ambrosialvestiges-blog

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Tears

I cry so easily nowadays.  I used to find myself almost prideful of my ability to be unmoved by almost everything.  Now, I get chocked up, and my eyes water just from the simplest stories of kindness, or the briefest flashes of tragedy.

Still, I cannot cry for myself.  I wonder if that isn’t a tragedy in and of itself.

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Many happies listening to this atm.

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The war[against depression] is made of many battles, but as long as you are alive, it isn't over, and you haven't lost.

Self

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Feelin’ it today homes.

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There is a special kind of malice that can only be utilized by bringing truth into a matter.  This is not to say perhaps, bringing up personal details or history of betrayal, but rather in the lies we express, the lies we always have the potential, the ability, to express.

"I never loved you.

"I faked enjoying sex with you.  You were always inadequate.

"I hated your parents.

"I kicked your dog whenever you weren't home.

"I cheated on you with your best friend.

"I always found you to be dirty."

It is these comments, or similar ones, which we bring to light our intimate knowledge of it is to whom we are attacking.  The manner of emotional assault can only be described as vulgar, and yet it is at its truest debasement, an effective tool to destroy the self-concept of one's antagonist.

Even though these comments may be lies, they display in a fashion so blatant, so indisputable that this person whom they have cared for has seen them, has come to know their deepest insecurities and flaws, and at this very moment, the moment in which they have spoken these lies, has rejected their identity.  They have seen all that was ugly of their former lover or associate, and declared it grotesque.  They have stated with unmistakable clarity and cruelty that the negative traits they have striven to overcome in fact outweigh the positive qualities in them.

I have found that it is at the moments I am being emotionally blackmailed these thoughts arise.  The words come to mind, practically brimming and pressuring my head to share, to say, to venomously and veritably state the lies that will ravage the one whom is trying to push the blame of their failures on me, trying to guilt me into sex, into giving them money, to stop having friends, and to stop living outside of them.  It is these moments in which my mettle is tested.  Harder things I have seldom endured than my own personal demons, begging me to evoke the spell of truth twisted in these lies that will lay waste to the person I once cared for, and in many cases be the cause of their suicide.

Still, I have not spoken them.  I have been silent.  I have followed the rule, that it is better to be silent than to encourage or increase dissent.  I have tried so hard, and so long in bitter relationships, both romantic and friendships, to be the mature adult, to be the anchor that keeps the boat from drifting out to sea in the midst of a storm.  It took me a long time to realize the easiest solution to my struggle was simply to get off their boat.  I made the decision to no longer expose myself willingly to those with whom I must struggle to be decent.  I have yet to hear those sweet malevolent demands slither even in the depths of my mind since this decision.

In this, trying to become the rock that can bear every burden was a mistake.  There is nothing wrong in trying to better oneself, but sometimes the solution is to change your footing, rather than wear hardier boots.

Like a man that only sees shadow, if only because he does not turn to gaze upon the sun.

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Mac n cheese and broccoli for dinner. Yum!

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I have 15¢.  What can I grow with that?

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Good morning tumblr! Breakfast today is a slice of toast, diced kiwi/navel orange fruit salad, Greek yogurt with honey, and cinammon tea with cream.

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I worry that, like smoke, you will disappear.  That I will wonder if it was all a dream, and find myself beholden to a world which does not even exist.

Self

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Threats in Relationships

When an individual we love threatens suicide “if you leave” them, that’s doesn’t mean you need to stay, and it doesn’t make it your fault if you do leave and they die.

They stand, much like Atlas, holding up the great weight of the world, but the world is the sum of their many problems, some self imposed, some not.  

When you came into their life, you stood behind them, a strong back against their weary shoulders, and took some of the weight off.  For that, they loved you.  For the charm of their smile and the strength you witnessed in their carrying of such a burden which first brought you to them, so too did you love them.

Yet you hear them plea, beg, whimper, that alone they cannot go on, that alone they cannot survive, and with these desperate words and expressions they chain you with iron links which brand your soul.

You feel trapped.  You feel alone.  They who once brought challenge and alacrity you now find to be weighted shackles.

We forget.

They were standing when you met them.  They have the strength to carry their problems.  All you can do is remind them of this.  

You can’t bear their burdens forever.  In those we love, we find brief respite, but this too passes, because life is full of change.

Any extended refuge becomes a prison to the provider.

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Roasted brussel sprouts, halved and seasoned with sriracha, creole seasoning, and olive oil. Napa cabbage with quartered baby carrots. Baby lima beans cooked with sage and pepper.

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Word of the Day

anachronism

1:  an error in chronology; especially: a chronological misplacing of persons, events, objects, or customs in regard to each other

2:  a person or a thing that is chronologically out of place; especially: one from a former age that is incongruous in the present

3:  the state or condition of being chronologically out of place

Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/anachronism

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Cranberry Chicken Salad

While I may be vegetarian, it's a diet borne from a physical restriction rather than an ethical movement. I thoroughly enjoy cooking, and coming up with all sorts of recipes, not simply vegetarian ones :)  Credit to myrecipes.com for a portion of the ingredient ideas.  Hope you enjoy!

Utensils

Large Mixing Bowl

Large Spatula or Spoon for Mixing

Chef Knife

3/4 Measuring Cup

1/4 Measuring Cup

1/3 Measuring Cup

1 tbsp Measuring Spoon

Ingredients

3/4 cup dried cranberries (sweetened)

2 ribs of celery, diced (suggestion: slice lengthwise, then thinly chop across)

3/4 cup of mayonnaise (Jesus help you if you use miracle whip by accident)

2 tbsp of lemon juice (or just squeeze a lemon on top)

1/3 cup of sunflower seeds (alternatively, you can use slivered almonds or chopped walnuts)

1 tbsp of sesame seeds

1 tbsp black pepper (ground)

3lb of chicken breast

1/4 cup of fresh parsley. chopped (very finely)

Directions

Chicken Options

Using Boneless Chicken Breast

Fill a large saucepan with water and add 3lbs of chicken breasts(about 4 regular chicken breasts). Add a pinch of salt to help it boil faster.

Once the water is at a full boil, continue cooking for 12 minutes.

Remove 1 breast and cut into the middle.  If there is any pink visible, return to pan and cook an additional 5 minutes.  Repeat as necessary until chicken is opaque and white throughout(always good to double check internal temp with a thermometer. Chicken is good to go when at 165 F internal temp).

Drain the pan into a colander and set aside to cool.  If you only have time to make the chicken, you can always stash it in a container(wait a bit if tupperware) and put it in the fridge to use later.

After the chicken is done cooling, cut into 1/2 inch cubes and set aside.

Using Canned Chicken Breast (canned in water NOT OIL)

You can use it straight out of the can, but I would recommend browning it lightly to mitigate the "canned" aftertaste I've heard many people describe.

Browning Canned Chicken Breast

Cover a large skillet with a thin layer of olive oil.  Add 3lbs of canned chicken breasts and cook on medium heat, stirring once chicken begins to stick/brown.

Continue stirring once every 2 minutes for about 6 minutes.

Remove from heat and let cool, setting it aside.

Alternatively, just use it straight out of the can.

Add chicken, cranberries, celery, mayonnaise, black pepper, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, parsley, and lemon juice together in large mixing bowl and stir until well mixed.  Enjoy :)

Yields about 16 1/2 cup servings.  Approx 215 calories per serving, and 26 grams of protein.

Serving Suggestions

with Pita Chips or Crackers

on a Bed of Baby Spinach(or your favourite green)

in a Sandwhich with a Slice of Swiss Cheese

in a Wrap (whole wheat tortilla)

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Essential Seasonings & Spices for Every Kitchen

These are just my personal preferences for my everyday cooking. There are certainly many more which could be included, but from a fiscally conservative and frequency of use perspective, the following are my recommended every day spices. A comprehensive amd extensive spice cabinet isn’t something purchased all at once, but added onto as we experiment with our palate. It reflects our experiences and adventures with food. This is just a beginning. :)

Bay Leaves Black Pepper Brown Sugar Cayenne Pepper (ground not flake) Dill Garlic Powder Honey Oregano Parsley Rosemary (crushed, not ground or full leaf) Sea Salt Sesame Seeds Smoked Paprika (smoked, not regular!) Table/Iodized Salt Tarragon Thyme

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"Two compounds found in chili peppers, capsaicin and dihydrocapsaicin, help your nervous system react to the tingling sensation you feel when peppers hit your tongue. The brain, triggered by the capsaicin, releases endorphins in response. It’s a natural high — and eventually, repeated exposure to capsaicinoids wears down those receptors so that the pain subsides, and the effects of the endorphins remain. Now you know why you can't get enough of the flavor of hot sauce — you really are addicted to the spicy stuff."

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Breakfast yesterday :) boiled egg, applesauce, toast, & cottage cheese.

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Breakfast today! Greek yogurt with honey and a bagel. Yum!