theanimateddragon

[theanimateddragon]

Welp. Fully moved in and unpacked. I feel strange. Though I did get to go to one of our basketball games tonight. We won, and boy do I love the student section so much already. I think I’m gonna do well here in my new world

[theanimateddragon]

Moving to college is weird. I’m not sure I like it yet

[theanimateddragon]

Happy New Year to my fellow gremlins, hope you all have a grand old time and achieve all you want to achieve

[theanimateddragon]

I finally got around to watching Secret Level, and boy was I not disappointed by the Warhammer 40K episode. Having only gotten into 40K within the last year, I gotta say that Daemon had such a cool design, but there was no way it had a chance against my boy Titus. Like I’m sorry. I may be new but even I know that named characters in this setting are not going to lose to some unnamed enemy.

[theanimateddragon]

Pain is wanting to write a little tiny scene but not having the motivation to actually write it out because you just know that it ain’t gonna be as good as it sounds in your head

[theanimateddragon]

Exactly! Especially when we want nothing more than to be accepted for who we are, only to somehow keep screwing things up

To be autistic is to live in a constant state of yearning that can never be fulfilled

[theanimateddragon]

Ooooookay.

So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.

So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.

Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.

So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.

But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.

And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.

Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am

[theanimateddragon]

Man I hate scams and bots. I know all I can do is block, delete, and/or report, but I have to admit sometimes they’re so painfully obvious it’s funny.

Like I had an ask show up in my inbox once that was just the generic “please click this link and donate to this cause to save my [insert relation here]!” that has random and inconsistent bolding and emphasizing of words, to the point where it’s also bolding half of a word. Another thing too is that these usually try to appeal to a specific type of person. The one I’ve mentioned literally started off by saying “Hi Lesbians” exactly like that. Like what part of my blog makes you think I’m a lesbian and that I won’t immediately clock this as a scam??

It caught me so off guard that I couldn’t help but laugh at this frankly idiotic attempt at scamming me out of some money. I mean, in all fairness, these kinds of things are being spammed literally everywhere so there’s all sorts of people getting these so it makes sense to have a general greeting. But lesbians is just so specific and I just wasn’t expecting to be greeted like that at all, much less in a scam attempt.

I got a good laugh out of it all and that’s the most value that scammer ever had. But I can’t believe scammers get people to fall for this crap. Please stay safe out there folks and don’t let people take you for ANY of your information or money. Like I said at the beginning: block, report, and/or delete. Have a great end of the year

[theanimateddragon]

The holidays are mega weird when you’re depressed. Like this Christmas season has just felt so empty and it’s not for a lack of reasons to celebrate. I’m just getting older and my brain hates existing so it just doesn’t feel the same way that I have about the holiday season in the past

[theanimateddragon]

I’ll make an entire dedicated blog post about it just for you my mysterious tumblr mutual. It probably won’t be until after Christmas but it’ll happen this week for sure. Probably.

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

[theanimateddragon]

I can’ttttt I’m fairly sure she’s not interested

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

[theanimateddragon]

Oh shush it gets even better. This weekend’s been extra lonely because of the holiday, and as we speak she’s trying to cheer me up and let me talk about what’s going on. As if she ain’t the one person I want to tell everything but can’t because it’s her and if I do I risk pushing her away and that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. She’s literally just so kind and pretty and goodness gracious my heart

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

[theanimateddragon]

Uh yes. Yes you should. I will always support a mysterious mutual doing things they enjoy and sharing said things. I’d love see your drawings

@ms-macintosh @yourlocalkiller @you

Open tag because I barely have friends here lol

[theanimateddragon]

Literally couldn’t be me right now with my best friend who has shown me nothing but respect since I’ve met her. Sometimes I hate having feelings lol

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

[theanimateddragon]

What it feels like I’ve got to do just to feel decently okay about myself because life sucks sometimes. But also armor is just cool and wearing it around is fun. So there’s that aspect too. And having a cat companion (or a dog!) is just an added bonus

[theanimateddragon]

What in the fudge covered cheese cake is going on with life. I feel like I’m permanently living in a state of limbo.

Anyway what’s new with you fine folk that’ll see this?

[theanimateddragon]

Very accurate. I really don’t care to pretend around people. If you’re being an idiot I’m inclined to either say something about it or let my distaste for it, and you, be very evident. Usually the latter. But also sometimes there’s nothing you can do and so you just gotta walk away because if you don’t you’re going to lose braincells.

One of my favourite parts about autistic people is how you can use other peoples' reflections of them like an echolocation bullshit detector. Like they personally do not need to do shit for this to work, they just passively emit their own autistic vibe that bounces off every surface around them, and you can assess another person's level of self-awareness by how they reflect it back.

"Autistic people do not understand social hierarchy" nope, they understand you're supposed to be an authority here, but they won't politely pretend to respect you if they think you're incompetent.

"Autistic people do not understand humour" nope, they just don't politely pretend to laugh to humour you, and you are simply not funny.

"Autistic people are rude" nope, they just don't think it's polite to lie to you, and don't care about trying to tell you what they think you want to hear instead of telling you what they think.

"Autistic people sometimes have emotional meltdowns for absolutely no reason" nope, you're just insufferable to be around and the person with the lowest tolerance of your shit is simply the canary in the coal mine who breaks first.