whathurtsme

[whathurtsme]

Hello Again

I wasn’t on here for a long time... Heh You might thought lifes got easier so i didnt have the need to vent, oh boy... How wrong you would be. Lifes got hectic, everything was flying around in unorganised mess, thumbling down the fucking hill. And it’s just gaining speed with every day. 

I dunno how long I will be able to just try and try and try to function normally, like there isn’t a dumpster fire following me wherever I go. 

I think I’m loosing drawing to top this shit up. It feels like my brain just can’t take any more in. I feel like my abilities regres instead of growing, I am tired of thinking, and it just gets worse and worse. Like I already used all what life gave me, and theres nothing left. I loved my creativity. I loved creating. 

For fucks sake it’s one thing I had, one thing that was going for me why they need to snatch even that away? What is happening? Why I can;t think of new stuff to draw, why evereything seems old, used and not worth doing. Why I can’t get myself to the tablet and just draw? Why my head gets empty every time I try, why I struggle to start doing something I fucking love. 

I feel worse and worse every day. I can’t function as good as few months back. Playing, drawing, writing just stopped giving me joy.

[whathurtsme]

Failure

I should be sleeping right now. But as you see it didn’t really went as planned, huh. I have work tommorow, I have no idea what will happen and I’m already freaking out even tho logically I do not have the reason to. What happened today tho, cos if I‘m writing here, there is something wrong. I had pretty good day. I rested, I watched bday stream of a person I absolutely admire, I even finished the gift on time and the atmosphere was so nice and loving. But my head needed to destroy it. Now I’m sitting i. The bathroom at midnight, trying not to sob or broke down cos I do need to work tommorow. I just feel so useless. My friend moved to the same company as me, which is great, they have much better perks and environment than I. The previous one. I am happy about it. But yet again, I got reminded that I am, indeed, a failure. Whenever she will go she became an absolute star while I sink every time. She is awesome, she works great, and I’m here, sitting and lamenting the fact that I can’t aparently even be mediocre at fucking cleaning job! It’s not a fucking rocket science for gods sake, it’s cleaning! I think I work like other coworkers, then I hear a rumor about me or someones being cold or rude or my boss telling me everything is fine but there’s something and I just can’t grasp it anymore. Like now, I don’t know anyone, but aparently half the people do not like me already. Why?! I am not even talking with most of them when they stick to their own groups, I understand not liking me instantly, but an active dislike when they didn’t even talk with me?! What the hell did I do? I came there to work, it to relive the high school again with all the gossip rumors and plain bullying! But it must be me… I really really would prefer not to, but I’m the only constant here am I? No one wants to tell me what I’m doing wrong, everything is always okay, but there’s always “something” that no one can point to or show me. I just can’t do anything. Someone once told me that I’m that one kind of person who just is useless in basically anyway it can be, and I think they were right. I’m not bad at art, but I can’t make a living out of it, I’m too scared to even try that. And I can’t do anything else good enough. Or good at all. I feel like it would just be best to lie down and never get back up again. It won’t change anything, but maybe it would just save exhaustion and nerves on all of the sides, not only for me. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t do anything right anymore. Everything I try just fails. And I can’t even explain to my best friend how I feel cos I know she don’t understand it at all and I’m afraid she wouldn‘t want to listen. Or understand. Or that she will and she will just leave cos it’s so fucking much already wrong with me I am amazed she stayed friends with me for so long.

I was going for therapy some time and I can’t get out of my head the phrase “you’re normally disturbed” that my therapist used to described me. If that’s how normal is, I don’t want it. If everything that’s sitting in my head is normal, I absolutely do not want to try and go on anymore cos this would be absolute torture to live like that for the rest of my life.

if that’s how it’ be I’d rather just don’t do it anymore. I already can’t make friends. I can’t talk with people without constant anxiety and a fight in my head over being cautious and wanting to trust people. Every time I open my mouth I relive the conversation for hours wondering if I didn’t offend or said something wrong and regretting uttering every single word. I’m tired. I want to rest. I need to rest. Im tired.

[whathurtsme]

12.08.2021

I can't seem to think about a title today, but since I got mentally stripped down by memes and sabotaged by my own brain, I think it calls for another post. After all, I didn't write in quite a while here. Are You wondering what the hell happened today? Well, let's begin with this day being kinda normal and not so disastrous at the start. Then the completely normal thing happened. I was suppose to meet with a woman, get from her a month communication ticket since she won't be using it and it has quite a few days on it. Ya know, I gave her some money, she gives me ticket, all dandy and nothin to worry, right? Well, tell it to me. Couse, of course, of fucking course, I started panicking at the thought of human interaction, and with the little helping hand of the fact that my friend told me recently about this woman being "sneak for the money", my inner self fabricated a whole fucking story about how I am absolutely for sure about to get scammed, the woman would fuck me over about the money for the ticket, and me being naive and useless me, would just go with it cos saying no to people is hard and everybody around me seems to think that I am being absolutely disrespectful rude and generally the worst human on earth by saying "No" to a favor. I imagined a whole story how I gave her the money, got the ticket, and it turned out the ticket wasn't working, we got into argument, how she complied and gave money back, how she not complied and we got into shouting match, I worked myself up so much while my 30 minutes drive to her for that one fucking ticket, over what literally turned out to be 2 minute conversation. Why am I like this? Why that kind of situations seem so hard? Why I dred making a phone call in any buisness of myself, be it booking something, ordering or calling in sick for work while I literally can't get out of bed. I got so nervous, stress and anxious I can't seem to function properly for the following few hours after this happens. And add to it when sometimes this conversation turn to be somewhat hostile like at my last job where calling in sick was treated like spitting in my ex-bosses face, I was unable to relax or get any rest since my body went into full fight-or-flight mode. Forget about getting some more sleep either. And the worst part about it is that this thing, this takes up majority of my spoons for the day. I'm just so exhausted I can't seem to have the energy to do even what I love or desperatly want to do. When I try to force it, it goes somewhat comparable to filling a bathtub with a spoon. Long, unefective and pointles.

Sometimes I feel like I am just going through days out of spoons already, digging up dirt instead of energy with my empty cutlery and somehow managing to not die in the process. And then comes up yet another thing I need to do, even on an empty energetic bucket of mine, and it's the most horryfying and tiring thing ever. I'm tired. All day, every day, since about a year. And I can't stop. ... Sweet nightmares.

[whathurtsme]

Here we go again

21.07.2021

Hello again.

Man, this is another shitty day for useless old me. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I was supposed to clean the house, to try and get a little better at my job, and I couldn’t. My lazy ass couldn’t just get up and do it, because, a surprise, I’m a useless piece of shit that can’t do anything right.

Everyone around me seems to think that, so hey, it must be true. I did some of what I planned, but for some reason I couldn’t get my head around to doing everything else. When I wanted to, I tried to plan out what I need to do next, I tried to just start but my head wasn’t cooperating at all. It’s not much I needed to do either for fucks sake! I just needed to vacuum, clean the kitchen and the bathroom. But then I was like, I can’t clean the bathroom now, I put on laundry I need to wait, I can’t vacuum I need to finish kitchen first, oh I don’t know where to start the kitchen, I’ll do the oven first. Then was I can’t start the kitchen I need to wash the dishes before.

I can’t seem to do something as easy as cleaning my own house for cryin out loud, what in the World got me thinking I can actually do this job?

I used to think that I’m pretty good. Not great, not awesome, but still good, at least good enough.

I apparently was totally wrong. I never was good, not even good enough. I’m useless at anything I try. So I just stop trying.

After all my friends mother was right, I am this rare bread of people who are absolutely useless in everything and anything that is to be.

Bye. Sweet nightmares.

[whathurtsme]

Impass

17.07.2021 Hi ya'll. 

I've been feeling strange since yesterday. It's the impass phase for me. I never wondered how to described it out loud since those aren't the worst of my moods, but it feels strange and kind of out of reality. It's like the whole thing is slowing down, but the days are running fast still. I'm not sad or in sorrow phase, but I'm definitely not happy or hyped either. Sometimes I just... exist at this times, nothing else. Hours pass, and even if I do something it feels so slow, so unreal. Like It would hang over the world and wait.

And when for me passes few minutes the rest of the world is few hours ahead already.

It's not active pain, but it's suffocating. Like the feeling right before you take a breath. When you're not yet in pain, but not comfortable at all. The melancholy makes me uncomfortable in the same way, but the state is different, for me.

And I don't know if after this will come painfully "world hates you" phase or euphoric "You'll got it!". That's not good also. It don't feel good. I'm starting to get anxious when I start analising it, or just overthinking it. And I can;t think about it without overthinking it which is kinda screwed up of me. My brain isn't very cooperative one I must admit. I can;t see much sense in anything I do, drawing, playing or even cleaning the house to get rid of some chores for depressive episode just in case if I won't be able to get my ass to wash the dishes again.

It's hard to explain, since it's not the "nothing makes sense" thing like when you're down and feel like everything and everyone is against you and you fail at every task. It's not that dark. It's just... impass. Lack of sad and happy, which... I don't know if I like that more than bad days or it scares me. I don't want to live like that. I don't want this days to become normal.

But I'd rather bad days won't become normal as well.

It helps having someone around. I don't like spending too much time with people, or groups of poeple, but I have few that I'm fine and happy with. I have my best friend that I like being around. She helps me, even tho she don't understand a lot, and it's hard to try and explain anything to her. But her presence is enough for now. I feel comfortable around her enough to live with her. So it's fine.

It helps, I think that is the most important part. Well. I think that's all I will be able to write out of that day. I hope it pass soon. Hopefully not right into depression stage 5, heh.

  Sweet nightmares.

[whathurtsme]

Monday Blues?

Today I encountered a slap in the face from my reality again. I am battling with my own head a lot lately, and while on the strike of "I'm just stupid and I just pity myself" I heard something that hit a little too close for comfort. I heard someones describe how they feel with their mental struggle and that trigger destroyed my private brick wall leaving me unprotected from my own mind. I know the way I write about it might seem highly over the top, but to be honest I really like this way of writing and since it's suppose to help me well... I will stick to it. I am in the middle right now, in beetwen wanting to get back to therapy and being terrified that it would kick me down like the first time I tried it. THe lady I was seeing wasn't bad, not generally but for me the sessions aside from one didn't help, and I couldnt communicate properly that we are talking about wrong stuff, the stuff I already dealt enough to keep them sane for now. In result, the more pressuring matters where lingering in the void and getting bigger and bigger. The triggering point for me was where I heard that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just normally disturbed. That in itself isn't something bad, and I really think it shouldnt be bad. But for me it sounded like the way I live now would be the way to live for the rest of my life and I got scared as hell. I don't want to force myself to get out of bed and just push through day every day of my life. I don't want to battle every day with myself, not knowing when I will break down again. I hate the fact that everyday I try to get out of bed first thing I need to swash away are doubts and everything I will for sure do wrong, every failure that might happened and my inability to do anything about it. The fact that the most frequent thought I think about myself is "Useless" and "failure" kills me everytime when I try to convince myself that that's not true. That it's impossible for a person to literally not be able to do anything right. But my brain don't work logicall like that. Not when I'm down, not when the worse day is up and everything is just feeling heavy. That's the best way I would be able to describe it, it's heavy. Whole world feels heavy around me. I think I do need help. But I can't mentally handle getting help in a form of therapy right now. I get anxious before every session, I'm in near panic for the fact that I would need to talk with someone. It's exhausting to engage in the conversation sometimes for me. When I'm already tired, or needed to talk with someone at my job or confront my boss, I can't handle another stressful interaction. And I don't want to reschedule. I don't want to loose money on session I didnt use. I get frustraded, I get scared, I force myself. And it wears me down. I don’t have diagnosis on what's wrong with me. But when I'm leaving my home, I'm functional. When I get to my work, I need to be functional, I need to do my job to get money becouse otherwise there is noone to provide for me. I need to be able to afford to live. The problem with "functional" is that people think everything is swell. They would dissmiss indirect asking for help as jokes, they will deem you weird. And when you ask point blanc, when you say you need help, a lot of them say "You're fine tho" or "You're overeacting", "You crave attention". I'm not broken enough to warrant fixing, but not normal enough to pass through. And I'm stuck in that state, feeling like a forever outcast, faking to belong and trying not to fucking go crazy in my own head. I'm scared to talk about it to my best friend, couse she don't understand a lot of it. I'm scared she would leave me, I'm scared she would dissmiss me, I'm waiting for her to realise how much of a burden I am and ran away leaving me alone. That's why I decided to wrote that. Writing to myself, talking to myself about it is not enough anymore. So I would write into internet void. I would archivise my toughts and maybe I will be able to explain to people how I feel without forgeting it mid sentence. Maybe it will help. I don't think it would make it worse, so what's the harm in trying? Anyhow. I think it's enough for today. For this one. If anyone would read this, stay safe and all. Be happy. Go hug your loved ones. Remind them You love them. You never know who might need this today. Sweet nightmares.