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isfjmel-phleg · 2 years

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Selections from the Correspondence of the Lockridge Family, I/XVII

Letter from Tamett Lockridge, companion to Prince Josiah of Lienne, to his family.

Königshaus Palace

Königsstadt, Lienne

21 February 1908

Dear Father, Mother, Emenor, Lovisa, Cille, and Zella,

I am well. I hope you are well too. Everyone else here is well and says hello. They really don’t but this is something you are supposed to say in letters.

Today I had breakfast. It was good except for having to eat it with His Royal Highness. Then HRH and I had morning lessons with Professor Ebner.[1] We did Divinity first, but I don’t remember much because I was mostly asleep.[2] Then we did Mathematics. Professor Specht[3] doesn’t like how I do multiplication. He wants me to do it like HRH, but his way doesn’t make sense even though he always has the right answer. Then we did Latin. The ancient Romans were interesting and did lots of exciting things, but I wish they had done it in Liennese and made it less confusing. I suggested to Professor Ebner that we do Latin practice by pretending to be gladiators outdoors, but he didn’t like that idea. Then we had lunch. Then we had more lessons, but they are also boring and I don’t want to write about them. After lessons HRH wanted to read, so I went for a walk in the park.[4] I am trying to see how far I can go before anyone notices. I think I was there for a few hours. Lord Protzmann[5] found me and said that I should know better than to disappear like that. So it was partly successful. It was too late to practice violin.

I had dinner with HRH and Mikaiah and Her Royal Highness Ateva. Her Royal Highness Ayra had to eat with the King.[6] She sneaked some of their caviare and brought it back for us to try.[7] It was strange. I wasn’t going to write tonight, but Lord Protzmann said I should.[8] So I am writing now.

When they pay me next week,[9] may I have a viertelmyunze[10] from it? I have had nothing for weeks whenever the shopkeepers come to visit.[11]

Yours sincerely

Tamett

P.S.: And please send my other handball from home. I lost the one I had.

P. P. S.: I asked Lord Protzmann about coming home at Easter[12] and he said he would talk to the king.

[1] Professor Ebner: Helmold Ebner, primary tutor to Prince Josiah, taught the traditional classical subjects. He was among the foremost scholars at the University of Wissenberg when he was engaged by Odren VII in 1902 to teach his son. The arrangement proved successful, with Ebner remaining with the Prince until the latter’s departure for Hollingham College in 1908. Ebner wrote to his brother in 1903, “While I admit that initially my expectations in teaching such a young pupil—a new experience indeed for me—were less than optimistic, I have found His Royal Highness to have the gravity and diligence of a young man thrice his age, and I would not exchange my young scholar for any graduate student at Wissenberg. He is a joy to teach and the pride of my academic career” (Collected Letters of Helmold Ebner, vol. 3, pp. 336-37). References to Tamett Lockridge appear surprisingly seldom among Ebner’s correspondence, with the most notable remark being his lament to a former colleague that “the Norriberrian child cannot understand simple concepts that His Royal Highness grasps immediately, while certain more difficult things that I take care to fully explain he claims to grasp from the start and yawns through the lesson” (Ibid. p. 429).

[2] mostly asleep: Multiple memoranda from Prince Josiah to his father complaining of his companion’s distracting tendency to snore during some lessons substantiate this remark.

[3] Professor Specht: Xaver Specht, mathematics tutor to Prince Josiah, was a professor at Wissenberg for only five years before winning the Höchste Award for Mathematical Achievement in 1902 for his monograph “Confronting the Monster Infinity.” He initially declined Odren’s request to teach the Prince, preferring to concentrate on research, but Odren’s promised compensation proved too profitable an opportunity to pass up. Specht was a notably private man but is known to have once claimed, “Most days, I need not teach His Royal Highness. He was born with mathematics written on his lips and heart” (Kalb, Xaver Specht: A Unique Mind, p. 284).

[4] the park: The park on the grounds of Königshaus Palace is famous for its great extent, nearly twenty miles at its widest point. Its attractions include the royal herd of deer, the Buchenwald (Beech Forest), and the magnificent statue of Odren (I) the Great, erected in 1858 by Odren VI to commemorate the four hundredth anniversary of Lienne’s conquest of Norriber.

[5] Lord Protzmann: Lord Protzmann, the head of the household of the royal children of Lienne, was appointed to that rank in 1885 and would continue in that role until his dismissal in 1910 after an embezzlement scandal. His duties included overseeing the daily affairs of the royal children’s domestic staff, managing accounts, and supervising such employees as the companion Tamett Lockridge and the princesses’ lady’s-maid, Sarra Gilsbrecht. Correspondence and diaries of the royal children indicate that they typically referred to Protzmann behind his back as Protz; it is likely that Tamett did also, but in a letter to his family which Protzmann could have easily intercepted, he is employing caution.

[6] Ayra had to eat with the King: By December 1902, after the death of Queen Nyella, Princess Ayra was expected to attend meals with her father in place of a consort whenever female guests were present. Lady Erna Rademacher, who often dined with the royal family, commented in later life that the princess was “so studiously courteous that to interact with her resembled a lesson in etiquette. She was always correct but lacked the spontaneous warmth more natural to her sister” (Forty-Seven Years at the Liennese Court, pp. 251-52).

[7] some of their caviare […] for us to try: The royal children’s household accounts indicate that the princes and princesses typically dined quite lavishly, in a style resembling that of their parents and the rest of the court. Even so, such dishes as caviar would have been off-limits.

[8] Lord Protzmann said I should: Lord Protzmann regularly corresponded with Edvin and Elina Lockridge about their son’s welfare and behavior and also kept track of the boy’s communication with his family.

[9] they pay me next week: Tamett Lockridge was paid 100 myunzen per mensem (worth approximately $5,300 today), the bulk of which went to his parents, although the rest was put in savings for his future, with a small allowance for him.

[10] viertelmyunze: The myunze (plural: myunzen) is the chief unit of Liennese currency, worth approximately $53 dollars in 1908. A viertelmyunze was worth a quarter of a myunze ($13.25), while a halbemyunze was worth half ($26.50).

[11] the shopkeepers come to visit: Since it was not considered proper or feasible for the royal family to attend shops, certain prestigious merchants in Königsstadt were permitted by appointment to bring a selection of their wares and their catalog to the palace for the royal family to examine and purchase at will.

[12] coming home at Easter: Tamett’s last documented visit to his family had been at Christmas 1907.

#The Blackberry Bushes #Selections from the Correspondence of the Lockridge Family #The Blackberry Bushes short stories #my writing #Tamett Lockridge #Edvin Lockridge #Elina Lockridge #Emenor Lockridge #Lovisa Lockridge #Cille Lockridge #Zella Lockridge #Josiah Callon #Ateva Callon #Mikaiah Callon #Ayra Callon #Odren Callon

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spocks-evil-godmother · 2 years

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just some tuvok thoughts

tuvok is my favorite voyager character (sorry seven) and i think he is just great, and specifically i think he is great in how he relates to other people. to maybe give voice to the thing i am thinking of, it is that tuvok is interesting because he is the third iteration of a chief of security and the second vulcan to have a like really central role.

to the latter point, this is very obviously because leonard nimoy as spock was just SO iconic and so defining for TOS that i think it was very fair for TNG especially to avoid adding a vulcan and risk a sense of "redoing" the character (because everyone would hate that) and together with DS9 creating a distinct and fleshed-out universe that didn't necessarily revolve around the same exact themes of TOS. as sequels, not reboots, they could wander into their own territory and make their own way, which meant not looking at vulcans as a very central part of the stories. i get why they waited until VOY.

when it comes to the chief of security part, that is interesting then because finally, we return to vulcans, who have not been people on the main cast since TOS, placed in this bridge officer role that did not exist on TOS. tasha yar was the first COS, then worf, and then odo. in the case of all three characters, i feel like there is something fairly unVulcan about all of them. yar sought out security as a resolution to a chaotic childhood filled with violence; safety is a profoundly emotional experience for her. worf's central arc generally relates to becoming an honorable warrior—though interpersonally worf can be standoffish or brusque, when there is a cultural expectation for emotional display in battle, worf always rises to the occasion. odo, like worf, can be brusque (perhaps even harsh, or cold). i feel like there's something to be said about how perhaps ideally we would read these characters as being fairly unemotional—but then, when I think about how much they display anger (not necessarily inappropriately! just that they are often angry or annoyed) I think that isn't true at all. in fact, between all those characters, i feel like they together make the case that to be a good chief of security (or warrior, or defender of justice) you must be angry, because your anger makes you both powerful and attuned to the needs of those you love, when they need you. worf and odo love BIG.

enter tuvok, who does not experience love (or love, as we might feel it).

though equally impersonal and detached as the others, in some regards, tuvok has none of the big love or big anger that his forerunners have held. he is vulcan, and the last vulcan we've seen on a bridge has shown how well-suited vulcans are to be dispassionate scientists, just the facts please and thank you. what would motivate a logical, unemotional being to become a defender?

and like on a practical level, i don't know. backstory is whatever. but i think if i am asking myself, what does logic bring to the role of protector?, then my answer is evaluation.

obviously i am just ranting and raving about tuvok because i watched the season 2 episode "innocence" today BUT this episode really does encapsulate what i love in him and i think what the writers wanted us to love in him as well. certainly, there is a lot of humor in mr. very serious being confronted with three children who just want to play play play!!! but there is a lot of seriousness there, too. it's very serious that tuvok runs into frightened children and says, i will stay with you and watch over you. it is serious that they tell him there is a monster in the darkness and they are afraid of it, and he says, my sensors do not detect the presence of a monster, but the absence of readings does not confirm the absence of a monster; i will stay with you and watch over you. and it is serious still that when a little girl who is afraid of dying alone asks him to save her, he assures her that he cannot interrupt her natural life cycle but understands that she will only feel safe enough to leave if he is with her; i will stay with you and watch over you.

in no moment is tuvok himself taken over by his emotions. he calmly evaluates every situation. he listens to the children. he soothes them. and, as strange as it seems, he entertains their fears. he admits that he cannot confirm the nonexistence of a monster, but if there is a monster it is not nearby so it's okay to sleep and if it comes nearby he will be awake to chase it away. i think what is the most stunning thing about tuvok is that he is sympathetic to but completely unafraid of the children's emotions. are they like kinda annoying him, sure. but he accepts their emotions as they are—he does not feel pressured by their fear to change his own behavior. and his ability to evaluate it all, the situation, the children, the future, is the thing that creates the sense of safety that ultimately allows the children to die peacefully.

this episode's probably most iconic moment (or maybe i just think about it all the time idk) is when a child asks him if being vulcan means he doesn't love his own children, and tuvok replies, "My attachment to my children cannot be described as an emotion. They are part of my identity, and I am incomplete without them."

we could make a whole post about that, if we wanted, but i gotta go to bed. instead, i would just posit that the same is true for the identity tuvok has built for himself as a chief of security and a defender. his motives in protecting others are not because of an emotion. he is not angry, or sad, or scared, or upset. but it is logical to maintain the safety of a community to maintain to order of a community—and through experience and effort he has learned how to evaluate whether or not something is safe.

and, i think, if you are a little child, and you think, maybe there is a monster going to eat me, and possibly this is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you, the kindest thing a grown-up can do is say "i don't see any monsters, but i am prepared in the event that they show up. i will stay with you and watch over you. good night."

#tuvok #star trek #star trek: voyager #voy #mitch pitch #long post #star trek: voyager “innocence”#innocence

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psychelis-new · 2 years

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Hey Lys, I'd like to give my two cents on what you said to fs/celeb crush anon because I have THOUGHTS on the way I see a lot of people treat the whole fs concept.

Sometimes it feels like people think about their FS kind of like an arranged marriage: the universe you put this random person in your life and you'll have no choice but to marry them because destiny has chosen it for you. And like, things are not like that at all. Your FS is your FS because you chose them.

You have agency in your life and your FS is simply someone future you thought would be nice to spend their lifes with. If I say that one year from now you'll have waffles for dinner it isn't because destiny will take away all the food in your pantry and waffles will be your only option, but simply because a year from now future you will be like "well I'm kinda craving waffles today" fir whatever reason and choose to eat it.

And, like you said, if it's someone you chose to be with it's because you like their traits, and if you like their traits it's only natural that you'll like other people that seem to have those same traits.

Sorry for ranting in your ask box, I just really feel like we should shift the way we treat this topic.

Agree with you generally BUT let me specify a few things too. I as well say that we're always in charge of our life and destiny, and it can change anytime, anyday, exactly cause we grow according on what we experience, the people we meet, the things we do and learn step by step. But so does everyone around us (not even rocks stay the same all the time, e.g. rain erodes them).

The "destined person/fs" is an energy that may resonate with you at the time of the reading, and it has traits that you are trying to attract in your life at that moment, be it cause of a lesson or as a treat (or traits that you find attractive in that moment of your life). Psychologically speaking, it's not uncommon for us to fall for people that also have traits we find attractive cause of our own hidden traumas (even when we're not aware of them): celebs crushes are the best example for people who have insecurities and abandonment issues, js. Ofc, it doesn't have to be so for everyone: as mentioned in the other ask and by you up here, it's also a matter of recognizing what we like in a person (maybe also confronting our tastes with those of other fans).

Anyway. As I also said, it is not impossible to have a (past life?) connection with someone, or to have a soulmate (not a random person). And okay, you don't have to end up marrying them (cause of free choice being always a chance as you mentioned, cause we're in charge of our life, and cause we cannot predict every single detail that will happen in the future), but it's a soul that somehow, you are supposed to end up meeting. At least at a certain moment of your life (reading time-wise: again, your choices may even change that; but i believe there's a soul for each one of us that we need to meet no matter what. Not sure abt the reason, so don't come at me telling me it's FS. It could be, but it could just be a lesson). This (not the lesson) is what I am talking about when channeling FS readings and when I speak about your "destined person": someone that, as everyone else in this life, experiences things, grows, and who is not supposed to have a fixed energy through their whole life (exactly as you change, and changes what you like or not, they do too. And this change in them may even correspond with you changing your likes and learning lessons through your life, and viceversa. It may not be for everyone, okay, but it could be. And ofc a lot has to say timing in this change and meeting: we may find the right person but something may be off, and it could even be for a reason too - e.g. the lesson above).

Now, this said, people these days are feeling lonely and lost, and because of this, they need to believe that they will meet this person, that they're destined to them and nobody else. That this person is just for them: it may be a toxic view caused by traumas (we have no idea how minds work sometimes), but is it that wrong to believe in this dream of having someone just for them? As long as it helps them feel good and stay hopeful, I don't see anything bad in it. Also cause it could really be the case, as stated above: I am not sure of anything when it comes to 5d, I only believe in fate, and I cannot know everyone's fate. If something has to be, it will be. If someone has a contract with another soul and they won't decide to break it (for any reason)... there's nothing I can say. I'm with you when you say many on here are taking this FS topic a bit too far and treat it as an obsession, but let's also consider the external factors of life nowadays (and also that many minors are here: darlings I'm not saying you're naive or anything bad, quite the opposite). Life is tough, we all have different problems, we heal and sometimes crawl through life, and we need to believe that something good is ahead, we need to believe that it's waiting for us, especially love (of any type: we're humans, we historically live to have relationships). As long as people learn to dream about their person and still balance this dream with living their present life the best they can, taking courage to go out and about and be present, and creating themselves occasions to get in touch with actual people and learn from these real relationships (also about themselves not just others), let's let them. We'll all likely find the FS of our dreams (or almost) this way.

#.#there's always more than a point of view to look at things and we never know which is right until we experience it oursleves #and its gonna be right for us anyway #not necessarily for others too #in short: what if you think you choose them but it's all cause actually you “had” to? :)#cause of all you went through and what you made of yourself #well never know ig

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serenailith · 2 years

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yesterday’s gone (we’ll make it through)—iv

on ao3 here

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Hob wakes to an empty flat, a pounding head, and a mouth that tastes like something’s died in it. He eases himself into a sitting position and scrubs a hand over his face. The world spins as he sways. He really should not have had that last drink.

Or the one before it.

Or any of them, his sleep-addled brain murmurs in a fit of coherency. He remembers—with a bit of a struggle—stumbling up the stairs from the pub around three this morning. Starting to drink was a lot easier to recall than the subsequent hours.

He’d entered the pub in a fog, mind tangled around the events of the day. He had spent nearly ten hours in an uncomfortable chair staring at a being he’s only ever seen once a century. Hob had wondered if Dream’s hospitalisation meant he was human, or if he was still the enigmatic entity he’d always been. Just biding his time until—what? What could Dream possibly be waiting for?

He’d waited for Hob. In that hospital bed, alone but for the nurses, Dream had waited for Hob to show up.

Hob knows, better than he knows himself, that he will always show up. He proved it when he ignored his scheduled lectures to spend the day by Dream’s side. That’s what friends are for, right? Right, he thinks with a snort that sends his head reeling. Friends.

He’s spent the better part of six centuries wanting answers about the Stranger. Now Hob has a name but little else. Hard to call that a friendship.

“I am called Dream, to friends.”

That’s what Dream had said. “To friends.” Friends. That has to mean something.

Hob sighs and flops backwards again, wishing he had another drink.

Deciding finally that it’s far too early to have such deep discussions with himself over the validity of friendships with no names given, Hob rolls out of bed and stumbles to the bathroom in the hallway. Using the toilet and scrubbing his teeth make him feel slightly more human, though his head continues pounding. Nothing some over-the-counter painkillers can’t fix, he knows this from experience.

It’s been a long time since Hob drank as much as he had last night. And for what? What had driven him to drown himself in ale and whisky?

His Stranger. His Friend. Dream. A Dream no longer so haughty and prideful. There had been something in his eyes, deeper than the surface, that screamed of loss, agony and confusion. Loneliness.

“I think you’re lonely.”

“You dare. . .”

“No, look, I’m not saying—”

“You dare suggest one such as I might need your companionship.”

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

“Then I shall take my leave of you and prove you wrong.”

Hob groans at the memory. It’s been over a hundred years, and he will never forget the disdain on Dream’s face, the ice and rage in his voice. If Hob concentrates, he can almost feel the cold rain pouring down, slipping along his skin as he watches Dream stalk away into the night. Hob’s heart still aches at what transpired that night.

Just because Dream’s called on him now, Hob knows it does little to confront the way they left things in 1889.

He’s just finished washing his breakfast dishes when his phone rings. The nurse’s voice is too bright, chipper, as she tells Hob that ‘Murphy’ won’t be released today. Hob wonders if she’s allowed to tell him this—isn’t patient confidentiality a thing? But she doesn’t seem bothered by it, only explains that it will be a few more days before ‘Mister Murphy’ is well enough to be sent home. Hob thanks her for the news and frowns when she ends the call without another word.

As much as he wants to see Dream again—if only to prove their friendship is real no matter what Dream may think—Hob knows he can’t miss another day of lectures. So he sighs, sends a silent apology through the universe to Dream’s ears, and heads to his bedroom to dress for the day. He can always spend tomorrow at Dream’s bedside; there are no classes scheduled, and he’s nearly caught up on marking papers.

His body is willing to pace around the lecture hall as he speaks. His brain, however, is firmly in that hospital room, focused on pale skin beneath wild black hair, grey-blue eyes that hold evidence of pain. Hob can count on one hand the times he’s seen Dream less than perfectly composed, and this is the worst of the two.

Hob tapes a sign to his office door then locks it. Once he’s flipped the switch, the room is doused in as much darkness as possible in the middle of the day, and he drops to sit on the sofa against the wall. After setting an alarm on his phone, Hob lets himself fall sideways, tucks his legs up on the cushions, and closes his eyes.

Rising up before him is the remains of what was clearly a palace at one point in time. Crumbling stone, desolate landscape. Smoke rolls across the ground, low and undulating, and deadened trees are scattered across the lands. Roiling grey clouds ooze across the sky above, threatening a storm. Dry dirt spreads as far as the eye can see.

Hob has never seen this place before, not even in his dreams. And that must be what this is. A dream. He’s back in his office, sleeping on the uncomfortable leather sofa. Not here.

So why does it feel so real? Why can Hob smell the desolation in the air? He can almost taste the decay as he stares around. A trail of cold slithers its way down his spine, and he takes a step closer to the palace. Further past the towering gate.

Each careful step carries him nearer to the detritus. Much like seeing Dream, the sight is worse up close. He shudders in the chill emanating from the ruins, the silence ringing out. A low rumble, thunder then forked lightning, and Hob reaches out a hand. A voice in his head tells him to stop, but he pushes through.

His fingers have barely brushed against the massive door when he sees the shadow. His brows furrow, and he stares at the figure just beyond the entrance. Wire-rimmed glasses glint in the low lighting. Something moves further behind the figure. Before he can say anything, a sharp pain lances through his gut.

Hob bolts upright, panting heavily. A thin sheen of sweat lies cold on his skin, and he shivers though the heating is on. Something had been beyond that door, he knows it. Whether it is benevolent or otherwise, he isn’t as sure. Even now that he’s awake, he can almost feel the heavy gaze still on him.

He swallows thickly and covers his face with his hands.

It’s not the first time he’s dreamed something other than nightmares or memories in over a hundred years, but it certainly has left the most chilling mark on Hob.

Thankfully, it’s almost easy to push the dream from his mind and focus on teaching. To pretend he doesn’t still feel the icy finger of fear and unknown running along his veins. Light glints off gold, and Hob’s head jerks around to catch sight of it. It’s nothing more than midday sunlight streaming through the window, landing on a student’s wedding band.

The longer he speaks, the less nervous he is. The less afraid, because Hob has lived too long to not recognise the stench of fear. He relaxes in his role as professor, until the final lecture ends. Then he gathers up his papers and books while his pupils do the same. They file out, leaving him behind, and he falls into the chair behind his desk as soon as the door closes.

“Get control of yourself,” he mutters, scrubbing a hand over his eyes. It was a dream. He’s had worse. Hell, he’s had worse reality. A dream should have no effect on him, not like this.

“Is everything okay, Professor?”

“Hmm?” He looks up to see one of his best students in the doorway. “Yeah, Jacqueline, I’m fine. Can I help you?”

“I just. . . I was walking by and saw you. You seem upset.”

Hob straightens his spine and forces a smile. “Oh. No, not upset. Well, not at anyone other than myself. I seem to have forgotten my glasses today, so I’m starting to get a bit of a headache.”

There. A simple yet believable lie. She cocks her head, the ends of her braids clacking together, then nods slowly. With a gentle smile, she wishes him a good evening then slips back into the corridors once more. Hob sighs and grabs up his bag. He’s spent long enough here.

He spends the entire trek home debating whether to visit Dream. After all, it’s what friends do, and Dream must be incredibly discombobulated, given his current situation—alone, hurting. . .

Hob has just made the decision to stop in at the hospital when he checks the time. Visiting hours ended twenty minutes ago. So he points his feet toward home and ignores the voice in his head telling him he’s making a mistake.

After a rather unsatisfying dinner of stir-fry, Hob changes into a pair of grey sweats and a ratty T-shirt that’s seen better days before settling in on the couch. He puts on some music—Etta James, again—and begins reading through the essays he’d assigned.

He has just crawled into bed and closed his eyes when his phone rings on the bedside table. Hob hesitates—it’s nearly midnight. It’s far too late for a conversation. But then again, it’s nearly midnight. The only reason someone would phone this late at night is—

Dream.

He scrambles for the phone, knocking it to the floor in his attempts to grab it. His fumbling hand pushes it further beneath the bed, and he curses loudly as he manages to grab hold of the device. His greeting comes out breathless, anxious, his heart thundering in his chest. He swallows thickly, though his mouth has gone dry, as he waits for a response.

“The doctors are keeping me here.”

Hob blows out a breath, clasping a hand to his forehead. “Y-yeah, they told me this morning. How are you doing, Dream?”

“I am stuck here alone. How do you think I am doing, Hob Gadling?”

“Okay, bad question,” Hob concedes with a chuckle. “I, uh, I’m sorry I didn’t get to come see you today. I had classes that I couldn’t skip.”

“Classes?”

And is that genuine intrigue in Dream’s voice? Hob hopes so. Instead of questioning it, he tells Dream how he’d become a professor this time around. It’s one of the more satisfying careers he’s ever had, right up there with the printing press. Dream doesn’t interrupt, but Hob can still hear his inhales, his soft exhales.

Finally, Hob has to know: “Why are you still awake?”

“I am sorry for disturbing your sleep” comes down the line, Dream’s once-imperious voice too small and timid. Hob can’t stand it.

“It’s okay,” he says, though his words are interrupted by a yawn. “Really. I don’t mind. Do. . . Would you like to hear a story?”

There’s the sound of a quiet scoff, and Hob prepares for a rejection. Instead, he gets a quiet “I would rather enjoy that.” So he cards his fingers through his hair and tries to figure out which story would be best. Something from his own life? No, those are best told face-to-face. He wants to see Dream’s expressions when he hears of all that Hob has done since 1889.

It hits him, then. He knows what story he should tell.

Hob clears his throat and begins: “Lorsque j’avais six an j’ai vu, une fois, une magnifique image, dans un livre sur la Forêt Vierge qui s’appelait ‘Histoires Vécues’. Ça représentait un serpent boa qui avalait un fauve. Voilà la copie du dessin.”

There’s nothing but the sound of breathing on the other end, but Hob doesn’t let it discourage him. He only settles further against his pillows and continues reciting the story. He could probably have gone with the English version, but he’s always thought French was a prettier language. English is, after all, little more than a massacre of various languages and dialects.

He tells Dream the story until he can hear the tell-tale sounds of someone in sleep. Smiling to himself, Hob listens to the even cadence of breath for a long moment. He finally exhales slowly.

“Sweet dreams, my Friend.”

why yes, that IS hob gadling reading "le petit prince" to a can't-sleep-and-lonely!dream

#the sandman #hob gadling #dream of the endless #dream of the endless x hob gadling #my writing #yesterday's gone

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maddicsldthoughts · 5 months

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Week 12 - Development of Faith and Spirituality

I had many thoughts this week while reading the Mayhew, Rockenbach, and Dahl article because it covered a lot of ground and made me reflect on my own upbringing and college experience.

The first thought I had was about the observation that “students who had more interfaith experiences in high school were more likely to develop their self-authored commitments than students with fewer of these pre-college experiences.” I immediately thought of people I know who were raised in the church, went to religious private schools for their K-12 education, and then went to Baylor, a Baptist school, for college. I went to public high school and I do not recall hearing about other peoples’ religious practices much aside from Christianity, so I imagine that in a private, religious, K-12 school, there are few to no students who share openly about their religion if it differs from that of the school. I wonder if these students will ever have interfaith experiences since they would be surrounded by the ideals of the schools for years on end. Perhaps during a mission trip, but then we must discuss the ethicality of those. I am specifically thinking of people I know who grew up in religious schools, attended a religious college, and then returned to their hometown or nearby. What opportunities for faith development are there when all you know is the same? And then how can you be sure enough to commit to your faith when you don’t know anything else?

That said, my ex-boyfriend (evil) went to a Baptist high school (against his will) and then attended a Methodist university (Methodist is used loosely here) and is now a devout atheist. But, he will not hear anything about others’ religious ideals and is committed to disrespectfully squashing even the belief in afterlife, so while he was able to make a commitment, he obviously has trouble accepting others’ beliefs.

Another thought I had was about the observation that “provocative encounters with worldview diversity … stand as pivotal moments in self-authored worldview development.” Reading this made me glad that I left Texas. Living in New York, I feel like I am experiencing so many things that are foreign to me, whether it is the magnitude of diversity or something as random as professors cussing in class (which was jarring to me at first and I was shocked that no one else felt the same– even some of my Texas friends). I feel like I really have had to reckon with some ideals I’ve held forever and confront some biases that I’ve had because of the people I’ve met here. I share some thoughts with my friends and they’ll tell me “that’s very Texas,” and some of those thoughts I stand by, but others, I didn’t realize I could think otherwise. I feel like in this transition to New York and graduate school, I have made more meaningful commitments to my worldview than maybe ever in my life.

I also noticed that the observation that “where campus racial climates are more hostile, students of color often become more aware of and committed to their racial identities as they navigate the negative environments of which they are a part” is similar to the experiences that LGBTQ+ individuals face. I believe that some of our readings and discussions that I’ve had with friends mentioned that LGBTQ+ people often have to develop faster because they have to learn what it means to defend their identity to others. It is so sad that people with minoritized identities find themselves in these situations because of the shortcomings of straight white people. I am glad that these issues are really being reckoned with in society lately and that people are becoming more accepting so that hopefully in the future, students with minoritized identities won’t be forced to grow up faster. I am so curious as to what the culture of higher education will look like in the next 5-10 years.

Also, I enjoyed the “Beyond the MA” presentation today. I told Dr. Spencer in our advising meeting that I would be interested in helping out/dipping a toe into research but he wasn’t sure if there were any opportunities for that. I know you mentioned you may have some during the presentation, so I would love to help out with that!

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beforeyoufall-bk · 2 years

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I Don’t Believe In Mistakes

Are they even real?

What is a mistake? Are they even real?

I’m old enough to have experienced many things good, bad, and ugly. I’m also old enough to have heard from many others both younger and older, that they wouldn’t change a thing.

Of course, that is typically only said after enough time has passed or when looking at some specific event. If asked whether you honestly would change ANYTHING in your life, the majority of us might say something like: “Well, I guess I’d change this, that, and definitely THAT.”

But in the grand scheme of things, we eventually realize that how we react to our perceived failures and mistakes is much more important than the actual mistake itself. In fact, most events we feel are mistakes in that moment, end up being a very necessary step we needed to take for any hopes of growth or improvement.

#1 Take a Step Back and a Deep Breath

I challenge anyone who has the time to read a blogpost on the internet like this one, to slow down, take a deep breath, and think of what you still have in this present moment… Take a step back and try to see the forest for the trees. No matter how bad it may seem, at the very least, you still have your breath and consciousness if you can read or hear this.

Once you feel you are more in touch with this present moment, try to remember the mistakes you made last year on this day and the year before that. The odds are that most of you cannot remember those days. If there are any actions you made on this date through time, then all it really means it that those actions are actually a big part of what makes you who you are today. No more or less than that.

#2 Growing Pains

Even if we do not limit our past experiences to this specific date, we all will have one thing in common from the mistakes in our past: We were able to have grown from it and have moved past it, or are in the process of moving past it.

How do I know this is true for everyone? Because whenever you feel like something in your life may have been a mistake, and it was a big enough of a mistake to remember it, then if you are faced with a similar obstacle or choice in the future, you will take another path. That path may not be the “correct” path for you in the end, but it will without a doubt be slightly different than the one you chose before. And odds are, it will be at least 1% better than the path you chose the first time you were confronted with that similar issue.

I myself, and sadly my wife as well, can kick ourselves silly and cry until we are red, blue, then purple in the face over how painful it was to spend 12 years trying various infertility treatments, spending over $100,000 in savings on it, living at home to save and throw more money at a problem that science never figured out a way to solve, and in the end left us bankrupt and quite depressed.

But if those things never happened, I would not be here writing this right now. I would not have published a book. I would not have moved to Japan and would have never found any peace in a life I did not believe existed.

I still am not fully at peace and doubt I ever will be. I still get angry. I still get depressed.

But… I think I’m slowly, and surely, acquiring wisdom and working for a better life. Maybe 1% each year. Okay, maybe 1% each 5 years… but it's there!

#3 How Cliche

We all hear the same motivational ideas over and over again. But keep in mind that phrases that are repeated, are often repeated for a good reason: Most of them hold universal truths that stand the test of time. We don’t hear ideas like “Drink your own urine!” Unless you watch the movie Dodgeball at least once a day. And even when we do hear those ideas, the majority of us would either reject them, shudder in disgust, or laugh at the audacity. I hope so, anyway…

But the motivational messages of “Don’t give up!” “Keep working to get better!” “Learn from your mistakes!” “Just do it!” are there whenever you want them.

To add another to the pile, here’s another cliché idea that I believe is true: The only time you ever truly make a mistake is when you do not improve or learn from the event that you feel is a mistake or failure. So, never be scared to make any mistakes or failures unless you are certain that improvements or learning is an actual impossibility.

Conclusion: Our Path Is Our Own, for Good or for Worse

We can’t fully control any outcomes nor take charge of everything in our life. So, we may never get the results we plan and work towards each day. But there is one truth for all of us: the path we walk is one of our own making. We are all in charge of which paths we forge and continue to take in our life.

So, to whoever may be reading this, I just want to tell you: You got this.

It may take longer than you thought. It may be more excruciatingly painful than you ever imagined. It may not be exactly what you were hoping for. But you will choose your path that keeps you going forward. And if you do not give up, you WILL take one step closer to the life you are aiming for.

---

またね

I hope these thoughts are helpful. Thank you so much for reading. I Agape-Love you all.

Until next time, God bless.

This post is based off of my 5 Minutes of Failure video series

#beforeyoufall #bkjohnsen #bk #blog #writing community #writing is hard #writerslife #writing #blogger #Spotify #mistakes #making mistakes #don't believe the hype

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the-joy-of-knowledge · 2 years

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Writing Therapy

This is will be a guide for you to overcome anxieties, be more courageous, and optimistic. Writing is one of the beautiful ways to express our emotions and have a conversation with ourselves.

Write it down

Take a blank sheet of paper and write down how you feel now. This is not an essay, you should not be concerned about the words. Your thoughts should flow and all you need to do is write out out as it comes out. This can happen at any moment, don’t set a time or a schedule for it.

Weekly letters

Write a letter to yourself every week. I do this and it helps me a lot. Every week I reflect on the previous week and my expectations for the next week. I write my highlights and my low moments and it is such a beautiful emotion to capture. After a while, you will open these letters and reflect on how things changed or lessons you’ve learned.

Confront your inner child/ past

Use writing to confront your inner child. You will have to write like a kindergarten. Don’t overthink it, don’t make it perfect, add some drawings. Sometimes I draw a trash can and write everything habit I needs to get rid off in it. Try to recollect memories of things you were once bad at or good at. Writing isn’t just about following prompts sometimes you’d have to write about something related to you, that only you have experienced. For example:

I remember when I first got my braces, I looked awkward, it’s amazing how much my looks have changed…

I remember when I was 10 and this golden retriever chased me…

My mom didn’t let me go to sleep overs when I was 8, I wonder what it would have felt like…

I first experience bulling in 8th grade, Jessica was really a mean girl, I wonder if bullies eventually change…

I used to be the most popular girl in high school, but in college I feel so overlooked. It’s crazy how things change.

I don’t like how I look in pictures now, I don’t know if it’s just my eyes,

I used to like baking, why did I stop, when did I stop?…

I was mean to the pizza guy, I feel so bad, it was wrong timing, is it possible for the universe to send apologizes on our behalves?…

Be in the present

Being in the present means acknowledging your feelings, processing your emotions as they occur, expressing yourself, being your own cheer leader, and support system.

What was the highlight of my day?

What would I have changed?

What did I procrastinate on?

What am I looking forward to?

What am I grateful for?

Am I better than I was yesterday?

What did I learn today?

Why was I sad/happy?

An optimistic approach

Writing in an optimistic tone will keep you motivated. It will give you the hope you need. You are looking forward to an event, a proposal, an opportunity, or a moment. Optimism gives you enthusiasm to chase your dreams. Examples of writing with optimism includes.

I am looking forward to a great week because…

I can’t wait for Christmas, there’s just so much to celebrate…

I see myself being a successful women even though I’m not sure of my passion…

In the next five years, I want to travel to every state in America.

It only gets better…

Oh, I can’t wait for fall and all the peace it brings…

I’ll be 24 soon, there’s so much to reflect on…

Confronting the elephant in the room

This will be the difficult part of the writing because you will have to be honest with yourself, it’s tough love here, and you’ll have to hold yourself accountable. Here are prompts that can help:

Are you sure you want to accomplish your goals?

Why do you want a change in your life, if you are not willing to improve?

When was the last time to made a to-do list and followed through?

Have you read a book since the last month?

What is your excuse for not doing your self-care routine?

Do you trust yourself?

What have you started but you’re yet to complete?

I’d love to start a writing therapy class, it will be so interesting :)

With love,

Black Pearl

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finelinevogue · 3 years

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you come home drunk and both your siblings Harry and Gemma are home watching a movie

Ur mom Anne is asleep and you snuckrf out to a party and got drunk maybe, and you come and when Harry is like “YN? What r u doing?” And the first thing u say is “I’m not drunk” and just start rambling stuff

sibling!harry isn’t talked about often enough so here we go;

(this turned sad pretty quickly fyi….)

You were flat out drunk.

Pissed. Wankered. Plastered. Hammered. The whole combination of all of them together.

If someone were to ask you to spell your name you would reply with a bunch of letters that didn’t even exist in yours and you knew this because it had just happened.

“You’re so drunk.” Your best friend Hannah giggled, but their was a tone of concern behind her voice. She knew that you were a lightweight, but didn’t keep tabs on you the whole night to keep track of how many drinks you’d had. Turns out, too late, too many.

“No, i’m Y/N dummy!” Your words slurred as you stumbled over on the grass outside of the party you’d just been at.

It had been your good friends Will’s birthday party and it was all very exciting because it was the first big house party for people your age - in your school. Will’s house was massive, too, and it was the talk of the town. Unfortunately your stupid, annoying, over-protective older brother had told you no when you’d asked him if you could go. You’d gone to your mum first, the lovely Anne, and she’d said maybe, but once Harry had twisted his way into her head to describe everything the party wouldn’t be she’d said no.

Luckily for you, your bedroom window was right next to a huge tree - one that you could easily climb onto, up and down. So that’s what you’d done.

As soon as you’d arrived at Will’s you had a drink in your hand. Then another, and another and so on until the point you were at now - wasted. You had originally drunk so much out of spite of Harry, but you ended up trying to the point where you honestly didn’t even notice you were drinking alcohol.

“Y/N get up, c’mon. I need to get you home.” Hannah sighed, looking around to see if anyone was around to help.

“Noooo! Harry will be there and he’ll shout at me.”

“Why? Harry’s nothing but lovely.” Hannah had a not-so-secret secret crush on your brother - as did the whole of your town. And the country. And the world. It was hard living in the shadow of Harry Styles, but you did love him just not when he sucked the fun from the universe.

“That’s what everyone thinks.” You rolled your eyes and kept them shut, just wanting to go to sleep now and the grass seemed comfortable enough.

“You should be so lucky Y/N.” Hannah argued back.

“Sure doesn’t feel like it sometimes.”

“You’re so ungrateful, do you know that?” Hannah scoffed, clearly pissed off with your whining antics, “You know what? You can walk yourself home.”

And with that you were left to the front grass, confused as to what you’d done wrong to make her so pissed off so quickly. You thought you were just sharing feelings and having a heart-to-heart, but clearly Hannah found offence to your words. No doubt she was pissed off at you for being a bitch about Harry, but that’s just the way it was. He was your brother. Your famous older brother who adorned the hearts of billions. Sometimes that’s all you ever feel like - ‘the sister of Harry Styles’ - to the point where you just wanted freedom and release. Sure, this was not the healthiest way for release but it did make you forget who you were just for the day. You often felt misunderstood and it was times like this when you could feel a little better.

“Fuck.” You sighed, knowing you’d just pissed off someone else in your life. Now, you’d have to get yourself home and confront your even more pissed off brother, sister and potentially mother. That’s if they were even up. Or if they cared enough.

You’d always felt left behind.

It was no doubt unintentional, but you felt like you were the least cared about in the family. Harry was the golden angel and could do no wrong and Gemma was just a responsible queen, according to mum. You, well… You were the “irresponsible and reckless” one of the bunch according to most media outlets and even your family. Maybe it was true? You never saw yourself as those things, but you could see how the sneaking out and drinking - and at a young age - could be seen as.

You picked yourself up off the floor, stumbling as your head started spinning fast. You felt sick, tired and cold and you hadn’t noticed your nose runny and eyes teary until now. You tugged the sleeves of your long t-shirt down, silently wishing you’d brought a jacket, and pulled your phone out of your pocket.

No charge. Great.

The walk home didn’t take too long, but completely wasted did not make it easy. You bumped into people and got cat-called by hideous and vile men. You felt unsafe, but you kept yourself together and attempted to get home as quickly as possible.

“Fucking pull yourself together.” You talked to yourself as you stood at the bottom of the tree, climbing it the best you could with a cloudy mind. The branches scratched your arms and your legs felt so fatigued, but you were honestly too exhausted to care anymore.

As you clambered through your window the last thing you expected was to see Harry laying on your bed.

“What the fuck!” You screamed from shock at him being there, stumbling over your own legs and falling onto the floor. Harry sat up immediately.

“What do you mean what the fuck? Y/N? What the fuck?” He threw the question back in your face, throwing his arms up in despair.

“Oh please, save your judgement Harry. I don’t need it today.” You gathered yourself from the floor and walked into your en suite bathroom, after switching on the light.

“Where were you huh?” He didn’t cut his questions.

“Out.” You mumbled, throwing cold water over your red and puffy face. Your hands were freezing and your head pounding, so the last thing you needed was Harry yelling at you at how much of a disappointment you were.

“Are you drunk?” He walked into the bathroom, clearly not understanding the meaning of personal space. “Are yo- are you crying?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Tears started welling up in your eyes again.

“What doesn’t matter? Being drunk, you crying, getting home late, sneaking out?”

“None of it!” You snapped, looking at him with so much sadness. “None of it matters. I- I don’t matter.” You sank down on the cold tiled floor, resting your back against the wall opposite the bath. The tears fell and stung you eyes. You embraced your legs with your arms after pulling your knees up to your chest.

Your whole body language screamed to Harry that you were not okay and he was upset for you.

“Y/N..” Your name came out soft and fragile from Harry’s mouth.

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.” Harry sunk down against the wall next to you, not touching you but close enough for you to know he was there for you. He let you cry until you decided you were alone enough to let him comfort you. You brought your head up and let it rest on Harry’s shoulder, to which he responded by putting his head on top of yours.

“I’m just really tired Harry.” You whimpered, using your long sleeve to wipe your nose dry.

“Of what Y/N/N?”

“Being a nobody.”

“You’re not a nobo—”

“Harry I am—”

“No you’re not.” Harry ended the argument quickly, before continuing. “You’re not a nobody Y/N. You’re my sister and bestest friend in the whole world. I care and worry for you more than anyone. I love you more than anyone, just don’t tell Gem or mum that! I’ve never thought of you as anything but my favourite person and someone I can rely on for my happiness, and I apologise if i’ve taken that for granted recently.”

“It’s okay, thank you.”

“You’re my most important person and i’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way, but trust me, Y/N, when I say that drinking away your problems, and even rebelling, is not the way to make things better. It always makes it worse.” Harry spoke from personal experience.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I am too.” Harry sighed, kissing the side of your head. “Just worry about you too much to see that sometimes i’m holding you back.”

“I like that you worry about me, it makes me feel important.”

“That’s because you are. Most important person in my life.”

#harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles fanfic #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fanfiction #finelinevogue #finelinevogue harry styles #harry blurb #harry oneshot #harry styles concept #harry styles sister #gemma styles #harry styles sister concept #ask finelinevogue #ask harry styles #kissmyaxe140 #harry styles angst #harry styles x sister!reader

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blackstarising · 3 years

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coming back to this post i made again to elaborate - especially as the ted lasso fandom is discussing sam/rebecca and fandom racism in general. there are takes that are important to make that i had failed to previously, but there's also a growing amount of takes that i have to, As A Black Person™, respectfully disagree with.

tl;dr for the essay below sam being infantilized and the sam/rebecca relationship are not the same issue and discussing the former one doesn't mean excusing the latter. and we've reached the glen of the Dark Forest where we sit down and talk about fandom racism.

i should have elaborated this in my last post about sam/rebecca, but i didn't. i'll say it now - i personally don't support sam and rebecca getting together for real. i believe what people are saying is entirely correct, even though sam is an adult legally, he and rebecca are, at the very least, two wildly different stages of life. for americans, he's at the equivalent of being a junior in college. there are things he hasn't gotten the chance to experience and there are areas he needs to grow in. when i was younger, i didn't understand the significance of these age gaps, i just thought it would be fine if it was legal, but as someone who is now a little older than sam in universe, i understand fully. we can't downplay this. whether or not you think sam works for rebecca or not, even despite the gender inversion of the Older Man Younger Woman trope, whether or not he is a legal adult, i don't think at this point in time, their relationship would work. i think it's an interesting narrative device, but i don't want to see it play out in reality.

that being said!

what's worrying me is that two discussions are being conflated here that shouldn't be. sam having agency and being a little more grown™ than he's perceived to be does not suddenly make his relationship with rebecca justified. i had decided to bring it up because sam was being brought into the spotlight again and i was starting to realizing that his infantilization was more common than i felt comfortable with.

sam's infantilization (and i will continue to call it that), is a microaggression. it's is in the range of microaggressions that i would categorize as 'fandom overcompensation'. we have a prominent character of color that exhibits traits that aren't stereotypical, and we don't want to appear racist or stereotypical, so we lean hard in the other direction. they're not aggressive, they're a Sweet Baby, they're not world weary, they're now a little naive. they're not cold and distant, they're so nice and sweet that there's no one that wouldn't want approach them, and yeah, on their face, these new traits are a departure and, on their face, they seem they look really good.

but at a certain point, it reaches an inflection point, and, like the aftertaste of a diet coke, that alleged sweetness veers into something a lot less sweet. it veers into a lack of agency for the character. it veers into an innocence that appears to indicate that the person can't even take care of themselves. it veers into a one-dimensional characterization that doesn't allow for any depth or negative emotion.

it's not kind anymore. it's not a nice departure from negative stereotypes. it's not compensating for anything.

it's patronizing.

it is important that we emphasize that characters of color are more than the toxic stereotypes we lay on them, yes, but we make a mistake in thinking that the solution is overcorrection. for one thing, people of color can usually tell. don't get it twisted, it's actually pretty obvious. for another, it just shifts from one dimension to another. people of color are still supposed to be Only One Character Trait while white people can contain multitudes. ted, who is pretty much as pollyanna as they come, can be at once innocent and naive and deep and troubled and funny and scared. jamie can be a prick and sexy and also lonely and also a victim of abuse. sam, however, even though he was bullied (by jamie, no less), is thousands of miles away from home, and has led a protest on his team, is usually just characterized as human sunshine with much less acknowledgement of any other traits beyond that.

and that's why i cringe when fandom calls sam a Sweet Baby Boy without any sense of irony. is that all we're taking away? after all this time? even for a comedy, sam has received a substantive of screen time over two whole seasons, and we've seen a range of emotions from him. so as a black person it's hurtful that it's boiled down to Sweet Baby Boy.

that's the problem. we need to subvert stereotypes, but more importantly, we need to understand that people of color are not props, or pieces of cardboard for their white counterparts. they are full and actualized and have agency in their own right and they can have other emotions than Angry and Mean or Sweet and Bubbly without any nuance between the two. i think the show actually does a relatively good job of giving sam depth (relatively, always room for improvement, mind you), especially holding it in tension with his youth, but the fandom, i worry, does not.

it's the same reason why finn from star wars started out as the next male protagonist in the sequel trilogy but by the third movie was just running around yelling for REY!! it's the same reason why when people make Phase 4 Is the Phase For Therapy gifsets for the mcu and show wanda maximoff, loki, and bucky barnes crying and being sad but purposefully exclude sam wilson who had an entire show to tell us how difficult his life is, because people find out if pee oh sees are also complex, they'll tell the church.

and the reason why i picked up on this very early on is because i am an organic, certified fresh, 100% homegrown, non-gmo, a little ashy, indigenous sub saharan African black person. the ghanaian tribes i'm descended from have told me so, my black ass parents have told me so, and the nurses at the hospital in [insert asian country here] that started freaking out about how curly my hair was as my mother was mid pushing me out told me so!

and this stuff has real life implications. listen: being patronized as a black person sucks. do you know how many times i was patted on the back for doing quite honestly, the bare minimum in school? do you know how many times i was told how 'well spoken' or 'eloquent' i was because i just happen to have a white accent or use three syllable words? do you know how many times i've been cooed over by white women who couldn't get over how sweet i was just because i wasn't confrontational or rude like they wrongly expected me to be?

that's why they're called microaggressions. it's not a cross on your lawn or having the n-word spat in your face, but it cuts you down little by little until you're completely drained.

so that's the nuance. that's the subversion. the overcompensation is not a good thing. and people of color (and i suspect, even white people) have picked up on, in general, the different ways fandom treats sam and dani and even nate. what all of these discussions are converging on is fandom racism, which is not the diet form of racism, but another place for racism to reveal itself. and yeah, it's uncomfortable. it can seem out of left field. you may want to defend yourself. you may want to explain it away. but let me tap the sign on the proverbial bus:

if you are a white person, or a person of color who is not part of that racial group, even, you do not get to decide what is not racist for someone. full stop. there are no exceptions. there is no exit clause for you. there is no 'but, actually-'. that right wasn't even yours to cede or waive.

(it's also important to note that people of color also have the right to disagree on whether something is racist, but that doesn't necessarily negate the racism - it just means there's more to discuss and they can still leave with different interpretations)

people don't just whip out accusations of racism like a blue eyes white dragon in a yu-gi-oh duel. it's not fun for us. it's not something we like to do to muzzle people we don't want to engage with. and we're not concerned with making someone feel bad or ashamed. we're exposing something painful that we have to live with and, even worse, process literally everything we experience through. we can't turn it off. we can't be 'less sensitive' or 'less nitpicky'. we are literally the primary resources, we are the proverbial wikipedia articles with 3,000 sources when it comes to racism. who else would know more than us?

what 2020 has shown us very clearly is that racism is systemic. it's not always a bunch of Evil White Men rubbing their hands together in a dark room wondering how they're going to use the 'n-word' today. it's systemic. it's the way you call that one neighborhood 'sketchy'. it's how you use 'ratchet' and 'ghetto' when describing something bad. it's how you implicitly the assume the intelligence of your friend of color. it's the way you turned up your nose and your friend's food and bullied them for it in middle school but go to restaurants run by white people who have 'uplifted' it with inauthentic ingredients. it's telling someone how Well Spoken and Eloquent they are even though you've both gone to the same schools and work at the same workplace. it's the way you look down at some people of color for having a different body type than you because they've been redlined to neighborhoods where certain foods and resources are inaccessible, and yet mock up the racial features that appeal to you either through makeup or plastic surgery.

it's how when a person of color behaves badly, they're irredeemable, but a white person performing the same act or something similar is 'having a bad day' or 'isn't normally like this' or 'has room to grow' and we can't 'wait for their redemption arc', and yes, i'm not going to cover it in detail in this post but yes this is very much about nate. other people have also brought up the nuances in his arc and compared them to other white characters so i won't do it here.

these behaviors and reactions aren't planned. they aren't orchestrated. they're quite literally unconscious because they've been lovingly baked into western society for centuries. you can't wake up and be rid of it. whether you intended it or not, it can still be racist.

and it's actually quite hurtful and unfair to imply that concerns about racism in the TL fandom are unfounded or lacking any depth or simply meant to be sensational because you simply don't agree with it. i wish it was different, but it doesn't work that way. i'm not raising this up to 'call out' or shame people, but i'm adding to this discussion because, through how we talk about sam, and even dani and nate, i'm yet again seeing a pattern that has shortchanged people of color and made them feel unwelcome in fandom for far too long.

coach beard said it best: we need to do better.

#ted lasso #sam obisanya #ted lasso spoilers #fandom racism

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uwuyangin · 4 years

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a promise well broken (minho x reader)

✩ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: if anyone was certain of one thing, it would be the fact that both you and minho were a two in one deal. never would somebody see one and not the other. since the beginning of your friendship, you promised each other that no matter what, you would never lie. pinky promises were forever right? that is until you meet hana, the one person that had the potential to tear you and minho apart.

✩ 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫 + 𝐚/𝐧: this is a request! bff to lovers! plot ahead. cussing as well so be warned. song rec: i hate u, i love u by olivia o’brien & gnash. thank you for requesting this, lovely!

—

the autumn of twenty-eighteen was the worst year of your life.

why? because that was the start of your first year being a freshman in college. nobody had warned you about the university life, and it always looked so easy. then came week two where you learned the hard way that the readings actually were important. or that you should never leave your laundry in the laundromat without supervision. again, these were things you had to learn as an adult and it sucked.

but, you’ll never forget the day you met him; lee minho.

you had accidentally spilled coffee all over his white shirt in that over-crowded starbucks down the street from your apartment. he had joked you owe him a new shirt, however he then laughed at his silly remark. hearing that laugh made your heart melt in a way you couldn’t describe. nonetheless, you offered to buy him his drink of choice, to which he denied. instead, he asked for your time and the rest was history.

you two were inseparable ever since. even when you needed to study, minho would drop by and annoy the hell out of you. it had become such a routine that you would be surprised if he didn’t accompany you to anything. in a way, you were dependent on him as he was to you. some would say this was unhealthy, but you admitted to yourself a long time ago that a life without lee minho was not a life wanted.

however, because life was never perfect, you couldn’t expect your relationship with him to be. because you were utterly in love with someone you never thought you could have. so much so that your heart swelled at just the idea of him and that damn smile. his tsundere personality attracted you the most because that only made the intimate moments more meaningful. like when he would hold your hand in public if you were anxious, or the way he complimented your work ethic. those small, simple gestures filled your stomach with butterflies. as much as you loved him showing you affection, it also broke your heart because it always stirred up false hope. and nothing hurt more than that.

you wished you could confront him on this. you hated hiding anything from minho. it was your number one rule between each other; no secrets, no lies. he always had a deep-rooted insecurity of being lied to, and you promised him that you would never do that no matter what. you’ll never forget the way he looked at you then; full of trust and happiness. each night when you lay awake in your bed, your chest clenches at the thought of telling him you’ve been surpressing these feelings. would he rejoice or be disappointed? it was a risk that you weren’t willing to take.

that promise meant everything to you. apparently minho thought otherwise.

it had been exactly one month since you met park hana. minho introduced the two of you after walking out of his calculus class. he had made a new friend, which didn’t surprise you because who wouldn’t want to be friends with him? however, at the sight of her, your stomach dropped. she had locks of honey brown, obviously artificial but beautiful nonetheless. her eyes always shone with a light you never thought you’d see. she was outgoing, intelligent, and funny. god, she was so funny that she made minho roll over in laughter at a study session that was supposed to be explicitly between you and him. you envied her. you wanted to love yourself the way she did, but everytime you looked in the mirror, you would only see flaws. what would minho see in you that he wouldn’t see in her?

you tried to be her friend, you really did. on multiple occasions, you invited hana to coffee or to the movies, and she always declined. if you brought it up to minho, he would only shrug it off that it wasn’t serious. this didn’t cease your uneasiness towards her, though. it could just be your jealousy speaking but you knew yourself better than that.

you were going to try again, though. if she meant something to minho, then she meant something to you as well.

you lay on your bed with a small smile, scrolling through your phone to find minho’s number. a simple face time would be fun as you didn’t feel like texting. you also really wanted to see his face. after finding his number, you tapped on it and felt excitement rising in your system. it was only a video call but this is what minho did to you. as the phone rang, you were met with disappointment as you noticed that he wasn’t going to pick up. that wasn’t like him as he typically picked up within the first three rings.

“what the heck? ugh,” you grunted to yourself, heading over to text message.

you were tempted to text him alone about your idea of hanging out, but you knew that if you were going to make an effort for hana, you would need to text the group chat. you began to text out your plans, sending it with a large grin.

you: heyyyyyyyyy bishes! i’m thinking of heading to the mall later today, and i’d love to hang with y’all. what do you say?? maybe we can get dinner as well. i finally don’t have homework lmaoo

soongiedoongiedori: aw can’t today :( hanging out with sungie

hana: same, i’m busy! maybe next week?

you: ok :’) </3

releasing a sigh, you felt your excitement deterioriate. you weren’t expecting them to turn you down so quickly, especially minho. you knew it was wrong to be upset at them for being busy but you couldn’t help how you were feeling. hana did suggest next week . . . that would have to do for now.

as you sighed once again, you heard your door swinging open. you snapped your head up, hoping it was minho pranking you, but you were only met with your roommate, yeri.

“whoa, calm down. i’m not gonna kill you,” she joked. “i was just checking to see if you’ve eaten today and if i should buy takeout.”

groaning, you shook her head and hung an arm over your head. this made it clear to yeri that you were upset, making her concerned. you two were close since the beginning of the school year. normally you were a cheerful person. if you were acting like this, then something was definitely up.

“what’s wrong?” she asked, sitting beside you on your bed.

you peeked out from behind your arm only to drop it and sigh for the third time. that’s all you could really do at this point.

“well, it’s going to sound dumb-”

“no it’s not. stop doubting yourself, now tell me what’s up.” yeri interrupted.

you rolled your eyes but smiled a small smile. “i texted minho and hana to see if they wanted to hang out today but both of them are busy. it just really sucks because i feel like every time i make an effort for hana, she doesn’t make an effort for me. i’ve tried telling lino this but he thinks i’m being dramatic. am i being dramatic?”

yeri hummed at your response, furrowing her eyebrows. you watched in silence as she pondered about the scenario in her mind. this put you on edge because she didn’t immediately reassure you it was nothing. she must’ve seen something fishy as well or else she wouldn’t be thinking about it. or you were assuming the worst.

“they’re both busy?” she checked.

you nodded, making her shrug. “i wouldn’t think much of it, (y/n). what’s the rule between you and him again? no secrets, no lies or something like that? i don’t think he would lie to you.”

that was true; nobody took that rule more seriously than minho. for a moment there, you felt guilt because you knew it was wrong to immediately doubt his intentions like that. hana as well. yeri inspected you for a moment as she took in your composure. surely her advice should’ve been enough to warrant ease, however, you were still stiff.

“i’ll go to the mall with you,” she offered. “i was thinking of stopping in sephora or something. i’ve been meaning to go for awhile but never had the excuse.”

you snapped your head her way and bit back a smile, trying not to be too enthusiastic. “really? you’re not just saying that, are you?”

yeri nudged you playfully before standing. “of course not. now get up and ready, or i’ll regret my decision.”

“did you really have to buy all three palettes? they look the exact same!”

yeri rolled her eyes as the both of you exited the store with you holding one bag, and her with two. you had only been there for twenty minutes and you already spent more than you would’ve liked. then again, you didn’t really care because you were looking forward to this for awhile. friends that enable each other stay together, right?

“well, that’s where you’re wrong. this one is peachy nudes, then there’s the golden nudes, and this one is neutral nudes. seriously, (y/n), don’t underestimate the power of nudes.”

the both of you let out a laugh, leaning into each other for support. yeri had made this experience way more fun than you thought it could be. not one thought of minho or hana had entered your mind. the mood was lifted tremendously as you strolled through the mall, window shopping at a few stores until you found the one you wanted to shop in. however, as you were going to enter a store, your stomach did a little growl.

“whoa, calm down tiger.” joked yeri as she patted your stomach.

“i guess i forgot to eat today . . . do you wanna stop by the food court before we continue shopping?” you suggested.

she nodded, realizing that she was hungry as well. “i think it’s this way.”

nearing the corner, you continued on towards the food court with excitement. mall food always had a different vibe to it and you were very much looking forward to devouring some lo mein noodles. as the food court came into view, your walk began to speed up. the excitement that was building up inside of you halted as yeri stopped in her tracks, causing you to run directly into her back.

“hey-” you started but yeri whipped around, shushing you. her hands grabbed onto your arms and dragged you to the side where you were no longer out in the open.

“what are you doing?” your voice was not loud however it still wasn’t at yeri’s liking as she shushed you again.

“(y/n), look over by mcdonald’s. isn’t that minho . . . and hana?”

your heart stopped as you heard those words, immediately looking where yeri had instructed you. there sat minho and hana, laughing obnoxiously while sharing a meal. you watched the way she fed him a fry, with him then returning the favor. your heart tugged at the sight because that was something you guys always do to each other. it would then follow with you offering him a bite of your mcflurry and then booping him on the nose with the spoon. the tension grew as you saw him reaching for the spoon of his mcflurry, raising it out towards hana.

“please, please, please. do not pat it on her nose,” you whispered to yourself.

tears welled up in your eyes as you watched the way she took a bite, then giggling as he gently patted her nose with the spoon. that was the icing on the cake and it’s all it took before you turned your body around, rushing to the exit.

yeri called out to you but you weren’t listening. the scene that played before rewound itself in your mind like a vhs tape. and you would pause at the way he looked at her, like she was so special. those glances were always reserved for you. was he tired of you? did he know how much he meant to you? he broke your one rule, the one thing that meant everything. your friendship was based on this and yet it was now abandoned. your breathing became labored as you tried calming down, staring at the ground with wide eyes and endless tears. never did you think minho would betray you. maybe it was naive to think like that.

“(y/n), wait up!” puffed out yeri as she met up with your figure at the exit. her chest heaved from the run she had to do to catch up.

neither of you spoke as yeri tried to find the words. “i’m sorry.” her voice was soft, almost afraid of breaking you any further.

nearly a week had passed since the incident at the mall. and you would be lying if you said you were alright.

every night you were reminded of what minho did to you as he sent you texts relentlessly. the spamming began after day one with him asking if you wanted to come over. when you didn’t respond, he continued to blow up your phone to see if you were okay. all the missed calls and texts drove you insane because you wanted so badly to reply. but you weren’t going to give in so easily. he hurt you in ways you couldn’t describe. it didn’t help that you were helplessly in love with him. seeing him give affection towards another female was inevitable, but you never thought it would hurt like this.

you weren’t surprised when you didn’t get any notifications from hana. you wanted to believe so badly that she was a good person but something felt off. you didn’t want it to be your jealousy speaking but you also didn’t want to be in denial either. this felt wrong because you and minho had never been so separated. but with each passing second, you felt yourself growing further part from him. you continued to drown in your depressed thoughts until a knock on your door interrupted.

“yes?”

“oh, you don’t sound so excited to see me.” joked a familiar voice as they stepped in, closing the door behind them.

you grinned, immediately sitting up and opening your arms for your friend, han jisung. the boy wasn’t shy in returning the hug, laughing at your brightened expression.

“sungie! what are you doing here? you didn’t even think to call me?” your voice was nothing but playful, nudging his arm in the process.

jisung took a seat beside you on the bed and chuckled. as he made himself comfortable, he spoke up. “i felt like being spontaneous.”

the air was always light when it came to jisung. he was able to make everyone feel welcomed despite his social anxiety. the contradiction always made you love him more, as a friend of course. you admired him for a moment, feeling somewhat calmer. it was obvious to jisung that something was wrong, though. minho might’ve told him to check up on you because if you were ignoring him, then he knew you wouldn’t let him into your home. but jisung could also tell from your face that you weren’t okay.

“hey, what’s going on? you can tell me.”

his sudden change from bubbly to concerned shocked you, making you freeze in your spot. you hadn’t even noticed the smallest of tears that were forming in your eyes, finally being able to unleash any form of disappointment that you were holding in. jisung was not prepared to see you falter so quickly as he reached forward, holding your hands in his lap as he let you cry for a moment in silence. as soon as you were ready to catch your breath, you laid the truth on him.

“minho lied to me. and to make matters worse . . . he lied to me with hana.”

jisung was taken aback at those words because minho? lied to you? there’s no way. he snorted, shaking his head as he was in disbelief. however, as he studied your expression again, he noticed that you were still crying. the boy clenched his jaw as he was now visibly angry. he knew how much that rule meant to you and minho, as it meant something to jisung as well. he was there when minho got his heart broken, when he was the one who was lied to. and now minho had completely ignored that because of someone he barely knew. you didn’t deserve this, no one did.

“(y/n), i’m so sorry.” much like yeri, that’s all he could say.

because he knew how much this hurt you, and there was nothing that he could say that would change how you were coping. he wanted to ask what happened, but he also didn’t want to push you.

“why are you sorry? it’s him that should be sorry.” you replied bitterly as you wiped at your eyes.

you thought you looked pathetic, but jisung thought the opposite. he couldn’t even imagine what you were going through, and he always knew how close you two were. deep down he also knew how you felt about minho. this was more than just your best friend lying to you, no.

ring ring ring

the sound of your phone ringing made you snap out of it, immediately searching for it so that you could read the caller id. once you had it in your hands, your eyes widened in shock.

“it’s hana . . . should i answer it?” you whispered.

“sure, but i don’t know why you’re whispering.” you reached over and swatted his arm at his sass.

without thinking much of it, you swiped right and pressed the phone to your ear. jisung didn’t think that you would actually do it, considering you had neglected minho’s calls. although he did believe it would be easier to speak with hana as you weren’t as close with her. after holding in your breath for a long second or two, you released out a greeting.

“hello?”

“mhm, (y/n)-ah. i’m glad you picked up. i’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

something about the way she spoke didn’t sound genuine, and jisung could notice it from a mile away. you furrowed your eyebrows as he pointed at your phone, mouthing the words ‘speaker phone’ to you. you decided to risk it as jisung would be your witness for whatever would go down. you switched it to speaker.

“oh, hi hana. what did you want to speak with me about?” you said straightforwardly.

there was a chuckle on the other end that sent chills down your spine. “i’m not stupid, (y/n). i know you saw minho and me at the mall together. i don’t blame you for acting the way you are, i would probably do the same.”

both you and jisung looked at each with wide eyes. you didn’t expect her to be so blunt with her thoughts, however you were expecting something bitchy. biting on the inside of your cheek, you listened to her continue.

“i mean, you should be jealous. minho asked me on a date, and he told me he loves me. we are now dating, and we are very happy. he’s very happy. and now that we are together, i’m telling you to stay away from him.”

you could feel the fresh wave of tears pooling in your eyes as you heard her read out your worst nightmare. minho was in love with someone else, and to make matters worse, it was with hana. everything inside of you clenched painfully as you felt your heart sink to your stomach. this was way worse than having minho lie to you. you prayed to any god or deity that the situation couldn’t get any worse than it already was but they refused to listen to you. the universe was against your idea of sharing love with minho as it did everything in its way to tear you two apart. you should’ve kept count of the time you had left with him until he was taken.

but hearing her say that you needed to stay away from him wasn’t an option in your head. you can handle him lying, and being in love with someone else. it hurt, god it hurt so badly, but you could handle it if it meant he was happy. you would rather have minho happy instead of not having him at all. you were passionate in that belief, and you weren’t going to let hana tell you otherwise.

“no.”

“i wasn’t asking, (y/n).” her tone was more intimidating than before, yet you held your ground.

“i said no. i’m not budging on this, hana. i’m not letting him go.” you protested.

there was another pause in between the conversation, and you thought you had won for a second. but hana was always a step ahead of you, planning her attack head-on like she had rehearsed every possible outcome in her head.

“why are you still holding onto him? you’re just a burden, don’t you see that? he’s only pitying you. now that he has me, he doesn’t need to keep having you around. you should learn to take a hint.”

she spat her words at you, shooting her venom in your most sensitive spots. for a moment, you had entirely forgotten that jisung was still in the room. you tried not to let her words get to you, but they did. hearing that he was only pitying you sent you over the edge as you hung up the phone, throwing it at the floor angrily. your hands formed into fists as you closed your eyes, trying to catch your breath. but with each inhale, you felt as if you were suffocating. you wanted to wake up from this terror but you knew it was just a twisted reality. you didn’t even notice how your form was shaking from overwhelming emotions until jisung had reached over, pulling you closer into a side hug. he was just as speechless as you, if not more.

he shushed your cries, knowing it was the only thing you could do.

a few hours had passed at this point, and you didn’t even notice how you fell asleep with jisung. normally you two would split between the floor or the bed, but it was clear that you were exhausted. the afternoon had turned into nightfall, your open curtains inviting the moon. if you weren’t so out of it, you would’ve admired it’s beauty. you peered over as jisung was curled up beside you under the sheets, one arm wrapped loosely around your shoulders and the other over his face. he was such a good friend that you didn’t know how to thank him. he did not need to stay here by your side yet he did. he would never admit it, but he was incredibly selfless. as you tried adjusting your sight, you realized your eyes were puffy from crying, and it honestly hurt to try and focus in the dark. you laid your body back down, snuggling deeper into your comforter before trying to head back to rest. without warning, your door swung up to reveal a worried minho.

“what the fuck is this?”

his voice boomed through the room, causing you and jisung to bolt upright out of bed. your attention turned to a frantic looking minho clutching his phone in his hands. there was a vein popping out on the side of his neck from how stressed out he was, and his hair was disheveled from constantly running his hands through it. anyone would be able to see how fucked up he was over this. not to mention minho was worried sick because you still were not answering your phone, and now jisung wasn’t. when he called yeri to check up on you, she revealed that jisung had slept over. minho was furious, but for what?

“why haven’t you been answering your phone? do you know how worried i’ve been about you, i thought you died!” he started, then pointing his finger at jisung. “and you, what the hell do you think you’re doing in (y/n)’s bed?”

jisung gulped in fear as he avoided eye contact, trying to find the words to reply. never had the older male raised his voice like that at anyone, much less jisung. minho could be scary when mad, but you weren’t going to let behave like this. you believed he didn’t have a right to be so upset. because you weren’t going to let him do this to you, act like he was the victim and that you hurt him. he hurt you first, didn’t he see that? or was he really that blind?

“first off, i don’t need your permission to have anyone stay the night so don’t talk to him like that. two, i don’t need to answer to you or anyone else but myself.”

minho chewed at the inside of his cheek, a death stare focused on you. “excuse me?”

“i said that i don’t need to answer to you. shouldn’t you be with your girlfriend anyway? it’s obvious you care more about her than you do about your friends. go, we don’t want you here.” you sneered at him, placing your hands on your hips firmly.

“what are you talking about, (y/n)? i don’t have a girlfriend. you’re not making any sense-”

“do not lie to me a second time!” you yelled.

both jisung and minho froze as they heard you raise your voice. minho knew what you could be like when you were furious like this, but he never thought you would be like that with him. it hurt a little as you stared at him like so sternly, so unwelcoming. for once in your friendship, he felt like he was trespassing. that shouldn’t be an issue between you two. minho tried to process his thoughts until he caught your words again, repeating it over and over in his head. guilt began to settle within him as he pursed his lips, thinking of saying something. however, nothing came out. all he could do was stare at the ground with shame digging itself into his skin. you deserved better than this. minho promised you so many things, and he had broken every single one. it was ironic, really, for someone who feared a broken heart.

“(y/n),” he started hesitantly. “it’s not what it seems. let me explain.”

you snorted while rolling your eyes. “really? because from what i remember, you promised me. you promised me you would never lie to me, or keep secrets from me. you lied to me!”

your throat became thick as you tried swallowing any sobs that were bound to come up. you had pent up all of your frustration that this was finally the time you let minho have a piece of your mind. you wanted to scream at him, fight him, and hurt him. but all you could do was unleash the pain you had been holding in.

“i never thought you would do this to me, minho. i never thought- i never thought you could just give up this friendship to someone who barely knows you! i always pictured you’d be with someone kind and full of love but she is a monster, don’t you see that minho? she is a bitch and-”

“wait, wait, wait. are you talking about hana? why are you saying these things about her? i know you’re upset with me, but don’t pull her into this.” he defended her, folding his arms across his chest.

your heart sank a little further as he didn’t immediately deny the fact that they were dating. instead, he defended her actions, and her role as his girlfriend. you were devastated; so it was true. you should’ve seen it coming, but you never thought it would be this soon.

“hyung, (y/n) is telling the truth.” jisung tried to interfere, nevertheless, minho glared daggers at him.

“i’m not speaking to you right now. quiet.” he demanded.

his voice was eerily calm, making jisung cower in fear. you were not going to do that, though. you were going to stick up for yourself and the hell that hana had unleashed onto you. there is no way that minho could be so dull to not see the true colors of this girl. or maybe you were far too used to overestimating him.

“why is it that when it’s her word versus mine, you automatically defend her? am i not your best friend? i feel like i mean nothing to you anymore.”

minho scoffed. “you’re being overdramatic. hana means a lot to me as well-”

“no, it’s obvious she means more to you. do you know what she did to me today, by the way? she told me to stay away from you, to never see you again or else. does that sound like someone you want in your life, lino?”

you waited to hear reassuring words from your best friend, but instead, all you heard was the love of your life pushing you out of the way. his nostrils flared slightly in anger as he clenched his jaw, and his instinctively formed fists. never had he thought to raise his voice at you, but that was pushed away when the words left his mouth without control.

“you listen to me, and you listen carefully, (y/n). i don’t want you to ever speak of her like that ever again,” he pause to take a deep breath.

“it’s really low of you to be this jealous that you have to tear down the people that matter to me. i thought you were better than that.” he clicked his tongue, giving you a stare of disappointment.

you couldn’t decide what hurt more, the fact that minho defended her or that he didn’t believe you. jisung wished to speak up and to let his friend know the truth, but he didn’t want to be scolded once more. the silence in the room was chilling, leaving goosebumps to arise on your arms. this had to be fake; this wasn’t the minho you knew and loved. tears had fallen past your eyes and onto your scorched cheeks. that sinking feeling returned to the pit of your stomach as it swallowed you whole. minho stared back with just as much intensity, knowing he hated seeing you cry especially when he was the cause. but he refused to back down from his word. instead he shook his head, turning around to walk out the door. you could hear the slam of the front door from your room, making you jump in fear. you were still unable to move from your spot as shock filled your system. did that really just happen?

you hadn’t even noticed the way jisung chased after his hyung. he pushed his short legs to run faster until he was now out of your apartment and near the parking lot. minho was walking rather fast with his stance intimidating but the younger boy didn’t care. he needed him to know the truth, and to know that you weren’t exaggerating.

minho felt a shove at the lower end of his back, causing him to trip a bit in front of him. when he whipped around to view who it was, a growl slipped his lips.

“yah, do you have a death wish?” jisung was not surprised to hear that.

“no, but do you? do you know what (y/n) has been going through ever since this hana girl entered your life? hm? do you? she’s telling the truth, i was here with her when that call took place.”

minho chuckled bitterly. “i can’t believe you’re on her side here. i thought you were my friend.”

jisung’s eyes softened, showing just how upset he was over this. minho was not prepared for what came next, however, as the dongsaeng questioned every motive he had.

“i am. and do you know what i value most in our friendship? no secrets, no lies. isn’t that the same promise you were supposed to keep with (y/n)? and here you are, breaking that promise. trying to validate what you did is inexcusable, man. why would she lie?”

the older of the two was at a loss of words as the guilt he faced earlier returned. it swirled around his body like an uninvited wind, reminding him how cold he felt in the situation. there was no reason for you to lie, so why was it that you would make something up like this? that’s the thing; you would never make this up. the realization was beginning to settle in him as minho came face to face with reality. he had hurt you, and made it out to be your fault. he took the side of someone he barely knew over you. over his best friend. over the love of his life.

“shit,” he muttered while throwing a hand to over his face.

this made jisung smile sadly, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “maybe you should fix this. just maybe.”

letting out a groan, minho cursed at himself. he had fucked up so badly. jisung was quick, though, to ask a question that was still clearly in his head. “are you really dating hana by the way?”

minho shook his head and scoffed. “no.”

minho glanced up from his solemn expression and nodded.normally he would come back with another scary remark but he didn’t have the energy to do it. he made his way back to your apartment with each step being heavier than the previous one. owning up to his mistakes wasn’t something he was used to. never had he hurt this badly before, so he was bound to face something completely new. taking all the courage he could, minho opened your door to see a vacant front room. yeri must’ve been somewhere else, which he wasn’t complaining about. no doubt she would’ve chewed his ass out. minho continued on until he was right outside your door. as his hand went to turn the golden knob, he heard a heartwrenching sound.

you held a hand over your mouth as you sobbed in your bed, your body curled up to offer any form of comfort it could. the words of your best friend replayed over and over until you could no longer bare it anymore. you were broken into pieces, scattering yourself so that they would be hard to find. but minho had the power to put you back together, despite how long it would take.

you felt a body weigh down beside you on the bed, immediately reaching its arms around you. as your eyes fluttered open, the sight of him was made aware, making you sob harder. minho shushed you, combing back your hair from your eyes as he held you in place. you didn’t fight him, you didn’t scream at him, no. you let him hold you so that he could mend your broken pieces back together. this was his damage he had caused, it only seemed right to take care of it.

“i’m sorry. i’m so sorry.”

you shook your head almost instantly. “you’re just saying that. don’t lie to me-”

“i’m not. hey, look at me,” he whispered.

your eyes met his again, making you shiver. it had been so long since you were this close to him. it felt familiar, like home. because that’s what he was to you. nothing could ever change that, even if he had crossed you.

“i will never lie to you again. you mean so much to me.”

unlike his tsundere personality, his voice was soft as it wavered in the air. those words alone made your heart begin to beat again with a sense of excitement you thought you lost. that excitement began to build as he grew closer, his face fearlessly nearing yours. his eyes never left yours, and you felt the overwhelming urge to close the gap between you. and so you did.

your lips molded against each other in a way you couldn’t describe. you were exploring new found territory, having experience something you never deemed possible. it was gentle, but powerful. his hands caressed your lower back as he held you closer to himself, chests up against each other. fireworks were an understatement. it felt like the universe was finally aligning again to ensure your happiness. it was a comforting hug that let you knew everything was going to be alright. it was minho showing you that you were more than hana would ever be.

as he drew back, he pressed his forehead against yours. he couldn’t help but to say the words he had been holding back on ever since the day you met.

“i love you, (y/n).”

your eyes bulged as you looked at him in disbelief. these were words you were wanting to hear for so long. but were they genuine? or to make you feel better? you grew defensive before letting your heart speak any truth.

“i don’t need you to patronize me, minho. if you’re just saying that . . . “

“i’m not. i sincerely love you, (y/n).”

“what about hana?” your insecurities were back at it again, and doubting anything that minho had said to you. you heard him chuckle as he responded coolly. “i was never with hana. i love you.”

a smile broke out on your lips. “no secrets, no lies?”

“no secrets, no lies.”

soooooo this is really shitty and im really sorry :/ I’ve been writing this for so many weeks and this is all i got out of it lmao <333 might make a part two with smut HA let me know if y’all want that thanks for the request @minholuvs

#kpop #stray kids #fanfiction #kpop angst #angst #stray kids scenarios #stray kids angst #changbin #hyunjin #scenarios #minhoxreader #skz minho #minho angst #best friends to lovers #bangchan #felix #jeongin #skz seungmin #skz jisung

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justfandomwritings · 2 years

Note

Gosh, I just reread United in fear today and its so good, last time i read it was 2 years ago(maybe 3?) it was still being updated back then, so today I read part 5 for the first time and its so good, your writing is so good.

Just the reader begging infront of Tywin, uffff that scene almost made me cry, it was just so well planned and written. Is there any chance for an epilogue? I got so much into the story I just wished to know how they both finally settled down, but really ofcourse no pressure, this is just a request, I am just so happy that I remembered the story and got to read all the 5 parts together for the first time, it was such an amazing experience, thanks!

Thank you so much dear! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

I'm not really considering rejoining the GoT train and adding a chapter to United in Fear any time soon. As the story developed in my mind, I realized that that was a good stopping point for the series because when I went to write an epilogue I realized the Stark and Lannister story in that universe didn't end there. There was a lot more to it, and I couldn't write an epilogue cause the story wasn't over. I had to choose between making the story 5-8 more chapters or pausing it at a moment where it seemed to end and readers would be satisfied. So there isn't really an epilogue to give you even if I wanted to because the story isn't over.

But if you or anyone else is interested I could tell you what happens next in my mind. I wrote a scene between Lady Catelyn and the reader once, and there are bits and pieces floating around my drafts but not nearly enough to piece together a chapter and it would take several chapter to tell the story I would want to give you if I were to actually commit to it.

So under the cut, I've written a timeline (just the plot outline, not an actual story) of what happens after the end of United in Fear. This is, again, just the plot so it doesn't have any of the cutesy character development scenes of Robb and Lannister falling in love that I would've interspersed. You're welcome to take it or leave it as you wish.

Rob and Lady Lannister get married at the biggest and tensest wedding in Westerosi history at Harrenhal.

At the wedding, Catelyn confronts Lady Lannister and tells her that she will now be a Queen, and as a Queen she will need a Queensguard ala Queen Alysanne. She offers Brienne, who is willing to do this because Catelyn has ordered her to.

Lannister refuses. She's polite and respectful about it, but she doesn't want someone serving her who is more loyal to Catelyn. Lady Lannister gives her Lannister-named children to Tywin as wards after the wedding. Jaime and Cersei are there, and it's clear Cersei isn't happy about this. She never like Lady Lannister as a half sister. She hates that her children get to inherit the Rock when it could fall to Joffrey or Tommen by birth order. Her kids are more Lannister than anyone anyway and they just don't get to claim it.

Tyrion asks to go with her to the North and live in Winterfell. Tywin agrees. He makes it a condition with Robb that both of his children in the North be considered advisors to the King.

Lady Lannister insists Tyrion stay in line. She needs a friend now more than ever, and he was there for her through everything when no one else was. Tyrion promises to change to help her, his only true friend.

Lady Lannister's personal guard is chosen to be the Mountain, at least for now. He will have to return to the West at some point but in the years Lannister is establishing the people's trust, Tywin wants the Mountain guarding her. This makes Cersei even more bitter that her protection was never given this priority.

Months pass in Winterfell with interspersed scenes of the men not trusting her, lords being rude to her when Robb isn't around, people generally trying to break her.

They never do. She never complains to anyone but Tyrion, not even Robb. She won't let him stop the lords bullying her because she doesn't want them to think they're winning.

Lord Umber is the first to break and begin to trust her. She saves one of his nephews lives with some quick thinking when he's lost on a trading run to Skagos. It's not that she's particularly proved herself as a Northwoman, but she IS a Lannister and owns one of the most fertile trading ports in Westeros, so she knows a lot about ships by virtue of being trained to be Lady of the Rock. Her knowledge saves the boy. Lord Umber falls, and the rest of the lords fall into line not long after.

Peace is shortlived. Nonexistent.

It's her children's first name day. Tywin is bringing them north to her to drop them off for a month's visit. The day they're supposed to arrive, no carriage appears.

The next day, she's panicking and is sending out scouts and ravens left and right.

Before she hears back, two riders, alone with no banners, appear on the horizon. She recognizes the horse at once and opens the doors of Winterfell despite Robb's protest.

It's Jaime and Podrick. With a child strapped to each of their chests and another on Jaime's back.

What ensues is a heartbreaking scene of family and loss. Jaime had left King's Landing with Joffrey's permission to come escort the children and visit her and Tyrion. Their carriage was set upon not far North of the Twins. A whole battalions worth had gone against their measley 40 men. Lady Lannister is clutching her children in her arms as Jaime tells the story.

Someone was trying to kill the babies. Jaime had slaughtered the mercenaries them at the expense of the rest of the guard. But he'd recognized a face in the crowd.

Gemma's son, a Lannister puppet and heir to the Twins, had been in the crowd of attackers.

Lady Lannister knows this can only mean one thing: Cersei.

Gemma would never plan this on her own, but Cersei was always her favorite.

Lady Lannister asks the most painful and obvious followup question: 'Where is he?'

Tywin was supposed to bring them.

Jaime reaches in a saddle bag and pulls out Tywin's red sash, marking him as the commander of the Lannister forces. It's stained in a darker red that is so clearly blood.

Lady Lannister slowly, calmly, hands one of her children over to Catelyn, Sansa, and Tyrion respectively. A sign of how far her relationship with the Stark family has come.

She takes the sash in her hand and looks over at Robb. Robb knows what she's asking. She's asking because they're soulmates. Not because they're married. She would never deign to put herself beneath a man, more his equal. Robb knows he can't take this moment from her even though he wants to hide her away in a tall tower and protect her; he knows she would never forgive him if he did. So he nods.

She tells a servant to fetch her other cloak.

She strips off the warm, practical, plain fur cloak she's been wrapped, so common with House Stark. And she lets it fall in the snow. She begins tying the bloody sash around her waist, ignoring the stains rubbing into her light blue dress.

She pulls off a pin from her dress that is a variation of the Hand of the King pin, and she bends down to pin it to Tyrion's coat.

She turns to the rest of the watching lords on Robb's counsel and tells them that it has been an honor to know them and that she hopes she will see them all someday soon.

Then the servant returns with her cloak. Her red Lannister, personal sigil of a roaring lioness. Robb puts it on her.

The Mountain arrives with their horses. He knows when he's needed. Robb kisses her goodbye and promises to follow with what forces the North can spare. It won't be many in the wake of the last war, but he will do what he can for his soulmate.

As they ride off, Brienne turns to Lady Catelyn who tells her to go follow them, swear her sword to Lady Lannister as she was refused to do months before.

Lady Lannister rides to the Rock. Gemma has defected with the Twins, but the rest of the Riverlands are firmly Stark and therefore reluctantly Lady Lannister. Lady Lannister also categorically has Kevan and the rest of the West who are adamantly opposed to the murder of Tywin.

Jaime is reluctantly a member of her side. He cannot forgive Cersei trying to murder her own blood, and he will never forget that Lady Lannister is the one who saved him while Cersei did nothing to try to free him from Robb. He'll never forget which of his sister's cares and which one pretends to. It's hard to turn on Cersei but he keeps reminding himself of Tywin's death and of the men she sent to kill the babies and the fact he would've been collateral damage too.

Robb arrives with a couple thousand men, mostly from House Stark and Umber. Lord Umber has come as well cause he's grown to like the spitfire Lannister. It's nowhere near the force that's turned out enraged by Tywin's murder in the Westerlands, but it helps. (For all his faults, Tywin was a good and fair leader, an asshole, but he kept the money flowing and everyone prospered. He never lived in a way that made anyone think him a flippant lord, and he had respect from even commoners. So his death amasses a large soldier population even in the wake of war).

Lady Lannister has all of the West, chunks of the Riverlands, Robb's men, and some houses in the Crownlands mostly those who backed Stannis and now have an uncertain future.

Cersei has most of the Crownlands and all of the Stormlands, but Dorne and the Reach are holding out on her despite Oberyn and Olenna being in the city.

House Dayne, her mother's house, sends a letter of support to Lady Lannister. She asks them to talk to the Martells on her behalf. She knows they'll never back a Lannister, and she does not mind in the slightest. She just wants to ensure they don't back a Baratheon-in-name-only, who is also really a Lannister. House Dayne thinks that keeping Martells out of a Lannister vs. Lannister fight will be easy. They tell her to be careful though because something is brewing with Doran.

Before much of the war unfolds… Daenerys arrives on their shores, changing everything. The War of the Five Kings gives way to the War of the Three Queens.

Lady Lannister doesn't want the Iron Throne. She wouldn't mind it to be fair, she thinks she'd do the job, but what she really wants is revenge. And she's heard the rumors: dragons. It's not worth the fight.

She calls a conference with Daenerys. She doesn't want a repeat of the Field of Fire.

She agrees that, if House Stark and the North remain independent, the houses under her control bar House Stark and House Umber will all bend the knee. Including House Lannister, provided one of her children sits in House Lannister.

Daenerys is, as she was in the show, disinclined. Robb however is not Jon. And Lady Lannister is not Davos.

Things have gone slightly differently in Essos, and Barristan is there. He advises Daenerys to hear the Starks out. They are nothing if not people of their word, honorable to a fault. And anyone mated to a Stark at the very least has their people's best interest at heart.

Dany is reluctant and says why should she hear out a Lannister, sibling of Jaime who killed her father.

Lady Lannister says 'We are not our brother's sins.' pointedly about Viserys. And then adds that she thinks what Jaime did was right. Not honorable, but right. Those are two different things. He saved more lives than he took that day. 'If I was that mad, I would not fault Jaime, or Robb for that matter, for taking the power to murder innocents out of my hands.'

They're frank with Dany. She's got the power of a conqueror but not the heart. She wants what's best for the people, and the North is so different than the rest of Westeros that what is best for them is a Northern leader, a Stark. They're too different and too far way to be ruled effectively by anyone else. Lady Lannister asks Daenerys if she wants a repeat of the Field of Fire. Because the North frowns on Bran for kneeling, and Robb won't subjugate his people after they've just won their independence. She will have to be a Mad Queen and burn them all alive. They would sooner die. Not because Daenerys doesn't deserve respect but because she isn't a Stark.

Daenerys asks if this is when Lady Lannister tries to proffer one of her children or Robb's siblings to be her new husband.

Lady Lannister spits out that her children are not for sale like broodmares. That they will marry their soulmates or marry for love. They will not be forced upon like I was, like Robb almost was.

She's never talked about it with Robb, and he's surprised but pleased and happily agrees with this statement.

Daenerys is impressed and more willing to hear them out. They talk for a long time about the North, why and how it is ruled by Starks.

Lady Lannister asks Dany's forgiveness but says that it seems like Dany is fundamentally lacking an understanding of the regions of Westeros. It is her throne by birth, but she has never lived among its' people. She calls this her home, but it isn't really. What she needs are allies who understand Westeros, not enemies. She wants to rule the people, not beat and burn them into submission.

Dany introduces them to her dragons. They're both mildly terrified, but Robb and Lady Lannister hide it well. Dany is somewhat impressed by this as well. She tells them they'll talk more later.

Dany comes back after much consult and asks one question. What of the usurper Cersei.

Lady Lannister asks that she get to spill Cersei's blood. 'Whether you think my father deserved what came to him or not, Cersei only killed him on her path to murder my three babies. Rumors tell me you might relate to a sibling trying to kill your child.'

Seeing themselves in each other, Lady Lannsiter and Dany agree to terms. The North and only the north, not the Vale or the Riverlands, will gain independence, provided all of their army fights for her as well. She will also consent to leaving Lady Lannister's children as heirs to the Rock, and to sparring Marcella at least, Tommen if they can as well though he'd be sent to the Wall (for Jaime's sake).

Jaime, who was with the army, is put on trial for his 'crimes'. Dany promises the worst sentence will be the Wall, not death. Jaime explains himself. Dany isn't sure she believes him. Jaime asks for a trial by combat. It's Barristan v. Jaime. It's a throwdown of the Kingsguard, but Jaime wins and spares Barristan in the process.

A Stark, a Lannister, and a Targaryen, in the weirdest combination of allies, march on King's Landing.

Queue a scene of Jaime and Dany having a heart-to-heart about her father, the man Viserys pretended he was and the man he really was. Barristan backs up Jaime's side of the story, and it occurs to Dany that both Jaime was right for what he did and that Barristan may have been in the wrong for just sitting back and watching it happen. It's a moment of trust she didn't expect to have with Jaime of all people.

Cersei dies, killed by Jaime for what she's done. Joffrey is killed in the rush. Tommen and Marcella both survive and are shipped off North to the Starks. A smattering of other casualties including Barristan and Lord Umber, who Lady Lannister genuinely mourns.

In the aftermath, Dany is queen. She asks Jaime to stay on, as head of her Queensguard. She tells him that if he ever sees her father in her he has her permission to do what is right, not what is honorable. Those are the men she wants to surround herself with.

Brienne also stays on. Initially as an ally with the North's interest at heart when things are going on between North and South but then permanently as a Queensguard.

With the threat eliminated, Robb and Lady Lannister return to Winterfell. Lady Lannister manages too much of the Rock's affairs without Tywin gone to see to Winterfell's, and Tyrion did such a great job that he just stays on as Hand to Robb.

With Brienne there as liaison, Lady Lannister persuades Catelyn to send Arya and Sansa back South. Catelyn doesn't know Arya will train with Brienne in secret, and Brienne doesn't know Catelyn doesn't want her to.

Sansa finds her soulmate in Podrick Payne who escorts them back South.

Arya will never find hers, and she is content with that. She has too much of her own life to live to spend it searching for someone else. She has faith the old gods will show them to her in the afterlife.

And when the White Walkers arrive they find a united front of north and south working well together.

Dany finds Jon and finds out his parents. They aren't romantic (cause incest is gross.) but she does name him her heir. He doesn't really want it, but also the White Walkers are gone, and he's not particularly interested in what he's come to realize the Night's Watch is when it's not under threat. He agrees on stipulation that Samwell is also relieved of his vows, as he always wanted to go become a Maester.

Queue cutesy epilogue where all is finally well in Westeros. And Robb is actually a great step dad, but they also are having a kid together.

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smellsfaintlyofvanilla · 3 years

Note

hi may i request a mikasa x gn reader soulmates au? maybe the tattoo/marks trope or the visions/dreams trope up to you :) thank you in advance!

Finally some Mikasa, I love her sm

Also, I wasn't super sure what specific tropes you were talking about, so I just kinda took an idea and ran with it, hope you don't mind.

Anyway, this POV follows Mikasa, which is different from what I usually do, a POV of the reader instead lol

Rosebud

(Mikasa Ackerman x Reader)

AU: Canon, soulmates AU (You have a unique tattoo that only you and your soulmate have)

Warnings: None

Category: Fluff

Summary: Mikasa was doubtful of soulmates, but an unexplainable force draws her to her soulmate one day, and Mikasa has no choice but to confront it.

Words: 2.7K

Mikasa never really believed in soulmates.

She thought the idea that everyone had a destined, unchangeable partner was ridiculous. The perfect person just "appearing" whenever the universe decided she needed them wasn't something she understood at all.

And yet, the evidence of her having one was splayed gorgeously across her back. Stretching from shoulder to shoulder, a large, beautiful tattoo was inked on her back. Feathered wings, outstretched and reaching towards nothing, and around them; roses. Red roses and thorned vines wrapping around the wings and budding up at the top, exposing a single rose bud on the nape of her neck. Though, it remained hidden behind the crimson red scarf she adorned.

She had kept it hidden constantly, lest her soulmate notice it and complicate things. For all she cared, she would keep it hidden forever, and her soulmate would be none the wiser.

She stared into her reflection in the mirror, collecting a small amount of water in her cupped palms and splashing it in her face, making sure her body was wide awake for morning training.

She turned around, staring at the tattoo with an indecipherable expression. She was still topless, not having finished dressing yet, giving her the opportunity to observe the art. Whether she believed in soulmates or not, she couldn't deny the absolute beauty of it.

Hesitantly, she slid on her bra and shirt, wrapping her scarf around her neck just enough to cover the rose. It could stay hidden a little longer.

Time came for morning training, and she suited up in her ODM gear. Today was race day; something that came once a week, where, in the morning, they would race through the forest with their gear, and the first to take a flag from Shadis on the other side was declared winner, and got double rations for the week.

Armin geared up next to her, his sleeves riding up his arms, revealing the tattoo on the inside of his forearm—a golden compass, opened and facing North. The glass covering the needle was adorned with small droplets of water, and foam, presumably from some body of saltwater, surrounded the accessory.

She looked away, choosing to ignore the way it made her heart twinge. Sometimes, rarely, she would indulge in the idea of having a soulmate. She hoped that, say it be true, her soulmate would truly understand her and care for her, and, most importantly, love her, something she unfortunately didn't experience a lot of in her childhood.

A shrill whistle startled her out of her thoughts—the first whistle. It signified 30 seconds until the start of the race, where he would blow it three times in short succession to start the chaos.

She lined up on the white line, drawn in the dirt with chalk, and stretched her arms over her head, releasing the tension in her body before the race started.

Finally, after a tense silence between the soldiers, the whistle blew, and all the Cadets instantly took off, whirring and spinning into the darkness of the forest.

Mikasa shot off, easily finding her place in the top three. Reiner was to her left, and, despite his large build, he managed to carry himself effortlessly, flying through the air like an eagle. And, to her right, the three week reigning champion—you.

Your hair blew behind your face as you pierced through the air, dodging the thick tree trunks and jutting branches as you flew towards the goal.

You turned your head, eyes meeting hers with a competitive smirk, wordlessly challenging her, temping her, even.

Mikasa perfected her form, leveling her body and shooting the hooks of her gear into just the right places to give her the highest momentum. She easily slipped past you, eyes set straight forward towards the goal as she stole the first place spot.

You swore under your breath, immediately thinking of how you were going to pull ahead of Mikasa during the home stretch.

You aimed your ODM gear at a tree in the distance, seeing if you could use the momentum to slingshot yourself forwards and towards the goal.

But, as soon as the hook buried itself into the wood, the wire twisted and stretched, clearly going on beyond it's limits. Still, you decided that would be a problem for the next gear inspection. For now, you could stand to damage your gear a little bit to pull ahead of Mikasa.

Mikasa watched, jaw slightly agape, as you sped in front of her, easily gaining a ten meter lead on her. Her daze lasted only a slight moment, as a loud screeching noise drew her attention away from your sudden lead.

She searched around for a moment for the source of the sound, until she located it right in your direction. Her eyes widened in realization—your ODM wire was strained, and started the fray as it twisted and stretched.

You seemed to notice your peril shortly after, but there was nothing you could do at that point. The last metal strand of the wire strand snapped, and it gave out instantly, still dug into the tree.

Panic immediately shot up your spine, bracing yourself for impact as your previous momentum shot your face first towards the forest floor.

Mikasa's eyes wandered involuntarily towards your stranded form, watching in horror as you collided with the dirt, kicking up a cloud of dust laying limply in the shrubbery.

Part of her just wanted to finish the race—since she was now in first—and claim her rations. But, a sudden, external force drew her to you, her body moving on its own as she rushed to your side.

Soldiers flew past her overhead, the buzzing and whirring in her ears making it difficult to tell just how fast her heart was beating all of the sudden.

She dug through the grass and shrubs for a moment, searching your limp figure. Once she found you, she pulled you up and out of the dirt. You were awake, but somewhat lethargic, staring up at her with droopy eyes. Blood trickled down your forehead and over your cheeks, dripping from your chin.

"Shit, Y/n...!" She cursed under her breath, scanning your body for any other injuries, letting out a heavy sigh of relief once she realized there were none.

"Are you alright? Does your head hurt? Can you walk?" She bombarded you with questions, pulling your body into her lap. She had no idea why she was so concerned with you all of the sudden, but the urge to make sure you were okay was absolutely overpowering.

"I..." You raised your hand the gash in your head, pulling it away and gazing at the blood coating your fingers. "...could be better, but I think I'm alright." You sighed, resting an arm over your chest out of exhaustion. "Hurts like a bitch, though."

Mikasa sighed, brushing the loose strand of hair from your face.

"Mmm..." She hummed, rubbing her temple as the roots of a headache started to form in her head. Terrible timing, though it was inevitable considering the sudden stress this situation brought her. "Still, I should bring you back. You don't look so great right now."

You sighed, nodded your head slowly, the pain of your fall seeping its way into your aching body as the adrenaline started to wear off.

You stood up, slowly starting to walk back to the barracks, but found your legs suddenly unable to support your body weight as you stumbled and collapsed forward. Luckily, Mikasa dashed to your side, wrapping one arm around your shoulders and the other over your stomach to support you and prevent your fall.

"Hang on." She muttered, moving in front of your to slink her arm underneath you, picking you up and slowly carrying you towards the barracks.

You immediately buried your nose in the crook of her neck, the head injury clearly clouding any sense of shame momentarily. You inhaled her subtle, yet sweet aroma, slowly dozing off in her warm embrace.

It took Mikasa a good few minutes to realize you had fallen asleep, once she had asked you a question for the third time and didn't get a response. Once she realized, though, she just moved the arm that wasn't supporting you up to your head, keeping your head in its place. For some odd reason, she found comfort in its being there.

Small twigs snapping and grass rustling, plus your soft snoring, were the only audible noises at this point, the other soldiers far too far away to hear. Even if the two of you were close enough, even the person in last place should've crossed by now. She paused to wonder if Shadis would mind both of your absences, but dismissed the thought. At least somebody had to have seen you fall.

She sighed, gazing up at the sky.

"What am I doing right now?" She wondered aloud, now that there was no one to listen. "Why am I helping you?" Her slender hand brushed through your hair, trying to make you as comfortable as possible while you slept.

She had no clue, honestly. She had always been a close friend to you, but to go to such lengths to comfort you, she wasn't sure why. And she wasn't sure, either, why your gentle breathing against her was so calming to her. Really, she had no reason to be feeling this way.

Her feet slowed to a stop in front of the main building of the Trainee Regiment. Slowly, she pushed the door open and walked down the corridor towards the nursing room.

Gently, she set you down on the bench, stirring you awake as you opened your eyes, scanning the new environment with confusion.

"Where are w-"

"The medical office." She cuts you off without thinking, rummaging through the nearby cabinet for bandages, or something to wrap your head in.

Finding the small, white roll tucked away in the back, she turns back to you, unraveling some of the bandages and slowly wrapping them around your head.

"It really isn't that bad, Mikasa." You stated, yet made no effort to stop her.

"Liar. You passed out on the way here." She deadpanned, finally finishing the bandages. Grabbing a small cloth and running it under the sink, she dabbed it across your face, cleaning off the dried blood.

"I didn't pass out." You huffed out, stubbornly.

"You were asleep almost the whole walk."

"Just a power nap." You concluded, making her giggle.

"Whatever you say, just... be more careful. You probably already have a concussion, we don't need more than one TBI per month." She joked, smiling bashfully as you laughed at her quip. Mikasa wasn't a jokester by any means, so to see her so comfortable around you was a shock.

Mikasa pulled the cloth away from your face, examining for any missed spots. She almost put the rag away, satisfied with her work, until she saw a little dash of red across your nape.

"Turn around. You have blood on your neck." She whispered, and you obeyed silently, turning around.

She outstretched her hand, preparing to wipe the crimson off your neck, until she noticed. That's not blood at all.

It was a rosebud.

She blinked once, twice, making sure it wasn't just her imagination. It was identical to the one she had of the back of her nape as well—she knew it far too well, she saw it every other morning.

Without thinking, she grabbed the head hole of your shirt, pulling the cloth down to your mid-back to get a closer look.

"Ack—! Mikasa what are-" You sputtered, confused by her sudden forcefulness, contrasting her previous gentle behavior.

She paid no mind to your protests though, gazing in amazement and bewilderment. It was the exact same as the one she had, a perfect replica.

Clearly, she had never thought to take in the beauty of it until now. Now that it was inked into your back and not hers, she could see just how marvelous of a drawing it is.

"Y/n..." She exhaled, so quiet that she was surprised the sound even passed her lips coherently.

"Mikasa, what's gotten into you?" You inquire, turning around to face her, pulling your shirt back up over your shoulders in the meantime.

The second your eyes meet hers, she throws herself around you, wrapping her arms so tight around your chest that you swore you couldn't breathe.

Tears threatened to prick at her eyes. No matter how much she didn't believe in it, the stories were true. The stories of how you'd feel when you first connect with your soulmate. And, guessing by the way your breathing faltered and your mouth hung agape, you could feel it too.

She pulled away, leaving you confused, but also a little colder without her body pressed so close to yours.

With no explanation, she raised her arms and slid her shirt over her head, causing you to flush bright red and start to panic.

"Mikasa, seriously, what the hell is going on-"

"Look." She turned around, and the winged tattoo was on full display. It matched yours completely.

"Mikasa, I..." You tried to think of something to say, but no words fell out. You didn't expect to meet your soulmate, not this early, not her.

She didn't know what to do, either. She never expected to meet her soulmate, and not in a place like the Cadet Corps. Though, she couldn't deny that she felt attracted to you, not just emotionally, but almost spiritually, like something unknown tethered the two of you together.

Slowly, she brought you into a more gentle embrace, slinking down in your lap and wrapping her arms around your neck, leaning into the crook of your shoulder. You instantly wrapped your arms around her in return, and you swore you had never felt more at home than in this moment.

Her hand moved to your back, skimming it back and forth over the spot where your tattoo laid—she knew it was there, even if she couldn't see it.

The two of you stayed there in comfortable silence for what felt like eternity, being so close to someone as important as a soulmate brought immeasurable relief and tranquility to the both of you. The dull throbbing in your head died down at the sensation of the warm, comfortable woman tucked in your arms.

But, the moment was cut off by the distant shouting and clamoring of soldiers, signifying their return from the race.

"We should get up." You muttered, not wanting your intimate moment ruined by sudden company.

Mikasa sighed, reluctantly shuffling out of your lap and onto her feet. "What about Shadis?" She inquired, sliding her shirt back over her head.

"I'll just say it's about the head wound, and that you're staying behind to help me." You smile, dusting more of the dried dirt off your uniform. "He'll understand."

"I doubt that." She sighed bluntly, stretching her stiff limbs over her head. "But still, I wouldn't mind spending a little time off with you." She admitted, grabbing the cloth of her scarf and covering her mouth in an attempt to mask her flushed face.

"Good." You push through the door to the medical office, making your way to your dorm room—which, by coincidence, you shared with Mikasa.

You plopped down on the cozy linen sheets, stretching your body out before yawning, patting the space next to you and inviting Mikasa over. She took the offer silently, placing herself on the mattress, sitting up and facing the wall away from you.

"You know, when I said to watch over me, that was only an excuse for Shadis." You muttered, wrapping your arms around her waist in an attempt to pull her down to cuddle. "I just wanted to snuggle a little bit."

She sighed. Not moving from her position, upright and facing the wall. "I know, I know soulmates should do romantic things like this, I'm just... very new to this." She muttered, embarrassed.

"That's fine." You yawn, arms retreating from her waist as you bury your face in a pillow, sleep already taking hold. "We have plenty of time."

She nodded wordlessly, even you were unable to see—sleep had already taken hold of you.

"That's okay," She turned around, stroking your hair and brushing a few loose strands away from your face. "I think I love you already."

Bleh, I'll proofread this in the morning.

Edit: I did not proofread this in the morning.

#aot #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin #mikasa ackerman #mikasa ackerman x reader #mikasa x reader

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