#~Officially being diagnosed with crippling social anxiety

[pastelaspirations]

YES. HOLY CRAPP, YEESSS. TWO PEAS IN A POD, WE ARE, I'M SCREAMING

Y e s. I agree so h a r d, man. Ink being socially awkward and having a hard time articulating his feelings because he lowkey views his feelings as meaningless and fake anyway = peak. IT GIVES SO MUCH ANGST POTENTIAL.

He wants to love Error so much, but he really believes he can't. He's soulless. If a soul is what creates the feeling of love, how can he truly feel it if he lacks the thing that is required to make it??

I'm also just. Holding my head. So many of my writings has Ink having difficulty saying "I love you" precisely because of this reason. I have literally had this headcanon for so long, you don't understand.

BUT ERROR, MAN. HE DON'T C A R E. TO ERROR, HE GOT PROOF. SO WHAT IF INK NEEDS HELP TO FEEL EMOTIONS? THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM ANY LESS REAL

To Error, just because Ink needs a lil extra help to feel something that other people don't even need to think about doesn't make his emotions any less real. His smiles are just as genuine. His tears are just as heartbreakingly real... If anything, to claim his emotions are any less real because he needs vials to fully access them is a little bit ableist, no? Especially since Ink didn't c h o o s e not to have a soul really. (This even fits if you consider Ink ripped his soul out willingly. Ink did that because he didn't plan on surviving that. He thought he would die. I doubt he would have gone through with it if he knew it wouldn't have killed him)

BUT YES. It's insane how I literally agree with everything you said, you're so incredibly based, man. I am also SO HONORED, MAN, THAT MY UNHINGED RAMBLING INSPIRED ANOTHER SCRUMPTIOUS DOODLE. I shall hold it close to my chest and love it forever <3

Also, it's. Just kind of funny. Your doodle reminded me of something similar that I drew. It kind of just shows how similar/peas in a pod we are, man

Can you guys tell I have a favorite pair of sillies yet . . .

[xplrvibes]

What were the key things you found interesting/ liked most in the podcast/interview from yesterday?

So, aside from the things I already covered in the previous asks from aussie anon (just search the "aussie anon" or "snc video review" tags on my blog if you want to read those!), here is what I found interesting/noteworthy during yesterday's podcast:

1, The anxiety discussion: I may have mentioned this earlier (I can't even remember anymore), but I found it interesting how they both found and bonded with each other because of their crippling insecurities, shyness, social awkwardness and anxiety, and yet they both experience/d that in such different ways, and have dealt with it in different ways as well.

I may have said this before as well, but to me, there is a difference between anxiety with a little a, and Anxiety with a big A - and these two are a great example of those differences and how they present themselves and are dealt with. (This is not an indictment for or against anyone suffering from either form, btw - I just think there are difference between the two different ways people can experience anxiety and how they are handled).

Sam has "little a" anxiety. His anxiety was situational, had a clear starting/trigger point, and could be mitigated by addressing the triggers. He had severe insecurity in himself and had a massive fear of public speaking and being noticed because of that; hence, the thought of being noticed or putting himself out there triggered anxiety in him. Once he gained the confidence he needed to put himself out there, he figured out the key to managing those anxious situations, and hasn't had many issues with it since.

Colby has "big A" Anxiety (and yes, I know Sam hastened to say "we haven't been diagnosed" and that's fine, but I'm still rolling with this cause as a person with the official big A Anxiety diagnosis and certificate, I recognize the signs). His Anxiety is chronic, probably chemical, and can present itself at any time, for any reason. There may be some clear triggers (I know he mentioned before that feeling trapped can trigger it), but just as often, he probably just wakes up anxious with no idea why. There's no clear start, and no clear ending to it. It just...is. Knowing is half the battle though, and once you recognize what is going on with your body and what the symptoms are, then yes - you can work with that to lessen the stranglehold it has on your daily life. It is a never-ending struggle, though, and he explained that pretty well (for what little he actually did spend explaining it).

2, Sam's dad being so business minded and smart that he could not only see that these two crazy kids had something going, but that he convinced them to start up their company while they were still in high school is wild. That man has the true gift of foresight lol.

Also, on the subject of parents: all this talk of Sam's dad being such a help to them, so supportive of them, and a hero of sorts to Sam...and all we get from Colby is "our families weren't always supportive." :/

3, The fact that as soon as they got away from Sam's dad's influence, they immediately got scammed into signing away all their adsense under a shitty 3 year deal is kind of funny, actually. I mean, it's sad that it happened, but another point there for our old pal Kirk Golbach, who never woulda let that shit fly, amirite?

Not to mention, this is probably part of the reason why they are so involved in the decision making in every aspect of their business even now and I understand that, having dealt with vendor contracts for a huge portion of my career even though I am emphatically NOT a lawyer. I can only trust myself to not scam myself...so I get it.

4, I think I mentioned this already, but the Sam Pepper Prank.

Look, I know that this fandom has a habit of woobifying Sam, and I know it stems from this. It does. Let's stop denying that this set the tone for how everyone views and treats Sam vs Colby, even to this day.

But the fact that people have gone so far with their delusional that Sam is this hapless little meow-meow and Colby is the dark brooding villain that they would rather believe an utterly ridiculous conspiracy that Sam would actually lie about his trauma o save the guy who happily traumatized him than believe that maybe Sam is not perfect and was just as willingly involved in this, has always frustrated the fuck out of me.

This man has stated multiple times over the years that he was in on it. Why would he lie? Huh? Tell me. It wouldn't have been to protect Colby, cause why would he do that? From things they've said in the past, they weren't getting along that well back then anyway, and their careers obviously hadn't yet taken off to the point where it would've been detrimental to them to split off. If anything, had he split off from Colby at that time, he probably would've fared better than Colby had (since sympathy would've been on his side) so...why?

Sam Golbach is not that altrustic. Nobody fucking is. Nobody. If my mother did something like that to me, I'd motherfuck her all over the internet. Forget a friend trying it.

So...he's explained his method acting at length and how far he went to make this happen, how into it he was, etc. SO CAN WE LET THIS ONE GO NOW?!?!?

5, I admit, I completely zoned out halfway through their quasi-philosophical discussion about the egg theory and whatever else. The religious talk was interesting, but the rest? it just reminded me too much of some of the most obnoxious stoners I ever knew. These are the people who I would avoid like the plague if I saw them pulling out a joint lol.

6, snc love to speak as though they are one person who just somehow got split in two, and that was on display in this podcast. "In our life," and "our dad told us we could have a gap year" are just two examples.

Drunk Colby described it best when he said, "We're going to say something...and it's going to come out of my mouth."

Indeed.

7, The business talk - really interesting to hear the way they operate in their business, and how they've managed to keep it running smoothly all these years when they are also best friends, roommates and basically all but married.

The fact that their finances are so intertwined that they basically have joint 401k's and investments is a little scary, so let's just hope they never have a Lennon/McCartney-esque falling out lol.

But yea, the fact that they don't do anything unless both are in agreement of it is pretty interesting, although the way they kind of skirted the question of "who plays more of a lead role and gets their way more often" has me concerned for Colby, cause we know it ain't him lol.

8, This is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just don't care to be nice about this topic anymore so I'm going to say it. If you think this will upset you, then you should probably just skip this part and go right to #9:

Sam gives me fucking anxiety.

There. I said it. That man feels like an energy drink to me (in a bad way). When he was talking about his obsession with productivity and how he felt like any time he wasn't working was time wasted, I could literally feel my throat closing up from the intense up-ness of that whole discussion and his whole demeanor during it.

I've been in the corporate game for most of my career. I do not like people obsessed with productivity to the point of burn out. Their vibes make me wildly uncomfortable.

Also, I'm sorry - kind of hypocritical how he can say all that while having hired himself some editors and leaving his 50/50 partner holding the whole bag there.

Ahem, anyway: even with all that, I find it interesting that he is fully aware this is an issue, and claims to have tried to solve it. I hope it sticks, cause if it doesn't, this man will have his first heart attack at 32. Calling it now.

Also, lol at Colby being like "Nah, I can chill all day and veg out knowing that I did my shit." GOOD FOR YOU, SIR. Guess who won't be having a heart attack at 32? The supposed lazy guy lol.

9, I found the way Colby talked about having kids to be very interesting, and again - another way in which I think he and Sam differ and yet somehow wind up meshing perfectly.

It seems, from what Colby has said, that he wants to have kids in his 30s and will see that as being his new passion/job in life, meaning the kids will come first and he will gladly walk away from the constant traveling to be a present dad.

Sam, meanwhile, didn't really say much on the topic of kids, but we all know thanks to recent events that he is not ready for any of that, and kind of sees settling down as sort of an end to his youth and fun.

And you know what this made me realize? And it's sad, but I think it's something Sam sees too, maybe.

I think Colby will be the one to pull the plug on the snc channel someday.

Now, I do not think these two will ever be able to function without living in each others' back pockets - but I think Colby is going to be the one to force them both into retirement from a frequent posting and traveling standpoint, and will probably be content to just live off of whatever other side businesses and streams of revenue they will have going for their brand by then. Sam, meanwhile, is probably not going to be able to handle it and will get into either directing or producing or something like that.

But their wives are going to have to learn how to be friends with one another, or shit's gonna be awkward when these two decide to buy houses next door to one another and connect them by a tunnel in the basement.

Anyway, that's it (I think). Overall, lots of info we already knew, but a lot of new info peppered in, and a really decent look into their dynamic and who they are as people. I kind of liked it!

Bonus Item (I lied when I said I was done lol): The whole "following fat people" thing.

Colby was right with what he said, he just said it in a way that was bound to get his dumb little ass in trouble lol.

But he wasn't wrong. Look at all the controversies that happen every single day on tiktok, and how quickly everyone moves past them as soon as a new controversy pops up. There is too much content out there, too much drama, and it all just overlaps one another. This would be maybe 2 days of backlash, tops (especially if they weren't well known).

I'm not saying its right or it's wrong to do it, but that really is the way the internet operates these days.

[earlgraytay]

I think this article is relevant to a lot of the very stupid, wanky debate that I keep seeing going around my dash about TEENS SELF-DIAGNOSING WITH DID. It is a funny quirky article written by a literary fiction author about how one of her characters got into her head during the pandemic and started dispensing Wry Life Advice, disappearing as soon as the stressful situation ended.

there's this bit that I think @pervocracy wrote, about how if your culture only had two words for 'fear', and one of them was "mild nervousness about passing a test" and the other was "the bone-chilling horror of being chased by zombies in a graveyard", that keeps you from talking about a whole range of human experiences. if you have crippling social anxiety, or you have an uncommon phobia, or any kind of fear that isn't 'mild nerves' or 'IMPENDING PHYSICAL DOOM'? you're stuck choosing between two words that do not suit your experience to describe what's going on.

I think "the experience of having an entity in your head that is Not You" is actually remarkably common- way more than 1%- especially among writers/artists/actors/fandom folks, and especially among anyone who's going through a severe physical or mental stress. an entity like this can exist in varying degrees of independence-from-you and interest-in-the-outside-world. Sometimes this entity is a comforting presence, other times it's a malevolent one. some disappear as quickly as they appear, and others stick with you for your whole life.

A lot of historical cultures had a framework to explain this kind of thing. "This is your daemon." "This is your guardian angel." "You're hearing spirits; you're possessed." Mainstream Western culture rejected these explanations, and in some cases, rightfully fucking so. But we don't really have a framework to replace them.

So if you are experiencing this phenomenon, because of how our society has decided to handle it, you really only have two words for it- "imaginary friend", or "DID alter". in the vast majority of cases neither of these words are appropriate, in the same way that severe social anxiety isn't Test Jitters or IMMINENT FEAR OF YOUR LIFE.*

there is a wide range of human experiences here being collapsed into 2 points. but people who are having that experience are going to need the words to describe it. if you're a published litfic author and the experience is over, you can write an article about it and just come off as a Little Quirky. if you're a teenager on TikTok, the experience is ongoing, and the only word you're being offered is DID? you're gonna take that word.

we need more words for this range of experiences. we need more people to be able to talk about this range of experiences- including DID, which is a very different experience from Brain Octopus up there- without getting tarred as Bad Psycho Crazy. we need to stop arguing whether or not you can only have this state of being from Severe Enough Trauma; we need to be able to accept it as a natural part of how humans are without judgement or shame.

*(Not saying that having alters is the same thing as ZOMBIES IN A GRAVEYARD; it's the Wide Range Of Intensity And Experiences that I'm comparing.)

[rendezvous-ramblings]

Do you have any advice on how to combat social anxiety/anxiety in general—specifically about the future?

I don't know anyone officially diagnosed social anxiety/anxiety so I don't think I could give the best accurate advice on how to combat and grow from it. Everyone to an extent has experienced anxiety in their life and I think I do have a bit of social anxiety. I will try to find alternative ways to avoid unwanted social contact/interaction even if it's inconvenient for me. For example, if a group was blocking off the entire sidewalk (walking excruciatingly slow/goofing off) I would walk off the block and past them instead of saying excuse me to get their attention. I get nervous and anxious if I'm in a rowdy group of people who are attracting a lot of attention (positive or negative). If someone asked me a question or was trying to get my attention on public transportation, I always have my headphones in so I'd ignore them until they give up. Those are just a few examples of how I try to dodge interactions/conversations with strangers.

I wish I wasn't that cold and stand offish sometimes. I'm sure some strangers might have found me "rude" unfortunately I also do have a resting bitch face/poker face 😅 E's friend recently told me "I can never tell if you're sad, happy, or just okay." He jokingly also asked after making that comment if I was sociopath. Haha, E is definitely not dating a sociopath. I'm just not very emotional or vulnerable unless you're someone close to me.

Old patterns are very hard to break but to deal with this I've been trying to be more extroverted in levels that I'm comfortable with. I'll try new experiences and places with friends that I'm close with. They usually have friends that I haven't met before who tag along too. I'm more spontaneous with my plans now and I'm gradually "letting loose." I usually need to have plans super planned in advance to feel comfortable, but now when my friends invite me somewhere last minute I'll join in and let go of needing a plan or structure. Haha, my friends are definitely Type B people whereas I'm Type A 😬

I'm always dealing with anxiety about the future especially in terms of my professional goals. I've mentioned before in my blog that I sometimes have crippling imposter syndrome when it comes to academics even though I am among the top of my class. Another teacher/advisor once wrote in my yearbook to take things easy and be kind to myself because my 80% is usually someone else's 110%. It was one of sweetest but also reflective things that anyone has ever said to me (I wasn't very close to him but the fact that he noticed that and kindly pointed that out to me!). I tend to overwork myself and stress about things even though I end up with a more than satisfactory grade. It's unhealthy and I'm still trying to find ways to work around it. Being with close friends and E helps a lot especially if I can talk things out with them. I tend to bottle up my emotions so when I let it out it's very cathartic.

Developing healthy habits and ways of self care also helps me. I tend to question my thought patterns and reason with myself before writing my thoughts down or structuring a scaffolded plan that's better for my stress levels. If I really need to take a break I'll usually do an activity I enjoy or a "meditative" one like coloring, baking/cooking, or doing my nails. That's just generally how to deal with my every day anxiety. I acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses and I have to be realistic/honest with myself in order to "treat" my anxiety.

I would definitely seek professional advice and help if the anxiety is the clinical type. Good luck! Just know that you're not alone if you're dealing with these things personally! 💛

[wahbegan]

The Scary Asylum Trope (From Somebody Who’s Been Committed)

I can’t help but feel that the very loud and righteous voices of people with the best of intentions....who also have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about often overshadow those with a more nuanced and realistic view of the world because they’ve been through the shit. Especially on this site. In the real world, of course, both are drowned out by the man who both has bad intentions AND no idea what he’s talking about, but either way, the fact remains: people with first-hand experience of the ugliness of society saying shit nobody wants to hear, especially shit that makes the world a bit more morally grey and a bit more frightening than anyone would like to deal with are never listened to. 

 Although it’s often overlooked, I think we can all agree that the mentally ill and substance-addicted are among the most cast-off and overlooked members of society. Junkheads and crazies are already struggling to survive and nobody wants to give them a job, get too close to them, give them money, have them wandering the streets or coming into their businesses. Unlike other forms of oppression, one of the most insidious things about this is it’s opposed by almost nobody. “Don’t give that guy money, he’s a crackhead”, “stay away from that bum, she’s not right in the head, she’s dangerous”, “we can’t give you a job because of your history with substance abuse”, none of these statements are remotely controversial with the vast majority of people. A lot of people get angry when you say they should be or even suggest the mentally ill (not disabled, mind you, just ill) or addicted are even oppressed by society at all. Addicts, particularly. The general consensus is they ARE dangerous, they DO do illegal shit, they ARE unpredictable and unable to work reliably or have an interpersonal relationship with you, and most importantly...they brought this on themselves. This, of course, brings us to that great garbage bin of society’s dregs, the mental hospital.

Okay, so a bit of background. In Senior Year of college, I was alcoholic, cartoonishly depressed, and trying to deal with vague, unspecified shit that may have been trauma or a personality disorder or something I do not know, all I have ever been officially been diagnosed with is depression, but that doesn’t cover everything. I don’t know to this day exactly what’s wrong with me and I’ve gotten too old and used to it to really care enough to speculate. But long story short, one night I got too mouthy about a suicide attempt as I often do...to be honest, I think my crippling fear of the oblivion i believe follows death tends to manifest as loudly telegraphing my intentions to commit so that I have a chance to wake up even if I don’t chicken out at the last second...but anyway. My friend Vanessa came by my door and helped me down out of the home-made belt noose in my closet, and the cops were called. Cue being taken away in a cop car in handcuffs and 96 hours in a mental hospital without ANYONE believing any of my attempts to defend myself or even being put before a judge how’s that for due process ladies and gentlemen?

I won’t say what hospital I was in due to all the horrible shit I’m about to say about its character, but I WILL say when i first got there, many a joke was made about a then very topical certain someone who was known as a whistleblower and/or traitor depending on where you fall on the political spectrum who leaked a bunch of CIA and NSA shit. Oh, yeah, completely unrelated, did I mention I went to the University of Mary Washington in Fredericksburg, VA? Just a fun tidbit.

Anyway, I know this is slow in getting to the point, so let’s cut to the meat of the thing. From Outlast (the good one), to Arkham Asylum, to Silence of the Lambs, Session 9, Halloween, to House on Haunted Hill (the bad but enjoyable one), to that story some kid in grade school and/or your older sister wouldn’t shut the fuck up about that had an escaped mental patient who apparently the staff had deemed wise to give a pirate hook for a hand, the common consensus is: mental hospitals are fucking scary. More specifically, crazy people are fucking scary.

In recent years, as we’ve all grown a little more compassionate and people give the mentally ill at least a few months or years before they decide your shit is too much for them to deal with and throw you out like a leper, there’s been very strong pushback against this. Particularly on places like tumblr and other random blogs and op eds around the internet. It’s easy to see why. Dehumanizing the mentally ill is not only offensive to people who CAN actually generally understand and remember what you say about us, thank you very much, it’s just lazy. People like Michael Myers (no not that one the scary one) and Joker, who would NEVER see the inside of a hospital due to their clear intelligence and control over their actions, are thrown in an asylum as a cheap plot device, and classifying a character as crazy lets you ignore pesky little things like “character motivation” and “consistent characterization in general, fuckwit”. People may even praise your character for lacking those things if they’re cuh-RAZY enough. Again, Michael Myers (still not that one) and Joker.

I’m a huge fan of the pushback against the escaped mental patient with a hook trope. Having been a mental patient myself, I can assure you that almost all ANYONE wants to break out of that shit hole to do is get some good fucking food, sleep in a real bed, and pork their significant other. Mr. Pirate Hook, in a realistic version of that story, may have jumped the teen lovers for their car just to drive it to the liquor store and then his girlfriend’s house.

The problem is, and this is the main point of this giant fucking essay, that there is now also considerable related pushback against asylums being scary places. Ironically enough, this is coming not mainly from certifiable and dangerous-to-themselves-or-others type people. This pushback is coming from very well-meaning young adults with anxiety disorders and/or depressive episodes who are very sweet and god bless them I just know for a fact have never EVER seen the inside of one of these fucking places. It is coming from people who don’t want asylums to be seen as scary places because they want the mentally ill to want to go to them. To help them, ostensibly, but a tiny little cynical “fuck everyone” part of me thinks it’s more like to sweep their mess into someone else’s room so they don’t have to fucking handle it.

Now, before I continue, let me stress that the place I was in was a bit renowned for being a terrible shit hole. I’m sure my experience would have been a lot nicer at a suburban 50k a day mansion rehab for celebrities in the hills of Los Angeles. You don’t condemn all hotels in the world because of one particularly traumatic stay at the bumblefuck nowhere clown motel next to the old graveyard (yes that is a real thing), right? And unlike hotels, there’s no such thing as an asylum critic. A lot of people do NEED to be hospitalized for safety, and a lot of people DO, through one method or another, find themselves better off by the end of their stay. And I’m sure the go-to solution for any and all of life’s problems isn’t “tranq them in the ass and throw them in an isolation room” in EVERY hospital. But I get a sneaking suspicion it’s most of them. With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s continue.

Mental hospitals are the most terrifying fucking places in the world. Every time one of my well-meaning friends who’s never been committed says they think a brief hospital stint would do me good, I want to throw a blender at their fucking head. Every one of your relatively well-adjusted but probably on an anti-depressant or anxiety meds guidance counselor and social workers friends will list their good qualities until they’re blue in the face and tell you it’s not at all like the movies and there’s nothing to be scared of. It’s not like the movies, most of the time. Not exactly. But that resort and bond with people who have been through the same thing as you and time to work on yourself and group therapy and art class pitch they sell you on? Yeah, it’s bullshit.

Let’s continue with my story. When I was brought in from the main hospital, they first sent me to acute. I’ve been to county jail, and I’ve been to the acute treatment (read: high risk/high security) wing in an asylum, and I would pick county. Every fucking time. Bless her heart, my patient and long-suffering girlfriend at the time, who had been by my side for the whole process, was sitting next to me and holding my hand as they did the intake survey. They were at least compassionate enough or smart enough to know I would be a lot more placid and manageable with her around to let her stay for the intake process. Outside, the hallway was dark, one guy was on a prison-style wall-mounted phone, some dudes were playing cards, a woman was wandering up and down the hallway....and up and down and up and down and up and down the hallway. And from somewhere, someone was screaming. Not words. Just...screaming. Nobody seemed to do anything about it, see what she was screaming about. I don’t know if it was agony, misery, or fury. Maybe some combination of the three. On and on and on, with breaks seemingly only to get her breath back. I was in the acceptance stage at this point, and was busy shutting down emotional channels one by one and going into survival mode, steeling myself for my stay, but my girlfriend at the time...she looked terrified and broken-hearted. The thought of her leaving a loved one in this windowless pit (this wing, you see, was underground) destroyed her. I could tell. It would me, if I were in her situation. It is a traumatizing situation to be in. There’s no way out, nobody believes anything you say unless you tell them the worst, you can see that woman out in the hall passing back and forth and back in forth in the door window, and someone is screaming like she’s in Hell. Maybe she was.

The screaming was when I first realized an ugly truth and my morals were shaken into a grey zone: people who are mentally ill can be pretty fucking scary. Even if they’re harmless. I never saw that woman or found out why she was screaming. But in that moment, I desperately feared her and hoped I would never find out. It’s easy now for me to look back on her with compassion and pity and feel ashamed for my reaction, wish I could have helped her, but then...I was already in a fragile place. She scared me. And this leads to the next conclusion, even worse. You scare other people, and maybe it’s understandable that they’re scared. 

I deeply repress my anger. I have never in my life been violent or had the urge to be, and I don’t plan on changing that. But my anger is repressed. It can take a lot of battering before it shows itself...but when it comes out, it’s in a sudden, explosive, deep-throat scream worthy of a jump scare in a horror movie showing a protagonist is losing his mind and can’t be trusted any more. I usually only get about half a sentence out in this way before I scare myself, my eyes go wide with horror, I clap my hands over my mouth and run out of the room crying. But by then it’s too late. I got so drunk so often I forgot huge chunks of my past and have no idea what I said or did. I emotionally wounded people. I acted unpredictably. I asked to borrow a friend’s cigarette while she was DRIVING, and casually, with no warning, ground it out on my arm. My girlfriend often found me passed out through booze or asphyxiation or covered in blood. Crazy is undeniably scarier to live with than it is to witness, and I often get frustrated when it feels like people don’t remember or fully understand that. But...that doesn’t mean witnessing it isn’t fucking horrible. People were being perfectly rational to be afraid around me. Never afraid OF me, everyone who knows me knows of my physically gentle nature (with others) and desperate desire to be a good person. But they were afraid: afraid of my behavior when I wasn’t in control, of what reckless and insane shit I might do to self-destruct and/or inadvertently hurt people around me.

Thankfully, my intake survey and a nurse who noticed my relatively normal behavior both indicated I should be in the (above-ground!) high-functioning wing, so I was quickly moved there. I never figured out who that scream belonged to. But even in high-functioning...it wasn’t much reprieve. A woman shit the bed, a man fresh out of acute regaled us with stories of getting tranqed and thrown in isolation because he had barricaded himself in his room with all his furniture and berated the orderlies as they tried to force their way in about “you should really bolt the furniture down it’s a safety risk I could be killing myself in here” because he was bored. My only friend in the wing, who I really did like quite a lot and still do even though we fell out of touch, had a roommate who was always acting like she was just on the edge of doing something fucking stupid. Once, her husband smuggled her a shaving razor, which she whipped out in front of my friend, waving it around and threatening to kill herself. When my friend alerted the orderlies, this woman put it (IN ITS CASE I always feel I should clarify) up her pussy to hide it and feigned ignorance, resulting in my friend going to isolation. No tranq though. This was the high-functioning unit, after all.

Your one-on-ones with the psychiatrist were roughly 3-5 minutes in length and consisted of medication questions and asking if you were literally going to beat your head against a wall until you died in the next 15 minutes, otherwise talk about it in group. The more you insisted to this man that you were fine and shouldn’t be here and inquired about the legal status of your incarceration and when you could be released, the worse he thought you were. 

There were times to gather and talk about feelings. There was art. Some people were very good at it. Visiting hours. But most of the time was just...sitting. Sitting, bored out of your god damned skull, so bored you might just barricade your room with all of its furniture and laugh and laugh and laugh as the orderlies try to force their way in. The patient man doesn’t need to inflict physical torture to break someone. Isolation and boredom do things to the human mind, maybe sooner, maybe later, but...up there, I said hospitals make a lot of people better. They also make a lot of people worse. Then they have to stay for longer. When they’re finally released, they don’t remember how to live in the normal world and soon end up back inside. 

Just like prison. Make no mistake, the asylum is a prison. A prison where nobody believes a god damned word that comes out of your mouth. A prison for people nobody wants to deal with. A prison where they stick you with people whose crazy does NOT fuck with your crazy and you start to think maybe people are right for not wanting to deal with you after all. That’s the worst part of negative emotional reactions to symptoms of mental illness. How god damned much they remind you of yourself. The trauma I mentioned off-hand up there was that my ex from High School may or may not have abused me it’s complicated and fuzzy i don’t remember it’s not important. What is important is a new girl came in once who casually admitted to abusing her boyfriend. I backed away slowly and retreated into a private room, where my one friend had to comfort me. Later, the class clown, Mr. Barricade Tranq-in-the-Ass, made a rape joke in front of her. A rape survivor.

Everyone’s mind breaks in very similar ways, but for very different reasons and with just different enough symptoms and fears and psychotic hatreds that there WILL be people in your unit you fucking hate, whose crazy and yours grind on each other’s gears. There will be people you are afraid of, people you’re stupidly attached to for no reason other than they’re there and nice to you.

Throwing all these people in a hole and throwing away the key does not create an environment conducive to anyone’s mental health. Then, of course, there’s the treatment. Yes, like I said, if you’re willing to petition like 5 people about it and constantly remind them, you may get some good one-on-one time. You may get some good nuggets out of group therapy. You might make nice art. Mostly, though, they cut you off from the outside world and take you away from everything you love and put you with a bunch of potentially terrifying strangers and just fucking leave ya there. To rot. 

The problem with mental hospitals is the problem they’ve always had. No, obviously nobody’s head is in a cage and they don’t electrocute and lobotomize you, but the theory is the same. They want you to stop being crazy. But first, and foremost, they want to keep you there and keep you under control. That is the primary goal. Not treatment. Keeping you there and controlled. I suppose if you consider the history of asylums it’s quite humane, but I wasn’t joking up there about the tranqs in the ass.Everything from death threats to trying to pork another patient to getting too lippy with a nurse is treated with the tried and true ass-tranq isolation room. How long will you be in there? Who knows!! Until they remember they put you in there and/or the shit that you’ve smeared on the walls starts to smell. 

And all of this leads to the most horrible conclusion of all, the kind that makes people truly lose their minds if they think about it too long in that Lovecraftian/Poe kind of way where your hair turns white: maybe there is no right way to handle mentally ill people, and if there is, we sure as fuck haven’t found it yet.

The mentally ill are oppressed and deserve compassion. Love. Support. But we can also be terrifying to the mentally well, to each other, to ourselves...and forcing all of these people into a cage they don’t want to be in with strangers who they’re irritated with and scared of who are irritated and scared right back at them and leaving them in this weird, artificially constructed, regimented society until you deem them fit to leave is....ha. Well, it’s crazy!. And it is scary. And it can and often does make people worse. 

So please, don’t...don’t say mental hospitals shouldn’t be seen as scary or shouldn’t be used in horror. By all means, do it. But do it well. Look to Outlast. See, in Outlast, the set-up is very trite. Big asylum, patients escaped and massacred the staff. But you’re there on a tip that human rights abuses and clandestine experiments were being performed. Most of the inmates are doing vaguely unnerving shit but are harmless, just like a real hospital. Some are just fucking watching TV. And the game is never satisfied with “this guy’s crazy.” Walker, the ‘UGE FUCKIN GOI who everyone’s terrified of has awful PTSD and if you listen to his idle dialogue, is always muttering about containment protocol and stopping the spread of something. And by the end of the game, you realize he might not be as crazy as he seemed, and that the patients massacring the hospital staff was completely understandable and maaaybe even a little bit their own fucking fault. One guy, in an absolutely heart-wrenching and my absolute favorite part of the game, is just sitting broken in a burning kitchen talking about how this place took everything from them because nobody cares about a few abused or dead lunatics, so he’s gonna burn the whole fucking thing down.

You know what it basically comes down to? Most of the crazy people aren’t dangerous. Some are, but the ones that are have clear motivations. Crazy ones, but motivations. Almost like........ooohhh the point emerges REAL FUCKING PEOPLE! Make villains crazy. Well, all right to be honest, it wouldn’t hurt to slow down a bit on that, but I don’t want it to stop entirely. Depict asylums as the Hellish shit holes they are. But for God’s sake, just write mentally ill people like human beings. A human being you can’t understand isn’t the same thing as a non-human. Nobody does things for NO reason at all. If you’re writing a crazy villain, don’t make him evil because he’s crazy and the symptoms of his crazy are being evil; if you’re setting something in an asylum, make sure the horror doesn’t start and end with guys in straightjackets frothing at the mouth and screaming about how they want to fuck whoever’s walking past them in the aorta. 

I don’t want the truth about us, our condition, our capacity for harming those around us, or how fucked up it is how society treats us because it has no idea what the fuck it’s doing sanitized because it’s difficult to deal with and there are no clear good guys.

[neensinkorea]

A mental diagnosis that helped my college career

“Uh, I’m ok,” I say as my friend urges me to come meet her friends. I’m reluctant to go, but I introduce myself anyway. Meeting new people means I have to actually talk. My friend ignores my silent resistance as she drags me closer to the large, intimidating group. The circle opens up as we approach, and a happy burst of energy exudes from the group. I’m uneasy. Sweaty palms, dry throat, and trying to muster up a smile. I could hear the heartbeat in my ears. They start greeting me, and I greet them back the best I can. My face feels hot, and it felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I felt pathetic.

(My mind is in a constant limbo)

I was officially diagnosed with social anxiety around the age of 18. As a child, I was stamped as, “oh, she’s just shy,” or “it’s just a phase, she’ll grow out of it.” I could feel the anxiety even as a young child. I never invited friends over for birthday parties, because I hated being the center of attention. At school, I grew a habit of averting my eyes whenever the teacher asked for an answer to a question. Unlike most people, I favored group projects, because then at least I could present in front of the room with three other members.

(Looking at the uncertainty from the inside, out)

My confidence rose a little in high school. I still felt judged no matter where I went or who I talked to, but an inner voice would tell me it was silly to worry about things like that. My freshman year of college was tough. I was staying in a dorm with five other girls and the amount of college work was overwhelming. Everywhere I went, a constant, “It’s ok” looped over and over in my head. Even in my classes with over 70 people, I worried about them judging me. Was I sitting weird? Why were they staring? My suitemates didn’t help the situation. They would invite friends over every other night, and when I opened the door, I could feel my face turn red even though I knew they weren’t looking at me.

(The rest of the world vs me)

I didn’t want to admit I had a problem, but eventually I caved and went to get diagnosed. I felt slightly relieved when she said I had social anxiety disorder. It was step one into figuring myself out. Because my symptoms were not crippling, I decided to go the non-medicated route. I would be lying if I said that everything is all flowers and sunshine now. I still feel nervous when I step out of the house. I still practice conversations in my head thousands of times before saying them out loud. But I am facing my demons.

[asking-jude]

I might be seeing a therapist soon. In the past I've been diagnosed with MDD and GAD, but I've done a lot of research and I believe I also have OCD and C-PTSD, but I don't know how to tell the therapist that. I'm awful at describing how I feel so I think they often don't understand how severe my symptoms are and don't take me seriously, and my mom says all the time I don't have OCD and PTSD just because my symptoms aren't as bad as hers (which are really bad). I wish they'd take me seriously

Hey there. If you suspect that your symptoms coincide with the diagnosis of OCD or C-PTSD then perhaps you may have the disorder. I really suggest and encourage that you see a therapist, and soon. If you’ve already been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and major depression, you should really be seeing someone in any case to help you deal with these disorders, which are quite serious, especially while experiencing them together. If you happen to have OCD and PTSD as well, then you should see someone to get officially re-diagnosed.

Your therapist is your confidant and someone you should be able to trust. It’s important that you tell her that you think you may have these issues so they can adjust their ideas for treatment. If you believe you don’t express yourself well enough, whether it is with the therapist or with your family, then this is okay. Some people are not as able to eloquently phrase the thoughts and ideas that are going through their head, especially if the anxiety and depression they are experiencing is affecting daily function and routines. Mental illness is crippling, and can prevent you from being as sharp and well-spoken as you may wish to be.

I’m very sorry that your mom undermines your feelings and concerns. If she is not a therapist or psychiatrist, then she has no credibility to tell you if you have the disorder or not. Even so, she should not be discrediting the possibility of you having the disorder because her symptoms may be more severe. One has nothing to do with the other. You may still have the disorder even if she has more extreme symptoms. You both may have the disorder, or she may be misdiagnosing herself.

If I were you, don’t take what your mother says to heart, although it is easier said than done. Be pushy, if needed, to see a therapist and/or psychiatrist. And if you still feel worried that you will have trouble speaking to them and explaining yourself, just remember that they are well-trained in this field, and will find ways to get you to express yourself in an easier manner, and will understand what you are saying, even if you don’t.

As far as your GAD is concerned, Asking Jude published a great video on social  anxiety. While I understand these are two different disorders, many of the tips and tricks provided can help you cope with the symptoms of anxiety: https://youtu.be/HoiOxyEm3qI. Please, subscribe and support us! 

I hope this helps, and good luck.

With love, Angelique Zak

Support Asking Jude in more ways than one: @askingjudeSelf-help videosDonate

[rouge-heichou]

personal ramble

Contains Mental Illnesses, so there might be a trigger warning? Idk. 

K so, as I mentioned yesterday I’m semi diagnosed with BPD. And I also said it scares me and I can not help it but overthink this shit. 

Nothing’s official yet, it’s just a high likelihood.  Apparently the likelihood for BPD is like 5 times higher, when a first-degree blood-relative has it, well my brother has/had. 

Given I have been in college for education and social science and had a couple Psychology classes, I knew what BPD was exactly and it shocked me how I could literally tick all the boxes but nonetheless, I’m no social worker, psychiatrist or psychologist who knows, so I didn’t take it all too seriously and kinda shrugged it off with “Yeah, that’s probably just depression related, its better not to self-diagnose.”. 

Still the thought kinda remained but yeah, no over thinking done. 

But after yesterday, I’m over thinking so much, I can’t believe I’m even more pessimistic than I usually am. 

In 2012, I’ve been in a semi-stationary therapy over about... 13 weeks. Back then, I was diagnosed with, I quote: “Depression and Personality Disorder”. 

Depression? Yeah, that’s pretty straight forward. 

Personality Disorder? That sounds really damn generalised. 

But I shrugged that off as well, thought that was kind of the placeholder for my crippling anxiety. 

So when I now think back to what I had told the therapist the first time I went there... Which was something along the lines of 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m super close with my friends but sometimes, even if they only ask me for a tissue, I randomly get so pissed off that I wish I could just smash their head against a wall.”

“I get randomly so angry at people for no apparent reason. Or sometimes the reason is just so dumb that I don’t understand why I even get angry in the first place. Sometimes I feel like, it’s only something that’s not even involving me in the slightest”

I’m not sure if those previous therapists had an idea of what was going on, but just couldnt name it? Didnt want to name it? Even after knowing that my brother has BPD and was even treated in the same hospital as me? 

And I feel like, all this is getting worse and worse. If you asked me to describe my personality to you one day, I will do. But two weeks later, it’ll be something different. One day I’ll tell you I’m super caring and want all the cuddles and affection and the next day I’ll tell you I don’t want anyone to be near me, and I can’t be bothered to care for anyone because everyone will leave me anyways. 

I just... feel like, all the shit I had thought was just me being really weird or sensitive about, finally has a name and I hate it. Knowing that BPD got it’s “Borderline” from the fact that it’s considered a borderline psychosis scares me so much. 

I was hoping and wishing that going back to college and intense behavioural therapy would fix me within (according to psy’s) a year or two. But right now? I don’t think this will be solved within a year or two...  I don’t even think I can avoid taking meds at this point... Especially since the woman yesterday told me to get a psychiatrist in order to get meds, as soon as possible... 

I’m freaking scared of possible side effects of making this shit hole that’s depression already even worse and making those thoughts of “I have no reason to live” even more apparent. - I mean, I live fucking alone. There’s no one to keep an eye on me. Me living alone is terrible, me living alone has resulted in self-harm because my mind went all like “No one is watching you anymore. It’s easy to hide now.”. I’m already scared of myself. 

Like, my mind is so blank right now, I just can’t stop thinking about how terrible the next years will be. I don’t know about other places but there aren’t a lot therapists here who will put up with BPD patients. My brother was looking for one for years, finally had one but that one fucking retired and now he’s looking for a new therapist for over a year again as well. 

I’m scared that’s not gonna get fixed until it fixes itself in like my 40′s... I don’t want to feel like this for the next 20 years or so...

[j-derioux]

how does ‘popularity’ relate to misdiagnosis?

As some very, very quick background for this question... I am a CSA survivor, born with some pretty strange looking genitalia. It’s like my body tried to form a male set, then stopped abruptly and formed the female set. So completely that I had children. But my ‘clitoris’ is still so much of a penis that it gets erections and can be stimulated in the exact same ways to great effect. Makes me feel weird. It looks kinda weird. My sexual partners have been great about it for the most part.... another story for another time. Sorry. Not sober- having a hard time tonight.

Anyway. As a CSA survivor, some fucked up shit happened to me a long time ago and I coped in some pretty odd ways. Very recently, I’ve been diagnosed with DID by a trauma specialist. Prior to that, I bounced around in the mental healthcare system for 10 years, experiencing diagnosis after diagnosis. Depression, obvious. Anxiety, yeah. Crippling Anxiety-- not the official name, just what it is. Sometimes. 

And then one therapist suggested that maybe I was actually transsexual. They thought I should start HRT as soon as possible. I expressed doubt, told them that I’d already done reading, that I’d read that childhood sexual trauma causes some complications in this regard. That from what I had researched, it can make diagnosing this a little more complicated.

Who knows if that’s true. I don’t think anything is black or white. I was happy with testosterone for 3+ years until no dosage felt right. Nothing felt right as a man at that point.... my husband and I wanted kids, anyway, so we quit hormones and got pregnant. With twins. Now we’re 8 months post-birth and trying to figure shit out.

So the question. That took a long fucking time, shit.

How many people have been misdiagnosed? Or was I? How much does the media and social popularity effect the rate of official diagnosis***? Is it terrible to really prefer it if people have that? As someone who struggled for over a decade to achieve a diagnosis, I can understand either side. I’d just like to see more healthy discussions and answers available. 

***-prior to my diagnosis and letter recommending HRT, being gender variant was virtually unheard of, at least in my state / region. It wasn’t that popular on social media, either. It seemed that shortly after my “generation” was either diagnosed or came out that it was suddenly ‘normal’ (and it’s valid, no worries, I don’t mean the quote marks, it’s just that there was an incredibly drastic social change in a very short amount of time on the outlook of this thing) and at that point...

 I don’t know. I’m just concerned as someone who was misdiagnosed that others may find themselves in the same situation and have their recovery set back by years because of it.

[telnaga]

aid for a disabled enby lesbian in need

this is my friend Celeste, or the picrew she was comfy putting in this post. I’m making this on behalf of her, because she needs help, and doesn’t really use social media. but she’s a punk leftist in need. the financial aid she was being given by a friend has just cut off.

I am from near Detroit, MI. My name is Celeste. I'm 21. I go by they/them or she/her pronouns. I'm a vegetarian. I'm an enby punk lesbian who gardens, plays videogames, writes, has aspirations to be a polyglot, listens to too much EDM; alt rock; and post punk music, has an interest in occult stuff, learning bass guitar, reads and watches movies I guess, wants go into computer science, and a myriad of other things.

I am in chronic pain 24/7 in my back and legs that prevents me from being physically active. I haven't been able to get an official diagnosis. I have some kind of mental illness. I have panic attacks when people are rude to me and struggle with porviding customer service. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety. I don't have a degree currently which makes it impossible to get a job in which I don't have to do physical labour or customer service of some kind. I went through 5 jobs in two years because I mentally and physically couldn't handle doing them. I tried to work and it just made things worse. I'd get out of work exhausted my feet numb and in pain. I couldn't fall asleep and had to keep moving them to stop the pain from bothering me too much for a few hours after work. Sometimes I'd work more than part time and my back would get so bad I couldn't bend. I started taking legal drugs and alcohol to try and help the pain but that didn't help much. I currently take weed mostly to help. I tried NSAIDS and they upset my stomach to the point I get crippling nausea and have to lie down.

I have diagnosed sleep apnea which is untreated and I can't currently do anything to help immediately. Weed helps me sleep. I got addicted to caffeine and started abusing it to help combat depression, fatigue, pain, and poor sleep. It just made things worse and upsets my stomach, ruins my mood and causes me to feel mentally overwhelmed and sometimes be on the verge of a panic attack. I don't have a medical marihuana license although I'd like one. I've tried doing physical therapy and it helped a bit but I couldn't afford it. I tried talking to a therapist to get help with mental illness and they refused to help me get diagnosed. I ended up having to quit my last job because I was transitioning, couldn't handle the all the stress and physical pain, and got plantas fasciitis that led to bone spurs and crippling pain in my feet which has improved significantly but the leg and back pain remain.

My grandmother and other relatives have had bone spurs and fibromyalga. I talked to her about it and she said it's likely I have it too although I haven't been able to get diagnosed. I feel tired constantly due to my sleep apnea and I've tried taking melatonin which just makes me have nightmares and feel loopy the nextt day. Weed is the only thing that really helps.

I need dental work done. Mostly cavities although there might be more serious stuff.

Both my parents are poor and we've had to rely on financial aid almost my entire life and it hasn't been enough.

We have a massive hole in our interior ceiling and insulation from water damage, half our power outlets and lights don't work, we only have one shower in a bathroom that gives me anxiety and has made me have panic attacks, we have no hot water, we have no working sinks, we have one toilet that has to be manually flushed, we have parts of our floor that have rotted through, we have a broken ventilation system, I have a mentally unstable family that causes me anxiety and stress, we only have one car that we can't afford to maintain to drive three people to and from work, we have a broken furnace. I have at least $120 + $45 + $50 + $50 + $??? in medical debt It costs me $200+ per month to buy enough weed for my needs. I have to spend $275 every two months on laser but I need full body and that'd be around $500. I need to get GRS and electrolysis to finish off the remaining hair after laser in the future. I don't have money to pay for my own necessities and I can't work.

I won't be in a better situation financially till either my parents get lucky, I can get financial aid to help cover stuff, I get lucky, or I graduate college in fourish years and get a decent job I can do.

please donate to Celeste https://www.paypal.me/anonymous356

[newsbiteswithjennysok]

Dec 9, 2019

1. Rising hip-hop talent Juice Wrld was set to attend his own 21st birthday party the day he died after suffering an apparent seizure, according to a report. The rapper, whose legal name was Jarad Anthony Higgins, had turned 21 days earlier and planned to celebrate Sunday night with a fete in his hometown, Chicago, news station WFLD reported. The “All Girls Are the Same” rapper arrived on a private jet early Sunday to the city’s Midway International Airport, where he experienced a medical emergency, Chicago police spokesman Anthony Guglielmi told The Post. Shortly after landing, he was seen “basically convulsing” in a private jet terminal and rushed to an area hospital, where he was pronounced dead, police said.

Police launched an investigation into his death, but there were no obvious signs of foul play, authorities said.The up-and-coming star — who was named Top New Artist at the 2019 Billboard Music Awards — first made waves in the music scene with his 2018 hit “Lucid Dreams.”

After his flight landed, the artist apparently swallowed a bunch of Percocet pills in what may have been a bid to hide them from authorities, sources told TMZ.

The rapper died after having an apparent seizure early Sunday at a private terminal of Midway International Airport, police said. He was brought to the Christ Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead around 3:15 a.m.

The Cook County medical examiner’s office said Monday that his autopsy is complete, but declined to rule on a cause of death, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

Officials said they’re waiting on the results of additional tests, including for “cardiac pathology, neuropathology, toxicology and histology.”

2. The father of kidnapping survivor Elizabeth Smart has revealed how he prayed he was not gay and struggled to accept his sexuality amid the collapse of his 34-year marriage. Ed Smart made the stunning announcement that he is gay and would be divorcing his wife Lois and leaving the Mormon Church in August. Three months later, the 64-year-old shared intimate details about his internal battle to come to terms with his sexuality in an emotional interview with CBS This Morning's Gayle King aired Monday.   Ed described how he consulted with therapists and church leaders in hopes of concluding that he wasn't actually gay, because 'I didn't want to believe I was'.  'How do you cure being gay? There is no cure. And for all of those out there that are struggling in the same spot, there is no cure,' he told King. 'This is absolutely not a "choice". And I wish my wife knew that. I wish that more than anything.'

3. Cardi B gets real about monogamy in her new cover interview with Vogue, published on December 9. The “Press” rapper, 27 — who is one of four powerful moms to cover the magazine’s January 2020 issue — poses with her 17-month-old daughter Kulture Kiari Cephus in red on the new cover.

The mother of one doesn’t hold back in her candid interview, in which she discusses how motherhood has changed her; a new album; the scrutiny of ever-escalating fame and how social media effects her; and, the most hot button topic of all, her marriage to Migos rapper, Offset. Cardi goes into great detail about how she and the Atlanta rapper, 27, overcame his infidelity last year. The pair, who secretly tied the knot in September 2017, split in December 2018 after Offset cheated on Cardi. However, they eventually reunited earlier this year.

“When me and my husband got into our issues — you know, he cheated and everything — and I decided to stay with him and work together with him, a lot of people were so mad at me; a lot of women felt disappointed in me,” Cardi admitted, explaining, “But it’s real-life shit. If you love somebody and you stop being with them, and you’re depressed and social media is telling you not to talk to that person because he cheated, you’re not really happy on the inside until you have the conversation. Then, if you get back with them, it’s like, how could you? You let all of us down.”

At the end of the day “everybody has issues,” Cardi said, noting, “I believe in forgiveness. I prayed on it.” — Something both she and Offset did together. “We had priests come to us. And we just came to an understanding like, bro, it’s really us against the world. He has my back for everything, I have his back for everything, so when you cheat, you’re betraying the person that has your back the most. Why would you do that? We have come to a clear understanding,” Cardi explained. “For me, monogamy is the only way. I’ll beat your ass if you cheat on me.”

Vogue briefly spoke with Offset, who gushed over his “outspoken” wife. “It’s not an easy thing. We both have our own households. But you grow,” he said of his marriage. “We’re way better now with communication. She’s balancing a lot. She feels like she can’t be absent a lot, and our jobs are crazy. But I think motherhood got her more focused. I always tell her, don’t follow the comments. But she’s been outspoken on things since before she was making music — she’s not ever putting on, she’s not ever being cool,” Offset said, concluding with, “At the end of the day, she’s still going to rap about the same shit, which is what it’s like being a woman.”

4. The Bachelorette alums Ashley Hebert, 34, and JP Rosenbaum, 44, announced on Instagram that he is suffering from a rare autoimmune disorder called Guillain-Barré syndrome. “JP was diagnosed with Guillain-Barré syndrome yesterday,” Ashley posted on her Instagram Stories on Sunday, December 8. “He is in treatment and doing well. It may be a long road to full recovery, but we are so grateful to everyone that has helped us get to a speedy diagnosis and treatment.”

Guillain-Barré, according to the Mayo Clinic,”is a rare disorder in which your body’s immune system attacks your nerves. Weakness and tingling in your extremities are usually the first symptoms. These sensations can quickly spread, eventually paralyzing your whole body. The exact cause of Guillain-Barré syndrome is unknown. But it is often preceded by an infectious illness such as a respiratory infection or the stomach flu.”

JP, who won wife Ashley’s heart on season 7 of The Bachelorette, spoke out to his Instagram fans in a series of videos, as well. Sitting in his hospital bed, he called the diagnosis “very surreal and humbling and crazy, rare. Things you do every day, like picking up this phone, or buttoning buttons, tying shoelaces, putting on deodorant, just can’t do it. Picking up my kids, can’t do it. Wiping your ass, maybe TMI, but might have Ashley assist on the next one. Can’t really believe it.”

He added that he’ll probably have to be in the hospital for a few more days, but he and Ashley are remaining optimistic about his prognosis. “I know there’s lot of physical therapy in my future,” he said. While there is no cure for Guillain-Barré syndrome at this time, there are treatments that can ease the symptoms of the disorder, and reduce its duration, according to the Mayo Clinic. The organization notes that “most people recover from Guillain-Barré syndrome, though some may experience lingering effects from it, such as weakness, numbness or fatigue.”

5. Chrissy Teigen has spoken out about her crippling battle with anxiety and how being famous has exasperated the mental health condition. Taking to Twitter to do a Q and A on Sunday, the American model, 34, said her medicine was the key to keeping her sanity. When asked if she has changed for the better since becoming a celebrity, Chrissy replied: 'Very good question. I don't know, honestly. I still see things from every perspective. But I’m also highly anxious and perceptive so it’s kind of hell for my own mind.

In another Q and A, Chrissy continued: 'I was always so nervous. I never knew what I was going to do next. I still don't really know. But it's okay. Don't just survive. Live!'.

The television personality also spoke about how fame has made it hard for her to tackle everyday tasks such as getting public transport of going to the supermarket. 

Chrissy previously spoke about her anxiety with Glamour last year, she said: 'I used to be on anti-anxiety medication because I was confused. I didn’t know where I was going in life.

ll I knew when I was younger, or when I was 18, was that I wanted kids and a husband.'

Over the last few years, Chrissy has cultivated an impressive following on social media, with 12million fans.

Her tweets morphed from partying and hangover cures to fertility issues, motherhood, breastfeeding, and postpartum depression.

She explained: 'I thought postpartum was, you have the baby and you’re sad. It was like, no. It sneaks up on a lot of people'.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

I Found Out I Had Asperger’s at 33

http://fashion-trendin.com/i-found-out-i-had-aspergers-at-33/

I Found Out I Had Asperger’s at 33

Those with Asperger syndrome are said to sit on the “high-functioning” end of the autism spectrum. While all subtypes of autism are now technically folded into a single diagnosis (autism spectrum disorder, or ASD), the breadth of the spectrum means living with ASD looks different for everyone. 

Taylor was diagnosed with Asperger’s as an adult. The process of reflecting on her life and seeing herself through a new lens has been both scary and enlightening. When I got her on the phone to hear what that’s been like, she was chatty and friendly; I detected none of the bluntness she told me she has to keep in check.

Such are the subtleties of the Asperger’s experience — and it’s why I asked Taylor to share hers. Below is her as-told-to story. –Haley Nahman

Being diagnosed

I didn’t know that I had Asperger’s until a year ago. I was 33 when I was diagnosed. It was a long process. I think being diagnosed as an adult is a very strange experience, but it was also a massive relief. As a kid, I suffered from anxiety, but doctors diagnosed me with depression and stuffed me with drugs. Now when I look back, I think I was just struggling with Asperger’s and struggling to communicate with people.

Throughout my life, I tried to mask my social anxiety and social shortcomings by being outgoing and funny — but funny in a kind of offensive way. It sometimes made people laugh, but it also sometimes made people say that I was too much. I’ve always had a strange relationship with people and the way I communicate with them. I’m very blunt; I say whatever is on my mind. A lot of people don’t like that; they prefer the sugarcoated pleasantries. I remember during one of my first jobs in media, I was asked by my boss to add smiley faces and exclamation points to my emails because I sounded so mean in them.

I moved to Berlin in 2013. That was an interesting experience because not only was I dealing with new people, but also a new culture. German people are stereotypically very blunt, as well; they’re not big into small talk [like Americans]. In that way, it was nice for me because I felt a little more normal. But two years ago, I started getting really depressed. I was having a lot of trouble making new friends. Berlin is a very transient city, so I would meet new people and they’d move away. My friend group would fluctuate a lot, and I got to a point where I had only a handful of friends, if that.

I was super-lonely. I got really depressed thinking people didn’t invite me out because they didn’t like me, so I started looking at how I am with people and how I communicate with them. I started reading a bunch of things online, and, like any good digital native, I self-diagnosed myself on the internet. I took an online Asperger’s test and it indicated I was on the spectrum. But I thought, Okay, whatever, it’s just the internet.

Then my depression got worse, and my sister, who lives in New York, finally suggested I go talk to someone. I found a psychologist and met with her and said, “I took this Asperger’s test online and it’s probably stupid…” And she said, “Not at all — you actually have a lot of the symptoms. Let’s dive deeper into it and find out.”

The [official] test is on the computer, combined with talking to someone in person and problem-solving and stuff. It’s kind of similar to the Myers-Briggs test — that was actually a component to it, as well. Mine, INTJ, turned out to be very prone to Asperger’s. The therapist gave me a lot of literature, and we kind of went on this journey together of figuring out what it means for me as an adult. It’s been scary but also such a relief.

How it feels

It’s hard for me to explain what it feels like because I can’t speak to other people’s experiences. The spectrum is massive. Different people are plotted along it in different ways. I have a cousin who is low-functioning — he’ll never be able to live on his own — whereas I am high-functioning and you wouldn’t necessarily know I have Asperger’s if I didn’t tell you. Everyone has different quirks and different ticks.

I do think there are key commonalities, though. For one, we process information differently. For example, today was a really hard day for me because my boss sent me a two-sentence email. I had to read it 20 times, say it out loud and write it down to understand it. I was so overwhelmed I actually had to step outside for a little while. I couldn’t process this one sentence that said, “Add links to the document below and draft an email and send it.” I finally had to ask my coworker, “What does this mean?” It took me 20 minutes to figure out. The email was simple.

I think for a lot of neurotypical people, it’s much easier to pick up on tone of voice, body language or other nonverbal cues and know what they mean, whereas people with Asperger’s have trouble with that. Someone may say something to me that is bitingly sarcastic and I might leave with the impression that they’re very genuine. It’s hard. Sometimes my boyfriend will have to remind me when something’s a joke.

My brain just never feels fully comfortable. People think I’m being rude when I ask a question like, “Can you repeat yourself?” But it’s not that I’m not listening or meaning to be impolite — my brain just didn’t process what they said. It’s hard to describe how it feels exactly because other brains cannot grasp the way that my brain works. I tell people, “I don’t pick up on body language” or “I can’t look people in the eye” or “I don’t like being touched” because those things are relatable, but there are processing things that are harder to explain.

For example, your boss might send you an email saying, “Hey, I need this article finished by the end of the day,” and you would think, Okay, cool. I know exactly what she’s talking about. Whereas for me, my first thought is, Is this person angry at me? Followed by What article is she talking about? and What does she mean by finished? What if she’s not happy with it? Should I write two different versions just in case? What if they’re not the right two versions?

There’s a lot of overthinking, there’s a lot of overcomplicating. Nothing ever feels simple. I can’t trust my thoughts. I don’t think people quite understand how easy it is for neurotypical people to process information. It can be really crippling for people with Asperger’s.

I have to remind myself to smile. Even with my boyfriend sometimes, he’ll get really flustered. Sometimes I’ll think I’m being really cheeky and funny and playful, and he’ll get upset because it’s just not translating. And I’ll have to say, “I’m trying to not be too blunt! I’m trying to be subtle.” Reading people’s social cues is a tough one.

Another thing with people on the spectrum is sensory overload. Often you hear about people on the spectrum who can’t be around too many lights and sounds — mine is smell. It’s really weird. I like to know ahead of time if I’m going to be somewhere where there might be overpowering smells because they might rile me up and make me really uncomfortable.

Living with it

My entire life, I never felt like a normal person. In high school, I wasn’t unpopular — I had a lot of different social groups I hung out with — but everyone I was friends with always told me, “You’re really weird, you’re really loud, you’re really this,” etc. So I never felt that anyone really liked me. My impression was more that they just put up with me. In hindsight, I know people did like me because I have friends from childhood I’m still close with, but that’s how I felt.

My best friends now know that I have Asperger’s and can pick up on when I’m struggling. It’s helpful to have people who understand my triggers so they can give me space and give me what I need. My friends will sometimes say, “Do you just need to go outside for a minute?” They know to be supportive.

Now that I know I have trouble processing, I have even more trouble with people who are not to the point and tell me [excess] information. I cut people off because I’m either taking too long to process what they said or I’ve already processed it and I’ve gotten the most information I could possibly need out of that sentence and I’m done. I have to just shut it down sometimes.

I live in England currently, and the cultural stereotype here is to be nice and polite even if you’re pissed off, so that’s something [else] I struggle with. I try to stop before I say things and make myself say them in a nice way, which feels very unnatural.

For a while after I found out, I was worried about telling people because I didn’t know that much about it. If I said I had [Asperger’s], people immediately asked what it was or responded that they’d seen a special on BBC or something. And I’d think, You have no idea. I even made my boyfriend read so much stuff, and he’s still having a hard time understanding it. My parents would say, “You don’t have Asperger’s” because they didn’t see it. It’s taken them a while to understand it.

I think now, though, I just address it head-on. If I think someone is confused or I get the sense that they think I’m being weird, I just tell them. Sometimes I also say it up front so people know. Where I work now, I made the decision to tell them from the very beginning of the interview process. It’s funny because everyone there said, “I’m fairly certain this is the perfect place for you because all the processes that we have in the office are fairly Asperger’s-friendly.” And that just means no bullshit. They don’t want fluff. Just straightforward stuff. We’re not allowed to use Powerpoint — we just use Word documents, and that’s ideal for me because I’m able to just get things out and not have to worry about pleasantries. They like when people push back and say what they mean, too. It’s been a really good environment.

There is no treatment, just awareness. I’m still navigating it all. A lot of it is reading literature and reading about other people’s experiences as well as learning from your own experiences. You can’t be embarrassed about it. All you can do is learn more and grow with it. The diagnosis has changed the way I think about myself. I think it’s empowered me. It’s made me like myself more because when you’re constantly told by people that you’re a bitch or too blunt or too whatever, it doesn’t make you feel good. My whole life, I’ve struggled with how I’ve interacted with people, and now I finally have an answer. I’m not ashamed of it.

Collages by Emily Zirimis.

[itsyybitsyyspersonalthoughts]

Journal Entry #3

After this ramble I will make an organized chart of experiences, and social upbringing and genetic traits to dissect and put together reasons why I act the way I do. Just to narrow down and try to attempt to find out if what I feel is a mental disorder or due to upbringing. 

You know, I sometimes try to tell myself there is nothing wrong with me. That I am completely normal and all I am experiencing is  normal. I sometimes think am I really feeling this way or am I just acting this way. I over analyze my thoughts and actions. There are people with more crippling conditions than me. 

Maybe I dismiss criticalness of my emotions because I haven’t been properly diagnosed so I cant truly believe that what I am experiencing isn’t normal. Is this the control aspect of me taking over? My NEED to know if what I am feeling is abnormal? Do I have an increased desire to need to know what is normal and what isn’t because I am an only child and didn’t have much guidance about what is normal and what isn’t or have any friends to compare and talk about what is normal or not. Do I really have OCD? Does this affect me by increasing my risk for developing an eating disorder? Do I truly have an eating disorder? I have never been officially diagnosed with anything. It has always been mentioned but I don’t know I haven’t been told directly. I need to have someone be clear with me. I don’t like it when people are not specific. Ambiguity is not my favorite thing in the world. Is it because I have low comprehension? Is my low intelligence due to my father/genetics? Maybe I’m not meant to continue education its like a genetic cast system. By this I mean my genetic traits have determined what I will amount to, rather than the social influence of one who lives in a cast system.

 But back to my intelligence, I truly believe I am mentally disabled in the way of having an impaired cognitive function or even motor disfunction. I can’t make my body move in the way I wan’t it to fast enough. Am I just uncoordinated? My mother said Momo is like that too. This only brings more agony to me because I feel trapped in my body. I cannot express movement, emotion, sound effectively and everything feels bottled up. I don’t have a social outlet. I don’t fit in with my age group. I don’t understand them. 

When I was younger there was always such a huge age gab between me and my family. I couldn’t sit with my mom and listen in on adult conversations and I was either ten years older or ten years younger than my cousins.

My evidence:

with cello- I was never able to express how I thought a piece should sound through my instrument. It made me so frustrated. 

high school gym- my teacher had me stay late after class with another girl (my friend) to participate in a study regarding the performance abnormalities. My friend was asked to swim a certain stroke, but before she did she was asked to explain what she was going to do, do it and then explain what she did when she returned. I had to do the same thing but a different stroke, but she had my friend leave and get changed because we were already being held behind. 

However, I am becoming frustrated with myself because I have these thoughts all day it takes over and I feel like it is taking over. I can’t concentrate in class. I am always thinking about calories. I body check several times a day. I plan my day around how many calories I will burn and consume. I park farther away from class and the gym so I have to walk more therefor burn off more calories. I make excuses to walk to my car. I have noticed I binge on weekends. My excuse to binge is that I tell myself I should eat it all now so I wont be able to later and I will be forced to eat minimally and healthy. 

I am disgusted by my roommates eating habits and weight. I have noticed I cannot remember things as I used to. Is this because of the eating disorder? Am I depressed? Am I bipolar? DO I have OCD? Do I have anxiety? Everyone seems to have anxiety now which makes me question if this is truly an imperative disorder or are we becoming more sensitive as a society due to our rearing that we have all become such sensitive and offended fucks? I don’t believe I get offended as people do now. I have trouble reading and understanding social cues but at the same time I don’t? Maybe I don’t know the exact words for what I am trying to get across that I cant explain it effectively. I hate tests that use absolute words. Because I will remember a piece of something that will not be true in one of the options but will be true in the rest but I will have to explain why I put an answer because of how the question is worded.

 I like problems that make you have to consider and think about other influencing factors. I think I am creative enough to be able to come up with reasons why a particular group may be thinking or feeling or acting out in a certain way. I believe I am just uneducated about specific cultural/community/social//religious values which really blocks me from being able to dabble in these. I love controversial topics. I love knowing information on both sides and discussing well maybe x is doing this because of a but y interprets a as 1. 

in 3rd grade on the night before our mission project was due (I remember because I waited to do it on the last minute and I made my mission out of cardboard boxes from Costco and colored a coloring page from the mission that I had been sent by the mission because Momo wrote to them about getting more information about it. Mom said that if my nose grew to be like my fathers she would pay to have me get a nose job. 

One day my mom made me french toast and my father made a comment saying “mama is trying to fatten you up” and before I took a bite I put my fork down and went to my room and closed the door. 

My dad has a thing for “big women” and expresses that all the time. He shames everyone for their appearance. EX red hair, clothing style, having glasses on facing backwards. He always says that people should just shave their head of they are balding in one area or have a receding hairline.

Area- I was never good at math problems that dealt with 3D objects or had to do with any geometry or spacial problems. 

I remember in elementary school I started catching clips of those health shows that are on at like 3pm about how to stay healthy and not get sick and lose weight. One tip was to keep an arms length away from meat sections but I swore I lost 8lbs from that. I would also count calories. 

My mom would always complain seriously about how it isn’t fair that my father eats three times as much as her but she is still :fat: but she doesn’t realize the lifestyle she lives keeps her there- she thinks she is doing a crazy amount of walking, but her restaurant store is very small, mine was twice as large. -here is me coming up with reasons why she thinks its unfair and what is really going on- so I would walk as much just being an expediter in four hours as she would being a server in 6. She also eats extremely high calorie desserts daily and lays on her ass.  I analyze my mothers personality and have found her weaknesses-driving reaction time, ability to deal with stress.

I hate the way she licks and sucks her fingers and makes humming noises about how good something was-Ive already analyzed why i feel this way

when I was in physiology we were learning about hormone imbalances and it made me suspect she had cushings syndrome because she displayed signs of the condition.

 During a holiday my cousin came over and he called my mom fat, it made me extremely angry because you don’t go up to people and say things like that so I hit him. 

My grandmother talks about how others are no good for society, she says she doesn’t believe my cousin will get anything other that working in food service because she is too boring and plain looking. She doesn’t believe Nick will get into UCI. What doesn’t she believe I will do? I heard her say “we will just be happy if she gets a degree” but degrees don’t mean shit anymore. What if I fail? Don’t succeed? I am the only child. I believe it puts a lot pf pressure on me. They’ve invested so much in me but what if I just cant do it? I don’t feel like I can do it because I am not all mentally there, I am too distracted by other thoughts. Which can prove that the overall health of the population affects access education and income resulting in education levels. 

I used to be so eager to learn. My favorite class was community health issues at LBCC. I have lost my motivation. I cant concentrate. I am not  intrigued by the information. I just want to sit on the floor and lay down all day. But then where would I burn the extra calories.

I feel happy and energetic when I work at my new job-they hate cynical which I am afraid I am but I am not when I work there I am very positive and happy despite talking to myself all the time. I think I talk out loud because I need that confirmation that what I am doing is correct. Again this can be related to being an only child and seeking approval. On my chart I will have “ONLY CHILD” as a category with a bullet list of traits that can be linked with me being an only child and a sub category of parent reaction and rearing because I was the only one. 

I  feel drained and dead when I am at home but I crave the company. I am alone. But that isn’t new. I have always felt this way so I don’t believe it is simply moving related but I am sure it is intensified. 

I have been experiencing strange body reactions. Leg and arm get that feeling where I need to extend it in a position it wont move. stretching and exercise don’t allow it to subside. I have been bleeding between my period for a week ad a half  after I saw a counselor and cried I felt happier and more talkative. I am usually irritated by talking on the phone. The way my roommate words things irritates me. “my friend” or when Im asked “what did you do all day” or “what do you think” right after saying something that is the obvious answer like why are you asking me what I think you just gave yourself the answer why do you talk about.

I cant sleep with constricting/restricting clothing like bras or leggings or long sleeves.  what is the difference between constricting and restriction (just for my understanding)

I have to stop for tonight. my left pinky feels numb and tingly and so does my left had and it is making it difficult for me to type. I am feeling restless too. I cant keep typing in a small squished position. the side of my pinky finger feels over used. 

this is just a small rant of topics to help me remember what I wan’t to go into depth in my blog to help me analyze my thoughts..

I want my first topic to be on my self diagnosed “eating disorder”and how it has physically affected my body and my worries about possible thyroid interference.

to be continued...