wordsofthebroken9 - Tumblr blog

[wordsofthebroken9]

First choice

For once i’d like to be someones first choice: I know i’m never your first choice, And you don’t fight for me to stay, But darling know that I still love you so, And unfortunately thats never changed

[wordsofthebroken9]

[wordsofthebroken9]

Does it hurt you, like it hurts me?

I never really asked. Does it hurt you, in the way it hurts me? I know it hurts you, but how? Is it a crushing weight, an ice cold dagger to the chest, the numbing feeling when there are no feelings left to give? No? Then I guess we hurt in a different way.

You say you are always there for me. You stand tall and cradle me when I feel as small as a mouse. But I see your cracks, I see the pain seeping out. You try to hide it from me, I know this because I see you hiding when I am hiding it from you.

Tell me, which part hurts the most? The part where you must live with this broken creature, or the part where she is broken in ways you do not anticipate or desire? You tell my story far and wide. Well the parts of the story you do not wish to hide.

Tell me, how many of your friends no the darker side. You tell anyone who knows me about the physical damage that my broken body endures. How many people know about the mental damage? Please don’t shy away from the subject again, don’t blame it on stress or changes, just accept it. I have.

I am broken in so many ways yet I will never hide away from any of my imperfections, so why do you? So tell me, can you see? That this will never hurt you, never hurt you the way that it hurts me?

[wordsofthebroken9]

[wordsofthebroken9]

The worst part of trusting someone, is when you spend so long acting as if you are fine, and when you finally admit you are not okay, they turn their back on you

[wordsofthebroken9]

To those i tried to leave behind

I was walking, i can see it all so clearly. I knew the plan, i knew you would all be better once I lept. I remember being so numb inside that I couldnt even feel the rain on my face or the tears that were falling from my eyes.

One step at a time i walked closer and closer to the bridge, my mind and my heart had already lept so it was time for my body to leap as well.

I remember being on the phone, I had no idea why I called her, I had no idea why I told her everything but i did. I hung up realising that nothing she said could help. Little did I know.

You never realise how much people care until they almost lose you. Now I know who cares, i know the ones that would never let me fall, I went to leap and they held me tight so that my grip wouldnt falter.

So to those I nearly lost, thank you for never letting me leave on my own

[wordsofthebroken9]

To myself

You are strongest when you are broken, you are smartest when you are clueless and you are the most loving when you are unloved.

You will never lead a normal, peaceful life. Therefore, you must thrive in the chaos. Let it surround you, whilst you stand firm and tall. You grew up much too fast in some ways. So don't surround yourself with those that fault you when you try to reclaim memories of a childhood you have lost. Instead, surround yourself with those like you, the beaten yet strong, the broken yet remaining.

[wordsofthebroken9]

To the one haunting my dreams

It has been months since we last spoke, the awkward glances and deafening silence was too much for either of us to bear. It has been months since we last spoke, yet I still see you every night. Every night you sneak into my dreams telling stories of how we used to be, how we could be. It hurts because I know that these dreams will forever only be dreams. But how can I move on when every night I am wrapped in your arms, your soothing touch slowly setting off fireworks in my heart. It is less that a month until we speak again, you will have no doubt have moved on and found a prettier, healthier, less damaged model on your arm. Yet how am I supposed to move on when you are still haunting me. You let me go in the real world now release me so I can at least dream in peace!

[wordsofthebroken9]

The one that broke me

I always saw you as flawless, I knew I couldn’t have you because having you would mean letting all of you engulf all of me. I had been burned before many time but none of those boys left as severe burns as the ones that are all over my body now.

In the beginning I tried to flee, like a scared little rabbit, I begged my legs to carry me far away until i found a safe hide away. You became my safe hide away. Your arms consumed my frail body when it was no more than an empty carcass, you filled it up with hope and a longing for more.

I allowed myself to be consumed by your presence. Your eyes, those hypnotising eyes telling me what I wanted to here. Even when I begged you to leave, you stayed. Until i stopped begging, when I stopped begging you stopped loving me the way you should, the way you once could.

You. You came back and I thought that I had finally found this thing everyone else called true love, yet you. You used me, you used me and tossed me aside when something better, when something prettier, when something less damaged came along.

I never knew how closely hate and love walked hand in hand, I never knew the unshaking feeling of nothingness they bought. I never knew until you forced me to face it alone.

Now you are another line on my scarred body, yet your line continues to bleed. Your line continues to remain unhealed. I guess this was true love after all.

[wordsofthebroken9]

Hold your head high, little girl; Place your hands at your sides and stand tall. You are powerful, Strong, Important. You are a mountain, A warrior, A goddess. Let nothing in this world stand in your way. Keep your voice heard, little girl; Speak your mind and take no spite from them. You are intelligent, Wise, Knowledgeable. You are an owl, A librarian, A strategist. Control the world around you. Love with your entire self, little girl; Accept those who will accept you. You are kind, Passionate, Romantic. You are a lover, An advocate, A safe place. Make the world a better place.

(via sadistwriter)

[wordsofthebroken9]

A mothers touch

She looks on, sadness and hopelessness fill her eyes in a clear liquid form. She hangs to the limp childlike memories that lay across the floor, whilst the grown reality of her child stands behind her.

Unable to admit that the little girl is gone, the mother fights with her grown child, struggling to recover the memories of a young daughter they both missed. She holds the girl tighter and wishes her protection and love, knowing that she will be her protection and her love.

She has faced many troubles in her years, the grey hairs and quick fuse are just the aftermath of a life time of fighting. Through all the fights and all the victories she does not stand tall and triumphant. Instead she lays next to the memories, reminiscing the times before the storm.

She watches as her children are beaten and broken, yet she cannot intervene. There is a wall that separates her and her offspring. And despite her childs best efforts to block the view the wall stands transparent.

Although they both stay strong, and wake up every morning ready to fight yet again. They are both growing weak. They see the future coming and yet neither are willing to prepare for it. Neither one, ready to accept the fate that there roles will reverse when it is the child being carried through the crowd, before her mother.

[wordsofthebroken9]

His story

He too is an empty canvas of a man, he walks with the weight of his world baring down on his fragile shoulders, every step a struggle to lift his twig like limbs.

He has been broken too, the earth that he walked on turned against him. The poisoned grass filled his lungs and the deadly water tore his heart. Yet he walks on.

You see unlike me, he sees the world as it is and relishes in the glow of its sun. Even when life has beaten him to a skeleton of a man, he smiles, cracks a joke and carries on walking.

He has watched, he has watched the same scenario play out over and over again. Each time he uses different methods and tactics to try and complete the level of life spread in front of him. Each time the same darkened result greets him in a black casket.

We stand together, facing the world knowing that at some point. At some point things will change, things have to change. Otherwise we too will be greeted by the cold, and dark caskets.

[wordsofthebroken9]

My story...

I have woken up with a boys hand down my shorts, when I tightened my legs, he didn't stop, when I pulled his hand away, he smiled, attempted to kiss me and tried again. I have cuts on my arm from where life got too much and the only relief was more pain. I look in the mirror and am unimpressed by the figure i see, therefore i starve the empty canvas of my body, I shove two fingers to the back of my throat after a decent meal and I destroy my insides with laxatives. I look on, watching those whom i have saved from drowning in their own puddles of life and watched the ones that swore to hold me forever and protect me from harm, place my heart in a jar as a trophy or leave it in the cold mud to die. I fight a battle against my body, yet was never offered help or support when my body rejected itself. Just because something is physical, doesn't mean it doesn't shatter your mental health at the same time. I sit, and watch as the ones that stayed watch me lie to them, and they smile a fake smile and pretend, like I do, that everything is fine. I have watched, life take many innocent souls, and kick us when we are down. I watch, and i wait and i try to make a sanctuary, not for the world but for the few that are my world.