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sameheart-sameblood · 2 years ago

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Love in the Time of Cordyceps

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

summary: when the world ends, you promise you'll never love again. joel miller makes that rule hard to stick to

words: 7.1k

warnings: mentions of gore (pretty tame but still), swearing, sickness, angst, fluff, two dummies not realizing they love each other until one of them almost dies 🙄

a/n: this was supposed to be more angsty but then i remembered life is hard enough already. and i just want soft joel soooo here we are. also i meant to write 2k at most but boy do i love to ramble

read on ao3!

After the world goes to hell, you promise yourself you’ll never love again. A person, an animal, a place, nothing. Only a fool would choose to make themselves that vulnerable, needing every fiber of your being one hundred percent devoted to your survival and nothing more.

Was a life without love worth living? Every time that question enters your mind, you swat it aside. It’s like a nagging fly that buzzes around you until your persistence finally drives it away completely. Of course you could live without love. You’d been doing it just fine these past fifteen years.

Living without attachment proves useful in the new world you find yourself in. It makes the countless people you lose along the way easier to move on from. In the early days, your heart still twinges as the people around you drop like flies. Most fall victim to the bites of clickers, some to raiders’ gun, a few by their own hand.

The first group you had travel with is filled with Midwesterners who see the terrors of the new world and still somehow have a smile and a joke for you. Their joviality can’t save them, though. Clickers swarm you one rainy night two years after the fall of civilization. The sight of Gail, a woman who reminds you of your grandmother, having her stomach ripped out by an especially voracious clicker cures you of your need for any connections to the living.

Over the years, you make your way to the East Coast. Smiles, defiant in the face of adversity are replaced by permanent grimaces etched into the faces of everyone you meet. It seems as though every survivor has lost the ability for happiness of any kind. Good, you think, they’re finally learning. You wonder what took them so long.

Tales of peace the Canadian wilderness has to offer reaches your ears. In your heart you know it is most likely a tall tale spread by desperate survivors. But the good thing about a zombie apocalypse is you now have nothing but time on your hands. Working your way north, if all goes well, you’ll reach Saint John by May, continue to Port Elgin and then decide if you’d try for Prince Edward Island or turn east to Nova Scotia.

Plans are made to be broken, though, and yours, along with your ankle, break clean through one day as you make your way through Boston. It would have been over for you if not for the two survivors that find you nursing your injury in a department store that will most likely be swarming with clickers by nightfall.

The woman, after she puts her gun away, introduces herself as Tess. The man doesn’t offer his name, preferring to keep the barrel of his shotgun pointed at you. As they argue quietly over what to do with you, you observe their faces. Both are etched hard with years of loss and worry. Even harder than your joyless face. It’s impressive albeit in a sad kind of way.

Tess had somehow persuades the man to help you back to the Boston QZ. Joel. You hear her call him Joel. “Fine,” he had grumbles as he places your arm over his shoulder for support, “but if she scans red, I will not hesitate to put her down.” Oddly enough his threat somehow makes you almost like him. You sense a kindred spirit. Another follower of the “no love, no attachment” way of life.

You do not, in fact, scan red and are allowed to enter the QZ. An apartment is assigned to you, a crappy little studio with faded lime green paint. The old you would have adored it, called it quirky and planned out how best to decorate it with your meager funds. The new you just appreciates a safe place to sleep.

After your ankle heals, Tess invites you to join her smuggling scheme. Thoughts of Canada flee your mind for the time-being and you gladly welcome something to keep yourself occupied.

“But what about the cowboy?” you ask.

“Joel? What about him?”

Your eyebrows arch, “He threatened to shoot me.”

“Only if you were infected. Just don’t get infected.” She says it like you’re discussing the weather.

Joel allows you into the group begrudgingly, probably because he thinks they can use you as bait or a distraction if needed. Fine. Let them label you bait. You’ve been called worse before.

The first few months working together are tense. Joel reprimands you for the smallest mistakes and warns Tess you’ll get them all killed. At first, you bite your tongue, reminding yourself of the part he had in saving you. But one night after he scolds you for the millionth time about not checking your blind spots for clickers, you snap. “Fuck off, Joel! I survived the clickers for fifteen years. I think I know what I’m fucking doing!.”

He holds up his hands in surrender, wandering off with a hurt pout like he wasn’t the one who was just being the asshole. You wonder why your victory leaves you feeling hollow.

After that, Joel keeps his mouth shut around you. No nagging, no “helpful” tips. Just the bare minimum of whatever he needs to convey. You’ll never admit that it hurts. You don’t have to, though. Tess, at the end of her rope, explodes one night as the three of you eat dinner in awkward silence. “Couple of fuckin’ babies I’m working with,” she seethes. “If you don’t grow up I’m finding a new crew.”

It’s decided that you and Joel will do the next supply run to Bill’s. Alone. No Tess there to act as buffer between you and him. Joel grunts at that but doesn’t argue, always deferring to your leader. The trip to Bill’s goes as well as you can ask. There are no arguments between the two of you at least. You’re sure you even see Joel crack a smile. Of course it’s when you clumsily tripped over a raised tree root…But hey, progress is progress.

With the supplies in tow and Frank’s compound behind you, you actually think this trip might be a success. A gang of raiders lying in wait to sabotage you dashes your hopes of that. They had seen the two of you lugging your supplies and thought it would be an easy win. At first, they are correct. They outnumber you and Joel in size and wickedness. The four of them aren’t content to kill you outright. They tie you up and discuss what to do with you next.

Of course their attention quickly falls on you. The man with an ugly gash across his face leers at you. “Maybe we should keep her around awhile. She looks like fun.” Try as you might to act tough, that sends the blood rushing through your ears.

You almost don’t hear Joel snarl at them. “You lay one finger on her and it’ll be the last thing you ever do.” The venom in his voice snaps you back to reality. While their attention is on him, you discreetly start ripping at your bonds with the little pocket knife you thankfully decided to stow in your back pocket.

They beat Joel senseless by the time you get free. You honestly think you’re too late as you stab the goon nearest to you in the thigh, by some miracle hitting his femoral artery. The others turn to you, blindsided as you go wild at the sight of your bloodied and broken companion. Gash-Face comes roaring at you, all brawn no brains. The look of surprise as you lodge the knife in his neck makes you smile with sickening glee.

The remaining two corner you, murder in their eyes. Your gun is just beyond them, taunting you to come retrieve it. The only “weapon” you have is the belt you’re wearing, it’s clasp heavy and silver. You undo it and swing it at the nearest man. He grabs it, cackling victoriously as he uses it to pull you closer. In their grasp, you become the target of their blows. You curl into the fetal position, angry that after all the near death experiences you’ve had, this will be the way you go out.

A shot rings out, then another. Two thuds on the ground next to you make you open your already swollen eyes. As you look up, you realize your savior is Joel. Back from the dead. His face is covered in blood, like some kind of ghoul. But in that moment, you have never seen someone look more like an angel. The two of you limp back to the QZ where Tess nurses you as she simultaneously curses the deceased thugs.

Joel corners you in the bathroom the next day as you study your bruised face. “You could have run,” he hisses at you, making you jump. You don’t know what he wants so you just shrug. He invades your space, making you back against the counter. “Why didn’t you run?” His voice has gone low, anger simmering just beneath the surface.

Faces inches from each other, all you can muster is a weak, “We’re a team. I wasn’t going to leave you.”

Several emotions flicker across his face in quick succession. Anger, fear, worry and something you can’t quite put your finger on. Pride? Maybe that was you projecting but you hope you were right. Joel studies you for a moment longer, then reiterates, “Next time, you run.”

******

After that, things change. Joel is still a man of few words but the ones he does grace you with are softer and more intentional. Instead of berating you for the knowledge and skills you lack, he takes them time to teach you. He shows you how to identify fake ration cards and to spot the kind of guard you can bribe. Nights are spent with you following behind him like a shadow as he shows you all the secret ways in and out of the QZ. When your hands shake during target practice, he places his calloused ones over yours. It steadies your hands but frays your nerves, threatening to awake a feeling long thought dormant.

It goes both ways. Joel lacks attention to detail in certain situations and you show him how to read people and ascertain their flaws that can be exploited. During your runs you point out the flora that can be consumed safely or used as medicine. At Flynn’s, the only bar in the QZ, you teach him how to play pool. An essential to survival? No. But it sure helps you win a huge stash of ration cards from your fellows survivors. It also gives you an excuse to sidle up behind him and mold your body around his, all in the name of helping him get the “proper pool stance.”

Your excuses to fleetingly touch one another became more and more common. They are all perfectly innocent but carry the weight of something elicit, at least to you. Joel is never one to give away his innermost thoughts, happy to wear a permanent poker face. For all you know he couldn’t care less about you. Maybe he just knows keeping you alive is good for business and that’s why he takes a particular interest in making sure you’re safe. Whatever the reason, you hope he never stops.

******

During one supply run, a torrential thunderstorm forces you to spend the night at Bill and Frank’s. You know it makes Joel nervous to be indebted to anyone for such hospitality but you can’t hide your glee. A night there means a cozy bed and a hot shower, something hard to find in your home where the water runs tepid at best.

Afterwards spending way too long in the bathroom, you curl up in your bed, toasty and content, only to find sleep won’t not come. Your hosts are dear to you, even the grumpy Bill, but their snoring through the wall you share makes hopes for a deep sleep impossible.

After an hour of tossing and turning, you decide to go make your bed on the couch. As you tiptoe down the stairs you run into Joel, on his way up . “Going somewhere?” he drawls, exhaustion making his voice deeper than usual. You shrug, “Couldn’t sleep. There are two buzzsaws in the room next door.”

Joel chuckles, “I’ve had that room before. Can’t say it was the best night of sleep I’ve ever had.” You lived for these little snippets into Joel’s life before you came around, always eager to hear more. But the trek to the house through never-ending sleet and over the turbulent river left you more tired than you had felt in years. Right now all you want is to get where you could pass out immediately. “I’m just gonna make camp on the couch,” you say, stifling a yawn.

Joel shakes his head. “You take my room. The couch is good enough for me.” This man. Hadn’t anyone told him chivalry is dead. You sigh tiredly and beckon for him to come back up the stairs with you. “It’s a big bed. We can share.” There is silence behind you where there should have been footsteps. Joel’s smile disappears as his forehead creases in thought. “Please,” you pout, “I can’t sleep in my room and I won’t get any rest knowing you’re crammed on that dainty little loveseat.”

It takes far more coaxing than it should but finally Joel gives you a little nod and follows you into his - your - room. You gesture to the bed, “Care which side you get?” Joel thinks, then shrugs. “Left is good.” You flop onto the right side, eyes immediately drooping shut. Once again, there is no movement from your companion. Without opening your eyes, you chide him, “If you’re gonna be weird and watch me sleep all night then you can go sleep on the couch.” That got him moving again.

The sound of the shower turning on lulls you to a sleep that is disturbed only when you feel the dip of the bed several minutes later. You watch through barely opened eyes as Joel does a strange shimmy under the covers. It’s clear he’s trying his best not to wake you. The sight makes you laugh softly and his head whips to you.

“Thought you were asleep,” he murmurs.

You hum, “I was. You woke me up.”

It’s meant to be a joke but Joel grimaces. “Sorry.”

The sight is sweet and your heart flips, his frown making him look almost boyish. “It’s ok. It’s your bed.”

As you burrow into your cocoon of blankets, Joel props himself up, a pillow behind his back. He looks from you to the bedside lamp and back again. “You mind if I read for a few minutes?”

That surprises you. In all your time together you had rarely seen Joel do something just for the pleasure of it. There was usually no time. But Bill and Frank’s is a sanctuary and even the hyper-vigilant Joel Miller is able to slow down here. You nod enthusiastically, perking up. “What are you reading?”

It’s like you had asked him what his darkest secret was. He reddens, then finally grabs a book from the table. Pride and Prejudice. He stammers, “It’s just…I never had a lot of time for reading before and this was a favorite of…it was a favorite of somebody I knew.”

“You can read out loud to me if you want,” you offer with a grin. Honestly it was half in jest and half a serious hope. It had been decades since anyone had read aloud to you. Joel, always thinking you were making some sort of fun of him, smirks sarcastically. “Not a chance.”

Your glower slowly melts away at the sight of him putting on his reading glasses and settling in. Silently you curse as you feel your hardened heart crack just the tiniest bit. Idiot that you are, you try to talk yourself out of your own feelings. You aren’t attached to Joel. How could you be? He’s just a handsome, rugged man who keeps you safe and reads Jane Austen in his spare time. Maybe some lesser fool would fall for him but not you. No, sir.

The next morning, you find yourself curled into him, chest pressed against his back and arm draped over his side. Like a bomb diffuser, you carefully try to extricate yourself from the position, every movement slow and precise. Joel, still asleep, lazily grabs your hand, keeping your arm around him. He sighs contentedly as you settle back down and you swear under your breath, nestling your head at the crook of his neck. You are so that lesser fool.

******

The thunderstorms of summer give way to the pleasant days of autumn. Those good days don’t seem to last long enough. You should have appreciated them more while they were there but so is the way of being human.

Winter in Boston isn’t fun. Ok that’s an understatement. It makes you long for the soul-sucking, never-ending Midwestern winters you had lived through for most of your life. There is something about being next to the ocean that makes everything feel colder.

The nights are especially hard, the wind seeping through the cracks in the walls of your apartment. No matter how many blankets you tuck around yourself, your body never truly feels warm. Runs to Bill’s or anywhere outside the QZ become less frequent and more difficult. Only those deemed truly necessary are attempted and even then there is always a long discussion beforehand weighing out the pros and cons.

Runs between the months of November and January are too risky and after much debate, it is decided you three would lay low in the relative safety of the QZ. In the meantime, you’d assess your stockpile, make connections over the radio and wait for the spring thaw. With less food smuggled in from the outside, you decide to put your energy into earning ration cards. Even though no one could argue you don’t pull your weight in the group, you often feel like the weak link. Making sure Tess and Joel have a hot meal every night is the least you could do.

Joel had always told you to stay away from sewer work. It paid double what the other jobs did but at a high risk. Besides not being able to wash the stink off for days, the tunnels under the city were treacherous. Many had gone down there only to be blindsided by a stray clicker or jumped by a loner who made their home away from society up above. Some just got lost in the labyrinth, never to be heard from again. Or at least you had been told. You hoped those were just myths.

You and three other desperate souls are sent down to the sewers with the task of clearing the rubble from a recent cave in. A hard day’s work definitely but you were optimistic that you could get it done in a few hours time and be on your way.

The first few hours go well, the biggest pieces of the concrete being cleared easily enough. Your back aches and callouses quickly form on your palms. But still, all of that you can deal with, mollifying yourself with the thought of the stack of ration cards you’ll proudly gift to Joel and Tess.

Maybe if you hadn’t been daydreaming you would have heard the shouts of your fellow volunteers sooner. Finally coming back to reality, you move just in time to avoid another piece of falling rock. You save yourself from being crushed but lose your footing, coming down hard on your shin.

A stream of bright blood instantly trickles from the gash and you swear as you try to keep the tears that spring to your eyes at bay. Wanting to prove yourself, you brush off your group’s insistence that you go get it checked by the doctor. It doesn’t matter if you complete ninety percent of your shift. You still don’t get your payment if you leave early. So you suck it up for another hour, slogging through the muck as you finish the job. It’s fine, you tell yourself, it’s just a scratch. You’ll wash it off when I get home and be good as new.

With the job done and ration cards tucked away in your pocket, you hobble back towards your apartment. The thought of a shower, as lukewarm as it will be, is the only thing keeping you upright. That is until you feel someone putting your arm around their shoulder. Joel helps you the few blocks to your house, his icy silence hurting you more than the cut that now throbs with every jostle.

It’s only after you get inside and are deposited on the couch that Joel speaks. He rolls up the leg of your jeans, cursing as he sees the already festering wound. “I told you to stay out of the sewers.”

You suck in a pained breath as he starts wiping away the dirt. “I’m fine. It’s just a little cut. Besides, it was worth it,” you pull out the stack of ration cards and present them to him proudly. The sight gives him pause. But the look on his face isn’t one of gratitude, it’s worried exasperation. His signature grimace returns, “It’s not worth it if you lose your leg.” And people claim you’re dramatic.

Pushing him away with a shoo, you rise, limping to the bathroom. “I just need a shower. Then I’ll be right as rain.” As you peel off your now ruined clothes, Joel hovers on the other side of the door. “I can hear you pacing,” you call over the sound of the warming shower.

Even through the almost closed door you can hear Joel sigh. “I just think we should take you to the doc. Make sure you’re alright.” The water hitting you makes you audibly moan, the filth on your body washing down the drain and with it, the memory of the hard day. You appreciate the concern but all you want to do know is forget about the day. You call out to a still pacing Joel, “I’m fine. You worry too much!”

******

It turns out Joel worries the right amount. Of course he does. As eager as you are to forget about your day, it’s not long before you can’t ignore your leg. The wound is an angry red and the area around it has swollen, leaving it tender and throbbing. Thankfully you have Joel there to dress it because, honestly, you can’t stomach the sight of it. These past years have been filled with much blood and gore at your own hands. But there’s something different when it’s your own blood.

In any other circumstance you would have reveled in the feeling of Joel holding your leg so tenderly, his fingers brushing against your skin as he wraps the bandage around you. It would have driven you insane seeing him crouched in between your legs as he is now. But at the moment all you can think about is how you much pain you’re in.

You try not to show your discomfort, but your poker face is nonexistent. Joel’s eyes flick up to yours as you slowly exhale, trying to keep calm. Avoidance has always been one of your favorite tactics when dealing with uncomfortable situations so you pipe up, overly perkily, “See? All better. Now about those ration cards, I was thinking for dinner-“

Joel rolls his eyes, standing with a groan, his knees audibly cracking. “The only thing you’re gonna do tonight is rest.”

You slowly turn your body to prop your leg up on a pillow as he watches. Pouting has never worked on Joel but you figure it never hurts to try. “I still have to eat,” you mope.

“You will. I’ll open a can of soup or something.”

The disappointment is real and bubbles to the surface quicker than you realized it would. “I just wanted us all to have a nice dinner. You and Tess do so much and I feel like…” Thinking how you feel is different from saying it out loud and you have to psych yourself up. Joel’s softening gaze helps you continue. “I feel like I’m useless. I just thought this was one thing I could do to really contribute.”

The silence between you feels heavy as you avoid his stare. Finally, he speaks, confusion contorting his features, “Of course you contribute. We wouldn’t have kept you around if you hadn’t.” It’s meant to make you feel better but it doesn’t, especially in your current laid up state.

“So are you going to get rid of me if I’m no longer useful?” you gesture at your leg, feeling your eyes beginning to sting with tears.

Joel sits down next to you. Your fear has made you defiant and you meet his gaze, wanting to fight. But Joel speaks in a soft, level voice, as if teaching a child a lesson. “First of all, you’re going to get better. You just need to be patient. Second, you’re thinking there’s only one kind of way to be useful.”

“I can’t shoot like you two can. I can’t fight. I can’t threaten people into getting what I want. I can go on runs and earn ration cards. That’s it. I’m too soft for anything actually important.”

Joel frowns, “You say that like it’s a bad thing. ‘Being soft’ in a world like this is an act of defiance. It’s brave as hell. What you consider important? I don’t want that for you.”

Warmth spreads through your chest as you observe him. He’s trying so hard to find his next words, to make you believe his truth. “Me and Tess, we let the world harden us more than it needed to. It was easier that way. But having you around reminds us there’s still innocence and good out there.”

The angry tears have turned to ones of gratitude. The sentiment is too much for you, unused to such vulnerability from Joel. You give him a small smile and he returns it, leaning over to wipe a tear off your cheek. “You’re useful just being you.”

While you still wish you matched Joel and Tess’ levels of badassery, the conversation helps ease your mind. You might not think much of your survival skills but you remind yourself that you’ve stayed alive in a world that wants you dead. Fifteen years you’ve been fighting and surviving and that’s nothing to look down on.

“And for what it’s worth, “ he adds, “you scared the hell out of me the first time we met.”

You grin at him, shocked, “Really?”

He nods, smirking cheekily, “Really. Still do sometimes.”

******

Joel heats up a can of tomato soup for you to share. You try not to think of how old it must be as he prepares it. But actually, it’s not bad, the taste reminding you of your childhood.

It also helps that you’re sharing it with someone you care about. A part of you hates that how easily you’ve let him into your heart. The one thing you swore off all those years ago is now all you can think about as you watch him sitting across from you, ladling out the steaming liquid.

He catches you staring and breaks the silence, “Were you even going to tell me you got hurt today if I hadn’t run into you.” The fuzziness of your feelings for him makes your brain a little mushy and instead of having a grownup conversation, you reply with a childish, “No, I thought I’d let it be a soup-rise.”

Joel rolls his eyes in mock annoyance. You chuckle and continue eating your rapidly cooling dinner. You sober up a bit and add, “The extra ration cards will be good, though. Right?”

He nods, “Yeah. I think it’s soup-er.” His eyes flick up to yours as they crinkle, the only sign that he finds himself amusing.

After dinner, Joel excuses himself to go work his overnight shift. When he leaves and you’re left along, the throbbing in your leg returns with a vengeance along with a mild fever. Your usually chilly apartment now feels stuffy and you have to remove all of your layers except your t-shirt to be even somewhat comfortable.

Worry creeps in as you sit there, alone and increasingly unwell. You long for the company of Joel or Tess, anyone to reassure you that you’re fine. But you’re alone and the dark thoughts creep in, whispering in your ear that whatever is brewing is not good. Unsure of what else to do, you slip in to bed, hoping that whatever this is will be better by morning.

******

You don’t wake for two days. Or at least, you have no real memory of the past 48 hours. Later, when the worst is over, Joel will tell you the details of that lapse in your memory. He’ll recount how you faded in and out of consciousness, sometimes submitting to your fever for so long that he wasn’t sure you were coming back. His voice will waver as he remembers how bad it got and how fragile you looked…

But for now, he stays by your side, foregoing his own health to make sure you stay alive. The first thing you remember is waking up to the sounds of Joel and Tess arguing in hushed tones.

“We need to get her to a doctor. Now.” Joel’s voice sounds strained, like he’s trying desperately not to lose it.

Tess still maintains her signature composure. “We can’t, Joel. It’s too late for that.”

Joel must make some kind of face because Tess sighs and re-words. “It’s too late to take her in because if we bring her to the hospital all they’ll focus on is her fever. They’ve put people down for way less. You know that.”

In your addled state, you wonder who they’re talking about. Your throat hurts to much to speak up though and ask.

“The doc will give us the meds. We’ve bribed him before.”

Tess shakes her head, “Antibiotics are on lockdown. Shipments have been delayed because of the weather. No one gets any without FEDRA knowing. Breaking in guarantees we get caught. We’re no good to her dead. ”

Joel scoffs, “So what do you suggest we do?”

“She rides it out.”

“She’s been ‘riding it out’ for two days. Look at her,” Joel’s voice gets closer as he peers down at you, “she’s fighting but she’s losing.”

Oh. Fever may have taken hold of you, making your brain fuzzy and concentration near impossible, but you understand now that you are the subject of their argument. For Joel to sound so forlorn you must look bad.

If you’re dead soon, you want to let them know to leave it and just let you slip away. Your well-being means nothing if it puts them in unnecessary danger. Rule be damned, they’re your family now and you care about them. If you’re being honest, you’ve cared about them since you met them. It breaks your heart thinking you won’t be able to tell them that now. It nearly kills you right then and there to know you won’t get the chance to tell Joel you love him…

Opening your mouth to articulate all of that takes great effort and when you do try and speak, all that comes out is a strangled groan. The two rush over, Tess sitting down beside you. She takes your hand, an uncharacteristic show of tenderness. Yep, you’re dying.

“You’re ok, kid,” she whispers, “you just have to hang in there.” It would be easy to ignore reality and blindly trust her. But you’ve always been stubborn and so you shake your head and continue trying to speak. Again, nothing comes out but garbled nonsense as you writhe around trying to make your limbs do what your brain wants.

You must look a sight because Joel lets his anger overflow. “Maybe you can sit here and watch her die, but I can’t.”Heavy footsteps and Tess yelling are all that you can focus on as you fade back into oblivion.

******

Living is hard and unconsciousness is addicting. Peaceful and cozy are feelings you can scarcely remember having. It would be easy to stay in that enveloping darkness but the feeling of the back of someone’s hand on your clammy forehead pulls you back to the realm of the living. You grumble weakly as you’re made to come to.

Everything is painful. Stabbing jolts of electricity radiate up your leg from the cut. Your chest is tight, making breathing troublesome and your eyes can barely stand the dim, watery sun coming through the shades of the window. Someone places a damp cloth on your forehead to keep the fever at bay. Still out of it, you try and swat it away.

A gentle hand grabs yours, shushing you. “It’s alright. It’s only me.”

Joel. Maybe you have died and this is heaven. The man you love by your side, nursing you so tenderly. It’s more than you could have ever hoped for. This might be the afterlife believers talk about if only you weren’t in so much pain. The neurons in your brain begin firing more rapidly as your fever dies down. They remind you that you and Joel aren’t lovers. Your cowardice, disguised as intelligence, has kept you from telling him how you feel.

“What’s happening?” Your voice comes out croaky and soft but at least it’s intelligible. The bed dips as Joel moves closer to you. As you peer up through barely opened eyelids you can see him leaning over you. His tired eyes look down at you as he caresses your hair.

“You got real sick, honey. That cut you got festered and turned into a fever. We thought we were gonna lose you.” The slight falter in his voice makes your already tight chest contract.

“How long was I out?”

“Three days. We got you some meds, though. You’re gonna be ok.” He says it firmly, which does some good in easing your worry.

Trying to open your eyes a bit more you continue your questioning, “Where did you get the antibiotics from?”

Joel hesitates, “Bill and Frank had some.”

You try and sit up, angry that he made that trip and put himself in danger. Even now, you can see the snow whipping around outside your window. Knowing he made the trek there and back through that storm makes you curse. Joel tuts and puts a gentle hand to your chest, keeping you down and resting.

“It’s done. No use getting angry about it now.”

You glare up at him even though you’re really just upset with yourself. “Why would you do something so stupid?”

His smiles peacefully down at you, exhausted but eyes bright. “We’re a team, remember?”

It’s too much for you to handle. You cover your face just in time to hide the angry, relieved and grateful tears that spring to your eyes. Silent sobs wrack your frame, making you seize with pain.

Joel pulls you into him, shushing you as he resumes stroking your hair. You hide your face in his side, trying to regain your composure. Crying shouldn’t be something you feel the need to earn. But you’re all sorts of broken, so you take this rare opportunity to not judge yourself and weep with abandon. You almost died, for Christ’s sake. Surely that warrants some show of emotion.

After a few minutes, the tears stop and your breathing calms. Peeking up, you see Joel has his eyes closed. His face is the most serene you’ve seen it in ages, most of the worry lines softened. There’s still a few that refuse to relax, though. The crease in between his eyebrows remains stubbornly indented. You gaze up at him as he continues to run soothing patterns along your back.

Feeling the weight of your stare, he opens his eyes. Coward that you are, you glance away. “Thank you,”is all you can mumble out as he gazes at you. After a moment, you add a shy, “I would do the same for you. You know that, right?”

Joel pulls you gently into him, almost to remind himself you’re still here with him and that the danger has passed. He nuzzles into your hair, murmuring an affectionate“I know, honey. I know.”

******

After a few more hours and another dose of antibiotics, you begin to feel more like yourself. Joel still won’t let you get out of bed yet, except for a trip to the bathroom for a quick shower. Even though you’ve been dead to the world for much of your ordeal, you’re quickly getting bored with bed rest. But you’ve learned long ago that resistance is futile with Joel. So you shower like a good patient, scowling as the water hits your scabbing cut.

Once you finish, Joel hops in and washes the grime and worry of the past three days off. As you settle back in bed, you can hear him singing softly to himself. Through the patter of the water you can hear his soft rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s Songbird. It’s one of your favorites, too, and you hum along as you settle back into your pillow.

After a few minutes, sleep still won’t come. You toss and turn as Joel finishes getting ready for bed. He comes in to find you still awake. “I thought I told you to get some sleep.” He says it like a loving mother gently scolding their rebellious child.

You flail as you try and get comfortable. You shoot back a moody, “But I’m just not tired.” Joel chuckles as he sits down into the arm chair next to your bed. He smooths back his wet hair and gives you a faux stern look. “Your body’s been through a lot. You need rest.”

“What are you doing?” you ask.

Joel looks confused, wondering what he did wrong. “Sorry I just thought I’d sleep here tonight in case you need anything. I can leave, though.”

“No!” you yell out, completely abandoning any hope of looking cool. You give him an apologetic smile, “I want you to stay but you’re not sleeping in that chair one more night.”

Joel glances to the spot on the bed beside you, then looks to you for confirmation. He sighs, a smile playing at his lips. “If I stay will you promise to go to sleep?”

You nod very seriously. “Of course.”

Joel grins, knowing you too well to believe you. “Liar,” he chuckles but still gets up and makes his way to the other side of the bed. You pull back the blankets so can get in, then cover him up. Settling on your side, you watch as he suddenly looks lost, unsure of what to do now. It’s cute, this powerful man rendered helpless by something as innocuous as sharing a bed.

You can’t help but laugh at him and he looks down at you, eyes wide. Taking pity on him, you make a suggestion. “If you’re not tired you could read to me.” Joel opens his mouth to refuse but you blurt out a quick, “I did almost die, you know.” He glares at you but his lip quirks up. He grabs the book from the other room then flops back down in bed, opening to a spot in the middle.

Frowning, you reach out to touch Joel’s arm. “Do you mind starting from the beginning?” He rolls his eyes but flips back to the first page. You grin triumphantly as you settle into his side. Joel places his arm around your shoulder as he begins to read. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife…”

His southern drawl mixed with the Romantic Era style of writing makes for an amusing but pleasant combination. After a few chapters, your eyes get heavy and Joel feels you nodding off against him. Jane has just been invited to Netherfield Park but even that can’t keep you awake. Joel puts the bookmark in to save your spot and places the novel on your bedside table.

You grumble in weak protest as he tucks you in and turns off the light. “We can keep reading tomorrow. But right now you’re going to sleep.” Joel lies down beside you and with the pale light of the moon through your curtains you can see him studying you. He caresses your face and you close your eyes, delighting in the sensation.

“Don’t ever scare me like that again,” he whispers.

You force your eyes open, needing him to see the truth of it when you pledge a soft,“I won’t. I mean it.”

Joel nods gratefully and you reach out for him. He slides into your arms and you rest your chin on the top of his head. He’s watched over you for long enough. It’s your turn to take care of him and reassure him that, in this moment, you both are safe.

For most, an outright admission of affection is needed to understand how you feel about the other person. But you and Joel are cut from the same cloth, stubborn and slow to reveal your feelings. In this world, for people like you, ’I love yous’ are rare and replaced with actions and deeds.

You realize that even though you've never told Joel that you love him, you’ve shown it. Joel has been showing you all this time too and you were just too dull to realize it. While you know you’ll long to say the words to him soon, for now it’s enough to have him in your arms.

Joel’s breathing deepens and you feel him completely give himself over to sleep. Looking at his face bathed in the moonlight he looks like a new man. His edges soften and his vulnerability brims to the surface. It tugs at your heart and you understand how rare of a sight this is for Joel to allow anyone to see.

Smiling sleepily, you close your eyes and nestle into him. This feeling coursing through you is something foreign but familiar, an old friend you thought you had said your final goodbye to long ago. The love you have for Joel will leave you vulnerable. But it’s a price you’re willing to pay a thousand times over.

******

#im on a mission to make joel as soft as possible lol #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfiction #tlou #tlou hbo #pedro pascal #allie writes

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books · 6 months ago

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Writer Spotlight: Rose Sutherland

Rose Sutherland @rosesutherlandwrites is a Toronto-based writer who grew up a voracious reader with an overactive imagination in Nova Scotia (where she once fell off a roof trying to re-enact Anne of Green Gables!). She's been to theatre school in NYC, apprenticed at a pâtisserie in rural France, and currently moonlights as an usher and bartender—in between writing queer folktales, practicing yoga, dancing, singing, searching out amazing coffee and croissants, and making niche jokes about Victor Hugo on the internet. She's mildly obsessed with the idea of one day owning a large dog, several chickens, and maybe a goat. A Sweet Sting of Salt is her debut novel.

Keep reading for more about character arcs in A Sweet Sting of Salt, Rose's favorite fanfic tropes, and some excellent reading recs 👀

Can you tell us about A Sweet Sting of Salt and how you came to write it?

A Sweet Sting of Salt is a queer (f/f) historical reimagining of the classic folktale of the selkie wife, set in 1830’s Nova Scotia. I call it a “reimagining” because while it draws on the folktale, it’s not a retelling of that tale so much as a story playing out in relation to that mythology. I’d wanted to write something centering a love story between two women for a while, but the initial spark came from a Tumblr post! It suggested the idea of selkies testifying before the UN as victims of human trafficking, which reminded me of all the things I disliked about the original folktale and its inherent darkness that is generally glossed over, starting me down the rabbit hole toward finding my own story.

How did you approach research for A Sweet Sting of Salt, and what is a favorite historical fact you learned?

I joke that I did a lot of research by osmosis: I already had a lot of base knowledge about the location, having grown up in Nova Scotia, and then set the story in a period that I’ve been absorbing information about in a low-key way for ages—1832 is also the year of the student rebellion in Les Mis, so I’ve been gleaning tidbits about this era since I first got into the musical and book back in high school. However, I had to do more specific research into things like British divorce law, period midwifery, and animal husbandry. I also visited some small, hyper-local museums on the South Shore that gave me an invaluable glimpse into daily life. I also did some fun practical research into things like “How long does it take to walk from x to y?” and “How cold IS a plunge into this body of water in March?” (Spoiler: Very.)

A fact that fascinated me but didn’t make it into the book was that some early European settlers in the area were granted lands by luck of the draw, pulling from a deck of playing cards: Each card was assigned to a specific 50-acre lot, and whatever you pulled, you were stuck with it.

When we meet them, Jean and Muirin are isolated for different reasons. What do you hope readers still searching for their people take away from A Sweet Sting of Salt?

That there’s always hope. It’s valuable and important to keep reaching out to the world around you, to be open, and not cut yourself off—the biggest reason for Jean’s loneliness at the beginning of this story is the way she has come to keep everyone around her at arm’s length, shutting herself away out of fear, and refusing to let anyone truly get to know her because she thinks that’s the best way to protect herself from being hurt again. Reaching out to others can take a real act of courage, especially if you’ve had bad experiences in the past, but “your people” will reach back to you.

Found family elements play a strong role throughout the novel, within supernatural and mundane settings and across species. Was this something you intended from the beginning, or did this grow out of writing the relationship between Jean and Muirin?

I always intended for Jean to have a found family of this type, which is something that a lot of queer people identify with, but those bonds also got stronger and more meaningful as I wrote, especially once Jean and Muirin began growing into their own family unit—their new relationship and the real danger that comes along with it put pressures on Jean’s other relationships that I hadn’t originally considered. Disagreements with Anneke and Laurie over Jean’s choices arise from their deep concern and love for her, and her own love and care for them, reflected in her responses, is a big part of what made them feel like a real family, for me. Jean and Laurie always having each other’s backs while also being the first to call one another out on their bullshit ended up being one of my favourite dynamics in the whole book.

The selkie myth carries an inherent element of transformation. What is a character transformation you most enjoyed writing, and why?

On a character level, the change in Jean’s worldview following a conversation with her childhood sweetheart meant a lot to me—it heals an old wound for her. I love how grounded and self-assured she is afterward, in spite of the daunting task still ahead of her. But my favourite transformation to write was the antagonist’s mask-off moment, where they directly threaten Jean for the first time. It’s so sly and coded so that only she will understand the menace behind it, a real dun-duh-dunnn moment, which was a lot of fun for me—I also enjoy the foreshadowing elements in that exchange.

This is your debut novel. Did anything surprise you about getting it from manuscript to published book?

Oh my gosh, how LONG it took! After I finished the original draft and decided it was worth attempting to publish, I spent over a year revising based on my own thoughts, input from beta readers, critique partners, and my mentor, Maureen Marshall (whom I connected with through the now defunct Author Mentor Match program, and whose book, The Paris Affair—about a young gay engineer attempting to help Gustave Eiffel secure the funding to build a certain celebrated Parisian landmark— is coming out in May). After that came a full year of querying agents and getting rejected. A lot. People loved Salty but weren’t quite sure what to do with her or where the book would fit in “the market,” which was hard to deal with at the time but is hilarious in retrospect: Salty was snapped up less than a month after she finally went out on submission! But that was back in 2022, and the book is only coming out now. Publishing can be painfully slow.

You’ve written fanfic in the past—do you have a favorite fanfic trope?

I’m not sure either of these counts as a trope, but I adore a character that’s “pure of heart, dumb of ass”, and love a truly unhinged Fanon Explanation For Canon Object. As a longtime Les Mis stan, I ship Tholomyes/Getting Punched. If you know, you know.

Do you have any favorite queer retellings of folktales you can recommend?

Right here on Tumblr, I’m a huge fan of @laurasimonsdaughter, who writes delightful riffs on classic folktales, truly inventive urban fantasy spins on old lore, and her own original folktales.

I’m currently reading Spear, an amazing queer, gender-bent, Arthurian novella by Nicola Griffiths. Anna Burke’s books Thorn and Nottingham are up next on my TBR. Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of brilliant queer historicals that aren’t retellings (I recently loved Suzette Meyr’s The Sleeping Car Porter and Heather O’Neil’s When We Lost Our Heads) and wonderful historical retellings that aren’t queer (I highly recommend Molly Greeley’s beautiful, heartbreaking Marvelous, about the real-life couple that inspired Beauty and the Beast). Queer, historical retellings aimed at adults seem to be considered quite niche, still, and can take some digging to find! So, throwing this out to Tumblr: Do you have recommendations for me?

Do you have a writing routine? Is there a place/state of being/playlist you find most conducive to your writing practice?

My routine is chaotic at best, but I find I do my best work earlier in the day, so I usually scribble in my journal while I have breakfast, and then progress to working on my current project as I drink my second cup of coffee. I’m lucky—my day job is an evening gig, which mostly allows me to write on my preferred schedule… but I’ve also been known to have a bolt of inspiration strike at 10pm and dash home to write until well past midnight on occasion. Nothing quite like the hyperfocus zone!

What’s next for you? Are you working on anything you can tell us about?

No official news yet, but I’m currently working on a story set in 18th-century provincial France based on a true unsolved mystery of the past. It has me delving into a very specific branch of French folklore, and I hope future readers will pick up on common threads with one popular fairytale in particular. I’m really excited about where this one is headed, but keeping the details close to my chest for now!

Thank you Rose for taking the time to answer our questions! If you love queer fantasy and old folktales, grab yourself a copy of A Sweet Sting of Salt, and be sure to share your queer folktale reading recs with Rose on @rosesutherlandwrites!

#writer spotlight #writers' room #booklr #writers on tumblr #writing community #writeblr #creative writing #debut author #reading #rose sutherland #a sweet sting of salt #selkies #myths #fanfic #Les Mis #queer fiction #f/f fiction #queer folktales

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behoright · 2 years ago

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ultraviolet disguise l s. crosby

don’t be so naive / you know that you are all I see

summary: Sid makes you apologize after you give him attitude all night.

wordcount: i literally don’t know how to word count on my iPad please someone tell me I swear it’s not too long maybe 4k

song: tonight you are mine - the technicolors

warnings: minors dni! Contains a whole lot of cursing and smut. Quite degrading and rough as well, so please read at your own discretion.

a/n: plotless, plotless smut. poor proofreading lol. When I say I would let this man do anything to me, I mean it. Feel free to fill my inbox with your thots. Love you always.

(＞。☆) ✒️ ˚‧ ⌗ ⌗ ⌗ ⺌

“Where is she?”

“Can someone go find her?”

Your group of friends was currently shivering on the sidewalk, in the Nova Scotia winter, as they drunkenly waited for their rides to take them home. All necessary interactions exchanged, and many waiting to happen behind closed doors, only a couple of people were sober enough to round up everyone and finally call it a night.

Sidney being one of them, noticed instantly they had left you behind.

In all honesty, he was cranky and tired, the frustration having built up from babysitting a bunch of wasted people.

“Isn’t she a grown ass woman or whatever. She can figure it out on her own.” someone slurred.

“Alright, I’m not missing our Uber because of this.” Sidney said, making his way back inside the bar with a huff. No one was coherent enough to go back in there anyways.

The place was packed, people happily mingling at every corner; thankfully, Sid had a great height advantage to almost everyone, so was able to spot you effortlessly through the chattering crowd.

As he walked over to you, thoughts and memories of the messiness that constituted your friendship plagued him, his heart quickening pace inside him.

“Are you done or what?” he spoke loudly above the music and chaos.

“Almost.” you said as you barely turned around to acknowledge him.

“Everyone’s waiting for you, let’s go.” He replied impatiently.

“I’m waiting for this guy to gi-”

“I really don’t care. We’re leaving.” he said, strictly, inching his body towards you and the exit.

Sidney used his physical edge to push you through the crowd, hurrying you with his haste steps right behind you.

“I don’t need you to do this, you know? I’m an adult.” you hissed as you kept walking.

“Well, then maybe start acting like one.”

“Dude, what the hell is your problem?” you exclaimed, turning around and bumping into his chest. Despite your size difference, Sidney felt like he ran into a brick wall.

He sighed, grabbing your arm harshly and pulling you into the nearby bathroom.

“What is your problem?” he said, raising his voice while locking the door behind him.

No one was going to use the bathroom until he figured out where your attitude was coming from.

“I haven’t done anything to you, Sidney.” you muttered.

“Oh yeah? You’ve been acting like a bitch the whole night.”

“Woah. What would the press say about hometown superstar Sidney Crosby using this kinda language?” you snickered, crossing your arms.

“Why are you being so… mean?” Sidney’s eyes narrowed at you.

“What are you talking about?”

“Just, fucking, pushing me away all night, like I don’t even exist.”

“Well, I’m sorry I don’t kiss your ass like everyone around here does.” you said, rolling your eyes.

“That’s NOT what it is and you know it.” he yapped.

“I thought you said I needed to stay away from you. I’m too young or whatever.”

Sidney hadn’t rejected you per se, but at that moment, you both recalled the conversation from a while ago.

The conversation that was supposed to put all flirting to a half.

From both of you.

Supposed to.

“It’s not only that, Y/N. You’re Mike’s niece, it’s not right.” he replied, running his hands through his dark hair.

“Fine! Then why are you so mad when I ignore you?” you prompted, throwing your hands up.

“Not only did you mostly ignore me, you, were fucking rude the rest of the time, and I mean, you’re obviously so fucking desperate too.” Sidney almost word vomited, clearly ignoring most of what you said.

“How, Sidney? Literally, how?”

“I mean, look at what you’re wearing!”

“I meant how was I rude.” you said, making him blush at the miscommunication, too embarrassed to even respond. “Why are you worried about my dress so much?” you teased.

“Oh my god, you’re so fucking annoying.”

You knew what this was.

Like a child, throwing a tantrum to get their mother’s attention, basically.

It was obvious to you that bowing down to his ridiculous comments wasn’t an option.

Not yet.

“You like it?” you said, running your hands down the cheap fabric that sat tightly against your body.

“No, I did not say that. I don’t like it.” he muttered, slightly looking away from you.

There was something quite entertaining about rendering a huge, masculine man down to this blubbering of a mess.

“Why not? Is it too slutty for you?” you laughed.

Sidney’s eyes were burning into you, now quite differently than before, as he turned his attention back to you fully.

Nevertheless, he remained silent.

“You holding back, Sid? Why? You don’t want to call me a slut to my face?”

“I would never do that.” he hit back, his low voice echoing in the tiled bathroom.

Looking out of the small window for a second, you sighed. It was too late, and everyone was waiting anyways.

Perhaps tonight you’d throw in the towel. He obviously already had.

“Whatever. We need to go anyways.” you said, walking towards the door.

“No, we’re not leaving until I get an apology from you.” he hit back, positioning himself between you and the exit.

Or… maybe he hadn’t, you thought, seeing that spark still in his voice.

“Good fucking luck with that.” you laughed.

“Just say you’re sorry.”

“I should be asking for the same thing, I mean, you’ve been pretty rude.”

“Because you were rude first!” he exclaimed, throwing his arms up.

“Do you hear yourself? I thought you were the “real” adult here.” you snickered.

He took a step closer just to have you take a step back.

There was no conceding tonight, actually.

He wasn’t getting any apology out of you anytime soon, and the more you stood your ground, the heavier his chest began to heave.

Unbeknownst to him, you knew Sidney perhaps too well.

He was simply too easy to read, always hiding under the hockey personality facade.

It might have fooled anyone else, especially, any other girl, but not you.

Throughout the months you had spent together, it had been incredibly simple to get to know him.

It was only after he distanced himself away from you that you decided to press his buttons.

He fell for it each time, his impulsiveness and real, undercover feelings exposing him and failing your tests constantly.

“You’re really, really pushing it tonight, Y/N.” he muttered.

“Fuck if I care.” you said, raising your shoulders.

Poor Sid, you thought, such masochistic tendencies he had.

If he could only burst his media trained bubble for a second, you could’ve had fun with that together.

“Fucking say sorry.” he repeated, once again.

He was slowly beginning to unravel, his feelings showing clearly through the tense muscles of his body language.

“Or what, Sidney?”

“God, you’re such a fucking brat.” he said, raising his voice, louder than ever before.

“Oh, there he is. Finally, you’re saying what you really think.” you smiled sweetly at him.

“You’re so fucking spoiled, it’s driving me insane.” he said, keeping the slow walk going towards you.

“Keep going, Sid, you’re just making this more enjoyable for me.”

“Yeah, of course this kinda of shit turns you on.”

“You’re one to talk.” you say, flicking your eyes down at the noticeable bulge in Sidney’s pants.

“We’re at a club, Y/N. Not everything is about you.” he said, rolling his eyes and yet attempting to close the space between you two.

“Then why are you here with me?”

“Because you won’t listen to me!” he exclaimed, his legs still moving towards you. “Is this what i have to do to get you to listen?”

“…Yes.” you whispered, and Sidney felt like he finally was starting to break you down.

“Drop the act, Y/N. Tell me what’s going on.” he sighed.

By now, Sidney had covered all the space in the bathroom, and found himself face to face with you against the wall, your fiery eyes looking up at him.

You had walked around in circles enough with him, literally and figuratively.

“If I could spit in your face I fucking would.” you said roughly, your eyes stuck inside his chocolate eyes.

“Do it, then.” he said, his face tilted down towards yours.

“Enough, Sidney.”

The smirk that you had so proudly sported all this time was long gone, Sid building up enough courage to now talk back to you.

“I thought you wanted to? Do it, then. Spit in my face.” he encouraged, smugly.

“You fucking wish.” you said, pushing against him with your chest.

“Woah, woah, calm down, now.” he chuckled, his fingers wrapping around your arms to keep you against the cold tiles of the bathroom.

You couldn’t hide the way his touch made you feel - you had dreamed to be in his hands for a while, and feeling him now just made you wetter.

Unfortunately for you, he noticed right away, his expression morphing into puzzlement as he took you in.

“Look at you. You like this, don’t you?” he asked, incredulous.

“Never in a million years.”

“Then what is this?”

Sidney’s eyes flickered down to your breasts, the hard nipples poking through your dress instantly giving you away.

“It’s cold, Sid.”

“I don’t know, your skin feels pretty warm under my hands.” he raised him eyebrows, moving his hands slightly up and down.

Plan foiled.

“Is this what this is all about?” he questioned, but you kept your lips zipped in frustration.

Sidney took an impossible step forward, your chests coming in contact.

“If I touch you down here, Y/N, what will I find?” he asked, trailing his fingers down your left arm gently.

“I don’t know, maybe if you ever fucked a girl before you’d know.”

“That’s a good one, baby.” he laughed. He couldn’t help it, seeing you so feisty just… for him.

That was all you wanted, apparently.

He kept his eyes locked onto yours, looking for approval as he lingered his fingers in front of your sex. As he got what he needed, he wasted no time in moving your underwear to the side.

“That’s what it is. You’re just dying to get fucked right.”

Sidney whispered a heavenly oh my god as his calloused, thick fingers rubbed your folds.

“Did raising my voice make you feel all hot inside?” he asked.

“No.”

“You’re fucking soaking my fingers, Y/N. Quit lying.”

He knew he could stretch you out immensely just by using a couple of his digits; but he decided not to, taking his touch just to your entrance and circling your clit, with no added pressure, making your head painfully fall back.

“I’m barely touching you and you’re already moaning. You’re so desperate, aren’t you?” he coaxed.

No witty come back spewed out of your mouth, the slight relief and building anticipation of indulgence growing deeper within you.

“You really want to be put in your place, huh? That’s all you want?”

His touch had you at a loss for words; you could barely nod in between needy whines.

“Stroke my cock, c’mon.” he said, his voice husky as ever, as he placed your hand on top of the swollen erection that was poking through his dress pants.

It was becoming hard to focus, hard to touch him right, Sidney refusing to dip his fingers at any point inside you, instead just painfully teasing you.

“Oh, you just think I’m going to fuck you like that?” he asked, dropping his hands away from you.

“Fuck no. Work for it.” he said aggressively. “Get on your knees.”

Your knees found the floor promptly, betraying your will but getting a satisfied smirk out of him.

“Look how obedient you’re being now, huh?” Sidney said, his fingers fastly undoing his pants in front of you. “Open up, baby. Let me see your tongue.”

Sidney slapped his cock on your tongue a couple of times before thrusting inside your mouth, not giving you a chance at any action but to wrap your lips around his girthy cock instantaneously, moaning in satisfaction.

“Holy fuck.” he moaned, letting his head lull forward with his bottom lip secured under his teeth. “This is what I have to do, isn’t it? I have to treat you like this, for you to-, to-, fuck, oh my god.”

You pulled Sidney’s length into your throat, your muscles tightening in a gag around his thick head, mostly in order to break him further and to stop his gloating.

“God, where did you learn how to do that, fuck.” he groaned deeply, lacing his fingers in your hair, instinctively massaging your scalp sweetly.

“You’re so much nicer when you’re choking on my dick like this.” he continued, his thighs tightening and clenching under your hands as you bobbed your head on him, thick saliva building at the back of your throat as you somehow devoured him more and more.

If he was holding back any moaning, it was hard to tell, his abs visibly clenching whenever you took him deeper and he, consequently, moaned louder.

“This is a good, good way to say sorry, baby.” he growled, his head thrown back, but stopping your motions right away.

“I’m not saying sorry, Sidney.” you said, pulling away from his cock so quickly that you were left with a trail of spit connecting you back to his glistening head.

He felt his chest fill with anger and lust, desire.

All he wanted to do was take you home and fuck you until you couldn’t talk back to him any longer. He instinctively wrapped his fist tightly around your hair, pulling you up by your locks.

“Look how messy you are.” he muttered as you came to your feet, his big eyes trailing over your shimmering chin, dripping in spit and precum. “Come here.”

Sidney shoved his tongue inside you, placing his other hand around your throat gently. He loved to keep your head steady as he overwhelmed your mouth, running his tongue over yours with no rhythm or caution, simply taking whatever he wanted.

“I guess I just have to fuck this attitude out of you.” he said against your lips as he pulled away breathless. “Face the fucking wall.”

As he turned you around, you did your best to hide the huge smirk on your face. He was finally going to give you what you both so desperately wanted; despite what he said, Sidney’s actions had always proved different than his words.

He hated that he had such a hard time resisting you, that he spent his night thinking about you with his cock throbbing in his hand, but he couldn’t wait anymore.

The rubber band had finally snapped.

Sidney squeezed your ass, your silky flesh crinkling in exquisite pain through your thin dress. He kept marking you with his fingertips as his other hand roughly pulled down your minuscule underwear, letting it trickle down your legs as he directed your ass towards him.

He tried to keep his composure as he pulled your dress up, the traces of his fingernails on your skin illuminated by the small ray of the street lamp that came through the high bathroom window.

It was hitting you perfectly, actually, so much so that he could see the glob of your wetness leaking out of your entrance, your pussy angled perfectly towards him.

“I would tell you how pretty you look like this but you don’t deserve it.” he spit out, beginning to stroke his member up and down your slit.

“You’re so fucking needy for me. I can’t believe how wet you are, God.”

Without warning, Sidney filled you up completely, ripping a gasp out of you as he gave you no time to adjust. His size made it hard to breathe or even keep your legs from wobbling already.

“Yeah, you’re not used to taking big cocks like this, aren’t you.” he questioned, readjusting the grip in your hair once again. “Well, you’re going to tonight.”

He began to fuck you, almost savagely, every mouthwatering plunge hitting your cervix and stretching you to your max. Sidney grunted deeply every time he moved. He knew that as much as he tried to keep it together, you could see the cracks within him, giving into you. But he knew he couldn’t back down without teaching you a lesson.

“Say sorry.” he groaned in your ear, but all he got in response were sweet moans.

Frustrated, Sidney picked up the pace, slamming himself harder against you and inside you. Your body rebounded against the wall harder every time, an aching starting to cover every inch of your skin, seeping within you and mixing with the unrelenting desire that he was sending through your being.

Whenever he wanted, Sid would move his right hand, squeezing and grabbing any bit of you that pleased him.

He was big enough to have access to your every part.

The back of your thigh, or the side of your tummy were covered in his fingertips, flecks of his rough handling beginning to dot all over you.

Your nipples oversensitized, having been rubbed against the freezing tiles through the fabric of your dress were the only sensation cooling you down as he kept increasing his rhythm, his heart pounding heavily against your back.

“Yeah, I bet that feels good, doesn’t it?” he said, tilting your head so he could see you. “Look at those pretty eyes rolling back. Fuck.”

The sounds that filled up the room were filthy, he thought.

Sidney felt primal, taking you in the bathroom of a sleazy bar, not because he had let himself go, but because it pleased him to put you in your place.

The buckle of his bell dinging against his pants as he sped up.

His heavy breathing fusing with your candied moans, reverberating against the empty stalls.

The squelching of your bodies united, drops of want and longing and frustration running down both of your legs, splattering against the ground or soaking his pubic hair - it was so dirty and out of character for him.

Only you drove him to this.

Knowing that he was the only one that could hear this, all of it being covered by the muffled sounds of the raging bar outside, made him grip your hair a little tighter each time he focused on it.

This was the closest he had ever been to your face. Underneath the light sheen of makeup, he could see your skin turning a deeper shade of red; those big and thick lashes he loved so much batting irregularly. He noticed you wanted to regulate your response to him, attempting stupidly to keep your pupils focused on him instead of oscillating to the back of your head once again.

But he could see right through you.

He could see you struggle, with your telling high pitched moans, trembling underneath his touch.

It exasperated him. Delightfully.

“You want to cum so badly, don’t you? Yeah?” he asked, almost mockingly.

You nodded, the pull from his hand making the roots of your hair sting more and more, pulling your face in such a pathetic way that kept Sid’s cock covered in wetness.

“Too fucking bad. You don’t get to until you apologize.” he barked, pressing your heating cheek against the wall.

Your defiance was obvious; you decided to keep this little game going a while longer, considering it made him so mad and delirious, pushing his pelvis so forcibly against you that your ass bounced audibly on him.

“Apologize. Be good, c’mon.” he uttered in your ear, doing his best at holding back his groans as he slowed his thrusts down.

Playing was for two people, after all, and he knew the change of pace would be what you despised the most. It was immediately evident, groans of desperation pouring out of you.

Still, you could see stars of pleasure as you squeezed your eyes tightly in anguish.

“Now, Y/N.” he demanded, a hand coming down to spank you harshly.

If it was up to him, he would have kept this going forever.

He had thought about a million ways to punish you throughout the whole night.

You were lucky he only had a public bathroom available at the moment.

He could feel you on the verge of breaking, both in the cracks of your voice, the fact that you were pushing back at him slightly, your body looking for more, and of course, your cunt clamping firmly on his cock through the wetness. He made the decision to keep the thought to himself as an attempt to keep you as tamed as he had you at the moment.

All he needed was to slow down even more.

As adorable as your squeals were, and as much as they made his dick twitch noticeably inside you, he wasn’t going to let up.

“I’m sorry, Sid.”

Eureka.

For once, Sidney had the upper hand. He made you putty in his hands and you equally knew it.

“Good job.” he said, fucking you roughly again.

He went back up to max, tightening his jaw as your pussy sent waves of toe curling pleasure down his cock. He was leaking inside you, precum spilling all over and painting your insides.

“I’m so sorry, Sidney, I’m sorry.” you repeated, his eyes on your face.

“That’s okay, baby. Just once was good, love. You’re so good. So good.” he said placing his lips against your cheek.

The act of tenderness made you quiver.

If you had let up once, you could finally fully let go.

You could feel his pupils dilating in lust as your mouth was stuck open, blaring your sobs and cries as your orgasm hit you like a ton of bricks.

Ceaseless in his fucking, he seemed to thrust harder as he got closer too.

Sidney refrained from rubbing your clit. He wanted to, yet this was still a punishment.

“Atta girl.” he coaxed. “Keep coming for me, baby. Can you do that?”

You nodded dumbstruck, your eyes crossing deplorably as you kept shaking in bliss.

Sidney was focused on you; he noticed a silver thread of spit leave your bottom lip, your face still roughly pushed against the wall with his force, and he lost it.

“I need to cum, baby, I’m going to cum inside you, fuck.” he hastily groaned.

He growled deeply, thrusting all the way inside you and grinding into his orgasm as his cock let out hot cum within you.

“Fuck, baby, fuck.” his growls were deafening, numbing you and traveling throughout the stuffy air.

As you came down, you could feel him spasming yet inside you, his face still furrowed in a heated sweat - he had bottomed out inside ou, his strong pelvis lifting you a couple of inches off the ground, levitating under his gratification.

Soreness began to overtake you as the pleasure let down, all of Sidney’s muscles relaxing into you with a sigh; your heels clicked as he let you back off the wall slightly, pulling his cock out of you as he was still huffing.

The pain hurt so good for you both, breathing against each other as you tried to catch your breath at the same time.

“Look at me.” he said, turning you around so quickly you could have lost your balance, especially after he fucked you like that. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Seeing his usual sweetness come back made your heart swell, a smile growing on your face.

“I’m okay, Sid.” you said, biting your lip shyly.

“Now, what we’re going to do is…” he began after kissing your forehead, bending down to pull your underwear up, “put these on, keep my cum inside you, okay? Like a good girl, yeah, while we go out and grab a ride to my place. Yeah?”

You nodded, aroused that he wanted to keep this going.

“Good job.” Sidney placed his hand on your lower back, walking you to the door. “I’m not done with you yet.”

#sidney crosby #sidney crosby fic #sidney crosby x reader #sidney crosby imagine #sidney crosby smut #smut #nhl imagines #nhl #nhl smut #nhl imagine #nhl fic #pittsburgh penguins #hockey #hockey rpf #Sidney Crosby rpf #rpf #one shot #hockey smut #kikiwrites

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dr1lldash · 4 months ago

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venture x medic!reader fluff (part two) 2.3k words (can you tell i want to go on a date with sloan)

(part one)

sorry this took so long to get out!! i was almost done and then forgot to finish it for a few weeks and then i added another 500 words :3

It had been a few weeks since you and Sloan met and started getting closer, and a few days since the dig had ended. The Wayfinders had been further excavating the Temple of Anubis, despite the obvious danger, and they seem to have found what they were looking for. Camp was packed up faster than usual, though not so fast that you were worried. You knew about the history of Cairo, especially about Anubis, and you weren’t keen on being there for longer than necessary.

Luckily, you were now in Nova Scotia, staying with Sloan for a while. Their apartment was chaotic but organized, at least for them. They had spent the better part of the last week sleeping, and you really couldn’t blame them. They somehow managed to stay up for the entire flight back, but as soon as they got the two of you safely to their apartment, they were out cold.

After they caught up on their sleep, they were back to their usual energetic self. They took you to lighthouses, a few galleries and a sculpture garden, the museum of natural history, and you spent nearly a whole day in the geological museum. They talked basically nonstop about the fossils, gems, and minerals, and a small tour group ended up following the two of you for a few hours. You were the last people in the museum when it closed, and they took you to an ice cream shop nearby after.

“Get whatever you want,” they tell you as you look at the menu, “it’s on me.”

“What are you getting?”

“Guess.” The corners of their mouth flip up, and they flash their eyebrows.

You pretend to think for a second, looking over the menu once more. “Ube?” They shake their head. “Honey jalapeno pickle?” Their eyes widen.

“Is that one really on the menu…?” They scan it quickly, gasping as they finally see it. “Oh my god, that sounds so good. It must be new, I don’t remember it last time I came here. Maybe I’ll get a second cone.”

“When was the last time you came here?”

“Eh…” they trail off, pursing their lips. “A year or so? I’ve been on a few back-to-back digs.”

“Wow.” You haven’t been a medic with the Wayfinders for very long, only a few months at this point. “Do you miss home?”

They teeter their head. “I mean, yes and no? I moved around a lot as a kid so this isn’t really home, just home base. You know?” You nod at them. “We should order, though, I really want to try that honey ice cream now.”

“Ah, you’re right.” You look at the menu one last time before deciding on a candied bacon cone.

“Oh! I had that one years ago, it was so good. You’re gonna love it.” They ask you to find a table to sit at while they go to the counter to order, and you look out the window for a few minutes, watching the sun beginning to set.

“Ta-da,” you hear Sloan’s voice singing behind you. You turn to look at them, seeing four cones in their hands. “I got you an extra, I remember you said you like strawberry.”

“You didn’t have to,” you tell them, grabbing the two cones from their hand.

“I know, but I wanted to. You do like strawberry right? I’m remembering that right?”

“Yeah! It’s my favorite.” You hold the cone out before starting on it. “Want a bite?”

“Absolutely!” They lean across the table, wrapping their lips around the scoop of ice cream poking out of the cone and taking a bite out of the cone as well. “Gah, that’s so good. You know they make all the flavors in house?”

“Oh, really? That’s so cool!”

They nod. “Do you wanna try mine?” They hold out both cones, one rocky road and one honey jalapeno pickle.

You hesitate before leaning forward and taking a small bite out of their rocky road cone. “Oh my god, that’s the best rocky road I’ve ever had.” They roll their eyes playfully.

“You don’t have to lie for my benefit.”

You shake your head. “I’m not joking, I swear.”

“Do you wanna try the other one?”

You bite your lip. “Uh…no, no, I couldn’t take that from you. You work hard, you deserve to eat well, you know?”

They lean back. “I won’t force you.”

The two of you start eating your ice cream before it melts, talking about the dig you were just on. Sloan excitedly tells you about how they’d never seen so many Omnic artifacts before, and that they were a little nervous to be so close to Anubis himself, but that they think the danger was worth it in the end.

“Have you ever been to the Shambali Monastery?” you ask, licking some melting ice cream off the side of your bacon cone.

They practically vibrate as they answer, cracking their honey jalapeno pickle cone slightly. “No, but Carrie said we might be going there for our next dig! The higher ups at the Society want us to take a break, though. Which is fair, I guess, but I think a whole month off is a bit much.”

“A whole month?” Your surprise is genuine, from the way they were talking, you didn’t think they ever took more than a day off between excavations.

“Yeah, it’s gonna feel like forever,” they groan. They let out a sigh before flashing you a grin. “It’s alright though, time’s passing really quickly with you here.”

You feel a blush creeping on your cheeks as you start to bite into your cone. “I’m glad I got to come here.”

They go to take a bite of their cone, but change their mind. “Just one bite, I swear you’ll like it.” The green ice cream beginning to melt in the cone is intimidating, but you trust Sloan. Plus, they had brought cups of water for the two of you, and they had just been sitting on the table until now.

You let out a small sigh, but lean forward to suck some ice cream out of the cone. It was interesting, to say the least, but the honey was well-balanced with the jalapeno and pickle. It wasn’t too sour, spicy, or sweet, but it wasn’t your favorite. “It isn’t bad,” you tell them, taking a sip of water. “I don’t think I would get it for myself, though.”

Sloan hums in response, taking bites out of the top of their cone. “Thank you for trying it, anyway.” They go back to their rocky road cone, wincing before taking a sip of their water. “Those do not mix well.”

“I could have told you that.”

“But you didn’t.” They pout at you for a second.

“You’re right, my most sincere apologies.” You’re finishing off your strawberry cone, focusing on enjoying the last bits of sweet frozen cream, when they ask a question you didn’t quite expect. “Are you going to the Monastery?”

You pause. “I’m not sure, I want to, but nobody’s asked me to come back yet.”

Sloan gasps quietly, their eyes growing wide. “But you’re such a good medic! You’re nice, patient, and cute, and you have the best snacks, and you didn’t even tell anyone about my secret stash of ice cream. The medic on the last dig, oh my god, he was kind of an asshole. Any time I would hit my head, he was all,” They puff out their chest and imitate a deep voice, “‘you have to rest in the shade for the rest of the day, and if you’re dizzy at all, you can’t dig tomorrow’.” They let out a sigh. “You’re so much better than he was.”

You laugh at their imitation, pretty sure you know exactly who they’re talking about. Not all of the medics you were trained with were keen on people, most of them just wanted to do their job and go home as soon as possible. “I appreciate that, I try my best.”

“Let me talk to Carrie for you!”

“I don’t want to force myself in.”

“Nonsense! You want to come, right?” You nod. “And I want you to be there. It’s not a bother, I swear. We switch between medics too much, some consistency would be good for us. Please let me ask her? Please, please, please?” They clasp their hands together, pouting at you with big eyes.

“Okay, okay. If it isn’t too much trouble.” You pop the last part of your cone in your mouth, smiling at them. “I appreciate it. I had a lot of fun on the last one.”

“Because of me, right?”

You laugh. “Of course, nobody keeps me company like you.” They break eye contact with you, blinking rapidly as they look out the window for a second. “Are you okay?” you ask, worried you said something wrong.

“I like spending time with you, is all.” They look back at you, flashing their grin, and any amount of discomfort you thought you saw is gone. They lean back in their chair, chewing on the last bit of their cone before they stretch, their shirt riding up on their stomach ever so slightly. You struggle to pull your gaze away. “Should we go home? I mean, back to my place?” They get up, pushing their chair in. You mirror their actions, both of you turning to a hand sanitizer dispenser near your table to clean up some of the stickiness.

“What time is it?” you ask, looking at the sky outside, late in sunset, street lamps already lit up.

Sloan glances at their phone, grimacing when they see the time. “Uh, almost eight.”

You blink. “Wow.” It really hadn’t felt like that long, despite the clear difference in the amount of light outside. Sloan holds a hand out to you, and you take it, lacing your fingers in theirs. The two of you walk outside into the cool summer evening air, enjoying each other’s company as you make you way back to Sloan’s apartment. They point various places out, telling you about restaurants as you pass them and parks that they used to frequent.

“Can we check one out tomorrow?” you ask, looking up at them. Their head swivels the other way as you make eye contact, and you could have sworn you saw a slight flush on their cheeks.

“Yeah, that sounds nice.” They squeeze your hand, still avoiding your eyes as you talk. “There’s a couple people I know that like to walk their dogs at that one,” they tell you, pointing at the one you’re passing.

The conversation continues to flow as you approach their apartment, and they unlock and open the door for you as you finally make it into the building. You step in, holding the door for them as they enter behind you, silent in a comfortable way as they lock the door.

“I had a lot of fun today, thank you for showing me around,” you tell them.

They flash a smile at you. “I had fun taking you around, I’m glad you liked it. I like this city, even though I never really get to spend a lot of time in it.”

“Do you ever want to stay here?”

They hum for a moment. “I don’t think so. I want to see everything the world has to offer, now and in the past.” They pick your hand up from your side and squeeze it. “I like traveling more with you, though.” Now it’s your turn to blush.

“I like traveling with you, too. I haven’t been able to go to a lot of places, but I hope we can visit the Monastery together.”

Sloan squeezes your hand, almost without a thought, and their lips turn up at the corners. “I hope so, too.”

The two of you make your way towards bed, and you turn to leave their room, intending to sleep on the couch, but Sloan reaches out and grabs your wrist from their bed before you can.

“Where are you going?”

“I was going to crash on the couch.”

“Why?”

You pause. “I just kind of assumed…”

They pout at you. “My bed is big enough for both of us, I don’t want you to feel unwelcome.”

“It really isn’t a big deal -” you try to protest.

“I’ll sleep on the couch instead.” They release your wrist, sitting up in bed and turning so their legs are hanging off the side. “You’re my guest, you deserve to be comfortable.”

“No, no, I can’t take your bed from you.”

“Then we should share.”

“Uh…” At this point, it’s nearing midnight. You’ve had a long day, you’re tired, and the thought of getting to sleep that close to Sloan doesn’t sound bad, just a little intimidating. So you give in. “Okay.” You climb into bed next to them, just enough space between the two of you that you don’t feel like you’re crowding them, but close enough that you can feel the heat radiating off their skin.

They turn on their side so they’re looking at you. “Goodnight, [Y/N].”

You smile at them, not wanting to fall asleep just yet. “Goodnight, Sloan.” They shut their eyes and their face relaxes relatively quickly. You keep watching them for a moment, admiring their features as they start to snore softly. Their hand is lying next to their head, and you rest yours near it, lacing your pinkie in theirs. You could swear you see a smile on their face, but it’s gone just a moment later. You manage to fall asleep in just a few minutes.

In the morning, you wake up with their arm wrapped around your torso, holding you close, with your head pressed into their chest and their face nuzzled into your hair. You pretend to go back to sleep until Sloan wakes up, partially because you don’t want to disturb them and partially because you want to enjoy the moment a little while longer.

#again i do not know how to end fics #i hope this is cute and worth the wait :3 #AW I JUST LOOKED AND I POSTED PART 1 EXACTLY A MONTH AGO #like it's midnight here BUT IT COUNTS OKAY #venture #overwatch #venture x reader #venture overwatch #sloan cameron #honeybunch

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stuckinnet · 1 year ago

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a few notable stuff:

1. Advice he would give a young Sidney Crosby "Probably to say no a little bit more as far as the off-ice stuff. That's one thing I look back on and it was just, it was pretty hectic. I think it's easier said than done. I think at that point there was just so much going on, coming out of a lockout. There's a lot of expectations on and off the ice as far as doing your part as a young player to try to help the league. I think it's easy to say that now but at the time I think it was the right thing. It's just, it was a bit of a year. It was a lot. You feel that pressure, you feel that expectation."

2. "Do you yet consider your context? Your place in hockey's history? Top five. Stuff like that. And I know you're gonna say you don't, but come on, by now you gotta." "I don't (laughs). Why would I? I mean, that's a debate for other people, not me. I don't really- There's no reason for me to really think about that. Obviously there's a ton of reasons and things you could debate so there's not much point in me even going there." "I'm not asking you to declare yourself the top five but I just wonder if privately you wonder. Not at all, huh?" "No, I don't. It's a compliment when your named with so many great players and you're put in that category. But I love the game and I respect all the players who've played before and what they've accomplished. I don't really need to figure out what that is or have that number in mind. It really doesn't change how I feel about the game or how I feel about what I've done in hockey. It's not really about that."

3. "Do you ever just sit on the couch and watch TV and eat junk food?" "Yeah pretty much Sunday and off days is what it is."

4. "What's it like to go the distance with Malkin and Letang? Now it's apparent you're gonna play the length of your careers together as far as it can go." "To be able to go this long and hopefully be able to go a few more years that would be incredible. It's been a pretty amazing ride to this point. To be able to have those guys around, to go through the experiences we have, to see their drive at this point in their career and what they've accomplished, I think is something that we all push each other and we all have really high expectations. They're driven. They care. They're competitive. And it's really fun to see that after all these years. That hasn't changed.

5. "What would you rather win? A gold medal or another Stanley Cup?" "There's no way I'm answering that one (laughs)".

6. Last movie he watched was, of course, Oppenheimer. "The long one. Really good. They mentioned Halifax, Nova Scotia in it too so that doesn't hurt." "Why not Exorcist? Too scary?" "Yeah, not really a scary movie guy."

7. "Are you engaged, married or is anyone expecting?" "Nope. Nothing to report there."

8. "You are very comfortable with your age, aren't you, at this point in your life and career. 36. Even the grey hair. I don't think it fazes you at all." "Yeah, no. What would faze me about my age?" "You tell me. Cus you and I talked a bit about dyeing your hair which you have no intent to do." "Well I might have to if I everybody comes up to me and chirps at my greys, I just might have to eliminate that conversation starter."

9. "You gonna fight Bedard?" "No, you don't have to worry about that."

#sidney crosby #pittsburgh penguins

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equallyshaw · 1 year ago

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nova scotia princess | nico Hischier

nico hischier x oc marchand

warnings: swearing, mostly fluff and some sweet moments between her and her siblings.

word count: 4.3k

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

marie celine marchand had been in new york for the past year, much to brad's dismay. he hadn't seen her since christmas, and was shocked to see her at his doorstep up north. it was now july during the off season, and marie had decided to head on up to nova scotia, for her birthday no less.

◦

the youngest of the five, she could not have been more different from the rest. she never engaged in hockey (i know! a sin!) never took any inkling towards skating or snow sports, but instead towards soccer, her first love. she was enamored with it and it took her to faraway places with team canada and for her college years at the university of stanford. she had a very hard time leaving california but knew it was best to start fresh, and it just so happened that she loved new york. at the time, it was only a 40 minute drive to her long time childhood friend, ryan graves before he was traded to the pittsburgh penguins. the day he was traded, he gave her a phone call and she was completely gutted. yet she understood the business side of the league, though brad had gotten the better part of it his entire career. after he was traded, she hadn't thought about the new jersey devils as the season rolled around. she no longer had something tying her to them, so she moved on and supported her friend's ryan and sidney on the pens from afar. it wasn't until she found her self in upper manhattan meeting up with some girls from work at a little known and upscale restaurant, that she had saw some of the people she'd grown close to over ryan's stint with the team. she walked past them towards her table, most certainly garnering some looks once they heard the familiar name of marie celine from the group of girls. she got a text from a few of them night, restarting the snapchat groupchat she had had with some of the younglings. most notably, hughes', nico and dawson. she rolled her eyes as messages flowed in that evening as the girls took some wine back to the girl's apartment.

that evening all of the caught up with one another, and then she received a text from nico askin if they wanted to get some coffee for old times sake. what did she have to lose? and so it began than, secret dates and then group dates with the team, spending weekends at a time with nico at his place getting up to whatever came about. throughout all of it, she kept it a secret from everybody besides her older sister rebecca; nobody needed to know. at least not yet.

◦

marie walked up to the front door of brad's lake house and she mentally prepared herself for the all the pestering and bombarding that would happen once she'd set a foot in the house. she pulled out the key he had given her the year he finished building it, and she quickly made work with the lock and pushed open the tall door. "brad! im home!!" she called out, smirking to herself as she heard dogs running towards her and footsteps. she looked up to see brad with wide eyes and then his famous smile. she took her hand off of her small suitcase, and met him halfway for a hug. "who's here?" "who's that?" "if its jr im gonna cry" and that made marine giggle, already knowing it was ryan. "you good?" brad questioned pulling away just a bit and she nodded, "yep! are you? you forgot to invite me for my birthday!" she said faking a pout. "kat!" he called for his wife and marie slapped his arm, "don't go blaming it on your wife you hooligan!" marie said as katrina walked in and she squeled. "i thought you were going to sw-" and then katrina cut herself off. brad looked at his wife then to marie and then they were both gone and off towards the kitchen. "we have a surprise guest!" katrina called out towards the open back door and a group of heads turned towards her. she saw her siblings, ryan, sid, nate, patrice b, pasta, their partners, a few childhood friends of the siblings and a few aunts/uncles. "damn got the whole fam i see..." she whispered to kat who giggled. "uh yeah you could say that." she said looking down at the girl as some of the guys came to say hi. "hi guys." she said looking at some of the nova scotia greats as ryan rested his arm on the brunettes head. she looked up giving him a playful dirty glare, "ah hem." she said garnering a few laughs. "well if you'll excuse me-" she paused pushing ryan's arm off of her head, "ill be down soon, i need to do a few things." she said smiling at everybody before she was off towards a guest room that was designated hers.

she sat down on the edge of the bed as she put her head in her hands, cursing the world. her phone buzzing like no tomorrow with texts from nico, the hughes brothers and dawson. she had been dodging their texts and calls after (what she thought) was nico cheating on her. they were on facetime a week ago and she could have sworn she heard somebody in the background as she heard a muffled voice and nico look in front of him one night. so when she didn't show up to the airport in switzerland the day before, nico was freaking out. which in turn freaked the other boys out. she heard a soft knock on her door, and she looked up to see ryan. she sniffled, wiping her tears as he stepped in and shut the door behind him.

she broke down even more, and ryan quickly sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. he had no idea why his best friend was hurting, yet he kept quiet until her sobs became softer. "mc....whats going on?" he asked as he pulled back just a bit to look at her, her cheeks stained with redness and moisture. she sniffled, "he-he's cheating on me." she said and ryan knew exactly who she as referring to, besides her sister she ofcourse told him. they were two peas in a pod, through thick and thin. ryan sighed, growing heated with anger. "and they wont stop texting me...they are worried as to why i didn't make it to switzerland but i don't wanna talk to them." she said pushing her head into his chest. ryan kissed her head, trying to calm himself. she needed her best friend, he'd take care of nico later.

◦

the next morning ryan left the marchand house early to get some coffee for him and marie. the two hadn't left her room all day. she was too much in state of disbelief, shock, and grief as she explained to nico what had happened. as soon as he was turning onto the main strip her called nico up, ready to tear him a new one. nico picked up on the fourth ring unsure as to why he was calling, "wanna fucking explain to me hischier why the fuck you cheated on the very best thing that has ever happened to you and our universe huh? why you decided to hurt the very brightest light? you are so in for it hischier, you have no idea. you have a whole league about to give you hell." ryan spat breathing rapidly. nico was at a loss for words over in switzerland. "what?" he croaked in confusion and exhaustion. since marie hadn't been responding to anybody's calls or messages, he hadn't slept. too sick with fear and anxiety. "she caught you with a girl nico, on facetime. are you seriously that daft?" ryan growled. nico thought back to their last facetime and he went through the events of it. he'd been sitting up in bed shirtless, around 11:30 his time, he was just about to go to bed after finishing his sleep tea and he then realized. she had heard his sister in the background, as she had come to visit him and the two had just gotten done playing a round of Mario kart. "christ- didn't cheat. promise." he said standing up now and looking at flights to new york. "who was it then nico?" ryan questioned, "my sister. can get flight to new york today." he said and ryan chuckled, "yeah no she ain't there." ryan said turning into the drive through, " if you're gonna make things right, you gotta come to scotia." ryan stated.

ryan walked back into the house with his, brad's, kat's and marie's coffee with a few breakfast sandwiches. "wanna tell me why marie is crying on the dock?" sidney said as soon as ryan walked into the kitchen. "wait what?" ryan asked setting everything down before looking towards the dock, and now seeing nate making his way down it. ryan sighed, "misunderstanding." he simply stated taking the coffees out of the tray. "misunderstanding, huh? is that why you two were locked in her room all evening?" sidney asked sipping his hot coffee. ryan sighed again, "she thought her boy-boyfriend cheated on her." was all ryan stated sipping some coffee. "boyfriend?" sidney questioned, eyes going wide. "does brad know?" he questioned, and ryan scoffed. "like he need to know every little thing in her life." and sidney wouldn't buy it. "no no, you have to tell him! or at least get her too." sidney said with authority, and ryan rolled his eyes. "sid, she doesn't want him to know at least not yet." ryan said watching nate and marie interact. nate had his arm around the brunette, as she sobbed into his shoulder. "you know we all look at her like a sister, please do the right thing. we only want the best for her and that only happens if brad knows, and you know that." sidney said before taking his cup of coffee and heading out to nate and marie. ryan groaned as kat walked in with the young kiddos. "ou! mommy juice, thankyou ry." kat said thanking the defenceman. she saw the look in his eyes, and then she look towards the crowded dock. "oh no." kat said, "oh no? whats up?" brad said walking in rubbing his eye. he paused as he saw the three of them outside, huddled together, "whats going on?" brad asked now walking in front of ryan. "uh-" "spit it out graves." brad demanded and ryan hummed. "she thought her- her boyfriend cheated on her. but it was a misunderstanding." he stated and brad was angry. "boyfriend?! what do you mean misunderstanding graves? spill it!" he said as kat took the kids outside. "she thought her boyfriend of 10 months cheated on her but it was only his sister that she heard. i just got off the phone with the dude so its been all cleared away, i just hadn't had the chance to tell her." and then he said softer, "and tell you he's coming here." ryan said not meeting his best friends eye sight. "here? are you mad ryan! who is this so i can knock some sense into him?" brad demanded and ryan was in for it. he was cornered, there was no getting out of this. "i cant say brad, only marie can." ryan said defeatedly and brad rolled his eyes. "so you're saying that you really arent her boyfriend?" and ryan now met his eye sight in shock. "you're telling me that you two haven't been together at least at some point?" he said and ryan laughed. "oh god no, shes my sister brad. you know she hates me half the time, for good reasons but no. i couldn't ever go down that path and there has never been a moment ever for me to. ew gross." ryan said and brad sighed. "always thought it was you two against the world... man i gotta pay up." he said amusedly. "pay up?" ryan said cocking an eyebrow. "a long running bet with patrice." and now it was ryans turn to laugh. the nova scotia princess was never his and would never be.

on the dock, marie thanked nate for listening to her ramble and cry into his shoulder before sidney sat down. nate rubbed her upper back, trying to comfort the girl. sidney sat down and offered her some kind words, and she thanked him. "i just don't know what was not good enough for him? what did i do wrong?" she said looking off into the clear lake. sid and nate looked at one another, silently trying to get the other speak up. "nothing sunshine, nothing. its all him." sid said trying to reassure the young girl he'd seen as a little sister since the day she was born. him and brad had been in practice together when they got the call from brad's dad, urging the boys to head down to the hospital with sid's dad. the moment he had seen the young girl was how he felt when his sister was born, he'd protect and be there for her through everything. "how about a boat day?" nate offered up and marie smiled. she could never and would never pass up a boat day.

◦

it was around 10:30 pm and the original group that had been there when she'd shown up was back at the house, with all the kids passed out as they sat around talking, drinking and now making smores. ryan had been looking a this phone for the past two hours waiting to heard from nico, but nothing had come in since he had landed and was about to go through customs. marie had been having a great evening, her favorite people all in one place once again. celebrating her birthday that evening, and now talking like old times. ryan and marie sat with one another, cuddling up to stay warm now that a chill had set in. "dude, put your phone down for the princess' birthday." brad said annoyed that ryan and been on his phone for the better half of two hours. marie glared at brad, "its alright brad. no harm done." she sighed. she had a love hate relationship with the nickname, but most importantly when it was said out loud by brad. it made her cringe somewhat. "hows new york, mc?" nate asked and marie smiled then frowned softly before her smile reappeared. "its going great! work is going well and stuff. i even joined a soccer league for fun, it'll start up in august." she said swirling her drink. "we'll have to catch a game before we head to training camp." sid offered and the others agreed. she smiled softly, before ryan untangled himself from her after he got a text message. nico had arrived. brad eyed ryan as he got up and walked into the house. kat smiled softly knowing what was going to happen and nudged brad in the side a bit. "its fine, let them be." kat whispered and brad rolled his eyes.

marie shut her eyes softly, just basking in this moment, this evening and few days she had taken off of work to be here. it had been far too long since the last time she'd been home, always using her summers to train in san diego before returning to school. she hadn't been home in 6 years and promised herself that she'd make it up here more, now that she lived in new york. "oh princess!" she heard ryan call from the house and she sighed, standing up and throwing the blanket onto the seat before heading inside. "yes grumpy prince?" she asked giggling before she froze, seeing nico. he had a hopeful yet loving gaze on his face as she looked at him with tears beginning to form. what was he doing here? she turned towards ryan who had begun to make his way out, and she pulled him back inside as he was already through the threshold. "wanna tell me why he's here ryan?!" she asked upset. "ask him-" and she cut him off, "no, you tell me!" she screamed now alerting some of the guys outside. nico stood on the other side of the kitchen, with a defeated look on his face with guilt and regret spreading throughout his body. "he cheated on me and you're going to invite him here, ryan? tell me why that was a good idea, huh?" she pestered as brad walked in. "no fucking way." he muttered staring down nico, and nico took a step back. "answer me!" she yelled at ryan who held his hands up in innocence. "marie-" she cut off her brother, "you knew?!" she said stepping back away from the two. "let him explain himself." ryan said as she looked at the two people she thought she could trust in this world. thankfully, so far nate and sid hadn't given her any reason to distrust them. "let him explain, please. if you still don't believe him or want him gone- ill-we'll get rid of him." brad said pleading to his baby sister and she sighed, arms crossing over her chest. she turned slowly towards nico who had a pleading look, and her heart twinged just a bit. "fine." she said and the two smiled widely, backing out into the back and brad shut the doors.

"follow me." she said walking past him and they began their dissent up the stairs. she opened the door and let him walk past her into the room, and she shut it behind them. she then went to the window and shut the blinds, but not before flipping the group off. she heard groans and a few 'fuck' as they all wanted to hear and see the drama unfold. "i didn't cheat, schatzi. i promise." he began and she shook her head, "alright bud." she said rubbing her eyes. "i didn't baby, you have to believe me." he began again and she shook her head again. "who was it, huh? somebody like your ex? was it somebody better than me? what did i do wrong, ni. what did i do to hurt you?" she questioned through a strained voice. nico shook his head, "you've never hurt me, you've never done a thing wrong. promise. the girl-"he chuckled pulling her hands into his, inching closer to her. "the girl was my sister, nina." he said a bit amused now. his eyes crinkled as he smiled, his dimples on full display as he looked into the eyes of the girl, he loved. "wait what?" marie asked in disbelief. "your sister?" she asked and he nodded. she looked down and nico quickly diffused her guilt, "schatzi its ok, i promise!" he said pulling her chin up to look at him. she shook her head, "i - i mis read things and i feel like an idiot." she hummed tearing her chin away. "misunderstanding." he hummed and she frowned. "im sorry." she said with tears beginning to form, "im an idiot. oh my god." she said and he pulled her info a hug. he kissed her head, rubbing her back softly. "im a fool, im a utter fool how could i be so daft?" she rambled in french and nico chuckled, "you two have thing for the word daft?" and marie cursed the universe for him knowing french. "wait, two? who?" she questioned pulling back to look up at him. "nico yelled at me yesterday." he said laughing now and marie had a concerned look on her face, "how bad?" and that made nico laugh even louder. whenever she needed back up, he was there to give it. she looked up at nico as his laughs subsided and she stood on her tip toes to kiss him. he pulled her in closer, leaning down a bit so her feet could be flat. they pulled apart, resting their foreheads on each others. "so, how much trouble am i with the guys outside?" he questioned softly and now it was her turn to laugh.

◦

it was the next morning now and marie woke up to an empty bed, groaning before getting out of bed. she made her way over to the blinds and opened the blinds to see kat, patrices and david's girlfriend, and the kids on the patio eating breakfast while all the guys are missing. she squinted over towards the lake and she did a double take before seeing her brother's boat. it was a crowded boat, with all of them sitting facing one another. she spotted nico and prayed that the guys weren't going too hard on him. after the two spoke last night, they made there way downstairs for a bit before nico was on the verge of passing out due to the time difference. she quickly changed into a white t-shirt and linen pants, before heading down he stairs. "ti!" she heard rue screamed as she walked outside, and quickly made her way over towards the older girl. she wrapped her arms around the girl's legs before rue pulled her up for a hug. "good morning my girl." she said speaking in french as the two shared a small moment in the morning sun. "hows my favorite god daughter?" she hummed and kat laughed, "your only god daughter." she mused. marie giggled, "that's why she's my favorite." she said setting her back down in her height chair, and sat down on the bench with noah , patrice's son. "ouu cinnamon rolls!" the girl overly gushed, garnering some giggles from the kids. "ever the oldest child." kat teased and marie winked, "i take my role very seriously." she hummed.

the boat was on its way back now after a very stern talk with nico, unfortunately. basically threatening his very existence if he were to ever step out of line. the usual. oh, and that there was somebody or two on every team who would not hesitate to teach him a lesson. nico and the guys all got off onto the dock, with ryan running in front to get some cinnamon rolls- steal is more like it. "hey! that's for us." marie said swatting his hand away as he came up behind her, "i swear to god grumps, im gonna cut off your hand." she said quirking an eyebrow between the two's showdown. "good morning princess!" brad said placing a kiss on the girl's head before stealing a cinnamon roll himself. "hey, not fair!" ryan said and marie mimicked him, earning a chorus laugh from the kids. "im the one that brought them." brad said shrugging, "no i did." sid said and patrice shook his head, "you brought the original one's, i was told to pick up another dozen." patrice said picking up his youngest, felix. "yall are too much in the morning." she mumbled in french, standing up and walking inside to get some coffee. nico followed her into the kitchen to get a refill on his, to which she happily poured him some. "how bad was it?" she questioned, peering around him quickly and then looked back at him. he shrugged, "theyre just as scary in life as on ice." he said and she giggled. "yeah...they have no filter." she said pushing a strand of hair behind his ear. "tell me about 'nova scotia princess'." and she rolled her eyes, "the fairest of them all." he added with a grin and she growled loudly. "you inconceivable fools!" she yelled out, making her way outside. "im going to kill you all!!!!" she said looking at sid, nate, ryan and brad. she did a fake start towards brad before going after nate, "come here nathaniel!" she screamed running after the man, who was, unfortunately, being outrun by a 5'4 semi-retired defenceman. "somebody help me here!" nate called out and sid began his dissent, but she was too quick and made her way after him. "you are so getting in that water!" she screamed, referring to a tradition the 5 of them had. a surprise morning swim in the cold water. "its cold!" one of the kids screamed and marie laughed. "perfect!" she grinned. ryan tapped nico, "lets get our girl." ryan said nodding towards the brunette and nico smiled. "lets get her." and the two made their way towards the water where she was running after the two. "no!" she screamed as ryan almost grabbed the girl. "don't you dare!" she said jumping a few feet away from him. thankfully with sid and nate being neighbors, she freely began her way towards their places with the group following her. nico was the one closest to and almost grabbed her as well but she took a step to her right and was out of reach, "alright i gotta do it myself!" brad announced jogging over and marie knew it was game over. "not the old man!" she gasped, earning a few chuckles.

it was not brad who got the girl but nico, who was immediately instructed to drop her off the dock and into the lake. she screamed, cried, and kicked but unsuccessfully as she felt water hit her back. as she came up, everybody else decided it would be a great idea to also jump in. she covered her head momentarily before splashing water in all directions, "you! you traitor!" she said with astonishment as nico tried to get closer. ryan dunked her before she could say anything else, and nico laughed with the rest of them. she came back up and pushed ryan, "rude!" "the princess of nova scotia is officially home!" brad said as he made his way towards her, ready to splash her as well.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

hope you all enjoyed!! pls like and reblog if you did!

random tags: @hischiershoe @nicohischierz @cuttergauthier @skatesnstuff @fallinallincurls

#nico hischier #nico hischier x oc #nico hischier blurb #nico hischer fic #nico hischier imagine #nhl #nhl imagine #nhl blurb #hockey burb #hockey imagine #ryan graves #sidney crosby #brad marchand #nathan mackinnon #boston bruins #boston bruins blurb #new jersey devils blurb

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schizopositivity · 8 months ago

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i have schizoaffective disorder and never really understood the difference between delusions and paranoia, when my therapist asks for examples of me experiencing them i don't know what to tell her. is the difference just: paranoia is when you think something might be happening but delusions are when you know something is happening? maybe i will finally understand hearing it from someone else with the similar experiences, if you don't mind sharing your thoughts. thank you for your time, i hope you have a lovely day! 🎀

Nova Scotia Health put it this way: "Delusions are false beliefs that involve a misinterpretation of experiences—for example, someone may believe people are trying to harm them. Paranoia is when someone distrusts others for no perceived reason at all—for example, someone may suspect the motives of those around them."

The way I think about it is that delusions are a strongly held belief outside common reality. So for the person experiencing it, it feels as real as can be. No matter how someone emotionally reacts to it, it's just there as a belief in their mind. It can be scary, or comforting, or neutral. And paranoia is the intense fear and suspicion that comes from the beliefs/delusions/misinterpretations. It's like intense anxiety caused by delusions. It's more of the emotional reaction to the strongly held beliefs outside of common reality. Like delusions are an intense belief, and paranoia is an intense feeling of fear and suspicion.

#answered #paranoia #delusions #delusional #mental illness #nd #neurodivergent #schizophrenia #schizophrenic #psychosis #actuallyschizophrenic #mental health awareness #pseriouslypsychotic

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panzershrike-pretz · 1 year ago

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Band of Brothers as dogs - pt. 1(??maybe)

Yeah I don't really have anything to do (actually do, but procrastination is my favorite sport) and was thinking about my own comment of Webster looking like a dog (and @malarkgirlypop 's bit about him being Kermit, Jenna Marbles' dog), so i decided to do the rest of the guys :]

Enjoy!

Dick Winters - Nova Scotia Duck-tolling Retriever

This one i picked based on red-hairness alone lmao. They're inteligent and alert dogs, with high energy. Tollers love having a job to do (and Winters never seem to really catch a breake, does he?)

Lewis Nixon - Bernese Mountain Dog

This breed is a big, smart, hard-worker and goofy kind. But you know what else they are? Lazy. They love to just sleep around (much like Nix, omg that man sleeps more than his bed lmao). They also have the tendency to bond with only one family member... (Winters 👀)

Carwood Lipton - Australian Shepherd

These dogs are smart, loyal and protective. They're a kind of shepherd, so it fits well with Lip, who kind of whole thing is keepin' Easy together xD

Ronald Speirs - Doberman Pinscher

Look. I know it's just a bad fame of these dogs, because they're actually sweethearts - but they still look scary. It is one of the smartest dog breeds. These are guard dogs and are bred to look intimidating and be fearless. Like someone i know-

David Webster - Italian Greyhound

Yeah. Kermit in specific. No brain. At all.

#should i make a part 2?#its fun making these xD #i already have some in mind so let mes know if i should make a 2 KKEKEKE #please.#band of brothers #hbo war #easy company #bob #dick winters #carwood lipton #lewis nixon #ronald speirs #david webster #🥨🪶

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envythemouse · 5 months ago

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All-time Sam/Dean recs

Plotty:

Intertextuality by doctor__idiot

Summary: It starts out as a joke. Sam has no other excuse than boredom. And maybe a little pettiness.

Envy’s notes: Sam gets annoyed when Dean keeps trying to flirt with girls they come across. The solution? Flirt with Dean himself.

Another Go Round by KassandraScarlett

Summary: Someone sends Dean back to 2009, with a mission: change the past, change the present, so the apocalypse never happens.

Dean leaves behind a Croatoan-ridden world, only to stumble into the one person he's always loved more than anything else.

Or:

Zachariah doesn't send Dean to 2014. Instead, Chuck sends the Dean of the future to 2009.

Envy’s notes: Sam Winchester/apocalyptic Dean is the best ship we have in the fandom so I had to put it on the list. Apocalyptic Dean gets sent to 2009 right after Sam tries to kill himself to get away from Lucifer. This Dean knows what it’s like to truly lose his other half and so treats Sam with the love he deserves. I love affectionate Sam/Dean. Even better, other Dean watches it all happen and is jealous of himself.

Sincerely, Sam by Samcursed

Summary: Sam Winchester is praying for death.

Dean's already gone after sacrificing himself to take out Amara and Sam's losing more and more of himself each day at Lady Bevell's hands. He's reached his limit. Then suddenly he finds himself in 1998 and the sole focus of a supernatural lawyer who has one very firm request; She needs Sam to cure a demon. Dad, Dean, and Bobby won't let him out of their sights and Sam has enough to juggle with the swarm of supernatural creatures who think the Boy King has come back to take his crown.

Envy’s notes: Older Sam and younger Sam switch places so it has younger Dean/older Sam in the past and younger Sam/older Dean in the future. Sam uses his powers in this and the demons rebel because their boyking has arrived, some demons are trying to break the seals decades earlier because Lucifer has also noticed Sam’s presence. Oh and Sam think his Dean is dead and wants to join him.

The Truth In The Lie by flawedamythyst

Summary: Sam and Dean pretend to be gay lovers while they hunt a monster on a bus tour of Nova Scotia.

Envy’s notes: Lots of physical affection and damn do I love these original characters. Sam and Dean go undercover as a couple on a bus tour for gay men, they do a lot of sightseeing. There’s this guy hitting on Sam and he has no idea because he can’t read signals, but Dean does notice.

Pacified by Parroticat (hanover)

Summary: Set in season 7 after they've got Lucifer out of Sam's head. Sam starts having nightmares, waking up every night screaming himself hoarse, weak and exhausted. Dean fixes it the only way that has ever worked, no matter how embarrassing Sam finds it.

Envy’s notes: Sam starts wetting the bed after going to hell, Dean takes care of it. Not a kinky fic, just hurt/comfort.

073 – Barry by ani_coolgirl

Summary: In remembrance of the life and times of Barry Cook. Sam remembers perhaps a bit too much.

Envy’s notes: In which Barry helped Sam find out his sexuality and knew Sam’s brother was also Sam’s first crush. When Sam tells Dean about Barry, he realises Sam has feelings for him.

For You to Me are the Only One by flowerofnettles

Summary: Classic trope, Winchester Drama version—Before the boys hit her with witch-killin’ bullets, the monster of the week puts a curse on Dean: either he has sex within five days, or his heart will give out. The catch? The curse was designed to make its target violent during sex, and naturally Dean refuses to put anyone’s life at risk to save his own. As the fifth day gets closer, a desperate Sam makes the choice for them both, by offering (with a little help from Castiel’s angel powers) the only person he’s willing to risk at Dean’s hands: himself. Only when it ends they’ve got bigger problems, because Sam never expected that a few nights pretending to be a stranger volunteering to take care of Dean could lead to such shocking discoveries about himself, his brother, and the strength of the bond tying their souls together.

Envy’s notes: Not as smutty as it sounds. It has a lot of feels also. Hidden identity!Sam/cursed Dean. It’s all very consensual (except for Dean not knowing it’s Sam). It’s over 50k words so you can spend the night reading it.

It's Just Research by brokenlittleboy

Summary: Sam becomes obsessed with the "wincest" shippers on the forums for fans of Carver Edlund's "Supernatural." Dean finds out.

Envy’s notes: Sam starts reading wincest and then becomes a fanfiction writer because what better way to let all those feelings out?

Well Jung by alwaysthrowsscissors

Summary: The brothers are faced with their broken relationship in the aftermath of Gadreel’s possession and Kevin’s death. In an act of desperation, they go to couple’s therapy to try to work things out. It may bring them closer than they bargained for. This fic starts off funny and becomes more intimate and serious as the boys navigate their first time and process it with their therapist.

Envy’s notes: Sam and Dean go to a couple’s therapist to fix their relationship, they misunderstand some of their therapist’s advice.

Sam’s brow got further and further stitched as he looked at article after article. “She can’t possibly have meant this.”

“What do you mean?"

“It’s all...sex stuff," Sam said, crinkling his nose in disgust.

Baby Bird by TheQuietWings

Summary: Sam is sick, and Dean has some… unconventional methods to make him eat.

Envy’s notes: Dean feeds Sam mouth to mouth. Oddly sweet.

Embarrassing Crushes by Marie_Tomas

Summary: Sam and Dean get drunk and share a few embarrassing stories. When they ask each other about their most embarrassing crushes, the answers that they both give are kind of...surprising.

Envy’s notes: This one is really sweet and I love the way Dean reacts to Sam’s confession.

When This is Over, We Should Really Have Angry Sex by mjlove1 and oulfulsam

Summary: A Wincestous deleted scenes take on "Red Sky At Morning" S3 While Sam Dean & Bela are at the party Sam overhears something that leads to a very jealous miscommunication. Rated M for graphic Wincest in Ch2. 2-shot written w/ the wonderful& talented MJLove

Envy’s notes: Established wincest. Sam overhears what the guard says and thinks Dean actually slept with Bella.

023 – confession by ani_coolgirl

Summary: There are some things you can only say when you're alone. What Sam doesn't realize is that he's not alone.

Envy’s notes: Ghost!Dean hears Sam talking to his comatose body in S2:E01 Time of Dying. Why can they only be sweet to one another when one of them is dying??

Always My Pretty Baby by taiyou_nii_chan

Summary: Sam has always been Dean's "pretty baby" but years have gone by and he hasn't been feeling "pretty" or "a baby" lately. Dean takes care of fixing that.

Envy’s notes: A personal favourite because Sam doesn’t get called pretty enough, it’s always Dean :(

017 – backfire by ani_coolgirl

Summary: Sam gets Dean back for the itching powder. It doesn't quite go like he planned.

Envy’s notes: Sam pranks Dean by making someone think they’re a couple. You can never go wrong with pretend relationship fics.

I Can't Forget the Time or Place Where We Just Met by alwaysthrowsscissors

Summary: Sam and Dean fall asleep on the couch, wake up cursed with amnesia, and assume they're in a relationship. After exploring their surroundings, they can't keep their hands off each other any longer. The curse breaks mid-sex.

Envy’s notes: Another one of my favourite tropes. Both have amnesia and assume they’re a couple.

Hell changes people by blueingaround

Summary: After Sam almost sees Dean die in that barn, he can't quite shake the feeling that something's going to happen if he loses sight of him. He had never wanted to be as close to his brother as now. He can't take his eyes off him. After weeks of recovery, Dean wants to go back to hunting, but Sam wants him to just stay home. He knows the way he feels about his brother is wrong, but after hell, Sam finds it difficult to remember social norms.

aka Sam is struggling after Dean's recovery and they go on a hunt together. Some monster is hunting incestuous couples and some feelings are revealed. They decided to have sex to play bait for the monster and this turns out way more emotional than they both had expected it.

Envy’s notes: Sam has wanted to be closer to Dean ever since going to hell. Here’s one of my favourite pieces of dialogue:

“You're telling me you're fine with incest?”

“As long as no one's getting hurt? Sure.” Sam said, shrugging again.

Dean was silent for a few seconds. Sam turned to look at him and saw his brother with a frown and his mouth slightly open in astonishment.

“You're fucked in the head, Sam.”

“We both are.” He said. “It just seems I'm a little more messed up than you are. But that isn't news.”

Smutty:

Best Brother Ever by Mayalaen

Summary: Prompt fill for the request of Dean/Sam, dirty talk, virgin!Dean, coming untouched, massage, fingering, unexpected orgasm.

Dean is really sore after a hunt, and Sam offers a massage. Dean's first reaction is a big no, but his back is killing him, so he gives in. It turns out Sam's awesome at massages, and Sam knows what will help relax him even more.

Envy’s notes: Sexual healing, literally. Massage fics that lead to more are always great.

State Of Emergency by PerpetualCookie

Summary: Dodgeville, Michigan. January 2000.

The Winchesters get caught in the biggest snowstorm of the winter. Trapped in their motel room by drifts of snow six feet high, they’re more inside of each other’s pockets than normal.

John hears some things he wasn’t meant to hear.

Envy’s notes: Young Sam and Dean have sex while their dad is in the same room. John is not sleeping.

I'll Take Care of You by Katlover98

Summary: Ever since Toni Bevell mind fucked Sam he has had trouble getting it up. Dean tries to help him when he finds out and it leads to sexy time.

Envy’s notes: Dean helps a sexually frustrated Sam.

Every First Time by antarshakes

Summary: It all starts with a threesome, really. It all continues through threesomes. Then, it’s just minus one.

Envy’s notes: A pretty realistic way wincest could happen.

"Handsome, could you show Dean here what kind of kiss really turns a girl on, please?"

Cowboys and Indians by saltandbyrne

Summary: An account of the times Sam jizzed himself while Dean pinned his hands down, starting with a game of cowboys and indians.

Envy’s notes: Who knew a game of cowboys and indians could be so hot?

And the Truth Shall Set You Free by Nutkin

Summary: Sam gets hit with a truth spell, and Dean decides to do some digging. It turns out a surprising number of Sam's most embarrassing fantasies involve Dean. A very toppy Dean.

Envy’s notes: omg I love this one so much. Sam is under a truth spell, Dean asks him what crazy stuff he likes in bed and Sam is just like: you.

"What about me?"

"You on top of me." Sam swallowed, willing it to stop, but the words just kept tumbling out. "You holding me down."

#slash #fanfiction #sam winchester #supernatural #fic rec #fanfiction recommendation #fanfiction recs #dean winchester #sam/dean #sam x dean #wincest #fanfiction rec list #fanfic rec #masterlist

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wyattjohnston · 2 years ago

Text

you always did feel just like home - nathan mackinnon

summary: valorie hadn't meant to be away from nova scotia for so long, and she hadn't meant to immediately insert herself back into nate's life. mysterious how the universe works.

word count: 11,365

warning: not exactly healthy alcohol consumption

note: it is finally time for me to put my money where my mouth is and post my exchange fic instead of just bothering everybody else! this is written for the winter fic exchange 2k23 and i wrote it for cait (hey @blueskrugs that's you)! i hope you like it! thanks to @matthewtkachuk, @comphy-and-cozy @farbutnevergone & @laurenairay who have all provided feedback as this grew to be a lot longer than anticipated.

Valorie hadn’t intended to be late and it meant that she was immediately the centre of attention when she walked into the café. She spotted the table of her friends that was discretely to the side and out of the way, though that discretion flew out the window when Amber and Valorie squealed as they saw each other.

They rushed to close the distance, throwing their arms around one another in a hug that only remained upright because Mike was standing close enough by to keep them that way. Valorie, after pulling away from Amber, greeted Mike with a more subdued but no less friendly hug.

Neither Mike nor Amber were who she’d noticed first, though, because the third person at the table was Nathan MacKinnon and he was a man who was impossible to miss.

Despite how much she wanted to step forward and greet him in the exact same way, Valorie wasn’t sure where the boundaries were, so she opted for saying, “I would have thought you’d be far too good to hang out with us lowly commoners.”

Nate smirked, looking as if he’d been expecting it, but it wasn’t him who spoke next.

“We haven’t seen you half as much as him in the last seven years,” Mike said, thumping his hand across Nate’s broad chest. Valorie was momentarily distracted by just how broad it was; those years had been very good to him.

Mike continued, “Dogg knows where he came from.”

“Yes, yes, I’m the worst,” Valorie said with an eyeroll as she pushed everyone back to their seats. Nate paused for long enough that Valorie greeted him with a hug and a lingering kiss on his cheek.

Valorie sat opposite Nate, tucking her legs underneath her own chair to avoid accidentally entangling them with his—the length of his was a memory firmly engrained in her mind.

Immediately it became clear that the conversation was not going to trend towards the Cup like she’d been hoping. It was far and away the most exciting thing she could think of for any of them to talk about, but she supposed that everyone had had the same thought since Nate arrived back in Nova Scotia.

Instead, Amber lifted Valorie’s wrist to get a closer inspection of the bracelet she was wearing and the boys leant in, too.

“Got to keep the jewellery, I see,” Amber said, her voice slightly awed. Valorie couldn’t blame her.

“Everything but the car,” Valorie said. “It would have been useless up here anyway. Definitely not meant for winter tyres.”

“You should have kept it and flipped it,” Mike said, tapping against the table in thought. “An Audi, wasn’t it?”

“Porsche.”

Mike whistled low and impressed, Nate’s eyebrow twitched—Valorie almost missed it—and he leaned back in his seat. Valorie could only imagine what cars Nate was driving around Colorado or Nova Scotia. As nice as her Porsche was, she was sure it paled in comparison.

Valorie pulled back her hand, hiding it away under the table to stop Amber playing with it any longer.

“You still wear what he bought you?” Nate asked, his voice curiously tight as his eyes flicked between her face and where the bracelet was hidden under the table.

Valorie thought for a moment, cataloguing everything she had put on that morning. “I think everything I’m wearing was a gift from him. It wasn’t a bad break up; no bad memories associated with any of it.”

Until that moment, Valorie had been perfectly comfortable with the idea of it—her entire wardrobe had been bought by her ex so she didn’t have much choice anyway, but under Nate’s careful gaze every inch of fabric felt suffocatingly heavy.

“Why did you break up?” Amber asked. “It sounds perfect.”

“I wanted to come home,” Valorie answered simply, one shoulder rising in a shrug as she tried to casually avoid eye contact with her friends.

“He had enough money; you could have come home whenever you wanted.”

“What? You think I’ve been back, like, twice in seven years because that’s what I wanted?” Valorie asked, somewhat viciously, directing her words and the accompanying glare at Mike. “There was always someone to meet, something to do, somewhere to be and I couldn’t ever get away. I missed home.”

Mike, rightfully chastened, lowered himself down in his chair just enough to let Valorie know he regretted what he’d said. Nate and Amber were sitting in an awkward silence and Valorie had to speak just to move them along.

She continued, “And I was bored as hell. I was asked if I’d be interested in the Real Housewives of Miami reboot and if I stayed much longer I would have said yes just to have something to do.”

Amber’s laugh was raucous, eliciting the same from Valorie, and she said, “You’re too young to be on that show.”

“That’s most of the reason I said no!” Valorie shrieked, still laughing. “That and I was actually a housewife? The other women on that show have, like, careers and are important and aren’t just sitting at home complaining about doing yoga.”

“I’d watch a show that was you doing yoga.”

Three heads turned to Nate, all barking out surprised laughs at his deadpan voice accompanied by the casual expression that remained on his face—almost as if he hadn’t said anything at all.

Mike thumped Nate across the chest, as he’d done earlier, and said, “We all know you would, Nate.”

“That’s really it, though?” Nate pressed on, not even looking at Mike as he thumped him back, “You couldn’t come up with a schedule where you got to come home more?”

“It wasn’t going to work,” Valorie said firmly. Nate tilted his head but was kind enough to not press her any further.

Despite all the talk of Valorie living a lavish lifestyle, when it came to ordering food she was conservative with her money. She didn’t have a choice when that money was coming out of her own, not very large bank account. It didn’t matter in the end, because Nate quickly took over and promised that he’d pay after ordering a ludicrous amount of food all the while flicking his gaze to Valorie every few seconds.

After they’d finished eating—having spent so long that it was clear they were only being allowed to stay because they were with Nate—Mike and Amber hurried off before they were late to see Amber’s parents, leaving Nate and Valorie on the sidewalk out the front.

“Where are you living?” Nate asked, his keys twirling in his hands. “Do you want a ride?”

Valorie nodded, surprised but please, “Oh, yeah, thank you. I’m staying with my parents. They haven’t moved.”

He didn’t say anything as he started moving towards the parking lot behind the café. It hadn’t changed much since they were 16, slowly walking back to Nate’s second-hand truck after a date neither of them really wanted to end.

“You’re back with your parents?”

“I haven’t had a job in seven years, nobody will hire me, and nobody will let me lease a house without pay cheques so…”

“That’s rough.”

“It’s fine,” she insisted. Nate’s face screwed up, so she added, “I still get on with my parents so it’s really fine.”

The Porsche Cayenne he led her to wasn’t so much a surprise, given the dealership that would have jumped at the chance to have one of their vehicles driven by Stanley Cup Champion Nathan MacKinnon—it was, however, a reminder of the 911 she’d left behind in Miami.

Of everything she’d left behind in Miami.

They were sitting in the Cayenne out the front of Valorie’s parents’ house, her hand on the door handle, when Nate said, “I’ve got room at my place if you want it.”

“That’s really sweet of you, Nate,” she smiled back at him, appreciative, “but I don’t have any money to pay rent.”

Valorie opened the door and looked back into the car when she was standing upright, to thank Nate for dropping her off.

“I don’t need rent from you.”

“Nate.”

“Just say the word, Val.”

Moving into one of Nate’s spare bedrooms was easier than Valorie had anticipated; Nate picked her up a few days after he dropped her at her parents’ home in Crichton Park, loaded some bags into the trunk and unloaded them into a bedroom with a lake front view in Grand Lake.

He’d declared that everything in the house was hers if she wanted it and raised a challenging eyebrow when she walked into the wine room and declared that she’d start with the most expensive bottle and work her way down—she knew exactly which one it was, too, even with a cursory glance at the bottles lining the walls.

“It’s probably not as nice where you lived in Miami,” Nate said as he finished the tour.

Valorie laughed, “The lovely Mediterranean Revival home that he gutted and turned into a Hypermodern nightmare so the inside and the outside clashed? The one that didn’t even have a view of the beach? I’ll miss a lot of things about Miami but that house is not one of them.”

“I didn’t know you cared about that stuff.”

“Architecture?” she clarified, waiting for Nate’s slow nod before she shrugged. “I had a lot of time to kill.”

Valorie spent most of that first day on the deck overlooking Grand Lake, it wasn’t quite warm enough for her to venture into the pool, but it was perfect to just sit and watch the water and the occasional jet-skier zip past.

Nate left her to her own devices for what might have been a few hours before he joined her and started asking questions about what she’d like for dinner so that he could head to the store.

“You gonna cook for me, Dogg?” Valorie asked, tilting her head over the back of the chair so that she could see Nate properly. “What if I want risotto?”

There was a brief moment where it looked like Nate’s brain short-circuited before he collected himself and said, “I can offer you steak or chicken breast. Salad or vegetables.”

“So many options,” Valorie said, a small laugh in her voice, as she pushed herself off the chair. “If you cook the steak, I’ll make the salad.”

“Sorry, there aren’t more options.”

“Two more than I’d be able to offer.”

The admission didn’t seem to surprise Nate, who just accepted what Valorie had said without question—Mike and Amber had surely passed on a few things about Valorie’s time in Miami and the chef she had was one of their favourite thing to bring up.

Valorie used Nate going to the store as an opportunity to wander through the house. It wasn’t as large as she was expecting, so it didn’t take very long at all—especially not when she avoided Nate’s bedroom out of respect for his privacy. She opened every cupboard in the kitchen, just to make sure she knew where everything was kept, and then unloaded the dishwasher when it beeped at her incessantly. In the fridge was an open bottle of sparkling red wine, so Valorie helped herself to a glass on the balcony while she waited for Nate to return.

The calmness of Nova Scotia was something Valorie had forgotten she’d missed until she was back; even in the height of summer, with the excitement of the Cup coming back, she was more relaxed than she’d ever been in Miami.

When Nate returned Valorie greeted him with a big smile as she raised the wine she’d poured herself—her second of the afternoon—and he returned it without hesitation.

She continued to drink as they made dinner, her easy and boring salad taking no time at all, and Nate cracked a beer while he grilled and then opened a new bottle of wine for them as they ate on the balcony overlooking the lake as the sun slowly began to set.

Despite the view she had—she’d been staring at it all day, after all—Valorie couldn’t help but watch Nate as he ate, mostly scrutinising the lines of his face that were so much different to what she once knew.

“You keep looking at me like you don’t believe I exist,” Nate said. Valorie didn’t even flinch; another two glasses of wine making her particularly carefree.

“I don’t know if I do,” she admitted, sighing as she realised that even his voice had changed. “I’ve seen you on the TV and in photos and everything but for the past seven years the image of you in my head has always been you the last summer I saw you. You were a kid and now you’re a man and I really don’t know how to deal with that.”

“Yeah,” Nate agreed, his voice a lot softer and more serious than it had been. “I know. I get it.”

Amber and Mike came over to spend time on the lake not too long into Valorie’s time with Nate. It was a perfect day, which Valorie had come to expect, and being out on the Sea Doos was the perfect way to spend it.

It was nice to have company.

Nate had taken to visiting his parents’ house if he was going to see them. He always offered for Valorie to join him, but that felt like it was encroaching on boundaries she wasn’t even sure they’d set. She’d tried, though, to get him to invite them over only to be met with a shake of the head—maybe he was worried about different boundaries being breached. Valorie didn’t know.

Amber and Mike were good company, at least. Valorie was always happy that Amber had stuck by her even when she wasn’t around. Mike… Mike she could take or leave depending on the day.

“Why’d you really leave what’s-his-face?” Mike asked, apropos of nothing and a few beers deep.

Amber glared at him, though it went unnoticed. Nate sat up a little straighter and Valorie couldn’t work out if it was Mike-related or Nick-related.

“I already told you,” Valorie said, forcing a polite twinge into her voice even if she was dreading whatever might come next.

“Yeah, but there’s gotta be more to it,” Mike argued.

“Why?”

“I love this place, but if Amber wanted to move to, I don’t know, LA and never come back I’d do it in a heartbeat. And with the money you had? Easiest decision I’ll ever make.”

“He doesn’t want kids,” she relented, though it was not without steeliness as she tried to put a definitive end to the topic. “No amount of money was worth not being a mom.”

“That’s some serious self-control,” Mike said, shaking his head almost as if he was in awe. “I can think of a lot of things I’d give up for the life you were living.”

“It’s all Valorie ever wanted,” Nate said, his voice deep and low. “She was born to be a mom.”

Valorie’s gaze moved slowly to Nate as she replayed the words in her mind. He hadn’t moved from how he’d been sitting at the start of the conversation, hadn’t even looked away from Mike. She wanted him to look at her, to make eye contact to be able to get a read on him; to see if the skip it caused in her heartbeat was for an actual reason.

“It took you seven years with this guy to work out you were on a different page?” Mike asked incredulously, earning a half-hearted shrug from Valorie who looked back to him with hesitation.

“He said he was undecided. I loved him, you know? I was willing to wait it out in the hopes that kids would be on the table.”

Mike then agreed, “I’d wait seven years if I spent the entire time being a trophy wife.”

“It wasn’t about all the material possessions,” she snapped. “I know that’s what it looked like, but I’m upset you all think I’m a gold digger.”

“If the Louboutins fit,” Mike said with an eyebrow waggle.

“We know you aren’t a gold digger,” Amber said, finally, and firmly, contributing to the conversation, “or you wouldn’t have come back.”

Mike leaned back in his chair, pointed up at Nate’s house watching over them and said, rather loudly, “Right into Nate’s sweet digs.”

His loudness was met with silence, thick and tense, and the three people that stared at him didn’t seem to bother him at all.

“Do you even like me, Mike?” Valorie asked, tired.

“Come on, Val. I’m just joking around.” He added, after a hearty hunk across the back of the head courtesy of Nate, “I’ll cool it.”

The weather had turned quite quickly and quite dramatically—what had been the perfect weather the week prior had turned so miserable that Valorie was looking out the floor to ceiling windows as if her death stare could part the black clouds.

Nate was somewhere on the island doing something hockey related that he’d told Valorie about the night before while she was half asleep on the couch, so she was, once again, left in the house to her own devices.

A second car had appeared in the garage a couple of days after her arrival and Nate had assured her that she could drive it whenever she needed; Valorie was going to avoid driving it as long as she could.

The wine room was taking more of a hit than Valorie had expected when she’d joked with Nate about drinking it all; she had very few places to go, and her mother was more than happy to drive to Grand Lake to pick her up if there were family plans so she rarely had to drive, so the day drinking was getting more out of hand than she wanted to admit. It was a similar problem to Miami, she was realising, but Nate’s house wasn’t filled with quite so many time-wasting objects and there was only so much baking she could do when Nate rarely had any visitors.

Her response to the door opening had become Pavlovian, especially since being confined inside by the rain. Valorie was on her feet, pretending to walk to the kitchen to refill her glass of red, so that she’d be able to start a conversation with Nate when he walked in.

Only, it wasn’t Nate.

“Uh… Sidney. Hi. Nate’s not here. I’m Valorie—Val,” she said, all in a rush, putting her glass on the counter and desperately hoping she didn’t have red teeth.

“Nice to see you again, Val,” Sidney said, polite and friendly. “Nate told me to let myself in; he’ll be back soon.”

The shock and awe Valorie felt being around Sidney—Sid—had disappeared after exactly one summer of learning that he was nowhere near as cool as she had built him up to be. That being said, she had not expected him to remember her for a second.

“Do you want some cookies?” she asked, quickly, noticing that Sid was hovering uncertainly. “I made way too many.”

Sid smiled, nodded, and sat down at one of the bar stools on the other side of the counter while Valorie plated up an assortment of ginger snaps, Florentines, sugar cookies and Afghan biscuits all while trying not to let the wine she’d been drinking rattle her.

“Killing the boredom of being stuck inside all day?” Sid asked, drawing the plate towards him and inspecting his choices as if she was going to stop him at one.

“It’s what I do and what I’ve done for years now.” Valorie shrugged. “I drink and I bake.”

“I hope you don’t mind if I say that sounds… underwhelming.”

“Oh, no!” Valorie gasped instantly. “I mean, I got really into yoga and reading, too. I wasn’t just some boozy housewife. I love to bake, though. I could do it all day. Wine?”

Sid agreed to a glass, and Valorie pretended that she didn’t know he was doing it so she wouldn’t be drinking alone.

“Are you happy to be back here? Back home?” Sid asked around a not-yet-finished mouthful of ginger snap. “You’ve been gone a long time.”

It was, to say the least, unnerving to have Sidney Crosby—anybody, really—sitting across from her and calling her out for being gone. They weren’t friends, like Amber and Mike, or whatever else, like Nate, and she couldn’t wrap her head around why he would care to bring it up.

She took a healthy sip of her wine, savouring the taste for longer than was strictly necessary and said, “I was always trying to get back. It just never… It was hard to get away. I’m glad to be back.”

“I’m sure the island is happy to have you back,” he said, removing the unease in Valorie’s stomach flawlessly as he looked out over the deck to the lake. “Sorry the weather didn’t hold up for you.”

“It was nice for a while,” she conceded, following Sid’s eyes, “and at least it’s the same all day. I was really not impressed by Miami deciding there was a torrential downpour every afternoon after the perfect morning. Seven years there and I never got used to it.”

Valorie moved their conversation to the couch, carrying the wine with her while Sid carried the cookies he was slowly making his way through. She let Sid talk about his off-season plans, to what he’d already done since returning to Nova Scotia, noting that he was absolutely downplaying the vacation he and Kathy had taken and skipping over the extraordinarily nice or expensive parts. She loved Antigua, knew it inside and out, but was happy to let Sid tell her what he thought was appropriate—he may have been happy to ask her why she’d been gone so long but it was clear not much more information than that had made it his way.

By the time Nate was home—his definition of ‘soon’ stretching Valorie’s just a little—she was desperate to just be anywhere that wasn’t near anyone, not just Sid and the way he knew too much yet absolutely nothing. She excused herself within moments to use the bathroom, heading downstairs to her ensuite.

On her way down the staircase, she heard, the beginning of their conversation:

“Val was just filling me in on her time in Miami.”

“She really enjoyed it, right? It sounds great.”

“That’s… one way to put it.”

Walking through Halifax with Nate by her side was an experience. He’d mentioned it in passing, that people were more interested in him than normal, but Valorie hadn’t taken it to mean it was quite so relentless.

Kids wanted their jerseys autographed, everyone wanted a photo and every other person wanted to stand there on the street with Nate and listen to him recount his entire career from Bantam to what training he’d been doing since he got back to Nova Scotia.

Their trip into Halifax had been for no reason other than the sudden realisation by Nate that Valorie hadn’t left the house in an alarming amount of time outside of her new part-time job at one of the local hobby stores, so it wasn’t like the constant stopping was preventing them from doing anything in particular.

It was, however, resulting in Valorie entering a lot of stores that she otherwise had no intention of going into just so that people could gush over Nate. And at least one purchase of a dress she didn’t need.

One person who stopped them was a classmate from high school who stopped them to question Valorie about her disappearance just as much as she stopped to gush over Nate. Valorie didn’t even remember her name and the woman hadn’t taken the time to introduce herself.

“It’s so cute that you’re back for Nate, though,” she said. “I always knew you guys would end up in the same place.”

“Well, that place is home for us, so.”

“Oh, I know, but I heard all about you in Miami and obviously Nate’s making magic in Denver so it’s just nice to see you two in the same place again.”

“Yeah, it’s great,” Nate said, nodding even as he was subtly moving out of her way and directing Valorie in the same direction. “We’ve gotta head off, though. It was great to see you again.”

“Of course, sorry! You must be so busy! We should definitely catch up!”

There was more nodding and agreeing as they walked past her, Valorie checking back over her shoulder quickly in one last attempt to help her remember?”

“What was her name?” she asked Nate when they were well out of earshot.

Nate admitted easily, his face lighting up with a guilty smile, “No fucking idea.”

Valorie walked into him as she laughed, unable to control herself as it erupted from her mouth. Nate laughed, too, the guilt shifting from his face and they were holding each other up on the sidewalk as they struggled to breath.

The laughter continued, albeit subdued, as they made their way to the one thing they’d agreed upon getting: ice cream. It was an otherwise peaceful work, seemingly already having run into everyone who wanted a few minutes of Nate’s time.

Being out in public with Nate was different to being alone with him at home, Valorie noticed, and it was different to how they’d been as teenagers. He always carried himself with a confidence that was beyond him in years, almost a quiet arrogance as he always knew where he was going to end up—Valorie would have given anything to know when the arrogance disappeared. Was it because of the Cup win? His accomplishment proof enough that he was everything he ever said he was going to be. Was it seasons earlier when it didn’t look as clear?

At the ice cream shop, Nate ordered Butterscotch ripple and then laughed under his breath as Valorie ordered Maple Walnut.

“Why is that funny?”

“You’re so Canadian.”

Noting the children around, Valorie glared at him, mouthing ‘fuck you’ before she continued out loud, “I’m going to enjoy all the maple flavoured things. You can’t stop me.”

“I wouldn’t dare. I will laugh at you, though.”

They sat on a table out the front, Nate saying hello to a few starstruck kids as they did so.

“What are you staring at?” Valorie asked, her cheeks warming up under Nate’s watchful eye.

“Just wanted to see if you were still a psycho who bites their ice cream.”

Valorie made direct eye contact with him and bit into the top of her ice cream, causing Nate to shudder dramatically.

Halifax was bustling in a way that Valorie had never seen. The decision to not have the parade in Cole Harbor was purposeful, a clear differentiation from Sid’s parades and a nice thank you to Halifax for his time with the Mooseheads.

She made her way through the crowd unimpeded, even as she headed towards the rooftop she’d been told to head to near the end of the parade route, overlooking City Hall.

Nate had let Valorie know that it was where Sid would be, hidden out of sight—a decision he’d made himself. He hadn’t even relented when Nate, drunkenly, begged him to be beside him; Valorie was grateful that Sid had the awareness to decline.

Sid was already at the rooftop with Kathy, set up with a table, chairs and some food and drink to get them through the parade and the speech Nate was going to give after.

“I hope it’s okay that I’m here,” Valorie said sheepishly, unsure if Nate had told them she’d be there. “This is where they sent me.”

“More than okay.” Sid pulled up a chair from the group of them nearby. “You didn’t want to be down there with him?”

Valorie stepped to the edge of the roof, taking in the swathes of people lined along the streets. Sid and Kathy were both watching her curiously as she turned back to them and took a seat, putting Sid in the middle.

“It wouldn’t feel right. Nate and I aren’t anything, you know.”

“That’s not true, though, is it?” Sid asked. “Or you’d be in the crowd, not up here.”

Valorie froze in her seat, only her eyes moving to follow Sid’s hand as it disappeared beside him and came back with a cooler bag that he pulled wine from.

“Do you moonlight as a shrink?”

“For Nate, yeah, I feel like I do.” He carried on, no beats missed, “I don’t have red, will white do?”

It played in her mind as she drank her wine and ate from the platter that had been set up. Nate hadn’t offered for her to be by his side—she would have turned it down immediately even if he had—and when he’d suggested she sit with Sid it felt, to her, that was the next best thing.

She wasn’t overly talkative during the wait, choosing to just stare out over the edge of the roof at the other side of the street and the people who were in nearly chaotically good spirits. She was hearing vague parts of the conversations Sid and Kathy were having, and answering questions when asked, but for the most part she was lost in the magic of the Stanley Cup being back in Nova Scotia.

Valorie had been in Cole Harbour for Sid’s 2009 Cup Parade as a small and spindly 13-year-old, watching the Cup from a distance.

That morning she’d been able to run her fingers across the engraved names.

“Is it the happiest you’ve ever been?” Valorie asked, not even bothering to quieten her voice so that Kathy wouldn’t hear. “He doesn’t talk about it as much as I thought he would.”

Sid shifted his entire body to face her and Valorie immediately felt like she was about to get a talking to; she forced herself not to shrink.

“If you want him to talk about it you have to let him know he can. I promise you he won’t shut up about it.”

“Oh. Does he think I don’t care? That’s not true,” she said, worried. “I don’t want him to think I don’t care.”

The timing was on point for the parade to enter their vision, no longer just the distant sound of the band. Even as Valorie continued to think about the possibility that Nate didn’t know how much she cared about what he’d achieved, she couldn’t help but be delighted by the sight of Gabe and Cogs very, very drunk in the first carriage that came through.

When Nate came clearly into view, the Cup held high above his head, Valorie felt her heart swell and tears prick the corners of her eyes.

“It is,” Sid said, barely audible over the band and the crowd. “The happiest I’ve ever been.”

Nate had a million things planned for the rest of his day; had a lot of people to introduce the Cup to. Long after he had disappeared from the parade and after the streets of Halifax started to clear, Valorie remained on the roof with Sid and Kathy, swapping stories until their skin was turning pink.

The fact that Sid remembered her, let alone willing to talk with her like an old friend, was still very much blowing Valorie’s mind but it wasn’t something she was going to draw attention to lest it ruin the chill vibe they’d settled into.

They walked to the bar where the party would really kick off, Sid easily blending into the small crowds still milling around Halifax—the occasional person shouting at him, at everyone near them, at the wind. The excitement felt like it was never going to leave.

Waiting for Nate felt like an age, somehow felt even longer than all seven years Valorie had been away. Maybe it was sitting beside an already very drunk Mike, or maybe it was the intense anticipation coursing through her because she knew that Nate could walk through the doors with the Stanley Cup at any moment.

Maybe it was that she was pulled into a conversation with Gabe Landeskog who looked only marginally more sober than he had in the carriage; the beers he was double fisting were sure to fix that.

“Long time no see, Valorie,” he said, his tone giving no indication whether that was good or bad. “All the way back at Nate’s first game, right?”

Valorie was hesitant to respond, and opted for an honest, “That was the only one I got to, yes.”

“He missed you a lot that year.” Gabe paused to drink from one of his beers and Valorie waited for the rest of the thought. “The year after, too, but different.”

“I missed him, too,” Valorie admitted readily; that wasn’t something she’d ever been shy about.

Gabe nodded at her, then raised his chin to say hello to someone who had just walked into the room—it wasn’t Nate, Val checked—and then put his beers down on the table between them so that he could collapse into the empty seat.

“It’s good you’re back together. He’s really happy about it.”

“We’re not—he’s happy because he’s done the one thing you guys aim to do. He’s beaten the final boss. The Elite Four were no match for you guys.”

“No, no, sure he’s happy about that.” Gabe insisted, “It’s a different happy now. A more complete happy.”

“I don’t think you’re making any sense. You should go drink some water.”

Gabe protested, downing one of the beers in a matter of seconds as if that would prove he didn’t need water. Her lip quirked up at the action, both from amusement and bemusement.

Nate finally walked in, well after everyone else was a few drinks in and getting rowdy. His arrival increased the already loud bar enough to make Valorie cover one of her ears while raising the other into the air as she joined the hollering.

Nate finally walked in, well after everyone else was a few drinks in and getting rowdy. His arrival made it worse in that the noise levels were high enough to make Valorie cover one of her ears while raising the other into the air as she joined the hollering.

He and the Cup were moved around the room like he was in a pinball machine, from person to person, from shot glass to shot glass, until at last he was in front of her. The Cup had been deposited somewhere else in the room and Valorie didn’t care enough to locate it; after all, she wasn’t there to see the Stanley Cup.

With a lack of hesitation that couldn’t even be passed off on any drinking she’d been doing, Valorie threw herself at Nate, overcome by the need to make sure he knew she cared about what he’d achieved.

Nate wasn’t immediately ready for it, Valorie’s arms around his neck as she pulled him closer, but he soon realised what was happening and moved his arms around her waist to pull her off the ground.

“I’m so proud of you,” she said, breathless and rushed into his ear. “You’re so good at—at hockey and at knowing me and at taking care of me. But hockey, Nate. I want to hear all about it, okay? Probably tomorrow so I can appreciate it, but I do. I watched it. All six games. I cried I was so proud of you. I am so proud of you. You’re so good.”

“You watched?” he asked back, his warm breath brushing over her own ear and causing her to pull back with her head tilted and her face contorted.

“Yes, Nate. Of course. I thought you knew. I didn’t think I had to tell you.”

Nate pulled her back in, his face buried in her neck. The room may as well have been empty with the way all of Valorie’s senses honed in on Nate—he’d showered before coming, put on cologne that made her head spin, and his warm breath fanned across her neck which made the spinning worse.

If a loud, roaring round of applause hadn’t broken out, Valorie could have stayed pressed against him all night. As it were, though, she pulled back in a dramatic fashion and put a reasonable distance between them before contributing to the clapping—putting gross enthusiasm into it.

Nate laughed, then made a few embarrassed gestures of acknowledgement, before accepting a beer that was being handed to him.

Valorie disappeared, leaving Nate to be bounced around the room again, and hid away with Amber and Mike. They were good and spoke to their other high school friends, all of whom were surprised to see Valorie in the flesh. Luckily for her, the Cup was more than enough of a distraction from any of them asking her what she’d been up to while she was gone.

As the night grew later, it became very clear that Nate’s long day was catching up with him. He was trying, valiantly, to be the last person kicking at the bar, though his demeanour was getting progressively testier as time passed.

“I’m gonna head out. Do you want to come or stay?” she asked, brushing her hand gently over Nate’s shoulders.

“You’re leaving?” he asked, sullen, his arm snaking around her waist and pulling her towards his chair. “You should stay.”

“Amber’s driving me home—if I leave you here can you get home?”

“You should stay,” he repeated, eliciting a laugh from the group he was sitting with.

Valorie laughed with them and ran her hand over his head, insisting that she was leaving whether or not he was coming with her. He hummed, resigned, but let her go so that she could follow Amber outside.

Valorie waited against the wall outside, her head resting back against the cool brick, while Amber went to get her car—Mike went with Amber, mostly because Valorie refused to be the one responsible for him keeping to the sidewalk and off the road.

The door opened and Valorie turned her head, expecting to just wave to somebody as they left, and was surprised to see Nate stepping out.

“Everything alright? You coming home?” she asked, reaching out to him without a second thought. Nate went to her easily.

“I’m going to stay for a bit longer,” he said, standing in front of her. He wasn’t boxing her into the bricks but he was definitely close enough that it wouldn’t take much at all to get there—Valorie thought it would be nice if he did.

“Why are you out here, then?” she asked, her fingers resting in his belt loops.

“I need to…”

Nate didn’t finish his sentence, just lowered his head little by little. Valorie tilted her chin up, pushing back against the wall to get a bit more height.

He wasn’t the same Nate she’d kissed at eighteen—he was broader, bigger in every sense and it was intoxicating to be pressed against the wall by the Nate she’d come to learn. In her mind she was expecting desperation, a need to make up for lost time. It didn’t come, though, and yet Valorie still felt lightheaded when he broke their kiss.

“Will you be in my bed when I get home?”

Valorie scoffed, a little disappointed, “Nate.”

“Not for like—I just want you there. I always want you there.”

She breathed out an “okay”, and kissed him again before sending him back inside to be with his lingering friends.

When he was gone and her head was clearer, Valorie opened her eyes and jumped off the wall at the sight of Amber’s car in front of her and Mike hanging out the passenger’s window.

She pushed Mike back into the car on her way to the backseat, asking before she even sat down, “How long were you there for?”

“Saw it all, babe,” Amber said, beaming into the rear-view mirror. “Never been happier to roll up on two people hooking up outside a bar.”

Valorie knew the second she woke up that things were different. The most immediately apparent difference was the snoring coming from beside her, accompanied by the warmth of an arm over her waist and a chest pressed against her back. Even the mattress underneath her felt different.

Then there was the fact that Nate had kissed her the night before, the catalyst for the other changes she supposed.

It wasn’t a bad different was her first major takeaway, and she relaxed back into the mattress. She couldn’t just lay there forever but she could for a little longer and enjoy the all-encompassing presence of Nate.

She had a fair idea of what time he usually woke up but couldn’t translate that into what might happen when he was hungover—which he was sure to be, and she couldn’t begrudge him that—so after lying in long enough that an ache started to settle in her sides, Valorie pulled herself out of Nate’s embrace and decided to start making breakfast.

Nothing fancy, of course, but she could whip up bacon and eggs and put some pods in a Nespresso machine without too much hassle. She hoped that the smell of food would wake him up, whether he was up to eating it or not and her hope was fulfilled when he wandered out while she was eating her own plate.

“You told me you couldn’t cook,” Nate said, dropping an easy kiss onto Valorie’s head as he passed her to the kitchen.

“I can use a fry pan.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

Eating across from Nate, with him smiling at her in a way he hadn’t since her return, was exactly what Valorie had been after and hadn’t known. Listening to him tell her all about the things she’d missed when he was off doing Stanley Cup things and filling him in in return. Everything he said was perfect and when he moved into telling her about the Cup win itself—“You have to do it again so I can be there.”

“I’ll give it my best go.”

Valorie grinned, picturing it all in her head. She held the image in her mind as she cleared the table and it all came crashing back down when she looked at Nate over the kitchen counter as she realised that their future relied on them talking about the new state of their relationship.

“We probably need to have a conversation or two,” Valorie said hesitantly, eyeing Nate over her coffee to check for any reaction at all. When he didn’t so much as blink, she added, “It’s just been like… six weeks and I don’t actually know what we are to each other.”

He wasn’t pleased, mumbling, “Do we have to have that conversation?”

“If we’re going where I want us to, then yeah, Nate.”

That caught his attention enough to have him properly look at her, no longer buried in his coffee. His question came slow and unsure, yet simultaneously hopeful, “Where do you want us to go?”

“I want us to be together again.”

His previously wary face transformed into a smile, small and barely noticeable. Valorie smiled back at him as she continued to drink her coffee. She didn’t know how to start whatever conversation it was that they needed to have—conversations were one of their strong suits as teenagers, Valorie was able to frame things in the perfect way or ask just the right questions to get Nate talking.

Just as she was trying to come up with a way to get him talking, Nate was the one who spoke first.

“Why’d you move to Miami with him?”

Valorie froze. It made sense, in hindsight, that Nate would be the one leading the conversation when she was the one who’d left, and yet it was still like being doused in cold water to have the question asked of her so directly.

She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat, and provided the simplest explanation she had, “I thought I was going to marry him.”

“I thought you were going to marry me.”

“Obviously that didn’t happen, Nate.”

“Yeah,” he said, because it was entirely obvious that it hadn’t happened and the look on his face showed that he didn’t like to be reminded of it. “And I’m still trying to work out why.”

“Nate, it was seven years ago.” She added, stressed, “We were kids.”

“I still don’t know why you broke up with me, Valorie.”

“Valorie?” she all but screeched, her full name coming from his lips sending a horrible quake down her spine and through her body.

Nate powered on, “You broke up with me and you left and to this day I don’t know why that was.”

“I wasn’t happy, Nate.”

The abrupt silence was worse than the conversation. Valorie sat there, wishing she could take back those four little words—she would if she’d known just how instantly Nate would close up.

His entire face, which had at least been showing his unhappiness and discomfort, was no longer telling her a single thing about how he was feeling. Except with that, she knew exactly how he was feeling.

She opened her mouth, ready to try and do damage control, to try to take it back so that he wouldn’t look like that, except not a single word came out.

Nate beat her to it, though, the sadness gone from his face but still very present in his voice. “Why didn’t you talk to me? I know that the long distance wasn’t great—why didn’t you talk to me?”

“None of it was your fault, Nate,” Valorie stressed, reaching across the table towards him even though he was out of reach. “You were the best thing I had going at the time. I couldn’t keep a job and I couldn’t continue with college because I kept failing the classes and I needed to leave so that I could work on all of that and not drag you down with me.”

“Did it work?”

“Yeah, over the next twelve months I learnt a lot, I grew a lot. I actually was going to ask if you wanted to try again when we were both back here the next summer, but you brought a girlfriend.”

“Rachel.”

“She was lovely,” Valorie said, truthfully.

“Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“And fuck up the thin hold you had on your mental health by dragging you down with my problems?”

“Breaking up with me and then ghosting me did a pretty good job of that.”

Valorie finally pulled her hands back to her lap, knowing that that one sentence was a sure sign that Nate wasn’t going to hold them. Him leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest made it even clearer.

She didn’t know what to say, no amount of explaining was going to be enough and she didn’t want him to think she was making excuses. At the time it had felt like the right thing to do, breaking up with him without any real reason, in the years that had past she’d come to her own realisations that maybe it wasn’t.

Nate’s voice was gruff when he asked, “When did you meet Nick?”

“The first year I was gone…” Valorie said with a sigh. “Sometime in early 2015. Before I came back that summer. We weren’t together at that point because I thought… I thought we—” she gestured between herself and Nate “—could try again. But you know…”

“Rachel,” Nate filled in, uncrossing his arms.

“Rachel. So I went back to Miami, I found Nick because he’d been good to me while I was there but we’re here now anyway. You and me.”

He nodded, still expressionless. Valorie’s leg twitched under the table, up and down repetitively, as she tried to will herself to let Nate be the next person to speak.

“You and me?” he asked, after a long silence.

“If you still want me.”

Nate sighed, pushing his chair back and standing. Valorie watched him, worried that he was going to walk away from the table—from their conversation. He walked around the table towards her, though, and Valorie didn’t have to be told to stand and meet him halfway.

Nate didn’t have anything special planned for his birthday, much to Valorie’s horror. He was going to see his family for lunch—with an invite extended to Valorie which she was more than happy to accept. She couldn’t help but laugh when she arrived and saw Sid and Kathy sitting at the table on the back porch.

“You’re almost like a second father,” Valorie joked, in lieu of a proper greeting. “You’re just everywhere. All Nate’s big moments.”

“I’m really not that old,” Sid argued.

“I was thirteen when I watched you bring the Cup to Cole Harbour. That makes you pretty old.”

He scoffed, “I turned 22 that year.”

Valorie hummed and nodded knowingly, “Old.”

She watched him roll his eyes, noting the affection on his face, and moved on to greet Kathy properly.

It was, otherwise, an uneventful lunch. Valorie was appreciative of the invite, more than pleased to finally be with Nate’s family—back with Nate’s family, and being treated as if she’d never left in the first place. Her smile was ever present, only growing as she watched Nate shift uncomfortably while Happy Birthday was sung at him. Especially when she knew she was going to sing it at him again that evening.

They stayed there until late in the afternoon and Valorie tried not to let her impatience show because she liked spending time with his family, with Sid and Kathy, but she had plans for dinner that she didn’t want to mess up. Nate knew, though, at least vaguely, so they left early enough that Valorie could relax.

When they got home, she banished him to his bedroom so that she could start to cook and set the table with the fancy table setting she’d bought the day before. She was meticulous about their dinner, returning to the recipe far more than was probably necessary to ensure that it was exactly how it needed to be, and felt a true sense of pride as it all came together.

“Can I come back out?” Nate asked, still hidden behind the wall.

Valorie looked around her, taking in the pan she was using and the cleanliness of the kitchen before she told him that he could.

He bypassed the set table, walked straight towards her, and peered over her shoulder to see what she was cooking. His laugh was gentle and sincere.

“Are you making me risotto?”

“I’ve been practising,” she admitted. “When I went to Amber’s the other day we did a test run and it was actually pretty good!”

She giggled as Nate pulled her back from the stove and turned her around, kissing her so sweetly that she nearly melted into a puddle at his feet.

The whole shop stood still, except for the large bouquet of roses that was being walked to the counter; a deep red expertly pruned and assembled. Valorie knew exactly who they were from before they had even reached her.

Everyone huddled around the vase, customers included, as it was set down on the counter in front of Valorie. She knew who they were from without even looking at the note they came with, but there was a sudden hush when her co-worker read out the note on the card: Happy Birthday, mi amor. Love always, Nick.

“You sure that says Nick?” one of their customers asked—Valorie vaguely recognised her from school, though she was positive they hadn’t been in the same year. “Not Nate?”

“I mean—”

Valorie snatched the note more aggressively than she’d intended, saying, “Nick is a friend.”

The side eyes she got from both the customer and her co-worker were far from subtle but Valorie just buried the note in her pocket and carried the vase into the back room.

They—like everything Nick bought her—were gorgeous. He had somehow managed to send her the most perfect roses from Florida and she didn’t want to think about how much money had gone into them. Every day with Nick was filled with unnecessary luxuries and that only increased tenfold on her birthday.

Until the roses came along, Valorie’s day had been uneventful. She woke up early enough for her half-day shift at the hobby store—granted to her by her boss who was horrified that she hadn’t already asked for the whole day—and discovered that Nate was already awake and making her breakfast, and he planned on driving her into Halifax.

It was the most thoughtful gift she’d received in years.

He picked her up after her shift—and after her co-worker tried not so slyly to ask more questions about the roses—and Valorie was met with a bouquet of flowers as she opened the passenger’s side door. She rushed to sit in the car, pushing the vase of roses between her feet on the floor and reaching for the pink hydrangeas Nate held.

“Oh, they’re beautiful,” she gushed, hugging them to her chest as she inhaled. “Did you have to ask someone about my favourite flower or did you just remember?”

Nate mumbled, “Remembered.”

“I can’t believe it, that’s incredible.” She leaned across the centre console to kiss him and got his cheek when he turned his head but she was too distracted by the flowers to notice. “Should I look into the meaning behind these or are they just beautiful?”

Nate started the engine, keeping his eyes firmly on the road in front of him, and Valorie tried not to read into his tense jaw. Or the way he moved his hand to the steering wheel when she tried to hold it over the gearshift.

“Who did the roses come from?” he asked as they pulled into his garage after a painfully silent car ride.

She answered, cautiously, “Nick.”

“How does he know where you work?”

“I don’t know? Insta? I don’t care about the roses, you bought me hydrangeas.”

Nate only said, “okay” before he got out of the car and left Valorie sitting in it by herself. She watched him walk into the house with slumped shoulders and an aching chest before she tried to manoeuvre herself out of the car with the vase of roses and the very large bouquet of hydrangeas.

She put the roses on the kitchen counter and then scoured Nate’s cupboards for a vase so she could put the hydrangeas at the centre of the dining table. She passed Nate on the couch as she walked to the stairs, leaning down to kiss the top of his head and thank him as she did so.

Valorie tried to put it to the back of her mind as she got ready for her birthday plans—Amber had planned a whole afternoon and evening for her and Valorie had been planning her outfit for a week. It wasn’t going to be as extravagant as anything she’d done in Miami, which she’d assured Amber was more than fine, but it was her first birthday in Nova Scotia in years and her first birthday back with her best friend so she was going to make the most of it.

Putting it to the back of her mind worked well until she ascended the stairs and saw that Nate hadn’t moved from his position on the couch.

“Amber and Mike will be here soon—are you ready?”

Nate sunk further into the couch, his arms crossed tightly over his chest and his chin nearly buried into them which led to a mumbled, “I’m not really feeling it; you have fun.”

“You’re not feeling it?” she asked, hating the way her voice cracked in time with the crack in her heart. “It’s my birthday?”

“You go have fun,” he said, still into his arms. “Don’t worry about me.”

Valorie had never felt more pathetic, standing behind Nate when he wouldn’t even look at her, dressed up in one of the nicest she’d brought with her from Miami and had taken so much care with her make-up—not dressed up entirely for Nate but she definitely wanted him to at least look at her. Maybe even appreciate the effort she had gone to.

“Nate, I—I want you there,” Valorie said weakly, moving closer to him to see if she could get him to turn around. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just don’t want to go out again today.”

Valorie gave up with one last desperate look at Nate and she walked immediately through the front door to wait on the doorstep for Amber and Mike. She wasn’t going to cry about it, even if the furious blinking was barely stopping her—before Amber and Mike pulled up she pulled on her sunglasses and took some deep, centring breaths.

When Amber and Mike did pull up, this time with Amber hanging out the passenger’s side window and jumping out to pull Valorie into a tight hug as she screamed Happy Birthday in her ear, Valorie’s smile was genuine.

At least, it was until she climbed into the passenger’s seat at Amber’s insistence and they sat in the car for a few moments in silence.

“We can go,” she said, hoping that the crack in her voice wasn’t noticeable to anyone but herself.

“What about Nate?”

“I don’t want to talk about Nate.”

“I’ll fight him if you want me to,” Mike offered, completely sincerely, reaching down to unbuckle his seatbelt. “Can’t promise I’ll win but I’ll give it a go.”

“I don’t know what’s gotten into him and I don’t want to think about it for the rest of the day.”

Not thinking about it for the rest of the day was much easier said than done. It put a clear damper on the mood despite the smile Valorie was forcing into her face. For a few blissful moments she did forget, was able to just enjoy the company she was with and the drinks in front of her—and then it all came crashing back down on her with a heartbreaking thud.

Amber tried to talk about, to get an explanation as to why Valorie was upset and Nate wasn’t around and each time she was shut down by Valorie repeating that she didn’t want to talk about it and that she just wanted to enjoy her birthday.

There wasn’t much enjoyment happening, though, with Valorie staring morosely into every rum and coke she was drinking. They’d had Happy Hour cocktails, eaten some of the best steaks Valorie had ever come across and moved on to another bar to continue their night—it was everything Valorie hadn’t realised she missed and it was still being ruined by Nate.

Amber tried again, waiting until Valorie’s glass was empty, and Valorie reacted by standing up and saying that she needed some fresh air. When Amber tried to follow her, Valorie insisted that she was going alone.

Although Valorie had decided to go outside just to get away from any more questions, the fresh air did help. She hadn’t quite realised just how much the alcohol had gone to her head until she was confronted by the breeze coming off the river.

She rested her forehead against the cool bricks of the external walls, her arms crossed above her head, and counted her breaths in and out.

“Val?”

Valorie whipped around, her forehead and forearms scraping against the bricks, and was met with Nate’s concerned face.

“Thought you didn’t want to come out again today,” she said tersely, inspecting her forearms quickly and cringing at the grazes.

“I’m sorry,” he said, readily, without prompting. “That’s pretty up there with the most asshole things I’ve ever done.”

“You made me feel like shit.”

“I know. I didn’t—I’m sorry. I don’t have any excuse that’s good or justified.”

Valorie shuffled her feet, getting to the point where she was regretting her heels, and lifted one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug.

“I’d like to make the rest of your birthday better,” Nate said, visibly shrinking in and making himself smaller and less intimidating. “If you’ll let me.”

“I really don’t feel like I should forgive you, you know?” she huffed, throwing her hands in the air.

“Okay, that’s fair. I can go home.”

She sighed, “No, I don’t want you to go home. I—I’m really happy you’re here even if you weren’t before.”

The corner of Nate’s mouth lifted tentatively, “Yeah?”

Valorie nodded, and broke the rest of the tension between them by stepping into his space and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She relaxed into him, at the feel of his arms around her and the smell of his cologne filling her head. It was going to warrant a conversation, she knew that, but if she could enjoy the rest of her night she would do just that.

She led him back into the bar by the hand, having already been subjected to a brief twirl as Nate told her how good she looked, much happier and lighter than she had been when she’d walked outside.

Valorie, never one to be held down by a hangover, woke bright and early the next morning. Nate was still dead to the world beside her, a pillow pulled over his head to block out whatever noises he’d heard that she hadn’t.

It was bright outside when she left his room with her clothes bundled in her arms, unable to lie there and wait for him to stir, though the clock near the staircase told her it wasn’t even seven.

She had a quick shower—the hot water tap barely turned—and changed before she went in search of her bag, keys and phone and left a note on the kitchen counter for Nate that she was heading out but wouldn’t be long.

The roses had never left her mind, not with the weirdness they’d caused, and seeing them standing tall and proud on the kitchen counter made her know that she was making the right decision.

She wrote another note, tucking it into the flowers and made her way to her parents’ house to leave the roses and the note on their doorstep.

Mom, I think you can take better care of these than I can. Love you xxx

The round trip didn’t take overly long, so Nate wasn’t moving about the house when Valorie returned. She made herself a coffee and sat on the balcony, the caffeine working in combination with the slight breeze to keep any hangover symptoms at bay.

“Where are the roses?” Nate asked, startling Valorie when she hadn’t even heard the door slide open.

She waited until Nate was sitting sidewards on the recliner beside her before she said slowly, “With my mom. She loves roses.”

“You didn’t have to get rid of them.”

“I’m not attached to them… They were clearly making you uncomfortable, so it’s fine.”

Nate hummed, then said softly, “Thank you.”

Valorie smiled at him, grateful for the admission no matter how vague. She stood up, only to sit back down on Nate’s recliner after moving him so she could sit between his legs and relax back into him. She reached for his hands and wrapped his arms around her body.

She didn’t expect him to say anything else, happy to push the conversation they had to have to later in the day and just enjoy a quiet morning. Nate didn’t have the same desire, though.

“A guy doesn’t just send you roses on your birthday if he’s not trying to get you back.” He was speaking into her hair and if he hadn’t been so close Valorie wouldn’t have heard him at all.

She squeezed his arms and said, “If I was going back to him, I would have any of the half dozen times he’s already asked.”

She hadn’t mentioned it to Nate—to anyone—that Nick was sending things to her parents house, not many, but enough that she’d had to call him to put her foot down. The earrings he’d sent that matched the bracelet she’d been wearing the first time she’d seen Nate back in Nova Scotia were the final straw there. She’d never worn them and hadn’t put the bracelet back on, even though it was her favourite piece of jewellery.

Nate’s hesitation was evidence enough of his worry and was only amplified by the way he was holding her close and still speaking into her hair. “He’s not wearing you down?”

“Not in a good way. He seems to think that if he throws more money at me and reminds me of the life we had together and the future we could have; that I’ll just forget that I want kids.”

“Promise?”

“Remember that conversation we had? After the Cup Day? It’s you and me. I’m not going back to him.”

Nate’s forehead came to rest against the back of her head; Valorie could feel his relieved sigh.

The summer was dangerously close to ending. Valorie was counting down the days until she and Nate got on a plane to Denver, excitement and trepidation filling every ounce of her body and only getting more and more intense whenever she saw him.

There was something on her mind, though, the cause of the trepidation. A question she’d been holding onto for far longer than she intended and a question she knew she needed to ask before they left for their new life together—it couldn’t be another conversation that happened after the fallout.

Nate had just finished up his last training session with Andy, and Valorie smiled at him and only briefly cringed when he leant down to kiss her despite the sweat rolling off his body.

Andy followed Nate in, greeting her happily, none the wiser to her inner turmoil—though how could Andy be if Nate didn’t have a clue? He said goodbye to Valorie, that he’d see her when Nate was back in Canada, and she waved at him as he left.

She sat on the couch, staring blankly at the television, and listened to the shower in Nate’s ensuite turn on. With a quick inhale and in an unexpected moment of courage, she decided to join him.

“What a surprise,” Nate smirked, watching Valorie drop her clothes as she entered the bathroom.

The water was nearly unbearably hot though she didn’t falter, immediately wrapping her arms around Nate. He followed suit without missing a beat and Valorie relished in being able to rest her head against his chest and hear his steady heartbeat over the water.

“What’s brought this on?”

“You did an interview a few years ago and I can’t forget it,” Valorie said, taking a deep breath. She was thankful that the shower was hiding the wetness in her voice. “That you don’t like kids? And I—I need to know if that’s still true before… I don’t know.”

“I was never sure about having kids, I’ll be honest,” Nate said, slow, measured, and most definitely confused. “But I always knew that if I was going to have kids it was only going to be with you.”

“Okay. That’s—okay.”

Her relief was immeasurable—she had known it was causing her a lot of inner stress but to have it roll off her shoulders was nicer than she ever could have imagined.

“I love you.”

Valorie pulled away from Nate’s chest, blinking through the fall of water over her face, another sigh leaving her body. She pressed up on her toes to kiss him, unable to express herself in any other way.

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