amenijam-blog - Tumblr blog

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #24

April 19, 2021

12:36 AM

Hi. First of, I apologize for the long absence. If you read my previous blog entries, you can tell that my health is not the best. I have been getting sick a lot. So add that with the demands of school and work, you get a person who is constantly busy. But I am sorry that I have been absent here.

Honestly, add the stress for all of my responsibilities, I have also been feeling extremely unmotivated to do anything. Which yes, includes posting on my blog. I kept thinking, ahh... yeah... no one will really care, or notice, or miss me if I don’t post on the blog. So, yeah. As you can see. Almost a month of not posting. 

But here I am again. Posting. So... what has happened since. Well, I received my midterm grades. Out of 5 subject, I only passed two. Barely pass really. Two feasible to pull for finals. And one unsure. And I had my first academic intervention. My professor was asking what was wrong and I told her honestly that I am considering stopping. Which explained a lot why my grades were what they are. 

It is very common for law students to feel lost, doubtful, unmotivated and in a constant struggle whether to continue or now.

What else. Work. Well, I am still working. A lot. I actually had a deadline that I am racing with. 

Health, recovering from another illness. Fitness goals, still behind because of the constant illnesses that keeps stopping me from following through my schedule.

Oh, school again. I have been forced to be the head for the COMELEC. So I am on the clock to organize the elections for the new set of officers for the student council which is to be held during the end of the month. My latter part of April is just full of stress.

What else? Hmmm... that’s mostly it.

Anyway, hope you all are doing way better than me.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #23

March 26, 2021

4:57 PM

I have about 30 minutes before my classes begin and I’m just wondering how I’ll ever get any motivation to do anything. You would think someone who has 5-6 clients would have motivation and always be paranoid of meeting deadlines. And yet here I am, taking it easy and still open to accepting more clients despite the fact that I do have a full schedule. 

I mean, I am still a student who is taking one of the most stressful courses of all time, I’m always needed at home to do multiple chores, and I have 5-6 clients who have unique requirements with tight schedules I have to meet. 

Seriously, I just don’t feel like myself these days... maybe weeks... I lost count honestly. I just know that one minute I am in front of my parents acting like everything is okay then the next minute I am alone in my room trying to occupy my brain to avoid thinking and just breaking down.

I guess that about it for my updates for today... 

I sincerely hope you all are doing so much better than me right now. Have a great weekend.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #22

March 23, 2021

3:23 AM

I am starting to drown myself with work. Getting as many jobs as I can that I didn’t even noticed that I am juggling five different ones at the same time. I only noticed when I accidentally sent the document to one client that was meant for another. They’re starting to mix in my brain.

A friend told me I am over doing it. But I feel like if I don’t do this much, I will have to face my actual problems which will only lead to me breaking down. And i cannot afford to breakdown. To be honest, I rather not. 

I am tired to waiting for the night to lock myself in a room and let my thoughts consume me until I just lay or sit in the dark crying my heart out. When I breakdown, I can literally feel my heart aching and I just want to scream or punch stuff. But I can’t. I can’t afford to let my parents see that side of me. I just can’t let my these thoughts consume me.

I am just tired. I am exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally. If I could run away from all of these or hit a restart button, I would. But I can’t. So all I am left with is to drown myself with work to silence my own thoughts.

I seriously hope you are all doing way better than me. Keep safe in this trying times.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #21

March 21, 2021

11:23 AM

Sorry for not posting in a long while. Still feeling crappy about things. Ready to explode from all the issues I’m bottling up. But life goes on, right?

Life update? Well, like I said before, exams are done. Now I am burying myself with work. Though I have a hard time feeling motivated. I stress clean and stress eat. But then again, maybe I’m getting moody from my expected “time of the month.” Which makes it understandable why I am so many cravings. This month may be my weirdest cravings. Most of my cravings right now are veggies, pastas, and burgers? 

What else? Well, I am expecting a renovation in my room by the end of the month. That might cheer me up. My current set up is not very motivating. So yeah.

Oh, another thing. Our place (city) is place on a semi-lockdown from yesterday until the 5th of April. So, I am stuck in the house until then which is also adding to my mood swings. 

That’s it, I guess. Hope you all are doing better than me.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #20

March 16, 2021

9:31 PM

Sorry for not posting in a while. Exams ended today and I’ve been feeling like crap for a while now... 

I’m not ready to talk about it. But the gist of it is that one day, one second can turn your mood upside down. And that one second can break your heart then affect your entire me.

Unfortunately, for me... whenever I breakdown... all my motivation just fades away. I get numb and stop caring about things I should. Whether its work or school or my own health. So yeah... 

Hope you’re all doing much better than me.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #19

March 13, 2021

9:18 PM

Update with my life. Good news, I only have one more exam to go for this midterm. Yey! Bad news, well, not totally bad news but it is beginning to frustrate me. Which is work for this one client. I can’t seem to perfect the work so I keep needing edits. Their format for the work is a bit tricky and it is starting to annoy me. So now I had to ask them for an extension so I can rewrite it fully. I am glad they said yes but I really feel embarrass because I can’t meet their standards.

Other than that, tomorrow (Sunday) I will have a mini road trip with my family so hopefully that will relax me for a bit. 

And... that’s it? I guess. Nothing in my mind right now. So yeah. I hope you all are having a great day. 

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #18

March 10, 2021

11:07 PM

Today I had my first day for my midterm exam. One down, four more to go. I won’t bore you with the details of the exam. If you ask how I did, I’m not really sure. Do you get the feeling that at first you think you did great but then you think about it some more and start to realize that maybe you didn’t because your answers are basically the same? I dunno.

Anyway, that is not what I want to talk about in this blog. It’s not the first topic I wanted to talk about but then I realize I hadn’t talk about this before. 

So here’s the thing. My last blog was two days ago, right? When I uploaded that, I received a message here on tumblr. It’s from someone I don’t know. Here’s the thing, I welcome you guys to message me (if I actually do have readers. Hehe), I don’t mind chatting. If you want to talk about some things you are going through, I don’t mind. Chat me all you want. Even if just to “chat.” But this person (I won’t mention any names) was strange. The first time I receive a chat from the same person was like days ago and I didn’t respond immediately because I haven’t opened tumblr in a white. But once I did, I sent a reply. Then received a reply like a day or two later. And then last March 8, we were chatting. At first I thought this person just wanted to talk. Casual conversations. Since my first experience with someone chatting me here (someone I dont know in real life) was great. And very kind and encouraging me to keep writing, I gave this person a chance. But then the conversation got weird and just downright inappropriate. First was this person saying “i want to bug u” and I was like “huh?” Did I read that right? Why would a random person say that? Then the following chat was just, ugh. This person was like “wanna have fun?” And you get the rest.

Seriously, I don’t mind meeting new people here. Talking and all. But please, if you are just going to be like that, don’t bother sending me a chat. I will not entertain you. I will immediately report and block you if you do something like that. I have no time to engage in those kinds of conversation. It’s just not right. There are websites specially for that if that is what you are looking for. You have the free will to do what you want. Just do not drag me with you. 

Give a little respect. That’s all I’m asking.

Anyway, I have more work and studying to do. Hope you guys have a great day!

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #17

March 8, 2021

6:42 PM

Before I get busy again, just a little update on what’s been going on.

I am totally behind schedule (wow. What an opening. Hehe). Supposedly, last Saturday (March 6) I am done with my work but things got messed up because of the people around the house. So now, I just finish one work and I still have another one to rush. Which is due tomorrow. I can’t work on it tomorrow because I have somewhere else to be. My plan now is to work on it tonight. Hopefully be done with it by 3 or 4 AM tomorrow so I can at least shut my eyes for an hour two before getting up by 5:30 or 6 AM tomorrow.

On the academics side, my original plan was to have all my reviewers done by today but again, because my work is delayed that is also delayed. Suddenly glad that I have less load this semesters. Because if I was on full load, my exams have started today like my other friends (PS. Praying they are doing well and taking care of themselves in all aspects.). But yep, since underload, my exams will only start on wednesday and finish by tuesday next week. My updated plan is my last resort which is to cram (like always) the night before until the last minute. Which will start tomorrow evening once I get home. (pray for my health because I will be making coffee water again).

Health update, all the irritation and sensitivity is gone (you know where if you’ve been reading my other blogs). I have started working out again last week. But stopped during the weekends. This morning I wasn’t able to again but I did force myself to just like an hour ago. I started a new routine. Testing it out if it works for me. Let me tell you, I sweat a lot despite having aircon on. Was really out of breathe despite having complete sleep. And my head ache turned into dizziness. Been a while since that happened to me. So, work out work. Hopefully I can keep it up. Oh, but bad news, the new thing wrong with me is I’ve been having crazy migraine since this morning. Maybe its because of the double dose of coffee I had when I woke up without eating again. I know, that’s bad for me. But like I said, coffee to water for this exam week. 

What else... hmm... that’s it for today, I guess.

So, quick reminder for all of you, do not copy my lifestyle. Not a good life style. Working myself to death and drinking lots of coffee without proper meals is not good. Seriously.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #16

March 5, 2021

1:49 AM

“Possibility is not an actual fact, probability is not certainty and certainty requires proof”

Felt like sharing this.

To be honest that’s from my notes for the quiz I will have later when the sun is already up. Hehe.

But after reading it, I felt it is applicable to not just the subject I am reviewing but also to life. 

Possibility is not actual fact. Even if it is a possibility, it doesn’t make it real. For it to become a reality, action must be taken. 

Probability is not certainty. Even if something has even the slightest chance to become reality, we still can’t sure. But that’s how life is. Nothing is sure. But that shouldn’t stop us from moving forward.

Certainty requires proof. That is the problem with humans though. They always need things to be tangible. If they can’t see it, they won’t believe it. They will always be afraid to take risk. But risk is exactly what they need. Have faith. Jump in with both feet and try. If you don’t try, if you don’t have faith, if you are always looking for certainty, you will forever be at the same place. 

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #15

March 4, 2021

3:12 AM

I know I just posted earlier. But before my mind disappears from all my to-do lists, I just wanted you guys to have a glimpse of what’s it like to pull all-nighters with me. 

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but yeah. I don’t have a desk so I always have to wait for dinner to be over so I can make use of our dinning table. I need a lot of space when I study. So yep. 

A little peek to my life. Hope your day is better and less stressful than mine.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #14

March 3, 2021

11:46 PM

Hi there!

Sorry I haven’t posted anything for a while. I’ve been losing track of time lately. Like I said in my lost post, I really have a lot on my plate right now. I am already behind on my prep work for my exams next week. And tomorrow I have a quiz. That’s three straight days of having quizzes. Tomorrow until Saturday I mean. Just thinking about it makes me exhausted already.

Anyway, other than that, I still need to finish compiling the ideas for one project I have, I have another job that is due on Tuesday next week (the day before my day 1 of exams), and I still need to write 2 chapters for the other project I have. Plus, I kinda wanna work on this story. Though that last one is optional. 

So yep. Oh, health update. The irritation is gone but now something new and weird is going on. Can’t really explain it because even I’m confuse what it is. Still doing research on what “it is” and the causes. I’ll tell you more when I find out.

Another thing, finally got back to working out this morning. Hope I can keep it up. Trying a new set of exercises. It is a combination of my own sets and one from a youtuber I follow. Really hope I reach my goal.

Well, that’s it for now. I hope you are doing much better than me today.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Natsukashii is a Japanese word used when something evokes a fond memory from your past. It’s a word you exclaim as a smile creeps across your face. This is a story of a girl and boy, trying to figure out their way back to each other, with a chance of romance. and a couple of trials in between. Reading this will make your day better. #Natsukashii #webcomic #WEBTOON

Worth the read guys. <3 <3 <3

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #13

February 26, 2021

1:00 PM

Really busy these past few days.

Just an overview of my week so far?

Monday and Tuesday: Always heavy because of the class (intense teacher where you are always expecting a major recitation)

Wednesday: Long long quiz (100 points)

Thursday: Take Home quiz (very tricky because we had to draft multiple clauses for a contract), 2 stories (ghostwriting job)

Friday (today): Need to rewrite the 2 stories (client asked for a tweak), Same client wants 2 more stories

Saturday: The additional 2 stories deadline

Sunday: Outline for an otome game, Take home quiz

Along with all of this, I still have another job I need to write several back stories for each character, plot summary, creating a new character (full profile), and in a week I have exams so starting Sunday night, I will be fixing my reviewers and studying. So yep. So many things to do, so little time.

Really need to maximize my days and major time management to get these all done.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #12

February 23, 2021

4:34 PM

For today’s blog, I just want to talk about my conversation with my brother last night. It was around 1 AM and we just got back from a quick run to the convenience store. We started talking about reincarnation and I explained that my belief system about that was our souls tend to know about regrets we had in our past life which is why some people have trouble deciding what to do with their life because in their past lives, they never fully tapped their potential or they were never able to do what they wanted. So in the present life, these people have multiple interests which complicate things about their career paths. Or something like that.

I told him, it was kinda what I was experiencing. Since childhood, I was interested in a lot of things. When I was kid, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do “when I grow up.” At first I had a “unrealistic” dream. I wanted to become a spy or a scientist who mixes potions. But when I was asked to actually think about it and announce it in my graduation in preschool, I realized how many jobs out there that are so cool and I wanted to do them all. So I asked my mom “what job does everything?” and her answer set my course in life. She said “Lawyer.” Ever since then, it was engraved in my little mind that when I grow up, I should become a lawyer. Emphasis in the word “should.”

That’s where my life started to take a turn into doing what was practical rather than what truly interests me. My mom sort of planned my whole life from that point. She would constantly boost to her friends and relatives that her son will become a pilot and her daughter, a lawyer. And it only hit me what I actually felt passionate about when I was in my third year of high school. I realize how much I love to write and perform. I love to sing (though I’ve been I wasn’t any good at it), I love to write (though it seems like no one actually wants to read the stories I make), and I love to perform (dancing or acting but I was, or still, very self-conscious of my looks to have the guts to push through with them). But I couldn’t go against what my mom laid down for me. For college, she first thought I should take Forensics for my pre-law but then she saw how practical and “booming” Accountancy was. So I was enrolled for Accountancy. It didn’t work out. By the end of my first semester of second year, I lost motivation and wasn’t happy, my grades also spoke for itself. And I discovered there was this course being offered called “BS Music” that had everything I wanted to do. Unfortunately, the school was too far from home and I would need to repeat my first year. Mom wasn’t happy about it.

I was then forced to shift to Legal Management (at least that way, it was still related to Law). I graduated with that degree which didn’t really have a clear career path. It was really just for “pre-law” sake. After a few months, I enrolled to law school in the same town where I actually wanted to take “Bs Music.” It was a compromised. I wanted to be independent and to have no sort of distractions so my mom let me. But then pandemic hit. Law school is hard on its own then add the element of online classes, it took a serious toll on me. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. Last semester, it was a modular set up. We didn’t have discussions and it was always one requirement after another to submit. Purely self-study where we only had online classes for the sake of recitations and quizzes. I barely slept during that time. I was away from home so I had to still do daily chores such as groceries, laundry, dishes, and cooking. Since it was pandemic, I would buy groceries for 2 weeks so I wouldn’t need to go out as much. 2 weeks worth of groceries are heavy and I was alone shopping, it was heavy especially since my dorm room was at the 4th floor and there was no elevator (free exercise).

Long story short, when I talked to my brother about all my dilemmas in life, he said it was time I stopped thinking about what our mother wanted for me. It was time I think about what I want for myself. I couldn’t keep living the dream my mom wanted. The road she never took. Practicality was always what our mom said we should do. Writing, singing, performing? They were all hobbies we could always do on the side, she would say. But it wasn’t a career because it wasn’t stable and full of risks. 

So now.. I am seriously considering to stop law school. My brother gave me a deadline. By the end of this semester, I should be clear as to what I wanted to do and to do it. See it through regardless of what everyone would say. Regardless if our mom approved. 

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #11

February 20, 2021

10:43 PM

For years I have been having a dilemma? Maybe...

Basically, there’s this guy who I met through my best friend when I was in my senior year of high school. We instantly clicked and treated each other as siblings. Since were both anime fans, he became my “Nii-chan” and I was his “Nee-chan.” It was that kind of relationship. If I am being upfront, I did have a crush on him then turned into like at some point but it wasn’t for so long. And my attraction wasn’t that deep. My love grew into more of a love for a sibling. I had issues with my older brother so the love and attention this guy gave me as his younger sister was something I crave more rather than that for a “special someone.” 

But after high school, he had to go abroad for a year. During that year, we kinda grew apart. And I thought that when he got back, things would go back the way they used to... sadly, it didn’t. And we actually grew even more distant. It became worst when he entered college and got a girlfriend. His girlfriend had issues with me and my bestfriend. She was “jealous” of us. She didn’t like me because she saw that I “liked” him and she didn’t like my best friend because she knew that he used to love my best friend. So the girlfriend made him blocked both me and my best friend from all social media. He was also banned from hanging out with our gang if even either me and my best friend were present. So things got awkward and I was heartbroken with the whole situation.

I felt betrayed and abandoned. We were friends first before that girl came along. What was even more heartbreaking was the fact that even after he unblocked us and started hanging out with the gang, he still wouldn’t interact with me like we used to. He did apologize like around 2 years ago? And said he would try everything he could to get things back as it used to? But he doesn’t chat unless I chat. And even if we chat, it was obvious that he had any interest with actually talking with me. So I became bitter with him and stopped trying to talk to him. 

It has been a long while since we actually talked or hang out. I don’t even know if I consider him as my friend anymore. Nor do I know if he even sees me as a friend too. I don’t know if he even cares about me anymore. I never bothered to follow him in any social media but from time to time, I would check up on him through his posts (if any). And now, since he does live streams on twitch, I would sometimes watch.

Seriously, I don’t know whether or not to reach to him. I feel bitter, yes. But I can’t lie and say I don’t miss him. Or what we had. The words he uttered when I had my first meltdown in public still lingers in my ears... he said “I would love my sister so much” and he hugged me. My bitterness and heartache is not because I used to like him. But because I used to love him as my “Nii-chan.” 

I’m only ranting right now here because actually, at this very moment, I am watching his stream. 

Am I wrong for still being hurt and bitter? Should I be the one to exert effort to reach out? Some of my friends do think I am overreacting. But I don’t know... I can’t really control what I feel. And it’s not like I didn’t try to reconnect when he apologized.

Unresolved heartaches really sucks.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #10

February 19, 2021

8:44 PM

Another month is nearly to its end and I barely accomplish the goals I set out. Sadly.

The most annoying goal I set out that I have not accomplish is being consistent with my workouts. I feel less energy because I don’t move as much as I used to. A lot of issues arose which led to me not being constant. The biggest problem is my health. Like I said in my previous blogs, I’ve been getting sick a lot lately, so I keep opting to rest rather than force my body. The other problem is my space. 

Just to give an idea of the space I have at home: I don’t have my own room. I share a small one with my sibling. There is little room to move around because of all the things inside. There is no living room because the house was never renovated since I was a kid (the time we moved in) because of financial issues, resulting to the living room turning into storage for clothes that couldn’t fit in our rooms and the small workspace for my dad’s table. The dinning room and kitchen is in one space. So to make room for workout, I need the space between the supposed living room and the dinning room to be empty for me to lay down the yoga matt. The only time I am sure that it will be empty and no one to walk by is around 6:30 Am to about 8 or 9 am, depending on my dad’s errands. I have late nights because of school and work, so sometimes I oversleep until pass 9 or 10. So yep, keeping my schedule is a real trial.

These kinds of issues makes me miss living in my dorm where I control everything around me and no one around to tamper my routine. 

You really miss the small things in life.

- Niriko

[amenijam-blog]

Blog #09

February 18, 2021

3:43 AM

Today-- well, technically yesterday, I had a lousy recitation. I was caught off guard because I didn’t expect I would be called first and as far as I remembered, I already had my recitation. So yep. It was mega lousy. Now I need to do extra well on our quiz next meeting to make up for that grade. 

And because of that, I felt a bit crazy. Luckily, my brother also felt a bit crazy tonight. He spontaneously asked me if I felt like getting coffee with our friends at 1 AM. I quickly said sure. So that’s what we did. And we just got home a couple of minutes ago.

Health update. My stomach problems hasn’t completely vanish. Including my urge to urinate. Though it is not as often as before, but it’s still more times that I usually go. And there is a slight sting at the end of each of them. Which is very concerning. I am not sure if I should go have it checked because in these kinds of situations, I am very uncomfortable talking to my parents about them because they assume the worst in terms of causes. Plus, I have no more health card so it will cause a lot especially with treatments. And after my previous illnesses and Barney’s medical fees, I don’t want to ask them to shed out more money. 

In short, I’ll see how this progress a bit more. Hoping it will go away naturally and I’ll continue just drinking lots of water and taking vitamins and eating properly. 

Exams are also around the corner and many scheduled quizzes. So, yep. Need to exert more effort into my studies now. 

- Niriko