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[xxpoemsx]

Tagebucheintrag 4 - 7 Jahre

Sieben Jahre! Sieben verdammte Jahre Therapie! Und ich sitze hier und weiß nicht, was mit mir nicht stimmt und warum ich mich so unendlich verloren fühle! Nicht falsch verstehen… Ich habe in diesen Jahren super viel gelernt, auch super viel hilfreiche Dinge. Dinge, die grundsätzlich jeder im Laufe des Lebens lernen sollte! Egal ob psychisch erkrankt oder nicht. Ich habe alle möglichen…

[xxpoemsx]

Schutz!? (TW)

Du sollst mir Schutz geben Doch stattdessen machst du mich kaputt Ich zerfalle in Einzelteile Ich weine Ich schreie Ich flehe Ich will mir nur noch mehr etwas antun! Denn ich halt es hier nicht aus Hier, bei dir Du sperrst mich ein Du machst mich klein Ich bin nicht frei Ich bin eingeengt Ich weine Ich bettle Holt mich hieraus, bevor es mich weiter zerstört – Aber keiner hört…

[xxpoemsx]

I‘m always asking myself

What is wrong with me ?

Why can‘t I accept that somebody loves me

That somebody needs me

That somebody wants me

Is it because I don‘t love myself ? So I can‘t understand why somebody else do it?

[xxpoemsx]

Mom

I’m a prisoner

Captive in my own body

In my tiny body

I’m a broken prisoner

A self destructive prisoner

I want to get out

I want to be free

So I have to ruin the prison

I have to destroy it

And I can be free

And my body, my prison

It Is still there

Just not longer alive

There will be no more pain

Or self hate and body shaming

Just a peaceful sleeping body and a free happy soul

[xxpoemsx]

I can’t forget you

But you forget me everyday a little more

Til you don‘t know my name anymore

[xxpoemsx]

I lose you more and more everyday

like trees their leaves

every year

[xxpoemsx]

Lie next to me and tell me all your fears

[xxpoemsx]

I‘m sorry

I lost my smile

My laughter

My patience

I‘m sorry

I don’t listen

Don‘t speak

Don‘t go on

I‘m sorry

I just cry

Just sleep

Just want to be alone

I‘m trying to safe you

Trying to safe me

Trying to safe us from what’s going on in my mind

But how can I ignore the voice in my head ?

[xxpoemsx]

Your hand touches my body

I look in your eyes

And I feel beautiful

Your hand touches my boobs

I get goosebumps

And I feel ready for it

Your hand goes down to my sensitive part

I breath heavily

And I feel the wave of thrill

- Just before Sex

[xxpoemsx]

Sweaty skin

Heavy breathing

Shaking body

- Orgasm

[xxpoemsx]

I see how you laugh,

How you cry,

how you love,

how you hate

You‘re full of emotions

And I’m just emotionally numb

[xxpoemsx]

I feel so heavy

I just can lay down and stare to the walls

I can‘t move

I really can’t move

I just can stare blankly at the walls

I‘m so weak

I‘m so hopeless

[xxpoemsx]

You left nothing but bruises

[xxpoemsx]

You’re not good enough

It’s 4 am

My eyes burn

But I can’t sleep

My mind doesn’t rest

My body is so tired

My arms and legs are heavy

But my mind speaks loud

„You’re not good enough. You’re not worth it“

[xxpoemsx]

The rope around my neck get tighter with every word you say

[xxpoemsx]

Standing still

Everybody is moving

But I’m here

Standing still

[xxpoemsx]

Letter to my depression

Dear Depression,

Dear big shadow

You make my life dark

You change my hope into sorrow

You take my will to life

You take my strength and my faith and my bravery

Are you proud ?