21stcenturyartist10

[21stcenturyartist10]

officially reached that point in December where i have accepted that it’s okay, I’ll get my shit back together and start fresh from next year. 

[21stcenturyartist10]

PSA: T’is the season to be jolly so if you’re thinking of sending any cakes/pastries my way, I want you to know that-  Number 1, thank you that’s so sweet but also more importantly, number 2-  the standard is chocolate and not plum/rum- I am a child please cater to my needs, merry christmas amen.

[21stcenturyartist10]

I often feel imprisoned by people's perceptions of me

I fear every trope donned upon me is a cage

A prison,

a maze from which I can never escape

And yet, I want to be seen

I want to be seen so badly.

[21stcenturyartist10]

Before you go ahead

And think you can have your way with me

Just know that it's not love but guilt that I hold for men like these

It's not brought me peace but turned me into a paranoid, nervous and knotted up woman

Who can't fall asleep

[21stcenturyartist10]

I read the other day that

Two things can be true

But does that mean that I was never really abused?

[21stcenturyartist10]

I thought the grass I was walking on was green

It sure looked like it and often felt surreal

But now I see that through it all, I was treading on a minefield

And it fills me with sadness to know that towards the end, you felt the same as I did

[21stcenturyartist10]

Lately,

I've been feeling like,

I'm in a play

And I know everyone's lines but mine.

[21stcenturyartist10]

Can I just say...

Not feeling like the main character in your own story could very well be a burgeoning main character trait.

I like to think that we all live in our very own MCU's and are currently discovering what our origin stories are -whether we're the hero or villain at this point in time, what our superpowers are and what our role is in making this world a better place both on our own and/or with a squad of fellow humans who share the same mission as we do.

Maybe that initial realization is that pivotal moment of conflict /heartbreak or self-awareness your character needed for you to take back the reins on your life and make it your own and not just one someone else wrote.

Keep. Going.

[21stcenturyartist10]

I'm an idiot.

I think I've discovered the key to hacking life.

You be a lil bitch and complain about the universe and how all the odds are stacked against you and to get revenge and prove you wrong, the universe makes all your dreams come true.

There. This is called manifestation.

[21stcenturyartist10]

Being mentally ill in the public space is like you only want me when I'm an inspiration.

An exception.

What if I'm not?

[21stcenturyartist10]

is it just me?

I used to travel to college by train every day. The process of getting on one in Mumbai isn't the easiest. There's always an anxiety that the train is going to leave at any moment without you in it. If I didn't make it on that one train, I'd be late to class, meaning I wouldn't get marked present and that could result in me being debarred if consistent. That never happened to me, but it was a recurring fear. It was a recurring fear that manifested into a recurring nightmare once we went on lockdown right at the end of my college journey. In this nightmare, the anxiety of missing the train was amplified, the consequences of which were too. Today, I'm scared of getting back into the routine of having to catch trains that are way too full, that I have to fight to get on, that I have to struggle to be on time for. I'm afraid and nervous and want to just be in bed and sleep it all off. Even taking the slow train somewhere fills me with anxiety. But I guess that's where I have to and will start.

[21stcenturyartist10]

Things are happening and they're happening too quickly. I've been waiting for things like this to happen all my life and still I don't feel ready.

Am I really ready or am I just worried I won't be everything I wanted to be. Everything I know I can be.

I know I can do this.

I was born to do this.

I was meant to shine, to thrive.

But it all goes away, I go away when I feel their eyes on me.

I'm scared, when I'm in the spotlight, they'll see me and they'll see all of me.

And I'll become and be only what they see.

[21stcenturyartist10]

|| Sylvia Plath / My Soul Sister ||

to love and to be loved.

i am, i am, i am.

she carved my fears in her journal unknowingly, before my birth.

Oh this heavy emptiness.

[21stcenturyartist10]

You Can Do This! <3

You know, I’ve been seeing this phrase and sentiment very often lately. One of - you can change your life anytime you want to. You are in control. It’s easy. Don’t make excuses, just do it…. Etc etc.

I used to hate things like this. When you are ill, you often don’t feel in control. You feel like life is just happening to you and here there are people who seem so pretty and perfect on the surface who tell you you just need to change your perspective and stop being such a lazy shit/ whiny lil bitch and hustle your life to success. 

As someone who’s been there and is now in the process of trying to make a life that is mine, I’ll tell you that some of these people might mean well when they share the way they have ‘fixed’ themselves and their lives. 

But this does not happen overnight. Some of us can’t wake up on the right side of the bed and decide one day that everything is going to change for the better and then with a snap it just happens. It doesn’t. And if it does for a few days, it’s often short-lived 

It’s a process that requires you to already have been thinking of yourself for a while and to have the hope that you’d lost, re-enter in your life. It’s you recognizing that you still have things you haven’t seen or experienced yet and something left to live for. It’s acknowledging the things that have happened to you in the past and crying about it but in time realizing that you will never let that happen to you again. It takes time. And it’s not pretty or unilinear.

And then one day, this thought will just hit you with the force of a tidal wave and it will say to you- I want to live my life. I want to live and do the things I’ve always dreamed of doing. And I will do it. This thought may come to you one night. But remember it was a long time in the making. Your brain and cognitive processes were being primed in anticipation for this thought for some time now.  And even if this thought does come to you, it might be hard to execute it in that very minute. 

Things like money, skill and self-work do not manifest simultaneously with this revolutionary thought. 

And that can be very very frustrating. But hold on to that thought. That is your lifeline and your birthright.  And you will live long enough to see the life you’ve wanted and worked hard towards. 

And you’re on that journey. It’s happening as you read this. Hold on.

[21stcenturyartist10]

I think I've discovered the key to hacking life.

You be a lil bitch and complain about the universe and how all the odds are stacked against you and to get revenge and prove you wrong, the universe makes all your dreams come true.

There. This is called manifestation.

[21stcenturyartist10]

I recently realized that excuses and explanations are two different things. A lot of conflicts / discomfort arise from situations in which those two are treated as the same thing. It's extremely isolating and frustrating and makes you feel crazy because you feel trapped in someone else's perception of you where no amount of justification changes their minds.

It's really hard for me to wrap my head around this but my therapist said something along the lines of- not everybody who believes you're making an excuse deserves an explanation. Which intellectually makes sense, but emotionally?

This taps a little onto the whole - overexplaining and justifying things because of situations of trauma and being around people who don't see you or your experience as valid but that's a big discussion for another day.

It's so so so AAAAAAAAHHHHHH when you realize that people are just gonna believe whatever the hell they want to about you, esp when it suits their own narrative.

And there's nothing you can do but maybe dwell on it for a while, and then get over it and move on hoping karma works it's magic or you prove them wrong later.

But it's eating away at me. It is.

[21stcenturyartist10]

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

I used to sing this song a lot when I was younger.

I’ve always wanted to be a singer.

I just thought it would happen. It had to. 

And then I was 17 and there were people my age and younger getting famous for it.

While I was still dreaming.

I revisited this song when I began going for voice lessons.

And I learned to play it on my little ukulele, the only thing that has always wanted to sing with me. 

Being an artist is hard. We wait our whole lives to be discovered but the hardest lesson I had to learn was that for most, these things don’t just happen.

It takes a lot of time, patience and practice. And money.

I am now a music educator- teaching people what I wish I'd picked up sooner.

And with this little ukulele, I've begun working on and paying for my dreams by teaching it to groups of people- with aspiring or forgotten dreams.

There are a couple of seats still open in my 3 Month Complete Beginner's Ukulele Course!

Let’s do this :)