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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years ago

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Review: Avengers: Infinity War --aka-- Sinking Like a Stone

Time to be a sourpuss again.

I just got out of Infinity War, and I have thoughts. Many, many thoughts. And unfortunately, very few of them are kind. If you want a long story short, my thoughts are this:

Frankly, it didn’t do enough.

I know that seems like a weird-ass statement considering this has a small army of big name actors and action set-pieces that make this the flick, according to everybody and their mother, the biggest movie of the decade. It pulled out all the stops and refused to let up until the final frame, right? It’s basicallya big event comic brought to the big screen! What else could it have possibly done?

…Honestly, it could have had a point to exist.

I’m going to go into my rationale in the spoiler cut below but know that this film really hits me in ways that I’d rather it didn’t. It doesn’t anger me like Ready Player One did, or frustrate me like War for the Planet of the Apes did. This one disappoints me. Ok, here we go. Spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.

So Many Characters, So Little Development

I suppose one of the more fundamental issues I have with this film is the fact that it lacks any sort of character arc. If you are familiar with my reviews of Detective Conan movies, you’ll know that character development in film is something I deem as paramount. In films with narrative structures, or any media that has some central character attempting to accomplish a goal, there has to be a lesson learned. There has to be an obstacle overcome. Otherwise, with no change in the characters, the film falls flat because, well, nothing happened that mattered.

To pull from former MCU films, a great example of development is how Thor’s character was changed with “Ragnarok.” He learned what is important, and that he has to grow up and change from the hero he wants to be to the king he needs to be. So much so, in fact, that it manifests with him losing his eye, same as his father, to really send that point home.

In this film…who does the changing exactly? Tony? He is the most likely candidate, as he has the most screen time. However, if you really break down what he did in the film, what did he do? Action-wise, he does a lot, but character-wise he doesn’t really do much if anything. He still remains the same guy at the beginning that he was at the ending, only he’s lost everything. This lack of any change finds itself seeping through all of the characters as well. From Thor’s one-goal mindset of vengeance to Peter’s boiling hot rage. The most laughable one of all is Steve Rodgers whose appearance is more similar to that of an underwhelming cameo—Sylvester Stallone’s Stakar from Guardians Vol. 2 left more of an impact on the screen!

There is only one character development that kind of seeps through, and that’s Doctor Strange and Scarlet Witch. It can be argued the film is about what are you willing to sacrifice to achieve your goals. Thanos is willing to put anything and everything on the line for the betterment of the world at large, but the rest of the Avengers simply aren’t. This leads to these two characters being forced to change from what they’re willing to do vs what they have to do. Scarlet Witch is being forced to make that ultimate sacrifice to kill Vision to save the world and ultimately beat Thanos, and Doctor Strange is forced to give Thanos the time stone in exchange for Stark’s life, which is something that he said earlier he wasn’t willing to do…only this leads to a small little problem.

Thematic Confusion

As stated earlier, the film’s theme appears to be about what you are and are not willing to sacrifice to meet your end goals, no matter how noble they may be. Real “ends justify the means” kind of deal. However, the movie backtracks on its own message by the end.

Once again, the character change only really goes to Scarlet Witch and Doctor Strange, no matter how minute they may be. They are forced to make sacrifices. Only, here’s the thing. These changes don’t do anything. Even though they accomplish what their characters are supposed to do, it is all rendered meaningless. In fact, Doctor Strange’s sacrifice is the exact thing that completely undoes Scarlet Witch’s sacrifice. (It should also be mentioned that Strange’s sacrifice, ultimately, makes no sense as his sudden change of heart to caring at Stark is extremely sudden and makes no real sense in the grand scheme of the film’s running time.)

Granted, one could argue that’s the film’s point. That it’s about failure, similar to that of The Last Jedi…right? No, it’s not. The Last Jedi took great care in showing each of the characters failing, but also learning to accept failure, move on from it, and not become completely consumed by it. It had themes pushed forward by characters and character actions. This almost had that, only nobody really learned anything and even then, the ones who did learn something, well, died. And they died for no other purpose…than shock. (See my aforementioned rant on the Firestorm Problem in comics.)

But while we’re on the subject of characters, I need to discuss something else that surprised me in how bad it was.

Character Regression

The way some of these characters act and how they are treated in the film feels like a lot of backtracking. While there are other minor things with characters that I noticed, the ones that stuck out to me the most were Gamora, Thor, and Spider-Man.

Gamora’s changes are probably the most obvious since, well, we are shown at the beginning of the movie that she and Starlord are romantically involved now. That, for me, was a sign of things to come. My reason being that this itself more or less is something that goes against the end of Guardians Vol. 2, because it ended with Gamora and Starlord, not necessarily getting together, as much as reaching a mutual respect of “you’re broken, I’m broken, and that’s the unspoken thing between us that we have to do something about before we could really be a thing.” (To quote from Lindsay Ellis, “That’s why it didn’t end with them making out, but just a platonic side-hug.”) They do want to be together, sure. But they can’t do it just yet. Althought...I guess they are now magically but, whatever. That’s more of an interpretation thing and is rather small potatoes in comparison to something much more heinous and problematic, and that’s regarding Gamora and Thanos.

Gamora’s actions in the film regarding Thanos were…honestly out of place. I can see her telling Starlord to kill her, I can buy her rejection of Thanos, but what I don’t buy is the scene where she is taunting Thanos above the soul stone. I’m sorry, but Gamora isn’t THAT blind and stupid, come on. She has said that she KNOWS that she is his favorite daughter in the first Guardians, even if she herself despises the man with her entire being. It was just needlessly drawn out and made Gamora come off as either ignorant or stupid, rather than the way her character was going, which was finally moving on from him and his abuse. After that, her character is killed and she’s turned into the dead-girlfriend-as-motivator trope as well as the fact that she is literally sacrificed by a male main character to achieve a greater goal. Yeah, because who cares that Guardians Vol. 2 with the way it gave two female characters such a big role that defied convention, right?

Then there’s Thor. As I previously mentioned in my post regarding my worries about what infinity war was going to do with Thor and Asgard, Thor’s changes in Ragnarok were not only a welcome change for the character, but also provided an excellent theme that was as profound as it was surprisingly fitting, considering the tone. One of those big things was that Thor didn’t need the hammer, and that he was using it more as a crutch. He needed to move on and beyond it. “Are you Thor? The god of hammers?” Is a quote from Odin’s ghost that rings in my head regarding this bit. So what does he do in this movie for the majority of the running time? He’s forging another hammer.

…Can’t help but feel you missed the point of the last movie.

I get that it’s to kill Thanos since he can’t do it on his own (apparently, despite having the power to send Hela and a huge army of undead skeletons without a second thought,) but you’re backtracking the central point of the previous film! What’s more giving him an eye once more is a kind of symbolic middle gloved finger to his development in Ragnarok, as his eyepatch MEANT something. He wasn’t some hero, he was a king now. Granted, one could argue all of Asgard is dead now, but…I’ll get to that in a bit. This treatment is also given to Spider-Man in regards to just not understanding the point of the previous film, as a big part of that movie was that Spider-Man had to accept his limitations, and to understand that he doesn’t need some fancy suit or be apart of some great team to matter—it’s ok to be the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man. So to have him don the Iron Spider suit and run around in space while saying the line “I can’t be a friendly neighborhood anything if there isn’t a neighborhood.” Feels like more backtracking and a failure to understand the characters and what they have learned over these ten years. I’m not saying that this movie needed to be perfect and give everyone a moment (though, considering that Guardians Vol. 2 and Last Jedi could do it, the least you could do is try,) I’m saying you should at least understand what these movies were trying to say. And even though these directors acted as consultants and producers…I don’t think they were really listened to, considering the final product.

So what is the final product? Well, it’s clearly the thing that they’ve apparently been “building to” since Avengers had that post-credits sequence. So let’s talk about him for a second.

The “Ultimate” Villain

Honestly, Thanos was...weird.

He’s not bad…but I definitely won’t say he’s the greatest Marvel villain because, quite honestly, he isn’t even anywhere close in my opinion.

I’m sorry, and you can disagree if you want, but upon watching it, I thought he was a big, fat, purple letdown. Predominantly because this big bad we had been told about, this terrifying titan who will end the universe with the snap of a glove, this guy who’s been built up since 2012, this man’s terrifying end-goal is…ecoterrorism. We are taking up too much space, so we need to have half of our whole population taken out for the betterment of everyone in existence. …Really? He really only tells us about this instead of the film bothering to show us how right he is by having him watch people ripping each other apart for power and food but, y’know, that’s just me being nitpicking and asking that a film try and do something unspeakable like “show-don’t-tell” but what do I know.

However, there is one problem I have with Thanos regarding this movie that I was honestly kind of worried about going in, and this, frankly, confirmed. He isn’t a good villain for the Avengers.

Take a look back at the best villains Marvel’s had, and we’ll just keep it relegated to the MCU for the time being. Loki, Vulture, Kingpin, Killgrave, Cottonmouth, Killmonger, Zemo. (Ok I added Zemo, and everyone may not agree on that, but I’ll get into why in a second.) They all worked not simply because they were antagonists who didn’t just challenge the villains physically, but they challenged their characters and motives—thus inciting change. Loki humbled Thor to an extent and made him understand what it meant to be worthy of the hammer. Killgrave was literally Jessica Jones’s abuser, as well as the source of her refusal to let people get too close. Killmonger represented the issues with all of Wakanda and the old ways of thinking that T’Challa had to grapple with—you see where I’m getting at? These are more than just people who are at the same level or moreso power-wise, they’re representations of issues within the main character. They are catalysts for change.

Thanos…what does he represent that needs to change within the Avengers? His shtick of how the universe needs to be cleansed to make way for ensuring that resources has literally nothing to do with the Avengers as a fractured team, as a group of friends and allies—nothing. He just sort-of shows up, mops the floor with everyone, and that’s it. That’s the extent. He’s just strong.

As an antagonist for the Avengers, Thanos just doesn’t work. He’s contributes nothing to the conversation about or for the Avengers save to kill them because the writers just made him OP. A fantastic villain for the Avengers can be seen in Captain America: Civil War through Zemo. This is someone who represents the issue with the Avengers as a concept and a group. Their arrogance and collateral killed his family and set him on this course. Now view this in tandem with what Banner said in the first Avengers film: “We’re not a team, we’re a ticking time bomb.” I feel as though that’s the best way to describe the Avengers as a trilogy. Avengers 1 set the fuse, Avengers 2 lit it, and Civil War is that inevitable explosion two movies in the making. Granted, it ended on a slightly hopeful note as Steve lays out that olive branch, but that’s it. It’s just a possibility. It doesn’t mean that humpty dumpty is back together again. What’s more, I think that’s an honestly brilliant way to end it. There were just too many cooks in the kitchen and alpha personalities is going to be what does the team in. Not some crazy alien, not some evil robot, not an ancient Norse god—but themselves. It’s narratively sound. Thanos isn’t.

That being said, Thanos DOES fit extremely well with one other group. The Guardians. He’s been built up better in those films through his cameos and the discussions between Nebula and Gamora than any of the previous Avengers films have even tried regarding infinity stones. From the way he was built up, it almost feels like he should’ve been the final villain for the Guardians because, well, he’s their Zemo. He’s the inevitable villain that they have been building up towards, albeit not intentionally. The Guardians as a film series has been about the story of people who have been abused trying to make themselves whole again. It only makes sense that the last film be them confronting the embodiment of the source of their abuse, someone who was the literal abuser to three of them, head-on. For them, he is their ultimate villain.

But that’s just for them. For the Avengers, he’s just something that’s just out of their league and depth. When placed in an Avengers movie, he’s out of place, contributes nothing, and is simply there for one reason. And that reason isn’t even a good one.

A Pointless Rapture

Even though people don’t like talking about him anymore considering the allegations against him, which is fair, there is one thing that Max Landis said which he was completely right about, and that is in regards to the effect of the Death of Superman.

The Death of Superman, whether you love it or you hate it, made death a joke in comics. Nothing mattered. Not because anyone could go, but because anyone could go and be brought back without consequence. The Death, and by extension, the Resurrection, killed death as a stake in comics. It didn’t matter if you died, or the emotions that were elicited through the aftermath, you could be brought back and thus making all of those previous moments completely wasted and pointless, as they have no lasting effect and have been undone.

The sheer scale of the ending where half of the universe is just eliminated, and Thanos winning, would be one thing. But it’s another thing when you know it isn’t going to last. Y’see, THIS is really what put the nail in the coffin for this movie in my opinion. The killing of Spider-Man, Black Panther, Falcon, Nick Fury, Groot, Starlord, Mantis, Bucky, Doctor Strange, Drax, Maria Hill—ALL OF THAT proves one singular thing.

That act of genocide won’t matter in the grand scheme.

All of the deaths in this movie, in fact, won’t matter. It won’t have a lasting effect, because coming up, it will be wiped away. Made meaningless. All of this needless pain and suffering for grit and going for a darker Avengers film has one thing to show for it, and that one thing is going to be rendered meaningless in the upcoming sequel. Don’t ask how do I know, because you know it too.

With that in mind, it becomes obvious that this is less of a movie and more of a tedious prologue to the REAL finale. This isn’t a film or a movie like Black Panther or Ragnarok or Iron Man or even the FIRST Avengers movie. This is just a tone deaf, completely depressing roadblock that we have to wait a goddamn year on to get closure for.

Again, I’m fine with ending on a cliffhanger. They can work. See Empire Strikes Back…but even THAT movie had themes and a purpose that help the film stand on its own as a FILM. It’s not a goddamn PROLOGUE to Return of the Jedi. Kung-Fu Panda 2 (Yes, I’m breaking THAT one out) may end on a cliffhanger regarding Poe’s father being alive, but it also still is a movie outside of that with an important theme to teach kids within its surprisingly heartfelt characters and plot. This, fun fact, was one of the big issues I had regarding Batman v Superman. They’re both just set-up movies. On their own, they could never stand. Actually, that’s not entirely true.

At least Batman v Superman had an attempt to complete an arc.

Solved in Future’s Past

I feel as though this film’s central issue revolves how it is more concerned with plot rather than character, which is funny considering the film is marketed as being the biggest crossover of all of these characters. It’s about getting the power-up. It’s about getting the infinity stones. It’s about recreating a thing from the comics because people thought it was cool.

The problem with focusing on these superficial things is that your film, and therefore your plot, become hollow. There is nothing inside worth discussing. Just because you have Infinity Stones doesn’t make the film or its villain any more powerful. It just means they’re physically strong.

This film actually reminds me a bit of “X-Men: Days of Future Past.” DoFP had a similar vein of being the ‘dark’ chapter of the X-Men saga with popular characters dying left and right, and a way for the old actors to pass on the torch to the next in line. What’s more, this movie also has death meaning nothing as it’s all wiped away by the end because of time travel shenanigans. However, DoFP had a point. It was about whether or not the future is truly set, and if we can escape our better or worse natures, what dictates who we are, etc. It wasn’t just to see them die or to finally show off the Sentinels, it was to say something with them. I can’t say the same regarding the infinity stones.

What’s more, DoFP also had a really complex and interesting villain in Bolivar Trask. He was wrong, and generally a dick, but through the performance of Peter Dinklage and the eventual outcome of the character being proved wrong by the thing he was trying to hunt down, it makes his character all the more memorable for me. The movie doesn’t want you to be sympathetic towards him, but it wants you to understand him, which makes his character all the better. (I can still remember the scene where he’s standing there, trying to remain stoic, while Mystique slowly lowers the gun—that look is why I find that character and how he’s taken down so fascinating and fun to talk about.) Thanos, on the other hand, I can’t relate to nor care about after everything he’s put Gamora and Nebula through, and yet the film tries desperately to make him sympathetic because of his ‘eco-terrorist’ motives and the fact he’s a father. If I may be honest, no. No, I don’t care that you’re crying over your daughters dead corpse that you threw her down, you’re a bastard and I’m waiting for your comeuppance which isn’t even going to come in this movie.

I can keep going if I wanted, like bringing up how the characters were also much more consistent in DoFP, as their actions made sense and were more character based than ‘move-the-plot-along’ based, but if I were to keep listing things on, we’d be here for another several paragraphs. The point of this is that all of the thing Infinity War wanted to do can be done, but it requires the focus to be on the characters...rather than the infinity stones. But because the film didn’t bother to look at any other aspect other than these little DnD power-up like trinkets, then it leaves all other aspects of the film empty and hollow.

Sinking Like a Stone

All of this is to say that when I stated earlier that I wanted more, I mean I wanted something of substance. I didn’t want the bells and whistles, I didn’t want the infinity stones, I didn’t want all the characters to die—what I wanted was for the movie to say and do something. Anything! However, this film didn’t even bother to do that because all of that focus was being dragged over to those pretty little rocks rather than where it should have been: doing or saying something interesting with the characters they’ve built up for ten years. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask considering that they’ve done in the past with Ragnarok, Guardians Vol. 2, Winter Solider and Civil War to name just a few.

This film didn’t, and it suffers for it as the film then sinks underneath its own weight. Not because there were too many people, though there were, and not because there was no plot, because there was, but because there was no foundation of character or theme for all of those things to stand on.

Frankly, as of now, I think I’m finally burnt out.

I’m not looking forward to Avengers 4. I’m tempted to just straight up skip it, if I’m honest.

I just want it to be over so we can move on to bigger and brighter things with the, frankly, much better stand-alone films. Like Ant-Man and the Wasp or Captain Marvel. Hell, I’d rather see that Solo movie nobody cares about than Avengers 4. Deadpool 2? Hell yeah. I want to see Josh Brolin in an ACTUALLY good antagonist role for a comic book movie. I’m sorry, but I just don’t care about Thanos or those stupid stones anymore. Not because they killed off people I like, but because the stones, the villain and the deaths themselves are much like the movie. Pointless.

Now, before anyone starts jumping on the ‘well, you’re just a Marvel hater’ or ‘well if you read the comics you’d appreciate this movie more’ train, please look back on this blog and look at my previous rants and ravings. I have done nothing but praise Marvel Studios up until this point. And while I have not written about all of these films specifically, I will tell you right now that I will defend Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 to my grave as one of the best superhero movies of all time, I will fight tooth and nail over the cultural significance of Black Panther, I will stand next to Captain America: Civil War and continue to argue that it is the perfect Avengers finale, I will argue that Thor: Ragnarok is one of the deepest comic book films I’ve ever seen without even trying–and don’t get me started on Marvel Netflix…except for, y’know, Iron Fist. The less said about that the better.

But if the reception to the train wreck that was Ready Player One has taught me anything, it’s that you have to take off the nostalgia/hype glasses off sometimes to see if it can stand on its own. It shouldn’t matter if you grew up on comics and have wanted to see this since you were five, one Nerdist reviewer guy I read. If it can’t do something basic as being a cohesive movie, then it shouldn’t be praised for being more than it is. Part one out or two or not.

God, I hate being a sourpuss when it comes to movies. I want to enjoy movies. I freakin’ LIVE to come out of a theater singing some film’s praises, but…I also refuse to simply say something has substance when it’s hollow. Even if it is Marvel.

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years ago

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Ok. You do bring up a point I forgot to mention, that is, honesty, kind of valid. But I would argue that it doesn’t exactly work in this scenario for everyone. (Also, quite frankly, since when has the AVENGERS ever concerned itself with reality? This isn’t a knock to them at all, but seriously. We have a bunch of superheroes fighting a purple alien. Reality left a looooong time ago.)

But on a more serious note regarding your point, I suppose the concern mainly lies in the fact that do you gain more than you lose from it? I don’t mean like you lose a character and you gain a character, but I mean more contextually I think is the word. Ok, so say you kill off all of Asgard in the first five minutes—nullifying all of Thor Ragnarok in the process and whatever meaning could be derived. What do you gain? The answer is...really you gain the same if he killed 90 percent only you also made the point of Ragnarok useless by extension. If you kill Valkyrie you gain...what exactly? What about Shuri, what do you gain? Same goes for Gamora? You lose these characters forever to get...”realism?” You get grit? That’s not a reason, that’s just lazy writing! There is a point where, after seeing death after death with no meaning or purpose other than to inflate your big bad that you just tune out. It becomes numbing. The Walking Dead got that problem for me personally, until Negan showed up and filled in the void for a lack of characters to give a shit about or enjoy watching.

Again, some Shock Deaths DO work which can heighten stakes and make it feel more random and real—see Anthony Hopkins death in WestWorld or Hank from Breaking Bad. But in both of those times, something was gained something in that scenario OTHER than the realism, which was more of a byproduct. Namely for Hank, his death was him finally finding a way to be smarter than Walt and to also have his last laugh from the grave as his death would start the TRUE downfall of Heisenberg. It wasn’t just simply taking the character away because “ooooooh why not?” Shows on Marvel’s Netflix can also get away with it, but that’s also going back to the little baggage and they have a VASTLY different tone. And, again, there are some characters who I think probably can get that sudden death and it could work (my short list includes Loki, Tony, Steve, Nebula and, hell, even Bucky.) But there are some that frankly don’t. If you haven’t guessed, I’m someone who would rather make sure Taika’s movie doesn’t get completely wiped away when it was (in my personal opinion) the only Thor movie to make me care about the character and his people. But it’s not because I don’t want him to go out swinging, it’s because you gain nothing by killing all of them. You lose something.

My point is, I hear you with the realistic bit...but there is also a difference between trying to show realism and just taking the easy way out to manufacture unearned drama and “heightened stakes” in this, your “final chapter.” If you disagree, that’s cool and fine, and I’m not saying the movie is going to be bad—I HIGHLY doubt that—but these are just concerns regarding what I consider to be an overused and lazy trope.

Rant: My Worries for Infinity War --aka-- The Firestorm Problem

*seen above, me*

PREFACE: I HAVE NOT SEEN INFINITY WAR. THERE ARE NO SPOILERS REGARDING THE UPCOMING MARVEL FILM SAVE FOR GIFS FROM THE TRAILERS. ONLY SPECULATION. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT SEEING SOMETHING SPOILER-Y REGARDING AVENGERS 3. YOU ARE SAFE HERE.

Ok, so there’s been something that’s been on my mind regarding this movie that I honestly haven’t been able to shake for the life of me. It’s something that deeply worries and concerns me about the upcoming Marvel Avengers film since it was announced, as well as how people have been discussing certain variables related with it. Namely: The Deaths.

Not just any deaths, but SHOCK Deaths.

Keep reading

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years ago

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Rant: My Worries for Infinity War --aka-- The Firestorm Problem

*seen above, me*

Not just any deaths, but SHOCK Deaths.

Shock Deaths are essentially sudden moments when a character just dies, seemingly out of the blue that forever changes the trajectory of the film/tv show/novel/what have you. Some notable shock deaths include *spoilers for some movies and shows that have come out...like at least a year ago? (Don’t worry, not Infinity War--again, haven’t seen it yet)* the Shower Death scene from Psycho, the death of the Warriors Three from Ragnarok, Snoke from The Last Jedi, Superman from Batman v Superman, Hank from Breaking Bad, The Red Wedding from Game of Thrones, and so on. They come out of left field and leave the audience’s jaw firmly planted on the ground as this character has suddenly been wiped off the board.

...Yeeeeeaaah, here’s the fuckin’ thing with regards to that.

They’re typically hit or miss. And more often than not, they’re REALLY bad misses. This is mainly because the characters you, as a writer or director or whatever, choose to kill dictates the terms of the relationship you have with your audience because you are telling them, through who lives and dies, what matters. Not necessarily who matters, but it gives away what the writer deems as important or not important.

For example, the death of the Warriors Three in Ragnarok shows how the director and writer, frankly, didn’t deem them necessary anymore. They’re shocking, and sure they show off Hela’s powers, but now these characters (who, luckily for Taika, matter so little in Thor’s grand scheme movie wise I can’t even remember their exact names for the life of me,) and the grand warriors from the golden days of Asgard’s past, are shown to be what they are. Meaningless.

(While that second point does add to the point of Ragnarok, it’s easy to see how one can find that to be some bullshit. Even though I love the movie, yeeeeaah no they did them dirty. Especially those first two who didn’t even get a word in.)

Now, if you’re early into the story, you can get away with doing it willy-nilly. That’s what most slashers do, with the most famous among them being Scream. Hell, some films are based UPON shock-deaths, like Heathers. But there’s a clear difference between those films and doing it in mainstream films, because they’re about that and, what’s more, those characters don’t have baggage.

Killing off beloved characters out of the blue doesn’t help create tension, or make it realistic, or show off how “badass your villain is” because he or she can kill your fav without blinking (looking at YOU Doomsday,) it makes those characters who die seem...meaningless.

This is what I like to call “The Firestorm Problem.”

Back in the day, a comic came out called ‘Identity Crisis.’ It was a big DC crossover that had all the Justice League members looking for someone who killed the wife of a very prominent superhero. This comic set the tone for DC during that time, which was a whoooole lotta dark and a whoooole lotta brooding. Whether or not you like the comic is up to your discretion, but there’s one aspect of this comic that, frankly, doesn’t work. *Spoilers? For an old ass comic?* Firestorm dies. Not in some grand battle, not in some ceremonious way for this long-time alumni of the Justice League...but by a sudden stab to the heart by some no-name villain he and some other heroes were interrogating. There was no fanfare. There was little mourning. And he was tossed out like last week’s trash. This is a character, I should remind you, who has had a very long history, has a bunch of side and supporting characters (some of which were, I would argue, forgotten), and even a small fanbase of his own, despite being a second tier league member. Yet he died. For no other reason, than to shock the reader into thinking about ‘how dark and gritty’ these comics have become. The character and his arc? His point of being? Fuck it. We don’t need it--KILL HIM. Not like he matters! He’s not BATMAN!

When a character like Firestorm is killed off for no reason, without fanfare or purpose save for to shock the audience and to find a cheap and lazy way to elicit an emotion out of your audience, it doesn’t make their deaths tragic, it doesn’t resonate and make you feel pain--it makes the characters fucking pointless. That’s one of the reasons why death is a joke in comics.

Enter Infinity War.

I’m terrified of this movie BECAUSE of who they’re going to kill. Take Asgard.

Let’s be honest, that scene with Thor is probably on his ship and what’s going on is that Thor and Loki are gonna get their asses handed to them by Thanos probably near the beginning of the movie or something. While Loki’s fate doesn’t particularly bother me or scare me, it’s the REST of Asgard. Valkyrie, Korg, Heimdall, blah blah blah. If they end up dying in the beginning, it renders all of Thor: Ragnarok fucking pointless. Thor’s character finally came to a close. Asgard would persevere so long as the people live! “Asgard is a people, not a place” except for the fact that “oh wait no, everyone’s dead. Just kidding. Your movie’s deep, inner meaning that the other two Avenger movies couldn’t even get close to with a ten inch pole? Fuck that. Here’s STRONG PURPLE THUMB BOY WITH HIS OVEN MIT OF DEATH.”

This is the price tag that comes with shock death. The Firestorm Problem. If all of them die, then it makes that last movie meaningless! It steals away its profound and, honestly, heartfelt sentiment towards those affected by colonialism. (Also, if any of you know if anyone from Asgard lives, PLEASE DM AND TELL ME. I don’t care about spoilers, I need to know if ANY of them live, dammit.)

The same goes for the rest of the Avengers and Guardians. Depending on who it is, throwing death at them like they’re candy isn’t effective at creating tension. It’s killing characters, and possibly rolling back on their character’s development for the sake of someone else. It’s needlessly dark and gritty that makes everything in the film after them seem hollow. You get detached at a point and start to see that it’s just a movie pulling at your heart strings rather than being the immersive experience that it wants to be.

Now. All of that being said. There can be GOOD Shock Deaths. But not because they were for shock or to build up some big bad.

Take Cottonmouth from Luke Cage. While his death seemingly came out of nowhere in the series, if you follow how his character acted and the arc that was set up, you’d recognize that his death by Mariah at that specific point was, well, inevitable. It was just striking as to when and how. The why was never in question, at least subconsciously, because the change was made. Narrative-wise, the way he died and who he died to that made it tragic, but it was also in a way that you understood character-wise. It was the next obvious step.

In Avengers, honestly, Loki is the one who feels like Cottonmouth in this situation. He’s completed his arc, and to give Thanos the tesseract to save his people and then die WOULD fit in line with the arc started for him. I know I went on a shpiel about how Asgard needed to live and all that, but out of everyone, he’s the one who feels right to go. But not Valkyrie and the rest of fucking Asgard.

I hope--I REALLY, REALLY HOPE--that Infinity War keeps that in mind. I have hope in that as they have made really good films for Marvel in the past, and could have gone down that road in Civil War but decided not to. However, from the way I hear people talking about “oooooooh shit such-and-such is gonna DIIIIIEEE” in this random, sudden bit makes me wonder about what happens if important characters DO die and it doesn’t feel natural or earned. What if it feels cheap? What if it feels like Firestorm?

TL;DR: Shock death for the sake of shock death doesn’t create tension. It destroys patience. Please remember that, Russo Brothers.

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years ago

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Rant/Review: Ready Player One --aka-- Just Watch Wrinkle in Time Instead...

I don’t usually hate movies.

I know that seems backwards considering that this blog is me complaining and ranting incoherently about movies I don’t like, but very few movies leave me seething. Even all of the Detective Conan movies, which are mostly terrible pieces of garbage, I don’t necessarily hate. Red Crimson Letters is a terrible waste of time and energy, but I wasn’t insulted or felt talked down to. It was just a really bad movie I wanted to talk about.

In my life, there have only been three movies who have truly enraged me. “Batman v Superman,” “Joy,” and “War for the Planet of the Apes.”

Objectively, there are aspects that are genuinely good in all of them and are definitely better than I probably give them credit for...but I doubt it, but they just flare up an anger in me for one reason or another. They’re permanently on my “fuck that movie” list. And now…now there’s another entrant to that prestigious list.

Ready Player One.

My GOD. THIS was the book everyone’s been talking about? THIS is supposed to be the fucking bible of pop culture?! THIS MOVIE?! THE ONE THAT UNIRONICALLY HAS THE PHRASE SPOKEN BY HUMAN VOCAL CHORDS “FANBOYS ALWAYS KNOW A HATER?!!” ARE YOU GUYS--…ok. Ok, I need to calm down.

There are several, several, SEVERAL parts about this movie that don’t work, and I could go into a lot of the problems, but instead I’m going to try to talk about three aspects of the film. And for the sake of me not swearing up and down, we’re not going to talk about that godawful dialogue. Just know that it sucks.)

1) The ham-fisted arc

2) The protagonist and his trophy waifu

3) References over content

There are spoilers ahead, and I’m going to write this with the assumption that you’ve already seen the movie. If you haven’t, you’ve been warned. Anywho, let’s get started. Put on some “a-ha,” break your nostalgia goggles and join me as we go down this road where I collectively shit over Spielberg’s attempt to adapt a supposed “beloved classic.” (CAN YOU TELL I’M MAD?!)

1) The arc

Here’s the thing with arcs in narratives, and more specifically films.

They need to feel earned.

Your central character has gone through a life-altering change or point of view since the beginning of the film due to the adventures and trials had throughout the film. Good examples include “Mad Max: Fury Road” where Max finally lets others into his life and sees the value in not going through life alone as described by the part where he donates his own blood and tells Furiosa his name. Another good example is actually from the Oscar nominee Spielberg had LITERALLY LAST YEAR, “The Post.” In it, Kay Graham finally put her foot down and shows authority by stepping out of her comfort zone to release the Pentagon Papers—damn what the powers that be say. This is important to any narrative because it shows the flaws of your characters through their insecurities and hesitations to make them human rather than movie characters. Even if you have paragon characters like Superman, Wonder Woman, or Batman, they still have to overcome some kind of personal issue that is keeping them from achieving what they’ve wanted.

Now, if you look over to the main character, you can see that his arc was…what is it that was his arc?

He’s…he’s the same at the beginning as he was at the end.

“OH BUT HE HAS A PENTHOUSE AT THE END,” yeah that’s not a change. One could argue that the (even though the catalyst for change has no fucking relation to it) arc is about unplugging and enjoying the real world. The bits at the end with Easter Egg man where he starts going on and on and on about how he missed reality or something, and the VERY BRIEF bits at the beginning where you see people all over the VR systems, one of which is the mother neglecting a fire in the house and one where an Asian man almost commits suicide after losing all of his stuff in the game (it’s played for comedy, so THAT’S also pretty fun, because it’s not like Japanese suicide rates are a serious issue or anything OH WAIT.) So it’s about being close to reality and unplugging. Ok. Coolio.

But here’s the thing, similar to “War for the Planet of the Apes”…YOU HAVEN’T EARNED IT. There are brief moments where it kind of alludes to it (see the middle challenge with ‘oh yes, I should have kissed the girl during the Shining’ and the small bit at the middle where the main two are sitting there and the main dude has ONE HALF-ASSED LINE about how “it’s nice here. It’s slower,”) but that’s IT. It doesn’t actually give you a reason to think that staying in the Oasis and avoiding reality is a BAD thing. Sure you have abusive father obsessed with getting high scores but he’s just one dimensional asshole dad who dies and you don’t give a shit about it one second later after his parental figures are killed.

There are no real CONSEQUENCES to spending too much time in the Oasis, it’s just because he’s good at the game. And if there are, they sure as hell aren’t focused on in favor of mindless spectacle (which looks REALLY BAD by the way. I know it’s supposed to look fake because video game, but do the main characters have to use the ugliest models in existence?!) As such, the ending and central arc of learning is lost.

So what’s the arc? Well…there is none. Nothing is really learned, nothing is really gained that MATTERS aside from the keys to Willy Wonka’s goddamn chocolate factory.

Z or Perzival or Wade or generic-white-gamer-boy learns all of fucking NOTHING by the end. (As such, it makes the ending where he says “EVERYONE HAS TO BE OFF ON TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS” come off as BULLshit.)

But no, this is clearly the Spielberg classic. It’s not like Indiana Jones learned anything in the Last Crusade as a character only he totally fucking DID, HE LEARNED TO RESPECT AND LOVE HIS FATHER WHO HE PREVIOUSLY DESPISED AND THE IMPORTANCE OF—sorry. Sorry I’m getting a bit mad again.

Anywho, due to a lack of a real arc, it makes you think that the entire fucking plot was pointless. It was just inevitable that the good guy win because…well he’s the main character. He doesn’t say anything about anything but is instead dumb fluff, which would be fine…but here’s the thing. It also affects the main characters. And it affects them HARD.

2) Tweedledee and Tweedledumbass

The two main characters have no personality or character due to this lack of an arc.

The main man, Wade, his personality is…what exactly? He’s just generic hero-boy who is obsessed with the 80s. “He’s like a regular Star-Lord!” I hear you say, only he totally fucking isn’t. Starlord has baggage, has character has points and instances that stretch BEYOND just quoting 80’s movie and saying the actual phrase that a screenwriter actually wrote down and didn’t immediately delete that went “FANBOYS ALWAYS KNOW A HATER” NO I AM NOT OVER IT.

...Point is, the references don’t make Star-Lord who he is, it’s the character of Peter Quill himself. Cocky, brash, and in many ways, a child running from his past.

As for Wade, he’s got nothing. I’ve looked over this sometimes, depending on the writing or the situation, so maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much, but the actor who plays him isn’t doing a good job. I know I don’t talk about acting a lot, but the man…the man is just whining through his lines. He comes off as insufferable with his needless 80’s knowledge that I was genuinely rooting for the one-dimensional villain to kill that fucking brat.

Then we have Artemis or Samantha or Sam or its-the-pixie-cut-rebel-chick.

There are several scenes that are etched into my brain now (including a FUCKING NUT-SHOT AND A PASSWORD FOR A HUMAN ADULT THAT IS “B055MAN69.” IN A SPIELBERG MOVIE. THE MAN WHO MADE INDIANA JONES AND SCHINDLER’S LIST.), but one of the big ones is the final image of the film in which the main character in his 80’s man-boy cave spins around with his beautiful woman sitting in his lap as they suck face as the line “reality is pretty awesome anyway” or something like that. Aside from the main character not earning that statement as previously stated…fucking let’s look at it for what it is.

The man just won a real-life walking-talking waifu. A trophy wife that he wins at the end of the game.

She’s what probably made me see through the movie the most honestly. She makes this big fucking deal about “oh, but I’m not who you think I am on the outside, I’m not pretty” and then when you go outside to the real world, of course she’s the fucking gorgeous Hollywood white girl—she just has a goddamn birthmark on her eye to be her “blemish.”

“Oh but she’s insecure about it,” I hear you say--I’m sorry, but you mean to tell me NOBODY told her she’s fine and beautiful with the eye-mark BEFORE Wade? You mean to tell me she’s insecure, but not insecure enough to feel the need to buy fucking MAKE-UP!? I’m not saying that she needs it, I’m saying that the character’s central flaw is the WEAKEST FUCKIN FLAW I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU WANNA CHANGE THE GAME, QUASIMODO THAT SHIT.

THEN, and this part was just fucking HILARIOUS to me, she mentions about how the ioi company fucking KILLED HER FATHER in a workshop and she has to stop him for revenge…and then it’s totally dropped. Like it’s never mentioned by the end. At all. She chucks a grenade into Mechagodzilla to kill the bossman but fuck me if it ain’t satisfying and adds physically NOTHING to her character.

Her character exists for one purpose. She is the love interest who sets the main character off on his journey. Nothing more. And I say that, because SHE’S THE CATALYST FOR HIM FINDING THE FIRST KEY. She tells him something that reminds him of something that solves the puzzle. And what’s more, I am willing to bet that THAT’S the reason they kept her Hollywood pretty. Because you need to have an attractive romantic love interest to keep the audience pleased.

Now apparently, she does more in the movie than she does in the book. And that’s great. That’s super. She’s the one breaking in to destroy the d20 of doom. Hell yeah I guess. But I also don’t care. You wanna know why? BECAUSE I AM NOT READING THE BOOK. Superficial changes that improve certain aspects doesn’t make the movie better than it is. It’s like polishing a fucking turd. Yeah, it’s nicer than what you had, but you are still making me hold this piece of dogshit.

They don’t have characters. They don’t have chemistry BECAUSE they don’t have characters. It’s a fucking wash.

3) Drowning in References

But now we talk about the big one. The big fucking thing that everyone and their mother is obsessing about this movie over. And the thing that has gotten me from not liking this movie to fucking DESPISING it.

The references.

To quote from people who will be seeing the movie in the theater *ahem*...

“OHMYGOD IS THAT TRACER?! OH AND IT’S HARLEY AND THE JOKER! OH! OH! OH! IRON GIANT! HALO! BORDERLANDS! BACK TO THE FUTURE! BATMAN—FUCKING IT’S THE BATMAN! THEY MENTIONED THRILLER! THAT’S PRINCE! STREET FIGHTER! MECHA-GODZILLA FIGHTING GUNDAM! MINECRAFT! NINJA TURTLES! FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH! STAR TREK! FIREFLY! THE SHINING! IT’S FUCKING CHUCKY!!!”

…Ok? So what?

Not to be a snob, but seriously—so what? Why does it matter?

Listen, I like crossovers too. I remember the Avengers and what a big goddamn deal it was, and how it made everyone’s jaw drop to the ground, and how in some ways, it still does. But whereas with those it felt organic, Ready Player One with its ninety thousand references felt…empty.

I’m going to bring out two comparisons to the table that do the same thing that Ready Player One did, “Who Framed Rodger Rabbit?” and “Wreck-It Ralph.” Both had pop-culture icons throughout them. One had all of the classic cartoons all spliced together—where you saw Daffy Duck and Donald Duck in the same shot having a dual piano-off. One of them had all of these video game characters that you loved and embraced since you were a kid, running around and hanging out ala “Toy Story.” These big names are all in the background, just like Ready Player One, but they’re clearly different in terms of execution. Why is that?

Well it’s because the movies weren’t reliant on them. Sure, Rodger Rabbit had fun moments with these big names, but if you took them out and animated totally new characters with similar personalities, what would you lose? Nothing. The plot is the same, the dynamics are the same, and it can still be seen as a salute to the classic animations from back in the day to also an allegory for the Jim Crowe era just as the book intentionally was. Same goes for Wreck-it Ralph, the character goes through a fundamental change that has him accepting who he is and how “there’s nobody else I’d rather be, than me” ALL THE WHILE paying respects to classic arcade video games.

The same can’t be said for Ready Player One. The instant you take away the pop-culture references, the movie loses its protective suit of armor to reveal it’s about…nothing.

It is.

Nothing.

The generic quest, the generic corporate baddie, the generic love interest, the main character has nothing to say, and the conflict is revealed to be flat—nothing about it sticks out or makes an impression.

And if you fail to make an impression without a fucking suit pop-culture references then, well, if I may use a pop-culture quote myself...“If you’re nothing without the suit, then you shouldn’t have it.”

Plain and simple.

But then…there’s the one thing I can’t really debate.

��It’s just fun though, right?”

Yeah sure. I’ll admit around that third act, even though it was long overdrawn, I had fun watching the violence and references I understood while they blasted “We’re Not Gonna Take It” in the background.

But y’know what? It was just about as enjoyable as seeing someone adapt a piece of shitty fanfiction, because both have one thing in common for everything that they do: It’s just there for fan service. If you make the statement “well the Oasis is cool,” then you’ve clearly missed the point because you don’t like the movie, you like it’s gimmick. And it’s gimmick exists—it’s called VR Chat.

Meanwhile, screenwriters of different backgrounds, ethnicities, genders and religions from everywhere across the world are actually putting EFFORT into their screenwriting and directing. And while their action scenes for their blockbuster idea may not be perfect, they at least tried and did something new with it.

I went to see “Wrinkle in Time” today after I’d seen Ready Player One yesterday, needing to see literally anything good. And yeah, it’s not perfect. It’s got some stilted dialogue and some questionable acting on nearly all fronts at points and the conflict can be about as cliched as you can imagine, but the visuals, the costume design—you could tell everyone cared and put a goddamn effort into everything put forth. It’s much more gorgeous than the downright UGLY CG that was in the Oasis world in Ready Player One, and I guarantee you nobody had the phrase “B055MAN69” anywhere. It didn’t pander to kids or guys who wanted to feel validated for knowing a couple references. It wanted to tell the story of fighting back evil and hatred by embracing love. It’s cheesy and sappy…but fuck me, if it didn’t try to say something while having fun.

But fuck that movie right? We have Iron Giant fighting Mechagodzilla.

If you have that, then why bother putting in effort?

That’s what kills me. It’s lazy and people praise it because it just stuck pop-culture words in a fucking blender. Don’t call it innovative. Don’t call it original. Don’t call it anything than what it is.

80’s. Prepubescent. Fucking. Fanfiction.

You can love it and enjoy it if you want, I mean I don’t like not liking movies. It sucks. And in some aspects, I can see why you can if you turn your brain off but…I’m not gonna lie, to see this get away with murder insults me.

Listen, I love Spielberg. There is nobody I respect more in the business. His work in AI, and the reason why he did so to keep a dying friend’s vision alive will always keep him as one of my personal heroes but…sometimes you gotta call people out when they make shit. And I am.

I don’t care what anyone says, don’t see Ready Player One. Watch something worthwhile. Go to Netflix and watch “Stranger Things” if you’ve got that need for an 80′s kick, or hell--”Blade Runner 2049″ is a visual goddamn MARVEL. Go see “The Post” or “Jaws” if you want some good Spielberg. Just PLEASE! Go see something that isn’t just a bunch of references that almost feel as though it’s a remake of “ctrl+alt+del.”

(Random aside, people have told me to read the original book...but if that fucking thing is ANYTHING like this movie, I’d rather BURN IT than let it get one inch into my house. So no, I’m not going to read the book even if there are claims that it’s “better.” (Even though I believe that it’s impossible to say a book is better than it’s adaptation or vice versa because it’s two different mediums and as such it’s hardly fair, but that’s a whole other thing.) Point is, I’ve never been more turned off to a book in my godddamned life and I ain’t gonna bother.)

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years ago

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Rant: My Opinion on Venom the Character --aka-- The Tragedy of Eddie Brock

Let’s talk about Venom for a second.

With his new solo movie coming out starring the always impeccable Tom Hardy, I think it’s time we discuss everybody’s favorite muscle-bound Spidey villain/ruthless anti-hero, because…I well I say everybody loves him, when that’s not entirely true.

I’ve never really been a big fan of Venom. Specifically as an anti-hero.

I agree with the masses when I say Venom (when written in a certain way) is a great, GREAT villain and near prefect counterpart to Spider-Man to truly challenge him as he is very much the embodiment of his failed responsibilities. (Failure to help Eddie, failure to control the suit and just throwing it away rather than truly destroying it.) However, when placed in the morally gray protagonist role like you would put, say, the Punisher, Venom has always come off as just completely and utterly boring to me. I have never seen nor understood the appeal. He’s just a big, muscly, edgy Spider-Man with a creepy smile that goes on about “WE MUST FEED” or some horseshit that lacks any sort of drama and tension, instead relying on blood and gore to satisfy the crowd.

Now, the reason why I believe this is mainly because I think the most interesting aspects of Venom are lost the instant you put him in that anti-hero role. More specifically, you lose Eddie Brock’s tragedy.

What does that mean? Well, it’s…complicated. In order to find out why—you’ve gotta break down Eddie to his fundamentals as a character and find out what makes him work, before you go in and look at what doesn’t.

Spoilers for the character ahead, and also I should mention that this is all MY opinion. If you love Eddie Brock and wanna disagree with me, you’re free to do so. Just know that I’m not saying EVERYONE IS WRONG AND I AM RIGHT. This is my own personal deal with the character that I felt has bugged me and has finally come to a head that I gotta get off my chest. Good? Good.

Alright, let’s start off with the two building blocks of Venom: Eddie Brock and the Symbiote.

The Symbiote is some space-dimensional-parasite thing that is this thing that feeds off of the emotions of its partner, and then gets a small bit of their emotions that becomes a part of them. Each symbiote, according to new lore, has its own personality and ideas—but the symbiote that fell on our character has had…let’s just say a very VERY difficult couple of previous hosts before Peter Parker ever entered the picture. It lost its mind and became this thing that fed off of one emotion more than any—pure, seething rage. That last part, to me anyway, is the most crucial part of what defines Venom and separates him from the other incarnations like Carnage or something. This suit is fueled by the darkest part of the human id, the place where your darkest fantasies and thoughts that you refuse to give the light of day manifest. As long as dark thoughts exist in your mind, it will gravitate towards them and expand them ten-fold. It’s more than just some black goo that gives you powers—this is a living, breathing thing that cannot be negotiated with, and cannot be controlled. It can only be submitted to.

Eddie Brock is another thing entirely. Many different people have many different takes on the dude, but based off of his different origin stories, and how he’s set up, there is one fundamental item that has always defined him before the suit: tragedy. Eddie Brock has always got the short end of the stick in basically every department. He’s either lost his job, or he’s lost his mentor, or he’s lost his girlfriend—hell, he’s even once lost his future when he discovers that he has a tumor. Whether it’s because of these events, or how he was raised before, all of these things happening to him at once garnered two things within Eddie: contempt. Contempt towards those who got to have the life he’s always wanted but could never have because of *insert reason here.* It also doesn’t help that every decision he’s made to fix his life has always blown up in his face as well by trying to take shortcuts that he’s seen others get away with in the past easily, adding to his pain and suffering. He is, essentially, the one person in all the Marvel universe who can never catch a break. It’s that aspect that honestly makes Eddie Brock more interesting than the symbiote in some capacities. He’s more fleshed out, more humanized and shows just how bad things can go for people in the wake of mistakes that superheroes can make.

Now, for me, it’s when you combine these two where things can get…iffy. Mainly because it’s how you interpret or misinterpret either the symbiote, Eddie, or both that can make or break the character. For me personally, there’s one aspect of Venom that works the best, mainly because it makes the most sense with their characters and motivations. It ain’t the suit, it ain’t the symbiote, but instead Eddie himself. If you stop to think about it, there’s a kind of tragedy surrounding him.

Eddie sought solace in life and was refused time and time again by those around him. And then, at his lowest point, there is only one thing that gives it to him: the symbiote. The symbiote gives him the power that he’s always dreamed of, and lets him finally unleash the rage and contempt that has been boiling in his system for years. And it is ONLY THEN when Spider-Man finally tries to lay down an olive branch. He tries to get Eddie to fight it, to beat it, but by then Eddie is too far gone. Hell, I’d argue that the instant Venom starts to refer to himself in plural, that’s when Eddie truly died. They are better now. They have found peace within themselves. And they don’t need your sympathy. The idea of being told that you can be “saved” becomes a joke to those who were forced to save themselves.

Therein lies the tragedy: It isn’t that Venom isn’t given a chance at redemption, but rather that he refuses it.

When writers play into that effect, and show how depraved and demonic Venom is, and then juxtapose it with the shriveled up husk of a man that is Eddie Brock who only finds peace in becoming that terrifying thing—that’s when the character is firing at all cylinders I think. He becomes this horror show who you can’t help but feel the same amount of pity as you do fear of him. It’s almost a kind of Walter White situation in terms of losing oneself to your alter ego. This is why and how I find Venom fascinating.

But, on the contrary, when you try to put Venom in the different role of anti-hero rather than straight up villain, I draw the line in the sand.

Y’see, a fundamental part of what makes Venom so much of a cool villain is because he can’t escape his tragedy. He is literally bound to it. To make him anything other than an antagonist would go against that tragedy and therefore would go against his character, or completely and fundamentally alter the fabric of the character itself.

For example, say you go the direction of having Eddie try to fight the monster and control his powers. Real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde style. The issue you’ve got there is that, well, it’s already been done. Peter tried that a looooong time ago. Plus, it wouldn’t work for the character as he’s already accepted the symbiote as part of himself. “We” and all that.

Another example, say you have Eddie attempt to find a kind of redemption arc and finally own up to his responsibilities. While yes, you can have this done where Eddie finally controls his anger and rage and can become a hero…but it has to come at a cost. Looking at this narratively, the one way to finally put it all behind him would be to defeat the thing that is keeping him from becoming human again, and there’s only one item in Brock’s past that does so—the Symbiote. For him to do a proper redemption arc that makes sense for the nature of the symbiote and how Eddie would move forward (and, admittedly, would be a good final note for the character,) he would have to destroy the suit or refuse to put it on again. Essentially, Eddie can be redeemed…but not Venom. If this were to be used, this would have to be Eddie’s swan song before leaving Venom proper.

The final option is, of course, why don’t you do a Punisher-type thing with Venom? He brutally takes out the bad guys that the other dudes won’t have the stomach to. While Venom could express his rage and anger against the right (or in this case ‘wrong’) people, and could provide an interesting issue for supporting heroes to tackle since he’s crossing the line for the right reasons, it’s kind of a one-trick pony. Long term it would fall flat on its face. It would get stale because you’d just see him constantly mowing people down with no consequence and no character development save for the occasional time when Eddie is justifying his actions. It would have to start and then, after a killing spree or two, he would get taken down by the heroes who force him back into a cage. This idea DOES fall in line with Eddie Brock’s tragedy, and admittedly could be done…but without that juxtaposition of Venom brutally murdering gangsters and supervillains with your Iron Men and Spider-Folks trying to maintain justice and order and are forced to take Venom down, it’ll all be lost.

You see where I’m going with this? Every time you try and set up Venom as an anti-hero, it just doesn’t work out that well. You either take away a fundamental part of what makes his character interesting, or you end up losing the character forever. He’s not like Punisher. He’s not like Deadpool. He’s not like, well, any other kind of anti-hero. He’s too much of a beast to be contained. It’s like trying to make the Joker out to be an anti-hero. You can’t. He’s done too many horrible things and would have no real reason to do any modicum of good in his entire life.

(Random hot take: I also don’t particularly care for Agent Venom. He just feels…lame. He has the Venom suit without the insanity of the symbiote or the contempt of Eddie, instead vying for a toned-down Flash Thompson who doesn’t have that strong a personality when put next to not only Venom, but Spidey and even Carnage. Also…really with the guns? You have a SYMBIOTE SUIT that can turn into ANYTHING and you choose GUNS?! That’s REEEEEAAALLY lame.)

Now. With ALL OF THIS BEING SAID. Let’s wrap right back around to the Venom movie.

In my eyes, there is only one real way you could feasibly do a Venom movie. It’s Eddie’s fall from grace and descent into madness. It’s a take on the world of bright super-heroes where even the best of them can’t necessarily save everyone, and create this beast out of your darkest nightmares. Perhaps it can even make a commentary on the collateral damage that super-heroes would have on society (not necessarily the death kind as seen in Civil War, but more of the problems they would create for the little people like Vulture from Homecoming—only expounded by constant tragedy rather than lack of a job.) Due to that, it would be less of a bloody slasher movie as much as a dark psychological thriller. Yes it would mean you wouldn’t necessarily see a LOT of Venom throughout the movie, but it would be something that emphasizes his best features while also being something you haven’t seen before from a super-hero movie.

It’s for this reason that I don’t mind that Venom isn’t in he Venom trailer. Hell, I’m happy he isn’t. Venom isn’t the best part of Venom, it’s Eddie Brock. The symbiote plays a part, yeah. But as a character, Eddie defines it. His growing contempt, his initial fear of giving into his “demons,” his tragic fall from grace, and his eventual acceptance of Venom as the only way to become whole which would THEN lead to the much-anticipated bloodbath. That’s why I’m glad it looks like he’s going to be more of the focus than Venom.

That being said, is the film going to go that direction I want it to? I don’t know. If I were a betting man, I’d say that it’s probably not going to be because of how little he connects to any kind of Marvel Universe due to rights, and how it looks like he’s going to be fighting different kinds of symbiotes with some ‘spooky organization’ that’s probably going to recruit him into being a citizen soldier or something. From what I saw in the trailer, that’s what it looks like. But, that being said, the fact that they focused so heavily on Eddie HOPEFULLY means it’ll be more about his aforementioned descent into madness rather than meaningless blood and gore. I don’t care if they completely change his origins—if they can make something interesting and meaningful then by God: DO IT. Look at what Spectacular Spider-Man did. The show altered Eddie COMPLETELY and made what I consider to be the BEST take on Venom’s character. It’s just the right amount of insanity mixed with the perfect amount of tragedy.

And at the end of the day, that’s what Venom’s all about: Insanity and Tragedy.

(Again, If you disagree with any or all of what I’ve said, feel free. But know I’m not telling you to feel this way, so don’t go bananas because I spoke my piece on a blog that nobody reads. This is just my personal opinion on the character. Nothing more.)

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years ago

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Rant/Review: Initial thoughts on Runaways Season 1

So that was a thing.

I’ve made a lot of comments on the Netflix/Marvel series of the past on here, most of which are glowingly positive (save for Iron Fist and a good chunk of Defenders…Punisher is fucking great, and I might get on talkin’ about all of those later. Suffice to say, until that last show, I was starting to doubt if they knew what they were doing), so I find it naturally fair to talk about the Hulu side of things now that their recent Marvel take, Runaways, has ended its first season.

And it’s…alright, I think.

Like there is a lot of good and a lot of bad to be pulled out of this show, and seeing as how I’m writing this just after seeing it I’m going to try and air out as much of my initial thoughts as possible.

Ok, let’s start off positive.

The main cast isn’t half bad, all things considered. The kids are relative newbies to acting (at least in terms of something like this) and hotdamn if they aren’t charming and relatable in their own unique ways.

Same goes for the parents. They’re each likable enough and yet also despicable enough to be both feared and loved throughout—and that’s honestly the best part of the show.

The show is strongest when it forces you to go through seriously conflicted emotions as to where you stand with some of these people. On both sides, you’ve seen just enough to know what they’re going through to feel for them. When two people are revealed to be having an affair, you understand why each of the four people involved feel the way they do (save for one, but I’ll get to him in a minute.) So much so that when one of them had to sacrifice themselves you’re just kind of left with a knot in your stomach going “yeah but…I mean I guess, but what about…oh GOOOD JUST DON’T DIE!”

One of the best sections of the show is that inevitable parent and kids showdown, I think. The conflict of emotions reach their climax as well as being that final revelation about the kids both knowing and having powers revealed in that moment was GREAT. Actually, the more that I think about it, really the final two episodes is the show leaning on its strengths and really firing on all cylinders. That final shot was enough to get me pumped for the (now confirmed) Season 2.

The central antagonist is a ball of fun too. It’s played by the guy who played Dr. Doom in the Story Fantastic Four flicks, and he’s just this fun little sleaze-ball who just has this way about him when he enters a room that makes you just shit yourself. We don’t know a lot about him yet, but he’s certainly a guy you love to hate.

Oh yeah, and those romances were cute. All of them. Though not the Stein family between Victor and his wife. Yeah, that’s fucked.

Now let’s talk about the…not so positive aspects.

The biggest issue I had was that a whole lot of the show’s characters, at least in terms of certain character types, were REALLY two-dimensional.

The bullies at school are the generic antagonists who make fun of the main characters or are general dicks for no reason, and Victor Stein is LAUGHABLY evil in the first couple episodes that I was partially convinced he was Norman Osborn in terms of sheer douche-dadiness. (Not a word, I know, but still.) He does turn around and you start to feel for him in certain aspects, but he is just REALLY a cardboard cutout at the beginning. Even the main characters had this problem–hell, after the first episode I couldn’t tell you the first character trait about the main character except for that he’s the main character. Arguably that could be the point of the show, to take stereotypes and break them by fleshing out their characters, but if it takes two episodes to get there…I don’t know.

Speaking of the first two episodes, they just. Weren’t. Good. They dragged and had me rolling my eyes at the clichés and stock incidents and characters to create synthetic conflict. Like the oh so fun “douche-canoe fuck-bois who try to date rape a girl” bit where the white knight has to save the girl and he later gets to bang her (ok, the show does flip this around by the end as it turns out she’s a lesbian, but it still doesn’t change the fact that that story tangent is a cliché and also never really comes back after the first couple episodes.) Like at the end of the day, what was the point of that? To separate him from the lacrosse team? The team that the show never focuses on nor really goes into detail about? Like the coach fucking gets THREATENED by Victor Stein and that comes up…all of never. Yeah a lot of plot threads were just dropped because they tried to do too much.

While I did like aspects of the central baddie of this show, and I dig that they are breaking from the superhero norm (at least for Marvel) by keeping him around as a central bad to be tackled in the following season, and that the real end of the show is for the group to finally own up to their namesake and run the fuck away, I don’t know if I exactly buy all of the conflicts. Like I don't know that all of these parents would just BLINDLY jump into murdering children for the sake of what they were told is “renewable energy” to revive some weird albino alien man. Maybe they’ll get into why they stuck around (tapes be damned) later, but still. As for the conflict for the children themselves, my problem is that the show takes a LONG TIME to get to the runaway part. Like it takes until the final episode to get that. Again, that’s apart of the point of the show, but seeing as how that’s the NAME OF THE SHOW, you’d think there’d be more of it? But whatever.

Upon milling on it, and thinking about the show, I can say that I definitely enjoyed it. I wasn’t bored shitless like Iron Fist nor wanting to shove my head through the wall like certain parts of Defenders, but that’s more like proving that you can at least pull off a narrative competently.

Is it as good as Punisher? No. Are there things to like? Yeah. But, I just hope they try and avoid these pitfalls next time in terms of taking the easy way out with character tropes and lazy synthetic conflict scenarios.

(Random aside I added late while editing this thing, favorite character is probably Dale? He grew on me, what can I say. Especially after that gun scene.)

But as it stands, it’s a good ol’ dose of dumb, spunky fun. I put it in the range of Supergirl and Flash levels of quality. Meaning that if you’re into just kickin’ back and havin’ a chill, fun time, check it out.

It’s a hell of a lot better than Iron Fist, I can tell you that for free.

#marvel runaways #runaways #review #rant #marvel #long post #that's it #it's brief

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years ago

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Rant: Defining a Mary Sue

Ok, let me explain some of the reason why I’m writing this.

I saw The Last Jedi. Just so you know, not only did I fall in love with it, but it’s also my favorite Star Wars film currently as well as my current favorite film of the year. If you think it’s shit, go ahead and come at me. But not really, let’s not waste both of our times by trying to convince each other something that the other refuses to do. Plus, like I like to say, everyone is open to their opinion, and I ain’t gonna tell you you’re wrong…though some of the reasons why people don’t like the film I don’t think stack. Like if you didn’t care for the comedy or the pacing, that’s a fine argument, but if you don’t like where they took characters or something to that extent, I feel as though you missed the point—but that’s another argument for another time. Now the reason why I bring that up is because people have accused Rey, in this film, to be the very definition of a Mary Sue.

If I may quote the Princess Bride… I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

In fact, I don’t know if anyone really knows what the hell a “Mary Sue” is. According to Wikipedia, it’s “an idealized and seemingly perfect fictional character. Often, this character is recognized as an author insert or wish fulfillment.” It’s a very…loose definition, if I am honest. It doesn’t help that it’s a word that people have used frivolously as this kind of blanket term to stop a meaningful discussion of the purpose of a character for better or for worse. I suppose that’s because different things bother different people for subjective reasons that you can’t really put down to paper, but I also think that there are parts that can be put to paper to nail what separates certain characters from lazily written characters.

So, let’s get into it and try to break down what it means.

First off, Rey isn’t a Mary Sue.

Despite what those like the now infamous Max Landis may say in all of his “infinite wisdom,” Rey is not a Mary Sue. According to that definition, he argues that characters without distinct character flaws who can do anything are innately boring, and therefore, Mary Sues. Well, I hate to break it to ya, but she is as much of a Mary Sue as Captain America is in all of the MCU movies. If you think about it for a second, the two characters do share a common vein in certain capacities. Both are wholly good characters who follow an ideal unabashedly through their unique abilities that make them the only ones who can stop a certain greater evil. Defeat the Sith and bring order to the galaxy for Rey, and defend the freedoms of every man, woman and child for good ol’ Cap.

The argument seems to suggest that any protagonist who doesn’t have some extreme vice they are battling are complete washes. By that very extension, you can go one further. This argument would actually suggest that some of literature’s greatest protagonists are Mary Sues. Take Atticus Finch. He’s a morally sound lawyer who sticks up for the black man in the middle of the deep south. He has no real vices, goes the extra mile to protect Tom Robinson, and can be argued to be a bit of Harper Lee preaching through his dialogue (especially during his closing argument.) What is to say, by this definition, that he isn’t a Mary Sue?

Are you seeing the issue here?

So what is it that makes a Mary Sue? Well, looking back at those three characters, Atticus, Rey and Cap, all three have in common a couple traits that characters who are Mary Sues like Bella Swan from Twilight (yes, using her is low bearing fruit, but hotdamn if there ain’t a better example in existence) do not. Perhaps the most important trait they all share is the one that is the easiest to describe.

They fail.

Despite their best efforts, despite their strength and power, despite their will effort—they still fail in some capacity. Atticus can’t save Tom Robinson, Cap lies to Tony and can’t get away with it, and Rey can’t turn Kylo to the light side. They have all of this power, but they still can’t stop something. Most Mary Sues don’t. And if they do, it usually isn’t something that was in their control and if it somehow was, then they’re easily forgiven without so much as a second thought. Their past actions never come back to bite them, forcing them to change. This adds to another fundamental point about Mary Sues.

An important aspect of character development is just that: development. They have to change a certain incorrect aspect of themselves in some capacity to accomplish a greater goal. Now some may argue that Rey from The Force Awakens doesn’t really go through that much of a change introspectively. While I suppose you may be right in some capacities, in The Last Jedi, she DEFINITELY goes through some fundamental inner changes. Losing her naïveté on the Jedi, whether or not the importance of her parents matter, etc. From the beginning of the movie to the end of the movie, she ain’t the same character. Same goes for Atticus and MCU Cap, though I suppose those are more self-explanatory.

In order for change to occur in their world, they have to change. This leads to the third and perhaps most difficult to properly explain aspect of what makes a Mary Sue. They change because of the world, not the other way around. Now I say that, knowing that someone is going to quickly jump on the band wagon of “THE CHOSEN ONE STORIES LIKE REY ARE BULLSHIT MARY SUES!” which, yeah they CAN be, but they aren’t AUTOMATICALLY. When I say ‘change the world,’ I don’t mean the physical world as much as that world’s society. To go back to Twilight, everyone in that world just bent a knee to Bella’s will. Werewolves and vampires loved her, she was in the middle of a love triangle because of how ‘gosh darn amazing’ she is, and blah, blah, blah. It sucks away any and all conflict because of ‘main character status.’ Think back to Rey for a second. Yes, she is the powerful light that must come about to combat the dark that is Kylo as it is “the way of things.” Yes, she single-handedly beat Kylo first round (even though he was SHOT BY CHEWIE AND CLEARLY LOSING BLOOD AND MAKING HIM UNSTABLE—anyway.) But did she completely bend the world of the film’s society in on itself simply because she’s Rey? Well…the film sets up that she might when she talks with Kylo…but it’s immediately flipped when it’s revealed it’s just Kylo playing to her naïve tendencies. She can’t stop the war against the rebellion first go, she can’t convince Kylo to join her side, and she can’t even convince Luke to help the Rebellion in its most dire hour…no the ghost of Yoda’s gotta do that one. The world can’t bend to her will and give her anything and everything on a silver platter, she’s gotta fight tooth and goddamn nail for it.

So there you have it. Failure, change, and no society-breaking main character powers. Those are what separates characters from Mary Sues, in my humble opinion. So…why have this argument at all? Why go on a rant about this small aspect on writing? Well, like I was suggesting earlier, I think people are missing a certain important aspect of writing main characters: it’s ok to have a Superman. It appears that the main problem is that what we have forgotten you can have a powerhouse with a heart of gold. It is possible to have people you can look up to, and have characters who are just good for goodness sake. It feels like the argument is that Happiness/Goodness and Power Levels are on two sides of a goddamn libra, when they aren’t. You can have both in a character. If anything, I’d argue the opposite is even MORE bland and boring!

If you cover up your lazy writing and lack of character change through your self insert main character by giving them some edgy ‘oh noooo, he kills people and sweaaaaars!!!’ bull, you aren’t impressing anybody. You have a main character who is insufferable, and they get away with murder when they shouldn’t be able to. One of the reasons why I’m not a particular fan of Harbinger is because the main character very much IS that edgy little brat with all the powers. And, rather than have him change as a character or learn from his mistakes to actually be a decent goddamn human being, the finger is pointed at society saying “oh no, WEEEEE are the bad guys!” Gimme a fucking break. Like for those who argue Superman is a Mary Sue due to his power set and lack of change, I say Batman is TWICE as much a Mary Sue than Superman EVER was!

He’s some human cry baby who can’t get over the death of his parents who has the HIGHEST INTELLIGENCE and ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD to beat every baddie and OTHER SUPERHERO IN EXISTENCE because of one simple bullshit reason. Because he’s Batman. That ain’t a fucking explanation, that’s lazy writing and a refusal to let the main character fail or change for the sake of regurgitating the same goddamn storylines over and over again.

At least, that’s how I feel about the comic version of Batman if he’s written in a certain way.

The reason why the Dark Knight and Batman Begins are the best batman films and best comic book films is because they do show Batman failing and going through change. The story of Jason Todd returning for vengeance against Bruce is a great story line, because it highlights Bruce’s greatest failure and forces him to own up to it. THAT is how you do a darker hero right. You don’t highlight just remorse and angst, but a way to move on from those things. Hell, I’ll give Man of Steel this and this alone: having Superman go through a change through failure after he is forced to kill Zod is a VEEEERRY compelling character moment to separate him from a COMPLETE Mary Sue and is easily the best part of that movie. It’s a shame the rest of the movie had to come with it, but still. Props where props are due.

Listen, don’t misconstrue me. Edgy doesn’t automatically mean bad. But gritty doesn’t automatically mean good. Alright?

I realize I’m getting off track, but hotdamn have these things been bothering me as of late. You can’t just throw that goddamn term around willy-nilly. Just because you someone of a lower power level beat someone like Galactus doesn’t mean that they’re automatically Mary Sues. It just means they’ve got power. Christ almighty.

(Also, you notice that most people in popular media that are accused of being Mary Sues are women? Even though, if you break it down, they’re most likely not? And if you turned them into a dude, they’d just as easily praised as being a great protagonist you can just root for? Just sayin’. PRETTY sketchy, if you ask me…)

I might’ve missed some things, but that’s the gist. Feel free to write your characters with as much moral dignity and power as you goddamn want…just make sure they go through some kinda change, eh?

Hey, I just realized. I didn’t mention Detective Conan ONCE! I think I’m getting better! Though…Conan is so obviously a Mary Sue through his lack of change and the way the world just bends to his—OH GODDAMMIT.

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years ago

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Rant/Review: Detective Conan Movie 21: The Crimson Love Letters --AKA-- Pointless

I’m back to talk about Detective Conan…again.

I know I’m beating a dead horse by continuing to harp about how this show is just mind numbingly bad. I mean, I already did one of my review/rants about the show’s hypocrisy, as well as trudging through 20 movies and rating all of them. I really should just let this show die and stop talking about it.

But I won’t. Mainly because I feel like everyone else just gives it a pass for some reason. Nobody acknowledges these issues that are so obviously blatant, and the show just keeps getting away with it. Perhaps it’s because nobody gives a shit about it, I don’t know. But I do. I care about some of these characters, and I’d like to see the show reach its full potential, and as such, I’m gonna continue my grand crusade to kill this beast until it finally keels over.

With all that being said…let’s talk about the Crimson Love Letter. I watched it out of necessity (hell, I’ve seen all twenty movies, what’s one more gonna do?) and I was…floored. Somehow, someway, The Crimson Love Letter was the WORST Detective Conan movie out of ALL of them. Quite the statement, I know. But hear me out.

Let’s talk about the movie first. What is it about?

An old love returns for a tournament where bombs are placed everywhere, and it’s up to Conan and Heiji to stop them all the while Kazuha and the former love get into a spat because apparently Heiji proposed to the girl as a child and now the two are basically having a little match and whoever wins gets to profess their love ala the beginning race of Kingdom Hearts I. Sounds simple and innocent enough, right?

Well, here’s the thing.

If it already wasn’t a clear rip-off of two of its other movies hastily duct-taped together (Crossroads and Eleventh Striker with its focus on Heiji’s relationship and a race against the clock with some kind of sports event,) it does…nothing.

The Crimson Love Letter is the one movie thus far that not only has accomplished nothing (which some of the other movies have done,) but it has nothing interesting or good going for it. Granted, most of these Detective Conan movies seem to have that little issue where they basically amount to NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, and accomplish all of jack and shit in terms of character development, interesting story, or anything else in particular in favor of simply returning to the status quo—but this one just rubbed me in ALL of the wrong ways. For one, it’s a Heiji movie. Already, I’m not a fan. But what’s more, it’s a Heiji episode…that doesn’t do fucking ANYTHING WITH HIM. You have this basic love triangle bullshit thing thrown in the story for no real reason because…because fuck you we needed a movie and it’s not like we did this same exact plot oh wAIT I TOO REMEMBER CROSSROADS (unfortunately.) Again--that’s the thing with this movie! It feels like it’s been already DONE before. It’s Eleventh Striker and Crossroads had a kid and that kid just sat in the corner and did NOTHING. That’s not to say you can’t do another Heiji movie again, or another movie revolving around a sport event--BUT AT LEAST DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Both Striker and this have bombers (granted, a lot of these movies have that...I’m just saying the bomb thing is getting boring for these movies,) and both Crossroads and this have the same shtick with beating it into your head that Heiji and Kazuha are meant for each other (though, by the end, nothing ever comes of it.)

Everything that could have had POTENTIAL is LOST. New layers to Heiji and Kazuha’s relationship? NOPE. By the end, even though love is KIND OF expressed (it’s not really sure) the relationship they had before has gone NOT A SINGLE STEP FARTHER THAN IT DID AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. What’s MORE, let’s talk about this competition the girls go through because my GOD does it piss me off. Like, ok, remember that comparison I made to the race with the beginning of Kingdom Hearts I? Well, you wanna know why it worked there and not here? THEY WERE KIDS. They were kids who didn’t KNOW any better. Sure, it’s a bit different since it’s the girls fighting over the man, but that sure as hell ain’t making this dumbass ritual of fighting over a mate fucking progressive. Remember how Ran’s character basically sets women back a decade? LET’S SEND EM BACK A CENTURY WITH THIS BULLSHIT. They’re acting like CHILDREN fighting over some douchebag with their endgoal SIMPLY BEING that they want Heiji to MARRY THEM. What is MORE, there is NOTHING MORE TO THEIR CHARACTERS.

That one girl that he “confessed to” (by the way, you can tell from second one that it’s going to turn out that he didn’t and it was a misunderstanding—but it’s not going to be addressed until the end because “conflict” is hard to write) has the personality of…nothing. She had no character. She is simply “I want to marry Heiji” and that is it. That is her only character trait that defines her, aside from MAYBE a close relationship with the teacher of whoever taught her that card game? But even THEN, it’s never expanded upon save for being shoved in at the end. Again, I couldn’t tell you the first thing about her.

But that’s all side shit. What about the meat of this thing, right? The murder and intrigue?

Well, there isn’t any.

What there is is hard to follow and keep up with since they throw so many characters at you that are so unmemorable that they begin to meld together. By the time the reveal rolls around, I am just begging for it to end. And believe me…this motive and everything done to get to the point of it…is REALLY FUCKING DUMB. “I lost a private card game where there was no money involved, and there was nothing to be lost by anything so I HAVE TO KILL YOU.” That’s one of the motives of one of the crimes committed in this stupid movie. No, I’m serious. Then there’s the current crime happening with the bombs that, honestly, I couldn’t give less of a shit about. There was so little to hook onto like in previous flicks like Captured in Her Eyes or Quarter of Silence with the colorful cast, that every time they talk about the murder, you’re just BEGGING for the movie to end.

As for the action scenes, they are so lacking in tension because you do not give a shit about the characters and you KNOW that they’re gonna make it out unscathed, that you, once again, are just left sitting there, staring at the screen and waiting for it to fucking END.

There is NOTHING interesting about this movie, save for maybe one thing. Heiji’s mom. She’s actually introduced in this movie (unless she was previously in the show, and I didn’t know,) and she’s such a welcome change of pace of just being this total bitch with a purpose for like five minutes in a montage, that when she leaves, you’re sad to see her go. She’s like this badass female version of Mr. Miyagi that comes in and leaves halfway through the movie. Everyone else is just…SO FUCKING BOOOOOOOORING. HELL, KOGORO AND AI SHOW UP FOR LIKE…MINUTES AND AREN’T EVEN SEEN FOR THE END. SHIT, I DON’T EVEN THINK I REMEMBER KOGORO EVEN APPEARING IN THE LAST FUCKING THIRTY MINUTES OF THE MOVIE, AND AI WAS ONLY IN IT FOR LIKE TEN IN TOTAL! I know it isn’t their movie, or it isn’t about them—BUT THE REASON WHY THEY WORK IS BECAUSE THEY’RE THE ONLY ACTUAL CHARACTERS.

Ok. Maybe that’s not entirely fair. Kazuha kinda has one? But it is sure as shit not enough. She’s just like a more quick-tempered Ran, meaning that her constant state of mind is simply to whine about the boy she loves for an hour and a goddamn half.

In short, nothing was gained nor lost (save for my time), nothing was interesting about this movie in the slightest both in the murder aspect and in the card competition thing since I don’t know how the game works and it was all done mainly through montage, there were frames of animation that were…terrible (I thought one dude broke his arm,) the only real what I’d call ACTUAL CHARACTERS don’t even do anything in the movie (and there’s a scene where Conan is a COMPLETE DICK TO AGASA AND IT’S NEVER TALKED ABOUT AGAIN that I glossed over), and everything just lacks…effort.

At least Jolly Rodger had a cool treasure thing, as shit as it was. At least Crossroads had cool history shit and that one frame that was so memorable. This has nothing. And that, dear friends, is the greatest crime any film can ever commit. It accomplishes and delivers nothing. If the film actually delivered on the Heiji plot with him coming around to finally admitting his feelings towards Kazuha and their characters moving forward to some capacity in some WAY, then I’d maybe let some of this slide. It’d still have that sexist undertone with the whole “all I want in life is to be married” shtick, but at least it’d do SOMETHING.

Maybe that’s what got under my skin with this movie in particular.

My hope—my DREAM is that one of these movies actually DOES something. That something in a movie happens that shakes up the show for the better and makes it perhaps interesting to WATCH again. I am tired of these movies cheaping out and returning to the status quo, or doing something completely worse (which is what this movie did) and not even straying from the status quo—but instead just doing the same shit over and over again.

Give me a Detective Conan movie that has a main character DIE.

Give me a Detective Conan movie where Conan fails and it result in DEATHS that he can’t atone for completely.

Give me a Detective Conan movie where Heiji actually decides “no, I love you Kazuha” and proves to Conan that this pussy-footing around admitting your love for someone is only going to serve to drive them apart.

Give me a Detective Conan movie where something HAPPENS.

I don’t think that’s a request that should be that hard to ask for from a plot that the show deemed so important that they made it into a MOVIE.

As I said, somehow…this is the worst one I’ve seen thus far. I wasted a couple hours of my time watching this damn thing that I can never get back. I hope other people who like the show can at least understand WHY I’m getting tired of this shit. And I hope that they grow tired of it too, to be honest. Not because I want them to hate the show, because I’d hope that it might start a kind of change for the show to actually have a point again. To not be…pointless.

I guess I should continue the rating system, eh? ((2/10))

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 8 years ago

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Rant/Analysis: Logan & Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 --aka -- Redefining the Comic Book Film Genre

(As for why this gif specifically…yeah, I couldn’t think of a better one…)

Y’know…Logan and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 were really freakin’ good. Like…REALLY freakin’ good. Most people I’ve talked to have said that they liked it, but nobody seems to share the amount of enthusiasm I share about these two films in particular, and often say “It’s good. I dunno if I’d see it again, but it’s pretty good.” But, not only do I think that both are good, I will even go so far as to say that both of these comic book movies have shown what it means to redefine the comic book film genre in their own unique ways. BOTH. Bit of an odd claim, especially with that second film being…well it’s Guardians of the goddamn GALAXY. Volume TWO. And the other one is just…it’s WEIRD. It’s the dour follow-up to Deadpool to cash in on that sweet R rating they got. But, again, I have claims. Specifically, I believe that narratively Logan pushed the genre the farthest it’s gone, while I believe that Vol. 2 became the first film in the genre to work with one of the most unique and hard-to-get-right story-telling structures.

But, let’s go into detail about these things. Spoilers, btw.

First off, let’s tackle Logan.

The ways in which Logan pushed the boundaries for comic book films are roughly as obvious as you’d expect if you’ve seen it. It actually provides finality to a character, is self-contained, and successfully does the opposite of what we’ve been taught to be a comic book film ought to be. There ought to be big action set pieces, the villain has to be cut and dry from the get-go, make room for a possible sequel, if a hero dies, it has to be ceremoniously, etc. Logan has the downright balls to stick a finger to these ideas, and actively do the opposite. As the name suggests, we see the man underneath the Wolverine mask. The man behind the myth. In fact, that’s what the film’s main central theme lies in. Taking down myths that we have around heroes that we praise ala Unforgiven and the like. It’s almost a reverse Batman Begins, where Bruce Wayne is making a symbol, while Logan is trying to dismantle it. What’s more, the film downright stood against the very Hollywood mantra for how a sequel should work. It’s usually accepted that you should go bigger, instead going small, which is what Logan did. In fact, if you look at the Wolverine trilogy, you’ll notice that they actually steadily go smaller as the films go on in scale—with the quality just getting better as they progressed. The fact that both of these happen in the same trilogy itself makes it almost the anti-trilogy, as that kind of notion would be previously unheard of. But, that’s another subject for another day.

Despite Logan basically spitting in the face on how most comic book films are supposed to go, with the director himself scoffing at the very notion of seeing the films become something along the lines of carnage for the sake of carnage (sorry Kleatus Kassidy,) the film still remains true to the character in the best way it can. It stays on Logan himself. The man behind the mask, which, to be honest, is the real reason any comic book fan worth his salt likes the character. Not just for the excess violence and swearing and one-liners, but because of who Logan is. How he holds himself, how loyal he is to those who he cares about, how he’s too scared to be too close to anybody, and his general rejection to take a knee to just anybody. As such, it makes sense that the final villain that he has to face off against is a jacked up version of himself, the Wolverine that has been advertised and sold to the masses. A blood-filed rage machine that doesn’t have much in the way of character, but is just about the carnage and violence. By doing so, you make the audience question what it is that they expect from a comic book movie. Which makes it all the more tragic when Logan is eventually killed by this monstrosity. It takes another generation, X-23, or Laura, to put the Wolverine down, and finally do the character justice…perhaps it’s more of an open ending statement. How it’s up to the next generation to decide what matters more: the character or the caricature? The fact that Logan even poses these questions makes it stand out among both the top of the Fox brand of X-Men films, but also in general as a film tackling the subject of super heroes.

And then, conversely, there’s Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

Before I go into detail about this one, I should back up a bit.

In film, there are certain structures that most films abide by, that all mainly circle around the 3 Act Structure, and hence be more narratively driven. Main character sees a problem in his environment that reflects himself, and he or she must conquer that evil, though not before entering his or her lowest point that he or she must conquer. Typical stuff that nearly every movie does. It’s not a bad thing, hell it’s pretty satisfying if you can do it in a unique way, but not all films actually follow this structure. One of note, and the one I’m going to be focusing on, is the “hang-out” movie. The hang-out movie, arguably invented on accident by the film “The Big Sleep” and hitting the mainstream with films like “Pulp Fiction” and “Jackie Brown,” is basically what the name suggests. It’s a movie where you “hang-out” with the main characters, and the plot takes a backseat. There is no clear end-goal that you can see from the get go, but that’s not the point. The point of the film is just to sit around and enjoy the company of the characters, and watch them bounce off each other in different scenarios. The plot winds and curves as dictated by the scenarios that the characters have been placed into. If you try to piece it together at the end, you may find yourself more confused to find a cohesive plot, which is a reason why it isn’t usually embraced by general audiences with a couple exceptions, though to try to pin it down would miss the general point, I think. To rephrase, it’s similar to watching a movie go from scene to scene, rather than plot point to plot point. Hell, the film basically spells it out for you that that is the direction the film is going to go during the opening credits. In it, Baby Groot is dancing to Mr. Blue Sky while the action and destruction is going on behind him. The plot is LITERALLY in the background to the character.

This isn’t to say the plot is unimportant, but it’s very much meandering, but oddly enough meandering with a purpose, which is something that a lot of films in general can’t seem to master. And the fact the film decided to go that direction is endlessly FASCINATING mainly because of one little fact. If I’m not mistaken…Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is the first comic book film to actually use this structure. Every comic book film that I can think of has a very rigorous plot structure that the characters must fall into. That’s to say that there’s not a comic book film other than this one that doesn’t have its fair share of character moments, look at Logan for God’s sake, but this is the first that I can think of where the plot didn’t matter. They tossed out the handbook and just did whatever they wanted to do to flesh out the characters by placing them in different scenarios, see how they bounced off each other, and let it go from there. What you then get in response is this piece of film where every single major character is provided with enough character development and depth. Every single major character, I should remind you, include the already established five heroes, as well as five additional characters. That’s TEN characters who hold their own in terms of how much their characters are just that. Characters. With depth and layers that you could peel back to see the real humanity in them, or lack thereof in Ego’s case. (Avengers and Justice League: take note.) To see all of that come from a comic book film is honestly rather refreshing, when placed to all of these plot heavy films that are focusing on either setting up another movie down the line, mindless action or is just chucked into the same formulaic structure that Marvel has become damn near infamous for following. Add to that the most stunning visuals ever seen in a Marvel movie, and you have one of the most unique comic book films in both the MCU, as well as in general. The subject that Vol. 2 tackles is also very much an important subject matter as well, if you think about it. Focusing on toxic father figures as well as asking what’s more important: what your legacy is or what you value. (Insert political joke here.) Which, in this case, can be seen as family. I’d go into detail about this, but that’s another discussion for another day. Point is, you have a character heavy film in a very plot heavy world, and I couldn’t help but love every single minute of it.

In many ways, perhaps the two are more similar than I gave them credit for initially. Both are character driven films that defy convention and push the boundaries and demand more from their niche medium. Both are relatively contained with uniquely satisfying character development. They are both still vastly different, with one being a neo-western that tears down the “mythification,” for lack of a better word, of the characters, while the other is a hang-out space opera with the slightest echoes of old Greek legends. Both, I should also add, aren’t perfect. Each have their own set of issues, and if you didn’t like them, I can understand why. They also broke so far from tradition in each of their own respective ways, that I can see how it can be jarring and maybe a one-time watch for some of you, as hang-out movies always being an acquired taste, and Logan being so dour, dark and harshly blunt. That being said, I do think that both should be recognized as innovative in the genre in their own unique way. If you think that one’s a bit of a stretch, feel free to disagree, but I stand firm in saying that these two are among the best and unique I’ve seen come out of each studio. One is more critical, while the other is looser.

As to which one is my personal favorite, I’m torn. I’m leaning towards Logan, with its jaw-dropping performances from Hugh Jackman, Sir Patrick Stewart and Dafne Keen as well as the pure grit and honesty that went into it, but the more I think about it, the more I can’t help but smile when I think about how well those scenes between Yondu and Rocket (also, GIVE IT UP FOR MICHEAL ROOKER, Y’ALL. Best damn Mary Poppins I EVER did see), or how devious Ego was that FINALLY GAVE ME ONE GREAT FANTASTIC FOUR VILLAIN ON THE BIG SCREEN, or the eye-watering visuals….so I dunno. The jury is still out at the moment. But I’ll tell you what…they were both better than Iron Fist.

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 8 years ago

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Rant/Review: Detective Conan Movies 1-20 --aka-- Kill the Beast

(And no. I will not be following up on that Bleedman thing from earlier. I tried. I failed…Please do not make me.)

As many of you might already know, I have certain…shall we say, STRONG feelings towards Detective Conan and Case Closed. I both love it and loathe it for reasons that you can see in an earlier little rant of mine where I go over in EXCRUCIATING detail my exact emotions towards this goddamned thing. I ain’t gonna repeat myself, but I will simply preface thislittle thing by reciting just a fraction of my thoughts towards the show so you know: I hate Conan/Shinichi himself, because I think he’s an uncaring asshole, and Kogoro Mouri is a gift because he’s the only character that seems to show at least an inkling of GROWTH which the show doesn’t seem to comprehend. Boom. That’s all you have to know really. I listed off my thoughts, and that should’ve been the end.

Should have being the operative phrase.

Y’see, I guess I’m a bit of a sadistic bastard who is just cruisin’ for a bruisin’, because recently I decided to try something. After watching a couple episodes of Case Closed on a whim, I was…well, horrified by what I was watching. And no, it wasn’t because of the dub. (If anything the dub made it a little bearable because of Moore’s great delivery for every line, but that’s neither here nor there…though some line reads of the other characters were uh…less than stellar.) Everything about it was just…BAD. It could’ve been because I chose the worst episodes accidentally at first, but…it was just DIFFICULT to sit through. I watched a couple more episodes, and it got better but…that first sitting was just so difficult, that I found it hard to remember why it was I liked the series so much as a kid, and why I feel the need to defend it at some points. As such, I decided to take on the Herculean task…of watching all twenty of the Detective Conan movies.

ALL. TWENTY.

(Not including the Lupin III crossover, or the new one about the love letters…but I suppose I’ll end up watching those two out of pure curiosity at some point.)

I spent a good week trucking through every one of these motherfuckers, and let me tell you, IT WASN’T EASY. It was surprisingly difficult. After a while, they start getting repetitious, formulaic, pointless, and even annoying. REALLY annoying. Yeah, you could argue my feelings and thoughts are down to personal taste, and I can just shove my opinion out my ass…but I went in BEGGING for these movies to win me over. I didn’t want to hate them. And hell, SOME OF THEM I DID END UP LIKING. But a good chunk fell into my dreaded expectation for them, and a few even did surprisingly worse in some cases.

I’ve been putting this task off for so long, anyway. I knew, deep down, that I had to see them all. To know if there was any chance that the show had returned to form, or even if there was any form to return to. I told my friends that I kept on thinking back to “The Mob Song” about killing the beast when I decided to do this. The lyrics in particular feeling oddly fitting for what I was about to do. “…It’s a nightmare, but it’s one exciting ride. Say a prayer, then we’re there at the drawbridge of a castle, where there’s somthing truly TERRIBLE inside….See him roar, see him foam, but we’re not coming home till he’s DEAD. GOOD AND DEAD. KILL. THE. BEAST.”

Bit of an…extended metaphor, I grant you, but I can’t just let this beast haunt me.

(And before you ask, yes. The first six movies I watched dubbed, while the rest were subbed to give them the best shot to win me over (because nostalgia), but I’ll try to refer to them as much as I can with their original Japanese names. I may go back and watch them subbed…but I have had to sit through twenty of these goddamned things so don’t expect me to do it any time soon.)

Anyways…let’s kill this goddamned beast. Here. We. GO.

The Time Bombed Skyscraper felt very much like just an elongated episode of Case Closed/ Detective Conan. Granted, a very GOOD episode of Case Closed/Detective Conan, but an episode nonetheless. It’s got everything: twists, turns, bombs, and bullshit. Hell, it actually starts off exactly like an episode of Case Closed/Detective Conan too, with them wrapping up a case with Conan knocking Mouri out. It made me kinda nostalgic towards the series, and briefly reminded me about what I loved about it. Its over-the-top ridiculousness that also remained to be a fun little whodunit of the week. The film itself was consistent with the plot, and remained on a single large mystery with a serial bomber. As to that serial bomber’s motivation after the reveal, it was…eh? It’s a tortured artist who wants to blow all of his works because he’s a perfectionist…and he’s wrapping Kudou into it because…he wants to play a game while he does it? Sure, the mysterious one pulling the string is a fun villain to have, but the villain’s gotta have either an actual good motive, or be so powerful that all these smaller things amuse him/her in order for that to work. The villain fits neither of those, as while he is closest to the latter, he doesn’t actually have build-up to this drastic measure. You’d think he’d start off small with the crimes until he worked his way up ala The Most Dangerous Game or Kraven the Hunter, but no. He just jumps straight to bombs that he just HAS for some reason. This then leads to the main issue with the film. It just leans too heavily on the mystery, without giving much acknowledgment to the characters. Action set-pieces and chase scenes replaced character development and intrigue with the characters, until the end. But by the time you got to the end, while not completely devoid of emotional weight, which I’m gonna give props to the voice actors behind Mouri and Ran in the dub (or Moore and Rachel) for knocking it outta the park at that end scene, it still could’ve had much more of an oomph if we got more time with the characters. Especially with Ran/Rachel, as she spent most of the time with Serena/Sonoko and pining, as per usual. That being said, the ending was still rather tense and touching. While the animation leaves much to be desired, it evens it out with the action scenes, but, as mentioned before, that leaves it with the issue of just being a longer version of the better episodes of Case Closed/Detective Conan. Is it narratively satisfying? Weeell, ish. It does wrap up the bomb plot, but as for where that leaves the characters…save for the continuity of Leo Joel being the father of a character in a later movie, but we’ll get to that when we get to that. It doesn’t do what you’d want a movie to do, which is expand upon these characters and develop them. Make them more compelling. That or else advance the main plot. It had some good moments, but it just was not enough to leave an impression. ((6/10))

The Fourteenth Target taunted me. It gave me the illusion of perhaps breaking down Mouri’s character, with character moments that were surprisingly solid, seeing a younger Mouri and Megure (which was fun as hell to see in brief,) but yeah, it collapsed underneath its own weight. Intriguing moments in the mystery be damned. The motive for the killer was…it sucked. It sucked SOOOOOOOO bad. Like, you think this is an ex-con going after everyone and anyone that Mouri cared about, which can lead to a lot of interesting character moments if they decided to go that direction. But, of course, it never did. It decided that he was only using that motive FOR COVER to kill several other people for a reason so dumb that it makes Lex Luthor from Batman v Superman look like a goddamned GENIUS. The movie showed Mouri be a badass, sure. And I always live for that kind of shit, but it wasn’t worth it in this thing. The animation, due to how early it was made, also looked just…bad. It looked like just a longer episode from season 2 or 3, save for maybe a couple nice shots with a car, but making the bells and whistles pretty, while not even looking at your engine is a piss poor way to make sure your car works, if you catch my drift. (That may seem weird that I give the other a pass on animation, but not this one, but...I dunno. This one felt extra janky to me. I’ll give it a pass all the same, but still.) The only real praise I can give it, save for the other things I’ve stated, was that its narrative was cohesive and it at least had some character moments that keep it from being completely unwatchable. And that really shouldn’t be a compliment, as much as an expectation for any film in general. ((5/10))

The Last Wizard of the Century was so close. I kind of liked it at some points, but it missed the truly great boat somewhere along the line. In fact, I’d hesitate to call this one anything other than passable, honestly. It’s a filler movie that has echoes of a classic Indiana Jones type adventure. And, to be honest, it does that kinda shit REALLY well. The movie has a classic adventure feel after the Kaito Kid heist comes and goes, and when it does, it feels fresh n’ new for Detective Conan. It has fun traps, treasures and a fun little cast of characters, while also having some really solid comedy sprinkled here and there, and even having a legitimate touching moment towards the end when you see what it is the “memories” egg does. But, that all being said…yeah, this movie’s got issues. Chief among them being that the Kaito Kid shit at the beginning feels like a completely different movie from the rest once we get into the Indiana Jones-esque plot. Heiji is brought in, all of those folks who are immediately associated with Kaito show up, and, after Kaito gets shot—the movie flips on a dime. Those characters are never seen from again. That being said, how they worked Kaito INTO the Indiana Jones-esque plot was cool with him being disguised as Shiratori, but that still doesn’t excuse the fact that it was plot whiplash with how little it felt like it connected. Granted, they’re both fun in their own respects, and keeps you interested, but it’s just really jarring. And then…there’s the scene. The scene I always think about when it comes to this show that makes my blood boil. The “reveal” scene. Right at the end, after they’ve been slowly building up that Ran’s been figuring out “wait…Conan might actually be Shinichi” in an honestly interesting way, with just showing her staring at Conan in the background (except for the end where the straw that broke the camel’s back with her is…honestly it’s really weak. They could’ve done something—ANYTHING, but they didn’t and chose…something just completely underwhelming), until the very end where she finally breaks. She’s in tears, begging for Conan to just tell her that he isn’t Jimmy, and after a moment, he thinks to himself, “I can’t do this anymore.” AND RIGHT BEFORE. HE DECIDES TO REVEAL HIS IDENTITY. IT’S A BIG FUCK YOU, AND KAITO SHOWS UP AND PRETENDS TO BE SHINICHI FOR A BRIEF SECOND TO PERPETUATE THE LIE. Narratively, it’s lackluster. Granted, it makes sense for Kaito to do Jimmy a good turn as he took care of his bird, but…BUT THE ENTIRE SET UP FOR THE REVEAL WAS POINTLESS. While what they did was kind of clever, it never amounted to anything. It didn’t go into detail about WHY Conan’s been keeping this a lie, or WHY he might decide to change his mind and tell her. He just sees her cry and is like “eh, fuck it.” Which makes the reasoning as to WHY HE CONTINUES TO LIE EVEN STUPIDER. GAAAAAAAAAAAH....But. That all being said. The movie does still have its moments. The two separate plots, while jarring to watch back to back, are fun, and how Conan breaks the killer down in the Knight Room is REALLY cool in how it’s done. Does it feel like just a long episode? Eeeeh, ish. Again, there are some really cool moments in here that separate it from the regular Detective Conan fair, but not really. Just…fuck me, I hate this Ran and Shinichi will-they-won’t-they bullshit, because the answer is always the same: “…not yet, we’re still milking this sonnuvabitch.” But, overall, it’s passable. ((6/10))

Captured in Her Eyes is weird. For every good thing this movie does, and I do mean GOOD, it also bungles it up somehow. For example, the movie has two REALLY great things going for it. This police thriller mystery, and the amnesia of Ran. Both are tackled in these really serious ways, and suggests a lot of introspection of the characters. As, not only are half of the suspects cops we already know (one of which ACTUALLY HAS HER LIFE ON THE LINE DURING THE ENTIRE MOVIE,) but it also suggests that it’s going to analyze just why exactly Ran has the relationships that she does in the show. Both of them are making you question EVERYTHING about the characters you know. And that is a BRILLIANT fucking concept. And in some respects…it kind of delivers. There are some surprisingly effective quiet moments, some in depth character dissection with none other than my main man Kogoro Fuckin’ MOURI, and a lot of just REALLY well placed tension. But, the show still bungles it in some fashions. There are some tonal heel turns that make you do a double take, and the show never really dives into the one character relationship that it should in great detail: Shinichi and Ran. Ran starts remembering Shinichi first, for some reason, and…it’s never really explained why. Because of…love? But even then, why does she think that she loves him? She’s got no memory of it, so why the hell is she thinking that way? She also lost all of her memories because she blamed herself for the “death” of Sato, but that’s never really fixed, or at the very least alleviated. It should be this GRAND EMOTIONAL MOMENT when Ran comes to an epiphany of the fact that some things are out of her control, and to stand up for herself…but if she did that, that means that the relationship between Ran and Shinichi might be on the rocks, so, yeah. They do NOT do that. I mean, they KIND OF do? But it isn’t in a really STRONG way. Plus…there’s the kids who are…not gonna lie, they’re really annoying this time around. Granted, they do actually ACCOMPLISH something, and it does show Ran’s humanity despite having amnesia, but still. It should also be noted, that this movie DOES have the issue of not addressing the elephant in the room with most of this mystery: CONAN IS A KID. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THE POLICE EVEN HUMORING THIS MOTHERFUCKER DURING SUCH A MURDER INVESTIGATION? WHY WOULD THE POLICE DEPARTMENT SHOWING HIM EVIDENCE?! That and the ending is WAY too clean for my liking. Everything gets wrapped up into a bow just a little TOO well. There should be at least SOME small form of tragedy to transpire after all of this. I mean, especially after we just sat through and listened to the villain go through a monologue about why he did what he did. TO A KID. The ending, save for a couple REALLY cool visuals with the “OH GOD I REMEMBER EVERYTHING” scene, falls flat on its face, in my opinion. Anywho, aside from those MASSIVE issues, this is definitely worth at least a glance if you’re familiar with the series. While it DOESN’T go in the direction you’d like it to go, it does at the very least NOD to it, and it does have an interesting little thriller angle to keep you entertained. It ain’t perfect (surprise, surprise) but it’s definitely got some parts in it that are DEFINITELY worth watching. The question is, is it good enough to stomach through the bad? Up to you. ((7/10))

Countdown to Heaven couldn’t have come a second sooner. Because that–THAT is what I’m talking about! Nice action, solid comedy, and ACTUAL. CHARACTER. DEVELOPMENT. I think I should just emphasize that: ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I know I’ve talked about this point a lot, but in terms of making something that has characters that you give a shit about, you usually need that development to make them more dynamic. And what’s more, they gave development to the KID CHARACTERS. AND THEY WEREN’T ANNOYING LIKE THEY USUALLY ARE! They just acted like kids, and actually had their moments that made each of them shine! That’s IMPRESSIVE, considering the show’s track record! Not only that, but Ai got a LOT of screen time in this movie, as the movie’s plot is partially linked to the black organization, and while I usually find her character to be a bore, this time I actually genuinely felt for her. I gave a shit about her emotional struggle, her need to find a place to call home after all of her shit went up in smoke. It was, overall, so well DONE. Not only that, but the Ran and Shinichi romance thing in this one DIDN’T make me want to gauge my eyes out with a spork! Mainly because THEY ADDRESS THE ISSUE FINALLY. Which is Conan confronting the fact, however briefly, that he is telling everyone to stop lying AND YET HE HAS NO ROOM TO TALK! Granted, this only goes on for…like a couple sentences, but at LEAST they actually talk about it. And even though it does go for that whole “I can’t die without seeing him one last time” bullshit that I usually hate in this show at the end, it kind of works in this movie. Mainly because it’s one of the earlier movies, and they CAN get away with that. Especially when Ran is ACTUALLY DOING SOME BADASS SHIT WHILE SHE DOES IT, AND ISN’T JUST PINING FOR SHINICHI. The mystery itself was pretty fun too. Had your twists, and turns, and even had the black organization in it, and ACTUALLY had them be worth a damn! They balanced both near perfectly, and had a surprisingly good sense of humor to it. My one gripe is the motive of the killer…because it is honestly VERY weak, but I mean, the mystery leading up to it was cool, and I do love me some clues that were LITERALLY in the background that you had to actually look for to find. Also, there is some artsy thing the dude does when he’s mad at the end, when his plan is revealed is REALLY on the nose…but I still liked it, for some reason. Probably because of the lighting of the scene when it happened. That sounds a lot like more of a backhanded compliment than a critique, but goddammit, I really loved this one. I mean, I guess my main issue would be that damn riddle thing at the beginning that they always add, but even THEN it had a point to it, as it brought itself around at the end and basically echoed the theme of the film itself of how far one will go to escape isolation of the mind. Again, not a critique…OH! I KNOW! That title sequence was REALLY dated. That, and there’s this one moment where the music cue just does NOT work at all…yeah, I know that’s a weak thing to complain about, but come on! It brought a smile to my face, and reminded me why I fell in love with the series all those years ago. Over the top 00’s cheese, a fun whodunit, and it even added in what I’ve always wanted to see in the series: a good ol’ dosage of character development. What’s not to love? ((8/10))

The Phantom of Baker Street seems to be following in Countdown’s footsteps in that it’s a movie I can actually recommend. Of all the films I’ve seen thus far, this is one one that seems to be the most cohesive, and the most cinematic. Including Countdown to Heaven. This film’s got everything, from killer lighting, emotional weight, and EVEN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT…albiet from side characters who you never see again—BUT STILL. Ya boi is gonna start counting that shit, as I hadn’t seen that before now. Everything in this film just works…y’know, despite the oddball fuckin’ concept that’s basically SAO and the RDJ Sherlock Holmes’ offspring. It still makes it work. There’s an interesting mystery sprinkled throughout, good tension—and is the perfect example of what happens when you take the issue of showing the criminal in one of these mystery flicks. Whilst the killer was shown in this film as well, the movie didn’t spend more than half the runtime reexplaining the crime to you that you just saw, rather, it splits this mystery, this time being investigated by Kudou’s father in a much quieter fashion than the usual fair, and juxtaposes it with the video game’s mystery that Conan’s stuck in. The parallels between the two are intentional, as you’d expect. And that’s to tackle a THEME. This theme being the always classic “sins of the father.” About the weight that holds, and whether or not you can or should crumble underneath it, as well as, in some respects, you can’t avoid it and they will overwhelm you. The film even takes some jabs against the Japanese culture, to make almost a social commentary about how it treats its own citizens. I don’t know if that’s the work of the dub, or if that was in the original, but it still provided LAYERS. L A Y E R S. That all being said, the film does still have a good chunk of issues. Most of which stem from two things: the premise itself and the twist. The premise is…yeah, you’ve gotta be able to swallow this one if you want to get anything out of it. It’s certainly weird to see Conan and the gang running around Victorian London in an attempt to stop Jack the Ripper, while still somehow being in the Sherlock Holmes universe…in a video game…where they will all die if they all get taken out. Again, it’s a bit of a hard pill to swallow, considering what is expected from movies involving Detective Conan, but if you can do it, it’s great. And then, there’s the twist. The twist both makes a lot of sense…but also no sense what so ever. And that’s the identity of “Noah’s Ark.” While some of his actions add up, at that same moment, none of his emotions or cocky, dickish attitude adds up to what “Noah’s Ark” wanted to accomplish and it felt like he was more or less trying to detriment himself from actually getting friends…There’s also a couple other minor things that bothered me, like the voice acting of one of the characters just felt off. AND I KNOW, THAT SEEING ME COMPLAIN ABOUT THE DUB SEEMS COMPLETELY OUT OF LEFT FIELD, but I’m sorry, Moriarty’s voice sounded more ridiculous than the Moriarty from Sherlock at some points. Either way, it was still a load of fun. Kinda left a lot to be desired in terms of development of the main cast, but it did have fun with its premise, and considering the line-up I’ve seen so far, that’s saying a LOT. In fact, I could see how this film could arguably be the deepest in the franchise with how much it decided to run with the ball. My main gripes, and want for more character, and some of the voice acting is going to drag it down from being my favorite of the series, but it’s damn near close. Who knows? Maybe it’ll just be getting better from here on out? ((8/10))

Or…y’know, not. Crossroads at the Ancient Capital isn’t really a movie about Detective Conan, as much as it’s about Detective Heiji. Which could be fine…if you actually like the character. Which I don’t. I personally find him to be this unnaturally boring know-it-all side character that only works in certain scenarios. Now, on a positive note, this movie can have some interesting aspects to it when it wants to. Specifically, when it goes into the bullshit involving Kyoto’s history, and culture. They never outright explain it to you, but just have it happen and you just observe. Coming from a guy who has never seen that kind of stuff before, it kept me somewhat captivated when it was on screen. And I say somewhat, because the rest of this movie is just completely boring. The mystery is bland, the characters are meh, and they made the cardinal sin of making Mouri come off as annoying. How. Fucking. DARE you. Then, the ending comes and just turns the insanity dial up to 11 with some Naruto action bullshit, which comes completely out of left field. I swear, there are two times in this movie where the show just gives the middle finger to physics, and yet also wants you to believe this is a serious drama. Gimme a break. Also, before I forget, the reveal about who the girl Heiji fell in love with back in the day was BULLshit. It’s supposed to be adorable, but it’s bullshit convenience that actually might not work, considering a newspaper article that’s shown in the movie. And to add onto my hatred of the RanxShinichi, you’ve got a bunch of bullshit with the two in eachother’s arms, which is just…Oi. I know it’s just my contempt towards the relationship, but even then it wasn’t even that well done. Them talking lasts for like…one second, and then he KNOCKS HER OUT. Because OH GOD WHAT IF SHE SEES ME TRANSFORM BACK. Granted, the imagery of Shinichi holding Ran’s knocked out body, while he’s having a near heart attack is a REALLY cool image, but it’s there for a couple frames, so it ain’t exactly worth the sit through. Even if you like Heiji’s character, there’s not a lot to really get in this. He does…basically nothing interesting, character wise, and makes the whole thing this huge yawn fest with a couple cultural tidbits splashed in there to try and distract you from how boring it is. The more I think about it, the worse it gets, honestly. It’s just THAT boring. And no, I’m not doing this because this is the first movie I’ve watched that isn’t a dub. If it was a dub, it’d still have the same rating that I’m giving it now. ((3/10))

Y’know going from Phantom to Crossroads was jarring as hell already. But adding Magician of the Silver Sky immediately after? Lord, this isn’t helping matters. You have one that just has weight and surprising depth behind it, to a snoozefest, to a movie that is basically three episodes smashed together. Magician is just a whole lot of meeeehhhh. Basically you have one part Kaito Kid episode, one part murder, and third part “oh shit, we’ve got to land this plane.” The thief shit ends anti-climactically as it doesn’t go anywhere, and the how and reason for the murder is…it has holes for DAYS, let me tell you. Like if you hate your job with this woman, fucking QUIT. Pride be DAMNED, she’s keeping you from getting more work and advancing your career. You got the name of that Hollywood man, fucking CALL HIM—anyway. The only thing that’s actually anything remotely good is the plane landing scenes…but even then, it turns into an instructional video later, and you end up just NOT caring in the slightest. There are no themes, no character depth, no nothing. The only thing remotely interesting is when Ran just blows up at Shinichi for always just dropping in and out of thin air, and she finally reveals that she “likes him”—I’m sorry, but limiting it to “like” is FUCKING LAME. GO ALL OUT IF YOU’RE GONNA DO THAT—but even then, it’s swept under the rug as Ran thinks that the person she told that to was Kaito…I know I hate their relationship, but come on. But I mean, at least it wasn’t completely boring? ((4/10))

Strategy above the Depths film was…it’s hard to describe. It showed you who the “villain” was right off the bat, but doesn’t nearly show off any good execution as Phantom did, so everything felt…off for a Detective Conan movie. It almost didn’t feel like a mystery, or anything, really. It was more events that just happened. Were the events leading to a central theme? At the time while I was watching it, I didn’t think so. The events felt more like filler, some of which were a pain to get through and made my eyes roll. I spent the entire time trying to figure out what the film was trying to do…that is until the end. This, ladies and gentlemen, was another attempt to make a Mouri movie. And let me tell you, I’m left wanting more again. But, I will give the flick this, it did give me somethin’ to chew on. Mouri wasn’t presented as the village idiot most of the time this film around. Sure, he was a doofus and did make an ass of himself in front of a huge crowd of people, but surprisingly he was acting like an actual detective. Throughout the movie he brought up good points, he analyzed everyone’s alibi, and actually caught the baddie. On his own. Which was amazing. In some ways, it almost reminds me of Crossroads, where the movie mainly focused on a side character, but unlike Crossroads, this time around it’s interesting. Mainly because it focused on what makes Mouri interesting, which is the fact that he isn’t perfect. So when he does figure it out, it’s a mind-blow, as well as being oddly touching in a way. There was a flawed humanity you saw in him, this time ‘round. Granted, there are flaws that keep this thing pinned down. The mystery itself wasn’t mind bending as you could tell who the bad guy is from a mile away, Ran’s “character” left much to be desired, and, as I said, it still had some filler…though on that last point I’ll give it a pass. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the filler contributed to the end of the movie, so it is kind of warranted, albeit it could have been done better and add to a theme the movie could tackle. Was it as perfect as I’d like it to be? No. But it does actually provide some kind of character depth to one of my favorites in the show. And they don’t sugar coat it by making him perfect, he is still an incompetent sonuvabitch, but you see where his heart is, and that he’s just trying. Even at the end, when he’s throwing down with the villain of the movie, he was losing. BAD. It made you tense, you wanted to finally see this man succeed. At least ONCE. And it delivered. There’s some Ran and Shinichi shit in here, but I didn’t mind it, particularly. I…I honestly do not know where to put this. On the one hand, it did what Countdown did, and provided, while not character development, but character depth to at least some degree. It also did the thing that Phantom did and showed the bad guy before the case was solved, so, if they’re going to go that same route, it should still work. However, it was still sloppy in execution. As I’ve said, the mystery, for the most part, was boring as it felt as though the writer didn’t know how to execute tension properly, which Phantom was able to do in spades. That and the filler made this one really drag, even if it was partially warranted. I wanna give this thing praise for actually going that extra mile by giving something that’s character related, but I don’t think it’s earned it in as it never went far enough in that same vein…But it is definitely a movie I’m going to have to see again to get a better feel for. ((5.5/10))

The Requiem of a Detective…or The Private Eye’s Requiem?…I dunno, I keep getting different title names for it, and I can’t seem to figure out which one is the official translation, but whatever. This film provided one of the most PROMISING IDEAS…but dashed it in exchange for maintaining the status quo. I went into this with high hopes, with the firm belief that maybe—JUST MAYBE!—this could be the great movie in this series, as many people have touted it as the best of this movie series. But alas, it ain’t. I’ll forgive the Reboot-esque 3D models, as it was just a part of the time. But what I will NOT forgive, is setting up an interesting dynamic that could really have your characters shine…and replace it with bullshit that we’ve seen over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Ok. So you have this dude who has Kogoro and Conan’s loved ones stuck in Miracle Land with bombs strapped to their wrists. And, in exchange for them solving some riddle/mystery by a certain time limit, those loved ones get to live. So now, it’s a race against the clock as Kogoro and Conan have to solve the case. And, initially, it ain’t half bad. I’ll say it once, and I’ll say it again. Kogoro is my favorite character, and to see him and Conan bounce off each other in that beginning section was REALLY fun. But then, as it progresses, Kogoro is tossed out for Heiji. Then for “totally not Kaito Kid.” And that’s honestly kind of a letdown, as I was hoping to see the two AT LEAST bond. Having the characters, y’know, PROGRESS. BECOME CLOSER?! AT LEAST UNDERSTAND EACHOTHER?! BUT NO! LET’S GET BACK TO THE BANTER BETWEEN HEIJI AND CONAN SOME MORE. IT’S NOT LIKE WE’VE SEEN THAT 50,000 TIMES. And the movie doesn’t even do anything interesting with THEM either. They’re just sort of…there. Granted, maybe this could be fixed with a good mystery? NOPE! The mystery is something I figured out the instant I saw all the clues. There were no twists, there were no turns—it was completely straight forward. And that is the main issue. They’re just repeating themselves in this. Nothing new is said, nothing interesting is had—nothing. To say this was disappointing, is an understatement. But I will give it this, there was actually some REALLY good tension right at the end with the bombs in the restaurant…the only issue, is that it’s right at the end. Only things interesting about this was both that, and Kogoro being awesome with that little note he wrote, and his little 1v1s with Conan. But that lasted for not even a blink of the running time, so yeah. It isn’t savin’ this turkey anytime soon…but I’ll give it .5 points for trying. ((4.5/10))

I was told that Jolly Roger of the Deep Azure was the worst one in the movie series…and I can kind of see why. This movie didn’t insult me, nor was it completely abhorrent, but it still had some reeeeaally obvious issues. Chief among these issues is the whole idea they wasted. You set up two female pirates from the old days, and go on about how they did a bunch of shit, and you put Sonoko and Ran there and say “LOOK AT THESE GUYS! THEY’RE TOOOOOOOTALLY JUST LIKE THE PIRATE GIRLS!” when they do not actually show anything about how they’re related personality wise. If the movie focused on Ran and Sonoko, and we saw their friendship blossom to ACTUALLY WARRANT THE PARALLEL between these two pirates, then sure. Alright. I’ll buy it. But they don’t. If anything, the pirates are just there for background purposes. As well as a lot of the stuff in this movie, honestly. Nothing felt like it mattered. There was a man who died after being CHEWED UP BY SHARKS, and it doesn’t really affect anything in the overall plot. I feel I should reiterated that, a man DIED, and the death’s purpose was…nonexistent. Not only that, but even when it came to the plot, the motive of the killer made a whole lot of sense! AND ALSO. For something that’s supposed to be this GRAND MYSTERY, this INDIANA JONES type shit, why are the puzzles so FUCKING OBVIOUS!? Literally, the old man figured it out with an old map he had…and pointed to the island everyone had been to that looked EXACTLY LIKE A SKULL. GEE. I WONDER WHERE THE PIRATE TREASURE IS?! You mean to tell me that nobody even TRIED to look in there?! Nobody actually BOTHERED to go searching in the dumbass catacombs, and tried BLOWING THE DOORS OPEN?! Or, I dunno, SOLVING THE OBVIOUS AS HELL PUZZLE FOR THE DOOR?! Nothing in this movie added up, and the movie doesn’t seem to CARE that it didn’t add up. Nothing affects anything in the grand scheme. Character moments are non-existent, save for one freak-out moment by Mouri that was brief, and I wanted expanded on, but I never get because why should good things happen to good people? The opening was just…weird, too. Like it had a brief Lupin III thing that was just…there for the sake of being there. Which is another thing, different characters, or things are just brought up and dropped for no real reason, adding to that idea that everything. Felt. Pointless. Why bother telling this story, if there’s nothing for the characters to gain from it, or anything interesting to keep the audience entertained? Only good thing is that this had the best title sequence out of all of the movies, in my opinion. It’s still a chore, especially this many movies in, but with the way it flowed as the characters were interacting in the car, I couldn’t help but think that it felt natural. For once the characters aren’t COMPLETE morons, so I’ll also give ‘em that…well at least for the most part. The killer, who you know who it is the instant he hits the screen with how “not obvious” he is, is a moron. Also, there was something he did that was so distinct that never came into play in the end, again adding to the whole dropping random things. But, backhanded compliments aside, that’s really it with the positives. With no twists, no mystery, no character, and no effort…the only thing going for it is that it didn’t completely piss me off. It just bored me. But, is that innately better, or worse? ((3/10))

FULL SCORE OF FEAR WAS REALLY GODDAMN DUMB. LIKE, Ok. Ok. Lemme breathe. Do not misunderstand me. There are some really, FUCKING REALLY good moments in this thing. Which, in no part, is DIRECTLY linked to the music choice used in this thing. In fact, I’d hazard to say that there is a scene around the middle/end that is probably one of the best scenes I have SEEN thus far in one of these movies, due to how well the music and the scene just WORKED (it’s the Amazing Grace flashback sequence, if you wanted to know.) When it does shit like that, and uses minimal dialogue with the compliment of some of that SWEET classical music, it does take on a life of its own, which makes it a standout among these movies that, to be honest, have started to blend together. BUT. THAT ALL BEING SAID, CHRIST ON CRUTCHES WAS THIS MOVIE DUMB. Like, it’s not dumb on the levels of where it’s so bad that it becomes enjoyable, but more of dumb in the sense of HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS BASIC FUCKING THING WORKS?! LIKE. OK. Ok. First of all. The shit with the phone and calling people WITH YOUR VOICE TO MIMIC THE DIAL-TONE. IS THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. You mean to tell me that you can use the human voice to mimic the dial tone, in the EXACT HERTZ NEEDED, ACROSS A LAKE, WHERE NATURAL SOUNDS SURROUND YOU, AND WHILE THE PHONE IS DANGLING AND SWAYING UPSIDE DOWN WHILE BEING HELD BY THE WIRE—FUCK YOURSELF. NO. NOT HOW THAT WORKS. SECONDLY. SOUNDPROOFING DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. I do not care how much soundproofing shit you shove up the ass of this concert hall, YOU CAN’T MUTE EXPLOSIONS. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE LITERALLY A DICK MEASURE AWAY. BASIC FUCKING LOGIC. And even with some sort of black magic bullshit…YOU MEAN TO TELL ME NOBODY SMELLED THE SMOKE!? NOBODY LEFT TO TAKE A PISS OUTSIDE AND NOTICED “HEY. LOOK. THERE’S A FUCKING WAR GOING ON OUTSIDE.” THIRDLY. DOES NO ONE HAVE PERIPHERAL HEARING?! THERE’S A GUNSHOT RIGHT BEFORE A PERFORMANCE, AND NOBODY APPARENTLY HEARS IT. OK. COOL. FOURTHLY. APPARENTLY, CUFFING A GUY WITH A BOMB DETONATOR ISN’T POLICE PROCEDURE! ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S A GUN HE MAGICALLY PULLS OUT OF HIS ASS FOR THE FINAL CONFRONTATION. GOD. Logical BOUNDS exist THROUGHOUT the second half of this movie. Fuck jumping the shark, we’ve jumped that shark’s entire family LINEAGE with this shit. And when your show is based off of “one truth prevailing” and how logic can always see its way through…yeah, no. Go fuck yourself. I will give the movie this, the first half of this movie ain’t half bad. It has some surprisingly solid comedy, and the beginning of an interesting delve into an actual FIGHT between Ran and Shinichi which peers into their relationship…BUT BECAUSE LIFE HATES ME, THE SECOND HALF JUST BUNGLES THAT LAST PART UP. Like, REALLY?! Your response is “oh look there’s a parallel between this guy who could never forgive his best friend for…being a pretty decent dude, honestly. Like think about it, that motherfucker basically gave you a music hall for being his best friend, and even though it was making you depressed, rather than saying ‘y’know, imma sell this property and go back to what makes me happy,’ Imma blow you all to hell…to Shinichi calling you an idiot.” Like, yes. I get it. Forgiveness is important. BUT NUMBER ONE, THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOESN’T DESERVE IT, SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING YOUR AUDIENCE THIS—granted, this isn’t the WORST thing Shinichi’s done, but the fact that it ends with Ran saying “you didn’t even have to apologize for me to forgive you” or something along those lines just made me fucking SICK. CHRIST. I HATE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH A BURNING PASSION BECAUSE IT COMPLETELY MAKES NO SENSE AND IS DAMN NEAR THE DEFINITION OF A LEECH….Fuck me. It does have some things that save it from being the downright worst I’ve seen outta here…but Christ was this dumb. ((4/10))

I remember watching The Raven Chaser years and years ago, and I just have very vivid memories about how it just pissed me off. So, coming back to it, I was dreading watching it. But, to my pleasant surprise…it wasn’t half bad. Honestly, it is one of the better Conan movies I’ve seen thus far. It had some solid action, solid tension, cool mystery, and the introduction to a REALLY cool Black Organization member who was, and as of this day from what I’ve seen, the most effective at his job, as he both infiltrates a band of cops during a serial killer investigation, and also is able to find out Conan’s actual identity…in the first 45ish minutes of the movie. The only issue with that is…he doesn’t do anything about it for a good…like hour. Whilst that could be seen as driving tension…it really isn’t. How? Well, ok. Lemme ‘splain to you you ‘bout a little thing in cinema called the “show-the-bomb” trick. There’s this old cinema belief that Hitchcock used that was deemed extremely effective when it came to tension. Basically, you show the audience a bomb underneath the table, pan up, and through that single shot, you just have them talking, without them noticing that a bomb is right underneath them. That immediately creates tension throughout the scene. And whilst that could possibly be what this movie was going for, with showing the audience that someone knows about Conan’s identity to create tension as they WAIT for something to come out of it in anticipation, it doesn’t exactly work in this scenario because, unlike the “show-the-bomb” trick, you know it’s going to go off in a certain set amount of time. And even though you’re shown that the hidden organization member MIGHT have told Gin, nothing comes of it. There’s no suggestion to the audience that his life, or the lives of his loved ones, are in any danger, save for the way a couple sentences are phrased early on. But that’s mainly because the focus shifts. I’m finding that to be another real issue with these movies. A lack of focus. They try to do two things at once, rather than trying to one and balancing it well. The only exception being Countdown and Phantom. Countdown didn’t try to put too much on its plate, as it focused on Ai’s character development, and how it played on her fears of being alone, which was partially mirrored by the killer of that film being someone who had the only real stability in his life be taken away from him. As for Phantom, it actually DID manage to balance two separate mysteries, but it was able to do so through proper pacing and tension while also showing a character go through a kind of arc. The Raven Chaser tries to pile on two separate mysteries, without actually going in depth with anyone’s character. Again, the movie is good. The mystery was fun, and the organization preceded to be kickass in this version…But it’s JUST good. Nothing spectacular. It could have been so much more if they’d just dropped the mystery for once, and actually had something that went into Conan’s goddamn character. You give me that movie, and I’ll finally be happy…but something tells me that I won’t, will I? ((6.5/10))

The Lost Ship in the Sky… Riiiiiight. This a weird one, to be sure. I mean…where do I even begin? Do with I start with how it’s first 15 minutes were the worst I’ve seen come out of one of these movies thus far? Do I start with how damn near wasted a fantastic concept of Ran thinking that Shinichi was Kaito Kid was? Do I start with how this film had the most badass villains I’ve seen come out of these movies thus far with their little homage to Die Hard? Or do I start with the astonishing fact that this is the first time I’ve ever actually LIKED Kaito Kid’s character, when he was placed next to Conan for that little bit they had? Let’s start with that one, because I REALLY liked that part. For what little time these two shared in screentime, they SOLD. Their dynamic was lightning fast, and was damn near flawless when compared to how boring it usually is. Call me nuts, but I prefer Kaito Kid like that. Vulnerable, and slightly airheaded, while still remaining to be at the top of his game through sheer luck. Accompany that with Conan’s hard-nosed personality, and you’ve got a fantastic combo. And do not get me STARTED with how great and intimidating these villains were. They got down to business, played no shit, and were just fun to watch muck around with the characters. And that, my friends, is probably where the compliments stop. Because while those things are fantastic, and I will not stop singing those praises…yeah, it still screws up at some points. Mainly with something that I really wanted to see delved into that was completely sidetracked: Ran thinking that Shinichi is Kid. THAT is an idea that I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and I’ve always thought it could give some new perspective on their relationship. How WOULD Ran react if she’s shown that Shinichi is actually just a thief all this time that he’s spent lying to her, and claiming he was on important business? Well, unfortunately, that’s never delved into. We get a hint, but it reverts to, at the end “Shinichi, you need to turn yourself in!” which feels…completely weird in terms of her character? Like, I get that she has a rigid moral code and all, but the movie itself never really explores that idea of what would make her tell the “love of her life” to…go to jail. Like…that feels like a waste to me, y’know? I mean granted, it does end with Ran kissing Kid, which was fun for me because I THRIVE ON SHINICHI’S PAIN, but it wasn’t really worth it. Also, the sound design in this one was particularly off. At some points, the music cues are just…bad. That music does not fit with that. Stop, for the love of god, please stop. All in all, definitely one of the more entertaining Detective Conan films. I did find myself getting giddy at points…only to get disappointed because what I was getting giddy over never came, but at least there was SOMETHING. It’s no Crossroads, but it certainly ain’t no Countdown either. ((6/10))

Quarter of Silence is surprisingly relatively solid, looking back on it. It was a smaller piece about a tiny town, and this intricate lie that these folks within in it have built, and how it’s all crumbling around them the instant that a little boy miraculously awakens from an eight year coma. That in and of itself is a killer set-up, and it lends itself to echoes of thrillers and crime movies that BEG to be told…but this is Detective Conan we’re talking about, so that doesn’t happen. As I said this was a RELATIVELY solid movie. It still falls into the pitfalls of what makes Detective Conan movies what they are. They focus on the wrong items, and choose to play into these tropes that they themselves are beating beyond death itself, rather than expanding upon these ideas, and exploring what they’d mean for our main characters. They mention this in passing, but the kid who awakens from a coma is now eight years older than he used to be, and now he’s in this state of shock where he doesn’t recognize anyone anymore, and doesn’t fully know how to handle this sudden time jump. That’s a VERY OBVIOUS parallel to Conan and Ai’s situation. So what do they do?! They save it for a small freak-out scene, where the character TELLS US his situation, rather than SHOWING us, and Ai makes the VERY BLUNT COMMENT about the parallel. That’s it. Never expanded upon. Because FUCK YOU for wanting depth. The film chooses, again, to focus on things that we’ve already seen done to death. The kids, Kogoro wanting a girlfriend, Ran not liking that, the quiz shit with Agasa, banter between Ai and Conan that doesn’t accomplish anything, Sonoko pestering Ran about her obsession with Shinichi, Ran PINING for Shinichi, and blah, blah, blah. With such a lack of variety, it leaves you staring at the screen and BEGGING for something to fucking HAPPEN. Luckily, the movie provides some solace. Some shots are downright gorgeous, and the action scenes ain’t too shabby. Hell, the cold open, pun not intended, was REALLY great this time around…until it cut to an action scene. The mystery, again, is pretty fun. Giving off an almost Fargo-esque vibe to the homegrown murderers that are either trying to cover it up to maintain normality, or fueled by greed. When it does that, it’s fun. Which is to say…when it doesn’t focus on Conan and his group, the movie is actually pretty competent, while still lacking. I feel like that says a lot about how the movie likes to treat its main cast of characters… ((5/10))

The Eleventh Striker was just weak. There was nothing character wise. The editing was godawful. It focused on these soccer pricks, and they didn’t even amount anything in the grand scheme. And then there’s this celebrity soccer player that’s plopped in there just for kicks (pun not intended.) He’s just there! Playing soccer with Conan while a shitty pop song plays halfway through the movie. Because…fuck you. Characters that are brought in are dropped, and never resolved. The main characters themselves are really just…bad, this time round, save for the end. Ai is…ok, remember when I said I finally liked her character? Well this movie made me reconsider that fact, because she’s fucking…WEIRD. She does things to Conan…for…reasons? Unexplained reasons, specifically. Ran is…I’m not even gonna say she was there, that implies that a character with that name was there, which there wasn’t. There was a cardboard cutout that didn’t contribute in the slightest except for as a damsel in distress…AGAIN. Y’see, a reason I loved and still love Countdown, is the fact that Ran wasn’t a goddamn damsel in distress. She got shit DONE. She saved Conan’s ass. SEVERAL TIMES. Here…she does nothing, except for accidentally sit on a bomb. Wheeeeeee. Slight props I will give to this thing, there was no stupid joke made by Sonoko about “OH SHINICHI” to taunt Ran, which has been in every movie I’ve seen thus far…and it’s gotten old. REAL quick. Like I got tired of it 3 movies IN kinda old. So to see a movie NOT do that was…a relief to see. Kogoro was pretty solid in this movie, showing that there’s an actual human behind the drunkard, but, again, I’d like more. ESPECIALLY in this one. As the motive of the killer links himself to something that Kogoro did in the past, and yet it’s never gone into. It’s not explored on an emotional level. Whilst the motive behind this killer’s shtick is pretty solid, and had a couple REALLY nice things goin’ on at the end with visuals, with the guy kinda going insane with grief, the movie fails to really go into that in detail and, frankly, doesn’t match up with the shit he DOES. He wants Kogoro and the fans of a soccer team to suffer for accidentally letting a kid die…THEN WHY NOT ATTACK KOGORO SPECIFICALLY?! MAKE HIM SUFFER AS HE HAS SUFFERED BY, OH I DUNNO, GOING AFTER HIS DAUGHTER?! OR HIS FRIENDS?! You wanna go after the soccer fans—BUT HALF OF THEM WEREN’T EVEN THERE, YA DIPSHIT. FUCK, THAT’S DUMB. Conan points out it’s stupid and, yeah. It’s REALLY fucking stupid. Granted, one could argue he’s in an emotional state—BUT HE’S BEEN PLANNING THIS ELABORATE SHIT FOR MONTHS. YOU TELLIN’ ME HE DIDN’T ONCE STOP TO CONSIDER—hey. Maybe it’d be better if I went after this douche specifically, as some of these folks I’d be killing would have NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Again. It’s a really cool motive. Emotional, wraps around to his lost passions of soccer, and shows that his one tie to humanity has been severed. It’s a rad concept. I LOVE THAT CONCEPT. THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE ZEMO IN CIVIL WAR, BUT IT DOESN’T WORK HERE. BECAUSE THE PEOPLE HE’S TRYING TO KILL WILL NOT BE AFFECTED. AND YOU’RE LETTING KOGORO PLAY IN YOUR GAME, RATHER THAN ACTUALLY GETTING REVENGE BECAUSE…FUCK. I’ve changed my mind. I was going to give it a higher score, but no. No, no, no, no, no. This movie was STUPID that somehow gets worse the more you think about it. It had some cool shots, but at least Full Score had music to make up for its short comings. HOTDAMN was this one just a chore. And that after credits scene was a big middle finger, too. Go to hell. ((3.5/10))

Private Eye on the Distant Sea definitely reminds me a lot of Captured in Her Eyes as being this mixed bag, which is surprising, as I thought going into this that this was going to be the worst movie of the bunch, as it was listed as such by several websites. But I can safely tell you that it very much ISN’T. It’s also not the best either, and it has more bad than good unlike Captured in Her Eyes wich was more good than bad, but I’m gonna get to that. I do want to mention that, for the most part, this felt like a goddamn propaganda piece. Like, do you remember why I was impressed with how brutally honest Phantom was in its commentary about the Japanese education system? Well, FUCK THAT! Here we’re giving the navy the good ol’ military salute it DESERVES. I didn’t think it detracted from the film, as I mostly found myself chuckling about it, and thinking back to how some really, REALLY terrible movies from America do the exact same goddamn thing, but, much like those American films, when they do that, the showboating (pun not intended) delays the plot in more ways than one, and you leave your audience just waiting to go for a good chunk of the movie. And honestly, that’s the worst crime you can commit. Like, suck the dick of whatever military branch you want, they deserve it, and all the power to ya, but if you’re in a movie format, then goddammit, at least have it flow. The environment itself wasn’t really anything to write home about, either. When I think back to the film, I remember how boring and uninteresting that setting was, which was odd, considering how much it felt like it was supposed to be doing the opposite with its never-ending praise of the navy. As for the mystery…it was actually really good. The reveal of who killed the man with one arm is honestly very well motivated, and is really fun to try and pin down, especially when it isn’t completely telegraphed, and there was a legitimately well placed red herring throughout. To the point, where you honestly believed the case was over, only to have the tables turned on you. There are also a couple really good moments in this movie, and surprisingly well done comedy—especially towards the beginning. But, that being said, the movie does have its fair share of issues. And lord almighty, are they issues. First and foremost of them being that film, logically, has no real reason to take place. There’s a spy aboard this ship, and they know that this spy is aboard this ship, and yet, despite this being a military vehicle, and, again, A SPY THAT COULD REVEAL INTERNATIONAL SECRETS THAT ARE ON THIS SAME BOAT, they let on tourists because…well that’s not really explained either. There are several times where I was left scratching my head, and wondering why the hell the boat hasn’t turned around already. ESPECIALLY considering that the boat had an APPENDAGE OF A DEAD MAN ON BOARD. BUT NO! WE MUST MAINTAIN COVER BECAUSE…yeah. Logic for set-up is very RARE to find in this movie. Maybe the Japanese military is more lax than US military, but I don’t buy for a second that a boat with that much important shit on board, and with a spy also on board, would just make rounds around the sea for no reason. ALSO. WHY WOULD THEY JUST LET CIVILIANS IN THE ROOM WHERE THEY PLAN OUT THEIR SHIT?! ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S A WOMAN MISSING. GET THE CRYING CHILDREN OUT, SO YOU CAN FUCKING CONCENTRATE. CHRIST THAT BOTHERED THE EVER LOVING PISS OUTTA ME. There’s also the little issue of the final act being unnecessary. Granted, it does provide some really good emotional moments with Conan, which is REMARKABLE TO SEE, seeing as how for the longest time I’ve found it so difficult to see him actually show any genuine emotion towards Ran, that to see him actually break down into tears, if only for a second, was a NIIIICE change of pace. But that in itself contains a small issue, of the reason WHY Ran (who is the woman drowning in this scenario, btw) came from the brink of death. The power of love. And THAT is bullshit. This ain’t a goddamn fairy tale, this is Detective fucking Conan. If you’re going to have her life rescued, have it be with Conan using logic, or hell, SOMEBODY using logic. Granted, they HALF did, but that’s not what TRULY saved Ran’s ass in the end. That was one true love pulled out the ass of a unicorn bullshit. The good parts in the movie DO keep it from just completely crashing and burning, but I ain’t gonna lie, the bad parts do keep this thing anchored to the bottom of the sea. ((4/10))

The Dimensional Sniper. To quote from the movie itself…”OH CHRIST.” I can’t even properly DESCRIBE to you the amount of unintentional enjoyment I derived from this fuckin’ thing. Specifically because of the AMERICAN “ACTORS” THEY GOT IN THIS SHIT. MAN OH MAN. WERE THEY BAD. But in that so bad, it’s fucking GOLD sort of way. IT’S HILARIOUS. It’s has to be seen to be believed. Anywho, much like the other movies, main supporting characters are dropped. Like Mouri. And Megure. But, y’know, it at least keeps the characters who are SUSPECTS from disappearing unlike some other movies I’ve seen thus far. Plus, the amount of just STRAIGHT CHEESE that the series is INFAMOUS AND JUST FAMOUS for is on FULL DISPLAY HERE. It gives the middle finger to physics several times, and doesn’t give a damn what you have to say about that. And…lord, I’m sorry, but I can’t just stop talking about these voice actors. There was a dude who sounded like a watered down Soldier 76 who yelled “YUH-YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU” at the top of his lungs, and I had to pause the movie because I was laughing so hard. Add to that the fact that they’re trying to make this American Sniper-esque story, because I’m guessing the screenwriter or director watched that movie the night before and churned this out without knowing how the military in America WORKS, which is on full display when it comes to the scheme that set the killer into motion…coming from a kid from a military town, it’s either the most insulting thing I’ve ever seen, or the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m gonna say the latter. Especially when the actual killer is this…I don’t even know what to call him. The amount of homoerotic undertones are so paramount they become OVERTONES. It’s obviously unintentional, but it’s there. And it’s HILARIOUS. ESPECIALLY with that fucking “acting” going on. When I jokingly say “anime is a sin,” this is definitely what I’m thinking about. But you can’t help but just enjoy the “sin” and all of its glory. It’s like a movie interpretation of “Devil’s Food Cake.” It’s completely unhealthy, but hotdamn is it a good time. The film also helped by the fact that the action in this piece ain’t half bad. It’s pretty solid, for the most part, surprisingly. Though the characters are, surprise surprise, severely lacking. The ending is the stupidest and funniest thing I’ve seen in a while, especially when Ran does her equivalent of a Gurren Lagan speech. There were also two characters that were apparently regulars who I wasn’t familiar with, Sera and Okiya. No clue as to who they’re supposed to be since I haven’t been keeping up with the show as it is...y’know 800+ episodes. But from what I’ve seen in here…meh, they’re Ok. I mean…Sera is basically a female Heiji, but with a more tolerable attitude. And Okiya was…a character? I think? I dunno. Point is, this movie was unintentionally funny as hell. Definitely among the so bad it’s good territory. As such, this is going to get the low, low, LOW ranking it deserves, but just know that this is one that I’d actually recommend…though not for any reason the filmmakers were hoping for, I assure you. ((3/10))

Sunflowers of Inferno was just plain generic. It does all the rounds you expect it to, what with this being a Kaito Kid vs movie–which is a thing, if you haven’t noticed. And, similar to that of what I’m noticing of these later movies, it’s just sort of there. It lacks any sort of point except for “HEY! WE MADE AN EPISODE LONG ENOUGH TO BE A MOVIE!” But, anyway, as something that is just dumb fun…it’s Ok. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s certainly lacking. Take the character development. You have these “seven samurai” (which is a fun little reference and cool ass name to-boot,) who are these curators who are keeping these van Gogh paintings safe. And then, when fit hits the shan, it’s revealed that there is a traitor amongst them. Later on in the movie, one of the characters is revealed to have a dark past, and having apparently shot his brother over these paintings, which we see in one of the coolest scenes in this movie. But, at the end of the day, it doesn’t even matter. He has NOTHING to do with the point at hand. The ACTUAL “Judas” in the group is some underdeveloped bitch that makes the killers from every other movie look like a GENIUS. The killer is surprisingly underwhelming, and the twist of who it is comes out of nowhere…mainly because it feels completely tacked on. The development of these “seven samurai” is lop-sided, and not well handled in the slightest, save for Charlie and the “other traitor,” who technically isn’t a traitor, but even then it wasn’t that well telegraphed as to how ANYONE could figure it out. I’m not saying tell your audience “THIS IS THE GUY,” but at least make some REFERENCE to it so that way it can blow your audience’s mind when they see it. (Not saying the second dude who is doing it’s well hidden, he’s not. But who he actually turns out to be is…this sounds really confusing, probably, and I’m going to stop while I’m ahead.) But I will say, I dug the shit out of Charlie during this movie, mainly because he was tired of Conan’s shit. Then there’s the treatment of Conan’s “harem.” *shudder* Ran continues to be that character who, while she can kick your ass, only does it at the orders of some guy she’s in love with. Bit of a stretch from the badass I remember from the show, and Countdown. As for Ai…ok, after Countdown, I finally fell in love with her character. She finally grew on me. BUT, she’s also seemed to have turned into this woman PINING for Conan’s affection, despite knowing she’ll never have it. And…honestly, the show isn’t giving me much room to not think that Conan and Ai are right for eachother, when Conan shares more secrets and is more personal with Ai than Ran, who he CONTINUES TO LIE TO…got a bit off topic there, sorry. But anyways, Ai is reduced to also pining for Shinichi, despite actually having a more in-depth character than that. She uses her brains to think through a situation, and has often had to pull Shinichi out of the fire…so to have her sit on the sidelines this entire time and not contribute to the plot feels…pointless. Anyways, yeah. There are a couple cool scenes in the movie, despite my complaints, and there were some characters and moments I did enjoy. Lookin at YOU, Charlie. You magnificent bastard. But otherwise, meeeeeehhhhh. ((4/10))

The Darkest Nightmare was less of a dark nightmare as much as an alright daydream. There were cool action scenes, fun interludes, and probably one of the best endings to one of these movies that I’ve EVER seen with them killing off a character in a badass way after SOME ACTUAL FORM OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I’m tellin’ ya, it is a thing of beauty for these movies. FINALLY we see that the hero can’t have his cake, and eat it to…only, it’s not the main character. It’s a side character they JUST introduce to add some intrigue. Ran is given the wayside for a really just pointless reason, and Mouri is just plain WASTED as he’s relegated to a background piece, and nothing really matters in the long run. The Organization are actually kind of FUN in this, as they aren’t completely and utterly incompetent, AND ACTUALLY APPEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME IN, WHAT…7 MOVIES?! But, again, it’s still underwhelming as it falls into the pit of actually having no REAL stakes in the matter. There’s no tension throughout this entire thing, until the very end with the ferris wheel. Granted, that scene is pretty fun, but because you have no real emotional connection to what’s going on, it doesn’t actually matter. Even the character who has amnesia suffers, as while she was the one who actually got character development, you don’t really care. Her development is, honestly, kinda sloppy as it reminds me of a lesser Captured in Her Eyes attempt, only now it’s the old “oh, I have kid friends now. So maybe…I shouldn’t be killing people!” cliché. Again, the end is pretty fun, even though there is one REALLY STUPID THING IN IT INVOLVING A HUGE SOCCER BALL, but you have to get through the rest to get it. OH, and before I forget, all of this will no doubt impact the characters…not. ((5.5/10))

–

AND THAT’S GAME, LADIES AND GERMS.

All twenty FUCKING Detective Conan movies. Not including the ovas, the 21st film (which I heard may already be out?? But as the time I’m writing this, I couldn’t find it,) and the Lupin III crossover.

I sat through all of these fuckin’ things, and let me tell you…I think I see the main issue with this show. I know I kind of touched on it in my previous rant, but it didn’t feel right, y’know? Like I was missing those exact words in which to properly pin down what exactly about the show felt wrong. Through these flicks, though each had its own set of problems, they all had the same large pressing issue that towered above them.

They leave you wanting to have seen more.

They come close, but save for two times, they swing and miss. Over and over. These movies don’t actually feel like movies for the most part. They feel like longer episodes with no real weight or baggage. A criticism of the show, and I agree with it, is that it’s basically INFINITE filler. The show doesn’t give a shit about its characters. All it cares about is the mysteries. In fact, you could argue that it’s very similar to the way in which a police procedural functions, with the focus not being relegated to the cops on the case, but the case itself. Only this show thinks that on subconscious level that you honestly do not give a shit about the cops investigating the case, as much as the case itself, so it doesn’t focus on it. The characters become lesser, and more of pawns in which to move the plot forward. This then leads to the question of, if your creator doesn’t give a damn about the characters, then why should your audience? Why should we care about wanting to see Ran and Shinichi back together? Why should we give a shit if Shinichi’s identity ever came out, especially if we haven’t seen those consequences to think Kudo’s worst fears might ever happen? Why should we think of the black organization as a threat if you’re not going to even address them for seven years in the show and the movies? Why do we care about Sonoko? Why do we care about Heiji? Why do we care about the kids? Megure? Sato? Takagi? Ran? Over the course of all these movies, there have only been two that I’ve actually cared about: Ai and Mouri. And that’s because both actually got some inkling of development, and they actually show at least a fraction of complexity to their respective characters. What’s more, I mainly got those moments from the earlier movies, when it felt like they had idea about where they wanted to go. But the more the franchise pressed on, the more the characters became caricatures of themselves…though I suppose that’s going to happen when you beat a dead horse for roughly 20+ years.

Final thoughts. This show continues to perplex me, and I think it always will. It’ll never do what I want it to do, but I just can’t help but hope. I want to see these characters finally change. I want consequences for actions. I want tension. I want intrigue. I want BASICALLY ANYTHING that suggests narrative competency. Twenty movies in, and I have two truly good movies to show for it. And it doesn’t look like it will be getting better any time soon…god damn this show…

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 8 years ago

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Rant/Review: Powerpuff Girls D -or- Worse Than The Reboot

(Yes. This gif describes it perfectly. Plus, I didn’t want to disgrace the powerpuff girls’ very image with this shit. So there.)

Ok, I’m not going to lie. My initial plan for this rant was to do a full on review and rant about my gripes and bitterness towards an animated show everyone likes for some reason (which you’ll probably see in the near future,) but something happened.

And, uh…Ok. Before I start. You ever find something so dumb, stupid and hilarious that once you see it you find you’ve gotta tell EVERYBODY about it? Like it’s so incomprehensible to your mind about what you just saw that you’re left stunned and without words? But not in the good way? In the “What in the actual fuck” way?

WELL! GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!

I was doing my usual shit on the internet, minding my own business, when I just so happened upon an old webcomic I had read back when I was a younger kid. A little comic called “Powerpuff Girls Doujinshi” by a dude named Bleedman (who the Encyclopedia describes as a man who “shows little talent for drawing, and has no imagination when it comes to storytelling.”) I’m not going to lie to you, I remember having fond memories of reading that as a kid. A kid who didn’t know any better and thought that Mulan II was just as good as the first one. A kid who was honestly a moron. And still is a moron to some capacity.

I snorted and thought, “Hey. I’ve got nothing better to do. Let’s blow a couple hours and read this shit and bring back some good ol’ nostalgia, huh?”

That decision has changed me. For the better or for the worse, I can’t say. But let me tell you, this shitty web comic is both the stupidest and yet oddest reads I’ve had since I read “Face the Strange.” And it left me almost wanting to recommend it in some demented capacity just to see other people’s reactions to this weird ass shit.

Let’s back up, though. What’s this webcomic about? Well, you remember that show Powerpuff Girls? Remember how much you loved it before the reboot shat on it with outdated jokes and corporate memes? Imagine those three (well, I say those three but more of shells of their characters, but I’ll get into that in a bit,) in a city where every single cartoon character you’ve ever seen seems to exist…and in some generic anime plot and setting.

Yeah. That’s what I did with my day. I’m a REAL adult.

But what else do I even say? Already you’ve made a decision in your mind about whether or not your morbid curiosity is going to give this thing the time of day. Recommended or not. Plus, it’s over ten chapters and ten YEARS OLD. The man who is doing the comic I think is still working on this sunvabitch like it’s his magnum opus. Going at this thing in a single sitting will take the entire website’s bandwidth.

And yet, I still kind of want to go into it. Because, again, I think this crap is funny. (Though there is some shit that happened in the background that is honestly disturbing, but I’ll get to that when I get to it) Criticism or not, I do technically recommend it as this terrible reverse masterpiece of just…just pure shit, but only in a certain shaudenfruede kind of way. In no ways am I saying this is good. At all. I want to emphasize that.

So I’m gonna break it down by just using the first arc to highlight the kind of issues prevalent throughout this piece of shit’s run. (Arc being basically a kind of completed narrative structure that spans several comics with a beginning, middle and an end—YOU KNOW WHAT AN ARC IS.)

First arc is what I’m gonna call “The Introduction Arc.”

Also spoilers, I guess. But, y’know, who actually cares? This thing is a decade old.

Right off the bat. The instant you pull up the comic. You immediately know we’re up shit’s creek without a paddle. The art style is BAD. Like that generic anime bullshit art kind of bad. In fact, I’d go so far as to say this shit looks TERRIBLE. And it’s worse in the actual comic (which I won’t show you, save for the image I’ve already got set up.

And, what’s even worse, is that it starts off EXACTLY LIKE EVERY HIGH SCHOOL ANIME IN EXISTENCE. “OH LOOK! IT’S THE NEW STUDENT! THEY’RE WACKY AND DON’T FIT IN! BUT, WHAT’S THIS?! THERE’S A STUDENT WHO IS JUST AS WACKY AND DIFFERENT AS THEY ARE”—I’m not a fan of this kind of storytelling. Can you tell?

The Powerpuff Girls are going to a new elementary school in Megaville (because fuck Townsville, it’s not like supervillains were tearing that place to shit on the daily, am I right?) And, like I stated before, they’re new and don’t fit in. (Insert *wah wah* noise here.) They go in front of the class and introduce themselves in front of their pink haired teacher (who, fun fact, NEVER SHOWS UP AGAIN AFTER THE FIRST COMIC,) and announce themselves as the superheroes known as The Powerpuff Girls. And the class starts laughing their asses off at them. (I WILL BE COMING BACK TO THIS SCENE IN A MOMENT.)

Everyone’s laughing, save for one person. Dexter. You know. From Dexter’s lab. Because, like I said, this is a big fan fiction comic. Later in the day during Recess, he says hello and demands to see their powers if they are superheroes because, as he says, he just so happens to “be a superhero” himself.

…NO HE’S NOT. HE’S AN ASSHOLE.

Then, when Buttercup starts getting up in his face, he says “Perhaps you’d like to see a sample of my capability and to prove which of us holds true.”

And…no, I don’t really know what language he’s speaking either. Yeah, he wants to fight these guys, and that’s obvious, but what is that sentence even? To see a sample of my capability. So how capable you are of being a hero? How is throwing down going to prove you’re a hero? Is it to see their abilities (which was stated two panels earlier?) Ok. Sure. I get that part. But to see which of us holds true is what confuses me. What holds true? There’s nothing in question. Nothing needed to be proven true or false. You have said this in the most incomprehensible way imaginable. Now, I know what you’re thinking.

Why does this matter?

…Honestly, it doesn’t. I’m just making a needless mountain out of a small molehill, but still. That is a bad line of dialogue.

Ok. Back on track. Buttercup being buttercup wants to brawl with Dexter. And they do. In true, glorious and terribly drawn fashion. But how does Dexter fight a Powerpuff Girl wearing nothing but a backpack? Oh that’s easy. HE JUST PULLS A MUCH OUT OF HIS ASS.

SERIOUSLY. THE PAGE BEFORE, HE HAS HIS BACKPACK, WHICH ASSUMEDLY IS WHERE THE MECH IS IN, AND HE DOESN’T MOVE OR FLINCH WHEN BUTTERCUP COMES FLYING AT HIM, AND THEN SUDDENLY—BAM. MECH SUIT. BECAUSE FUCK YOU.

Anywho, the two start throwing down. Buttercup flying and fighting whilst Dexter in his “fuck you” mechsuit tries to land in a couple hits. And while I can complain about how the negative space and lack of backgrounds make it feel lazy and pointless to stretch the fight scene out to three or four pages, but I want to harp on something else.

Ok, so do you remember back when the kids earlier were laughing at the powerpuff girls for calling themselves superheroes? Well, guess how they reach to this shit?

The answer: THEY DON’T! THEY JUST SORT OF STAND AROUND AND WATCH AS THESE TWO (and later FOUR, when Bubbles and Blossom show up to help whoop Dexter’s ass) THROW DOWN. SO IF THEY’RE FINE WITH THIS SHIT HAPPENING AT THEIR SCHOOL, THEN WHY THE FUCK WERE THEY LAUGHING!? AND FOR THAT MATTER, HAVE THEY NOT HEARD OF THE CONSTANT SUPERHERO FIGHTING GOING ON IN TOWNSVILLE?! BUT EVEN IF THEY DIDN’T, THEY KNOW DEXTER. DEXTER WITH THE FUCK YOU MECHSUIT. THREE GIRLS WHO CALL THEMSELVES SUPERHEROES ISN’T THAT FARFETCHED WHEN COMPARED TO HIM AND HIS ANTICS. AND THEY KNOW OF HIS SCIENTIFIC ANTICS, BY THE WAY. THEY REFERENCE IT LATER. SO WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT SCENE ADDED EXCEPT FOR TO ADD TO THE STUPID ANIME TROPE THAT EXISTS GO FUCK YOURSELF JESUS CHRIST

…

…Ok. Ok, I’m back.

So Blossom and Bubbles join in the fight after Buttercup seems out-matched because they’re more powerful together with sisterhood and friendship or whatever bullshit over these white backgrounds that are lazy as shit. And then they release those little energy things at him, presumably to MURDER this motherfucker, when Dexter slams his hands down and does…something? I dunno. They never explain, but they just blow up a good chunk of the ground and knocks the girls on their asses. Dexter gets ready to fight some more when the gym teacher stops them.

Who is this gym teacher?

Samurai. Fucking. JACK.

But in the background, while he’s yelling at them for doing shit, evil forces are in the background “hidden” on a rooftop and state how the girls are “more powerful than I have ever dreamed them to be” and other cryptic bullshit. I say “hidden” because there’s this BIG FUCKING MECH BEHIND THIS DEMON LOOKING THING AND THIS LOLI MOTHERFUCKER. AND I’M SORRY, BUT NO. I DON’T CARE HOW FAR AWAY YOU THINK THAT SHIT IS, YOU’RE GOING TO SEE A MECH THAT’S THE SIZE OF A DAMN HOUSE FROM A MILE AWAY. ESPECIALLY IF THAT SHIT IS PINK. WHICH, Y’KNOW, IT IS.

The next thing is a “joke” issue where it’s this spin off about “oh, Buttercup watches too much anime,” even though it isn’t funny. At all. Like…there is no real punchline. Just a bunch of “lol so random” unfunny shit.

But anyway, enough of that. Back with the main plot. Jack calls the group of four into the…dojo that the school has for some fucking reason, also, why the fuck is Samurai Jack teaching a gym class when he’s supposed to be fighting fuckin’ Aku and saving the future? Wh-what ever happened to that shit? Doesn’t matter—ok, I’ll go fuck myself then.

Anywho, Samurai Jack is not happy with the PROPERTY DESTRUCTION AND NEAR LOSS OF STUDENT LIFE OUT OF WHAT WAS BASICALLY A DICK MEASURING CONTEST, but has decided to LET IT GO. BECAUSE THE GIRLS ARE NEW. And Dexter’s punishment? HE’S GOTTA SHOW THE GIRLS AROUND THE SCHOOL. BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT. (Oh yeah, and Courage the Cowardly Dog is Jack’s dog now. Because his previous owner gave him to Jack to help him feel better, but the owners never came back so Jack, feeling NO RESPONSIBILITY TO FIND THIS DOG’S OWNER OR FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THME AT ALL, decides ‘eh, fuck it. I got a dog now. (And, to be fair, at least Courage is away from Eustace, that asshole.))

And then suddenly, BAM! THE ART STYLE CHANGES.

And when you get there, you’re going to ask the same question I asked which I will just go ahead and answer for you. No, you’re still reading the same comic, and yes, the same dude is doing the art for it. He just changed up his style. And, y’know, to be completely fair, it isn’t THAT bad. It’s not GOOD. But it’s not a pain to look at.

AAAAANYwho, blah, blah, blah, exposition, exposition, exposition. Dexter just lays out that Jack is basically a ninja (which is WRONG. SAMURAI ARE NOT NINJAS YOU FUCK.) And we see another problem that the writer has. An overusage of ellipsis.

And I know that sounds like a bullshit claim coming from ME, but here’s the thing.

My ellipsis? They’re only three dots. I keep ‘em like that.

This guy uses……….twenty……..dots to…..explain……….breaks in………………………………………….dialogue.

It’s something that, whenever I see it, call out for being really juvenile in terms of writing technique. Just use three dots, dude. You aren’t writing a rant on Tumblr. This is a comic. Fan or not.

Anywho, Bubbles is playing outside and alone with Courage, when suddenly this HUGE ASS MONSTEROUS LOOKIN’ THING SHOWS THE FUCK OUTTA NOWHERE. LIKE, OK. LOOK.

You set up a certain tone and art-style. Mainly just some cutesy bullshit. BUT YOU DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, IMMEDIATELY PUT THAT NEXT TO SOME BLOODY AND GORY THING WITH SHARP TEETH AND CLAWS WITHOUT GOOD REASON. Some comics can pull this off, like if it’s a parody or a joke. Courage the Cowardly Dog pulled this off because its tone was always so off the wall and creepy. But PPGD doesn’t have that luxury. It’s a generic high school anime. And what’s worse, is that it’s takin this shit SERIOUSLY. So it’s just JARRING as hell.

Especially when the next scene is immediately Courage doing charades with Dexter, Buttercup and Blossom to tell them that some huge freakin’ monster is outside in another *wah wah* tone.

Anywho, again, OUTSIDE OF THE FUCKIN’ SCHOOL, THERE’S ANOTHER BIG FIGHT. ONLY THIS TIME, IT’S WITH SOME BIG ASS DRAGON LOOKIN’ THING WHOSE DESIGN IS SO HARD TO PIN DOWN THAT IT JUST BECOMES A MIX OF FLESH AND METAL AT THIS POINT. ALSO. I’M PRETTY SURE THAT THIS THING HAS A BIG METAL SPIKE WHERE ITS DICK IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

Anywho, Blossom topples over Dexter in, again, MORE ANIME BULLSHIT WITH THE BLUSHING AND THE “o-oh. I-I-I-I-I-I’m so sorry” CRAP AS BUBBLES IS ABOUT TO GET EATEN ALIVE BY THIS SPIKE DICK DRAGON MOTHERFUCKER.

Buttercup runs up to whip this thing’s ass when the dragon blasts her and then PRECEDES TO CHOMP INTO HER. WITH BLOOD BEGINNING TO SPUTTER OUT OF HER BODY.

WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUTTERCUP IS FUCKING DEAD. (No she isn’t, obviously, but it’s just framed in such a way that you’d believe it.)

And then, right before Bubbles gets the same treatment, Dexter holds Blossom back as Jack leaps out of nowhere to slice that motherfuckin’ dragon to pieces. BECAUSE HE’S SAMURAI FUCKIN’ JACK BITCH.

AND HE SLICES THROUGH IT WITH HIS BLADE. AND BLOOD STARTS COMIN’ OUT OF THE STUMPS WHERE ITS HAND-MOUTH THINGS USED TO BE, and Buttercup wakes up in Jack’s arms and blushes. She’s now got a crush on him.

Because fuck you.

AND WITH THIS CHILD STILL IN HIS ARMS, AS THIS ARMLESS, SPIKE-DICKED DRAGON STARTS RUNNING TOWARDS HIM, JACK RAISES HIS BLADE AND PULLS THE ANIME SLICING BULLSHIT THAT YOU’VE SEEN IN EVERY ANIME AND MOVIE EVER. AND HE KILLS IT.

The day is saved…I guess? The kids look on from the windows, because the teachers I’m guessing DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT GETTING THESE JUDS TO SAFETY WHEN THERE’S A FUCKING DRAGON IN WHAT’S ESSENTIALLY THE SCHOOL’S PLAYGROUND.

Now. Who sent this dragon? Why was it made?

WHY IT WAS MOJO JOJO OF COURSE! WHO IS WATCHING FROM A DISTANCE. SPECIFICALLY A COUPLE FUCKING FEET, BUT THE OTHERS CAN’T SEEM TO FUCKING HEAR HIS MONOLOGUE DESPITE THIS OR ARE ABLE TO SEE THIS GREEN MONKEY WITH THE SWIRL HELMET WITH THEIR PERIPHERAL FUCKING VISION.

Another plan of his to destroy the powerpuff girls that, come to think of it, really did almost work it axing one of them, but was defeated through the power of anime bullshit. But before Mojo Jojo can escape without being seen, he’s stopped by that Loli from earlier. “Another powerpuff girl” (never explained as of ten chapters in) named Bell. And as she grabs Jojo by the throat, she tells him that her father wants a word with him as monsters surround her.

Monsters that, again, NOBODY SEEMS TO FUCKING NOTICE OR BRING UP DESPITE BEING IN A PUBLIC SETTING. LIKE. AT ALL.

And with that, that’s the end of the first two chapters and the conclusion of the first arc. And this is just the beginning, my dudes. It gets MUCH stupider.

Mandark is introduced. DeeDee is revealed to be DEAD. Like LEGIT FUCKING DEAD. AND DEXTER IS TRYING TO REBUILD HER WITH THIS BLOODY FUCKING ANDROID. AND THEN THE COMIC BECOMES THE DEXTER SHOW AS BLOSSOM IS KIDNAPPED AND DEXTER HAS TO NOW SAVE HIS WAIFU THAT HE TOTALLY DOESN’T THINK IS HIS GIRLFRIEND FROM MANDARK WHO HAS KIDNAPPED HER SO HE CAN KILL HER TO HAVE REVENGE FOR THE DEATH OF DEEDEE BECAUSE MANDARK LIKED DEEDEE, AND HE BLAMES DEXTER FOR HER DEATH, EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY IT’S HIS FAULT.

AND THEN INVADER ZIM AND GIR ARE INTRODUCED. AND GIR IS A GIRL NOW APPARENTLY? OH AND MEGAS XLR IS THERE. AND BILLY AND MANDY. AND A BUNCH OF OTHER CARTOON CHARACTERS THAT ARE JUST THERE BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT. X-J9 IS THERE FOR A LITTLE BIT. THE MEN IN BLACK ARE THERE. TEEN TITANS AND THE JUSTICE LEAGUE ARE REFERENCED (WHICH BRINGS UP A WHOLE NEW CAN OF WORMS LATER ON DOWN THE LINE.)

IT’S A MESS.

It’s a car wreck of different shit that’s trying to be this edgy high school anime with blood and death while also incorporating your favorite cartoon characters from EVERY channel imaginable in this cutesy anime art style, complete with terrible dialogue and action sequences.

And…it’s almost kind of funny? As you’ve seen, it’s frustrating to think about. But it’s that fun kind of frustrating, where you can’t just help but laugh at how STUPID everything is. And how DESPERATELY it wants you to take it seriously the instant it gets dark.

It gets relatively worse writing wise, as you’ve no doubt noticed with that whole shpiel about the Mandark arc. But the characters drift from being themselves to being this kind of former shell of their personalities until they’re completely unrecognizable. Dexter becomes this distant, tortured soul who has a thing for science. Blossom becomes the girl in distress as she’s tied to the hip with Dexter in wanting to understand him. Buttercup becomes a tsundere for Jack…because, again, fuck you. And Blossom is just…there.

Also GIR is there and gets annoying. REALLY. FUCKING. QUICK.

But aside from that…yeah, it’s fucking terrible. Nothing good in it. At all. No redeeming qualities to be found. I only recommend it if you’re interested in going down the rabbit hole and laughing all the way down as you do because it’s just so terrible that it becomes a ball to laugh at.

And that’s all I would have to say on the matter…except for one little, kind of EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THING. And that’s the writer and artist. And how he may or may not be a pedophile.

Now I didn’t know this going into it this time around, I only found out about it while reading up on who the fuck made this shit for this little thing.

Now the art-style itself doesn’t show anything REALLY pedophilic. (Nothing I haven’t seen done far worse in an actual anime that tries to save itself, anywho.) The most you get are a couple high-skirt shots that are more part of the action sequences. There’s a beach section that you are afraid might get REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE, but it doesn’t go that direction. They never get naked. There’s no sex. It’s all just a bunch of anime tropes. With Lolis. Only the Lolis are actually in elementary school. (At least, as of chapter 10. I haven’t read past that. Nor do I really want to.) My point is, it didn’t feel malicious. Stupid and terrible, but not malicious.

But I can’t say the same for the next thing I’m going to look at.

This may have been a fun, stupid and brain numbing romp through memory lane for me (with a couple disturbing realizations towards the end,) but it didn’t do anything that crossed the line into offensive and terrible shit. I don’t think anything I’ve talked about has gone that far. The closest of which being the Barbara thing in the Killing Joke adaptation. But even then...they never went this fucking far.

Within the pages of the infamous and dreaded “Grim Tales.”

To be continued…

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 8 years ago

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Rant: The Grand Irony of Tumblr

Maybe I’m just oblivious, but I think I have finally come to realize something.

Tumblr is toxic. It is. It truly truly is.

Which, considering that this site is filled with people who advocate for “inclusion,” is hilariously ironic to me.

Let me explain what I mean. This site, as I’m sure you’re well aware, is full of people of infinite genders and fandoms who can come together and show off their artistic talents, whatever they may be, make friends, make reviews, and express themselves in any way they see fit (for some of whom it’s because they believe they can’t express it at home for one reason or another.) Or at least…that’s what people like to think it is.

The truth is, this site probably the worst offender of exclusion, hate speech and a generally bullying attitude towards people they don’t agree with on the internet. With the exception of, y’know, 4chan.

And, oddly enough, the ones doing the bullying and hate spewing ain’t the “cis white scum” that this site has grown so overly fond of tossing down the shitter.

Take this for example. Recently (as in a couple days ago as of the time I am writing this), there was the whole debacle about a certain character’s death on the Walking Dead and how apparently it was a racist decision. One person, aliababwaa, disagreed and after hearing constant unfounded claims of “racist!” went into detail in a passionate post explaining how saying that the writers are racist for this is completely moronic. And, honestly, I couldn’t have written it better myself.

(Briefly, the main idea is: Yes there should be more representation. But this isn’t one of those issues of a lack of representation because the show wanted to create the same emotional impact when Negan showed up like how the comics did.)

As you’d expect, the people of Tumblr weren’t…the best to respond for the most part. Rather than actually giving a valid case as to why they believed it was racist and keeping a level head, they preceded to ATTACK Alia. Calling her a “cunt” among other terrible things and multiple false claims. It’s gotten to the point where Alia, for stating her opinion on this site that’s supposedly ALL ABOUT INCLUSION and that EVERYONE’S OPINION MATTERS, was insulted, harassed and figuratively spat upon for stating her opinion on people who were needlessly attacking a goddamn TV show. She has since stated that she is considering just dropping her account and leaving Tumblr forever BECAUSE of the constant harassment by harrassing assholes who believe they are the white knights to save the day on a subject that clearly haven’t thought through. And this is all despite the fact she still wants to geek out about shows and shit she likes same with people who are just as much excited about the show as everyone else!

She has been excluded. For no reason.

If you want to show her some love and support, I recently reblogged her post (oddly enough it is the only thing I’ve reblogged on this account) so you can find her account. And if you’re going to go on her account and just spread hate her way…think about what the fuck you just thought about doing for half a goddamn second. And, if it’s because you don’t think that someone of another race should speak about this matter, my buddy Malcolm (who is an Asian American and is in college same as me) ALSO believes that these claims are bullshit and agrees with her. He stated, and I quote, “They based walking dead off of a comic and Glenn died in it…it’s important to realize that they needed to make an impact [to emphasize how brutal Negan was], something that would hit home. And Glenn was one of the more familiar guys of the cast.” Oh yeah, and Steven Yeun, after reading Glenn’s death scene in the comic, wanted to bring that scene to life so bad that he went up the people in charge of the series and said “Don’t give that to anyone else.”

Let me put it in another way, all of these attacks that were supposedly “defending representation” were really debasing representation as they were making a mockery of the actual issue itself by creating non-issues instead of addressing ACTUAL issues concerning representation. And NOT ONLY THAT, but by doing it in such a vile way, YOU are coming off as the one who is ignorant. (Who says so? THE REST OF THE DAMN INTERNET WHO THINKS THIS SITE IS A GODDAMN JOKE SAYS SO.)

And the same goes for the rest of Tumblr on BASICALLY EVERYTHING ELSE. I’ve seen the same thing when it comes to politics, gender, and just fandoms in general. (The worst offenders come from the fandoms in my experience.)

Is this to say that defending something or addressing issues is bad?

Of course not.

Hell, some of these are real issues that should be addressed. Like the central idea of representation from earlier. That’s a legitamate concern. BUT. Some of you, on every goddamn issue, get so passionate about it that you don’t actually end up thinking straight.

You don’t think with your head or logically, you speak from the amount of adrenaline that’s pumping in your veins because you got pissed about the subject matter. And while that clearly shows passion you have towards a certain subject, which is fine and dandy, sometimes you get tunnel vision.

You REFUSE to look any other way or acknowledge any other thought other than your own. They don’t agree? Well, FUCK EM. Probably cis white male trash anyway. Probably aren’t even a REAL fan. Probably fuckin racist even though they said nothing racially demeaning or degrading in the first place.

That thought process breeds IGNORANCE. You know ignorance, don’t ya? The shit you’ve been TRYING TO FIGHT AGAINST?!

It’s like the phrase goes. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

You wish to avoid persecution by people who want you to conform in some capacity…so you decide to persecute someone else for not conforming to the way you think.

And it is THAT which is the grand irony of Tumblr.

Now, not all Tumblr is guilty of this. Hell, not even all of Tumblr is ASSOCIATED WITH this. There are a lucky few who use this site as a way to show off their art, cosplay, writing, etc. And they stay as far away from this side of Tumblr as they can’t stand how toxic it is. And there are a few who do address issues and keep a level head about it (though it’s not from this website, but from reddit, the first thing that comes to mind when it comes to level headedly addressing issues is that initial “Iron Fist Should Be Asian” post on that thread.)

And despite all I say, I think that the good can outweigh the bad! Hence why I haven’t tossed in the towel and given up on Tumblr completely. Great art can be shown, fun theories heard and important issues addressed in different manners.

In summation, on the worst side of Tumblr, people take actual issues they’re passionate about, possibly link them to non-issues and if someone calls them out on it or questions the logic behind it, the hounds of hell descend on this one person despite the fact that they’ve done ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY NOTHING WRONG.

The only way you can change this terrible trend is to treat the other side with RESPECT. The same thing that YOU want, remember? And like the saying goes, “if you want respect, you’ve gotta give respect.”

If you disagree with something, don’t go on an emotional tirade and constantly throw unbased accusations at the person. While no one is saying you have to hold back or restrain yourself if your passionate about a certain subject, hell look at who is talkin, but the point is that you have to RESPECTFULLY disagree. After all it is YOU who is going in to their posts and tearing ‘em down. Maybe through that you can CHANGE THEIR MINDS if your argument is sound enough. And if it ISN’T, then you agree to disagree. LIKE ACTUAL GODDAMN ADULTS. If you’re listing out your opinions on a singular post that’s not connected to anyone, then fine. Be as livid as you want. But if someone points out something like a flaw in a respectful manner, DON’T BE AN ASS!

It’s if and only if they start insulting you for having an opinion, that you have the right to fight back (though I advise against it as it’ll just turn into hurling insults left and right.) Because before this moment…you were the one who decided to make this a fight, and rather than having it be an intellectual debate with points that could hold up, you made it personal by calling them names like a child.

But if you refuse, thinking I am some asshole who should not have the right to speak, then congratulations. You have become the very thing you hate.

The bully. The asshole. The ignorant.

You have actually become what you consider to be “cis white scum.” Good job

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 8 years ago

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I was going to go in on a rant about this subject but…yeah, this person summed up what I was gonna say perfectly. Props aliababwaa.

Don’t you fucking dare.

Glenn was not killed because he is a poc. Him being a poc has ZERO to do with his death.

His death was set in stone before the show ever existed. Robert Kirkman killed him off in issue 100. He killed Abraham. He killed Carol. He killed Andrea. He killed Lori. He killed Shane. Et cetera et cetera.

Glenn Rhee was one of the best characters to come out of The Walking Dead, & a fan favorite. And I know that it is incredibly hard to cope with your favorite character dying in a show. Glenn, from the second I heard his voice say, “hey, dumbass!” in the first cliffhanger of episode 1, season 1, I exclaimed to my father - whom had started watching the show with me during my one week off during winter break as the very first thing I’d ever watched on my new subscription to Netflix - “whoever that guy on the radio was, he is my FAVORITE.” Glenn’s death has hit me so hard but I knew from the second I found out that he dies in the comic books, that Glenn would die in the show. Never had anything to do with his race, creed, etc. He is a fictional character in a show I love, and he is going to die.

From the very beginning, Glenn was going to die at the bat of Negan. End. Of. Fucking. Story.

To try to say that Daryl should have died because he didn’t follow Negan’s instructions, I have to laugh at how ludicrous that is because I have to wonder… have you paid attention? Seriously, have you paid any fucking attention? Because it seems to me that you don’t understand Negan at all.

Negan was never going to kill the person who actually lashed out or misbehaved. Negan is the most powerful person standing. And what do people with immense power want? More power. In his mind, to have power over people, you have to control them. And to do that, he has to find what makes them kneel, and use it with full force. But for Negan, it’s never about killing the person that disobeys him. It’s about punishing that person. It’s about making them fall to his feet and beg for their life. It’s about making that person a shell of a human being, a puppet that he can command.

Just like with Rick, using the instruction to chop off Carl’s arm or the entire group dies, is a perfect way to get these people to kneel to him, completely powerless. He knows that it will break Rick. It will make Rick cater to his every beck and call.

It’s about telling these people that he is in charge; he owns them, and if they do anything to screw up what he has going, then the people they love will die in the most brutal way possible.

With Daryl and Glenn, killing Glenn as a result of Daryl’s outburst is exactly what Negan needs; the most effective way to get that message across. Because now the group fully realizes that the stakes are even higher. If you do anything - breathe when Negan says don’t breathe or speak when not spoken to - you are not only putting your own life at risk but putting every single person you love’s life at risk. Glenn understood that if he disobeyed, Maggie could die. Any of them could. So he put himself in check to keep them safe.

But, Daryl panicked and went into a rage. As he typically does. Since the first episode he showed up, Daryl reacts with fire. Prime example is when he flips the fuck out when the group tells him they left Merle handcuffed to the top of a building. Daryl feels so he reacts. He’s grown form that, yes, and has gotten much better at gauging his emotions. But, Daryl hadn’t understood yet. He believed that if he lashed out, he could get a right-hook across Negan’s jaw and then he would die; go out with a bang. He did not understand that it wouldn’t accomplish Negan’s ultimate goal: control.

If you can produce or incite people’s most nightmarish fears, you have control over them. You can get them to do anything you want. You can get them to kill for you: mutilate, torture, etc.

So, Negan chose. He picked Glenn and killed him. He showed not only Daryl what his actions cost him, but what his actions cost the whole group. To Negan, he now owns them.

But don’t you fucking dare say that Glenn died because he is Asian. Because that is so fucking far from the truth, I cannot begin to express it. Glenn was always going to die. Whether because Daryl freaked out or because Glenn tried to protect Maggie, it is all the same. Glenn was going to die.

And it had absolutely nothing to do with his race.

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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 8 years ago

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All-New Ghostbusters Follow-up: The Ghosts

This is a follow-up for my idea for a Ghostbusters animated TV show with the new characters, seen here.

When I wrote that idea yesterday, my mind completely blanked as I forgot about telling you my idea for the ghosts that the group’d bust throughout the season. Because one of the best parts of the original Ghostbusters, aside from the characters themselves, were the unique and interesting ghosts and demons they were forced to bust (this is more in reference to the comics and different animated shows that the movies.)

So, I just want to highlight some of them real quick. From the big ones, to ones I made up.

First off, you’ve got the big bad of the season. Gozer the Gozerian. She…he…whatever (I’ve been reading the comics and, despite the fact that Gozer is played by a woman in the movie and is considered genderless, Gozer is referred to as ‘he,’ so…I dunno. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things in this, so I’m going to keep on with the ‘she’ pronoun as to not confuse everyone and their mother.) had been tossed into the spirit realm, as I stated in the explanation of the first season, by her sister Tiamet. The two have been bickering for millennia. Never getting along. Gozer wanting humanity extinguished to create something better, whilst Tiamet wants to just sit around and torture humanity—finding it amusing. Gozer threatened to destroy humanity one day, and Tiamet, in response, has her followers banish Gozer into the spirit world. And there Gozer has stayed, eventually becoming dormant, until Rowan’s bullshit from the movie wakes her up. Now she has a chance to get back, and she ain’t gonna miss it. She doesn’t know if Tiamet is on the otherside when she gets there, and she doesn’t care. She just wants humanity GONE. Just to spite her at this point. And in its place, make a civilization that’s more competent and intelligent.

Zuul and Vinz. Gozer’s loyal servants. Much like in the movie, their spirit form are as these demonic wolf things, but don’t be fooled. They are intelligent. They know what they need. They know when they have to do it by. And they will not fail. They are less monsters as much as straight up forces of nature. Everywhere they go, strictly by WILLING it, they can awaken dormant ghosts, whose hauntings and existence creates more spiritual energy so that way they can have enough that’s needed to perform the right ritual at the right moment to bring their master into the mortal realm.

Rowan. Yep. He’s back, by unpopular demand. After getting his ass whipped by the Ghostbusters, he landed in the spirit world disoriented and confused. Before he knew it, his gargantuan size was almost sucked out of him by this hellish being that called itself (herself?) Gozer. She took every bit of spiritual energy out of him, and simply absorbed it as if it were NOTHING. She interrogated him, demanded to know what the hell just happened. And with two hellhounds on his neck, he wasn’t exactly in a position to refuse. Once he finished dumping all that exposition on her, she put a literal leash on him. Calling him “pathetic,” and “the reason why I wish to burn your kind to the ground.” She believes him to represent the worst of humanity, and because of it, she wants to keep him as a keepsake. Throughout the season, she drags him around by the leash until he’s able to slip out and make it back to the mortal world, desperate to find the Ghostbusters and warn them of who was coming (all signs of egotism and his holier-than-thou attitude GONE after his ordeal and seeing that in the grand scheme, he was next to NOTHING in comparison to those like Gozer (though his contempt for the group remains unshaken.))

Ok, here’s where we go into some ghosts that aren’t as central to the plot, but are more of villains/beings that’ll end up being adversaries to the Ghostbusters throughout the season. These souls were all awakened by Zuul and Vinz.

The Brainiac. Formerly a brilliant science professor of the most prestigious university in New York in the 1930’s. He was an introvert and had probably two “friends” throughout his life, who were honestly more of acquaintances than anything. The only solace he found in his life was his work. Teaching these complicated concepts to upcoming scholars and churning out these amazing equations and theories left and right like it was nobody’s business. One day, though, he hit a rut. There was an equation that he was working on that he was convinced was going to change the world. It was his magnum opus. The only problem was, there was one part of the equation that he couldn’t quite get. He would stay up days, or even weeks trying to figure out what he was missing, but always ended up falling short. People grew to be concerned for his health, with his body slowly growing more frail and his hygiene growing more unkempt, but whenever they tried to convince him to take a break, he tossed them out of his office. This continued for a month until, while trying to work through the equation in one of the school’s auditoriums, he hit the ground. Dead by a heart attack. On the chalkboard in front of him was the equation. Still unfinished. His soul, now awakened by Gozer’s minions, has returned as is back at trying to work out the equation. But now, having the powers of a ghost, he has decided to get some help by absorbing the souls of different college kids and professors and absorbing their knowledge to add onto his own so he can finally work out the equation that’s been driving him insane all his after-life.

The Trick or Treater. Back in the 1920’s, there was a kid by the name of Charlie Lopez. He was a poor boy who had lived smack-dab in the middle of one of the worst times in America’s history: The Great Depression. He grew up in a Hooversville in the middle of a New York park, barely scraping by with his family and struggling to eat. Halloween during this time period was more of a joke. Nobody had any candy they could just give out willy-nilly. They were barely able to SURVIVE. (By the way, if this isn’t historically accurate, I don’t care. This is a show that’s about four women in jumpsuits busting ghosts. I’m going to stretch the truth a bit.) When Charlie was 10, he got an idea. On Halloween he would go to the rich part of town and trick or treat there so he could get candy to bring home to his family. So he took a dirty old bed-sheet someone threw out, tossed it over his head, and put a beaten up cap on his head to keep the sheet from falling off, and ran off to the rich neighborhoods to get some candy. Charlie was never seen again. Disappeared without a trace. His story soon caught fire and he very quickly became an urban legend. And soon that legend morphed into a demented old wives tale. It was said that the ghost of Charlie Lopez would roam the streets of New York on Halloween night, and beg for candy. And if you didn’t give him any, you’d never be seen from again. You would, like him, disappear without a trace. Whether or not Gozer’s minions awoke him and he mimicked the old tale, or that he’d been doing this despite this is unknown.

Wagner “The Horror Legend” Pryce. Wagner Pryce was the star and showrunner of an old serialized sci-fi/horror show back in the 50’s/60’s. It was very successful in its early years, Wagner would go on to get awards for his spectacular writing or the show and become a household name. Nicknamed “The Horror Legend.” However, as the years drew on, the show started to lose steam. Wagner became old news. And Hollywood would drop him and toss him to the curb. The system basically chewing him up and spitting him out. Luckily for Wagner, his best friend and best-selling author, Buster Prince, had a spare room in his lavish apartment in New York that he was willing to give up. Wagner accepted and took the room where he would shut himself in to hash out a story idea that had been bouncing around in his head for decades. It took him years, but with the seclusion and peace and quiet (y’know, for New York,) he got it done. Now, this is where the story gets kind of shaky. Prince was also working on a novel at the same time and finished it, again, roughly around the time that Wagner finished his. The two exchanged drafts and praised the other’s work. But then, Prince published his book titled “A Fallen Man.” And, after reviews started pouring in (stating it was his best work) and it becoming a smash hit, Wagner cried foul and claimed that Prince had published HIS book under HIS name! Prince denied it, saying that he was simply jealous of his success after his failure in Hollywood and his “mediocre story,” and the two changed from best friends to mortal enemies in an instant. The two went to court where, in the middle of the proceedings, Wagner died of old age. Eventually, after his death, Prince would win as there was no concrete evidence that it was Wagner’s. To this day it’s still debated whose work the novel was. Wagner was awoken by Gozer’s minions and becomes this vengeful spirit, aiming his hatred towards anyone who even remotely REMINDS him of Prince. His family, other vain authors, etc. All of which he does by harkening back to his TV days. He grabs hold of their consciousness and setting up a terrifyingly ironic scene in their mind that’s similar in effect to his old show. And while their brain is going through this black and white hell, their faces on the outside is that of complete horror.

The Morton Triplets. Back in the mid to late 1600’s, in the height of the big witch trials, in a small little village outside on the bank of the Hudson, three sisters (Dolly, Jane and Margaret Morton) were accused of witchcraft by noneother than their father. The three were innocent and were simply caught gossiping about their neighbor, which the father thought to be his daughters trying to summon the devil or some other bull. And though most accused of witchcraft were hung, these three got the special treatment. Underneath a blood red moon, they were burnt to the stake and then tossed into the Hudson. Their three corpses were later found a couple years later on the bank of New York City, where they were, supposedly, tossed in an unmarked grave. Gozer’s minions have awakened the triplets from their slumber and have returned as ACTUAL ghost witches. Conjuring magic and striking terror wherever they go, as a way to spit in their puritan father’s face for what he did to them. Basically saying: “You said we were monsters…WELL I GUESS WE ARE!” But you know…with more “-iths” and “thines.”

The Bronx Boogeyman. Boogeymen are…weird. Basically, they’ve existed for THOUSANDS of years. They’re more of embodiments of fear and belief brought to life through keeping old legends and stories about “the boogeyman” or something similar to that alive. Basically, if you tell your kid “don’t look in your closet, there’s a monster in it,” you’re feeding the legend. And soon enough, the more it’s told and the longer the legend lives, then the more likely that a vengeful spirit is influenced by that very belief and is transformed into that monster. It’s happened several times and the boogeymen take many forms. And if a boogeyman is powerful enough, they can summon small demons through their will alone. This specific boogeyman, The Bronx Boogeyman, is actually linked to one of the Ghostbusters. The ghost that Erin saw as a child? The ghost of her mean old neighbor that would stand at the foot of her bed? That soul would slowly transform into one of the more powerful boogeymen in existence. Her ghost wanders through the Bronx area at this point, finding it the best place to find victims, and abducts children to “teach them a lesson” or “to better their behavior.” Gozer’s minions didn’t really awake her as she’d always been there, but starting to blow up in power with all the fear in ghosts feeding her unintentionally.

The Wet Rat. In the 70’s, there was a gang member named Ulysses Lawrence who would, on the down-low, rat out information to the cops for a quick buck. He is able to play both sides well for a long time until someone sees him talking to the cops and reports it back to the leader of the gang. Ulysses is then cornered by the gang, where they tie him up and toss him into the Hudson—chained to some concrete blocks. Gozer’s minions awaken his spirit, and he comes out of the Hudson, still chained with concrete bricks dragging behind him, and still sopping wet, he returns to New York to, quite literally, drown out the gang that killed him. Water is constantly dripping off of him, and by his will, the water dripping from him can suddenly turn into a river that can fill up a room like THAT.

The Downtown Demon. Much like the Boogeymen, the demons are fueled on human emotion. But rather than boogeymen, which are fueled on belief, demons are fueled of just negative emotions. Pain, anger, sadness, etc. And while Boogeymen, if they’re powerful enough, can summon smaller demons, they are NOTHING to the actual big dogs, so to speak. Legit hard hitting demons are more powerful than any boogeyman and are much less subtle and more violent with their evil acts. The Downtown Demon is just a demon that hitched a ride with Gozer’s minions when they traveled from the spirit world to the mortal realm. (Kind of like how if there’s like a lizard on your car, if it’s stuck on there good enough, it’ll stay on the entire trip…or at least until you stop.) The Downtown Demon, after arriving in New York with the minions, found refuge in the sewer system where he was able to grow into this huge, terrifying behemoth.

The Topsy Turvy Big Top. Remember that really cool ghost that was super tall with the top hat? Well, this is the rest of his troop. Back in the 50’s, there was a small group of traveling circus members of the “Topsy Turvy Big Top.” They consisted of the Ringleader, a Bearded Lady, A Lion Tamer, A Magician with a Lazy Eye, a Tall Man, two Acrobats and a Two-Headed Lady (Yes, this is in reference to American Horror Story, you got me.) They weren’t the most successful traveling carnival, and since most of them were starting to die out a bit, nobody really cared about them. Their last known location was in a small place right outside of New York City, but then, suddenly, everyone disappeared. The carnival equipment and everything were still there, but the people and the animals? All gone. Nobody knows where and how except for one rumor. Apparently the Ringleader owed the mob a lot of money, and when they were at New York, they came to collect and he didn’t have anything, the mob just killed everyone, picked their pockets for the amount they were owed, and hurled their bodies into the ocean. There are many holes in this rumor, hence why it isn’t really believed, but it’s the only real legitimate one.

And there you have it. My ghosts...or at least some of the ghosts. Sorry I forgot to put this up yesterday, it just completely skipped my mind. But now you know, and here they are.

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