autumnal-sapphic

[autumnal-sapphic]

(to the no one who is reading this, when I say "love" i mean the weird mishmash of platonic qpr type feeling. not romantic.)

why do i have to have a fucking existential crisis every time she does something nice for someone else istg

my best friend says i'm her favorite person in the world. this is a poem about one of our other friends (it wasn't private they sent this to our friend group's discord server)

"The sweetest person I know

The one who always can make someone laugh.

And the one that puts other’s needs before their own, even when it hurts them.

The one who would do anything for the people they care about.

The one that’s absurdly talented and smart.

And most importantly, one of my favorite people in the entire world"

and i just. AGH.

they have never done anything like this for me. I hate the fact that it's so likely they're lying to me

and I also hate the fact that when they say these things to other people they say "one of my favorite people in the entire world". It's the allowance. It's like a vocabulary trick. a secret. It's only there because I have access to this. it makes everything feel less important. Its as though they're deceiving everyone, 'oh hehe you're one of but someone else is the' and it just makes the idea that i'm theoretically their favorite person seem stupid and fake

They're so so so important to me and I just feel like they don't feel the same way about me

they express the same feelings to other people but with small allowances that mean technically, in the meaning of the words, it's true, i might be "better". But the emotion it conveys is exactly the same even though the love I feel for her is so different than what I feel for my other friends.

and also just bluntly "the sweetest person I know" like okay. you know i'm here. you know i have self esteem issues yet despite the fact you treat me, honestly, worse than the other people in our friend group you expect me to honestly believe you when you say "you're my favorite person" and then go off and write fucking poems about how amazing our other friends are and do nothing of the sort for me

i just don't get it. fucking stop. please.

i don't want them to stop expressing love to other people. it just feels like i've been blatantly lied to when they do something like this. They only ever express their love for me every so often when they say bluntly "you are my favorite person" but when it comes to other people and this person specifically it's constant. it's so painfully clear that this person is "her favorite". and she's either lying to herself, or me, or both, and i can't decide which one hurts more

[autumnal-sapphic]

today I was trying to tell my friend a story

this same friend yells "SHUT THE FUCK UP" or yells at everyone to be quiet whenever someone talks over them, and other people help them do it

they talked over me at least 5 separate times and every time it was with a point that had already been said. they could hear me, only the two of us were having a conversation. So i just stopped talking defeatedly

how the fuck does this even happen. you'd think out of all people to notice if they're talking over me in a 2 person conversation it'd be the one who makes a huge scene if someone talks over them but no.

The only way I can describe this feeling is UGH. I'm so fucking tired of going unnoticed in everything I do no matter how obvious I am about it

[autumnal-sapphic]

The post i made:

the post i wanted to make but couldn't because i have friends who follow that blog:

Can somebody care please. y'all do this shit for eachother all the time. i do it for you. but not once has anyone done it for me. please. could y'all put just a little effort in

[autumnal-sapphic]

the words soul searching in terms of gender is just so !!!!!!!

like idk how to describe it

[autumnal-sapphic]

I consider myself gnc but also cis, bc I'm afab and genderfae (obviously if you're afab genderfae or smt like that you don't have to identify as cis, it's just how I identify) but sometimes I don't totally feel like my name. The thing is, I only sometimes identify with other names I could change mine to.

I also feel like people wouldn't use my preferred name because 1. they won't know what my preferred name is that day unless I tell them and I cant just tell everyone I meet so they'll just pick one and always use it, and 2. I am AFAB and consider myself partially cis so they'll just use my birth name

help?

[autumnal-sapphic]

ok ik this is mostly a vent blog but I need help and i don't want my friends to see this bc they're neurodivergent and I feel like a pick me

I will be tagging this aggressively because I'd really like help lol if even one person takes this it'll help <3

pls don't scroll through my blog if you see this, it's entirely unrelated. It's literally me scream-venting about my friends.

[autumnal-sapphic]

my best friend asked for a serious moment and said

"seriously, you all are my best friends."

and everyone was really sweet abt it including myself

and then they say

"except for * my name *, she sucks ass"

and like i know it's a joke

but it's always fucking me

i'm always the butt of that one joke

and i think it's because I'm prolly their best friend so they feel comfortable making those jokes

but it still feels like shit

especially when the jokes they make with other people are "you're so hot and sexy and i'm in love with you marry me pls"

[autumnal-sapphic]

I sent another vent in my discord and I was ghosted again

sometimes i think my "friends" just don't like me

everyone was online

the second I send the vent the entire server goes silent

someone else sent a vent just a little while earlier and everyone responded really supportive but when I do I just get a "damn that sucks man."

[autumnal-sapphic]

i think my random fit of anger spite and sadness is over

hopefully

i'm just hoping that my friend who is searching for my side blogs doesn't find me

because she will message me

and try to talk

i don't want to talk to anyone

i want to wallow in my emotions and not deal with any repercussions right now

[autumnal-sapphic]

i'm feeling spiteful and i kinda want to expose this blog to my friends just so they'll feel bad for how they make me feel

i love them a lot

but like

i'm just too tired to handle this rn

and ik that's really mean and selfish and stuff but like it's so AAAGH to be posting all of this and them just messaging me while I help them with their math homework

they're so clueless

I don't want to hurt their feelings

but the spiteful sad angy goblin man does want to

he wants to make them see how i feel and feel bad that it's because of them

[autumnal-sapphic]

somebody just told me they owe me a favor

i'm fighting the urge to let my sad pissed goblin out and say "I'm cashing that in now. care about me please."

[autumnal-sapphic]

ATSDGUHIFJLGKEQITGHOU

I'VE BEEN FEELING LIKE SHIT BUT MY SADNESS IS WEIRD AND I GET MAD EASILY

SOMEONE JUST REPLIED TO ME VENTING WITH THEIR PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THAT MADE ME MORE WORRIED AND THEN PROCEEDED TO ASK A DIFFERENT PERSON IF THEY WERE FEELING OKAY BECAUSE THEY REPLIED TO WHAT THEY SAID WITH "oh"

ISTG NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME WTF HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING

DO THEY NOT SEE HOW FUCKING INSANE THIS IS!?!?!!!?!?!??!?!

AM I JUST OVERREACTING

I THINK I'M OVERREACTING

BUT LIKE

NO ONE EVER ASKS HOW I AM OR IF I'M OKAY AND THEY NEVER NOTICE IF I'M SAD AND AT THIS POINT IT FEELS LIKE A JOKE THEY'RE ALL PLAYING ON ME BECAUSE THE EXTENT THAT THIS STUFF HAPPENS IS INSANE

JUST A LITTLE WHILE AGO I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW I HAD A SHITTY MONTH AND THEN MY SUPPOSEDLY BEST FRIEND THOUGHT THE PERSON WHO STARTED THE CONVERSATION WITH A VENT WAS JUST TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT SO THEY SAID "I'm tired of this. We love you [name]" (saying i love you is a chill thing in our friend group, it wasn't like a love confession or anything lol)

NO ONE EVER CARES ABOUT ME

THEY DO SUCH SWEET THINGS FOR EACHOTHER

THEY CALL EACH OTHER NICKNAMES THAT MEAN CUTE THINGS AND MINE MEANS NOTHING

WHY

WHY DO THEY NOT CARE

I'VE BEEN VERY OBVIOUSLY FEELING LIKE SHIT TODAY AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO ASKED HOW I WAS IS THE PERSON I'M LEAST CLOSE WITH AND IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE I SAID I WAS FEELING KINDA BAD

EVEN WHEN I OPENLY SAY I FEEL BAD THEY DON'T ASK

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING

THIS FEELS SURREAL HOW DO THEY NOT SEE HOW SHITTY I FEEL ABOUT THIS

I'VE LITERALLY BEEN TRYING TO LET MYSELF SHOW IT MORE AND I HAVE BEEN

BUT EVEN WHEN I'M TRYING TO COAX OUT THE EMOTION THAT NEVER COMES OUT AND I ACTUALLY EXPRESS HOW I FEEL NO ONE NOTICES

UUUUUGHHHHH

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET PEOPLE TO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME

[autumnal-sapphic]

my friend who jokingly (yeah it's a joke but it still hurts) insults me a lot (specifically my clothes and flat chest 😑) just said "I don't usually talk crap about people's appearances or outfits"

I mean she's prolly just talking about actually genuinely insulting people

but like still it feels so weird to see?

and also they very clearly don't want to be insulting people and feel bad about it so why are they doing it to me????????? even if it's a joke??????????????

[autumnal-sapphic]

It hurts to see them care so much for each other, her, and less for me.

When she is struggling or sad, they notice. They talk to her, they hug her. But they never notice me, even if I'm trying to hint at it.

When she feels insecure they spend 30 minutes complimenting her. When I feel insecure everyone ignores me.

Her nickname means something sweet and kind. Mine is 2 letters off from my name and taken from my old friends.

They all love her. She's their favorite. She's my favorite and I resent myself for it. And I'm just there.

I'm her best friend. But she still doesn't notice or care.

They don't know who I am. I'm covered in layers and layers of lies. They can peel back some but they'll never get to the center. I haven't even gotten to the center yet. What if someone peels back the last layer and there isn't anything left other than a pile of dust.

What if someone tries to put me back together. What if someone helps me. What if someone listens. Notices.

But they won't. I will have to put myself back together alone. Or maybe I never will put myself back together. Maybe no one will pull back the last layer, even myself. Somehow that's more scary.

[autumnal-sapphic]

Hey, I'm Ember! ok this is like take 4 of an attempt at an alt

My side blogs and other alt were found so this'll probably be vents and me being gay, maybe a little witchcraft stuff or folklore

knowing myself it'll also be a shit ton of reblogs, this blog will probably end up being my dash with a few original posts sprinkled in