#you wanna get adopted you little skank?

[fryandleelasbigfling]

hmmm. AU where leela gets adopted by mom in real life like she dreamed about in the second anthology of interest.

she would probably be old enough to still have suffered all the bullying and trauma at the orphanarium, but when she’s like 17 mom comes in, suited up in her business persona, to make a publicity stunt about “saving” and “fixing” an underprivileged “disfigured” orphan (of course she’d never adopt one of the small children, they’re disgusting little bastards and can’t help her one damn bit). 

leela is enthralled -- this is pretty much the daddy warbucks dream! sure, mom insists on leela getting surgery to get a second eye (not just a paraffin one this time, but a cybernetic eyeball that mom is testing to sell to the public) and is basically grooming leela to be a miniature version of herself with enough passive-aggression to ensure leela doesn’t believe she could succeed or be loved anywhere else, but as far as leela knows, this is what motherly love is!

she grows up with much more luxury than she ever had in canon, developing a bit of an ego and an apathic complacency towards mom’s amoral behavior, but still feels like something is missing. as she gets older and more competent at the company, she starts to catch on that mom is deliberately keeping her from succeeding her, as well as dissuading her from getting attached to anybody else (especially dating, jesus christ no, the last thing we need is more imbecilic men and helpless brats around the place, and besides, who would ever love you knowing what you used to be?). her brothers all resent her because mom at least shows some genuine attachment to leela, and they probably would have tried to kill her if they weren’t so hilariously incompetent. 

fry still freezes and unfreezes (closed loop of “the why of fry” aside) but leela doesn’t work at the cryolab. he may be chipped successfully cuz the other workers don’t take as much pity on him, but i’m not sure if he would be able to work for farnsworth legally as his role is technically “delivery boy” there. not sure if he’d meet bender the same way. leela would still know amy though, because she accompanies mom to many billionaire gatherings where the wongs also happen to be -- they’re situational friends, and amy doesn’t condescend leela the same way, but their upbringings prevent them from getting too honest or intimate. so they just smile and drink together. 

and then one day leela attends roboticon with mom, only for mom and farnsworth to cross paths and naturally get into a horrible squabble. but then farnsworth’s.... grandson? nephew? he says “uncle” but that can’t be right.... asks leela if she wants to hang out while their guardians are distracted, and well.... she’s more than a little curious to see how the other half lives.

[fae-redux]

im stuck on you

S: People usually find their soulmate by following their heart (the closer you are to your soulmate, the warmer you’ll feel). Remus has been pining for so long, he doesn’t know how to handle himself.

P: dukeceit

happy birthday, @littlemisschameleon!! it’s corona and i can’t give you a physical present so have some dukeceit soulmate au!! i hope you like it :D (here’s an ao3 link if yall like that formatting better)

***

Remus sends the letter because Roman’s teacher thinks a penpal will help him learn English. Also, because Roman thinks it’s stranger danger and won’t. 

If he gets kidnapped, at least there’s a chance for his heart to feel warmer whichever direction his kidnapper goes. Fact remains, he’s freezing and bored and he’d do pretty much anything to not be.

He neglects to say that in the letter. 

His penpal instead receives the gift of approximately two full pages of fun facts about different species of mushrooms and how fast they can decay different animals. It’s pretty well written, if he says so himself, and it’s all in English because he’s polite, not because it has to be.

Any who, Ms. Andrea says she’s not going to read the letters before they’re sent, and Roman is only required to send one at a time, so Remus signs it with his own name and lets it go.

He doesn’t expect the letter he gets back to be so nice.

His penpal’s name is Janus and he doesn’t like to eat mushrooms unless they’re in fried rice, but he loves how mushrooms look.

There are little mushroom doodles that line the bottom, along with a few snakes, which Janus goes on to say is because they’re his favorite animal because of the way they unhinge their jaws.

Remus has never wished to be in the same school as someone more.

***

The next letter they write to each other includes their emails, and Remus takes full advantage of it to send Janus all the deadliest snakes he’s found out about in the library, and includes a pain scale with human accounts of getting bitten.

Janus sends back a heart and fun facts about the deadliest octopi in the ocean. 

He feels his heart get slightly warmer when he hugs the monitor, and when he loudly proclaims he found his soulmate, he gets a laugh from Roman.

He asks him what his plan is here, and Remus tells him to shut his fuck and keep his nose out of it if he doesn’t want to get smacked.

***

When they’re old enough to have phones, they exchange cell numbers, and Remus gets daily updates instead of sporadic emails.

He finds out that Janus likes to dress a little more on the punk side and that he wants a million tattoos as soon as he’s old enough. Janus tells him about foster homes and how he thinks he might be sticking with one of the other kids he met who is a little older than him, but is sort of like him. 

Janus is smart, smarter than anyone he’s ever met in real life, and he wants to go to law school because he knows he can talk his way out of hell if the devil asked him to try, and Remus is inclined to believe he could do it if he wanted to. He thinks through all his words, his every movement, ten times before he follows through, unlike Remus’ zero-thought policy.

He learns that Janus likes boys, but there aren’t really other people in his hometown like him, and that he wants to study in a big city someday so he’s not so alone. 

He learns that Janus wants to keep talking to him forever, or at least that’s what he tells him.

Remus in turn tells him about his brother, and their origin story. He tells him about how everyone else just seemed to have grown out of curiosity and how he feels out of touch with other people his age sometimes. 

There’s still a part of him that feels like he’s been touching all the stars in the sky, but none of them have set his orbit quite right, leaving him drifting endlessly.

He tells him that he might like boys too, but he doesn’t really want to tell his mom because she already rags on him for everything else, like wanting to go to art school and his knife collection and how he’ll never meet his soulmate with an attitude like his. 

He doesn’t tell him about the small seed of doubt in the back of his head that Janus won’t want to stay if he ever meets him in real life. 

He tells him he wants to keep talking forever too.

***

They don’t ever talk about meeting in person. For the first time in their lives, they’re in the same city, but every time he goes to bring it up, seeing a picture of Janus in the financial district, or near his favorite Starbucks, something makes him hesitate. 

Remus wants it so bad, it feels like all the air in his lungs isn’t real sometimes, or like something cut up his insides then spooned all the pieces out to replace them with ice. Still, the thought lingers in the back of his mind that Janus hasn’t suggested it for a reason. 

They still talk all the time though, whether it's to rant about professors, or homework, or siblings, or just about something they saw recently.

Janus tends to hyperfocus on cases he works on in his internship sometimes, and when he’s allowed, he tells Remus all the gory details and grins when he revels in the fun, while also giving valuable insight that contributes to his defense.

Remus in turn sends him the paintings that don’t involve Janus’ face and stupid selfies he takes at random food carts around school that are rumored to give you instant food poisoning. 

He makes sure to send progress updates on the projects he really feels good about and sends him updates on Roman and his new trends, whether they be six second dance videos or random quotes he’s said to him of varying hilarity based on how stupid they are.

The longer he lives in the city, the more Remus knows his heart feels warmer. He’s been feeling it since the start of the semester, but he hasn’t said anything yet, at least not to Janus. Roman is free game, though:

“Roman, I swear to everything fuckable within a ten mile radius, he probably goes to the same college as me,” Remus groans, his feet propped up on the back of the couch as he lies upside down. “I get warmer every time I go to campus.”

“There’s a million colleges in New York, so he really might not be,” Roman says reasonably, doing his eyeliner in the hall mirror. “Besides, he’s pre-law, right? There’s no way.”

“You’re just being uppity because you fricking met your soulmate on campus,” He responds grumbling.

“You’re right, I am. My soulmate’s a genius and I am very lucky to have met him when I did,” His twin’s pride infects the room, and he throws one Roman’s unnecessary couch pillows at him. “If you make me screw up my eyeliner, I’m going to run you through with one of your stupid wall-katanas.”

“They aren’t stupid, and I’m never going to see him face to face at this rate, so you might as well,” he snipes back, his purely decorative wall-mounted katanas be damned.

Roman raises an eyebrow, as if his mocking will affect Remus at all, “I’ll be back in like three hours, then you can mope your heart out, okay?”

He gathers his things from the hall table as Remus yells at his retreating back, “I don’t mope, I’m not you!”

“No, you’re not, and that’s why you don’t have a hot date tonight!” he hears as the door shuts.

He wishes he kept the pillow to suffocate himself with.

***

When Roman knocks on Virgil’s door, he doesn’t expect the person who answers the door to be so familiar, and he’s sure the answering party doesn’t expect him either.

“I thought-Sorry, I thought my roommate’s soulmate was coming over,” Janus says, a flash of recognition in his eyes, completely stunned in a way Roman has never heard while listening in on his brother’s phone calls. 

“Yeah, no, I’m here for Virgil. Janus, right?” And at the immediately suspicious look goes, “Oh, for fuck’s sake, you send my brother at least five selfies a week, and he agonizes over your beauty for ages after every single one, you have to know I would recognize you on sight.”

“....Roman?” he asks, like he doesn’t actually know what was going to leave his mouth when he said it.

“That would be me,” Roman just goes for the back of his neck, before wincing at the Remus-like gesture. “So, uh, Virgil?”

“Yeah, yes!” Janus opens the door fully so fast, Roman almost expects him to run himself over, “Do come in. Would you like anything while you wait? Water? Tea?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Janus hovers for a moment like he’s going to say something, but bites his lip instead, “Want to know how my brother is doing?”

He shifts elegantly, though his chains rattle, making the adjustment more obvious, “Of course not, what do you take me for?”

“A liar, you definitely want to know how he’s doing. Well, you’ll be happy to know he lives fifteen minutes away,” Roman grins, “And he’s home alone right now, pouting about wanting to see you, if you wanna go over.”

“It would be rude to leave you unattended in my home,” Janus replies, his voice strangled. “Arrangements can be made to get Virgil to hurry up.”

Leaving the room in a swift movement of leather and metal, Janus nearly vaults the couch in his haste. Roman can hear him yelling at Virgil to “Hurry up, you nasty, spider-pet keeping bitch,” and his soulmate’s yells to “Get out of my room, you tattooed skank!” Then an offended gasp, “How dare you?” and the snarling response, “You barge into my space and-”

“You hooked up with my soulmate’s brother-”

”Who is my soulmate, idiot!”

“Would you just-”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

Janus leaves the room and, in Roman’s line of sight, straightens his shirt as if he’d just been in some sort of scuffle. “Virgil will be out shortly, if you wouldn’t mind giving me the address.”

“You two are going to be related if you marry my brother, you know?” Roman grins as he puts the address into Janus’ phone.

He takes the phone back and rolls his eyes, “We were fostered by the same family. We really can’t get any closer, but I’ll keep that in mind.”

“We were adopted by the same person, Jan, why do you always conveniently leave that part out?” Virgil grumbles as he enters the room. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and be safe.”

Janus sniffs turning up his nose, “I’m going to get violently murdered before I even make it there,”

“Don’t test me, I will put off this date,” he pushes Janus’ head forward so he can’t look up at them. “Be safe, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Janus mumbles, fixing his hat and his chained belt, “Do I look okay?”

“My brother is a trash rat,” Roman responds, louder than he means to, “You will look like a model next to him and you will constantly get questioned as to why you’re in a five foot radius of him.”

“So, good?”

“Fantastic,” Roman confirms. “Now have fun.”

Janus double checks his pockets for his phone and his wallet, and then he books it in the direction of the twins’ apartment.

***

For the first time since he moved in, Remus feels himself getting warmer by the second. It’s not as though he’s moved from his spot going over every single thing that could currently be going wrong at Roman’s date, but somehow, his heart is pounding like he has.

“What do you see?” He asks it, vaguely aware it can’t actually respond. Either his soulmate just figured out where he lives, or there is something extremely important happening in the city.

Picking up his phone to check, it lights up with a text from Roman reading ‘Sending a pick-me-up your way,’ but he has no idea what it means.

After two minutes of constant heat, he searches for major events happening nearby. Nothing.

Five more minutes pass, and he thinks he might die young to a heart attack.

There’s a knock on the door.

His self preservation instincts must be completely nonexistent at this point because he yanks the door open with a knife in his hand and freezes. There, right in front of him, is Janus, who he thought he’d never see, and who was always too good for him, and yet, perfect for him in every way and, “I could have accidentally killed you with one of my many wall-hung weapons because you didn’t knock like Roman,” and that is the first thing he chooses to say to his soulmate.

“I wouldn’t have appreciated the trip to the hospital after I just sprinted over half a mile to see you,” he pants a little, “I know we didn’t talk about it, but Roman showed up at my door, and I knew you had to be nearby, and I just-”

Remus yanks him forward into his arms, and sighs in relief as the heat abruptly goes away, “Mr. I-think-everything-through needed to be impulsive, huh?”

“Yes,” Comes the fervent response as he clings to Remus’ body. “I missed you.”

“I thought you didn’t want to meet up. We didn’t even-”

“I know,” And Janus’ mouth brushes his cheek, just barely, because he’s not tall enough to reach, and Remus bends down, and kisses him soundly on the mouth, the feeling running through his body like a new kind of heat and comfort, and it feels like he’s done it a million times, even if it’s the first time.

Breaking apart, he notices they’re just standing in the doorway of his apartment. “Come inside, sweetheart,” He wiggles his eyebrows salaciously, Janus bursting into laughter as he pushes him back. 

“Nope,” He grins fondly, and this is the first day of the rest of their lives, it hits Remus, “I think I’m going to cause problems on purpose.”

“Fair enough, honeybee,” He tugs at the yellow cuffs of Janus’ leather jacket, pressing a kiss to a tattoo at the edge of his hairline, “Want me to carry you? Roman did say he was sending a pick-me-up, and I can definitely pick you up.”

He’s giggling, Remus delights as he scoops him up, kicking the door shut behind them, “If you call me one more pet name, I will combust, and you will have no soulmate to be with, is that what you want?”

And he says what he wants to say, because Janus has never once cared about the shit that leaves his mouth, “Biscuit, I’ve waited so long to see you, even death couldn’t keep me away from holding you.”

Janus pushes into him and kisses him again, putting a hand in his hair, tugging slightly to get the angle he wants, “I wouldn’t want it to,” Then after another kiss, “Love you.”

Remus sighs into his mouth, his world aligning so he could be the orbit to Janus’ sun, the whole system correcting itself. “Yeah,” He holds him just a little bit tighter, “Love you, too.”

[dumblewhoree]

gothel: you wanna get adopted you little skank?

[incorrect-belgariad]

Zedar, to baby Errand: You wanna get adopted, you little skank?

[therpmemeteam]

Easy A Sentence Starters

You can change pronouns or names to match the muses involved. Some slight NSFW due to the nature of the movie. Enjoy!

“Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies?”

“Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason.”

“Why does that matter - I'm adopted!”

“What? Oh my God! Who told you? Guys, we were going to do this at the right time!”

“Perhaps you should embroider a red A on your wardrobe, you abominable tramp.”

“Perhaps you should get a wardrobe, you abominable twat.”

“What do you think I have down there? A gnome?”

“But the really amazing thing is, it is nobody's goddamn business.”

“This is public school. If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.”

“There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.”

“I was just wondering if there's a minister around?”

“Don't you think it's a little strange that your boyfriend is 22 years old and still in high school?”

“I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds.”

“Screw all these people, _!”

“Haven't you heard? I already did.”

“I just hope for your sake you had the good sense to use protection.”

“The books you read in class always seems to have a strong connection with whatever angsty adolescent drama is being recounted.”

“No, actually, that was a rhetorical question. I don't want to know anything from you.”

“_! There's a young man here to see you!”

“He said something about asking for your hand in marriage!”

“Oh, happy day, Mama! Oh, I thought I was gonna have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness. A gentleman caller, hurray!”

“Where are you from originally?”

“The family member of the week gets to pick the movie.”

“Hey _! You left your glass slipper at the party the other night.”

“Please tell me the rumors are true!”

“I worry about the way information circulates at this school.”

“A is for Awesome.”

“Not to mention how you have been dressing these past few days. No judgment, but you kind of look like a stripper.”

“A high-end stripper, for governors or athletes.”

“I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation.”

“You'd think, but Principal _ is a homophobe, which is why I called him a fascist.”

“Blech! Worst song ever!”

“I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a _, it couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building.”

“Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story. This is my side, the right one.”

“After we watch "The Bucket List," remember to cross "watch 'The Bucket List'" off our bucket list.”

“So what's with your new look? It's very whore couture.”

“Welcome. This is where the magic happens. And as we all know, by "magic" I mean "nothing."”

“People thought I was a dirty skank? Fine. I'd be the dirtiest skank they've ever seen.”

“Not now I don't, shit-dick.”

“We are not dating, _”

“Can I get you a beer?”

“I'm drunk. What's up, bitches?”

“All I could think was, "Great, now I'm a tramp! I'll have to get a lower back tattoo and pierce something not on my face."”

“I started piling on lie after lie. It was like setting up Jenga.”

“I hope for your sake, God has a sense of humor.”

“Oh, I have sixteen years worth of anecdotal proof that He does.”

“I was just wondering what your church's stance on lying and adultery was?”

“I need to get my business in order before I drag you into it.”

“What if I told you I wanna be dragged into it? I could help, maybe.”

“Why now? Why are you all of a sudden into me now?”

“I don't know. I haven't overanalyzed it, like you're about to.”

“You know, you call me bitch a lot, okay. It's not really a term of endearment.”

“I want every detail now, shit-face.”

“You're not really heading in the right direction.”

“Not now, Quiznos.”

“But a lot of people hate me now. I kind of hate me, too.”

“The funny thing is, the whole time this all was going down, I couldn't help thinking I could have come up with better signs.”

“Although, you gotta love the Quizno's guy: it's the one thing that triumphs religion - capitalism.”

“Can you not see that I'm a mess?”

“You're wonderful. And you'll handle this the same way I did. With an incontrovertible sense of humor.”

“You don't understand how hard it is, all right? Hmm? I'm tormented everyday at school. It's like I'm being suffocated, and sure we can sit and fantasize all we want about how things are going to be different one day, but this is today and it sucks…”

“Do you think that maybe you're reading a little too much into this assignment?”

“We've had nine classes together since kindergarten... ten if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't because you called it science fiction and refused to go.”

“The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude. Which really is just my obnoxious way of saying lies travel fast.”

“Will you listen to me for a second, please? It didn't happen!”

“So it was time to put an end to this once and for all by telling my side of the story. And that's why I decided to do this webcast.”

“Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.”

“The rumors are true. I am, in fact, considering becoming an existentialist.”

“I didn't know *what* they were so upset about; I put an "A" on my wardrobe just like they asked. Maybe it was because I was wearing clothes that were two sizes too small.”

[ceresiae-archived-blog]

Cinder X Cerise

@shindera SOMEONE BEAT YOU TO IT LOL

Send in two (or more) names and I’ll fill all this out about the ship!

General:

Rate the Ship -  Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - UH... I DUNNO... A WHILE... I... GUESS?

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - NOT. QUICKLY. NOPE. IT’S GONNA TAKE CERISE A HOT MINUTE TO REALIZE. 

How was their first kiss? - Hot... LIKE... it was very unexpected, it doesn’t last extremely long but DEFINITELY left an impression on Cerise. 

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Cerise (Cinder wouldn’t feel right proposing I’d imagine)

Who is the best man/men? - No one

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - No one

Who did the most planning? - Cerise are you kidding me

Who stressed the most? - Cinder LOL she doesn’t wanna mess it up.

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - E...veryone?? XD

Sex:

Who is on top? - Cinder

Who is the one to instigate things? - Cerise surprisingly enough

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - EH bout an hour max. VERY into foreplay and less about the sex. 

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - PFT no not equal. It’s kind of a game.

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - zero

How many children will they adopt? - RUBY??? Ruby.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - noPE no babies

Who is the stricter parent? - Cinder

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Cerise

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Cerise

Who is the more loved parent? - UH... PR...OBABLY... C..E.RISE?

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - Cinder tbh

Who cried the most at graduation? - Cerise

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - BOTH.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Cerise

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - It’s kinda a toss up. 

Who does the grocery shopping? - Both. Together. Wifeys. 

How often do they bake desserts? - Cerise makes them a bit often.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - M E A T.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - If it’s after an argument, Cinder would go out of her way to ‘apologize’ with the meal. Otherwise Cerise likes to go out of her way to please Cinder.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Cerise! She’s very active with the community. 

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? - ..... HAHAHAHA Cinder for sure oops. 

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Cerise 

Who is really against chores? - Cinder is against being DELEGATED to do certain tasks, where as Cerise is much more laid back. 

Who cleans up after the pets? - Lol what pets. 

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - C...IN...DER? Cerise catches her later and she’s just- ‘... are you hecking me rn’ 

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Cerise because she wants to make a good first impression but Cinder’s just- ‘Chill pls’

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Cerise. c:

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Cinder. What a skank muffin.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Again I say- lol what pets.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - EH. Not extremely often. But Cerise does like to BE festive. 

What are their goals for the relationship? - To not hate themselves. To find happiness within themselves and each other. 

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Cerise.

Who plays the most pranks? - Cinder omg. She loves teasing Cerise.