andnothinghurtmydear

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Oak Tree Heart

Curl among my roots darling,

So I might shield you from the wind.

Huddle beneath my branches dear,

So I might save you from the rain.

Stay close beside my trunk darling,

So the lightening will strike me.

Wrap your vines around my boughs dear,

And I will lift you above the thorns.

Plant yourself beside my oak tree heart,

And you can shelter in my shade.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Home

I walk through the shattered husk of my childhood home watching as sepia-toned visions from my childhood bleed into the vivid technicolor of reality.

Fragments of static and noise break through the thundering beat in my chest.

The smell, like playdough and gunpowder and mildew, lingers in my clothes.

Memories of warm summer days in the sun and cool nights under shady pine trees dance across my skin.

The taste of too sweet tea and homemade deer sausage mixes with the ashes in my mouth.

I cannot find the door.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Quick Study

There are many things to learn in life.

I learn to be patient.

I learn to anticipate what needs to be done next.

I learn to observe and predict and accommodate.

I learn to be quiet.

I learn to smooth feathers.

I learn that overwhelming cheer tames aggression.

I learn that sometimes it makes it worse.

I learn to smile anyways.

I learn that apologies are the first line of defense.

I learn and I learn and I learn.

I whimper low so I can’t hear it.

I smile and my eyes crease up squinty.

I laugh until tears roll down my face.

I rage and I rage and I rage.

I have always been a quick study.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

And darling, when they come

(And believe me, they’ll come)

They’ll take and they’ll take till they can’t.

And darling, when they take

(Oh they take and they take)

They’ll strip you of all that you’ll let them.

And darling, when they strip

(And they’ll never stop stripping)

They’ll ask you if they can have more.

And when you give more

(Because you always give more)

They’ll tell you it’s never enough.

And when it’s enough

(It’s never, ever enough)

Darling, what will be left of you?

[andnothinghurtmydear]

To all the Parents in School with Kids:

Not my usual content, but story time-

I met a women today in my college’s computer lab who had a pair of 18 month old twin girls balanced in her lap while she juggled playing videos on her phone for them and trying to submit a project for a class. As I sat down, I glanced over and she immediately said “I’m so sorry! I swear I’m almost done!” I told her no worries! I’m just printing a paper.

As we chatted, she kept apologizing to me and everyone and trying to keep her (adorable and well behaved) kiddos quiet. I wanted to offer to hold a baby, or both, but I didn’t want to be weird. I talked to her some more (she’s here for graphic design) and told her she’s an inspiration to all us other women when she tried to say sorry again. She apologized to the lab tech as she left, and said her babysitter would be back this week, sorry for the inconvenience.

To her, and any other parents who are stressed about bringing their kids to school/work:

YOU HAVE JUST AS MUCH A RIGHT TO BE HERE AS THE REST OF US!!

You deserve to occupy that space, and so do your kids (as long as it’s safe)!!

I’m so sorry that we as a society have made you think otherwise, but you are setting an amazing example to your kids with your hard work and dedication.

Everyone around you is staring in admiration, not condemnation.

To those of you who make people feel apologetic for their own/their kids’ existence:

Fuck you buddy!!

It’s 2020, and if we can’t support people trying to do better for themselves and their family then we don’t deserve the luxury of higher education.

Meet me at the Denny’s parking lot you judgy motherfucker and fight me, I’m broke and ugly so I’ve got nothing to lose but time. If my dumb-ass can go to college then anyone can!!

Thank you for coming to my TED-talk. In the words of Forrest Gump, “And that’s all I have to say about that.”

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Abyss

Darling,

When the ice in your bones has spread to your heart,

Let me be your fire.

When it’s too hard get up, let alone move,

Let me be your inertia.

When you’re so far in the abyss you’ve forgotten what light looks like,

Let me be your torch.

Let me show you the signs hidden in that darkness, all the graffiti from those who came before you.

Let me show you my graffiti there, for I have known the darkness too.

I have known what it’s like to freeze until you think you’ll never be warm again.

I have known what it is to be so still you think you’ll become rooted in place.

I have known darkness so deep, so profound, that you forget there was ever anything else.

I have known all this, and so I know there is a way out.

You can walk out, or crawl out, or be carried out from the deep.

If you walk, I will hold your hand.

If you crawl, I will crawl beside you.

If you can’t go any farther, I will carry you.

I will wade back into the abyss and become your guide.

Darling, my love for you has always been stronger than my fear of the darkness.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Enough

Darling,

I have seen you apologize to the table for bumping into it.

I have listened to you talk on the phone for hours to cheer up your friends.

I have watched you burn yourself at both ends to help family and strangers alike.

I have never seen you be anything but kind and compassionate to others,

So why can’t you be kind to yourself?

If you showed yourself ten times the compassion you showed everyone else,

it still would less than you deserved.

You deserve the world darling,

and I can only hope you see that someday.

Until then I’ll just have to remind you:

You are worth it.

You are beautiful.

You are enough.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Reaching You

Maybe if I bleed enough onto these pages my words will appear.

I write so that you can read it.

Maybe if I experience enough frequencies of pain I could resonate with other people.

I crafted myself into a tuning fork so our vibrations would meet.

Maybe then I’ll have some sort of validation for my existence.

I lived so I could meet you.

Maybe that will give meaning to all of the air I’ve wasted screaming into the void.

I screamed so my echos would reach you in the dark.

Maybe one day

you’ll feel me beside you,

hear me calling,

see my words.

I’ll keep reaching until you reach back.

As long as

my veins have blood,

my lungs have air,

my heart still beats,

I’ll be here.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Let me know you

Let me know you.

Let me line up my shoes with yours at the door.

Let me watch the way you linger in the rain.

Let me learn the way you scrunch your nose when you smell ginger.

Let me listen to your humming when we wash the dishes.

Let me imprint your every habit,

every preference,

every hatred

in my soul.

Burn deep the way you like your tea.

Sear me with how you hate camping.

Brand my skin with your favorite songs.

Let me know you so that I can never unlearn you,

and I will devote my life to the study of you.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Morning Rituals

Coffee- boiling.

Blood- roiling.

Lotion- on.

Warpaint- drawn.

Boots- laced.

Lines- traced.

Teeth- sharpened.

Eyes- darkened.

Lips- glossed.

Trust- lost.

World- ending.

Hate- sending.

Route- charted.

Day- started.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

For love of the ocean

Wrap me in your arms my dear,

Let me sink into your unknown depths.

Pull your watery veil over my eyes

And let your tide draw me out.

I want to watch the sunlight filter through you,

Lay with one hand clasped to yours

And the other to death.

I will forsake the lands of my birth

I will deny the sun its existence

I will renounce the air in my lungs

And grow gills or drown,

as long as it’s with you.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Home

He looked at her like she was the universe.

He gazed into her supernova eyes and the galaxies of her scars and the black hole of her heart.

He breathed in the stardust she exhaled and the icy vacuum of her attention and watched her slow expansion.

He saw the bang of her beginning and the start of everything.

He saw her inevitable end that would take everything with it.

He saw, he feared, and he faltered.

Instead, he took refuge with a planet.

He grabbed tight to gravity and let her atmosphere filter the stardust from his lungs.

He shook under her blue sky eyes and drowned himself in her oceans of gentleness.

He tied himself, mind and heart and soul, to her solid presence and forgot about what lay beyond her.

He cut off his wings , grew roots, and learned to breathe air.

And,

when the universe boiled and destroyed everything within it,

he died with the planet he’d decided to call home.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Listen

Do you hear that?

The pulse of the status quo quickening in fear?

The drumming of ancient fingers against overpriced desks?

The rapid, wheezing breaths of lungs clinging to the past?

Because They hear us.

They hear us our raised voices as we’re marching in the streets.

They hear the scratch of our pens as we rewrite our country.

They hear our rage, and our fear, and our determination for change.

They hear the echoes of a hundred years of voices, finally loud enough to reach their penthouses, drowning out the sound of their foreign cars.

They hear us, united as they never were.

One nation, under oppression no more, mad and unplacatable.

They hear the future, and the future is us.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Imperfect Darling

Darling, don’t you know that the even best swords must be tempered?

Don’t you know that roses are trimmed vigorously to ensure even more beautiful blooms?

Don’t you know that breaking bones makes them heal stronger?

Darling, don’t you know that you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen?

Each fracture in you reflects and refracts the shining light of your mind.

I look at you and I see a kaleidoscope of colors.

Where you see imperfections, I see character.

I look at you and can’t help but selfishly wish that I’ll be allowed to continue to gaze at the art that is your soul.

You might not see the good in you.

You might look and like in funhouse mirrors find yourself recognizable

All I ask, darling, is that you give me a chance to show you what I see.

If you are blind then I will guide you.

If you are deaf then I will paint you a picture.

If only you could look through my eyes you would know what fractured beauty looks like.

You may be in pieces darling but I have always loved puzzles.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Sorry

Regret must be your favorite taste; you always drink so deeply from its cup.

You’re sorry you weren’t there.

You’re sorry you didn’t know.

You’re sorry sorry sorry...

You’re right.

I crumbled around my own arms holding me tightly together.

I shook under my weighted blanket as I tried to tether myself to the earth.

I wedged myself by the dresser so I wasn’t tempted to get a razor.

I shoved a pillow over my face to muffle the sobs and slow the hyperventilation.

I broke and glued and froze and thawed and did it all alone.

I wrote twenty texts and sent none.

You were busy, you’d been stressed, you had been ranting to me earlier that day and I knew how you were feeling.

You were tired and I have always been self-sufficient; I shouldn’t need your help.

I was raised to smother myself for the sake of others, so what’s one more time?

I told you later, in passing, just joking.

I broke it. I bought it. I fixed it. I gave it to you.

You were sorry.

I was too.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

North Star

Through any place or weather,

through every twist and turn,

I’ll always know that when I look

the brightest you will burn.

Although the sun may blind me,

and fog may cloud my view,

regardless of the continent

you’ll always point me true.

Among nebulas and novas,

across the emptiness of space,

As long as you keep shining bright

I’ll always know my place.

I’ll never need a road map

because my choices are too few.

You’ll always be my North Star.

My compass points to you.

[andnothinghurtmydear]

Loving Her

They say to know her was to love her-

As a flower loves the sun.

As a fish loves the water.

As a mole loves the earth.

As anyone loves anything indifferent to their presence yet necessary to their life.

She was needed, ever present, inexorable.

She was light and breath and shelter.

She was all the little things that made up the world.

Things that never mattered except as part of a whole.

But to miss her- oh!

To miss her.

It was salt on slugs.

It was sleeping in the snow.

It was drought to a willow.

That burning, numbing, aching thirst for her presence .

Slowly suffocating in the dark waiting for her to return.

In her absence, monsters crept in and no night light was enough to stop them.

To love her was to miss yourself;

she was too all-encompassing to be captured by anything less than your full attention.

She was everything bigger than you,

Everything connecting you to all other things.

To miss her was to know yourself, your true self, as you actually are.

That wanting, greedy thing in you that lurks in the dark and the absence of everything.

Loving her was hard.

Loving yourself was harder.