#zero clue why any of these were cut they’re amazing

[iloverace]

on the hunt for all cut newsies songs

rn i have

the truth about the moon

story of my life

then i see you again

if you have any i would love them!!

and if you want my mp3 files just lemme know :)

[dumpsterfirepropaganda]

So a while back, I decided to make a spreadsheet listing all of the franchises/series/properties/etc. that I have a special attachment to, along with specific elements/aspects that I particularly enjoy in the media I consume, in order to see if there was any one variable all of them had in common.

It ended up looking like this:

I added the year I got interested in each property as well, and it’s been funny to see the progression - you can see how it starts with the movies my parents showed me at the beginning, then the video games my friends introduced me to (or that I fortuitously found out about after skipping vacation bible school one day but the full version of that story is for another time), then my special interests growing out of a mix of those...then that little stretch in 2020-2021 where I started dipping my toes into things out of morbid curiosity and getting genuinely invested in them whoops

 Anyway, I wanted to share this in case anyone else is interested in creating something like this. I think it’d be so fun to see what other people consider to be the most appealing aspects of the things they’re into, as well as how their tastes evolved over time! 

(Zoomed in versions of the spreadsheet under the cut for easy reading, as well as abbreviated explanations of how I got into everything on this list, if you’re interested.)

Jurassic Park - I was obsessed with dinosaurs as a kid. My parents were like, “Hmm, she might like this - we’ll just make her cover her eyes for the scene where the T-rex eats that guy off of the toilet.”

Star Wars - Parents bought me Lego Star Wars for the Wii because THEY liked Star Wars but I had no clue what was going on, walked in on them watching Episode V and they let me stick around

Pokémon - All my closest friends were into it but I wasn’t allowed to play until finally my parents caved and let me get a DS and a copy of Platinum. Easily the franchise I am the most invested in ahaha

Sonic - Went to the phone store with my mom and they had a mobile version of Sonic 2 on one of the demo phones. Went home and got it on virtual console, literally defined how I play video games now

Mega Man - Picked up a copy of Nintendo Power (RIP) because it had Mewtwo on the cover. Featured character was Zero. His design activated all the neurons in my brain so I read everything I could about him and eventually got into the games, and now Mega Man characters own the deed to my house and my firstborn child

FNAF - Friend showed me a video of a playthrough at my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary. Scared the pants off of me. Couldn’t stop watching it.

Alien/Aliens - The Great Movie Ride at Disney, but specifically the waiting room where they play the trailers for the movies (I closed my eyes during the actual Alien section of the ride because it freaked me the heck out). That trailer stuck in my brain and one day I just decided I wanted to watch it. I’ve never mentioned them before but I need y’all to understand that these are my favorite movies of all time and I literally wrote a college essay about why they are so good

Metroid - Saw Samus in Super Smash Bros. Brawl and thought she was super cool. Got an SNES Classic for Christmas and tried out Super Metroid...instantly hooked. One of the most amazing games in the universe you guys

The Thing - Dad was like, “Oh yeah I watched that in theaters when I was 12 it’s great let’s watch it.” I couldn’t look my own dog in the eyes for three days.

Terminator - Wanted to check out more 80′s sci-fi. Plus Michael Biehn. Love Michael Biehn.

Twilight - Me and a close friend (neither of whom had grown up reading these) decided to watch the first one as a joke. Got invested. Ended up watching them all. Now I write Mega Man/Twilight fanfiction. Beware what you do ironically, folks.

Homestuck - Was vaguely aware of it for years but (like most people) had no clue what it was about until the Sarah Z video. Decided to give it a try.

It checks almost every single box on this spreadsheet, so...there’s my defense for that, I guess.

The Locked Tomb - Everybody kept posting weird things about this book series and it sounded too crazy NOT to read

Subnautica - I love the ocean. I love space. I love aliens. I couldn’t get a copy of Pokémon Violet at Wal-Mart and wanted something new to play and it happened to be on the shelf.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 303: And What, Pray Tell, Is a “One For All”

Previously on BnHA: The Todorokis (really just Enji) looked at their children and went “how can we screw up all four of them in uniquely different ways” and proceeded to do just that. Touya was all “just because practicing how to set myself on fire better hasn’t worked to win my dad’s affections YET doesn’t mean it will NEVER work”, because child logic. Turns out setting oneself on fire real hard isn’t so effective at winning affections, but is actually incredibly effective when it comes to burning oneself to death, so there’s that. Back in the present day, the Todorokis basked in their various misplaced (again, except for Enji) feelings of guilt, and were all “anyway but get over yourself already Enji, you still have to do something to stop this kid”, and Shouto was all “I’ll help too”, and Enji was all “(╥_╥)”, and Hawks and Jeanist were all “[surreptitiously listening in from outside the door]”, and that’s basically where we left off.

Today on BnHA: Hawks and Jeanist are all “mind if we join you on this family journey?” and proceed to stroll in uninvited with their puns and their perceptive insights. Hawks is all “so to sum everything up, we’re fucked, but at least you have us here to help you out! by the way, no clue why I’m the first person to ask this in three hundred chapters, but wtf is One For All.” We then cut to Deku, who’s still all “[(－－)]z”, and All Might, who is all “I’m just going to ignore the extremely loud racket going on right outside this room.” Which, btw, is happening on account of Bakugou, who is all “(╬◣Д◢)” as Satou, Tsuyu, and Mineta cart him away. Anyway so that’s a lot of antics, and also it looks like Hawks has gotten tired of the Todorokis refusing to put the pieces together on their own about OFA and so he is fast-tracking that shit. And meanwhile Deku is chatting it up with the Vestiges exactly like we all thought. And now we have to wait another whole week for updates on all of this. This really is not fair.

omfg lol

“our bad, we were kind of accidentally listening in on purpose.” like I said last week guys, no fuss. it’s a tradition

OMG

I am absolutely fucking floored. Hawks literally said that so casually that it’s impossible for me to rewrite it so as to be even more casual. that’s literally what I would write in the “today on bnha” section. in fact I probably will write that

(ETA: just for laughs I tried it and it really worked.)

a couple more things to point out about this panel: 

“TOP 3” omg yes. more like “top only” at this point, honestly. interested to see how that goes

Hawks’s phone is freaking the fuck out about something, calm down there

I know this is a standard Jeanist hair-fixing gesture that he does all the time, but I can’t help but form hypotheses about this being a stress reaction because Hawks’s hair is making him internally freak out. Hawks, if this man tries to get you alone with him and some hairspray and a comb, please for the love of god do not listen to him. get out of there and call the authorities

omg Shouto’s face

okay confession, I wasn’t really sold on the whole “Shouto has a schoolboy crush on Hawks” thing until exactly now, when I became 100% sold on it. that is adorable

and heck with it, gotta show Enji and Rei’s reactions here as well because lol

“omg my son who’s not my son, and he just overheard everything about me being a terrible shitty father and person overall, oh and plus my actual-son set him on fire and called him out on a national broadcast. I’m just gonna stare at him baffledly.” versus Rei, who is all “hmm, who are these people”

so Hawks is all “I got released from the hospital after one day for some reason so I made Jeanist drive me around places while we talked about life” but uh, heyyyyy, what’s Rei doing

okay, uh

SO FUCKING FORMAL OMFG. “SORRY MY KID TRIED TO BURN YOU TO DEATH, APPARENTLY HE DOES THAT” REI NO IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

HAWKS IS ALL “I’M JUST GONNA LAUGH SINCE THAT’S MY DEFAULT RESPONSE TO BEING PROFOUNDLY UNCOMFORTABLE”

let me tell you a secret Hawks, it’s my default response too. ahahahahahahaha oh thank god Jeanist is helping her up -- AND MAKING A JEANS PUN, OF COURSE. IT’S BEEN ALMOST THIRTY SECONDS. MY MAN WAS DYING

“WTF IS ILLEGAL DENIM” he’s talking ‘bout them counterfeit jeans, Rei. Antoine Bugleboy knows

THANK YOU JEANIST!! OUT HERE ASKING THE RELEVANT QUESTIONS

damn straight. we’re not gonna sit around waiting another 300 chapters for this information on this man’s watch

now Hawks is telling Endeavor he used to watch videos of him all the time, and calling him his “childhood obsession” I can’t

OH MY SWEET STARS AND MOONS

1000% CANON. “SO CLOSE...” ARE YOU SERIOUS. YOU REALLY PUT THAT THOUGHT BUBBLE THERE AND EVERYTHING. “GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, SO JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN’T ALREADY AWARE, TODOROKI SHOUTO IS NOT ACTUALLY STRAIGHT.” HORIKOSHI KOUHEI I AM LITERALLY DUMBFOUNDED. THIS IS AMAZING

and meanwhile that look on Hawks’s face while he casually-but-not-really-casually-at-all asks this question. that phone app better be using his actual voice. I’m not sure I could take this scene in the anime at this point if it was like Alexa talking or something

that look in his eyes is basically saying that so far, based on the information he has absorbed up until this point, Hawks is prepared to view his former childhood obsession as a flawed but changed man. however I get the distinct feeling that depending on Endeavor’s answer now, he would be willing to drastically shift some of his opinions on him

(ETA: this is maybe my favorite panel in the entire chapter. the fact that his question isn’t addressed to anyone in particular, but his eyes are zeroing on on Endeavor. and the way his leaning-on-Shouto pose manages to be simultaneously nonchalant and yet ever-so-slightly protective. there’s so much going on in this one question and gesture and I’m mildly obsessed with it.)

however, Rei is all “that was me” and ONCE AGAIN WITH THE FACES IN THIS CHAPTER holy shit

Hawks definitely did not see that one coming sob. it’s so fun watching him frantically recalculate his ideas about this family every two seconds

DAMN IT HORIKOSHI I UNDERSTOOD THE PARALLELS ALREADY, YOU REALLY DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS

yes, Hawks, you get it. it’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough. though unlike your shitty parents, Rei and Enji are at least trying

OKAY I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WITH ALL OF THIS

fljkdlaskfjlwkjl okay we’re doing the bullet-points breakdown here

first of all, the fact that poor little Shouto’s heart is still thumping away at this proximity and all he can think is “CLOSE” all intelligently as he stares at him with that face omg

and meanwhile Horikoshi has these STRATEGIC BANDAGES WRAPPED AROUND HIS CHEEKS TO HIDE ALL OF HIS SHOUJO BLUSHING omfg. SENPAI NOTICED YOU SWEETIE!!!

HAWKS YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO OBLIGATION TO WASTE ANOTHER SECOND OF YOUR LIFE WORRYING ABOUT THESE TWO ASSHOLES WHO NEVER SPARED YOU THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF REGARD OR CONCERN IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. THE NICEST THING YOUR MOM EVER DID FOR YOU WAS BUY YOU A $2 ENDEAVOR PLUSH FROM THE DISCOUNT BIN TO KEEP YOU QUIET, AND YOU WERE SO AWED BY THAT ONE ACT OF SORTA KINDA APPROXIMATE KINDNESS THAT YOU SHAPED YOUR ENTIRE WORLDVIEW AROUND IT. PLEASE LET ME PICK YOU UP IN A BIG HUG FOR JUST A SEC, YOU DESERVE THE WORLD AND YOU WERE ONE THOUSAND PERCENT JUSTIFIED IN LEAVING THEM IN THE DUST THE SECOND THAT YOU COULD

but all that said, he immediately recognizes that Shouto would also have had cause to do the same in his situation, and yet hasn’t. and so he has that much more admiration for him all of a sudden, which is just super sweet, and fully appropriate. Shouto does deserve props. I’m choosing to take this as an “it takes a lot of strength to be able to forgive, and people who choose to do that even though they’re not obligated to are really amazing" type of thing, as opposed to “people who don’t forgive other people who severely wronged them are bad.” and if I’m wrong and Hawks’s line here is meant to be seen as actual failing on his part, well then fuck that, but we’ll move on

SO NOW, DOWN TO BUSINESS!

I am so, so curious as to what kind of strategy Hawks has for this (if he even has any), so I’ll just be quiet now and read

so Hawks is summing up basically what we already knew -- that Tomura and his inner circle (curious that there’s no mention of AFO, because if Hawks doesn’t know about him, that implies almost no one does) are still on the lam with a few PLF stragglers and some High Ends; that a bunch of prisons have been “liberated” (I assume this means all of the inmates escaped, so if that’s the case then where’s Kurogiri??); that the HPSC is fucked; and that heroes are resigning all over the place, and so civilians are taking matters into their own hands

OH DAMN!?

does this mean we’ll actually see some international heroes?? I will LOSE MY DAMN SHIT omg

(ETA: apparently people who paid more attention to the first BnHA movie than I did recognized the silhouettes as belonging to some background characters from Two Heroes. so maybe they were just cameos and they’re not actually new characters who are soon to join us lol. oh well.)

anyway so Hawks agrees with the other Todorokis that Endeavor has no choice but to fight

awww

DON’T WORRY ENJI THEY’VE GOT YOUR BACK. WITH YOUR FLAMES, AND JEANIST’S PUNS, AND HAWKS’S BOYISHLY GOOD LOOKS, THE THREE OF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MINDS TO

so Enji is very pertinently asking why they’re standing by him in spite of the... [gestures vaguely to everything]

oh my lordy lord

Shouto you had better do something to combat this soon, or this man will sneak past you on my favorite character ranking after all. his face. his cheeky lil finger gun. the fact that he sums it up so fucking simply. “if someone is trying to do the right thing, I want to support them.” exactly. exactly

(ETA: and one last thing I love but forgot to mention, which is the fact that Hawks calls it a team-up despite the fact that he is clearly in charge.)

meanwhile Jeanist is all “as for me, at this point I just straight up don’t give a fuck”

I can’t handle how fucking cool this chapter is you guys

so Hawks is all “you good?” at Enji. and Enji...

if anyone needs me, I will be building myself a discourse-proof fort made entirely out of problematic characters. I don’t even care. I will go on living my life very happily in here

lol at Natsu being all “BUT DON’T THINK THIS MAKES US FRIENDS”

I’m living for this weird and no-doubt entirely unintended implication that Natsu and them all are gonna join in the fight with the rest of them. I mean, they do presumably all have very powerful ice quirks. and Natsu has medical training on top of that, and Fuyu is skilled at getting eight-year-olds to behave which could be a useful talent for dealing with Tomura hahaha I kid, but I’M JUST SAYING. who needs hero licenses anyway

OH SHIT FINALLY SOME DISCUSSION OF AN ACTUAL STRATEGY. even if it’s just a PR strategy

WHAKLHL

and now for some reason we’re flashing back to Natsu and Fuyu’s attempts to navigate through the media crowd outside the hospital

well I guess this is why I’m not the mangaka. if I were writing this I would have done something trite and predictable like using that “One for All” line as an excuse to cut to Deku!! as opposed to this entirely unrelated scene!!

seriously though why do we need to see this lol

no one in this crowd has ever heard of Alexander Dumas huh. or even the popular 2007 Disney Channel original movie, High School Musical 2

so now there’s an entire page of Hawks saying they need to know what One for All is, and Endeavor having one of those patented Todoroki WHOOSH realizations lmao look at this

just wait until this man figures out that one of the scrappy new interns he took on three months ago was actually the main character all along

SKDFIOHWIERLKSJGLWLK!!

NOW IS PROBABLY A GOOD TIME TO ASK MYSELF WHY I CHOSE THIS CHARACTER WHO KEEPS DISAPPEARING FOR SIX OR TWELVE OR FORTY CHAPTERS AT A TIME TO BE MY FUCKING FAVORITE. WELCOME BACK SON PLEASE DON’T SCREAM YOURSELF TO DEATH YOU STILL HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR TORSO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(ETA: can we just take a moment to appreciate how Bakugou even got so close to Deku’s room in the first place though. in this giant hospital with no idea of where to even go. does he have Deku Radar or something.)

YOU SIX ARE OFFICIALLY ON MY HIT LIST!! SPARE ME YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS!! MY BAKUDEKU REUNION KEEPS GETTING POSTPONED WEEK AFTER WEEK!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HEROES WHERE IS YOUR CONCEPT OF MERCY

(ETA: btw just to be clear, I’m not actually angry lol; it makes total sense that they don’t want this rampaging feral toddler who was still in his own coma all of fifteen minutes ago to come and start screaming at the other coma child until he tears all his stitches out. if there’s anything we Bakugou fans should be familiar with by now, it’s being patient.)

also, Tsuyu wrapping her tongue around Bakugou’s still-healing torso wound absolutely can’t be hygienic at all. also wait is that Inko??

(ETA: pretty sure it is her. she got all of one line smdh.)

Iida is all “thank god Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight pulled through, I thought for sure he was a goner back there”

for the record this is actually really sweet to see how relieved he is. he’s one of the few people who saw the original injury close up, back when he was still at the battlefield and unconscious, so I imagine it really did freak him out quite a bit

JIROUUUUUU

“sometimes I just like to stand here and tug on my imaginary suspenders, what of it”

how come you guys get to loiter around Deku’s room but Kacchan doesn’t. god fucking dammit. AND WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN

I BET KACCHAN COULD WAKE HIM UP FROM HIS COMA WITH THE POWER OF RIVAL INTENSITY!! BUT NOOOOOOOO, [is dragged away back to my fort]

OH MY GOD!?!

"this seems to be an entirely normal and above-board situation that we have just stumbled onto”

I see Jeanist comes from the Iida Tenya school of respectfully using people’s full names

Jeanist becoming one of the main characters is the best thing to ever happen to this series

EXCUSE YOU, IIDA

BUT I’M SURE HE’D MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR KACCHAN THOUGH!! [elbowing my way back out of the fort] HAWKS, PLEASE --

DON’T GO ALL OMINIOUSLY PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER ALL ON YOUR OWN GODDAMMIT

“there’s absolutely no way this angry wriggling shoulder burrito kid here could answer literally all of my questions, so I’ll just ignore him”

OH MY GOD WE’RE FINALLY CUTTING BACK TO HIM BUT THE CHAPTER IS ENDING

[jumps up, throws a folding chair at Iida and the rest of the gang, and then runs]

oh my god. actually this chapter was awesome. but I’m so fucking mad at this cliffhanger though lol

at least we got a couple of answers! and some hints and teases! poor Deku looks so worn out even though he’s asleep dlwkjl my little green baby. and is it just me or is his quirk activated?? All Might’s all “I can feel it” as if it isn’t obvious just looking at him, why are you trying to be all mysterious dude

anyway! so at least we finally have confirmation and a date for those vestige antics at long last. looking forward to meeting Mister The Fourth next week so we can finally ask him “hey dude, what the fuck”

[felswritingfire]

First Parent up is Horkeu Kamui! I hope these satiates those who requested for him for a bit, I’m still getting a feel for his character! 

Under the cut for length!

Word Count: 2429 

Horkeu Kamui

IF YOU WANTED TO HAVE/RAISE BABIES, HE’D BE SO HONORED ABOUT IT

He’d probs go off into a spiel about it and you’d have to sit through this hour long talk of him shooting off about how humbled he is that “you’ve chosen this Horkeu Kamui to sire your children, my Hero- it is the highest honor-”

He’d probs end up with with three little babies, all of them boys, the oldest is two years older than the twins and all of them are extremely overprotective of you when they get older

He’s ecstatic when you bring home your first boy. He’s always been enamored with the thought of a family and now here’s the start of one with his beloved hero. He’s honestly euphoric about it 

You’d think that he'd be an amazing dad with zero problems since he’s had a history of raising heroes- but, here’s the thing, he has zero clue how babies work because when he gets the heroes, they’re usually all older then, you know, little kiddos. So when you hand him your guys’ first boy for the first time, he just, let’s him lay in his arms too afraid to move because what if he drops him????

You have to lead him by the hand for a bit, which he’s a little embarrassed about, real talk, until he gets the hang of it- which he does, he gets it real quick

He’ll try his best with diapers, but,,, my guy- the dude has a sniffer, what, 100xs better than ours??? So like, he’s coming out of that shit (haha) with tears in his eyes and a migraine. So I suggest you doing it just to spare him and then just comfort him afterward, because a Kamui who’s in pain is… well, painful to see

He does everything else tho!

He loves dressing your babies up in general! He gets these really cute baby clothes that Bathym designed just for your babies, even tho your first boy would always give him grief about wearing clothes- which killed Kamui because he hates doing stuff that makes your babies uncomfy (he’s really soft for them- like extremely soft for them) 

Your twins tho, love wearing the clothes and he actively sends pictures of them to Bathym who literally flips his lid everytime 

Your older one will try to pull said clothes off of them any chance he gets though, in his two year old words: “Trapped!”

Kamui is distressed and you laugh at his distress, which just distresses him even more because:

“My Hero, are you taking a video of this?” “Yes” You say as you continue to hold up your phone, a bright smile on your face. 

He’s struggling with pulling your biggest boy off of your youngest son who’s fighting to keep his shirt on.

With your guys’ babies, they slept in their crib until they started figuring out how to crawl out of it (especially when they all respectively start walking) to get to you guys; you thought that this was just going to be a trend with your first born- but no, he started breaking out the twins and you two almost shit when you both woke up when you felt shifting on the end of the bed that ended up crawling up until your guys’ chest, Kamui tensing, and then you two open your guys’ eyes and there’s three sets of sparkling eyes staring down at you. Suffice to say, Kamui almost launched your boys into the ceiling until he realised who they were. Which they were giggling all the while, your oldest holding the other two up by their waists, until your youngest yawned and flopped down in between you two. And then your middle boy went right after and then your oldest boy rolled your middle out of the way and squashed him up to your youngest, proceeding to curl up against Kamui’s side and knocked out

You and Kamui looked at each other until you shrugged and grabbed the blanket at the end of your bed and pulled it over the boys before you snuggled deeper into the blankets. Kamui promptly followed your lead

When they turn to toddlers, Kamui starts to teach them all how to fight since he wants his boys to be able to protect themselves (and you)

Your first born is, of course, two years ahead of them in his training compared to the twins so he takes it upon himself to help them when they need it so that their papa doesn’t have to worry about them too much, which Kamui is so proud of him for

When he he first took them to the Berserkers colosseum- they uprooted EVERYTHING because all of the gladiators went bat shit crazy when they met the babies; nobody went to do any of the fights, they were all derailed because everyone wanted to say hi to the boys

Kamui was a little worried about his oldest because he almost bit Claude’s hand when he tried to touch his youngest brother, but Claude just laughed it off and started into a spiel about how he would make a great gladiator for the Berserkers one day!

It all changed when he noticed Snow and he screamed and rushed to hug his leg. Snow was shocked and Kamui was trying to pry him off his leg all while saying “Apologies, I should have warned you all, he loves lions and other such big cats.” 

Snow was so flattered that day

The boys are enamored with Pollux and they cheer every time he’d show off his punches, your middle thinks he’s one of the coolest things ever and wants to learn how to punch like him 

Bathym already knows the boys but he’s still so excited to see them and he shows off his moves too, which the oldest tries to copy but he refuses to let go of Snow’s pant leg so he ends up slipping and almost falling but there’s, like, four different sets of hands shooting to keep him from falling; but your youngest is hoping around and toddling towards Bathym and Bathym is MELTING. He ends up holding him the entire time that Kamui is there with them 

They meet Nomad and Macan and your oldest is determined to hold onto all of the cat therians; Nomad complains as he lets him hold onto his pant leg too- Macan he has to be convinced a bit more. “Hah? You wanna get eaten, kid?” 

“Not if I eat you first!”

Kamui almost shit until Macan laughed and wrapped his tail around his arm (which left him sparkly eyed) and said: “you can’t even if you tried.”

Your middle boy noticed this and decided to grab onto papa’s tail and Kamui almost died

All three end up meeting Garmr and they are IN LOVE with him and Garmr gets all the pets and love he could ever want 

They’re all sad to leave and the Berserkers force Kamui to make a promise to bring the three babies back

Kamui is happy too because now he has like, 20 different babysitters. Score.

When they hit the tween years, your oldest is very boisterous and energetic, he bounces off the walls and you have no idea which one of you he got that from. Your other two are very calm, though your youngest is the shyest out of your boys

Your oldest boy is very popular and definitely joins a sports club, something like football, but he definitely goes into wrestling if they have that  (he practices with Uncle ‘Suke who makes him a mask for him, but instead it’s wolf themed). He’s protective of his brothers and the people he cares for, so he doesn’t put up with any bullying on his watch. He will square up if he has too, but it usually doesn’t have to come to that because he’s pretty chill by the end of it 

The oldest comes to Kamui when he needs help with emotional problems, which, might not be the best, but it also is an added oof for Kamui because your oldest has zero filter so when he asks why you have to pee into a girl to have a baby, Kamui almost DIES

  Your middle flits between you and Kamui, luckily he is not one to just hit you with any off the wall questions, so it’s all nice and relaxed when you answer his questions

The little one goes to you with any of his problems. Which can go either way because he’s very similar to Kamui with his social skills, so you’re sometimes sitting there blinking at him trying to figure out how to answer a question 

The boys at this point are becoming more and more protective of you and they are determined to keep you safe and happy. Like, any person even thinks about flirting with you- they’re getting three tweens in their face and it’s terrible because they could all snap a man’s back over their knee and they’re only, what? 13 and 11 respectively (they are huge baby bois, adopted or not) 

Your twins are both much calmer than their older brother, they’re also much closer to their dad’s disposition too, so they tend to be closer to wall flowers- or at least they try; their big brother drags them into the spotlight a lot because he talks about them ALL THE TIME- so they have to put up with their brother’s rambunctiousness a lot

All three of them have a tendency to get in trouble together, your oldest usually runs head first into things while the other two are trying their hardest to get him to not do what he wants to do

There was this one time you and Kamui had to go and get them at three in the morning because your oldest dragged the boys into, what they thought was an abandoned fake haunted house, and your youngest twin called you in near tears as he quickly screeched that: “THE HOUSE IS ACTUALLY HAUNTED- THE HOUSE IS ACTUALLY HAUNTED- MOM/DAD/NANO- COME AND GET US-” And then the message cut out at the sound of your oldest son screaming bloody murder and your oldest twin… also distantly screaming: “DAD. COME AND GET US-” You also heard some… growling??? And more screaming????? You think???? Anyway- you almost shit, and since you were in the living room at the time and Kamui was in your guys’ little home gym you both ended up almost running into each other trying to get out of the house and into the fucking car- 

So, you two get there, ready to murder someone- when you see all three of your boys sitting in front of said “haunted house” just to see Benten of all people yelling at them with Ebisu holding his face in his hands; turns out Benten also thought that the house is haunted and decided to go in their for a video, she also dragged the poor man into it too, and they ended up bumping into a dresser and knocking it over, which set off the boys which caused your son to start swinging, which kicked up a whole bunch of dust, almost got Ebisu punched in the face, and caused Benten to start swinging as well-

Long story short, they were very grounded after that 😔😔😔

By the time they get into high school, your oldest is still loud and boisterous but he’s already on the verge of getting a scholarship for his football and Wrestling and the twins have really committed to their passion: which is MUSIC!

Your oldest twin is in band and plays the French Horn, but he also plays the violin and Bass (Kamui really likes the bass so he learned how to play it just for him ); while your youngest is in choir! Him and his brother get together and do a mini concert just for you two and their older brother- who cried whenever they first played, he was so proud

Their older brother still brags about his little family- it’s actually gotten worse

All of his friends know almost everything about you guys, it’s kinda freaky tbh

Also, you will never forgive Kamui for instilling the instinct to protect you with their lives because they really take their job seriously 

There was this one time where your oldest brought one of his friends over and, aw, poor boy had a big ol’ crush and you and almost got chucked through a window when he tried to be smooth with you by three different giant boys

Kamui just sat with a serene smile on his face as he flipped some pancakes- he’s such a little shit, you swear-

Your boys still like to be near your guys despite being older- like they prefer sticking to you guys than going with their friends

UM, YOUR BOYS TRAIN- despite the boys not focusing on a fighting career or anything of the sort, they still like to be able to stand on par with their big brother so they can help him train- WITH THE RANKERS AND CLAUDE HAD TO REALLY SELL YOU TWO ON IT TO LET HIM TRAIN WITH MACAN BECAUSE, BRO, IF MACAN HURT YOUR BOYS HE WAS GONNA BE TURNED INTO A TIGER RUG BY THE BOTH OF YOu

But he’s actually a really good teacher??? Which shook the fuck out of both of you (and Nomad) 

Speaking of that, your oldest likes training with him, Snow and Nomad the most, while your oldest twin likes training with Pollux and your youngest likes learning from Bathym the most and has some scary ass kicks now 

When your boys do graduate, all of the Berserkers are there to see it and Kamui is so proud of them- he’s not one to cry but he will have this super proud smile on his face and he’ll bring his boys into his arms and squeeze them real tight- your oldest is full on sobbing because he doesn’t want to leave you guys for college; the twins are also sobbing because they don’t want to leave, but they end up going to the same college as their older brother (who is excited AS FUCK ABOUT IT) 

Another really good dad, I think he’d be really fulfilled by the end of it all- he loves his boys to death and he’s so happy you chose to have a family with him- he’s just- ah- so good

[beauvibaby]

show you how to be loved - j.benn

requested: [x] yes [] no (you guys asked for him)

a/n: I’ve never written for Jamie Benn, I am absolutely so nervous about this. I have zero clue as to why but the idea hit me, so here it is.

Warnings: toxic relationship, some heavy cursing in the beginning

“You’re fucking serious right now?” Your boyfriend, soon to be ex, shouted at you, watching as you shoved as many of your clothes as you could into a duffel bag. “Of course I’m serious! You came home with a hickey, that I definitely did not put there! I’m done, I can’t,” you paused, taking a shaky breath as you zipped up the bag, “I can’t let you treat me like this anymore, you’ve made me truly believe I was the bad one in this relationship, I lost my friends for you.” You couldn’t speak any longer as a sob tore through you, and had he been anywhere near decent he would have at least apologized but all he did was grab your wrist as you walked out, yanking you to face him one last time. “I never want to see you again, you were only good for a quick fuck.” He hissed, you always told yourself not to believe him, but his words were burned into your brain as you stormed out of the house, your fingers working quick on your phone before you could think otherwise.

You slammed your car door shut as you put in the address you hadn’t been to in so long, too long. You knew how to get there like the back of your hand, but with your emotions running high, you wanted the reassurance from the gps on your phone. Please, let him be there, please.

Rounding the corner onto his street you suddenly felt like an idiot, your stomach twisting in a knot, you hadn’t seen him in months, barely spoken to him in weeks, because your ex didn’t like him. “It’s weird, you're twenty five, he’s thirty one, why does he hang out around you?” The words rang through your head, over and over as you sat parked in front of his house, the lights were on, he was there, and then another worry hit you. What if he wasn’t alone, what if he had a girl there? The thought made you let out another cry, your eyes still red and puffy from the cries you had let out on the way here. You pushed everything aside, you’ve known Jamie for years, he’d been a family friend, and then when you moved to Dallas, you reconnected, it was nice. “Fuck it.” You whispered, swinging the car door open, you rubbed your sweaty palms on your leggings as you approached the front door. Your hand lifted to the doorbell, hovering for a moment, finally you pushed it, hearing the noise ring through the house. You paced on the front steps, had you just made a huge mistake? He probably didn’t even want to see you. “Y/N?” Jamie questioned, opening the door slowly. “What are you doing here?” He asked, stepping out closer to you, he watched with furrowed brows as you turned to face him, the porch light showing the tears scattered on your cheeks. “Hey, hey, what happened?” He took two big steps to you, grabbing you carefully by the shoulders, looking you over for any physical injuries. “He-he-uhm, we broke up.” You squeaked out, shamefully, “I don’t know why I came here, I’m sorry, I’ll go.” You rushed, feeling your cheeks heat up. “No, you’re staying, I’m not letting you drive like this.” He demanded softly, pulling you in for a hug. You hesitated, like you had been conditioned, not to hug any guys that weren’t related to you, Jamie didn’t say anything, he released you, guiding you into the house. When you entered the house, you quickly wiped at your face while he turned to shut the door. “Y/N,” he gasped, you looked up at him in confusion but that turned to a frown when his fingers delicately grabbed your wrist, slightly discolored marks there from the grip your ex had taken on it. “Did he do this?” Jamie asked, his tone hard but his eyes soft, you bit your lip as you looked up at him, your eyes telling him everything he needed to know. You reached your hand up to play with your necklace, something you always did when you were nervous, panic ran through you, it wasn’t there, it wasn’t-oh god, you forgot to put it on after your shower, and now you left it there. “What’s wrong?” Jamie asked, eyes looking down to your hand running over the base of your neck. “My necklace, my grandma’s necklace, I left it there, I need to go get it, I-” “Hey, calm down.” He cut you off, grabbing your hands, only then did you realize how close you were. “I’ll go get it, you’re not going to be back there with him.” He started rubbing circles into your hands as he spoke, “Jamie.” You sighed, shaking your head, that was a disaster waiting to happen. “No. Y/N, I’m not letting you go back there with him, just tell me where it is, and I’ll go get it. Let me do this.” He left no room for negotiation. “It’s in the purple jewelry box, the second drawer in the bathroom.” You whispered, pulling your hands from his, he hesitated for a moment, hands cupping your cheeks as he left a short kiss on your forehead. You ignored the way it made your heart flutter, “thank you.” You whispered as he grabbed his keys, “I’ll be back soon, just make yourself at home.” He spoke quickly, disappearing out the door before you could say anything else.

You jumped up when you heard the door open, you had fallen asleep on the couch, the TV playing softly in the background. “Jamie?” You called, his head popped around the corner, “I thought you were sleeping.” He mumbled sheepishly, walking around the corner, your eyes scanned over him, landing on the bag in his hand, and also spotting the jewelry box. “I got the rest of your things, he was trying to throw them out.” Jamie rolled his eyes, but you didn’t miss the small wince from his action, you stood up, making your way over to him, “Jamie.” You sighed, gasping softly when you saw a small cut on the top of his cheek. That was most definitely not there when he left. “I’m sorry.” You added, running your fingers just underneath the mark. “It’s fine, it’s nothing compared to what I’m used to.” He assured you, both of you staring at each other. “You can stay, as long as you need, I have some away games coming up, you could think of it as house sitting.” He eased your nerves, you didn’t want to impose, and he knew that. Even though you could never impose on him, but you didn’t know that.

***

That was two months ago, and you were still here, but it was different, the two of you had gotten closer than ever, but still nothing had happened, you could tell it was there, for both of you, but both of you were too scared to make a move. You skimmed over the comments on your instagram post, cringing at the level of people making snide comments about your looks, you were sandwiched in between Jamie and Tyler in the photo, the three of you with wide, slightly drunk smiles. It was a great night, you’d gotten close to a lot of Jamie’s friends, and their significant others, Jamie brought you along everywhere, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t like it, any time you got to spend with Jamie, made your heart skip a beat. Yet, all because of people you didn’t know, pointing out all the little things, just like your ex had done, it made you fall back into that self doubt. “Y/N, did you want to watch-oh shit, sorry.” Jamie spun on his heels, hand shooting to his eyes, you rushed to grab your pajamas, you were about to change but the comments made you stand in front of the mirror, nitpicking yourself. The way your stomach stuck out just a bit more than most, the way your thighs rubbed together, the slight roundess in your cheeks, it never used to bother you, but now it was all you could think about. “I’m dressed.” you whispered, smoothing the shirt over your body, shorts covered your hips. He turned back to face you, seeing the way you shifted uncomfortably, he didn’t say anything about it. “I was coming to ask if you wanted to watch a movie?” He spoke, rubbing the back of his neck, attempting to hide the way his face blushed as he looked at you. “Yeah, sure.” You whispered, walking past him, and towards the living room.

You were watching the screen but yet you were oblivious to what was happening, Jamie was chuckling every once in a while, forcing his mind to take in the movie. “Seriously, what is so interesting on your phone?” He sighed, not even bothering to pause the movie as he tried to peek at your phone, you locked it instantly. “Nothing.” You grumbled, shooting him a glare, that he definitely didn’t deserve. “It’s bothering you whatever it is, why don’t you talk to me.” He questioned, sliding closer to you, he watched you unlock your phone, handing it to him on your instagram comments. You sheepishly looked away, biting the tip of your thumb to distract yourself. Jamie sat forward, elbows resting on his knees as he read the comments.

Shouldn’t wear a crop top with a pudgy stomach

Trying a little too hard

She must be a good hookup if they’re hanging with her

Those being the most popular options. “Y/N-” “What? It’s true, I look terrible in that picture, I shouldn’t be spending so much time with you anyways, you need to be doing whatever you want, not lugging me around.” You ranted, eyes flickering between his and your phone, you took the phone back and hit a few buttons, deleting the picture as Jamie protested all your words. “Please don’t say that about yourself. Please don’t believe that. You’re so much more than that. You’re so… god, you’re so amazing.” He spoke so softly, you almost didn’t hear him. He moved to be kneeling before you, “what?” Your eyes went wide, looking him over, he placed his hands on your thighs, he closed his eyes for a moment, “you’re amazing, those people are just jealous.” He spoke a little louder, your lips curling up softly. “What?” You asked again, not believing him. “You’re serious?” You added, watching as he went wide eyed, “of course, I’m serious.” He answered instantly. “You deserve the world, and then some, I was so blind to never realize how much you meant to me until now. God, when I saw you outside my house, crying, that night, it killed me. The fact that anyone could make you feel that unloved, it’s so messed up.” He looked up at you with those eyes, those damn eyes that showed every emotion. “But I’m-” “What? There’s nothing about you that would make me want you any less.” He cut you off, you shook your head, playing with the necklace around your neck. “Jamie, I think this,” you motioned between him and you, “this is more serious for me than it is for you, I don’t think I can do this, I’m not the girl you see me as, I’m insecure, and broken, and I don’t know how to feel loved.” You whispered, letting your eyes shut as a tear slipped out, “I mean for god sakes, you just walked in on me shaming myself in a mirror, you don’t need to put up with that, it’s embarrassing.” You snapped, not daring to look at him as he stayed silent.

He reached up, gently using your chin to turn your face towards him. “It’s not putting up with that, it’s showing you how you should’ve been treated all along, you’re beautiful, and the fact that you don’t see it, is just mind blowing. I want to be here for you when you feel like that, I want to be the shoulder you cry on, I want to be the guy who’s showing you how to be loved.” He explained, moving closer as he spoke, “let me be that guy, please, Y/N. I love you.” He was all but touching your lips with his, you nodded, closing the gap. You were so utterly in love with the man in front of you for so long, that you didn’t even realize what you were missing out on. “I love you too, Jamie.” His grin showed throughout his whole face, his eyes lighting up as he stared at you. “We have to take it slow, please.” You mumbled, he agreed in an instant. “Whatever you need.” He pulled you in for another kiss before climbing back up onto the couch, except this time, you leaned against him, feeling your worries melt away. So this is what it’s like to be loved.

taglist: @softstarkey​ @mtkachuk​ @thathockeygirl​ @literarycharleton​ @wtfkie​

[cosmicbells]

i need you (s. moran)

genre: angst, fluff at the end

description: sebastian moran has never loved anyone since the day he was announced as killed in action. so when he’s on the verge of losing you, he does everything in his power to keep you by his side.

warnings: abuse, gore, almost sexual harassment (it almost happens but it gets stopped)

a/n: i couldn’t help myself...this is for my amazing followers who are the reason i keep writing :) also this is heavily inspired by the baskerville arc

there was nothing to curb the unslaught of pure fury and anger that coursed through sebastian moran’s veins. his grip on the glass of whiskey in his hand was so tight that the glass had cracked under the pressure. the living room was deadly silent. william was focused on the map in front of him, and fred eyes were trained on moran. albert and louis had gone out to town to see if they could find information on your disappearance.

“mister moran?” fred’s soft voice spoke up, and moran could feel a sliver of his anger fade at the soothing tone of one of his closest friends.

“yes?” he leveled his voice out, trying not to snap at fred.

“did they say anything to you before they disappeared?” his voice is gentle, wary of the heavy tension in the room. he can see the way moran’s grip on the glass tightens and the glass cracks just a little bit more.

“they said they love me and they’d see me in a little bit. that’s it,” moran grits out, staring pointedly at the floor. he doesn’t see fred nod or william glance up from the map. all he can think about is how he had held you in his arms yesterday, smothering your face in kisses as you giggled from his affection. and now, you were gone. and he had no idea where you were.

•••

cold. your body trembled in the cold, eyes screwed shut at the impenetrable feeling of cold that shook you to your very core. by the time you had finally opened your eyes, you wish you had kept them closed instead. lining the walls were various organs in clean clear jars. your breath catches in your throat at the sight. you want to scream, every cell in your body urges you to scream for help, but your voice fails you. you move to stand up, but a heavy chain on your ankle stops you. the panic sets in at the sight, but before you can say anything the door across the room swings open.

“enjoying your stay in my humble abode?” the man before you grins, and it’s almost reminiscent of the way sebastian smiles mischievously at you when he has a sneaky plan. except now the smile scares you to your very core.

“you disgust me,” you try to growl out, but it only comes out as a breathless whisper. the words he said yesterday ring loudly in your ear, and you shrink in on yourself at the idea of them.

“now now love, that’s no way to talk to an old comrade of your lovers! didn’t sebastian teach you manners?” he taunts, and you wince at the underlying danger in his words. he moves closer to you, hands clasped behind his back. you try to shuffle back, but the chain on your ankle binds you to your spot on the floor.

“he also taught me how to defend myself so i’d watch out if i were you,” you warn him, hands coming up in front of you. the man giggles maniacally, crouching down in front of you and grabbing your chin forcefully. you try to push his hand off, but his other hands grabs both of your wrists and shoved them down onto the ground, your entire upper body moving with you. you cry out as your nose hits the concrete, pain blooming across your entire face.

“maybe i should teach you manners through pain. it’s proven successful in the past you know,” his voice is horribly close to your ear, and panic flows easily through your bones at the implication. your fight or flight fails you, your entire body freezing as you feel the cold metal of handcuffs click around both of your wrists. the heaviness of the cuffs jolts you back to reality. your voice finally comes back, and your screams echo throughout the chamber until the heavy foot of the man next to you knocks you completely out.

•••

“you know where she is?” moran tries to keep his voice steady, not wanting to fill himself with false hope. william nods, and moran forces himself to remain calm and stay still. his focus on william as he explains the plan is razor sharp. he instantly memorizes every detail of the plan, left hand clenching and unclenching sporadically.

“any questions?” william finally looks away from the boards, and looks around the room.

“when do we leave?” fred asks before moran can, and sebastian is secretly thankful because if he spoke he wasn’t sure he would be able to keep his voice steady anymore.

“tonight,” william speaks confidently, and it’s reassuring to everyone in the room.

“then let’s hurry our asses up and go,” it’s the first time moran’s spoke since william first started talking about the plan, and the rest of the team watches as he gets up and leaves the room, yanking his arms through the sleeves of his jacket.

•••

“no! stop please i beg of you!” your cries meld with the sound of the whip snapping down on your bare back. your tears fall freely onto the dirty concrete below you, but not as fast as the blood drips down your back.

“my love, have you learned your manners yet?” he mocks you, coming down to you. you’re bent over a wooden block, bare front pressed into the rough wood as your arms hang limply in front of you, still shackled. “i don’t think you have!” he says, moving back up to crack the whip once again. the pain sears through your back, and you can almost feel your nerve endings screaming in pain.

“i have! i have! don’t touch me anymore!” you plead, your body not having the strength to jerk away from the man.

“oh, but this makes it so much more fun for me!” his maniac laugh fills the room again, and the shrill sound almost hurts your ears more than the cuts on your back.

“why? why are you doing this? please, at least tell me that,” you’re hoping the question will deter him from whipping you again, and you breath a sigh of relief when you see his body crouch in front of yours once again. his hand grips your chin and forces you to look up into his beady eyes.

“because my comrades died because of the incompetence of your precious colonel, so i intend to hurt him the same way he hurt me,” he whispers. he’s quiet after speaking, face pensive as he stares you down. after a minute, he smiles widely, and it terrifies you infinitely.

“what?” you’re afraid to ask, but you’d rather have a clue of what’s going through his head than be in the dark.

“i think i have the perfect way of getting back at the colonel!” he exclaims giddily, lifting you up by your wrists. fear floods through your system as your entire front half is exposed, and flail about as he hooks your cuffed wrists onto the hook in the wall just behind you.

“no, no, what are you doing?” you try to kick him back with your one free foot, but he catches it easily and yanks you so half of your body is laying down and the other half is suspended by your cuffs nailed to the wall.

“i wonder how sebastian would react knowing another man had touched his lover hm?” his hands travel across your naked front fingers tweaking your nipples.

“no! no! stop it please! i beg of you!” you’re sure your screams travel throughout the entire house. his hands travel lower, playing with the hem of your pants. terror shoots through you, and your feet kick out as you scratch your vocal chords screaming.

“sir! the guards at the front of the property have been found dead!” one of the house boys bursts through the door and you breathe a sigh of relief. the noble turns back to you, face red and eyes trained angrily on you. the last of your energy is used to smirk at him, chest heaving.

“your old friend is here. can’t wait to witness the reunion,” you breath out. the noble growls, yanking your cuffs off of the hook and undoing them. he grabs the thin cotton shirt you usually wore and throws it at the house boy.

“dress them quickly then take them to my favorite spot,” he grits out before turning back to you. “you’ll be lucky if you see him before you die,” he says before rushing out of the room. you’re frozen in your spot, numb as the house boy dresses you again and undoes your chain, yanking you out of the chamber and through the house. the only thing you can focus on is how the shirt sticks to your back from all of the sticky blood.

•••

the sound of a blade slashing through human flesh falls on the team’s ears as they rush through the forrest. moran turns and nods to william, signaling for him and louis to break off and head towards the manor. moran turns back around with fred behind him. his thoughts are all zeroed in on finding you.

“are you okay?” fred’s voice pulls him out of his silence, and he stops and turns to look down at the younger boy.

“i don’t really know. i just need to know they’re alright,” he confesses, one of his hands running through his hair. fred nods before walking past the colonel.

“knowing them they’ve probably stayed alive for you,” he says, not turning back. for the first time in days, moran cracks a smile. as he’s about to speak again, a shrill scream erupts through the forrest. it’s far away and faint, but he’d recognize your voice anywhere. fred watches as his friend breaks into an all out sprint, and he quickly follows after him.

•••

“sebastian! fred! will! someone!” your voice cracks at the force of your screams, and they’re quickly cut off as the noble shoves a dirty rag into your mouth. your cries are muffled by the rag, but still audible. your hands are stuck to the tree behind you, both pinned to the tree above you. they’re stuck in place with a nail in each palm. blood drips down from your wounds, trailing down your arms and down your back. your breathing is heavy and if your hands weren’t stuck to the tree you were sure you’d collapse. even now you barely had the energy to keep yourself upright on your toes. each little movement of your hands shot sharp pains down your arms.

“i wonder how your precious colonel would react seeing your dead, lifeless body strung up to a tree like this,” he ponders, hand reaching behind him. you glare harshly at him as you watch him look back to you. your eyes widen in fear at the glare of the silver gun in his hand.

“i wonder where i should shoot first? i don’t think i want to kill you just yet,” he says before pointing his gun just above your head and pulling the trigger. the pain is delayed, but when it hits you your screams filter loudly through the gag in your mouth. your entire right arm is burning hot, and your bone feels as though it’s completely shattered where you’ve been shot. you can’t help but slump forward at the pain, hands tugging excruciatingly painfully at the nails. your entire right arm is on the verge of going numb, but you force yourself to lift your head up to meet his gaze. he grins maniacally, giggling in delight.

“maybe now i can kill you. i’m getting bored of you now. i’m just waiting for your little lover to come sav-” he’s cut off by the bullet in his head. blood and brain matter spew out of the other end of his head, and his body slumps down. you watch as sebastian barrels out of the forrest, sprinting towards you.

“princess!” his voice breaks, but you couldn’t care less as he pulls the gag out of your mouth and looks up to gently pull the nails out of your hands. “eyes on me love, don’t focus on what i’m doing ok? you’re going to be okay i promise,” you can hear how shaky his voice is, and you can barely feel the nails comes out. your hands have gone almost entirely numb at this point.

“i...missed you,” you manage to get out. the adrenaline starts to fade, and the exhaustion starts to weigh your entire body down.

“i missed you too baby but you gotta stay awake for me ok? fred come help me!” he shouts over his shoulder, discarding the nail from your left hand. your arm drops immediately, and moran has to grab your body with one hand to keep you from completely collapsing and putting even more pressure on your shot arm. fred rushes from the forrest, coming next to moran and wiping bloody hair out of your face.

“hey there. i gotta keep you awake, so can you talk to me about stuff? wanna tell me what you want to plant in the garden when we get home?” you’ve never heard fred talk this much before, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“lillies, they’re my favorite,” you say, focusing on fred’s face.

“ok, we can do that,” he nods, smiling softly at you.

“ok i’m done!” moran announces, throwing the other bloody nail away and gently letting your arm rest next to you. he leans down and slowly lifts you up bridal style, cradling your body close to his.

“sebastian i want to sleep,” you murmur quietly, nuzzling your head into his chest.

“i know princess, but you gotta stay awake for me,” he says, going as fast as he can without hurting you. your eyes flutter shut unintentionally, and you hum in response. the last time you hear is shouts of your name falling desperately from the colonels lips.

•••

the next time you wake up, your entire body feels like it’s being weighed down by a million rocks. your head feels as though it’s filled with cotton, and you groan at the feeling. when you finally manage to open your eyes, you’re met with your body swathed in a warm blanket. turning your head slightly to the left, you see moran asleep in a chair next to you, one of his hands underneath your bandaged one. the moment you shift your hand slightly though, he jerks awake, looking at you in disbelief.

“princess?” his voice is low, eyes red and hand trembling beneath yours.

“hey colonel,” you rasp out, offering a watery smile as you hold back tears of relief. he shoots out of the chair, kneeling on the ground next to you and ever so carefully cupping your cheek in one of his hands. the moment his hand rests on your face, the tears flow freely, and you lean forward to rest your forehead on his. he holds your face close to his wiping your tears away and letting you occasionally sob against him.

“it’s okay my love, i’m right here,” he whispers, letting you cry until you’ve calmed down.

“i’m sorry i didn’t tell you where i went. he threatened to kill you and i c-couldn’t let that happen,” you whimper out, looking down towards the floor. moran lifts your head back up to his, delicately holding your face.

“please don’t ever apologize to me for that again. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there to protect you,” he says earnestly, holding back tears of his own. you shake your head vigorously at his words.

“don’t be sorry. i love you okay? that’s all that matters now,” you reassure him, leaning forward to kiss him. he reciprocates easily, threading his fingers through your hair and kissing you gingerly. when he finally pulls away, he smiles at you.

“i never want you to have to worry about me ever again ok? i need you by my side forever, so i will do everything in my power to keep you safe okay?” he says, and you nod, laughing lightly at his confession.

“i’ll be with you until the end of time,” you say confidently, letting your love heal the both of you. he lets you go back to bed, making sure to hold your hand softly until you were asleep again.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #391

“if you wanna soar with vultures, you’ll have to swallow crow”

Have you ever been to Australia? No. I want to visit a friend there, but honestly, Australia scares me too much lmao. That place is like, the Hard mode in life. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My sister's husband just had his. Are you wearing a necklace? If so, describe it. No. Do you know anyone who is left-handed? My best fren. Ever wear out a CD? What was it? Haha, yeah... I caused a few scratches on Ozzy's Black Rain, as well as one more of his, where the album name is surprisingly evading me. What’s your favorite card game? Magic: The Gathering. What’s your favorite fast food meal? Burgers or chicken tenders are usually my go-to, depending on the place. Where is the best restaurant you’ve ever eaten in at? The Cheesecake Factory. @_@ Lamb chops or pork chops? I've actually never tried lamb chops before, but I've always thought they look yummy. If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne, probably. It's very motivating. Ever heard of Shinedown? Yeah, I like 'em. They're one of Dad's faves. What size is your bed? Queen. What is the first meal you remember eating? Hell if I know. What was the first movie you ever saw? I also don't remember. What percentile of your class were you in? The top. Can you name every place you’ve ever had sex? I probably could, but I'm not going to. What forms of birth control have you used? The pill and also just not having a sex life lmao. Do you use sponges or dishcloths when doing the dishes? A sponge. What’s your favorite song on the top twenty right now? I have zero clue what's in the top twenty. Ever punched a wall? No. What was the last bug you killed and what did you use? An ant in the house. My fingers. Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket? I've never been pulled over. What was your first legal alcoholic drink? A margarita, I think? What’s the most expensive things your parents ever bought you? Probably this laptop. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought? My snake. Or my most recent tattoo, idr. What is your favorite cover song? I think Disturbed's "Sound of Silence" is unbeatable as a cover. Well, or Johnny Cash's "Hurt." Both SLAUGHTER the originals. Did you ever drop out of school? College, three times. Ever raise a child that wasn’t your own for more than 3 months? No. Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you? Considering the location, having a pilonidal cyst drained by pushing on it. Jesus FUCKING Christ it hurt so goddamn bad. Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? I don’t have a job. Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely? Windows. Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you? Yes. How many times a year do you go on vacation? Zero, generally. What is your favorite time period in history to learn about? The Holocaust. What’s the saddest report you have ever seen on the news? *shrug* I don't watch the news. In your honest opinion, what is the scariest sea creature you know? Putting aside my illogical fear of whale sharks, probably giant squid. Like no thank u. What superpower do you think would be the most handy in times of trouble? Teleportation. Do you believe there is just one love for everyone, or…? No. There are WAY too many people in the world for that. Plus, you're talking to a person who has been in love with two different individuals, and both were perfectly valid feelings. Why are you best friends with your best friend? She's just simply amazing. Strong, funny, intelligent, caring, supportive, loyal... She's, again, amazing. Do you world peace is truly a possibility in the future? Realistically, no. But it's nice to imagine. Pretend you are a really good cook, what meal would you make? *shrug* It would depend on what I wanted to eat. What do you think of when you look at the stars? Just the vastness of everything, and I wonder what it's like up there in outer space. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Dead? Their shells are part of their actual skeletal structure. What’s one thing you feel you must do in your life before it ends? Just... feel like I did something. What Disney princess are you most like? Personality-wise, I mean. Maybe Belle? To be totally honest, I don't really remember the details of most of their personalities. What do you think is the most important thing in this life is? Love. Do you use any acne medication? Not anymore. Have you ever tried to learn another language? How did it go? I took Latin for one semester, and it was hard as FUCK. I quickly changed to German next semester and did that for all four available classes. Do you still have a landline phone in your home? No. Throughout a typical week, which places are you likely to go? I go to the TMS therapy office every weekday, and I might ride with my mom to pick up groceries or something. How often do you use your webcam, if you even have one that is? Never anymore because my mic doesn't work on this laptop, so there's no reason to. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? Neither, actually. What was the last thing you bought from a liquor store? Mom bought a nice bottle of some pink lemonade Smirnoff the other day for us to try, but she left it at my sister's. ;-; It looked soooo good. Is there any cereal in your house? What kind? Yeah. Mom got some Honey Nut Cheerios and Reese's Puffs. What's the most number of people you've ever lived with? Excluding myself, I wanna say five. Do you celebrate St. Patrick's Day? No. Do you have any pets? How long have you had them? I've had Venus forrrr... I want to say four years, and Roman for two, I think. What's your favourite kind of cheese? American. Have you danced in the rain? No. Who is your favorite person to text? Sara. What’s your favorite brand of jeans? I haven't worn jeans in many years. Do you enjoy Mario games? Not especially. Mario Kart is fun, though. What’s your favorite online game? World of Warcraft. Have you ever been hit with a ball in gym class? Yes. That shit hurts. Who was last to cook for you? My mom. Would you ever wish to explore a cave? YES!!!!! You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Freeze, physically and mentally. Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high? Yes, because I was afraid to say no. Did you ever date the last person you kissed? Yes. Have you ever held a snake? Plenty of times. How often do you have friends over to your house? Never. Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? No. Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? My mom, because she always feels unwanted at Ashley's house. It wasn't unexpected, honestly. She cries a lot in the car when she leaves my sister's house, honestly. It's heartbreaking. Do you have any exercises you do everyday? No. :/ Are you more of a dog or cat person? I'm a cat person. That only becomes more apparent with time, really. Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? I probably have, given I've had nightmares of strangling someone, punching and slapping people... all kinds of stuff. My nightmares are so fucking violent and I hate it. Would you ever have a bird as a pet? No. Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. Do you know someone who’s been cremated? My dog, as well as my younger sister's old pup. And Mom's. What is your favorite animated movie? The Lion King. Did your grandparents teach you anything? To not be horrendously old-fashioned and to never have kids, yes. Congrats, Grandma, I took both things to heart. Do you want/have a Bachelor's degree? No. Are you into superheroes? Who's your favourite? Not massively, no. I like Deadpool (yeah, yeah, antihero, whatever) and Spider-Man. Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Did you like it? Yes to both. Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? I don't think so. Did you ever play Neopets when you were younger? Yes, I LOVED them. Sometimes I'm still tempted to make a new account, I shit you not, lol. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have your parents ever worked in medicine? My mom was a pharmacy technician or some title like that for a long time. Is there anything unusual about your house? I don't think so? How many serious relationships have you been in? Two. Do you listen to Rise Against? I only know "Re-education (Through Labor)," but I LOVE that song. When was the last time you congratulated someone? It was probably something on Facebook, but idr. Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby? Go no, I could never. How old were you when you got your ears pierced? I don't remember my age, but old enough where I did it of my own volition. Do you snore when you sleep? No. Surprising for someone with sleep apnea as horrendous as mine. What was the last type of burger you ate? I had a McDouble from McDonald's a few nights ago.

[calpalirwin]

Running Back to You

Summary: Post-tour life takes its toll

A/N: Wanted to angst this series up a bit so grab the tissues. 

Word Count: 3.7k

And away, and away we go!

__

~Ashton’s POV~

“Oh!” Vanessa’s hand slapped down on the table as her eyes lit up. “I’m gonna make cookies!”

“That sounds great, baby,” I smiled at her. I had flown in the night before and we were figuring out how to spend the day before taking the kids to dinner with Finn for their weekly tradeoff. While cookies sounded amazing, I was selfishly looking forward to our childless evening later. Because even though I had given her a pretty good idea of how much I had missed her when she visited me on tour, I wanted to make the concept crystal clear, leaving no room for even the slightest trickle of doubt.

She quickly got up from the table, a giant grin on her face. I watched her for a moment, mesmerized by the woman and her ability to make any room she was in feel so alive and upbeat. “What?” she asked, looking over her shoulder at me.

“Nothing,” I chuckled, shaking my head. “Just glad to be home.”

There was a lapse of silence as she busied herself with pulling out everything she needed to make cookies, broken by Mason piping up, “Momma?”

“Yes, sweet boy?”

“Momma.” He pointed at the ingredients gathered about the kitchen island counter.

“You wanna help me make cookies?”

“Momma!”

She crouched down to grab him and swing him up on the counter besides everything. “Love?” she asked me. “Can you go check on Bailey, and bring me the baby monitor? I forgot to bring it with me after I set her down for her nap.”

I drummed my fingers against the table as I stood up. “Sure thing. I’m gonna go deal with the garden after. You did remember to water it, yeah?” I teased.

“Yes, because unlike some people, I know how to keep things alive,” she giggled, teasing me back.

“Ouch!” I dramatically clutched at my chest. “Straight for the kill, huh?”

Her laugh was still ringing out as I headed up the staircase towards the nursery. I checked that Bailey was still fast asleep, before grabbing the baby monitor and tiptoeing back out of the room and downstairs. “All good, baby,” I reported, kissing her cheek that already had streaks of flour on it. “I’ll be outside if you need me.”

~Vanessa’s POV~

I pulled the cookies out of the oven, setting them down to cool. “Momma!” Mason pointed excitedly at them.

“Not right now, Mase. They’re for after lunch,” I told him. By then they would have cooled down enough to eat.

“Momma,” he pouted.

“Pout all you want, the answer is still the same.’”

His feet kicked against the counter. “Momma!”

I crouched down a little to be eye level with him. “I know you want them. But just because you ask, does not mean you automatically get. I’m not telling you that you can’t have one. I’m saying that you can’t have one right this second. I need you to be patient, okay? Cookie later.”

He responded with an ear-splitting scream, flapping his arms at his sides. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the lights on the baby monitor go off. Great…

I set Mason down on the kitchen floor, and when I was sure he would just keep screaming and flapping rather than other more destructive stimming, I dashed upstairs to get Bailey. 

~Ashton’s POV~

I heard the screaming, so I rocked back on my heels, dusting my hands against my jeans. With Mason, it was hard to tell the difference between happy and mad screeching, so I got up to make my way inside the house just in case Vanessa needed back up.

A seemingly endless scream was still working its way out of Mason from where he was sitting on the kitchen floor, Vanessa nowhere in sight. I glanced at the counter, noticing the lights of the baby monitor. So Bailey had woken up and Vanessa had run off to deal with that leaving Mason cookie-less for longer than he would have liked. The scream cut off, the moment his face zeroed in on me. “Papa,” was the hoarse hiccup, as he pointed up at the cookies.

“Did Momma not have time to grab you a cookie before Bailey woke up?” I asked, picking him up off the ground and rubbing his back.

“Papa,” he nodded with a sniff.

“Okay, let’s get you a cookie.” I grabbed one, breaking it in half and blowing on it. “Careful, it’s still a little hot,” I warned, holding out one half for him to take a bite of.

He seemed to understand because instead of taking it into his own hand, he opened his mouth so I could hold it while he took a bite. A content smile broke out across his face as the soft cookie broke off in his mouth and the warm chocolate melted further on his tongue.

“What the actual fuck?” Vanessa’s voice snapped behind us and I whirled to find her with Bailey on her hip and fire in her eyes. Uh-oh…

~Vanessa’s POV~

I wasn’t sure why the sight of Mason munching on a cookie in Ashton’s arms made me as angry as it did. It wasn’t like Ashton had been inside to hear me tell Mason that he couldn’t have a cookie until after lunch. And it wasn’t like Mason could, or would, explain to his papa that I had said he needed to wait. He was three. He saw his chance, and he took it. But I was furious all the same. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Ashton asked me, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

“I told him he needed to wait until after lunch…”

“Shit, baby, I didn’t know. I’m sorry…” Ashton apologized. 

That should have been the end of it. But for some reason his admittance of the obvious only further ticked me off. Why? Why was I so mad about my son eating a cookie? Why was this the hill I was going to stake my claim, and die on today? Why did I feel so out of control? When did this start? Think, Nessa, think!

The feeling had started months ago when I had woken up in the empty house for the first time. Sure, I had my own dresser, and I had things hung up across from Ashton’s in the closet. But it was his closet. Sure, my children had their rooms, but it was their rooms in “Papa’s house.” While I certainly lived there, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was still far more Ashton’s home than our home.

And now, watching Mason happily take another bite from half a cookie in Ashton’s hand, made that feeling increase tenfold. Like it didn’t matter what I had told Mason because Ashton could override it because it was his house. And the worst part was that I only had myself to blame because I had been the one who rushed things. Sure, Ashton had played his role of charming outsider who saw me as a woman rather than a mess, and he had played it very well. But it had ultimately been me who hadn’t firmly set those boundaries because it felt so good to feel wanted as a partner. Only I wasn’t a partner anymore, I was just coexisting in the same place. And damn it, if this feeling didn’t cut me deeper than it had the first time when this had happened with Finn.

But that’s not what’s happening, I told myself. Ash isn’t undermining you. He didn’t know. He apologized.

This time it’s an accident. Next time it’s on purpose…

“If you didn’t know, why didn’t you check with me first?” I could hear the shake in my voice as I fought to keep it controlled. I hated the words and the bitter taste they left in my mouth, but I couldn’t stop them from rolling off my lips.

“You’re right,” Ashton admitted, dropping the uneaten quarter of a cookie down next to the other half. “You made them, so I should have checked with you first. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t want his apology. Especially not when he used the same tone I did when I had to calm down Mason. I wanted… fuck, what did I want? I wanted to feel like I was in control of my life, not bouncing from being dependent on Finn to being dependent on Ashton. I wanted to not feel so fuckin’ lost in who I was compared to who I used to be, and who I wanted to be. I wanted to know who it was I wanted to be.

“Baby, I’m sorry.” His chuckle was soft and nervous as he closed the distance between us and his thumb brushed away the tears on my cheeks I hadn’t noticed were there. “Can you tell me what’s going on in that head of yours cuz I’m a little lost here…”

“You’re a little lost?” My words were a harsh scoff.

His hand fell and his jaw twitched in irritation. “Look, I’ve apologized three times now for him eating a quarter of a cookie before you said he could. I don’t know what else you want from me.”

“I don’t want anything from you!” I hissed, taking a step back.

“Then why are you so mad? What am I not seeing here? Feel free to clue me in at any time…”

I wanted to curse and scream everything I was feeling so he would know how much I was hurting inside. But I couldn’t because it would upset Bailey and Mason. “Can I have my son, please?” I asked instead.

His face fell at where my emphasis was. “Yeah.” Ashton set Mason down on his feet. “Go to your momma, Mase…” He masked his hurt in his own emphasis. My lack of ability to express myself had turned into a fight of showcasing my control. That this was my life he was living in, not me living in his like it appeared. The chance for equal ground lost the moment I opened my mouth.

I wanted to backpedal. My logic was screaming at me to stop, but the irrational part had its hand clamped over logic’s mouth, muffling it. “Where are you going?” Ashton followed me as I grabbed Mason’s hand and walked us out of the kitchen.

“I don’t know.” Finally some fuckin’ honesty.

“Are you coming back?”

“I don’t know.”

“Baby…” a broken plea. The one I couldn’t make for myself. 

I dropped Mason’s hand momentarily to swing the diaper bag up onto my shoulder before grabbing his hand again. “I don’t know who I am, Ashton,” I answered back, just as broken.

~Ashton’s POV~

A motherfuckin’ cookie… a single fuckin’ cookie had sent my girlfriend running out of the house going off about how she didn’t know who she was. What the actual fuck?

I sat down on the couch, wiping a hand down my face, and trying to figure out just what the hell had happened. My head was reeling from how in a matter of a half hour we had gone from baking cookies to breaking up. Had we broken up? Had I just been dumped?! Was I supposed to go after her? Or was I supposed to give her space? Fuck, I was gonna be sick…

~Vanessa’s POV~

“I thought Ash was home.” Finn commented as he helped Mason into his booster seat while I put Bailey in the high chair.

“He is.”

“Jet lag?”

I shook my head. I didn’t have it in me to explain to Finn what was going on in my head anymore than I had had it in me to explain it to Ashton this morning. I was exhausted from my mind running itself in circles. I just wanted to rest but nowhere felt like home.

“Shit… sleeping in the guest room bad, or you’re getting a hotel bad?”

I held up two fingers. How could I go back, and face Ashton after what I’d done? I had given him no indication that anything was wrong, and then I had stormed out giving no indication that I would be back. And after the third call, I had turned my phone off. What was I supposed to do? Walk back in, and say sorry?

“Jesus, Ness… what happened?”

“I don’t know who I am, or where I belong…” I whispered, afraid if I spoke any louder it would somehow make everything more real than it already was.

“Oh, Ness…”

~Ashton’s POV~

I hated the way my heart leapt in my throat at the knock on my door. I hated that I had been pacing the house for hours on end. I hated that every phone call went straight to voicemail. I hated that I had never felt more helpless in my life. How could I fix what had happened between Vanessa and me if I had no idea what had gone wrong in the first place? Or what if I was a bigger idiot than I thought for not seeing the signs that something had been wrong?

I wrenched the door open, my heart racing, and every bit of me praying it was her on the other side. So seeing Finn definitely made me do a double-take. “Hey, mate,” I mumbled, stepping aside to let him in. “She’s not here.”

“Yeah, I know. I came here to talk to you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Look, I didn’t get too much out of her, but whatever this is, you gotta fix it. Like the only times I’ve ever seen her this far gone has been when she’s dealt with her family, and I’ve legit told her I wasn’t in love with her anymore at one point so…”

“Fuck…” I collapsed on the couch. Tears pricked in the corners of my eyes. She hadn’t even been this torn up when her and Finn broke up? Fuck… “I dunno what I did… one second we were fine, and the next she was calling Mase hers. And…”

“And she never does that,” Finn nodded, sitting down next to me. “She never pulls the biology card because it doesn’t matter. You’ve accepted Mason as your own, and you’ve been there for Bailey since day one just like we have. You’re Papa, and there’s nothing else to it.”

“But today she did… today she said “my son” in regards to Mase. Over a fuckin’ cookie…”

Finn stifled a laugh. “Sorry, what? A cookie? She’s sleeping at a hotel over a cookie?”

“She’s at a hotel? Which one?”

“I’ll tell you after you tell me what’s going on.”

“I dunno what’s going on! That’s the whole fuckin’ problem, mate!”

Finn held up a hand. “Just tell me your side of things.”

So I told Finn about how we had gone from cookies to “I don’t know who I am.” “Like I know she’s not really mad about the cookie. I know there’s some bigger problem. And I tried to get her to talk to me but she just clammed up and left. And I’ve been sitting here all day wondering if we just had a fight, or if I legit lost her, and I have zero fuckin’ answers.”

“I’m just as in the dark as you are. But, when you were on tour, she did mention feeling like she had lost part of herself. That she didn’t know who she was outside of the kids, you, and me. And that was like right after you left. So it’s probably been eating at her for a while, and the cookie debacle was just her breaking point. Like Ness is very good at putting on a front. She’s good at acting unbothered a lot of the time. She was good at doing that even before we had Mason, which is part of what makes me feel so fuckin’ inadequate in dealing with him compared to her because she makes swallowing her personal feelings so easy. But between the way she grew up, and then everything we’ve been through with Mason… like I said, I’m just in the dark as you are. But I think there’s been a voice that’s been telling her she’s not in control of her own life. And she had her made up list of reasons that proved it. And then you unconsciously reinforced those reasons when she found you giving Mason the cookie she said he couldn’t have. And she finally listened because that’s a lot to deal with just all in your head.”

“Anybody tell you you should be a therapist?” I deadpanned, my heart breaking in my chest for her. It made perfect sense everything Finn had said. She had gone from living with her parents and dealing with her sister constantly one-upping her as some sort of twisted game Vanessa never wanted any part of, to living with Finn and raising Mason, to living with me and raising both Mason and Bailey. She never had a chance to really figure out if she was doing anything on her own; to discover if she was capable of doing anything on her own. And I’d unknowingly played right into it by accidentally undermining her parenting with Mason. I had managed to do the one thing I never wanted to do to her by doing the only thing I wanted to do to her: I had hurt her by loving her.

Finn chuckled softly, pushing up onto his feet. “Good thing I work in family counseling then. Anyway, she’s at the Hilton downtown.”

“Thanks,” I said, following him towards the door and grabbing my keys off the hook. “Hey Finn?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you helping me? I mean… I don’t want to be that guy, but you know her so well, and you guys have history, and whatnot. Aren’t you supposed to be rooting for me to fuck up?”

Finn laughed, shaking his head. “Because you’re Papa Ash. You’d have to fuck up pretty bad for me to root in favor my kids losing a parent. And this? A fight where neither of you fucked up because she lost to her head? Yeah, not on the list.”

~Vanessa’s POV~

I clicked my phone to light up the screen for the millionth time. Nothing. Absolute silence since it buzzed out the notification of 27 missed calls after I turned it back on. Not text messages. No voicemails. No other notifications. Just 27 missed calls from Ashton.

I hated this hotel room. As pretty as it was, the freedom I thought it would bring was suffocating. Nothing in here was familiar. Not the set up, not the views, and definitely not the smells. I wanted to go home, but I didn’t know how. As much as I had been hurting, Ashton hadn’t deserved for me to bring him down to my level of hurt. He had tried to talk to me like an adult, and like a child I had pushed him away and slammed the door.

But if I stayed in this room for one second longer, the whole world was going to learn where Mason got his lungs from. Maybe I could just go to the lobby. Take things from there. Little tasks to make the bigger one seem less daunting.

Somehow I made it down to the lobby, which was weird because I didn’t remember stepping off the elevator, much less actually leaving the room. “Now just get to the car. The car. The car.” I repeated to myself as I speed-walked across the fancy tiled floor. The faster I moved, the less time I would have to overthink what I was doing. Problem was, the faster I moved meant the less I paid attention to anything besides tripping over my own two feet, meaning I definitely tripped over the black pair of boots that raced into my path, sending me colliding into the solid chest of their owner. “Shit! I’m so-” I started before the rest of my senses kicked in. I knew the strength of the arms that instinctively wrapped around me so I wouldn’t fall back; the muscles that belonged to the solid chest; and the smell of sunshine that clung to the wearer of the black boots that had almost knocked me over for the second time in my life. “Sorry,” I breathed, pulling back. “W-what are you doing here?”

“I came to bring you back home. Where were you going?”

“I was coming home.”

“Oh, thank God!” Ashton laughed in relief. 

I laughed with him, stretching upwards to throw my arms around his neck. “I’m sorry,” I cried into his shirt, finally finding the comfort I’d been looking for all day. “I’m so sorry!”

“Shh…” he shushed, holding me tight to him. “There’s nothing to apologize for.” One large hand was in my hair, cradling my head into his chest while the other rubbed at my back.

“I’m sorry!” I continued to cry anyway. “I got overwhelmed, and I didn’t know how to stop,  and…”

“Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Right at me.” He pressed his forehead into mine, and I slowly raised my gaze to meet his hazel one that was as soft as his voice. “We’ve gotta stop meeting like this.”

I choked on my next sob as it turned into a laugh at his terrible ass joke. “That’s not funny,” I laughed anyway.

His body shook with his own laughter. “It’s a little funny.”

I nuzzled my nose against his. “I’m sorry,” I mouthed.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry too. You’re fuckin’ amazing in everything you do, and I don’t ever want you to doubt that. And I’m so fuckin’ sorry if there was anything I ever did that made you doubt yourself.” Each sentence was punctuated with a kiss. First my forehead, then either of my cheeks, and finally my lips.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.”

“Ash?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Can we go home now?”

“Is the room already paid for?”

“Yeah…”

His fingers trailed down my back before going up the front of my shirt. “Seems a bit of a waste, doesn’t it?” he asked, his breath hot upon my neck where he lips traveled next.

“A-Ash?” I breathed, feeling my body go lax in his hold.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.”

__

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[horanimal-10]

Okay, I know we still have the final to go, but given what we've seen so far what's everyone thinking about the Olympic roster? Who you think deserves to make it, who you want to make it, who is a definite no at this point, anything. Now, I basically know jack shit about soccer (I was a field hockey player, oops) but I definitely have some thoughts about who I want/think deserves to make it. 

Let's start with the front line, shall we? 

Christen Press. I mean, this one is obvious. In what universe does CP *not* make the roster? I'll tell you which universe - none. She's clearly having a moment, she's healthy, everyone loves her. She's in, signed, sealed, delivered. Put it on my grave.

Pinoe. Okay, okay, "she's only good on set pieces" people say. Yeah, and those are pretty important. And aside from last night's somewhat sub-par performance in that department, I think she's looked pretty damn good this tournament. Fit af. Plus there is something to be said for the leadership and experience the older players have to offer. I think the rest of the team respects her and values her, and she's super positive and supportive of everyone, which I love. As long as she stays healthy, she's in.

Heath. Whoo. Honestly, I don't think we got a good look at her, what with her limited minutes. But she's the nutmeg queen, she's great on corners, she's spicy, and she does that nifty little backheel thing. And again - experience. Definitely takes on a mentor role with some of the younger players. She's had some injuries going back to the end of the club season, but as far as I know they've been minor. I still cringe every time she gets fouled, but I think she'll be okay as long as Vlatko continues to be smart about managing her minutes until she's 100%.

AMorgs??? Okay, this one's loaded. I give her major props for continuing her training during pregnancy, and I 100% believe she has the drive to be match fit by July. That said, pregnancy and childbirth are unpredictable. If she ends up needing a c section (which I wish on nobody, fingers crossed for a nice, uncomplicated delivery) I don't think she'll be ready due to the recovery period. That is the only reason I hesitate to say she's going for sure but I am hoping for the best and want only good things for her.

Baby Mal??? I don't know. This is a tough one. As much as I miss her, I will admit to thinking (please don't kill me for this) that she looked kind of lost and unfocused in the friendlies last fall. She has the skills to be there, no doubt, it just seemed to me she wasn't connecting well with her teammates, wasn't anticipating where they would be, etc. But I love her and hope she works shit out.

Carlos??? She isn't starter material at this point. This tournament, for her, seemed to be about getting Carlos to the Olympics, not the USWNT. Not at her best, by a long shot, and unlike Pinoe I don't think the younger players really see her as a leader or mentor. Not gonna lie, I was rooting for her because I admire her drive and dedication to keep going, but she fell short here.

Now, I'm skipping ahead to goalies, because honestly that's the easiest.

Uncle Naeher. Biggest no-brainer along with Press. (Honestly...can anyone give me a valid reason for her not to start? I doubt it.) I think she proved both in international and club play last season that she deserves the starting spot. It's hers to lose, but she won't.

Ashlyn. I hesitate to say I'm 100% sure here, but it's a pretty good bet. Campbell or Bledsoe could sneak in there, but at this point I'm leaning towards not. We really didn't get a good look at where she is right now, what with there not being a whole lot of action on that end of the field, but apparently Vlatko likes her so I'm good with that.

Ugh. Now we have midfield and backs. Honestly the toughest spots to cut anyone because they're basically all looking rock solid. 

Rose. Why tf would you cut Rose? That's right, you wouldn't. She's had a solid tournament. Would have liked to see more of her, but benching her against Costa Rica was prob a good call, given her yellow card from the previous game. (Confession - sometimes I feel like she falls in the "looks like she could kill you; would actually kill you" category. Anyone else get this vibe? Not necessarily a bad thing…)

Lindsey. Honestly, I feel like sometimes she doesn't get the credit she deserves. Does she ever have a *bad* game? Even when she's not at her best, she's still The Pretty Good Horan. Solid as a rock. Great one-touch passes. Has perfected the art of the header. Awesome volleys. Just got her first international hat trick, yay! Looks cool, calm, and collected, but is capable of being absolute chaos on main (exhibit A: That Game™ vs Utah). Leaves no square inch untouched as she roams from box to box. Minus last season's concussion (and maybe a minor hamstring injury last fall where she missed a friendly? Am I right?) she's been healthy, which is more than I can say for several others, so there's also that. And she's the love of my life, so I will accept zero criticism on this one.

JJ. She's fast, she's feisty (and sometimes ultra spicy), she and Dunn are adorable bffs, she's a leader. I have nothing bad to say about her. But I'm still kinda salty that Chicago beat Portland in the semis so that's as nice as I'm gonna get. (No hate though, really, she's fantastic.) She needs to stop giving me heart attacks with the couple-pics-that-could-be-pregnancy-announcements, though. One USWNT baby at a time, thanks.

Sammy. Well, she got herself two braces so far in qualifying (okay, that one goal was highly questionable, but the ref said goal so goal it is), so she's definitely made a strong case for herself. She's tall. She's able and willing to catch The Great Horan (you know, because she's the only one taller than The Great Horan). She panics over being the first one on the bus. The only thing I don't like about her? She plays for NCC. But honestly she's adorable, really fucking good, and I love her so I can overlook that.

KO. Okay, I'll admit I was nervous. Her first couple games were a little shaky, she had a few pretty big goof-ups (but I mean when she whiffed that one time she had literally just recovered from a savage attempt at breaking her ankles so I can't even blame her for that) but her ankles were away at war for like 6 months so what do you expect? Last night she was in fine form. She brings a great energy to the game, connects well with Tobito, has the Stanny connection with CP and some cute, newfound friendship thing going on with Horan, and is basically the ultimate hype girl (when she's not being the ultimate frat daddy). When you need a bitch, she's your woman. And she's hot. Like, HOT hot. As long as the ankles hold up, she's gotta be on that roster. I am rooting for those ankles. Hard.

Sonnett. Really did herself a solid with the minutes she had. No complaints from me. Almost scored a goal, and I'm not counting it out in the final. Not afraid to break ankles. She's scrappy, spicy, saucy, a sit-down comedian, a soft smiler, and a package deal with Horan. She deserves the world. The world (or at least the USWNT and its fans) deserves her. Please don't cut her, Vlatko. I beg of you. (I'm not saying if you cut her, I'll cut you, but like...I'm not NOT saying it, either...)

Krieger. What do I need to say except she showed everyone why Jello was an idiot not to play her. She's a beast. And I really, really, really need the wives to both make it bc I will cry if one does and the other doesn't.

Dunn. I mean, have you seen her? She's all over the field. She almost scored during her 100th cap. I've never seen her have a bad game. Voted best dancer on the team. The only problem? See Sammy above. F'n NCC. She deserves better, dammit.

Dahlkemper. Okay, don't sue me, but I really don't have any feelings toward her either way. A lot of people love her. I've never heard anyone say anything bad about her (except this one time I saw someone roast her on IG for following Honkle, but that's her business I guess) so that's good enough for me. Also she's pretty and posts thirsty comments on her teammates pics so basically I stan a supportive Abby.

Broon. Cool as a cucumber. The voice of reason. A literal angel. Captain Becky never lets us down.

Okay. Now for who I don't think will/should make it. 

AD. This makes me really, really sad. I love AD. But she's the only player on the roster who didn't get any minutes, so I think that says exactly where she stands in Vlatko's eyes. It's a shame, because she's amazing, but it's super hard to choose between her and Ash.

Lynn. Clearly Vlatko sees something in her, and tried really hard to make it happen. It didn't happen. I was kind of rooting for her, just because everyone else seemed to be against her, but she just didn't seem to connect with the rest of the team. She's fast, I'll give her that, but it's not enough. 

Jmac. Another one I was rooting for just because everyone else was against her. She has talent, and when she's on she's great, but she wasn't connecting with the others. 

Moe. Nothing against her, just no compelling reason to cut anyone else for her. Injury-prone, which obviously isn't good.

Allie. See Moe, minus the injuries. Bonus points for social media content, though.

Baby T. No clue where she stands with the injury. If she's 100% I have absolutely no reason why she shouldn't be on the team, but I don't know who I'd cut to keep her. If she isn't 100% I'd rather she take the time to heal completely. I know it was reported that she'd be ready to resume training around February, but a while back she herself said she didn't think she'd be 100% by the Olympics so who tf knows. She's SO young and could have 2-3 Olympics (and World Cups) ahead of her so no need to risk a career-ending injury by rushing it. But if she IS ready I'm down for her being an alternate (or, heaven forbid, making roster in the event that anyone else is injured). I like Tierna. I want a long, successful career and only good things for her.

Player I selfishly just want on the team because I like her.

Midge. She was a Thorn, so maybe I'm a little biased, but she's good, she's young (but not *young* young and inexperienced), she's versatile. I like her. A lot. 

Okay, that's all I got. Let me know what y'all think.

[purplesurveys]

1036

survey by tickticktmr

How many...

How many times have you skipped class? I skipped one day a year back in high school, and that cut was always for this day-long event that the school would arrange to serve as a break from academic classes; for example, for those days we had like themed classes like knitting and it was also usually a themed costume day. I didn’t see the point in it, so I always skipped.

I cut a lot of classes in college that it’s impossible to count because, welp, it’s college lol.

How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? Hundreds.

How many years have you known your second closest friend? 10 years.

How many alarm clocks are in the house? We don’t have any alarm clocks, but we have alarms built into our phones. If those count, then we have five.

How many people have you argued with?  I don’t think I can count this. I’ve had arguments with various people ranging from mild bickering to full-blown fights.

How many times have you watched your favorite movie? I watched it every day for a certain period several years ago and I go back to it at least once every year. It’s probably been a little more than a hundred times.

How many people do you live with? Four, my parents and two siblings.

How many pairs of boots do you own? Zero.

How many people have told you they're in love with you? Just the one.

How many times have you cried over the opposite sex? A handful, but all have been in the non-romantic sense. I used to cry all the time when we’d drop my dad off at the airport, and I’ve cried over my grandpa’s and Nacho’s death as well.

How many people have been in your house at one time? Do you mean what’s the most number of people that’s stayed at our house at one given time? Not sure...maybe it was the time the entire executive board of my org came over for a meeting before the official start of the sem? It was only a little over 10 people, but then again my mom doesn’t appreciate too many visitors.

How many stuffed animals are in your room? There are a couple of plushies, but not anything bigger than that.

How many cellphones have you went through? Tons. I was my parents’ nightmare. I’ve gone through 8 so far.

How many pets do you have? We have two living ones, both dogs.

What would you do if...

What would you do if you could never listen to music again? I’d be really distraught over never being able to listen to my favorites anymore. Even if I don’t really listen to music when I’m depressed, i.e. now, I still like having the option to tune in when I feel like it. So even if it won’t be the end of the world, I’d still feel pretty damn lonely.

What would you do if your current bf/gf cheated on you? I don’t have one anymore but I’d be really puzzled and be betrayed if she had, given how much she hates cheaters and the act of cheating.

What would you do if you could never wear jeans again? Rejoice for the most part, but also be sad over mom jeans because they’re the only comfy kind of jeans and that’s the one type I genuinely enjoy wearing.

What would you do if your dad became president? Expect him to tap me for help almost immediately. I think he’d make a good leader considering he’s already one at his work, at least a far better one than my mom ever could be.

What would you do if you lost your most important possession? Right now that’s my laptop. If I lost that, I’d mostly be scared of the possibility of my parents whooping my ass; but at the same time my company just gave me a company laptop anyway so it’ll be easy to start over.

What would you do if your house burned down? Stop taking this survey, obviously. Then I’d grab my phone and Kimi, since he’s here with me in my room.

What would you do if your best friend didn't want to be friends anymore? I’d be devastated and start thinking if I’m the problem.

What would you do if you had to move do a different state/province? Thank fuck. I’d be relieved to have the chance to start from scratch, and I’d be all for it.

What would you do if someone shaved your head? Be furious, especially if they did it while I was asleep or otherwise unaware.

What would you do if Jesus came to your front door? Think that it’s probably an act and ask them to leave.

What would you do if your house was robbed? Check if my parents, sister, and dogs are unharmed.

What would you do if your sister/brother got married? Puzzled because 1) they are both single, 2) we are still in a pandemic and why would either of them want to get married right now, and 3) they are 20 and 17.

What would you do if dogs became extinct? Idk, be upset.

What would you do if the last person you kissed proposed to you? I’d be conflicted and a mix of emotions. I’m not sure I would take it well now, even if that’s all I wanted in the end.

Have you ever...

Have you ever broke a body part? I’ve mildly sprained an ankle, but I’ve never broken a bone or had an organ severely malfunction.

Have you ever broke someone else's body part? I don’t think so. 

Have you ever changed for a guy/girl? I’ve adjusted a lot. Idk about change.

Tried to jump on a celebrity but been stopped by the security guards? Kind of? Greyson Chance walked into the mall right when I was exiting and my first instinct as a 14/15 year old was to grab my phone and start taking photos, even though I wasn’t even a fan and could not name any song of his and was just excited to see a Hollywood person in such a mundane circumstance lol. But it wasn’t the smartest move, obviously. I got to be a little too close just because we were crossing paths; I wasn’t trying to be near him, but that’s what his bodyguard interpreted so he asked me to back off.

Have you ever complained about the last person you spoke to? I don’t think there was ever anything to complain about Hans. We’ve always been on amazing terms and he’s one of the funniest people I know.

Have you ever cried on your mom's shoulder? As an infant.

Have you ever dialed 911 as a prank? No. I’m not a jerk.

Have you ever won a talent show? I don’t have anything to show off, so I never joined those.

Have you ever spilled a drink on a expensive electronic item and ruined it? Nah. As clumsy as I can be, I’m always careful with liquids and gadgets.

Have you ever fainted when someone told you shocking news? Nope. I’ve only fainted because I was extremely hungry.

Have you ever swooned over the Jonas Brothers? In 4th grade. I still like them, but I haven’t swooned over them in a while.

Have you ever bought a piece of makeup that cost over $100? No, I don’t buy makeup period.

Have you ever been cheated on by someone who claimed to love you? I haven’t.

Have you ever got food free because the waiter thought you were hot? No, and ew.

Do you...

Do you have someone who will always be there for you? Yeah, I’m lucky I have friends who remind me all the time.

Do you have a membership at a gym? No, was never interested.

Do you act dumb to get guys/girls to like you? No. Hasn’t this been debunked a million times?

Do you know anyone who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day? Possibly more, yes.

Do you follow the rules? As much as possible, yeah.

Do you have a friend who secretly really annoys you? Eh, kind of, but I don’t count her as a friend per se.

Do you always have Pepsi at your house? I don’t think my parents buy Pepsi whenever they get softdrinks. I’ve only ever seen Coca-Cola bottles.

Do you flirt with anything that moves? No.

Do you watch Sponge Bob? I watched it regularly as a kid; as an adult, I’ll watch the older episodes from time to time.

Do you count sheep when you can't sleep? No.

Do you sweat easily? Nah. I’ve been told I rarely look like I sweat, actually.

Do you like pineapple? Not at all.

Do you refuse to wear something that's out of style? If it’s something that’s recently gone out of style, like culottes, then yeah. But if you mean like 90s stuff like fanny packs and mom jeans, I believe those things are back in style all over again.

Do you type 'u' or 'you'? I type both, depending on what I feel like using and who I’m talking to.

What is...

What is your best friend's name? Angela. Maybe Gabie? But mainly Angela.

What is your first girlfriend/boyfriend's name? See second name above.

What is your neighbour's name? I have no clue what any of their names are other than the director who lives two houses away; his name is Mac.

What is your least favorite swear word? Faggot.

What is the best and most romantic way to propose to someone? I think it will always be different per couple, and if a given couple wants a romantic proposal in the first place.

What is something that always makes you laugh? The show Friends.

What is the name of your hometown? That’ll stay a secret.

What is the most gentle way to turn someone down? Idk...haven’t really had to do this before, and the one time I did wasn’t the nicest way.

What is the ugliest girl name? 1) Can’t think of any, and 2) that’s just mean.

What is the most boring thing to do? Technically, waiting. Especially if it’s for something mundane, like lining up for a government service.

What is the funnest kind of question to answer? On surveys? I appreciate random questions the most.

What is the most useless thing you know? I’ve read a lot of ‘useless’ trivia on Reddit that I’ll probably never have to use or bring up in this lifetime.

What is your favorite pair of pants? My mom jeans, which I always mention when asked this.

What is the best flavour of ice cream? I personally root for cookies and cream.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Starcrossed Losers III (Josh Wheeler xReader)

A/N: Sometimes I wonder like, maybe you guys don’t care about the plot and just wanna see some dorks fall in love? but I have to warn you, I’m planning on making this pretty much a slow burn, probably something I should’ve said since chapter one lmao anyway, please leave some feedback after you’re done reading! we appreciate it lots :)

Words: 1,900

Warnings: Swearing, hands going down ghoulie’s throats, descriptions of violent deaths and blood. 

Previous Chapter // Next chapter

I had spent the majority of that hour just walking in circles trying to find a solution to our current problem when Angelica came back telling us about the security Eli had put on the place. Not gonna lie, I was impressed. Suddenly, another of those horrible screams echoed to remind us that we’re not alone. And after Angelica mentioned how we could always kill whatever it was the source of the noise, Josh was very reluctant about it.

“We’re not killing anyone. This was the last place where Sam was seen. She’s the only kid I knew who loved the mall.”

“You didn’t know a lot of kids then,” I snort.

Josh stares at me in annoyance but continues his speech anyway.

“What if she’s this Witch?”

“You think she turned into a ghoulie?” Angelica scrunches up her nose.

“You said it yourself, we have no idea what’s going on. If there’s even a chance, I have to help Sam”

“Eye roll, you only like Sam ‘cause she may have touched your dick.”

I snort again, totally amused. Josh’s frown only grows deeper and I raise my hands in defeat.

“My bad. Gonna go and... I don’t know, get snacks or something.”

While I’m walking away I still manage to hear a few sentences of what Josh is saying.

“This is not about getting some handy from some rando. This is love.”

“Is he listening to himself?” I shake my head, “this guy’s crazy...”

Don’t misunderstand. I do believe in love. The thing that I don’t believe is Josh’s speech of true love and loyalty. How can I, when I know that he met Sam for only a few months before the nuke? Do I think it’s impossible to fall in love in such a short notice? Nah, I think it’s totally believable. The thing is... okay, don’t judge. But the thing is that we’re teenagers, right? I mean, hormones are wild right now, you can be crazy in love with someone and still look at Chris Hemsworth and wish he would crush your head with his thighs or... whatever it is that you dream, I definitely don’t think about that. I’m more of a Chris Evans lover.

So yeah, I’m sorry if I don’t fully think that Josh, a seventeen-year-old boy, would have zero attraction to anyone who doesn’t have Sam Dean’s face. We’re all human, for fuck’s sake. I dated a guy while still completely whipped for Alex. And Alex dated several people too. And he had a talent for that, believe me.

Listen to this: don’t fall in love at all. If you wanna feel loved, get tons of friends: mutuals on twitter, tumblr or fucking facebook for that matter. They’ll always tell you pretty things. Or hug your parents. Your siblings. Literally, do anything but fall in love. I know it sounds like this beautiful thing from heaven but love is far from being the solution. 

Crap. I’m sounding like a bitter asshole, aren’t I? I’m sorry. The apocalypse it’s taking a toll on me. Maybe I should take some time away from Glendale, go to a far land and never come back, maybe I should- HOLY FUCK THE WITCH IS HERE

I stand there, terrified of moving in a way that might warn her of my presence. I gather enough courage to walk away, little by little without turning my back to her so I can make sure she hasn’t noticed me. Unfortunately, it also means I can’t see Josh behind me, holding his skate like a shield with one hand, and a long stick with a chord at the end with the other. 

“Don’t freak,” He whispers, and I react the only way anyone would react if a voice talks to their ear when they’re alert: I scream.

The woman stands up and I quickly stand behind Josh’s body. Hey, he’s the one holding the shield! I have nothing. Luckily though, she doesn’t attack us and instead, she walks further into the store.

“Sam!” Josh calls her out.

“You don’t know if that’s Sam!” I hiss.

Josh doesn’t listen to me and keeps going, so I keep going as well. We lose her after a few seconds and turn around just to see her standing right in front of our faces.

“Fuck!” I jump so high that in a different context I’d have been embarrassed. But right now I’m just praying to any god ‘please, let me make it to next month’.

“Sam?” asks Josh, and I wanna reply with ‘Stop calling her Sam, can’t you see she’s got curly dark hair, you blind shit?!’

But someone else starts singing behind the witch and when she turns around I can see Angelica standing there and I’m both, thankful and pissed that even a twelve-year-old girl has a way to defend herself and I only got my skates. She cuts her hand and the witch immediately rushes over to attack, leaving us safe. Of course, now it was our turn to chase down the two so Angelica wouldn’t get eaten.

“Angelica!” Josh stops in front of a store and I hear him mumble, “dummy...”

I get there a moment after and I see the woman leaning over a small body. I gasp, covering my eyes and asking with a thin voice, “Is it bad? How much blood is there?”

“Dummy” I hear him say again, this time in a more flat voice.

“Hey, dummies!” And that’s definitely Angelica, and she’s definitely not where I thought she was, so I uncover my eyes and I get to see when she pulls down the metal curtain, trapping the witch inside the shop, “so, is that thing your girly-friend?” 

He steps closer, “Sam? it’s me. It’s Josh.”

I’m about to reply that there is no way in hell that’s Sam when she talks back.

“Josh,” Her voice is weak and dry, “Josh Wheeler?”

Josh softly laughs beside me, nodding at the girl, “Yeah, that’s right.”

“Josh Wheeler?” She stands up and walks towards the curtain, removing the hair from her face and smiles wildly at the boy. Yup, that’s definitely not Sam, “Present.”

“That’s not Sam! That’s not fucking Sam at all!”

Yeah I know, I called it.

The woman repeats his words and smashes the doll’s head against the curtain.

“Wait,” I raise my voice, suddenly recognizing her, “isn’t it...”

“Ms. Crumble?” Josh and I ask in unison.

Yes, she was. Holy shit. Angelica goes off about how this is an amazing discovery ‘cause Crumble is capable of saying more than two words. Then Crumble goes off on how much she hates the new world and decides to walk straight into one of the mannequins. After a while of watching Angelica make goggling eyes at our former teacher, Josh and I decide to move on.

“Look I gotta go.”

“Yeah, me too,” I say, crossing my arms, “I’m not wasting more of my time with any of you”

Angelica tries hard to convince us, but her speech does the opposite effect on me. She says that there’s a mind with functional thoughts in every ghoulie. That our parents aren’t totally gone, and I refuse to believe she’s right.

“Ghoulies aren’t good. And they certainly aren’t people, Angelica. Not anymore.”

I’m one to know, I learned that the hard way with pretty much my whole family. I went to my house after the nuke exploded and boom! My parents were suddenly trying to eat my face. I had to lock them in their room before going over to Grandma’s. And grandma had turned out to be fucking vicious as hell, even for a ghoulie. So I set her on fire along with my uncle, aunt, and her entire house. 

Anyway, I left Glendale to reunite with my sister Katie, more prepared than the last two tries. Part of me prayed for all the precautions to be unnecessary at the end, cause I was tired, and all I wanted was a goddamned break. I just wanted to see my sister. When I had to smash her head with that chair, it felt like I was the one agonizing. 

But I convinced myself it wasn’t Katie anymore. That thing was a monster and I had to get rid of it so my sister could rest. You can understand why then, hearing Angelica say those things kinda made me want to run away and never look back at any of their faces. 

“This isn’t gonna bring your parents back,” replies Josh, “I need to go and find Sam. Soon as I figure out how to get past Eli’s locked and booby-trapped doors.”

“I can get you out,” Says Ms. Crumble, “I have a key.”

She frantically searches through her stuff while talking to some dusty doll heads and I know, I know this has to be a bad dream. I’m not actually here, I probably fell asleep on the couch after eating too much. Crumble says she put the keys on a clapper and she (of course) starts clapping, dropping the doll heads on the process.

“I remember now. I ate the keys” Crumbles laments, “I needed the iron. Hold on.”

“I was wrong,” I whisper, “every time she opens her mouth I feel like I’m having a stroke”

Josh quietly chuckles beside me, and we share a look of complicity. Glad to see I’m not the only one who doesn’t have a clue of what is happening right now.

Crumble sits on the chair closest to her and in a matter of seconds opens her mouth impossibly wider than any mouth should be allowed to. Then she puts her hand inside.

“Shit, shit, shit...” I cling to Josh’s arm and hold it tight with both hands, “I’m in hell. This is the worst thing I have ever...”

“This is the best thing I have ever seen,” Angelica cuts my comment, “and I once saw a robot kill a monkey in a knife fight in Thailand.”

“I’m never sleeping again,” I can practically feel my soul leaving my body and fleeting to another continent. Crumble pulls out her hand and... it’s another fucking head. How many dolls has she beheaded?

Crumble lets us know that she can’t reach the keys and Angelica offers to help. She says no, then asks Josh to do it instead.

“Are you gonna eat my arm?” His voice is fearful, I can tell he really doesn’t wanna do it.

“I don’t know,” she says, laughing right after saying it.

“Josh?” Inquires Angelica.

I grab him by the shoulders so now he’s looking at me.

“No,” I say, “that’s crazy Josh, you can’t put your arm inside a Ghoulie’s throat!”

“Just a sec,” He looks at me with wide eyes, but takes a deep breath and shakes his head, not really answering to me, “okay.”

“Josh!” I insist, “please, we can find another way to get out, just don’t do it!”

“I have to,” Even if he doesn’t say it, I can complete the phrase with what I know for sure is going through his mind: For Sam.

Taglist.

@letsbloodmagic​

[carryonmywaywardwriters]

Love How You Hate Me - Sam x Reader

A/N: Work, work, work. And finally write. I SHOULD have time this coming weekend to post the next chapter, as well. So, the wait won’t be quite as long this time. If you want tagged, please send an ask or message so I am sure to see it. And, I hope you all enjoy <3

PSA: I am NOT a minor friendly blog. If you are below 18, please come back when you’re older. I don’t want to lose my blog because you were too eager to grow up. If I discover you, I WILL block.

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Sexual Tension. Porn descriptions. Pre-smut. Upcoming smut.

Word Count: Roughly 3,300

“Sam!” You shrieked. The high pitched rage echoed through the empty walls as you stormed forward. Out for blood.

You'd finally broke. It took three weeks. Three long weeks. But, he finally did it. Ripped away the self control you'd fought so hard to hold in place.

He'd put the snake in the toilet first. Using the ammo you'd unintentionally offered up on a silver platter. Although, Sam put his predecessors to shame. Ensuring not to injure the poor creature while torturing you. Seran-wrap held it away from the germ-filled bowl. A note warning the toilet was out of order left you to pick up the lid. Only to have the slithering beast come at you.

A large spider under your pillow. Crickets all over your room. Both came with notes to ensure their safety. But, didn't lessen the frustration.

Your favorite pair of shoes weren't safe. Nothing was sacred in the younger Winchester's eyes. He glued them to the floor. Leaving you with two possibilities. To fall. Or to go without until you could get them unstuck. You'd face planted.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash were filled with food coloring. You had purple tints to your skin even after scrubbing until the water turned to ice. Trying to focus on the fact that you were the better person got you nowhere.

And that wasn't the end to his tricks. He'd taken notes from the biggest trickster he'd- and the planet- had ever known. But, it was something ridiculously simple that made you lose that final shred of sanity.

He'd simply taken your favorite coffee creamer. Using the final bit himself. Then, he'd replaced it with water. The mildest trick in his little black note book.

Five minutes. That's all it took to level the playing field. A deep, roar of fury echoed down the hall. Without flinching, you leaned against the wall, arms crossed. Waiting next to the water main. It took mere seconds for him to locate you.

“Give me one- damn good- reason why I shouldn't strangle you.” He hissed out, stalking your way. Still dripping. Goosebumps raised along his flesh as he held his towel in place around his hips.

“You'd end up naked, and Dean would assume it was some kinky sex thing gone wrong. Then, you'd get all the blame.” You answered, letting your eyes skim over his soaked chest hair that trailed down to somewhere more promising. Your voice dropped even lower at the sight. “Breath play is making a come back, though...”

His skin was golden, taunt over the muscles. His anti-possession tattoo had recently been touched up, and stood out darkly across the wet flesh. His hair was slicked back, emphasizing that he'd run his hand through it from the frustration you caused.

The total package only served to raise your ire. He was stunning. The man even smelled amazing over the distance between you two.

“Not good enough,” Sam moved forward. Intent on murder after the briefest moment of thought. Too clear on what he planned for you to stand. “Dean's out.”

“You know what else wasn't good enough?” Came the question. All husky and filled with promise. Hazel eyes deepened at that. Nostrils flared. It was your turn to take a step his way. Stopping just as your shirt absorbed some of the water off of his body. “The water trick.”

Your hand came out and snatched the towel away from his waist. Bolting, you didn't wait for him to catch on. Using surprise to give yourself half a chance.

“Y/N!” His bellowing nearly shattered your ear drums.

You didn't turn back. The wet plod of his footsteps was too close. But, it wasn't good enough. You found your escape. A small zig zag bought you a single, crucial second. His hand missed the back of your shirt as you turned. Right into his room.

The door was slammed and locked before Sam could process what had happened. Breathing hard, you leaned against the wood. Laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation you'd found yourself in.

“When you get out, we're settling this!” He yelled out. His fists slamming into the wood; shaking your body in the process. You weren't completely sure what he intended by that comment, but surely it couldn't get worse than being chased by a naked, pissed off Sasquatch.

“Oh, what's this?” You asked loudly, seeing his open laptop resting on his covers. A rookie move if you'd ever seen one. “What's your password to your laptop?”

As you slid over to his bed, you made an ever better discovery. He hadn't locked it. “I swear to God, Y/N-”

“Oh god,” You wrinkled your nose. Realizing what was on the screen. A press of the mouse set the moaning off loud and hard. It didn't take long to find fault over the renewed slamming. “Dude, you need better porn! This chick's tits look like they're going to explode from all of the silicone!” You titled your head as you watched it switch perspectives. “Plus, the dude really needs to learn how to use his tongue better. I hope you weren't taking notes, Sammy!” You didn't get anything in response. Instead, the slamming ended. A heart attack was your logical response. Sure that even the healthiest of the healthy men couldn't handle the blood pressure you were certain he carried. “Sammy, Sammy.” You shook your head as the first moan left the too largely busted woman. She'd climbed over sir-can't-eat-a-woman-out's lap to begin riding him. “You naughty, naughty boy.” It was an impressive collection you'd discovered as you snooped. His folder held a number of suggestive names. The thumbnails were even more racy. Nothing compared to what you'd accidentally stumbled across when using Dean's laptop. However, still large enough to make you lift your brows. “Looks like I'm not the only sex deprived one...”

“That could have been fixed a long time ago.” The sudden proximity of his voice made you fly away from the porn in a hurry. Ready to flee for the second time. Sure your very life depended on it.

Only, there was a problem. Nearly six and a half foot of muscle blocked your exit. Slowly, you lowered yourself back to the bed. Keeping your eyes on him as you moved. Hoping the location would give you another chance to distract the beast.

A white t-shirt stuck to damp skin. Highlighting just how broad he was beneath the fabric. His hair  still dripped. The jeans clung to his legs. But, he didn't seem to care. Too set on his hunt.

“Oh, yes.” You huffed, leaning your head onto your one hand as you looked up at him. Making yourself appear comfortable, despite being eager to flee. “Let me just agree to sleep with the very man that has done his best to either ignore my presence, or just torture me. The entire time I’ve known him. That couldn't possibly end bad for me.” Your sass was going to be the death of you if his flushed cheeks and narrowed, darkened eyes were any indication.

“Y...You preach about how I...I don't know a thing about you...While you kn...know everything there is to know about me,” He leaned his hip against his desk. Attempting to settle down. Watching for any sign you were about to bolt. Almost immediately, his composure was back. “But, then you go and say something ridiculous like that.” Don't look at the biceps, you chanted internally as he crossed his arms. You definitely peeked before forcing your eyes away.

“You wouldn't take advantage of that?” You snorted, growing defensive. He simply gave you a small, toned down, bitch face. Not bothering to dignify the question with any other response. “Okay, fine. Say I believe you.” Your tone let him know that wasn't remotely close to being the case. “What would I get from it?”

“Fantastic sex-”

“Arguable.”

“No more pranks.”

“Now, we're getting somewhere.” The mocking tone only earned an eye roll.

“Alright, then... What would your terms be?” He raised a brow. Daring you to give him something to work with. Your response was simply a raised brow of your own. Not buying into his bullshit all the way. “Theoretically, of course.”

“Of course.” The amendment was shit, and you both knew it. Pursing your lips, you thought it over. With a sigh, you decided to give him a little something. “First off? No strings attached. No emotions. Ever.” A brief pause settled between you two before you continued, “Not that it's a problem with you.” A wry grin graced that sinful mouth of his. Pleased with the turn of events. You turned away from the dimples to zero in on the hypothetical rules. “Second? Privacy. Dean, Bane, and Alice? They wouldn't have a clue. Ever.” The horror at just the thought of them finding out how low you'd fallen curdled your stomach. It was the ultimate deal breaker. “Third? No sleeping together or cuddling. Sex only.” It was surprisingly easy to list once you got going. “Fourth, minor pranking is allowed. They'd know something was up if it just stopped.” He nodded at that point. Seeing the wisdom in it. “Fifth-”

“You...You've made a whole list, and you're going to try saying that you haven't really considered it?” Sam cut in with a heavy snort. “You're something else. I don't even think stubborn covers it, anymore.”

“No freaky stuff.” You continued as if he'd never spoken up. Focusing in on the list. If you stopped, he'd take advantage of it. And you weren't prepared for that. “No blood. No choking. Nothing going in areas where they don't belong.” Your fingers ticked off each point. It wasn't that you were opposed to everything you'd listed. Simply that you were opposed to it with Sam. There was no pre-established trust. No grounds for safety. You wouldn't risk it. “I couldn't possibly trust you to tie me up, either, so that's out.” At the sigh of disappointment, Sam's shoulders seemed to widen. Noting how close he was to his mark. “No marks in visible locations. Too much of a give away. Definitely no recording. There's always the trope of a leaked sex tape, and I just am not about to let anyone see me getting down and dirty with you.”

“D...down and dirty? You cut out all the dirt,” He grinned, letting out a soft breath that doubled as a chuckle. Almost soft in nature, when you knew him to be anything but. “You wanna tell me what we can do, then?”

“This is all theoretical.” You reminded him. Falling short at being stern. Unable to even muster up a glare.

Truth was, you were losing your damn mind when it came to Sam Winchester. And were far too close to giving into the danger. You both knew it, even if you were struggling to keep it at bay. Too distrustful.

“Of course.” He waved for you to get on with it. More confident at that point than he'd been before. “Go on.”

The sass was ignored as the list came back to focus, “Sixth, condoms are an absolute must. It breaks? I get the morning after pill. Immediately.”

“You aren't getting an argument from me there.” Sam's eyes were a rich honey as they watched you hungrily. Taking in the way you shifted on his bed. Next to his porn. And at his mercy.

“Seventh-”

“Y/N...” The impatience took hold. His chest rose and fell harshly at the peak of your breasts. So close...and yet, so untouchable.

“Yes, Samuel?” You mocked, not letting your eyes meet his directly. Instead, you zeroed in on the light curl his hair carried at the ends.

“Are you done? 'Cause I've got a few ideas...” Sam moved forward, then. Slapping his palms down on his mattress. Forcing you to stare into the multicolored facets right in front of your face.

“Where's Dean?” Sitting up, the power shifted. Giving you some control over the situation, again. You weren't beneath him. Under his spell.

“He won't be back until late tomorrow.” Oh so carefully, he stalked your way. Not willing to let you dodge him. Delaying the inevitable for a second time.

“What's he doing?” The question was another stall tactic, but the Winchester was prepared. As your back brushed against the wall, he blocked the exit beside the bed.

“I'm betting that he's doing what you're putting off...” Hot gaze trailing over you, Sam took a step forward. But, it was too late. The damage had been done.

“Oh, that is not helping your case.” Thinking of your best friend banging a stranger broke the spell completely. Sam blocked your path. However, he didn't block the bed itself. You hopped up and over the mattress. Making your way to freedom. “Go back to your crap porn.”

“I'd rather go down on you.” That caught your attention in a hurry. Your head whipped around. Only to see him cross his arms. Daring you to take what he'd so blatantly offered.

“Hate sex never ends well.” You warned. Feeling your resolve crumbling. The Winchester had won. “You think we're bad now...wait until this is done.” Your fingers moved to grab your shirt and whip it off. Jaw clenched in frustration. The war between mind and body lost for the moment.

“So,” Sam's voice made you jerk your head up. Waiting to see his offer. “We don't do it.”

“Wait, what?” You weren't following. You'd just given in. He should have been pouncing like a wild animal. Not retreating.

But, Sam did, “Guess it's just you and me...” He pulled the laptop back his way. Without looking at you, he simply uttered one last order. “You can go, now.”

“You are the world's biggest dick!” An indignant squeal left you as you slammed out of the room. So sure that you'd been played.

“Right now, I wish that was true...” The hunter sighed, pushing the device from his side. If he was? He would've taken you right then and there. Instead, he'd signed himself up for an indefinite length of celibacy.  

–

“I figured it out,” Your voice broke through the world of Harry Potter as you entered the room later that night. Without missing a beat, the strip tease began. The pajama shirt you'd donned was tossed away. Leaving you in a frilly, lace thong that hardly covered what lay beneath it.

“Yeah?” He focused on the book instead of you. Or, rather, pretended to be. All of his senses were latched onto you.

“You wanted me to do the work.” You huffed out theatrically as you moved to the edge of his bed. But, that wasn't good enough. Oh no. That was only the beginning. Crawling onto his bed, you moved his way. Not stopping until you'd completed your goal: Straddling him.

“Oh really?” His book was dropped off to the side. Good ole Harry fighting the good fight simply didn't compare to an almost completely naked woman settled over his dick.

“Well, you probably wanted me to beg.” You shrugged, moving your hands to rub along his chest. So confident that it was criminal. A totally different woman than he'd had in his grasp earlier. “But, that just won't happen.”

It was more than just that. He'd wanted you to make the move. To make sure he wasn't just manipulating you into it. Ensuring you wanted him as much as he wanted you.

Sam needed you to know that it was going to be entirely consensual. Something you hadn't quite realized you'd needed until that moment. And damn if it didn't make your heart squeeze just a little bit.

“Is that a challenge, Y/N?” He grinned, flashing those too big dimples your way. Simply pleased rather than his usual arrogance.

“If you think you can last...” You trailed off pointedly. Eyes meeting his directly. Making sure he knew that you hadn't forgotten that very first moment of pining.

Your finger lightly traced a pattern on his shirt- just over where his tattoo was etched. Two similar patterns had been needled into your own flesh. One on your hip, and one under your breast. The second hidden after a demon had thought to scrape away at the first.

“I...I...I know I can.” Came the breathy promise. Slightly nervy. He let his gun calloused hands rub along your bare thighs. Noting the way you arched into his touch that time rather than away.

“Glad you don’t doubt it.” Bending forward, you pressed your lips into his neck so gently it was criminal. The action letting your bare breasts brush against his t-shirt. Causing a shiver to travel through his body. “But, I'm going to need a little more convincing.” Your lips pressed against his throat again. Firmer this time. Sam's fingers dug into the meat of your legs. Grounding himself as best as he could to sanity.

“You're sure about this?” The question came through gritted teeth. Needing to hear you say the words. Not just imply it.

“Right now?” Again, your gaze came up to meet his. Letting him see the lingering doubts that hid behind the E/C. “This makes no sense...” A small moment of hesitation appeared. Leaving you almost vulnerable as you dipped your forehead to his. Still warring with the idea in that too full head of yours.

“Which is why it's so alluring.” Came his soft answer. Sam's hands left the skin of your legs to gently hold your cheeks. Tilting his head up, his nose brushed against the tip of your own. “Tell me you don't wanna, and this ends. Alright? But...if you do? It'll be alright. Promise...”

After a moment of silence, Sam finally got his answer, “Okay.” Nodding, you closed your eyes. Taking a second. Simply letting your breath mingle with his. When they opened? Sam knew you made your final choice. Slowly, your hands ran back over the thin material of his shirt. Biting your lip, you looked him over. Your hands reached back up to hold his face still. Giving yourself a moment to breathe before he could lunge. Back to the girl who'd walked in his door and knocked him off his feet. “I don't even know where to start with you, Winchester.”

“Y...yeah?” Another nod was all he got as you pondered over it. “Luckily for you?” Sam's husky voice captured your attention away from his thick chest. “I do.” With that, he tugged your body against his. Rolling you with a well practiced spin until you were pinned beneath him.

“You sure I won't suffocate down here?” Came the breathless whisper. Needing to have that final piece of confirmation that you'd be safe.

“Y/N...” The too large hand moved surprisingly gentle as it pushed a piece of hair away from your eye. Dimples in full swing. “Shut up.”

“Make me?” For once, Sam had no problems following your order...

Part Ten

Tag: @burningmusicmachine​ @missmarrinette​ @sherlockedtash88​ @rathersuspiciousbumblebee​ @sasbb23​ @nothinbuttrouble2​ @baby-bunker-pie​ @neii3n​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​ @malfoysqueen14

Forever: @dean-winchesters-bacon​ @supernaturalginger​

[sethnakht]

thoughts on aphra #25

spoilers beneath the cut.

[writing this with a bad headache and in prescription sunglasses (broke my glasses during the work-rush of the past few days). so this won’t be comprehensive or possibly even coherent.]

Thoughts in no particular order:

Tolvan literally sacrificing her mental integrity so Vader would think Aphra dead fit the dynamic of their relationship to a T - Tolvan had been doing precisely this all along. As Tolvan hates when things are “sloppy”, I could almost imagine the thought of wiping Aphra from her memory being a relief. Alas, she was dealing with Aphra. Aphra using the Bor to manipulate her memories such that her love for Aphra remained intact but the details of their parting turned bloody was so very Aphra - saving herself meant more than showing Tolvan some kindness, than giving her new memories she could live with. On the plus side, although Tolvan now thinks she murdered Aphra for breaking her heart, she was rescued by Sana. So she’s escaped interrogation and murder, escaped Vader - and renewed heartbreak in the form of Aphra. Better yet, Sana’s presence suggests she might recover her memories and be able to get a fresh start, since Sana also saw the Bor and knows how Aphra thinks, and since we know from Rogue One that memories can be returned through proper jostling. In that sense, things might finally be looking up for her.

Sana saved so many lives in this one issue alone - not just Tolvan, the Rebels on the planet as well. And of course she salvaged the Volt Cobra on the way. She’s amazing.

Lopset returning to put his proximity bomb in Triple-Zero and create the conditions for #26 had been set up several issues ago - those lines  about being an “electrician” and “multidisciplinary”, his strangely specific knowledge of murderous bio-fauna, the way he kept carrying Dek-Nil/the hub-droid around as though planning blackmail, the fact that he had worked for Cornelius Evazan and yet emerged without any sort of visible bodily transformation - and it was sort of a relief to learn that he’d simply been Evazan all along. Not only does this contextualize the cover of #28, it means an end to the name-dropping - it’s been hinted since the beginning of Remastered that we would eventually run into the man himself, now we finally have - and an end to Tam Posla (thanks, Trip). [EDIT: the solicits for #28 suggest that Posla survives, bleh!] As for his disguise, it was fittingly disgusting - reminiscent of the Bor. Presumably it also explains why "Lopset”’s eyes always changed color - a detail that had been bothering me, since other shape-shifters don’t do that. The reveal also helped reframe some of the details on Posla’s ship. If you go back and look at Posla on his ship in #22, you’ll see a severed arm in a jar on prominent display, an arm that could only have been sliced from Evazan’s partner-in-crime during their encounter with Obi-Wan on Tatooine. While the arm-in-a-jar certainly works an Easter Egg, evoking the depths of Posla’s obsession, the way it’s drawn also suggested greater importance. Now we know why it was featured - so that Evazan can take the arm with him when he jumps ship with his arm-less partner-in-crime. (That entire page in 22 is also full of clues about the Evazan twist.)

EDIT: looking back at #20 is also pretty illuminating:

Evazan had some nice thoughts on monstrosity, art, and science. More on that when feeling less like bricks have been thrown at the brain.

Vader’s role in this comic had been telegraphed from miles away: it was clear from the covers that he was going to destroy Beetee, from Tolvan’s summons that he would question her, and from the nature of the spores themselves that he would interact with them. The interaction with the spores was possibly for that reason a tad disappointing - in the end, they were little more than a way to keep him distracted so Sana could rescue Tolvan. After having seen the spores project images of beloved dead people from the minds of its potential victims, one might have expected a Padmé-shaped variation on that trick - but nope, the spores unwisely tried to kill him, only to be repelled by his suit as one might expect, then destroyed with the Dark Side and a bunch of his characteristic burns, as one might also expect. His final line, “You bore it [it = the darkness]”, is kind of savage if he meant “you bore me” in the sense of “you are boring and not worth my time”, but I was left wondering whether he instead meant “you bore the darkness” in the sense of “to suffer, endure” or “to create, bring forth”. I do think it’s interesting that he spoke of the “darkness” as of himself, that he spoke so impersonally.

Vader’s interaction with the spores was also interesting in another sense - it gave him room to claim that the spores represented mere biological “urge” whereas he by implication represented control, control of the Force (life) with his “will” - that’s free will discourse right there. And it contrasts notably with the very first panel of the comic, where Aphra tells Tolvan that Vader “won’t stop. You have to understand that. He won’t tire. He won’t forgive. He won’t forget. He doesn’t know how.” That “he doesn’t know” suggests compulsion, determinism, at very least a lack. One could unpack that in cool ways.

EDIT: Vader’s decision not to murder Tolvan but have her sent to the Executor for further interrogation has been beautifully analyzed by @glompcat - I very much like the reading that it represents the very opposite of mercy, the best form of torture at his disposal - possibly also a form of paranoia, a desire to make certain that only Tolvan was ever told, that Aphra has no other lovers out there he should be tracking

Another notable Vader moment: while he considers it “likely” that Tolvan is telling the truth, that Aphra is dead, he isn’t convinced (because he knows her too well? because he senses her?), and thus sends the jail back onto its collision course with the planet. “Let it fall”, he says, which is very meta for him. Aphra being knocked out / unconscious when the collision takes place, he seems convinced that she dies in that moment, telling his RA-7 droid (I think?) to mark her as deceased - I don’t know if that’s what they’re called, but it’s the same sort of droid sent to Lyra Erso in the DV Annual, warning her that the Death Star would create a terrible world for her daughter. 

Final minor detail: Vader wanted Tolvan sent to his “chambers” for interrogation, probably because she knows too much - still, I loved it as a character moment, because doesn’t it tell you everything about Vader that he would consider his personal rooms an appropriate location for an interrogation?

Triple-Zero and Aphra referred to as “lovebirds” may just reflect Evazan’s sick sense of humor - “you deserve each other” - but it also calls back to #19 in a striking way, where Trip tells Aphra that “love is murder”. The coming arc certainly seems to be shaping up into Evazan’s (lbr, Evazan is the stand-in for Spurrier) experiment to measure degrees of evil by twisting Lona’s mantra - “evil’s just a measure of how much your choices take away other people’s” - from something figurative, regulative, aimed towards guiding future actions to something literal, reductive, aimed at classifying the past. If Triple-Zero represents “programmed evil”, Aphra has yet to reveal whether her worst behavior is “intrinsic” (biological) or something she “picks up” (cultural). But Triple-Zero’s line about love confuses such neat categories, and I hope that what lies ahead is messy indeed.

[mshelenahandbag]

2017 - Year of the Laura Dern

Laura Dern is having the best year of her career, or anyone else’s for that matter. 

I could just end this article here, but you know I have to tell you WHY. Laura Dern has, for me, been constantly impressive with her acting prowess from a young age. My first memory is seeing her as Dr. Ellie Sattler in Jurassic Park, and even back then, little didn’t-know-I-was-gay-yet me loved the cool female paleontologist. (Looking back she also had THE best lines (“we can discuss sexism in survival situations when I get back!”), most famous of them all being during Goldblum’s “Man creates dinosaurs” soliloquy – “Dinosaurs EAT man….woman inherits the Earth.”) She’s always played interesting characters, but, for me, has never really had her breakthrough with mainstream television and film.

Until this year where Laura Dern has excelled in four projects and netted her first Emmy victory!

Sure, she’s had her accolades with David Lynch’s Blue Velvet and Wild At Heart and her notable appearance as the woman Ellen DeGeneres came out to on Ellen. But never anything truly concrete to make a large cross-section of people go “wow.” She’s always, at least to me, been good for niche groups.  Her last Golden Globe win was for the HBO series Enlightened where she played self-destructive executive Amy Jellicoe, and she got an Oscar nomination for 2015’s Wild as Reese Witherspoon’s mother.

Wild director Jean-Marc Vallee is one of the main reasons we’re buzzing about Laura Dern’s 2017 renaissance. He definitely saw something in Dern, and her chemistry with Witherspoon, because the two would reunite and butt heads in HBO’s Big Little Lies – exhibit A in her best year. While everyone was obsessed with the performances Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman and Shailene Woodley gave as the main trio of Madeline, Celeste and Jane (as they rightly should because the series is just that flawless), my focus was on Laura Dern embodying Renata Klein, queen of the helicopter moms in Monterey.

Dern’s Renata had me shouting EMMY long before others jumped on the bandwagon. There’s a scene in the second episode where the birthday party for Amabella, Renata’s daughter, is derailed by Madeline - out for blood when Renata didn’t invite Ziggy, Jane’s son. So Madeline comes back and gets plenty of comped tickets for Disney on Ice so everyone cancels on the birthday party. Renata hits the ceiling, calmly, telling her friend Harper (who bears the unfortunate duty of informing Renata) “Ok. Thank you.”

Harper tries to mediate with “Let us all get along-”

But Renata comes back with the AMAZING over the top…well…this.

“I SAID THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

Whether ad-libbed on the spot or script, this moment of hilarity, for me, from Renata made her one of the best characters this year on any show. Showing perfectly poised Renata lose it time and time again, especially when threatening her husband (“I will take my hands and put them around your throat!”) or Madeline (“I’ll even get Snow White to sit on your husband’s face. Maybe Dumbo can take a squat on yours”) was a highlight week after week. The entire series was worth of every Emmy it garnered and survived a potential shutout from FX’s Feud: Bette and Joan but if anything, Laura Dern was the only one out of those nominated that truly deserved to win.

From here, Laura Dern turned from psycho mom to plain old psycho in Netflix’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt as Wendy Hebert – who’s set to marry Kimmy’s old pastor. It’s a brief guest starring role, but Dern adds so much in those 20 minutes and delivers a fully-formed character. Wendy starts off so innocent, but the more we spend time with her and Kimmy (Ellie Kemper), the more we realize how unstable she is. Plus she helps Kimmy to confront some real traumas the reverend has inflicted on her, and she also delivers one of my favorite lines in the three seasons of the show as she confides in Titus (Tituss Burgess): “If we only see each other one hour a week, he’ll never realize what a useless piece of crap I am and he’ll love me forever, and that’s what I deserve!” In short, Dern’s portrayal of a woman with absolutely zero self-worth is hysterical.

And from here, Laura Dern’s year hits its zenith with Twin Peaks as she plays long-heard-about-but-never-seen Diane: Agent Dale Cooper’s secretary to whom he has dictated all of his many tapes. Laura Dern’s work with David Lynch has always been fantastic: whether in Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, Industrial Symphony No. 1, or Inland Empire – it’s clear that Lynch knows how to get the best results out of her craft. And that’s the reason why her work as Diane is probably a role we will be talking about for years to come.

We meet Diane Evans as a chain-smoking foul-mouthed goddess who was my favorite part of the mindfuck of this 18-part opus. I seriously loved every time Dern, in her platinum bob wig would take a drag off her cigarette and generally her conversations would consist of “Fuck you [insert name here].” She played so well off her director Lynch as FBI agent Gordon Cole and the late Miguel Ferrer as FBI agent Albert Rosenfeld. But one of my favorite moments came when newbie Tammy Preston (Chrysta Bell) tries to thank Diane for helping them, only to be met with this-

Diane: “What did you say your name was again?”

Tammy: “Tammy.”

Diane: “Fuck you, Tammy.”

I laughed way too hard at this, for way too long. Diane’s modus was basically this for a few episodes but about halfway through the series, her mood changed. We saw her visibly uncomfortable speaking with Mr. C, Cooper’s evil doppelganger BOB created. She revealed that Cooper (Mr. C) had come to see he years ago, but refused to elaborate. We later her she and Mr. C were in cahoots, via text. Was THAT why Diane was so crazy? Diane seemed to be cool when Gordon Cole offered her a slot on the infamous Blue Rose team – investigating supposed paranormal encounters.

“Let’s rock.” Diane said, her index and middle fingers down.

Here is where I said “Something’s up.” You could easily explain her wayward associations with Mr. C, but those two words were uttered by The Man From Another Place in the original series. It’s not just a nudge-wink happenstance, it’s a deliberate clue from Lynch that something is off with Diane. And that comes to fruition twice as the series comes to a close. In part 14, we learn that Dougie Jones’s fingerprints match Cooper’s, and Diane reveals that Janey-E, Dougie’s wife is Diane’s half-sister. No simple coincidence, again.

In part 16 when the actual Cooper emerges from a coma (long story….), Diane receives another text from Mr. C. She goes to meet with Cole, Albert and Tammy and finally reveals what happened the night Mr. C came to see her. He raped her – and it affected her. Dern’s face telling this story is so genuinely pained and she just nails this. Then Diane begins to act odd….really odd, even for this show. She convulses and says “I’m in the sheriff’s station. I’m in the sheriff’s station. I sent him those coordinates, because…I’m not me.” Diane eyes the gun in her purse, Albert’s on edge and Diane pulls hers out only to be shot by Albert and Tammy before being whisked away by some unseen force. Tammy remarks she’s seen a real tulpa (a manifestation) and we cut to the Red Room in the Black Lodge. Yep, Diane was “manufactured.” But what about her cryptic statement “I’m in the sheriff’s station”? Well as luck would have it, we wouldn’t have to wait long to find that out.

In the finale of the series, we learn that the eyeless Naido who helped Cooper out of the Lodge and who Andy rescued, was actually our Diane. A quick fight took care of Mr. C and once the genuine article Dale Cooper lays eyes on Naido, she becomes our Laura Dern again and they kiss.

Then it gets weird.

Cooper pulls a Back to the Future Part II seeing the events of Fire Walk With Me play out – only this time he stops Laura Palmer from being murdered. We cut to the Black Lodge and Cooper and Diane are both there. Then they’re driving on a highway for 430 miles, cross over an electrical grid and check into a motel to have sex.

This is Diane’s final scene of the series and I love how Dern hearkens back to what she told Cole and the FBI earlier about her rape. You still see the pain and confusion on Dern’s face, especially because we’re unsure if this is OUR Cooper, Mr. C or a hybrid of the two. It’s such a fitting end for her work on one of the best shows of 2017, and her exit opens a whole new mystery.

The next morning, Diane’s gone and a note from “Linda” to “Richard” is left for Cooper and leaves us wondering if in a world where Laura Palmer has been saved – has absolutely everything changed? Is Dale Cooper now Richard and is Diane Evans now Linda? (Way more to say on this for a Twin Peaks fan theory thesis later, especially with the role of Carrie Page.)

I didn’t even need to see Laura Dern in Star Wars Episode VIII-The Last Jedi in her role as Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo to know it will be amazing. I knew that from the casting, from her stills with the late Carrie Fisher (something I’m eagerly looking forward to) and the gorgeous Annie Leibowitz photos in Vanity Fair revealing that gorgeous lilac hair. But upon seeing Rian Johnson’s masterpiece that has become the crown jewel for me and many other (but not all) STAR WARS fans, I got to see Dern cap her banner year off in the most fabulous and wonderful style.

When General Leia Organa is unconscious from a First Order attack on the Resistance, command falls to Holdo. Dern and Oscar Isaac’s Poe Dameron immediately clash, and it’s breathtaking to watch. Holdo wants to load unarmed transports to try and escape to nearby Crait – home of an abandoned Resistance base – and Poe so strongly disagrees with her that he mutinies and relieves her of command (only for himself to be relieved by General Organa stunning him). Holdo remains on ship while the remaining Resistance flee to Crait, and as the First Order begins firing on transport ships. Holdo decides to make a stand and engage the ship to lightspeed, directly at the First Order’s ships. Hyperspace jumps only work when a ship is totally free and clear to maneuver. So if a ship’s in the way, it’s not gonna be pretty.

And it isn’t. Rian Johnson shows the devastation in a soundless scene that cements Holdo’s beautiful and poignant sacrifice. Dern’s time in the Star Wars universe may have been brief but Holdo is a character anyone should be proud to look up to: willing to step up when it matters and sacrifice everything for the needs of the many (…Wait that’s Star Trek…)

Laura Dern’s 2017 is something that won’t be duplicated any time soon, and it’s a career testament to one of Hollywood’s best actresses finally getting the recognition she has beyond deserved.

[empty-dream]

Me Watching Fate/Apocrypha ep 22

Remember that Naruto vs Pain best worst fight scene? Where everybody’s making crazy ass face and noodle-y stances? This is not on that scale, but it’s still this.

*Agrius!Atalanta bites Jeanne* Jeanne: “BAD KITTY! BAD KITTY!!”

Karna you’re too polite for your own good

WASN’T EXPECTING CAULES POPPING OUT HERE AND NOW BUT OKAY VERY WELCOME

But how does he come in here again? Did he just step down from his plane? Is that even possible?

Sieg: “Wait, you want to save your original master?” Caules: “Yeah they don’t have command spells anymore what’s the point?” Karna: “Because I want to. Is that weird?” Both: “Well, it’s saintly as fuck, for one thing.”

Seeing Caules negotiating is always intriguing thing for me.

CAULES TO THE RESCUE! And his unfastened collar :))

I have a question what is the exact mechanism of saving these former red masters??

Sieg: “If attacking Jeanne is your master’s order then why go after me instead?” Karna: “I have this promise with Siegfried to fight to the death and I will give up everything to do that.” Sieg: “Ooooooookay I don’t know whether to be awed or scared.”

I like the music it’s so full of pride.

And here we have another type-moon male protagonist swearing to protect the female protagonist who is stronger than him

Granted at this point Sieg is just loaded with tons of eleventh hour superpower and probably kinda more powerful than many other servants but the point kinda still stands?

Back at episode 22 of My Cat from Hell

It’s been almost 3 years and I still don’t understand why Agrius Metamorphosis has to morph into that kind of suit? Isn’t this like the prototype of Dangerous Beast?

Agrius!Atalanta evolution! Sexy-boar-beast-with-batsy-wings-and-dark-arrow-Agrius Atalanta.

Welp, people has always been like that – people. Past present and future, the nature of people hasn’t changed that much.

Jeanne: “The end never justifies the means!!!” Agrius!Atalanta: “Fuck that!!!”

Wow I like how this fight isn’t too dark and I can see what they’re doing and the viewpoint is good.

WOW she rips off her own wing o_o

I’m bracing for another luminosite eternelle but GREEN LIGHT SOARING THROUGH YESSS

IT’S MOTHERFUCKING ACHILLES HERE YOU ARE FINALLY

Achilles: “Go, Jeanne. It’s sis’ and my problem now.” Jeanne: “I fucking knew it something’s up with you two.”

I’m kinda bummed A-1 doesn’t make it explicit that Achilles really does regret not picking up the clues and just letting Atalanta goes out of control.

His face looks like a boy shyly apologizing for breaking a neighbor’s window.

Why is Semiramis so beautiful and dignified here??

Jeanne: “You seriously believe in Shirou’s humanity salvation plan?” Semiramis: “Yeah, he even told me I’d rule the world after the salvation” Jeanne: “You fucking liar. Nobody’s ruling nobody if it’s truly salvation and you just sound like a certain golden Babylonian asshole king.”

Jeanne: “So how does he plan to do it?” Semiramis: “Well, tbh, I dunno.” Jeanne: “Are you fucking kidding me”

Wow this is so vivid. Does A-1 use color play to balance the noodle figures?

How to fight nukes by Sieg!Fried: Slash the nukes apart.

I.. I do not have any words for this fight, it’s vivid and flashy and powerful.

Though I’m wondering will Mamaramis be mad that their children are destroying her fortress with nukes and lavas?

I like Karna’s armors

TASTE THE EYEBEAMS! -Karna

The eyebeams cuts Sieg!Fried’s beautiful wild long hair THAT’S CLOSE AND ALSO A CRIME

Karna can you stop praising your enemies every time you fight? My heart is going to explode

Oh shit oh shit he’s going to VASAVI SHAKTI

Karna: “What’s your name?” Sieg!Fried: “Sieg!” Karna: “Wonderful name” Me: It’s a bit uncreative but it’s made up of honor and gratitude and now that you’re saying it’s wonderful then wonderful it is.

I LOST MY SHIT WHEN I WATCHED KARNA GOING DIVA IT WAS MIDNIGHT

The look of approval between Sieg!Fried and Karna is a blessing in itself

Move, Clarent Blood Arthur vs Balmung, it’s time for the new best clash: Vasavi Shakti vs Balmung

It’s the third time he uses the command spell right? Cause I can hear Jeanne’s Sieg sense tingling with exasperation.

Sieg!Fried: “Even this is not enough-“ Astolfo: “A SHIELD DELIVERY EXPRESS COMING THROUGHHHHHHH!!!!”

Astolfo: “Are you seriously giving me your shield noble phantasm?? You’re crazy.” Achilles: “I don’t need it anymore and beside it’s my promise to sensei.” Astolfo: “Oh okay. You’re still crazy tho.”

Sometimes I wonder if at this point Achilles is ready to give everything even his life to stop Atalanta because that damn shield is too strong to be given away just like that.

Manly screaming Astolfo is something I never thought I’d need in my life

Ain’t no shield like using a world containing your life as one.

Astolfo: “Wow I didn’t expect using a shield would cause an entire trippy journey into Achilles’s entire life, isn’t this breach of privacy?” Achilles somewhere: “It’s called Achilles Cosmos what exactly did you expect from it?”

Wow wowowo the sudden creation Greek architecture buildings is just… wow. Even Karna is amazed.

The scene when Sieg!Fried and Karna race to grab Balmung is an extreme version of when two people race to grab the last pizza.

When in fight, do NOT only bring one sword! -Sieg!Fried

If this entire fight was not Sieg!Fried vs Karna but only Sieg using Siegfried’s power vs Karna, would there still be anyone who would watch this?

Karna: “Sorry for dragging you with my ego” Sieg: “No, sorry I win through Astolfo’s sudden help” Karna: “No, Astolfo’s your servant and your power. It’s still a fair fight.” Sieg: “Holy crap you are like the greatest person in this world”

I wanna bet at some point Sieg’s like ‘Why do all these heroes have enough time to talk about lots of things when they’re one and half foot into the grave?’

Karna: “Jeanne will be in danger if she finds Shakespeare.” Sieg: “Alright thanks for the info gotta go bye!” Karna: “That was fast.“

Remember when honor and chivalry in war is no good as it will only meet betrayal? No, Fate/Apocrypha isn’t about that.

Karna would die alone if he was a dick but no he wasn’t a dick and Astolfo gets that so he was willing to chat and honor him before Karna fades away.

Karna: “I believe I hardly did anything worthy of a Servant” Me: HOLY SHIT KARNA STAHP YOUR HUMILITY IS KILLING MEE

Goodbye, my kind, hero of charity.

AND HERE I THOUGHT I’D EAT MY SHOE BECAUSE THEY’D SHIFT ACHILLES VS ATALANTA TO THE NEXT EP BUT NOPE THANK GOD

Yes people, the ultimate reason why I keep up with Apocrypha is because I want to see Achilles vs Atalanta and the known result of it

I found almost nothing until today about the fight beside that one line in beastlair forum and an online translated side material and I live with only those for years SO YEAH JUDGE ME I DON’T CARE

Wow the music is so catchy

You know A-1, you can use those 3 seconds for other more important actions on scene instead of Atalanta’s panties.

On a different note, here we are seeing a rider who fights more like a lancer versus an archer who fights more like a berserker

Ow he stabs her. It hurts :(

OW her arrows come back and stabs him. It hurts too :((

Aw yis he’s cradling her, I imagined this for like 3 years and it actually is like this.

NO NONONONO NOT THIS SAD SOUNDTRACK

I’d pay for Atalanta and Achilles to have another 3 seconds to talk more.

Why is Atalanta the one crying? Pretty sure in the novel it’s Achilles who’s crying. It’s even explicitly states in the side material that it’s his very tears and heroic naivety that makes Atalanta feel a bit better in the end.

The English sub makes it sounds like she was fine falling into corruption whereas I’m kinda sure (even tho my Japanese skill is zero) she’d mean she was fine with him stopping her. Correct me if I’m wrong tho.

It kinda hurts that she disappears before he does like I imagined that they’d disappear together, I know there is the battle continuation excuse but.. He has to watch her die and isn’t that painful?

Not gonna lie. Regardless of how short their exchange is and the inaccuracy of who’s crying, I’m loving the detail of this scene. Like how he barely yet still holds her in his arms, how the blood drips on her, how he sighs a little and embraces her as soon as she wakes up as herself, how his head slightly moves as she leans closer, how she weakly caresses his cheek, leaving bloodstains, and he just closes his eyes, and how she finally disappears then he follows- Oh my it looks like I just wrote an entire fanfiction

Isn’t it funny that I ship them for fun since he hits on her which is from vol 1 and then somehow it ends up in tragedy?

Tfw you care too much of a side couple (that isn’t really a couple) way more than the actual main couple

And now all of you understand why those two are on the credit together and why it gives me feels right of the bat

Maybe Achilles’s last words were the ones he wanted to, or should have, say back at episode 19, before Atalanta fell into madness. If he did, would this not happen?

Oh shit I’m weak to when-the-ending-song-is-played-without-the-usual-credit

Holy shit I just read the actual english lyrics of the entire song and my god isn’t this too fitting for this episode??? I’m grossly sobbing.

Goodbye, my pure huntress and brave warrior.

I love when Karna’s spear completely disappears as the song ends.

As of this update, I have replayed Achilles vs Atalanta for 100 times

Semiramis: “I’m waiting for someone else, actually.” Jeanne: “Who?” Semiramis: “That damn brat who rams an airplane into my home” Jeanne: “PFFT.”

The suspicious bitch face look that Jeanne gives as she’s running to the other side of the throne room is what I’m living for

As far as Fate/Apocrypha goes, this episode is the best in terms of everything.

And my long-awaited Achilles vs Atalanta finally comes. A certain op gives a translation over that scene from the novel and as expected, it’s a thousand times more beautiful and sadder. Thank you op. I’m in peace right now.  

*Glancing harshly at DW* Yo, THE REST OF APOCRYPHA SERVANTS WHEN?? We have a ton of people to reunite

NEXT: Hang on kids we got a train to Orleans

[wozman23]

Roller Coasters and Car Wrecks: Both The Physical and The Emotional Kinds

I’ve recently taken a couple of trips to Six Flags, but those haven’t been the only roller coasters I’ve been on. And I’ve recently been part of or witnessed a few car wrecks. In every instance, these last few months have been absolutely absurd in the most beautifully nerve-racking of ways. For my own well being and sanity, I’ve needed to severely cut my time at Aldi for quite some time. Despite the fact that I’ll be losing about $1000 a month, I’ve now done that. I’m two weeks in to being a part timer. Yet I fear I pushed myself a bit too far for those eight months. The constant lack of sleep has seriously impaired me, yet I continued to push my limits despite countless signs. First off, many months ago, after a gym split shift that started at 5 AM and ended at I-don’t-even-remember-how-late PM, I backed into someone pulling out of a parking space in a Walmart parking lot. It was the most minor accident imaginable, but my insurance company didn’t give a damn. So when it came time to renew, they raised my rates, and I decided to stop carrying collision and comprehension on my 12 year old car. Then a few months back I destroyed two tires after falling asleep at the wheel. That was the most literal of wake up calls, and a $400 mistake. It was really the turning point that made me question how hard I was pushing myself. I’m still grateful that the situation wasn’t much worse. Then again, yesterday, while not paying enough attention while trying to maneuver my way out from a gas station and in to a turn lane through a few lanes of traffic stopped at a light, I took too narrow of a path when squeezing between vehicles and put a nasty scrape across my passenger side rear door and quarter panel when I brushed up against the bumper of a semi. On one hand I was pissed off! Why wasn’t I paying more attention?! It’s either something that’s gonna cost quite a chunk of change to fix, or it’s something that won’t be worth fixing and I’ll just have to stare at my mistake until it’s time for a new ride. On the other I was relieved that the semi driver didn’t care since the rigid metal bumper took pretty much zero damage, so all we did was shake hands and agree that we didn’t need to exchange insurance. So now my car, which looked alright when it moved to California, is in much worse shape these days. The right side alone has taken a rock to the windshield (hey, at least that one wasn’t my fault), some chipped paint on the rear bumper, and now a giant war wound. Like many cars on the road out here, it is beat up. I now joke that it’s my badge that I’m a true Angeleno. But, contrary to how it sounds, my life hasn’t completely been a series of car accidents. It’s had its ups as well. I’m fortunate that my gym job is a pleasure. I absolutely love it, my clients, and the vast majority of my coworkers. I couldn’t imagine a better, more fulfilling job. And just tonight I cemented a promotion by barely squeezing out the required amount of training sales dollars and supplement sales - largely in part thanks to my amazing clients and coworkers who pulled some favors for me to get close enough to those requirements, and me throwing a few hundred down on supplements knowing I will make my money back in the next three months.

But just as I lessened my role at Aldi, I’ve also lost some good clients. While my paychecks have been on the up-and-up, my overall net pay is in a state of flux right now. And if those sales numbers don’t maintain - which they’re trending not to - I take a demotion back to where I was after another three months. So I’m really uncertain on where that roller coaster is heading next. Couple that with the fact that I’m still clearly mentally and physically exhausted from both jobs and the continued effort of trying to make that relationship I was interested in work, I’ve been in a really weird headspace. That physical exhaustion also means that I’ve curtailed my workouts. I haven’t consistently run since my injury around six months ago, and my lifting has been the most inconsistent it’s been since I began this journey a few years ago. I don’t doubt that’s also influenced the uneasy feeling I’ve been having. Most days I’m still filled with chipper whimsy, but I’ve noticed my mood start to swing in less desirable directions. While it’s nowhere near as crippling as it once was, I’ve finally began to feel a normal, acceptable amount of anxiety about my future, which is to be expected from such chaos. I’m actually surprised it took this long. But that small level is actually nice to have again, because it lets me know I’ve crossed my limits. I wish it would have let me know months ago. Maybe then my car - which seems to be more and more representative of my battered psyche every day - wouldn’t have taken the brunt of the damage it has. Maybe this steam of consciousness would be more coherent, and maybe I’d have the energy to proof read it. Then the pinnacle! Tonight we were supposed to celebrate promotions at work by meeting for dinner. Reservations were made around a month ago, but it kept getting pushed back. Finally hitting my goals, I was invited hours before the event. So after putting in a full day at the gym striking out on getting that out of pocket cost of my supplements any lower- because I’m still not that great of a salesman - I picked up another $200 worth of amino acids, creatine, joint flex, and multivitamins, drove over to the place we were supposed to meet... and found out it had closed down a few weeks ago due to a fire. A backup plan hadn’t materialized yet, so being mentally and physically spent, I laughed it off and went home. And on the way home what should I find: a traffic jam. The cause: the same generation Corolla as mine with a crushed front end after rear ending someone on the 5 (see again I’m a true Angeleno because I don’t call the interstate I-5 anymore). I’ve had some pessimistic moments. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve been angry. I’ve been desperate. I’ve questioned whether or not moving here was the right choice. Yet, despite all of my turmoil and absurdity, there are constant reminders that things could always be worse. My place of employment didn’t burn down and while my car may be unsightly, it is still drive-able. Thanks to killing myself with two jobs, I’ve nearly replaced all the money in my savings that I blew through to get established. Overall, I remain predominately optimistic. My roller coaster has the potential to be heading up. I’ll be making around $4 more per hour when training clients, which equates to around $22/hr. I’m coaching an all-time high of 7 Gold’s Burn classes a week, which gets me $32/hr. I’m getting more full nights of sleep, which is the thing I need the most. I’ve got more free time. I’ll have most weekends off. I went for a run today with a client and her husband - the one who I resigned that put me literally $10 over my sales goal. (As a thank you I bought her some protein powder.) I’m hoping I can make those runs a semiweek(end)ly occurrence with a few clients/friends. I’ll have more time to catch up on video games, a month’s worth of Conan episodes that I haven’t watched, and a few other shows. And despite a few missed opportunities on previous invites, I might have finally talked Lisa into coming to Six Flags with me and our mutual friend on July 10th. And maybe we’ll hit the water park later next month. When I went to Six Flags last weekend, one roller coaster was shut down almost the entire day. But it reopened just before close. We hopped in line, got all the way to the front, literally waiting to be the next to hop on... And then a car got stuck on the climb... We waited while they tried to fix it,and watched as the next person-less test car got stuck again. Many people behind us left. But in the end we stayed, they got it up and running, and we got to ride arguable the best ride there.

That’s me: I push through shit, stubbornly. I’m determined. I’m always looking to move forward. When I want to hit a goal for a half marathon, I do so at the expense of my ligaments. When I hit a curb, I don’t put the car in reverse. I just run it over. When I start to hear my car door scraping against a semi, instead of stopping I just let it scrape the whole way. It’s not always the smartest decision - clearly. Had I stopped, fixing a single small blemish on the door would have been a relatively cheap repair. But in other, not-car-destroying related instances, it can be a benefit. Life is fucking weird, and that’s why it’s fun. It reminds me of a snippet from a song I fell in love with that I found not long ago, Incandenza by Waking Aida. I posted it before, but it bears repeating: “When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life" - Sarah Kay

That poem eviscerates my soul for so many reasons. It exemplifies the last few years of my life perfectly. It reduces me to tears - happy tears. I honestly have no clue where this roller coaster is headed, but I’m enjoying the ride, the people I’m riding it with, and all its ups and downs. If you’ve made it this far into this post, or even just cared enough to skip to the bottom, thank you for being in my life. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks for laughing with or at me. Thanks for inspiring me. I hope you see life through the same glasses I do. If I can give you but one thing, I hope it’s that childlike optimism.