#yourmoviesucks

[purplekirby]

My mom: telling me about a movie she just watched

Me, who hasn't seen it but has seen an hour+ youtube video essay on it:

[weaselbeaselpants]

The Eight Rings of Bad Internet Reviewer Hell

-Ring One: Listicle-Fever-

A source that’s better at cataloging content worth the viewer’s interest gets it into their head that they are a decent source of information and critical opinion. Bonus points: +the source is user generated and voted for without moderation, so it’s really no one’s actual opinion +article sites quote each other as a source

Examples: WatchMojo, Cracked.com, Listverse

Exceptions: PanPizza and CR

-Ring 2: Funnyman thinks he’s a Reviewer "oh god"-

While everyone's a critic, not everyone is a reviewer. This bad faith + bad take combo comes from a person who’s better at making observational jokes (riffs) at something, but then thinks said jokes are meaningful analysis simply because they occasionally point out actual problems in the material. Bonus points: +jokes are offensive and not funny +they’re actively ignoring the actual text to make jokes +deflects their own critics by calling everyone who doesn’t buy into their jokes “butthurt fans”

Examples: CinemaSins, Cracked.com, post Demo-Reel Doug Walker, ScreenJunkies

Exceptions: Rifftrax/MST3K, Retsupurae (rip), ABrandontoThePast, penguinz0 

-Ring 3: “Let’s go through the movie together :D”-

A standard retrospective-based review format; best used on contained 3-act structures. The reviewer obviously has the foresight of having watched something before they discuss it to the audience. At their best, these kinds of reviews are fun. At their worst, these videos are just validation farms designed to rip on something sillystupid. Bonus points: +performatively angry and over the top +reviewer takes the subject too seriously in a way that feels unpleasant or a chore to sit through as an audience +alternatively, they have the same trouble as the ‘Funnyman’ and holds no interest in what they’re talking about

Examples: Irate Gamer, MysteriousMr.Enter, ConfusedMathew, Doug Walker again

Exceptions: PeanutButterGamer, Jenny Nicholson, Phelous and Allison Pregler, Bad Princess Movie Podcast, Double Toasted, YourMovieSucks, ToddintheShadows

-Ring 4: Super-Fan-Fail-Theorist-

Bi-monthly theorizing about what a new plot development for a show is, or after-the-fact musing on a what ‘something’ nebulously ‘means’. Very often transforms into fan theorizing and analyzing media for conclusion’s sake. Prone to A LOT of bias of the fan reviewer’s absolutist-take. Obsessed with a product’s fringe and ultimately deeply invested in what is a shallow-insight. Bonus points: +reviewer won't parse the difference between their theory and the text +reviewer is defensive and won’t share the fandom with people who don’t share their take

Examples: Game Theory, Wisecrack

Exceptions: CinemaCartography, Jacob Geller, Sarah Zed and Lady Emily

-Ring 5: Wannabe Breadtube Retrospecterer-

Reviewer wants to be a researched, respected, ‘enlightened’ 2-hour vid maker but is really just an annoyed fan who’s lengthy reviews aren’t structured. Criticism might be valid, but is usually more about what the reviewer doesn't ‘like’ than what's actually wrong with something. Feels more like a lecture and a take-down than it is an enlightening hot take, at best. Also, it's your fault if you disagree with them and they live rent free in their critics heads- totally not the other way around! Bonus points: +incorrect, ludicrous, needless accusations tossed around at ppl they dislike +sounds like they're telling the audience how to feel, not why they feel think something is "awful and here’s why” +reviewer refuses to apologize or correct themselves if they get their facts wrong

Examples: Lily Orchard, Mysterious Mr. Enter again, half of the alt-light douchbags with hour long rants about Star Wars who ironically are all out to counter leftBreadtubers

Exceptions: Accented Cinema, Shaun, Folding Ideas, Xiran Jay Zhao, Princess Weekes, Lindsay Ellis, Lady Emily again, BenettetheSage's newest vids, Cheyenne Lin, and Sideways

-Ring 6: DNI-Danny -

Otherwise known as the “Anti". Jaded by years of abusive standom, they cling to good takes and criticism when it’s convenient for them but otherwise see fandom and critical analysis as a battlefield THEY MUST win. Very judgemental of people who don’t share their (sometimes exact) opinions; quick to gaslight/block/smear people just for association. Absolutist as a means of keeping oneself ‘safe’. Bonus points: +apologizing is NEVER AN OPTION +genuinely treats fandom takes as tho they’re comparable to politics and real morality +DNI list consists of MAPS, bigots, republicans and ppl who ship that toxic ship they don’t like +"no I didn't even watch the video, I don't have to!!" +"cancel culture doesn't exist"

Examples: Lily Orchard again and also prolly some tumblr user you know

-Ring 7: Choked on the Reddit-Pill-

Caught in a toxic dance of death with the DNI-Danny. May be the reason the former exists, but absolutely exists to counter the DNI-Danny at their bs by functioning more bs. So obsessed with being a counter argument and fighting for “actual social justice” (whatever that means) that they don’t recognize their own absolutism, centricism, or selfishness for what it is. Where the Anti counters with “think of the marginalized” the Reddit-Pill is obsessed with “well I’m not [worst case scenario] so why it is my problem that [worst case scenario] exists, HMMM???!” Bonus points if: +really love the term ‘moral guardians’ unironically +“fiction never reflects reality” +"cancel culture doesn't exist" +"some of us can tell the difference between fiction and reality"

Examples: Bad Webcomics Wiki, 4chan, half of the complacent "not me"-base that is KiwiFarms

-Ring 8: Actual Moral Guardians-

Not a jaded or concerned fan fighting for the rights of the marginalized, or for other people, at all. Not even a critic. Legit cult member working in ACTUAL bad faith. 100% unironically believes that liking (or even watching) something means you are being brainwashed/going to hell. Ostensibly has a skewed understanding of how media actually affects people (because they legit think it happens thru mind control and not emotional connections.

Never have good takes or good faith-basis of their own. They can only ever parrot criticisms from other people to fit their usually conservative-minded beliefs. Legit witchhunt. 

Examples: Jordan Peterson, The Satanic Panic, Ben Shapiro, QAnon, Breitbart

inb4: "DID YOU KNOW that the reviewer you rec actually did-"/"they don't like that other reviewer you rec"/"they won't fuck you stop promoing them"

>I'm not here to tell you the ppl I recommended in the links are saints, good people, or even the best reviewers with the one take to rule them all. I don't know them. I'm recommending them on the basis of how to see this kind of reviewing done right.

>I'm not these reviewer's moms. I don't know them. I'm pretty sure some of these people dislike some of these other people- I don't even watch every person I recommended here- but why or how is none of my business. I'm recommending ppl as a viewer.

>I'm aroace and a lot of these people are married or taken. I HOPE they won't fuck me, tbh.

If your favoritist reviewer-person ever is on the example list, barring the final rings, it's none of my business Jan. I still like ScreenJunkies tbh.

[minamotoz]

an unkindness - 10 years (2020)

[automatedstorytelling]

[scientistservant]

This is why I've been attracted to Kaa since I was four lmao

[srslyd]

"There's a good number of people who shroud their entire persona with irony and insincerity so they can disguise their very real mental illnesses as some sort of joke that they're always in on."

[dandylion-s]

I'm still thinking about this and I genuinely think a single scene from a Mira Nair film would kill this white man

this is just me ranting but movie reviewers on youtube, specifically the dudes who disguise their blatant favoritism for movies they think are making some sort of intellectual statement are the fucking dregs of society and in a perfect world a 26 year old man making a youtube film review channel would be enough evidence to throw them into a gulag. Yourmoviesucks adam i hope you're torn apart by wild dogs.

[starlit-mansion]

While i think that cinemasins itself is boring, shallow and self-congratulatory, i am also annoyed with the sentiment that nit-picky videos add nothing to the conversation. Did we forget about the cultural reset of sherlock is garbage? Half the video essays i like are something being ripped to shreds by someone who is theoretically the target audience of it. As jenny nicholson said: "When you love something unconditionally, you don't love it more. You love it sadder." Let some righteous bitchiness back into your heart.

[closetdbisexual]

hey thats the name of the movie! (cinemasins ding)

[txttletale]

hello! from your recent posts abt youtube i was wondering what stuff you like to watch. (:

i mostly don't enjoy Serious Political youtube videos -- the only video essayist i like from that sphere is shaun. despite the flaws i talked about dan olson's videos are also well-written and well-researched, the last three about web3/crypto/finance adjacent scam economies in particular are all really good.

i mostly watch youtube for comedy stuff and more media-oriented video essays about specific shows / films / games / etc. so in those genres i'm a fan of like... wizards with guns, aunty donna, funke, sarah z, jenny nicholson, all of yahtzee croshaw's shows, spice8rack, daniel thrasher, mikasacus, jan misali, jay exci, dathings, rosencreutz, todd in the shadows, yourmoviesucks, essenger, & redlettermedia. off the top of my head. tbh though most of my time on youtube dot com is spent watching snapcube & northernlion stream videos

[franki-lew-yo]

-Fantastic Videos about Animation and Animation History-

The Animation that Changed Cinema by Cinema Cartography.

A wonderful intro into the world of Chinese Animated films by Accented Cinema.

Li Speaks breakdown of the Horseland TV show.

Jenny Nicholson's well-deserved take down of The Land Before Time series of films.

Laura Crone's painful look at the original and then all TWELVE of The Swan Princess movies.

Walt Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs' crew party with Defunctland.

Phelous' entire playlist on the infamous Dingo Pictures films.

Yesterworld's very insightful history look at The Black Cauldron.

Rankin/Bass history with Quinton Reviews and Worthikids and Nutcracker Fantasy with BenettetheSage.

Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings with Folding Ideas.

Phelous' look at Ralph Bakshi's borrowing between Rocket Robin Hood and Spiderman and also that time Filmation tried to make sequels to Disney films.

Just Lady Emily talking about The Gorillaz history.

BrowsHeldHigh's look at Czech Stopmotion animators Jan Svankmajer with Little Otik and Jiri Trinki with A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Jaccob Geller's heartbreaking deep dive into Don Hertzfeldt's animation (through a single Simpsons gag).

Wonderful introspective videos on Death Note, Neon Genesis Evangelion and Barefoot Gen -cw: violence, child death, crime and sa throughout) with BenettetheSage.

In the aftermath of all....that, I recommend a happier detour into La 'Ron Readus' look at A Goofy Movie.

HBomberGuy's good look back at RWBY and Rooster Teeth.

-cw: discussion of self harm, altrightness, and sa- A sad look into Emily Youcis's infamous 'Alfred Alfer' animations and subsequent fall from grace (into racism).

The Kimba the White Lion vs The Lion King controversy with YourMovieSucks.

CynicalReviews' look at Foodfight, just to prep you for Rotten: Behind the Foodfight by Ok so...

[furryprovocateur]

i think one of my least favorite things that the internet has proliferated is the nitpick-y "no suspension of disbelief" type of critique of stories. no one wants to admit it but the plinkett review of star wars really was the catalyst that caused this to turn away from "annoying nerd shit that the simpsons made fun of" to monetizable yourmoviesucks type content that causes people to think it's genuinely a plot hole when a character doesn't state how they get their coffee in a sci-fi setting

[blachernaepalace]

the fact that yourmoviesucks is still going is so fucking funny tbh

[onetruechromosome]

So, my laptop crashes. I force close and now it decides to update when I turn it back on. I just wanna watch twilight with Yourmoviesucks commentary, OK?!

[anonymous-character-tournament]

Character 4

Characteristics:

Blue hair and pronouns

Has a sick third eye

Very snarky and sarcastic

Just trying to do their job but they get pulled into shenanigans

Has canonical nonbinary ace swag

Propaganda: i once saw someone hc that they sound like adam johnston from yourmoviesucks and i think thats really funny. Also theyre really fucking cool so pwetty pwease <33333