#you're the biggest thing in my life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

flowery-laser-blasts · 5 months ago

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Fill my heart with song and let me sing for ever more...

I've finished the third season of Kimi ni Todoke recently (near and dear to my heart since highschool) and I fell in love with how soft and dreamy aquariums dates look. They're going out for dinner afterwards 🤭💖

#“You know what I find funny? You're making shego live a normal life experiencing the little fun things” - BF #That's because I want my girlie to live her best life. Shego kicks ass and is a girlboss yeah...#...but I want her to enjoy outings that make her have the biggest most gorgeous smile on her face. Girlie deserves the world #also I guess Drakken is there as well I guess. Fawning over her and all. He can watch his girlfriend politely and respectfully #Shego #Drakken #DrDrakken #Drakgo #Shego x Drakken #Drakken x Shego

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winterprince601 · 1 year ago

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considering how often they have to go chasing after him in canon, i just KNOW modern au snow patrol are tired. someone has to be on jon-watch every time they go clubbing because one sip of alcohol activates his stark wolf hindbrain and he's off. sam then spends the next two hours in escalating panic as dolorous edd lists every dangerous and terrible thing that could be happening to him. eventually grenn always finds him drunkenly trauma dumping on a complete stranger (this is how jon makes 90% of his friends) and drags him home by the scruff of his neck. there's a betting pool on when pyp will snap and buy one of those toddler leashes. pyp tried this once. jon gnawed through it.

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n0heart · 3 months ago

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#serious question is it /wrong/ to look at my own pictures and be like fuck i'm so hot and pretty?#like i spent 25 years of my life being my biggest hater so it feels weird. almost wrong to like myself this much #and not just that but to say it out loud??#of course there still are many things i don't like abt myself #and i'm probably liking what i see atm because i'm ovulating #i give it a couple more days and my luteal phase will KICK MY ASS #and i'll start feeling and looking disgusting again lmaooo #but yes anyways #i'm just. i'm so pretty?#but i feel like it's frowned upon to even say it out loud #if you're insecure everyone encourages you to love yourself. but if you love yourself then ppl will be like ok who tf does she think she is #and ???? what is expected of us??#anyways.

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aeolianblues · 5 months ago

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I'm not an extrovert. At all. In everyday life, I'm a yapper, sure, but I need someone to first assure me I am okay to yap, so I don't start conversations, even when I really want to join in sometimes! It's just the social anxiety acting up. God knows where from and why I lose a lot of my inhibitions when it comes to talking to people about music. I don't know where the confidence has suddenly sprung from. I've made a crazy amount of friends in musical circles, either just talking to people about common music or (since it is after all in music circles) talking to bands about their own music. I let out a sigh of relief any time an interaction goes well, because in truth it's going against my every instinct. I wish I could do that in everyday life

#like that's the point where we need to remind everyone around me that as much as I say #radio is 'a job'-- it's not 'my job' lol. I wish I was this interested in data science #but like. Honestly?? I'm not even a data scientist!? I answered a few questions about classical AI having come from a computer science back #background and now people are saying to me 'I know you're a data scientist and not a programmer' sir I am a computer scientist #what are you on about #and like I guess I get to google things and they're paying me so I'm not complaining but like I am not a data scientist #my biggest data scientist moment was when I asked 'do things in data science ever make sense???' and a bunch of data scientists went #'no :) Welcome to the club' ???????#why did I do a whole ass computer science degree then. Does anyone at all even want that anymore. Has everything in the realm of #computer science just been Solved. What of all the problems I learned and researched about. Which were cool. Are they just dead #Ugh the worst thing the AI hype has done rn is it has genuinely required everyone to pretend they're a data scientist #even MORE than before. I hate this #anyway; I wish I didn't hate it and I was curious and talked to many people in the field #like it's tragicomedy when every person I meet in music is like 'you've got to pursue this man you're a great interviewer blah blah blah'#and like I appreciate that this is coming from people who themselves have/are taking a chance on life #but. I kinda feel like my career does not exist anymore realistically so unless 1) commercial radio gets less shitty FAST #2) media companies that are laying off 50% of their staff miraculously stop or 3) Tom Power is suddenly feeling generous and wants #a completely unknown idiot to step into the biggest fucking culture show in the country (that I am in no way qualified for)#yeah there's very very little else. There's nothing else lol #Our country does not hype. They don't really care for who you are. f you make a decent connection with them musically they will come to you #Canada does not make heroes out of its talent. They will not be putting money into any of that. Greenlight in your dreams.#this is something I've been told (and seen) multiple times. We'll see it next week-- there are Olympic medallists returning to uni next wee #no one cares: the phrase is 'America makes celebrities out of their sportspeople'; we do not. Replace sportspeople with any public professi #Canada does not care for press about their musicians. The only reason NME sold here was because Anglophilia not because of music journalism #anyway; personal

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carefulfears · 2 years ago

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Explain what you said on Twitter

assuming that you're talking about when i said that imo the conversations around "scully, you're making this personal" aren't aligned with the intent/impact of the scene (actually i think what i said was that the scene is very serious but y'all never talk about what's serious about it so you loop back around to being unserious) and tbh i can do a post on my own feelings about the scene sometime when i'm feeling more with it if y'all want but i just meant that people bitch about that line every single day talking about how it's hypocritical and how infuriating it is and how much you hate mulder in s6 etc etc but i literally never see anyone even think about like...the actual meaning of the scene and implications of the line and the context and where they're each coming from. it's all just a very shallow and reactionary discussion in my experience

(i ended up talking more in the tags lol i never shut up in the tags)

#interesting to watch byers' reaction in that scene tbh. considering he's the one who said he 'always wondered' why mulder and diana split up #he very much has a look of 'don't go there' when scully keeps pushing it #as pointed out in randomfoggytiger's analysis of the scene which is linked on their page #this obv isn't shade to anyone who's talked about the scene lol #asks #scully LOATHESSS diana lol and has literally every reason and more #i just think the convos around that scene are missing the biggest emotional aspect (scully's violation in relation to diana's participation #to like.....focus on a totally different angle and blow it up #when i say that the scene IS very serious but never in the way discussed #i mean that it's very much about scully begging to be heard and kind of quietly betraying how much her own exploitation impacts her #how much it IS personal #and it's also kind of a last ditch effort to try to get the person she loves out of this abusive/manipulative situation using evidence #and he IS listening to her (he goes from there to check diana's apartment and tells diana he has doubts about her. which he didnt before)#but she doesn't know that bc she just hears 'scully you're reaching' 'scully you're making this personal'#my interpretation of the line is that he's talking about her criticism of diana. which we know she's been vocal about from her #'you KNOW what i think THAT woman is' in the previous episode #i think he's taking it as input on HIS personal life and what he does with HIS relationships and HIS ex (wife) (lol)#but what makes the scene serious and kind of haunting is that that actually is not what she's talking about at all #she's talking about the chip in her neck. she's talking about her dead daughter. her dead sister. HIS dead sister. the dead MUFON women.#all things that she KNOWS diana is involved with. but she can't MAKE him see that or believe her #(even though he does take in her input moving forward)#they're just not on the same page for once and they're not talking about the same thing #like it's a very deep and very very difficult conversation because it's so convoluted in abuse and power structures and trauma #but my main thought on it is that like...i never see anyone think about the implications or even the aspect of scully's personal history #all anyone ever says all the time is like omg of course it's personal to her i hate him for this men are so stupid #NO ONE EVER EVEN REMEMBERS WHAT THE SCENE WAS ABOUT #and ofc people are allowed their jokes and not every post on every scene is gonna go into how people think about it or how they interpret i #it's just always a very shallow conversation surrounding a very important scene which bothers me! that's all

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skrunksthatwunk · 7 months ago

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stole this chart from @asubakaa and spent wayyy too much time making my own so. yeah. also i did 6 instead of 5 bc i know no restraint

#aughh i just spent ages typing out an honorable mention list and then i was like i don't like this actually so i deleted it #whatever you're not getting an explanation. unless you ask then i mean sure i don't mind #i find it funny that the straight ship canonicity ratio is lower than the lesbian one. there's just smth about het stuff when it's not cano #each tier had its own challenges with brainstorming which was fun #i don't have a lotta straight ships i think about in a frothing seething howlilng way. fakiru and tamaharu are really the biggest ones atm #gay ships are the most common for me bc i consume a lotta guy-dominated media and things get homoerotic pretty fast #but that also meant there was a lot to sift through and i always felt like i was forgetting something #like i almost forgot killugon. KILLUGON. the same killugon that i was painfully obsessed with for multiple years yes that one #formative to my life in middle school and everything. my little gay guys forever. theyre very sweet how could i forget them #and with sapphic stuff it was various issues in depiction. like 'no one ships these two from this obscureish movie but me' and 'they're boo #characters so how do i depict this visually' and 'no one knows these two the fandom's bone dry :('#there's a lotta ships i like but it was sometimes hard to find ones i LOVEd enough to put alongside the others yknow. a problem with all 3 #categories. anyway a fun thing for my brain to do hooray #the most violently snubbed honorable mentions are probably griffith and guts bergerk. i wouldn't say i ship them exactly but they were in #love and should not be together in the present. as far as i've read. complicated but they're in my brain real good real deep in there #and hua cheng and xie lian tgcf. probably shoulda been there over the lawyers now that i'm thinking about it just in terms of sheer brainro #bc they took over my life about as hard as the other mxtx guys did. but yeah anyway #also i realized after this that i forgot horikashi.. which would probably take seowaka's place </3

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belzebong · 3 months ago

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Firm believer in Hurley becoming the guardian being his bad ending

#hi I'm thinking about the Lost ending but can't make an actual post because I'm not finished with my rewatch and my sister follows me #tbh the more i think about it the more i genuinely hate the Lost ending #like it desperately wants us to see Jack as a hero for saving the world possibly but i genuinely can't see anything heroic about it because #of how before doing that he basically ruins Hurley's life #like we have all seen what Jacob is/isn't #and I'm gonna be so fr i don't think Hurley has what it takes to escape the cycle #also the biggest thing with Jack and Hurley there is that it's a consistent pattern #before they got back on the island Jack was basically psychologically torturing him to get him to come back #bear in mind Hurley had been institutionalized for 2 years at that point #fully believe this is why Hurley ended up going back #everyone keeps saying he has a choice but i straight up disagree because both Jack and Jacob are fucking w his mind so much #and in the end Hurley once again doesn't get a choice #it's either become the guardian or risk the world ending #and Jack is going in that cave to die whether he does or not #like it's rotten at the core because Jack and Hurley have a fundamental abusive power dynamic that clouds their entire relationship build on #Jack thinking he's superior because he is a doctor and Hurley is insane #i also think it sucks that a show that used to question destiny ends with Hurley having to follow it because that's what Jack wants #maybe his destiny was to be an artist or start his own restaurant or something #but no Sorry buddy Jack wants you to become god #also Fucked up that in New man in charge Hurley ends up taking Walt back to the island after everything Michael did to get him out #personal headcanon but i think at that point he's starting to change #also Kate is not Jack's fucking soulmate are you fucking serious #dude was severely abusive to her and you're telling me that they're meant to fucking be #Lost #Lost tv #Lost abc #Lost 2004 #Hurley #Hugo Reyes

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soap-is-an-artist · 8 days ago

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Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...

I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude

[SEVERE rambling in tags]

#ouww it hurts!! it hurts!!! this is the stuff you're supposed to leave for angst fic writers not make canon in an alt universe?? ERIK PLEASE #i hate the whole entire world right now. genuinely cannot speak to anyone normally for the next 3-4 business days.#I have no one irl to rant to about this FUCK im stranded. im quarantined. im being held against my will free meee #The irl friend i have who knows anything at all about redacted only knows freelancer s1 i cannot drop this bigass plot on them #Genuinely i might start going mad out of repression. Erik writing “hope you enjoy” in the desc as if that wasnt the most painfully torturou #experience I've ever had in my life. The fucking inevitability. I knew Echo was going to pull some shit. IM JUST GLAD VIN AND FL ARE OK #they were NOT the turning point just let them live their cabin in the woods fantasy for however long they can okay...#Also I kinda love imp!vega. not the biggest fan of prime bc of the whole child beating situation but i sure loved this guy.#really knew what he was talking about when it came to revolutions and stuff. Like he's good. no disrespect to avior but vega did good #and he was so gentle with his partner which i find more appealing than torture but that's just me. that's just me i get it #And uh. speaking of that. Imp!sam. Yeah i get why some of yall are goin wild over him and i wish i could say i shared the sentiment but hes #too scary im weak like that. when i know a bastard would simply kill me without a care im just not into that yknow? or maybe you dont #Glad we got twisted gay damihux at the end though MUAHAJAJA that's one of the only redeeming lights that kept me alive #FUCKKKK SHIT FU K SJIT DAM ASHERS ENTIRE SCENE WITH BRACJIUM GOD HELP ME. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN #he's so fucking sad!!! he just wants his husband back!!! HE WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK!!!!!!#No even I don't understand how it's possible to get this attached to characters. I don't know. Im in deep shit.#Is this the end for me? Is my life over? These are the questions I have today. I probably just need to sleep because again #it's 7:30 in the morning. but regardless. These characters mean so much to me and this silly anthology has pulled emotions out of #me that i am terrified of feeling [survivors guilt hits me right in the fucking heart] and im scared. of what? don't know #That little shit Echo was right about one thing. It may not be real but the emotional damage it caused me is real. AND IRREPARABLE #redacted audio #redacted asmr #redacted imperium #redacted imp!asher #redacted echo #redacted imp!vega #redacted imp!sam #redacted vindemiator #tired of tagging. hitting the pillow. good night.

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oh-meow-swirls · 9 months ago

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was looking through old posts and i'm surprised to see that i seemingly didn't have any commentary on anything in 3 in chapter 7, 8 or 9, the posts related to 3's story go from "my first reaction when i saw yopple-bot was 'i love you. but also you are definitely the boss for this chapter-'" to "i have been in hell all day. hell being bada-bing tower." funny to me cuz those chapters are like, the best ones sdfkljsdfjfsdkjlfsdjkl-

#puppy rambles #yo-kai watch #yw3 #i love dukesville. yo-kai watch wild west. though also everyone in bbq talks like they're in the wild west-#i don't blame myself for not having any commentary on hazeltine mansion tbh. it sucks ass. i mean it's kind of fun but like #god is it annoying. i think using the mechanic of switching between nate and hailey for puzzles is a cool idea but. bad execution #very bad execution. it is so annoying #especially the section where you're in the basement and have to use the drill a bunch #... why are there prison cells in the basement anyways??????? i just realized how fucking weird that is-#i'm mostly just annoyed by the dining room puzzle tbh. i KNOW the fucking answers but verygoodsir is an ASSHOLE for some reason #and won't let me choose the FUCKING CORRECT DOORS #3's so fucking amazing tbh. i really wanna replay it soon. don't wanna have to delete a save file though #wish 3 had three save files like 1 and 2. i get why though i mean it's the biggest 3ds game klsfdjfskjfsdjksdf-#i wanna like. actually use my originyan for once. i might just end up using nyases ii instead tho fsdkljjdsfjskd-#i love every chapter in 3 after nate and hailey meet tbh. the bestie moments are so good #though also i don't think it was an amazing idea tbh. it means there's six main characters after that point #sometimes one character will go several cutscenes without talking at all. it's usually buck #he doesn't have any dialogue during any of the key quests in new yo-kai city. which is pretty amusing admittedly #i think the writers just forgot about him or something fslkdjdfslkjfsdljkdf-#i think my favorite thing related to that is like. during the stuff in bada-bing tower komasan and komajiro are there too #but they don't have any dialogue. which makes it seem kind of pointless #i get why they're there plot-wise but like. at that point you should either have them leave before you go to bada-bing tower #(esp since they don't end up in the ufo with everyone else. idr if there's a reason for that there probably isn't-)#(i think i slightly blocked out everything in bada-bing tower cuz it is so grueling)#or just. give them dialogue???#i love 3 and all but it definitely has some problems-#which is why i'm so excited to rewrite it <3 for both of those reasons. i can fix things. and also it's the best game #just. full-stop. not just the best yo-kai watch. i just think it's the best game ever #that title changes based on my current biggest hyperfixation though sfldfsjdkslfdjkfdj-#i think i'd say my overall top 5 is like. yo-kai watch 3. deltarune. ummmm. fantasy life is up there

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moe-broey · 1 year ago

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Felt. Compelled (to take a break and revisit some sketches 🫡)

The second pic is an older sketch, the rest are all part of the same sketchdump! And. I think it shows. How resting is always on my mind w them LMFAOO the curled up poses are damn near identical........ 🧍

#fire emblem #feh #i have like. intricate hcs about it. intricate rituals......#can two extremely touch adverse motherfuckers find comfort in casual intimacy. discuss.#HUGE hc for alfonse i can't remember if i've ever talked about but like. overall he's touch adverse #but when he does touch it's desperate. clinging. ect.#also moe is 100% cat coded in this context. do NOT touch. unless if i lay on you first. and even then.#i may still have to kill you about it sorry man. only i'm allowed to touch.#i have.... one million casual intimacy thoughts..........#biggest most important hc is both being used to being intimate waay before like. anything remotely romantic occurs.#like. yes alfonse is touch adverse but also when you're on some fucking journey or mission. you gotta stay warm at night.#also a hc i have is communial bathing is standard in askr. so like. a lot of things are just normal actually.#and not at all charged. just necessary or the norm.#in some areas moe adjusts surprisingly quickly. in others moe is fighting for its fucking life.#fe alfonse #moe tag #summoner oc #my art

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ominous-faechild · 6 months ago

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The sheer amount of "it's almost like they can {exactly what they can do}..." "jokes" I want to have the characters unknowingly make is ridiculous. Like, they're so close to figuring it out! But they're like "nah, I've never heard of magic like that, that's ridiculous!"

And little do they know.

Seriously, though, how much is too much? Can I please sneak it in, like, a hundred times without people getting suspicious? Please?

I think I'm soooooo funny with it, obviously.

PS... read the tags.

@darkandstormydolls @illarian-rambling

#this definitely isn't about Gene btw #Gene himself doesn't even know he has magic; but when he meets Tazin (comma) Tazin is almost immediately like “kid wtf kinda magic is that?#They (aka just Tazin because Gene's just like “wdym it's not normal?”) conclude that he has “sensory magic” and move on lmao.#I mean it's better than earlier drafts of the story where Gene OBVIOUSLY had other stuff going on and they're just all “nah; no magic here!#Btw all this stuff with Gene is 100% supposed to reflect / be reminiscent of those times where neurodiverse people are like #“I've lived with this my whole life thinking everyone else had this exact experience and you're telling me that's NOT NORMAL????”#Which btw is an experience I've had a lot myself; I was only diagnosed with autism as an adult and there's a lot of fun things about that.#So anyway Gene's neurodiverse coded in basically every single way LMAO! (Because y'know he's also autistic.)#I mean he's not the only one where his magic has hints littered all over the place to the point where other characters suspect it but like #yeah he's definitely the biggest perpetrator haha.#Kid thinks his only magic is “sensory magic” (which uh... I mean I GUESS you're technically using magic for that shit???#But it's a mix of that and HELLO AUTISM SENSITIVITY TO SOUND!!!) and yeah it's nowhere even close to that haha.#the faechild speaks #the faechild speaks in tags!#the arcane rifts #sun and shadow #gene the amnesiac #tazin the theater kid #foreshadowing #dramatic irony #original works #plot twist #plot twists #fantasy #fantasy world #fantasy worldbuilding #magic #my writing #writing comedy #writing struggles

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the-tenth-arcanum · 1 year ago

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my dad wishes me a happy valentine's day every single year and I used to find it a bit cringe but now I'm like "I am loved 🥺💕"!!! I'm getting old

#you don't understand we're both two emotionally closed off people #we don't do love declarations #I even struggle to say “I love you” to my parents like its not something I do #(no we don't have time to unpack this)#but every now and again my dad will send me texts like #“I love you more than anything in the world” “you're so smart you're so beautiful”#“you deserve all the good things in life”#literally my biggest cheerleader #I think we all need this kind of energy in our lives #personal #*

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kittlyns · 8 months ago

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A hard pill for me to swallow lately has been that, despite everything, I'm probably the best version of myself that could've existed. And that's not really a comforting thought.

#it's a special kind of doomed imo.#every other path most likely led to something worse #maybe it's pessimistic to think of it that way. maybe I should be more grateful that it isn't worse #but it's hard to find that within me atm #the best of bad outcomes doesn't mean good. it doesn't mean I'm happy.#it just means every other option would have been more miserable. and it's disheartening to think like that ofc #and I know the logic is flawed. but I know myself and even with the advantages I have I'm unable to make anything of myself #had I chosen differently it would only be worse. I'd still be impoverished. I'd still be depressed.#I might just also be stuck in a cult and married w kids in the middle of fucking nowhere wisconsin on top of it all #<- that's the worst case scenario. probably. really hard to say #biggest bullet I've dodged yet tho. completely unintentionally too.#another hard pill to swallow: sometimes the things we want the most WILL ruin your life and it's a blessing when it falls through #unfortunately you don't get to know this until years later #as you watch your ex best friend marry a man almost 2x her age and birth kids she never wanted into this world #and then you're like OHHHH that would've been my fate... I get it now 😐#still. there's no relief in the realization because while you would've been miserable w a shitty husband and 3 or 4 kids #you are in fact still miserable without them. but oh well.#I would say 'anyways. I just need to go to the beach.' but honestly. I haven't felt the desire to do anything at all lately.#we're past the point of letting the sand and waves heal me. we're almost past the point of needlessly venting online!#there's so much I usually would vent about here but I have hardly had the urge to do so.#I'm just tired. life has drained me dry. my heart aches constantly and I barely know why

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sunrise-on-the-shore · 11 months ago

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temporarily back with one post. i am not ready to fully come back.

all the stuff you need to know about the future of this blog are in the tags.

#sunrise thoughts #after i thought a lot i made multiple choices #i am still going to post about dsmp #i am still going to post about cwilbur #dsmp has been my biggest special interest ever #and i cannot move on from cwilbur in a day or week #i obviously won't talk about the cc anymore duh and to me the cc and c are extremely disconnected from each other #i will do all my screaming and kicking and nasty emotional stuff in private #i got fucking blasted by the consequences of forming a parasocial relationship!! ouagh!!!!#if you're uncomfortable following me for my dsmp posting you can obviously unfollow me i completely understand<3 #i will be tagging everything with my usual tags and you can filter them all you want if you decide to stay for other things! and uh—#i am so proud of shelby for speaking about something so terrifying and painful and i wish them the absolute best #i hope they will find a wonderful support system and get all the help they need and want and recover in a good safe environment.#(now back to blog related things haha!!)#i will try to be more multi fandom #you will still see from me a lot of minecraft smp silliness!!!#uhhh i'm talking qsmp life series and hermitcraft stuff!! (i'm gonna check season 10 very soon!)#as for non related minecraft things uhhh idk yet!!!#(btw don't expect me to reblog posts about the situation because the subject itself is so fucking uncomfortable for me)#(i am myself a victim of abuse [very different type but yeagh] + i am a mess atm for many different reasons)#(remember to always believe victims and such. [you probably heard the whole talk from people who are so much better at words than me #so i won't repeat things in a badly worded way]#anyway #(i am so sorry that this whole thing is messily written and in a bad order i am writing everything at like past 4 am)#(and i really really don't want to go back and rewrite tags in the right order)#(but yeah. erm.)#this is all you will hear from me for a while #take care everyone

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hehosts-moved · 2 years ago

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@ottermelonart really is such a phenomenal artist, and i'm not just saying that because we're married, i'm saying that because it's true

#the amount of time and effort and also natural eye that's been honed for years #all the extra things and research and time and just all of that has shown in her work over the years #and it's only going to get better and she was already the best when we met when we were 19 and we're 30 now #this is also to say just keep going you're not supposed to be the biggest hit at 20 years old you gotta build your craft and experiences #and try a bit of everything and do what you love and just know that if you're meant to do it it will happen #but seeing all the hard work she puts in is just incredibly and i am so lucky to have an artist in my life like her #not just an artist a person of course but speaking artistically only i personally feel i have the best artist in my life and i love her #not just for the love i have for her as a spouse but the inherent admiration i have for her as a person #no one can do it quite like otter imo #also im sorry but where else can you get a commission at that quality for $55 you tell me for a full commission #a watercolor for $65?? an animation for $65? really??#that's a literal STEAL #im sorry but seriously the prices are also insane bc she is insane and i love that about her

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haarute · 2 years ago

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reading posts about people noticing things that you do being its own form of love, and then thinking that the thought of being perceived at all is actually terrifying to me because i cannot imagine a situation where that wouldn't be a criticism of my person. and the realization that this is not supposed to be the case is wild to me lmao.

#for context: i just saw a post that was about someone singing again while cooking after a period of depression #and their roommate being glad that there's singing once again and the place isn't silent anymore. and how this is a sign of people caring.#people enjoying your presence.#but i would feel HORRIFIED if someone told that to me.#because it is impossible for me to think that isn't a negative comment.#not necessarily because i think the other person would be mean-spirited. but because i genuinely don't see a lot of good in myself.#and i cannot possibly believe anyone would think things about me in a positive light because negatives are all that there is to think about #it's just a fact of life that i am annoying or whatever. none of us should make a big deal out of it. just leave me alone please.#this is also why i don't really take compliments. i am Averse to people who keep complimenting me.#i've been flirted on by excessive compliments and i'm like lmao you're only distancing yourself from your goal further and further #but like. i am learning that while this is such an ingrained part of my being since i was a child #maybe it's not normal to feel this way Actually.#you know i keep saying my sister has done irreparable damage to my psyche but the more i think about it the more true it becomes lmao #not that she's at fault alone. but like. she's probably the biggest offender.#anyway. there's a lot of things fundamental to my person that i'm starting to question only recently #and i don't know if there's any fixing other than like. forcibly removing all of the parts that i don't like.#because i don't think there's any convincing for me. i am pretty stubborn after all.#so we'll see how this develops. bleh.

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