#you wont even fucking CALL ME BACK
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THIS THING IS SCUUUFFED AS HELL & ITS ALSO THE BEST THING I HAVE ANIMATED THUS FAR. IM SO IN LOVE WITH EMIZEL. JUST WISH I GAVE HIM MORE STUPID TATTOOS. NEXT TIME THO. NEXT TIME. I ALSO LOVE VEX&VIV SOOOO MUCH. charlies flavor of Deranged is my FAVORITE!!
#cw gore#jrwi fanart#THE SQUIRMING IMAGE#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#ACTULY FINISHED THIS A WHILE AGO. kept going back n forth between trying to work on it more or call it done#in the end i chose DONE!! i worked on this for a full day n a half. NO idea what possesed me but it is NOT happenin again anytime soon#i shall do better NEXT TIME!! in the meantime tho OH MY GOOOOOD WHO WANTS TO SCREAM ABT THE SUCKENING WITH ME#THE FUCKINNN THE FUCKIN THING WITH VEX N VIV BEING THE SHADOW LEADERS OF THE FANGS/DEMONS#OH MMYY GOOOODDD THATS THEIR LIL MEAT GENERATOR... THTS SO FUCKED UP AND COOL UUUGHHH I LOVE THEM...#THEIR FLAVORE IS SO WONDERFUL. I LOOOVE HOW SILLY THEY ARE. MAKING PUNS WHILE PULLIN A SCREAMING VICTIM APART#vex n his lil fashiony art workshop and viv n her sterile n clean doctors office#i bet she doesnt even HAVE a medical liscense. it would be funny if vex did tho. could u imagine#they main MEDIC in tf2 together. viv is the battlemedic while vex only pocket medics for her. COULD U IMAGINE#guh i could go on abt these two forever n ever n ever i LOVE THEMM i gotta draw em more....#OH ALSO before i run outa room. i should say. i took inspiration from a tf2 animation called POOTIS ENGAGED#the animator. Ceno0. uses black bars in the action sequences in SUCH A COOL WAYYY everytime i watch that video i feel inspired#oneday ill make more complex fight scenes... one day....#in the meantime UGHHH I LOVE THE SUCKENING SO MUUUCH CAN I JUST FUCKIN SAAAYY THAT I THINK EMIZEL IS A SMART COOKIE!!#THESE PPL FUCKING FEAR HIM NOW!!! 'SHAMIA SHAMI' IS NOW THEIR MORTAL ENEMY!! POWERFUL ILLUSIONIST. CANT DIE.#THAT PART AT THE END THERE WHERE HE FUCKIN. KILLS HIMSELF INFRONTA THEM. THATS SO AWESOME. THATS SO METAL. AND THEN HE COMES BACK!!#I WATCHED EP 7 ASWELL BUT I WONT SPOIL IT HERE. BUT OMYGOD. EMIZEL IS SO COOL AND CAPABLE N SMART N FUNNY N UGHHHHHH I LOVE HIMMMMM#OKAY THATS MY RAMBLE FOR THE DAY THANKYOU FOR READING. I READ ALL TAGS SO YOU SHOULD RAMBLE TOO. IF YOU WANT. IF YOU CAN.
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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You know what? I'm not done.
The fact y'all white mogais fought tooth and nail to not have to put white in your bios or somewhere readily available was actually insane and confirms my already existing theory that some of you think once you have a certain amount of kins, f/os, irls, mental illnesses, xenogenders, orientation modifiers, alters and neopronouns, you lose white privilege and it absolutely shows that you do not lose that privilege exclusively because y'all have become pretty consistent white saviors lmao
Like y'all literally cried about it being too identifiable about you and being the same as doxxing like you weren't already sharing with everyone the exact percentages of your orientation attraction, age, state you live in, public name, like... I have to wonder hard how many of y'all participate in anti-racism activism to be an ally, actually understand why certain things are actually racist and help POC and how many of you exclusively do it to look better to other (white) activists and ease your white guilt.
Now y'all aren't even including byi/stance pages on top of a total lack of dni and wonder why radqueer beliefs are seeping in and every new term is basically transabled under a different name. I called it when I first saw this new batch pop up and I'm saying it now, they have their radqueer blogs with their radqueer content that you have blocked and they have their other blog named something like prxncxss-of-nxght or something with $50 worth of custom lazy caard graphic edits with needy streamer girl and 17 titles but no public stances for all their normal xenogender content. You didn't fight it so there they are. They ain't saying shit. Hell, no one said shit when ra/diomo/gai litterally reblogged a word for word transabled term. "Internal self" you realize that's just flowery language right? Like the creator themselves already said that it applied "to the soul and not the physical form". Please read a room. "#disability"? Are you actually fucking kidding me? No one batted an eye?
I don't think the community is dead because I don't follow a lot of big names anymore or because a lot of big names have deactivated, y'all just stopped caring and moved on despite all these beliefs you said you cared about. I don't really care, I've pretty much known from day one that a majority of the community is literally just full of shit about all these 8 paragraph basic feminism posts and vents crying about racism from fully white people.
I'm not someone to rip someone apart publicly for being what they say they are, then there's no need, but lieing about it? Damn, at least be shitty honestly.
Don't harass me, the creator of that term or ra/diom/og/ai over this. Just block and move on, I'm not having some public drama back and forth over a clearly transabled term.
#clover speaks#no one said a word#no call out no notes calling it what it is coiner is a literal radqueer#like yall dont care and even though i knew it im just glad i dont have to pretend to believe ur activism claims anymore#you wonder where i went i went back to my art back to things that make me happy#this community may be less trigger happy but now they are snuggling up to radqueers just like i predicted#i knew it was gonna happen and i knew the community would just keep going and its why i hooped off this train years ago#despite yalls claims of being critical inclusionists and wanting to educate instead of hate ive seen this all happen before#the inclusionist vs exclusionist saga didnt die because one side beat the other#a fuck ton of inclusionists became map supporters over night and all the exclusionists just lost interest and moved on#this is what will continue to happen to every movement the ultra progressives on this site create until you grow a backbone#yall are so scared of invalidating someone who is genuinely harmful that youve become the thing you claimed you hate#ive clocked multiple terms that were ableist or interphobic but because yall never make any effort to actually listen to us#you've allowed radqueers to basically indoctrinate you while the rest of us watch you zombie shuffle onwards#youve liberalpilled inclusionmaxxed ur way into the fucking sun#im not coming with yall yall have fun but im not going to smile to ur face and pretend you even remotely have disabled and intersex peoples#best interests at heart#the community has always been ableist#the community has always been racist#the community has always been interphobic#it wont change until any of you can accept that just cause you feel some way in passing dosent mean its a valid identity#even if its not in passing its still not inherently morally neutral#I'll keep being me but like literal transabled terminology is seeping in and its hitting the worst of us first but yall have never listened#so not shocking nor surprising that no one caught this and thus did not say shit#yall love to scream that your moderate personality disorder is the same as my severe autism and subsequent mental disability are the same#every july but you sure dont give a single shit when someone pretends to have our condition and makes up a word and throws some pantones on#a png and calls it valid#grow a backbone or continue being the laughing stock of the disability community i aint helping either way
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????????????????
#this girl from my old theatre group who doesnt really like me goes to my school and glares at me when i pass her sometimes#today i was getting books from my locker and she sees me and literally goes >:( like her entire face screws up. which. like. Fine.#and tells me they've replaced me with another girl and im like ? ok#kind of a weird ass thing to say bc its a theatre group so Obviously. you know.#but ik how dramatic she gets so whatever. doesnt really bother me at this stage#besides the girl she was talking abt '''replacing''' me is literally nice. i mean yeah ive met her once but she seemed super nice#anyway the girl today asked if i was joining back and i was trying to be polite but vague so i said like haha ill try#and she was like “YOU WONT TRY” and called me “so rude” . which atp i had gotten my books but .?? hello??? (have you seen yourself)#and i just. i fucking. i need to be a hater for a second ok she is so getting on my nerves rn#WHY DO YOU CAREEE you do not like me. you did not like me when i saw u every thursday. and clearly u like me even less now.#also not helping the fact that i wonder if yall shit talk me before class sometimes. plus youre not in my year youre literally a senior#<- meaning we see each other like a couple times every term since most of your classes are on a different floor anyway.#and you are painfully committed to giving me scornful looks and comments every single time it's fucking annoyingg GET OVER YOURSELF#another person in that class who also goes to our school smiled & waved at me at the bus stop so. Maybe It's Just You!#im just like. ugh. why do you keep asking me to come back. pissing me off fr. makes me want to come back less actually.#anyway#ok im done.
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this white woman is threatening to call the police on me after she fucking sprayed bathroom cleaner in my fucking face and lashed out and told her to fuck off
#i know she wont call the police because wtf are they gonna do? im not at home in literally going to class#and i wont get home until the evening but the fact that she's threatening me because she wanted me#to lash out is so evil im manifesting her death idgaf anymore!!!#incase ppl are wondering she was outside spraying the door for a hour and im like im not walking past her#incase she says i did something to her. but then im like nah im gonna be late if i dont leave now#incase she says i did something to her. so i close the door but because she has the front door open my door slams#so she screams 'dont slam the door' and im like it only slammed because of the wind#and then im waiting for her to move and she won't so i just tell her i need to get past and she's like fuck off you piece of shit#and i just get riled up like don't fucking talk to me all i did was tell you i need to get past but you called me names#so im gonna do it back cause im not letting that slide. and she fucking sprays the cleaner at me#and then when im like what the fuck is your problem shes like i can get you arrested for being violent#and im like.... call them cause i haven't touched you 🤷🏾♀️ shes been dying to say that to me i know it#that low life penny smelling pile of white flesh will get whats coming to her i say she drop dead soon!#the reason why she was claiming i was being violent was because i kicked the air as a reflex response....#i didnt kick her. i kicked the air but shes going to run with that
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i will genuinely never understand my dad!!! and i feel guilty for being confused and angered by him!!!! i don't know what he wants and i doubt i ever will
i guess he's known that he's had cancer for over a month now but never told me. and i dont know if it's because he wanted me to reach out/pay attention to him, as he's done in the past or if he just didn't think to, or if it's some other third mysterious reason that i can't think up
we aren't close since he was rarely in my life but i feel like that's something you tell your kid.
and the only reason i found out is because i went to go check and see why he hadn't replied to my message about asking if he wanted to hang out for the thousandth time without getting a response
#[static]#he tells me 'kid im gonna change i miss you i love you we need to hang out more im sorry that i wasnt around'#and then when we try and make plans it's like pulling teeth to get him to follow through#and sure there's been a couple of times in my life where ive had to back out of plans with him but like .....#we're talking less times than i have fingers on one hand in 30 years lol meanwhile he disappears for years without a word regularly#i thought we got somewhere last year when i decided to reach out after i stopped talking to him#we're both adults and we're busy but i somehow manage to have regular scheduled dnd games with 4 other adults twice a month#and i cant get my biological father who claims to want to know me reply to a message#and i know i know i know he's got his own demons and battles but i s2g it's just Frustrating because i dont know what he wants from me#i dont fuck with indecision and i dont like not knowing where i stand with someone#i know that he wont reach out to people in hopes they 'care enough' about him to do it#but like dude .......... SHOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME TOO WTF#i want to be unendingly compassionate to him since he's gotta figure out what he's gonna do regarding his throat cancer#but like ..... what am i supposed to do with this lmao he saw my message and didn't reply and maybe he's busy#but he also didnt reply to any of my other messages asking to make time to see each other#but then he called me this summer to see if i was in town when he was there (and i wasn't and it was out of the blue)#he also posted a lowkey transphobic comedy sketch on his page which is weird because that's not really his politics but also he's old#and i can just hear exactly what he'd say about it if i tried to even bring it up to him ever#idk what he wants from me but i sometimes think even he doesn't know#i think we missed our time to mend things into something that makes sense#anyways sorry for the vent into the void i just got new information and dealing with stuff about my dad is always difficult#i have rarely felt wanted by him and have never felt seen for who i am either
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WE HAVE TO FUCKING NORMALIZE PEOPLE WITH PERSONALITY DISORDERS AAA (runs into oncoming traffic)
#wow this person is fucking terrible. how can we help them--#--be happier and not hurt people?#watchnig some good videos on deconstructing the current content mill trends#neither of them gets into the psychological stuff tho#and sometimes often comes off saying “dont call random people the evil pd that a) isnt real or b) is ACTUAL dangerous”#one vid even had someone underneath saying “ah this makes me feel better as someone with npd traits”#and then the replies are trying to save their damn soul#PEOPLE HAVE ISSUES AND PROBLEMS#THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE NARCISSISTS AND THEY ARE SHITTY AND MEAN AND NASTY#as the incredibly professional language of the dsm will tell you#the point is that they are people!!!#“worst person you know” disorder is real to some effect because there are people who act like shit because of whatever is going on for them#the point and what psychiatric and common language should orient to is#IT WONT BE EXORCISMS OR TRIGGERING THEIR TRAUMAS IT WILL BE COMPLEX ENGAGEMENT WITH THEM#not for everyone cause yes these people can be draining assholes who hurt you but we need to build a society that will care for them!!!!#if you ever think of a group of people whom you strongly dislike interacting iwth personally and your thought is to socially sanction or--#--“remove them”. brother get it together#they deserve a service that respects them and their complexity and will let them live their damn lives in some form of piece#what is that solution -- very complex. ill get back to you once ive earned my doctorate#BUT WE NEED TO FUCKING HELP PEOPLE EVEN IF THEY ARE TERRIBLE!!!!!!#psychology stuff#PDs#mental health#shut the heck up#tag talking
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crazy how i have no one
#like yes i have my internet friends and i adore them ofc#but i have no fucking one irl#and i mean no one. my mom’s side of the family is all dead and the other side is uber christian and doesnt give a fuck about us#i only have my brother#and i need help and support so horribly bad but i wasnt there for him when he needed me#so why the hell should he be there for me. he shouldnt#im going to have to rely on myself this time and i cant do that#i dont trust or believe in myself whatsoever#i think im fucking horrible and useless and repulsive#and idk how to be nice to myself bc ive never felt that and i dont know how to self soothe#i dont have the energy physically or mentally or emotionally to learn#and idk what to lean on anymore if i want to quit abusing substances#realized recently how much i do that.#and for how long. a decade. ive been acting like a 13 yo this whole time#idk how to move past and grow up. god i absolutely need to see my therapist again. if she’ll have me#i fear ill be rejected tho ive left and came back several times and last time she said ‘ofc ill take you back youre my person’#whatever that means. ive been an anomaly to every therapist/psych ive been to apparently they all mention how weird i am and how they cant#figure me out. like damn me too doc!#i want to email her so bad but i wont be able to see her until my insurance goes thru and i dont want to get free labor out of her if i dump#all the trauma ive sustained since i last saw her on her yw#but i want to get better i dont want to live like this anymore i cant do it#any of it#my coping mechanisms are all self destructive and i want to grow past that#but i need help and i dont have it. not really#whatever i guess. first step call and see wtfs going on w my insurance#i feel like i need help even for that . i feel so utterly incapable of everything snd i always have#i can do it. i can do it
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holy shit change of plan. no more fucking around this month I have been asked to be Back on My Bullshit
#bakuspeech#and by that I mean: Raph is calling me back to draw another character card for The Zone RPG#FAQ: will this have consequences on my hands? probably yeah#am I going to do it? yeah#what does this mean for the ink stuff? well. Im gonna be honest with you guys. thats gonna have to be next month#after this one I will need a Serious break for my hands. so I wont be drawing digitally for a while after anyway#lol I think the world is conspiring to force me to write for three months again. this happened last year also remember those three months#well! whatever will come will come. and what's arrived now is This. and listen. no way in hell am I letting this one go#I saw the full character spread. its pretty fucking good. and now there are More#so uh! thats what happened to me on this evening. and thats the plan for at least the rest of the month#see u guys on the other side! thank u for hangin out with me thru the last over a year of insane baku art turbulences#have a good mermay eat a fish and be wet
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Siri how do i stop the cycle without doing these bitchass tiny steps
#lamenting because i was so close to being normal and then i fucking lost it and gained nearly 100 lbs#and i cant get back to where i was i just ...... aaaaaaaaaaaaa#im so much more mentally fucked now so its harder#but thats all excuses right?#and then theres me being like am i even saying that bc i know its what people want to hear#or do i actually believe it? and is there even a difference if i know its true but i dont believe it?#does it even fucking matter just stop shoveling garbage in your mouth ffs#is the real answer here but I AM STRUGGLING#im looking into wls but i know if i dont get my emotional and bored eating under control that shit WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR ME#hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng#im just mad bc i have to fucking grocery shop#which always leads me to being pissed about this fuckass cycle#bitch call me mauville town the way i have cycles#god i can recognize the cycle which all tthe therapists will be like good on you!! :D and im like great. how do i break it#and then theyll say ten thousand small steps BITCH IM DYING I NEED DRASTIC CHANGE#BUT THEN IT WONT STICK AND ILL REVERT BACK TO WHERE I AM#but i did it drastically the first time and it wouldve stuck if i hadnt fucking lost it and ended up in the ward#im not a small steps kind of guy i need to wake up and fix shit and stick to it#but listen to me i am dean maniacally speaking to sam.gif#i buy all these stupid ass healthy foods and i have all these good ideas and reciepes and im legit pumped#and then i fuck it up and order food thats awful for me and then i give the hell up#which is an easy problem to fix. i know.#i can simply just....... not do that#but i swear i am struggling which pisses me off so bad#like you wouldnt struggle if youd quit being a stupidass and just did the damn thing#god i am not gonna do well on my psych evaulation#im gonna end up turning it into therapy and im gonna rage and the lady is gonna be like :D................. you need ten more visits#and youre getting denied at the end of them so get fucked#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#charlie am i losing my GODDAMN MIND? IF ITS GONE WHERE WILL I FIND.. IT?
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The thing is that Light Yagami is actually one of my favorite characters of all time, I just don't say it a lot cause I don't want people getting the wrong idea that I agree with him or think he's in the right. He's not, and he sucks, but he does have a depth in the same vein as L that fascinates me, and tbh if I hadn't watched DN for the first time when I was 12 maybe I'd feel different but like. He definitely influenced my taste in characters iirevocably going forward.
#you wanna know why i was Like That about the hellhoppers and hoffstrahm and pretty much every shit character ive liked?? blame light#he came first#idk man DN as a series just gets me every time#like light sucks so bad and the whole story is a great commentary on how a guy with power like a police chiefs son can have ideals warped-#-and do horrid things in the name of some so called justice that he has no right to execute#but in the manga at least it also is made clear he does it because when he meets ryuk he realizes theres no Grand consequence for those-#-first deaths he caused. hes not damned and no one cares about it#so if he isnt getting punished well. then not enough of it is happening and he has to be judge jury executioner to make up for it if even-#-the afterlife or shinigami wont do it#the idea that he'll take on a burden he has No right to bare and it just is so wholely consuming that theres no coming back from it#mixed with also meeting someone thru it who also is finally his intellectual equal and therefore hes not Bored anymore#which makes it even harder to quit. because then thatd disappear from his life and thered be no purpose or meaning#idk man it Fucks Me Up#light gets what he deserves in the end and god if he didnt earn it the entire way there#kief rambles about death note
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so frustrating when you wanna be someone's friend and they just are not cooperating. I'M INTERESTED IN YOU AS A PERSON. PLEASE INTERACT WITH ME.
#literally don't even care if you ever ask me anything about myself#i just wanna know about you#stop directing the conversation back to work please#we dont even work together anymore and somehow he still manages to always make the conversation about work#if i bring up something else by text he will literally ignore it and just answer the stuff about work#and on the phone he just manages to shut stuff down so quickly unless it's about work and then he has follow up questions and everything#and it's not that he wants me to go away because he's telling me to stay in touch and keep him updated#and that he'll send me links to help with getting a good phd and restaurant recommendations#and so WHY wont he talk to me about anything else#literally something as simple as how his weekend was#he wont tell me#he just blanks the question and asks about whatever work related thing i'm calling about#fucking frustrating man#i wanna hang out with yooouuuuuuu#tell me about your day please#he must just wanna keep our relationship very strictly professional but it's so odd to me to have the boundary be like this#to the extent of not even being replying when i ask how he is like that's insane#surely it's still within the realm of professional to ask how someone's weekend was#it's just hurting my brain because he seems to care about me so much in a work sense and is making sure that im doing what is best for me#and he looks out for me#so it cant be that he really dislikes me THAT much surely????
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smooching ur art rn
-🍲
Aaaah! 😎 thank u dude
#the art wont smooch back but you can have this lemon scented scratch n sniff sticker. its got a sun wearing shades#what is that. is that just a pot of food. is it soup? what is that#ur going under.... fuck man#🍲 anon#ig??#i was gonna call u souper bowl anon but thats a lil too usamerican even for me#not art#asks
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mmaster hcief
#personal! ok idk why but i am in such a bad fucking mood after realizing that yet another year has passed where my father hasnt like.#really ??? cared ??? i dont know man my parents are taking me out to eat but i didnt get a text or a call or anything#like man i know im not the one thats ur blood child but come on i remember yours and wish you every year :(#my mom only really remembered when i showed up and jokingly was like “ey next time you see me ill be a whole year older”#this week has sucked so bad brother i hope it wont set the tone for the next year LKHL:D:FLGHK#happy birthday more like KILL YOURSELF INSTANTLY POTION#god only like my friends and two family members remembered im realizing. fuuuuuuuuuck. not even the people i live with minus my fiance#i only exist to these people when its time to talk behind somebodys back brother#maybe i drive my car into a tree tomorrow ^_^ in theory itd be good for me but at the end of the day if these people didnt care when i went#to the fucking mental ward for plotting to kill myself i doubt theyd care if i bled out in a ditch either#they never called or visited they just picked me up and told me to never do that shit again#maybe i should have Not been born...............!#ermmm#personal#vent#i guess. idk. just so if people have those tags blocked itll get filtered or whatever#i probably shouldnt just throw this out into the wild but i dont want to directly bother anybody i know rn idk.
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Suddenly so stressed about everything 👍
#grandpa said he's probably gonna turn in his license soon#whicj good i agree he should. still haven't gotten mine though. if he does there goes getting a job. going anywhere. there goes my paychecks#for SIX months if I can even get my license. amd if he does get rid of it that means I legally csn only practice on the weekends when my d#ads here. in his truck. a thing you shouldn't practice in first time.#i just wont have money. I'll have to pay to go to work. to get home from work. to go to the store. eveything. i wont ever get out of here#and i can't get to the store to pick up my needles to do my shots. let alone to get to the clinic. everything was starting to look up for me#not to be pessimistic but I really fucking let myself think anything good would ever happen. and look what happened. what always happens to#me. it got pulled out from under me because I don't deserve it. don't deserve to be happy.#im never fucking leaving. I'm going to rot here. i csnt save myself. I'm useless. no place will hire me or even call back. i dont know why#i bother with it. i was so happy to transition finally and this just keeps happening to me. * ****** **** **** ** i dont see any reason *#* **** *****. *****'* ** ****** ***** *'* *****#elias.zip
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#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me#bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer#and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on !#unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. '#and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out#and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like#' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that#but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to???#and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand??#also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me '#or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever#and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance#which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away#like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!!#oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2#or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too '#and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs?#or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours#anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie?#so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again!#i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me#and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening????#anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me
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