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luminique · 2 months ago

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Fate, Hollows, Grief and Lighter.

cw // mentions of death, angst, comfort. 4.8k words, not proofread, lighter x gn reader. happy birthday lighter !

You don’t have to be an expert to understand that hollows are confusing. There’s a lot of mystery that goes around them despite the amount of resources that is put into its research. Everyday, it’s some new discovery, some new technology, some new treatment related to them. You told Burnice to switch through the other channels on the mini television at the bar, you didn’t get much of the newer shows in the Outer Ring but you did get the boring news channel.

“Joining us for today’s program is Miss Hoshimi Miyabi from the Hollow Special Operations Section 6. I believe that she needs little to no introduction as your team has been making the rounds online with the most recent case,” a man wearing a black suit, presumably the host, guided the camera over to the thiren next to him with his hand. You’ve seen her before, the proxies that the Sons of Calydon have worked with also mentioned Section 6 as one of their clients. Not everyone can just step into a hollow, even the proxies themselves don’t go in there willingly.

After a moment of silence between the host and Hoshimi Miyabi, the man finally breaks the ice. “Well, we are not here to discuss the controversy; however, there has been a recent discovery regarding the hollows. According to the White Star Institute, your team was able to control Hollow Zero and noticed how time was affected in there. Can you please elaborate on that?” The host was clearly uncomfortable by her quiet demeanor, thinking he’d be interviewing someone who was not as unapproachable as her.

Time, huh? That’s nothing new, even the Tour de Inferno had improved its recording equipment in order to reduce the delay between the inside and outside of the hollow. “Yes, due to its high ether energy, Hollow Zero has the ability to manipulate time, causing us to fight ethereals we had initially already taken down.” The fox thiren finally spoke, her voice was clear and confident, fitting for a chief. The host beamed at her answer, you could see the worry in his eyes when she took a moment to respond to him. “Were there any other anomalies aside from that? The claim coming from the White Star Institute is rather large and I believe that viewers at home would love to hear your experience.”

Lighter notices you staring at the screen intently, it was a rare sight for you to be so engrossed in such a show. He taps the counter a couple of times as he sat on the stool next to you, Burnice immediately understood what that gesture meant. His hand came up to your side, resting it on your hip. “Didn’t know you were into this kind of thing,” his smooth voice cut through your train of thought. You barely even noticed him, finally back from a few small fights but barely even a scratch on his face.

“They’re talking about hollows, those proxy friends of yours should know more about it than this old man on the screen.” you pointed the remote at the screen, not changing the channel though. “My deputy chief, Tsukishiro, found herself reliving a moment from her past relating to another member of my team. Asaba said that he was beginning to see the same ethereal over and over again. For me, on the other hand….” a moment of silence from the young lady as her hands gripped on her neat skirt. “I was able to see other possibilities of my past decisions and how they’d affect my current self.” Her usual commanding voice began to sound slightly weak and shaky yet her expression never faltered.

It slowly clicked in your head. This new discovery was not the simple time manipulation that had been publicly known for years, it was instead a lot more complex. A lot scarier, a lot more complicated and even went into the realm of alternate timelines. Was that even possible? Time travel and theories of alternate timelines have been one of humankind’s biggest questions. Would this not have been found out earlier while researching other hollows? Every smaller hollow around Eridu came from the existence of Hollow Zero, what made those any different?

You turn to look at Lighter, his usual laid back demeanor now mirrored yours. He hadn’t even touched his drink once since Miyabi had spoken. “Now look who’s the one staring at the TV,” you teased as you pushed on his shoulder lightly. His sunglasses slipped down his nose bridge, he cleared his throat as he pushed his shades up. “I just thought it was interesting, nothing more,” he pretended to not show how much that information meant to him.

If you could do it all over again, would you? The opportunity was presented right at him, albeit from a boring show on the TV. Rarely was it ever on this channel, as Burnice would normally choose to have it on some sort of sports or music channel. However, she’d listen to her customer in front of her and on this early evening, it was only you sitting there.

The thought was intriguing, he did have a higher ether aptitude than most. Venturing into hollows alone, with a carrot, wasn’t anything new to him, especially not after the passing of his fallen comrades. He doesn’t know exactly where they were last but he’d often bring flowers to where he found their dog tags, at least he knew they were there at one point. He knew that time worked differently inside the hollows, communication becoming an issue inside and outside of it, but he didn’t know anything more than that was capable.

No, no. He can’t just go into Hollow Zero and come out unscathed like it’s a normal fight. He could live his whole life not knowing what would’ve happened if he had chosen to go with them but the knowledge that he can, at least, see its possibility… that was eating at him. After you had teased him, the idea was still there. Who wouldn’t want to know what happened during that one moment in their life? Who wouldn’t want to know the answer to ‘what if’ and ‘if only’? He shook his head, trying to get rid of the curiosity building up in him.

Cold glass, the refreshing drink that he had gotten accustomed to since joining the Sons of Calydon now tasted bitter. No lollipop in his pocket to distract him from his thoughts. Another harsh swallow, he placed the glass back on the counter. “Do you want another glass? Maybe some Nitro-Fuel instead?” Burnice’s cheerful self was always ready to fill a glass up despite knowing that he doesn’t prefer the taste of Nitro-Fuel on its own. Now though, it sounded just perfect to make him forget this information.

Night time came, the howling winds kept Lighter awake. Usually he would have passed out already from the amount of Nitro-Fuel he drank but for some odd reason, he couldn’t now. It wasn’t odd at all, he knew why he was awake. Haunted by the memories of a not-so-distant past, the voices of his comrades rang in his ears as he got up from his bed. His bright red scarf that contrasted his usual outfit, was now stuffed deeply into his jacket. The soft clinging of the dog tags were now muffled by his scarf, his heavy footsteps making his way out to his bike. The only way to forget is to completely kill a man, erase his memories and the possibilities that he can come up with.

With his past as mercenary leader, getting to Hollow Zero wasn’t a mystery. Many have gone there in hopes of getting rich, finding some sort of ethereal matter, or maybe searching for whatever was left of the person they once were. Dodging a few military bases, back roads and, going through smaller hollows, Lighter found himself right at the edge of Hollow Zero. There were a few close calls on his way here, but nothing a Carrot can’t solve. The convenience of modern technology, able to find the safest route out and predict any new changes in the course of being in the Hollow. If only they could predict the possibility of his friends passing that day.

He parked his bike, brought the little bangboo off his bike and took a deep breath. “Lighter…” He heard the faint whispers of his name as he stepped into the pitch black sphere, the voices sounded oddly familiar to him. An older breathier male voice, a deeper younger male voice, and a reassuring female voice all coming together to call for his name. No, he can’t be hearing things. He was still young and had just entered the hollow. Signs of corruption did not include hallucinations, nor did it include any sort of hearing problems. He ventured deeper into the hollow, bangboo by his side to make sure he’d make his way out.

Ethereals came at him but they were no match, one after another. A swift punch before landing his finishing blows on them, he dusted off the little bits of burnt etheric matter off his shoulders. “Lighter! There you are!” He immediately prepared himself for another fight, quickly looking around for the source of that voice. No ethereal was in sight however, maybe it was paranoia striking him once more. He decided to take a break somewhere off to the side, taking a serum to reduce ether corruption. He closed his eyes, the rubble of the Fallen Eridu surrounding him as he was taken back to his days of a mercenary leader.

He remembers it like it was just yesterday. The smiles on their face, the laughter, the drinks, the bets, everything that your typical mercenary group does. They were his comrades, his friends, his family at the time. He was still new to leading a team, choosing to go for the higher paying jobs in the hollows rather than outside work. He’d come back with a few bruises here and there, getting patched up while trying to split up the money they received. The hands of Dane scruffing Lighter’s hair, or Nick reminding him to stop smoking, or Ratena drinking another pint of Nitro-Fuel with him. He could see and feel those memories so vividly…

“We’ll be heading out now, Boss.” Dane gave a hearty pat on Lighter’s shoulder, a firm goodbye grip to tell him to rest. Lighter chuckled as Dane finally let go,“It still sounds weird…” he added on, believing that such a title isn’t fit for him just yet. “Ratena, you got the med kit ready?” He asked the tomboy-looking female who was always prepared when it came to injuries. Even his now fractured arm was taken care of by her, proving her deep knowledge in the field of first aid. She nodded towards him with a small wave of her supplies in hand, “All ready, Lighter!” Nick gave a weary smile, one that was oddly energetic for a much older man than everyone else in the group.

“Take care, everyone. Remember what we’re going in there for, retrieve the item and receive our cash,” everyone looked towards their leader, Lighter giving them one last reminder before they headed off. All of their dog tags hung around their necks, reflecting the bright sunlight and Lighter’s own reflection. “Be back safely!” Dane’s little sister began waving goodbye as they watched the team head off straight into the hollow. Lighter knew of the dangers that they could face while in there, especially with the lack of a Carrot. Those don’t go for cheap however, good and reliable info about hollows aren’t easy to come by at low prices.

That final goodbye would serve to be his biggest regret in life. A wound that can never be healed no matter the amount of times he went back to the last place he found their tags. He had called out for them and yet no response, shouting into an endless void. What would’ve happened if he had followed them that day, not heeding their advice and sacrificing himself alongside them. Non-existent answers to a question that has ruined a young man of his own mental freedom.

Boss… Kiddo…. Lighter….

Was he going insane again? He opened his eyes, expecting to see nothing just like before but this time, he was outside of his old mercenary camp. A distant woof could be heard as an eager dog ran right up to him, pouncing onto him. ‘What? This… this isn’t right…’ Lighter thought to himself. Was this some sort of deja vu? A dream of some sort? The dog licks Lighter’s face, excitedly panting and sniffing him. This felt a little too real for him, running his hand through its soft fur.

“Lighter! We got another commission today. Gotta go into this hollow, grab this ‘mysterious item’ and they’re paying us big time,” Dane came up behind him and petted the dog, throwing a small ball to allow Lighter to get up. Lighter turned around, seeing the large man with his familiar beanie towering over him. He fell back, not believing what he was seeing. Was he dead? They do say that the brain replays the best moments of one’s life before death, but this seemed less like a memory and more like reality.

This was just the day before their deaths, was this his second chance? “I was able to see other possibilities of my past decisions and how they’d affect my current self,” the fox thiren’s experience now making sense as he looked up at his should-be-dead companion. “U-uh yeah. Dane, sorry but I don’t think we should accept this mission,” Lighter grabbed Dane’s hand, his fractured one still healing in its cast. Dane blinked at his teal-haired leader in confusion, not expecting him to decline such an offer. They walked back into the home, Ratena and Nick coming up to them with big smiles on their faces.

As Ratena tended to Lighter’s fractured arm, they all discussed their plan regarding the new mission. “They said it’s just a box, bring it back safely and then we’ll get paid,” Dane said with lots of enthusiasm, playing around with his little sister. Nick gave a hearty chuckle, petting the dog as he spoke, “It’s not easy, my boy. Look at what happened to Lighter the last time we went into a hollow.” Both men looked over to Lighter, seeing the effects of an ethereal attack and Nick being physically unfit to keep up with the rest of the group. Before Ratena could give her input, Lighter interjected with the knowledge of their future. “I really don’t think we should go. Hollows are dangerous and just like Nick said, ethereals are no joke.” Lighter hoped they would understand him without him needing to explain to them why they shouldn’t go.

Ratena shook her head, “Oh c’mon Lighter, you don’t trust us? We got out safely last time and we made big bucks.” Safely? Was having a fractured arm considered safe? Was bleeding out his side considered safe? “Guys, you can’t be serious.” Lighter was in disbelief, he remembered his initial response in his past. He had agreed wholeheartedly to the offer, thinking that such a huge sum of cash was what they all needed to live better lives. Now with his knowledge, he didn’t want to lose them. Not again, he didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

“Yeah boss, we know how hard you’re working. You gotta rest up and we’re more than capable of taking down those ethereals.” Dane gave him a wolfish grin, clearly oblivious to why Lighter was so against all of this in the first place. “We’ll leave in the morning, be back by sunset.” Nick had the whole plan laid out on the table, trying his best to reassure their worried leader. Everyone went to their sleeping quarters that night but Lighter couldn’t sleep at all knowing what would happen to them. He laid awake in his cold bed that his body used to find solace in, but now reminded him of the hard shell of a coffin.

Sunlight came streaming through the windows, Lighter was the first to get up, the rest unknown to his lack of sleep. Everything replayed exactly as it did on that fateful day; Dane placing his hand on Lighter’s shoulder, Ratena waving her first aid kit in the air, Nick’s energetic smile that highlighted his wrinkles. He can’t relive this, he can’t let this happen. “W-wait!” They all turned back to him, stopping right in their tracks. Lighter had already told them to take care, what else was there to be said? ‘Don’t die’? ‘Don’t go’? ‘You’ll all die and I won’t be able to find you’? He had recurring nightmares of this exact moment multiple times before this and yet, the words were stuck in his throat. “I’ll miss all of you.” Lighter couldn’t stop them, even if he tried. Fate is cruel in that way, never is it a choice, unable to be changed. As he watched them leave again, tears began to prick his olive eyes. He closed his eyes, trying to blink away those tears but also look away from his regrettable decision.

The sandpaper-like wet and warm muscle went up Lighter’s cheek again. He blinked open his eyes, seeing the familiar sight of yesterday. Was this some sort of hell? A never-ending cycle of living his lifelong burden he carried with him. As expected, Dane’s voice could be heard once more, grabbing Lighter up from the ground and bringing him back into the camp. As expected, they had planned to take up the offer because money is money and they were mercenaries first and foremost.

He was determined this time. If he couldn’t stop them from going, at the very least he had to make sure to go with them. Ever since that day, he had been yearning for death. If Fate won’t change his friends’ passing, maybe it will be kind enough to change his. “I’ll go along,” Lighter’s confident voice cut through their chatter. “But boss, you’re being stretched thin.” “Your condition still isn’t fit for a mission in a hollow.” “Take it from an old man, you deserve the rest, son.” All of them gave their own concerns to Lighter’s suggestion–arguably, it sounded closer to an order rather than a suggestion–but he didn’t want to listen to them. He was adamant, also having his own power as their leader to push himself into this plan. He was willing to do anything, not caring about his injuries. With little to no luck, they accepted his persistence, each slowly heading off to bed to prepare for the early morning.

He had dreamt of this possibility for days, maybe even months. His body was definitely not in the best shape but if he could spend just a few more minutes with his comrades, his limbs could be torn off by an ethereal and he’d still smile through it all. It all played out exactly as his memories, this time he was joining them. As they walked together towards the hollow, Lighter began to feel dizzy. His vision slowly blurred, however his companions continued to walk forward.

“Dane! Nick! Ratena!” Lighter called out to them, yet they didn’t turn around, not even taking a moment to stop. “No, no, no no no no NO-” He tried running towards them but the distance just kept getting further and further. Running infinitely, trying to catch up to them but with his poor condition and slowly darkening eyesight, he couldn’t continue anymore. He came to a stop, looking down to his feet and seeing something shine in the dust. As he bent down, his eyes widened in surprise. It was their dog tags; Dane, Nick, and Ratenna, but there was one more with its name turned over. Lighter Lorenz. His name. How was that possible? His hand immediately went to his neck, searching for his tag that always hung around there. It wasn’t there. That was his dog tag, on the ground, with the rest of his mercenary companions.

He fell to his knees, understanding the possible outcome of this decision he could’ve made back then. Who would have found these if it weren’t him? Who would carry on their stories if he had gone along with them? What does that mean for his current present self? Questions bounced around in his head, holding those dog tags close to his chest. Tears began to trickle down his face once more, sadness being a common emotion at the end of all of these possibilities.

As he blinked away those tears, his surroundings had also changed. His bangboo would’ve notified him if he walked into a fissure so there was no way that he did. The setting sun of the Outer Ring burned his pupils, a scenery that he has become more than accustomed to since joining the Sons of Calydon. He hadn’t made any regretful decisions since joining, so there has got to be a reason that he’s experiencing this random day again.

He heard footsteps coming up behind him, followed by the sounds of feminine laughter. Despite being called the Sons of Calydon, it was a biker gang filled with mainly women. Currently, he is their champion, always winning and never turning down a challenge. They all stood side by side next to him, joking and teasing around with each other. “Caesar! Did you use my makeup again?” Lucy was trying her best to pull the tall green-grey haired woman down to her height. Piper barely kept her eyes open while Burnice was drinking another pint of Nitro-Fuel down as they all watched the sunset together.

“I can always buy you more makeup, Lucy.” Lighter offered, his used to be young voice was now a lot deeper. None of them replied to him though; Caesar and Lucy still argued with each other, Piper was trying her best to stand up straight, Burnice started playing her songs. Was he being intentionally ignored? He remembers this moment, him heading out to Lumina Square and there he met you. His life had fully turned around when he joined the Sons of Calydon, understanding what it meant to be a Champion. Not just theirs, but yours as well. He had people he wanted to protect, disasters he wanted to prevent.

Fate played its tricks on him once more. He had his ‘second chance’, choosing to die alongside his comrades and now he had to ‘live’ as a ghost. Lighter was slowly trying to figure out how Hollow Zero was affecting his memories and ‘fate’. None of this was real–he knew that at least–but he had to admit that it felt real. Would he be satisfied with death? Would he be satisfied with his story not having a proper ending? His movie could be hours long, but after 30 minutes, there would be an abrupt black screen.

‘The aim of all life is death. Only there can we find true peace.’

This wasn’t the peace that he wanted. He craved closure, real end credits to his tragic documentary. If the aim is death, then he’ll live until he’s tired of it. Until his face becomes sore from smiling with you, until his taste buds turn numb with the lingering after notes of Nitro-Fuel, until his eyesight becomes hazy from the bright lights of the city, until his ears start ringing because of everyone’s laughter.

He yearned for death, believing that regret was all he could carry in his heart. Love and companionship changes a person, losing it turns them into a monster. He knows how it feels to have survivor’s guilt, he now knows how it feels to have so much love left to give but ultimately ripped away from him. Care, love, remorse, regret, they all went hand in hand when it came to Lighter, he can’t have one without the other. Tough decisions, bad mistakes but they all ultimately led him to where he was now.

He felt the Outer Ring’s breeze brush his face, a soft and gentle reminder of his new home and his new family.

Lighter opened his eyes once more, a small LED screen with crying eyes were barely inches away from his face. His hand went up to give the little bangboo a pat on the head, making it immediately spring back to life. “Hey, little guy. You think you can get us out of here?” Lighter asked as he slowly pushed himself up, seeing a few ethereals around. The bangboo began running through the hollow, following its Carrot to find the nearest exit out of Hollow Zero.

A couple of punches before swiftly sliding away. His top priority was to get out safely, not to fight every ethereal in his path. This ever changing maze proved to be difficult to navigate, the poor bangboo constantly finding a new route. After winding through the ruins of Old Eridu, they finally made it out of Hollow Zero. Further away from where they initially entered, however nothing too far to walk to. The sun was beginning to rise now, painting the sky in light gold hues. As he drove back to Blazewood, he took in the early morning sights of the Outer Ring. After living in the shadows for so long, he remembers his first purchase since being saved by Big Daddy. He used a little bit of the money to purchase his first and only pair of sunglasses. In order to help him acclimatize to bright life above those fighting rings while helping him with his hemophobia and eye injury, he thought that the shades would be a good start to his new chapter. Everything was a change of pace, including these.

“Lighter! There you are!” He immediately froze up. Those were the same words he heard in the Hollow. Was he still in there? He got off his bike and turned around slowly, preparing himself to see nothing again. “Where were you? I was worried sick last night when I went over to your room and you didn’t respond.” Your concerned voice put him at ease as he looked at you. “Uh um… my bad. Just… wanted to go for a late night drive,” his voice was shaky, hoping you wouldn’t see through his lie. Your brows furrowed as you looked him up and down, he felt as though he should just die because of your intense gaze. “Without me?? Next time I go to Lumina Square, I am not buying you the super pack of lollipops,” you teased him. He let out the biggest sigh of relief, for once not worrying about whether he’d get his favorite grape-flavored lollipop.

He removed his glove off of his hand and brought it up the side of your face. Your soft skin under his calloused hands, this felt like his true reality. He could see the way you scrunched up your nose, your eyebrows raised as he began caressing your cheek. “I missed you,” he whispered out, just loud enough for you to hear. It was still early in the morning, not as many people out just yet so he could allow himself this vulnerability for just a moment. Especially after realizing the possibility of never seeing you again, never seeing the girls again, he doesn’t know if he’s ready to go just yet. “What are you saying? Did you hit your head on a cactus?” Your hand went up to his, cupping it against your face as you nuzzled into him. He couldn’t give this up, never in his wildest dreams could he imagine a decision better than what he made back then.

“I just thought I should tell you. I lo-“ just as he was about to finish his words, Piper comes up in Steeltusk, parking the truck right next to the both of you. “You youngsters are so energetic these days…” She commented as she filled up the truck with some fuel, chuckling to herself. Both of you turned a little red, Lighter especially. Everyone knew of your relationship and yet it was still a little embarrassing to be so outwardly in love with each other. Lighter cleared his throat, thinking that Piper was still the same as she was in his memories. The rest of the girls were probably still asleep but this was all he needed to confirm that he was indeed out of that damned hollow.

With your hand in his, he knew what was waiting for him at the end of his life. The Sons of Calydon that he sworn to always win for, his mercenary comrades that haunts him every night, the friends he had made through the Tour de Inferno, and his love that was willing to be with him through it all. Fate is unfair, humans do not have the power to change what has already been decided. However, being human means having the power to live your life to its fullest, accepting what fate has in store and learning from it. Lighter will carry his regrets and burdens with him, over into the afterlife and even when all he becomes is a humble cactus to poke you.

#lumiwrites ˚✧₊⁎☆#lighter zzz #lighter lorenz #zzz lighter #lighter zenless zone zero #zenless zone zero lighter #lighter angst #lighter comfort #lighter x reader #lighter x gn reader #zenlezz zone zero #zenless zone zero fics #my longest post to date #quite proud of this #but still believing that i could have done this better #happy birthday lighter #lighter x you #he deserves a big hug actually #sobbing crying i hope yall like this

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petercapaldi-press · 4 days ago

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Peter Capaldi: 'You don't just play the Doctor, you represent him' The Telegraph

INTERVIEW

12 September 2015 6:00am BST

Chloe Fox

'What do you say we have dinner in the Tardis?’ Peter Capaldi, aka the 12th Doctor, is looking at me from over the top of his Wayfarer sunglasses with a bird-like intensity; head cocked to the side, a mischievous light in his beady blue eyes.

Fresh from the set (a nearby solar-panel factory in Cardiff that has been dressed up as the kitchen of a spaceship where a monster has been trying to eat everyone in his path), dressed in skinny black jeans and a T-shirt, with his trademark Dr Martens boots, Capaldi crackles with exactly the same combination of fierce intelligence and nervous energy as his Doctor – a darker, edgier, slightly more unpredictable version of what has come before.

This will be Capaldi’s second season at the helm of a sci-fi television show that, now in its 52nd year (with a 16-year hiatus from 1989 to 2005), is the longest-running in history. Distributed to more than 200 territories worldwide, viewed in the UK alone by an average of six million per episode, adored by its legions of obsessive ‘Whovian’ fans, Doctor Who is nothing short of a global phenomenon.

Capaldi, 56 at the time of casting (he’s 57 now), was the oldest Doctor to debut since the very first doctor, William Hartnell, did so aged 55 in 1963. To some, his was a slightly left-field casting. His immediate predecessors, David Tennant and Matt Smith – 34 and 26 respectively when they got the job – were younger, twinklier, more user-friendly versions of the Time Lord. And yet, Capaldi’s older, more volatile incarnation – who shows zero tolerance towards all things romantic – very quickly won his way into Whovian hearts across the spectrum. ‘A class act’, declared The Daily Telegraph. ‘A fantastic, fascinating lead performance,’ said Digital Spy.

By the time series eight (his first) ended – with a thrilling denouement in which the Doctor was made President of the World and his arch-nemesis, the Master, was reincarnated as a woman (brilliantly played by Michelle Gomez as a sort of malevolent Mary Poppins) – Capaldi’s rightness for the role was established.

‘What I wanted to do, I suppose, was remind people of the alien-ness of the Doctor,’ Capaldi says. ‘Doctor Who isn’t a human being, you see. He’s a creature of the cosmos. His social skills aren’t great. He doesn’t care very much if people like or dislike him, because people aren’t his thing, you know?’

We are now sitting in the Tardis – surely the most thrilling interview location of all time – where Capaldi, who is nearing the end of nine months of filming series nine, looks touchingly at home. Often, between thoughts, he gazes reverentially up at the ceiling as if it were the vaults of a church. Long legs crossed, jacket off, vampirically pale, thin hands wrapped around the pot of Wagamama noodle soup that is his supper, you can see glimpses of the boy who penned endless fan letters to the show’s producers and who applied for presidency of the Doctor Who Fan Club aged 14.

In person, Capaldi is a much gentler, more rarefied presence than you might expect, especially if you were a fan of his brutally funny spin doctor, Malcolm Tucker, in Armando Iannucci’s Bafta-winning political satire The Thick of It. He speaks quietly, with an elegant Glaswegian drawl. Questions are answered thoughtfully and with a real interest, even though they are probably questions he has been asked dozens, if not hundreds, of times before. ‘Am I enjoying myself? Hmm, let me see… Am I enjoying myself?’ he says, looking around a set that has been specifically customised to suit the personality of his more retro, 1960s-style Doctor – a glass table here, a hexagonal window effect there. ‘Well, just look at this place,’ he says, with a sweep of a long arm. ‘How on earth can I not be enjoying myself?’

Capaldi concedes, however, that the first season was ‘terribly nerve-racking for me because not only was the job new, but I was also getting a level of attention that I simply wasn’t used to’. And in filming the second series, the challenges, he admits, have morphed – in true Doctor Who style – into something else.

‘I don’t feel I’ve nailed it yet – from an acting point of view, I mean,’ he says. ‘I don’t yet feel that I know how to do this. Quite who the Doctor is remains mysterious to me – which is of course as it should be – but one of the biggest challenges that I’ve found, and am finding, is that you have to sort of be able to spin on a penny. You have to be able to go from pantomime to tragedy, from domestic to epic, within a single scene. You have to keep the ball in the air, and you have to remember,’ – and here he grins wryly – ‘that The X Factor is on the other channel. You have to remember that there are people watching in America, you have to remember that, as much as you want to apply your mature acting instincts, there are actually lots of children watching. You’ve got to cover all these bases, and make it exciting and interesting too. It’s a great challenge – and, by the way, I really don’t say that lightly – and one which I care very much about getting right. Because it’s big, isn’t it? It’s really big.’

When Capaldi speaks of the weight of responsibility that comes with such an iconic role, he shifts imperceptibly into the second person, as if distancing himself from its magnitude. ‘It can be quite intimidating when you look down, do you know what I mean? Because Doctor Who exists on quite a big scale, in terms of its importance to the BBC and to its fans. You don’t just play Doctor Who; you represent him. You represent the 50 years in which he has meant an awful lot to an awful lot of people. And the weight of it – and I really would never want to seem ungrateful – is that it is continual. It is very, very nice because people always greet you with a certain affection, but it is basically every day, everywhere you go.’

When Capaldi got the job, one of his first actions was to pick the brains of his predecessors. ‘I knew David a little bit but I didn’t know Matt at all,’ he explains. ‘They were both very kind, very generous and refreshingly honest. They both made it quite clear to me that the role would bring, shall we say, a greater visibility, and they gave me very good advice as to how to handle it.’

First and foremost, retain a sense of humour at all times. ‘It’s all showbiz silliness really,’ he says, laughing. (On the day his casting was announced on a prime-time BBC special hosted by Zoë Ball, he was given a codename – Houdini – and bundled, gangster-style, into a chauffeur-driven car with a blanket over his head.)

‘Peter has a large anti-bullshit-ometer inside him,’ says his friend, the actor Richard E Grant (who starred in the short film Franz Kafka’s It’s a Wonderful Life, which Capaldi wrote and directed and for which he won an Oscar). ‘And because his fame and recognition have come relatively late in his career, his hilarious cynicism about the yo-yo nature of showbusiness abides.’

Take Comic-Con, for instance. A couple of weeks before our meeting, Capaldi – along with his co-stars and the Doctor Who writer Steven Moffat – flew out to the convention in San Diego for a promotional event. For the two days before the convention started, Capaldi was doing press in his hotel. Wherever he went, he was accompanied by six security guards. ‘Six! Can you believe it?! And they all kept telling me that I couldn’t leave the hotel because, if I did, I’d be mobbed. And then I’d look out of the window and all I’d see would be this little Yoda walking down the street. So eventually I’d had enough and I said, “Come on, guys, you’ve got to let me go,” So they did – although the heavies came with me, of course. And, do you know what? Not a single person recognised me. Not one.’

Unsurprisingly, this wasn’t to last. The group sat down for dinner and, before long, queues were forming for selfies. Which was when Capaldi’s second code for coping came into play: ‘Just enjoy it.’

He understands the obsessed fans, because he himself was one of them. Teased at school for being a sci-fi geek – he was given the derogatory nickname Moon Man because of his obsession with the moon landings – the young Capaldi was far from cool. Not that he cared too much, because he was also very loved. ‘It was very safe, full of delights,’ he says of his early childhood in a tenement block in the Springburn region of Glasgow. His parents – Italian-born Gerry and Irish-born Nancy – ran a cafe in the bottom of the tenement, from which they operated an ice-cream-delivery business.

Family were everywhere: both grandmothers, plus uncles, aunts and cousins all lived in the same block. There was lots of noise, laughter, spaghetti, a Beatles soundtrack and, of course, Doctor Who. ‘To me, it was like a fairytale,’ he explains of his childhood obsession. ‘It had that quality of darkness that you find in a Grimm’s fairy tale: this strange creature of a man who takes you on all these adventures, but who always keeps you safe. That’s absolutely what I want the children who watch my version to feel.’

For Capaldi, Doctor Who is inextricably linked to his childhood. ‘It will always be a part of me,’ he says. Earlier this year, just before he was due to start filming the current series, Capaldi’s beloved mother – who had sent him the Doctor Who annual every year, well into his adulthood – died. It was a source of great pride to her that his visits to her hospital bedside were always accompanied by the happy squeals of just about every nurse in the hospital, coming to catch a glimpse.

Growing up, he didn’t really know what he wanted to be; he just knew he didn’t want to join the grey ranks of ‘depressed-looking souls standing at the bus stop in the rain every morning’. In those days there was only one place to go if you didn’t want to be like everybody else: the Glasgow School of Art.

Submerged in an ethos of creativity, Capaldi embraced the beginnings of punk. He was lead singer of a band called the Dreamboys – who mercifully changed their name from the Bastards From Hell (and whose members included Craig Ferguson, of The Late Late Show fame) – and he also began to harbour dreams of becoming an actor. One night, in 1983, he got home drunk to his Glasgow flat to find his costume-designer landlady chatting to the film director Bill Forsyth, who saw enough promise in Capaldi’s innocent charm to cast the 25-year-old opposite Burt Lancaster in his Scottish seaside fable Local Hero.

A decade, and a few bit parts later – most notably as John Malkovich’s manservant in Dangerous Liaisons – Capaldi wrote and directed the aforementioned short (in which his actress wife, Elaine Collins, co-starred with Richard E Grant) and, totally unexpectedly, won an Oscar.

For a brief, glittering moment, Hollywood beckoned (the couple bought a house in Crouch End, London, with the proceeds from a Miramax option on a feature-film idea) but then, as so often happens in Hollywood, the lights went off again.

When, after the best part of 15 years spent taking whatever hand-to-mouth acting jobs he could get – a Ruth Rendell Mysteries here, a Foyle’s War there – Capaldi got the call to audition for Armando Iannucci, he didn’t get his hopes up. In fact, the whole audition experience was so turgid and long-winded that, by the time he actually met Iannucci himself, Capaldi was simmering with rage; a rage that was to change his life by landing him the part of Malcolm Tucker.

Contrary to common belief, Malcolm Tucker was not based on Alastair Campbell. He came instead from Hollywood, from the American agents and producers – ‘malevolent forces in Armani suits’ – that Capaldi had witnessed, first-hand, barking foul obscenities down the phone at people. His ‘failure’, it turned out, had not been for nothing.

If the success of The Thick of It was a door opening for Capaldi, Doctor Who has been a floodgate from which there is no going back. ‘Would I have appreciated it as much if it had happened 20 years ago?’ he muses. ‘Almost definitely not.’

Happily, the timing of his success suits Capaldi’s life. With his wife now working as a television producer (she gave up acting for a more financially reliable line of work) and their daughter, Cecily, at university, Capaldi can be based in Cardiff from Monday to Friday and return to family life at weekends. ‘And it’s a shock when I do,’ he jokes. ‘Because I’m certainly not allowed to be number one on the cast list there. Here I spend all week with people taking me everywhere I need to go, checking I have everything I need, driving me the three minutes to and from my lovely waterside apartment to the studio, making me endless cups of coffee, loving me wherever I go; and there I am expected to have my feet on the ground. But I don’t want my feet on the ground, goddammit!’

He is too gracious to say it, but Capaldi is definitely tired and homesick. With 13 episodes a year, not to mention the promotional whirl, being the Doctor is more than a full-time job. He has even developed the same knee complaint that had Matt Smith – ‘who is about 12, for God’s sake!’ – on crutches at their first meeting. ‘It’s something to do with running down corridors and turning round very quickly to deliver lines,’ he says, laughing.

Nevertheless Capaldi is uncomplaining. ‘All this will come to an end, you see,’ he says, looking around him at the Tardis. ‘It might just be my Scottish melancholia, but the very first day I found out I’d got the job, I started to feel sad that one day I would not have it; that there would come a day, in the not too distant future, that I wouldn’t be Doctor Who any more. And that is why I try really hard to get as much out of it as possible. Because one day I’ll just be an overweight has-been, trying to get a meeting with Jenna Coleman [Clara, the Doctor’s companion] and being ejected from a Doctor Who Convention in Bolton for being drunk and disorderly. I mean, this is surely my high point, isn’t it?’

Doctor Who returns to BBC One on September 19

#peter capaldi #interview #doctor who #the telegraph #2015

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leresq · 3 months ago

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Finally watched Deadpool and Wolverine. First of all I was not coming into this with high hopes because even though everyone was talking about how good this movie is I've never found the Deadpool movies funny. To me they're just different variations of "You haven't seen this in an Iron Man movie" stretched into two now three feature length films. But honestly I liked it at the end.

- Why are Logan's ears and one of his eyes not decayed when no other part of his body is intact? Why does he have a beard on his jawbone?

- I'll bite, the Bye Bye Bye is a fun idea. The wintery forest setting is cool.

- I can't enjoy that opening fight scene because it's not how anything works. You don't get bludgeoned with a dull object, have your body armour completely give way, and have a pint of blood splash out. I understand the whole point of Deadpool is that it's over the top, but this is just so overly gratuitous it's insane. I feel like Marvel Studios felt like they had to make it so unrealistically violent to try and separate it from the mainline MCU to get the people who have Deadpool funko pops to guffaw in the theatre. It's "You haven't seen this in an Iron Man movie" with zero words spoken. Honestly incredible.

- The CGI is better than it's been recently but it's still noticeably bad

- Peter Parker's Iron Man mask is on the desk in the background! How did that even get there.

- Why is Tony's ARC reactor on the table, I thought that was pushed into the river at the funeral

- The timeline is just so incredibly fucked. I still don't understand how the X Men timeline reboot works, or how Logan fits into it; if Logan dying means Deadpool's universe collapses, that implies the Logan movie is in the X Men reboot franchise, but Patrick Stewart is in that and James McAvoy plays him in the reboot making me think it's a one off... Augh my head...

- Something looks up with John Favraeu. I don't know if his wearing a wig is supposed to be obvious, I don't know if he's just under a lot of makeup or it's CGI, it's just weird.

- Deadpool is never going to be an Avenger because Marvel Studios would rather execute everyone working for them than give up the licencing deals from making PG13 movies, and Deadpool wouldn't feel the same in a PG13 movie.

- I think any brand would let Ryan Reynolds walk all over them in muddy boots, for some reason he gets the pass to slander anyone he wants to and he gets paid by the companies to do it.

- 'I don't have a lot of v*ginal sex' 🤨 that has numerous connotations. Also can we not do sex jokes in front of 12 year olds

- I was not expecting a Deadpool movie to contain any hints of character development because the previous two instalments seemed to be hellbent on making sure I understood nothing of emotional value would ever be allowed to appear without being undercut by a sex joke.

- "I've never been a natural bottom" 🤨🤨 I thought Poolverine was just the average two male leads naturally gets shipped together thing but no they're sowing the fields

- If that Thor crying over Deadpool never comes back I will say something about it

- If they didn't want me to know Paradox was going to be a villain why would they make him British

- The 'Suck it Fox' cut to nothing being there is the only time I will accept something raising more questions than answering them at this level as funny

- "Your tailor is a predator" caught me so off guard I started coughing

- Wow I wasn't expecting them to pull the Paradox is actually evil card not even a third into the movie. Honestly a good subversion of expectations.

- How is Deadpool's universe going to evaporate in 74 hours, I thought time doesn't exist at the TVA?

- Are they going to explain why Deadpool's suit can just fix itself now. It used to keep its holes.

- Finally, I think the first time we ever hear Deadpool is from Canada in the movies! I wonder if Ryan Reynolds only wanted to play him in the first place because they're both Canadian...

- "You two gonna fuck or fight?" 🤨🤨🤨

- I actually understood the Honey Badger reference

- the FF floating platform thingy is another reference I'm surprised I got

- The Human Torch CGI is actually really cool

- "Not all of you was asleep" after waking up on his shoulder 🤨🤨🤨🤨

- Too many cameos in Cassandra's little alcove so I'm not even going to bother looking for them all

- I'm not sure if Johnny Storm's death was supposed to be played for laughs or just shock value, either way I'm not laughing I loved those movies ;(

- How does Cassandra know she's Xavier's sister if she was sent to the Void before she could walk?

- Wolvie being nice to Johnny post mortem is cool

- Nicepool having a stronger Canadian accent is a good joke, and Deadpool looking on in disgust as Nicepool talks about his dog's 'G-spot' is good. At least that's not played off as just a normal thing to say even if it is a joke

- "I identify as a feminist" could easily be misconstrued as an 'anti-woke' joke but all of the jokes of a similar calibre in this movie seem to be made ironically. Example: Nicepool is a creep

- "Where's your mask" and Nicepool points to his face actually implying his nice guy attitude is a facade for being a shitty person is actually really good

- Why is Nicepool's car surrounded by untrampled corn, how did it get there? Who grew the corn?

- Deadpool includes Colossus in his world 🥺

- Wolverine is nothing if not an excellent shit talker, and it's actually very out of character for Deadpool to actually get affected by insults

- I wish The Greatest Showman soundtrack was incorporated for more than just a third of a second

- 'Close up magic' ant man reference?

- 'There's only ever gonna be one Blade' about that...

- I think that's Apocalypse's throne in Cassandra's room? Or Thanos's

- I never thought about how both Cassandra and Xavier's powers radiate from their heads until the Juggernaut helmet scene

- Finally some real actual genuine character development that's not thrown away for a joke!!! The best part of the movie to me was Cassandra's redemptio-. Oh. Nevermind. Anyway I like it better than if it were just shoved away for a joke then she died

- Deadpool waiting for the 'extras' to clear was, to me, a good indication that he's a hero now. Caring about civilians is #1 on my makes you a good guy requirements

- "You smell something?" "Yeah you" 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨

- And there it is. Nicepool's death is probably the most predictable death I've ever seen on film.

- Eastside Pharmacy?! Agatha All Along reference???

- Wolverine's helmet looks like a rubber playground ball

- Will Marvel Jesus come back in three days however?

- Staring at Hugh's abs? Same, but 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨

- That hand holding ending was actually impressive, I wasn't sure what was going to happen and it actually kicked ass

- Is the guy with the mug who stared at Deadpool in the beginning Marvel's first gay character

- The introducing Logan to Blind Al is so unbelievably 'the parents meeting the boyfriend' I could die there's no fucking way that wasn't on purpose

#typos inbound lol #long post #marvel #mcu #deadpool #deadpool and wolverine #wolverine #logan howlett #poolverine #wade wilson #cw sex mention

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