#you too can become obsessed with an idea and work on it for nearly 14 hours straight

[duelbraids]

THE HALLA HORNED SERPENT

[maxwell-grant]

Excuse Me what is pulp and why is it importan?

Good question! And probably one I should have answered sooner. Time to put on the historian hat for this one.

"Pulp" is a term used mainly to describe forms of storytelling that sprang out or were dominant in 20th century cheap all-fiction American magazines from the 1900s to the 1950s. The pulp magazine began in 1896, when Frank Munsey's Argosy magazine, in order to cut costs, dropped the non-fiction articles and photographs and switched from glossy paper to the much less expensive wood pulp paper, hence the name. The pulp magazines would mainly take off as a distinct market and format in 1904, when Street & Smith learned that Popular Magazine, despite being marketed towards boys, was being consumed by men of all ages, so they increased page count and started putting popular authors on the issues.

It was specifically the 1905 reprint of H.Rider Haggard's Ayesha that not only put Street & Smith on the map as rivals to Argosy, but also inspired other companies to start publishing in the pulp format. Pulps encompassed literally everything that the authors felt like publishing. Westerns, romance, horror, sci-fi, railroad stories, war stories, war aviation stories. Zeppelins had a short-lived subgenre. Celebrities got their own magazines, it was really any genre or format they could pull off, anything they could get away with.

Nowadays, although they came quite late in it's history, the American pulps are most famous for it's "hero pulps", characters like The Shadow and Doc Savage that are viewed as a formative influence on comic book superheroes. The pulp magazines in America lasted until the 1950s, when cumulative factors such as paper shortages, diminishing audience returns and the closing of it's biggest publishers led to it dying off, although in the decades since there's always been publishers calling their magazines pulp. That's the American pulp history.

But pulps are a phenomenon that spans the entire world and has a much bigger history to it, because pulps have become synonymous with cheap fiction magazines and those have a much bigger history. In America, before the pulps, you had the dime novels, the direct predecessors of the pulps, as well as the novelettes. England had it's penny dreadfuls and story papers, and continued publishing pulp-format magazines past the American 1950s, and that's how we got Elric of Melniboné. France and Russia arguably got to it first with it's 1800s coulporters, chapbooks and particularly the feuilletons which lasted all the way to the 20th century and created characters such as Arsene Lupin, Fantomas and The Phantom of the Opera. The Germans published pulp under the name hefteromane. Japan also published pulp magazines both original as well as imported, and the current "light-novel" phenomenon started off as an equivalent of pulp magazines (it's even on the Wikipedia page). China has wuxia, Brazil has cordel, Italy has gialli. There were Indian, Persian, Ethiopian, Canadian, Australian pulps and much more. Look anywhere in the world and you'll find examples of "pulp" happening again and again, under different circumstances and time periods.

Even if we stick to American fiction, it's impossible to state that all pulp heroes must come from the 1900s-1950s pulp magazines, because that forces us to exclude some of the most popular pulp heroes like Indiana Jones, Green Hornet, Rocketeer and The Phantom. Pulp may have once been a term meant to refer to pulp magazines exclusively, but it's morphed and lost structure and it's become the closest thing we have to a general umbrella term that allows us to try and consolidate these under a shared history. It's a lot, as you can see, and it's why several pulp historians that broaden their scope outside of 1930s American fiction have adopted Roland Barthes's definition of pulp as "A Metaphor With No Brakes In It", which is still the closest thing to a true working definition we have.

Why is it important? You tell me. I don't like to stake claims about stuff being "important", everyone's got their own priorities in life. Surely a lot of people would scoff at the idea of old populist fiction published in what was functionally equivalent to toilet paper having any sort of "importance". On the other hand, some people definitely want to talk big about the pulps as a cultural bedrock of fiction, something that's baked into the lifeblood of all fiction as we currently know it. Which it is, mind you, but I don't like to talk about pulp fiction's value being derived mainly from merely the things it inspired.

There is definitely a historical importance to be had in cataloguing them. According to the US's foremost pulp researcher Jess Nevins, 38% of all American pulps no longer exist, and 14% of all American pulps survive in less than five copies. Many libraries have very scant, if any, records on them, many collectors are hard to locate and are uncooperative when it comes to sharing information and letting outsiders view their collections. A lot of them are bound up in legal complications that prevents them from taking off in the public domain, and a lot of them ARE public domain but are completely inacessible as research material. And that's the American pulps, foreign pulps have fared far worse in posterity, with records inaccessible to people unfamiliar with the language or locations, many existing merely in mentions on decades-old records, and hundreds if not thousands of them being completely gone beyond recovery or recall.

Gone, dead, wasted, destroyed. They can't be found in barbershops or warehouse or bookstores, not even in antique stores. Hundreds, thousands of characters, stories and creators, gone. Time and posterity have crushed them to dust, forgotten and ignored by their successors. Unfettered by pretenses of respectability that repressed their glossier counterparts, in packages meant to be destroyed after reading, proudly announcing itself as trash. Things that should have never even lasted as long as they did have died many times now. It's heroes peripherical shapeshifters, nearly all of whom seem dead, quite dead, as dead as fictional characters can possibly be.

But they do not die forever. Many of them have, maybe most of them have, but many of them linger on.

"The strange red flickering of 1930’s fiction seems distant now.  You hold in your hand the product of a time too remote to recall, and feel a slow stir of wonder.  The smell of pulp pages, an illustration, an advertisement, these fragile things mark the slow hammering of time and display what it has done.  About you are today’s machines, today’s shadows.

Outside the window, leaves hang against the sky, as did leaves during the 1930’s.  The sound of voices are no different then than now.  You hold the magazine and feel something quite delicate slipping past. These solid forms surrounding you are all insubstantial. Time’s hammer will also pass across them, leaving little enough behind." - Spider, by Robert Sampson

Many of the things people call dead are just things that have been sleeping for a while or haven't had the chance to be born. Pulp fiction is dead on the page, inert, unless your imagination breathes live to it, and every now and then, one way or another, these characters dig themselves out of dustbins. Maybe it's a brief revival, maybe it's a successful reboot. Maybe they find publishers, or maybe the public domain allows them to find new life. Maybe new creators do interesting things with them, and maybe, just maybe, they live again because some won't shut up about them online. Some curious impulse led you to me, did it not? 

We all have our Frankensteins to obsess over, and these are some of mine. As someone who's lived a life perpetually restless over pursuit of knowledge, pulp has lured me like a moth to flame, because I literally never run out of things to discover within it, I never run out of possibilities. As the years pass and the public domain starts being more and more open to the public, more and more narrative real state is brought forth for writers and artists and creators to play around.

Pulp is the dark matter of fiction, the uncatalogued depths of the ocean, the darkest recesses of space. It's the box of your grandfather's belongings, the treasure you find in an attic, a body part sticking out from an old playground. It's the things that don't work, don't succeed, the things that don't fit, that are out of place. That shouldn't live and succeed, and did so anyway. The things that slither in the cracks, the shadows behind the curtain.

Aren't you interested in peering on what's behind the curtain?

The exquisite workmanship of the head, of a pre-pyramidal age, and the hieroglyphics, symbols of a language that was forgotten when Rome was young–these, Kane sensed, were additions as modern to the antiquity of the staff itself as would be English words carved on the stone monoliths of Stonehenge.

As for the cat-head–looking at it sometimes Kane had a peculiar feeling of alteration; a faint sensing that once the pommel of the staff was carved with a different design. The dust-ancient Egyptian who had carved the head of Bast had merely altered the original figure, and what that figure had been, Kane had never tried to guess.

A close scrutiny of the staff always aroused a disquieting and almost dizzy suggestion of abysses of eons, unprovocative to further speculation. - The Footfalls Within, by Robert E Howard, quoted by Stuart Hopen’s The Mythic American Culture

[hello-there]

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[miekasa]

any spare levi headcanons tonight????? 😁😁😁😁

Sure, why not, he is the love of my life after all. These are pretty random, and fit in some sort of generalized modern boyfriend au. Hopelessly domestic, as that is the nature of nearly everything I write for Levi, anyway. Also still terribly obsessed with the idea of him with a motorcycle, so there’s that.

He owns at least six black blazers. They’re nearly identical; slight differences in texture and cut, one with lapels, one that’s boldly all leather that you swear you’ve never seen him wear. They’re kind of his go-to staple, other than a sweater.

That being said, he doesn’t exclusively wear all black. His closet leans towards more neutrals, sure, but he’s not allergic to color. You might not catch him wearing neon orange on the average day, but he’s not averse to a nice shade of green, any shade of purple that suits his mood, even a softer pink.

He has towels and rags he sets aside especially for you when he comes over. He always washes them and put them back in place when you leave so that they’re ready to go for next time.

Claims to not have any attachment to the shows/dramas you watch, but he’s totally backseat watching. Halfway into every single series, he starts sitting down when you turn it on, and scoffs at dumb decisions the characters make.

He splurged on one of those frame TVs that look like a painting when they’re idle. It was a good investment in his opinion.

He doesn’t hate Starbucks drinks—there’s worse things out there in terms of quality of tea. What he despises about the establishment is the way they call out names for you to pick up your order. He’s learned that mobile order ahead is the way to go.

Has slippers for around the house, so consequently, you have slippers for walking around his house. He keeps both pairs (and a few extra for friends and guests) tucked neatly beside the door for easy access; yours always go next to his.

Does not understand the purpose of a robe. Buy him one tho and he will suddenly find an excuse to wear it: making breakfast, lounging around watching TV, doing some light cleaning and dusting. It’s comfy, alright, he can admit that much.

The little puppy you got him that he swore he was not going to warm up to now gets the royal treatment. The best doggie goods and treats, top rated shampoos, cutest drying towels, even a miniature couch he constructed just for the pup. They’re best friends, there’s no breaking that bond now.

Speaking of the puppy, affectionately named Captain, Levi can be found walking him every day shortly after work. They have a few different routes, but they always pass by the local vendors/market, who enthusiastically anticipate their appearance every day. Some of the older ladies running stands have even taken to bringing a few treats with them for Captain—after bundling up some goods for Levi, too, of course.

Captain also has a special doggy backpack Levi uses for when he’s on his motorcycle. If you follow anybody on TikTok in his area, you’re bound to see at least one video of the pup while Levi’s out riding. He’s become viral on social media without even knowing it.

(When you show him a video someone posted of him and Captain with well over 100k likes, and a million views, he only rolled his eyes. But remembers that particularly day; remembers the folks had a kid who politely asked to pet the dog, so he let him. He also maybe asks you to send the link to him).

On the subject of the motorcycle, there was a good few weeks he wouldn’t let you on it. Always found an excuse, a smart reply that was punctuated with gentle push on your forehead and calling you too clumsy for it. Later, you found out it’s because he’d ordered you a helmet; didn’t want to risk you riding without one.

He always keeps it in the storage compartment should he make a stop to pick you up while he’s riding; and he usually wears at least two layers to have a spare to wrap you in before you get on.

When he cooks, he always makes sure there’s enough for leftovers and/or to give you some later. He also bakes frequently, and at least once a week, he stops by with some kind of treat for you—“Trying out a new recipe, let me know if you think it’s missing anything.”

On the subject of food, he won’t police what you eat to annoying extent; he knows that not everybody has the time or will to make pasta from scratch like he does. But, he will smack your wrist if you consider ordering fast food when you’re over at this place. Give him 30 minutes and a single pan, he’ll make something much better than whatever you can find on Uber Eats.

Really, though, he doesn’t mean to obnoxious about the homemade food thing, it’s more habit for him. Growing up, he had to learn to be resourceful, so buying fast-food isn’t ever at the forefront of his mind. Cooking for you also turns out to be something somewhat intimate that he enjoys, so just let him.

Once bought an Apple Watch because he liked the look of them, it wasn’t insanely expensive like other high end watches, and it could connect to his other devices, so why not? A week later he returned it, the ping of his notifications were in one too many places for his liking.

You tried to convince him to keep it—“At least for when you’re jogging! It can track your activity and calories!”—but he clicks his teeth. He’ll survive without keeping track of them.

He learned the hard way that jogging with Captain is no good. His legs are too tiny and Levi ended up carrying the puppy the entire time. Captain is more of a walk dog… or ride on the back of his bike dog.

If you changed anything in his phone settings—like the ringtone for you contact, or the sound his keyboard makes—he wouldn’t go back in and try to figure out how to reset it. Unless it was something obnoxious, like adding an autocorrect shortcut to say something lewd.

He doesn’t really listen to music when he’s just walking. When he’s on a run, that’s fine, but he somewhat prefers to just… hear the environment around him when he’s on a stroll or a break from work. The only reason he’d have headphones on in public is to take a phone call, but even then, he’d prefer to wait until he’s somewhere more private.

He likes having you over at his apartment and has contemplated asking you to move in. He doesn’t want to rush anything, though, so he’s content with your sleepovers for now. (Though he really cannot fathom that you call them “sleepovers” like you’re 14. Please).

He speaks to his mother at least once a week, and she always asks about you. Levi tells her that you’re fine, gives her small updates about you, but Kuchel really just wants to know when the wedding is. He pretends to be busy whenever she starts asking and conveniently ends the call.

Occasionally, he’ll stop by and take you out for lunch. Depends on how much time he has during the day for himself, but he always enjoys sharing a meal with you.

Whenever you’re out with your friends drinking, Levi will pick you up. Even if you already told him that you’d Uber home; as soon as you text him that you’re going to leave soon, he’s already on his way.

He makes pretty good cocktails himself. Teases you for running his alcohol supply dry when the truth is he has more of your favorites in his cabinet than his own. He secretly likes the way you flirt with him when you’re tipsy.

You don’t always cuddle on top of each other when you sleep together. You can just lay by each other and that’s enough; but sometimes, you catch Levi turning towards you in his sleep, reaching for your hand. His body seems to search for yours subconsciously, and you swear there’s a hint of a smile on his sleeping face when you put your hand within reach.

Do not try to pay for dinner when you’re out with him. He’ll pull the “I’m going to use the restroom” move and pay the bill behind your back if he needs to. Open your own doors, maybe; pull out your own chairs, sure if you want; but not this.

He flosses very diligently every night. Mostly because he fucking hates the dentist, so if he takes the extra steps and is extra careful with his teeth, he doesn’t have to go as often, right?—Wrong, it’s the one time the roles are reversed, and you and Hange have to wrestle him into the doctor’s office.

On the flip side, if there are any doctors you routinely avoid and/or forget to schedule check ups for, fear not, because Levi will do it for you. He’ll drive you there, too—the only caveat being, that he usually doesn’t tell you where you’re going until you’re almost there. You think he’s doing the mysterious man surprise date thing and then boom, he’s pulling up to the ophthalmologist. Good luck.

He’s purchased a physical, paper copy of the news on every one of your anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions. He keeps them all neatly tucked away in a drawer. Sometimes, he looks back on them—sees what was happening in the world around you on that day. Maybe someday he’ll cut them up and bind them together in a book for you.

He doesn’t like having headphones in when you’re home with him, and preferred if you didn’t either—unless it was for work or school. He welcomes you to use his speakers and play your music aloud; he likes listening to what you listen to. If you look closely, you can catch him humming along or tapping his foot when he really likes a song.

Saves pictures you send him in an album in his camera roll. Occasionally can be found scrolling through them—particularly if you’ve been away on a trip, or he hasn’t gotten the chance to see you because of conflicting schedules.

He takes relatively short showers and doesn’t have a strong preference for the water temperature, so he lets you shower first. Unless you want him to join you, of course.

It’s not hard to tell when Levi wants you. He becomes noticeably more touchy, even if that margin isn’t too wide by anyone else’s standards; and he rarely tries to hide it. It only happens in the privacy of your apartments; but he’ll come on to you—leaning a bit further into conversations, a hand on your knee, a kind of cloudy look in his eyes.

Sometimes he forgoes the attempts at being subtle, just kisses you out the blue, carefully backs you up against the wall, puts his hands on your hips. He can be awfully direct when given the opportunity.

[echoghost1]

DannyMay 2021 Day 04: Stars

To Spark Like The Stars

Summary: Danny's Spark was Space.

To ghosts, indulging your Spark was just a thing you did. If you didn't, what was the point in existing? Unfortunately to humans, it just looked like he was being irresponsible and obsessive.

It wasn't his fault it was easier to see at night.

Word Count: 2,339

A/N: This is a follow-up to Out Of This World (And Into The Next), which is my AU where Danny gets ghost adopted by the lunch lady when they first meet.

Also, there's a little bit that has to deal with bullying and fat-shaming.

You can read on AO3 or down below the cut

Danny couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stay in his room either. He had to go out there. Had to be where he could see the night sky in all its glory.

He really really wanted to go outside.

Unfortunately, his mom had already caught him outside earlier and sent him to his room.

Sure, he could just turn invisible and go out again, but it was the principal of the thing.

She told him to go to his room and he didn’t want her to think he was being disobedient.

But God, the sky was perfect tonight. It was a new moon and that made it so much easier to see the stars.

Not that he didn’t love the moon too.

He sighed and wondered how long it would take for her to fall asleep.

Or maybe he should just look out the window instead?

He glanced over at his window and decided a little was better than none at all.

==============================================

Danny had been reprimanded for sleeping in class no less than three times. Due to how tired he was, he wasn’t sure how many times it really was, but it was definitely three.

Probably more.

Especially considering he was now sitting in Mr. Lancer’s office, for such behavior.

Now was probably a really bad time to yawn.

“Mr. Fenton!” Lancer scolded, “This is exactly what I am talking about.”

“Sorry, sorry,” he said as he fought back another yawn.

“What on earth is keeping you up, Mr. Fenton?”

“Nothing.” He answered honestly.

“You can’t seriously expect me to believe that.” the teacher deadpanned. “I had to wake you five times in my English class alone!”

Ah, more than five then. That was…

Not good.

“Sorry.” he fidgeted in his seat and figured he better elaborate as quickly as possible. “I didn’t mean that nothing was keeping me up, I meant nothing on earth was keeping me up.”

Mr. Lancer just stared at him.

“The stars, the moon. Any and all celestial bodies that can be viewed from here. That’s what keeps me up. If I could see it all during the day, I wouldn’t have this problem.”

Mr. Lancer let out a long sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, “Daniel, I generally like to encourage students to follow their passions but this is getting ridiculous.”

Danny just looked down to his lap instead of responding.

“You know you can’t be an astronaut for NASA if you fail out of high school right? Because if you keep sleeping through your lessons that’s what’s going to happen.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, just do better.”

Danny looked up and wasn’t quite sure what to make of that advice. If it was advice.

“If you want to reach your goals, now is the time to keep your nose to the grindstone. To set yourself up with good habits now, so they become second nature when you really need them as your further your education. You understand that don’t you?”

Danny nodded. He’d heard something similar from Jazz before.

“Good. Now I want you in my classroom after school today to make sure you understand today’s lesson.”

“But!” Danny started to protest but stopped himself. One day of detention was getting off easy. “Okay.”

“Excellent. I’ll see you at three.”

==============================================

After his detention intervention, Danny tried to resist the urge to watch the sky all night every night.

He limited himself as best he could.

He just went out for late-night flights anytime the moon changed phases.

Or whenever any astronomical event took place. Like the passing of a comet or a meteor shower. A conjuncture of their planetary neighbors. An eclipse, even if it wasn’t actually visible from his position on the earth.

Or whenever an important astronomical figure had a birthday. They were all important.

Or whenever there was an anniversary of a launched shuttle or satellite. Not just ones from NASA but any from Earth.

Only going out on these days cut down on his late-night excursions. Maybe not as many as the adults in his life would like, but there were less.

It’s not his fault the space race happened. You couldn’t really blame him for how active the universe was. It was silly and just plain ridiculous to do so.

Besides, he stopped going out on nights when it rained. Even though he could easily fly above the clouds and see, the idea of getting that close to the source of lightning didn’t sit well with him.

He figured it was understandable when he got irritated when Jazz blocked his way out on one of these nights. She didn’t seem to think so.

“Are you just going to stand there all night, or can I go?” he asked after she had sidestepped and blocked him from passing her. Again.

It was times like these that he missed being a skinny little twig. There was no way he’d be able to squeeze past her now.

“That depends,” she countered, “Where are you going?”

“For a walk.”

“Where to?”

“Just around.”

“What’s the lunchbox for?”

“Snacks.”

“You’re going out long enough to need snacks?”

“Maybe! What’s it to you?”

“Danny, I’m worried about you.”

“Why?” he asked trying his best not to sound super annoyed. Which he was.

She sighed, “This isn’t like you. Sneaking out nearly every night. The weight gain.”

“Hey!” how dare she chose now to notice that.

“Well?” she looked pointedly at his stomach, “It’s kind of hard not to notice.”

It was bad enough that Dash had started making fun of him for it now, he didn’t need her added criticism too.

“There’s nothing wrong with a little weight gain.”

“This happened pretty fast, Danny. It’s not healthy.”

“I’m fine, Jazz.” Just because the time he spent in the ghost zone didn’t translate properly didn’t mean anything. Sure he was glad he wasn’t missing for 14 years, or however long it took his second ghost childhood to happen, but this is the type of situation where it became annoying.

“Danny,” Jazz started but he quickly cut her off.

“If you don’t want me to eat, then fine!” he tossed his lunchbox on the counter, “Now could you please just get out of my way?”

“Please just talk to me.”

“About what?!”

Why wouldn’t she just let him leave? If he didn’t hurry he was going to miss it. He needed to be out there. Why was she not letting him go?

“Where do you need to be so badly?” she asked in a voice that was surprisingly still calm despite how irritated he was.

“Just outside. I’m not doing anything wrong. I just need to be outside.”

“Need to?”

“Yes! Now can you move?”

“Why are you so upset?”

Couldn’t she see how much she was hurting him? Maybe not? Did he need to give her an example? Fine, he could do that, “I don’t run into your room and rip all the pages out of your psych books, do I?”

“What? No? But what does that have to do with this?”

“That’s what you’re doing to me! Let me go! Please!” his chest hurt as he begged her. He didn’t want to use his powers if he didn’t have to but she was just making it so hard to resist. It would be so easy to just walk right through her like she wasn’t there. Like he wasn’t there.

But he’d kept his ghostliness a secret this long he could keep it for tonight too.

She searched him with her eyes, trying to find something but he didn’t know or care what, as long as it let him be with his stars. He’d do anything.

“Can I come with you?”

“Fine! Whatever!” he grabbed her hand and nearly ran to the front door.

He barely gave her enough time to grab her coat and slip in her shoes. She was lucky he didn’t just fly off then and there.

They walked in a hurried silence until they got to the park. There was a nice little spot away from everything that had become his go to spot.

Once they were there he let her hand slip out of his as he plopped onto the ground and finally looked up at the beautiful star-filled sky above.

He mentally connected the constellations together and felt the world settle back into place. Or maybe it was just him that was settling.

“Danny I’m sorry for bringing up your weight. I wasn’t trying to pick on you.”

He sighed but couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sky just yet, “It’s fine.”

“Is someone picking on you at school about it?”

“Do we have to talk about this right now?”

“Are you going to let me talk about it later?”

“No.”

“Then now it is.”

He flopped back so he was lying down, “Fine. Yes, but it’s whatever. I don’t even care.”

“It sounded like you cared in the kitchen.”

He folded his arms and really didn’t like how easy it was for her to worm her way into his head like that. She was much too good at this whole shrink thing.

Or maybe she was psychic?

“I guess it’s just a little raw.”

“Did this happen today?”

It happened today, and yesterday, and every day since he made the mistake of letting Dash catch him changing for gym class. That had been a few weeks ago when he was still able to conceal how he looked with his oversized clothes, but that didn’t work anymore because they fit him now.

He was honestly surprised she hadn’t heard about all his new nicknames through the overactive rumor mill of the school. He had very quickly gone from ‘Tiny Puny Baby Fenton’ to ‘Fudgy-Pudgy Piggy Fenton’.

It didn’t help that he had a naturally upturned nose.

It didn’t stop him from feeling self-conscious anytime he laughed for fear that he might accidentally snort instead.

It’s not like he could just stop eating at school! Lunch was important.

He finally looked away from the sky and rolled over on his side. He didn’t want the stars to see him like this. Luckily the moon was already out of view behind the buildings downtown.

“Did you tell anyone?”

“Why bother?”

“Danny!”

He sat up and glared at her, “Do you know what happened the last time I tried to call Dash out? I got detention and told that Dash couldn’t get in trouble because he’s good at football. He gets a free pass because he can throw a ball!” He took as deep a breath as he could and dug his nails into the dirt, his fingers threading their way blindly between blades of grass as he tried to keep his powers from reacting to his heightened emotions, “And what do I get? I get shoved as far as he can cram me into my own locker! He used to be able to get all of me in there but now I don’t fit and that only makes him laugh at me more!”

She pulled him into a hug and it wasn’t until his face was pressed against her shoulder, did he realize he was crying.

He let go of the earth and let the dirt fall through his intangible fingers before he wrapped his arms around her.

He came out here to feel better, not to cry.

After a while, Danny started to feel less sorry for himself as he took comfort from his sister. He readjusted so his head was resting on her shoulder and they sat side by side.

They sat in a comfortable silence up until Jazz broke it.

“Danny?” she started. He just hummed in acknowledgment so she could continue. “What did you mean when you said you needed to be out here?”

“Until I can go up there myself, I want to be here to see it.”

“That’s not a need Danny, that’s just a want.”

He sat up and faced her, “What are you getting at?”

“You want to be an astronaut, you want to see the stars. That’s not the same as needing to. Saying you need it makes you sound a little obsessive.”

“Mom and Dad wanted to prove ghosts existed and they worked every day at it until they did it. You called them obsessive too!”

“Not a great comparison for your case Danny. They are obsessive.”

“Well, what do you want me to do then? Never come out here and enjoy this? Never come out and remind myself why I want what I want?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what are you saying?” And why are you saying it?

It’s not like there was anything she could do to change him. This was his Spark. If she tried to take his Spark…

He didn’t want to think about it.

“You just need to pull back a little is all. Yes, it’s nice to come out here and enjoy the view but you can’t do it so much that you end up sabotaging yourself.”

“I did pull back! I don’t come out every night and I don’t stay out as long anymore.”

“That’s a good start.”

“Oh my God, Jazz!” he stood up and dusted off his jeans, “If you’re going to be such a downer let’s just go home.”

“Danny,” she got up quickly as he started to walk back home. “You can’t just keep avoiding your problems.”

“I’m not avoiding my problems. I’m just avoiding you.” He said with a smirk as she caught up to him. “Besides, didn’t you say it’s not good to dwell on negative thoughts? I’m just keeping myself motivated with positive reinforcement.”

“Stargazing isn’t positive reinforcement.”

“It is if it makes me happy, so there,” he blew a raspberry at her for emphasis.

Maybe if he just told her about how Sparks worked she’d understand.

Of course, that would mean telling her his secret and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that.

Or if he’d ever be.

[scribbleb-red]

Neil is a lying liar who lies AU

A Morning AU - with a fab prompt from @djhedy

There’s a new boy in Andrew’s class and there’s something not quite right about him. He’s mouthy and sharp, the kinda kid that should end up in detention three times a week but never does.

They are seven years old, though the new kid looks five, with eyes like a wide open sky. 

He is very pretty - that’s why Andrew notices him first - he looks like a fairy prince. 

And it’s because Andrew is watching that he notices though: the kid is a big bad lying liar who lies. 

The day he joined, the kid said his name was ‘Stefan’ to Mrs Stewart and ‘Chris’ to Mr Brasenose. The next day he was just ‘Neil’ and was given a fond, exasperated warning to keep his make believe in the playground. 

 But the kid didn’t stop lying.

Some lies were big and others were small. 

On a Tuesday, Neil announced that he’d had a huge feast for breakfast - listing all the foods and making everyone’s mouth water with the descriptions. (But Andrew saw how he winced nd held his stomach like it was empty.)

On a Thursday, Neil said he grew up in England and proceeded to spend the next week speaking in a post English accent. (But he later admits at lunch it was just a couple months).

On a Friday, Neil whispers that his house is haunted and he’s scared to go home for the weekend. (There’s a little too much truth shining through those eyes as he talks about the ghost in his house. Andrew doesn’t doubt that he’s scared of something).

The following Monday, Neil explains his bruises by saying he spent the week learning to skateboard. 

“My cousin visited and let me use her skate board. It was pretty rad.” 

(Andrew eyes the split lip, it could be true. But then he sees the hand shape around Neil’s thin wrist and knows the truth: it’s a lie.)

Through it all, Andrew is very quiet and very alone. He knows how this goes - he’s seven years old with more cracks in his heart than a fifty year romantic - but he kinda enjoys Neil’s lies and how he gets away with them.

He particularly likes the outrageous ones: 

My father parachuted into Paris because he’s a spy. He died landing on the Eiffel Tower. I once wrestled a monster. I won but it stole all my mom’s apples. I’m telling the truth. My tongue goes green when I lie. I met Kevin Day.

Andrew won’t pretend he’s not intrigued. He thinks Neil is interesting and his lies are ones he can often hold in the dark, imagining over and over when he’s hurt and wishing to be anyone, anywhere but here.

Plus Neil is funny - he always snarks at the teachers and gets away with the most ridiculous things. Other kids always want to play with him because his games are brilliant - epic journeys, castles and wizards, magical tigers, patchwork villains made from the skin of children. 

Some of Neil’s tall tales are part fairytales, part nightmares.  And Andrew isn’t sure which part Neil actually belongs to. There are times where he’s the brightest, prettiest boy on the playground. And times where his eyes are haunted, mouth wicked cruel. And then there are times like today, where Neil is quiet and blank - a little too familiar to what Andrew sees in the mirror these days, looking like someone has scooped out his insides and left nothing but darkness behind in its wake. 

Andrew almost talks to him then. 

Almost.

But he doesn't. Not for another few weeks. Not until Neil's facing down Greg Doyle - the fight has the vibe of a hissing kitten against a rottweiler. 

 There's no way Neil can win. Greg is a third grader and big beside. 

But Neil doesn't look scared. He looks ferocious.

Not that appearances are going to help. Neil could have the sharpest claws of them all and he'd still weigh nothing against Greg. Neil dodges and ducks the first few blows. He snipes and snarks, that liar's mouth rattling off stories of how he took down a SWAT team once.

But dumb luck can’t do everything and finally Greg gets a thump in, straight across Neil’s jaw - hard enough to make him stagger. 

"So much for a SWAT team, fucking liar." 

There are gasps at the bad word from the growing first and second grade audience. 

"Tongue turns green," Neil says. He spits out blood.

Andrew's had enough when he sees the blood. 

Neil might be an idiot but Andrew knows that there's no way to win this one on alone He steps forward and puts himself between Neil and Greg. 

"Oooo who's this, your boyfriend?" 

Andrew would roll his eyes, but can't be bothered. He is the tallest kid in their year at nearly 4'5. He can look the nine year old Greg in the eye without trouble and he can see the bigger kid calculating his chances of taking Andrew on instead of the skinny little creature that was Neil "motor mouth" Josten.

"Back off," he says. He doesn't inflect. He watched a cartoon where a character spoke completely flat and it was really scary so he figures this might make Greg cower too. "Leave him alone."

Greg nearly steps into Andrew's space but someone has started a whisper: 

Andrew Doe is the kid who killed his parents. Andrew Doe is the kid that burned a house down. Andrew Doe is the kid who took on Bertie Becker from fifth grade and flushed his head down the loo.

It's the last one that gives away the source of these rumours - Neil has started a chain of Chinese whispers. And Greg hears them swirling from mouth to mouth, ear to ear, each more terrifying than the last. It makes Andrew want to grin, so he does. Greg actually whimpers.

The crowd laughs when Greg runs away - he can’t save face when he’s fleeing from a first grader. 

Andrew feels triumphant. 

 Especially when Neil steps up beside him, shy smile and summer sky eyes. “Thanks Andrew.” 

 Neil Josten knows his name, Andrew thinks. Wow wow wow.

Neil’s mouth is swollen but he’s still the prettiest boy in the playground so Andrew doesn’t say anything. 

“Want to play a game?” Neil says. 

 Andrew shrugs. 

 “Yes or no?” Neil says again. “I won’t force you but I’d like to play with you to if you’d like to play with me.”

Andrew thinks about it before saying yes. 

It’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

*

They start with games - make believe quests and imaginary journeys. They visit magical worlds in their heads and fall about laughing when one of them (mostly Andrew) doesn’t break character even for class.

They become inseparable - two boys with home lives full of ghosts but dreams that can take them anywhere. The lying liar is the better story teller but the stoic hero a better actor. And sometimes in games they hide their truths - violent families and horrifying pasts.

Neil shows Andrew his scars, “I sometimes say they’re from a shark or ninjas and stuff but...” 

“That’s from an iron.” 

“Yeah.”

In turn, Andrew tells Neil about his foster family. 

“We could poison him,” Neil says. “I heard we can make poison from apple cores. Applesenic or something.”

If only it were that simple.

It happens just before the end of the year - summer is nearly there and Andrew can only imagine how fun it'll be having a friend to adventure with for the first time. And then he finds out that his foster family is getting rid of him. He'll be packed off at the end of term.

"I think mom and I will move too," Neil admits. "We never hang around anywhere long." 

"Because of your dad?" 

"Yeah..." Neil plays with the hem of his t-shirt. "He's in prison but mom is still terrified. She moves us a lot." 

"Maybe you can move to the same place as me."

They pretend that the world isn't going to split them apart. 

They pretend that they're going to have the summer together. 

And the year after. 

That they'll start middle school together. 

And be best friends all the way to the end of high school.

And go to the same college.

"We could play exy together all the way through," Neil says. It's his new obsession. 

"I'm not going to play stickball. I prefer playing games with you." 

"We can play games on the court. You can be the fierce dragon and I'll be the knight that looks after you."

"You'd steal all my dragon gold." 

"Would not." 

Andrew raises one eyebrow. 

"Okay, yes I would. I'd be the knight trying to take your gold. But I'd be sneaky about it." Neil's laughter is high and bright. "Does that mean you'll play with me?" 

"Yeah okay," Andrew says.

But it doesn't work out that way. 

Neil vanishes like sun behind a mountain the day after term ends. 

Andrew's bags are packed. He's dumped in a new home near the beach. He hates the beach. He misses Neil the way his lungs miss oxygen when he's stuck in the swell of a wave.

He does play exy though. 

He does it because he figures one day he'll find Neil on a court too. 

He'll either face him down or by some miracle they'll be on the same team. 

He'll find Neil again. He will.  

He tells himself this every day. 

Even when it feels like a lie.

*

Something like an epilogue

Years pass before Andrew hears anything about the little boy who - for two semesters when he was seven - was his best friend. So many years that if it weren't for one polaroid from a cheeky arcade photo-booth, he might have let the idea of Neil go.

But he keeps the photo with him - through home after home, through Cass and Drake and juvie and Aaron and Nicky. He hides it in books, folds it into pockets. Makes sure to hold onto Neil and the memories of those few happy months.

He plays exy. Keeps track of other teams and their players. The sport does nothing for him - but sometimes he closes his eyes and imagines Neil with his flashing blue eyes mischievous smile and that long ago conversation. He remembers why he's doing this.

At 13, he asks Pig Higgins to do a search on Neil's name but the policeman refuses. 

At 14, he goes through the entire directory for California and when that's exhausted, he starts searching every state from West to East. 

He calls 362 Jostens across the USA. None are Neil.

When he turns 16, he uses a fake and has two small dragons outlined on the top of his left shoulder. 

When he's 17 he meets Riko and Kevin Day. He remembers Neil once saying he'd met Kevin and wonders if that was true or just one of Neil's many many lies. He turns the Ravens down.

He signs two weeks later with the Palmetto State Foxes - taking his brother and cousin with him. 

He watches as the lists of drafted players on other teams go up. There's no Chris or Stefan or Abram - not with the matching face Andrew wants. There's no sign of a Neil Josten.

Andrew smooths out the photo at night, slipping it between the pages of Whitman's Leaves of Grass every morning. 

Maybe it's time to put the memory of Neil to rest, but he can't. 

Neil is one of those beautiful ghosts that he can't help but hold onto. The one unspoilt thing in his memory.

Unspoilt, that is, until a Monday when Kevin Day announces he's recruiting a nobody from a nothing town in the middle of nowhere Arizona and the nobody's name is Neil.

"Neil what?" 

"Josten. Want to see his tape?" 

"Nope," Andrew says. But his heart is a thunderdrum, hope cutting through the medicated hyper mania easy as a knife through butter. "Actually yes, gimme the tapes little birdie." 

Kevin grimaces at his nickname but says nothing until they’re watching the tape. And then he can’t shut up about the player’s potential, his speed and natural flare on the Court. 

It's not Andrew’s Neil. 

But it is too. 

The striker on the court is a brunette with dark eyes but he runs like Neil. He's ferocious and plays like it's the last thing keeping him afloat. He has that little flick of his racquet before he goes to score, a telltale that would never get passed Andrew but no one else seemed to have noticed. 

Andrew says as much to Kevin. 

"Exactly," Kevin says. "That's why we have to have him."

So they go to Millport. 

And Andrew knows Neil well enough to anticipate that he'll run. 

Knows him well enough to trip him with a racquet and catch him as he falls. 

Neil hasn't grown much either - he's still small and sharp and far too pretty to be real.

"Stupid little liar, you should watch where you put your feet." Andrew wishes he were sober. Wishes he didn't have to greet Neil with this grin splitting his face. 

Wishes wishes wishes. 

But his one wish has already come true, Neil is here with him. Warm and lithe and alive.

"Drew?" Neil says, but the word is choked and breathless. Neil’s voice does something to Andrew’s insides and Andrew feels the muscles beneath his hands warring between flight and relief. 

"Neil," he replies. 

"Oh my god, Drew." 

And then Neil's arms are around Andrew's shoulders, and his face is turning into his neck and Andrew realises they're hugging and he shouldn't want to hug back but he does. He does because it's Neil. His friend. His pipe dream. The little boy with the pathological need to lie and an imagination that could create whole worlds from a handful of dust. 

He hugs Neil tight. 

Never wants to let go.

Kevin of course ruins the moment. 

But Neil isn't going to say no to the Foxes. Not now. 

And even though Andrew can recognise the lies slipping passed Neil's lips, he doesn't tell Wymack. Doesn't call out his idiot's new ouchies. Doesn't answer any questions when Kevin demands answers.

"Sign," he speaks only to Neil. He means, Stay with me. "We can play a game. Yes or no?" 

"Yes," Neil says and his smile is a little wild, a lot wonderful. "Let's play a game."

The End.

[paths-of-my-childhood-candid]

OH, TAYLOR! Taylor Swift On Side-Stepping Into Acting, Owning What You Make & Loving The “Weirdness” Of Cats

On a grey London afternoon in late September, Taylor Swift slips quietly through the doors of a north London recording studio. It is an auspicious moment: the queen of confessional pop has come to meet Andrew Lloyd Webber, the king of musical theatre. Together, Swift, who turns 30 this month, and Lloyd Webber, 71, have written “Beautiful Ghosts”, a new song for the soon-to-be-released film adaptation of Cats – Webber’s 1981 extravaganza, which ran in the West End and on Broadway for a combined total of almost 40 years. In it, Swift plays Bombalurina, and like her co-stars – Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Francesca Hayward, Ian McKellen, Jennifer Hudson, Rebel Wilson – appears in full, furry CGI glory. Track finished, these two titans of the music industry sit down to talk… 

Andrew Lloyd Webber: Well, the first thing we have to clear up is that we both love cats. Taylor Swift: [Laughs] We do! One of the first things you said to me when we met was that you’re president of the Turkish Van Cat Club.  ALW: Professionally, there is nowhere I can go to top this, as you can completely understand. TS: I have three cats. How many do you have now?  ALW: I have three, too – they are all Turkish Vans. And you’ve got a Scottish Fold I believe. TS: I have two Scottish Folds, we think the third is a Ragdoll mix. ALW: You’re probably never going to talk to me again, but you know I’ve got a puppy? He’s called Mojito.  TS: I heard about this! How does he get along in the hierarchy?  ALW: Well, he believes he’s a little bear actually. He’s a Havanese dog, which I got because Glenn Close has one. TS: I’ve met that dog, he’s really good. ALW: You come from Pennsylvania. TS: I do. People seem to think I was raised in the south, but I’m from the north – grew up on a Christmas tree farm, then moved to Nashville when I was 14. ALW: And you wanted to move to Nashville for the songwriting or the singing? Or both? TS: Both – I was just obsessed with Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Dixie Chicks, and the thing they had in common was that they had gotten discovered in Nashville. So I had it in my head that this is a magical place where discoveries are made and people are able to do music as a living. ALW: Was it the storytelling side of country songs that you liked? Absolutely. It reminded me of the ’90s, when you had these amazing female singer-songwriters like Alanis Morissette and Sarah McLachlan; incredible female writers like Melissa Etheridge, Shawn Colvin; and these types of Lilith Fair women. Then you started to hit the 2000s and the only place I could find real confessional storytelling was country music. ALW: Did you know anybody when you got to Nashville? TS: No, we didn’t really. I’d been going there on vacation with my family, and my mom, my little brother and I would stay in a hotel and try to meet people. Eventually, after several trips, I got a development deal – it’s a non-committal record deal, like, “We’ll watch you develop for a year and then we’ll decide if we sign you.” That was grounds enough to move the family. ALW: Presumably you were in school in Nashville as well? TS: Yes, I was going to high school during the day and doing my songwriting sessions at night. It was a double life. I’d be writing notes in class, and my teachers never knew if they were notes for my class or if I’d gotten an idea for a song. ALW: How many songs would you write in a day? TS: Usually, never more than one. I had these sessions every day, and if I didn’t come in with a good idea, I’d get stared at. You’re not inspired every day, as you know, but you have to show up and treat it like a job. That’s where I learned the craft of songwriting. ALW: I’ve never worked like that, because I’m so story driven. What interests me, though, is how Nashville works. How did you get your foot on the performing ladder? TS: It was really writing first. At the same time, I was singing the national anthem every time I could – at festivals and fairs and bars, anywhere I could get up on stage. I was trying to hone both sides of what I was doing, but I’m very well aware that I would not have a career if I hadn’t been a writer. I wouldn’t have just been a singer, it wouldn’t have worked. ALW: I guess that, today, very few people have a major career unless they write. TS: Yeah, I agree. I think it’s really important – also from the side of ownership over what you do and make. Even if you aren’t a natural writer, you should try to involve yourself in the messages you’re sending. ALW: How does a young country artist get their first break? TS: I worked as hard as I could, reached out to as many people as I could to make sure I got meetings with publishing companies and labels. They didn’t come about very easily, but once I got in the room I’d just get out my guitar and play for them. ALW: Do you have to sing in a certain club to get to the next stage? TS: Everyone does it a different way, but the Bluebird Cafe is a place where everyone was discovered – from Garth Brooks to Faith Hill to, arguably, me. I remember being at your house after we’d written a song, and you telling me you’d bought it when you were 24 or something, that’s when I realised just how young you were when you had a vision to be doing this at such a high level. ALW: I was writing for the theatre when I was eight-years-old. I had a little toy theatre and did dreadful musicals on terrible subjects. Then, when I was about 13, I met a boy who wanted to write lyrics, and we did a couple of musicals at school. TS: So from the beginning you would pair up with a lyricist? ALW: One of the things I worked out very early was Lloyd Webber and lyrics are not a good idea. TS: Wow. It is a good alliteration, though. ALW: You were 19, weren’t you, when you had your first big hit? TS: I was about 18 when “Love Story”, a song I’d written alone, was a worldwide hit. I was lucky enough to work my way up in country music, for new artists nowadays, it feels like the trajectory of their career is like being shot out of a canon into a stratosphere they could in no way be prepared for. I got to sort of acclimate to every step of the path I was on, and by the time I had a massive hit I’d been working since I was 14. Moving from country music to pop was a crazy adjustment for me. ALW: And now we’ve written “Beautiful Ghosts” together for Cats. TS: I remember the moment. I went over to your apartment to rehearse “Macavity” and you sat down at the piano and started to play this haunting, beautiful melody, and I think I just started singing to it right away. ALW: You wrote the lyrics more or less then and there – it was fantastic. TS: It’s a different perspective on the song “Memory”, too, and the character of Grizabella [played by Jennifer Hudson], who used to have majestic, glamorous times and doesn’t anymore. On the other side of it, you have this little white cat [Victoria, played by Francesca Hayward] who’s been abandoned – she’s afraid she’ll never have a chance to have beautiful memories. So that’s where she’s singing “Beautiful Ghosts” from, to counter Grizabella’s idea of tragedy. ALW: I’d like to come back to something I thought when I heard your album, Lover – which is really absolutely brilliant. Am I right in thinking you approached its recording just as though you were giving live performances? TS: I did. I was really singing a lot at that point – I’d just come from a stadium tour, and then did Cats, which was all based on live performances – so a lot of that album is nearly whole takes. When you perform live, you’re narrating and you’re getting into the story and you’re making faces that are ugly and you’re putting a different meaning on a song every time you perform it. ALW: That’s the point isn’t it. TS: Yeah. ALW: Does that ever make you feel you want to be an actress? TS: I have no idea. When I was younger, I used to get questions like, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” I’d try to answer. As I get older, I’m learning that wisdom is learning how dumb you are compared to how much you are going to know. I really had an amazing time with Cats. I think I loved the weirdness of it. I loved how I felt I’d never get another opportunity to be like this in my life. ALW: It’s weird, what I’ve seen of the movie. TS: It’s decidedly weird [they laugh]. ALW: I think Tom [Hooper, the film’s director] has really tried to make something original. And I agree, I think as you get older you do become less sure of yourself and start to question what you can do. Would you consider doing a musical? TS: A musical? Absolutely, absolutely. ALW: Or writing your own? TS: That is way up there on my list of dreams. ALW: You should. TS: Was it really wonderful for you when you got the news that Judi Dench had accepted the role of Old Deuteronomy? ALW: Judi was in the original version in 1981 but she snapped her Achilles tendon and had to withdraw. Then I had this idea, which I ran past Tom, that we could make Old Deuteronomy a woman. Seeing her perform this time was quite an emotional thing for me, because it was a very, very sad day when she had to leave the original show. TS: She’s lovely. I remember being on set, and there is one scene that Idris [Elba, who plays Macavity] and I do with Judi, and someone walked up to me with this kind of gummy candy and I was like, “Oh, I’ve never had this before, this must be British candy, this is amazing.” I was raving about this candy so much, and Judi must have overheard me, because the next day I got to my dressing room and there was a signed photo from Judi and, like, six bags of it [they laugh]. Andrew, we both started young. What do we have in common from our experiences? What do you think was hard about it? And what was great? ALW: I suppose what was hard for me was that I was a fish out of the mainstream water. In the 1960s, to love musicals was as uncool as you could possibly be, and kids in my class at school would laugh at me. TS: I was the same. I loved country music and, where I was in school, the kids were just completely perplexed by that. It’s gotten more mainstream, but when I was a 13-year-old in Pennsylvania, I got similar reactions. Do you feel like you’re glad you were really young when you started? ALW: Yeah, are you? TS: I’m really glad, even though there are challenges to it – like you’re not allowed to make the same mistakes as everyone else because your mistakes are a commodity. ALW: And your mistakes are made in public. But we share something in common, in which we are extremely lucky. We both knew at an early age what we wanted to do, and most people in life don’t have a clue. TS: That’s very true. I think, also, a lot of the time when people see a career that they want it can be results-based. Rather than wanting to write musicals, they want to be a person who has written musicals. But when I see you work, I see you consistently creating and being curious about the next idea. You relish in the process even more than the rewards, which is the advice I would give anyone who wanted to do anything remotely close to this job. It cannot be about the results. ALW: It’s the process isn’t it? TS: It has to be. It’s supposed to be fun!

MEET & GREET: Introducing the faces behind this month’s issue

When it came to interviewing Taylor Swift about her musical-movie debut in Cats, there was only one man for the job: Andrew Lloyd Webber, composer of the original West End and Broadway mega hit. The two colossi of songwriting had plenty to discuss at a recording studio in north London – art, ambition and authenticity, plus what we can expect from the soon-to-be-released film.

Vogue: What was it like to work with Taylor? Andrew Lloyd Webber: She’s supremely professional and very charming with it. In my view, she could go far. Vogue: What was your first impression of her? ALW: She’s a lot taller than me, and a lot more attractive. Vogue: What’s your favourite Swift hit? ALW: “Blank Space” from the album 1989. It’s a great pop song with great lyrics.

[hello-there]

Communities are a new way to connect with the people on Tumblr who care about the things you care about! Browse Communities to find the perfect one for your interests or create a new one and invite your friends and mutuals!

[pensivetense]

A List Of (Mostly TMA) Fic Recs Sorted By Vibe

Not an exhaustive list by any means, just a few favourites that caught my fancy. I shortened many of the summaries for space.

I’m going to pin this here and update it as I go.

Also, I’m pensivetense on ao3

MELANCHOLY VIBES

for when you want to feel comfortably muted

(sad but not utterly bleak endings here)

Hope, Etc. (Dickenson, et al.) by yellow_caballero

Jonathan Sims, six months after the Unknowing, wakes to find himself without a daemon - without humanity, without a soul. It’s a cursed half-life, but existence as a shell without a heart isn’t so bad: between solving the mystery of a persistent illusion cast over his friends and some light pseudo-cannibalism, a life as a monster is better than no life at all. At least, it would be, if it wasn’t for the fucking Owl.

A freaking. Amazing. Daemon au. Ties the lore of Dust with TMA lore very satisfyingly, but is mostly about Jon navigating what it means to be human, or, in the absence of that, a person, and doesn’t require prior knowledge of His Dark Materials. Cannot recommend highly enough.

after one long season of waiting by nuinuijiaojiao

Annabelle is not used to having nice things. or, Annabelle heads to Upton House, muses a little, and gets some well-deserved rest

I love survivalist Annabelle and also the concept of the Web as kind of a horrible Patron, actually.

i love you. I want us both to eat well. by SmallishWormMasterOfTheUniverse

At the safehouse with Martin, Jon decides it's time to quit statements once and for all. The Eye disagrees. Martin just needs Jon to be okay. It's quite possible that nobody is going to get what they want.

Scottish Safehouse Era, Jon and Martin coping with their respective Entities... really, really good.

the friend by doomcountry

He always greets a new spider when he meets it. It’s instinct, born in childhood, the same way he instinctively counts magpies, or flicks salt over his left shoulder. A little harmless superstition. A bit of politesse.

A great Martin character study with eldritch spider horror included. The imagery regularly haunts me (in a good way).

autumn’s rare gift by bee_bro

Annually, the two meet, renewing the binding ritual where it had all started. The procedure simple: a waltz.

Singlehandedly made me ship Gertrude/Agnes so there’s that. It’s so bittersweet and bee_bro’s writing is, as always, incredibly poetic. (I’d recommend everything they write, actually.)

smile, you’re trending by Goodluckdetective

During an encounter with another Avatar of the Eye, Jon faces his past, Martin takes a turn at playing Kill Bill and Basira has a second look at the monster she’s determined to see. For three people associated with the Eye, they could all use some perspective.

Features an original Eye Avatar character who’s a YouTube personality; she is infuriating and inspired and genuinely frightening and I cannot say enough good things.

Humility by The_Lionheart

have you no idea that you're in deep?/i've dreamt about you nearly every night this week,/how many secrets can you keep?

An OC centric story but don’t let that put you off, it’s amazing. Very heavily focused around Jonah Magnus and the other Avatars as they change through the years. Also, I’d die for the OC.

oh, for one sweet second without the eye series by faedemon

Beholding does not like in the way humans do, but it likes its Archivist all the same.

I’m just so fond of the way this is done stylistically. I have a great weakness for dialogue only/dialogue heavy writing, not to mention all of the wonderful character beats and interplay of humanity/inhumanity for Jon and Melanie.

Rewind by WhyNotFly

It takes eight days of forced confinement for Jon to start hallucinating. [...] It’s Martin, though, that his exhausted brain conjures, because of course it’s Martin. After all this time, of course it’s Martin.

Jon willingly allows himself to be confined rather than hunting for statements, and examines his relationship with Martin.

for a firmament series by supaslim

There is beauty in destruction. There is art in becoming. In which Jon becomes the Archive, and the Archive becomes Jon.

Part two posted this morning and uhhh. Good. Also if you’re here for weird eldritch body horror (I am), this one’s for you.

ONES THAT JUST HURT

for when you want to feel sad

(somewhat bleaker endings here/everyone is NOT okay)

Feste by yellow_caballero

If asked, Martin would say that he became the shadow director of the Magnus Institute by accident. But nobody ever asked, and nobody ever cared, and it was in this way that Martin stopped lying to himself. Or: break free, Martin. All you have to lose are your chains. And your sanity.

Oh, this one totally didn’t go the way I expected it to. A study in isolation. Could go into the category above, as the ending is not bleak, but the tone of the whole is somewhat more depressing than most there.

Ghosts of Love by RavenXavier

Nothing made Martin more grounded in the world than yearning for Jonathan Sims.

Lonely!Martin that really captures a sort of visceral ache. Hurts me and yet I keep rereading.

i do desire (we may be better strangers) by godbewithyouihavedone

For ages, it only knew how to worship, taking human bodies and living off the fear of those who remembered. It never knew love until it became Jonathan Sims. Now it must fight against every instinct to save Martin Blackwood. Archivist Sasha, Not!Jon/Martin, and the worst kind of Fake Dating AU.

Oh, this one just made me sad. The poor not!them, which is something I never thought I’d say.

Apple Of Your Eye by fakeCRfan

In which the Eye is fond of Martin. Perhaps a little too fond for comfort.

Somehow manages to be both sweet and horrifying—the characterisation of the Eye is incredible. ‘The Eye loves Martin’ is a scenario that’s so utterly doomed to failure and yet the writing is packed with so much pathos that I just want them all to be happy. A fantastic use of themes of agency and choice, and the single best use of Beholding as a source of horror I’ve read.

The Last Press by copperbadge

Jon Sims is awake, and has begun preparations for the Rite of the Watcher's Crown. Peter Lukas, who woke him, would be content to rule at his side. Martin is very upset about all of this, and the Lukases aren't thrilled with it either.

I really can’t say anything without spoiling the end and it’s so good. An alternate take on the Watcher’s Crown. Not a pairing that I ever thought would work for me, but this made it work.

watch the blood evaporate by 75hearts

It starts, like so many things in Jon’s life have started, with a nagging itch of curiosity. Jonathan Sims uses his healing abilities throughout s4. Read the tags.

Dear God please read the tags. But this is some high quality pain if it’s for you.

the lighthouse series by low_fi

Peter Lukas is a lighthouse keeper. One evening, he gets a call from a cryptic overseer tasked with monitoring his work.

This is such a vivid and yet subtle story—from the setting to the emotions portrayed, it creeps up on you slowly. The ending was like the gentlest possible gut-punch. The sequel just completed, and yeah, just as wonderful. This one is very much LonelyEyes but I listed it here because it is just exquisitely painful.

SATISFYINGLY HOPEFUL VIBES

for when you want to feel cozy

Clutching Daffodils by Gemi

Martin has always liked the idea of love at first sight. It’s such a romantic idea, the whole thing of it. Seeing someone and instantly feeling that strange, twisting feeling deep inside that every single media likes to obsess over. Of knowing you are in love within the day, petals falling from your mouth and warmth filling your chest as love burrows deep, vines twisting through your lungs. He always liked the idea of it. And then Jonathan Sims starts working at the Magnus Institute.

Somehow manages to be lighter and fluffier than most hanahaki fare, despite the setting. I’ve reread this one a lot.

the least he could do by Prim_the_Amazing

Martin should in fact not pick this man, specifically because of how attracted he is to him. It would be the responsible thing to do. Except he’s already following him. And he’s hungry.

Fluffy vampire au which everyone’s probably already read, but was too good not to mention.

rather interesting by bee_bro

Jonah Magnus realizes that, for some reason, when he comes in contact with weed, Elias Bouchard's consciousness will come into his life banging pots and pans.

Oh boy. So these are all favourite fics but this one is a favourite amongst favourites. The way Jonah is characterised (i.e. incredibly sensitive to scrutiny) is my favourite depiction of him, and the slow-burn between him and Elias is far sweeter than it has any right to be. Also, it’s hilarious.

The Magnus Records series by ErinsWorks

In a world parallel to that of the Archives and the Institute, a supernatural sanctuary stands against a cruel and uncaring world: A world of bureaucracy and tyranny, of murder and carnage, of loneliness and surveillence, of plague and death. But in this world of fear and misery, 14 entities born of the hopes of the world have emerged. And one of them has made their home here, at The Magnus Sanctuary. Perhaps, the employees within may lead happier lives than their counterparts did in the Archives.

This is just so goddamn pure. The author writes a really imaginative, fleshed-out alternate world and alternate Entities with engaging, well-written short statements. All of the character voices are absolutely on point, and it’s overall absurdly hopeful without ever feeling overly saccharine. I love this series so much, you guys, you don’t even know. I want to print it out and paste it on my wall. I love it.

HARD APOCALYPSE

for when you want to feel dark and angsty (and eldritch)

Most of these are shorts/oneshots because it’s just that kind of genre, y’know?

Ashes to Ashes by marrowbones

A conversation at the end of the world.

Oliver Banks is one of those minor characters that I am overly attached to. Love him here.

Employee Benefits by equals_eleven_thirds

The Magnus Institute offered some normal employee benefits: a pension plan, holidays, travel subsidies, free lunch on the last Friday of each month. Rosie makes it work.

This manages to hit that perfect sweet spot of satisfying and hilarious. Rosie gets to torment Elias, as she well deserves.

a rose by any other name by Duck_Life

Part of Jon blooms in Jared Hopworth’s garden.

This one was sad and honestly too gentle to really belong in this category, but I love it.

Eye to Eye by Dribbledscribbles

In which Jonah Magnus attempts a post-apocalyptic pep talk.

Unreliable narrator at its finest, and the implications are suitably horrific.

commensalis by doomcountry

The tower is endlessly, impossibly tall, but Jon’s work is taller.

If you’re here for the eldritch imagery, then this has some of the best.

SOFT APOCALYPSE

for when you want to feel gently triumphant

apocalypse how series by sunshine_states

Humanity adjusts. The Entities have Regrets.

Some nice vignettes set in a kinder apocalypse.

ceylon series by Sciosa

The one in which Jonathan Sims decides that no, actually, he isn't going to let the world just end.

I include this only for the sake on completeness, as everyone has no doubt already read it.

rituals by doomcountry

Martin is the first person to knock on the Archivist's door since it arrived, fully, into its little waiting temple. The Archivist saw him coming from down the hall, but decides to feign interest when the knob turns, and Martin—still a little bit smaller, a little more translucent than before—stands uncertainly just outside the room.

This one’s a little less focused on the world at large and more on JonMartin specifically.

we raise it up by savrenim

Jonathan Sims reads a book and saves the world; although maybe the real salvation is the friends he makes along the way; (although perhaps the world itself and the darkness that exists behind it isn't quite as out to get everyone as it seems).

More ‘soft revolution’ than ‘soft apocalypse’, but has the same vibe. A time travel fix-it. Incomplete but worth it if this is a mood that appeals to you.

Scarred Ground by DictionaryWrites

“You see," Elias said softly, "people always have this idea that only living things can be scarred - and they're right, of course. But a building is a living thing, Martin. And the ground can be scarred, too." "I don't have any scars," Martin said. "Yes, you do," Elias said. "You just need the right light to see them.”

Falls somewhere between ‘Apocalypse’ and ‘Soft Apocalyse’ but I’m putting it here because I feel like it. Also technically a LonelyEyes fic. I found it hard to follow at first but it’s worth sticking with; things will eventually begin to make sense and come together.

LONELYEYES

for when you want to feel lonelyeyes

marrying anguish with one last wish by procrastinatingbookworm

In which Elias isn't Orpheus, and Peter isn't Eurydice, but Elias brings Peter home anyway.

Lives in my head rent free forever. My favourite lonelyeyes fic.

ouroboros by Wildehack

“You know,” Jonah says, a muscle in his calf quivering agreeably where it’s slung over Mordechai’s shoulder, “it’s really quite--fortunate--that I don’t care for you at all.”

Oh, this one hurts in the best possible way. The endless cycle of their relationship, the way it comes full-circle... yeah, good. Actually, no, this one might be my favourite. It’s a tie.

Breaking all the Rules by Thedupshadove

Elias proposes a somewhat...unusual wager.

Soft lonelyeyes? In my recs? It’s more likely than you think. Short, sweet, and... sweet.

Threefold by Sprinkledeath

Peter Lukas breaks three rules.

I’m just a slut for mythology allusions I guess.

Luck Be A Lady Tonight by prodigy

In 2014, Elias Bouchard takes a rare trip outside of his comfort zone. Peter Lukas wastes a bunch of money. You'd be surprised how many things can go wrong for two beings of cosmic power.

I love the sense of the history of them you get while reading this.

love is just a word (the idea seems absurd) by kaneklutz

"Something's wrong. It's stopped hurting" An avatar of the Lonely and an avatar of the Beholding walk into a bar relationship. It was bound to blow up in their faces.

Short, sweet, painful. Excellent exploration of their priorities.

Victor by penguistifical

elias tries something with his powers that he hasn't attempted before

The one where Elias tries to raise the dead. Not incredibly LonelyEyes centric but that’s still the pairing.

Simon Says by penguistifical

“Peter asked me to drop by and have a word with you, and, so, here I am.” Simon chuckles at Elias’s disbelieving stare. “Well, he asked in his own way. He’s not a complicated man, you know. He either comes from your arms looking like a stroked cat that’s been given a dish of cream or looking like he’s been in that toy boat of his out in an unexpected storm. He was far angrier than normal, so I daresay you weren’t cream today.”

I mean personally I’d just go ahead and rec all of penguistifical’s LonelyEyes fics but this is a standout for me.

AROMANTIC AND ASPEC MOODS

for when you want to feel Seen

The Aro Archives series by WhyNotFly

These are all just really really good. From Aro!Peter to two different aro-spec versions of the Scottish Safehouse to a long and beautiful aro hanahaki fic, this series is uniformly wonderful. The two Scottish Safehouse ones (Torn Edges and Murky Water) are my comfort fics.

and now all fear gives way by j_quadrifons

Before he can think it through, he murmurs, "Is that what it feels like? Being in love?" Martin's hand stills in his hair and Jon's stomach drops.

This one just. Wow yeah this is how it be. Another absolute comfort fic of mine.

Sweet As Roses by Prim_the_Amazing

Jon takes Martin by the shoulders, leans up on the tips of his toes, and kisses him.

I’m going to be honest—I didn’t know where to put this one. But it ended up here because the real standout of this fic for me is the portrayal of Sasha, and especially her portrayal as an aro character. So I’m putting it here. Mind the content warnings with this one!

HUMOUR

for when you want to feel delight

The Torment of Sebastian Skinner by Urbenmyth

After the Eye's victory, the statement givers are trapped in their horror stories, living them over and over again. Naturally, this works out better for some then for others.

Premise? Delightful. Execution? Fantastic. I read this one to cheer myself up when I’m sad.

Unlucky by VolxdoSioda

Jon’s dice betray him

Short, sweet DnD au, and the reason I cannot get DM!Elias out of my head now.

Voracious by beetl

A bird hits the window. Jon experiences The Flesh's thrall.

“Dead Dove: Do Not Eat” but make it literal.

The Stupid Endings by Urbenmyth

There are a lot of very deeply thought out and creative AUs on this site. These aren't among them. These ones are how the story could have ended, if Jonny Sims was a dumbass.

These are just uniformly hilarious, I cannot recommend them highly enough.

PODCAST CROSSOVERS

for when you want to make one of those “if I had a nickel for every time...” posts

The Sabbatical by morelikeassassin

Nicholas Waters is in need of an all-knowing eldritch entity beyond the confines of human imagining to help with his latest ritual. He'll have to settle for Jonathan Sims, who happens to have nothing better to do.

Crossover with Archive 81 (s3, specifically). Both fun and bittersweet.

The City And Its Sorrows by cuttooth

“What makes you think your friend is in Eskew?” David asks. He feels he can risk the scrutiny of the city that far. “I read that this is a place people end up when they get lost,” says the man. “This is a place people end up,” David agrees./The Archivist comes to Eskew.

Contemplative piece, and I love the way it presents David’s relationship with Eskew, the way he finds it horrible and hates it and yet belongs to it, is almost proud in the way he shows to to Jon. Great little vignette of two people oppressed by eldritch powers, intersecting.

Hiatus by bibliocratic

My name is Jonathan Sims, and I am in Eskew. (Jon gets lost in a Spiral city. It is not as easy as escaping.)

This one is far more focused on Jon than David, and is honestly more Eskew-weird than Spiral-weird. In the best way. Told in Eskew episode style, and is very good.

Sweet Music by Shella688

Eskew has a music to it, if you know how to listen. The percussion beat of thousands of footsteps, the melody in the squealing of the trains overhead. Today, the music of Eskew comes in the form of nine musicians, playing outside my office. My name is David Ward, and I am in Eskew.

Not TMA, but since a lot of Mechs fans go here—this one’s a Mechs/Eskew crossover. Short and simple, mostly David Ward centric, just a little well-written one shot I had to mention because I enjoyed it but it doesn’t have much traffic. Nice portrayal of the Mechs from an outsider’s perspective, and how genuinely strange and frightening they’d come across (especially if you’re already being haunted by and eldritch city). If you like Eskew-style storytelling, check it out!

NOT TMA

...but good enough that I physically cannot make a recs list without including them. Here!

[severetimetravelnerd]

Hatred and Love (ft. G Dragon) Mafia AU

Part 14

Jiyong realises something very important.

(I don’t own any of the images used. All credit goes to the original owners.)

Taglist:

@unabashedturkeytreeslime​

@happiestgirlontheeastcoast​

@kwonnansi​

@aarfyie​

@suhappysuho​

If there is anyone else who would like to be tagged, you can comment or leave me a message :))

I only write on this blog on tumblr, so if you see my work on any other platform, please let me know immediately.

Now, things are coming to a close. It has appearances from Daesung, Taeyang, TOP, Mino, Hanbin and EXO (mostly Kai). This continues with the EXO storyline, but again, I have nothing against EXO :)) I love them, but I had to use someone for the plot. This chapter has a lot of Suho. It also has a good amount of Xiumin:))

This is the last part of the series and I’m so sorry it took me so long to upload it :(((( I know it’s been ages, but after all of this, I just blanked out when it came to the ending. Thanks for supporting me and following the story :)) I’m going to miss this one :))

Warnings: Violence, Death(not main character), Injury, Blood, Eventual smut, Abduction, Guns and Knives, language. 

————————————————————————–

You had no idea what to expect. You turned to Jiyong, eyebrows raised, wondering what Joonmyeon could possibly want, but Jiyong looked just as stumped as you. He was also way angrier. His eyes immediately became cold and hard. 

“What does that fucker want now?” 

You gently took his hand, trying to calm him down. 

“Let’s go into this with an open mind? Maybe he wants to come up with some sort of agreement?” 

Jiyong tried to conceal his anger but that didn’t work very well. His jaw was absolutely taut when he spoke. 

“Y/N, he wants to fuck things up somehow. Why else would he want you there? You’re the one person I’m scared of disappointing.”

 You planted a light kiss on his cheek, instantly making him relax.

 “Then maybe that’s a good thing. You won’t do anything that would disappoint me.” 

He sighed, but he kissed you back.

 “You’re right, Y/N. You’re the only person I can stay calm for.”

The two of you walked into Jongin’s room, that had been turned into a makeshift conference room. Joonmyeon was there in a wheelchair. Yixing and Sehun were also there with their hands bound, both flanked by Hanbin and Mino, making sure neither of them try something funny. Jiyong took his place at the head of the table, prepared to let Joonmyeon start, but Joonmyeon looked up straight at you. Still looking at you, he said, 

“No Jiyong. That seat isn’t for you. That seat is for her. Your side of the table is over there.” 

Jiyong stretched his neck, unable to believe what Joonmyeon just told him. You were also in complete shock. Why would he want you at the head of the table? Before you could overthink it, Joonmyeon said, 

“I want Y/N to be the head and mediator of this meeting. She can guide us towards a merger.” 

His eyes were thrown at you, as though daring you to take up the challenge, daring you to mess up. Jiyong eyes turned dark with pure, unadulterated rage and he was about to step in when you met Joonmyeon’s gaze. This guy had messed with you one too many times. You had had enough.

 “Okay Joonmyeon. I will.” 

Every single head in the room whipped towards you, wondering what you were playing at. Jiyong, still in shock, quietly got up and went to his seat. You sat down, slowly crossing your legs. Your eyes were so determined, they were nearly piercing through Joonmyeon. No one there had ever seen you that way before. Not even when they first abducted you. Staring straight at him, you began. 

“Well, Joonmyeon, what did you want to discuss?”

 Your gaze was hostile, openly challenging him to try and mess with you. Joonmyeon hated it. He hated that he felt so guilty about harming you and Jongin. He hated that he owed you his life. He hated that he couldn’t completely hate you. This was just his way of trying to find reasons to hate you. But none of this struggle showed on the outside. Eyes cold and calculating, he said, 

“If we’re doing a merger, only I have control over my men.”

 Even before he finished the sentence, you could feel the anger and the protests from the rest of the room, including EXO, but you silenced them all with a glare. Joonmyeon just wanted to make things messy and you wouldn’t let him. Jiyong snarled when he heard that, but he calmed down when he looked at you there, his grip on his gun slowly loosening. Your voice was quiet but firm when you spoke. 

“Joonmyeon, I don’t think you understand your position. You asked for a merger. Not a partnership. With a merger, you become part of an organisation and work the same way the organisation had worked. So, no. You won’t be the only person to have control over your troops. You will be at the level assigned to you. And you will have to report to Jiyong.” 

Joonmyeon already knew all of that, but he just wanted to get a rise out of you. Nonchalantly stretching, he said,

 “Okay, but I’m second in command.”

 That was too much for Jiyong to bear and he scoffed. He threw his head back to laugh and then he slammed the table. His voice was dangerously detached when he did speak. 

“Joonmyeon, is this a joke to you?”

 You saw the glint in Joonmyeon’s eyes. He was happy he succeeded in getting a rise out of Jiyong. He felt that it somehow validated his behaviour and his deep-rooted hatred for them, although he knew they weren’t that bad. You had saved his life. Jiyong saved his men. He was just clutching at straws to justify his behaviour. You were determined to not give him those straws. You would make him realise that there wasn’t any justification for his behaviour. He would take accountability and realise where he went wrong, so that he could go back to being himself, instead of being obsessed with taking Jiyong down. Your hand quietly wrapped around Jiyong’s hand, silently urging him to not say anything. Jiyong eyes flashed, and he glared at you, annoyed that you were telling him to not react, but he kept quiet anyway. You tried to look at Joonmyeon, but he was refusing to look at you. He didn’t want to make eye contact. He could only put up the act as long as someone didn’t see through him. You tried to get him to peacefully meet your gaze, but when he absolutely refused to, you resorted to desperate measures. Standing up, you grabbed his chin and forced him to look straight at you. Your voice was still calm when you said,

 “Joonmyeon, you and I both know that’s not going to happen. You might not even get a commanding post for a while, because you, Yixing and Sehun have to prove your loyalties first. How are we supposed to trust you after everything that happened? You turned on Jongin. Why wouldn’t you do that again?” 

Joonmyeon could feel this crushing pain when you said that. He didn’t want to accept that he did that, but there was no other way to it. Joonmyeon lost all fight when you said that. You had seen through him. He quietly slipped out of your grasp and turned to Jongin, bowing deeply before saying, 

“Jongin, I’m sorry.” 

Jongin sat there, on his bed, in complete and utter shock. Joonmyeon hyung never apologised, especially not in front of other people. He was too in shock to say anything. Heart sinking even further, Joonmyeon turned to you, bowed and apologised. He then looked up and for the first time, his eyes were genuine. 

“Thank you for saving my life Y/N.”  

Everyone other than Minseok was in shock. Minseok had the slightest smile on his face. 

“Maybe we will get out Joonmyeon back after all.” 

Sehun and Yixing were both furious, and they were about to protest it, and Hanbin and Mino were ready to supress it, but you beat them to it. Voice cool, you said,

 “To prove their loyalty, Joonmyeon, Yixing and Sehun will work directly under Minseok and Youngbae for the next three months to start with. They’ll work on the Hongdae area.”

 Joonmyeon’s head shot up when he heard you. You were giving them control over Hongdae? The area that they’d been fighting for? Joonmyeon’s eyes teared up a little. He would finally get to take care of his sister’s grave. Joonmyeon immediately bowed before you. Yixing and Sehun were too shocked to do anything except stare at you in disbelief.

 “Thank you, Y/N. You don’t know how much this means to me.” 

You had the slightest smile on your face when you replied, 

“You’re welcome Joonmyeon.”

Jiyong sat there watching all the events unfold, feeling detached. He didn’t mind that you were making decisions for him. he knew the others wouldn’t mind either. He knew it was only because of you that they managed to resolve things with Joonmyeon. But he was more worried about the other things. The slight tremble in your hands from dealing with this. Your pale and tired face. Your tendency to flinch slightly when people make sudden movements. The near imperceptible tremor in your voice. You weren’t used to this, and it scared you. He felt awful. You didn’t deserve this. You had been through so much. You needed a break. And he would make sure you got one. For the first time in his life, Jiyong decided he would take a break with you. It wasn’t because he wanted to take a break, but more because you needed him around. As weird as it was, although Jiyong was the one drawing you into this world, your only way to feel better about everything was around him. And also, for the simple reason that he missed you, and couldn’t stand being away from you any longer. He was staring at you, making up his mind about exactly what to do when you turned to him.

 “Jiyong, that’s okay right?” 

He didn’t hear you. He had zoned you out, wondering how he got so lucky as to have you in his life. He would protect that at all costs. He would protect you at all costs. He would protect your happiness at all costs. You raised your eyebrows, wondering why he didn’t reply. You mentally scolded yourself for shooting your mouth off like that without talking to him first. You turned to Jiyong, much more nervous. 

“Jiyong? All okay, Love?” 

The vibe of the meeting had changed. Everything was much more relaxed. Sehun was trying hard not to cry, Yixing was apologising to everyone, Jongin was playfully guilt-tripping a very apologetic Joonmyeon about his injuries. But when you said that, everyone turned to Jiyong, a little nervous. He had a rather…intimidating reputation. Youngbae was the only one who was sure Jiyong would be okay with it. He was more interested in watching the drama between you and Jiyong unfold. Jiyong just stared at you, looking at him nervously. There was one thing that was different about you. No matter how nervous you were at that moment, there was no fear in your eyes. You looked at him trustingly, knowing fully well that no matter how dangerous a man he is, he would never hurt you. Ever. Jiyong didn’t bother answering your question. Jiyong just stood up, leaned over the table, grabbed your face and kissed you. A deep, hungry kiss. All his longing, all his fears, all his worries were in that. He deepened the kiss because as he felt your soft hands gently caress his bruised knuckles and kiss him back, he realised that there was something he needed to do. He needed to meet his grandmother.

You were very surprised when you were pulled up from your seat and kissed like there was no tomorrow, but you kissed him back equally longingly. You had missed him. You had never stopped worrying about him. You were right. You didn’t know whether there was going to be a tomorrow. You kissed him until you felt like you had the feel of his lips committed to memory. Cheers erupted all around you, although the two of you were quite oblivious to it. Hanbin rolled his eyes, laughing at the two of you while Jongin whistled. Hanbin leaned over and muttered to Jongin. 

“Thank god the two of them are back together. I didn’t think it was possible, but they’re more annoying on their own.”

 Jongin scoffed. 

“Hanbin, I can see that you’re tearing up.”

Jiyong pulled away first, both of you gasping for breath. You blushed at all the hooting boys around you, some newer than others, but all equally determined to embarrass you. Jiyong didn’t even bother to acknowledge the hooting. He just turned to Youngbae and whispered something in his ear, making you look at him quizzically. He turned to give you a quick, reassuring smile before speaking. 

“Okay. Now that the merger is done, I have an announcement. I’m going to be away for a month. Youngbae is second in command. Don’t try to reach me unless it’s absolutely urgent.” 

Your heart fell. He was going to be away for a month. After everything. When you had just gotten back together. You had missed him so much. But you tried your best to not let your face fall, sticking a weak smile on your face. If he was leaving, it had to be important. You would talk to him about it in private. Everyone nodded except Hanbin. Hanbin was pouting when he said,

 “Who’s after Youngbae hyung?” 

Jiyong froze for a second, staring at Hanbin before sighing and answering. 

“Seunghyun hyung.” 

“After him?”

 “Daesung.”

 “After him?” 

“Minseok.”

 Minseok looked surprised while Hanbin’s pout deepened.

 “Hanbin, are you really going to make me list this out in order?”

 “Yes.” 

Jiyong glared at him and answered. 

“Then it’s Mino. Then it’s Jongdae. Then it’s Baekhyun. Then Chanyeol. Then it’s you. Then it’s Jongin. Then it’s Kyungsoo. Then it’s Joonmyeon, Yixing and Sehun. In that order.”

 While the others laughed at Hanbin arguing with Jiyong, you struggled to keep that smile on your face. Jiyong playfully glared at the rest of the room before grabbing your hand and walking out of the room. Your heart sank even more. He was going to say bye. He was going to leave again. You were staring at the floor, letting yourself get lost in your thoughts when he tilted your head up and beamed at you, the smile leaving quickly when he saw that you weren’t smiling. 

“What’s wrong love?” 

You bit down on your trembling lips and looked away, not wanting to make him feel worse. He gently cupped your face and made you look at him. 

“Talk to me Y/N. Tell me what’s wrong.”

 You took a deep breath.

 “I’m just going to miss you Jiyong.”

 He looked terrified. 

“Why? Why’re you going to miss me? Are you leaving me?” 

You stared at him confused. 

“No. You’re going somewhere, remember?”

 Jiyong’s brows knitted together in confusion before he laughed and pulled you into a hug. 

“Sweetheart, if you think I’m going anywhere without you after not having seen you for the past month, you’re in for a surprise.”

 It took a while for it to hit you, but when you finally realised he wasn’t leaving, you hugged him tight, burying your face in his chest. You looked up at him, confused.

 “You mean I’m coming with you on work?” 

He leaned in and nibbled on your ear, pressing a light kiss against your neck before saying,

 “No. I mean we’re going on a holiday.”

 Two weeks later, you lay down on the plush bed in Jiyong’s hidden away holiday home, buried under the blankets and wearing his hoodie, so utterly happy with how everything just felt right. You closed your eyes and buried deeper into the bed, enjoying the warmth of it. You felt the bed dip as you heard Jiyong’s sleepy morning voice.

 “Good morning love. I got you your tea.”

 He sat and was about to sip his tea when you crawled into his lap and wrapped your arms around his neck, snuggling into him. Amused, he asked,

 “Do you not plan on letting me drink my tea?” 

You took in a deep breath, letting Jiyong’s familiar scent wash over you.

 “Nope.’’

 “Do you plan on moving from here?”

 Pressing a light kiss against his smile, you said,

 “Nope.”

 You stared out of the balcony. It was 3 am on your last night there, and you were lost in thought while you stared at the stars. That one month was magical. You had Jiyong all to yourself, and both of you sat and worked through the problems in your relationship. You knew you loved him. You knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. You knew you weren’t scared of him. You couldn’t live without him. You didn’t realise how windy it was until he walked out behind you, wrapping a blanket around you. He wrapped his arms around you and nuzzled into your neck. 

“Love, you have to be careful. You can’t stand out here in just my t shirt.” 

You turned around to face him, wrapping the blanket around the both of you. 

“Jiyong, you came out here in just your boxers. I don’t think you should be lecturing me.” 

He had this blissful smile as he kissed your forehead.

 “I couldn’t help it Y/N. I just needed to be out here with you.” 

You had the same blissful smile as you kissed him, letting yourself get lost in the kiss. He pulled away, suddenly looking nervous. 

“Y/N, I know we’re going back tomorrow, and I know I’ll get busy, but like we discussed, I promise I will always make time for you.” 

He paused to take a deep breath, desperately trying to calm down that rising feeling of nervousness in him. 

“I know you can do way better than me, and you deserve way better, but I promise I will always respect you, and I will do anything to make you happy. I’ve realised I can’t live without you, and I know this might be too sudden, and I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but you’re the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with and start a family with. So, Y/N L/N, will you do me the honour of marrying me?” 

You stared at him in shock for a minute, unable to comprehend what was going on before a single tear slipped down your face, and you burst into the largest smile you had in you. You nodded vigorously. 

“Yes, Kwon Jiyong, I would love to marry you.”

 Jiyong felt all the nervousness leave his body only to be replaced with an overwhelming, indescribable feeling of joy. There are no words for how he felt in that moment. And as he slipped on the beautiful ring his grandmother had given him to give you, he lifted you up and kissed you, knowing that everything finally felt right.

[thanosfarm]

Thanos: reading order (simple)

Irrelevant/not canon appearances in general are not included, no matter if they are a single panel or a complete saga.

1. THANOS WAR

 Iron Man #55

Captain Marvel #25

 Captain Marvel #26

Captain Marvel #27

Captain Marvel #28

 Captain Marvel #29

Captain Marvel #30

Marvel Feature #12

Captain Marvel #31

Captain Marvel #32

Avengers #125

Captain Marvel #33

2.  Warlock vs The Magus

Strange Tales #178

Strange Tales #179

Strange Tales #180

Strange Tales #181

Warlock #9

Warlock #10

Warlock #11

Warlock #15

Avengers Annual #7

Marvel Two-in-One Annual #2

3. 80’s and The Death of Captain Marvel

OUT OF CANON: Spidey Super Stories #39 (Thanoscopter’s appearance; and that isn’t the most terrible stuff in this story. A good read for the lols, but maybe difficult to find).

Marvel Graphic Novel #1 - The Death of Captain Marvel

4.   INFINITY GAUNTLET

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #34

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #35

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #36

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #37

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #38

The Thanos Quest #1

The Thanos Quest #2

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #40

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #44

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #45

Optional: Spider-man #17 (an autoconclusive chapter with Thanos and Mistress Death appearances, setted at some moent during Infinity Gauntlet. It has nothing to do with the main plot and can be considered out of canon).

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #46

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #47

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #48

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #49

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #50

Infinity Gauntlet #1

Infinity Gauntlet #2

Infinity Gauntlet #3

Infinity Gauntlet #4

Recommended: Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #55, #56 (while Silver Surfer is waiting for the moment of his intervention with Adam Warlock, he imagines a result of the conflict in which Thanos wins. Can be read as some kind of “What if…”.

Infinity Gauntlet #5

Recommended/optional: Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #59 (can be recommended because Thanos is in it, but the chapter itself is a side plot for Silver Surfer’s series while the main event continues).

Infinity Gauntlet #6

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #1

5. INFINITY WAR

Warlock & the Infinity Watch #7

Infinity War #1 (1992)

Infinity War #2

Infinity War #3

Marvel Comics Presents #108

Marvel Comics Presents #109

Marvel Comics Presents #110

Marvel Comics Presents #111

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #8

Recommended: Quasar #38 (the Clash between the Avengers and the Infinity Watch, mostly from Wendell’s point of view).

Infinity War #4

Infinity War #5

Recommended: Quasar #40 (more of Quasar’s plot in the moment he uses de Ultimate Nullifier).

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #9

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #10

Infinity War #6

 6. Between Infinity Sagas.

Marvel Holiday Special #2 [F Story]

Optional: Warlock and the Infinity Watch #15, 16 y 17 (for a better understanding of the next event beginning).

7. INFINITY CRUSADE

Infinity Crusade #1

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #18

Infinity Crusade #2

Warlock Chronicles #2

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #19

Infinity Crusade #3

Warlock Chronicles #3

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #20

Optional: Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #83 (it connects with Silver Sufer’s plot during main story).

Infinity Crusade #4

Warlock Chronicles #4

Optional: Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #84 (more of Silver Surfer’s plot during main story and its conclusion).

Infinity Crusade #5

Warlock Chronicles #5

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #22

Infinity Crusade #6

8. BLOOD AND THUNDER

Thor #468

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #86

Warlock Chronicles #6

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #23

Thor #469

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #87

Warlock Chronicles #7

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #24

Thor #470

Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #88

Warlock Chronicles #8

Warlock and the Infinity Watch #25

Thor #471

9. COSMIC POWERS

Secret Defenders #12

Secret Defenders #13

Secret Defenders #14

Cosmic Powers #1

Cosmic Powers #2

Cosmic Powers #3

Cosmic Powers #4

Cosmic Powers #5

Cosmic Powers #6

10. 90’s after Infinity Trilogy.

Optional: Silver Surfer Vol 3 #98 (a small appearance that can be considered canon)

Quasar #59

Cosmic Powers Unlimited #1

Warlock and the Infinity Watch # 40

Warlock and the Infinity Watch # 41

Warlock and the Infinity Watch # 42

11. The THANOSI*

*Thanos is veeeery bad written in the next sagas, so reading them is OPTIONAL . But I included them in the list because Jim Starlin retconned them as canon in his own way.

THANOSI Nº 1

Ka-Zar Annual

Ka-Zar Vol 4 # 8

Ka-Zar Vol 4 # 9

Ka-Zar Vol 4 # 10

Ka-Zar Vol 4 # 11

THANOSI Nº 2

X-Man/Hulk Annual #1

THANOSI Nº 3

Thor Vol. 2 #21

Thor Vol. 2 Annual 2000

Thor Vol. 2 #22

Thor Vol. 2 #23

Thor Vol. 2 #24

Thor Vol. 2 #25

THANOSI Nº 4 (AVENGERS:CELESTIAL QUEST)

Avengers: Celestial Quest #1

Avengers: Celestial Quest #2

Avengers: Celestial Quest #3

Avengers: Celestial Quest #4

Avengers: Celestial Quest #5

Avengers: Celestial Quest #6

 Avengers: Celestial Quest #7

Avengers: Celestial Quest #8

12. Mini-story in Captain Marvel Vol. 4

Captain Marvel Vol. 4 #17

Captain Marvel Vol. 4 #18

Captain Marvel Vol. 4 #19

13. INFINITY ABBYS

Infinity Abyss #1

Infinity Abyss #2  

Infinity Abyss #3  

Infinity Abyss #4  

Infinity Abyss #5  

Infinity Abyss #6  

14. MARVEL UNIVERSE: THE END

This event isn’t considered canon in general for Marvel Universe, but it is for Thanos.

Marvel Universe: The End #1

Marvel Universe: The End #2

Marvel Universe: The End #3

Marvel Universe: The End #4

Marvel Universe: The End #5

Marvel Universe: The End #6

15. THANOS: REDEMPTION

Thanos #1

Thanos #2  

Thanos #3  

Thanos #4  

Thanos #5  

Thanos #6

At this point ends Jim Starlin work in the main Thanos’ canon. From now on, he only is going to write the ending of his canon and a side-story while the main canon diverges substantially from his point of view.

16. THANOS: SAMARITAN

Thanos #7  

Thanos #8  

Thanos #9  

Thanos #10  

Thanos #11  

Thanos #12  

17. ANNIHILATION

Recommendation for a better understanding of the main event: Drax the Destroyer #1-#4

Annihilation: Prologue #1 (2006)

Recommendation for a better understanding of the main event: Annihilation:Nova #1-#4

Annihilation: Silver Surfer #1

Annihilation: Silver Surfer #2

Annihilation: Silver Surfer #3

Annihilation: Silver Surfer #4

Recommendation for a better understanding of the main event: Annihilation: Super-Skrull #1-#4 y Annihilation: Ronan #1-#4

Annihilation #1

Annihilation #2

Annihilation #3

Annihilation #4

Annihilation #5

Annihilation #6

18. THE THANOS IMPERATIVE

It can be convenient at least know the context and a summary of War of Kings event, and, specially, it’s continuation Realm of Kings, because first Thanos’ appearance in The Thanos Imperative takes place as result of this second event. Plus, it is the reason why he is in the next Guardians of the Galaxy chapters.

Guardians of the Galaxy #24

Guardians of the Galaxy #25

The Thanos Imperative: Ignition #1

The Thanos Imperative #1

The Thanos Imperative #2

The Thanos Imperative #3

The Thanos Imperative #4

The Thanos Imperative #5

The Thanos Imperative #6

———  ————    ————

At the end of The Thanos Imperative, it’s clear that no one knew what to do with Thanos, but he had to start becoming an important character in the comics because he was going to be the main villain the in movies. So they decided to reboot the character in a more dark tone, changing basic features of original Thanos, for a more modern view. In particular, they made official the idea of Thanos never getting over his obsession with Death; indeed, she is manipulating him since birth. This was because most of the public never followed the main canon properly, so Thanos was more known because of his sporadic appearances during 20 years as a standard basic villain, his obsession with Death never forgotten (and being she the responsible of that obsession and his acts), as if the development after Infinity Gauntlet never took place.  

Thanos and Gamora relationship is going to change too, gradually, and Nebula will become Thanos’ daughter too, both cases adapting the movies canon. Plus, in this new canon, Adam Warlock and Pip aren’t included as Thanos’ related characters.

19. THANOS RISING

Thanos Rising #1

Thanos Rising #2  

Thanos Rising #3  

Thanos Rising #4  

Thanos Rising #5  

Based on the reboot, Jonathan Hickman put Thanos as one of the villains of this series Avengers, New Avengers and Avengers World, that taked place at the same time during some years with a unique plot (ok, Avengers World started later in his run). The first turning point of this run was the event Infinity, in which not only Thanos is introduced, but it’s also the most influential work for everything related to his lore at this moment. If you are interested only in Thanos part, you can read his plot understanding the main ideas, and ignore the rest of the event. Problem is that, after Infinity, the series continued to a shared ending in the next event, Secret Wars, and Thanos appears sporadically to the end. My recommendation, if you don’t want to read the three series from the very beginning, is to search for a detailed summary to know what’s happening at any moment. Otherwise, even if his part in Infinity can be understand, the rest to Secret Wars is nearly impossible.  

 20. INFINITY

Free comic book day (2013) #1: Infinity

Infinity # 1

New Avengers #9

Infinity # 2

New Avengers #10

Infinity # 3

Infinity # 4

New Avengers #11

Infinity # 5

Infinity # 6

New Avengers #12

21. THANOS: A GOD UP THERE LISTENING

Note: this one was a web-comic that later was published as a comic book.

Thanos: A God Up There Listening #1

Thanos: A God Up There Listening #2  

Thanos: A God Up There Listening #3  

Thanos: A God Up There Listening #4  

Thanos: A God Up There Listening #5  

Thanos: A God Up There Listening #6  

22. Between Infinity and Secret Wars (I)

Hickman’s Avengers plots continues. Plus, at Guardians of the Galaxy we have some info about The Thanos Imperative ending and what happened to Quill, Nova, Drax and Thanos at Cancerverse.

New Avengers #19

Guardians of the Galaxy #18

Guardians of the Galaxy #19

Guardians of the Galaxy #20

Legendary Star-Lord #4

23. THANOS VS. HULK

Starlin returned to Marvel. This mini-series is a prologue to his new Thanos trilogy (yet you can finish Hickman’s Avengers to the end at Secret Wars and then return here).

Thanos vs Hulk #1

Thanos vs Hulk #2  

Thanos vs Hulk #3  

Thanos vs Hulk #4  

24. The New Infinity Trilogy

Actually, only the first part, The Infinity Revelation, was published at this moment. The rest of the graphic novels and the mini-series were released during the next years. But as this is the end of Starlin canon for Thanos, and has nothin to do with the official Marvel canon, I prefer to put all of it here for a simple reading.

Thanos Annual #1

The Infinity Revelation #1  

The Infinity Relativity #1

The Infinity Entity #1

The Infinity Entity #2  

The Infinity Entity #3  

The Infinity Entity #4  

The Infinity Finale #1

And this is the end of Thanos story according his creator, Jim Starlin. Later we’ll have a new trilogy that tell an auto conclusive side-story.

25. Between Infinity and Secret Wars (II)

Thanos part in Hickman’s plot continues.

New Avengers #24

Avengers #40

Avengers World #18

Avengers World #21

Avengers #41

Avengers #44

26. SECRET WARS

Secret Wars #1  

Secret Wars #2  

Secret Wars #3  

Optional: Infinity Gauntlet Vol. 2 #1-#5 (in this tie-in a Battle World Thanos appears, but he isn’t ‘our’ Thanos).

Secret Wars #4  

Secret Wars #5  

Siege #3

Secret Wars #6  

Siege #4

Secret Wars #7  

Secret Wars #8  

27. Ultimates and Civil War II

Recommendation: shearch for a summary of the first chapters of Ultimates Vol. 2 (or read them because they are good) to understand the context of number 5 and the next ones.

Ultimates Vol. 2 #5

 Ultimates Vol. 2 #7  

Free Comic Book Day 2016 (Civil War II) #1 [A Story]

Civil War II #1

Ultimates Vol. 2 #8  

Ultimates Vol. 2 #9  

Guardians of the Galaxy # 11

Ultimates Vol. 2 #10  

Ultimates Vol. 2 #11  

28. UNWORTHY THOR

Actually, Thanos part is only #2 and #5. That can be read while ignore the rest.

Unworthy Thor #2  

Unworthy Thor #5  

29. THANOS VOL. 2

Thanos Vol. 2 #1  

Thanos Vol. 2 #2  

Thanos Vol. 2 #3  

Thanos Vol. 2 #4  

Thanos Vol. 2 #5  

Thanos Vol. 2 #6  

Thanos Vol. 2 #7  

Thanos Vol. 2 #8  

Thanos Vol. 2 #9  

Thanos Vol. 2 #10  

Thanos Vol. 2 #11

Thanos Vol. 2 #12

Thanos Vol. 2 #13

Thanos Vol. 2 #14

Thanos Vol. 2 #15

Thanos Vol. 2 #16

Thanos Vol. 2 #17

Thanos Vol. 2 #18

30. The way to Infinity Wars

(This part should be checked carefully)

Mighty Thor #700

Thor #1

Thor #2

Thor #3

Thor #4

Thanos annual vol. 2 #1

Thanos Legacy (2018) #1

31. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2019

Guardians of the Galaxy # 1

Guardians of the Galaxy # 2

Guardians of the Galaxy # 3

Guardians of the Galaxy # 4

Guardians of the Galaxy # 5

Guardians of the Galaxy # 6

32. The Last Infinity Trilogy

Before the second Thanos’s regular series was approved, Starlin signed an agreement to make a new graphic novels trilogy about Thanos because Marvel wanted new material about him for IW release. At this moment Starlin can’t draw because an accident, so he works with Alan Davies. Shorly after the first part was published, the plot of the second part of the regular series was known, and Starlin was furious with Marvel because, according to him, they are copying his story. However, he accepts to end the trilogy because Davies involvement. Again, this story has nothing to do with current Thanos in Marvel canon.

The Infinity Siblings #1

The Infinity Conflict #2

The Infinity Ending #3

33. THANOS: ZERO SANCTUARY

A mini-story that definitley rewrites classic Gamora’s origin and her relationship with Thanos.

Thanos Vol. 3 # 1

Thanos Vol. 3 # 2

Thanos Vol. 3 # 3

Thanos Vol. 3 # 4

Thanos Vol. 3 # 5

Thanos Vol. 3 # 6

34. Thor 2020

Thor #6

[thorne93]

Inside the Criminal Mind (Part 38)

Prompt: You’re married to Dr. Spencer Reid of the BAU, and are a distinguished doctor yourself on the team. You’re sent down to Miami, Florida for teaching and as a side request from the FBI, to investigate a string of missing persons. When you think you’ve figured out who the unsub is, your life becomes more complicated than you ever could’ve imagined.

Word Count: 3563

Warnings: (throughout the fic –>) death, blood, gore, killings, language, disturbing mental notions, mentions of rapes/murder/etc (You know, Dexter and Criminal Minds related business)

Notes: Thank you so much to @arrow-guy, @carryonmyswansong, and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo - without each of you, I couldn’t have finished, written, or properly navigated this story. Each of you helped me fish out details that were incredibly important to me. Beta’d by @carryonmyswansong and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo… Aesthetic by @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo

This is a crossover of Criminal Minds x Dexter. First time writing Dexter.

Also, the timeline is after Season 1 of Dexter, but during season 14-ish of Criminal minds into Season 15. Enjoy!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two of you rode in tense silence all the way to the BAU, where you grabbed your things and stormed to your car, waiting for Spencer to get in the driver’s seat. The two of you rode again in a silence wrapped in thickness. You got home and now your home was tainted with Cat Adams and Maxine. 

“What the fuck?!” you screamed as you got inside, throwing your purse and briefcase in the corner of the foyer. 

“It’s not what you think, Y/N. I didn’t cheat on you.” 

“Just because you didn’t make out with her or stick your dick in her doesn’t mean you haven’t been fucking ignoring me for her.”

Spencer responded by pressing his lips into a thin line. 

“So is it true? Did you take her to your favorite museums? Buy her books?”

“I let her borrow some of my books. And yes, on some of our outings, I took her to a museum, but don’t listen to Cat. You know this is what she wants.”

“Don’t blame your actions on Cat Adams, Spencer! You’re the one who was running through the park with Max in your arms. And she didn’t even know you were married?! Why wasn't I ever brought up?!”

“My therapist told me to keep it separate from work--”

“I’m not work!” you roared, nearly deafening you both. “I’m your fucking wife! You should’ve mentioned me! At least once! And clearly, you were doing something that made Maxine upset that you weren’t single.”

“She must’ve gotten mixed signals. I never did anything inappropriate with her, I promise.” 

“You never let me meet her. You had her in our house and I had no idea what she even looked like. You know, at least as soon as you found out about Dexter and me, there was no secret in our relationship. But all I knew was you were ignoring me to spend every waking moment with another woman. How do you think it makes me feel, Spencer?”

In an even tone, but laced with anger, he responded, “It probably makes you feel the way I did when you were doing that with Dexter.”

You flinched away from him. “I only started ignoring you with Dexter when you told me about JJ,” you reminded. “Don’t confuse reality with fantasy to make yourself feel better. You really didn’t see the problem? Spencer, for the last month, you’ve done nothing but text her, spend time with her, and focus on her. And if you weren’t talking to her, you were smiling. It was like no matter what I did, I couldn’t put that look on your face. I never made you feel that way with Dexter.” You threw your hands out to the side. “So what did I do to deserve this? If you're having second thoughts because of what I did, then tell me! Don’t distance yourself from me and start to fall for another woman.”

His face whipped up to yours, conviction in them when he said, “I’m not falling for her. I’m still in love with you and only you. If this is just about kissing Cat--” 

“Fuck the kiss!” you shouted. “I don’t give a shit about that! You should know me by now! I know why you did that. I’m not an idiot. I was over that before you were done kissing. What I’m upset about is you being devious and sneaking around after we promised never to do that again. So what is it? If you don’t love Maxine, why have you been so obsessed with her? Doing things we should've been doing?”

“I don’t know,” he started, shaking his head, shrugging.

“You nearly had an emotional affair with another woman who was just in our house. I need more than ‘I don’t know’.” 

“You want to know why I talked to her so much? I just wanted a conversation with someone who wasn't fighting crime. I wanted one conversation that wasn't burying the lead on a case, or some BAU case, or even JJ... I just wanted a non-messy human interaction for once…”

You tried to keep the tears at bay. “All I saw was you falling for a woman who is the polar opposite of me. If you’d just been honest and told me why you enjoyed your time with her…” 

“I didn’t know how to tell you. I knew how it sounded. I know how it sounds now. I did flirt with her, but that’s as far as it went. It was stupid of me not to tell Max about you, and I should’ve introduced you two. I guess I felt like you had… have Dexter, someone outside of work, and I wanted that too.”

The tears were already flowing now, there was no stopping it. “A friendship with someone outside of work is one thing, Spencer, what you did tonight and every day for the last month is very different.”

“How?” 

“You seriously don’t see the problem? You gave her gifts, Spencer. You had her in our home, without me here. You lied about being married. You texted her nonstop. When I asked you to do something with me, you blew me off to go hang around her. I never did that with Dexter, never. You were either always included or I asked you first. You were always my priority. I never made you feel like second best, even when I was lying about what I was doing. And don’t even mention when I was being distant, we both know why I was doing that.” 

He stayed silent, his gaze dropping to the floor. 

“I didn’t cheat though. I didn’t kiss her, I didn’t talk about a future with her, I didn’t--”

Your rage had hit a ceiling though. He was pretty close to defending his actions, and you weren’t okay with that. “You keep saying you aren’t cheating but everything you've said, done and reacted leads me to believe otherwise! I can’t fucking believe you don’t see the issue and you’re actually trying to justify what you did!” 

“I know I fucked up, but you’re not even hearing me out. I can tell something’s not right, alright--”

“You’re right. Something isn't right and it's that my husband hid me and his marriage away to self-indulge with someone new who seems to be doing a better job at making you happy than I am so clearly there's more than you’re really saying."

“When have I ever lied to you?” he asked, offended. 

“Hmm, where should I begin?” You threw your hands in the air. “When you kept fact that JJ confessed to you, that you and her seem to be hiding something still, now the thing with Maxine!” You were trying so hard to not let the tears slip from your eye. “I- I can’t deal with this..with you right now.” She walks away to their room to pack some things.

“Y/N, wait, let’s talk about this,” he called after you, chasing you up the stairs to your bedroom. 

“There’s nothing left to talk about Spence, you lied, point blank.” You tossed your clothes into the bag you had pulled from the suitcase. “We promised there would be no more hiding and no more secrets.” You closed the bag and headed out of the room.

“That’s different. I meant about the killings. I know what I did wasn’t the best thing but I’m sorry for it. I made a stupid mistake. It’s nothing like what you did and hid from me.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” she turns around with a fire burning in her eyes. “What I did in Miami is nothing compared to what you're doing now, I didn’t go off to find someone to keep me entertained and feeling some type of way, for such a genius you sure are being an idiot. I hid my criminal activity from you and then I was totally honest about it. I confessed to murder so that you wouldn't think I was cheating. Do you get that? I was willing to go to prison before letting you think I was cheating...” You pushed him away from you. “And it wasn’t just about the killings. We promised it would be on everything!” the tears fell but she didn’t care.

“I’m the idiot? Lying is lying, Y/N. It doesn’t matter what it’s for--” Just then, he got a call from JJ. As he picked up the phone, you saw her name on caller ID and at that point, you weren’t sure you could even see straight anymore. 

“Jesus, Spence! Not even a few moments two of the three of your other women are gone and the third one is already calling.”  You stood there glaring at him waiting to see what he would choose to do. “Choose what you do wisely right now because this determines how this ends.” You crossed your arms.

He glanced at you for a moment before answering, keeping eye contact. “Now’s not a good time.” Then he hung up, still looking at you, not saying a word.

“Oh yeah and when is a good time, huh Spencer?” you seethed at him. “Between ignoring the shit out of me, going out with Max, your little girlfriend and seeing an old flame?"  You grabbed your bag and walked out without  an explanation.

“Y/n!” he yelled, trying to chase you, but you slammed the door in his face. He turned around and screamed. “Fuck!” 

You got into your car and drove off to the nearest hotel. For the next few days, you stayed there, but came into work like normal. You spoke to Spencer as much as you could professionally. It was easy to separate the feelings of hate, anger, betrayal, and hurt from work. Your training with Dexter really helped to control your emotions, at least in this setting. At home was an entirely different matter. 

One night, you couldn’t take it anymore, so you called Dexter. You needed a friend. 

“Dex?” you choked out just before letting out a sob.  

“Hey Y/N it’s been a while how are things?” He immediately realized things weren’t okay. “What's wrong is everything okay?”

“No, no it’s not.” Then you launched into everything that had happened since you got home. Spencer being distant, ignoring you, Maxine, kissing Cat, JJ still giving you issues. By the time you were done, you said, “I have no idea what to do. I think he’s going to leave me. I just… I wish he’d get it over with and not parade around with another woman.” 

“Y/N, take things slower, don't try to analyze it all at once.” he started by telling you. “We know the thing with JJ is one-sided right? Put that to the side let's look into the other two.” He had stopped what he was doing to focus on you.

You took a deep breath. “Okay, you’re right. Okay the thing with Cat, I can mostly forgive and forget that. I know why he did it, and he had to be convincing. There was no time to hesitate or she’d see through ihm again.” 

“And what exactly about the situation with Cat do you feel is wrong?”

“How passionately he kissed her. That’s reserved for us. He… He did it quickly, without reservation, and he did it with passion. I haven’t seen him that passionate since before he told me about JJ.”

“If I recall correctly he’s a man who uses his brain passionately not always with action especially outside of your relationship.” he nodded his head though clearly you couldn’t see it. “Alright and I understand how this might affect the situation but remember he did so to keep Cat in the game and not cause harm.” He could hear how you were breathing evenly now. “ if it weren’t a kiss it could have been something else that she’d want him to do. Now onto the next issue this Maxine person when did this exactly start?”

“Right after we came back, pretty much. He went to see his therapist, sheshe gave him homework to talk to someone outside of work, and he went out that day and found Maxine. So around a month ago… Why?” 

“Well this helps me get a better understanding in terms of timeline.” he took a swig of his drink and continued. “What exactly was it that him and Max were doing in the time frame of the month? Do you know exactly where and what they did?” It was still a bit unclear as to why Spencer would do such a thing at this precise moment. “Besides the things that Cat has said and shown you, is there enough evidence to prove that he indeed is being unfaithful like say deliberately sneaking around to see her or making excuses as to why he’s never around?”

“All she did was show me what they were doing in their time together. Dex, I would ask Spencer to go out to dinner for a date, and he said he was too busy and he was going to see Maxine. I asked him to go to an opening of a museum and he said he was meeting Maxine. I made him a nice brunch one morning, but he ran out to go meet her. Even when we were sitting and watching TV together, he was glued to his phone, texting her, smiling, laughing. When I asked to meet her, he said he wanted to keep us separate because I’m related to work. So other than how I feel about how he’s been treating me, no, I don’t have proof he’s had an affair. All he’s done is shown he’s emotionally attached himself to her. You should've seen it. I’d make a joke and he rarely smiled. She texted him once and he’d be laughing on the floor. It was ridiculous. I felt invisible in my own home. ” 

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe the recent events were too much to handle for him and he wants to be around someone outside of it all to find some peace of mind before fixing the issue?” he asked. “Now I'm not saying the way he went about it was correct or that he has a right to do so but aside from the arguments did you tell him these things you're telling me?” he sounded like there was more he wanted to say but kept quiet.

“For the most part, yeah, kinda. I didn’t tell him how I’m feeling. More so I tried to get him to admit that what he did was wrong.” You sighed. “But you think he’s right? I know I asked him to handle a lot these last few months. I know that. I told him that all the time. I thanked him for being by my side. But I just lost it when I saw his almost-girlfriend standing in our house, and it was a second after he kissed another woman.” 

“And that's where you went wrong, Y/N. Getting him to admit that he did wrong when he didn't do that to you and letting your feelings be known are two polar opposites. I don’t believe that how either of you two are going about is right.” He sighed. “I believe that you two have put a strain on your relationship because of so many things that have happened far too close to one another that it’s clouded both your judgment’s.”

You nodded, regardless of the fact that he couldn’t see it. You took a deep breath then swallowed.  “Yeah. I think you’re right. I… He shouldn’t have hid me from her, or hid her from me, but past that… I should’ve understood where he was coming from. I asked him to take on too much. I wish things would just go back to normal,” you sighed. “I need to make things right with him. I need to hear him out. Maybe then he can admit that he didn’t do things the right way, and I can apologize for doing the same thing. Thank you, Dexter. You’re always my rock.” 

“I care too much about you Y/N to let something like this get the better of you” he smiled knowing you felt better about this. “What are best friends aside from killing together?” he joked hoping to get a laugh from you. “If you need to get a clear mind you where to find me.”

“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ll talk to Spencer and let you know.” 

You two ended your phone call, and you went to sleep, feeling a bit better about the outlook on your marriage. 

------------------------------------------------

But you didn’t get a chance to go to Spencer and apologize. The case for Everett Lynch launched into full swing just a few hours after your phone call with Dexter, and you and Spencer didn’t have a moment alone. 

You’d been chasing Everett Lynch for a while now, and finally had him cornered at a woman’s mansion with his mother in the basement. It was a highly volatile situation.  Spencer was able to get Roberta to release Olivia before she got hurt. While he was on the phone with Roberta, she apparently gave the all clear to let the team breach and Spencer gave the order. The SWAT crew moved in and you turned to JJ who was on the phone, to ask her why she looked confused. She glanced to you, then turned and screamed, “Spence! Wait!”

But it was too late. An explosion sent the team, and your husband, soaring back, where he hit the pavement hard. 

Your heart stopped before you ran over to him, kneeling in front of him. “Spence? Spencer? Can you hear me? I need a medic!” you shouted. He was clearly disoriented, but he was conscious. 

The paramedics on site looked him over, but there were no visible signs of any damage. They said he might have a concussion and you needed to watch him. You sat beside him on the plane, holding his hand, but he seemed distant, not talking to you. You were hoping that after a near death experience, it would bring you two closer, and he’d apologize for everything he did… But even then, he couldn’t say anything. 

You two got home and you carried his bags inside. He seemed lost in thought still, so you sighed. 

“Well, I’m going to go check out of the hotel. I should be here to watch you,” you said, the sadness in your voice. 

“Hmm? Oh, yeah.” He was dismissive and he went back to thinking. Maybe he was thinking that his life was short, and he didn’t want to spend it with you any more. Maybe he really had moved on mentally with Max and was just waiting for the right time to bring it up. 

You cried the entire drive to the hotel. You gathered your things, and checked out, driving back. Your marriage would end. Not by your doing, but by your husband’s. It was evident he had someone else on his mind all the time, even after he swore he wasn’t seeing her any more. 

But the signs were clear. He didn’t fully apologize, he didn’t see anything wrong in his actions, he lied about JJ, he kissed Cat so easily… Clearly, you weren’t the woman he loved any more.

Just as you pulled into your driveway, it was early morning. It took all night to get home from the case, then to get all your things and check out. Hell, it was time for you to be in the office, but you assumed Emily and the team knew Spencer was hurt and that you’d be caring for him. 

But there was another car in your driveway. 

JJ’s. 

You got out and slammed the door to your car. “The fuck are you doing here?” 

“I came to check on Spence. He had a nasty hit yesterday. We tried calling both of you but didn’t get a reply. Where have you been anyway?” 

“That’s none of your goddamn business.” You started to unlock the door. “Spencer’s fine, by the way. I just had to run an errand. I’ll be in the office in a little--”

But as you walked through your house and JJ followed you, you saw Spencer on the floor of your dining room floor. 

“Oh my god. Spencer!” You gasped, running to check on him. “Spence? Can you hear me” In seconds, he started to seize out. “Holy shit. JJ, call 911.” 

“On it,” she said quickly, pulling her phone out. 

“Don’t do this. Don’t do this,” you begged. "No, Spence, come on. You have to be okay. You have to be. I can't fucking lose you." You held onto him, trying to keep him steady so he didn't hurt his head. Blood was spilling out of his nose. 

You had to keep a level head, you had to keep Spencer stable and alive, and also fight off every horrible feeling racing through you. It dawned on you that the last few words you’d said to your husband outside of work would be about him loving other women, and you having no idea where you stood with your own husband. Were his last thoughts about leaving you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tagging:

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[springsfordays]

Okay so this is entirely self indulgent and incredibly silly but I keep thinking about it so imma type it out lol!

PNF x BNHA AU

Where UA is the best hero academy in the tri state area and is actually a middle to high school academy.

O.W.C.A.

OWCA is one of the many hero agencies in Danville and is specifically made for heros who have animal based quirks.

Major Monogram

Quirk: not sure probably something with acrobatics.

while technically a retired hero in action he still runs his hero agency with an iron fist. (Eh or so he claims in reality he can hardly control most of his agents.)

Carl Karl

Quirk: Squirrel (anything a squirrel can do he can do)

While he is a 3rd year UA support course student he also interns at OWCA for first hand hero and support experience. Though the agency actually has him spend a lot of time there rather than school. It didn’t cause him too much trouble though cause of a couple new students he’s been mentoring at school.

Perry the platypus

Quirk: sentients

I was thinking about how could Perry be a animal based hero while still being involved with the Flynn-Fletchers somehow but I think I like the idea of him being a Principal Nezu of sorts. Where he’s an actual platypus but was experimented by humans and given the quirk of sentients but he’s also their pet still.

Pre-Support Course

(Just wanted to point out that all the kids in this au are 13-14 years old instead of like 10)

In this course middle school students have the chance to get a head start for their support studies. Not many apply for this class but there are a few. These students specifically help the pre-hero course students the most. And are mentored by Carl.

Most notably students are the very talented Flynn-Fletcher brother duo.

Phineas Flynn

Quirk: Work hands (he can turn his fingers into small work tools such as a blow torch, screwdriver, magnifying glass, essentially his hands are Swiss army tools. However he cannot do this for significant amount of time so he uses regular tools more often)

Phineas has always wanted to be hero since he was very young. But as time went on and he became slightly more realistic he realized he couldn’t be the hero he wanted to be. But he was fantastic at building and has been doing it since he was little. He then realized his talent and love for building gadgets didn’t have to be a hobby or a completely different career. He could support heros and make their quirks more powerful with his inventions.

Ferb Fletcher

Quirkless

A very quiet nearly mute young boy Ferb is but also an extremely intelligent one at that, with a knack for building. When he was younger he had been waiting and waiting and counting the days until his quirk would appear. But his ripe ages of 5-7 when most kids got their quirks quickly passed and upon examination was told he was quirkless. He was down for a while since he couldn’t be a hero but quickly followed his brother’s philosophy and decided that ensuring the safety and strength of heros so they can save more lives was good enough for him.

The brother duo are also still best friends with Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet since they’re all neighbors. The five grew up together and experienced one by one how they all got their quirks. Isa, Buf, and Jeet have amazing quirks which only made the anticipation and eventual disappointment of Ferb being quirkless that much heartbreaking. But never did any judgement hold up and the three used their quirks to defend their friends from constant bullying. And in return the duo were always coming up with new ways to help them advance their quirks.

Also Irving is in general studies and is still an obsessive fanboy. He keeps journals similar to how deku writes and analyzes heros and such. His quirk is camera eyes. (Which explains all his weird photos) He likes to hang around Phineas and Ferb since he really admired their inventions for the cool hero students.

Pre-Hero Course

In this UA the middle school side has a pre-hero corse where students can get a head start for their high school’s hero course but only accepts the strongest of students.

Isabella Garcia-Shapiro

Quirk: Firey Explosion ((Okay so this is basically bakugou’s quirk but a bit different sorry but his quirk matches Isabella’s firey determination plus her having a quirk that you wouldn’t expect for a little cute girl to have is funny to me,,,) a combination quirk since her mother had acidic fluids that concentrated enough can make small flames or tiny combustions and her father could sweat glycerin the two combined making Isabella create giant explosions from anywhere in her body. Since all her fluids, sweat, blood, spit, tears, etc have the acidic glycerin she can also create flames that come out of her body when she over uses her explosions that she usually has come out of the palms for her hands. (She can also breath fire because of this which makes a pretty cool surprise attack))

Isabella is one of the best and most powerful students in her class. She has always had a protective nature to her and is a strategic genius when it comes to battle. When her quirk had first developed she had used it to defend Phineas (she still has a huge crush on him lol) and Ferb, her best friends that were constantly made fun of for being ‘useless’. One day Phineas told her that she was his hero and from there she’s worked hard to one day become a hero.

Baljeet Tjinder

Quirk: Giganta Growth (He could grow into any size he desires even taller than most buildings and mountains. However he cannot retain size for very long and becomes extremely nauseous.)

Another top student in his class similar to Isabella. Most people cannot actually figure out his quirk sometimes and are extremely surprised when this turns out to be his actual quirk. Appearance wise he has longated fingers, ears, and feet. He has blue skin and monkey tail and even has fully red eyes. His blue skin, which is from his family’s genetics, is actually mostly gravity resistant so when he is normal sized he can fly. Not only that but he is remarkably intelligent. In fact when he was little he had zero interest in becoming a hero, he rather had been a scientist of sorts. But it was when two of his best friends couldn’t realistically become heros he felt selfish that he was given such a great power and he was choosing not to save lives with it, with that he decided to become a hero.

Buford van Stomm

Quirk: Wind Gust (From his lungs to his breath he can control the air around him to create powerful gusts of wind and manipulate air waves. But he must be careful with this because he endangers himself of collapsing or bursting his lungs.)

Buford just like Isa and Jeet is one of the top performing students in his class. This is because he can control his quirk pretty well and is great to have in battle. However he is still a bully by nature and most say he suits being a villain more than a hero. He considers this a compliment since this means most villains will fear him. His motivations of becoming a hero are entirely selfish. Wanting to be a star and make tons of money. He wants to blow away all the villains and become center of attention. (Also as a gross joke he’ll collect a bunch of wind and blow it out by burping which disgusts everyone)

Other students and advisors call these three the “Mini Three” modeled after the “Big three” who are in the hero course and are the top students in their class. But there are about seven others in the pre hero course so I’m just gonna name them off with short quirk descriptions.

Ginger Hirano Quirk: Wing growth (for this one just look to Stacy’s cause it’s pretty much the same since it is a hereditary quirk)

Adyson Sweetwater Quirk: Werewolf (Can change into a large wolf man at will)

Katie Quirk: Electricity (Essentially Denki’s I just like this quirk)

Holly Quirk: Hallo glow (She can exude out hallo like rings from her arms and legs stunning villains when they are hit by them)

Milly Quirk: Spikes (She can create large spikes from any point in her body and can even control them to create some forms)

Gretchen Quirk: Erasure (Like Erasurehead’s but she can erase multiple quirks at once but she has to use special glasses since it strains her eyes)

Django Brown Quirk: Vine Hands (He can shoot out vines from his hands)

Hero Course

I don’t have to many ideas for the hero course students but whatevs here’s the “Big Three” of the hero course!

Candace Flynn

Quirk: Sonic Voice (it’s Present Mic’s SORRY BUT COME ON IT SUITS HER SO WELL. But yeah she can make her voice create sonic booms in whichever direction she wants.)

A 3rd year student in UA. Ever since she was young she has always wanted to protect those around her especially her little brothers. She was almost slightly relieved when she learned neither of them could really become heros. But she always had a nervous breakdown whenever they’d build ridiculous gadgets that could potentially harm them. She became a hero mostly for fame and glory too but her natural protective skills puts her as one of the school’s best students since she can use her quirk so well. She also can do parkour pretty good which only makes her a better hero.

Stacy Hirano

Quirk: Wing Growth (As said before this is a hereditary quirk amongst the Hirano family. Basically  she has multiple pairs of wings on her body (one on each side of her head, two pairs on her back, and a pair on each foot. For reference look to Ryo’s satan design from devilman crybaby) but can only grow one pair from her back to any size. With her strength and agility she can use her wing growth to hit her opponents. She can fly extremely fast but growing too much hurts her ability to move her body)

A 3rd year student in UA. All Stacy’s life she’s wanted to impress her mother. Dr. Hirano being a highly respected doctor within the hero industry has high expectations for her daughters. So Stacy opted to become a hero and is shaping up to be a fantastic one. Even if she’s a little dopey at times she’s extremely agile with her wings making her a great rescue hero.

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz

Quirk: Demon Titan (She can turn into a gigantic demon looking titan, similar to Baljeet’s but her physical appearance changes entirely and she could only grow to one size. She can’t retain this for too long otherwise her muscles give out entirely)

A 3rd year student in UA. As the daughter of one of Danville’s top villains combined with her quirk and physical appearance most people think she’s a complete villain in the making. In her normal form she has blueish gray skin, a demon tail, large horns, completely white eyes and black lips. Most are afraid of her especially since she’s seemingly so cold and distant to everyone around her. But in reality she really does wish to right the wrongs of her family and help people around her. She interns at OWCA.

There’s about seven other students in their class as well but I don’t really know too much about them and their quirks but just know their classmates are Monty, Jeremy, Coltrane, Jenny, Lacie, Johnny, and Albert (he’s like the Mineta of their class).

Villains

Again haven’t put too much thought into this one but yeah.

L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. is still a villain organization in Danville and their main rival for control is OWCA.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Quirkless

We all know Doof’s incredibly sad backstory and it is still all that but with the more embarrassing tale of how he brings shame to his family by being quirkless. So he dedicates his life to learning evil science and to destroy the tri state area and heros all together. But of course he’s always thrawted by Perry the platypus. Even though he’s super disappointed in the fact his daughter wants to be a hero (who by the way looks nothing like him all her looks come from her mother) he’s still loves her the same and even supports her. He’s even attacked certain places in Danville just so she could get hero practice by defeating him. Which she’s super embrassed about.

And that’s about it for now. Just thought this would be a fun au to write about sometime lol. But yeah I love my hero and Phineas and Ferb totally is works for this super intellect society.

[bltngames]

SAGE 2020: Fan Games

I’d hoped to have this article out a little bit sooner, but I overestimated how long it would take to write about some of these games. Whoops! Like I said when I outlined the posting “schedule” on the first day, we’re playing it fast and loose, so this is just what you get.

Today is the day I talk about fan games! And even though SAGE has “Sonic” right there in the acronym, it’s always hosted fan games from all types, so today we’ve got Mega Man, Mario, Rayman, and even fan games of fan games, if you can believe it.

Sonic Pinball Panic!

Pinball is one of those things where I’ve always been obsessed with it, but never very good at it. And now, with access to digital pinball collections like Pinball Arcade and Pinball FX, I don’t actually find myself playing as much pinball as I thought I would when I was 14 years old. Still, I find myself fascinated by a good pinball table, and this honestly caught me off guard. This could very easily be an official DLC release for one of those aforementioned pinball collections and I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash (in fact, if you ask me, this is better than Pinball FX, which has always had weird ball physics). This looks, sounds, and functions exactly like a real pinball table should. My complaints are minor: for starters, the table feels kind of easy. I’ve never been a pinball wizard, but I was losing balls left and right here and it still took a good 15 minutes before I finally got a game over. Score accumulation is also pretty slow; most pinball tables will dump millions and millions of points on you, but here, it felt like a struggle just to reach the 379k I finished with. Both contribute to the fact that the table feels a little flat, like it’s missing a spark to really put it over the top. And, third, it would be nice if it had controller support. The keyboard works just fine, here (it’s just pinball, after all) but I find that the triggers on a controller feel really good with pinball flippers, and mapping the plunger to the right stick is great, too. This is a Unity game, so I wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to hook it up to the controller mapper. Still, I came away impressed.

Mega Man: Perfect Blue

There are two things out there that always give me pause: fan-made Doom level packs, and Mega Man fan games. Fan made gaming content generally has problems when it comes to difficulty balancing anyway, but these games have earned a certain reputation for their difficulty, which creates a problem when you have content made by fans, for fans. This insularity means these things are usually way too hard for what I would consider “normal” people (read: casual fans and outsiders). Add on to the fact that I’d even say that there are official Mega Man games with bad difficulty balancing, and you have a recipe for frustration. Sadly, this is how I’d characterize Perfect Blue: though this introductory level isn’t impossibly hard, it’s definitely pushing that edge where it’s not very accommodating to someone who hasn’t played and finished every Classic Mega Man game ever made. It almost immediately throws you into scenarios where you have jumps you can barely reach, insta-kill spikes, and enemies that not only actively dodge your shots, but invincible enemies that launch counter attack homing missiles. And then it starts making you juggle all of this stuff, together, at the same time. None of this is insurmountable as long as you’re paying attention, but as a very casual Mega Man fan, it’s an unfriendly first impression and makes me worried about what the rest of the game is going to be like as the challenge naturally ramps up. For those hardcore Mega Man fans among you, the rest of this is solid, at least. The presentation and controls are excellent, and the new sprites are beautiful. It’s a game I’d love to enjoy when it’s done… but I’m assuming I’ll be left out in the cold. A shame, really, because there’s so much promise here.

Sonic and the Mayhem Master

There’s a lot to like about this game, but there’s a part of me that really wonders if this should even be considered a Sonic fan game. Mayhem Master’s depictions of Sonic and Amy Rose are atypical to put it mildly. Here, Sonic seems to be a bookish nerd of sorts, a sidekick to Amy Rose, who has been turned into a burnt out, cigar-smoking detective. Most of the game plays out as half an adventure game, half an RPG, where you roam around the world talking to NPCs and gather clues while being assaulted by random battles. The battle system is super off-the-wall, too, perhaps taking inspirations from games like Mario & Luigi and Undertale. This means that battles aren’t passive -- you spend most of each fight dodging or nullifying incoming attacks with simplistic action-based commands. It’s weird, and different, and occasionally even a little bit overwhelming. That’s kind of the whole game, really. It’s the sort of thing that really doesn’t feel like a Sonic game at all, but it also doesn’t feel bad. The artwork is very charming, I’m interested in seeing the characters develop, and there’s plenty of worldbuilding and mystery. Would this still be as intriguing if you removed the Sonic connection, even if it’s so threadbare? That’s a hard question to answer. I know that some of my interest in this game is seeing how it spins more familiar Sonic elements into something that’s completely different. Worth checking out, for curiosity’s sake if nothing else.

Sonic and the Dreamcatcher

This is a fairly brilliant little game with two unfortunate quirks. If you didn’t know, the special stages in the original Sonic the Hedgehog were inspired by an arcade game of the era called Cameltry, published by Taito in 1989. Now, Sonic’s special stages were different enough from Cameltry that it wasn’t a case of Sega outright stealing the gameplay, but there’s a clear lineage there, and it only becomes clearer when you compare the special stages in Sonic 4 Episode 1 to Cameltry (spoilers: in that game, they’re nearly identical). Dreamcatcher is also from this lineage, but is infinitely more charming than either Sonic 4 and maybe even Cameltry itself. The idea is that you must collect a specific number of blue spheres in order to reveal the Chaos Emerald, after which you have a limited amount of time to find and collect it. It’s very simple, but the presentation really sells the game’s charm. It’s just a game that looks good and sounds good, with an interesting premise executed very well. Also, you get a dedicated “& Knuckles” button to spawn infinite Knuckles to help you collect blue spheres and bash enemies. Being able to have unlimited numbers of these guys sounds like it would break the game, but once that countdown clock begins, the last thing you need is 20+ echidnas clogging up the route back to the emerald. The first quirk this game suffers from is that there’s only two levels. Parts of this have a very “game jam made in a weekend” vibe to it despite the rock-solid music, sound, and gameplay, and only having two levels contributes to that. Hopefully more are coming in the future. The other quirk? You can’t actually download this game -- it’s embedded in a webpage. I’m sure this is to make it easy to play on any platform with a web browser (phones, PCs, etc.) but I find myself greatly desiring a hard copy of this game that can live on my computer forever.

Sonic Galactic

Now here’s just a good old fashioned Sonic fan game. Though it clearly takes inspiration from Sonic Mania’s aesthetics in some places, it’s clearly doing its own thing, featuring not just the core cast of Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, but also Fang the Sniper, and even a brand new character named Tunnel the Mole. Unlike a lot of Sonic fan games at SAGE, this appears to be using something besides Clickteam Fusion, Game Maker, or Unity. Here, it’s the “Hatch Game Engine,” whatever that is. Whatever the case may be, the game runs very well and is basically indistinguishable from just playing Sonic Mania. Visuals are sharp, music’s good, the two included boss fights are surprisingly fun to fight -- everything seems to be in order. As a result, there’s not really a lot to say. This is just a good, fun game. Anything else I’d say would come off sounding like nitpicks. For example, there’s no way to set graphics options yet, so the game is stuck in 2x Windowed mode. Fang and Tunnel are cute additions, but I wonder how much utility they have as characters. Unless I missed something, Fang’s pop gun is mainly for a weak double-jump ability, and Tunnel’s ability to dig and ricochet off floors, walls and ceilings is cool, but it doesn’t have quite the universal utility of Tails’ flight or Knuckles climbing and gliding. It’ll be interesting to see how or maybe even if their abilities have a chance to grow into something special. Anyway, like I said, those are nitpicks, so try to give this a shot if you can.

Sonic Robo-Blast!

Remasters seem to be a bit of a theme this SAGE, between Sonic Triple Trouble 16-bit, Sonic 2 SMS, Sonic 1 Revisited, but this is perhaps the most surprising of them all: a loving remaster of the original Sonic Robo-Blast. SRB1 was perhaps one of the first true “landmark” fan games, given that it was basically a whole entire game that people could play. It's not a stretch to say that SRB1 probably helped kickstart the fan gaming community that still survives to this day -- I certainly owe my involvement in the community to seeing SRB1 for the first time. The problem is, as historically significant as the game might be, it’s nearly impossible to go back to nowadays -- it’s much, much too dated to be any fun. This remaster completely re-envisions SRB1 as a regular Sonic game, while also pulling in gameplay elements from Sonic Robo-Blast 2. It’s a bit of a time paradox mindwarp, but it helps give it a bit more personality than just making a bog-standard 2D Sonic. It works, aided by the fact the sprites, music and overall presentation are fantastic. The only downside is the Act 2 boss, which commits the cardinal sin of taking away player agency and making you wait around far too much. Here’s hoping this gets finished, because it’s definitely on my radar now.

Super Mario Flashback

This has been floating around for a few years now and I’m glad to see it’s finally starting to get some more substantial content as it moves towards becoming an actual game. That being said, this is also one of those games that’s kind of hard to talk about because it’s just… really polished. The art is incredible, it controls exactly like a Mario game, and there’s already a decent mixture of ideas at play in the demo. Anything else I’d say would sound like nitpicking -- like, for example, the backseat game designer in me wonders if maybe the game is prioritizing aesthetics a little too much. This is a wonderfully animated game, absolutely gorgeous, but some actions, like the butt-stomp and the wall kick, feel a bit sluggish, and I think it’s because they show off fancy animations. Even if it’s a split second, waiting for Mario to attach to a wall to kick off of it feels slow. Really, though, that’s an insignificant complaint. This demo is still well worth checking out.

Sonic Advance 4 Advanced

This game seems like a greatest-hits of Dimps best ideas, spanning the first Sonic Advance all the way to Sonic Rush. There’s just one problem: the game seems broken. Now, my desktop PC is starting to show its age. I built it four and a half years ago, and though it can handle game like Gears of War 5 on high settings at 60fps, slowly, newer games seem to be leaving it behind. That being said, I don’t think a game like Sonic Advance 4 here should be running at what appears to be half its intended speed. It also originally launched in a teeny-tiny window (we’re talking, like, smaller than a postage stamp) and even though the options menu has a toggle for full screen mode, it doesn’t want to work. Something about this game under the hood seems to be struggling very, very, VERY hard. It’s a shame, because if this actually played at the proper speed, it seems like it might actually be an alright game, if a bit complex and busy.

Sonic 2 SMS Remake

Here’s a game I was all buckled in expecting to enjoy. Like it says on the tin, this is a remake of Sonic 2 for the Master System (and Game Gear), but with wide screen visuals and huge expansions to the mechanics, roster of playable characters, and levels. On the outside it seems really impressive, and to a certain degree it is, but something about the controls feel a little off. Sonic’s heavier here than he is on the Master System, perhaps to simulate “real” Sonic physics a little more accurately, but you can also pretty much stop on a dime, and the combination of the two feels awkward. The camera also needs a lot of work, as it’s basic at best and does a poor job of letting you see what’s below (to the dev if you’re reading this: there’s actually video tutorials out there on how 2D scrolling cameras work, it might be worth looking a couple of them up). It also leans into some of the tech limitations of the Master System, like how you aren’t given any rings for boss fights (and even hiding the HUD, a move done to save on resources for the large enemy sprites). I could be picky on a bunch of other little stuff, too, like how the flight mechanics feel, but there are other games to play at SAGE and I’ve got at least two more articles to write. Needless to say, this is a solid (impressive, even) foundation but it’s missing a lot of late-stage polish to clean up the tiny little rough edges.

Rayman Redemption

I tell this story every so often, but it was about three quarters of the way through Rayman 2 on the Sega Dreamcast when it struck me, suddenly: I love this game. I was being chased by a pirate ship through some rickety bridges and even though I was dying over and over and over again, I realized I had been enjoying Rayman 2 enough that I might put it in my top ten Dreamcast games. But that was 2002, and the years haven’t been so kind to ol’ Rayman. From the strangely celebrity-infused Rayman 3, to the tragedy of Rayman 4 (eventually becoming Raving Rabbids) to the endless, careless ports of Rayman 2 to every platform under the sun, one gets the impression Ubisoft maybe didn’t know what to do with Rayman. Especially now, when most of Ubisoft’s games are some form of online live service or cookie cutter open world experience (or increasingly both). But the fans know what they want. Rayman Redemption takes the original 1995 Rayman game and lovingly gives it a fresh coat of paint. The results are akin to what Taxman and Stealth did for Sonic CD in 2011, with wide screen visuals, improved controls, touched up level design, but gameplay that still feels faithful and accurate to the original experience. Except that Sega charged money for that, and here, fans have released this for free. Ubisoft’s loss, I guess. I didn’t play Rayman 1 until well after I’d finished Rayman 2, and I’ll admit, I kind of bounced off of it back then. It felt slow, and awkward, and when the difficulty ramped up, it got very hard, very quickly. Now, admittedly, I’ve only put about 30 minutes into Redemption here, but just the addition of a run button is incredibly welcome, and the retooled level design and powerup mechanics helps the game feel way less obtuse overall. It’s just a cleaner, tighter, more accessible and more polished version of Rayman.

Stay tuned for the next article: Indie games.

[life-observed]

1. Don’t ask what’s the least you can do. Ask what’s the most you can bear.

The standards you set for your effort determine the kind of results you’ll get. There’s no secret ingredient. You have to do the work.

2. Dissect how you spend your time. It reveals your priorities.

Look where you spend your attention. Are you always distracted on social media or entertainment websites? Are you focused on mega success or temporary comfort?

3. It’s about identity. Be the kind of person that gets things done. Even when it’s hard.

Tony Robbins agrees that the strongest force in the world is to act in accordance with your self-image, your identity. How to change that? Draw a line in your mind and DECIDE to be known as the hardest worker in your circle from this point forward.

4. Confidence is deciding you’re unstoppable. Not that you’ll never fail. – Tom Bilyeu

We gain confidence from taking action, take the first step today the momentum you gain will grow each day until you are unstoppable. Do not fear failure do you think anyone who has achieved great success looks back on their small failures and cries about it? No in fact they are GRATEFUL for their mistakes, because they know that is where grew the most in momentum and knowledge.

5. The level of effort you tolerate from yourself will define your life.

Some people find reasons to work less, others find reasons to work more. The results, unfortunately, reflect your efforts, not your reasons.

6. Don’t let joy be an accident. Create it.

Make conscious choices to create joy. Do the things you love more often. Work towards something you love. Passion makes hard work seem easy.

7. What price are you willing to pay for greatness?

Greatness comes from sacrificing comfort. You have too get the time wasters out of your life binge watching TV, going out every weekend, social media what is it that you waste time on? Change your habits. Change your life.

8. If you look for the negative, it will be there. If you look for the positive, it will OVERWHELM you.

People can talk themselves into action, but they can also talk themselves in to quitting. What are you talking yourself into right now.

9. The way to build a big business is to take care of people.

Respect is not given it is earned.

10. If you really want to cut through the noise, you’re going to have to outperform everyone else. – Tom Bilyeu

To achieve extraordinary results, you have to put in extraordinary effort.

11. The key to becoming successful is to work so ridiculously hard at acquiring skills that when people see how good you are they just assume you’re naturally talented.

Great people aren’t born, they are made.

12. Make it your daily obsession to make the most of your potential.

You have to be great daily. Greatness is not a destination. It’s an attitude.

13. Decide who you want to become. Make that the center of your focus.

Don’t find yourself. Create yourself and focus on your most important goals.

14. Don’t worry about where to start. Remember, it’s the decisions you make, it’s the decision to get started it’s the decision to face possible failure, it’s the decision to get up once you’ve failed and it’s the decision of what to learn when you fail.

Circumstances don’t make you, decisions make you.

15. No one is born a visionary. You cultivate that s**t.

You can achieve anything. If you believe 100%.

16. Pick one thing. And go at it with everything you’ve got. – Tom Bilyeu

Great people specialize in a single skill area. They master what their focus is on before moving on.

17. You could do more. You could be more.

Look at the powerful possibilities that lie in front of you. You can have it all if you decide to.

18. You have to be willing to see things that are impossible and TRY.

Most of the greatest success stories in human history came from people who’s ideas seemed so outlandish and impossible that they were ridiculed only to be called genius years or even decades later.

19. Human potential is nearly limitless.

The internet itself has only been around for 35 years, how much has happened in that time. Think of what things will be like in another 35 years. The world is developing faster than any time in human history. With limitless potential you can achieve anything you envision.

20. You’ve got to take risks to be a game changer. – Tom Bilyeu

Nothing great will ever come if you never step out of your comfort zone. Take the risks. Thank yourself later.

21. Build yourself brick by brick.

Build yourself up with one perfectly laid brick each day. Soon you will have a wall…

[dagenspear]

Crisis On Infinite Earths Outline Fix, Part 2

Like some I disliked the crossover, it's the worst out of all of them, and this is my preference for it to be done. This one is the first of the more aggressive changes to the crossover. Here are the ideas God blessed me with:

In the opening of the episode, Oliver wakes up on Lian Yu, then searching it, seeing visual reminders of his losses from the past, then being confronted by the Spectre, a green cloaked, shrouded figure, who quickly defeats Oliver and pins him to the ground, telling him his destiny is finally upon him.

This part has a bit more going on, so I'll explain in lettered plots:

A. This is a Batwoman episode, so like Kara was more or less the focus before, she's the focus here. The main structure and this bleeds into the B plot, is that the Monitor is dead now and the crisis is sill happening and they want to help other earths try and prevent E2's and Supergirl Earth's destruction for themselves. This plot is much more involved here. Using Pariah, someone who can sense the destruction of an Earth, sets their breach devices by a signal that'll send them to an earth by how close it is to being hit by the antimatter, taking them to the place where that might originate. Kate does this, but not before being found by E-1 Bruce, played by David Giuntoli, whose come due to the end of world type situation that's unraveling. We will expand on why this Bruce left. When Jason Todd was murdered, he became bitter and filled with rage and in this fit he hunted down the Joker and nearly killed him. Seeing himself as no longer fit to be Batman, he left, but this situation is dire enough to convince him to step back up. He and Kate travel to a few earths to warn those earths of the crisis, going to Gotham first. The First is Birds Of Prey TV Series Earth 109, where she meets Helena Kyle, played by Ashley Scott, and Dinah Lance, played by Rachel Skarsten, and with a vocal cameo by Oracle, played by Dina Meyer. Bruce is distraught at the idea of an earth where he's had a daughter. Kate is taken aback by Dinah's appearance, and doesn't know how to deal with it, but pushes through to find out where Batman is, thinking he may be able to help. Earth 109's Batman is Kevin Conroy Bruce, a bitter, angry and alone Bruce whose lost almost everything in his life. Alfred, Jason, Damien his son, Selina and Kate. Here we delve into why he left Helena and Gotham, seeing himself and Batman as nothing but an bringer of pain and death of all that he cares about. He's angry at Helena for her staying as a vigilante, thinking it will only bring to her what it's brought to him, that and his fear of bringing his family pain driving him to stay away. KC Bruce relents when he hears about the crisis, but it's too late and the anti-matter sweeps in, taking out Gotham, Helena with it, as Kate uses a breach device to take her, E1 Bruce and KC Bruce out of there. KC Bruce is devastated at this, but regroups out of a desire for revenge against what's done this. Kate realizes the breach device took them to Gotham TV Series Earth 14, met with Bruce Wayne, played by David Mazouz. They explain the situation to him, he's shocked, but grasps the importance of the situation and offers to help, him being dismissed due to his age and lack of experience. He protests this, but is met with the other Bruces viewing him as naive, citing their losses and how he doesn't understand the cost of being Batman, DM Bruce angrily snapping back that they've failed the city their parents wanted to protect, rejecting that future for himself, of giving up like that. But the red skies begin to emerge, the shadow creatures beginning to sweep across the world. KC Bruce almost taking a sadistic pleasure at the idea of destroying these things, as he activates his armored bodysuit. It wouldn't have to be too fancy as far as budget wise.

B. This one is much smaller, showing a few similar aspects, but not leaning so hard into the fan service in the way the show does. Kara, Lois and Clark, using the breach device set to tracing antimatter signatures, go to Smallville TV show's Earth 217. There they meet SV Clark and Lois, who still have kids. Kara's shellshocked to see Lois look so similar to her mom. At an earlier point of this story, Kara begins to feel obsessed with the idea of turning back time and preventing her earth and Argo's destruction, pushing Ray to try and figure out how to get the waverider to time travel, so she can prevent it. Seeing a Lois who looks like her mom doesn't help. They warn him of the crisis, offering up the ways it can be at least held off, as they try and find a way to stop it entirely, suggesting he gather the help needed to make it happen as they seek out other earths to warn. Then leaving, going to Superman The Movie/Series Earth 78. Where they meet Brandon Routh's Superman, who explains to them his losses due to the same thing as what happened in the show, Kara reflecting on the loss of this Superman and how he strives not to lose himself. Him agreeing to help in any way he can. Meanwhile SV Clark goes to Lex Luthor played by Michael Rosenbaum. He convinces Lex to supply what's needed for the tower to try and hold back the antimatter.

C. This one is more simple than the others. Sara, Barry and Mia try to work out what to do with Oliver, whose badly injured, but the waverider isn't able to heal him due to the creature's attacks being based in antimatter energy. They get Jjonn to project them into Oliver's mind to try and figure out what's going on, after Jjonn tells them that he senses that although Oliver's soul is still connected to his body, it's somewhere else. Oliver questions the Spectre's meaning and where he's come from, the Spectre telling him he was once Jim Corrigan, a officer who sought justice once but allowed himself to become corrupt and killed someone to save his own skin, only to be killed himself, in his dying moments finding God and repenting for his sins, God saving his life by giving him the opportunity to become a heroic force in the world, by being like a vessel for God's vengeance on earth. Spectre tells Oliver that it's now his turn to do the same and become a vessel's for God's vengeance of the multiverse against the Anti-Monitor. Oliver repents, giving his life to God and Jesus Christ, accepting this as his destiny. But not before Mia, Barry and Sara arrive, calling to Oliver. Oliver, torn at first, grasps the importance of this, and agrees, the Spectre's white-greenish energy emerging from underneath his shrouded cloaked face and breathing into Oliver. Barry, Mia and Sara are bounced out of Oliver's mind and Oliver's body disappears from the waverider in a flash of light.

At the conclusion of the episode, the heroes gather to fight back the forces collecting on Earth 14. In the midst of this, we'd get some old fashioned fan service, with KC Batman and BR Superman fighting back to back, and E1 Bruce and TH Superman fighting together as well. Meanwhile, we catch a glimpse of something similar happening on Earth 217, with Lex himself in an armored suit and Clark as Superman. The Bats are focused on beating the shadow creatures, while DM Bruce sees a family trapped in an area surrounded by shadow creatures, seeing the Supers and others making sure the hold back the majority of the shadow creatures to ensure the majority of civilians escape (though this is shown to not be possible as the shadow creatures are even more powerful than before), he throws a small explosive to break them free, and takes the heat of the shadow creatures, him taking a hits from them, it severely injuring him. KC Bruce takes DM Bruce's sacrifice in as he helps defend Kate, as she catches this. The shadow creatures begin to overwhelm them. When suddenly, E-38 Lex Luthor emerges through a breach and, surprisingly, uses a sonic machine that's emitting waves that cause the shadow creatures to stop attacking temporarily, E-38 Clark and Kara frozen in shock at seeing him, as he smiles smarmily at them and tells them, "Hurry up, I can't save you for very long with this!" Kate reacts quickly and manages to grab Bruce, just in time to escape as the earth collapses in on itself, every one of the team following suit.

Now, DM Bruce lay dying, the damage from the shadow creatures causing his body to fail. Gideon explains that it'd need a near perfect genetic match of Bruce to transfer non shadow creature damaged DNA, which would cause the one who transferred it to die in cellular degradation. KC Bruce stops E1 Bruce before he volunteers and takes the hit, explaining that he's lost his way and to tell DM Bruce thank you for showing him what it means to be Batman again, that it's not about punishing the guilty, but about preserving the innocence of those who are defenseless. The process starts and it heals DM Bruce, as KC Bruce dies. Kate cries in a mixture of grief and relief as DM Bruce wakes up, and she gives him the thanks, as well as from herself and E1 Bruce does so as well. Gideon does maintain that DM Bruce stay in sick bay, when he tries to get back to the fight. Kate and E1 that they can be enough Bat for now.

Meanwhile E-38 Clark and Kara throw Lex up against the wall, and angrily interrogates him about what he has to do with this. Lex remains cavalier about the situation, snarkily asking them if they can't handle it when he shows them that he's the hero. Kara and Clark's eyes glow with heat vision energy, before they reel themselves in, releasing him. Brandon Routh Superman asks him how he was able to stop those shadow creatures. Lex replying with, "Oh, another one. Delightful. At least this one has manners." Further explaining that it didn't stop them, but held them off temporarily by blocking the signal of whatever was controlling them. They question that, much to Lex's amusement, him outloud stating, "It's a good thing the Monitor brought me into this. Obviously, none of you are equipped with the brainpower to save humanity." Lex looks to E-38 Clark, saying, "It's gonna be fun working together again, don't you think?" Much to Clark's scowling.

The team are then alerted to the waverider jumping to one of the next earths that's to be wiped out. The waverider jumps.

Sara then calls the whole team to the control room, everyone rushing to it. Barry and the rest are met with the horror that Earth 1 is one of the next earths to be engulfed in the antimatter wave. Pariah appears, and begins laughing. Barry reacts furiously to this, grabbing him and asking him what he finds funny. Pariah explains that when he released the Anti-Monitor, he was promised that when this time came, he would get to do the damage. Barry slowly begins to realize what he's saying, as Pariah's eyes glow red and he superspeeds around the waverider cockpit, knocking everyone off their feet. Eobard Thawne stands over a shocked Barry in full Reverse Flash garb and says that their crisis has come.

TO BE CONTINUED...

END OF PART TWO.

Please review and tell me what you think!

[dutten-does-the-fanfic]

I Want You Here With Me (Is It Too Much to Ask for Something Great) ch. 5

Title:  I Want You Here With Me (Is It Too Much to Ask for Something Great) ch. 5 of 14 (ch. 1) Pairing: Isak Valtersen/Even Bech Næsheim Word count: 8450 Warnings: Language, mental illness, internalized homophobia

AO3

Summary:  The one where it’s been two years since Isak last saw or spoke with Even, and no one knows that Isak ever knew Even at all.

Present

Despite having attended classes with these same thirtyish people for two semesters, Isak never actually went through the effort of learning their names. He’d thought that was going to be a reason for anxiety when their tutor read out who was supposed to be working together, but turns out he was wrong about that.

Because the guy who looks too much like he just rolled out of bed and doesn’t give a flying fuck has paired him up with Sana. He is paired up with Sana. He is going to be doing experiments, group projects and study sessions with Sana.

Who, Isak is sure, is a lovely – or at the very least a good – person. She just so happens to scare the shit out of all of their classmates.

Isak will deny it till the day he dies, but the stereotype about boys who are getting a science major not being able to talk to girls like they’re actual human beings applies to about half of the guys in this room – not something Isak can relate to, but he has his own reasons for that. The rest of the people in here either find her completely unapproachable, don’t want to be on the receiving end of a backstabbing, gut punching comment Sana has become known for after a guy wouldn’t take no for an answer at some party, or they throw out xenophobic and religious discriminatory comments like nobody’s business.

Isak spent about 97% of his first year not caring about anything that didn’t end up with him being drunk out of his mind, so he’s never actually spoken to her. The only reason he knows her is because Eva, Jonas’ sort-of-half-the-time-more-so-a-fuck-buddy girlfriend, is friends with her, and by proxy Isak has heard about her.

She doesn’t seem as scary when he’s heard an account of how fiercely she’ll protect her friends and of the lengths she’ll go to to cheer one of them up. Then again, she is currently sending him death glares that makes Isak dig his toes into the ground.

“You probably already know each other,” the tutor says, makes himself comfortable behind the screen of his laptop, “but go on and sit with your partners, introduce yourselves, make nice, all that jazz.”

Isak sighs as he gathers his coat, laptop and backpack. Dammit, he’d gotten the best seat in the room as well, the first seat of the row right by the door so he could be in and out within seconds. But Sana isn’t moving by the looks of it, so Isak’s just going to have to bite the bullet.

“Hey,” he greets, trying to plaster on a smile even as Sana glowers at him. “I’m –“

“I know who you are,” she interrupts.

Isak has to bite his cheek to keep from giving a retort back of his own. It won’t amount to anything good, and despite how shit this year’s kick off has been, he’s determined that this is his year, and Ev- someone’s sudden appearance and Sana’s bad mood will not be deterring him from completing his goal.

“Alright, then,” Isak slumps onto his seat.

It’s fine. He doesn’t need to make new friends. He has Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi and that’s more than fine, it’s pretty much more friends than he’s ever had before.

He looks up to see Sana glaring at him.

“What?” he snaps.

“You might be willing to slack off and practically waste away your life, but I’m here to get an education,” she bristles at him. Her eyes look darker with the heavy ring of eyeliner around them. “This is important to me and I will not be the only one doing all the work only for you to get credit as well, you got that?”

Isak’s mouth snaps shut after it had fallen open from the indignation of being spoken to like that.

It’s, he’s reluctant to admit fair enough that she believes this of him. His first year hadn’t exactly been productive, even if he had ended up passing he had spent way too long getting drunk and partying and trying to forget about everything. There hadn’t been room to focus on anything but, and that meant homework went unfinished if he even started on it, and he’s pretty sure he never actually spoke with his study group.

“I know I don’t have the best track record,” Isak hisses, magnanimously ignoring Sana’s amused huff, “but this is serious for me too. Okay?”

“’Okay’,” Sana imitates. It sounds more like a ‘prove it’ than an agreement.

Isak doesn’t call her out on it. So be it on her if she doesn’t believe him, or doesn’t want to believe him. Isak’s not going to let that hinder him from turning this year around.

They’re painfully silent and it’s only amplified by everyone else in class talking around them. It sounds a bit too cheerful and carefree for being about possible topics, but Isak isn’t bothered enough to start listening in on mindless chatter.

Still, he should probably say something to Sana. He’s going to be working with her for six months, and he isn’t going to let it bother him, but mutual animosity rarely rakes in the 6’s.

“So,” Isak clears his throat. Sana looks up at him, not in a glare, but not particularly friendly either. “Evolution and genetics. Is there… something in particular you like?”

Sana shrugs. Helpful, thy name is Sana.

“Depends,” she finally settles on when Isak is about to lose it – or he isn’t, because he isn’t bothered.

“On?”

Maybe he’s a little bit bothered.

“Well, we could always focus on evolutionary genetics,” Sana suggests. She opens up a blank document on her computer, “but I have a feeling most of the other groups are going to do that.”

Isak snorts. Understatement of the year. He might not know any of their names, but he can already tell just from looking that half of these people are just going to settle on a topic that’s a variation of the name of the class subject instead of examining all the other topics they have to review.

“Right,” Isak agrees. “So what’s left? We have genetic mutations, heritage, we could do something on evolutionary processes?”

“Maybe.” Another shrug. “I quite like topics like behavioral genetics, you know, the topics in that area.”

Isak’s heart skips a beat and bears his fingernail down on his the skin of his thumb to avoid just blurting out ‘No. No, no, no, absolutely not’.

He manages to utter a, “Cool,” instead, but it sounds too stiff and Sana picks up on it and raises a disbelieving eyebrow at him with a frown.

Isak winces. Fuck, so much for playing it cool.

“We don’t have to do that.”

“No, no, I know,” the tone feels foreign in his mouth. He’s not usually the one to placate somebody, that’s Jonas’ territory. “It’s a good idea. Write it down.”

Anything to get her to look away from him again. Behavioral genetics hits just a tiny bit too close to home, if Isak’s honest. Sure, he’s already done a ton of research on it in his spare time, even if it has been a couple of years by now, so they would have an advantage that wouldn’t go amiss.

Still, he isn’t sure if he can go through with it.

“We should consider some more evolution-heavy topics as well,” Isak suggest. He skims the table of contents in their main book. “Maybe something like patterns of human evolution or genetic databases. Those are quite alright as well.”

Sana nods as she dutifully types, but she doesn’t look enthused, so Isak tries to suggest something else closer to what she wanted to do.

“Maybe we could find some more within genetic heritage,”

“I’m hearing a lot of talking, yet not a whole lot about science!” A voice overpowers everyone in the room.

Isak’s and Sana’s heads snap to attention. Yeah, alright, they’ve only started brainstorming, surely he isn’t expecting them to have an outline ready just yet –

“I know it’s exciting to talk about whatever celebrity it is I can hear you talking about, but try to focus now!”

Wait – celebrity?

Please, let it be an actor, a singer, hell, a politician everyone is obsessed about and not –

“Honestly, it’s not like they don’t know Even Bech Næsheim is from Oslo,” Sana mutters as she turns back to her computer.

Oh, damn. This is not happening. This is not happening.

“You a fan then?” Isak’s tongue nearly trips over the words from how it feels like it’s glued to the roof of his mouth, but the garble of noises that comes out is at least intelligible enough that Sana answers.

With an infuriating shrug. “You’re not?”

No, Isak wants to bitterly snap, but he doesn’t.  Just shrugs back. “Don’t really care that much, to be honest. One of my roommates is crazy about him, though.”

That’s good, divert the attention away from himself. If only he could the topic away from Even at all.

He always feels like he’s being so goddamn obvious, like he’s practically screaming out ‘Even, Even, Even!’, always has felt like that no matter how hard he tried to make it stop. It’s stupid, because there’s no reason why anyone would even think about him and Even in any relation to each other, there’s no reason why he should be worried or suspicious, but every time his name mentioned, Isak’s mind goes off on a tangent of they know, they’ll find out, they’ll know.

“Oh, yeah – Magnus, right?”

Isak startles slightly, sliding down in his seat before he pushes against the edge of the table to stop it. God, that’s weird Sana knows that, but then again, Isak knew about Sana, so…

“Yeah,” he stutters. “Magnus.”

Sana doesn’t even look over at him, just writes down another topic and asks him what he thinks about that one.

OOOOO

It doesn’t get better the rest of the day.

Even during the lecture, people can’t seem to stop buzzing at the news. Every sentence either starts with ‘I was there’ or ‘my friend was there’ or ‘did you hear’ and Isak thinks all of it is not only overrated but entirely exaggerated because, sure, Even is famous, people love his movies and there aren’t a whole lot of people who haven’t at least heard of one of the titles, but still. He isn’t an actor, he’s a director, and Isak hasn’t really ever heard of any other director creating this sort of frantic commotion.

Just his luck, huh?

Yeah, alright, he gets it. Oslo isn’t LA, or New York, or, hell, even London. There aren’t a ton of celebrities just wandering around on the street, let alone showing up at a university party. It’s natural that some people would be talking about it. Not this amount, though.

Isak ends up slamming the door to the bathroom shut so harshly he can hear it echoing out in the hall, but he doesn’t stop moving until he’s locked up in a cubicle and has sat down on the closed toilet seat, ignoring the voice in his head talking about the amount of germs.

His skin feels too tight and he tries to alleviate the pressure by tugging harshly on chunks of his hair, grabbing onto one of the bigger curls to make it easier.

It doesn’t help. It just leaves him with a slight headache that was already too close to forming from stress and anxiety.

He turns on the sink too high. The water splatters onto the porcelain so forcefully it lands on his shirt. The cool water doesn’t even help, it just makes him too aware and he ends up dry heaving for a good ten minutes before he tries to take a sip of water and compose himself enough to go back to the world.

This wasn’t how he planned on his year starting out.

“What do you think he was doing there?” is the first thing he hears when he steps out of the bathroom.

Two girls are walking near the end of the hallway, but they’re talking loudly enough that he can still hear them.

“He used to go to UiO for film, didn’t he? Maybe he was just visiting some old friends.”

“Don’t think he was looking for a girlfriend, then?” the girl on the left playfully nudges her elbow into her friend’s side until she starts laughing and pushes her away.

“Pretty sure he already has a girlfriend.”

“Who, his PR or PA or management or whatever else she does? Sonja something?”

“Yeah, weren’t they –“

Isak runs to his right, away from the girl, and takes two steps up the staircase. If he doesn’t get away now, he’ll just have to go back into the bathroom until he really does throw up.

He can do this, he tries to convince himself even as he stumbles over the last step and nearly faceplants in front of a group of people. He ignores the snickering as he passes them and tries to focus on remembering the next auditorium he has to be in instead. He just has to focus on his coursework, on meticulously taking notes – more so than he already does, thank you very much – even when it’s boring or he’s already understood the subject.

He’s a good student, he knows that – has always been one apart from last year. Now he just needs to prove it to everyone else.

Isak sits through a lecture he doesn’t understand shit of. It doesn’t help that all the people around him are nodding and agreeing and acting like this is basic knowledge you should already know when applying for this program, and Isak is just sitting there, staring at the slides the professor runs through.

Everything being said goes in through one ear and out through the other, and Isak only manages to rile himself up even further at the thought of how many hours he’ll have to stay up tonight to read through the content until he understands it.

He tries to get out of the hall quickly, but he’s stuck behind a couple of stragglers blocking off his only exit, so he has to stand there awkwardly as they finish packing away their stuff. It’s just his luck that there’s a group two rows in front of him talking about Him, and then there are curious inquiries as to what is going on, what happened, who is it they’re talking about, and before Isak’s managed to get out of there, people are throwing around whatever bullshit they’ve heard.

Isak’s pushing his lips together in irritation to all the rumors as he bounds out of there, catching the tram right before it leaves. He’s winded and a bit sweaty, but the carriage is mostly empty, so he takes a seat the furthest away from the two teenage girls near the back.

He also shoves his ear buds in for good measure. The girls might be talking about some boy at their school right now, but before you know it, it’s all about the latest gossip and Isak can’t, he can’t handle hearing that stupid, goddamn name again today, he can’t.

Like that name hasn’t been floating around in his head for goddamn years, now it’s also being thrown at him from every single direction, and Isak feels like screaming. And crying. Isak feels like crying, can feel the lump in his throat grow so big he can’t breathe, can’t swallow his own spit, but much to his own surprise he doesn’t break down in tears. He doesn’t cry at all.

He feels so fucked up, so messed up and torn apart, like a tornado has gone through him, and it feels just as bad as when Even left in the first place, because back then he’d thought he’d gotten it right and he had finally started to think that again with his boys, that he could be someone’s friend and not fuck it all up, but he was wrong about Even and he’s apparently wrong about this as well, because he hasn’t gotten it right. Had he ever, or was this just something that had been waiting to happen?

He’s fucked up being a friend, has fucked things up with his boys, had nearly fucked up his entire first year of university, that’s two whole semesters worth of fucking up. The first one he’d spent most of simply black out drunk, and the next one he’d spent slightly more sober, but still unable to connect with anyone and not be a complete asshole. He hadn’t been able to focus on his classes at all, but had at least been able to spend his sleepless nights studying instead.

Jonas had tried so hard during their breakfast to pretend everything was normal, and Magnus and Mahdi had tried as well, but Mahdi had been more careful with his words than he has been since Isak first met him, and Magnus had constantly switched between not being able to stop staring at Isak like he’s never met him before and not being able to look at Isak at all.

It’s awkward and Isak feels awful about it even as he knows he shouldn’t. Or, partly, because part of it is his fault; he wouldn’t have worried them that badly if he hadn’t run off like that and stayed away for so long. He wouldn’t have been in this mess if he’d only –

Isak stops that thought by getting off the tram so quickly he nearly falls over when he trips over his feet going down the stairs.

The thing is, even though Isak hasn’t told them about – not even about Even, about himself – he considers those three guys his best friends. He doesn’t think he’s ever had friends as close as those three, not counting Eskild and Even, because Eskild had always been a bit of the older ‘guru’ despite only being four years older than him, and Even, well Even was just in an entirely different league of his own, so he shouldn’t, doesn’t, count either.

Isak hates how much he’s still like that fifteen, then sixteen, then seventeen, then eighteen, then nineteen year old who didn’t want to tell anyone that he doesn’t like girls. Sometimes it feels like he’s supposed to have had some type of character growth that the movies always make out to be so important, but he’s just been stuck for five years in the same mindset, with the same fears and worries, and he still doesn’t want to tell anyone.

There’s a small voice in the back of his head whispering to him how good it is that he hasn’t come out, because if he had, wouldn’t the boys have come to the conclusion that the reason Even knows him was because he ‘knows’ him? Isak tries to convince himself that he doesn’t hear that voice, even as it’s the only thing filling his head.

It’s not something he’s deliberately keeping away from them and only them, it’s everyone Isak doesn’t want to know that personal fact about him, and that’s fine. He’s allowed to not want to share everything, even if this is a bit bigger than taking the last bit of milk and forgetting to buy a new carton.

They had all moved in together because they wanted to move in together, the four of them, ‘Just how it should be,’ Magnus had crowed into their ears as he’d folded his arms over their shoulders and drawn them into a hug that smelled too much of beer and sweat to be as pleasant as it was in Isak’s memory.

But ‘just how it should be’ most certainly isn’t this. It isn’t Jonas biting his lips before saying something, it isn’t Magnus acting oddly around Isak, and it isn’t Mahdi being so goddamn reserved. It’s putting Isak on edge, more than he already is, which at this point is quite a lot, actually, and he shouldn’t be walking around feeling like this in his home.

He has tried so hard. He has been trying for so many years now, and for just a moment in time, he thought he had it. He had friends, he had a home, he had a home with his friends, and it had finally felt like life was turning around for him, and now he’s left with tension and more difficulties and Isak doesn’t know what to do.

There are pictures of them together scattered around the living room, originating back from when Eva had come around and scolded them and said this place needed to feel less like a pigsty and more like a home, that they were grown-ups and their house should ‘reflect that’.

The most grown-up things they’d been able to think of buying were pictures and sofa cushions, so now their grey sofa has yellow and orange cushions, and there are pictures hung up on the walls and scattered around on whatever flat surfaces were left. They’d gone to IKEA and gotten the frames and then printed the pictures off of their Instagrams on the university’s printer.

There are the stupid pictures of them fooling around, then there are the sweet group pictures where they’re all smiling. There’s one of Isak studying in their kitchen, the sun behind him, there’s one of Jonas and Mahdi shouting at the camera and holding up bottles of beer, and there’s one with Magnus smiling dopily at an out-of-frame Vilde. Isak’s picture is the only one with no smiles to be seen. Isak tries desperately not to reflect on that.

Just like how he doesn’t reflect on how in each of their individual rooms the others have put up pictures of their families, their current friends, the friends they don’t see as often because of life. Jonas has pictures of him and Eva and Eva alone, and Isak has nothing. Not a single picture.

He doesn’t think about the shoebox, whose contents feel forbidden, that he has hidden away in the top back of his closet, on the only shelf there. It’s stuffed underneath a pile of clothes and behind stacks of books from his previous semesters that he’ll probably never use ever again. It’s the perfect hiding place, because even if the boys decide to brave the contents of his closet, there’s no way they’d even think of going up there.

Isak’s doing a lot of that lately, of carefully strategizing, of hiding, of faking, of pretending – all of which he hates and has berated whoever was close enough to hear after a few too many drinks about, and here he is, doing the same shit as always.

It feels like he’s always doing it, never stopping. He never gets a reprieve and he hates that he desperately wants to blame Even for it, but he can’t. First of all, it’s not fair – this particular case excluded, because Even showing up in Oslo after having been away for so long has certainly been the catalyst in Isak’s rapidly declining wellbeing, but other than that, it’s all Isak’s doing.

That just makes him feel worse. The fact that it’s himself who is causing all of this pain makes Isak feel dizzy, his stomach swooping uncomfortably.

Stepping in through his front door makes his stomach curl in on itself instead. For a moment, Isak seriously contemplates just not walking in, just walking back out onto the street and never coming back. Would it be easier? Would it be better?

It wouldn’t. He can already tell himself that, at least. It wouldn’t be better, even if things are so incredibly shitty right now, leaving would do no good for Isak.

So he steps inside. His keys rattle in the lock, but not so loudly that the guys hear him before the door slams shut behind and he yells out the customary “Hello?” they always do to check who is home.

Fifteen minutes. He’d gotten a fifteen minute break between leaving the university and arriving home, and now he’s right back to pretending that everything is alright, that there isn’t a giant fucking pink tutu-wearing elephant dancing around in the room that Isak put there.

Isak’s pretending when he tries to smile at the boys. He’s pretending when he’s listening to them talking about their day, about whatever parties are coming up, about the girls they want to get with. He’s pretending when he’s in school and he’s pretending when he’s at home and he’s pretending with the people he’s supposed to call his closest friends, the people he considers his closest friends, even if they might not consider the same about him.

He’s pretending that the boys aren’t all pretending as well when they skirt around topics, when even Magnus refrains from talking about movies or his coursework, because media studies and Even might be too closely related to each other for Isak not to freak out again.

He only stops pretending when he closes his bedroom door behind him quietly, but only so much that he isn’t putting on a fake smile for everyone, because in truth he never really stops pretending, even around himself. He pretends, because maybe if he keeps on doing it for long enough, it’ll be so engrained in him it’ll be the truth, the only truth.

He slumps down against his door, sliding all the way down until his bum hits the ground with a too loud bump. He puts his head in his hands.

He still can’t breathe.

 Past

Moving into the Kollektiv goes surprisingly seamlessly.

Isak can chalk it up to how everything leading up to it, how it’s been his dad leaving, the tirades of religious zeal, his mom being sick enough to being moved into a facility care, the constant worries and self-destructive behaviors Isak has picked up on over time, has been so much more difficult than anything Isak has ever experienced before, that the process of moving that everyone usually complains about just doesn’t really compare.

A lot of it is also because of Even – lovely, lovely Even who is spread out on his bed, laptop open on his stomach as he’s typing away. Isak doesn’t know whether it’s homework or ideas or an actual script, but they’re nearing midterms and Even is a senior, so Isak hopes it’s homework he’s working on.

Isak doubts it, but there’s a first for everything.

He can’t tell if it is schoolwork or not Even’s working on. They don’t attend the same high school and they don’t follow the same study line. Even goes to Bakka while Isak goes to Nissen, because he for sure won’t be going to any of those pretentious-ass schools – he’s not an obnoxious hipster and he isn’t rolling in wealth. Still, he’s looked over Even’s shoulder enough that at this point, he probably knows enough to be able to do Even’s program at Bakka, but beyond Even, Isak’s not interested in movies or media in the slightest, so Nissen will have to do.

It also helps that Elias and his crew of tormentors don’t go there, so it not only physically but also mentally felt like a new beginning, a fresh start.

Isak chances a look at Even’s screen, but Even’s flying through documents and tabs and browsers and videos faster than Isak manages to grasp. Honestly, Even can’t possibly be taking any of it in, either. Then he’s back to a document, typing away for a second before he repeats the process.

It’s… quite a bit more than what Even usually is, but Isak has only been living in the Kollektiv for nearly a week now, everything is still new and a bit exciting, so it’s understandable why Even is more wired than Isak has previously seen. It’s not like it’s a lot, just more in some way.

Plus, there’s also the extra added factor of nervousness at Eskild catching Even in his room. They already have a cover in case it happens – friends from school – but that excuse doesn’t really work if Eskild catches them during the night and asks why they’re cuddled up to each other half-naked.

Not exactly what ‘just friends’ do.

“What are you working on?” Isak asks as he turns off the lamp at his desk. His Norwegian essay can wait until tomorrow.

The joints in his back pop when he stretches back to look at Even, who is already watching him, smiling coyly as he lets his eyes linger over the length of his torso, his arms. Isak flushes, which only makes Even’s grin widen, but he lets it lie and looks back at his computer instead.

“Hmm?” Isak tries again when Even still hasn’t answered.

Isak’s twisted around on his desk chair – or, Noora’s desk chair. It still feels weird that he’s essentially using someone else’s furniture, someone else’s belongings, but Noora hadn’t been able to bring anything with her to Spain, and it’s not like Isak had a lot of his own that he wanted to bring instead – so he can look at Even, his arms resting over the back on the dark blue padding.

“Is it a secret?”

Even’s smile takes over his face, like that in itself is a much better story than whatever he’s working on. Isak can see the thoughts flying around in his head as his mind comes up with endless possibilities, but Isak isn’t really interested in all of those for a change.

It’s causality; Even smiles so Isak smiles, no question of correlation here. It makes something in Isak’s stomach twirl happily as he rests his cheek on his folded up arms.

Even hums noncommittally. “The most secret of secrets.”

The sun is hanging low on the sky, just barely shining in through Isak’s windows. It makes the white walls look golden with white patches in the shape of the window frame. Gold and red leaves frame the glass and all of it is positioned just so perfectly that the sun shines directly on Even while his face is blocked off. It makes his hair a lot more golden than it really is and Isak thinks he looks ethereal.

“So not your homework, then,” Isak teases and hides his smile in his arms when Even leans his head back up against the wall and groans dramatically.

“What are you, my mother?” Even groans.

No, Isak thinks to himself as he gets up off of his chair. I’m your boyfriend.

It’s not as difficult to say in his mind anymore, but actually saying the words out loud? Yeah, that’s not going to happen, no thank you.

It’s like Even hears him anyway, because his eyes go soft and he gets that look on his face Isak always endlessly teases him about, even if it means Even gets to tease him right back for the similar look Isak gets whenever he sees Even.

Isak vehemently denies he looks at Even with anything that could be described as ‘fondness’. He is a rock, a cold, hard rock – none of that mushy stuff for him.

Isak pads across the distance between the desk and the bed on socked feet until he can knee his way up the mattress, up over Even’s body. Even accommodates him by pushing the laptop off of his stomach and onto the bed. His breath leaves his body in a harsh ‘umph’ when Isak drops his torso onto Even’s legs so his face is pressed into Even’s stomach.

“You comfy?” Even wheezes, but Isak can feel him breathing so he knows it’s pretend.

Isak hums and nuzzles his face into Even’s stomach, following the flat planes and the dip of his bellybutton. Even’s hand reaches into his hair, twirls around a few strands to tug. It makes Isak’s toes curl and he looks up to smile shyly at Even.

Who looks at Isak like he’s pretty sure he’s actually a mirage. And then reaches over and starts typing something onto his computer.

“Sudden inspiration?” Isak teases. He presses a kiss on Even’s stomach through his t-shirt. The click-clacks of the keyboard pause for a second before Even continues.

It’s been less than five hours since Even had poured out a soliloquy about why he was showing up right now, because Isak seemed to be his muse and it was of utmost importance he was around him to work properly. He’d promised Isak he would dedicate odes to his entire being, to which Isak had reminded him he wrote manuscripts, he wasn’t a poet. Even had tutted at him and talked about artists and working in different art forms, and Isak had silenced him by kissing him until Even started talking about what he’d come over to do.

Honestly, it was more down to luck than knowledge that Even had showed up exactly when he did. Usually, they work off of precise time schedules that calculate when Eskild will be either a) busy – doing what, Isak does not care nor does he particularly want to know – or b) out of the building entirely and Linn is a) out or b) asleep so that Isak can get Even in and out without either of them noticing Isak has someone over to visit.

“Absolutely,” Even agrees, typing some more. “So if you could just stay there and be absolutely adorable, that’d be a real help, dear.”

Isak’s nose scrunches up in disdain. “’Adorable’,” he huffs, sinks his teeth into Even’s shirt just hard enough Even will be able to feel the scrape on his skin. “Piss off. I’m not adorable in the slightest.”

Even’s hum tries to be placating, but Isak isn’t fooled into believing him for even a second, so he presses another bite further up on Even’s ribs.

“Hey,” Even shudders, reaches out to grab onto Isak’s hair again. He tugs once a bit harshly, but he doesn’t direct Isak’s head away from his torso. “Menace.” And then he launches into a ramble about plot points and key elements and Isak doesn’t actually know which story he’s working on, so it all flies over his head.

Even’s also talking so quickly it’s difficult to keep up with, even if Isak had known the thoughts and theories behind it.

Isak grins as he rolls off of Even to land heavily on the free bit of mattress along Even’s side. It’s cool to the touch and it feels nice again his cheek, but it’s quite like the same temperature as the rest of the room in general. Isak should really get to asking Eskild about the heating situation before it’s dire or he’s already gotten ill for the first time this season.

Still, it feels nicer when Even curls his arm around Isak’s shoulder and pulls him in close until he’s more so lying on Even than on the bed.

It’s so easy to let his body relax completely, something Isak rarely lets himself do. It’s so easy to just close his eyes and breathe, because Even is warm underneath him and is happily rambling at him and it just feels so easy.

It’s definitely easy enough that he’s about to fall asleep.

Even must be able to feel it, some type of extra heaviness on his chest from Isak, can probably feel his breathing evening out to these deep in- and exhalations.

He doesn’t let him, though. Instead, Even sits up, forcing Isak to sit up along with him, and he doesn’t stop no matter how much Isak groans and tries to shuffle his nose into the crook of Even’s neck, right against his collarbone. Even just presses a kiss to his forehead and starts tugging at Isak’s sweatshirt, helping him get his arms in order so he can pull it off of him.

With enough persuasion, Even gets Isak to stumble onto his feet and go to the bathroom and brush his teeth for the night. The tiles in the shower are still wet, so either Eskild just left or Linn is home and probably asleep by now. Either way, they’re not going to be disturbed.

When he gets back to his room, Even is still lying on the bed, gazing out of the window like there’s something more important out there, something that should have his focus other than Isak, and Isak obviously can’t allow that, so he flops face-first sideways onto the bed. His stomach ends up over Even’s thighs, and he more so knocks out his own breath than amounts to have any impact on Even.

Even just laughs and scoots up the bed until he can pull his legs free and roll Isak over onto his back.

Isak’s limbs already feel sleep heavy, despite the brief pause to the bathroom that usually would’ve had his brain and body awake and ready to go again for at least two hours. He’s lethargic when Even pulls him up to sit so he can slide his t-shirt off of him in a similar manner as he’d done with the hoodie.

Next goes his jeans, once Isak has flopped back onto the bed, bouncing twice before he settles. Even presses a kiss to his bare stomach, right above the hem of Isak’s jeans. It feels nice, so Isak make sure to hum his appreciation as he scratches his nails along the nape of Even’s neck.

The bed is still warm underneath him from where they’d just been lying and where Even has been for the past couple of hours. That makes it so much easier to just sink into it, even as Even starts tutting at him to cooperate.

Isak doesn’t do much more than lie there, but Even still manages to work his jeans down his legs and discard them. The button clangs slightly against the floor, but Isak only just hears it over Even getting him to shuffle up to the pillows and under the covers.

“Go to sleep, baby,” Even cards his hand through Isak’s hair. It feels nice and Isak is quite fond of this bubble that’s seemingly formed around the two of them where they’re safely tucked away in his room.

“Lay down next to me, then,” Isak counters.

Even rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling and complies with Isak’s wishes without a single protest.

Isak falls asleep to the feeling of Even getting up again.

There are times where Isak wants to shout out that he likes Even, that Even likes him back, that Even is his boyfriend, and just as quickly as the impulse comes, it dissipates and Isak is left with the urge to huddle up in his room with Even behind closed doors.

He doesn’t know if that makes him a coward or if it makes him smart. There’s no one around for him to ask, no one to get a second opinion from, and that’s fine, really, it is. For every second that Isak gets the urge to just say it, he has hours and days where he’s so inexplicably relieved that no one knows yet he still gets to go home and be with Even.

It’s a system that works for them. It’s no one’s business but their own, anyway.

Isak falls in and out of consciousness for the couple of hours the night lasts. He wakes up whenever Even starts moving around, going from the bed to the floor to the desk, whenever Even gets so excited about whatever his mind has managed to conjure up that he can’t keep the laughter in or he just has to say that line out loud.

When he wakes up for longer than just a few seconds, the sun has started to peek in, and Isak can feel that it is way too early to be up, even if it wasn’t the weekend.

Isak stretches lazily as he turns over on his side so he can look over at Even who is sitting by the desk, laptop open and fingers flying over the keys. There’s nothing that tells him Even knows he’s awake.

“Even,” Isak whines, pushes his bottom lip out a bit in a pout to exaggerate but also entice. “Come and lie with me.”

Even twists around on the desk chair and Isak can see it forming on his lips, the rejection, the explanation that he just has to finish this next bit, Isak, and Isak’s already bracing himself for it.

But then, when Even really looks at him, it’s like something in his eyes softens and he kind of slumps a bit in his seat. Exhaustion is probably catching up to him, Isak thinks, and he stretches backwards to scoot his body further back, leaving a warm spot on the bed open for Even to curl up next to him in.

“Alright,” Even agrees – he’s rolling his eyes at Isak’s theatrics when Isak can’t help but grin widely at having gotten his way, but Isak has gotten his way, so he doesn’t feel the need to call him out on it. “I’ll lie with you until you fall asleep.”

Isak’s pout returns. He knows Even hasn’t slept the entire night, but there is something about him, some restless energy buzzing around in him that just won’t settle.

Even raises his arm so Isak can curl in close up against him, his own left arm curls around Even’s chest as his head comes to rest on Even’s shoulder. Isak’s still sleep warm and Even’s slightly cooler temperature feels nice against him, like a fresh change that makes his eyelids fall heavy as it becomes a struggle to keep his eyes open.

“Noooo,” Isak sighs, nuzzles his face against the hard line of Even’s shoulder. “Tell me about what you’re writing.”

Isak doesn’t have to be looking at Even to know how he looks right now; that fond look that simultaneously makes Isak both want to curl up in bed with him and look around nervously to see if anyone’s paying attention to them. Still, it makes him feel warm and safe and Isak might, might, be falling too hard too fast.

“I’m not telling you if you’re going to fall asleep halfway through,” Even pushes gently at Isak’s body, making him rock back and forth a couple times before he settles again.

“I won’t,” Isak protests, but he knows he will. He’s already struggling to stay awake, and having Even’s voice almost narrating what’s going on in his head will set him off even quicker.

“You will,” Even tells him matter of factly, but he still launches into the story he’s working on.

Isak stays awake halfway through. He gets out a murmur of, “You still owe me a beach story,” before he’s out like a light.

He wakes up again in the middle of the day. Even’s still being a busy bee, but now it’s from beside Isak on the bed and he’s scribbling something on a notepad so he wouldn’t have to move to get the laptop still perched open, screen dark from inactivity or maybe lack of battery, on the desk.

It’s so late that Isak can hear both Eskild and Linn bumbling around in the flat, and it makes his heart pick up a beat too fast. Even notices he’s awake.

“Yeah,” Even says in lieu of a good morning. He does bend down to press a kiss to the top of Isak’s head. “Didn’t want to wake you up before them. You’re too beautiful when you sleep.”

It’s risky doing this – any of it, really, but not getting up before Eskild and Linn are stumbling around the flat is almost like asking to be caught. Isak knows this, Even knows this, and Isak can feel his stomach starting to twist up in anxiety already. Any thoughts he’d had yesterday about his room being a bubble for just the two of them has popped at the prospect of other people’s proximity to them.

Isak doesn’t tell him it’s fine, because he isn’t sure if it is. It’s Sunday, probably around midday judging by the light, and Isak knows Even has plans with his parents this afternoon. Plus, it’s not like they’re able to just hide Even away in Isak’s room for an entire day, as nice as the thought is.

Isak does tilt his head back until Even appeasingly bends down to press a lazy kiss to his lips.

As uncomfortable that Isak is that Even has stayed, he’s also incredibly pleased that he got to wake up to this.

Even presses another kiss to his forehead and then turns back to whatever he was doodling on the pad of paper. When Isak turns to look at it he can see it’s some type of storyboard, but it’s too doodle-y for him to see what the story is actually about. It could be aliens, it could be penguins, Isak can’t tell.

He can the leftover strips of ripped papers see by the edge of the pad, revealing just how large an amount of papers that have hastily been torn out while Isak was sleeping.

Glancing over his room, it’s quite easy to see that Even hasn’t been sleeping next to him this entire time.

It looks a little bit like a very small hurricane has swept through while Isak was asleep. There are scrunched up paper balls littered all over the ground, discarded ideas of Even’s, but some of them look like they’ve deliberately been placed there, with Isak’s school books set up like walls of a mini-set, and every single blue article of clothing Isak owns strewn out on the middle of the floor in something that could vaguely resemble waves.

Isak doesn’t really know what to do with any of this.

“Did you get some sleep?” Isak asks even as he’s 100% certain of the answer being negative.

Even doesn’t even give him a proper answer. He grins like he’s just let Isak in on a funny secret and kisses him until he has to go.

The next ten minutes pass with Even humming theme music for spy movies under his breath, grinning whenever Isak hisses for him to stay quiet as he goes into the hallway to figure out where Eskild and Linn are in the guise of going to the bathroom.

They’re both in the kitchen which means Isak hasn’t got a chance of sneaking Even out of the front door or the backdoor. Shit.

“Alright,” Isak whispers when he ducks back into his room. His hear is pounding and he tries to convince himself it’s just from Even and nothing else in order to calm down. “I’ll have to go keep their attention on me. Then you can sneak out the front door.”

“Proper Romeo and Juliet, don’t you think?” Even kisses Isak again before Isak can protest that now may not be the time to do anything but focus on getting out without bringing attention onto themselves.

Still, it works and Isak feels his body slump down a bit in relief of being so near Even. They can do this, they have to.

Isak sneaks out into the hallway, but he has to pause before he enters the kitchen to suck in a deep breath. He can do this.

“Hey.”

Eskild jumps from where he’d had his back to Isak, one hand flying out to clutch the kitchen counter, the other to grab onto his chest over his heart like the dramatic ass he is.

“Jesus,” Eskild whines. “You’re going to end up giving me a heart attack! Make some noise when you enter a room, why don’t you?”

Isak snorts and doesn’t apologize as he goes over to get a cup of water. His heart is pounding as he simultaneously tries to think of something to say and to listen out for if he can hear Even get out safely.

“Don’t need to when you make enough noise for two,” Isak teases, chugs the water and opens the fridge to see if they have any juice as well. God, does this count as a tell that he’s hiding something? Drinking a lot?

Linn snorts, but she turns away from the sink to look over at Isak, finally facing away from the entrance to the kitchen. “Fucking hypocrite, you are. What, have you been redecorating your room? You look a bit too well-rested to have spent all of it awake.”

Isak tilts his head to the side in confusion. What on earth is she talking about?

“Oh,” Isak breathes out. Shit, had Even been making so much noise? Not enough that Isak woke up from it, but enough that Linn would? “Shit, sorry.”

He should probably tell her to come knock on his door the next time it happens, so he won’t keep her up again – he probably would’ve had it only been him in his room. The problem is it’s not just Isak in his room.

Linn huffs loudly enough the sound of the front door closing isn’t audible.

Isak’s heart doesn’t stop pounding until he has finished grabbing a bite to eat with his housemates and has checked the entire apartment for Even, just in case.

OOOOO

Two days later, Even shows up at Isak’s front door.

It’s too early. Isak knows Even’s class only finished ten minutes ago and the tram doesn’t leave for another five minutes after that. He looks at him questioningly, but Even doesn’t say anything, even as he probably knows that Isak’s realized he has played hooky.

Even’s swaddled in a winter coat that looks too warm for the just chilly air outside, and he looks tired.

He still smiles sweetly at Isak and kisses him hello, but afterwards he falls into bed and sleeps for eleven hours straight, barely tossing and turning like usual. Four times, Isak curls in close to him for no other reason than to check he’s still breathing.

When he wakes up the next morning, Isak jokes that he must’ve been tired, teasing him that he shouldn’t spend so many nights awake just so he can write. Even gets a distant look in his eyes at that and his smile seems more like he’s putting on a mask.

Isak can’t help but feel like he’s missed something, a bigger part of the story, the clue that foreshadows the climax, exactly what Even always berates him about needing to be the most advanced and difficult thing to write, to perfect.

Isak bites his tongue, looks at Even sleeping in his bed and reminds himself that his life isn’t a movie and that he shouldn’t think of it as plot points that perfectly fits into the Narrative Arc.

Next part

[kngweasley]

RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY.

and when my fear pulls me out to sea, and the stars are hidden by my pride and my enemies, I seem to hurt the people that care the most. just like an animal, I protect my pride when I'm too bruised to fight. and even when I'm wrong, I tend to think I'm right.

the PAST.

We know how this goes. Ron Weasley, second youngest of seven, the last son of Arthur and Molly Weasley. What the family lacked in money, they made up for with love. No finery can compare with the warm embrace of his mother after a particularly nasty nightmare. No diamond shines as bright as his father’s eyes as he tinkers with some Muggle trinket, handing over a tool to his youngest son, smiling brighter still as he watches his boy share in his curiosities. 

Ron was loved and he was happy, but he was never so certain of himself. He was not the brightest, nor the boldest. He did not tell the best jokes or pull off the greatest pranks. Auntie Muriel never doted on him for being a future heartbreaker. People were not instantly charmed by him. He was never the first pick for a friendly family match of Quidditch. 

That’s not to say he wasn’t bright or bold or funny or charming or talented or kind. He was all those things and more. But with six older brothers he admired and a younger sister he adored, he began to feel early on that he would never measure up. He did not want to be just another Weasley. He did not want to be a nobody. He wanted to stand out, to be somebody. 

Being friends with Harry Potter made him somebody. He was another red head in hand-me-down robes. He was Ron Weasley, best mate of the Boy Who Lived. And the best part was that Harry did not care one bit that he was not the brightest, nor the boldest, and so on and so forth. Harry cared that someone was kind to him, loyal to him, a true friend to him. Being Harry Potter’s best friend was a great source of pride and joy in Ron’s life. 

The fought real and metaphorical beasts side by side. They obsessed over Quidditch, laughed at nonsense, talked about everything there was to talk about (well, nearly everything). There were low points, where the idea of fame and fortune clouded Ron’s judgement and led him to lose sight of how precious, how genuine his friendship with Harry was. There were challenging times when Ron, try as he might, could not get through to Harry. Could see his pain, but could not understand it.  Jealousy and pride rattled in his brain when he knew better. 

He got a lot of things wrongs. He got a lot of things right. One day he realized that what they faced was bigger than nobodies and somebodies. He knew there would be losses. He never would have guessed how many. He never would have guessed who. 

When Harry Potter died, he took a fair chunk of Ron Weasley with him to the grave. 

Fred’s death stung. Ron could feel as an ache in his chest, a heavy weight on his shoulders. His brother’s corpse haunted him each time he closed his eyes. He struggled to look George in the eye for well over a year. Fred’s death was pain and guilt.

Harry’s death was anger and denial. Neither can live while the either one survives. Didn’t that mean one of them got to survive? The war was over, Voldemort was defeated, yet Ron still felt that he had lost. He had not considered a world where they won but Harry was not there to celebrate with. So much of who he had grown to be was because of his friendship with Harry Potter. Who was Ron Weasley without him?

First, he was depressed. Never had there been a more dreary atmosphere than that of the Burrow in the months following the war. Without Harry by his side, Ron did not feel that same drive to become an Auror and wipe out the remaining Death Eaters that he did in canon. Someone else could do the dirty work, for once. He wanted a break. He rarely left his room, with the exception of funerals and memorials, for the first month. Eventually, he ventured to other parts of the house (once he regained his appetite and remembered he much he loved his mother’s cooking). He did chores without being asked and became quite enamored with gardening and yard-work. He built a new shed for his family without using magic -- it was far from a masterpiece, but it still stands to this day. 

Slowly but surely he began coming around Weasley Wizard Wheezes more and more. It felt good to work at the shop. He kept busy and held Fred close to his heart with day of productivity. As a member of the ‘Golden Trio’ and closest friend of Harry Potter he was the subject of some media coverage. For the most part, he ignored it. He didn’t care to offer generic platitudes for the Daily Prophet. He didn’t have answers for the questions thrown at him by faceless reporters, cameras flashing and mics far too close to his face. He wanted to find peace. He wanted to make sense of the senseless. And for the first time in his life, he wanted to blend in, to be one of the masses. To be a nobody. 

THE PRESENT.

Ron is still the Ron we all know and love (assuming you know and love him). He loves butterbeer and the Chudley Canons. He tends to speak before thinking and he often makes colorful comments that have his mother scolding him. He is more confident than his eleven year old self (as many of us are). He does not feel the need to prove himself worthy of attention and praise. He does not feel that he is competing with his siblings. He gets up each morning and simply tries his best because that’s all anyone can do anymore. He works hard, because he cares about his work. He is still prone to procrastination when an unfavorable task comes his way. It’s possible he does indeed have the emotional range of a teaspoon. 

He is still Ron Weasley. He reminds himself of this each morning. He is still Ron, he is still a Gryffindor, he is still a lionheart, he is still him even when it feels like such a significant portion of him is missing. He wakes up and faces the day because there’s nothing else for him to do. In so many ways, he is simply making it through the day. Ron Weasley is alive, but it’s hard to say if he’s truly living.

THE PERSONALITY. 

WAND: 14″ larch with unicorn hair core  PATRONUS: Jack Russell Terrier (loyal, playful, hungry)  ZODIAC: Pisces (b. March 1, 1996) – devoted, compassionate, sensitive, moody, distant TEMPERAMENT: sanguine  MBTI:  ESFP (extroversion - sensing - feeling - perception)  VIRTUES: courage, generosity, wit, honesty, loyalty VICES:  envy, jealousy, indolence

OOC NOTES. 

First thing: AVPM!Ron is more Ron than Movie!Ron. 

Second thing: I am a Ron Weasley STAN. Not because I think he is perfect and incapable of doing anything bad ever. In fact! I adore him because of how wonderfully flawed and human Ron is. He is a loyal and true friend, but he can be a bit of an ass. He is funny, but too often at the expense of others. Hermione is incredibly bright, Harry is the Chosen One, and Ron is...Ron. Average on paper, but exceptional simply because he chooses to be. He has moments of selfishness 

I love Ron Weasley. JKRowling, Heyman, and Koves can get fucked. 

Third thing: Hi! Feel free to message me here on or on Discord if you want to plot/make some decisions over what is and what is not canon in this universe. For me, everything is canon for Ron right up until Harry goes to the forest. After that, it’s all still a bit up in the air.