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[wolfguy13-blog]

“I always feel like I’m nobody”

Do you ever look at the mirror and ask yourself, “where are you going”. I’m at a phase in my life where I’m coming into the realisation that I’ve made many emotional decisions (I don’t regret them though) about staying/coming home to the family. What do I want? I’m unsure. I’m sure I touched upon how I feel like I have no purpose these days after graduation. I gave a few interviews, but the jobs didn’t feel right. I might be overestimating my worth but I want something better than what I’ve been offered.

My heart is confused because now I’m considering the possibility I might have to go back to Canada to get some work experience. A part of me really wants it, because I have friends and I think I’m happy there due to my freedom. But then again, it’s hard for me to leave everyone behind again. I’m constantly thinking about it and I feel these days I’m not needed by people who needed me before. All my cousins are busy with their spouses/to be spouses and even my aunt whom I’m close to has gotten busy with my cousins fiancé whose practically there everyday and a part of me feels replaced. That’s not bothering me that much, but I feel like everyone is okay if I’m not with them. I came back because I thought people needed me, but I’m just existing and not reaching out for my happiness.

But what is my happiness? Everything is going so fast and I feel like my life is withering away. This is why I always wished to drift away because I lost purpose. My desires and emotions I had while I was studying aren’t theee anymore or atleast have hidden away till I leave. I can honestly say I’m not happy these days. All I’m enjoying is my gym time and my piano lessons. I miss laughing with my friends and feeling important due to small things like being invited to a party. It made me feel wanted and fulfilled because they liked me for me, and not due to their relationships with me.

I know I sound ungrateful but I’m honestly stumped. Should I stay? Should I go to Canada? Should I go to Japan (lol)?. Is being selfish okay? Will anything bad happen while I’m gone? These fears and insecurities are eating me up slowly inside and I can’t find my emotions anymore. I’m as numb as I used to be back in that year in university I took some therapy. I’m on autopilot and I need control of my life. I wish that I had a dream or a goal that I could fulfill. I’m in a freefall and I can’t stop. No one understands my struggle and I feel alone.

Let’s say I go back, it’s not like a job is waiting for me in a red ribbon. I will have to search and there will be waiting time. I mentioned it to my dad and he said I need to plan it. I feel guilty because he’ll have to spend money on me me to stay in Canada. Should I be selfish? Should I try to find a job where I am and hope everything clicks? I make new friends, I enjoy my work, and I’m fulfilled? Is that okay for me to want these things? I realise my problems are emotional but I really wish I could find that one compromise that I’ll be okay with! But I guess it’s not up to me. I’ll wait it out a bit and feel the water here and hope for the best!

Even writing here makes me feel more determined, so on that note I’ll call it a night. I’ll keep trying. I won’t give in to sloth and I will find meaning in my life. I have to.

Till the next thought tsunami,

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

“But I know, I know, life can be beautiful. I pray, I pray, for a better way. We were kind before, we can be kind once more”

Wow! It’s been a hella long time since I lasted posted here. As much as I try to make happy posts here, I don’t. I usually post here when I have no where to vent to about the drama and sadness in my life. So let’s change that and add one postive note at the end of my rants lol. So here we go!

I got my Canadian citizenship in January (which is great) and I was in Canada for a while to manage everything! I was meeting my friends and even visited my uncle (dads cousin) for a day or 2, because I didn’t want to stay there too long as I know his dad wasn’t happy about me being there due to his paranoid delusions. This point is important and one of the biggest headaches I have nowadays. Anyway, I came home end January’s and have been job hunting (which requires way more patience than I have) for the whole of February and April and now I heard back from Pepsi about some internship which starts in the summer! I have no idea how unemployed people spend their time because Im going crazy! The only thing constant in my life is me focusing on my fitness and going to the gym! Then that’s it. I go early in the day, come back by 1. Eat lunch, then I’m a waste for the whole day! I mean this would be great if I was on vacation, but now it feels like I’m wasting my life!

I really miss my friends in Canada. I have family here which are pretty much all who I hang out with but they’re not my friends. They’re not people who enjoy my company for me, but rather since I’m related to them they like me! I miss Ari, Alice, Rui, my kawaii juniors at western university, my other friends and the list goes on! A part of me wants to go back and work there but staying away from my little brother for such a long time isn’t something I can handle right now! He needs someone to give him lectures and make sure he’s on the right path and I guess I have to do that. Lol. But maybe once he’s older and ready for college I’ll be able to move, but probably not because I’ll be married then ugh. Also future me who I reading this, if you are suffering from your job jay remember you were losing your mind when you weren’t doing anything! Keep a goal and stick to it!

Speaking of marriage, I’m now the talk of the family because of some fake scandal! My grandmothers brother (yes the crazy paranoid one) visited her and accused me of inviting his daughter in law to a hotel while I was in Canada. This was a huge accusation and my grandma got super upset and they’re not speaking anymore. I got called that night and they were like stay away from that psycho woman. This is where I question my people reading skills because apparently my uncles wife has been telling stuff to her father in law ( they’re both here and my uncle is in Canada). She told him about some cousins of mine messaging her in private etc etc and the old man (since he already has doubts on me) thought I was into her and he told someone and someone told someone else and now the whole family has heard that I had an affair with that girl. Like HOLD UP FAMS WTF. My 24 year old virgin ass hasn’t even dated anyone yet and now I’m inviting married women to hotels ewwwww.

It’s been stressful and I’ve thought about it several times. I’ve been mad, I’ve laughed at it, and I’ve even had pity on the old man as he’s so lost in his mind he’s playing in that woman’s sneaky hands. Also apparently the woman was influenced by her mom who keeps telling her to leave my uncle and her child and now she W believes it. She’s telling people she’s gonna leave my uncle and her son and everyone’s just like wtf you cray cray. This accusation has stressed out my grandmother so I’m doing my best to separate my feelings and helping them reconcile because they’ve lost so many siblings (you could count them on both hands) and there are only 3 left. My granny is mad but will be okay if he comes and apologises and takes the accusation back. This is all good and well but why am I in the middle of this shit storm with that crazy girl!

I was really mad today and I spoke to my grandmothers sister who told me that the old man didn’t spread this so i don’t need to involve other relatives. But alas, everyone thinks I had an affair and I’m trying to trust they won’t believe it (which so far I heard some people denied it, so that’s good). Also I have so much free time that this thought pops up while I’m trying to sleep, so I’m mad at myself too!

I’m a little sad because my dad told me that be thinks we won’t be able to go on holiday this year either. I mean, I’m employed in the summer (fingers crossed) I doubt I was gonna go, but my little brother deserves a break! Also I heard my cousin in the states is super fit now and I saw a picture and he’s lost so much weight! That’s sparked my competitive soul and now I’m much more focused at the gym so that’s a plus maybe? There! I added a few positive points into my post haha.

Also this month and next month are always hard for me because it’s my brothers death anniversary in April, and my mother’s in May so maybe that’s why im on edge. I can’t say I’m happy right now but I hope that changes soon. Sometimes I think of what my dads friend once said about his son, that he was never happy after coming back from abroad and I was so sure I wasn’t gonna be like that. But now I’m thinking twice. Where did my drive to come back go? Why do I get so emotional when I leave my country? But when I’m here, I can’t be bothered. I’m definitely lost right now. But here to hoping I get back on track and find some fulfilment in my life! (Earning money in a 9-5 job till you die? sounds worse than death!). I should totally focus on my side business huh.

Thanks for reading, “let’s make this beautiful”

Cheers,

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

Slice Of M turned 2 today!

[wolfguy13-blog]

“All the promises I made

Just to let you down.

You believed in me, but I'm broken”

Long time no post! Is this a dead page? Who knows? Is it a page? Nah, more like a diary. It’s 2:30am so guess what that means!! Another sad update!! So many things have happened, so many things are happening and I’m lost in the middle. Maybe a trip to wonderland would be nice right now.

It’s been a month since I’ve been back and I’ve been in this constant haze, stuck in motion, not coming or going anywhere in life. The time to make decisions is looming in and I don’t know what to do with my self. Guess ill start shouting out my issues since I don’t where to start and I’ll add more if it’s necessary. *deep breath*. Here we go.

I just graduated and I feel lost and sad and confused. My graduation was something I talked to with my late mother and skipping convocation was just another way of but facing my reality. I know I’ve been telling people excuses like I can’t go because my family is busy and all that stuff but it’s only kinda partially true. I would break on stage for sure if I went. I can’t come to the reality that I’ve gotten this far without her guiding and supporting me. What do I do now? I never talked to her about anything after college because it just seemed too far an event and I thought we had more time. I have no one to vent to and even if I do I don’t know how to start. Who can guide me? My aunt? My cousin? I don’t know. Im practically unemployed right now I guess.

My desire to study law seems like a lifetime ago and it comes back in waves. Calm and then heavy as I dive more into the business job hunting world. Is there a guarantee I’m seeing for employment that exists with law that I don’t see with business. I’m scared and lost and I don’t know what to hold on to. I’m not facing my issues and I’m pressing forward ignoring anything coming my way. I need to face up to my problems that’s why I’m writing it all down.

Ever since I’ve been back I realised all my friends are in Canada and I’ve told them goodbye and I’m practically friendless. I have no one but cousins here, but I can’t over step. I wanted to study law here just so that I could also make friends as well but it seems too petty for that. I’m hesitating to take a proper job because I have to go back to Canada anytime before January to accept my citizenship so even if I did a job I would have to quit or leave it to go for a month potentially.

My dads super busy with his elections and barely has time to spend with us and with them being a month away he’s extremely busy. I tried helping him when I was at the village and I felt really good but I just wanted to go back to my room, my incomplete life in the city with no friends, but comfort and privacy. What is wrong with me? My brother and I have been practically arguing 4 out of the 6 days we’ve been traveling to my moms parents place and I try to tell him things while keeping myself calm but I feel like it always backfires and it’s pointless because he does whatever I tell him not to, again the next day. He’s not the same little kid I knew before and he’s growing up and I’m worried about the type of kid he’s going to be.

My skin has been flaring up really really bad and my allergies are terrible as well. I’ve been in pain most of the time I was in the village but I’ve been trying to keep it to myself because I don’t want everyone thinking I’m always complaining about something. I’m conflicted. I also have to decide whether to go to the village tomorrow or the city. I really want to go to my own room and life but a part of me is telling me to go the village and go help my dad out if I can for a few more days. But I’m breaking. I want to go to house. The place I feel comfortable and content. Not the family home where there is never any privacy and I’m constantly meeting people and sitting with random strangers and getting bored out of my mind. Yet no one seems to care, at least not openly. I’m probably being petty but it is what it is.

I really want to go back. I want to find an internship, I want to go back to the gym, I want to go meet my “friend” and aunt, i want to go to a doctor to get my acne treated, I want to be at ease. Is it so wrong?

The benefit to going to the village is that I can go to visit certain people I didn’t in my last trip and my little brother can go spend time with his grandparents cause he misses him and then he’ll be alright. Going to the city is more selfish of me, but my brother can continue his taekwondo and meet my aunt.

Besides these issues, certain things have been looming around in the back of my mind for a whole since I’ve been back. I’ve been constantly reminded of my older brother at different times. For example, I found a poem someone wrote about his death in my dads drawers when I was looking for something for my dad. I found his pictures in the village dressers from when he was a baby. One of the families I went to in my fathers stead mentioned him a lot and even my mother too. I keep thinking about how the poem mentioned him to be possessing all the qualities of a family head and someone who would take over for his family. I don’t have those qualities and I feel more like how I felt before around his death. I’m not him. I can never be him. He was the person who should’ve graduated before me. He should’ve been out helping my dad with his elections. He’s the one who everyone should have discussed about his marriage with. Not me. I’m not him. I can never be him. I sometimes wish again and again that maybe I should’ve died instead of him. Maybe he could’ve done better than I have. Maybe my mother would’ve still been here as she didn’t lose her first born child and wouldn’t have been as distraught and depressed if I had been the one to go. Where is my life going anyways? He could’ve taken care of my younger brother better than me. Guided him better, loved him better, taught him better? I know I’m getting really emotional but I’ve been in limbo for a month now and I’m sick of it. I can’t do this all by myself... can I? I feel like I’m falling in a deep silent body of water with nothing calling me from either side. Should I swim if I don’t know where to go? I need to be restored.

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

“In the endless night, I have but one wish. A shining light amidst this starless sky”

Well well well. Look who it is. it’s me after months lol. For some reason (life basically), I stopped needing to journal about everything going on. I would like to say that its because I was living in the moment, which is kinda true, with a touch of laziness ofc. What made me log in today? Don’t beg, i’ll tell huehuehue. I am barely two weeks away from graduation and it feels like i’m reaching a fork in the road. “Where am I going?”, I ask myself. I’m officially gonna graduate soon and what will I do after? I’ve been saying I wanted to pursue a law degree but I’m losing traction. The other option is to start looking towards the food sector of life. I could try entering the food business, try to one day start my own cafe and maybe things will work out from there? Is that being to hopeful. Why am I losing faith in my abilities and everything I do? Am I truly incapable of doing something and am I just talk? 

These questions circle around the back of my mind and idk what to do with them. My friends support my idea of looking at the food business. but it just feels like i’m not good enough. This doubt is like a seed in my head which will grow larger until it takes over or destroyed. Yes i’m being dramatic, but what would you expect lol? Something that triggered me is why my cousin told my grandparents that I should get a job. What does that mean? Does it mean she thinks i’ll slack off? Does she mean I should get some experience in the summer or does she mean I should just generally get a job? First, it’s annoying because I don’t like these type of things being discussed when i’m not present and second, it’s especially annoying  if someone is telling me to do something I was already gonna do. My inner rebel just ignited a fire but I’m not stupid enough to forgo my future career just to spite someone. I’m a bit irritated though... Am I being unreasonable? Maybe. But it could have been framed better. My ambition is strong and I will snap out of this myself. I just don’t need someone being pushy because I always push back. Childish as it is, I will form my own path. See, writing this down i’m already getting fired up!! On a plus note, I’m grateful I made such good friends in university. I won’t take them for granted. promise. 

Maybe I’ll be the shining light amidst this starless sky? 

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

"The sorrowful gust of wind that blew right between you and me. Where did it find the loneliness it carried in the breeze?"

Over a month since the last post! I’ve been busy and lazy and mostly busy so I never had much time to post here! I have a midterm tomorrow, an assignment due Tuesday, Aikido belt test Wednesday, and a midterm on Thursday! Then free for reading week! Anything happen in January you ask? Ummmm I don’t think so? Maybe? There was lots of league, socials, board games, work outs with Rui, JSA mini dramas, the Toronto trip, and new friends! Oh that one weekend a boy and a girl thought I was cute on two different occasions so that was flattering lol. Otherwise not too much. Well even if it was I’m super tired and typing for the hell of it ahaha. Maybe I’ll start updating more frequently soon enough! I think the only thing occupying my mind is where I want to go after graduation. Hm. Where oh where can I go? Should I go? Can’t go to Japan because Temur won’t be there then (sadness) so maybe Europe? Eh? Idk. We shall see.

For now, goodnight for its almost 2am…

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

“I'd rather be a comma than a full stop”

I cant believe an entire week has gone by since exams ended and now its new year’s eve! There was so much going on since I got home that I’ve just been stuck in motion. Mustafa left for uni, one of my friends got married, and it took me 5 days to meet most of my relatives... I think. I’ve been constantly going out to eat and have totally avoided going to the gym successfully LOL. I was pretty much fine throughout, a little tired due to the jet lag which just doesn’t want to let me go aha. There were times when I felt a bit lost and emotional, mostly anger but nothing too out of bounds. 

I’ve been in this state of confusion and I can’t really put my finger on why? Maybe it’s because my friends aren’t in the country anymore and home feels lonely without them here. At this point I have more friends back in Canada and that just causes issues to me regarding balance. I always assumed my friends at home would be there forever since I have spent so many years with them and they became a part of me. But then again, I always knew they were going to leave home one day and I kinda just avoided looking at that possibility in order to hurt myself less. I do have family members here but I just feel a bit out of place sometimes. Maybe it’s just me? Can't say. 

Another thing which might be bothering me is the whole dilemma with me getting married. It’s basically I don’t want to right now and people want me to get married. It’s not their decision to make whether I am ready and whether I should or not. Its mine. I guess I am being a little selfish by not finding someone to take care of our household because my grandmother won’t be here forever. My dad asked me about my plans after university and this came up. I guess the way I acted caught him off guard because he’s never really tried to know me on the inside and what my thoughts are on things. Did he expect me to just say yes and jump on that bandwagon like a good little boy who always listens to what the family asks him? He was wrong if he did. Just because I’m obedient and always try to have a sense of duty does not mean I don’t have my own will and stubbornness to go with it? I am my mother’s son I won’t always go with the flow and other’s expectations. I will always fight for what I believe in and also for myself and this is a part of that...

Next question arises about who it would be? A cousin? A friend? someone I haven’t met yet? I don’t know. I’m hesitant about the cousin part because there is growing evidence that cousin marriages are a solid cause of abnormal births occurring. I don’t think for someone I care about, I would want a life like that for them. It’s different if it happens if you go through that since you're fated to go through that. But if you married your cousin and it happens it's just like you're asking for it... Does that make sense? Maybe even a little? (I speak of cousin marriages so casually because it is a norm in the Eastern side of the world so please don’t get your knickers in a bunch teehee.)

All these things made me think about one of my cousins and I went through it all in my head. I asked myself whether I would be okay with her? I would, but would she? I look at her like a sister so I’m unsure I could see her any other way. That's just too awkward man. I also think she deserves better than me. She doesn’t need the damage and baggage I carry on my back  and she deserves a happy life which I’m not sure is what she’ll find with me. Maybe I’m just not worth loving and maybe I can’t be the best version of me which would keep someone happy? Self doubt circles around my head like the earth orbits the sun, sometimes hidden by the clouds, and sometimes clear as day. It’s one of those clear days right now. Why am I bringing myself down so much right now? I need to snap out of this funk and get myself back to the point of clarity. I’m gonna go spend new years with my aunt and hopefully talking with her might bring me back to the right point and let me start this new year with the right mindset. Yes, I can do this. This year gave me lots of good memories and I will hold on to them tightly. 

I’m glad everything happened the way it did, 

M

Happy new year :’)

[wolfguy13-blog]

"Exiting the solar system we join as parallel lines. We're extending just like our shadows: a parallel line"

Wow this actually was a jump from my previous post. I kinda stopped posting because I started focusing on studying for finals and not much was happening socially. Well Rui and his girlfriend came to gym with me a bunch of times and I think I’m getting comfortable around him now in a friend-like way. Jsa was hosting a bowling thing and I originally wasn’t going because I had an exam on Sunday and it was on that Friday. Rui and his girlfriend sat with Alice and I after gym and kinda discussed it. Alice pushed me to go and so I did! On the day I went to campus early with Alice so I could grab the bus to go to the bowling place. Rui had a ride originally with Courtney but that changed later. We bumped into them on the way and they were studying so we just walked onwards. When it was my time to go I realised I fucked up and forgot my bus pass. I was gonna walk home to get it because I wasn’t paying $6 for a round trip! Alice has a chance to bus back but she acted like a true friend and walked back with me. So kind of her lol! On my way to the bus stop I messaged Rui and told him I forgot my bus pass and walked towards the bus stop. He replied that Amir was driving him so I should message him. I kinda did but I changed my mind mid way.

I finally got there on time and it was just about to start. Rui pulled me over to his side where him, Amir, TD (new friend whose in post grad) were going for bowling. I played it casually but was super happy because I felt like I belonged so that was good! Bowling was so fun and I won the first round!! Imagine that!! It was really fun supporting each other and just bonding. I came second last in the next one before TD who was playing really badly lol. He was really nice though! We then went for glow golf after and Rui went with his girlfriend And her friend. It was 3 at a time so it was us 3. I had loads of fun there too and enjoyed both of their companies (Amir and TD). I won glow golf lol!

When we were done Amir offered me a ride and drove to loblaws to get food. I spoke to Alice and got her a drain cleaner, brownies and dumplings for myself lol! Amir got his rotisserie chicken and we left after. He dropped me at luxe, I thanked him for the ride, told TD it was nice to meet him and went on my way! I’m glad I went to bowling and will definitely drag my family out to bowl when I go back for the holidays!!

Skip forward to today and Rui hasn’t really come to gym since he’s been busy and it was Ari’s Christmas party and I finally met the infamous boyfriend. I stuffed myself with cheese and enjoyed cheeses pasta. Imagine being lactose intolerant at that party lmao someone would’ve starved hehe. I had so much cheese I think I’ll go into a food coma ugh. I gave Ari a mug and a card for her Christmas present. We chilled, ate food, took pictures, and went back home! On the way back Alice and I bumped into Jordan and chatted the whole way home and I finished my multiple choice questions and short answers I was in the middle of before going to the party *sobs*. It’s 2:46am why am I not trying to sleeeeeep I’m exhausted! Oh did I mention I started getting into crypto currencies now and invested like $280 into different stuff. Hopefully it will take off… Eh?

But that was it for major updates and I’ll probably continue to post after I beat the triple threat of exams coming my way and during my trip home for the holidays.

P.S: Also if anyone cares I’ll start adding artist and songs that I use in my titles into my tags if anyone’s curious ahaha.

I’ll catch up with you then,

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

25 posts!

[wolfguy13-blog]

“Wherever you are, I'll always make you smile. Wherever you are, I'm always by your side’

As the last party of this college term comes to an end and exams begin next weekend I can say I made a lot of great memories with everyone! I didn’t really do anything productive today and went to the mall with Alice as she had to return a book and I had to find a sweater for the christmas party at Rui’s place. Lets just say all I got was a phone case for my cousin, multivitamins, and a Nandos sandwich which I devoured as soon as we got back. No sweater though! Post lunch, I wasted time by watching a movie and just talking with Alice.I saw 13 Assassins which I wanted to see for a while and it was a good watch. Lots of action and seppuku happening lol. Around 7:30pm I started getting ready for the party and after much changing I finally found the right clothing article as I was wearing clashing colours and was trying to get the red and green combo going for the party. I ended up wearing a green henley and khakis with a santa hat so that was something ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I was kind of hesitant to go because for some reason I was really tired today. Obviously when I asked Alice said not to go. I already told Rui I was gonna go so I couldn’t not go as I always do what I say. sigh. But actually I’m glad I did. I really wanted bubble tea so I got that first. I kinda figured out Rui doesn’t really drink alcohol so I offered to get him a bubble tea as well. He asked for a small but that just made me get him a large one because I knew he was just being nice by asking for the smallest. I treated myself with a large by accident and him as well. I forgot there was a regular size haha and spent $12. meh. I reached the party at 8:45pm and it was really docile at first, but got pretty hyped as more people came and started drinking. The tea was great by the way. Bless the Hokkaido milk tea. 

I just stuck to my bubble tea throughout and played “beer pong” again which is actually water pong because there’s no beer involved heh. I had a lot of fun at the party and everyone was pretty nice! I got to bond a bit more with Rui and enjoyed everyone’s company! Drunk people are funny to hang out with and I was happy the way I was. One girl was pretty blacked out drunk tho lol. Jim finally got his wish to get drunk by drinking 4 locos and was just doing his won thing whatsoever. Courtney (Rui’s girlfriend) also fit right in and played beer pong so competitively it was funny. She’s pretty nice actually but when she laughed for 5min straight after Rui smashed into the wall was actually funny as It’s something I would do ahaha. 

I intended to stay till 12:00am, then that went to 12:30am and then it went to 1:30pm… so it was just Angel and I busing together back on the mustang express/drunk bus. Well, waiting together because she had to go on the other bus lol. We talked about how fun the party was and how Rui had to do the cleanup after lol. I got a shawarma from Mena’s shawarma after the party because I hadn’t had dinner and was starving! Reminder, it was a solid 6/10 but whatever. I got home at 2am and ate it with the leftover hot sauce from Nando’s and its 3:13am and I should be knocked out now! This is how I mess up my schedule ahhhhh. but yes, it was great fun and i’m glad I went out and attended! 

P.S: that song lyric in the title is from that one ok band which everyone was singing when they were drunk and I didn’t have any other song in my head I wanted to use so theres that piece of information. 

The more you know… you know?

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

“I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground. And I'm hearing what you say, but I just can't make a sound”

So I went gyming with Rui today. Thank you, thank you, please hold the applause. when i started the day I like to believe I got some good sleep. I did lie down by 1:40 and woke up at 11am so I hope I did. I got up, went to the gym and did a decent amount of workouts. Afterwards, I got ready, ate some cookie crisps and a slice of bread and left for class! I bought a ticket for the Yule ball before class and met Reva and Chiara there. I made chatted with them for a bit then ran off to class. It was the last class of the term and i participated mediocrely meh. After class I went to the library to get my documents signed for the Citizenship application thing. It took a while but I finally figured it out. I bought a clif bar, some sliced chicken, and bubble tea. I went to the conversation circle earlier than expected and ended up helping them out with the setup  of tables lol. I spoke to Rui about his weekend and he asked me if he could come to work out at my building later and I said sure. I didn’t have the heart to say no because I already worked out in the morning heh. The conversation circle was mostly me doing my assignment for HR and in the end, socialising with the people. 

i bussed home with Mike and he told me all about China and how it’s so much more advanced than London and it sounded like another advanced world! After I got home, I just practiced my guitar and waited for Rui to come. He reached around 8:45pm and already was downstairs before I knew it. He brought his girlfriend along too. yes, his girlfriend. He apparently met her 2 weeks ago and they’re together now lol.  She was nice tho. And incase you were wondering, no I wasnt jealous or anything since I dont like him that way, please fam! I told him I already worked out but still tried to give him help when he needed it with spotting. I think I destroyed my arms lol. In the end, us 3 went to the side room and did core exercises. After trying, It became clear I don’t have a core essentially LOL. gotta work on that!

After they left, I ordered sushi with Alice and even got my towel back from Jordan! I updated her on all my weekend activities and showed her the stuff I bought on Black Friday hehe. After a decent meal, we called it a night and here I am now! Yes I feel better about the Rui situation because he’s doing friend stuff with me and as I said, that would be the point I would stop pining over him and I feel like it’s less corrosive on my mind now! Or maybe the weekend in solitude brought me to my senses haha. 

Well, gonna log out and get ready for tomorrow! Well today now… Sigh. 

Peace, 

M 

[wolfguy13-blog]

"Now here I lie on my own in a separate sky"

Friday update: a whole bunch of nothing! I woke up late and decided to message Rui to come work out with me because Alice was away for the weekend. He replied he was in Toronto and I then went myself. I asked him a few questions like whether he went to visit family or was it a work thing. He said to visit the fam and then I asked how often he went and he said he tried to go once a month. So at this point I stopped messaging because it was very interrogative and one sided questioning so I just sent a “fair enough :’)” and moved on with my life. After I got back from the gym I finished most of my assignment to get the work count then just chilled. I messaged Jordan later if he wanted to hang on yeh evening and he said he’ll let me know if he can tomm. I was like ok. He had a cousin over so was prob busy. That’s all I did. I watched this shows, thought about why Rui doesn’t ask me anything and debated whether this friendship is worth it or not. It just feels weird to not be asked anything, it’s like the other person isn’t interested in your life. Maybe it’s just the way he typed which made me feel like I was just bothering him meh. Then again he makes all “guys” feel like that so whatever. I chatted with Cassandra on messenger all day and that kept me occupied mostly. We caught up, well I caught up with her life and decided to catch up In person soon too! I tried to eat things but I just stopped feeling hungry since the Friday adventure. But I ate the leftover pasta and sauce and the left over chicken so it was pretty filling. I think I’m getting malnourished because win not eating green or red stuff eh. I’ll eat carrots today lol. I made sure to eat something for breakfast. 2 bananas and tea. I’ll eat cereal after and an apple maybe? Damn that tea was great. Anyways, I bought a game on the ps4 because it was $6 and just played that. I even played some guitar and mostly spent a quiet day by myself. It feels weird because I’m so used to being with people and being alone just gives me stupid thoughts. Sigh. I slept late and woke up late but maybe it’s good to collect myself after a long few weeks. Maybe I’ll update tonight if anything exciting happens, maybe I won’t ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Later,

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

"Don't you know the world shines every time you smile? Why can't you just smile?"

That was probably the longest Friday I’ve had in a long long time! I woke up by 11. Went to the gym at 12pm and then showered by 2pm and left for Masonville by 2:45pm. I had to go to get sweaters for Meher and my grandfather and I got super sidetracked! I think I bought more stuff for myself than anyone else lol. I got myself a Henley, a sweatshirt,2 sweatpants , a superman T-shirt and beanie, and a Daniel Wellington watch… And the presents I got were two shirts for the brother and sweaters for Jannat, Meher, dad and grandpa. Haha

Keep in mind I hadn’t eaten at all and went to the book store at 5:45pm to grab my brothers Lego set that he wanted. By 6:00pm I found it it wasn’t there then I ran to loblaws to get down thing for the Dumbledores army party and some foods for myself. I spent $400 today. Ouch. Mostly savings too. Not including the $230 watch lol.

My phone died at the bookstore so once I got my groceries I had no way to get an uber. I thought id go to the bus stop in front of the mall to grab a taxi but there weren’t any and my phone was dead. Luckily I grabbed a bus which dropped me at the main gates and I walked back to the apartments. I got back at 6:35pm and ran upstairs and changed as aikido was at 7pm and I wanted to go. By 6:48pm I literally ran half way to the recreation centre and reached on time because the class before aikido was late. And then sensei made us run more and I wanted to just give up. When did I eat? That gap when I got home I bit a few pieces of chicken I bought to put in the pasta lol. I was so done lmao. After aikido ended at 8:35pm I ran back home, threw pasta in a pot, showered, got ready, mixed the pasta, and Ubered to the party because I missed the bus… Woops. Extra $10 to my bill please thank you very much.

You’re probably wondering why I went to the party or aikido when I was so tired but I committed and wanted to do it all this term so no take backs! I don’t quit or give up remember ha!

As soon as I got to the party, I didn’t know anyone! I casually made conversation with people but was kind off lost. You know what those buzz feed quizzes ask what you do at a party. I was scared of being the lonely solo person so I tried being active! Luckily for me Harry Potter trivia started lol! I tried to play but like knew 4/15 questions but too late of course. Sorry Gryffindor I couldn’t get you any points haha.

I bounced after a few questions and started nibbling and talking to a few people near the table. Then Nina came! Ok so Nina was the person I met at the annual general meeting/sorting ceremony and was glad to see a familiar face. We hung and slowly we started interacting with other people! I met Reva’s friend Chiara since Reva was no where to be found. I wanted her to come because I didn’t know anyone else at the party originally but things did work out. She was drunk but so cute and very extra. Very Slytherin btw lol. I met a few drunk people but didn’t really drink at all throughout. 100% sober promise!

I interacted with a lot of people in my house and actually really enjoyed my time. My pasta was a joke and I just laughed as it was the only food item and everyone bought snacks. Then there were no forks so It was a hilarious running joke for a bunch of people. I went with the joke but I knew I ducked up when they said potluck and brought real food lmao. This joke made me meet a bunch of other people and i had a great time! I added 4 others people on snapchat and had a dope time.

I bussed back with Nina and few others from the party joined up as we were all taking the drunk bus. I said my goodbyes, came home and I’m so tired guysssss. But it was worth it. I’m proud I did this and wouldn’t want it any other way. No regrets right? I’ll keep trying!! (Aren’t you proud of me for not talking about Rui? I am. Oh wait I got an invite for a Christmas party for the jsa at his place. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I tried lol)

Mischief managed, M

[wolfguy13-blog]

"Future me I haven't met, there's gonna be some pain. It's good to feel something."

When I look back at this year’s posts I’ll chalk them up to emotional instability due to being in my last year. (At the moment it still feels like the real deal sadly lol). I’ll admit I asked for these stupid emotions. After spending 2-3 years as emotionally hollow in university I used to pray that I feel my emotions when I’m in Canada and that’s exactly what happened and I’m back to being a frickin hormonal teenager again. Bro, you’re 23 stop receding back to 17. Sigh. What will I do with myself. Future me promise me you won’t regret asking for this because you now have it full force!!

Anyways, I spent yesterday working on my assignment for HR and then went to dinner and a movie with Ari after law class. We saw justice league! We all know I went for my fav. Superman and he didn’t disappoint this time like B vs S which was basically Bs. No pun intended. I liked the movie, but like I would give it a solid 7/10. The first avengers was better lol. We went to the keg later and had appetisers. OH WAIT I HAD ESCARGOT ACCIDENTALLY BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST MUSHROOMS. ILL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS ARI!! I was really tired yesterday though and once again Mr. Rui invaded my thoughts because I was invited to a wings night by the jsa and I looked at whether he was going or not. Wow. So stupid I am. And then I posted a story on Instagram and he saw it. This low key annoyed me because 1. He doesn’t use Instagram and 2. Why do I care? I was just pissed at myself again for thinking so much about him again. Like just leave my mind in peace please. But he didn’t. I even thought of sending him a message at night asking if he went but came to my senses and didn’t send it. What is wrong with meeeeee someone snap me out of this please. I’ll pay you. Ugh. I decided to send out a study offer and then decided i would do it spontaneously on Friday but… Like casually.

I don’t have anyone to hang out with on Saturday so I’m just feeling lonely and Alice won’t be here and neither would Ari. Lol. Maybe I’ll invite Jessie? He seems more likely to come and more fond of me anyways ahaha. (We all known I’m gonna message Rui first smh) *insert disappointed face gif here* I can’t believe my mood went down after dinner but I was tired and sat outside in the lounge thank God because I was just gonna be sad in my room alone in my bed. I called Alice out and casually talking with a her made me feel better. Then I joked that she can go to bed and I’ll go cry over Rui. Even my jokes are about him now. AHHHHH FUCKIN ELL.

Enough of that, today I actually accomplished something! I stayed in bed till 11:40pm and then I did a bit of my assignment and went to the gym. In my 22 *cough* 23 years of life I’ve never been able to do a pull up and I did 2 today!! *clapping* thank you! Thank you! I’m so proud I accomplished that. Hard work and determination did pay off! I still feel fat though. I kind of don’t want to go tomorrow and rest but depends whether Rui comes over Saturday and we gym. Atleast I’ll have some body part to do if he does pop up. Shit now I want Jessie to come instead and then I don’t have to gym lol. My lower back seems a bit strained so maybe I shouldn’t push myself harder than I need to. This weekends gonna be busy because 1. I have the aikido pie night social tomorrow and 2. Slug horns pot luck party is on Friday and I haven’t decided if I’m going or not yet. I only know Reva whose going but maybe I should put myself out there instead of thinking about Rui and hating myself for it. Aikido is till 8:30pm that day and the party is at 9:00pm. How do I go to both? Can I go a bit late to the party? It’s ending at 2 I think ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’ll decide tomorrow after scoping out the address of the party and what I’m gonna make and how to get there! It’s Thursday tomorrow so a whole day of class. Yay… D: The JSA is having its movie night at 7pm and they’re watching your name. Fuck. I wanted to see it again ah! Should I skip psych in near the end just so I can go say hi? (To Rui… *slaps own face*) to Jim and the rest of the people… Then I can go for the aikido social and beg for pie. Sigh I’ll have to make several decisions tomorrow. I hope I make the right ones for me.

I’ll let life be my guide and take me where I’m meant to go. Who knows, maybe good things could happen along the way?

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

"I'm sorry I can't be perfect"

Irritated with a touch of anger. That’s how I felt today. The day started slowly and class was a bore. I was really looking forward to the jsa conversation circle and yes I had fun but not in the way I expected. You know how I planned to bus back with Rui after class, well he left early lol. That’s not why I’m angry though! We didn’t really interact much and neither of us put in much effort to have a banter of words. Like that’s fine but like it’s annoying that I’m trying not to be pushy but I’m falling on the other side of the spectrum lol. You know what I finally figured out why all these thoughts exist because of that guy. It’s because he doesn’t reciprocate my… Well okay I don’t really do much for him to reciprocate but I because I put in so much thought about him and try to be nice to him and he doesn’t really show an extra interest in me besides the casual small talk it drives me crazy and makes me want more. So basically I want a friendship from him but since he doesn’t give it to me too much I want it more. Does that make sense? Like I’m a horrible human being because I know as soon as he starts being friends with me I’ll be over him. I can’t make him be my friend so it drives me mad. Don’t get me wrong when I say friend. He is my friend but a superficial one and I don’t want him to be superficial. I want him to be more but that’s my problem. I’m angry and annoyed at myself because I waste so much time thinking about him when I should be thinking about my friends who actually care about me non superficially.

I’m aware that I think about him at least once daily and I’m so done with that. I just want to stop that and move on with my life. What was I doing before he threw a wrench in my social life?? I don’t even remember. This has been going on since mid October and I’m so done with it!! I’ve come to the conclusion that only one of us can end it. Either he becomes a real friend or I stop feeling this way. The latter will take a while and probably I’ll be fine after the winter break but still hate this current status. I should think about my current real friends more and be grateful for them. I’m just being an ingrate. And what’s annoying is that he’s not even a girl so that bothers me more. Like it’s one thing to pine after a girl but a guy, and JUST TO BE FRIENDS. AM I STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL?? Dammit. I think those exams broke my mind lol. Man, what am I doing with my self? I need to snap out of it. I can’t believe I spent a month thinking about this dude. There’s nothing special about him anyways, just petty reasons for wanting to be his friend. Nothing spiritual or soul shaking happened so all that shit I sent about a soul connection seems like trash. Maybe I’m just bored that’s why God sent some annoying entertainment to keep me occupied. Sigh. I told my roommate my thoughts and I feel better. But I’m just gonna go all angsty and work out hard and get this irritation out of my system.

Someone give me something to punch,

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you... And I will hold on to you”

As this amazing weekend comes to an end with me doing nothing quite productive today and focused more on socialising and eating. I woke up today a bit on the tired side because I haven’t been getting enough sleep because of the travelling and me just being me. I finally got to meet Christina after 6 months and I was so happy to see her! She picked me up at 12pm and we went to Congee Chan for lunch and it was mostly just catching up and enjoying ourselves. She treated me to lunch and dessert at Sugar marmalade where I had a rematch with my dreaded red bean and… it won. It was delicious and we had a matcha egg waffle which was lit. She dropped me off home around 1:30pm and 2pm and we hugged after saying goodbye and hoping to hang out again before the year ends!

I came back and it was snowing by that time and it essentially snowed all day! I watched some anime with Alice (Ancient Magus Bride is my favourite anime of the year potentially) and then by 5pm decided to go nap LMAO. I tried to unwind for a while and returned to ife by 8:30pm all amped and ready. We watched some random shit then watched a movie (pitch perfect on her demand) and then Jordan messages me asking me to come try one of his wings haha. So i thought that okay, like how hot would these wings be? Those 2 poor white boys probably have low tolerance and I was fairly certain it wouldn’t be a problem. I was wrong. LOL. I ditched Alice at the last half of the movie and hung out with him and his roommate Mitch laughing at the wings and joking around. Damn, those wings were cold and freaking spicy!! I still feel them in my stomach!! LMAO. I had to take a spoonful of apple cider vinegar just to not suffer when i wake up/sleep. ah. But now I’m gonna try to rest again and then go to the gym tomorrow and try to survive tomorrows class and then go have fun with my jsa buddies. I wonder if I’ll ride home with Rui at night? Well I better plan some questions beforehand in order to avoid awkward silence, but im not too worried. Maybe I’ll ask about his family. Is that okay? Will he ask me about mine? I don’t think I want to bring them up yet, but I guess it depends on how life is tomorrow. This weekend was too good.

I loved every moment of it and will hold on to these memories forever, 

M

[wolfguy13-blog]

Is this what happiness feels like? The perfect weekend

What is this feeling in my heart I’m getting. There’s just so much I’m feeling that I don’t know how to let it out. Or maybe I’m having a heart attack who knows? This weekend has been so good for me I’m so grateful to feel all these things. Maybe I’m finally allowing myself to feel the things I always didn’t want me to feel and I don’t know how to deal with them, these new heart shaking emotions.

Started the day by going to the grocery store to buy stuff for the party and the rest of the week. Got back and cleaned everything thoroughly! Luxe is all sparkly and clean now! Food was ready by 4ish and I was ready for Rui to come so we could go to the gym. So I messaged him around 5:26pm asking if he was coming. He said he probably can’t make the workout and I asked him why? He said he was waiting for dinner… What lol. I asked him about the stuff I’m cooking what’s he gonna call that. He was just so lost and I thought that he clearly forget the pizza conversation we had yesterday. What is wrong with this dude memory I don’t know lol. So I told him I’m cooking so not to eat too much. And then I went for a quick gym run and got ready. Minami was the first to arrive and Jim arrived right behind her. I entertained those two (well mostly they entertained themselves) and then Ari joined and then everyone showed up one by one. The only person who didn’t knock was Rui and he just walked in like what is this lol. It was raining so everyone’s jacket was wet and I took em to dry in my room. I made sure I was a good host and interacted with everyone as much as I could. Honestly I barely gave Rui much attention as he was entertained. Alice also helped entertaining and I pretty much bounced all around the whole time ensuring everyone was fed and hydrated haha. We played some beer pong without the beer and some card games and it was really a lot of fun. Everyone enjoyed the pasta too but i don’t recall Rui eating it, maybe he was the only one who was full from earlier lol. But all in all I had a lot of fun and everyone had fun too (atleast that’s what they told me!) For the cake cutting I grabbed Jordan and Reva from their apartment and then did the whole cake and candles thing and everyone sung (it was awks). So apparently people blow the candles after everyone sings but I just do my own thing. I blew them out in the beginning and Rui lit them again at the end and I had the most confused expression on my face. Apparently I was the only one not in the know haha. Oh well. But then I chatted with Jordan and Reva until everyone left. I hugged them goodbye and thanked them for coming!

Ari, Alice and I cleaned up after the party and I messaged everyone thank you for coming and they all responded positively! I felt so happy to experience these things. I think because, it’s my last year I’m truly living in the moment and doing my best to make the most of these things with those I care about! All in all my heart is full and I will sleep with a smile on my face. It’s been a while since I’ve experienced this type of happiness in my university time but I’m so glad I did.

I love it all,

M