#you make me happy when I’m getting nice inbox messages so I’m not as afraid to check my inbox lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chipper-asks · 3 years ago

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Any tips on how to grow your own blog by chance?

Aah man I've written a response to this kind of question many times but I always delete it because I'm afraid of coming off as self centered or arrogant, but I definitely have some tips on what works and doesn't work (on tumblr.)

I will say that I never believed I would get to the "Big Fandom Artist" stage. I've seen people drop my name in conversations or descriptions and just assume other people know who I am and that's still incredibly wild to me. I never really pushed to get a big blog it really just happened.

But! I do have rules and personal guidelines that might help if you are thinking of actively building your blog!

1: Keep personal information and vent posts to a minimum

It should go without saying that its not a good thing for your personal information to be on the internet. Once its out there its near impossible to erase. This is for your own safety.

Vent posts give out more information than you might think, but also some people who are following you may be going through difficult times themselves. I go on the internet to get away from my stressors and problems and i've specifically catered my dashboard to reflect my desires. I have no doubt others are the same.

I've unfollowed mutuals because they vented too frequently. I enjoyed what they made! But it stressed me out to read their vent posts because I couldn't help. I realized it was taking a toll on my mental health and I made the tough decision to unfollow.

It is very tempting to vagueblog because its nice getting out all the angry feelings, but a blog with thousands of people following it is not the place to do it.

2: Shitpost vs Quality Foley

I could go into a massive essay on this alone (ive even written out an outline already) but i'll keep it as brief as I can.

Throughout my time on Tumblr I’ve seen a number of posts of artists complaining about the lack of notes on their serious work compared to the abundance of notes on their shitposts.

This is because Tumblr IS a place of shitposts. It's like squeezing a clown nose and expecting it not to honk.

However! It's more complicated than that and i've broken it up into four parts organized by importance.

A. Relevance/Meta: Is it something that people are already familiar with? Is it something that's currently going on?

People want to enjoy things they're already familiar with. For example, people getting into Hollow Knight are more likely to follow a blog that posts HK content regularly over a HK blog that posted a picture of Grimm once and then is full of original content. It's not that people don't like your original stuff, its just not what they're looking for.

If you like striking while the iron is hot, meta jokes are the way to go. Making references to games like Among Us during the height of its popularity for example would get you lots of notes.

B. Hilarity

Is it funny? Does it subvert expectations?

Shitposts will always be more popular than a well drawn post. People like to laugh and share things that laugh. A cool, well drawn post is more often than not met with a "hm, cool. scrolls down."

This is a polished comic I made 10 months ago. I'm very proud of it and i'm pleased with the amount of attention it got. It took me 2 days to finish.

This is a shitpost I made 3 years ago that I still haven't been able to top. It took me 30 minutes to make.

That's not to say a well drawn post can get popular! It's just that people enjoy a good laugh over something shiny. This is a factor of knowing your audience. Some things land better than others and you'll be better off if you just roll with what you get.

I will say tho I appreciate the people who reblog my oc posts 200x more than people who reblog my shitposts and fanart. Those are quality followers and you must cherish them.

C. Appeal

Is it cute? Is it fluffy? Is the design easy to understand? Does it make people emotional? Is it angsty? Is it relatable?

People like cute shit. People like things that make them hurt (albeit not too much). People like things that they can see themselves in.

D. Skill

There is some merit in being good at what you do. People do like funny things more than shiny things, but shiny things are cool too.

If you post things that are funny? You're normal horoscopes.

If you post things that are well drawn? (its really telling that I can't think of someone right off the top of my head)

If you post things that are funny AND well drawn? Well then you're iguanamouth

3: Know your boundaries.

There's a difference between being understanding/tagging things correctly and catering to people who want you to be someone else.

I know that many people get upset with others who gender the vessels in Hollow Knight. While it doesn't bother me, I can recognize the misgendering of vessels as a source of dysphoria and I tag accordingly.

If someone comes into my inbox and tells me to stop drawing a character because they're "problematic," I'm just going to block them and go about my day.

4: This is your blog, its your rules.

I'm apologetically myself on my blog. I post what I want and what inspires me. The reason why I have so many AUs is because its my blog and I like AUs. If a large portion of the fandom doesn't like my AUs, its their loss, I make great AUs.

In fact, its just a good mindset in general to have. If some people don't like what you make, its not your problem. It makes you happy and it makes hundreds of others happy then continue to do what you do. It's impossible to have a large following and not have someone who dislikes you purely out of spite.

Make stuff for yourself, not because you want numbers.

5: Don't feed the trolls.

If someone sends you hate, take a picture of it, share it with your friends, laugh, block the person, delete message, move on with your life.

It's really fun to feed the trolls, but feeding trolls attracts more trolls and soon its not fun anymore. Just laugh when you get your first anon hate, maybe frame it in your room, and don't even acknowledge them with a "fuck you."

6: Recognize your position.

This is more advice for when you do get a big blog. You get to a point when you realize you have a portion of your audience who value much more than a regular human being and are willing to take up arms for you.

Do. Not. Weaponize. Your audience.

It's incredibly shitty and can ruin peoples lives.

7: Post Frequency/Schedule

Now this is one I can't do. It's normal for me to become incredibly active for 2 weeks and then end up posting nothing for a month. I don't have the patience to build up a queue of new things.

However! If you have more discipline than me, posting daily or twice a week builds up anticipation for your next post. You're dependable and people have the chance to look forward to seeing something from you on their dash on Friday.

Thats all I can think of so far.

There's no TL;DR you'll miss my important advice within these tips.

#nofandom #long post

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wing-ed-thing · 4 years ago

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Fraternizing and Spineless (Kabuto x Reader, Part IV)

Synopsis: Kabuto has a fixation and you sometimes apologize to inanimate objects. Ever since one fateful day, you’ve been drawn to each other from opposite sides of the battlefield.

Word Count: 3,429

Warnings/Tags: @tiktoktheclockisticking Bullying, Language, ANGST CITY, Alcohol, Side Iruka x Reader, Fem!Reader

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Finale

Notes: I’m fully expecting to get messages in my inbox that range drastically in forcefulness. Perhaps a “how dare you” or two.

You stood outside of Shushu-ya, almost as if you expected to be told to come in. A silly notion. With a heavy sigh, you clenched the warped gift in your hands, starting to regret the shoes you wore among other things. But you know you couldn’t back out now. You couldn’t miss Iruka’s birthday. Your reluctant hand grasped the door and before you could chicken out, you heaved it open.

The group was easy to spot, even in Shushu-ya’s dim lighting. Everyone gathered around the bar. A few people sat in a large, open booth. The crowd made you nervous, but you couldn’t help but feel a semblance of relief. You weren’t the first one there. Iruka spotted you immediately and waved you over. You took a sharp inhale before forcing yourself across the restaurant with a smile. You were, at the very least, glad to see him.

Iruka got up from his spot at the end of the extensive, circular seating and greeted you warmly. Knowing him, he sat at the end just to see people come in the door. He extended his arms to you in a hug. You happily embraced him. It had been quite some time since you got to spend any quality time with your friend. You handed him his present.

“As usual, you’re always so thoughtful.” Iruka pursed his lips, a sentimental expression coming upon him. Even still, the corners of his lips turned upward into that classic Iruka grin. “You didn’t have to.”

“It’s your birthday, Iruka. Of course I’m going to get you something nice.”

Iruka motioned for you to sit down and carefully placed your gift in the pile he had accumulated. You took a seat among two ninjas who you only knew by name. Iruka sat down next to who you were fairly sure you recognized as Kakashi of the Sharingan. The mask made it difficult to tell. You took your place next to Might Guy, the Leaf’s Green, Taijutsu Beast. You looked over to Iruka and wondered how he made such powerful friends. You supposed it was hard to not be acquainted with any famous shinobi in Konoha. Perhaps that’s what happened when you weren’t afraid to talk to people. You spied a few more of your colleagues around the bar, including your teammates from the last mission you took. They didn’t seem particularly pleased about your presence, but no one was going to impulsively make a fuss in front of Iruka.

You kept your head down and that’s where it stayed. The conversation went, for the most part, without you. You ordered a water quietly. You weren’t the type to drink, especially when you were as on edge as you were in this particular setting. The waiter set down your glass, making a sort of a sour face. You stared at the clear liquid, supposing that not many ordered water from a bar.

“That’s all you’re going to get?” You looked up into Kakashi’s intense eye. “You know you’re not on the clock, right?” He chuckled and you nervously laughed with him.

“Don’t listen to him.” Iruka rolled his eyes before taking a sip of his own drink. His kind gaze found yours. “You can do whatever you want, just know that the tab is already taken care of.” He looked past you and waved towards the bar. The bartender waved back.

“No, no. I completely understand!” Guy wrapped an arm around you, holding you a bit too close for the volume of his voice. You immediately let go of your drink. Your eyes went wide as he shook you with every word. “You gotta watch out for that hangover! Very smart! I commend you!” Kakashi tsked, tilting his head towards Iruka.

“Such a bad host, letting her sit next to Guy like that.” Iruka laughed sheepishly.

“Sorry,” He scratched at the back of his neck. “I guess the seat was open for a reason.” Guy pouted at the discourse across the table, arm still wrapped around your shoulder.

“Nonsense! Tease me all you like but I just know that… uh…” He turned to you with an outstretched hand and as much embarrassment as Might Guy was capable of. “What was your name again?” You took his much larger hand in yours and spoke your name, realizing that you hadn’t prior. He immediately shouted your name as if to commit it to memory, shaking you even harder than before. His shout got the attention of the rest of the booth and you suddenly your self consciousness skyrocketed. “—and we’re going to be best friends by the time the night is over! What do you think? You down for a party?” And suddenly you were expected to respond. You glanced around nervously.

“Um, yeah. Sure thing… I just think it’s really nice how everyone’s together.” Despite your response, you still felt like a bug under a magnifying glass. Sweat began to bead on your brow and your palms. You crossed your legs. “I feel like everyone’s always on missions so it’s nice to be among friends. And um, I can drink to that.” You glanced around the table once more, to Guy, to Kakashi, and then Iruka. Iruka’s eyes fluttered shut.

“I couldn’t say it better myself.” You raised your water weakly.

“Happy Birthday, Iruka.” Iruka raised his glass of sake and a roar went around the booth and extended to the bar. Someone hastily ordered a round of shots for the whole group. They came quickly, likely due to whatever likely large tip Iruka gave to the bartender.

One slid across the hard surface over to you. You gripped it between your fingers. The alcohol went down your throat with a steady burn. You let out a gasp with a bat of your eyes. The aftertaste of the ethanol burned your nasal cavity. Kakashi let out a deep laugh. Guy patted you hard on the back causing you to cough. Iruka smiled, ordering another round. You took another shot. People filtered in the door. And as the night went on, the three of you took to greeting Iruka’s guests along with him. The party crew quickly overtook the bar. A dull roar overtook Shushu-ya.

More words spilled from your mouth than you thought ever would in one sitting. Your three colleagues listened to you intently, jovially, and exchanged stories of their own. A small crowd gathered around your booth, members flitting from the bar and back. And for once in your life, people actually listened to you. You told your stories animatedly, waving your hands in emphasis. You took in the smiles around you, tales of missions and edgy impressions flying from your lips. Distracted, you hardly noticed the looks exchanged by your old teammates as they leaned against the low back of the booth.

“And I said, ‘You don’t need a rag, you need a towel’!” All those gathered around you burst out in hysterics. You felt the low rumble of Guy next to you. Iruka couldn’t pick his head up from the table. Kakashi yanked him up by his collar, revealing Iruka’s red, cackling expression. Kakashi snorted, dropping the cloth under his hand to cover his own face as he mocked his longtime friend. Joyful tears were still welled in your eyes when a slender hand clamped onto your shoulder.

You looked behind you only to become face to face with the kunoichi from your team. Her ever prevalent scowl remained plastered to her lips but they swiftly upturned into a sickly sweet smile.

“Hey, why don’t you tell everyone about our last mission? Or should I say, your last mission.” Your eyes widened and a chill coursed down your spine, remembering her unforgiving grasp on your hair following your meeting with the Hokage. You clenched your fists underneath the table, balling up the fabric of your clothing. What did she want from you? She crinkled her nose at you smugly. “Shy all of the sudden? That’s okay, I can tell it.” You heard Kakashi clap his hands together. You jumped.

“I’m always down for a good mission story,” He admitted eagerly. You shook your head vigorously.

“No, this one’s not very interest—” Another hard slap on your shoulder. Her nails dug into your shoulder.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit. I think they’ll all find this very interesting.” The kunoichi settled into her spot behind you, shifting her weight as she leaned forward. With a finger, she pointed out your two other team members. “See we were assigned with this one to find a scroll in a territory suspected of being owned by Orochimaru. ‘Cause she’s a wonder at blending in, right? That’s what we were told. And of course you know how these things go. Of course we find someone. Some bitch of Orochimaru—”

And as she described it, you could remember the scene vividly. Your teammates were reckless in their fighting and overall poor choices for a stealth mission. Flashy jutsu corrupted the frame of the underground system. The walls began to crack and shake. Your enemy had been caught off guard and outnumbered. Seeming to be already injured, there was only so much he could do to fight back. That was how you met Kabuto Yakushi.

“And so she doesn’t even warn us that the tunnel is, like, about to collapse. Some freak earthquake or something. So the enemy is knocked out cold and we’re running and running to try to find a way out and—”

You dove towards him. You didn’t know what drew you towards him in the first place but that’s what you did. As your team left without you, you tried your best to save the young ninja who had to only be as old as you. You tried to drag him but either you were too frail or he was too heavy. Your second option. Your hands ignited in healing jutsu, flickering on and off. You were by no means a healer, but your only thought in your panic was to get him awake. And as the maze of tunnels imploded around you, your world went black.

“So we don’t see her for days. You know, we think she’s dead. So in the meantime, we check out the other places on our list. Nada. We’re about to completely give up and then, wouldn’t you know, this one shows up having spent almost a week in enemy territory holding the exact thing we were looking for. Zero scratches and she apparently ‘doesn’t remember’ anything about it. Don’t you think that’s funny?” The kunoichi motions to your other teammates.

“I remember it being very funny,” One huffs, arms crossed. The small surrounding crown had gone silent. You dared to look across the table. Kakashi sat with his arms on the table, wordless. Iruka pursed his lips, equally expressionless. He cleared his throat. An awkward overtone laced the atmosphere.

“Well I think that’s enough of that—”

“Well, I wasn’t done. Almost there, though, I promise.” The kunoichi held up her hand. “‘Cause wouldn’t you know it? When we got back to the village, we found out that the scroll was a fake.”

“Well,” You squeaked, “Later we did find out that it was authentic after all—”

“But that was later,” She snapped. She ruffled your hair roughly, giving your head a slight push as she finally took her hands off of you. “Still doesn’t explain where you got it from.” She leaned in towards your ear. “Traitor.”

“Okay that’s enough.” Iruka stood from his seat. He extended his arm towards the door. “You three have clearly had too much to drink. I think it’s time for you to go home.” The kunoichi scoffed.

“We haven’t had too much of anything,” She snorted with a roll of her eyes and opened her mouth to say more. Guy turned with the most serious expression you had seen from him all night.

“He’s giving you an out. I suggest you take it.” He told her and apparently, that’s all it took for them to leave.

Iruka apologized for your team’s behavior but said nothing more about it for the rest of your time present. Most of the partygoers stuck to the bar now. Everything was off and you knew it would be as long as you were there. Your friends could hardly look you in the eye properly. You remained for a little while longer, starting to feel dreadfully sober. And when you thought you wouldn’t draw too much attention, you announced that you were leaving.

“Let me walk you out.” Guilt rattled around in your chest. It was Iruka’s birthday and you ruined it, just like you thought you would. And yet, he still offered to walk you out.

You allowed it, suddenly finding yourself standing outside of Shushu-ya, Iruka by your side. Even as the door closed behind you, you could hear the sound of Konoha’s nightlife. You waited for Iruka to speak, but the weight on your shoulders became unbearable.

“I’m not leaving because of you, you know. I had a good time. I really did, so go back in there and know that, okay?” You tried to read his face. He looked conflicted and the pounding of your heart only increased.

“I just want you to know that you have a friend. Eh, friends. No matter what.” You blinked at him a few times. You didn’t like how he said that last part.

“No matter what?” You let out a nervous laugh for the umpteenth time that night. Your eyes wandered erratically. “What do you mean by that?” You were expecting some reassurance, but none came. Your mind filled in the blanks. You took a step back. He took a step forward. “No matter if I sold out the Leaf? Is that what you’re telling me?”

“I-I didn’t say that.” He stammered. Suddenly frantic. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Well, you’re not denying it.” You gripped onto your strap bag. Another step back. Another step forward.

“I don’t think you sold out the Leaf. Not on purpose.” The tail end of that sentence stung. You began to tremble. Another person who thought that you were a traitor. “Listen, I had a student once. He’s out of the Academy now but he was in your shoes once.” You couldn’t look at him. You focused on your shoes, the shoes you’ve regretted wearing. “I know how guys like that are. I know how manipulative they can be, how they can convince you into doing something that you know you don’t want to do.” Your head snapped up.

“I didn’t do anything wrong. I wasn’t convinced to do anything wrong by anyone.”

“I know how kind you are. I know that you had a good heart. No one’s going to blame you if someone took advantage of that. I don’t care what happened. We’ve known each other forever. I’ll always be here for you.” Iruka gently placed his hands on your shoulders and his forehead against yours. You became cognisant of how violently you quaked. You didn’t even register his confession. The sharp burning between your eyes threatened to spill over into tears.

“Iruka, please stop. Just tell me that you believe me.” You gripped onto his forearm, wanting to feel a semblance of comfort. “I’m not a traitor.”

“I do believe you.” Unconvincing. You looked into his eyes, salty droplets now silently streaming down your cheeks.

“I didn’t do anything wrong.” Iruka nodded against you without a word. A beat. You gulped. “And Kabuto didn’t either.”

He pulled away, trying to fight a frown from crossing his face. You could see it. The realization morphing his features. Iruka tried his best not to show any of his mixed emotions, but he was always one to wear his heart on his sleeve. The corners of his mouth twitched.

“Who? The bingo book ninja?” He shoved a hand in his pocket. He always did that when he was nervous. “No, I’m sure he didn’t. D-didn't do anything wrong.” Once again, unconvincing.

“I’m sorry, I don’t feel well. Please, uh, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” You didn’t look back. You ran home.

***

When you got to your apartment, you dropped to the floor. You scrambled for a kunai to pry open the floorboard. Throwing the plank aside, you plucked out the scroll. Unraveling it, you bit your finger, smearing your blood across the summoning symbol.

You were already starting to scurry off when Kabuto appeared. You walked right through the white cloud of smoke. He felt troubled, but that wasn’t something you picked up on. Kabuto immediately pulled out a scalpel in defense, ready for an emergency fight. You didn’t even tell him to lower his weapon. You didn’t blink twice. You stormed straight to your wardrobe, yanking out a large travel bag.

“What’s going on? I thought you were going out tonight.” Kabuto asked, but you ignored him, stuffing belongings inside the bag. You skittered frantically around the room, pulling sentimental belongings from your drawers and off your shelves. Kabuto looked on helplessly as you muttered to yourself. He could hardly catch you with how erratically you darted around your small living space. With enough calculation, he caught you, grabbing you by your wrists. You struggled against him. “Hey, hey, hey slow down. Tell me what happened.”

You looked up at him, rivulets still flowing from your eyes.

“Please, Kabuto,” You begged. “Let’s run away together.”

His immediate response was to let go of you, stumbling a bit backwards.

“What?” His mouth went dry.

“I—” You couldn’t even get your thoughts straight. You just spoke, everything spilling out of you. —“Please take me away from here.” Ever-suave, Kabuto found himself panicked.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve killed a lot of people for one thing—” You met his eyes, but in your haze you missed all that they told. You saw complete and utter rejection.

“Aren’t you the one who always tells me that you’re not my enemy? You’re all I have.” Betrayal. If Kabuto could name the expression that washed over your face that would be it. You wiped the wetness from your skin with your sleeve. “Please, you know I would be quiet. You could have any of my books. I don’t even care about shoes on my bed. I don’t even need a bed just please let’s go right now!”

And for all of his big talk, Kabuto was at a loss. He wanted to. More than anything he wanted to scoop you off of your feet then and there, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t an option. He couldn’t bring you to Orochimaru. You were supposed to be here in the Leaf. You belonged here in the Leaf. This was where you could be happiest, not on the run with him. He’s caused enough damage to your life.

“I can’t.” That was all he managed to make out without his voice cracking. And as he looked into your large, wet eyes, his heart shattered.

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“I-I can’t. I—” He kicked himself. —“You’ll be happier here.”

“I’ll be happier with you,” You pleaded. You balled up your hands in the front of his shirt. “Please, I love you.” Kabuto diverted his eyes from yours, clenching them shut.

“No, you don’t.” He placed his hands over yours, gingerly trying to remove you from him but you stood firm. “You’re drunk. I’m sure that if you go to bed you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“I’m not drunk!” You argued, getting even more desperate than you already were. “You told me to gather up some nerve so here it is! I love you! Please let’s go, just you and me. We can start over—” And with a few quick hand signs, you fell asleep.

Kabuto’s hand hovered over your forehead. He could see your fear, feel it too. He caught you as you began to collapse and brought you over to the bed. Knowing your recovery speed, the jutsu wouldn’t last for long. Perhaps it would last a half hour, maybe less. Anyone else and he would have expected them to be out for the rest of the night. He covered you with your blanket and sat at the edge of the bed, ready to recast his spell when you began to come to for the rest of the night. He knew that if you kept talking, he would have done exactly what you asked. Kabuto buried his head in his hands and uncharacteristically, for the first time in years, began to sob.

Thank you to everyone who liked, reblogged, and followed. Your support means so much and is greatly appreciated.

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paintedpeeta · 3 years ago

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hi. I'm sorry for what im about to say, but i just need to let this go somewhere, otherwise imma explode. i can't talk to most of my friends right now, and i don't wanna bother anyone.

that's hypocritical of me since im coming here to bother you... and that's what im sorry about the most, but since you answered my previous ask with the most gentle treatment ive been given in days, here's me again.

im in the fandom for almost a year now. it's still difficult for me to write for everlark, specially following canon because they mean a lot to me, and im always afraid that im doing it the wrong way. I've been working on a longfic since february and there was a time where I was SO GENUINELY PROUD AND EXCITED about how i was writing, but i can't feel that anymore.

i can't feel that with anything i write. and when i do, or at least have some hope that someone will read it... nothing. not even my friends, the ones who pressured me to post it earlier than i planned in the first place. and now i feel like i have nothing, since nobody reads my thg shit and i pretty much stopped writing for other fandoms.

as a brazilian i kinda don't have the right to expect much, bc people who read everlark in portuguese nowdays are basically extinct and im not exactly using the best plataforms... but i still do. and that's making me sick.

i had to deactivate my twitter account this week because some family stuff, and i used to post a lot of my writings there. i created a new one, but now i have lost all of the lil reach i had, and i can't find most of my mutuals. my friends still couldn't care less about my writing.

i feel like im a bad author. not because my writing sucks or because I can't build storylines. i can, and feel like i do that decently. what i mean is that... nobodys reading what i put into the world. and what's the sense in all writings, if not make others feel so comforted and welcomed by our stories as we do, as authors?

i genuinely feel like getting out of twitter for good, because being there is not nice anymore. not when i see all people that promised me they would read my fics tweeting all day about all kinds of subjects and leaving me on read on dms. not when i post drabbles and have to delete them hours later because nobody sees or interacts w it.

at the same time, i don't know how to use tumblr. and every other part of my life is falling apart.

im sorry, again. but that's what I feel right now and i guess I just wanted someone to listen and comfort me, since my two other happiness sources are fictional. ignore that if you want. please, don't answer it because you feel like it's the polite thing to do or because you feel like you have to. you don't.

- I.H.

hello, anon :)

first of all i’m sorry that you’re feeling so down, i wish there was something i could do to help you more than just replying to this ask - so please remember that my messages are always open (i won’t take offence if you’d rather communicate through my inbox to keep ur anonymity of course) if you wanted to talk a little more. you must be hurting pretty bad if you feel like you can’t talk to your friends about it :(

and second of all, please don’t feel so discouraged that you stop with your writing. i really don’t read multi-chapter fics myself (i don’t even have an AO3 account if you’d believe it or not) so i sometimes feel a little guilty that i don’t do enough to support fic writers, who give up so much of their time to give other people some enjoyment and a little bit of escape. if you’d like to share the name or link etc of your fic with me i’d be more than happy to post it on my blog if you thought that would help any.

as for your troubles with writing in your native language, i can only imagine how frustrating that would feel for you. i wonder if anyone in the fandom would be able to help in the way of translation or something in order to help you in that respect? sadly i don’t speak portuguese, so i doubt i’d be any use on this one :(

and honestly i only have twitter for personal use so i’m not any help there but is there perhaps a way to reactivate your account? i wasn’t so sure but according to google you can get a deactivated account back within 30 days, if that would be in any use for reconnecting with your followers on there.

and lastly i hope you keep the faith in the longfic you’ve been writing. it would be terribly sad for you to lose all that you’ve worked on since february. that being said, if you feel like it’s giving you so much stress and just feeling fruitless it’s also okay to take a break and step back for a little while. no one will feel disappointed and you certainly shouldn’t feel that way about yourself. tumblr is sort of a pain in the ass to use i won’t deny it, but there are some amazing people and writers on here who i’m sure would be willing to help you out.

please don’t be a stranger if you need to rant again, and i hope any of what i’ve said is at least a little bit useful for you 😊

#asks #if anyone else could offer anon some advice please feel free #i feel like my response was inadequate #but my heart was in the right place lol

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wonwoosthetic · 3 years ago

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So I recently devoured your entire Minnie ML and I know you say we can send in requests, but what if you have like....a lot? Lol. Not that I would expect them to be done but I guess like... Additional suggestions or things we'd like to see. Idk if that makes sense but I'm now emotionally invested.

Hi, haha, thank you so much!☺️🥰😂 It’s always so nice reading comments like yours :)

So, how I usually do it, and maybe I should put that on the masterlist bc I’ve only ever answered that once before and that was months ago:

If I get normal requests that don’t have anything to do with any series of mine, I do try to get them done as soon as possible and, of course, if I get any inspiration and am able to write something good with the request I’ve been given.

If it’s a request for any of my series, I always would ask to be patient because, especially with Minnie, I also make social media posts, gose episodes, etc. So, if you have a request, please send them in, don’t hesitate! I’m always happy receive requests🤗 if I don’t answer to it, it means that I’m keeping it in my inbox or drafts and answer to it with the actual post :) if you don’t see your request as a chapter within a month, don’t be afraid to ask me about it, like “hi, I sent x request a while ago and you haven’t posted it yet, just wanted to ask if you still have it?” Because, sadly, tumblr often deletes inbox messages after I’ve received them or won’t even deliver them to me properly. It’s really frustrating and I’m extremely sorry about it.

I have some Minnie requests in my drafts that I’m keeping to post at a later time when I feel like it would fit, but if you want it to see it as soon as possible, just add a little “asap pls” at the end of your request☺️ always let’s me know how soon I should post it.

I truly try to go with the “first come, first serve” thing, but sometimes I just don’t have any idea/inspiration for how I could write it into a good post. And if I just start writing it without being motivated to do so, I won’t like it, and I only like to post things I’m actually satisfied with. So, it might happen that I don’t have any ideas for a request at the time, but I still like the request, so I keep it for a later time.

Also, another two examples:

There’s one request for a Minnie and Hanbin song collab that I’ve had in my drafts for quite some time. I LOVE the idea, truly LOVE it, but not for right now. I want to post it at a later time when I feel like it would fit the story line.

Another one would be Minnie’s SM days/her switch to Pledis. Another request I really really like and I’ve had it in my drafts for very long, but each week I get new ideas that I want to include and I’m still not 100% happy with the post, so I’m going to keep on editing it and posting it when I feel satisfied with it, instead of posting it and then over editing it after that bc then most people won’t read the edited chapter but the one I posted first… hope that makes sense

I’m really sorry if anyone doesn’t like my approach to posting, I’m trying my best, but I really don’t want to post anything I’m not happy with. I hope everyone understands🤗

This is a way too long explanation and all over the place, I’m sorry😅 but I’m really really glad that you asked and I was able to explain this.

So, long story short: don’t be shy or hesitant to send in requests, but pls be patient (especially also bc tumblr is very sadly not my job nor education), or write something like “asap pls” or “just a short sth” to let me know that it’s okay if it only has around 1-2k posts instead of 3k+ that would take me slightly longer🤗🥰

#such a long answer #I’m so sorry

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wastelandcth · 4 years ago

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movie nights (cth)

summary: best friends to lovers basically reader realizes she has feelings for calum when she sees him with another girl. i’m bad at summaries.

author’s notes: hello! tumblr broke and all my asks were deleted from my inbox so i’m slowly working on requests! hope you guys enjoy!

masterlist

Calum had been making popcorn in the kitchen when he heard his phone go off in the living room. He'd invited his best friend over for a movie night, a tradition that they'd try to keep up with ever since she'd moved to LA a few years back. It was his favorite night of the months, where they both just took off from work and responsibilities and laughed over crappy comedy movies or tried to secretly wipe away their tears during the rom-com.

"Hey Cal, you've got a text from a Macy!" she called out from the living room, "She interrupted a very important video of Duke I was taking on your phone." she teased, laughing softly as she walked into the living room and handing the phone over to him. "Who's this Macy girl and why haven't you told me about how she very desperately wants to see you again," she smirked, winking at him as she walked over to his fridge and grabbed another beer.

"Oh please," Calum whined as he checked his phone, ignoring the text message and looking at the video of Duke that she had claimed was so important, "She's just some girl I met when I went out with Ash a couple weeks ago. We've been talking every once in a while, nothing too crazy." he mumbled and chuckled absentmindedly as he watched Duke fail at trying to jump on the couch and heard her laughing before the video ended.

"She seems to be pretty adamant on meeting up with you again. I'm all for double texting but jeez, this girl sent you a whole novel, Calum." she laughed and nudged him, "She's probably expecting a ring soon."

"Nah, I don't really think she's my type. Plus, it's not like I'm really into her just didn't want to be rude." Calum shrugged, making his way back to the living room with her and settling down on the couch to enjoy another movie in one another's arms.

A few weeks later, when she'd been out shopping for movie night, she spotted Calum outside of Target. He was standing in the middle of the snack aisle, looking over countless snacks as he hummed to himself. She pushed her cart over to the aisle Calum was in, smiling widely as she prepared to scare the crap out of her best friend. The smile on her face faded when she saw Macy walk over to him, her eyes rolling as she saw him laughing together. She tensed up as she watched them from the end of the aisle, her heartbeat raced as she saw Macy place her hand on Calum's shoulder. She clenched her jaw, scoffing and walking away from the aisle as she heard Macy's laughter ringing out through the store.

She hated to admit it, but she hated any girl that Calum had gotten close to. She never knew why, some of them were nice girls, but she always found a reason to not like them. They were too clingy or they were just using Calum for fame or maybe they were just not right for him. As she walked through the aisles, lost in her mind, she couldn't help but think about her and Calum. It was always fun whenever they hung out, it was never worrying about what the other person thought of each other, it was just her and Calum. She was never afraid of being herself in front of him, she could tell him all her worries and her deepest secrets and she knew Calum wouldn't judge her. She loved him, that's all she knew, she loved Calum and all she could do was watch him fall in love with someone else.

She was sitting in her car when it started raining, the sound of the raindrops hitting her windshield matching the thumping in her chest. How was she supposed to just watch Calum be happy with someone else? She wanted to be the one who made him happy, to be the one who could go on dates with him and hold his hand. She wanted to know what his lips felt against hers and how his hand felt in hers. But now all she could do was wait until it either worked out between him and Macy or be there when it all came crashing down.

It was a few weeks later, when she'd been busying herself to try and keep away from Calum. She still answered his messages and laughed aloud to all the tik toks he'd send her during the day. But texting Calum and seeing Calum were two different things, she could handle a screen between them, but being face to face would be too much. She was a bottle of wine into her night, watching a show that she had no interest in. She was trapped in her own mind, no longer paying attention to the love story plotline as she thought about Calum. She missed him, sure she talked to him almost every day but she missed sitting next to him in silence as they binge-watched another show. She missed baking cookies with him and eating way too many in one sitting. She just missed being with her best friend and she was going to do something about it.

"What are you doing here bub? Did you walk here? Are you...are you drunk?" Calum asked softly, frowning as he saw her standing on his front porch, soaking wet from the rain outside. It was a few minutes past midnight, the thunder rumbling through the dark night sky as she stood in front of him. "Did something happen?"

"I just, I saw you with her the other day and I forgot how to breathe, Calum. I thought I'd convinced myself that I would be able to deal with you dating other people because we're just friends but I-" she was trying to control her breathing, which was coming out in short puffs as she paced across his living room, "I love you and I don't know how to stop the ache in my heart from seeing you with her and it's so shitty because this is how I tell you and I'm so sorry. I've been avoiding you for weeks now because I can't handle thinking that you have feelings for someone else and I'm so scared of losing you because of this. I really can't lose you. "

"Hey, bub, it's okay. Take a deep breath for me, okay? Why don't you come inside and we can dry you off, I don't want you to get sick." Calum said softly, his arm wrapping around her wet shoulder as he led her inside.

It was a while later before Calum saw her walk out into the living room. He'd been too lost in his own thoughts to remember she was even here, too lost thinking about her feeling the same for him to remember that she was a bedroom away in his shower. She was wearing one of his hoodies, her hair still wet and her nose red from the cold and what Calum assumed was crying she'd done in the shower too. He got up from the couch as she walked over to him, his arms wrapping around her frame and pulling her close to his chest.

"You never gave me the chance to say it back, you know?" he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "I love you too, bub. I have for a while now but I was too scared to say anything. Not gonna let that stop me now. I can scream it to the world if you want me to?" he nodded and looked down at her, smiling softly as he finally heard the quiet laugh he'd loved so much.

"Don't have to scream it to the world, just want you to hold me tonight. Maybe in the morning, we can both start yelling." she nodded, nuzzling her face in the crook of his neck and making it certain in Calum's mind that she was the one for him.

#calum hood imagine #5sos imagines #5sos blurbs #calum hood blurb #5sos one shot #calum hood one shot #calum hood #5sos #anon requested #gemma writes

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lnarizakis · 4 years ago

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SAM HIT 1K !

hey, everyone! a few days ago i hit 1k followers and i’m so excited to share with you all this news! it’s been six months of writing, posting, and making new friends, and i’ve recognized the results of all of my efforts. thank you to everyone who’s been with me on this journey, even if i met you in march, or just yesterday!

i acknowledge that in the past i’ve been selfish and self-conscious about that number, but everyday i’m grateful that i have a growing number of people who have my back, supporting me, even if it’s through a simple like or even an anonymous ask telling me they really enjoyed a particular work of mine.

and, with everything you do in life, you encounter people who will support you, make your life better, and just know how to help you up when you’ve fallen: friends. that being said, i want to write a letter to all the friends i’ve made on here since i don’t know when i’ll be able to get the next chance to . . .

TRIS , i remember seeing you appear in the comments of almost all of my posts and i just want to thank you personally for always supporting what i have. you don’t realize how much every little comment means to me, really! it always puts a smile on my face to see you comment something and it feels like i’ve accomplished something, so thank you. @tris-does-stuff

HANA , you really don’t know how happy you’ve made me when you told me you were a fan of mine. it just... shocked me? to know that i have people out there that genuinely support what i do? we only really started talking for a couple of days but i feel a strong connection between the two of us (it really may be our matching mbti types, too!) and i’m so glad to be able to call you my friend. you didn’t hear this from me, but i constantly look back at the #anon makes me happy tag and read through those anonymous messages you sent me. i love them (and you) very much! @wansseul

ELLIOT , i know you as one of my biggest supporters for coaches don’t play, and i find that really heartwarming to see that even after, what, two months since i’ve updated, you reblogged it with the tag #thank you for updating! ! i was so happy to see that, and you even proceeded to send in an ask about it afterwards too! i know we don’t really talk often—but i definitely think we should— but i know that you’re so incredibly sweet, especially after i was having that rough slump of mine i think last month. you were so kind to tell me that you’d always be here if i need to talk with someone, so thank you very much. i’m very grateful to have met you! @keiyoomi

JJ , hey, jj!!! i know we haven’t talked in a hot second, but look! i’ve reached 1k followers! i remember you were around during my coaches don’t play days, and that you always sent an ask after almost every update. sometimes i fiind myself looking back at them and smiling, knowing that you were enjoying what i wrote, so thank you very much! i want to say another thank you for being there for me when i was feeling really down in the dumps, and for taking the time out of your day to write me a message on discord. i’m so grateful that you did so, and i hope life treats you well. also! i began reading the great gatsby for school, so we should talk about it sometime hehehe. @kunimwuah

DOVE , aka uvogin anon, dovey lovey, my favorite inbox invader! i . honestly don’t know how we met. like one day u just appeared in my inbox and BAM ! we started talking! and i don’t regret every single thing i send into your inbox (even beany cock) . i always look forward to whenever you send things in my inbox and i really mean it when i say you’re my favorite inbox invader >:) it makes me so happy to see you active on tumblr and to see what you bring me everyday. i am very grateful you’re in my life, and i hope we continue to talk more and more! @fantasiesofdreams

SAL , i remember the first time i talked with you! you liked one of my posts and i was like oh she seems cool, i’m gonna follow her and congratulate her on 400 followers. and soon enough, we started tagging each other in those tag games and later we just grew closer and closer! i’m so happy that we got really close and it always brightens my day to see you on my dash; you never fail to put a smile on my face. thank you so much for being my friend and always being there when i need a good laugh! @sugaanoya

AI , ai, ai love you! i remember following you for your “be my boyfriend” series, and i hope it continues on your new blog (no promises, of course!). i also was there during your blank kita era, and it was honestly something that made me laugh out loud. i’m pretty sure i turned on notifications for you at that point because i was so invested with this drama. you’re just an insanely nice person whose kindness rivals your love for suna (or is it sakusa? your disloyalty, tsk... just kidding!!!). i know that we haven’t talked a whole lot lately but i will be sure to hop in your inbox and stay for a while some time soon. thank you so much for being my friend and i hope you stay happy and healthy! @wiintiier

KAI , aka caca wife! i remember when we started talking on rircus, and at first i didn’t really know who you were, until one fateful night when the conversation about caca happened. at that moment i knew we had similar senses of humor and i remember that i couldn’t stop laughing. it was the caca madness! if i’m being completely honest, i look up to you as a big sister that i’ve never had and i really appreciate you for that, so thank you for being in my life! @lcaita

NAOMI , aka newmie! i remember we first started talking in rircus and i want to thank you for welcoming me so kindly in the server, and especially during the first night we talked, which is when i had a problem and you helped me out immensely. i just want to say thank you for every time that you’ve helped me, talked to me, and made me feel better when i felt less than okay. i’m so glad that i’ve met you and i hope you accomplish great things in your life. @kuraomi

MICKIE , probably one of the only people on discord whose mesages i find myself laughing at a lot. you’re always brightening up the mood wherever you go, and i always find myself looking towards what you have to say today. thanks for that! i also think about that (may i say, really funny) exchange between the two of us on here when you went: “oh god i can’t believe HE’S almost dead ahhh” and i have no idea who you were talking about so i went “omg it’s sero,” and you went on this LONG RANT and it was just so funny to me!!! thanks for always putting a smile on my face. and also! thank you so, so much for suggesting that i get curtain bangs, a decision i really don’t regret! i was afraid i was going to hate them, but i find myself looking in the mirror a lot and thinking: “wow, that is a whole different person.” in a good way! so thank you very much. @tokyoghoose

GERE , aka my ex-wife... sorry about that :( . i never got to say sorry for that but the caca bond runs strong, i hope you understand. i just want you to know how much of a kind person you are, and especially how welcoming you are, too. i was so glad to be welcomed so kindly in your server and it’s become one of my favorites to talk in. i also want you to know, that especially with current times, that things will get better and i’m so glad you’re staying positive with everything going on recently. i love you for you, please remember that!!! @t-amajiki

ISSA , omg, girly pop. hahahaha!!! issa, you’re such a genuine person and i remember meeting you for the first time on rircus. you welcomed me with open arms and you were just the kindest person i met on there. you’re someone who’s just so beautiful inside and out, and the way you’re so large and in charge with your feelings is something i really admire about you. i know we don’t talk so often, but i hope we do. i want to thank you for being my friend, and especially always making me laugh! i love you very much, issa! @indigohitoshi

KYLIE , kylie!!!! the co-founder of our son, iwaizumi hajime. this was literally peak popularity and i knew i was never to get as many notifications as i did in that moment. of everyone i could have shared the account with, i am so glad that i was able to do it with you because we were able to grow closer because of that. now we have this weird inside joke that our son gets mad cooch, and that every day we must think of in another life. where are the daily in another life tiktoks??? of course, our son isn’t the only thing i associate with you. you’re such a kind, hilarious, and genuine person, and to be honest, sometimes i really worry for your wellbeing. get some more sleep, kyl!!! you deserve it. i want you to be grucchi, not tired and wanting to die. thank you so, so much for being my friend, and i am so happy that i met you! @peppermintkiddo

TO, LIKE, EVERYONE FROM RIRCUS , the best people i could ever meet. i’m sorry i couldn’t write an individual letter to all of you, since we haven’t interacted so often for me to pick out one specific memory that i could hold and cherish, but know that every time i come on rircus and talk with you, it is a moment that i will always remember! thank you so much for being my friends and i love you all so, so incredibly much. @kaoyuuuuu @reogou @haikyuu-but-low-iq @yooooooooooomi @samdwich @kenmauwus @shirasusgf @macaronnv @king-kawa

TO EVERYONE THAT CONSTANTLY LIKES, REBLOGS, OR COMMENTS ON MY WORK , you know who you are. i know who you are. i can literally tag you right now. but i think i’ll prefer to keep the anonymity. thank you so much for sharing my work, giving me feedback, and everything. it mean so much to me, especially if there’s a comment attached to the reblog. you make me do a little happy dance!!! i love you so much for what you do and i hope you continue to support me in every way possible!

FOR PEOPLE THAT I MISS/PROBABLY WON’T READ THIS

MEL , hi mel! i’m not very sure if you will read this, but i am so happy that i met you and that we began talking. i remember we began talking after i asked for people to send in memes for that meme war against my sister. i told you i won, right? well, i did. ahhaha anyways, i am very sad that we sort of grew apart and i hope that we can begin talking again soon. you were the highlight of my spring semester. i enjoyed talking with you so much. but i hope that you and your family are currently doing well and that you stay happy and healthy! i miss you very much, melon, thank you for being a part of my life!

RAENAH , hi rae! i think meeting you was a blessing, to be honest. i can’t remember a time when i was utterly annoyed by your presence, nor was i ever mad with you. you are such a kind person with such a pure heart, and during your time on tumblr you really showcased it for everyone to see. you were literally with me from literally the very beginning, during the “my name is...” days, and all i can say is that i am blessed to have met you! thank you so much for lighting up my life, talking to me whenever you made the time, and especially playing minecraft with me. it was so fun, even if it was for a short while. i hope you had as much fun as i had! again, thank you so much for supporting, befriending, and getting to know me because i will never forget you on tumblr dot com. i hope you stay well and make sure you rest often, especially with uni! @a-kaashi

MIYU , where has miyu gone? just kidding. i know you’re there. i hope you read this because i don’t want to tag your new blog. anyways, i just want you to know you make my dash ten times better. it’s literally so boring without you spicing it up, with you talking with anons and your mutuals. i definitely think i should invade your inbox more, what do you think? when i was starting on tumblr, you were a very big inspiration to me and i am very proud of all the works you write. you still are someone i look up to as a writer, because you have such a creative spirit and it makes me so happy you’re able to showcase it for everyone to see. i hope you are staying healthy and well right now, and thank you so much for being my friend!

GIGI , poop. i genuinely miss you very much, but i know that school takes a priority for you. i hope you’re doing well with your classes and that you find the man of your dreams. hopefully it is not the skater boy because you deserve someone as insanely hot as kurapika. no cap. i remember during my chrollo pfp guy craze you were there to deter me away from liking him, but let me just tell you, we’re getting closer tbh. ;) . just kidding, we really aren’t, but we’ve been talking quite a bit. i also want to tell you that you’re someone who’s made me smile with everything you say, and i find myself sometimes typing the way you do. you’re an influence, gigi! please stay happy and healthy and make sure you get lots of rest during your time at school! @gigiwrite

MARS , best for last, am i right? i’m not really sure when i first saw you on my blog, but i remember you’ve been here for a very, very long time. i think it was back in july when we first started talking. you were 🦊 anon, and it made me so happy to read that you felt comfortable enough to reveal yourself! from there, i knew we had a bond from the way we interacted with one another. you’re just such a kind person and you show that to everyone you meet. it’s a quality i wish i had in myself and i really look up to you for your genuinity. sometimes i feel like i don’t thank you enough for how kind you are to me, but just know that with every time i talk i’m always grateful that you’re in my life and that i’ve met you. i know you’re someone i can always lean on and i hope you see me the same. thank you so much for being in my life; you’re someone who means a lot to me. @maru5hka

TO BASICALLY EVERYONE HERE

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 1K!!!! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. i am so grateful for each and every one of you; you guys are so hot and sexy. i am so grateful to have met you all, even if it was just a simple “you’re added to the taglist!” or a “thank you so much!” i count it as you being my friend and you interacting with me. you guys aren’t my followers; you’re my friends. thank you so much for being my friend and being here for all of my weird shenanigans i have up my sleeve, whether it be my meme war against my sister, my obsession for blue lock, and my huge crush on chrollo pfp guy. well, here’s to me for being sappy and here’s to many more!

#sam’s 1k party #no im not doing anything i just wanted to give it a label #discord server maybe

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sebspocketsquare · 5 years ago

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Quarantine 5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (online)

A/N: Heya guys! Here’s part 5, sorry it’s been a little bit. I had some trouble with this one because I really just wanted to get to part 6 LOL. Anyway, i hope you enjoy it! -T

Warnings: Flirting, language, quarantine, feels, fluff

The next morning, a string of texts wakes you.

It’s J, letting you know his friend will be by in a couple of hours to install your security system and bring by groceries.

He tells you to double check who’s on the other side of the door before opening it, and informs you that his friend's name is Sam.

Seems simple enough.

You get dressed, deciding to wear something a little nicer than the pajamas you’d been wearing lately. Makeup finds its way to your face and you even manage to brush your hair.

You could at least make yourself look human today, especially since you didn’t know how good of friends J and Sam were.. what if he went right back and told J you looked like you hadn’t bathed in weeks?

That wouldn’t be good for your blossoming relationship…. friendship? Whatever it was.

You’re getting yourself a glass of water when someone knocks at your door.

The couch had been moved back to its original position, and you look through the spyhole on your door to find a man standing there in a doctors mask with a backpack and bags of groceries in hand.

“Can I help you?” You ask through the door.

He makes eye contact with you through the spyhole. “I’m Sam, J’s friend. I’m here to install the security system for you?”

That was convincing enough for you. Opening the door, you offer a small smile. “Hi.. I’m uh.. I’m Clair.”

You can’t tell if he’s smiling through the mask, but he makes his way inside and sets the bags on the floor.

“You mind if I take this off now? I promise I’m not sick.” He motions to the mask and you laugh softly. “No, go ahead. It’s fine. Just uh.. Stay six feet away.”

He removes his mask with a sigh of relief before flashing a pearly smile at you, “I’m Sam. Nice to officially meet you.” He looks familiar for a split second, but you convince yourself you’re merely imagining it.

Sam gets right to work with the install, and you take that time to put away the food and wine he’s brought. It’s too much for just you, it’ll last you months, but with everything that’s going on, you don’t know if you’ll even be ready to leave the house again anytime soon.

You make sure to shoot J a text telling him thank you.

Sam puts a device on each window and in each doorway of your apartment. A keypad is put right by your front door, and a panic button right beside your bed. He helps you set up a 4 digit pin that you’ll need to enter any time you come or go, and shows you how to set the alarm when you go to sleep at night. It’s so simple, but so secure.

J was right. It made you feel better. Safer.

Once everything is completely set up, he pulls a piece of paper from his back pocket and hands it to you. It’s an order form. For your computer and television. You’d made the decision to not let him replace your tablet. He was already doing too much.

“Oh..” is all you can manage to say as you look it over.

Sam chuckles in return, “He um.. he really cares about you, you know..”

Meeting his eyes, you risk asking him a personal question, “What’s your opinion in all of this..? How he feels about me?”

He looks taken back for a moment, but smiles fondly before he answers. “I’ve known him for awhile now, and.. He’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him when he’s talking to you.”

You can’t help but smile at that knowledge.

“And Clair?”

You meet his gaze one more time.

“I know it’s probably weird for you, that he wants to take care of all of this for you, but.. let him. He’s a good man. He doesn’t have any ulterior motives. He just.. when he cares about someone, he’s all in.”

Your heart warms at his words and you nod slowly.

He smiles again before picking up his backpack and heading for the door.

“Hey Sam?”

He turns to you just before he’s out the door.

“Tell J I said hi.”

He chuckles and shakes his head, “Will do… and don’t tell him what I said about him being a good man and all that… he’ll never let me live it down.”

HIM

I know as soon as the system is installed because a crude outline of her apartment appears on my computer screen.

I set alerts to let me know anytime someone approaches the vicinity, when she leaves and when she sets the alarm for the evening. If she presses the panic button, it alerts the authorities first and then me.

I have to take every precaution to keep her safe.

I’m closing the window on my computer when Sam returns home. I hear him kick his shoes off and set his bag down before heading straight for the shower. He pokes his head in my room on his way there. “System is installed, also.. damn she is way out of your league.”

His observation makes my heart rate increase. “Wait, what? What does that mean?”

He laughs and shakes his head, leaving it at that as he continues on his way.

I find myself suddenly jealous that he’s gotten to see her with his own eyes and I haven’t.

“You could at least describe her for me!” I call after him, to which he just cackles.

My best friend is an asshole.

HER

You’re sitting on the couch watching random videos on your phone when a new message comes through from J.

[Sarge:] Everything go smooth? :)

You’re sure he already knows the answer, and you’re positive that Sam already told him all about you, but you decide to humor him anyway.

[clairv0yant:] Yes. :) Thank you again for everything.. I really appreciate you. I checked the tracking on the form that he gave me and everything should be here by the end of next week.

[Sarge:] Doll, I promise you don’t have to thank me. I’m happy to be able to help you out. :)

[Sarge:] It will be strange not gaming with you every night for a while, but.. We’ll just have to find another way to spend time together.

His words only cause the smile on your face to grow. He’s so sweet. So considerate. So genuine and unfathomably selfless. You weren’t sure what you’d done to earn the affections of such an amazing person.

[Sarge:] By that I mean.. expect phone calls every night ;)

[clairv0yant:] That sounds perfect to me. :P

xxx

You spent more time on the phone with J over the next week and a half than you’d ever spent in your life. Constantly exchanging texts and making phone calls, but never once asking the other for a photo. Not that you weren’t curious, because you surely were, but you were afraid of what he expected you to be like. Did he already have an image of you in his head? An ideal Clair?

You’d tried to picture him several times, but failed at each attempt. He still remained a mystery to you.

When your new tech finally arrives, you nearly jump out of your skin with joy. You make sure to lysol the holy hell out of the shipping boxes before touching them, and once the product inside is removed and placed in the safety of your apartment, the useless cardboard goes into the recycle bin outside.

It takes you an hour and 45 minutes to get everything set up, but of course as soon as you’ve finished, J is insistent about playing.

It’d been so long, there was no way you were denying him.

You missed it just as much as he did.

“You know what I miss most?” You speak into your mic, keeping your eyes trained on the battle scene happening on the screen before you.

J hums a soft, “hmmm?” in response, trying to keep his focus too.

“Mexican food.”

He can’t help but let out a bark of laughter, obviously shocked at your most missed thing while locked away.

“Mexican food? Really?”

It’s your turn to hum a soft, “Mmmhm”.

He’s quiet for a few moments except for the sound of his keyboard clacking as he fights, determined to win this round.

When the word Victory appears on your screen, he speaks again.

“You know I um..” He pauses, and you can feel his anxiety seeping through the internet connection. “Nevermind, heh..”

“What is it?” The first emotion you feel is concern. What could he not feel comfortable telling you?

“Promise you won’t just laugh at me?”

That’s a promise you know you’ll be able to keep. “Of course, J. What’s up?”

There's a bit of silence on his end, and then you swear you hear his adam's apple bob in his throat in a gulp for courage. “When all of this is over, I.. I’d really like to take you out on a date..”

You’re stunned into silence, thankful that a new game has yet to start.

He must take the quiet as a negative response, because he immediately backtracks.

“I-I mean, that’s stupid right? You wouldn’t go on a date with some guy you met online.. Hell, I could be some cree--”

“I would love to.” You cut him off before he can ramble on too much.

“You-really?” You can hear the smile in his voice and it brings an even bigger smile to yours.

“But only if it’s mexican food.”

He lets out a soft chuckle, the rumbling of the sound making your heart flutter.

“I wish..” He stops himself again, letting out a little sigh, “I wish I knew when that would be though.. When all of this will be over.. I just.. I really want to spend time with you, Clair.”

A new match begins in the game, but you’re so distracted by his confession that you almost miss your window to pick your character.

“We’re spending time together right now, aren’t we?” You joke, but there’s a falter to your voice, a doubt. You know what he really means.

“You know what I mean, I.. I want to be there, with you.”

It’s your turn to exhale a sigh.

“I know what you mean..” A funny image comes to your head, and you find it slipping from your tongue before you can stop yourself. “What would a quarantine date consist of anyway? You sitting on the opposite side of my front door drinking beer, while I sit inside drinking wine?”

He’s silent.

Not even a laugh.

It’s a whole two minutes before he speaks again.

“You know.. That could work.”

TAGS: (I wasnt sure who to tag, so if you dont want to be, I’m sorry!! Just trying to get this out there. ALSO if you wanna be tagged INBOX ME! I tend to miss people in the notes :( ). @mindingmyownbusiness @plumfondler @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @loricameback @tinaferraldo @geminimoonbeamx @preserumsteverogers @moderapoppins @lowkeysebby @buckyshattergirl @jayattemptstoruletheworld @the-observant-fangirl @moondancewrites @moonbeambucky @trinityjadec @stevieang @bionic-buckyb @eyecandybarnes @propertyofpoeandbucky @promarvelfangirl @ballyhoobarnes @bucky-plums-barnes @cate-lynne @witchymarvelspacecase @imaginingbucky @theimpossibleg1rl @babygurl8840 @wonderlandmind4 @buckysthing @formulafun @curvybihufflepuff @fanficsformarvelkillme @shadyskit @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @reading–mermaid @fuckmestan @siliverin @verygraphicink @sallyp-53 @thatsbucknasty @steadyphantomcat @booktease21 @kiki5283 @lostinspace33 @drayshadow @theperditioncrasher @mmyepic @feelmyroarrrr@alien-beans @heartsaved @sideeffectsofyou @dreamingofonceuponatime @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @bluerorjhan @tarynsnotokay @jamdropx35 @turquoisekokiri @pinknerdpanda @starkrobb @marvelgirl7 @unscriptedtimetraveler @fangeekkk @wonderlandmind4 @pinkisokay @mrsdaamneron @rynabarnesrogers @wish-i-had-something-better @stanning-seb-stan @oilersgirl35 @vaisabu @paranoid-borderline-insane @bonkywobble @vikki-rogue @witchymegg @a--1--1--3 @margetastic33 @stuffandstuff-stuff

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #online au #quarantine #sebspocetsquare #sometimes i write #series #bucky barnes

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welcome-to-green-hills · 4 years ago

Note

I’m sorry for bothering you this way, I just happened to see your ‘words of encouragement ask’ and was hoping this is maybe somewhere I could vent, even if it’s just to the void. I... am afraid to let anyone in. Ever. I get attached to people too quickly, like only after a few interactions, but I’m so afraid of rejection that I don’t reach out to try and deepen the connection at all. All my friendships are surface level, I never talk anything serious with anyone even when I really want to. (1/?)

I see you.

I hear you.

You are not bothering me.

This will not go unseen.

You , your entirety, is seen here.

I see you.

I am proud of you.

You are wonderful.

——————————(❤️❤️❤️)——————————

I do not mean to make this all about me when I express what I feel deep down. Just know... I know what you feel. I, too have been afraid to open up in the past. I, too, have felt that I—in no way nor how—should be worthy a sliver of a time of some. To be acknowledged. To be seen. To be loved. To be the mere thought of a person in passing.

Who would care?

Why would anyone want care?

When I received these messages in my inbox, I cried. I’m still a bit teary-eyed writing a response to this. It’s just me relating to you deep down, my own struggles that I have had in the past. I know exactly what you are thinking and feeling deep down. Those feelings of, “not being good enough” or “I am unworthy” are many, many things that I have had echoe in my mind for years. That I do not matter.

I know now that it’s not true.

When I was a kid, I remember having the ones that I dared to love get up and walk away. It was too much for them to love, they had to get up and walk away. If something didn’t click in their head, they were quick to take it out on others. I remember the day my father ran away. The very parental figure that I thought I needed to love told me flat out, “I like you, but this wasn’t what I wanted. It was a nice idea.” I wasn’t enough for him to be satisfied. He packed up his stuff—I was forced to help him pack up—told me not to tell my mom where he was running off to, then he drove away. This was on my ninth birthday. He took off North. I remember thinking that I didn’t make him happy. I wasn’t what he imagined.

My father wasn’t a man. He was something else. When he was around, he made everyone sick mentally and physically. He was quick to suck the very color out of anyone around him in order to feel good about himself. He was quick to judge and he was hurtful with feelings, as well as lie. When he left, I learned two things; who my people were and who I did not want to be when I was an adult. I could breathe again.

I will admit, it hurt to left people in, yes, but view it as this: these are examples given to you spiritually in who and what you aspire to be in life.

When I was a kid, I remember searching for answers on why I couldn’t connect with kids in class. I was afraid to interact with kids my own age. I was afraid to interact because I thought that they would not accept me as well. I didn’t have many friendships in the past as well, I had a speech impediment, as well as a hearing problem. I also have ASD. In the past, I’ve been told that I was very, very smart. However, since I needed more attention due to the past, not many gave me a chance. I’ve been told many times in the past that I’m too smart for them, that I’ve needed to dumb down more in order to be accepted from people. If I ever wanted to be something with people, I had to be something that I couldn’t.

Many famous celebrities and historical individuals have come out to say that they have a disability and/or heavily theorized to have a disability. You would not believe how many people have one and they’ve made revolutionary changes for the greater good. Look it up.

It hurt hearing friends—now they’re more like acquaintances—that I had to be a completely different person that I was. Something that I couldn’t be. I’ve been picked on before with troubled speech, with hearing problems, as well as coming from a single-parent background. To hear that if I wanted to be like them I had to be dumber, it felt wrong. Wouldn’t you want to be surrounded by people who want to help build you up?

If I was to be picked on and ridiculed for having a higher intelligence and skills than them, then why would I want to surround myself with them? That taught me three things; intelligence is only mocked by those that are not taught the value of it, friends should be the ones to build you up and not tear you down, ASD—Autism Spectrum Disorder—has been my “superhero power.” I love puzzles and patterns, it comes naturally to me. I’ve learned how to use that disability to my advantage. While they were still in Intensive classes, I was taking honors and getting awards for my work. Later on in life I’ve found a few friends along my journey that have loved and accepted me for who I am. They accept my luggages, my quirks, my entirety. They do not care because they see Me.

The moral here; it is okay to surround yourself with other people that want to build you up.

When I was younger and ready to go to college, I was accepted into one of the hardest schools to get into. It was a baby IVY League school, kinda like if IVY League school had its own “community college,” that’s what it would be. I was given a change to go to a school that I’ve always wanted to go to. The acceptance letter came, but I didn’t get farther than the entrance. I was sat down and made fun of for coming from a background with a low-income, as well as a learning disability. Forget about all of the hard work I’ve done in high school, forget the ridiculously high IQ—which I find ludicrous to even calculate with in life, forget about the science awards and the experience that I’ve had in life. I was told that my kind was never to be accepted.

I’ve been told that I was sub-par and that I would always be a behavioral problem with autism and no money. I would never amount for anything and that I needed to stop while I was ahead. I wasn’t going to get anywhere.

That was two years ago.

I now attend The University of Florida—one of the hardest schools to get into because it’s considered public IVY League—and I do summer classes at Yale. I’ve received a scholarship to attend both schools to get my degrees in Art History and in Anthropology. I have people looking at my work all the time and asking me questions. That’s a huge fucking accomplishment.

I didn’t get as far as I did accepting it, I just gave life the middle finger and kept on going.

I have more to my story, but this is just me scratching the surface of my life. I promise I have a point to this...

——————————(❤️❤️❤️)——————————

The past is not what should define you, the actions and experiences of what you go through now should me. You are still Becoming. You are a work of art that is still being mastered.

I am so, so proud of you for telling me what you think and feel inside. It was scary, but you did it. That is courage at it’s finest.

I will be the first person to tell you that being up to people is hella hard. Those experiences in the past reflect and scratch at the back of your mind, telling you that this will happen again. In the past, I have loved people before and they’ve vanished before my eyes. If then vanish, it is not because of you, it is because they do not know how to process it in their heart and in their mind. To repeat, it is not your fault. Most people need to take time to understandably things are the way they are. If they ignore you, then they are not worth Your time. Soon you will find the people that matter most to you, it just clicks.

You’ll find your missing piece once when the assurance of worthiness settles in your mind.

You, my dear and wonderful person, are worthy of wanting more.

You are worthy of having more.

You are allowed to Be more.

Take this time from past interactions to have a conversation with yourself on who and what you want to be. Who are you deep down? When can I meet her, him, them, it, xem, (f)aer, em, or hir? I can’t wait to meet You.

My blog is called “Welcome to Green Hills” for a reason. It welcomes in many so they can find that chance to be who and what they are. This blog is meant to help build you up and show you that you can be more. There is no greater force on this Earth more than you. I make it a point to tell everyone that I see them and that I hear them because I want to know that they are real.

You are here, you exist!

I see you.

I want you to know another thing; it is okay to care for people. Your emotions do not make you weak, it is of those who do not understand their own that makes them weak. Having emotion is what makes you human. It’s what helps you grow and become wiser. You start to look at possibilities that you’ve never known could exists in life. You can learn something new about yourself that you may have never noticed on your own. The people that you interact with in life can influence you. I’m speaking from my own experience.

I don’t know everyone’s experiences, I don’t know everyone’s story. I know my story. I know where I come from and what I want to be. I’ve worked hard to become a better version of myself. You are allowed, and worthy, of being loved, accepted, and seen.

We love to punish ourselves and think that we accept very little of what we are given in life. Human being unconsciously love to accept little to no value for themselves because they look to what other have told them. I know that this is a hard concept to hold firmly in your heart at the moment, but I want you to know that what others tell you is not true. You are allowed love and happiness. You are allowed to have worth. I promise. Start to think in terms of “I can” rather than “I can’t.” Start thinking in terms of “I am” rather than “I’m not.” You are allowed to be more. If people keep tearing you down, even with that feeling of lying on the ground feels fine, get back up. There will be people in life that want to push you down, and I will tell you, get back up and hold your head up high. There’s always another way, that’s the glory of the Universe.

You have worth.

You have value.

And you matter.

Stay safe, my friend.

#mystery anon #off topic #(Hugs)#I see you #I hear you #I’m happy that you’re here #positivity

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jiminsheart · 5 years ago

Text

Bittersweet Smiles | KTH

from this prompt list | masterlist

requested: yes | no

prompt: 1 + 8 w/ taehyung

“We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.” + “Why are you so jealous?”

genre: angst, best friends to lovers

words: 2155

warnings: slight swearing, Taehyung and oc being dumb, Tae’s kind of a playboy, some mature themes?

a/n: okay, so you all probably know by now how much i love taehyung. i’m also such a sucker for angsty best friend aus, so this was so much fun to write and ended up way longer than intended. special thanks to the anon who requested this, hope you like it! and as always, my inbox is open for requests, messages, and feedback :)

Loud crunching filled your ears, and you tried to ignore it as you continued to work on your essay. The crinkling of plastic wrap only continued on, distracting you from the words in front of you.

Getting more annoyed, you put your earphones on, turning the volume all the way up to drown out the noise. It worked for a few minutes, but eventually the sound of that god-awful crunching made its way through your music causing you to groan.

Tugging the earphones out, you glared at your best friend sitting across the table. “Taehyung, this is a library. Could you please put that away or go somewhere else?”

The boy only raised his eyebrows at you before continuing to munch on his chips. “Sorry, no can do, sweetheart,” he said around a mouth full of chips. “You know eating helps me focus.”

Scrunching your nose, you turned away. “That’s disgusting. Close your mouth, weirdo.”

Taehyung winked at you before sending a kiss your way. “Shut up, you know you love me.”

Feigning annoyance, you ducked your head back down to hide the blush blooming on your face. In love. With your best friend. Oh, man, if only he knew.

It wasn’t like you wanted to fall in love with Taehyung – in fact, it was the complete opposite. Your best friend is, for lack of a better word, a playboy. A girl already on his arm and flashing smirks at another before the end of the week, you could never keep up with girlfriends. You’d say you felt bad for the girls he went out with, but with his sharp jaw, teasing eyes, and that damn mouth of his, it wasn’t hard to imagine what they saw in him.

Though, you really wished you didn’t.

It’s been almost a year since your feelings for him started, and they only grew bigger every time he flashed you that wide smile of his. It’d been after a long night of studying, eyes drooping, but Taehyung always knew how to cheer you up and keep you on track.

And maybe it was the haze of sleepiness making you feel things that normally wouldn’t have caught your attention, but you couldn’t help to admire how his brows furrowed as he tried to solve the practice problem in front of him. The way he lightly bit his lip in concentration, or how he tilted his head to the side in thought, exposing his strong jawline.

But when he glanced up at you and gave you his signature boxy smile, eyes glimmering, you knew you were done for. Added to the list of all the other girls falling for his damned charms.

Your hands nervously fidgeted with the bottom of your dress as you stared at yourself in the mirror. Hair falling down around your shoulders, dark eye makeup and red lipstick, you looked completely different from just a few hours ago. The neckline of the black dress you wore dipped down to show off supple breasts with a hemline shorter than what you’d normally wear, but maybe being a little more flashy than usual might be just what you needed.

Taehyung’s friend had invited you both to a party tonight to celebrate the end of finals week, and to both their surprise, you’d actually agreed this time. You’d always declined, not wanting to deal with the smell of booze and sweat or the pounding hangover the next morning. But with finals over and no exam in sight, it was the perfect time to have some fun.

Feeling confident and ready for the night, you walked out into the living room where Taehyung sat on the couch, playing with his phone. Like the kind, loving, and not at all impatient best friend that he is, he had waited for you to finish getting ready when he walked in on time and you were still figuring out what to wear. And he had only yelled at you to hurry up a few times.

He stood up as he heard you exit the room, ready to head over to the door, but paused when he caught sight of you.

You grinned, holding your arms out and doing a little spin. “Do I look good?”

Taehyung stood there quietly for a moment, mouth slightly ajar, and you took this time to look over his outfit. His hair was parted to the side, and he wore a dark button up shirt with the top unbuttoned, giving you a full view of his long neck and protruding collarbones. He had it tucked into his black skinny jeans, and you tried not to stare at how thick his thighs looked in them.

Glancing back up, you waved your arms, trying to get your best friend’s attention back. “Tae?”

He finally seemed to snap out of it, raising a brow at you and motioning at your clothes. “You’re going like that?”

Slightly taken aback, you raised an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, why? Does it look bad?”

“No, it’s not that!” Taehyung stumbled over his words, not wanting to offend you. “It’s just… a little much, don’t you think?”

With all the effort put into dressing up, you’d hoped he’d at least comment on how good you looked. His words stung, and so you lashed out. “A little much?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, he replied, “I just mean, you normally hate parties and just stay to the side, so it might get you more attention than you’re looking for.”

“Oh, so now I’m uptight?”

You don’t know why you’re being so defensive at his words. Normally, you’d brush off the way he’d tease you for being so focused on school, so why was this any different?

Maybe today, just today, you were hoping he’d finally notice you and not one of those other girls that’d be fawning all over him at the party.

“You’re my best friend y/n, all I’m saying is that you…“ He trailed off, unsure of what to say. “I’m just being a good friend and looking out for you.”

Right. Just a good friend.

You waved your arms in the air above you, dancing along to the beat of the music. Hands came up from behind and rested on your hips, pulling out a smile as he moved along with your body. Just what you needed to complete the night.

After your fight with Taehyung, the two of you made your way to the party in silence, promptly leaving him behind as soon as your feet crossed the front entrance. You were afraid the party would be too packed for you to enjoy it, but the stress faded away as the haze of alcohol took over your senses.

Grinding back on the guy, you tilted your head back and let it rest on his shoulder, reveling in the feeling. It’d been so long since a guy had paid you any attention, and even longer since you’d reciprocated. With exams being done, it felt nice to finally let loose and have a little fun for once.

And you can do it without your dumb best friend too.

Across the room, you were unaware of dark eyes running over your figure, sending daggers over to the guy with his hips just a little too close to you for his comfort. He took a sip of his drink as he leaned back on the wall, not even pretending like he was paying attention to the girl at his side desperately trying to keep him interested.

He might’ve been a little too harsh on you earlier, he admits, but he knows that the party scene wasn’t what you were into. You preferred quiet nights in, sitting on the couch watching a movie, finishing up a pizza and complaining about how the logic just doesn’t make sense. The music here was too loud, too upbeat, hands too grabby for your taste.

At least, that’s what he told himself when he saw you walk out of your room in that tight little dress that made him think thoughts too unholy for his best friend. And it definitely wasn’t because he hated the idea of other guys seeing you like this. Of other guys being able to touch you like this when he couldn’t.

So, the words slipped out before he could stop himself.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t like you, but these days it seemed like all he could do was lie. Lie to the girls he went out with about how much he cared for them, lie to himself that his feelings for you were merely that of a best friend. But most importantly, he felt his heart break a little every time he lied straight to your face as the words best friend left his mouth when all he wanted was something more.

And now he drowned out the bitter feeling on his tongue and filled the void in his heart with the taste of alcohol.

When Taehyung couldn’t stand the sight of you with that guy’s hands running up and down your body any longer, the sly smirks you’d flash him every now and then, he pushed himself off the wall, ignoring the girl’s protests. He marched straight up to you, grabbing hold of your wrist and dragging you down the hall, not even sparing the guy a glance.

He didn’t look at you once as he pulled you behind him, not even noticing your attempts to free yourself from his grip. Once the sound of music faded away, he stopped, causing you to bump straight into his back.

As he turned, you finally pushed his hand off, glaring up at him. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? I should be asking you that!” He waved back to the direction of the party. “You’ve been ignoring me all night, and now you’re all up on that random guy!”

You frowned at his words. First he says you’re too uptight, now you’re having too much fun? “Why are you so jealous?”

“Jealous?” he scoffed. “You’re just out there, dancing on whichever guy decides to give you attention like it’s nothing!”

“Why do you care?” you snapped. “I thought you’d be happy I was letting loose and having fun for once, Taehyung.”

You made to move past him, but Taehyung shoved your shoulder, pushing you back up against the wall. He placed his arms on either side of your head, caging you in. He tilted his head down, nose brushing yours.

“Cut the crap, y/n. Don’t act like I didn’t catch you looking at me when you had that guy’s hands all over you.” His growl rumbled low, leaving you weak in the knees, but you forced yourself to ignore it. He’d been acting like a brat all night, glaring at anyone that tried to talk to you, and you’d be damned if he ruined the fun.

You looked him right in the eyes, making sure to drive the point in. “Well, you said it yourself, right? We’re such good friends.” Poking his chest, you tried to keep your voice steady. “So why don’t you just go back over to that girl you were talking to and leave. Me. The hell. Alone.” You emphasized each word with a sharp jab to his chest.

Taehyung grabbed your hand and pinned it above your head, moving closer to you so that his chest was pressed right up against yours. “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

His hot breath fanned over your face, so you closed your eyes and tilted your head back, trying to get away from the heat building up. This new angle exposed your neck even more to Taehyung, and you gasped as you felt his nose run along the length of it.

“Tell me you didn’t wish it was me behind you, y/n,” he whispered into your skin. One of his hands fell to your hip, gripping tightly, making you whimper at the contrast of his rough action to his soft voice.

“Tell me you didn’t wish it was my hands on your body.” Taehyung’s nose brushed your jaw just below your ear, your mouth opening slightly at the touch.

He pulled back, grabbing your chin with his other hand and forcing you to look into his eyes. “Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you, y/n.”

You gulped, trying to clear your dry mouth. His mouth was so close, a little bit higher and his lips would be right on yours. “I can’t.”

“Hmm?” he hummed, tilting his head to the side. “Tell me what you want, then.”

“I want-“ you cut off, too embarrassed to say it out loud.

Taehyung’s thumb rubbed gently at you chin, urging you forward. “Go on, tell me. What are best friends for, hm?”

Fuck it, you thought, alcohol buzzing through you. It’s now or never.

“Kiss me, Tae.”

#taehyung angst #bts scenarios #bts angst #v #bts prompts #bts imagines #mine

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mercurygray · 4 years ago

Text

It turns out when you reblog things late at night, like sketches of mermaids, you get nice messages in your inbox like this one:

@junojelli Because I am a terrible enabler of AUs, Joan as a mermaid of Zell Lake *runs away*

How much damage can Merc do on this prompt with two uninterrupted hours of time? A lot, it turns out.

A mermaid found a swimming lad, Picked him for her own, Pressed her body to his body, Laughed; and plunging down Forgot in cruel happiness That even lovers drown.

- William Butler Yeats

The locals say there are mermaids in the lake.

Have been for centuries - it used to be quite a tourist attraction in the seventeen-hundreds, coming to see the mermaids of Zell am See. It was part of the grand tour, almost like the haunted castles of France and the vampyrs of Romania and buying art in Italy. Very fashionable, to come and sketch them, or write poetry about them, or, better still, start an affair, which was extremely en vogue for a little while. There's probably a great deal of very nice jewelry at the bottom of that lake - but then, no one's tried to dive for it.

Mermaids, they say, can be very possessive.

But then the Enlightenment happened, and the Scientific Revolution after that, and several other revolutions meant there wasn't quite as much ready money for long, protracted trips through Europe for the idle rich, and a deal fewer idle rich to take them, and these sorts of quaint customs sort of fell out of fashion. It had been temporarily revived for a bit in the late 1870s by the arrival of the Americans, who, in their usual way, gave it new life by changing it and making it a thing for young women rather than young men, to go to the mountain lake at Zell am See as a stop on their own Grand Tours, the headstrong Buccaneers ready to trade American cold hard cash and good looks for European panache and husbands with titles.

That was the first American incursion into Austria. This, however, is the second, and it comes not in a four-in-hand coach but a four-wheel drive truck.

Magical creatures aren't totally new news to the Americans - there are all kinds of magical sorts floating around the greater 48. Winters reads the security memorandum from the Battalion S2 who's replaced Nixon, shakes his head, and passes the word down to Lieutenant Lipton: "Don't let Malarkey go near the lake."

That's the fear they have, the stories they've all been raised on, of the sirens who would have dragged Ulysses down to the depths of the sea with their songs. Their long wandering through this war is almost over - they're almost home! Be a shame to survive the damn war and lose their men to mermaids. Malarkey's been a man on the edge since Bastogne, for good reasons, and of all the men under his command, Dick Winters is afraid particularly that once happy-go-lucky Don from Astoria, Oregon, will hear something in that lake that will keep him underneath forever.

He's right - but not in the way he thinks.

One morning, Don is down by the lake sitting on the pier, and in the water next to him, bold as brass, is a lovely looking lady with dark hair, winsome eyes, and a tail like the better class of rainbow trout, dappled and flashing. And they're just...talking. She doesn't seem particularly interested in dragging anyone under the lake - but she is drinking in the story of Don's war.

(The mermaids, it turns out, speak excellent English - all those tourist Buccaneers and their maiden aunts! Sounds a little like your grandmother, but it works.)

Lipton observes for a while and decides to leave the man there. By dinnertime, Don comes back in looking like a changed man - there's an actual spring in his step. That's the magic of the mermaids of Zell Am See - they'll steal your cares away in the best way possible.

After Malarkey's surprising discovery, it's hard to keep the men away from the lake. There are a few familiar faces now, though none of them are bold enough to leave a name. (The locals say that's expected. If you know a mermaid's name, you could compel her to leave the lake.) And here, on the side of a lake in Austria, Easy Company slowly processes their war. Lewis spends a lot of time talking with Malarkey's mermaid, whom they are calling Eileen after a girl Malarkey went to school with. Dick privately thinks that this is a good thing - Lewis is processing a lot more than just his war.

When Dick finally goes down to the lake, it's not to talk. He goes early in the morning, just after the sun comes up. He's tired of running and calisthenics. He wants to swim, and the usual suspects are not at the pier yet. (Sometimes they're out early in the morning like seals in the zoo, doing each others' hair and giggling in the way girls everywhere do when they're assembled in large groups.)

Good. That's the point of this exercise - he wants to be alone.

The water is crisp and refreshing, and so, so needed. Dick Winters hasn't done anything for himself - really for himself - for months now, and this is probably the first real treat he's given himself since ordering in all that ice cream a few weeks ago.

He's all the way out in the deep part of the lake when he realizes he's picked up a training partner.

She's following him - at a respectful distance, mind you - just...watching. Is she afraid he's going to drown? (The mermaids are protective, not possessive - it's different. Wouldn't let you drown in the lake unless they thought you deserved it.) But there's a competitive streak in Dick Winters, and he decides, just for fun, to pick up his pace.

She matches him.

They are nearly at the other side of the lake when he stops, treading water, his heart pounding, regretting his decision to try and race a woman who's literally half-fish, and then, suddenly, she is sailing up over him like a dolphin. (None of the others have ever done this.) Show-off, thinks one part of his brain. The other part watches in silent, smiling wonder. It hadn't really clicked with any of the others before - the mermaids are beautiful. Or at least, this one is.

Up, up, up, she goes, body arching and glistening in the sun, spangling the air with water, and then dives out of sight. Did he scare her off? Offend her?

Then she's back, bobbing in the water a few feet away. "Aren't we going to finish the race?" she asks, smiling.

"A guy should know when he's beat," he manages with a smile. "You win."

"Usually men don't make it this far out," she says. "It's impressive." She's the type who isn't usually impressed, he can tell. They've all got personalities, and now that they're talking, he recognizes her - she's not usually out with the others. Lewis has talked with her a couple of times - she's the one who makes him laugh. Lewis calls her Duchess - she's got a sort of high society feeling and she seems to be nominally in charge.

He's still trying to catch his breath - and the shore is so incredibly far. "Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to make it back."

Her eyes light up a little. "Ask me nicely," she says. Ask you for what? he wonders, his body exploring possibilities it wasn't exploring ten minutes ago. (She notices, of course, and laughs.)

In the end, she takes his hands and tows him. "Hold your breath - and squeeze my hand if you need to stop."

It feels like flying. One minute they're at rest, and the next they're charging through the water, her tail pumping powerfully, her hands still locked around his wrists. This would be how she drowns a man, to take him down to where he couldn't breathe, but they're only a foot or two beneath the surface. He's reminded, oddly enough, of parachuting, the rush of air along his face, the adrenaline. He looks at her, muscles straining in the clear water, strong as anything, smiling and laughing for the sheer joy of being alive.

Oh, yeah, he's a goner.

Slowly word gets around that anyone up at the crack of dawn can see Winters and his new friend taking an early morning swim together. Good for him, the feeling is. That man needs something for himself.

(Certain parties who've also been up at the crack of dawn may have also been treated to the sight of Major and the mermaid, embracing on the tiny spit of beach near the hotel. Lew asks him about it one afternoon and, strangely, Dick doesn't blush about it.)

#i have written a thing #a mindlessly self indulgent thing #as one does sometimes #all the alternate universes #mermaids #1940s girl gang #joan warren #mermaid au

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angel-deux-writes · 5 years ago

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Now that Honor Compels Me is finally done, I wanted to do a round-up of all the things I remember that made me say “I feel like I need to tell someone what almost happened here” or “I should probably explain this later lol”, along with my reasons for cutting the last few chapters/what would have happened in them. It’s prob going to be very long, which I apologize for, but I’ll bold the headings so that you can skip to the parts you’re interested in!

I’ll reblog it and add more as I think of them, but for now:

Dark Dany: VERY originally, like way back in the OG plotline from 2017, Dany was an antagonist, and Margaery Tyrell was Robb’s queen. Dany would have died fighting Cersei in Kings Landing, with the same result (Cersei was ALWAYS going to go out by wildfire lmao). I changed it both because a) it seemed like too many Conveniently Alive people for one story and b) after the shitty ending Dany got, I decided I would try my hand at writing a Dany I could actually root for! For years I’ve been a big proponent/fan of the idea that Dany is eventually going to be an antagonist in the books, but the way it was handled in the show was so irredeemably stupid (gassing her up and gaslighting/scolding her fans later who didn’t see it coming, making her switch at the drop of a hat for the majority of the general audience just for the sake of a twist, etc). I ended up really loving the version of Dany I created. I tried not to soften her TOO much, which is why I had her wrestle with herself even up to the very end (like thinking “I won” after the explosion in Kings Landing and hating herself for it). I didn’t want all the flaws that make me not support canon Dany to disappear just because I started to like her! I do think that writing this story made me like Dany more overall. I still don’t support her canon actions, and I also probably won’t in the books, but I came to find her more compelling as I wrote her. I’m a lot less afraid to write her now than I have been in the past, though I’ll continue to add warnings to all my stories that feature Dark Dany, bc yall Dany stans have been through enough.

More Death: At various points Dany, Theon, Bran, and Arya were going to die.

Dany was already pointed out.

I had Theon die in the Long Night in the plot outline just out of laziness/in keeping with canon, until I remembered that Redemption = Death is stupid and I wasn’t gonna do it.

Bran was going to die after warging into Drogon and being caught in the explosion of the Red Keep. That actually stayed in until a few weeks ago! I told a bunch of people that Bran was going to die! It was the plan all along! And then I realized that “somebody has to die” was a shitty way of looking at it, and I changed it. I think a lot of this process of changing things was me trying to write what I thought people wanted vs what story I actually wanted to tell. Sure it’s a little fairy tale ending this way, but it’s my story, and who cares? Happy endings are nice. Fuck off.

Arya...I probably wouldn’t have ever actually gone through with it, because I am a coward, but there was an idea of a VERY heavy-handed “revenge is bad” message with Arya where Arya was much more savage and instead of turning back into Arya, she was turning farther and farther away from her. She couldn’t reconcile with the Lannisters, she rejected her bonds with her family. In the end she would be unable to let go of her list, would refuse to grow and change and realize that she had other things to live for, and she would have set off one of Qyburn’s traps in the Red Keep, igniting the whole thing, killing Drogon and Rhaegal (and Bran) and leading to the deaths of thousands. AGAIN I was like “that’s too dark” and scrapped the idea, but it was definitely toyed with. I love Arya as a character, so this plotline for her would have definitely been more a reaction to fans of her who seem to want her to hold on to that vengeful seed inside of her.

Prophecies: Listen, I do not give a fuck about any prophecies. I really don’t. Every fantasy universe has some kind of involved backstory that some fans love to get mired in, but I am not one of those fans. Still, I tried to deliver on two of them lmao.

Azor Ahai ended up being Jaime, with Ice/Oathkeeper and Maiden’s Heart being Lightbringer. Originally, I had Brienne killing the Night King, without any thought to the prophecy at all, but that was another case of “people will like it if Brienne kills the Night King” and I realized that I would like it better if it was Jaime. I’m not sure how it checks out literally, but I figured it worked with a) tempering in water = splitting Ice. b) heart of a lion = Jaime’s change of heart after the Highgarden Battle. c) Nissa Nissa = Brienne’s “maiden’s heart” breaking during the Highgarden Battle. It was Brienne who did the stabbing, but it was Jaime who made it happen, so I figured that made sense. I made sure to mention Brienne’s tears and all the smoke when Jaime was wounded, so he could be “reborn amidst salt and smoke” or whatever, and I had Bran mention a rebirth for him in the next chapter. Which was maybe a little on the nose, but IDK GUYS I FEEL LIKE IT CHECKS OUT!

I know the show never dove into the Valonqar prophecy at all, and I think we all know that I absolutely HATE the idea of Jaime being the Valonqar, so I would rather not think about it AT ALL. But Bran AND Rhaegal were both kind of responsible for Cersei’s death in the end, so take your pick of which Little Brother actually did the deed!

Deleted Chapters: I promise you, you are not missing anything with these deleted chapters. They were always messy, and no matter how many times I edited them, they felt too forced and “now let me explain the ending”.

Sansa: Sansa’s chapter followed Jaime’s and was primarily about her going to Robb and Dany and the three of them talking about the future of Westeros. The Dany/Robb conversation about it was originally absent--the last Robb chapter was added to fill in the gaps when I deleted this and the other chapters--so this would have been the first time it was discussed. It then would have had a time jump and a wedding scene, which I could never make work! It was such a jarring time jump in the middle of a chapter, and I didn’t think the wedding was particularly exciting to write about lmao.

Tyrion: Tyrion’s chapter would have been Dany being crowned and announcing to everyone that she and her people are going to be dismantling the monarchy and setting up a new government. I think I had her give a period of a few years in which she and Robb would rule, but they were going to be transitioning governments in that time. Kind of the same idea as in What a King Should Look Like. Bronn also showed up, DID in fact get a minor holdfast, and was mocked by both Lannisters for bowing out before he could have earned himself a better one. Olenna found some bastard daughter to legitimize and continue her house.

Brienne: Brienne’s arc was a lot more drawn out in the original draft, and I ended up editing it a few times and making it shorter. VERY originally, this chapter would have been her wedding with Jaime, at which she has the “wow he actually loves me, huh?” realization. Which I thought was funny as I plotted it out, but in execution it wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be, so I moved the realization to an earlier chapter. The original was also going to be Jaime giving up his name entirely, and Brienne cloaking him, but as we have discussed before, I am in fact a coward, so I just deleted the whole chapter lmao. In all seriousness, at this point the endings just felt like Return of the King, and Into the West was actually the chosen song for this chapter, because I knew even as I was writing it that I was doing Too Much lmao.

Robb: Robb’s last chapter was essentially just a total wrap up chapter. Just Robb and Dany being sappy, Robb being happy he was still alive, and the two of them planning the future. They were at Riverrun for this part, i’m pretty sure, or it might have been Dragonstone? I had trouble even filling this chapter with enough words for it to be a full chapter, because it was basically just an epilogue. As the story progressed, this chapter felt more and more like I was just performing to the “Robb’s Alive” crowd, which I didn’t particularly want to do, because Robb being alive was always a feature, not the focus, of this story.

That’s all the stuff I can think of for now! If anyone has any particular questions you can message me or inbox me about them and I’d be happy to talk about it!

#angel does nanowrimo #honor compels me #this is maybe Too Much but idk here you go in case anyone wants it!!

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gallickingun · 4 years ago

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That’s completely understandable! I definitely feel that as well. It may take a while, but like you said, things will get better. I’m happy to pop into your inbox at any time to offer kind words and comfort - ❤️

ngl this made me tear up 🥺 and God who gives a fuck anymore ill at least put it under a read more but i gotta get it out

but like i just feel like a cancer to everyone right now.

i am afraid to follow anyone else because im so scared of making them uncomfortable with everything going on. and anyone who reaches out to me through dms or ask box messages i second guess always. are they really being nice? or are they sitting on the other side of the screen laughing at me for having a bad day when they think i deserve it? when people see me in their activity feeds, do they laugh bc they think im trash or do they even care? i used to want people to care but now i wish no one even knew who i was. and likely most people don't. likely im just making this a worse deal than it truly is but God im so tired of not knowing who is here for me and who is here for the tea.

anytime i sit down to write anymore im always bothered. are people going to judge me for writing this when i should've been doing matchups even though ive refunded them all? are people going to find something ive said wrong in this and tear me apart for it? am i going to mistakenly use a phrase i shouldn't? am i going to make someone uncomfortable by posting this? does this go directly against what fanon says and will people laugh at me for writing it?

wow there are so many servers ive wanted to join and participate in but i can't for fear of making people uncomfortable with just my presence, no matter how active i am. and then there's the unknown of what people are thinking when i join in on a collab or when i participate in a writing sprint. are they made uncomfortable by me being there? so usually i end up never joining the server or staying inactive, and even then im still a problem. and then there's bloggers i want to reach out to but i can't because i don't want to make them feel weird by not responding to me, or them to feel like im "clout chasing" when really i just like their writing and their personality and i just want to be friends. but i can't even make friends anymore because im the devil of the discourse right now.

ive had people i was becoming friends with block me out of nowhere bc of who im assuming they associate with, or the posts they've seen about me. people who only know me based on the stuff that's getting spread. i know i fucked up, but gosh did we really have to start a whole discourse blog for my wrongdoings? most of the time im okay but lately now im just giving up. maybe i am this horrible snake, maybe i am a disgusting waste of space. at this rate, i may as well be, since that's what everyone believes.

i want to write. i want to open commissions to write FOR PEOPLE. i want to work on my patreon to provide resources and extras and stuff. but i cant. im frozen, im stuck in the mud, and i cant move on.

this app has brought me so many friends and wonderful opportunities but its also made me the most s*icidal ive been in years. but i cant talk about anything bc then im gaslighting and manipulating people by discussing my mental health. so now i question if i even have mental health issues at all, or am i just making it up? is what my ex said really true, that ill never be okay? that ill always end up alone?

god, the imposter syndrome is real. has everyone just realized how big of a fraud i truly am? is this the end of the act? am i the monster they've claimed me to be?

idk. maybe. i don't even know me.

#none of this made sense so feel free to keep scrolling #morgan gets mail #anonymous #tw: depression #tw: suicide #tw: suicidal

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cirilee · 5 years ago

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i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up. now i'm thinking: What is so important, that he has to call me during work. there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

#vent #rant

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olympiansally · 4 years ago

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Good morning my love ✨ I hope you are having just a splendid day. I am listening to music & reading today & trying to enjoy the weather (even though it is incredibly gloomy outside). I hope you are doing well & being kind to yourself, making sure that you are taking it easy. You are very cared for & I hope you remember that always ✨

Good morning my love 🥰

My god i’ve missed you. Entirely my fault, i know! This lovely message has been sitting on my inbox for almost two weeks and i am only answering it now.

And i have to warn you, this is true to style a dramatic love letter. A very long dramatic love letter to be precise.

I’ll start by apologizing for the delay and i honestly can’t apologize enough. I’d like to explain it though, because you deserve to know or maybe just because i want you to, i don’t really know.

I had a bit of a hard time with my depression relapsing and well, i couldn’t bring myself to answer this. Partially because i have a hard time talking to people when i feel that way, but mostly because i didn’t feel like i deserved it. You are too sweet and too kind and i didn’t feel like i could live up to it.

In a way i felt like i wasn’t worthy of replying to you and then, because you spoiled me so much with your wonderful words, i started missing you.

That’s the thing about my brain playing tricks on me though, i believe it and then i make it true. See, because i felt like these were far too kind and far more than i deserve, i couldn’t bring myself to reply, which made me act rude and spoiled.

So while i can’t even explain how much i’ve missed you and these, i also know it is completely my fault. I fucked up my love and i’m sorry.

It’s ironic in a way that i’m unfortunately too used to dealing with, but the feeling that i was unworthy made me act in a way that turned that into a reality and well, i can only apologize.

Now that i’m doing much better i can actually see what i did and how me not responding probably seemed incredibly entitled and like i took these for granted. And yes, that was entirely my mistake. The truth however was the complete opposite. I appreciate these so much and they mean so incredibly much to me that i couldn’t accept them in a time when i felt so completely unworthy of this affection.

These are the absolute nicest things and i love them so much. You have no idea how much your wonderful messages and you mean to me. I can’t apologize enough for letting my thoughts get away from me and take over, because this is such nice and pure affection that i can’t even believe i managed to act so completely wrong about it.

And you know what destroys me the most about it my love? That it was exactly what i needed to hear. The most ironic thing about it is that you wrote me asking me to be kind to myself and to remember i was cared for and that was just what i needed.

That’s honestly breaking my heart, because you said exactly the right thing, my love.

But my heart and my brain can be incredibly treacherous at times and this time they got the best of me.

It’s interesting to mention my heart here, because in a twisted way it goes to show how much i care about you, even if it’s showing it in a very stupid way. But the thought of not deserving this wrecked me. I mean, depression wrecked me - obviously and it was brought on by other unrelated things of course, but involved such a feeling of worthlessness and unworthiness that it made this particular spiral happen - but the fact that this was one of the little knifes my brain chose to twist inside me? Very telling really.

And my love i really do care about you so much you know? Confession: I tried to check up on you, since i couldn’t bring myself to reply to this level of affection. And there’s the catch right? Because while i have my suspicions and i did to the best of my knowledge check to see if you were okay, i couldn’t really know could i?

So i guess this is me now asking you how you are and hoping you’re well and happy! It’s so interesting that i can check on who i think you are off anon whenever, but the answer won’t be as real. Here you are free to tell me anything, protected as you are by anonymity, and this might be one of the times i’m most grateful for it because otherwise i might have never answered this. If i could know for sure you were doing well off anon i would probably have continued to avoid the feeling of being unworthy of this and you and all your sweet wonderful messages that would have come with any earlier attempt to answer it. But i couldn’t. Because while i suspect, i still have doubts and they led me back here, to the only way to ask for sure. So i’m asking, how have you been my love? I hope you have been well and enjoying the nice things you are always so kind to tell me about. I hope you enjoyed your music and you reading and even the gloomy weather you mentioned in this message!

And it’s so interesting and ironic and romantic that i might have been interacting with you off anon this entire time and these last weeks while avoiding this because i couldn’t allow myself to accept someone having this much affection for me. But caring about you is what brought me here, made me have to face your words and your feelings and really, how poetic it is that i had to check for sure because i care about you but had to see your words and deal with accepting you care about me in order to do it?

It’s what i mean when i say this is the stuff of romance novels. Because here i was worrying you didn’t really know me and would be disappointed if you ever got to, but you do don’t you my love? You know me enough to always know exactly what i need to hear in the most cosmically ironic way because you couldn’t have known why i needed it. And that’s the most sickly sweet romantic shit because now that i’m not projecting for the bad, i’m projecting for the far too good so forgive me for being dramatic, but what type of star crossed romance plot thing is this? I mean, me being scared of you not really knowing me when you do this well? Me worrying i don’t really know you when i do because the things you tell me like this, how caring and amazing and sweet i know you to be? It feels planned and plotted somehow and god do i love it.

Anyway, the epic loving romance writer in me might have taken over there for a bit, my apologies. Because my own romantic ramblings are oddly not the point of me writing this.

The point here, my love, is that i missed you. I missed you so much. And i care about you and wanted to check on you even though i couldn’t be sure if i really was. I know you so much better like this than i do otherwise and it’s such an irony of destiny that i know so many wonderful things you’ve told me about yourself but don’t know your name for sure. I know enough that i was tempted to list it, but refrained from it as to not make you anxious over how much i noticed but you should know it is all very lovely and appreciated.

You are so special my love, and you have been so incredibly special to me that i do wish i could know who you are. Today however, i’m grateful i don’t. And it might make me sound spoiled and selfish again, but it’s true. You see my love, if i knew who you are for sure i would have just kept convincing myself i didn’t deserve any of it and might even start to think you didn’t mean the lovely things you say. But since i don’t know who you are for sure i had to come back here in order to really know i was talking to you and in doing so i had to confront it and believe you, because why would you do any of this if you didn’t mean it? And you’ve told me so many times that you only want me to know that i’m loved. So i want you to know you are loved too.

I’m much worse at it then you apparently and i make mistakes and let my brain trick me and disappear for days. But i’m sorry and i missed you. I care about and even if i can’t know for sure who you are i do know you. I know you are sweet and caring and full of love, i know you are a romantic as much as i am, i know you enjoy the small pleasures of life like a sunny day or pretty flowers and i know you are lovely enough to want to tell me about them. I know you are wonderfully caring enough to continuously wish me well and unbelievably loving enough to have written me all these beautiful messages. I know other things too of course, more tangible things that make me think i know who you are in addition to knowing you, but really aren’t those less important when i already have all of these to show me how special you are?

This isn’t to mean that i don’t want to know who you are, because it would be nice to be sure one day, if you ever want me to. This is just me saying that yes, i’m not sure of who you are, but i don’t have to be in order to care about you.

And now that i’m more clear headed i know that you know me too. You couldn’t have written the perfect words to reach my heart in each and every one of your messages if you didn’t. You know me and you care about me still. I can only hope to be able to trust myself that i won’t disappoint you now.

This went in circles i think, and it might be a little too convoluted so i apologize for that, but the heart speaks less clearly than the mind and i think the feeling will come across.

And in writing this there was in fact so much feeling, my love. So much so that i couldn’t even make my words be pretty. To be honest i think it might not even properly qualify as a love letter, but for you i don’t know what else to call it.

And god do you deserve one.

Well, another one. The first one i wrote you was perhaps more beautiful than this, but i hope it pleases you all the same. I wanted to write it, messy and convoluted and honest, to tell you how much i care about you and how afraid i am of not living up to your wonderful words. So here it is my love, less love letter and perhaps more confessionary as i tell you the mistake i made and the foolish insecurity fueled reasons for it. But a letter of confession is still a letter and this one is meant to let you know that you are cared for and appreciated and that the love you’ve given me with your messages means so much to me - as do you.

The longer this goes on, the cheesier i get so i have to finish it before it gets even more out of hand.

I want to thank you for all of this, my love. For all the lovely messages and the gentle reminders, for always making me feel special and loved, for being so selfless and caring. Thank you for giving me all this love that i appreciate too much to put in words properly. Thank you for being as hopeless a romantic as i am, my love. Thank you for giving me something so perfect even when i wasn’t.

You always tell me that i am loved. I don’t tell you nearly enough, but you are too.

As always, there’s a risk you won’t see this, but i’m hoping you will. I hope it reaches you and makes you feel loved too. I’ll keep hoping, in the way only such a silly romantic optimist could.

Love, Lu

#so #the fact that they might not even see this #it’s fr killing me bro #but if you do #then good morning my love i’ve missed you #also this is SO LONG i’m sorry jsisksiaksks #but ahhh there was a lot to say #and anyway #fuck i hope they see this #because if not idek bro anyway #i might have gotten carried away because when i say that this is long #i mean that it is LOOONNGG #lmao

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