violetrhapsody-blog

[violetrhapsody-blog]

David.....the ex.

Fuck you.

You made me believe in love again.

You made me trust again after being shattered into pieces.

You've ruined the final resting place for my mum because the last time I was there it was with you.

You've ruined my favourite song.

You've ruined the wedding venue.

You've ruined everything I held in my heart.

The worst thing is that you just weren't worth it.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Brandon.....

Out of nowhere, this southern gentleman came into my life, first as a twitch viewer and a good all round guy and more recently as an interest.

It all started with a FaceBook post.

"Applications open for a southern American gentleman who drives a truck, treats women well, can sing, is a geek, loves science and gaming and who can sweep me off my feet are open!"

The first comment....

"Ummm....I think you just described me? Lol".

I messaged him.

We started chatting.

We started really chatting about 2 months ago when I got him on discord with me and I heard his accent.

I was sitting at my PC in my spare room just blown away with his accent.

He was lovely to chat too.

That deep southern accent and he got it right because everything was "yes ma'am" or "no ma'am".....

It melted me and he was confused by it but nevertheless enjoyed the show.

We chatted again.

This time it was for 5 hours.

We found it so easy to chat to one another that I just came clean about working as a professional dominatrix until last October.

He didnt mind.

He was curious more than anything.

He accepted it. Completely and without judgement.

He works in forensics and has a chemistry background with pharmaceuticals.

Could he get any more amazing?

He loves his sports.

Ex MMA fighter.

He knows how to protect a lady and would t shy away from it.

Ice hockey is a passion for him and it used to be one of mine.

He paints minis.

So do I.

He is a writer.....

My God he is such a good writer.

I read one of his pieces and it melted me.

Swear I honestly felt a bit of my heart simultaneously break and dedicate a part of it to him when I read it.

Break because I have never had a man look at me the way he did her, never had a man so patient, loving, observant and just....emotionally in touch with themselves.

Any man who can observe a woman like that in his writing, and it was him, is just astounding in the most heart stopping and breathtaking way.

We have already spoke about how much we like each other.

We are going to arrange a visit.

UK to Tennessee.

4000 miles.

I've never had a man travel more than one city to see me and that was a task to even get that.

We both want to see where it goes.

...he knows about Ben and Mark and Alex

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Definitely something for people from my past.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Brandon....

Tennessee.

Forensic scientist.

Hobbiest.

Funny.

Southern gent.

Writer.

Voice as soft as velvet.

He makes me smile and laugh.

I smile when his name pops up on my phone.

He knows that I have FWB offers and is fine with me taking them up.

We arent committed to one another yet, but I hope one day we will be.

I'm so sleepy that I cant write something full about him.

But I can tomorrow.

Theres so much to tell.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Ben......

I met up with him to pour my heart out but within minutes if being in his company, I felt the desire to upset myself by going over old news, well, just pointless.

Here I was, in a public place, other people around us in full view and this gorgeous, funny, intelligent and intellectually intriguing but intimidating man was flirting with me, holding my hand, smiling at me and looking Into my eyes.

He said that he could wind me up without the Irish accent and I didnt doubt it for a moment, but nevertheless, I challenged him.

He reached across the table with his left hand and put it to the side of my face.

He held me there, no effort, no force, no intimidation, he just softly lay his hand on me and looked into my eyes and I felt myself get lost in him.

Its was like the world went into slow motion and nothing else existed for that short time.

Sitting there in a bar that I used to frequent with my ex fiance, in the same seat I last sat with David, the seat that when Ben picked it, I didnt have the heart to mention, he held me and suddenly no one else existed.

David didnt exist.

People around us didnt exist.

It was only the two of us.

In that moment it felt intense.

Felt like he could somehow read every racing thought I had.

I looked away after he spoke to me gently making a joke at how I was getting lost in his eyes.

"Shuuuut up" is my usual whimper which translates in my language to "oh my God, I dont know what else to say or how to react, help!"

A split second before breaking away from his gaze I thought "this is what I'm worth, this and nothing less".

That scared me.

I'm not sure why.

We talked, we laughed. He walked me to my train.

It's never enough time with Ben no matter how long I get.

I dont know who sent him to help me grow, but someone has.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Not sat here since I was 16.

I love that I'm getting back to who I was.

Standing talking to strangers until the small hours of the morning, laughing, joking and just being true to who I am....

....flaws and all.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Dear Ex.......

Today you tried to break me all over again with you incompetence when it comes to understanding emotion from someone elses point of view.

You are not prepared to help me anymore? Out of the mess you landed me in?

Well, FUCK YOU.

I used to think you were kind, nice, generous, selfless and above all, a gentleman. I thought you fucking cared you piece of fucking shit.

You only care about yourself and how every single damn one of your petty little fucking friends view you. You want to be Dave the nice guy, well fuck you.

This was the last fucking time I EVER even give you the benefit of the doubt. You are nothing but a self centred fucking man child.

Our entire relationship, which seemed amazing at the time, was nothing but a fucking lie.

You managed to make me feel like I could trust again and then you tore it away from me all over again because you finally decided, at the fucking age of 49, that you wanted to be a bachelor.

How fucking dare you dump me on move day in front of strangers, why the hell did I defend you at all in this entire process????

WHY WAS I SO STUPID?

You broke me on the sixth of October, 2018 after we lost your dad, after you basically lost your family through arguments over the fucking estate, I had been ill, you had been depressed....THEN, once I have saw you through the loss of both fucking parents in our relationship and you are due a lump sum of money, you fucking run?

How 

FUCKING

DARE YOU!

I am worth 100 of you.

I always thought it was the other way around, but it never was. You were never fucking good enough for me.

You done nothing but wear a mask every damn day of being a nice guy when in actual fact you were nothing more than a man filled with all the potential in the universe that you let slip away and amounted to nothing.

You have amounted to nothing in life.

Completely nothing.

Your best friends know you as a nice guy who is completely hopeless.

You have no passion, no drive, no ambition.

You will never go anywhere.

I have accomplished more in the past seven months when it comes to career, life, social life, love, drive and just basic personal growth than you ever have in your damn life.

I do not mourn for the loss of your love.

I am not sure I ever had it anyway.

I mourn for the loss of the man I thought you were.

I do not mourn for the loss of the life I used to have with you.

My life now is better.

My life now is full;

My life now is full of fucking self worth.

My life now is full of loving people, REAL loving people.

My life now is full of good things happening.

My life now is free of being chained and strapped down and choked by an anxiety crippled mind.

My life now is filled with accomplishment.

Laughter.

Friends.

Family.

Happiness.

Physical affection that is the right kind.

Affection that fucking is actually what I want from men who are there are friends and who also fucking listen to feedback and amend what they are doing to make me fucking happy...something YOU never done.

You kept me numb for 6 years.

I do not regret our time together, after all, at one point you were exactly what I needed, but now? 

....I wish you no ill will, but sincerely, for your own good....

never inflict your version of love on another woman again until you sort your shit out...and again...

fuck you, friend.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Love this song <3

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Let me be sad. Even for a little while, Just a chance to catch my breath. Let me be sad. Even for a little while, 'Cause it's all that I have left. When all I see are the memories, I don't want to lose a thing. Let me be sad, let me be sad. I'm doing everything i can to try and fix it But knowing me I'll probably miss it These voices get so vicious, Feels like I'm rippin' stitches. I wish some days I could go back, Before life changed, it was so fast. That time is gone and I know that, All that we have is a moment. So please, Let me be sad. Even for a little while, Just a chance to catch my breath.

Let Me Be Sad - I Prevail

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Like I'm nothing.

He spoke to me like I was a stranger.

Not someone he shared his bed with for six years.

Like I was nothing to him and like I embodied everything he hated in humanity.

But not with spite or with any anger.

Just with a vacuum, a void where his compassion should have been for me.

He spoke to me like I was nothing.

Like we never laughed.

Like we never danced.

Like we never cried together.

Like we never loved each other with a passion that would set the world on fire.

I was something.

But now I'm nothing.

I'm just a stranger.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

tragic

[violetrhapsody-blog]

Ben....

A majestic, beautiful and honest man who seemed to vaporise from my dreams and come into reality out of nowhere.

Irish.

Long hair.

Gorgeous eyes.

Tall.

Good build.

Wicked smile.

Uncanny ability to read me and know when something is going on from the very first time we met.

I was introduced to Ben only three months ago, yet he seems to know me more than most people on this planet and he has made the biggest impact to my life in all the right ways in such a short space of time.

He has made me realise that there are many things in my life and past with men and how I view relationships that are just completely.....well, fucked for lack of a better term.

I digress, how I met him.

A friend in work, a new friend but someone who is like my sister with the amount of love I have for her, messaged me one night after a rather frank discussion in work about what my ideal man was.

“...I dunno *clicks to switch into aftercall* maybe just a guy who doesn’t lie and cheat and break my heart.......no? Stop scowling at me........ok, ok....let me think *sifts through some work documents while thinking* Long hair, tall, kinky, geeky, something to do with computers and larp, gamer, sensitive, can cook, gives foot rubs, kind, understanding, wants to get to know me, doesnt just want sex, will spend time with me watching trash movies on the sofa.......and irish! He has to be Irish! That right there is my dream man”

She smiled.

I thought nothing more of it.

Few weeks later after many discussions between us about the men we were both seeing, partners, friends with benefits and play partners in the kink world, she messages me one night...

“Ben cooks and does foot rubs you know on command”

"Really? Can I borrow him from you for a night?”

“You would need to ask him...”

“ummm really?”

“Yea, just message him randomly with ‘so I hear you give foot rubs and cook on command’ and see what he says”

*finds him on FB, sends message*

2 days later.....

“I guess you know *blah* then?” from Ben....and that is where it started.

We chatted, we got on, he seemed cute, I seemed drawn to him the same way I had many other men since being unexpectedly single since last October.

But something was different.

We arranged to meet up for a drink in a coffee shop 2 weeks later.

Something happened one week later and we were both free at the same time....it was late at night and we were messaging...somehow we both ended up eluding to him coming to my house for the first time we were meeting which was totally different for me.

He has a wife. He is poly.

His wife knew and was ok with it to a point.

We had already spoken about the possibility of play.

First day here and when he first walked through the door I was shocked at how stunning he was.

Beautiful long hair to his ass, amazing deep eyes I could get lost in, amazing ass...wicked smile and an accent I couldn’t place.

We chatted and settled into each others company.

We talked openly, honestly and bluntly about play sessions, history, hang ups and what we each wanted.

He even let me braid his hair.

He sat down on the dining chair and I braided his hair while chatting.

I asked him where his accent was from because I couldnt place it.

He smiled at me looking up cheekily in the mirror in front of him that I had forgotten about...

“If you cannot guess by the time you are done with my hair, I will tell you”.

I guessed everything from American, welsh, English and everything in-between.

“Are you done with my hair yet?”

“Yea, I cannot guess, where the hell are you from?”

He got up, turned around, walked upto me, put his right hand on the right hand side of my face, leaned in slowly and whispered in my right ear, “I’m from Ireland, love” in a full Irish accent.

My eyes lit up, I was shocked, I was horrified and I was excited all at once. Simultaneously all of my damn dreams were embodied in front of me in one man, a real man, standing in front of me who was interested in me.

He found my reaction both amusing and confusing I think, I know he was definitely amused by it. It still makes him chuckle a few months on.

Chloe had forced me towards him knowing full well the light and love he would bring to my life as he did to hers...the joy of being poly!

I adore him and he is teaching me to be true to myself, finally, at the age of 33, he is teaching me and giving me the space to learn about myself.

He has taken my thinking that has been reinforced since I was 18 and has turned it on its head.

There will be a lot more writings about Ben in this journal.

There have been so many things that I never want to forget about the time I am spending with him.

...I just wish he weren’t married.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

So today, I found out from my dad via Facebook messenger while on lunch at work that my aunt has cancer.

Firstly, who the fuck tells someone something like that over messenger?????

Secondly, when I'm at fucking work????

This is the kind of thing that you tell someone face to face.

How on earth can someone justify this?

The bigger picture is that she has breast cancer and is a single mum to two children and is a nurse.

She is a nurse.

She knows every detail of what the doctors mean.

She is going through hell.

[violetrhapsody-blog]

“You must want to spend the rest of your life with yourself first.”

— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

[violetrhapsody-blog]

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life

- Derek Walcott