thegirlnextstar

[thegirlnextstar]

JAN 05 ‘24 — Update

cw: loss, grief

I’ve been away for a few months, and I’ll likely be away for a few more.

In September, my mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. She was my best friend, biggest supporter, constant cheerleader, and my endless source of comfort.

Since then, I’ve been managing her estate, helping my dad transition, and trying to provide a source of comfort for my younger siblings.

I didn’t finish the semester and there is uncertainty surrounding my immediate academic future. I’ve felt untethered for months. It’s as if I’m grieving the loss of school, too.

Part of me yearns to hurry up and finish everything I’ve always dreamed I would do — that which my mom ceaselessly encouraged — as both a tribute to her and a statement of my strength. Another part of me dreads even attempting it without having her a phone call away.

A year ago, as my parents dropped me off at the airport, they hugged me and said, “We’re so proud of you. You’re doing all the things we never had a chance to do. Keep going.”

Perhaps I will. I have to imagine I will. Perhaps there will come a day when my yearning outweighs my dread. I have to imagine it will. For now, though, I need to focus on my family and healing my grieving heart.

Every path is different.

@thegirlnextstar, signing off (for now)

xo

[thegirlnextstar]

AUG 24, 2023

study diary —

One week down - I think this semester is going to be okay?! Things have been fairly manageable (so far) and I’ve been getting more sleep than I was at this point last year.

I met with my research group yesterday and I think I’m going to get a lot of valuable experience with them. Maybe even more so than my previous group, as the topic is more closely related to my personal interests and academic aspirations.

Today I focused on programming assignments and physics notes. My physics professor is easily my favorite I’ve had yet in the department, and my other professors seem awesome too.

Tomorrow I’ll be starting my first programming lab. It’s the only assignment type I’ve yet to experience for the semester.

My assistants have been great company (although they quite often sleep on the job), and the weather has been beautiful. All is well :’’)

[thegirlnextstar]

AUG 20, 2023

study diary —

It wasn’t as gloomy as I had thought it would be today! I got a pretty early start in my studies.

I finished the reading and homework for one of my programming classes, and then started the reading for my other programming class. I also began taking notes from my textbook for the next chapter of physics.

In the morning, I go back to the office for the first time since classes started. I worked from home last week to ease back into my studies. I’m nervous (commuting is so unproductive), but I’ll also be meeting with my advisor to discuss time management for this semester.

I also get to start research tomorrow!!

[thegirlnextstar]

AUG 19, 2023

study diary —

Finding a rhythm for new classes, especially after a break, has consistently been one of my greatest study struggles.

Today I made the grave mistake of updating my computer before I did anything else. For half an hour I sat and stared at a blank screen, unsure of what to do with myself (I ended up journaling to feel somewhat productive).

I was able to get through my notes and homework for my physics class, and begin the reading for my programming course.

It was gloomy today, and is expected tomorrow (but at least I won’t have to lower the shade when the Sun hits my screen in the afternoon — silver lining)

[thegirlnextstar]

Hi, Tumblr —

My courses for this semester started yesterday!

I spent the morning going over syllabi and preparing my calendar for the remainder of August. In the afternoon, I completed all of my introductory assignments.

I’ll be posting my study diaries again starting tonight. I’m very excited for the classes I’m taking this half, and the research I’ll be doing.

!!!

[thegirlnextstar]

this gloomy spring is exhausting me

[thegirlnextstar]

May 06, ‘23

I’m really enjoying having time to myself, and being able to focus on things that make me happy.

I’ll be taking three concurrent python courses next semester, as well as a physics class, research, and an elective, so I’m trying to get a head start.

But, I’m also trying to fill up on cat snuggles, board games with friends, vegan pizza, sunsets on lakes, and books before bed.

[thegirlnextstar]

May 03, ‘23

study diary —

I took my physics final exam and I am done for the summer.

The exam honestly didn’t go as amazing as I had hoped, but I’m not going to let myself dwell on it — it’s over, and I am so thrilled!!

Ah honest reflection of the last few months:

This was my most difficult semester on record, and it was entirely avoidable. I overcommitted in every aspect of my life, which both tanked my mental health and resulted in unfathomable burnout. It also left little room for reacting to, or processing, unplanned events.

I’m very much looking forward to taking it easy (or at least easier) this summer. I’ll still be active, though, as I will be self-studying and working on a few other projects!

But, I’m also going to do so many other things!! I have so much time on my hands now, I don’t even know what to do first!! I think I’m going to drink some water?!

[thegirlnextstar]

May 2, ‘23

study diary —

I completely forgot to post yesterday - it was finally sunny outside and I took my calculus 3 final exam!

It went amazing! I was absolutely flabbergasted when I got my score today. I did not feel confident at all while I was working through review.

I am so happy to have calc off of my plate. Now I just have my physics final tomorrow, and then I’m done for the semester!

Today I’ve been working on physics review - nothing too fancy. I also watched an HST livestream which was very interesting!

The end is so close!!

[thegirlnextstar]

Apr 30, ‘23

study diary —

It’s crunch time.

I have finals in Calc 3 and Physics this week and I do not feel prepared (but to be fair, I never do).

Today I’ve just been working through Calc 3 review problems - nothing wild or special. I decided to put this little shelf next to my desk last night because I’ve been running out of space.

I don’t think I’ll keep it there permanently, but it’s been very nice to have somewhere close by to put stuff I’m not actively looking at!

This post is sponsored by Goose, who I snapped a pic of mid-yawn and mid-stretch earlier - I am very fortunate.

[thegirlnextstar]

Apr 29, ‘23

study diary —

A different view today. Not as pretty as my desk, but I still felt like switching it up.

I was rudely awoken this morning by both the fire and carbon monoxide alarms blaring, causing a full evacuation of my building. Thus, this is my living room after my first ever game of “Catch A Cat: Emergency Evacuation Edition”.

Once the chaos subsided, I started working on some review problems for my Calc 3 final exam.

I’m honestly not a big textbook fan, so when I pulled it out today I actually had to brush dust off of it. I’ve found it to be a decent additional resource when I run into difficulties that are method related.

My favorite wall item is the banner - The Wonder Years is one of my most cherished bands. :)

[thegirlnextstar]

Apr 28, ‘23

study diary —

I somehow managed to get everything done that was on my agenda, including my backlog of tasks from yesterday. It feels superb, and I honestly have no idea how I did it.

Calc 3 has been really enjoyable. I love matrices, so these last few sections have been a blast for me. I’ve also started using pen and paper again. Surprisingly, I like it way better.

I am very, very ready for this semester to be over. I’m also very, very ready to see some Spring blooms.

[thegirlnextstar]

Apr 27, ‘23

study diary —

A late post to reflect on yesterday. I didn’t get much done.

I went to the doctor in the morning and spent most of the day trying to track down a pharmacy with my medication in stock. Most are still out of it.

I finally found one, and my doctor sent my prescription to them. They filled it, and I made it to their pick-up line exactly 6 minutes before they closed.

By the time I got home it was 20:30, and I was both mentally and emotionally exhausted from the chaos and uncertainty of tracking down something essential for my well-being.

I chose to prioritize my mental health, and spent the evening reading in bed with my cats. I don’t feel guilty for this decision, nor do I regret it, but I do have a lot to do today.

[thegirlnextstar]

Apr 26, ‘23

study diary —

I had a very busy day. So busy, in fact, that I have no photos to share. I dug deep for this one, which is from September 2021. My desk has evolved a bit.

Today I met with my advisor, finished up some Calculus 3 work, got the data to write my final Physics lab report, and had meetings with both of my research groups.

All-in-all, a good day - cheers to No More Lab Reports!

[thegirlnextstar]

Apr 25, ‘23

study diary —

I totally goofed today, but life is for learning - right?

I got into such a rhythm studying for my physics exam that I completely forgot about my research meeting until 30 minutes after it had started. I was extremely embarrassed, but was met with complete grace when I arrived.

I finally took that physics exam today, though, and it went even better than I had anticipated!

To celebrate, I ate a big (berry big) bowl of strawberries :)

[thegirlnextstar]

Apr 24, ‘23

study diary —

Submitted my paper!

I always begin Mondays with scheduling. I finished three line integral problem sets for Calc 3, and began working on Green’s Theorem.

My peers and I sent each other photos of cats in hats this evening.

I also drank a lot of tea today - tea and cats make me happy.

[thegirlnextstar]

Apr 23, ‘23

study diary —

Today I met with my research group for four hours as we made final revisions to our paper. It’s incredibly exciting to think that, if accepted, I may soon have my first academic publication.

Tomorrow will be back to business as usual - it’s time to begin preparations for my final exams.