#you know those three monkeys that cannot see hear or do no evil

[jgn13]

"running low on eggs, time to execute plan B"

callie probably can fling others up a skyscraper

they're probably the only two in the group that can keep smiling even when situations are most dire

for callie this positivity is a mask, for cal it's no mask even if he think it is

[detectivemaker]

idea dump

This is just me jumping out ideas I've been having into The Fray

1. I've been seeing a lot of DC My Little Pony stuff especially Batman My Little Pony,  here's the Dork Squad and Michael and my MLP AU  that I probably won't write much about after I dump this into the world 

Jervis is either a unicorn who can't do magic so good (sort of like retrovrt's Pony Jervis) or non unicorn Type of Pony who really wants to be a unicorn (for anyone who also has an Instagram and follows @hatterhare, it's sort of like their version of pony Jervis)

Jonathan is a unicorn who due to experiments by his father was turned into  sort of a hybrid changeling creature who feeds on fear and can't shapeshift,  what makes it worse is that not soon after his horrible transformation he got his cutie mark, so it was his Destiny to be horribly mutated into a fear sustained abomination

Edward is a Pegasus blank flank,  he hides the fact that he is a talentless loser by trying to be the smartest guy in all the Equestria,   my idea is that he thought the best way to find his talent was to learn about different things, but he sent so much of his time learning those things he never actually did them to see if they were what he was destined to be good at

And finally Michael he's a draconoquist,  he sort of a lesser draconoquist cuz he's  only made up of snake and Cat parts, he's a draconic lord of insanity (still in training, his dad's the ascended Lord of insanity and that guy's pretty possessive of that title), but he says he's the draconic Lord of love when he's freed from his Stone prison he was put in by his father by the Dork Squad, who got into the heated argument (it was mostly John and Edward fighting jervis was trying to make them stop), and he bribes them into helping him gain more power by spreading Insanity (which will make him powerful so he can go back to the  draconoquist Dimension and kick his dad's ass to become the new ascended Lord of insanity) by promising them these things

To either turn Jervis into a unicorn or get rid of his pounding magic induced headaches

Give Edward the knowledge of what to do to get his cutie mark

And nothing for  Jonathan,  and he would undo the horrible hybridization he went through, but that's part of his Destiny and Michael cannot screw  with Destiny, so he just uses the old finger Boop  induced draconic hypnotism and make  him help

2. So you guys know that fetch me the souls audio,  I listen to a song that had it in there and I had this idea, about Michael absolutely  body horror transforming our favorite tree of dorks in to creatures I can best imagine as sort of like Hellraiser demons, and then absolutely evacuating the minds and making them more attack dogs than actual people, this idea also Associates this idea I have from time to time of all of them being stripped of one of their senses (think sort of like See No Evil Hear No Evil speak no evil monkeys)

jervis loses the ability to speak,  but not the ability to make noise, he's rendered the most animalistic of the three and can only make animal noises, also he's given a dog muzzle, I think either he wears no clothes or just some pants, and walks around like a dog

Jonathan is stripped of the ability of sight,  dressed up like a demented priest,  his eyes are covered by a blindfold either decorated with eye imagery or snake imagery, and can now  only yell words,  just imagine you a burglar, you just entered some weird Victorian hell mansion and just escaped a dog man, you walk into a place that looks like the interior of a church, suddenly some guy standing at the older whips his head around that your footsteps, points at you and he  yells the word heresy at the top of his lungs,  then you're tackled from behind by the dog man who  heard that and then your throat is ripped out with his terrible filthy dog man claws

Edward lost the ability to hear, he just doesn't have ears, he's the most normal looking other than the lack of ears but he sure can see pretty good

3, so I've been thinking about the hattercrow kids relationship with their grandmother, more specifically the grandmother on crane's side,  my John doesn't really know the specifics of his birth but he think it might either be   teen pregnancy or rape, maybe a little bit of both, but what he does know is his mother's is current location,  he informs the children when Dorothy is 20 and the twins are 10, they decide to visit their gram gram and have a pretty good time, John comes to,  reconnects with his absent mother  who gives him a hug and her cookbook, he comes back home and he doesn't stop smiling till next week

They don't really visit much after that, John and his mom text and call every once in awhile,  but not soon after the move back to Gotham Mrs crane kicks the bucket, and John cries harder than he did in that  Crow Barn

He never does learn about the circumstances of his birth, his mom asked if he wanted to know but he said he didn't, and truth be told he actually does not, it doesn't really matter he was born, he lived hated,  and now he's being loved by a wonderful husband and wonderful children, and  though only a little while a mother he barely knew and cried like a baby for

[grither55]

The Princess and the Peasant - (An Azula Epic) - Chapter 92 - Primordial

The team gazed at one another in a captivated silence while the hermit sat before the burning stove.

Before the captain broke the eerie quiet.

“What…is the Primordial One?” Zoe inquired with a fascinated undertone to her voice while Azula gazed on with mutual intrigue in her cold eyes.

“An ancient entity that poses a tremendous threat to this world.” Mava answered in a blunt voice as the group listened in astonishment.

“And you say that the Avatar is unable to see this…evil?” Azula questioned with her brows furrowing in curiosity while Elle still shook at her feet.

“He cannot. Nor can any of you. The only one here who can see it is young Elle.” The sage stated in a rough voice while Elle’s amber eyes grew wider in fright.

While her four highborn friends gazed ahead in bewilderment.

“O-only me?” Elle stammered in an apprehensive voice as Azula’s lips pursed into a scowl as she glared ahead.

“Explain this old woman. And with no riddles.” The princess commanded with her callous eyes staring hard at the crone’s aged countenance.

While Mai and Ty Lee gazed on with mutual concern in their distraught eyes.

“Long ago, many thousands of years ago a creature arrived in our world. Even I do not know the full history. But I do know that it encountered the Avatar…and defeated the Avatar.” Mava announced in a foreboding voice with her staff pressing into the floor while the team listened in a stunned silence.

“If the Avatar was defeated by this…entity then why does the Avatar still reincarnate to this day?” Azula pondered in an intelligent voice with her golden eyes gazing on in grudging fascination.

“My thoughts exactly. Why not kill the Avatar for good?” The captain queried in a marveled voice with her hazel eyes staring about in contemplation.

“Because this creature benefits from the Avatar Cycle. That is why.” The sage informed in an eerie voice while the team fazed on in unified disbelief.

“The Avatar Cycle…is to its benefit?” Ty Lee asked in an unnerved voice with her brown-gray eyes agape in confusion while Elle swallowed in fear beside her.

“This being saw that our world’s greatest weakness was the Avatar itself. It realized that if it could deceive the Avatar…then the rest of the world would be helpless. And to that end…it cast a rune over the Avatar making the Avatar forget its presence.” Mava explained with her wrinkled hand clutching her staff while her audience gazed on in a speechless quiet.

“W-what…what happened after that?” The blonde-haired girl inquired in a fretful voice with her hands resting on her knees while she gazed on in alarm.

‘The Avatar…just forgot? What sort of creature would have the power to erase the Avatar’s memory?’ The princess thought with her elegant brows quirking in scrutiny while her girlfriend sat fretfully at her booted feet.

“It cast a veil over the world that made it so that we would not be able to see its physical form even if it were right before our very eyes. And then it went into hibernation.” The sage replied in a serious voice that had the group staring back in shock.

“Hibernation?” Mai repeated with an unnerved look in her tawny eyes while Azula also gazed on in a taken aback silence.

“I don’t know much more than that. But I do know that it left the Avatar behind to continue its quest of bringing balance to the world. Therefore, leaving the population weak and reliant…so that it would not be assaulted in its slumber.” Mava remarked as she leaned forward while the team gaped on with widened eyes.

“W-where is it now?” Elle asked as she gulped with her innocent eyes staring ahead while her princess sat protectively above her.

“As far as I know…it is still slumbering. But it will wake up eventually.” The sage commented in an ominous voice with her tired face gazing ahead.

All the while as the four highborn women exchanged a stunned look before they turned back to the hermit in question.

“Assuming that all of this is true…where does my servant factor into all of this?” Azula questioned in a stony voice with her regal elbow resting on the arm of her chair.

While she glanced down at her pet through the corner of her cold golden eye with her possessive gaze eying the girl closely.

“There are few things that this creature fears…. young Elle is one of them.” Mava declared in a rasping voice as the small girl gazed on with blinking amber eyes while her highborn friends did the same.

“Me?” The blonde-haired girl mumbled in a confused voice with her princess still gazing down at her in disbelief.

Only for her cheeks to turn a shade of red when Azula abruptly broke into belly shaking laughter while her childhood friends turned to gaze at her in exasperation.

“It fears my tiger monkey!” The princess snickered loudly beneath her well-manicured hand while her pet pouted at her feet.

“Azula…” The brown-haired woman chided in a sisterly voice while the princess smirked down at her pouting little sister.

“And for good reason. The Component is only of the only powers that can breach this entity’s defenses and bring it physical harm.” The sage stated in a firm voice with her words taking the group by complete astonishment.

While the princess’s laughter died down as she now gazed on with her golden eyes flickering in surprise while her young servant gazed on in awe.

The three noblewomen were just as astonished.

They could only turn to gaze at their young friend with bewildered looks in their eyes once more.

“My servant can hurt it?” Azula questioned in a fascinated voice as she glanced down at her pet with her cold golden eyes conveying a possessive gleam.

“Elle is the only one out of all of you that is capable of hurting it.” Mava replied with her hands over her staff while the four highborn women gazed on in disbelief.

While Azula and Zoe’s eyes momentarily flashed in indignation as they turned to gaze back at the teenager’s innocent face in bafflement.

“Only Elle?” The markswoman pondered with unusual surprise in her tawny eyes while the young girl puffed out her chest in a show of innocent pride.

“See Azula-sama? I really am a tiger lion!” Elle exclaimed as she peered over her shoulder up at Azula’s seated form while the older girl rolled her golden eyes in response.

“It is so. The Component is not the strongest or the fastest. Nor can the Component cause the most destruction. But when it comes to cutting through the energy of those linked to the spirit realm or any barriers of mystical energy…there is no one more capable.” The sage declared in a knowing voice while the teenager gazed on with her mouth agape in wonder.

While the team stared at their young companion with fascination in their eyes.

“Just like Elle did against the Avatar.” Ty Lee remarked in an awed voice as she gazed at her blushing little sister with sisterly brown-gray eyes.

“Correct. The Avatar was indeed taken by surprise. But that will not be so easy to repeat a second time. He will try to attack Elle before she has a chance to do so.” Mava answered in a wise voice as she gazed back with glazed golden eyes while the group exchanged an agreeing look.

“Let him try. This time I will be there to back young Elle up.” Zoe spoke with her toned arms crossed over her breasts while Elle’s face brightened in gratitude.

“Arigatou…oneesan.” The blonde-haired girl mumbled in a bashful voice while the warrior sent a small smile in her direction.

And the princess turned to direct a possessive golden glare in the direction of her amused subordinate.

“And Elle can do the same to this…being?” The princess inquired in a thoughtful voice with a finger under her chin while she turned her cold eyes back to her girlfriend’s back.

“A similar concept but not even remotely close to being on the same scale.” The sage spoke in a rough voice as the group gazed back at her in bewilderment.

“What…what do you mean wise sage?” Elle queried in a fretful voice as she nervously bit her lip while Azula listened in curiosity above her.

“This being…it’s heart…it’s…core lies deep within a protective chamber that only the Component can reach by cutting through its outer shell.” Mava revealed in a cryptic voice while the teenager gazed on with wide amber eyes.

As the team stared on in a speechless silence.

To hear that their little naïve serving girl had the power to do something like that was just nothing short of astonishing.

While the princess stared ahead from behind her servant with uncharacteristic disbelief in her callous golden eyes.

“C-cut through its outer shell?” The blonde-haired girl stammered in a worried voice while the acrobat sat in shock beside her.

“Indeed, my child. But first you must find the Aegis...and you must do so before it awakens from its slumber.” The sage answered with a nod while the team gazed on in evident confusion.

“What is this…Aegis?” Azula asked with intrigue dripping from her cold voice as her brows furrowed in contemplation while her handmaid sat in a confuddled silence at her feet.

“It is an ancient artifact of incredible power that holds the power to destroy this malevolent force. But only after the Component has cleared the pathway to its core.” Mava spoke in a weathered voice while Elle gazed on with her amber eyes blinking in befuddlement.

Azula held a flawless finger beneath her chin while her crimson lips curved into a brilliant smile.

While glanced down at her pet with an insatiable lust for power in her golden gaze.

All the while as her two childhood friends shivered after they caught the look in their friend’s plotting eyes.

‘An ancient artifact of great power…how interesting. Just imagine how much power I will have if I possess both it and Elle!’ The princess thought with an expression of boundless megalomania flashing in her cruel eyes as her smirk grew even larger.

“Is that the true purpose of the Component? To destroy this entity that you speak of?” The captain pondered with a wondered undertone to her composed voice while her hazel eyes stared on in fascination.

While her companions gazed on in an equally enthralled silence.

“The Component exists to remove otherworldly beings like the Primordial One from interfering in the physical world. By whatever means necessary.” The sage announced in a venerable voice while the group stared with captivated looks in their speechless eyes.

Ty Lee and Mai sat with their mouths ajar in shared bewilderment as they gazed back at one another shock.

It was a great deal to take in.

Especially after hearing all throughout their lives that it was the Avatar’s duty to restore the balance that was so desperately needed.

The very balance that Azula and her father stood in the way of.

And yet if the old hermit was speaking the truth…

There was much more to their world than meets the eye.

And yet after all that they have seen of the sage they could not bring themselves to doubt her.

The princess turned to gaze at her captain’s equally perplexed face while the two firebenders exchanged a look of fascination.

Before they turned to glance at their young friend’s apprehensive face in amazement once more.

“Y-you…. want me to kill?” Elle inquired in a distraught voice as Azula now stared down at her with deadpan golden eyes.

“You don’t have to be the one that deals the final blow. But you must lead the one who will do so to its core. This you must do.” Mava responded in a firm voice as Elle clutched her fists in her lap with her hair hanging in her eyes.

While the four highborn women gazed at their friend with uncertainty in their eyes.

“Once before I almost succumbed to blind rage and negative thoughts when I nearly took my brother’s life. On that day I realized that was not the way my mother wanted me to live my life…and I…cannot do that again. If I do…” The blonde-haired girl trailed off with her amber eyes staring down in frustration as her friends listened in puzzlement.

All the while as Azula sunk back in her seat with her golden eyes taking on a look of great annoyance.

Yet even so…

For reasons that she still couldn’t explain she has found that she has grown fond of her servant’s peaceful personality.

“My mother’s spirit will surely die.” Elle insisted with great emotion in her voice while Azula sat in bewilderment behind her.

“Elle…” The brown-haired woman whispered in a softened voice while the princess turned away to scowl at the wall.

“It is either you or it. Make your choice young one. There is no other alternative.” The sage stated in a grim voice as the teenager gazed on with still fearful amber eyes.

“P-perhaps if we try talking it out peaceably…eek!” The blonde-haired girl squeaked in surprise when blue flames flared to life behind her while she gulped under her master’s imposing glare.

While her big sisters could only sigh over the royal woman’s overbearing behavior.

“Foolish peasant! Do I have to punish you!” Azula barked with her burning finger pointing tyrannically in her little girlfriend’s intimidated face.

“S-sumimasen Azula-sama! Sumimasen!” Elle cried out in an adorable panic as she rapidly bowed at the waist while Azula sat victoriously above her with a smug smile now adorning her crimson lips.

And even Zoe found herself releasing a heavy sigh over her monarch’s domineering ways.

“This is precisely why you are woefully unfit to make your own decisions. But lucky for you…I am here to choose for you.” The princess spoke in a haughty voice as she reclined with her palms in her lap once more while her intended beamed up at her.

Just as the teenager sat back with the back of her head resting against her armored thigh once while she gazed down at the girl with strict golden eyes.

“Yes Azula-sama. It is indeed a very good thing.” The blonde-haired girl agreed in a sweet voice while she peered up at her girlfriend with appreciative amber eyes.

While Azula simply gazed down at her once more with a frigid golden gaze.

Before the two of them turned back to the others.

“You can ignore my words if you like child while you play servant to the spoiled princess. As soon as it awakens from its slumber it will notice your presence. And it will destroy you without hesitation.” Mava explained in a raspy voice with her words causing Elle’s amber eyes to grow wide in fright once more.

While the four highborn women stared on with surmounting concern in their alert eyes.

“Where will I find this Aegis that you speak of?” Azula inquired in a perfectly refined voice with her callous eyes staring ahead while she sat protectively over her trembling serving girl.

Only for her merciless eyes to shake in aggravation when the hermit shrugged her shoulders.

“I don’t know. It could be anywhere in the four nations or even in the Spirit World. Or perhaps even somewhere in the young Component’s homeland.” The sage stated in a grumble as the blue flames in her stove burst to life while the princess glared on in frustration.

“That’s descriptive.” Mai snorted in a monotone voice with her tawny eyes still taking on an unnerved look.

“Are you serious? You can’t give us anything more helpful than that?” The princess snarled with fire spewing from her full lips.

“If I knew where it was, I would have sent for it by now! You should be thankful that you even got what you did brat!” Mava shouted with a wrinkled finger pointing back at Azula’s seething face while the three noblewomen watched in unhidden amusement.

“She…kind of has a point Azula. I mean we did get quite a lot out of this visit.” Ty Lee reasoned in a kinder voice as she flinched when Azula spun around to glare a hole through her skull.

Only for the princess to let the remark slide as she turned to stare coldly back at the seated sage once more.

“Have it your way hag. I will find this artifact. And then I will destroy both the Avatar and this creature. After that…I will take my rightful place on the throne as the ruler of this world and beyond.” The princess declared in a beyond megalomaniacal voice with a mighty fist clenched before her smiling face.

While the three noblewomen gazed on with comical looks in their eyes when their young friend swooned with a delicate hand on her blushing cheek.

“O-oh Azula-sama. I just love it when you talk domination.” Elle gushed like a lovesick schoolgirl as she swayed dreamily in her seat while Azula swelled in pride above her.

All the while as she found herself shuddering wonderfully when her princess’s domineering golden eyes glanced down at her in boundless approval.

Before they all turned back to sage once more when the old woman began to stand up from her chair.

“We will see princess. When the time comes for this enemy to awaken. This world will need a worthy ruler if we are to have any hope to survive.” The sage commented in a wise voice as the group gazed on in an unsettled silence.

All the while as the princess’s haughty smile grew even bigger as she elegantly reclined in the beaten chair as if it was her throne.

“There is no ruler more worthy than me.” Azula purred with her palms clasped together in her lap while Elle smiled up at her in admiration.

“As of right now. You are not. Neither is your brute of a father. Nor in your lost brother. As we stand now. There is no ruler in this nation or anywhere in this world worthy of being called leader.” Mava retorted in a knowing voice with her hands over her staff while Azula’s smile gave way to an outraged glower.

“I could have your tongue torn out for speaking such slander against your Crown Princess and your Fire Lord both.” The princess hissed in a wrathful voice with her imposing eyes glaring imperiously ahead while the nobles gazed at her in exasperation.

Only for her golden eyes to boil over in even greater fury when the elderly woman scoffed as she turned away.

“I was alive back when your great-grandfather sat the throne. If I didn’t fear the Royal Family then, then I certainly won’t start now.” The sage scoffed as she turned away from the princess’s enraged face while callous golden eyes bristled in anger.

“By the time I am through with you. You will fear me.” Azula spoke in a ruthless voice as she proudly straightened in her seat with her hands folded gracefully in her lap.

Just before the sage turned to stare back with her haunting glazed eyes once again.

“You would be wise to remember that I saw a great many roads. In some you were worthy. In others you were not. In many you face defeat at your scarred brother’s hand and it is he that proves worthy. I caution you to look deep within yourself and decide what you wish to make of your future.” Mava advised in a foreboding voice as Azula now gazed on with her golden eyes agape in unbridled paranoia.

While her lifelong friends listened in a fearful silence beside the simmering leader.

Just as an enormous wall of blue fire flared up behind the seated ruler and her young servant while the princess now stared on with an unforgivably merciless gaze.

“I will not lose to Zuko. I will not lose to such a pathetic weakling that would betray his own nation. I will crush my brother like the pitiful bender that he is. Just you wait.” The princess sneered with her fists balled up over the arms of her chair while the markswoman averted her sorrowful tawny eyes.

And the acrobat once more found herself shuddering outside of her friend’s line of vision.

And the captain just stared on with a look of cold approval in her gaze with a small smile on her lips.

‘She is the only monarch…that I bend the knee to.’ Zoe thought with indescribable respect in her hazel eyes while she gazed at her princess’s inspirational callous face.

“Azula-sama is worthy wise sage! I know so! Just give her a chance and she’ll prove it!” The blonde-haired girl exclaimed in a faithful voice as she sat at her master’s boots while her princess gazed down at her with a smile already returning to her beautiful lips.

“We shall see young Component. We shall see.” The sage stated in an unconvinced voice while the princess still glared back at her.

“What will happen if this entity awakens before we find this Aegis…before Elle is ready?” The captain questioned in a searching voice with her arms folded over her breasts while the others gazed at the sage in anticipation.

“That is a question that you best not ask because there is no pleasant answer to give.” Mava replied in an ominous voice while the team gazed on with alarmed looks in their eyes.

“A-and this all hinges on m-me?” Elle asked in a terribly intimidated voice while her highborn friends stared at her in growing worry.

“I would like to tell you otherwise child…but if I did, I would be lying.” The sage remarked in a grave voice while the teenager shook with her eyes agape in fear.

“W-well I’ll do my best not to let everyone down.” The blonde-haired girl stammered in a mousy voice as she gulped while her princess gazed down at her with unconvinced golden eyes.

“You still haven’t told us how you came to know all of this.” Azula spoke up in a cold voice with her hardened eyes staring back at the hermit once more.

“That is a question for another time. It is best if you get going.” Mava answered as she leaned on her staff while Azula gazed back at her with narrowed golden eyes.

Only for the sound of a distant gunshot to echo faintly throughout the Sentinel Tree while Team Azula gazed over their shoulders with returning alertness to their widened eyes.

“The soldiers princess…” Zoe stated in a stony voice with her cold eyes gazing ahead while Azula’s lips pursed into a regal scowl.

“Old hag! Are we finished here?” The princess snapped in an authoritative voice as she rounded about to stare hard at the crone’s ancient visage.

“For the time being. I will return you to the surface to allow you to do what you must. But before you go. I will prepare a chi restoration potion in the event in the event that you face another grueling battle.” The sage remarked in a wise voice with her words taking the group by surprise as she made her way forward.

“A chi restoration potion? Interesting…” Azula spoke with a finger under her chin as her lips pulled into another smug smile.

It went without saying that the old hermit truly was an invaluable resource.

And she did not serve her brother or her father.

No. Now, she serves Princess Azula.

Just think of all of the advantages that this sage would grant her in the war to come!

‘It matters not if the old crone despises me. All that matters is that she serves me well.’ The princess thought with a conceited smirk adorning her beautiful lips.

Only to be torn from her thoughts not a moment later by the sound of the old hag’s rasping voice.

“Of course, the only reason why I even care is because if you were to die the young Component would almost certainly be lost without you. It’s not like I give a damn what happens to you.” Mava grumbled in a grumpy voice while Azula’s golden eyes twitched in returning wrath as she glared a hole through the back of her head.

Only to spin around to glare frigidly at her subordinates when she heard the sound of poorly stifled chortles flowed into her ears.

“Is it safe to go back out there?” The brown-haired woman questioned in a cautious voice with a hand on her hip while the markswoman frowned in agreement.

While the princess and the captain exchanged a quiet look as they glared ahead with cold looks in their eyes.

All the while as the hermit opened a drawer of jarred ingredients that were terribly disorganized from the artist’s attack on the tree.

While she muttered angrily under her breath as she sorted through the items in question.

“Silah has already left the valley. You should be more concerned about what will happen outside of the valley.” The sage answered in a grouchy voice as she set items down on a damaged table while the acrobat shuddered as she nodded her head.

“Let her. It will save me the trouble of hunting her down.” The captain stated in a vengeful voice with her hazel eyes taking on a focused look once more.

Just as the four highborn women turned to watch with returning disgust in their eyes when the old hermit began to pour ingredients in a bowl.

“Tell me Elle. Is your beloved princess vegetarian as well?” Mava inquired in a smug voice as Azula stiffened with her golden eyes glaring murderously back at her.

“Oh no! Azula-sama eats all sorts of funky looking meats.” Elle chirped in a cheery voice as she smiled while Azula now sat glaring down at her back with imposing golden eyes.

“How dare you insult my refined palate! If anything is ‘funky’ it’s your sour vegetarian chow!” Azula barked as she stomped a boot on the floor while she pointed a finger down in her girlfriend’s intimidated face.

While the three noblewomen watched the scene in amusement.

“Y-you don’t like sour patch kids Azula-sama?” The blonde-haired girl asked in worried voice as her big sister’s gazed at her fondly while her princess let out a haughty scoff.

“I loathe sour patch kids.” The princess snorted with her arms folded over her armored chest only to feel a tiny sliver of remorse when her serving girl’s shoulders slumped.

“But…. you told me that you liked sour patch kids…” Elle mumbled in a deflated voice as Azula let out a heavy sigh behind her.

“Elle, it’s just peasant candy.” Azula sighed in a voice that nearly verged on fondness while she stared down at the younger girl’s disappointed back.

“I can’t believe that you lied to me…” The blonde-haired girl trailed off in an innocent voice as all but the princess stared pointedly at the back of her head.

While Azula gazed down at the back of the young girl’s head with something akin to amusement in her cold eyes before she turned to glare over her shoulder at her childhood friend’s reproachful faces.

“And that surprises you Elle?” Mai asked dryly from where she sat beside the girl while Azula turned to direct a foul stare her way.

“Cheer up little sister. Azula didn’t mean it like that. What she really meant to say is that she loves sour patch kids.” Ty Lee assured in a supportive voice as she set her hand on the teenager’s back while Azula spun around to glare daggers at her.

“Ty Lee.” The princess warned in a terrifying voice as her young girlfriend peered up with brightened amber eyes.

As the old sage stood off to the side mixing her potion together.

“Really?” Elle asked as she gazed up with admiration in her eyes at Ty Lee’s kindly grinning face while Azula glared at the both of them.

“Really. She’s just too proud to admit that she likes a commoner candy better than all of the sweets in the Royal Palace.” The brown-haired woman stated with a smile on her lips as her adopted sister beamed up at her while the princess’s golden eyes narrowed into slits.

“Oh, I see! She likes it she just doesn’t want to say it.” The blonde-haired girl concluded with a finger under her chin while her girlfriend’s moody eyes glared at her.

“No. Ty Lee. No, I do not.” Azula snarled in a frigid voice while her captain listened in amusement.

“That’s right. So, don’t pay Azula any mind when she says otherwise. Because they’re really her favorite.” Ty Lee commented in a playful voice as she turned to smile back at her friend while golden eyes burned with the fires of war.

“I understand now. This is another one of those image things that a princess has to worry about. Well, don’t you worry Azula-sama. Your secret is safe with me.” Elle remarked as she turned to smile up at Azula’s scowling face while golden eyes glared down at her.

Only for all five of them to turn back to the sage while elderly woman finished with her mixture.

“When you leave here…head to the four spirit pools at the center of the valley.” The sage instructed in a voice of tremendous insight while the group gazed on with shared intrigued.

“The four spirit pools?” The blonde-haired girl asked with childlike fascination in her voice while her princess furrowed her regal brows over her.

“Yes, young one. That…is where all of the recent activity in the forest is originating from.” Mava stated in a raspy voice while the princess and the captain’s eyes grew wider in realization.

“That’s where the soldiers are coming from? The spirit pools?” Zoe inquired in a thoughtful voice as she turned to gaze back at her monarch’s livid face while Azula’s callous eyes glared ahead.

“It would seem that it is the case…considering that the spirit pools act as a portal to the Spirit World. Perhaps…these foreign soldiers are coming through from somewhere beyond the Spirit World?” The sage replied in a suggestive undertone as she stirred the potion while Team Azula exchanged stunned looks with one another.

“My…my homeland is beyond the Spirit World?” Elle wondered in a confused voice with her amber eyes agape in fascination.

“Azula…does this mean that there is a portal to Elle’s homeland somewhere in the Spirit World?” The brown-haired woman questioned in a taken aback voice as she turned to gaze at her leader’s coldly thoughtful countenance.

“I will investigate this matter. And then I will crush these invaders beneath the wake of my flames.” The princess spoke in a merciless voice with her golden eyes taking on a monstrous stare while her childhood friends shivered beside her.

“At any rate. The Spirit World is your next destination anyhow.” Mava commented in a vague fashion while the princess stared at her back with searching golden eyes.

“Elaborate old woman.” Azula commanded in a spoiled voice with her authoritative eyes gazing harshly ahead while her loyal handmaid sat at her boots.

“As I said before. Every user of the Component must expose themselves to the energies of the Spirit World before they can begin to master its power. Elle received a small dose of its energies when her mind briefly drifted into the Spirit World…but now she must journey there in the flesh to receive a larger dose.” The sage explained in a patient voice as she gazed over her shoulder with glazed golden eyes.

While the team gazed at their young friend’s bewildered face with rising intrigue in their eyes.

“I-I have to go there again? What if I run into those horrible monsters that I saw in my vision?” The blonde-haired girl pondered in a fretful voice with returning fear in her worried eyes while her princess’s lips pursed into a protective scowl.

“You won’t. That was a vision of the future. Not of the present. And the entity is still asleep anyhow.” Mava assured with a wise nod while Elle swallowed as she numbly nodded her head.

“W-what if the Avatar comes for me again?” Elle asked as she chewed on her lower lip while Azula’s golden eyes took on a coldly possessive gleam once more.

“This time you will have your friends with you. You will be fine child.” The sage answered in a rough voice while the servant girl still bit her lip in uncertainty.

“It will be alright Elle. We’ll be with you.” Ty Lee stated in a tender voice as she offered her young friend a comforting smile while Elle’s face brightened after hearing those words.

“Yeah. We will.” Mai agreed as she reached over to pat the girl on the head while Elle smiled shyly up at her.

Only for her tawny eyes to take on an annoyance look when the princess swatted her hand away.

“Get your hands off my pet! I own her and only I may fondle her!” The princess barked in a tyrannical voice as she glared hard at her annoyed friend’s face while her young girlfriend swooned with a dainty hand on her cheek.

While Mai and Ty Lee could only gaze at their friend in exasperation as they let out another sigh.

They both knew by now that it was useless to argue with Azula about the status of Elle’s ‘pethood’.

“O-oh my princess charming you are so romantic.” The blonde-haired girl gushed in a lovesick voice with a cute blush on her cheeks while her princess smirked as she arrogantly puffed out her armored chest.

“Tell me something that I don’t already know. Peasant.” Azula snorted in a pompous voice as she haughtily scanned her perfect fingernails.

While her refined smile grew when she felt her serving girl lean into her thigh once more.

“House Lin and House Wan speak the truth. We’ll be with you. Although some of us in this group are more capable protectors than others….” The captain trailed off with a small smirk on her lips while her two fellow nobles turned to glare back at her.

“If the tiger monkey ventures into the Spirit World…this will serve to help her hone her power?” The princess questioned in a stony voice with a lovely fingertip under her chin while she surveyed her pet through the corner of her cold eye.

“It will. A physical trip to the Spirit World will be of a great benefit to Elle. Though I will caution you to avoid interacting with certain malevolent spirits…such as Koh the Face Stealer.” Mava responded in an eerie voice once more while the highborn women gazed on with attentive eyes.

“K-Koh the Face Stealer?” Elle squeaked in an already frightened voice with her hands turning clammy while Azula sat above her with her golden eyes paying close mind to the old hermit’s words.

“He is a highly dangerous spirit with the ability to steal the faces of victims that show even the slightest hint of emotions. None of you must show any emotion if you encounter Koh. Otherwise he will take your face.” The sage informed in a blunt voice with her words causing the acrobat to shudder beside the wary markswoman.

“W-well if I see him I-I’ll try my best not to show any emotion then.” The blonde-haired girl stammered in a fearful voice while her princess rolled her unconvinced golden eyes behind her.

While the noblewomen exchanged a mutual glance before they turned to survey their young friend.

‘Hiding emotion isn’t a problem for any of us…but it will not be so simple a matter for Elle.’ Zoe thought with her hazel eyes gazing down in contemplation.

“Please. If we run into this spirit. I will do the talking. Understand peasant?” Azula spoke with her callous golden eyes staring dominantly down at her girlfriend’s grudgingly adorable face.

Only for her regal lips to almost pull into a smile when her serving girl bowed her head in respect to her dominance.

“Yes Azula-sama. I do.” Elle agreed in a devoted voice as she bent her head in reverence before the seated woman while Azula’s cold eyes gazed down at her in approval.

All the while as Mai let out another gloomy sigh over the girl’s habit of bowing before the princess with her every breath.

“This is precisely why you have a master in the first place. You are woefully unfit to handle far too many matters on your own. And it is obvious that there is no woman more qualified to ruler over your little life than myself.” The princess declared in a voice practically dripping with arrogance while she clasped her palms in her lap.

As she sat back with a smirk forming upon her crimson lips while she gazed down at her hurriedly curtsying girlfriend.

“As you command Azula-sama. Always as you command.” The blonde-haired girl stated in a lovable voice as she bowed once more while her princess stared down at her with stern golden eyes.

Only for her amber eyes to widen in delight not a moment later when a strong palm lowered into her plush hair.

While she raised her eyes to find herself gazing up at Azula’s cold face while the older girl patted her head with a scowl adorning her full lips.

“Aww. Now that is so cute Azula.” The brown-haired woman commented with a grin on her lips once more while her friend glared at her from the corner of her eye.

And her little sister smiled as she sat with her head underneath the princess’s controlling palm.

Only for all five of them to turn back to the hermit when they saw her pouring an unpleasant looking liquid into small wooden cups.

And just like that once by one their eyes flashed with disgust as they watched the strange concoction fill up each cup.

“Come. Drink up. Restore your chi.” Mava instructed with a small trace of smugness in her voice while the four highborn women stared at the drink in revulsion.

“Ugh. I would rather just die of exhaustion.” The markswoman stated in her typical monotone while the acrobat grimaced beside her.

“Hag! I demand that you tell me the ingredients of this filthy concoction.” Azula ordered in a spoiled voice with her lips forming a repulsed thin line as she glared at the potion in question.

“Bah! Drink it or don’t! It’s not like it matters if you kids are too tired to fight in your next battle.” The sage scoffed with a dismissive wave of her hand while the princess’s golden eyes stared hard through her skull.

Just before they turned to the captain to notice the warrior wordlessly step forward to grasp one of the wooden cups.

“Foul taste or not. Only a fool would spurn recovery.” The captain remarked as she strode ahead while her princess stared coldly after her back.

Before the three highborn women turned to their handmaiden when the blonde sprang to her feet.

“Worry not friends! You don’t have to get up. Your loyal servant will go get it for you!” Elle announced with cheer that had her three companions stiffening in their seats before she scampered off to collect the potions.

“Now that is dedication Your Highness.” Zoe taunted with a small smirk on her lips as she grasped onto a cup while Azula sat glaring callously in her direction.

“Shut up Zoe!” The princess growled out as she watched with distasteful golden eyes when her servant girl collected three cups.

All the while as her captain smiled back at her as she scowled while the girl hurried back over to their side.

Only for the three women of Team Azula cringed when a cup was set in each of their hands.

While the blonde now stood smiling brightly back at their cringing faces.

All the while as Azula glared imposingly at the handmaiden’s joyful face.

“Drink up friends! It’s for the good of the team! I’ll be here to support all of you through every step of the way!” The blonde-haired girl chirped with her hands cutely folded behind her back while her two big sisters winced as they sunk back in defeat.

“Don’t you dare give us orders peasant. I suggest you remember that we are the masters here. Not you.” Azula snarled as she pointed a domineering finger in her girlfriend’s adorable face while fire spewed from her beautiful lips.

While Mai and Ty Lee sighed as they raised the cups to their lips.

“It’s only fair Azula. Elle did it for us.” Ty Lee reminded as she offered the younger girl a fond smile while Azula scowled in her seat.

“May as well get it over with.” Mai muttered as she tried to avoid gazing down in the cup.

“I could never forget Azula-sama. For I serve Team Azula with pride. On this day…for all of my days.” Elle spoke in a faithful voice as she bent her head in respect while the three older girls gazed at her with varying levels of emotion in their eyes.

While the captain gazed at the teenager through the corner of her eye before she tipped the drink back without so much as speaking another word.

And then the acrobat chugged her own with her brown gray eyes gazing at the teenager with great affection in her gaze.

Which was followed up soon by the markswoman as she wordlessly downed her own potion.

And then last but never least.

The ruthless princess gulped down her potion with a still present stony expression on her lips while she gazed back at her curtsying servant in recognition.

And then not even a second later all four highborn women widened their eyes in disgust as the unpleasant liquid quickly ran down their throat.

While the sage stood with her hands grasping upon the handle of her staff with her old golden eyes gazing back at the now choking girls.

All the while as the servant still diligently before the coughing princess as the older girl’s tongue recoiled in revulsion.

“Disgusting! What…did you put in that drink?” The princess sputtered in uncharacteristic discomfort as a shudder travelled down her spine while she raised her callous eyes to glare back at smirking hermit.

“Many things princess. Many things.” Mava answered in a purposefully mysterious voice as Azula gracefully wiped her lips while her golden eyes narrowed into murderous slits.

And the three noblewomen did the same as their tongues flipped about in protest.

And even the mighty warrior found herself grimacing over the horrible flavor with her disgusted hazel eyes now gazing down into her empty cup.

“See Azula-sama. You should have taken the vegetarian version. Then you wouldn’t have had to eat crushed beetles.” The blonde-haired girl quipped in a helpful voice as her highborn friends winced.

“Elle.” Azula began in a cold voice as she turned to regard her serving girl with a disciplinary stare.

“Yes princess?” Elle replied in a loyal voice only to find herself gulping when Azula’s beautifully imposing eyes sent a shiver down her spine.

“Shut up.” The princess grunted as she swallowed what remained of the vile drink in her throat while she shuddered once more.

About ten minutes later…

After the team finally shook off their disgust from ingesting the foul-tasting potion.

They were now all standing up as they listened intently in renewed fascination to the sounds of the Sentinel Tree returning to the surface.

‘Is it just my imagination or do I feel…stronger than before…’ Azula thought as she gazed down at her open fist while she clenched it before her cold golden eyes.

While she shared a look with her stoic captain as the other woman did the same.

Before they turned back to the hunched over sage with amazement flashing in their eyes once more.

“When you are finished with your business outside. Return to the Sentinel Tree. There is more that I wish to tell you. But it will have to wait until after.” The sage announced in a low voice while the princess stared back with coldly searching golden eyes.

While the three noblewomen glanced at their leader as they waited for the princess’s next order.

Only for their young friend to step in front of the monarch while they turned to the teenage girl curious of what she had to say.

“Wise sage? I have something else to ask you.” The blonde-haired girl spoke up in a courteous voice as Azula gazed down at her back with callous golden eyes.

“And that is?” Mava asked in a venerable voice while Elle chewed on her lip in deep thought.

All while her highborn friends gazed at her with inquisitive looks in their eyes.

“You told me…that I would see both my own memories…and the memories of the previous holder which was…my mother. So why…why did I also see my brother’s memories?” Elle pondered in a noticeably unsettled voice as she bit her lip while she gazed on with worry in her amber eyes.

While her companions stared on with returning concern in their eyes as they recalled their disturbing glimpse into Felix’s twisted mind.

Just as the old hermit turned around with her glazed over eyes seeming to widen in some unspoken alarm.

“What? You saw your brother’s memories?” The sage queried in a voice of puzzlement that unnerved the team while the young girl nodded her head in response.

In all of the time that they have spent with old Mava this had to be one of the few times that they had seen her taken by surprise.

And that did not bode well…with any of them.

“T-that’s so sage. I did. Although I wish I hadn’t. I…didn’t know that he killed fellow survivors of Rosewood.” The blonde-haired girl muttered in a disquieted manner with her innocent eyes taking on a glum look once more that had her older girlfriend protectively baring her teeth.

While Ty Lee and Mai exchanged another shivering look as they remembered watching Elle’s brother kill those boys.

And once again even though they did not have the courage to state it aloud.

It almost reminded them of a male Azula.

“Yes. I wondered the same thing myself.” The captain stated in a thoughtful voice as she pushed herself off the wall with her stony hazel eyes gazing down at her young friend beside her.

Only for all five of them to turn back to the old sage as they watched her hastily hobble over with the bottom of her staff clanging urgently upon the floor.

All the while as Elle stared ahead with her amber eyes agape in a rising fretfulness as Mava came to a stop before her.

“Stay still child. There is something that I must check.” Mava spoke in a withered voice as she raised her wrinkled hand to touch the teenager’s trembling forehead once more.

While Azula stared down with her ruthless golden eyes observing each and every movement in a manner similar to a mighty dragon looking out for her hatchling.

All the while as the three noblewomen stood in an uncertain silence when the sage’s fingers touched the young girl’s quivering head.

Just as the old hermit’s hand emitted a dim glow yet again.

And then not even seconds later Mava’s hand fell from Elle’s forehead while the sage now stared ahead with her golden eyes widened in unvoiced mortification.

“W-what does it mean wise sage?” Elle inquired in a bothered voice while Mava still gazed at her with unsettling golden eyes.

While the three noblewomen gazed on in silent worry only for their silence to be broken when the princess stomped her boot upon the floor.

“Out with it already. Tell us what it means.” The princess hissed in an imperious voice as she glared down at the sage with imposing golden eyes.

“You should have only seen the memories of those connected to the Component bloodline.” The sage began in a foreboding voice while the team gazed on in a worried silence.

While Elle’s amber eyes grew even larger as she audibly swallowed the lump that was in her throat.

“T-then does mean that Felix…” The blonde-haired girl trailed off in a fearful voice while her princess stared on with her callous eyes expressing her surprise.

“Your brother possesses a yet to be determined link to your power.” Mava announced as her hand clutched her staff while Elle’s eyes widened in aghast horror.

All the while as Team Azula stood in a speechless state gazing at their friend in incrementing trepidation.

“H-he has a link?” Elle mumbled in a mortified voice as she chewed on her lip while Azula stomped up beside her with her callous eyes glaring ahead.

“What does that mean he has a link to her power?” Azula demanded in an aggressive voice with her cold eyes forming a piercing stare.

‘Her brother is tied to her power?’ The brown-haired woman thought with her usual smile having given way to a concerned frown.

While Mai narrowed her tawny eyes in a sisterly stare as she gazed down at the younger girl’s back.

“As of this moment I do not know. Make no mistake. Elle is the Component. That I know without doubt. But as for what this means. I need more time before I can answer that.” The sage concluded with a sigh while the teenager fearfully nodded her head.

“Okay. I understand.” The blonde-haired girl answered in a distressed voice while her friends gazed at one another in concern.

“That’s all? You can’t tell us any more than that?” The princess complained in a haughty voice as she tapped her boot on the floor while her girlfriend lingered beside her.

“I have told you far more than you knew before you came here! You ought to be thankful that you got what you got!” Mava yelled out as she waved her staff in Azula’s glaring face while the princess’s face grew red in anger.

Just as another gunshot rang out into the hollow tree while they gazed over their shoulder in alarm once more.

“She is right princess. We didn’t know anything before we came here and now, we know a great deal. Perhaps she will be able to tell us more after we handle matters outside.” Zoe advised in a stoic voice with her hazel eyes turning back to her ruler’s cold face while Azula angrily folded her arms over her breasts.

“Fine. But for your sake you had better know before I return hag.” Azula spoke in a merciless voice as stared hard at the old hermit’s wrinkled face.

While both Mai and Ty Lee simply gazed at their leader in exasperation over her persistent rudeness.

“And I hope that you enjoyed drinking slug worm brat.” The sage snapped back in turn as all four girls faces turned green in revulsion.

“Ugh. I think I’m going to be sick.” The markswoman groaned with a hand over her belly while the acrobat shuddered beside her.

“I’ll make you pay for this treatment peasant. Just you wait.” The princess snarled as she pointed a tyrannical finger in the old hermit’s direction while her golden eyes glared after her hobbled form.

“As disgusting as it is. It seems that it was worth it. My chi truly seems that it has recovered.” The captain stated as she flexed her fist with a more unbothered expression than her companions.

“Let this be a lesson to you friends. Next time drink the vegetarian version. That way you won’t be drinking slug worm.” Elle commented as she swung her backpack over her shoulders while her four friends stiffened in discomfort.

“Rub it in one more time Elle. And next time I will ensure that you are drinking slug worm alongside me.” Azula remarked in a sadistic voice as she turned to glance down at her girlfriend’s gulping face.

Only for another round to echo in the distance as she turned to stare at the wall with her callous golden eyes narrowing into slits.

While the Sentinel Tree reemerged at the surface as they listened to the ground lightly rattle all around them.

Before the tree finally came to as top as it balanced itself upon the ground while the group turned to the door as they prepared to depart.

“Before I leave wise sage. I have one final question for you. What is your name?” The blonde-haired girl questioned in a polite voice while her highborn friends turned back to her.

And the old hermit paused as she turned to gaze back at her from over her hunched shoulder.

“My name is Mava.” Mava revealed in an enigmatic voice with her old eyes staring ahead while Elle clutched the straps of her backpack with a smile returning to her lips.

“Arigatou gozaimasu Mava.” Elle spoke in a courteous voice as she bowed at the hip while her big sisters gazed over her shoulder with fond looks in their eyes.

All while Azula rolled her eyes as she pompously scanned the fingernails on her clenched fist.

And even though it was barely noticeable.

It almost seemed as if the old sage was smiling.

“You are most welcome Elle Turner. Now you best go. The Spirit World awaits you.” The sage replied in a mystical voice as she took a seat beside her stove once more while the teenager nodded in understanding.

And then the blonde stood up as she felt a hand touch her shoulder while she smiled as she turned to gaze up into her princess’s cold golden eyes.

“Come servant.” The princess commanded in a stony voice as she turned to walk off with her fingers slipping off her serving girl’s shoulder.

While Mai and Ty Lee gazed over their shoulders with softened eyes as the teenage girl skipped after them.

“I’ll see you later then Mava!” The blonde-haired girl called out as she waved over her shoulder while her highborn friends made their way through the door.

Only for all of them to pause for a final time when the sage called back out to them.

“Keep an eye on your mother’s bracelet Elle. You may find that it will come in handy one day.” Mava advised in a vague voice as Elle’s amber eyes blinked in confusion while Azula rose a curious brow.

Before the team walked through the doors as they gazed at each other in bewilderment.

“I…wonder what she meant by that.” Elle muttered quietly as she padded beside Azula while the older woman gazed down at her with cold golden eyes.

“Who knows little sister. Maybe she really is watching over you.” Ty Lee remarked in a tender voice as she smiled down at Elle’s brightening face.

“I…just hope that this connection with Felix isn’t anything bad…” The blonde-haired girl stated in a soft voice while her companions gazed at her in concern.

Not a single one of them was pleased to hear that the girl’s demented brother had some type of unspoken link to her power.

One thing was for certain.

It most definitely did not please Azula.

Azula’s lips curled into a protective snarl as she strode over her petite girlfriend with her icy eyes never leaving the much shorter female’s lovely face.

‘One way or another when I meet him…I’ll find out. Mark my words.’ The princess thought as she gazed down with methodical golden eyes.

And that was a promise.

Ten minutes later.

Saro and Jiao were still putting things back where they belonged while Nako gazed up from where she sat with a book in hand to see Azula striding towards her.

“Have you found anything of interest Nako?” Azula questioned in a strict voice with a hand on her shapely hip while she watched her subordinate bow at the waist.

“Possibly so princess! Although I haven’t had much time to read with all of this cleanup…” Nako answered in an articulate voice as she met Azula’s approving golden gaze.

“I am going to teach those foreign soldiers a lesson. In the meantime, I am leaving you in charge of research. Understand Nako?” The princess commanded with her hands clasped behind her tall back while she studied her bowing pilot with a cold gaze.

“Yes, Your Highness. I will not fail you.” The royal pilot assured as she saluted the pleased woman while she arose from her bow.

“See to it that you don’t Nako. You know how much I dislike failure.” Azula stated in a smooth voice as she turned away while Nako hurriedly nodded her head.

Just as she paused in her tracks when the commoner spoke to her once more.

“Please be careful princess.” Nako spoke in a nervous voice as she met Azula’s taken aback golden gaze while the monarch’s lips parted into a moved expression.

Only for Azula’s signature scowl to recover just as quickly as it had vanished.

“Just focus on your work Nako. And try not to get killed while I am gone.” The princess sighed as she regarded her saluting pilot with a strict stare before she resumed walking away.

“I won’t princess!” The royal pilot responded in a relieved voice as she watched her monarch walk away.

Truth be told.

She was glad that she was remaining behind.

‘I have had enough battle to last me for a long time.’ Nako thought with a shiver traveling down her spine before she turned to resume her reading.

While Azula’s golden eyes flashed with a hidden gleam as she walked off.

‘Being loved…it feels…strangely rewarding.’ Azula thought with her stoic gaze peering ahead while her strict eyes honed in on her admirer’s youthful face.

While Zoe now stood before the other two as she gave orders to her nodding subordinate.

“Saro. I want you to stay behind and look after the others.” The captain ordered in a composed voice with her toned arms folded over her chest while her subordinate nodded his head.

“Understood captain.” The lieutenant agreed just as he glanced down with curious golden eyes when his leader handed him a wooden cup.

“Drink it. It’s a chi restoration potion.” Zoe commented in a steely undertone while Saro accepted the potion without hesitation.

“A chi restoration potion…” Saro trailed off as he tipped the drink back while Zoe held one out in offering to Jiao.

“What’s in it Zoe?” Jiao inquired in a skeptical voice as she scrutinized the potion while her partner’s face remained unexpressive.

While the two noblewomen watched from the rear with shuddering eyes as Saro promptly downed the drink.

All the while as the princess’s golden eyes flickered with a momentary sadistic gleam.

Only for the sound of the soldier recoiling in disgust to ring out into the air while the captain cleared her throat.

“Slug worm. Among many other ingredients.” Zoe answered in an aloof voice as Jiao’s blue eyes now gazed up at her in revulsion.

“Slug worm!” The lieutenant exclaimed in a shudder as he cringed while drinking what remained of the potion.

And the royal pilot also shuddered from where she sat with her golden eyes gazing ahead in revulsion.

“Slug worm…how appealing. I trust that you drank it Zoe?” The seductress pondered as she gazed up at her lover’s momentarily revolted face.

“I did yes. We all did.” The captain informed in a calm voice only to sigh when the younger woman pushed the drink away.

“I’ll pass Zoe. But thank you for drinking it for me. That was sweet of you.” Jiao spoke with a smile on her lips while all but her partner and Elle glared back at her.

And Azula’s callous eyes now stared at the back of her head in unhidden annoyance.

But she knew that she didn’t have any time to waste bickering with the aggravating peasant.

Now when foreign soldiers were encroaching into her domain.

“I am a soldier Jiao. I don’t flinch from my duty.” Zoe stated as she set the drink down while her companions turned to head for the doors.

“I know you don’t Zoe.” The seductress replied in a softer voice as she stood unmoving while a strong hand raised her chin upward.

While she now gazed up into unbelievably strong hazel eyes as the older female allowed herself to crack a small smile.

“You be careful now while I am away. And stay inside. Okay Jiao?” The captain instructed in guarding voice as she watched the younger woman placed her hands upon her belly.

“I will Zoe. And…. make sure that you don’t take too long.” Jiao muttered with rare affection in her voice while Zoe smiled down at her.

Just before she found herself being pulled forward into muscular arms.

Until her face hit the noblewoman’s chest while she gazed up with widened blue eyes into the warrior’s sanguine hazel gaze.

“I won’t Jiao.” Zoe assured as she placed one hand on the smaller woman’s back while Jiao nodded her head as she momentarily relaxed in her arms.

A few minutes after that.

The four highborn women and the young girl were making their way to the Sentinel Tree’s exit once more.

“Azula-sama?” Elle pondered in a thoughtful voice as Azula glanced down at her with a stern golden gaze.

“What is it Elle?” Azula answered as she strode closely to her betrothed while the younger girl frowned as she chewed on her lip.

“I have been thinking…both about what the sage said about…about my brother and of the visions that I saw of the older me.” The blonde-haired girl confessed in a reflective voice as she held onto the straps of her backpack while her friends listened attentively.

“Don’t worry your little mind about your brother. I will handle him for you.” The princess commented in a glacial voice with her imperious gaze staring back down at her handmaiden’s perturbed face.

All the while as a cold scowl graced her regal lips.

“Yeah Elle. Just leave it to us. We won’t let him hurt you ever again.” The brown-haired woman declared with her brown-gray eyes briefly losing her characteristic kindness while the teenager still bit her lip.

“And I have been pondering if maybe this means that I need to face him myself.” Elle announced without warning as all four of her friends turned to gaze back at her with shock in their eyes.

A state of speechlessness once again swept through the air as the teenager stared at all four of her highborn friends with a worried look in her amber eyes.

“Face him yourself?” The markswoman queried in a taken aback voice while the princess’s golden eyes narrowed in disapproval.

“That is out of the question servant. You are far too weak to face battle on your own accord.” Azula snapped with her boot tapping on the floor as she fingers grasped at the underside of her elbows.

“But…he’s my brother Azula-sama. And like it or not…he…he is the last blood relative that I have left.” The blonde-haired girl mumbled while her companions gazed at her with speechless looks in their eyes.

Even the princess was finding herself taken aback by her admirer’s slowly growing bolder side.

She could only gaze down at the girl with her golden eyes observing the shorter female closely with an ever-possessive stare.

She wasn’t certain if she liked or disliked this new side of her servant.

Perhaps a mix of the two.

“I…can hide from him all I want. But…I know that he’s out there hurting people. And when he hurts someone…I hurt.” Elle admitted in a quiet voice with her tresses overshadowing her eyes while Azula’s beautiful lips parted in surprise.

While the three noblewomen gazed at their young friend with recognition in their eyes.

“Elle…” Ty Lee spoke in a gentle voice as she set a caring hand on Elle’s shoulder while a frown returned to her lips.

The girl really was too sweet for her own good.

“You really do have a good heart Elle.” The captain stated with great respect in her hazel eyes while she gazed down at the younger girl’s sensitive face.

Only for all of them to turn to their leader when the princess let out an arrogant scoff as she stomped her boot on the floor.

“Soft hearted peasant! Your weakness will be your undoing!” The princess snarled as she pointed a domineering finger in her girlfriend’s lovely face.

“Maybe so Azula-sama. But that’s the way I’ll flow.” The blonde-haired girl replied as she raised her eyes to meet her master’s glacial gaze while the monarch sighed once more.

“How many times must I tell you that your only concern is serving me. That is your one and only priority. Just focus on me and me alone Elle. And I will take care of the rest.” Azula commanded with her arms cross over her armored bust.

While she stared down at her serving girl with a fixated look in her cruel eyes.

Just as a pleased gleam flashed in her cold gaze when the girl nodded her little head.

And then her trademark regal scowl pulled upward into a gratified smile when her serving girl bounced in another respectful curtsy.

“Yes Azula-sama. As Her Highness commands.” Elle chirped with her hands tucked in neatly at her sides while she bent her head in reverence while Azula smiled in approval.

All the while as Mai let out another sigh as she fondly shook her head.

And Ty Lee grinned beside her once more.

While Zoe stood at the door with a small smile on her lips.

“Hm. Very good. Now listen well servant. I have orders for you.” The princess stated in an ever-controlling voice with her authoritative golden eyes staring down at her bowing girlfriend.

“What are your orders Azula-sama?” The blonde-haired girl asked in a courteous voice as she stood in a curtsy while her princess’s imposing eyes gazed down at her.

‘What a bizarre couple.’ Mai thought as she gazed at her two friends in bewilderment.

It took some time.

But by now she was mostly used to the two girl’s strange way of interacting.

“As my servant it is your duty to represent me with any and all foreign officials from this homeland of yours. You will obey only me and no matter what you will serve only me.” Azula spoke in a dictatorial voice with her dominant gaze never leaving her servant girl’s curtsying face.

While her crimson lips twitched upward once more when the girl bent her head to her in respect.

“O-only you Azula-sama. Your loyal girl serves you and you alone.” Elle stammered in an adorable voice as she bounced on her feet while Azula’s lips curved into a pleased smirk.

“That’s right peasant. Only me. And it goes without saying that I expect you to assist me in coaxing this friend of yours to serve me as well.” The princess remarked with charisma lacing her domineering voice while her pet bowed at the hip once more.

“I-I promise you that I will do all that I can princess. I…I will do my best to make you proud.” The blonde-haired girl declared with her emotional eyes closing shut in a faithful bow while her princess gazed down in recognition.

“Now rise servant and follow your princess. The time has come for you to defend your nation from these foreign invaders.” Azula ordered in a commanding voice as she waved her hand in in the air while Elle’s amber eyes snapped open in surprise.

While the three noblewomen were also gazing on in unspoken surprise to hear those words.

And the acrobat’s jaw could only drop open as she marveled over how deeply the two’s bond had grown.

To hear a woman as cruel as Azula openly induct a foreign girl as a Fire Nation citizen was nothing short of astonishing.

Of course, she knew that Azula had already decided on doing so long ago.

But it was still quite stunning to hear the Fire Princess say as much aloud.

“M-my n-nation Azula-sama?” Elle stuttered in a moved voice with her amber eyes gazing up at her princess in appreciation while Azula rolled her lovely eyes over her.

“I’m not even going to answer that Elle. You’ll just have to interpret the rolling of my eyes.” The princess snorted as she turned to walk away while the acrobat smiled as she followed after her.

Just as a cry of joy rang out into the air as Azula strode with her hands behind her back while Elle broke out into a hasty sprint after the older girl’s footfalls.

“Arigatou gozaimasu Azula-sama! Arigatou!” The blonde-haired girl cried out in an emotional voice as she ran in step alongside her much taller caretaker.

While her princess surveyed her through the corner of her cold golden eye.

“The Fire Nation is your home. And it always will be.” Azula spoke with just a twinge of fondness permeating her strict voice as she gazed down at the younger girl’s overjoyed face.

“Yes Azula-sama….my home.” Elle agreed as she eagerly nodded her head with a joyful tear trailing down her cheek.

While the princess gazed down with stern golden eyes before she turned her hardened gaze ahead.

And then in that very moment her ruthless gaze narrowed into a truly intimidating stare as she listened to distant sounds outside.

All the while as her serving girl rushed alongside her.

And then not a second later the captain pushed the door open.

While the sun shone into the inside of the Sentinel Tree as they all gazed out with determined expressions in their eyes.

Before the princess set one boot outside the reddened barrier with her hand falling to the hilt of her sheathed sword once more.

While the peasant girl stood diligently beside her as she turned to gaze down into the younger girl’s gentle eyes once more.

The princess and the peasant gazed into each other’s eyes as they silently communicated by gaze alone.

And then the duo stepped outside of the vast barrier.

And shortly after that they proceeded into the dense forest as one.

[peppymint1986]

Who needs a laugh, or some advice

Source: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

I highly recommend going to the site and checking out the ones that did not make the top 100 list.  

Peter’s Evil Overlord List

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

[mst3kproject]

War of the Gargantuas

I know it’s not fair to go WTF, Japan? Japan has an entire film industry that I am mostly unfamiliar with.  They produce spy thrillers and romcoms and historical dramas in far greater numbers than they do weird-ass monster movies, and I really shouldn’t judge other countries’ cinema when I come from the land that produced Phil the Alien and Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter.  But then I watch something like War of the Gargantuas and I just… WTF, Japan?

In the first three minutes of this movie, a giant octopus with pulsating red eyes attacks a ship, but a shaggy green giant shows up, pounds the mollusk into submission… and then sinks the boat himself because fuck boats, I guess.  The Maritime Safety Board call the heavily medicated Dr. Paul Stuart, who had a ‘young gargantua’ in captivity a few years ago.  The creature escaped, but Dr. Stuart and his assistant Akemi insist that it was very gentle and tame, and could never have grown into such a monster. Further investigation reveals that there are two gargantuas, the green one living in the sea and a brown one up in the mountains – and that the green one grew, Reptilicus-style, from a scrap of flesh lost by the brown one!  This means, sure enough, that if you blow them to bits you’ll end up with a whole army of the things.  Fortunately, no movie with more than one kaiju in it has ever ended without the two of them fighting to the death!

Actually, the ending is way stupider than that. The two giants are in the ocean, kicking each other’s asses, when deus ex volcano suddenly erupts underneath them. This sucked in Legend of the Dinosaurs and sure enough, it sucks here, too.  It does provide a solution to the thing where any still-living scrap will grow back, but it renders everything the human characters have done ultimately pointless.

That means, yep, this is yet another movie in which the so-called heroes do nothing! Stuart and Akemi definitely get the most screen time.  They travel from place to place, looking for clues and having dull conversations, and a couple of times Akemi gets into peril so that Stuart and the brown giant can save her, but they never really do anything.  Nick Adams as Stuart looks like he has about as much idea what’s going on as Tom Holland in any given Avengers movie.  Judging by the movements of his lips, he’s speaking English while his co-stars’ lines are in Japanese, so it’s entirely possible he really doesn’t know what anybody’s saying.  He wanders around and mutters his lines like he’s high as a kite.

The closest Stuart and Akemi come to doing anything important is in flashback, where we get a brief look at them raising the baby gargantua they found somewhere.  This creature looks like a cross between bigfoot and one of those Japanese hot spring monkeys, and we’re supposed to infer a special bond between him and Akemi as she teaches him to drink with a straw.  In the movie proper, our supposed heroes urge the military not to blow the giants apart, and insist that the brown one is nice and should be allowed to live.  They fail, unequivocally, in both of these endeavors.  The army just keeps shooting at the giants with or without permission, and the general decides that the brown giant is an acceptable loss if they can kill the green one.  It might have worked slightly better if Brown had been saved by chance at the end, but he isn’t – the volcanic eruption consumes them both.

Since Stuart and Akemi don’t do much, the closest thing we have to an arc in this movie is, believe it or not, the two monsters. They represent the two sides of the kaiju coin – green is the monster that destroys humans, brown is the gentle creature that protects them.  The dual nature of Godzilla and his brethren was sufficiently well-established by 1966 that this might be an intentional attempt to comment on the genre, and it’s presented far more explicitly than the ‘good’ and ‘evil’ of monsters in a lot of films.  Brown is good and leaves humans alone, except when they need his help – then he goes so far out of his way to save Akemi than he actually breaks a leg when a boulder falls on it.  Green is evil, and actively seeks out humans to hurt them.

Green’s behaviour is at times quite shocking for a movie of this type.  In a lot of Japanese monster movies, particularly the ones in which the monsters become characters rather than mere forces of nature, human deaths are more implied than shown.  We may get shots of people running and screaming and debris falling, and that one guy hanging on to the tree in every single movie that ever had Rodan in it. The aftermath may show people in shelters or hospitals, but the monsters fight in empty streets and we’re often told that the cities they’re smashing have been evacuated.  Even when people do die, it’s more as a side effect of a giant creature moving around in a restricted environment.  The green giant, however, actually picks up humans and eats them, spitting out the bloody clothes when he’s done!  More than once we are actually shown somebody screaming in his grip as he raises the unfortunate victim to his mouth!

This dichotomy could provide the monsters with a good reason to fight, with a lot at stake for the humans, but War of the Gartantuas doesn’t make proper use of the idea.  We are never given a clear motive for the conflict that develops between the two giants.  When we first see them together, Brown is rescuing Green from the humans who want to hurt him, helping him hide from them and cleaning his wounds.  This brotherly relationship falls apart immediately once Brown rescues Akemi, but Green was not the one who put Akemi in danger. Perhaps Brown takes exception to Green eating people, but he never sees Green do that, either.  Perhaps he’s supposed to be upset that Green has turned the humans against them both, but the scene in which tourists run screaming from a giant, we can’t see well enough to know if it’s Brown or Green.  A little more insight into what the two monsters think of each other and how those feelings change could have been quite interesting.

All this means that even though War of the Gargantuas sounds like it should be ridiculous enough to be a good time, it doesn’t really have a lot to offer.  On a level of plot and visuals, this one emerges straight from the pits of WTF Japan that gave us Godzilla vs Megalon and Prince of Space. We have two hairy ogre-faced giants and a gratuitous monster octopus!  We’ve got laser gun battles and pretty women in peril and plot twists that make no goddamn sense!  Unfortunately, we’re never sufficiently interested in any of these characters, even the monsters, to really care, and the stupid ending leaves us wondering what happened to the WTF Japan movie we started with.  I cannot decide if the film takes itself too seriously or not seriously enough, but I feel like a slight nudge in either direction might have done wonders.

In This Island Earth the characters were pretty useless but at least their were some nice things to look at.  War of the Gargantuas doesn’t even have much by way of spectacle.  Some of the mountain scenery is very nice and tehre’s at least one very pretty matte painting, but there’s very little destruction of miniatures outside of one absolutely stellar moment when Green picks up a row of tanks, one by one, and throws them – each one lands squarely on somebody’s house, which is utterly destroyed… because fuck houses too, they’re basically land boats, am I right? Having discovered that the green giant is afraid of light, the army tries to fight it with lasers.  The effect for this is okay but not very interesting, and there are a couple of shots in which the giant costume is definitely on fire.  I hope the guy inside it was okay.

Insofar as the movie has anything to say, there’s some vestige present of a point about the trouble that develops when wildlife becomes acclimatized to a human presence.  At the beginning of the movie, the green gargantua is afraid of light, and so both the army and civilians use light to force him back into the ocean.  Later, however, he realizes that light means people and people mean food.  This is somewhat similar to what happens when bears, for example, learn that they can get food from campgrounds.  The bears leave their natural niches to go for these easier meals, thus putting both themselves and the humans in danger.  The situation is magnified in the movie because people are literally what Green eats, although it never tells us how or why he developed a taste for them.

If this were intended, then the movie neuters it just as it neuters the main human characters, by ending in a volcanic eruption. It’s a dumb coincidence that sucks all the impact out of the film like a narrative black hole.

War of the Gargantuas has also got one of the worst musical numbers I’ve ever seen in a movie, including some of the crap that was on MST3K!  There’s a gratuitous song performed by a terrible singer (the song itself is not very good, but it’s mostly her) on a restaurant balcony, oblivious to the monster looming up behind her.  I can just hear Tom and Crow chanting “eat her!  Eat her!” while Jonah tries helplessly to convince them that’s wrong.

[theangrypokemaniac]

Sinnoh has massive flaws as an era, although it's starting to feel like the good old days compared to the present piss-poor offerings.

The major drawback is the amount of 'recurring characters', ones not good enough to be in it fully, but inflicted upon us nevertheless.

I did care about Ash. I did care about Team Rocket.

I was prepared to care about The Misty Replacement, as in the girl shipped with Ash.

I was prepared to care about The Brock Replacement, that is the older brother figure who does all the cooking, carries the medicine, and knows about Pokémon.

I don't give a toss about extras who outstay their welcome.

Hoenn only had Drew and Harley. What was wrong with that?

There are just too bloody many.

Why does Dawn require so many opponents, as if she's of the greatest importance? Why won't Jessie suffice?

I accept the necessity of Paul as The Rival, and we were at least permitted to resent him initially, before the writers fanboy'd like there was no tomorrow.

I admit I liked two of them. They therefore featured the least.

Typical.

Nando

The Blondel of Iberia

A softly-spoken, raven-locked troubadour, roaming the many pathways of life, playing his songs for those weary travellers he encounters on the road.

He's wearing a cloak! The finest use of material to ever be invented!

All this ethereal grace considering the dub lumbered him with the most appallingly unsuitable name possible.

It could've been Raphael, or Dante, or Leonardo.

Oh no, let's name him after a restaurant chain. That adds gravitas.

His lyre pays tribute to Mew, because Nando knows she's The Rarest Of All Pokémon, thus refuses to be impressed by any deformed horse like Arceus throwing its weight around.

Damn straight.

Ursula

A pretty girl with lovely clothes and the spark of a proper personality.

You're not wanted round these parts, love.

I have no particular animosity towards Dawn, but it irritates me how the world revolves around her whims, where if she's lost in the woods, it's a major disaster, and if an attack heads in her direction, she must be protected in case she shatters.

It makes a refreshing change to find someone firmly inoculated against the lures of the temptress.

Also, alongside Ursula from Dinosaur King (the real Jessie), I'm glad of any attempt to reclaim that name, considering most of my generation, upon hearing it, think only about evil old octopus women.

As for the rest?

It's that bad I prefer the Unova bunch to these.

Reggie

Reggie is even more of a knob than Paul. As above, being Ash's enemy meant that, if only by narrative, he was intended to be somewhat disliked.

Not Reginald. No, he's the kind one.

Oh really?

When Ash and Paul have their showdown, Reg starts wittering that it's just as well Chimchar took up with Ash, since he wasn't suited to Paul's 'battle style'.

Battle style.

Is the what he calls mental and physical cruelty?

In Reg's amoral cesspit of a mind, there is no right and wrong, so do whatever you feel.

Reggie is quite aware of how his brother tortures Pokémon, and not only is he unconcerned, he excuses it with euphemism, hoping the audience will obligingly forget too.

What's more, he implies it's Chimchar's fault for not pulling his weight, and Paul abandoning him was the compassionate thing to do.

Cynthia

Suffering severe Bridge Nose Syndrome.

She may be Champion, but I don't remember Lance turning up all the time where he wasn't wanted.

She doesn't even use her influence properly. Rather than give it straight to Paul, order him to shape up and stop spanking the monkey, she fannies about with her cod mysticism, emptily preaching about how Ash and Paul are spiritually linked, with magical, beeyewteefull events taking form just because they met.

That's right, don't bother about Paul clearly being a psychopath, for 'tis ART!

It's the same as trying to convince me that Ash, Dawn and Brock were the Divine Trio because they all saw Something Nasty In The Lake District, as if they have an intrinsic bond foretold in ancient prophecy.

The writers pull this knowing two thirds of the Holy Trinity, plus Paul the Fallen Angel, will be leaving, at which point we'll be expected to stop being overawed at the great majesty they all apparently possess and transfer allegiance to their usurpers.

What's the point?

Angie

Yet another smackhead from that lunatic stare.

What shining genius decided giving all the characters contracted pupils was a good idea?

She looks like one of those kids whose parents dealt with nits the traditional way:

Shaving the entire head and painting it purple.

A barnet resembling privet hacked at by a paralytic gardener before he conked out.

I've seen her arc three or four times, and I still remember nothing about her, except for the amazing skill she possesses to make Ash sneeze on command from a distance.

Conway

One word: nonce.

A clichéd weirdo fitting into Pokémon's Four-Eyed Freaks fixation, where anyone with a slight visual impairment is a weedy, know-it-all bastard or on a register.

Oh yes, and this lad comes with hidden delights, because his glasses gleam like a giant cockroach, just in case he wasn't creepy enough.

Zoey

The human black hole. Has the incredible ability to suck all the joy out of a room just by appearing. A personage of absolute lead.

Too nice and over familiar, lacking a single detectable personality trait.

Bland, empty, and with the charisma of vomit-sodden cardboard.

Sinnoh is a prolonged saga as it is, padded with nonentities like her and Kenny.

Alright, episodes must be devoted to Dawn's Contest career, however tiresome it is, but why exactly do we need any about Zoey and Kenny? Why should we care?

Every time I sat through a competition Dawn lost, I resented that she was no further along on her quest, equating to another episode eaten away by this shallow, blackened hymn to superficiality.

Compare this indulgent treatment to the sneering disrespect shown to Jessie, an actual main character, who not only had to win her Ribbons practically off screen, but the writers delighted in hammering home how worthless she was in only scraping into the Grand Festival because Princess Salvia took pity on the deluded wretch.

They favour their own inventions over the original cast, then dump 'em as soon as the next generation arrives, so how could they ever matter if even the creators eagerly cast them aside?

After all the effort on my part to put up with the entire witless farce, Zoey beats Dawn in the finals!

Why?!

I understood the unspoken law of Ash not being allowed to win a League until the very last series, for fear whatever came after would be anticlimactic, but why should this deadening failure apply to May and Dawn?

By the culmination of the Contest rigmarole, it's obvious they'll be making their exit for the next region's Girl, so why couldn't either bid farewell to the fans with a victory?

Why must they be incompetent too?

Even if achieving their dream dampened any hunger to carry on, they're departing anyway, so what difference does it make?

At least Ash will continue, but for May and Dawn, it's the end.

How could any fan be satisfied with a smarmy vacuum of a creature like Zoey succeeding instead?

Barry

Eyes of molten evil.

The second-worst character ever created (Iris is top of the ranks), Barry is a smug, arrogant, screeching dweeb jabbering his oh-so endearing catchphrase about fining anyone who slightly irks him, so sure is he that his feelings should come above everyone else's

He truly believes he has a God-given entitlement to demand lesser lifeforms should arrange themselves to suit his pleasure, that they are morally compelled to shield him from  meagre inconvenience.

Twat.

Knocking the little geck out of the League was the most noble thing Paul ever did. It practically redeems him.

This is what I cannot comprehend:

Ursula is openly conceited, rude to Dawn, and brags about her own excellence even after losing.

We're asked to dislike her.

Barry slags Ash off constantly, is convinced of his own divinity, and jeers at Team Rocket.

We're supposed to see him as a 'good guy' and welcome his arrival.

Why? Are Ash and Team Rocket fair game, but offending Saint Dawn's intolerable?

Again, it astounds me how temporary, region-specific stars seem to count for more than those who've been here since the beginning.

Whilst they're here, that is. Once gone, you wouldn't know they'd existed.

Kenny

He wears a matador outfit to compete.

It's a crying shame Tauros was never given the opportunity to gore him.

As usual, it's Piplup I blame.

Each generation likes to flaunt the starter Pokémon, presumably in the hope of flogging more games, that's why Ash usually catches all three, or they're spread out amongst his friends.

It's about time Team Rocket had one.

Can't do that, they only appear five times per series now.

Piplup is a whiny attention whore who refuses to evolve. In consequence, he can't advertise the next stages in the evolution chain, so we have to keep seeing Barry and Kenny instead, that's why Empoleon and Prinplup are always walking about.

This equates to three characters having the same Pokémon, albeit in different incarnations.

There's variety.

However, Kenny's true purpose is much more grim than that.

Fans will ship Ash with The Girl, a useless endeavour when it's destined to come to nothing when she's kicked out.

In Hoenn and Sinnoh, an effort was made to wean shippers off in preparation for the upcoming split, so alternative suitors were introduced, with the girls effectively pushed on to them.

May got Drew.

I don't mind that. He had some refinements.

Dawn got Kenny.

...

What, you want me to cheer for such a revolting couple?

Have I not suffered enough?

What unpardonable crime did Dawn do to deserve such a horrible fate?

She's not a bad-looking girl. She can do better than an ugly, portly, shrunken, pie-faced cretin! 

You do this to me when Nando exists?

Sod the age gap, that never concerned anyone here.

This being the Kenny who spends four years belittling Dawn by constantly reminding her of a humiliating childhood experience, even giving her a nickname too!

Dawn is visibly distressed when he does this, but he's a fine candidate for romance?

She has to settle for a sweaty, lecherous herbert like him, who doesn't even try to atone for his unfortunate mug by being kind?

I suspect the whole Sinnoh adventure was really him wearing down her self-esteem until she believed he was the best available, wanting her to be grateful for his slobbery attentions.

It won't stop there either. He'll trap her for the rest of her life by isolating her from friends, followed by accusations of how undeserving she is of his 'love'.

Such is Dawn's lot: absent father, pushy mother, whinging penguin and abusive boyfriend.

Kenny's already a perv:

He's not looking at her face.

She knows he's not.

Ash and Pikachu have noticed an interesting feature further down.

Aipom likes it too.

[littlemisssquiggles]

Do you think that based off the end credits scene in volume 6 that we may have Oscar being captured by Salem or/and Ozcar vs Salem. Oscar is most likely based on Dorothy and Salem was making those flying monkeys which are literally in the wizard of Oz???

Hmm…I’mmore banking my money on Oscar being kidnapped along with Ruby. I’ve beenitching for a standalone Dark Domainseason of RWBY where it’s just our titular younger, more honest souls surviving the Land of Darkness alonefar away from the aid of their comrades left behind in Atlas.

I’vehad this theory since V5 that unlike the Battle of Haven, the Battle of Atlaswill end in a seriousloss for the heroes, more detrimentalthan that of the Fall of Beacon. I’ve heard other fans mention that Miles andKerry said they would never do anything to the level of V3 ever again which tome sounds too underwhelming to believe. For the sake of sounding arrogant, isn’ta part of storytelling showing a willingness to raise the stakes once in awhile when the storyline requires it?

Ifanything, the CRWBY Writers are selling themselves short by not pushing theboundaries in terms of the finales. V3 till this date still holds the bestseason finales in the entire series. Even after three more seasons, V3 is stillthe most memorable and I’d like to think that is due to the impact it left onthe FNDM community. Instead of topping V3, the CRWBY have taken a step backinstead of stepping up which is a habit they need to break especially now thatwe’re entering a new arc trilogy.

TheMistral Arc admittedly suffered due tosome shortcomings and mishaps when it came to the writing. This is why I findit very disbelieving that Miles and Kerry would openly say they would never doanything like V3 again. If your aim is not to bring something better than whatis considered to be your best work in RWBY as far as closing off a season goes then…whyshould the fans bother to have expectations forany season finale going forward? I dunno. I just find that very hard to believeand if anyone can pinpoint me to the evidence that proved the CRWBY Writersmade this statement then that would be awesome, thank you in advance.

Isincerely hope that point isn’t true. I want Miles and Kerry to keep getting betterwith their writing. I want to see them improve and give a story in RWBY thatkeeps getting better not progressively worse. Throughout almost the entirety ofthe Mistral Arc, I heard complaints from fans. I heard more complaints thanpeople who genuinely enjoyed the arc and that’s disheartening to hear. I’m hopingthat Miles and Kerry learned from, not just from V6 but the full Mistral Arc asa whole. Let the Mistral Arc being a testament to the Writers that they cannotafford another one of these types of seasons where everything feels disjointed.

Itdoesn’t matter how much more beautiful the visuals in RWBY becomes or how epicthe fight scenes improve. All that will matter naught if the story doesn’t liveup to the improvements in the other aspects of the animation because  the story is what holds everything together. Mindyou, this isn’t me trying to rag on the Writers. This is me saying that I hopethe Writers learned from the past arc and will work even harder to ensure thatthe Atlas Arcis a better trilogy; not just for V7 but for V7 through 9.

V7 is the first instalmentin another trilogy and for what it’s worth, I’m hoping the Writers tell abetter cohesive one where the events of each volume is interconnected so it feels like a trilogy,y’know what I’m saying.

Anyways…backin V3,just as the heroes were beginning to get comfortable in Vale, in came thevillains to pull that rug from underneath them and I wouldn’t be surprised ifsomething similar happens for Atlas. Currently, our heroes believe that Alas is the safestkingdom in Remnant due to itsmilitary forces and technological advances which aids in its security. I have afeeling that the heroes are going to get comfortable andit wouldn’t surprise me either if the Atlesians also share this sense ofnonchalance about their culture.

Likethey all believe Atlas to be so superior in everything that they can’t evenbegin to fathom Atlas ever falling to the hands of the forces of evil likeVale. SomehowI’m picturing Atlasbeing like the Ba Sing Se of RWBY. Y’know there is no war outside of Atlas or everything is safe in Atlas. Not necessarilybrainwashing citizens to think like that. Then again, in a sense I can see theAtlesians’ pride being what keeps them from believing that a war is on thehorizon as well as the Atlesian military making the citizens believe that theyare fully prepared to combat any oncoming forces. After all, that’s what we sawat the end of V6.

Huh. Maybe Atlas will be likeBa Sing Se.

All the more reason why I think Atlas is going to fall straight out of the sky. Ieven remember making a joke aboutIronwood attaching rockets to Atlas and taking it to the sky to keep it safe.Who knew that that is literally what Atlas is. The Kingdom in the Sky.

Anyways,my hunch is that by the end of the Atlas Arc, Salem would’ve sent her fullblown army of flying Beringels to ravage and pillage the kingdom. Atlas willfall. Literally.Salem would successfully acquired the Relic of Knowledge and Creation. Then thereis the possibility of Qrow and Ironwood both being severely injured. Accordingto the Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witchhad ordered her monkeys to dismember and destroy the Scarecrow and the TinWoodman while kidnapping Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion.

So I feel like asimilar fate could befall Qrow and Ironwood. They can be severely wounded bythe winged Beringels. Another part to my theory is Oscar’s sacrifice. I recentlyshared a musingpost about Salem threatening to unleash her army upon Atlas unless Oscar (technicallyOzpin) didn’t surrender himself. Though the heroes did their best tocombat this, in the end, Oscar had no choice but to give himself up and istragically taken away.

Iknow Oscar is inspired by Dorothy Gale however, it has also been said that Rubyshares that same inspiration. Not to mention that there are fans who more seeOscar taking more influence from Princess Ozma than Dorothy. Overall, eitherway it fits with the source material.

Inthe Wizard of Oz,Dorothy was kidnapped by the flying monkeys. In the Lost Princess of Oz, Princess Ozmais kidnapped and it’s her closest friend, Dorothy who leads a search party toher rescue. Then there’s Glinda of Oz, the book in which both Dorothy andOzma are kidnapped by the wicked Queen Coo-ee-oh.

Whether Oscar isbased off of Dorothy and/or Princess Ozma, either way, as saddening as it is tosay as a Pinehead, Oscar is in dangerfor the Atlas Arc. There is no doubt now that Oscar is going to be kidnapped and taken toSalem. It’s going to happen m’dudes.

Thewinged Beringels are going to succeed in taking Oscar away. However, I don’tthink he’s the only one who will be kidnapped. After all, Ruby also sharesinspiration from Dorothy. Not to mention that before Oscar, Ruby had a targeton her head as well. Remember Salem had originally ordered Tyrian Callows to take Rubyhostage but he failed thefirst time.

And since the heroeswill be reuniting with the Scorpion Fauns in Atlas, I doubt Tyrian isgoing to see Ruby and not want to either enact his revenge on her or worst, finish the mission he had failed to succeed. So I have a feeling Ruby will betaken alongside Oscar.  I’mcalling it. The Rosebudswill become prisoners of Salem by the end of the Atlas Arc

Asa matter of fact, here are my small predictions:

TheCRWBY Writers aregoing to start REALLY pushing Ruby and Oscar’s growing bond in Atlas givingtheir buddingfriendship more focus and depthbetween V7 andV8 as a means of preparing them (and the audience) for what’s to come of themlater.

BothOscar and Ruby will become prisoners of Salem. Both younger huntsmen will betaken to the Dark Domain to be delivered to Salem but will daringly escapetheir captivity.

Fromthere, Ruby and Oscar will be on their own, completely outside of theirelement, in the Dark Domain forced to make the perilous trek across it. Theyhave no idea what happened to their friends back in Atlas. No idea if anyonemade it out alive or not. And what’s worst is that they’re forced to not eventhink about it. The Dark Domain is the literal birthing grounds of the Grimmand if Ruby and Oscar planned on making it out alive, they were going to haveto keep a level head and depend solely on each other to survive.

Ithink I’ll save the rest of my predictions for a Dark Domain Arc for anothermusing. For now, that’s what I’m thinking. I’d actually be more excited towatch a fullseason of just Ruby and Oscar surviving the Dark Domain together, fighting off theGrimm while avoiding Salem’s pawns sent to hunt them down.

We’venever gotten a season where it’s just two characters as the primary focus---I’dactually love to see how the CRWBY Writers would tackle a volume where theyonly have to worry about developing two or three characters as opposed to thefull plethora they have. But that’s just me.

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

[cloudbatcave]

Back in Unova we go!

My first gripe is the Skyarrow Bridge, which connects Nacrene (the town that had the museum Plasma stole from, prompting me to be press-ganged to chase them) to Castelia (the new york city ripoff of the game).

It’s pretty! It’s cool in concept! It’s Nintendo holding it up with trembling hands and going “look, ma, I can do 3D now! Sort of!”

Iit’s a giant pain in the ass to get through as it takes at least a minute of keeping your finger on the B button to run across.

Normally I wouldn’t even have cared, so let’s rewind a bit to why I do.

So I finished kicking the shit out of Plasma, nothing notable there except that I kept getting jumped by ranger trainers who gave me berries like the weird hippies they are.

I nonchalantly jumped over a ridge to get out of the forest…only to realize I had trapped myself between that ridge (which, for those blissfully not in the know, cannot be jumped back over because in pokemon games they only work one way) and the rest of the trainers on the non-forest part of the route I hadn’t fought yet because I had been busy with the game’s resident brainwashed multitude of cosplaying weirdos.

This was an issue because at this point in the game, I do not have much money, and I had only been able to afford so many potions, most of which I had used to heal while either fighting trainers or wild pokemon. My guys were wiped, and several fights stood between me and the Nacrene pokemon center.

So that meant I had to trundle my ass toward the end of the route, take the bridge to Castelia, go to ITS pokemon center, and THEN go back and finish off the other trainers before turning right around again.

It’s especially galling considering that gen 5 has an NPC that will heal you…in the other part of the forest. But not, you know, where it would be actually helpful during the game’s plot portion.

On the more amusing side of things, it’s always funny to see how dumb Plasma is. When I beat up the last of them, one of the seven sages showed up and talked about how the skull they stole wasn’t the pokemon they were looking for anyway.

Who saw that coming?? It was obviously a dragonite skull, not a legendary. I just…it’s such a dumb excuse to have this plot bit. The writing for Team Plasma is so poor.

Picking up in Castelia, I walk around exploring that and meet some folks.

“Working women are beautiful, and battling pokemon is wonderful!” This chick knows where it’s at.

“Being healthy’s the best, because when you’re healthy you can do anything!”

You’re not wrong, random man, but I hope you don’t say this to just anyone who passes by because I feel it’s a tad insensitive to say to...literally anyone who isn’t the pinnacle of health.

“When my thrown poke ball rocks three times and I hear that great “click”…There are many things in my life that bring me joy!”

Can we not all relate? Good content, A+.

“Strength is not in the size of a body, it’s in the size of a heart!”

I mean…strength is in a heart, literally and metaphorically? It is also in the size of a body. Both are true, random old docks man.

“That black boat…what could it be?”

The people of Unova are not very genre savvy at the best of times.

It isn’t very open-minded to judge someone by the color of their boat, but given this is pokemon, you’d be justified in preemptively setting it on fire to deter the Obviously Evil People who own it.

I innocently walk down a street and then Fuckface Glassesdick pops out of the gym at me like the world’s worst whack-a-mole.

“Hey, Chirae. I just challenged Burgh. He’s a seasoned Gym Leader. He made me work for that badge!”

Post it on your twitter, Cheren, because your 1.5 followers and a shoelace care more than I do.

“But for me, bug-type pokemon aren’t much of a challenge.”

Look at the big man in town, not intimidated by the pokemon type that has three weaknesses and five types that resist it. Very brave.

“I’m going to keep winning like this against all of the Unova region’s Gym Leaders!”

Sorry, what was that? I tuned out because I was imagining literally anything else but you talking.

“Then, I’ll head for the Pokemon League and outperform the champion!”

No one likes Alder, and yet, somehow, I feel you would be an even worse replacement because you don’t even have cool hair to make you slightly less intolerable.

“If I do that, everyone will admit what a strong Trainer I am…”

I would rather be fed live slugs.

“That will make feel truly alive…”

Am I being paid for this therapy session? I deserve compensation for the tedium being forcibly shoved down my earholes right now.

Oh thank god he finally walked away.

And then Burgh makes an entrance, naturally.

“Ah hah! You’re the one who fought Team Plasma in the Pinwheel Forest…”

Yeah dude that happened like, yesterday. You don’t need to announce it. I remember. I was there.

“If I remember, your name is…Chirae!”

I honestly do not give a fuck if you remember my name, as I intend on forgetting yours after I get your badge.

“Come to challenge the gym, I suppose?”

What gave it away? Was it me standing outside the gym looking like I really wanted to hit a smug prick with glasses and dark hair?

“Aww. Sorry, but could you wait a bit?”

You’re going to give me a fetch quest, aren’t you.

“I was informed that Team Plasma has shown up!”

EVEN WORSE. Yet again I ask where the fucking police are. We’re not in artsy fartsy town anymore, Castelia is a whole-ass city. Why in god’s name is there not some way of keeping the peace that isn’t random trainers?

“In fact…Come with me! I’m going to the dock at Prime Pier!”

Who writes the child labor laws in unova? Monkeys?

also I have not finished ambling around the city yet and that is incredibly more important than this travesty of a plot so Burgh gets to wait on me now.

and he zips off into the night, just assuming I know where he’s headed in this city I literally only arrived in today.

[killian-whump]

OUAT 2x11: Rewatch Blog

Alright, everybody. Buckle yourselves in, because this is gonna be one WILD ride of a Rewatch Blog right here. Today’s episode is “The Outsider” - also known as “The Episode Where Killian Jones Is Attacked with a Bookshelf, Beaned with an Oar, Knocked into the Hold of His Own Ship, Beaten with a Cane, Almost Straight-Up Murdered, Slapped and Demeaned, Having Just About the Worst Day Humanly Possible... Then Gets Hit By a Car”.

There’s going to be a lot of flailing. There’s going to be a lot of GIFs.

And you’ll probably never see another Rewatch Blog from me, because I will be blogging and reblogging content from this episode for the rest of my life, because the sheer quantity of whump in this one episode is mind-boggling.

At any rate, let’s get on with the show!

You know, it’s a good thing Mr. Gold shelled out the money for a nice luxury car, because that trunk space seems to really come in handy for him.

Smee bondage and whump, if anyone’s into that ;)

Oh no, is this the episode with the Mogwai that isn’t actually a Mogwai, but I always think it’s a Mogwai because that’s the name that sticks in my head? I’m terrible at knowing which episode is which unless it’s cataloging Killian whump, then I know all. Anyway, this title card is kinda unimpressive.

Aww... It’s a funeral :( Sweet words from Snow, but I keep wondering who the poor sap is that’s actually buried in that coffin... and did they dig him/her up later and give them a proper burial under their own name? Or just figure, “Eh, that’ll do” and just forget about it?

I love how Pongo doesn’t actually seem sad, too. Easily ignored on first viewing, but on second viewing, he totally looks like, “Dudes... Why are we here?”

Mmm... I love it when Colin’s being aggressive and wicked <3

“I only have enough of this potion for one object.” And I don’t suppose you could, like, make more of it or anything XD This show is so silly sometimes.

Oh, it IS the Mogwai-that-isn’t-a-Mogwai episode. Know how I know? Here’s how I know: That’s the episode Belle makes this epic face in:

I feel you, Belle. I feel you.

Yaoguai. Yaoguai. NOT a Mogwai. Give me 20 minutes, it’ll be a Mogwai again.

“No man has been able to kill it.” Oh, I’ve heard THAT before.

La la la la la, Happy Day, Happy Morning, Happy Library.

OH SHIT, THERE’S A HOT PIRATE IN THE LIBRARY.

Aaaaaaaaaand there’s some improper usage of library resources. Incidentally, this is one of my favorite Hook bestings, because not everyone can say they were bested by a librarian with a cart of books.

Action Hook! Leaping and running...right into that door. Not his best moment. Oh, I know. Let’s hit the door. That should help. (Spoiler: It doesn’t.)

Umm... Convenient cell phone issues, ahoy! That’s always annoyed me.

“I trust you’ve seen one before.” Kinda snarky for someone setting out on a quest with the guy, I mean, at least try to make friends?

Nevermind, that dude’s an asshole. Although to be fair, she was rude first.

“It’s taken me weeks to track the Mogwai Yaoguai here.” “Yeah, I found it in a day.” Seriously, Belle? Seriously?! Tact.

‘I just can’t understand why people are being so mean to me...’

See, I don’t understand the convenient cell phone outage, when Gold’s just going to rush right over and find her and get the whole story from her anyway. Like, what purpose did that odd snafu cause? She could’ve just as easily gotten the message across on the phone or simply said, “Rumple! Help!” and explained more when he got there, and we wouldn’t have to suspend belief that her cell phone just mysteriously stopped getting reception right when she needed it.

Every time I watch this episode, they always leave out the best part.

“I managed to wrangle up a Pop Tart.” Emma, you culinary genius.

“No one is here.” “Yet.” FORESHADOWING!!!!

“This is really not your concern.” HE JUST STRAIGHT UP TRIED TO KILL HER, RUMPLE. I think that makes it her concern. “He attacked me. It most definitely is my concern.” See?! Even Belle agrees with me.

“She died. That’s all that matters.” Ummmmmmmmmm...

Surprisingly good plan, actually. And it makes sense how Smee would know all of this (although how he knew about the shawl is a mystery). I would’ve liked to have seen Smee and Hook reunite, though :(

Wow, Gold... Kinda being a major jerk right now. “How exactly are you gonna help me?!” I mean, it’s a valid question, but seriously. TACT, people.

“Promise me that you going after Hook is just about getting the shawl back.” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA, no. Kudos to him for not lying here, though.

“Wait, you’re a-” “Yeah, I know.” Heehee! :D

Oh no, the Monkey’s Fist that launched a million headcanons...

To be real, I don’t really buy into the headcanons, since a Monkey’s Fist is a ridiculously common knot and one used as a counterweight on sailing vessels, but I’m always a fan of painful headcanons, so I like it, anyway.

That said, I don’t even know why it was necessary. I mean, he’s a pirate. Seems like a no-brainer that he might’ve come to this realm with, you know, a ship. It just seems like a convoluted way to have Belle be able to use her book smarts to solve a mystery that shouldn’t be a mystery at all.

Awww... Smee is cute as a rat :D

LOL, I love the way Belle walks with the gun, swinging it like it’s a handbag or something. Haha. Gun safety classes. Pronto.

See, now THAT was clever sleuthing, hearing the ship, seeing the birds landing on something that isn’t there... and especially tossing the sand.

Action Belle! Rescuing Archie! Woowoo!

...straight into dish drying. Seriously, the segues on this show...

Umm... Listening in on extensions isn’t really cool.

“How did he get in here?” He pushed the door right open. We watched him do it, like, 5 seconds ago. You didn’t lock the door, obviously. DON’T YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A TOWN WITH EVIL VILLAINS RUNNING AMOK? Although, to be fair, those villains aren’t the kind who let door locks stop them, so why bother... but then don’t act surprised when dogs push your front door open!

...Also, giving your kid a dog without asking the people you live with if that’s okay is also not cool. Just saying, haha.

You know, I’d question the likelihood of Hook hiding the key to a locked box literally right next to the box in question, but this is a man who also hid the Shears of Motherfucking Destiny in a tool box in the shed, so...

“That doesn’t belong to you.” Like that’s gonna work, haha.

I knew she shouldn’t have set the gun down.

“You are.” “Me?” Yes, you and your fantastic cleavage.

To his credit, he didn’t just blow her head off right here, when he easily could’ve.

Aaaaaand now it’s time for ridiculously sexual conversating.

Aw, random Millian feels T_T “Because she made it.” T_T

“Died. Like it was some kind of accident. Is that what he told you?” That really was a pretty massive whitewashing Rumple did right there.

“His heart is true... and yours? Yours is rotten.” Okay, Jan.

Heeeeeeeeeeey, that’s not Colin!

No matter what the occasion or the peril, it’s always a good time for puns.

HOOK WHUMP HOOK WHUMP HOOK WHUMP YAAAAAY

“You may want to turn away, Belle. This isn’t gonna be pretty.” I beg to differ. This scene is beautiful, actually. All kinds of blood and pain and wavering voices and begging for death and slapping and humiliation... Yum.

I did warn you guys there would be flailing.

WHY WOULD YOU CUT AWAY FROM THAT SCENE. THIS IS WHY THE MOGWAI ANGERS ME. DON’T CUT AWAY FROM HOOK WHUMP FOR SILLY MOGWAIS OR WHATEVER THEY ARE *flail*

Also, he should’ve been naked. I mean, it makes sense. And... naked.

“Do it! Do it! Kill me! He has to show you how powerful he is. Rip my heart out. Kill me like you did Milah, and then I’ll finally be reunited with her.”

THAT HURTS ME, GUYS. IT HURTS ME T_T My baby...

Rumple’s response makes me laugh every time, though.

‘I MEAN, COME ON, NOW I LITERALLY HAVE TO.’

Oh gods, guys, that slap is my favorite Hook slap ever. It’s just so patronizing and insulting and... AHH, I’M ALIVE.

...and that tiny smirk at the very end. Homeboy’s not done with yoooou :D

Domestic issues over house hunting in aisle three.

It’s really sad when little boys want to build armories to protect themselves from their Other Mom :( Seriously, show. That’s a low blow :(

Well, here we are... Late night drive... Five minutes left in the show... Not like anything much is gonna happen here...

Oh, a random flashback... Evil Queen capturing Belle... Nice, nice.

Only three minutes left now, awww, Gold can leave town <3

Two minutes left now, it’s not like they have time to- OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHOT BELLE

OH MY GOD HE LOOKS HOT BLOODY AND FIRING A GUN

“Oh, fear not, she’ll live. She’ll just have no idea who you are.” “What you’ve done cannot be undone!!!” “Well, now you finally know how it feels!” I love that exchange. Really and truly <3

Only one minute to go, there’s no way there could be any more unexpected twists or turns or - OH MY GOD IT’S A CAR

OH MY GOD LOOK AT RUMPLE MOVE

OH MY GOD HOOK GOT HIT BY THE CAR

OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT FUCKER FLY!

OH MY GOD I THINK HE’S DEAD D:

(Spoiler Alert: He’s not dead.)

OH MY GOD THAT’S THE END

OH MY GOD PEW PEW PEW PEW

[eternalloveheart]

Morality: God or man?

I started reading the book “What if the bible never existed” by Dr Kennedy. He explores the importance of the bible by its impact on the world. I am only a few chapters in so far just wanting to bring out my thoughts and the quotes I pulled that made me think. I am pretty much summarizing my take on the points of the first few chapters. I will be making more posts on this book with different points. I know this is a blog so I am not making this into some kind of academic essay just posting the aftermath of my reading.

God or man’s?

There are many reasons we cannot officially have a moral code without God. One main “reason you can’t have morality without religion is not that can’t draw up a common code of ethics. It is that without an external authority, most people will not follow it. Now, I will grant that the humanists have drawn up a code, and they have gotten some people to follow it” (Dr Kennedy, page 435).

Brute force

It seems one of the easiest successful ways to get people to conform to a set of moral rules is by religion. A main problem is being human we know that everyone is capable of just as much evil as us if not more with no true claim to some high ground. I have personally asked some atheists how one might go about ensuring morality with those who do not agree with them such as sociopaths who have no empathetic compass. I explained that religion has helped a sociopath namely David Wood turn from his murderous ways to live a life for God. I wait attentively for a response only to hear the atheist respond with the words “brute force”.

It is difficult to use of brute force as it often leads to tyranny and rebellions. I am taking a policing course where we overview policing history. History shows it only aggravates the people further when more force was involved such as military intervention. It went against the human desire for a decent amount of liberties and rights (which even a sociopath would desire). In the Journal of Criminal Law, Criminology, and Police Science, Vol. 55 by J. L Lyman from the Northwest university of Law there is a review of historical mistakes using force against one’s citizens. In the journal it mentions the way the law enforcement was so hated it was inefficient in stopping crime which in turn had crime running more rampant. The journal states that “by 1828 one person in every three hundred and eighty-three was a criminal” in London. The method of “brute force” had worsened the situation as it never got to the core of the problem.

Reasoning

I assume not everyone would have immediately jumped to “brute force”. I think some may have even thought of just reasoning with people. I mean someone has to be able to convince if not through force or empathy that one should dogmatically follow a moral code. I do not just mean sociopaths I include anyone with opposing views of morality. I have to concede everyone has their own views of morality whether right or wrong.

In recent times “the president of the Yale University in a meeting of university professor and educators. He said that we need a new renaissance of education and morality in American colleges. You would think he would have been applauded. But he was booed! They hissed. They asked ‘Whose morality, professor, are you going to impose upon them?” He couldn’t answer the question (Dr. Kennedy, page 482). His ideas might have been the most perfect ideas in the world. It did not matter because no matter how perfect his moral is the human heart is just so full of its own evil. It will not listen to reasoning because it does not care for reasoning based upon their own moral reasoning.

So what if he got a chance to speak would anyone have listened? No one cares what anyone or any group claims is moral. “Charles Darwin knew this. He said it was a horrid thought to realize that all of his speech may have no more significance or meaning than the babbling of a monkey. He said, ‘Would anyone trust the conviction of a monkey’s mind, if there are any convictions in such a mind?” (Dr. Kennedy, page 506).

It is a hard pill to swallow to admit only God is righteous enough, powerful enough, efficient enough, knowledgeable enough, loving enough and so on to sustain a moral code. God even offers this moral code yet again to those who have broken it with a renewing of his mercies.

Born in sin

So if God is so great why is not everyone just following Him? The heart being born in sin wants to refuse the law for himself and have the laws imposed on others. It is where hypocrisy and double standards arise. I mean having the mental capacity to measure fairness and justice while having fleshly overruling savagery sins.

“Huxley was the most prestigious evolutionary scientist in the world at the time. The interviewer asked him, “Why do you think that evolution caught on so quickly?” Huxley began, “We all jumped at The Origin [The Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin] because . . .” Now if you ask a high school science class to finish that sentence, what do you think the students would say? They would say, “The reason we jumped at The Origin of Species was that the evidence amassed by Darwin was so intellectually compelling that scientific integrity required that we accept it as fact.” That is not what Huxley said. Rather, I heard him say, “[ I suppose the reason] we all jumped at The Origin [was] because the idea of God interfered with our sexual mores.” I almost fell out of my chair! What does that have to do with science? (Dr. Kennedy, page 692).

It seems like the same problem all over again with no one caring about absolute morality when they care too much for their own morality. This time it is different when we peak behind the veil. God makes a promise to those who seek Him diligently in Ezekiel. Ezekiel 36:26-28 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them. And ye shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; and ye shall be my people, and I will be your God.

Change

Before we go any further we must consider historical ways people have tried to impose change in the human heart. I know not all have tried “brute” force or “reasoning”. I must admit some have tried changing the environment to help people flourish into their best selves with the hope of fostering perfect peaceful moral.

Many people have been convinced the heart can be changed apart from divine intervention with environmental remodeling. The communists thought they were going to create the “new communist man” without religion. Karl Marx the intellectual founder of communism found his ideas to be the key to solve the mankind’s predicament proclaiming this as the “true solution”. It is no wonder they prohibited ministers from preaching heaven when they had ushered it in prenatally. He thought man was pretty good inside just corrupted by his environmental structures. I have read some books on communism the dream does not pan out.

The communist plan instead of thriving the fruit of good people had made room for a greater evil as “Marxism did produce a new Communist man—a man so cruel that he could commit the most barbaric crimes against his fellow human beings without the slightest qualms of conscience. When we become aware of what took place in the ghastly labor camps, or gulags, we can understand the nature of the new Communist man, perhaps the cruelest man the world has ever seen” (Dr. Kenny, page 811).

“An example of Communist torture occurred just within the last few years. Two Christian women were being punished by the Chinese authorities for the “crime” of being a part of the unregistered house church movement. They were stripped naked, hung up by their thumbs with wires, and beaten unconscious with cattle prods. The system Marx helped create—based on a false paradigm, which was itself based on a false picture of man’s true nature—has probably caused more evil than any system known to man” (Dr. Kennedy, page 821).

In the West “we are told, the new man will be fashioned by psychology and psychiatry. Before you become too excited about that possibility, remember that of all of the professions in America, the highest level of suicide is found in psychiatrists. So if you are contemplating such an act, I don’t recommend that you go see one. He might decide to hold your hand and jump first” (Dr. Kennedy, page 854). I have run into some issues with psychologists lately as I have been told by numerous friends their psychologists think they are beyond help. I almost think that should be illegal to tell a patient because these vulnerable people will remember this every time they reach another low. I can see how a self-fulfilling prophesy could take into effect.

Testimonies

The bible has changed many lives for the better helping people turn a new leaf. It is because being born again is gives a person a new heart and spirit with new desires. God promises to give people a new heart so is there any evidence of this change?

The same power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead still has the power to change a person to this day. “No unbeliever could tell me why His words are as charged with power today as they were nineteen hundred years ago. Nor could scoffers explain how those pierced hands pulled human monsters with gnarled souls out of a hell of iniquity and overnight transformed them into steadfast, glorious heroes [of the cross]” (Dr. Kennedy, page 936).

Kwai

There is a movie called “The bridge over the River Kwai” based on the book called “Through the Valley of Kwai”. The author of the book had spoken to the chaplain man of Princeton University who had been part of British forces. He was the very man that had written “The bridge over the River of Kwai”. “He told [him], heartbrokenly, what Hollywood had done to the truth. Here is the real story of the bridge over the River Kwai. The captives had been reduced to savagery. They were starving. They were snapping for every crust of bread like animals. And then the British commander discovered in one of their backpacks a New Testament. He began to read it. As he read it, the wonder of the love of Christ began to fill his soul, and he surrendered his life to the Savior and called on Him for His grace and help. He was transformed. He began to read that New Testament to his men each day. One after another became transformed until virtually the entire camp was transformed by the gospel of Christ. These animal-like men began to save their crusts of bread to give to those who were weaker and sicker than they were” (Dr Kennedy, page 897).

Joad

It is often easy to believe mankind is mostly good when one is living safely in a first world country founded on Christian foundations (which is further elaborated in later chapters). “C. E. M. Joad was one of the great philosophers of England in this century. He was a brilliant intellect and a militant unbeliever. [...] Earlier he had thought that man was basically good and that, given the right conditions, we could create heaven on earth. But two devastating world wars and the threat of another one brought home to him the reality that man is sinful. The only solution to man’s sin, concluded this former skeptic, is the cross of Jesus Christ” (Dr. Kennedy, page 957).

David wood

Note: the pages may not be exact though they are within the range of the found text. It is harder to tell on the kindle app if it is the exact page number.

[sprnklersplashes]

Across My Memory (2/?)

Chapter 1

Emma sat in a daze, letting her past memories, her real memories, consume her. Moments of her life flashed before her eyes, her first ball, sword fighting, her coronation, the day her brother was born, the day she met Killian, the day her brother was born. At first it felt like her mind was on fire as her memories raced around in her head, slotting themselves neatly into her timeline. Her head throbbed with weight of it all. She began to feel relieved at the fact that she was no longer trapped in another body and another mind, that she was free to act as she pleased, in control of herself again.

Then another memory came back to her, cutting through the haze in her mind. The day the curse was cast.

“Mama!” Henry called as he stumbled through the smoke. Emma picked him up and held him close; his arms and legs wrapped around her body and he buried his head in her shoulder. “Mama I’m scared!”

“I know, my darling,” she told him. “It’ll all be over soon, I promise.” From outside her room, Emma could hear the clashes of swords and pained moans as men fell. She strained her ears, trying to recognise her husband or father. She kept stroking Henry’s head, in part because it would give him comfort and in part because it was keeping her grounded while grey smoke pounded outside their windows.

The door shook and groaned. Someone was trying to get in. Emma put Henry down and raised her hands in anticipation, her heart pounding as the magic built up inside her.

The Evil Queen broke the doors down and strolled into the room as if it was her own. The sight of her made bile rise in Emma’s throat. She smiled like a victor on the battlefield, and right there, she supposed that was what she was. For now, anyway.

“We’ll defeat you,” Emma warned her. “My parents stopped you before and with me, my brother and my husband we can do it again.”

“Your parents?” she laughed. “Well I doubt your father will be much help from beyond the grave.” Emma sank to her knees.

“No,” she said. “No, my father isn’t dead.”

“Who knows if he is?” the witch shrugged. “He could be. Not that it matters. In a few moments you won’t remember him. Or your mother. Or your beloved pirate.” She looked over at Henry, who was pressing his face into Emma’s shoulder. “Or your beautiful little boy.”

“My family always finds each other,” she said through gritted teeth. “And when we do we will finally make you pay.”

“I don’t doubt you will.” Regina sank to her level. In her eyes, Emma saw no kindness, no humanity. She may as well have been an animal.

“Why are you like this?” Emma whispered. Regina grabbed her throat tightly, squeezing, making it next to impossible to breathe, and pulled her close.

“I had my happiness taken from me,” she spat. “It’s time your mother had the same.” She dropped Emma onto the floor, her cheek stinging from the stone. Purple smoke crashed the windows and flooded in through the door. Henry screamed as the impact made him fall out of her arms.

“Mama, Mama!” he called. Head ringing, Emma sat up and embraced him.

“I’m here,” she said, coughing as the smoke filled her lungs. She couldn’t even see him or the Queen.

“Where are we going?” Henry asked, clinging to Emma’s arms.

“Somewhere completely awful,” Regina said. “Where the only happy ending will be mine.”

“Don’t listen to her Henry,” Emma whispered. “Because wherever we end up, we’ll win. Good always wins.”

Emma wondered if Henry remembered what she said, even subconsciously. She hoped he knew that she was going to come for him, that she would save him from Regina.

That witch truly was awful. Taking her beloved son, her True Love, her lovely scrappy little monkey and turning him into her obedient puppy, worshipping and loving her, the woman who terrorised his family. Emma wanted to both cry for him and kill her for him.

“Jenny?” Robert, Jonathan, she corrected, opened the door, looking concerned. “Jen are you okay? You seemed really upset when you came in.” He came over and sat on the edge of the bed. “Were you crying?”

Emma was silent for a while, searching his face. The same green eyes, identical to hers, the same brown curls, the same freckles and long arms and legs and skinny frame. On the surface he looked just like her baby brother. But when she looked into his eyes she didn’t see him. She didn’t see the boy who passed notes to her during audiences and slid down the stairs. Robert was asleep, like she had been, and she was stuck with Jonathan.

“Jenny?” he asked again. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” she sighed. “Just um, Mr Elliot said we had to stop our lessons.”

“What?” he asked, frowning. “Why? I thought you were doing well.”

“So did I,” she said. “But it’s just, he doesn’t have the time for all that right now, and he thinks I don’t either.” Jonathan’s face fell but she tilted his chin upwards. “No use pouting over it.”

“But you loved those lessons.” Emma felt foolish now; literature lessons were the last thing on her mind, but she kept the façade for him.

“Yeah, I did, kid,” she said. “But come on, I’ll get dinner started.”

In the kitchen, Emma stuck two chicken breasts into the oven. Despite having used this technology for some time now, she didn’t know how long she had been cursed for, she was amazed at the advancements of this realm. The chicken could be cooked to perfection in a matter of minutes in the hot box. While the chickens cooked, she set about chopping up cucumbers and tomatoes while Jonathan worked on his homework.

“Hey, look at that,” he remarked. She looked up to see that he was looking out the kitchen window.

“Thought you were meant to be doing homework,” she scolded. His face flushed red as he looked back at her, right up to the tips of his ears. She remembered grabbing his ears when they were kids and calling him “Pegasus”, making them flap like little wings.

“I know but come look at this.” She sighed and walked over to the window. She looked out at the town.

“What am I looking at?” she asked, scanning the dark Storybrooke streets for something out of the ordinary. As far as she was concerned, nothing was new. Same as it was every other day; dull orange streetlights lighting up the street, Aunt Red, now Ruby, pulling her coat around her as she hurried down the street.

“The clock tower,” he pointed out. “They must have fixed it. It never moved before now, remember?”

Emma looked at the clock tower, right above the library. For as long as she could remember it had read 8:15. And there, it said 8:30.

Emma smiled to herself. Maybe now that she was awake, things were changing. The Evil Queen’s reign was drawing to a close.

                                                        *****

Emma had never seen so many people in the ballroom before. There had been balls for the Winter and Summer solstices, for her birthdays, her parent’s birthdays, anniversaries and every other occasion she could think of. And every time there had been visitors from friends from near and far and they brought their families, from other noble families and visiting royals, not to mention armies and navies coming too. And yet there had always been plenty of room left over in the vast ballroom, giving her room to breathe.

Today the ballroom was packed so tightly she felt like she was suffocating. All she could see no matter which way she looked was people towering over her, as far as her eyes can see. The way they move around her makes her dizzy; they sway their hips, shuffle through the floor in clumps of three or four, bumping into her, pushing her this way and that. Some stop to pat her head, complimenting her on how grown up she is, how pretty her dress is, asking how old she is or how her lessons are going. She wonders if she has ever met these people before.

“Emma!” her father called. He has no need to awkwardly shoving and pushing and squeezing his way through the crowds. Even the most snobbish of Kings would know to step aside for their host, the King of Misthaven. Though he does not walk like a King; Emma sees the other men with golden crowns on their grey hair and they take their time as they mill around the ballroom, nodding occasionally for no apparent reason and keeping their hands too close to their bodies, as if they are afraid Emma or one of her friends would steal the rings from their fingers. Roland is the son of the most famous thief in the land after all, and Merida moves like a whip, so perhaps their fears are not so farfetched. On the other hand, her father almost skips through the ballroom, clapping friends on the backs or shoulders and grinning broadly at them. He swings his arms as he moves, dancing to a beat only he can hear.

When he reached his daughter, he knelts to her level, smiling at her.

“Emma we’re been looking for you,” he told her, not a trace of anger in his voice. She remembers Merida telling her how angry her father can get, saying it is “just how fathers act” but she believes her friend cannot be more wrong. Her father probably can’t get angry, certainly not with her. Instead he smiles fondly at her and smooths her pink skirts.

“Sorry Papa,” she said, wrinkling her small nose. “I wanted to talk to Merida, but I couldn’t find her.”

“It’s okay, Princess.” He offered her his hand and she took it. His hand dwarfed hers, but it makes her feel safe. “But come on. We don’t want to keep your mother waiting-or your little brother.”

“He might start crying again,” she joked. As the King and Princess walked hand in hand to the top of the ballroom, where her mother held her new brother as she stood under a stained-glass window that painted the room a thousand unusual colours, the crowds parted for them, bowing deeply, even the Kings who barely moved when she first saw them.

“Thank you all for coming,” Snow White addressed the crowd. “The birth of our son is truly a joyful and wonderful occasion not just for our family, but for our Kingdom. My husband and I have gained a son, and Princess Emma has gained a brother, but you have all gained a Prince, and a friend.”

“When we debated what to name this child, there were many to choose from,” David continued. “Between the many friends we have made both in this kingdom and from our various allies, to the heroes from legend and folktale that inspire us. But there is one man we saw fit to honour with naming our son. And that is my own father. He may not have been the strongest man I ever knew, but he was kind. And brave. And he fought for my mother and I with every bone in his body, and that is what I want for my son. To hold his family close to his heart.”

“People of Misthaven, we introduce to you our son, Prince Robert.”

The thunderous applause and roaring cheers almost knocked Emma off her feet. The sound filled her ears and attacked her brain and she wished to cover her ears and block it all out, though it is not lady like. Nevertheless, she can’t help squirming and hopes that the crowds are too distracted celebrating the new Prince to pay attention to her.

Next thing Emma knew she was pulled up in the air before being rested comfortably on her father’s hips, which happens to be one of her favourite places to be, and she is more than glad to see that at eight years old she is not yet too hold to be held. Her father moved over to his wife and lifted one hand from Emma to stroke her little brother’s face.

“What do you think, Emma?” Snow asked her. Her smile was so radiant, Emma couldn’t help but think ‘the fairest of them all’. “Does he look like a Robert?”

Emma looked over into the small bundle in her mother’s arms. Truth be told she didn’t think he looked like an anything, other than a piglet, but she knew that was rude to say, even more so when it is the royal prince. But she took a longer look at him as he shifted and yawned in their mother’s arms and his eyes opened lazily. Perhaps she could see the little prince, her brother, potential partner in crime, in there.

“Mama, can I call him Bobby?” she asked, and her mother chuckled.

“I think Bobby is a wonderful nickname for him,” she said.

                                                                                                               *****

It seemed that ever since she woke up, her luck had started changing. For one, Jonathan had asked her why she was getting ready for work when her shift didn’t start until twelve, and he was proven right by the schedule written in pen and taped to her fridge, saying “SATURDAY: Start at 12”. For one thing that meant that she could catch up on the sleep she needed after the restless night she had; her real memories spent all night rolling around her head and she kept waking up from terrible dreams of when the curse first hit. She had sat up for at least an hour just replaying her memories over and over again.

Then the crying had come. Crying for Robert, who was right next to her, but was still so far away from her in every way that mattered. Crying for her parents, who she didn’t even remember seeing. She missed her father’s comforting touch and her mother’s warm smile. They used to be able to ground her no matter how far she drifted away. Crying for Killian, whose comforting words and whispered praises would mean everything to her right then. And she cried for her son, longing for his giggles and riddles and games.

After she caught up on her sleep, she saw she still had another two hours until she was due to start work, meaning she could get down to business.

She quickly pulled on a sweater and jeans, tucked her pebble into her jeans and told her brother she had to run some errands.

Then she was speeding through the streets as quickly as her legs would carry her. The town passed her in a blur, she dodged her neighbours without even giving them a passing glance or even listening to see if they were saying hello. There would be plenty of time for hello once the curse was broken.

She soon came skidding to a halt, tripping over herself and nearly toppling onto the pavement. She heard her mother’s voice in her head, sighing fondly at her, could almost feel her picking her up and launching into a lecture about how a lady should be poised and graceful. It was a bittersweet moment for her.

She picked herself up and looked at the house before her. It was small, red brick with a brown front door and boxes with pink flowers in the windows and white lace curtains. Plain, unassuming, she may even say boring.

Which made it the perfect place for him to hide.

Emma grinned at her teacher’s intelligence before strolling up to the front door and rapping on it. She thought the whole way here she would be nervous but now, all she felt was anticipation and excitement and hope building in her. The curse was getting weaker, and with her and Merlin reunited, surely, they’d break it. His knowledge and her magic had always made a strong combination and he had told her many times what an effective team they would make in a battle. And the Queen had no magic here, he had assured her of that. It would be a swift and sure defeat, and she would be reunited with her family once more.

Merlin opened the door, wearing a red woollen jumper and black rimmed reading glasses. Confusion crossed his face when he saw her almost dancing on his doorstep.

“Jenny,” he greeted, opening the door wider. “Come in.” The inside of his cursed home was hardly what you would call exciting, certainly not befitting the most powerful sorcerer in all the realms. Dark green carpet and beige walls with paintings of flowers on them and dull orange lights. “What can I do for you.”

“It’s okay,” she said, spinning to face him. “I get it now.”

“You get what now?” he asked.

“I remember! I remember everything!” When his face didn’t change she sighed. “Look I get it. You had to break me, you had to make me miserable, so I’d remember everything. But I’m awake now!”

“Jenny are you alright?” he asked, coming over to her and placing one hand on her shoulder.

Emma’s heart began to sink when she looked at him. His eyes were clouded, confused. There was a dullness in them, not the tell-tale twinkle she was so used to.  He had to be awake, he simply had to. There was no way the Queen could curse the most powerful person she had ever met. She couldn’t take someone with that much fire and strength and make them a shell of themselves. Could she?

“It’s not Jenny,” she said half-heartedly. “I’m Emma.”

“Emma?” he echoed, but it was confusion, not realisation. “Jenny, why don’t you sit down?”

Emma didn’t even register him as he took her arm and led her to an olive green armchair and sat her down. The material was coarse and rough under her palm. She wanted to cry, she should have been crying, but there was nothing. Nothing but numbness spreading across her whole body, pressing down on her chest, squeezing all the air out of her. She pressed her hands in-between her legs to keep them from shaking.

“Jenny,” Merlin said softly, like she was a frightened animal. “Jenny if this is about the classes-”

“No, it’s not,” she replied. She pulled herself to her feet, wobbling slightly where she stood. She knew that she should have thought of an excuse, but she couldn’t; she didn’t even have the energy to think of one tiny little lie, and that used to be one of her party tricks. All she wanted to do was drag herself home and bury herself in the pillow until the pounding in her head stopped. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come.”

He grabbed her arm in a bid to stop her from leaving, but it slid right through his grasp as she ghosted towards the front door. Vaguely she could hear him asking her if she needed a ride home, if she was okay, what had happened, who was “Emma”, but it was garbled and distant, like her head had been shoved underwater. The bright sunlight hurt her eyes when she opened the door; everything outside was too bright, too false, only making her head throb more.

She stumbled out of his house and onto the gravel of his footpath. She didn’t even turn back to look at him while he called to her, just kept forcing herself to move until she reached home.

                                                             *****

Emma and Robert’s laughs filled the air surrounding the hills as she chased her little brother through the emerald grass, her brandishing a toy sword while he screamed. She tackled him and sent them both tumbling down a hill, their limbs tangling together, her chin jabbing into his side as they flew down, only just hearing the concerned warnings of their parents.

They finally rolled to a stop, their hearts beating twice as hard and the world buzzing in their ears. They lay there breathless, a perfect blue sky over them and the soft grass stroking their bare arms and legs. Emma feels like she may throw up after all that exercise, but she is too giddy to care. Her five-year-old brother may have much smaller legs than her, but he can run like their prized steed, but she would chase him throughout the entire realm if it would make him laugh the way he is now. She almost wants to laugh at herself, a girl of thirteen should not be acting so childishly, and yet here she is, almost certainly dirt covering her dress.

“Emma?” Robert asks, still out of breath.

“Yes?” she replies, toying with the wooden sword in her hands, pointing it up to the sky.

“When you’re Queen will everything be different?” She frowns and turns to look at him. Her brother’s normal carefree and monkey like grin has faded and he his chewing his lower lip, twirling a blade of grass around his fingers. She doesn’t know where this has come from; he has never asked about how she will be when she is Queen before, so what makes now different?

“Yes,” she answers thoughtfully. “Yes, it will be. I will be all grown up, and I will have to rule over the entire kingdom. I’ll have to send armies and write treaties and fight wars. And all the things Mama usually does.” Robert doesn’t ask another question, but she can tell what he wants to say next; the question is practically crawling out of his mouth. “But you’ll be my right-hand man. The most important person in my court. And I’ll need you to help me with everything.” She reaches out and clasps his small hand. “And everything will be different. We’ll be different people. We’ll be grown-ups. But we’ll still be us, Emma and Bobby.”

“Emma and Bobby,” he repeated, linking his fingers in with hers.

                                                                                               *****

She felt like she was wading through mud. Even breathing became a struggle as she tried to make her way back to her house, not home, that place would never be home. Home was her palace in the Enchanted Forest, with her family and friends by her side. Home was sprawling fields and thick forests, perfect for horseback rides. Home was a ship permanently sitting in Misthaven’s port, with candles lit all around the cabin and a think bed covered with blankets. Home was not a shared apartment with her brother who didn’t remember the bond they shared, while the rest of her family and friends were who knew where.

Emma was so distracted by her grief she didn’t even notice herself colliding with another person until it was too late. Their hand wrapped around her wrist instinctively, pulling her down on top of them so she fell face first onto the pavement. The stranger’s body broke most of her fall and she found herself with her face buried in a woollen jumper.

It wasn’t until she picked herself up that she realised who it was. She would know him anywhere; ocean blue eyes, so different now without black kohl around them, reminding her of much more intimate moments, black hair pulled down and almost hiding his eyes and making him look younger, more vulnerable (she knew the thought of him looking “vulnerable” would annoy him beyond all measure), pointed ears she so often teased him about, lovingly calling him an elf and flapping them like they were little wings. Still a head taller than her, skinny arms and legs and a ginger scruff she had scratched and tickled so many times.

“Killian,” she breathed softly, so softly he didn’t seem to hear her. He had the same look in his eyes as Merlin and her brother and everyone in this damn town had, not quite awake, not quite aware. Not aware that his wife was sitting across right beside him, not knowing how much she missed him.

“I-I’m so sorry,” he stammered, scurrying away form her and jumping up, brushing himself off. “Are you okay?” He offered her his hand, the same hand that had caressed her jaw and traced down her spine as they kissed passionately in their bed. Emma put her trembling hand in his and let him help her to her feet.

She felt like such a fool. She had always been so gifted with words and able to wind a man round her finger. She remembered leaving Killian himself speechless when they first met, and he had been impressed by her spirit. Yet here she was now, her mouth hanging open and struggling to get even one single sentence out. No wonder he looked so concerned for her.

“Are you okay?” he asked again, much slower this time, as if she was a child.

“Fine,” she said, hearing her own voice shaking with nerves. “I’m fine. I’m sorry, I should have looked where I was going.”

“No, no it’s my fault,” he replied. “I should have been more careful.” He took a small step backwards and immediately Emma saw he was going to leave her. Again.

“I’m Jenny.” She held out her hand and after a moment’s hesitation he shook it, albeit briefly and awkwardly. The curse must have stripped all the bravado from him, leaving this shy and soft boy as a replacement.

“Patrick,” he replied. The corners of his lips twitched up into a small smile and for a moment Emma could see the real him inside. Just make the smile wider and a bit more daring, more brash and lift the cloudiness form his eyes and she would have her pirate captain back.

Instead he let go of her hand and slipped his own hand back into his pocket. He ducked his head slightly and his eyes became hidden behind his hair. He shifted from one foot to the other like                                                     e an agitated child. Clearly, he wanted to leave her.

“I’ll see you around then,” she croaked. He nodded hurriedly.

“I suppose so, yes,” he said before dodging around her and starting to dash back to…. Wherever he was going.

                                                                                                               *****

Clarke wasn’t entirely sure where this new bout of confidence had come from, but he found himself striding into the Town Hall like it was his own home, even going as far as ignoring the receptionist who insisted the Mayor was too busy for him. He hoped to retain this confidence for a while.

When he burst into the Mayor’s office she regarded him with a raise of her eyebrow and a cool look. Heaving a sigh, she set her pen down and invited him to take a seat.

“Mr Clarke,” she greeted in a tired voice. “I have an awful lot to do today so please, keep your complaints to a minimum.”

“I’m sorry Madam Mayor,” he began. “But I feel I need to begin teaching Jenny Bird again.” The Mayor rolled her eyes ever so slightly and leaned back in her chair. It was as if Clarke had offered her a new game, and one she was too busy to play. “Now Madam Mayor I know you’re opposed to it, but she needs this.”

“We have been over this, Mr Clarke,” she sighed. “Miss Bird may well think that she needs to be taught how to read, but what she needs is a reality check. She can’t just waltz off and try to fulfil a dead dream of going to college.”

“A dead dream?” he echoed.

“Oh, come now, Mr Clarke,” she laughed. “You and I both know you were humouring her with that idea of going away to college. I mean what college would accept her?”

“She’s a clever girl, Madam Mayor,” he insisted. “Just very troubled. And she’s stretched enough as it is and it’s taking its toll on the poor girl.”

“All the more reason to let her be. Keep one thing off her plate.”

“Madam Mayor, she came to my house today. I thought she’d be begging for her lessons back, but this was different. She was talking all kinds of nonsense.”

“Well why you want to keep tutoring a girl like that is beyond me,” she huffed, picking up her pen. “I suggest you leave her where she is.”

“She was going on about how she was awake now, and how she realised why I did it.” The Mayor dropped her pen at that. It seemed finally, he had her full attention. “And she was so upset when she saw I had no idea what she was talking about. You should have seen her Miss Mills she was crushed.”

“You said she said she was awake?” she asked slowly, her fingers curling and uncurling. She seemed to get more and more tense by the second, like she would soon become too tight and snap.

“Yes,” he said. “She wasn’t making any sense.”

The Mayor took in a sharp breath and gave a slow nod.

“Thank you for bringing this to my attention,” she said. “I understand Miss Bird’s mental state may be more delicate than we first thought. A girl who has suffered so much is bound to come undone.”

“And you see why she needs those lessons?” he asked, leaning forward. “They grounded her, Miss Mills. Gave her something to hold on to. Please let me teach her again.”

“I’ll consider it,” she smiled. “But I want to keep an eye on her first. Just to make sure she’s all right.”

Clarke smiled triumphantly. It wasn’t a total victory, but you could never have one of those with the Mayor. She was made of iron and had a virtually inflexible will. But it seemed he had bent her ever so slightly, and that was an achievement, for both him and Jenny. Hopefully, he would be able to help put the poor girl back on track.

“Thank you, Madam Mayor,” he said. She gave him a warm smile, which he counted as another achievement, and saw him to the door.

                                                                                               *****

The classroom was at the top of the north tower, as per Merlin’s request. He said that it would let in the perfect amount of sunlight and give the perfect view of the stars, should they need it. It was very small, and the two wooden desks, blackboard and trunks Merlin had placed around made it even smaller, but it wasn’t restricting. In fact, Emma had always thought this was one of the places she could be truly free. Merlin had brought many magical artefacts with him, an empty globe, a huge leather-bound book she was forbidden to touch, a hand mirror, all of which he promised they would use in future lessons.

Today she was standing at her desk with Merlin, while a withered and dead rose lay limp on the wood. She was shaking from how hard she was concentrating; the blue vein on her forehead almost ready to burst. Merlin’s hand came and covered her own.

“You’re pushing too hard,” he said softly. “Just let it come naturally.”

“I’m trying,” she groaned. “It won’t come naturally.” Her tutor gave a laugh at her insistence.

“It seems your magic is just as stubborn as you are, Miss Emma,” he chuckled. He came behind her and grasped her hand in his. “It doesn’t want you to force it. It wants to work with you, not for you.”

“How can it work for me?” she asked. “It’s my magic.”

“Yes, and it is a part of you, but you’re a part of it. If you want your magic to do what you want it to, let it come naturally. Stop pushing it.” Emma screwed up her face and tried to let the magic come, but it stayed put. She could feel it, the warmth of her magic pooling inside her belly, but nothing came from her hand. “You’re concentrating too hard.”

“You keep telling me to concentrate!” she replied, almost whining. Merlin knelt and turned her to face him.

“Big deep breath, Princess.” She obeyed. “And let it out.” She breathed out slowly, counting to ten as he had taught her to do before. “Let’s do this again yeah?”

“Yeah.” Emma turned back to the rose, held her hand over it and closed her eyes. “Work with it,” she muttered. For a few seconds nothing happened, then she felt her arm beginning to tingle. She wanted to squirm and giggle at the sensation, but she forced herself to stand still and not move a muscle. The sensation trickled down her arm and flooded her hand, and she could finally breathe.

“Open your eyes,” Merlin ordered. She saw a perfect, fully bloomed pink rose sitting on the desk.

“I did it!” she exclaimed, jumping for joy. “I did it, I did it!”

“Indeed, you did,” he said, lifting the rose and placing it behind her ear. “Before you know it you’ll be doing all sorts of healing magic, just like this. The Evil Queen won’t be able to stop you.”

Emma froze when he reminded her of the Evil Queen. As far as she knew she was a long-forgotten nightmare after her parents had defeated her, but something told her differently. That something was the way her tutor spoke about her and the curse.

“The Queen can’t hurt us anymore, can she?” she asked. “She’s gone, forever.”

“Never say forever, Emma,” Merlin said as he lifted a book from his trunk. “Your parents might have defeated her before, but she could very well return.” Emma’s face fell, the victory from her magic completely forgotten. “But I’m not afraid of her. Or her curse.”

“Why not?” Emma asked.

“Because by the time she casts it, you’ll be more than ready for her.”

                                                                                               *****

For the second time, Emma found herself unable to sleep. But it wasn’t grief or sadness or horrible memories this time; she sat up for while feeling defeated. She wondered if she should just submit and accept defeat, live out her seemingly dull life with her brother, avoid Killian and her parents and accept it. Her life could have been worse, surely? Maybe lying down and accepting her fate was better, and safer, than trying to fight back.

“No!” she exclaimed, sitting up in her bed. Her heart had suddenly doubled in speed, a metallic bitter taste filled her mouth and her hands were shaking no matter how tightly she wound them into her covers. She panted heavily as though she had been sprinting.

The covers suddenly felt too tight, too restricted and she threw them off and stumbled from the bed, leaning on the wall to steady herself. The cold floor contacted her hot skin, the contrast jolting through her body.

“No,” she whispered, weaker this time. She was ashamed damn it, ashamed that for one minute she pondered giving up on her own family, on her people, the people she swore to serve and protect. Her own parents fought the Evil Queen and never once considered giving up and fleeing, what kind of Princess would she be if she walked away? What kind of daughter would be content leaving her parents to suffer? “She’s not winning this time.”

Emma flipped on the lamp on her desk and opened a notebook, flipping through pages of notes and grocery lists and bill payments until she found a blank page. In blue pen she hastily scribbled down all the curse counterparts she knew of and their real selves. Then she scribbled down what she already knew; Regina had control over everything, even Merlin, but the curse was weakening. Time was passing again.

Since she was a little girl she had heard that she was destined to be the Saviour and to break the curse. And she had always thought that she would never have to be since the Queen had been banished and they had been spared the curse. And in a way she was relieved; she never wanted to be the Saviour. The idea of being Queen was enough to scare her but having to save her people from a terrible curse was another responsibility and one she had never felt prepared for. As the days went by and inched closer to her son’s birthday they weight of her destiny had pressed down on her, harder and harder, until it wasn’t uncommon for Killian or her parents to find her sobbing on the floor of her chambers.

Destiny was unavoidable, apparently. And she was the Saviour, whether she liked it or not.

[noexit-ff]

26.

Staring at myself in the mirror, my stomach feels full. Like I can feel something in there. I feel so tired, I cannot even concentrate. I was wanting to fall asleep at the meeting every day at Puma. I am just glad it is behind us, now we can go to London, get the make up release done. Because I feel so full, I always need to pee. Certain smells too, Chris ate something to do with fish and I was gagging. If he has fish near me again I will scream at him, the week in New York has been so painful. I feel like my imagination was not there, Mel was doing all the work. It’s mostly because my heart is not into it, I want to go home and just sleep. I am so tired and I have just woke up, I think I will enjoy this time while I can. I can be free and move around, once this stomach is showing I will be locked away at home which is not a bad thing. I am feeling it every day though, I feel fat and ugly even though I am getting told that I am glowing “you done in there!?” Chris said knocking on the bathroom door ��yeah, are we going now?” I don’t want to be flying, that is so many hours “yeah, the bodyguards are here” Chris is very much security around me, he is so careful and gets so worried about me but I am ok. A little moody but I am ok, I am just wondering if I was to go to Barbados to see my family for the day and come back, I don’t think I will see Barbados for a while now.

Smiling at the bed that is already made for me on the jet “awww yes, Mel are you joining me?” it looks so comfy, sitting next to Chris “I think Chris is the person that needs a bad, that boy is gone. Look at him” we haven’t even set off and he fell asleep “I was not that long coming onto the jet, was I?” seeing Mel finally walk onto the jet “you made the security team undo all of the bags because you assumed that you left your phone when Chris told you where it was, in your damn bag he had. He was done, sat down and fell asleep” Jen looks so done with me too “well I didn’t hear it, it is very loud out there” Chris is actually asleep on me “look at him, his ugly gold grills showing and shit” Mel said half laughing “leave him, I am stressing him out every time. He worries about me, worried that something will happen” I worry about him too, I will stop being a pain with him “did you feel back pain? When you was eight weeks?” I asked Mel “I barely knew I was pregnant at times” Mel snorted laughing “but seriously, I didn’t feel any pain. It’s not bad though” if I say anything about pain to Chris he thinks something is bad and then gets me worried “my doctor said this would happen, I just have a little back pain but I am ok” it’s horrible to feel like this but I am so blessed to be pregnant, my heart feels so overjoyed.

I just really want some fries from McDonald’s but I can’t obviously have it, we are in the air “I can’t believe you two are both pregnant together, destined to be together forever” Jen pointed at Mel and I “Chris knows that there is three of us in this relationship, but you know. When I walked in on the conversation with Mijo and him. Chris said don’t worry I will look after your child, Chris is wanting to be there for it. I have never said anything to him about it but he said it, my heart kind of fell. He truly wants to help Mel a lot and he feels bad” Mel got teary eyed “he has been such a good friend, I appreciate him so much. I am just worried that Mijo is going to try and take me court, he did say it. He wants to know the child” rolling my eyes “he is doing this on purpose, god. Why is he being so evil” Mel sighed out “your family are going to be so shocked, to know that you are pregnant. What about Ronald?” shaking my head “what about him? I don’t care for him. This is about me and my child and husband, this has nothing to do with them” they won’t be near my child.

How is Mel even eating those Salt and Vinegar chips, what is wrong with her. She is revolting “Ok, so if you have a boy. You thought of names?” Mel asked, I paused “I don’t know, we haven’t spoke on it. I was thinking on Caspian, it’s like a prince name. Or maybe Cassius. I was thinking mostly Caspian Christopher Brown, that sounds so nice” Mel cooed out “well think on it, are you wanting to find out the sex of the baby? I am wanting to know” I shrugged “I need to talk to Chris about it, I am struggling on girl names. I want it to be so pretty and unique” I am a little confused on what to call the girl “if we both have boys, you can name yours Caspian and I will name mine Cassius” I gasped at Mel’ idea “this will be so cute oh my, but what if we get both girls. Oh my, imagine a mini Robyn and Mel” I giggled aloud “annoying the life out of Chris, he is not going to be a happy boy” Mel’ smile faded “you are so blessed Robyn, to have a husband. My child won’t get that, it’s my fault I know but I can do this” I feel for Mel, she does look on in sadness.

Stepping off the jet, we are in London and we have to go through customs which is stupid. That just means we have to walk through the airport and I didn’t want that “you cold?” Chris asked, nodding my head. Chris took off his bomber jacket “wear it, I am cool babe” smiling at him “thank you” the customs security waiting for us to get in the car so they can drive us to be searched, so annoying. I can usually walk through unless they doing it because of Chris and how many of us are here, Chris walked back onto the jet “what is he doing?” I asked Rich, he looked on confused “if you want to come with us sir” the officer said to Chris, why do people love to annoy him “just watch Chris and make sure they don’t annoy him” I said to Rich, making my way to the car, Cass came running over and opened the car door for me “thank you” smiling at him as I got into the car, I really don’t know why they are searching us. Watching the jet as the officer came down the steps, Chris is screwing his face up so he is not happy.

“No, what are you doing” Chris said before I could even untie my boots “I will do it for you” I sighed out smiling, Chris crouched down to me “I got you, I said it did I not” he pulled at my laces, he is so adorable “sir when you are ready, we need to search you” least the bodyguards got through fine, Jen and Mel too. Chris lifted my leg up and pulled my boot off “next foot” how can Chris even think that he would not be a good father, he is so loving “are you blind? He is helping me” stupid man, what is wrong with these officers today “ok done” Chris got up from his position, turning to the guy “nah, I want a woman searching my wife. I don’t want this man, this is against the law. Why are you getting man to touch a female for?” I am not even going to say anything “the female officer is busy” the guy said “so? Get one then, the hell y’all think this is, we got money what we going to do?” grabbing Chris’ arm “you have a lot of things on your record sir” Chris snorted laughing “I do but you let me in before, your point is?” I knew this would be an argument “I really want to go to the hotel, please leave it” I just want to leave, this will make him stop.

Jen sighed out “this is the cutest thing I have seen, Chris is just dressing you” he is getting me so emotional, I am glad this is all private right now “you don’t need to put my boots back on” Chris got up from his position “it’s cool, I don’t want you straining yourself” watching him go around me, picking his jacket up “I want you to be good” he placed his jacket over my shoulders “thank you” I sniffled, I am so emotional now. He is being such a good husband to me, he is so nurturing “Chris, you got me emotional here. Stop it” Jen scolded him, let’s just get the paparazzi frenzy out of the way “can we have Mel and Jen in front, Cass and frank in front of them two, the officers at the side of Chris and Rihanna and I will be at the back, stay close. Remain from rushing and no pushing” Rich said, placing my arms in the jacket “you want to be in front of me?” Chris asked, shaking my head “I will be ok” I am used to the paparazzi so I am sure I will be fine.

Keeping my head down holding onto Chris’ hand as we walked through the airport “and here they are” Chris said “oh god, since when do fans know we are coming here” the walking slowed down a little, the screaming is piercing to my ears and the clicking of lights flashing. The barrier of officers around us started closing in and I knew from that moment that it was going to be a tight squeeze “I love you so much Rihanna” someone shouted, I don’t want Mel to get hurt, the walking stopped abruptly “what is happening?” I asked Chris, I can’t really see “Mel” Chris said her name, watching Chris grab her wrist and pull Mel back “stay back, don’t get hurt” Chris is thinking the same as me, Chris let my hand go “Chris!” I spat “just get my wife to the car” Chris said to Rich, eyeballing Chris “what is he doing?” the officer fell back into me “move!” I spat “he is distracting them” Jen said “Chris Brown, what are you doing in the UK?” hearing the paparazzi shout “come” Cass shouted, starting to walk finally.

Now we are in the car and Chris is nowhere to be found, we are surrounded by paparazzi. The door slid open “get in the car you damn monkey!” Cass said to Chris as he climbed into the car “where the hell was you!?” I spat, he sat next to me “look, I realised I had two pregnant women, shit was intense so I had to do something. I took pictures with fans and got groped but I am good, you are ok and so is Mel?” nodding my head “I was worried for her, thank you for looking after Mel too” placing my hand on Chris’ thigh “it’s ok, I have a lot to do. God is testing me” resting my head on his shoulder “I want sex when we get to the hotel, I feel so horny. I want McDonald’ fries too, can I just put the fries on your body while I eat it” looking up at Chris, he looks so concerned “ok McDouble chin” I gasped “I am joking, I love you. We will get you fries and have sex” I think Chris is freaked out by me “suck on your floppy dick with ice, this seems so nice. The feel of sucking on skin and ice” I want ice too “this is weird Robyn, stop” I have freaked my man out.

[thecitysorrowbuilt]

Ms. October’s Oven

As it so often happens, Ms. October was the last person to find out about the unexpected delays going on in her kitchen. Robert the meat-slicer had seen the writing on the wall when the oven began making sounds, and he had swiftly shared it to the rest of the cooks. Larry the smoker had been enjoying a cigarette out back when he saw Jeff the delivery boy cycling by, and he’d flagged him down just to share the pertinent info. Scratch the dog had been sniffing around the trash cans so when he heard Larry and Jeff talking he couldn’t help but perk his ears up to catch any interesting gossip. As soon as the conversation ended, Jeff immediately took off to finish delivering his, in all probability now quite chilly, order, and Scratch circled around to the front of the restaurant. Arriving almost out of breath even from such a short spring, Scratch explained the situation between wheezes to Maddie, the front-house smoker, who said “Well I’ll be,” and threw down a half lit Newport, so great was her desire to go inside and spread the news. At the exact same time, Jeff had arrived at Mrs. Hendricks’ house, and had passed on not just pizza but also that vital information. Mrs. Hendricks, for her part, momentarily considered rushing off to the restaurant, but decided instead to instead run to her telephone and start alerting the neighbors. She could already tell that this was on a ‘need-to-know’ basis, as people were prone to say, which to her understanding meant that basically everyone needed to know. 

While all this was going on, had you lifted off the roof like a dollhouse and went to find Ms. October, you would’ve found her in her office making sure that everything was organized and that the payroll was exactly as it should be. Fastidious to a fault, Ms. O believed, not incorrectly mind you, that the restaurant would collapse around her ears if she were to pay it any less than her usual degree of attention. Sometimes it came very close even when she did. Finding everything to be in shipshape, she now went out to the waitress station and put on her apron, and then went out to talk to the diners. This was how she first heard this news that we have all been waiting for her to receive. “I heard that Ms. October’s oven has the hiccups.” “Well I heard that it’s deathly ill, on its last legs even.” “Someone told me that it was refusing to make all food, and that it had insisted on alerting its next of kin. Said that it had, well, Oveningitis.” Being no stranger to gossip herself, Ms. O went right to the table where the three busybodies, the illustrious Mrs.’s Smith, Schultz, Parker, and Young were seated to set the record straight. “On the contrary my dear madams, I’m not sure where such a rumor started, but I must inform you that every appliance in my kitchen is in perfect health and working its absolute hardest to ensure a pleasant dining experience for our patrons.” This well formatted reproach had an immediate effect in assuaging the concerns of the Mrs.’s, and was greeted with sage nods all around. Unable to restrain her curiosity however, Mrs. O felt it prudent to prod just a slight bit more. “My only concern is not my oven, but where such a fiction might even have originated from.” Even without the design of a question, this statement was as thorough an interrogative as could ever be administered, and after a few sidelong glances, Mrs. Parker elected herself speaker and responded. “Well, I heard it from my niece, Shannon. You know she’s a server here, and she said she heard it from Maddie, the one who always smokes, and she said Maddie had heard it from Scruff the dog, who heard it from who knows where.” Internally Mrs. O thought that when she caught Scruff next she’d seriously consider tanning his hide, but externally her demeanor remained unflinchingly pleasant. “Well, I’m sure that no account beggar probably just wanted to stir up a little trouble. Maybe he’s been nursing a grudge on account of that time I told him I needed the bones for soup and he couldn’t have them. Why, I’m sure he didn’t think twice before barking up a storm.” “Oh I’m sure that might be,” Mrs. Smith interjected, “but I didn’t hear it from Shannon. I heard it from Teddy the paper boy. He said that he heard it from Mrs. Hendricks when he was mowing her lawn, and she heard it from Jeff, the delivery boy, who heard it from Larry, the cook who’s always outside smoking.” At this moment the gears in Ms. O’s head really began to turn hard. A no account dog was one thing, but a cook, even one who, she must admit, seemed to spend more time on break than on shift, was another thing entirely. Perhaps there may even be some truth to this rumor, although surely it couldn’t be so dire as the ladies had proclaimed. “Well-“ she began, before continuing with more strength, “I’m sure that whatever Larry said to Jeff, that flighty boy probably just misheard it. You know how he is, always dropping his bicycle right in a flowerbed, or taking a wrong turn and bringing you a pizza you hadn’t remembered ordering. Why, he’s got a good heart, but I wouldn’t put too much stock in his interpretation of events.” To this assurance the ladies again nodded sagely, and Ms. O felt that she had finally defeated the newfound menace. All parties’ good feelings were interrupted however, when Simon, the busboy appeared behind Ms. O and, tub and rag in hand, asked if he might be allowed to interject. “Well Simon, as you can see we’re quite busy with a conversation.” “Well of course Ms. O, but well, June told me that it was very important that you came back to the kitchen to attend to something.” This turn of events stopped Ms. O in her tracks. Her niece, June, was not at all inclined to fancy, in stark contrast to nearly everyone else in this town, and was so thoroughly practical that Ms. O had made her kitchen manager, despite the initial cries of favoritism from some of the more tenured, but admittedly flighty, employees. With a managerial nod that would have pacified the Queen herself, Ms. October excused herself from the conversation with the assembled Mrs.’s and backed away from the table before sharply turning and walking down the long hall to the kitchen, her nonslip shoes clicking sharply on the floor. 

Upon entering the kitchen, Ms. October was confronted by a sight that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a renaissance painting. To one side, June stood, her practical chin resting in her capable hands, clearly rapt in thought. On the other side, Larry and Robert and Cynthia and Murray stood, looking very nearly like the monkeys who are incapable of seeing, hearing, or speaking evil, with the addition of not even thinking about it. In between them, stood the oven, a tall double decker figure who was hiccupping uncontrollably. Ms. O couldn’t help but gasp. “Well, I’ll be! What is the meaning of all this?” “I have the hiccups, quite clearly!” the Oven announced. Turning to the evil-avoiders, Ms. O cast a gaze of furious confusion. “Well- as you can see-“ “We’ve done all we can –“ “He’s never even spoken before!” “If it is indeed a he-“ “We really shouldn’t assume.” “But calling it an it just seems demeaning!” “But, well, they are not feeling well,” “And we can’t make it stop!” It was now Ms. O’s turn to place her capable chin in her practical hands. She looked next at June, who had yet to speak in defense of this situation. “Everytime we try to put anything in, he just hiccups it right out. We still haven’t been able to bake those pizza rolls that were supposed to go out to the Morris’s nearly 37 minutes ago.” “And you only found it fit to tell me now!” “Well, I thought that perhaps we could have it handled, without your needing to worry.” “That course of action seems, for lack of a better description, very impractical!” Ms. O’s hands now went to her hips and she glared at the Oven itself. “And you, has this ever happened before?” Despite being much taller and heavier and made of stainless steel, the Oven felt itself cowed by its boss’s disapproving gaze, so that it averted its knobs shyly. “Well, I’m, hic, normally just the picture of health, b-but, hicc(!) today I just can’t stop these derned, hic, hiccups!” For all of her frustrations, Ms. O was not unreasonable and to this reply she nodded understandably. “Well, first things first, would you like to be called he or she?” “He, if you please. I, hic(!), have to say I’m rather surprised no one tho- hic- thought to ask previously.” “That’s all water under the bridge now. On to the hiccups, have you tried drinking a glass of water?” From all around the kitchen the assembled personages chattered excitedly. “Well Auntie,” June began, “of course that was the first thing we thought of, but as soon as we opened his mouth and poured the water in, it evaporated! It’s simply too hot in there.” Having considered this possibility herself, Ms. O was emotionally prepared for the slight disappointment. “Did you have him stick out his tongue?” “Not yet,” Robert volunteered, “although I told them that that’s what I always do.” “ I don’t think that really works though.” Murray replied. “Well it’s certainly worth a shot, it can’t make things worse!” “We have no way of knowing if it can or cannot make things worse! I don’t think any of us are qualified to say what will or will not make things worse.” “Fine then,” June began, “we can just put it too a vote, all who think that sticking out your tongue really works, raise your right hand, all who think it doesn’t, raise your left hand.”

Ms. O was honestly uncertain if she thought it worked or not. Hiccups, especially those afflicting appliances, were really not her area of greatest expertise, but she just couldn’t see why that that could possibly help. She raised her right hand halfway to indicate a willingness to try. To ensure a good voter base, Simon the busboy and Warren the dishwasher were asked to yell out either right or left, and their votes were tallied as well, with the final vote being five and a half in favor, two opposed, and one abstaining, the Oven deciding it would resemble conflict of interest if he himself voted on what to do. Democracy having been successfully implemented, the motion passed, and the Oven was commanded to stick out his tongue. First he opened both of his doors, then he extended each of his grill racks, one after the other until all were stuck out into the middle of the room. A heavy silence reigned while everyone waited anxiously for something to happen. “I hink it’s wherking!” the Oven exclaimed, “Waiht, hactually, I sthill have to- HICC” With an enormous hiccup the Oven retracted all of his grill racks and slammed his doors, shaking back and forth slightly in his spot. So close to success yet so far, Ms. O put her hand on her forehead and shook her head with frustration. Again a heavy silence hung over the kitchen. At last Ms. O broke the quiet. “Does anyone have any further ideas?”

[low-orbit-salt-cannon]

Evil Overlord Rules

Credit goes to http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.

I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.

Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.

I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

I will not outsource core functions.

If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.

Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.

I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.

If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor. 

All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.

I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.

If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.

If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)

If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.

If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.

I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"

I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.

I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.

If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.

If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.

I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.

Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.

[chipsanddespair]

Im not a nice person, not because of things I have done or will do. Its because of this post. This post is a trap, I assure DO NOT under any circumstances read under the cut. This post is pure despair, if you decide that your curiosity wont kill the cat, well then I offer that you read below!

Though for those who choose enlightenment to the despair I ask only this…

do not spread word of what is below the cut, only the brave and the fearless should posses such knowledge and despair.

I have made the purest manifestation of evil for the sake of humanity. only the strong will reblog, the strongest will read more…

Bee Movie Script

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Oh? that? Ha! that was only the first, now for round 2!

Bee Movie Script

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i ask what is true despair? The sense of hopelessness? The feeling of unnerve at the unknown?

Bee Movie Script

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Truly, this is despair. no matter the kind of person you are, no matter how you view yourself of the world, consider this.

We are nothing more than the same, cosmic dust of an ever expanding universe…

why must we despair?

Bee Movie Script

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

There is no need for hate for each other, just hate Despair. It does nothing but inconvenience you, it removes hope of an happy ending and brings that feeling of hopelessness.

So. next time you feel the need to hate someone for something bad happening to you, consider this? Does it inconvenience or concern you? Does it existence make you feel sad, scared, hopeless and worthless? Then is is really all that bad?

If the Answer is no, then Despair has lost.

[wyrm-wolf]

Where The Beast Lays In The Jungle

Okay so I'm trash and this was a great conversation on twitter I had with @camilleflyingrotten @postmortemdesign and two other people, so I jumped on NY writing wheels and wrote a fic for the Tarzan au, enjoy There are three things you have to remember when your in a mysterious unknown jungle where gorillas live, and no one has ever gone to discover. One, you should never expect to find the gorillas at first glance. They are very, very good at hiding. Two, make sure to have extra food and water packed, just in case SOMEONE decides to have a midnight snack. And three, never ever, ever, what so ever, get lost from the group. Unfortunately, as Will wrote these notes down in his journal he was at the moment, lost from the group he had arrived with. It had been a long day, and now he wasn't sure whether he would live to publish his book, or get lost and starve to death. Hell,maybe even get killed by something in the jungle. When they first landed on the island, Will has immediately wanted to explore the vast jungles living on the island. Jack had sent two bodyguards with him as he practically ran into the jungle. The guards had groaned and followed behind the young man, thirty minutes later and a wrong turn found Will lost. In the jungle. Alone. "I cannot believe this would ever happen to me, god dammit. Stupid jungle, stupid Jack." Will fumed, moving over large tree roots and vines, and pushing leaves out of his face. "I am going to die here, and haunt Jack for the rest of my life." Will looked up to the sky, or what would have been the sky if there weren't so many damn leaves in the way. He sighed, and shrugged his pack off his back, rummaging through for his bottle of water. A few sips, and he was about to pit the bottle back, until he felt his hat being pulled off his head. "Hey! Who do you-oh?" Will watched as a small baby monkey curiously examined his headgear. Will chuckled and spoke up. "Never seen a hat have you? Probably never seen a human either." "Oooh." The baby monkey tossed the hat at Will, who not to gracefully caught it, before running up to him. It squeaked and climbed his arms, Will laughed as the baby monkey touched his face with it's small hands. " I see your the little explorer aren't you? I wonder where your mother is?" Will questioned, as the baby monkey swung on his arm. It was surprisingly light and gentle with Will, as it examined his face and hair. "I should draw you." Will sat the monkey down who was now more curious in his compass than picking through his curly hair. He grabbed the sketchbook from his bag, and as quickly as he could manage tried to draw the monkey before it moved. Which did not last long when the monkey spotted him examining it, it had been interested and started to move around. Frustrated, Will tried to capture the monkey as best as he could. "Please stop moving monkey, I just want to-ugh, you know what nevermind!" He flailed his hands in the air as the monkey laughed at his frustration. "You are evil you know that? Fine, I'll just go find some other monkey to draw." When Will began to leave the monkey cried out, and pulled on his khakis for him to stop. It made sad cooing noises, and looked up at him sadly. No matter how angry Will was he always had a soft spot for animals, especially baby animals. He sighed, and sat back down on the rock, the monkey cheered and ran over to wrap it's little arms around his neck. He laughed and watched as the monkey pointed to the picture he was drawing of it, then wave it's arms around. "Ah, a little narcissist, I see. Maybe you should have stayed still, and I would have finished." Will pointed out. The monkey glared and ran off into the dense bushes off the forest. Will stood up, and followed after the monkey. "Hey, where are you going little guy?" He didn't even make it one step into the bushes before hearing a skin crawling roar from the bushes behind him. And well in all the books he's read, and work he's done out in the fields, all warn him never to run from a predator. But this roar was loud and close, and he's never really had to get too close to any of the animals he was studying. So he does the irrational thing. He runs. He runs so fast he never even looks back at what he's running from, he leaps and trips over tree roots and vines that litter the ground, while pushing giant leaves out of his way. The sound of bushes rustling behind him, only spurs him on to go faster than he could think was possible. Not stopping until he's either safe or dead, he thinks about how he has a possible fifty-fifty chance on either one. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, I screwed up so badly." Will says through puffs of great breathes while running. One hand holds into his hat so it doesn't fall off, while the other pushed leaves out the way. It isn't until a few more curses and an almost death trip from a damn vine, before he actually looks back to see what's been chasing him. Except there isn't anything there, it's just a trail of leaves that have broken off from his offensive pushing. Will rears the corner behind a tree, and leans over to gulp large breathes if air. Listening to the sounds around him he hears no sudden snapping of twigs, or anymore growls or roars from anywhere. With no sign of any danger around Will leans back into the tree, and falls onto his ass so he can take a break from almost dying. "I hate this jungle." Will groans, pulling out his water bottle and chugging the entire thing down, before placing it back into his pack. He listens to his stomach groan back at him, as he rummages for the snacks he packed. Unfortunately, those have some how disappeared. "Ugh,it was that damn monkey wasn't it?" Sighing and groaning from how quickly his day had turned from good too bad, Will leans his head against to rest up a bit. Will sighed out, closing his eyes as his body relaxed from all the tension. A few seconds later there's suddenly something tickling his nose, Will wiggles his nose to stop whatever is on his face to slide off, but then suddenly feels himself tensing up. Watching. He feels something watching him right at the exact moment, the hairs on the back of his neck stand up immediately as his body tenses. The sudden feeling of being watched by a hungry predator looking for it's next meal. Will's eyes fly open to the source of what's tickling his nose. And he screams. Right above him is certainly not a predator, but a man with rather long blonde hair and a scruffy beard. His maroon eyes stare into Will's own blue one's, and Will takes notice on his the man is practically NAKED. Will covers his mouth with his hands as the man grunts at him, and jumps down from the vine he was swinging from. Will watches as the man watches him, slowly on all four the stranger crawls towards him and sniffs. He's not sure if the man can either smell his own fear radiating off him, or it's his own cologne. But the man apparently takes offense to it, and grumbles his dissatisfaction. The man takes the moment to grab at Will's hat, and examine it. "Hey-" The man snaps his teeth at Will's hands as he reaches for his hat to take it back. Will instinctively moves his hand back to his chest, suddenly aware that than in front of him is more dangerous than he looks. After a closer inspection to Will's hat he throws it too the side, and moves closer to Will. "Oh, hey. No, no, stay back strange feral man. I come in um...peace. So uh, just go back to your trees and I'll be on my WAY!" Will jumps as the man climbs on top of him to inspect his brown curly hair. Averting his eyes away from the man's nakedness, rather aware how he smells like fresh water and growing grass. "So um, do you just not like clothes, or are you always walking around naked?" The man stops his inspection to pointedly look at Will, grunting before patting and feeling around Will's face. Will laughs a bit when the stranger runs his fingers down his sides, and slaps the man's hands away when he continues to tickle him. It was funny until the stranger shoved his nose into Will's crotch, and began sniffing him through his boxers. Will yelps and pushes him off, then covering his privates. "That is not for you!" He yells red faced. Will stands up, and begins to move away from the strange man. That is until he's being sweeped off his feet, and thrown over the man's shoulder!! "How dare you! Put me down right now, I'm warming you I know some mean fighting moves from going to the boxing rinks. Can you even understand me!?" He gets a sharp slap to the ass, and a low gutteral growl, which makes Will go stiff because the man sounds exactly like a tiger, before the man moves into action. The man jumps off the tree root, and surprisingly grips onto a hanging vine before swinging off into the jungle. Will switches off from screaming to cursing, while clutching at the man and pounding in his back. While Will finds it being absolutely terrifying to be twenty feet in the air, the man just laughs and swings like he was born to live in the jungle. It isn't until the man finds a nice massive tree branch too land on, before Will finds himself standing on slightly solid ground again. Will doesn't get the chance to even yell at the man, before finding himself getting pinned to the tree. His body going ridged as the stranger starts nosing at his hair, and sniffing his neck. "Could you like, not do that? That would be preferable better for me to yell at you, this is just uncomf-AH!" Will squeaks the last part as the man starts rubbing his hips against Will, making his face turn a new color of beat red and embarrassed. "Oh, you are just disgusting!" Will uses all the strength he has left in him to push the man away, and attempts to climb down the tree. That was probably a very bad decision to do, as the an got back up snarling and started after Will. Cursing and suddenly having a burst of adrenaline rush through him, Will moves faster to climb down the tree. At the last moment his foot slips and the muscle pulls, he yelps as he falls and one if his legs are grabbed mid fall. Will looks up to find the man has saved him from his doom, pulling him up onto the branch they landed on first. When his hurt leg touches the ground Will cries out, and falls to the ground to check on his wounded leg. He doesn't notice the man's face change from anger to worry, as he leans down to examine Will's strained leg. "I'm fine. It's just strained that's all, I probably shouldn't stand on it for awhile less I want to seal with more pain." Will explains to the stranger, although he's not really sure why because the man probably doesn't understand what he's saying at all. "Do you have a safe place where I can sit down for a bit?" He gets a weird look of confusion. Will sighs and explains further more. "You know, home? A place you sleep in everyday, eat in, bathe in? Home." He says his words slowly for the stranger to understand. The man is silent, staring at Will's mouth as he speaks before looking into his eyes. Will is about to give up, until the man does something shocking. "Home..." he says. Will's eyes widen as the man says the word again, "Home?" "Yes...Yes! Home! Home!" Will replies rather excitedly. The man smiles, and repeats the words a once more with understanding, and stands to throw Will over his shoulder. Will grunts in disapproval. "Can you not carry me like this, it's rather annoYING!!" Will screams as the man jumps of the branch, and covers his eyes as they swing through the air once more. He continues to keep his eyes closed and cursing at the man as they swing through the air, Will doesn't have the courage to actually look where there going, or good heavens even to look down. Even the thought of doing such a thing sends his stomach dropping. When they stop moving through the air like birds, Will finds himself getting tossed onto a rather soft pile of leaves. He does a loud 'oof' and dazedly watched as the stranger sniff at him, before laying his full body weight onto Will. "Home." The man confirms as Will glances around the place. It's not what he expected at all for a wild savage to have as a home, it looks like a once finely made treehouse before a wild animal found it and tore the place up. He sees old paintings on the wall, along with books littering the floor, some furniture, and other items needed for a living space. His mind starts reeling with questions to ask, but is train wrecked when he feels fingers on his shirt. "No! Stop it!" Will says swatting away the man's wandering hands. Will huffs, and fixes his shirt before moving away from the man. "What is it with you and trying to get me naked?" His response is an angry chuffing sound like a tiger would make, a mean glare, and the man moving closer to Will again grabbing the explorer and pulling him closer. Will struggles for about a good five minutes, repeatedly growling no and seating at the man, before giving up because the strange wild man is made like a brick house and will not give up. "You are impossible you know that?" Will grumbles as the man decides it upon himself to search through Will's hair and examine each hair on his head. "Do you have a name? Surely your mother and father would have given you one before...um leaving?" The man stops his searching and huffs out an incoherent noise. "What was that?" "Haaann-eh-ball." "Handball?" He gets a nip to his ear for his attempted joke. "Haan-ih-bal." "Han...Hannibal!? Is that your name? Hannibal?" The man, Hamnibal, smiles and makes some sort of mixed noise between a chirp and a purr, as he starts rubbing his faced into Will's neck. Will's face reddens, and he pushes Hannibal away slowly. "Will." He says slow and clear, pronouncing each letter slowly. "I'm Will. Can you say that?" "Will?" Will smiles brightly, and claps his hands together. Screw the guerillas, this strange feral man that has walked into his life is much more interesting. Now if only he was back at camp he could grab some books and start teaching Hannibal more wondrous things. Hannibal, having no interest to continue learning new words starts to sniff at Will again, still finding an awful scent on him as he announced his disapproval with a low grumble. Will doesn't take notice of Hannibal as he goes off ranting about his work, so Hannibal takes the chance to slowly unbutton the second skin thing on Will's body. He gets halfway through before Will notices and slaps his hands away. "Stop it. Hannibal that is not something you do-" "No." "Pardon me?" "No. No. No." Hannibal climbs on top of Will and shaking his finger at Will. Will is about to snap back at him until he realizes what Hannibal was doing. "Are you mocking me?" A grin splits Hannibal's face, and he nods his head. Will laughs and pushes him off. "You arsehole. That's not funny." Will can't help but smile instead of glaring at the wild man, Hannibal practically purrs as he rubs his face against Will's bare chest. "Okay, okay, off. I'm going to get some rest, you on the other hand better not try any funny business. Understood." Hannibal just grunts, and moves off Will completely. He leaves after another grunt, and leaves him to sleep in the torn house. Exhausted  Will collapsed into the soft pile and falls asleep. Later that day Will wakes up to an off putting noise. He turns over to his side blinking once or twice before taking the scene in front of him fully. Hannibal in all his naked and hairy glory, is laying by Will's side holding his shirt-which apparently is not on his body anymore-to his nose inhaling his scent. In his other hand is his fully erected large cock, the tip an angry red with precum sliding from it, as his hand aggressively strokes himself. Will is shocked into silence at the sight of the feral man before him. And apparently Hannibal knows he's watching. Because right before the man comes, he's arching his back off the floor staring back at Will and growls out his name. Will watches as he comes all over his stomach and his shirt, panting heavily in the aftermath. He tosses the shirt to the side, before rolling over and smearing his cum all over Will's bare chest. Will squirms to move away from Hannibal, but is to no use when he ends up curling around Will. "If you do not take me somewhere to clean your cum off me, I will personally push you off a damn tree branch next option I get." Will hisses at Hannibal while the man finds a comfortable position to hold Will in. Will tries not to yelp as he feels Hannibal's softening cock press against the curve of his ass. "Will." Hannibal sighs, nuzzling into his curls like a giant nuzzling big cat. "Yeah, yeah, you better hope you find a lake tomorrow." Will grumbles before closing his eyes again, because he knows he won't be able to get out of Hannibal's hold. He's tried too many times. By morning Will wakes to a hungry stomach and dried cum on his chest, he groans trying to sit up only to find his leg a little bit stiff from yesterdays activities. He looks around finding that Hannibal is nowhere around in the house, sighing Will lies back down. Before he can shut his eye there's a creaking noise before something heavy is slammed onto the ground. "Holy Fuck!" Will cries out, sitting back up. Looking to find Hannibal covered in blood, standing over the carcass of a dead leopard. He licks his lips, before stalking off into some other spot in the house and coming back with a knife. He leans over the leopard and cuts neatly into the meat. Will swallows a lump in his throat, and watches him tear chunks of meat off the carcass. He covers his stomach when it growls at the smell of blood, Hannibal stops his cutting and softly growls back at Will. "S-sorry, I'm just a bit hungry." He stutters. Hannibal picks up a chunk and crawls over to Will, before offering the piece to him. Will aggressively shakes his head, even if his stomach rumbles back at him. Hannibal grunts and pushes the meat to Will's face, but he shakes his head again. Then the meat is gone, only for a slight moment before sharp incisions are bluntly biting into his neck. Will gasps at the sensation before a strip of neat is pressed into his mouth, blood being smeared onto his mouth and neck from Hannibal. Will chews after Hannibal applies more pressure onto Will's neck, he can feel himself growing surprisingly hard. He eats a couple more strips of meat, before Hannibal decides to release his neck and nip all over his neck. "Ah-Hann!" Will gasped, grabbing at the feral man's soft long hair. Hannibal purrs and rumbles as he continues with his nipping, hips joining in on the fun as he begins humping into Will's ass. He groans rather loudly, unable to help himself from pressing back into Hannibal's hips. "Hannibal, please...stop..." He doesn't get an immediate response, but after a couple more twigs to the man's long flowing hair Hannibal cools down and comes to a stop. Both painting heavily, Will's face reddens at how hard he is, however he doesn't get a chance to push Hannibal off as the feral man moves over him and presses his nose to Will's crotch. Inhaling Will's musk deeply, purring and groaning loudly as he nuzzles into his erection. "Oh my god, this is rather embarrassing!" Will groans at the pressure against his clothes erection. "H-Hannibal I'm not sure I want to do this at the moment, you've smeared blood and there's dried cu-ah!" Hannibal not caring whether he's wearing clothes are covered in fluids, begins sucking at his clothed erection. Swallowing around his hardness, and leaving a wet spot on his clothes. Will moans, grabbing for Hannibal's hair to ground himself, this only sports the wild man on more than he wants him too. "Shit-wait!" Will pushes Hannibal off, ignoring as the man growls at him. Will quickly unbuckles his belt and khakis before shucking both his pants and underwear off. He expects Hannibal to go back sucking him off, but the man just states at him in bewilderment. " What!? I didn't do anything to offed you...have I?" Will suddenly feeling a bit insecure about himself, from Hannibal's muscular and scarred body to Will's lithe pale one. He's tempted to cover himself, but then Hannibal's pressing chapped lips against Will's own. "Mmmh!" Relaxing into the brutal kiss, Will let's Hannibal steer the wheel for now. They kiss softly twice, before Hannibal begins to nip at his bottom lip, and run his tongue around the inside of Will's mouth. Hannibal presses his erection against Will's own before starting to rub against him, they both moan out loud as Hannibal increases his thrust. Will's head falls back as Hannibal moves his lips down to his neck. Groaning as he growls into Will's neck, and yelping when Hannibal bites down on his skin. That's going to leave a mark. Usually Will wouldn't be so okay being manhandled, but right now he just can't get enough of Hannibal's low gutteral growls, calloused hands, and sharp fangs on his skin. Moaning over and over again as the feral man dominates him completely. "Oh...OH!" Will mewls as Hannibal bites into his skin again and again. Leaving traceable marks on his soft pale skin. Will watches as Hannibal's mouth slides down his chest, until he reaches his angry red cock. "Ooooh, Hannibal..." Hannibal takes Will's cock into his mouth, moaning at the taste of Will and sucking at the head. Will runs his fingers through Hannibal's hair, surprised on how soft it is for a man who lives in the jungle. He groans as Hannibal runs his nose up and down Will, sniffing and smelling ever corner of him, before taking him wholely into his mouth. This has Will turning into a moaning mess as Hannibal sucks roughly at him, mewling when he nips his skin, and thrusting up when the man's hands grip his ass roughly. "Ah! Hannibal-I....I'm-ah!" Will grips at Hannibal's hair tightly, wanting to warm him but unable to open his mouth without moaning. Hannibal however takes him all in when he comes, sucking him off until he's dry and soft. Hannibal sits up, gripping his own erection before jerking himself off, until he comes onto Will's chest. Again. When he's satisfied he pulls Will's into his chest, rolling over to his side growling and purring. He kisses Will's forehead, and sighs in content. "Will..." he murmurs softly into his curls. Will smiles, and rest his head against Hannibal's chest, before closing his eyes. "You know, usually when people have sex, it's after they've had dinner together. But I guess I can let you slide." Will chuckles at his own joke. The next time they wake up, Will is absolutely disgusted with how gross he smells and looks, and demands Hannibal to take him to a lake. Hannibal just grunts, and ignores him going back laying his head in Will's shirt like a big lazy lion. Will grumbles and fumes, standing half naked in the treehouse. "Hannibal I will not go around smelling or your fluids, so either take me to a lake or I'll leave to find one." Will snaps at the man. That immediately has Hannibal's attention, jumping up and grabbing Will's waist before throwing him back onto his nest-because yes it is definitely a nest where Hannibal collects Will's clothes just to smear his scent on them and aggressively cuddles Will-and pinning the smaller man to the ground. "Will!" Hannibal growls into Will's neck, pressing down with his weight. "Don't Will me, take me a damn lake or I'll go mys-" "WILL!" That's all Will needs to know before he calms himself down, and starts speaking softly to Hannibal. He's learned from the few days he's been with Hannibal to not pissed the man off, how else did the leopard corpse end up in the house. Will lifts his hands up, running them through Hannibal's hair and toning his words down into a whisper. "Hannibal?" Will starts, waiting to have the man's full attention, but when does he not have his full attention. "Can you please take me too a lake?" Hannibal goes limp in his soft touches, lifting off Will just a bit so he doesn't suffocate him. Kissing lightly at Will's pale soft skin where he left red angry bite marks, and humming in thought. There's a long sigh, and he stands up. "Yes?" "...Yes." Will smiles and goes to hug Hannibal, and instead gets intercepted as the man lifts him off the ground and onto his shoulder, again. Will groans, and is about to start bantering again, but Hannibal gives him a sharp slap to his ass and is off. So Will opts for just screaming and clinging onto the feral man. Twenty or so more minutes of screaming and cursing, Will finds himself relaxing in a-surprisingly clean-lake that Hannibal had found. Watching from the corner of he sees Hannibal cleaning out his hair and beard, and oh god is it a sight to behold. The man is an absolute picture of divine beauty, one you would find I'm the viking era. Long flowing hair, big beard, scarred muscled body. Uncaring of his own nudity, as he points water over his skin. Will licks his lips, staring at the slow trickles of water on Hannibal's glorious body. Apparently, he's a little to open with the gesture, and Hannibal smirks when he spots him looking. Will blushes, and turns his attention back to the short he was washing. Not noticing when Hannibal walks over to him, and presses against his back. Will fumbles with the piece of clothe, and blushes as Hannibal noses through his now clean hair. He grumbles and begins rubbing up against Will's backside. "Hannibal!!" Will says, standing up abruptly to move away from the him. Hannibal huffs but follows. There's a sudden burst of noises coming from the jungle. Will jumps, and pulls his wet shirt on him, moving to Hannibal's side. The feral man instantly moves in front of Will, snarling at the incoming noise. And out from the bushes comes Jack and his men, laughing at some joke said before. "Jack!" Will calls out, running over to them. "Will!!?" Jack calls out looking surprised, in fact everyone looks rather surprised that he's still alive. "How are you-what?" Before Will can explain or even lift a finger, Hannibal is there before him snarling and snapping at anyone close to him. Jack promptly jumps a mile back, while the other men either yelp or pull out there guns. Will jumps too at Hannibal's sudden aggressiveness, before resting a hand onto his shoulder. "Hannibal, calm down these are my coworkers." Will says calmly. Hannibal looks at him, and grunts before standing back a bit, but not letting his defenses drop. "Who the Hell is that?!" Jack calls out, all the other men still trembling and confused. Will just smiles and starts explaining like he's showing off a new puppy. "This is Hannibal, a feral man, he apparently has lived here his entire life. I've been teaching him something's for the past couple of days." No seems remotely interested in what he had to say, they seem more interested in the fact that Hannibal is both naked and sniffing at Will's curls. Jack is the first to break the silence. "So you didn't find the guerrillas, but you found some feral man that is much more interesting than an actual discovery. Graham do you know how much money we could have made if-" "Jack, nobody wants to read a book on smelly overgrown monkeys." He grumbled. "But people will read one on a man who walks around naked, and is dumber than a doornail?" "Will?" Will looks at Hannibal who looks about as ready to kill Jack as a cannibalistic murder would be when they found there next meal. He tenses and rest an arm on Hannibal's shoulder, shaking his head. Jack raises an eyebrow, noticing how the feral man understood what he had been saying. He's quiet for a moment, mind reeling with thought before speaking. "Wait, you said he's lived here all his life right? That means he should know where the guerillas are?" Jack asked stepping forward. "I guess. Yeah." Will shrugs. Jack nodded to two of his men, who walked up towards his side, still wary of Hannibal. "Show them back to camp." Jack ordered. Once they were back at the camp sight, Hannibal had instantly started inspecting a lot of the objects and items around the place. Sometimes he would bring one over to Will, who was unpacking a lot of the things he had brought with him, and would listen as Will explained them. Then get the man to pronounce the name for each item slowly, before repeating it back to him. Will was amazed at how quickly Hannibal learned, even if most of the time he was teaching Hannibal would just sniff or kiss him. Will wasn't sure how to bring out there relationship, but apparently letting Hannibal give him another blowjob was a rather bad idea when all the men at the camp would snicker and laugh when they saw Will after that. Hannibal however, looking like a proud lion with a kill in his jaws, scarred the living daylights out of the men all the time. Especially, when he brought another dead leopard in, and had Will clean up a nasty scar on his side. The men had been spooked at the sight of Hannibal covered in blood, and snarling at anyone who came near Will. He wouldn't even let them look at the leopard, at least not until Will had eaten an acceptable amount of the meat. After a week or two a Hannibal being around, and naked, Jack had demanded Will put some clothes on the man so he didn't continue to walk around naked. That was a very, very difficult task. Especially since Hannibal wouldn't stop ripping off the clothes. "Hannibal, you have to at least wear some pants. Nobody wants to see you walking around naked." Will acknowledged, pulling out a new pair of pants for Hannibal to try on. "You like seeing me walk around naked." Hannibal testified, Will huffed and rolled his eyes as the man moved away from his advances. "Besides I do not like wearing pants. They are...constricting." "Well I'm sorry that no one enjoys looking at your junk besides me." Will groaned, finally giving up and throwing down the pants. He couldn't take Hannibal's back and forth banter anymore, and had a headache starting the bloom. He stumbled over to their bed, and flopped down. Hannibal smiled at his win, and examined the soft shirt in his grasp. He ignored Will for a bit, testing the weight and feeling of the clothe, as Will removed his own clothing to get under the too hot covers. Both were unaware of the other unclothing and putting on clothes, until they turned to look at each other. Will gasped at the sight of Hannibal wearing clothes, he looked...domestic in a way. Tight white shirt gripping his chest in all the right ways, as the pants looked snugged against his ass. Gulping Will looked up to Hannibal's eyes, watching as the man ate in the view of Will's nakedness. "You know you don't have to put those clothes on, at the moment." Will hummed softly, trying to coax the beast into bed with him. "Actually, I think I rather enjoy the feeling." Hannibal said smiling as he knew where Will was playing at, but he would give his mate the satisfaction. Will frowned, and let the covers slide down his frame, almost exposing his soft cock that was starting to get harder. The beast in the room licked his lips, before stalking over to his prey. Vulnerable and accepting was Will, when Hannibal climbed on top of him. Gasping as he kissed into his neck, and nipped at the bite marks from there last coupling. Hannibal hummed, before starting to undo his shirt. Will reached up to make things go faster, but Hannibal slapped his hands away. "How will I learn to unbutton my shirt, if you help me, Will?" Hannibal smirked, using Will's own words against him. Will groaned, laying back and watching his lover undress as slowly as he could possible go. "You know the first time I saw you I fell in love with you." Hannibal mused, letting the shirt slide from his frame. Will snorted, and rolled his eyes. "Really? And here I thought you though I smelled like crap." "You did, but I wouldn't say you smelled of shit, just disgusting cologne. You were the most beautiful thing I've seen since living here, and wanted you to be mine." Hannibal explained, pulling his pants down showing off his large hard cock. Will felt himself blush at the sight, and redden even more when Hannibal threw the covers off him. "I wanted to mark you up and cover you in my scent so everyone would know you were MINE." Will gasped as Hannibal pounced on him, sucking at Will's soft neck and pulling his hair. Moaning as Hannibal nipped his neck, before kissing him, only to respond with even more moans that grew louder. He let the feral man lifts his legs up to start humping into his ass, groaning into Hannibal's lips. Hannibal bit at Will's bottom lip before going back to sucking his mates neck, Will squirmed slightly until Hannibal growled and held his hips in place as he continued. "Love, I think ah...we should use some lube tonight. Ah!" Will gasped through Hannibal's dry thrust, trying to get his attention. "Hann-AAH!" Will mewled as Hannibal bit down into his skin piercing the flesh to leave yet another mark on Will, it bleed lovely. After lapping up the blood from Will's shoulder, Hannibal flipped him over onto his hands and knees. Making Will chuckle softly as Hannibal nosed his way down Will's back before kissing at his right butt cheek. Will sighed enjoying Hannibal's never ending curiosity with his body, before jumping and grabbing onto the bed as sharp teeth nipped his ass. "Fuck! Hannibal!" Will growled at the man behind him. Hannibal growled back at Will, in a playful tone well as playful as a feral man can get, and played himself on top of him. Will groaned at the weight, before moaning when he felt Hannibal going back to dry humping him. He reached behind him to pull Hannibal's face back to his neck, the side he had yet to bite on that day. "So lovely, how you moan for me." Hannibal groaned into Will's ear, latching on with his teeth. Moaning, Will arched his back as he met with each of Hannibal's thrust. "Hann please, fuck me. God! Please." He groaned as Hannibal took his time. There was a grunt, and another nip to his ear, before he moved back to spit on his hand. "Hannibal we have line for th-that!" Will didn't get to finish his sentence as Hannibal shoved a finger inside him, the man was relentless moving his finger back and forth into Will. Before adding a second, and then a third, and then four fingers inside of him, which had Will crying into the pillow under him. Hannibal growled using his other hand to pull at Will's hair so he could moan out loud. He whimpered when the fingers vanished for a second, then cried out when he felt the tip of Hannibal's cock press into him. There was no warning or going slow with Hannibal, he pushed in until Will was full of him, letting Will have a few seconds to adjust before moving. And he was brutal. Pounding into Will's ass with the force of an angry bull, snorting and growling into his neck. Will wobbled on his arms to support himself up, luckily Hannibal was there. Or well maybe not so luckily, as he snapped at Will's movement to fall, gripping his waist with a vice like grip and pinning him. Will cried out, watching stars fly through his vision when Hannibal hit his sweet spot. At that Hannibal went wild, with lustful savage speed he used into Will, over and over even when Will's voice was going hoarse from crying out. It was a wonder why no one thought Hannibal was murdering him. Having the man set more weight onto Will to hold him still, as he continued to mount him. At last, Will came with a silent blissful moan, unable to speak anything as his body jolted and went lax. Hannibal took a little longer before he came with a thunderous snarl, milking himself through his ejaculation as Will mewled and squirmed slightly. When he pulled out he made sure to give Will's a soft slap, before falling next to Will's side. He pulled him into his strong arms, rumbling a purr into Will's ear as he nuzzled the spot he mark on his neck. "You are mine." Hannibal hissed into his ear. "I love you too." Will sighed, eyes slipping close faster than he realized. Succumbing to sleep in the arms of the beast he had laid with. By the way, expect there to be more for this cause I will definitely write more. Tell me how you like it by sending me a message