xkuraiko

[xkuraiko]

So merlin is trending, huh? Here are 5 fics you should read about those immortal idiots

1. and it will set you free series by andiwriteordie. Arguably my favourite fix-it from so, so long. The way the author introspected about their entire lifetime was unbelievably powerful. And the way they gave Arthur agency to have had a say in the whole "destiny" debacle from the very beginning.. oh my. So creative and so incredibly loving. Honestly, all of this author's works are works of art and it's a crime against the fandom how very underrated they are.

2. Smile and Pretend by Fulgance. Yes fine I know I can't keep on recommending this author's Beauty in the Ashes of Our Lives every time I get the chance. But really, this one was just as amazing. My soft heart flutters for any and all Arthur-Finds-Out fics. Especially those where he lets Merlin come to him with it instead. aaaah. This fic is definitely one of the top tiers of the category.

3. Fathom Me Out by supercalvin. I don't know about you, but to me this is a requirement for our fandom. If you haven't read this fic, you haven't read anything. It is absolute brilliance— in writing, in the plot, in their characterization.. absolutely everything.

4. Still I Surface in Morning Light by queerofthedagger. Scar reveal, but make it so good that you never stop thinking about it. I can hands-down say it's one of the best scar reveal fics I've read in this fandom. It's so intricately written and their conversations are otherworldly. The despair and love you see here.. a masterpiece.

5. To you I swear my solemn oaths by regulusrules. Again, yes I know I should stop flouncing around My heart is readily yours every time I get the chance. It's my hyperfixation on fics that hyperfixate over Arthur, forgive me. TYISMSO was my first ever fic in the fandom, and I always look back at it with pride of how much faith I tried to breathe between them. They were in love, your honour. God I love those two idiots so much.

[xkuraiko]

Merlin is STILL trending lmfao, so here, have a fic rec list:

The entire anthology of horsecrazy aka @cbk1000 (M/E)

This includes both her published and unpublished works, lmfao. Special mention goes to The Book of Merthur for being the show rewrite I desperately needed, And None But Fools for being perfect in every way, and also to the as-yet-unpublished vet!Merlin AU currently in the works which I KNOW will clear my skin and add 10+ years to my life once it’s released. But literally read every single story, please, because they’re all phenomenal.

You hold a knife at my throat (I tell you exactly where to cut) by @nextstopparis (E)

I read this one recently and thoroughly enjoyed it! The banter was great, and I loved their dynamic — particularly Merlin’s (very in-character) confidence and Arthur’s (also very in-character) yearning. Arthur sets out to covertly train Merlin in using a variety of weapons… with varying success. He also attempts to ignore the fact that he’s very clearly in love with his manservant, lmfao.

To buy my love a sword of steel by @athousandvictories (M)

I love how visual and gritty this story feels, the historical depth and the battles and the tension of it. The storytelling and language is lovely. Also if you haven’t read Into Perdition by the same author, get on that, STAT.

Despoiled by @astolat (E)

Obviously all of astolat’s fics are classics in the fandom; I go back to them regularly. This is your reminder to go reread them, or discover them if you haven’t yet read them! Featuring banter, pining and great sex.

Strangled by the red string of fate by @idlestories (E)

Another classic. The dialogue in this is 10000/10. So fucking funny.

Fools of us all by adelagia aka @mmmpointy (E)

"What were you doing with a love potion in the first place?" Arthur demanded, appalled that Merlin would resort to such a thing, and simultaneously wondering which comely maiden in Camelot he'd have to destroy so Merlin could safely direct his affections elsewhere. Not that Arthur had a particular direction in mind. I fucking love Arthur in this fic. Another classic and one I love to reread.

[xkuraiko]

Idk whether I’m crying because I’m so happy that we’ll get more Sk8 or because I’m terrified of how 100+ chapters of Haikyuu are supposed to be compressed into two movies instead of a new season 🥹

me at sk8 staff right now:

[xkuraiko]

Annnd another day of writing soft, pining byler

[xkuraiko]

When you realize how fucking abusive your dad really is and how he keeps victimizing himself and keeps saying that you’re the bad guy because you supposedly called him a bad father and shit even though you never said anything like it but he keeps insisting that you did and he continually tries to guilt trip you, his youngest daughter, because he can’t handle the fact that (even though he’s been mostly absent during your childhood and he’s never really been there to ask him to do you a favor and when you did he just up and forgot about it so you couldn’t even trust in him to be a responsible and dependable dad for even once in his life) you’ve always depended more on your mother and also confided in her more because well, there hardly was a dad to talk to. But I guess I’m the one at fault and I’ve done everything wrong in my life up to this point and my dad’s the poor lad who has been wronged all his life sooooo….guess ima just up and leave because I have more self-worth than to allow that man to continue to talk down to me like that :))))))

[xkuraiko]

Y‘ALL.

While I was showering I realized (cause that’s all I’ve been thinking about since I woke up and it’s all I’ll be thinking about the next few days, get off my back) that Bakugo calling Midoriya “Izuku“ is not just him acknowledging and respecting Midoriya by refraining from calling him “Deku“ like he used to do, but also Bakugo addressing not Deku the hero, but Izuku, the boy beneath the mask.

It’s not his fellow hero he’s talking to, it’s his classmate. It’s the kid he’s known since they were 4 and the boy he’s been fangirling over All Might with that he’s talking to.

[xkuraiko]

The moment you’re lowkey hating your life because your friend tries to make plans with you for the next days but you can’t gather up any kind of energy to even respond to them because you’re frightened of the thought of going out and doing something not because you don’t like them and not even because of COVID-19 but just because you’re you and rn in one of your completely antisocial phases of wanting nothing more but to isolate yourself and spend time with no one but yourself but you’re also hating yourself because you’re ignoring your best friend and you don’t want them to hate you but you can’t and don’t really want to explain why you don’t wanna hang out because you also hate turning people down when you have no real reason like another appointment you have to attend on that day they want to spend with you and it all just. Stresses. You. Out. So. Damn. Much. And you don’t now what to do and now are left with only yourself and your thoughts of self loathing and sad music to fit your weird emotional state.

2021 sure be going strong for me lol.

[xkuraiko]

So. To come back to my last post. It’s been over a week since I had my first day of school after quarantine and tbh it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. It was pretty nice actually and it was refreshing to see faces who don’t belong to my family for a change. Though it was pretty weird because the halls were pretty empty and it was all unusually quiet since the younger grades are not going to school yet and I appreciated it but it was also very weird.

Our teachers were also pretty nice and they didn’t lecture us for not doing the assignments. But they gave us new assignments for this week. I’ve done like half of what we had to do and it’s due tomorrow. It’s completely my fault for procrastinating that hard but even though I knew that I still had work to do I couldn’t bring myself to do more. The most important stuff is done, at least kind of. I have a presentation tomorrow and well, the presentation itself is ready but I’m not. I’ve got the slides but I didn’t have the time to write down some notes for myself and I all in all don’t feel ready mentally.

I’m still contemplating if I even go to school or if I skip tomorrow to prepare myself better for the presentation and school itself. Idk yet, I know myself and I’m 90% sure that I’ll stay home but well, there’s still the possibility that I’ll change my mind. not

[xkuraiko]

So, tomorrow’s my first day of school after being in quarantine for around two months. I’ve absolutely got no desire to see my classmates and/or my teachers again. Even though it’s only half of the class and we only have like five teachers because we only have five subjects and we only have to go one day a week, I don’t feel like going. I haven’t done any of my assignments for the last 5 weeks or so and it’s my own fault, I know that, but I don’t look forward to getting lectured for not doing them and therefore not sending them in. 

I’ve worried about that before and I actually kinda came to terms that there’s nothing I can do about that anymore, but in the back of my mind there’s still a voice screeching and panicking because of that but whatever. I actually should be sleeping (it’s around 12:30am where I live, but my sleep schedule is completely fucked so I accepted the fact that I probably won’t sleep at all today. I know it’s not good for me but well, I’m not good at taking care of myself. (And I kinda wanna know how good I can handle going to school with no sleep)

Moreover, I don’t know what to expect of tomorrow because my homeroom teacher gave us multiple different schedules and I don’t know which one is the right one. Due to that and me having no motivation at all, I’m entertaining the idea of going home early, making up an excuse. Granted, it’s most likely not even going to be a full on made up excuse considering that I probably won’t sleep and me not having eaten anything except some slices of dry toast today. The chances of me getting a headache are high and that’s what I’m betting on if I have to. As I said, I’m not good at taking care of myself, but I try. Sometimes. Kinda. 

Stay tuned, I’ll probably post again and if I do I’ll tell you what I ended up doing. Oh, before I forget it. Just as a little side note which is kinda concerning when you think about it: There’s a dude at my school who’s father was tested positive for COVID-19 but the dude still came to school. I heard that he hugged someone and kinda ignored the rules which include keeping your distance from others, wearing a mask etc. He’s still getting tested but I think it’s kinda fucked up that, even though the risk that he’s infected and spread it is there, we still have to go to school. If he ends up tested positive and school has to close again because he might’ve spread the virus I’m gonna say that I’ve called it. 

Peace out, people.

[xkuraiko]

Lowkey having kind of a mental breakdown because now, after weeks and weeks of quarantine, I’ve run out of stuff to do, shit to watch and shit to read. I mean yeah, I play AC, I read shit, I watch shit, but even I can’t do that for almost 7 weeks straight. In the end of the day there’s nothing new and interesting left to do and I’m stuck in an endless circle of switching through social media and music, and, as much as I love music, 7 weeks of doing not much more but listening to music gets pretty repetitive and boring after a while.

The problem here though is not specifically that there’s nothing left to do, it’s the fact that I can’t distract myself anymore from all the stuff that I’ve got on my mind. Without a distraction there’s nothing but stressing about school and all the assignments that I haven’t done because I couldn’t bring myself to sit down and do shit, nothing beyond the fear of having to go back to school on the 27th for real. What makes it worse is your friends not answering your texts you’ve sent hours ago and now you’re getting anxious for no reason and you know that you’re being unreasonable with the explanations you come up with as to why they’re not responding but you can’t help it because your mind is a messed up place that jumps to conclusion as much as it likes.

And then it gets even more ridiculous and suddenly you’re being sad and anxious about the fact that you, in fact, have no one you can rely on 24/7. Even the friends you tell about your problems (lol that one friend I have) are just friends and you crave something more. You crave physical comfort with a SO which you certainly don’t have and that’s what you’re beating yourself up about. You know it’s stupid but you’re also tired of trying to remind yourself that you can find comfort in your friends even though you know it’s not the same.

The most ridiculous thing that you end up doing though is writing a post on tumblr at 2:30am in english, which is not your native language, about your problems as if anyone would care. With that said, I’m sorry y’all out there, quarantine really brought me down mentally and emotionally. Felt shitty before but I feel even shittier now and sometimes I need to get that stuff off my chest, which is where tumblr gets involved for whatever reason, idk.

Anyway, I hope quarantine has been treating y’all better than it did treat me, but if not, then please, hang in there. I know it’s hard, but these times will pass. I hope and believe that it’ll get better again, for you as well as for me. It may take some time, but we’ll get better again. Nobody of us has to be alone in this. Take me as an example. I write posts in a foreign language on the internet to somehow cope with my problems. Do whatever helps you to cope with yours. You’ve got this. Stay safe you all and take care of yourselves.

[xkuraiko]

I’m anxious as f*ck

That horrible moment in quarantine when your teachers suddenly come up with the glorious idea to videochat and you’re lowkey panicking because you can’t even deal with voice chats on discord with your class and always mute your mic in order to avoid having to talk at all costs because you don’t want to embarrass yourself BUT VIDEO CHATTING IS EVEN WORSE. It’s not like I have a problem with seeing my classmates, my problem is just them seeing me because feck, quarantine life has not been treating me kindly in regards of like everything. Being social was never my strong suit and being in quarantine for weeks didn’t really help in that regards.

I’ve already missed some other class chats with our teachers and that were not even videochats, but I’m really at a loss of what to do because I really, really don’t want to videochat. With anybody, not even with my friends, let alone my class. But I feel like I shouldn’t miss it so I’m really uncertain about what to do, because I feel so anxious just thinking about being seen by my classmates and it makes me sick. I’ve had the experience before with just voice chatting or even when we had normal classes before all of this corona mess. I’m really anxious and I start to shake all over and my heart feels like it’ll jump out of my chest with how fast it’s beating and I feel like it would be even worse if people were able to not just hear but also see me. 

Help pls

[xkuraiko]

I’ve been thinking...

So, as the title suggests, I’ve been thinking. Thanks to COVID-19 making it impossible to live a normal life with school and some kind of routine and an appropriate time to go to bed, I tend to stay up late. With today posing no exception, given that it’s almost 3:45am where I live. 

And to put it bland: The thoughts I have around that time are not really the ones I wish to have, but it be like that. But just a minute ago I remembered something.

As I was scrolling through Pinterest I came across some posts about mental health and well, that suddenly reminded me how inappropriate it actually is to self-diagnose yourself with depression or an anxiety disorder just because you feel down or feel sad once in a while. One thought lead to another and I realized that I kinda did that in some of my previous posts here on tumblr, talking about my “anxiety” and my “depression” even though I’ve never been diagnosed with either one. Granted, I’ve never been to a therapist or doctor who could verify if I really suffer from one of them or both or none, that aside.

I immediately felt guilt rush over me. Because I was like “Don’t self-diagnose yourself, it’s not appropriate towards the people who have been diagnosed with it.” and in the end I self-diagnosed myself. Which wasn’t intentional. It’s just that I see those posts, talking about how people with anxiety and/or depression behave and what they could feel and I just related to some of it so much that somewhere in between I overstepped the boundary and claimed to have anxiety or depression. 

It’s not that I think that I’m just imagining things. I think that I could have anxiety and/or depression because I clearly see that I feel/do/experience scenarios very similar to people who seem to suffer from those mental illnesses, but I don’t want to diagnose myself completely without any expert verifying that. ‘Cause I feel it’s rude towards those who really suffer from mental illnesses. 

I know that most people won’t ever see this post or if they see it they won’t care because I’m just some girl who’s in no way important to them. The only “people” who’ll react in someway to this will probably be those accounts who want to advertise(?) sex with “hot girls”. Sorry to y’all but I’m not interested in those girls, could you please leave my poor and innocent (blog)self alone? I don’t wanna see a notification which in the end leads to one of those fecking bots or whatever the feck you are. If I’d wanted to see boobs so badly then I just lift my shirt and look down or look for a nice lady in the instagram comments and help her search her underwear (sarcasm).

Anyways, what I initially wanted to say with this post is sorry if I’ve offended anyone with my self-diagnosing of mental illnesses. It was never my intention to claim to have those issues as if I’d been diagnosed with them by a professional because that’s not the case. 

I promise that I’ll be more careful with my words in the future.

[xkuraiko]

That really hurt.

Here I was, chatting with that one friend I have who knows of my struggles and the mental health issues I have. He brought up the “What if...” following to a story I told him. Then I shared too much and well, that’s more or less how it went afterwards...

Me: I’m afraid of the thought that I talk to people who don’t actually wanna talk to me but are polite enough to keep talking to me. People I’ve known for years or people I just really enjoy talking with, who just endure it due to their politeness. It’d make me feel horrible to know that they don’t actually want to talk with me.

Him: Drama queen.

Me: Thanks. 

Him: You’re welcome.

Me: Sorry for struggling with something so irrelevant.

Him: Apology accepted.

He then left saying he was going to sleep now. And what did I do? I started to cry because, damn, it hurt being called a drama queen because of something I seriously struggle with. And damn did it hurt to see that he, in fact, does not understand what I struggle with. It makes me feel even worse that he didn’t pick up on how I didn’t mean my apology. ‘Cause who the f*ck would actually believe that I mean it if I phrase it like that???

I feel so bad having shown this side of me. I also kinda feel betrayed ‘cause I originally thought we weren’t judging each other, but well, guess I was wrong. But maybe it’s me who’s in the wrong? Maybe I’m really just overreacting and overthinking things? 

Anyways, my self-esteem just dropped a mile and the smile our conversation had put on my face before vanished. Feels sh*tty being the one who encourages and tries her best to understand his struggles just to be hit with a reaction like that after talking about my insecurities. 

[xkuraiko]

That moment when...

You feel anxious and depressed again after a period of time in which you felt pretty nice and content with your life. Like, everything was going smoothly, you don’t fail any of your classes, feel good in your body and nothing bad has happened for quite some time.

But then this feeling hits you. 

That feeling that reminds you that you’re actually not okay. The sudden wave of sadness and your anxiety acting up again, mocking you for thinking that you’d finally be okay. Punishing you for that pathetic thought of yours.

And then you start crying out of nowhere, even though there’s not a single damn thing to cry about. But you still do. You’re not even trying to stop the tears from falling, instead you’re just waiting for your body to stop acting like a b*tch and grow up. 

The moment when you’re body violently reminds you that your mental health is at the edge and your depression and anxiety are still lurking in the shadows of your mind even when you feel happy for some time. Reminding you that, no matter what kind of good things are happening, you’ll never find complete happiness. 

And the worst is when you can’t talk with anyone about it ‘cause most of your friends think your the happy funny soul in the group even though you’re not. They don’t know of the times you were crying at home, thinking you’re worthless and that you’ll never accomplish anything or do something to benefit society in any shape or form. They don’t know of the existensial crisis you face whenever you hear them talk about what they’re passionate about or what they’re dreaming of doing in the future. They’re not aware that you’re thinking that nobody will ever be able to love you, that you’re doubting that they’re your friends because they like you and not just because they pity you. 

They don’t know that your mind is a really dark place and you don’t tell them because you don’t wanna be a burden or annoy them.

That sh*t is what makes you feel even worse.

[xkuraiko]

I need advice

So, this is gonna be a lot different than the posts I´ve already posted. It is about quite a serious topic on which I would appreciate advice and helpful comments.

Something in advance: My first language is not english, so sorry for any mistake that I´ll may or may not make while writing please, I´d appreciate it if you´d ignore it. Also, I´m not gonna use any gender specific pronouns, as I try to be as transparent and neutral as possible ;)

Very recently I talked with a friend of mine with who I hadn´t talked for at least two years. We used to be childhood friends, spending all of our time together, but we grew apart once we had finished elementary school. We still had some contact, talked sometimes, but that was it. So approximately two years ago was the last time we had a conversation. This was till a few days ago.

They messaged me on SnapChat and we had a little talk. Talking about how we´ve done in the time we didn´t talk, chatting about everything. That´s when they told me about their partner. They explained that they get jealous easily, so they forbid any contact with people of the opposite gender. My friend doesn´t like it and is unhappy with that situation, even more because they also had been forbidden to attend any kind of party and if they ask their partner, they don´t want to go with them because they don´t like partying. Hopefully you see what the problem here is.

Another thing they told me is that they think about dropping out of school because they can´t handle it anymore. After a friend of their´s wanted to commit suicide, but fortunatly could be stopped before doing it, they can´t concentrate anymore and have blackouts during exams. The suicide attempt of their friend is also the reason why they started to cut themselves with razor blades again.

Which leads me to my honest question: As their friend, who truly is concerned about them, is there anything I could do to help them? I know, there´s probably not much that one can do to help a friend in a situation like that, at least I can´t think of anything but offering them my support and lending them my ear. But if anyone out there finds this post and has experienced something similar, please help me and give me advice. I´m not good at comforting others, so I´m helpless and frustrated that I can´t help them as much as I would like to...

[xkuraiko]

Shizzle

My Pinterest account just got blocked because I seemingly did something bad according to the community guidelines but I have no clue what I did wrong. Hopefully, I‘ll be able to get it back because I‘ll cry when I lose all of the pins I‘ve been collecting...I have too many to lose all of them >.<

[xkuraiko]

Ouch

Listening to Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol as the chorus comes in and you hear the line “If I lay here“ after having read the new chapter from one of your favorite Manhua (Here U Are by D. Jun) and having a feels attack and changing the line into “If I lay here dying“ but then remembering one of Banana Fish‘s last episodes title was “As I lay dying“ and having another mental breakdown because you’re still not over it yet. Ouch