tubelessxhopeful

[tubelessxhopeful]

I miss my baby that should have been here 2 years ago.

I miss my baby that should have been here 6 months ago.

I miss my baby who should be here in April.

I miss my baby that’s supposed to be inside me right now.

I miss my tubes.

I miss myself.

[tubelessxhopeful]

I’m just feeling so angry right now.

I’m fucking pissed at this last year of hell.

I literally feel like January 2020 to present has been my own personal hell.

It’s felt like an entire year of just full fucking grief, constantly.

Ectopic #2 in January 2020 ; alright let’s get through this we will be okay. Meanwhile my sister in law is announcing her pregnancy that will be due 2 months before I would be if I wasn’t dealing with my second ectopic but whatever. Fuck.

Okay - move on; try again. It will work out this time. Each month I have to remember oh wow I’m not pregnant still. I want my baby. I’d be x many weeks right now and go down that fucking endless black hole of “what if’s”

Get pregnant in July! Yay! It didn’t take much time. But no - can’t be excited about this because we all know what’s happened the last two times. Sure enough. It happens again. I get my left tube removed a month before my baby would have been due had my LAST pregnancy worked. Awesome. Have to push forward and pretend I’m not devastated that I would be holding my baby in my arms sept 2020. While also having to be happy about my gorgeous nephew who was born right before I lost my tube. Fuck man.

Oh so here comes November when I turn 30 and we’re so hopeful that because I got that “bad tube” out in august that THIRTY IS GONNA BE MY YEAR IT ALL GETS BETTER.

What a god damn joke that was.

Got pregnant in January 2021... felt really good about it. I had ALL the good vibes flowing. This was gonna be it. This was gonna be our time to finally become parents. I even look at baby announcements and nurseries on Pinterest. BIG MISTAKE.

Ectopic number 4.

Right tube now gone.

A very fertile couple with no ability to conceive on our own.

How the FUCK am I supposed to muster up the strength to go through ivf. Someone please tell me.

These 12 months have been

Hope

Fear

Grief

Repeat

Non fucking stop. It’s one massive cycle of shit.

And the problem is - the only thing going to make this better is for me to have a baby in my arms. I want my fucking babies back.

[tubelessxhopeful]

The day I became unable to conceive naturally...

Ectopic no 4

So after I wrote the post in august 2019 my husband and I decided to start trying again in November. We got pregnant in Jan and got our positive on Jan 16. My hcg was rising literally textbook perfect and my doctors just kept saying “based on your 5 blood draws doubling perfectly this isn’t likely ectopic.”

Boy were they wrong.

For the first couple weeks I felt perfectly fine. I had some mild period like cramps but like - that’s normal in all pregnancies. I had no brown blood like I always have and no feeling like something was terribly wrong.

Then, Tuesday the 26 (one week before I was scheduled for my placement scan) the dreaded brown flakey discharge happened. I immediately panicked. We went to the hospital where they did a scan and checked hcg level ( STILL MORE THAN DOUBLING.)

They did an ultrasound and found “nothing anywhere” which it what I expected at 5 weeks and hcg only being 1200. I just wanted to make sure they couldn’t see something obvious in the tube. So I felt better about it and called my specialist office in the morning (Wednesday 27th) The specialist said she didn’t think ectopic based on ultrasounds and hcg but to come in the next day (Thursday) for a blood test and depending on that they’d do an ultrasound.

So - I rested all day wednesday and had quite a bit of pressure but I just kept calm and slept and just tried to wait it out. That night I went to the bathroom before bed and a GUSH of blood that looks like prune juice came out of me. I had no cramping. So I just went back to lay down and calm myself down. I wanted to try to just sleep it off and go to my bloodwork in morning.

That didn’t work. Within minutes my entire abdomen was burning like CRAZY. I was bent over in pain and could hardly walk. My husband then rushed me to the hospital where they immediately took me to a room and pumped me full of dilaudid.

I then got my second TV ultrasound within 24 hours and the radiologist found the gestational sac and yolk sac in my tube.

I have another ectopic.

Now - I’m in hospital and the pain has passed but I’m being monitored closely until I can get called for surgery. I’m on the emergency list but they’ve had a lot of unstable people come in so I’ve been bumped. It’s now Saturday at 1am as I write this.

I’m choosing to take out this remaining tube and move on to IVF. Keeping the tube there and doing ivf just gives me a higher change of having an IVF ectopic and I would literally have a break down if that happened so I’m removing that possibility from the mix.

I’m devastated. I’m losing my ability to conceive naturally and it breaks my heart. I just CANNOT go through another ectopic. We did everything we could in our power and it’s just not working.

My fertility specialist says with me having 0 fertility problems besides my tubes my chance of Ivf working is 70% and I’m happy with those odds.

I’m so ready to start that scary journey but I cannot wait to meet my future rainbow baby. Cause I know he or she is coming.

I have hope.

Thank you for listening. 💜

[tubelessxhopeful]

My heart is aching and breaking at the what if’s and could have beens. I long to see you and hold you and feel you. You’ve been taken from me and I can still feel you inside me. I still feel like you’re a part of me but you’re gone. You’re all gone. I can’t find the hope I need to move forward because with each hopeful thought comes heartbreak in the end and I really just can’t take that anymore.

How do I move on? How do I get through this unnamable ache. They say we’ll try again, that it will all work out in the end but my soul just can’t take that in when you’re all I wanted. You’re who I wanted and I didn’t even get to see your heartbeat.

[tubelessxhopeful]

Hi - I’m Em. I’ve started this blog to let my feelings and thoughts and everything in between out. I’ve been through ectopic pregnancies 4 times and have unfortunately lost my tubes. This post I’m posting now was written during my third ectopic in august 2020 and when I was losing my left tube. I’m hoping this can be an outlet for me and all the crazy thoughts. Since writing the below post, I lost my only remaining tube to my fourth ectopic on January 31/2021 and we are now going to be starting our journey with ivf.

OLD POST ~ WRITTEN AUGUST 2020

Ectopic pregnancy was never something that came to mind when worrying about getting pregnant, I honestly didn’t even really know about it until I was one of the unfortunate women that had to go through it for the first time in 2018. I always worried about fertility issues or miscarriage or still births (all absolutely horrendous situations as well) but ectopic was not even in the back of my mind.

I know I’m not the only one who’s been through this nor will I be the last.

I can’t even put into words the gut wrenching feeling that came over me the first time I was diagnosed in June 2018. I had no idea I was pregnant for almost 2 months before I took a test (obviously I wasnt tracking my cycles at the time...oops.) literally the day after I got my positive pregnancy test I started having extreme pain. Pain that doubled me over and tears running down my face. I knew something was wrong. This first pregnancy wasn’t planned but honestly, as soon as I got the positive I started planning my husband and my future with our new baby in my head. I could picture a little one with us and how our lives would be. That all got ripped away.

I spent 5 days in the hospital with what they define as a pregnancy of unknown location (PUL.) I got countless blood tests and many ultrasounds until finally my gynaecologist diagnosed it as a non viable pregnancy. I had the option to either receive a double shot of methotrexate which is a chemotherapy drug that kills fast developing cells which ultimately ends the non viable pregnancy or I could have laparoscopic surgery. I chose methotrexate.

After the shot, the pain doesn’t end there. Methotrexate depletes your body of folate and makes you feel like absolute garbage in general. You have to get blood tests constantly to monitor your HCG (pregnancy hormone) to ensure the medication is in fact working. I was miserable. On top of the sickness from the medication, you still feel completely pregnant. It’s extremely hard. You bleed, you pass clots and it can take a very long time for your HCG to reach non pregnant levels. The scariest part of this is that until your levels go below 5 you are still at risk of the ectopic rupturing where ever it is implanted. This is a medical emergency and you can hemorrhage and bleed out internally very quickly. You have to have someone with you 24/7 incase you rupture because the pain is usually so severe that you pass out. Luckily I have the best mother in the world who flew to Newfoundland from New Brunswick to stay with me. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t do housework, I couldn’t do light lifting AT ALL for the risk of rupture was there.

With this first experience it took me almost 2 months for my hormones to reach non pregnant levels and pregnancy symptoms to subside.

After your levels reach 0 you have to start taking folic acid again to replenish your body and can’t start trying for another baby for 3 months as methotrexate can harm a fetus and lack of folate can cause birth defects.

Steve and I decided not to try again until after our wedding in 2019.

In that time I got an HSG test done to check if my tubes were clear which is a pretty uncomfortable proceedure that they put a catheter up through and push dye through your Fallopian tubes. To my surprise and happiness - my tubes were clear and looked perfect.

Flash forward to December 2019 - we decided this was our month. We tried again and found out we were pregnant again the second week of January. I couldn’t believe we got pregnant again so quick. I felt so lucky that we could get pregnant easily and we were scared but also excited. I honestly believed this would work out. About a week after finding out I was pregnant I doubled over at work, sweating and felt like I was in the worst pain of my life. I thought I was going to pass out. It’s a pain I can’t describe and unlike anything I’ve ever felt with anything else. I knew it was ectopic again.

I went to the hospital in the morning after work as I was on night shift. They did an ultrasound and immediately found my ectopic in my left tube.

Once again, I chose methotrexate. I mean, who wants to go into surgery if you can avoid it, right?

I was able to go home from the hospital the same day with the promise that someone would be with me to monitor me 24/7. My amazing mom came once again to stay with me so that Steve could go back to work.

This time it took about 5 weeks for my levels to drop to 0.

5 weeks of feeling pregnant and knowing our child wouldn’t survive.

5 weeks of feeling like absolute death from methotrexate.

5 weeks of emotional turmoil.

5 weeks of wondering what I did to cause this.

5 weeks of trying to pretend I was okay to the outside world so they wouldn’t worry.

5 weeks of bloodwork and doctor visits.

5 weeks of tears and pain and feeling so bad.

So - we waited for my levels to get to non pregnant levels. I started taking folic acid. I started exercising to lose weight and making my body the healthiest I’ve ever been. I lost 30 pounds. I did everything under the sun to try to prevent this. Maybe I just had bad luck and the third time would be the time it all works out.

1 in 50 pregnancies are ectopic which is about 2% of pregnancies. I can’t POSSIBLY have another one. I did the testing, my tubes are clear. We were just unlucky.

We decided we would try again in June. We didn’t get pregnant. So we tried again in July.

We got our positive. I was again so thankful that we don’t have the fertility problems that many couples deal with.

But - the feeling of dread came over me immediately. I think one of the shittiest things people who’ve been through pregnancy loss is that we can never be truly excited about a pregnancy. There’s always that feeling of terror and dread that we will once again go through the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.

I immediately got blood work done, I got 3 blood tests done in a week as levels are supposed to double every 48 hours in a normal pregnancy.

Mine were looking great! But I still couldn’t breathe. I still couldn’t enjoy this. I was terrified.

We went on vacation and we had an amazing time. At the start of our vacation I did have bleeding and went to the emergency room (2 hours away from our campsite) to see if everything was okay. They couldn’t see anything on the ultrasound but the gynaecologist said it was too early to see anything anyway but there was nothing obvious in my tube and to wait it out.

We spent the week camping and having fun.

I still had the feeling of dread, though. I felt something was wrong but kept telling myself STATISTICALLY this pregnancy should be normal. I can’t possibly have a THIRD.

My bloodwork continued to rise normal which isn’t typical in ectopics so my doctor kept reassuring me that I was probably okay.

I worked my weekend of nights but I couldn’t settle. I went to the emergency room Monday morning where they did another scan and couldn’t see anything in uterus or tubes. It was likely an unviable pregnancy and I was told it was yet another pregnancy of unknown location at this time. I left the ER but as soon as I got home I had extreme cramping and bleeding. I rushed back to the hospital. I got admitted after about 18 hours of waiting so they could monitor my pregnancy hormone and do another ultrasound on Thursday.

We were devastated. We knew this was going to be yet another loss for us. We couldn’t believe it.

On Thursday the 13th of August I got my 3rd internal ultrasound which once again showed nothing anywhere. We still don’t know where the pregnancy is but if it’s not showing in my uterus, it’s not viable and has implanted somewhere else.

My hormone was rising pretty good. I didn’t understand.

I’m writing this as I try to cope with another loss. Another let down.

As a woman I feel like I’m letting my husband down. I feel like I can’t do the one thing women are “supposed” to be able to naturally do. What is wrong with my body? What did I do to deserve this?

I opted for surgery this time. In hopes to find this pregnancy somewhere so it can be removed as well as try to figure out why this has happened 3 times.

There is clearly something going on inside to cause these ectopics that needs to be looked at internally and hopefully fixed.

the thought of surgery made my mind race.

I may lose one of my tubes.

I may lose both of my tubes.

I may lose an ovary.

I may lose part of my reproductive system and It’s terrifying.

The only thing I want in life is to be a mom. I want to watch my belly grow, I want to give birth. I want that experience so bad. It scares me so much that this may never happen. I hope so much that this will be the last time we need to go through this. I would give anything to have a happy healthy pregnancy for myself and for Steve. Because although my body is going through this - it is also his loss and his pain as well. I can’t stand to see the look of sadness on his face again and hate seeing him so scared for me. It’s so unfortunate that us, as a newlywed couple will never get the experience of being truly happy and excited about a pregnancy like majority of couples can. We will always worry the moment that positive tests shows up and I can’t explain how devastating that is.

Pregnancy loss affects a relationship and I’m so very lucky that although we’ve only been together for 6 years (not even married a year yet) that these losses and experiences have not broken us. It has made us stronger. It has made me realize that Steve truly meant his vows and will fight for me and with me every step of the way; whatever life throws at us. I’m so grateful for him and so grateful for the amazing friends and family that I have to support me through this, multiple times.

Today I wait for surgery. I may be able to get squeezed in today, I may not. All I know is I have such hope that this will be the last time we have to lose a child and face this problem.

My heart aches for any woman or couple that has to deal with any sort of pregnancy loss or fertility issues. It’s so hard to explain the feeling to someone who hasn’t gone through it but I hope I could shed some light. Hope is always there and if anyone needs to talk - I am here. I may not understand your personal journey completely but I will listen.

[tubelessxhopeful]

I can’t take this anymore.

The wishing, the hoping, the talking to myself all day everyday convincing myself that this will all be fine.

It’s not fine. It won’t be fine.

This struggle is too long and too hard and I can’t keep scraping my way through life.

I’m just a fragment of a woman. I’ve lost a part of me that I’ll never get back times four.

Who the hell am I supposed to be? Who was I before? Who am I if I’m not her - the woman I always imagined in my dreams.

The one with a caring love like my mothers.

The one that gets picked out of the crowd among all the others.

Who am I if I’m not her? How do I keep going on, and on and on and on and on.

Each month is a new heartbreak and each positive has turned to a negative right before my eyes.

Maybe I deserve this.

Maybe I just wasn’t ever going to be good enough.

Is it because I wasn’t capable of love back then? Am I being punished for something I did?

I just don’t know who I am or who I’m going to be if I’m not that person. I can’t stay like this - so unmoving and filled to the brim with flowers and hearts and hugs and kisses that will never be given.

This pain and emptiness has overwritten all the hope and magic that was at the beginning.

I just need a minute.