viridiaxnse

[viridiaxnse]

I don't recognize myself.

This is not Marvel-related in any way. I needed to vent a little.

I don't recognize myself. From the adult body shape to the personality changes that have appeared overnight. I wonder sometimes who I am? Is it just a part of growing up or do I not like the person I've become and am continuing to become? Why can't I be alone? Why is male validation suddenly the marker of how happy I am? I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Where did my fishnet leggings and Adidas sneakers go? And why have they been swapped for white new balances and cardigans? A light swipe of mascara suddenly is much makeup for me and I used to wear lashes I couldn't even see through. I'm losing interest in Marvel and things 17-year-old me loved. I suddenly feel content when my laundry room is filled with detergent and I have an urge to do dishes instead of editing a new video for TikTok. I'm losing patience in finding a partner. Why do I feel mature and ready for stability however men my age still don't have jobs or cars.

Maybe it's just where I am looking but where am I supposed to find a man that wants that slow peaceful life when I live in a society that normalizes fucking after knowing each other for two minutes or less.

I know being nice and kind is a rarity these days but I'm losing the ability to keep saying "It's okay," or, "don't worry about it," to things that definitely are not. I'm tired of the quick validation that for some reason I crave.

I've deleted the dating apps but how long before it's night again and I'm suddenly lonely?

I'm doing it. I'm going to college. I have a job, a car, a fixed sleep schedule, and a clean house. But why do I still feel like a 17-year-old me living in an adult imposter body?

I love the slow stable and peaceful life, no I crave it. I want to wake up drink my coffee, go to work, and come home in time to cook dinner for the kids I want someday.

I want to be secure in my own personality. I want to stop worrying about upsetting people and make it known that I won't be a pushover any longer. I won't be taken advantage of. Not anymore. Am I growing up or have I been so taken advantage of that I've snapped?

I'm not sure anymore.

[viridiaxnse]

Eating a little healthier lately <3 progress