thepixiestargirl

[thepixiestargirl]

i made a self-portrait. i hate my face and body lately i could barely look at the mirror without scowling at my ugly reflection, but at least i could make myself flawless in my art. tbh, art has been one of the very few things that keeps me going lately. i’ve been in a bad place for the past couple of months and i don’t know shit about what to do with my life anymore; but drawing and illustrating and creating and crafting somehow fuel me to move forward. it was more than enough for me to see my creations in digital canvas or in crafted materials, but selling my art to actual people who genuinely likes and appreciate my work is really something that surprises and energizes me. like, “wow, you really like this artwork of mine even though i’m a piece of shit?” kinda thing. i’d never thought someone would buy something that i made, really. i’ve always regarded myself as a crappy human being, but somehow creating art and sharing it to people makes me think that somehow, my work has some sort of value. that i have some value. or maybe not, idk. anyway, really thankful for all the support recently. i’m going to attend a handful of events in the coming weeks, and i have some pretty ambitious plans for my art business next year. hopefully, my manic-depressive, anxiety-ridden, and panic-inducing brain would cooperate.

[thepixiestargirl]

jan 11, 2021 at 5:47AM

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” ― Seneca

My ultimate goal is life is to be truly happy, yet I feel that this state has always been elusive for me. As someone who is suffering from multiple mental health issues, true happiness is really hard to come by. My moods change easily throughout the day. One moment I am happy, the next I am depressed and anxious. 

I usually worry about the future. I am always anxious about what will happen to be for the next couple of days, weeks, months, or years. As an ambitious person, I have a lot of goals in life; and yet I feel that my life do not really have a direction. Until now, I haven’t graduated from college yet. Although things are going well now, my relationship with my family is wobbly and always on the verge of toxicity. I do not know where I stand when it comes to my friendships so I usually feel socially insecure, alone, and lonely. I do not have a stable job where I can progress in my career. I am in a loving and supportive romantic relationship, yet I’m still not married which is sometimes the source of our conflict because I really want to settle down already. My health is not on the optimum and I admit I’ve been neglecting myself so I couldn’t say that I am exactly physically or mentally fit.

I would like to experience what true happiness feels like. I would like to not be anxious so much about the future, but rather live on the present. I want to reach my goals and be contented because I have what I wanted and needed in life. I would like to gain wisdom for myself and for others. I would like to not dwell too much on my mistakes and shortcomings and frustrations, but rather focus on what I can do with the here and now. Is that too much to ask for?

[thepixiestargirl]

I'm a 26-year-old pansexual female with (diagnosed) Bipolar Disorder 1. I'm a freelancer which means I've been working remotely for the past years. However, this pandemic is causing me so much anxiety and triggering my BP more because I don't have any means to socialize. Socialization is one of my way of coping with my condition, but now I can barely do that.

I'm a predominantly extrovert person, but I haven't gone out of the apartment for the past 5 months. Well, I go out sometimes, but not beyond our street. I suspect I've been developing social anxiety and ADHD for the past years, but this pandemic has been triggering my mental health issues more. There are days when I'm okay, but there are some days when I want to die.

Even though I'm struggling every day, I'm still trying to fight this. I'm doing my best to cope. I'm trying to be healthy. It's so difficult, but I'm doing my best to hold on.

[thepixiestargirl]

Sobrang tindi ng hirap na pinagdaanan ko para makarating sa shrines na ito. Hindi ko pa dinala kabayo ko kasi pangit yung daan papunta dito. It took me 3 game days bago makarating dito kasi nilakad ko lang from Hateno Village. I had to go trekking and rock climbing, slay monsters, and avoid enemies to get here.

Tas ganitong trial bubungad sa’ken??

I reached Muwo Jeem Shrine first, tinry ko yung Modest Test of Strength. Patay agad ako. K. Di ko keri ito. Alis muna.

Nag-paraglide ako papunta dun sa isang malapit na shrine sa island sa gitna ng dagat. Gusto ko lang may matapos na shrine tonight. I reached Chaas Qeta Shrine. Potek, di nga ko umbra dun sa Modest, pano pa kaya sa Major Test of Strength???

Di kaya ng game capabilities ko ‘to, 3 heart vessels at 2 upgrades ng stamina vessels pa lang ako.

Yoko na. Teleport na lang ako pabalik Hateno Village. Tulog na ko, 4AM na.

[thepixiestargirl]

it’s been a while since i’ve taken a selfie. maybe a couple of weeks since i snapped a photo of myself. i took this picture of me a while ago so i’d have a reason to smile. to show the camera the happy face i’d like to project in my life, even in reality it’s far from what i’ve been feeling. fake it until you make it, they say.

for the past few weeks (or maybe even months) i’ve been ebbing in and out of depression. i’m always at the brink of anxiety. sometimes my emotional and mental troubles could manifest through physical pains. the body has its way of recognizing trauma.

i’m trying my best to cope. i bury myself with so much work work so that i would be exhausted to feel. i play so much video games so that i would be to distracted to think. but when i turn off the screen, the monsters i’ve been keeping at bay begin to attack. i try to ward them off; i don’t want to sink into the darkness. but sometimes they win and i’m at their mercy, and i just wait until they stop attacking me.

—

i’ve been staying at home for more than four months already. aside from the occasional walks outside to buy something (i never get pass the street corner) i don’t really go out. i barely socialize. the only people i see are my boyfriend, delivery boys for food and grocery, and lately, one friend who lives nearby who came to visit. plus my cats. my pets are my stress reliever.

i haven’t gone to therapy for four months. barely talked to friends. sometimes i’d like to reach out, but i don’t know what to say. i don’t know how to communicate this. i’m keeping my guard up again, not wanting to show people my weakness.

but i’m trying my best to snap out of this. i’m striving to improve myself. i don’t know if my efforts are enough, but i’m doing the best that i could.

—

so here’s a photo of me, trying to remind myself to show that smile i’d like to project, trying to show a happy—albeit a stress and haggard—face. fake it until you make it.

[thepixiestargirl]

my workstation at home

This has been my simple workstation in my room since I moved to Baguio in August last year. This is just a dining table and chair set that I was using when I was still living in Taguig. Semi-furnished yung apartment dito sa Baguio kaya may dining table, so I decided to repurpose this set into my workstation. To be honest, ang sakit talaga sa likod ng upuan na ito. Nilalagyan ko lang ng unan sa likod para ma-lessen kahit papano yung back pain ko. Ilang months na kong nagtitiis sa upuan na ito haha at malapit na rin masira yung paa. Lalo lately, I’ve been working longer hours. Umorder na ko ng gaming chair so I can upgrade my workstation into more ergonomic position, pero after ECQ pa madedeliver. Kaya pansamantala, kumuha muna ako ng swivel office chair dito sa Baguio na temporary kong gagamitin. Sana dumating na. Bigay ko na lang kay Christian yun pag dumating na gaming chair ko, kasi di daw maayos upuan nya sa office haha!

Wala pang masyadong decorations yung wall ko.

[thepixiestargirl]

My Nintendo Switch v2 finally arrived last Friday! I also bought three games: Mario Kart, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, and of course Animal Crossing. Thank you, DataBlitz!!

I’ve been wanting to have a gaming console for so long. I actually wanted to get a PS4 but a couple of months ago I discovered Nintendo Switch and I realized this would be better for me because I can bring it anywhere. Plus there a lot of awesome Nintendo games.

Kinda ainda regret that I didn’t buy one before the ECQ because it’s more expensive nowadays, plus it was very difficult to get a Switch now. But I’m still very happy with my purchase!!

Thanks so much to my boyfriend who agreed to share the expenses with me (because we’ll be sharing the Switch, though he admits I’ll play with this more than him lol). My half of the expenses is from my freelancing work, so I’m very thankful of my flexible, WFH job.

I’m finally fulfilling my gamer girl dreams!!!

[thepixiestargirl]

kunwari hindi 3 hours lang ang tulog ko

[thepixiestargirl]

On religion and women’s rights

Churches and organized religions are historically oppressive to women. They are naturally misogynistic and perpetuates archaic beliefs and patriarchal practices. They propagate beliefs regarding traditional gender roles, condemn homosexuality as sin, and highly influences gender issues in the society.

Most churches elevates the status of men over women, celebrating toxic masculinity while disregarding women empowerment. Women’s roles in organized religions are usually to serve, while men are encouraged to lead. Men are oftentimes in the leadership positions in most religions, as women are taught—from a young age—to be submissive to men.

As such, men are the ones who directly and indirectly control decisions over women within their church. Patriarchal and traditional religious beliefs even influence the society in general. Sometimes, these beliefs hinder progress in gender issues and concerns that affect the general population. The minorities the ones who are greatly affected, as most sectors are highly dominated by men with traditional perspectives. These include men who should not have an opinion over women’s bodies and LGBTQ+ concerns, since they are not the ones living in such harsh realities. Gender and societal issues such as reproductive and sexual health, abuse, divorce, gender equality, LGBTQ+ rights, and the likes are usually hindered because of the strong opposition of religious bodies against the advocates of these issues.

While there are there has been great changes towards equality in the past decades, organized religions, in overall, still lag when it comes to addressing gender issues. Fundamentalists and traditionalists within every religion and church actively resist change and refuse to grant minorities the rights that are enjoyed by the majority. Until true gender equality, freedom of choice, and gender emancipation is achieved, we must continue to resist.

—ibcn 03.26.20, 2:18AM

[thepixiestargirl]

so i decided to put makeup again for my work tonight ☺️

[thepixiestargirl]

Every molecule of water on the Earth—and inside you—has existed for millions, or even billions of years. Every one is part of this world made alive with water and made rich with aquatic life.

In times like this when hand-washing is a vital aspect in our lives, let us not forget the scarcity of water supply in some parts of the Earth due to environmental abuse and pollution.

According to UN Environment Programme, readily accessible freshwater—found in rivers, lakes, wetlands & aquifers– accounts for less than 1% of the world’s water supply. But this precious resource supports an enormous diversity of life & is essential for human survival.

This #WorldWaterDay, let us protect it! 💧

[thepixiestargirl]

“I hope you heal. I hope you find yourself again. I hope you find something that burns a fire in your soul. I hope you find the rays of sunlight even on your darkest days. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay.”

— Shivani Sonawane

[thepixiestargirl]

Hindi ako makatulog kaya nagpainting na lang ako ng abstract tas ginawan ko ng tiktok HAHAHA

Yessss Tiktokerist na ko hahahahaha pangalawang post ko pa lang ‘to sa Tiktok, follow nyo rin ako dun hahahaha

[thepixiestargirl]

I’m on Year 3 in my main farm in the game Stardew Valley. This is a Standard Farm map which I named “Stardust Farm.”

I currently have four save games in my SDV: this main farm which is the very first one I made, another single-player farm with a Forest Farm map, a co-op (multiplayer) shared money Four-Corners Farm map which I play with some people I met in SDV Discord server, and a co-op separate money Four-Corners Farm map which I played with three other members of Stardew Valley Philippines FB group (though this farm is really inactive now).

I really love game and I’ve been playing it for hours every day when I’m not working. I was finally able to upgrade my farmhouse up to the third upgrade: I now have a kitchen, a nursery, an empty room which I transformed into a library/study, and a cellar.

I decided to marry Leah into this save game, and you can see here that she has  her art room connected to the bedroom.

I actually want to marry Abigail because she’s the bachelorette I really like, however my friendship with her is not enough to ask her to marry my character. Leah is one of the eligible marriage candidates that I have the highest friendship with (Harvey is the other one). I decided to marry Leah rather than Harvey because when I checked the benefits of marriage with her, it was better for me than the benefits with Harvey (for one, Leah sometimes gives my character coffee).

Aside from that, I usually marry girl characters in my games (like in The Sims 4) because girls are cute and it’s way of living out my queerness even just in games.

Anyway, I’d probably divorce Leah so I can marry Abigail. Haha! I’m just waiting for the baby that Leah and I adopted. I currently have 8 hearts friendship with Abigail, and once that reaches to 10 hearts, I’ll marry Abigail.

I’m almost done with the Community Center! I have finished almost all the bundles, aside from the Fish Tank. I only lack the catfish in the River Fish Bundle, and the Tilapia in the Ocean Fish Bundle. Oh man.

It’s Fall in my farm right now. I’m finally envisioning what my farm would look like once it’s completed.

Oh well, this is supposed to be a short gaming update about my farmhouse, but I ended up rambling. GTG, I’m going farming again.

[thepixiestargirl]

“You know, when one is that sad, one can get to love the sunset.” —The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

[thepixiestargirl]

First time to try fake freckles look! I used Colourette Cosmetics products for this.

✨ eyebrows - Browfessional Pomade Espresso

✨ eyes - Colourtints Ava and Poppy

✨ cheeks - Colourtint Emma

✨ freckles - Colourtint Ondrei

✨ lips - Colourtint Lucy

✨ contour - Colourtint Robin

✨ highlighter - Shimmertint in Rose Quartz

[thepixiestargirl]

Lately, I am finding myself constantly playing Stardew Valley. It’s a farming simulation indie game developed by ConcernedApe. But it’s actually more than a farming game! There are a lot of aspects in this game like mining, foraging, fishing, and combat. It also has amazing details, fun dialogues, and interesting NPCs (non-playable character).


I bought it via Steam last February 8 on a whim. Before that, I’ve been very interested with the game due to the reviews. For the past couple of months, I’ve been having insomnia, and that particular night I decided to buy the game. It costs 419.95 pesos in Steam, but for me it’s actually worth it because you get more than what you’re paying for.


I have the game for a month and a half now, and according to my Steam stats, my SDV play time is 155 hours. LOL. I work from home and I don’t go out that much, so I have a lot of time to play games. Anyway, playing computer games is a good company for my insomnia because it prevents me from overthinking too much.


I really love this game! I will be posting some of my game updates here.