#you know the meme with the guy with the pizzas and the whole house is on fire

[dark-elf-writes]

Tiny Tav having a wooden duck on their arms while pretending to be a duck, following a wild shaped Halsin (who is a goose) and being followed by a wild shaped Karlach (she begged Halsin to do it), a bunch of spiders, Scratch and a hungry owlbear (who is NOT going to eat a spider because they taste bad and it would make Scratch sad)

They are all pretending to be ducks following mama Halsin while Withers tries to figure out what the fuck, he turned around five seconds

Half of the others, correctly, think it’s the cutest thing they have ever seen. The other half are definitely planning on using this for blackmail. Poor Withers realizes in that moment he will never truly understand mortals.

[diagonal-queen]

The ADA as your roommates

♡ characters: Atsushi Nakajima, Dazai Osamu, Kunikida Doppo, Yosano Akiko, Jun'ichiro Tanizaki, Naomi Tanizaki, Ranpo Edogawa, Yukichi Fukuzawa

♡ synopsis: How good are the ADA at being roommates?

♡ cw: This is a post born out of medication-induced sleeplessness and months of pent up unfiltered fury directed at my shitty, shitty housemates. Some of that resentment may shine through in the headcanons. Also naughty words, NSFW themes with Dazai

note: hey y'all. i know it's not a request but it's the best i've got right now. law school and depression are kicking my ass. y'know that meme with the tiny man, and then the two buff dudes start beating the shit out of him? that's law school and depression with me. as always apologies for errors and i hope you enjoy x

Atsushi:

Help he's so sweet and awkward all the time?? Always gives you a little wave or a smile and nod when you pass each other in the halls

He buys candies and chocolates and things and leave them in a bowl on the table for people to take if they want :')

When his roommates feels sad he takes the time to hang out with them and help them through whatever problem they're having

In the morning when he comes into the kitchen to make breakfast he's all yawny and has a scruffy bedhead and it's SO cute

He doesn't do it consciously, but on occasion Atsushi will fall asleep on the couch, and even more occasionally he'll transform into Byakko in his sleep. You get used to it after a while, but you can't really invite friends over unless you know Atsushi is in his room or out of the house T-T

But he really is so sweet. If you bring someone over they develop a crush on him immediately, but of course he's oblivious. After they leave he turns to you and is like 'aw your friend is nice' (they were hardcore flirting with him)

If he ever has an issue with you or the house, he gets very nervous when bringing it up because he doesn't wanna cause any conflict (you could be smashing the plates on the ground every day and he'd be like 'hey so i'm super duper sorry to bother you like i really hate to nag but-')

My mans. Is doing. His BEST

Dazai:

Screw you.

Holy shit this guy is an absolute nightmare to live with. he'll drive you crazy within the week just because of how *little* he does around the house

He doesn't clean his dishes. He doesn't buy stuff for the house. He doesn't do a DAMN thing.

Preferably, if you're gonna be living with him, you'll also wanna bring Kunikida. He has his own issues but at least then there's a balance between a chore-driven man and the embodiment of sloth, the deadly sin

He will stumble through the front door at 3am with unkempt clothes and the stink of alcohol on him. and he won't bother trying to be subtle or quiet either. Just crashes around until he pukes on the floor and falls asleep on the couch

At least he flushes (more than I can say for my housemates /gen)

He drinks in the house, and leaves bottles everywhere. The entire place is damn near bordering a safety hazard because of all the glass

Tries to cook but absolutely can't do it- he sets fires, ruins the kitchen, etc etc. It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to assume that all takeout packaging and pizza boxes you find strewn around the house belongs to him

He's fully up for a secret hookup if you're into that, though. Just give his door a knock after 11pm and you're in

Kunikida:

This guy is both a saint and a total pain in the arse

On one hand, he does his chores and he does them literally perfectly. Is there even a perfect way to wash the dishes? There is now. Kunikida is here

On the other hand you can kiss your hopes of getting out of your own chores goodbye. This man makes a schedule. a chore chart. a system. he pulls out the whole nine yards

Thanks a lot DAZAI

Anyway, he has his merits. Kunikida brings it upon himself to bring up the slack (even if he doesn't want to) because he can't stand living in a messy space, so your home is always spick and span

He organises weekly or monthly meetings to discuss home affairs (he's a real Louis Moriarty, he will also make you omelettes)

Kunikida is also kind of a walking talking alarm clock- he wakes you up in the morning if you're not up by a certain time, and also gives you a lights out time at night when he deems it bedtime

He pretends that this is just a part of routine and etiquette and whatever- in reality, he just really cares about your health and wants you to get enough sleep and keep a consistent routine

He also encourages you to go out if you're an introvert because "staying inside all the time is bad for you". Damnit Kunikida

Yosano:

Oh she's so great to live with

Every time you run into her you two always end up bitching to each other about something. She's the ultimate bitch buddy

If you get sick she takes on the role of home doctor, quarantines you in your room, and tends to you until you're well again. Or, if she doesn't like you, she just chops you up and gets it over with lmao

Yosano drinks a lot though. You eventually get used to falling asleep to the sounds of crashing, whirring chainsaws and maniacal laughter from the next room over

She takes AGES in the bathroom, so you really ought to keep a bucket on hand or something just in case. Like this woman will be in there for hours on end (RIP your water bill)

She also always takes up the phone line because she's a lil social butterfly (RIP your phone bill) but she'll also take your phone calls for you if you don't like talking on the phone so there's that

Yosano is really sweet but she always leaves her stuff laying around. Like there'll just be patient portfolios and medical tools in the living room?? Girl

Some nights she comes home with a bigass pizza in her hand and a bottle of wine in the other, and you know you're in for a GOOD time

If you ever need some spare cash she'll give it to you but if you take too long to pay her back she WILL chop you up so beware

Tanizaki:

He's a perfectly adequate roommate.

In all honesty there's barely anything to say about Tanizaki. He does his chores, respects his roommates, helps them if they need help, etc etc. He's just a real stand up guy!

Though I HC that Tanizaki gets sick pretty easily, so he can sometimes be seen wandering the house with a pale face wrapped in a blanket making sad boy noises

He gives you lifts as long as you're able to provide gas money (or McDonalds, either works as payment)

He doesn't usually accept invitations to go out drinking, but he's more than happy to grab a coffee with you if time permits it. He's just a responsible guy 😌 (if you don't have time he'll also bring you a coffee because he's just that nice)

Tanizaki always has backup stuff in case you guys run out of anything. This man basically has a bunker's worth of extra supplies for literally no reason, but hey free stuff!

He likes to make dinner for you sometimes, and you guys eat together and chat (it's something he grew used to while living with Naomi)

He's always happy to lend you his stuff if you ever run out of things (because of Naomi he even keeps backup menstrual stuff on hand, so you vagina owners are all safe)

You guys definitely do face masks and manicures together too

Naomi:

Naomi might, literally, be the roommate ever

She does her chores, she keeps quiet at night, she lets you know if she's bringing people over. Her only flaw is that she's always talking about her brother. Naomi please

She's also very vocal whenever her brother's in the house. What are they doing ffs

She bakes cupcakes and cookies and stuff each week for her roommates

She also brings around her friends sometimes for movie nights, and if you come into the living room she invites you to watch movies with her and her friends

Naomi honestly invites you to everything. Parties, gatherings, hanging out with friends- she's a true extrovert and will adopt you if you're an introvert, you have no choice sry :/

She also decorates the place really well- in all honesty she really did miss her calling as an interior designer because miss girl makes your home look CLASS

Naomi is the roommate you go to when you're preparing for a date and you need help with your outfit or nerves. She's like the ultimate wingwoman fr

She also buys incense and air freshener so your house smells nice as FUCK

Ranpo:

He's almost as bad as Dazai, aside from the fact that he can respect rules, and so (although begrudgingly and with a lot of whining) he actually does his chores

If you all live together he steals all of the candy Atsushi left out for everyone :(

Basically lives in his pyjamas. He gets home from work and immediately gets changed into his jammies

He also hogs the TV and won't let you watch Netflix until his own shows are finished :( and he also judges you for your taste in TV regardless of what it is

Ranpo never cooks for himself or you, but he LOVES when you cook for him. It makes him feel so special

You guys also get takeout all the time. You make a tradition of it and get different stuff on different days. It becomes a part of the autism routine and now you're stuck wasting your money (haha)

You also have to take him places and accompany him everywhere because he knows fuck all about taking the train. You basically live life around Ranpo's (annoying spontaneous) schedule

He uses too much soap in the shower and gets bubbles all over the bathroom, but at least he smells nice?

He does all the house paperwork, so silver lining and all

Fukuzawa:

He's lowkey kind of scary 😔

Like, he's a really respectful roommate who does his chores and pays mind to his living companions, but he also just like barely comes out of his room or talks to anyone.

Plus, detective daddy kinda has a massive case of RBF which really isn't helping

That being said, he will make tea for you if you feel blue, and he'll sit in your room and silently listen to you complain about your issues for hours. The PATIENCE of this man

He randomly does really sweet stuff for you without saying a word about it. Replaces broken stuff, makes you pancakes in the morning etc.

Fukuzawa tends to work late hours so he's often awake late in the night. He enjoys when you keep him company on your sleepless nights, and will give you a blanket if you end up falling asleep in his bed or on the couch

He's also super neat and never touches your stuff without asking <3

He knocks on your bedroom door and the bathroom door every single time, just in case, and he never enters unless you give him the heads up

His own door is never locked in case you need him too. Or in case there's a break-in. Good luck to that person fr

taglist~ ♡ @gettinshiggywithit, @fyodorhatr, @flower-of-darkness, @bejeweledgirl, @kokoenjiandco, @pinkiipeachiikeen, @call-me-albie, @sayyestoheaven00

[frances-baby-houseman]

lol I love it how we're all like, no I won't make you ask these, I will just overshare on my own 😌

Ask meme for people in their 30s 40s

What was the first piece of furniture you bought? A little ikea coffee table with curved legs that I used as a tv stand until it literally collapsed.

What proportion of your meals do you cook? I cook dinner 5ish nights a week, and I make most of the breakfasts and lunches when we're at home. I'm the only cook in the house (my husband does do basic meal stuff like eggs and mac and cheese) so the other nights tend to be takeout.

Foaming hand soap or normal hand soap? foaming or liquid, just not bar.

Favorite chore? folding laundry

Least favorite chore? every other part of laundry (but honestly I hate all chores, they're chores!)

Most precious thing one of your pets has destroyed? no pets!

Any groceries you've been getting into lately? popsicles

What cleaning product do you swear by? folex carpet cleaner

What's your emotional support craft? crochet

Youtube, cable TV, or streaming? my PREFERENCE is cable from the year like 2002, but my reality is cable and every single streaming service.

What's something you saved up for and then regretted buying? honestly I cannot think of anything?

How many cups can you see from where you're sitting? owala water bottle, can of strawberry culture pop, empty mug from my friend's bookstore

Which filter are you most likely to go "eh, it's probably fine" when you find out you need to change it? I don't filter things, I barely chagne the car oil

How often do you take baths? omg never bc I barely fit in our vintage tub but if I could I'd do it weekly

Do you go down each aisle when you grocery shop, or only the ones you know you need stuff from? I exclusively shop at trader joe's, which only has 3 aisles, so yes, but when I am forced to go to a real grocery store, absolutely not.

Where do you go when you need to get out of the house but it's raining? Target or the movies or the gym. gtl if you will.

What's a movie you saw recently that you liked? Hit Man!

Pro or anti tchotchkes? pro! I love little things that show people who you are.

What's your go-to tape? just regular scotch but I also like pink painters tape in the right situation.

What's in your freezer right now? ICE, bc I am southern, and also many popsicles and asian items from trader joe's

Last concert you attended? James Taylor, it was wonderful

Favorite grocery store? Trader Joe's but ideally Publix, where I would go down every aisle, bc they are still reasonable.

Paper bags, plastic bags, or reusable bags? reusable but I sometimes get paper (I have to buy them for $.10) bc I use them for our compost.

Do you get your government mandated 8 hours every night? lollllll

Favorite old person activity? saying "who is that, you know that guy in the thing with the girl who was in that show with julia louis dreyfus"

Would you rather sit on the porch drinking sweet tea or sit by the lake drinking beers? lake with sweet tea

Do you prefer Boardgame Night, Build-Your-Own-Pizza Night, or Movie Night with your friends? movie

Be honest, do you like all of the pictures of their babies that your friends send you? oh yes, who doesn't love a baby

Go-to holiday card format? no holiday cards! we're jews!

How many pairs of scissors do you own? like 3 normal pairs and 2 pairs of kitchen shears

Do you still own your first car? Nope.

How do you take your morning coffee/tea? coffee with whole milk

What's something you collect? I don't really collect anything but I do wish that I did. I just like a lot of junk!

What's your commute like? about 35 min on the expressway including school drop off, but hopefully taking the train next year.

Aisle at the grocery store you never bother walking down? again I only shop at trader joe's, which has 3 aisles and I have them all memorized. Ask me where something is.

Do you keep a daily journal or agenda? daily journal with just a few lines

Do you still listen to the same music you listened to in high school? all the time

What's the last filter you changed? HVAC filter like 2 months ago

What little treat do you always get when you run errands? cute socks at target or a dessert treat

Grocery list or no grocery list? list

What's an unjustifiably expensive appliance that you really want? pebble ice maker

Favorite book you've read recently? Greta & Valdin

Honest feelings on Settlers of Catan? ??

What's something you wish you had more time for? spontaneity

What kind of stuff do you keep on the door of your refrigerator? school stuff and pictures of me as a baby for some reason

Lamps or overhead lighting? lamps

If you could build your home from scratch, what outrageous feature would you want to build into it? a private living room just for myself

Do you bring a bag with you everywhere you go? no, I load up my giant coat pockets in the winter

Pro or anti throw pillows? pro but not super strong feelings here. like, they are good for design and comfort but don't go crazy.

How many blankets do you keep in your living room? 3 in the living room, 4 in the den

Did your relationship with your parents get better when you stopped living with them? lolllll

What's worse, the DMV or the Social Security Office? bureaucracy is bureaucracy

Do you decorate your house for holidays? Which ones? not really, a little for halloween but again, jews.

Favorite high-effort meal that you make? oh god I haven't cooked something really good in ages, but I guess brisket and potato kugel

Favorite low-effort meal that you make? chicken sausage pasta

Do you tend to bring an appetizer, entree, dessert, or drinks to a potluck? dessert or pasta salad

What kind of bag do you use for your bag full of bags? the most structured of the bags

If you died and your ghost was stuck in the outfit you're wearing right now for the rest of time, would you be happy with it? mostly, though these shoes rub a little.

Do you have an opinion on your local weather reporter? Tom Skilling 5 eva

Do you have a favorite brunch spot? I once did! I don't brunch anymore but I do love the french place in my town.

Where are you on the minimalism-maximalism kinsey scale? far on the maximalism.

Opinion on Bath and Body Works? nope.

Last time you visited a farmer's market? saturday. we go most weeks in the summer!

Anything you're procrastinating on right now? oh god just about everything. I'm on question 64 of this stupid survey!

Do you get your taxes in as soon as possible, at the last minute, or late? I used to be early but now my husband has to do them and it's a Whole Thing

Do you keep any stuffed animals on your bed? yes

Are your garbage bags scented or unscented?oh god unscented, I would throw away scented ones

What are you looking forward to next week? getting a new tv! (ours died and the replacement won't be here for a few days... kill me)

[alvaeris]

Internet Quotes

No more gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss

It’s time for genocide

I like people how I like my tea, in a bag, underwater

First of all, cringe, second of all, red flag

SORRY I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE EARTH SHATTERING PROSTATE ORGASM I JUST GAVE YOUR DAD

My skin is simply the spray paint god choose for me

Manipulate, Mansplain, Male Wife

Twinkie the kinky

Remember that all twink(ie)s deserve a cream filling

I used to be pan, but because of (insert reason here) I am now straighter than your left wall, I know, I live there

Didn’t like that answer, can you do a funnier one

They should also get you a bucket of water to get your partner wet

Send that bitch to god, same day delivery

Life is a journey do you really wanna end it one the pavement

Treat everyone like a serial killer who’s list you don’t wanna be on

Yes bathe the menace, they smell of rain, water, dirt, and the sins of his past. Bathe them they need it

Boot up, bitch

Why is it called boob sweat and not humidtitties

The same reason we all regret the name Worcestershire sauce

Mark my fucking worms

What do teens like?!? Is it memes? Memes about skeletons? Piss? Communism?

Listen up you one lifespan, three dimensional, five sensed skin puppets

Sorry for having great tits and correct opinions on everything as if it’s my fault

Ruin the lives of everyone around you and then die

That is the sound of childhood happening

Wear heelies to escape your feelies

The yassification of Christianity

That’s what 3 am water tastes like

Bite me as hard as you please, and make me see stars. I am yours-

Imagine a burger saying this

Me, as I force a dollar into the self-checkout machine: that’s right…good boy…vore president Washington

Stay fresh cheese bags

Honey is considered raw meat by the FDA

Actually I call it womanipulation. For feminism.

Gaslamp girlboss gatecrash or whatever

I’m learning to person from scratch okay?-

Pride and prejudice

TEENS WANT BEETLES NOT JESUS

The men are being sluts again, nature is healing

SACRÉ BLU MADEMOISELLE VAGINA HON HON HON TIDDIE CROISSANTS

TITS IS TITS

“Which do you prefer, pecs or tits?” Wtf, wtf, hello?? What are you saying to me rn??? Are you serious? Tits are tits. Love is love. Etc. don’t speak to me.

Violence is an art, your body, the louvre

It fucken WIMDY

I am the wind and I’ll rip your head off bitch

I just threw my newborn son into a blender

I am a pocket rocket of sass

I’m ga. Gey. Guay. Boys.

SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH

They were yassified ahead of their time

Forget the man and get something you can rely on, like a taco, or a milkshake

Women rights, women are equal, go to the back of the line

Apple fritter babies

They had their heads so far down when they walked out they were looking at china

You’re so boring you’d put Snorlax into a deeper sleep

I WOULDN’T REMEMBER THIS IF I WERE YOU

Alright you STD spreaders

No more manipulate, mansplain, malewife, it’s time for manslaughter

It tickles the autism in my brain

They beat Jesus with that

None pizza with left beef

Pop a wheelie into heaven

Once a man, now deemed a clown

No more diets, only riots

You really should come with a supply of cheese to match your vintage whine

You are not a clown, you’re the entire circus

There’s those who’ll ride into Hell with you, and those that will drag you back afterwards

The oldest white guy to ever white

Roses are red silent as a mouse your door was unlocked I’m inside your house

Weird hill to die on man, but at least your dead

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van

I’ll scrape- you can scrape…my wood

You will be boiled

We are just tiny vegetables in gods eternal soup

You have room temperature IQ

You sound like how dust tases

Okay but like…can you do that to my ass

Hammed burger :(

And what is the world if not God’s own personal game of Sims

Kinktober, No Nut November, and Destroy Dick December are consecutive, this says something about humans as a whole-

Hnghg…. soup

Take a long walk off a short pier

Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you they don’t laugh either

Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches without bitches

You have two brain cells and each of them are fighting for third place

If you ever do that again, I’ll make you forget what it’s like to eat solid food

I’m gonna shatter you like glass

I’m looking at someone who’s never felt the warmth of their father

Don’t do milk. Go to drugs. Drink school.

To get on your level I’d need a boat trip to the Mariana Trench and a pair of cinderblock shoes

SHUT UP YOU’RE INBREAD

Even a worm will turn

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cause Jill’s real name is Randy

Tip: spice up your panic attack with a harmonica

I mean, Batman couldn’t beat this information out of me but get it ig-

I’ll use my trusty frying pan, as a drying pan

The manager has been dead for 80 years oOoOoOoO next

“ArE yOu CaLlInG mE a LiAr???!?!?” Well I ain’t calling you a TRUTHER

People say we cannot live without love, I think oxygen is more important

Meditate, masturbate, manipulate

Bbg you are soup now!

They’ll be recovering pieces of your body for at least three months. You will be alive for at least two of them :).

Fuckerations

Hellon’t

Why do I have to get pretty for Jesus? I don’t like him like that!

Fatism

I’m gonna fuck your dad and give him a child he actually loves.

You don’t take a shit, the shit takes you

I have never once been submissive. One of the few things I can boast about. I have never even been submissive to a traffic signal.

I alone am the reason shampoo has instructions

I’m like Jesus I rest on Sundays

I’m gonna suck your eyeballs outta your skull

You hard boiled turtle slapper

We are in the timeline god abandoned

It’s hotter than a demon dick in a wool condom

If you stared into Medusa’s eyes she’d kill herself

Next person to talk is getting their nervous system braided

You’ve opened this can of worms, now lie in it

He’s got a mouse in his trousers

Everybody mistake make

I fart in your direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

CURSE OF RA 𓀀 𓀁 𓀂 𓀃 𓀄 𓀅 𓀆 𓀇 𓀈 𓀉 𓀊 𓀋 𓀌 𓀍 𓀎 𓀏 𓀐 𓀑 𓀒 𓀓 𓀔 𓀕 𓀖 𓀗 𓀘 𓀙 𓀚 𓀛 𓀜 𓀝 𓀞 𓀟 𓀠 𓀡 𓀢 𓀣 𓀤 𓀥 𓀦 𓀧 𓀨 𓀩 𓀪 𓀫 𓀬 𓀭 𓀮 𓀯 𓀰 𓀱 𓀲 𓀳 𓀴 𓀵 𓀶 𓀷 𓀸 𓀹 𓀺 𓀻 𓀼 𓀽 𓀾 𓀿 𓁀 𓁁 𓁂 𓁃 𓁄 𓁅 𓁆 𓁇 𓁈 𓁉 𓁊 𓁋 𓁌 𓁍 𓁎 𓁏 𓁐 𓁑 𓀄 𓀅 𓀆 𓀇 𓀈 𓀉 𓀊

Thought I’d have some cosmic horror turns out I’m a cosmic whore

I grew this dick for you, you clod

The man who waits, masturbates

Punch me in the back of the frontal lobe until I’m out colder than Bill Cosby’s pong partner

It’s never a war crime the first time

Your life lacks whimsy and your ass is flat

I’d rather play dead at a necrophiliac convention

CURSE OF THE NILE 𓀔𓀇𓀅𓀋𓀡𓀡𓀕𓀠𓀧𓀨𓀣𓀷𓀷𓀿𓀿𓁀𓁶𓁰

𓁴𓁿𓂀𓁾𓁵𓁯𓂞𓂤𓂗𓃃𓂾𓂺𓂹

𓃞𓃙𓃖𓃓𓃕𓃓𓃜𓃘𓃙𓃟𓃛𓃞

𓂺𓃂𓂿𓂺𓃃𓃂��𓂏𓅱𓅥𓅩𓅦

𓅹𓅸𓅳𓅩𓅪𓄭𓄫𓄮𓄬𓄗𓄑𓄌𓃦

𓃧𓃨𓃤𓃟𓃓𓃅𓃁𓂽𓃂𓂊𓁾𓂀𓁽

𓁼𓁠𓁛𓁟𓁦𓁜𓁭𓁡𓀔𓀇𓀅𓀋𓀡𓀡𓀕𓀠𓀧𓀨𓀣

𓀷𓀷𓀿𓀿𓁀𓁶𓁰𓁴𓁿𓂀𓁾𓁵𓁯𓂞𓂤𓂗

𓃃𓂾𓂺𓂹𓃞𓃙𓃖𓃓𓃕𓃓𓃜

𓃘𓃙𓃟𓃛𓃞𓂺𓃂𓂿𓂺𓃃𓃂

𓂛𓂏𓅱𓅥𓅩𓅦𓅹𓅸𓅳𓅩𓅪𓄭𓄫𓄮

𓄬𓄗𓄑𓄌𓃦𓃧𓃨𓃤𓃟𓃓𓃅𓃁

𓂽𓃂𓂊𓁾𓂀𓁽𓁼𓁠𓁛𓁟𓁦𓁜𓁭𓁡𓀔𓀇𓀅

𓀋𓀡𓀡𓀕𓀠𓀧𓀨𓀣𓀷𓀷𓀿𓀿𓁀𓁶𓁰𓁴𓁿

𓂀𓁾𓁵𓁯𓂞𓂤𓂗𓃃𓂾𓂺𓂹𓃞𓃙

𓃖𓃓𓃕𓃓𓃜𓃘𓃙𓃟𓃛𓃞𓂺𓃂

It’s not a crack house its a crack home

_____ is like playing chess with a pigeon. You could be a grandmaster, they’re still going to shit on the board and strut away like they won.

We’ll see who’s sloshing soon!

Being on deaths door just means you got a new neighbor!

Guards! Take this creature to a scary room

Oh my god! Boobs! Hoo ha, love them!

Fun Fact: female Jesters were called “Joculatrix” & therefore male Jesters should be called “Joculator”!

:3

-🌀

what. the. actual fuck. okay firstly WHY ARE HALF OF THEM ABOUT BOOBS??? 😭😭😭😭 secondly which pit of hell did you dig these up from??? thirdly, wow. what is "bbg you are soup now" supposed to mean??? or, "hard boiled turtle slapper".

[fruitflavor]

anyone want my curious family headcanons. yes you do come here. long post warning

VIDCUND

post-psp he becomes the estranged relative that fucks off and disappears. he comes back about 10 years later like… surprise 

in those 10 years i like to think he lived in some apartment in belladonna cove as a horticulturist or something to do with plants

his natural hair is dark brown due to recessive genes or however genetics work idk man

he started dying his hair blonde sometime before he started college to “reinvent himself” but oops! once a loser always a loser. also to fit in more with his family

besides circe and his brothers his only friend in school was the librarian. they were on first name basis

everything about his life is just profoundly Sad and Pathetic. look up the price is right losing horn sound effect his whole life can be summed up with that

his wardrobe is stuck in the 1970s and only wears warm tones

had a really close relationship with his mom. slight daddy issues

extreeeeme perfectionism. probably wont even do anything if he know the outcome isn’t going to turn out well

secretly jealous of his siblings for various reasons but will he ever admit that? fuck no

JENNY

jenny is actually just a nickname, her full name is genevieve! i feel it fits in more with how her other brothers are named 

also her green eyes are actually eye contacts, her natural eye color is brown. all the curiouses have shitty vision

was good friends with lyla grunt in high school

dropped out of college after finding out she was gonna have johnny

had him without the rest of the family knowing, they just assumed she was busy with her nursing degree and only had time to call instead of visit

her favorite song is our house (the one by graham nash) she hums it a lot!

oh trust me shes a huge fucking nerd just like the rest of her family. was very apparent when she was in school but after college you’d have to really get to know her to know that

puzzle enthusiast of all kinds. (crosswords, jigsaw, sudoku etc)

was the photographer/spread designer for the yearbook committee

adds a smiley face at the end of all her messages :-) just like me fr

PASCAL

he had a pet lizard that he got when he was 8. her name was eunice and he took her everywhere. to the dismay of literally everyone

his childhood dream? to become a mailman. 

sparkling water enjoyer…

most definitely becomes a pta parent when tycho starts going to school. also chaperones for all of his field trips

proud member of the neighborhood watch. which contains literally only 2 other people 

favorite genre of music is songs that sound like if you just spammed the auto predicted words on the keyboard over and over again (stuff is way by they might be giants, once in a lifetime by talking heads, yaknow)

in his free time hes always on some forums about obscure topics. sorry to say this but he’d probably be a redditor

somehow ended up on a gameshow once. didn’t win anything though. he thinks being on it is the crowning achievement of his lifetime 

his car looks like this 

LAZLO

his favorite movie is bill and ted’s excellent adventure (i promise my profile+pinned has no influence on this what do you mean guys hahahaah) and the other quintessential stoner movies 

because of his high cooking skill and scientist career, his career ends up being in the field of molecular gastronomy. food science, baby!

shared a room with vidcund before jenny moved out for college

oh in middle school he absolutely had that like, that gelled spiky porcupine looking hair that boys had in the 90s-early 2000s

i feel like he’d be the perpetrator of some in-universe version of an early 2000s meme in the same vein as none pizza with left beef or operation baja blast

speaking of baja blast. his favorite fast food chain is taco bell. 

favorite mode of transportation? rollerblading. 

collects novelty mugs

one of those guys that can solve a rubix cube in under 10 seconds

MISC

the smith family house is actually the curious family’s childhood home

they all have matching “C” middle names:  jenny celeste curious, pascal calliope curious, vidcund cecil curious, & lazlo caelum curious. vaguely space related except for cecil i just liked how it sounded

they’re mixed white/filipino from kitty and glarn respectively ;-)

okok this is a general headcanon but. i like to strangetown “takes place” in 2008, because my timeline is:

base game [2008] -> psp [2008-2009] -> strangerville [2018-2019]

anyways this is relevant because birthday headcanons! i havent come up with actual dates but... jenny (1968), chloe & lola (1972), pascal (1974), vidcund (1976), lazlo (1980)

yes chloe & lola are 3 years younger than jenny but i like to think aliens age really slowly so they still look like they’re young adults  

[spicysix]

ok, so last week you guys helped me focus on my soulmate!AU fic - and i finished writing it and posted it! if you're interested in X reader fics, you can read it here. following my own rules, i headed to the second most voted, my jargyle summer challenge fic, and i was able to write over 3k words! thank you all so much for that!! (insert *it's not much but it's honest work* meme here lmao)

i was going to do another round this week, but i'll have my two long distance best friends coming over on wednesday, so i'll just enjoy their company for the week they'll be here - i'll still be around shitposting on tumblr, including to post going home updates, but my writing will be a little scarse

also thank you so much to everyone who tagged me in their WIPs posts and games, you can continue to tag me so I can still see your posts and engage with your writings!!

i'll come back in two weeks with another round of this! i really liked doing it. once again, thank you so much for joining and, as a treat, here's a snippet of the jargyle fic under the cut ♡

If someone asked him, Argyle is not sure he’d be able to retell the whole thing.

And, sure, maybe you can blame the weed a little bit. He might have partaken in it a few times here or there during the whole thing. It was right there at the van! How could he say no? Not at any of the big moments, though, of course not. He’s a stoner, not an idiot. He only smoked twice on the road when Jonathan was the one driving, that hotbox he did with Eden, beautiful goth goddess of his dreams, and once to bake the pizza during the whole freezer piggyback thing. When they got to Hawkins, he only collected mushrooms, didn’t do them. He didn’t even have the time.

It wasn’t any substance that made the next few weeks go by hazily.

It was just too much.

Chaos was installed when they arrived in Hawkins. Earthquakes had ripped open wounds into the soil of the small town — living, squeamish, bleeding wounds. Argyle learned later they were portals to the dimension under their own, where all the problems surrounding his friend’s family came from in the first place.

People were missing and hurt, some even died with the way the gates tore through houses and buildings, and the mood around Hawkins as they drove through it was rightfully sour.

Jonathan drove to his girlfriend’s house, some other people already there and it was a beautiful reunion, it really was, but Argyle felt out of place. They parted ways after, and the ones that had been there already headed to the High School to drop some donations — except for Nancy, who went inside the van and into the passenger seat as if she owned it.

It had been Argyle’s.

But it was okay, he stayed in the back with the kiddos.

They went to the hospital, one of them — the one Supergirl had mentally piggybacked on — was hurt and in a coma. Argyle waited in the van as the rest of them went in to see her — he didn’t know her, didn’t want to invade their space. It was okay, he was good at waiting.

After the visit they headed to an old cabin in the woods, abandoned, destroyed, pieces of its ceiling missing. Jonathan said Supergirl used to live there with her dad, the dead cop, and while they all reconnected and cleaned up the place, Argyle found those mushrooms that he didn’t use.

Didn’t even have the time to, because suddenly it was snowing ashes and he found his friends and his friend’s family — including his mom and a tall, skinny, bald guy, where did they come from? — looking over the city from the hill and the open field, and the flowers were dead and there was smoke coming from the place where all the portals met downtown.

Too much happening at the same time, and suddenly Jonathan was grabbing Argyle’s wrist and pulling him back to the van, “let’s go get the others, oh and by the way the tall, skinny, bald guy is the dead cop, oh and by the way my mom went to the Soviet Union to rescue him, oh and by the way the world is ending.”

[darkmasterofcupcakes]

Best friend, I had... A Blorbo Thought™.

As we all know, Tony has the power to age things, and it works on everything besides other Concepts. And it's a headcanon of mine that Concepts lose control of their abilities when they're in highly distressing situations.

Now, imagine Tony being the winner of their last game. It's been hours, and Paige hasn't shown up yet. He looks in every room of the house, but she's not there. He goes back to the spot in the woods where he left her, but her body's gone.

He starts to worry, and that worry soon turns into anxiety, and the trio soon finds him huddled up in a corner of the living room, with the floorboards rotting under him and potted plants quickly wilting away.

When half the furniture in the house has already turned to dust, the light fixtures are gradually burning out and Tony's heart is about to explode, Paige happily walks in, chattering away about wrestling herself out of a body bag and something about the cops before she notices what happened to the house and to her partner.

You know, I both love and affectionately hate your brain because amazing things like this are why I keep getting ideas for stories to write about our blorbos despite already having plenty of ideas already swimming in my brain. But this is just so perfect I have to love it.

It just makes my heart burst with the idea that Tony (who is the one who killed her and dumped her body in the first place, mind you) is just so worried about her when she’s gone missing that he actually loses control of his powers. And it shows how much he’s concerned because you know Tony is someone who prides himself on usually having very good control over his emotions, or at the very least, usually having near perfect control of his abilities. But the idea that something serious might have happened to Paige just makes him completely lose it.

But then there’s also the slight humor of imagining the trio encountering him like that and being some weird combination of confused, scared, and concerned, as well as likely wondering if they should try and help him, or just try and stay away in case he accidentally ends up aging/rotting them alive in his stress-induced loss of control. Plus the whole scenario with Paige just coming back like nothing happen makes me think about that one gif/meme of the guy coming into the room with pizza and just seeing complete and total chaos erupting in front of him. 

On a more serious note, I also can imagine this leads to an unspoken agreement that from this day on, whenever they dump each other’s bodies away from the house, they keep an eye on the spot until they revive, just to ensure there’s no issues with the police and make sure there’s no repeats of that particular day’s events. 

[freevoidman]

okay as a kh fan I'm gonna RB this with my thought process here since the poll is literally about to close so y'all can't use this to cheat:

The main character kills himself on screen

This is true! Happens near the end of KH1 and it's one of the most infamous and shocking scenes of that game lmao. Also, remember for context here that Disney was WAY more lax with their guidelines in KH1 then they are CURRENTLY with how the general Disney IPs are used, but even now SE can typically get away with sacrifices and character deaths with non-disney characters pretty regularly.

2. A character beats the shit out of a normal house cat

Yes. Ventus beats the shit out of the house cat from Cinderella while he is the size of a mouse. It is also never explained why or how Ventus got so small, but that seems trivial in comparison.

3. Goofy dies

This one is a bit of a technicality here bc the wording is weird. And you wanna know the best part? Depends on the game.

In KH2 there's essentially a "fake out" scene where Goofy appears to die and Micky, Donald and Sora go on a rampage. However, in KH3, Goofy DOES die, but Sora is, again, able to bring him back. Either way, Goofy does die one way or another in some sense.

4. A man clones a guy just cause he's there

I'm going to go 'no' for this one. See this is the only one that's too vague for me to know for sure. Almost every clone made in the game's series serves SOME purpose, but again, there's a lot of characters and without a definitive name here I'm not certain who this is to narrow it down.

5. For one game people can "smell" darkness and it is never mentioned again

Yes and, honestly? It's LESS than one game. I think this is literally only mentioned in Re:Chain of Memories in Riku's story, which you can only access after beating the game once as Sora. It's honestly meme worthy if you watch the cutscenes out of context

6. A major game mechanic once was befriending dead kids who are now cute animals

Yep! Trust me, when the fandom figured out the origin of Dream Eaters it threw us ALL for a loop and made a whole bunch of people sad!

7. It is implied the main character's parents died during the first game

See this one I'm unsure about because I don't know how OP is defining "death" here. In the first game, Sora's home world is "consumed by darkness" which might as well be death, but at the end all the worlds and the people who live on them are restored, so... unsure? This one is a wording question more than anything.

8. the conflict is once temporarily solved by throwing a character through a door

Yes! Look up "Yeetus Vanitus" it's one of the funniest scenes in Kingdom Hearts.

9. A character can wield pizza as a weapon

Yep! 358/2 Days has a multiplayer mode nearly every character that's appeared in the series at that point. Each one of these characters has a "joke" weapon option, and Axel's is pair of pizzas. Usually he has big chakrams instead.

10. These are all real actually! you can't fool me!

There are two i'm unsure about so lmao. Also I think OP said early on that at least ONE of these did not happen so, again, the "all of the above" here doesn't quite apply.

And if you do play kh please rb and see what your non-kh followers think-

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

069 of 2023

Are you more of a leader or a follower?

Neither, I’m an oddball.

Do you know anyone with a profession in law?

Yeah, M. is the law student. :P If that counts, because you know. Student is not a worker XD

Have you ever Googled yourself?

Haven’t I? Both my first and last name are really common, though.

Do you have a regular vacation spot, or do you always go somewhere new?

I just travel around my country recently. :P For longer vacation, always to my parents.

Where were you working 10 years ago?

Cleaning toilets as a student.

… 5 years ago?

Electrician in that big, French rail company.

… 1 year ago?

On a sick note, but still on contract in the same company. They don’t want to lose me.

Would you say you’ve had a good life so far?

Yeah right. I have a chronic, incurable neurological disorder and I’ve suffered brain haemorrhage, so yeah, great. But, besides that... I have a job I love, a husband I love and who loves me back, great friends, and enough money to survive. Could be worse, really.

What’s the shortest amount of time you’ve had between relationships?

Like... three months? I’ve realised something, by the way.

As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu?

I’ve never had flu in my life, and my parents tend to say cold is not an illness and I should stop being a sissy. XD

What’s something you wish you could have delivered to your house?

Can’t think of anything particular, I receive packages anyway.

What’s your favorite art style?

I have no idea. Really.

What time period is considered to be your country’s ‘golden age?’

Lol. At least it got almost untouched during the world wars. That’s what happens when you’re nothing but a speed bump.

How many trees are there in your yard?

None. My backyard is, like, two meters wide, if ever.

What are some of your favorite ways to de-stress?

Travel. Currently I get to visit the whole Flanders. :D But also when my cats are purring next to me.

Have you ever done LSD?

No, not interested.

What’s currently on your grocery list?

Potatoes.

Are any of your coworkers currently out on maternity/paternity leave?

Not that I know of.

Would you be able to pinpoint Milwaukee on an unlabeled map?

No, I don’t know shit about the US geography. Why would I anyway.

What is your favorite parody movie?

I don’t watch movies.

What kind of first impression do you hope others have of you?

That I’m friebdly and funny, in good meaning.

Do you have a good sense of balance?

Man, I have a neurological disorder. What are you on about.

What is your least favorite ice cream flavor?

Anything plain.

Does your car have heated seats?

Hell no. It’s a damn Renault Clio. XD

What’s something that has been in your local news lately?

A Dutch guy who has parked his delivery van in front of an airport and then fled with a plane. Such a comedy.

What’s your favorite internet meme?

There are a few. Can’t name anything particular.

What hair length suits you the best?

Short, I guess.

What is the strangest pizza topping you’ve ever eaten?

Pineapple, who has even invented that.

Do you live in a very racially and culturally diverse country?

Kind of. We have lots of immigrants in Belgium.

Can you name any books or movies where all the main characters die?

No, I can’t.

What was the last hotel you stayed at?

Martin’s Hotel in Waterloo, if I remember well.

Do you live alone?

No. I live with my husband, his son and two cats.

[friendlyfaded]

Alright, I’m gonna start making crack ship posts based on the ships I wanted to see requested, because I’m like that, me.

Guy/Asher

Okay I have feelings about this ship and I’m making that everybody’s problem. Based on Guy’s first audio, we get the sense that he delivers to Asher and Babe pretty often. I’d imagine that Asher orders from Max’s all the time, even before meeting Babe. Guy comes to deliver food to this dude’s house at least once a week. Sure, people like pizza and wings, but Asher once ordered delivery three times in one week. Surely no one likes Max’s food that much, right?

Turns out Asher had Ulterior Motives™️. Guy is really cute and always laughs at the little jokes Asher makes when he comes to deliver his food. He isn’t at all put off by Asher’s initial social awkwardness. He just comes across as kind and understanding, and while Asher knows people like retail and food service workers act that way for their job, it always feels genuine from Guy. So, he keeps ordering food.

Guy can’t really make any moves, given he’s literally on the clock, and he’s not supposed to make passes at customers, no matter how interested he is in this goofy dude who keeps ordering food and lighting up every time he shows up at his door. It takes a while, but eventually Asher works up the nerve to leave his number under his signature on the receipt. Guy texts him that night. They go out together the next evening Guy has off.

Their ship dynamic can only be described as clown on clown interaction. They’re both absolutely precious dorks who love to joke around and have fun. They speak through memes and references. It’s become like its own language to them.

While they both tend to be silly goofy dudes, both Asher and Guy are more than capable of being responsible. Guy works at an understaffed pizza place and has been employee of the month several times. If you’ve worked in food service, you know how grueling it can be. Guy can absolutely be responsible. Asher is the beta of a highly important pack. He’s more than proven his ability to buckle down and do what needs to be done. That said, I like to think they take turns being the responsible one.

Guy cooks for Asher. There is no way he only knows how to cook pizza. Max’s sells other stuff, and (at least in my experience working in a fast food kitchen) you learn to make everything over time. Guy’s probably a pretty good cook. Asher is not allowed in the kitchen, except to do dishes.

Ash does his best to be there when Guy gets home from work. It’s like a puppy waiting for their owner to get home, and Guy points this out every time he opens the door to see Asher sitting on the couch, his foot tapping excitedly. He’s always there with warm hugs and sweet words when Guy walks into the house exhausted after a long day. Asher is more than happy to carry his mate to bed when he can’t bring himself to get up. Likewise, Guy is there for Asher when he’s feeling down on himself or particularly sore after a rough security gig. They love taking care of each other.

You know these two are making pillow forts and having video game nights together. They have pillow fort making down to a science. They’ve made schematics. It’s a whole thing. They make a point to have game night every Monday, since they’re both off Monday nights. They spend the whole night eating whatever Guy brought home from work, playing Halo or Destiny together and snuggling the whole time.

Conclusion: they’re in love

[im-a-simp-for-kuroo]

How the Haikyuu boys show they care

pairings: Kuroo, Suna, Bokuto, Oikawa, Daichi and Tendou x gn!reader

warnings: fluff, lot's of it

wc: .88k

authors note: requests are open! lemme know if ya'll liked it!

➢ Kuroo will text you even if you're in the same room. He loves seeing your I'm annoyed-on-the-outside-but-secretly-happy-on-the-inside face whenever you get his message. You guys will literally be in bed when all of a sudden you get a text saying, "Do you want some ramen?" He will laugh like a maniac when you push him off the bed because he wouldn't stop texting you. But, if you're ever feeling sad, Kuroo will hug you while simultaneously sending you a shit-ton of cheesy and happy memes. He low-key won't stop until you crack a smile. Since Kuroo likes to tease you a lot, he'd probably also send you some steamy memes when he's in the mood. If you reject his memes, he will start pouting like Bokuto.

➢ Suna likes to cook your favorite comfort food. This man knows exactly when you're feeling down. He can tell by the way you shuffle your feet or hang your head. So just like any other boyfriend, he buys you your comfort food. Wrong! He cooks it for you instead. You want pizza? You got it. He will literally look up the recipe on his phone and prepare the ingredients. When you ask him what he's doing, he just replies 'nothing.' But he's secretly cooking it for you. When he's done cooking, he'd add a little touch of his own. If he makes you a pizza, he'll draw a little smiley face on it with olives and tomatoes. If he can't cook it because it takes too long, he'll buy it. But before he gives it to you, he'll add a small, cheesy note. He'll write it on a napkin, and when you take it out and confront him about it, there's just denial and more denial.

➢ Bokuto buys you little plushies. Whenever he accidentally misses a date because of practice or forgets your anniversary, he gives you a little owl plushie. It's his way of saying he's sorry and that he knows he messed up. Even if he hasn't forgotten an important date, he'll still give you a plushie when you're feeling down or can't get out of bed. He knows they remind you of him, and he also hides them over the house if a date is coming up or if he's planning to surprise you with a date. If he needs to leave you for an away game, you can bet that instead of a small plushie, he'll get you a big-ass owl pillow. One time, he even gave you a damn owl onesie because you said you felt cold. I swear to god, this is the exact thing he'll buy.

➢ Oikawa does your makeup. Don't hold it against him. He loves seeing your face so beautiful after he's done. When you're tired, he'll automatically do your makeup with you asking him. He gives it his own style and absolutely loves the euphoria theme. His favorite thing to do is probably your eyes. The way they shine and pop after he's applied highlighter and mascara is simply amazing. If you ever come home drunk or crying and your makeup is ruined, he'll gently wipe it away and clean your face. He wouldn't dare let you sleep with makeup on. He claims it gives you bad acne. smh the nerve But Oikawa truly does enjoy doing your makeup because he likes the way that you can relax for once and let him take the reins.

➢ Daichi loves dancing with you. He loves the way you fit perfectly in his arms. It's almost as if his arms were made for you. After a long day of practice, all he wants is to gently sway with you to the tune of As the World Caves In. This man literally has a whole playlist for the times you guys dance. He pretends he doesn't, but you saw his Spotify account. If you ever feel down, Daichi will start playing the songs you guys dance to. One time, you caught him slow-dancing with the broom you guys use to clean. When you asked him about it, he literally got as red as a beet. Since he loves dancing with you so much, he always makes sure to book a date at a restaurant that has a whole floor dedicated to dancing. While he prefers the slow, intimate kind of dancing, he doesn't have a problem with the I'm-so-drunk-I'll-pass-out kind of dancing.

➢ Tendou writes you little notes. We all know that when he was a kid, he was bullied a lot. He never received any affirmation and that still haunts him. He'd never want you to feel that way, so he always leaves little notes hidden inside your laptop, or on the bathroom mirror after you shower. They're all filled with cheesy sayings like, 'Smile, cause it brightens up your face' or 'You look so beautiful.' He'd sometimes also ask you for cuddles or kisses when he doesn't feel like talking. He'd write "Can I have cuddles?" on a post-it note and then shove it in your face, hoping you reply 'yes' to his question. He always makes sure that he gives you at least one sweet note every day because he wants to show you how much you mean to him.

[copias-thrall]

How would Mary goore react to hurting someone he genuinely cares about? I absolutely Love your writing!💕

Hello, nonny! Thank you, I love this ask!

This was going to be  alist, but it got away from me! 😅 

Enjoy 😘 

It wasn’t anything big.

Just a few of Mary’s favorite beers (the craft kind—not the shitty beer he drank on his shoestring budget), some of that chronic shit you’d scored and have been saving for a special occasion, and a VHS box set of horror movie classics.

***

Mary comes in and out of your life at will, and that was something you accepted—knowing he was As Is or not at all. And honestly—no, really—you liked that. You had your own shit going on, and being Mary’s expected caregiver was NOT something you wanted to add to that list.

(If someone else wanted to try to tame him and pick up after him, well…kudos to them. Less work for you.)

Mary showed up on your pivotal days and he rubbed your feet and always invited you out to trivia. You'd held him when he was coming down from a bad trip and listened to his grievances and gave him a place to stay when he was persona non grata at his own. And in a way, that made you always feel like #1 in Mary’s world…and that was good enough for you.

***

A few months ago, Mary had been lying on your couch, picking the label off his beer bottle.

“I’m gonna be away for a bit,” he’d said.

“Oh?” you’d responded as you’d mashed the controls on your gaming controller.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ll be around…but I got some shit going on.”

You’d paused your game.

“Bad shit?”

He’d waved you off.

“Neg. Just tryna get myself out there. Signed up for open mics and shit.”

He’d shifted, his long legs receding from around you and folding under him.

“So, like…I got my job at the bowling alley…but nights and weekends are kinda shot.”

You’d tried not to let the disappointment show on your face. You supported Mary’s dreams, and that meant not making an issue that he was finally trying to do something about them.

This wasn’t against you. It was for him.

When you’d taken too long to respond, his face had scrunched.

“But if you want—”

“It’s fine, Mare,” you’d said as you’d made yourself smile. “This is important to you, so it’s important to me.”

You’d unpaused your game.

“Just don’t expect me to not beat this game without you.”

He’d grabbed the controller out of your hands with a snarl, causing you to cry out when you died.

“Fuck the game.” His hand had fisted your shirt. “Give me a night to remember.”

You had. Twice.

***

Mary had texted you occasionally over the next few weeks—a few memes, a few drunken key-smashes, a dick pic, and 2 grainy videos of his performances for critique—but such contact was sporadic, and you’d never seen him in real-time. 

He’d blown in one night, five weeks in, with a box of pizza just as you'd been heading out to meet your crew. When you’d told him you’d made plans, he’d looked so crestfallen that you’d caved and canceled on them.

While he’d been there, he’d given you a date in 3 weeks.

“That Saturday I have nowhere to be,” he’d said as he’d chewed. “I can spend the whole day with you.”

You’d been careful not to seem too eager.

“Oh yeah? Should I plan shit?”

He’d crammed the whole crust into his mouth and had given you a doughy grin.

“Why ’’ya think I told you?”

You didn’t know what you’d expected, but when he’d had to bounce 90min later, you were still surprised. (That was hardly enough time to digest!)

“Sorry,” he’d winced. “I gotta be on a bus in 45min.”

He’d left, and you’d been too embarrassed to join your friends who were only just going to the second bar.

Having fun with your man ;) ? one of your friends had texted.

What do you think? You’d texted back before changing into your pjs and turning on Netflix.

***

So maybe you were low-key excited about your day with Mary.

Perhaps you’d spent those 3 weeks figuring out the perfect date—something that said, “I missed you,” without saying “But in a clingy way.”

Beer and horror were two things the both of you were totally into, and you knew he’d be exhausted, so it seemed perfect. You’d bought the boxed set off of eBay and splurged for expedited shipping; you’d borrowed your brother’s old dual TV/VCR from his college days; and you’d forgone your weekly Chinese takeout for the craft beer funds. (And if things got steamy, well…even better.) 

***

A few days before The Date, you’d run into Mary on the bus. You were coming home from a shift, and he was going to his.

He’d brightened and waved you over—as if you weren’t already on your way—and you’d plopped down beside him with a tired grin. You’d told him of the latest entitled asshole, and he’d showed you another clip of him on guitar.

Before your stop had come up, you’d tentatively placed your hand over his.

“We still on for Saturday?”

He’d blinked at you a few moments before grinning.

“Yeah.”

“Should I plan a whole day for us, then?”

His arm had crept around your shoulders before pulling you into him to kiss your temple.

“Yeah, why not.”

***

That morning, you wake up happy. 

Mary will be over soon.

You roll over and grab your phone.

When should I expect you? :-* 

It takes him an hour to respond. You aren’t surprised—Mary isn’t known for being a morning person—so when your phone dings, you grab it up excitedly.

An excitement that dies when you read his text. And reread. And re-reread.

not 2day 

goin upste 2 show 

You blink.

What show? Didn’t we confirm? 

yeah. got me thinkin 

why no show? 

so i chked 

i missed one 

gotta do it 

Rage blooms hot, then cold behind your eyes and down your cheeks.

But you said we had the whole day. I made plans. 

save em 

ths is impt 2 me 

We’ve had this planned for weeks. 

i thot u suprted me 

on a bus cnt tlk 

You send a few more irate texts, but he doesn’t respond, and you toss your phone across the room with a shout of frustration. You scrub the hot tears from your eyes before they can fall.

And…on paper, Mary isn’t wrong. Nothing you had planned won’t keep: movies, beer, takeout.

But…

It gives you a stark look at what you mean to Mary. He gave you this date and confirmed it. He knew you were making plans.

How long was he going to wait to tell you he wasn’t even in the city anymore?

You fight the urge to kick the VHS tapes across the floor, but you open the fridge and grab a beer. If Queen Elizabeth could have beer for breakfast, then it was good enough for you.

Once you’ve downed all eight, you move on to the jug of vodka you keep for cleaning.

When you empty only liquid from your stomach into the toilet, you grab your frozen fries out of the freezer. You roll a handful of the cold ones in your mouth as you wait for the others to crisp in the oven, and once you’ve consumed the cooked ones, you go right back to the vodka.

***

Opening your eyes the next morning is a mistake, so you take a few deep breaths and go back to sleep.

When you wake again, your heart is fluttering, your stomach turns, and it feels like there’s an ice pick behind one eye. Shuffling slowly, you make your way out to your kitchen where you take some painkillers, drink some pickle juice, and eat two slices of plain bread.

The sense that you did something awful stays with you, but you’re in no condition to find your phone and see what you’ve done. Instead, you go back to bed. It takes more deep breathing to settle yourself, but once you do fall asleep, you’re out for hours.

You don’t feel amazing when you swim to consciousness again, but you feel at least like a human being. 

Your phone is dead when you find it under the sink, and waiting the 5 or so minutes for it to charge feels like waiting to face the executioner.

It’s both better and worse than you expected.

You breathe a sigh of relief to see that there are no vague social media posts, and you didn’t drunk dial any of your friends, but…

The texts to and from Mary are ugly.

Apparently, you’d managed not to send him angry texts until he’d sent you another clip of his performing. But then the floodgates had opened.

You’d started with telling him you didn’t give a shit about the show, how he was an inconsiderate ass, and then you'd devolved into incomprehensible, typo-ridden texts that accused him of using you, that you were only something to do when he didn’t have anything better to do, that he was an entitled man-child and if he didn’t apologize, you were done.

Mary’s texts in response range from him being angry at your disregard, to heated retorts you were blowing this out of proportion (and he didn’t appreciate your “ad hominem” attacks), to a cool detachment that this wasn’t working over text and he’d finish this in person.

You put your head in your hands but are too dehydrated to cry.

***

Mary doesn’t text you again during his self-imposed time frame.

You don’t text him either, but that’s more out of self-preservation than pride. There’s no point exacerbating the situation…and you’re pretty sure there’s no coming back from this, so why speed up the inevitable?

The horror tapes taunt you every time you walk by them, and you wonder if you can return them (you can’t). You give the TV back to your brother, and when he asks you how it went, you plaster a smile on your face and say, “Great!” with forced enthusiasm you hope comes across as genuine.

The primo weed goes over to your friend’s house, and the two of you wax poetic all night about existential claptrap as you devour two cheese pizzas and a bag of bbq chips. You talk about Mary without talking about Mary, and you get a heartfelt, “Sorry, dude.”

You beat the video game anyway, but it’s mostly because you needed something to occupy your mind and less out of spite (though that’s there as well).

***

Despite waiting on tenterhooks to hear anything from Mary, you truly don’t really expect to. You know you’d been atrocious, even if it had been prompted by his careless disregard, and you know Mary isn’t really the kind of guy that troubles himself with relationships that are hard.

Not that you’re in a relationship.

So when there’s a knock on your door a week later and Mary’s behind it, you’re genuinely surprised.

You gape through the peephole in shock.

“Fuck. If you’re there, just let me in, ok?”

Fumbling with the chain, you unlock the door and crack it open.

“Mary?”

“You gonna let me in?” he rasps.

You shrug and step away from the door, and he shuffles inside. He looks around like you’ve changed anything (you haven’t), before turning around to face you.

You close the door and stare back.

He folds his arms. “Breaking up with someone over text is tacky.”

What you think is, So you’ve come to do it in person, but what you say is, “Can’t break up if you’re not together.”

He winces and runs his fingers through his hair. 

“Yeah…apparently I’ve ‘taken advantage' of you.”

This…isn’t what you’re expecting.

“I…what?”

“Can we sit down?”

You nod, and Mary sits rigidly on the edge of your couch. You curl up in the chair on the opposite side.

He rubs his palms down his greasy jeans before he speaks.

“I mean…you pissed me off, ok?”

You nod.

“But, like—you weren’t wrong, ok? I kinda knew that deep down, but I’m a dumbass, you know?”

You don’t nod.

“And I kinda bitched about the whole thing…but the resounding response was that I was the asshole.”

He angles his body toward you.

“I guess I’ve kinda been treating you like my best friend that I fuck sometimes.”

Your entire face flushes—you’d always thought you’d maybe ranked a little higher than that—and you duck your head so he can’t see the tears that you blink back.

There’s a swish of fabric, and you startle hard when Mary’s hand is at your chin. He jerks back with a Sorry.

“Shit—that’s not what I…” he blows out a breath and puts his hands behind his head before looking back up at you.

“But you aren’t, and…fuck this is harder than I thought.”

So this is it.

Waiting for him to do the deed is clearly going to be excruciating, so you take charge of this whole shit-show.

“I understand,” you say flatly.

“You do?”

“It’s ok, Mare-Mary. It’s my own fault for reading too much into it. I just…I saw what I wanted to see, I guess. I know you don’t need…” you look down into your lap, “…my shit in your life.

He makes a noise low in his throat, and then he’s squatting in front of you, his hot hands planting on your knees.

“But I want your shit in my life.”

You squint your eyes at him.

“But what I said…”

He grasps your hands in his.

“Pissed me off, yeah…cuz I wasn’t fucking thinking, ok? You’re like one of the only people who gives a crap about what’s important to me. And all I could see was you suddenly…not.”

Anger wells up in you again, and you yank away your hands.

“Weeks, Mary…weeks of you all over the tri-state area, and you thought I didn’t care because of one night?! A night you promised to me?”

He sits back on his heels. “I know…fuck. Ok? At the time, it just felt…like the show couldn’t be rescheduled. Our night could.”

Because you’re what he does when he’s bored.

You curl in on yourself.

“Shit.” He leans forward again. “Fuck, I’m sorry, ok? I’m fucking on my knees here.”

You blink at him. 

What? 

“Please, please don’t break—say we’re done.”

“What?”

“Look, we can go into my shitty fucking psychological profile on why I fuck around later…but right now I need you to know that I knew it was you before I fucking knew it was you.”

You uncurl.

“That…’what’ was me?”

He knees forward and presses your hands to his face.

“The one I wanna spend my free time with. The one whose opinion means the most. The one who was the first person I wanted to share all my good shit with. You’re the one I missed, and—after that awful fucking night—everything felt pointless because I knew I couldn’t come over and jam about it.”

“Mare—what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m a fucking dumbass. I’m saying I thought I was pissed at you, but I was pissed at myself for fucking it up.” He sighs. “I’m saying no fucking one was on my side and they all told me to get my shit together.”

He looks up at you with wide eyes, and for the first time, you can see how they’re outlined in red, his subtle crow’s feet more pronounced.

“So, you’re not done with me? I’m not…too much trouble?”

He shakes his head in disbelief. “What? Shit, no. I’m asking you to not be done with me. I’ll give you all the nights you want. Fucking text me, and my ass’ll be here posthaste.” He shifts up, and his thumb ghosts over your lips. “Anything to get you to give me that secret smile again.”

“Secret smile?” you ask while trying to perform the action.

Mary actually blushes.

“Uh…yeah. You get this…” he makes a motion across his face, “…when you’re giving it back to me.” His fingers shove back through his hair as he casts his eyes down. “You don’t give it to anyone else.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I’ve made a study of it.”

You’re a swirl of emotions. Mary’s apologized—has admitted he was wrong and has asked for…more—but you’re still hurt. And embarrassed.

But he’s looking up at you with wet, hopeful eyes.

“Do you…” you start carefully, “…do you know why I got so mad?”

That statement was clearly not what he was expecting, and he blinks at you a few times before nodding and looking down at the floor.

“I made a…uh, commitment…to you. And I treated it like it didn’t mean anything.”

He gives you a look like, Did I get it right? and that’s close enough—even if he’s missing some of the nuance.

You nod. “And I know I…wasn’t…the best.”

His face contorts, and your heart sinks.

“You…” he shakes his head. “You said some awful things…some hurtful shit—and it really got in my head.”

Mary gives you a complicated look.

“Shit that you’d been pissed about for a while.” He traces your knee. “Shit you could’ve said to me…but shit I should have noticed. Fuck.” He presses his forehead into your knees, and you can’t stop yourself from sinking your fingers into his hair.

He takes it as encouragement and presses into you before looking up again.

“I just kinda wanna put that whole night behind us. It feels like a fucking ouroboros of fault. And like maybe I created it. But let’s agree to like…not do that again.”

You look down at him, and his eyes search your face.

“Ok…but what does all this mean, Mare? I can’t…I need to be something to you, ok? More than just your friend.”

Mary nods emphatically, and he takes your hand and curls his into it.

“No more fuck-ups, and no one else…can we start there?”

He’s saying all the right words, but you’re still trepidatious—you know Mary, and he doesn’t like constraints.

“I…just…how can I believe you?”

He shakes his head like he can’t believe you even have to ask. He rises and awkwardly reaches out to touch your face before drawing his hand back.

“Cuz you’re important to me. I care about you, and I don’t want to lose you. Ever.”

And yeah. Ok.

[buc3t4l0v3r]

Headcanon — the turtles on Twitter

Leo

Almost never uses twitter

Really

He has no idea how to use it

Has forgot his password like 5 times

Doesn't understand most of the memes

Hates fancam

Shitpost? What is this???

Loves the twitter artists

Obviously his youngest brother is one of them

Proud big bro moment

Raph block him and he never find out why he can't see Raph's tweets

Aesthetic stuff in his timeline

His pfp is a hero from a 90s anime

Only uses twitter when he remembers he has one

And that means one time a month

Never tweets anything, only retweets other people's tweets

User is @/leonardohamato

Not so creative

Uses tumblr much more

Only his brothers (except raph) and April follow him

Donnie

Oh twitter

A social media filled with people read to argue with you no matter what topic is being discussed

And Donnie is one of them

Seriously he never shut the fuck up

Always correcting people

Only to be responded with "who? Cares"

"...And that's why I'm right" "who?" "Uh, me--" "cares?"

Angry donnie

Passive aggressive

Writes like 💫 this 💫

Lost 3 accounts after being canceled

But he always come back

H A T E S fancam

He's trying to prove you he's right can you please stop with these fancam??

After a few days the whole twitter knows Donnie hates fancam

The person who annoys him the most is mikey

He tried to ruin mikey's reputation by creating an account exposing him for every mistake he made in his life

But didn't work

He end up just blocking mikey

Okay he unblock him from time to time only for see if he's saying anything about him

Leo told him it's not cool blocking your brother

Raph says nothing

His pfp is probably Sheldon from The big Bang theory or Peridot from Steven Universe

Tweets with sarcasm and dry humor

User @/geniusturtledon_

Uses twitter when he's bored

Has a few followers but tons of haters

Raph

Raph loves baiting people

He'll make an account pretending to be a teen kpop fan only to annoy others

When he's not baiting he's following accounts like "wholesome memes" because he likes cute things

He along with mikey knows every drama

If something polemic happens, raph is 100% following everything until there's no drama at all

So he looks for another one

Likes when people share their animals photos

Or their motorcycles

He adores motorcycles

Of course will praise every single animal he sees on tt

"Omg your puppy is so cute I can't-🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭❤❤❤❤❤"

Very popular among the gamers

He can be a total nerd when it's about comics (or geek?)

Will complain every time he reads a horrendous comic like "I'm not starfire"

Will beat the shit out of you if you call him nerd

Even if he's

Doesn't mind seeing fancams

Enjoy mikey's art the most

His bro is so talented

Tweets about comics, motorcycles and cute pets

Messy timeline, a mix of cute stuff, art and girls selling naked photos

His pfp is probably a kpop idol

User @/thebigred

Is the second one who uses twitter the most

A considerable number of followers, the second one with more followers

Mikey

Ok ok

Allow me to introduce

The king of social media

He's part of the popular twitter accounts group

Obviously posts his art

"Omg a hit tweet"

Loved by everyone

In various occasions people has tried to cancel him for literally anything

He survived

When you enter the comments section he's in there

Almost impossible not see him in any tweet

Fancams everywhere

Knows all the memes

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?😭" "wft mikey"

Tweets everything that comes in his mind, and most of the tweets hit

"Love pizza"

💬2k 🔁34k ❤100k

Has lots of mutuals he considers his friends

Funny guy

Says dumb shit and get new followers

Has a fan account for his favorite cartoons

His pfp changes every month, but the most recent ones was Amity from The Owl House, princess bubblegum from Adventure Time, Mabel and after Bill Cipher from Gravity Falls, Chloe from Miraculous Ladybug and Mavis from Hotel Transylvania

23k followers dude!!!

Tagging blogs I like :)

@foreignbrunette @turtle-babe83 @turtallyawesome @turtlesmakemehappy @the-second-circle-of-shell @teenage-mutant-ninja-freak

[liam-93-productions]

This weekend it’s the UK’s biggest event on the entertainment calendar, with the 74th EE British Academy of Film and Television Awards taking place at the Albert Hall with guests and nominees attending virtually for the first time, thanks to Covid-19. And while the awards promise to be as exciting as possible in these unprecedented times, on Sunday night we will also be treated to another exciting world-first in the form of Liam Payne being beamed into houses up and down the country while performing for the opening of the ceremony.

Yup, if you’ve ever fancied the former One Direction crooner serenading you at the end of your bed, on Sunday you can make your dreams a reality – or augmented reality – as Liam has joined forces with the EE network to create a 3D avatar hologram of himself that can be beamed through the app ‘The Round’ (available on any mobile device) as he performs at the Albert Hall. Super fans can also get to experience the avatar in their homes, or on-the-go, ahead of the performance, if they tune in via the app at 6.45pm, 15 minutes before the hologram joins real Liam on stage to perform.

GLAMOUR caught up with Liam to discuss this sci-fi sounding excitement as well as hear how the past year has treated him. In a wide-ranging chat with the ever-charming Liam, we covered all things from the struggles of lockdown and coping with his mental health to his former bandmates, burgeoning acting career, new music (...).

Is the fact that you're performing at the BAFTAs a sign that your acting career is on the rise?

I've done a lot of auditions, a lot of tapes. The thing about acting somebody told me, it’s very much like: are you right for the part and is the part right for you? I think it takes a lot of talent, luck and judgment going into acting to actually get into a job. I mean, hat's off to anybody who does it because it's a long process. I seem to get through to like the final five or final three people for every role and then not quite get it. Which is frustrating but, you know, that’s how it goes. I've had a fair few auditions and I was lucky enough to get into the final five again for one audition that I got to meet Steven Spielberg [a couple of years ago] on my 25th birthday which was quite amazing. But it's been fairly slow through the pandemic obviously.

And what about music? Have you been writing anything, or even been in the studio?

I'm going to the studio later on today actually, to record something for the first time in a while. Which is quite weird to be traveling back into London to go into work. I've been doing some stuff from home as well, which has been quite interesting. Zoom sessions don't really work out all that well, it's very difficult. I'm sure a lot of musicians will agree. So, it's been kind of hard to work properly during this half of the pandemic. The other first half of the pandemic, I just did these live shows, which was really amazing to play live and do them online, which was kind of strange... It's been difficult in terms of the creative process for me.

The past year has been challenging for absolutely everyone, no matter their circumstances. How has it affected you on a personal and a professional level?

In the first half of it, I was so busy that I didn't really notice it as much, except for having to do a lot of stuff myself without crew and learning to do hair and makeup was kind of a weird experience. But then this second half, I stopped working and I had a full, proper month off [and that was] really hard. And it was all a bit dark for me for a little bit and I'm sure many people experienced it. Just not being able to go anywhere, not be able to do anything. It really, really hit home. And I just found myself sat in the same place day in, day out. And I was like, okay, I really do not know what to do with myself.

You’ve bravely spoken about struggling with your mental health in the past, and you say now that you did go into a bit of a dark place recently, how have you coped with that?

I think it's an ongoing experience. For me, learning to relax has always been quite a hard thing to do because I feel like if I'm not moving forward, then I must be going backwards. And I think that's something that I've always struggled with. So, in a way it's kind of a blessing in disguise, as this has all kind of taught me to relax a little bit more. And to not be so worried about that, like the world is not going to fall over if I don't do something today. So, it's been nice in that respect. But I think for a lot of people it's difficult, and I definitely took for granted how much I miss my family. I'm used to being away from home, I'm used to being abroad and not seeing very much of them. But I'd always see them at a show or at something once a year. And then now that that's all been taken away, it's been a lot to not see my family and realise how much they actually ground me.

So, what have you found helpful or supportive during the past year? Have you turned to anything to get you through these dark times?

Friends that are there for you... [talking to] one of my managers that I'm quite close with. I think a lot of guys struggle to talk about what the hell is going on a lot of the time. And for me and him, actually we're quite heart on our sleeves sort of people, so we talk a lot about different things. But I think if I didn't have that, someone to share that with, I think I would have struggled a hell of a lot more.

Like a mental health mate?

I mean, we literally talk about everything. We're probably too honest with each other! But I think it's important that everybody has that person. I'll be honest, at the start of this, drinking definitely became a lot more of a thing because there just didn't seem to be any boundaries. I wouldn't say I drank too much, I'd say I drank too often. Just through the boredom, I guess. A lot of people were going through that though I think - there was so many funny, great memes about it I saw friends of mine put up. But it can be quite dark at times. I think the only thing that's really helped me through that is just learning to work out again and learning to put boundaries in for myself in terms of what food I'm eating. As a pop star, I think you're always quite weight conscious. My job has always been about having to work out, doing underwear modelling and all that sort of thing, it makes you quite body conscious at times. It was nice to be able to just sit and eat pizza and chocolate, I really enjoyed that. But getting myself back into the habit of working out and then having a cheat day put in place, so that there was more boundaries in line, I think has definitely helped me.

I'm quite fortunate that I don't put a stack of weight on, although I have gone up rather a lot in size over this time. But I think it was more about routine for me than anything. And I always say, having a small victory before you get into bed at night time. Or life just gets depressing. Whether that small victory is making sure you've spoken to a family member, you've worked out, or whether you did learn to do something today, just something small. There's one task that you literally can't be arsed with, you should get done just on the day, so that you feel good about yourself when you get into bed.

That's so important. So, do you almost have a checklist before you go to bed?

I think as long as I make the gym and I've done that bit and I've taken care of my needs, just cooked some nice food. That's mainly it for me, really. And then I feel good about it. (...)

(...)

Moving on to social media, you've obviously got such a massively positive fan base, but how do you cope with the negative side of social media and the impact that can have on your mental health?

I struggled with it for a long time. I argued with people. I was aggressive on their points trying to fight my own side. And I think for some people you are talking to a brick wall, you will not win and there's no point trying. And also, the more you talk about it, the worse it gets. So, I just shut up and put up a lot of the time. I think it's the Queen that says, "never complain or never explain." And that's something I think myself I do live by because it's just like, with some people it gets worse having the argument and trying to explain yourself. But all of it, it's like five minutes of your life for somebody who doesn't know you, it's just a bit pointless.

You have so much intense public scrutiny on you all the time, how do you navigate keeping something back for yourself, and how have you managed to maintain that sense of privacy over the years?

I think this has been one of my biggest struggles this whole time. Because, I'm very much a heart on the sleeve sort of person. I didn't actually realize this for a long time, but I often give a little bit too much away…But it's definitely a difficult one to flick the two people apart. So that you're on stage, you're a certain type of person, and at home you're a certain type of person. That's always something I've really struggled with.

And you've been famous since the age of 16. How did you manage growing up in that sort of public glare?

Never did! [laughs] My friend was [recently] talking about how he’s got a teenage son that he was really struggling with at the moment. And I was thinking, "oh my God, imagine how much people would have struggled having five teenagers, rowdy boys in a band. It must've been terrible, there's no getting through to them!" And for a while, it probably was. I think we all go through that awkward teen phase where you're finding yourself. And most of us, we get to get away with it. And they're funny family photos for later on; here was your emo phase or whatever you went through! And for us, we never got away with being awkward or annoying at points. It was kind of out there for everyone to see; the awful haircuts and we’re talking terrible clothes, it was all out there.

What has your career taught you about the idea of success and the idea of failure?

I think it's taught me lots about how you would measure success. I came from a family that weren't very well off. We didn't have a lot. My dad was in debt actually when I started. So, success for me always meant a monetary thing to start off with. But then as I got older, I realized I don't really buy all that much. I don't really spend a hell of a lot of money. So, it can't be about a money sort of thing. And it's more now become more about happiness and experiences. And the one thing I always say about my job, no matter what, and everybody gets annoyed at their job sometimes, it is what it is. But for me, at least I get to put a smile on someone's face.

Yes, you do! And what has it taught you about failure?

That's a really good question. It’s taught me I think that perseverance will always prevail in that sense. Because it doesn't always go exactly to plan. We were really lucky when we came up, we absolutely skyrocketed. And then, it's been hard to follow that ever since. But you know, measuring a failure as well. What is a failure? And people will look at this and, for us sometimes getting a 100,000,000 streams isn't quite what we aim for, but it's still 100,000,000 streams….you have to kind of get a hold of yourself. Everything is about perspective at the end of the day, isn't it? That was something I struggled with for a long time, because of how well it went [for the band.]

So you had such high expectations for everything?

Yeah. And it's like, time to give that a break really. And Louis from my band has always been quite great to sit with me and talk with me about stuff. And if I'm feeling a certain way. We've been quite good with each other, actually in that respect and helping each other out, which has been nice.

And finally, if you could sit down with the Liam who was starting out in One Direction in 2010, what advice would you have for him?

I think just have more fun and relax a little bit. I think I was a very serious child, one of those man-childs, I was a man in a child's body pretty early on. And I think I would have avoided that stage, to be honest with you. To enter One Direction as that difficult, because it just meant that I got completely a different job to everybody else.

You were the grown up one?

That was it. And it was boring. I should have just larked around and thrown plates out the window and stuff!

More rock and roll?

Well, I mean at the start, and then later on a bit less rock and roll [laughing.]

Well, thank you so much, Liam. And we look forward to seeing your performance on Sunday at the BAFTAs.

I'll see you wherever you want me in your house, I guess.

Liam Payne is performing an exclusive EE BAFTA AR real-time music performance, ahead of his 5G-powered opening show at the 2021 EE BAFTA Film Awards. Download ‘The Round’ app to enjoy the live AR experience through your mobile phone, wherever you are, this Sunday 11th April 2021 at 18:45pm BST.

[supercorpkid]

A week without Lena.

Supercorp, Kara Danvers x Daughter!Reader, Lena Luthor x Daughter!Reader, Alex Danvers x Niece!Reader.

Word count: 1382.

“Uh.” You complain as soon as you walk in the front door. Kara has left her shoes, purse and laptop on the floor and you almost tripped over it. You kick all of it aside, and throw your backpack close to them. “Momma, are you home?”

There’s no answer. You know she’s probably on another Supergirl call. Lena went on a business trip the day before, and you two promised you could go a whole week without her. Now you’re looking around and you don’t know how she believed you guys. It’s day one without her and the house already looks this clutter.

You shoot Kara a text saying she needs to pick up some food on her way back. She texts back “🔥🔥🔥🌬💨🍕👍🏻”. Great, she’ll put out some fire and get pizza.

In the meantime you decide to organize the house. Less than two minutes later you give up. What’s the point, anyway? It’ll be a mess tomorrow, and your mom’s only coming back in a few days.

It doesn’t take too long before Kara flies through the window with some bags and four pizza boxes.

“There’s nothing in here but ice cream, candy bars, cookie dough and canned frosting.” You say looking inside the bags. “Have you ever shopped before?”

“Hey! I thought you would like only eating sweets while your mom is out.” She shoves everything inside the fridge not looking at it, and definitely not organizing them inside. “But if you want, I can go out and buy some kale.”

“Ok, no need to be mean.” You open one pizza box and start eating right away. She helps herself with some slices too. You’ll never get tired of seeing her inhaling the food.

“Should I also make some tater tots?” She asks, picking the package on the fridge. Four boxes of pizza should be enough, but you know she was on some Supergirl call and that means she always comes back home starving.

“’Is that a real question?”

“No.” She says putting them on the fryer. She looks back at you on the other side of the counter. “So, do you want to watch a movie tonight?”

“Can’t. I have a French test tomorrow I haven’t studied for.”

“BOOOO.” Kara puts her hands in front of the mouth to echo the sound and you roll your eyes while laughing.

“Why are you booing me? Thought you would want me to study.”

“Not at the expense of watching a movie with your dear momma.” She eats another three slices while you think about an answer.

“Man, you’re really lonely without mom, aren’t you?” You laugh at her, and she furrows her brows in response.

“BOOOO.” She does it again. “Go ahead, leave me too. I don’t care.”

It’s day four. You’ve basically been living on pizza and sweets. You can’t really blame it on Kara because there was a crisis with an alien, and the past two days she was barely home, which means you were kind of living alone.

Then you come home from school, and you hear a loud noise in the laundry room, so you run there with your super speed.

“Oh my god, what have you done?” You look around and the place is exploding in bubbles and water and your momma is in the middle pressing every button she can see to make it stop.

“Oh Rao, kid. Make it stop.” She asks desperately and you make your way inside to reach the washing machine.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the grown up here?” You ask, pulling the cable out of the plug. Everything stops, but the whole room is still full of soap.

“You be the grown up!” She throws soap at your face and you nearly swallow it. You’re shocked.

“No!” You pick up some bubbles on the floor and throw at her too. “You be the grown up!”

“You know what would be fun?” Kara holds your hands to make you stop. She has the craziest smile on her face. “If we looked into each other’s eyes and wished to be each other at the same time, and we could totally pull a Freaky Friday.”

“Mhm. You just want an excuse to go around acting really immature.” You roll your eyes.

“So?”

“So, we don’t have to pull a Freaky Friday for that, do we?” You say pointing at your situation at that moment and Kara laughs.

“KARA? What’s with all the mess?” You hear Alex's voice coming from the front door and you both get a little desperate.

“Clean it up.” She says almost leaving through the door and you pull her back inside.

“No, it’s your mess. You clean it up.” You complain.

“It was your clothes I was trying to wash.” She says and you both look at the door to see Alex there. She shoots a disappointed look at you both.

“Honestly, I expected more from you.” She sighs turning on her heels. You and Kara both follow her to the kitchen.

“I’m trying my best, but there’s always an emergency and…” Kara starts.

“I didn’t mean you. I obviously meant your daughter, who is much more mature.” Alex puts a casserole on top of the counter. “Kelly made you guys some homemade dinner. We figured you’ve been surviving on pizza and potstickers.”

“Potstickers!” Kara yells. “I knew I was forgetting something.”

“You know, kid, you can always come stay with us these next few days.” Alex looks at you in pity, and you try to hide a laugh.

“I’m ok, aunt Alex.” Kara is pouting behind Alex and you smile. “It’s not that bad, we just had a little incident.”

“Ok, ok.” Alex looks around. The house is a mess, it does not look like just a little incident, but she doesn’t push further. “The offer stands in case you change your mind. And Kara, please, you’re the mom here. Could you, please, just… Just please be the mom. Ok? Just… Please.”

“In my defense we are Freaking Friday right now, so she is actually the mom.” Kara says making you laugh, but that makes Alex roll her eyes.

“Just don’t kill the kid or Lena will kill you, ok?” She turns on her heels and leaves. You look at Kara.

“You clean up the laundry room.”

“You meme the meme room.” It’s her answer and the only thing you can do is laugh again. You end up helping her clean the laundry room, and then the house. It’s not that bad ‘cause you’re using your super speed and flying around the house for the first time and blasting loud music with your momma.

“See.” Kara looks around very proud when you two are finished. “I knew we could do this.” She hugs you sideways. “We’re both very mature young women.”

“Young women?” You laugh. “Really? I mean, how old are you now? 70?”

“I don’t look a day over 35.” She laughs and you agree.

“You’re right. You don’t.”

When Lena comes back from her trip, you and Kara have finally figured out a way to live without destroying the entire house. As for food, you’re still mainly living on tater tots and potstickers, but it’s ok because you know Lena is going to make you eat vegetables as soon as she is back in the kitchen.

“Oh wow, look at this house!” Lena says putting her bags down. You and Kara run to the front door to welcome her. “I’m so very proud of you two.”

“Aw thanks, love. But it was all me.” Kara says running to hug your mom and you roll your eyes.

“Come here, babygirl.” Lena opens her free arm and you hug her too. She kisses your head, then Kara’s mouth. “I’m so glad you guys could do this. I have so many more trips planned.”

“Oh Rao, please no. You can never leave us again!” You say hugging her with a little more strength that you planned.

“Please don’t make me be the responsible adult again.” Kara asks on your side.

“Please don’t make me make her be the responsible adult!” You pout and Lena laughs at your reaction.

“Feels good to be home.”

[come-on-shitty-boys]

//general dating headcannons//

Characters: Daishou Suguru/ Kita Shinsuke/ Yamaguchi Tadashi

Warnings: i don’t think any??

Word Count: 2K (~650 a piece)

Notes: i am soft for kita shinsuke. that is all.

Daishou Suguru

He’s a top tier boyfriend and no one is allowed to tell me otherwise

He is a first-class WEENIE for his s/o and would genuinely do anything for them

But noooo y’all hate him smh

Daishou is the kind of person who puts every important date of your relationship in his phone.  He is never missing your anniversary or your birthday or any other important relationship dates.  

He’s a good morning/good night texter too.  I know that everyone thinks he’s an asshole, but after being broken up with for focusing too much on a club, he doesn’t want you to feel like he only cares about volleyball.  If he’s going to be busy for a few hours, he’s going to tell you so you don’t think he’s just flat out ignoring you

I promise, he will let you do anything to him if you just ask.  Want to try to curl his hair?  Cool, just please don’t burn him.  You want to pluck his eyebrows?  Go ahead.  He doesn’t mind.  Did you see this really cute nail design that you want to try? Suguru already has his hand held out towards you so you can practice.

He’s not telling anyone that he does all of this so willingly though.  He has to maintain some essence of coolness

Literally the whole volleyball team knows that he’s a total simp, so idk who the hell he thinks he’s hiding it from

His love language is quality time, so as long as he’s with you, he’s perfectly content.  Daishou will happily just sit next to you for hours, sending each other memes or stupid tiktoks.

When it comes to actually going out on dates, he’s really simple.  He likes picnics in the park or taking hikes or going stargazing.  It feels very intimate to him and allows a certain degree of vulnerability that can’t be found anywhere else.

You guys went stargazing on your first date and he brought you flowers and the two of you shared snacks it was all very cute and there was no way that you weren’t going to go on a second date with him

Speaking of flowers-

One time you made him mad over something really stupid and he brought you some flowers as a partial apology for him being overdramatic, but the card just said “fuck you” in really pretty lettering, but there was a really small, “but also, I love you” on the other side.

The two of you pick up random hobbies together?  For no other reason than the two of you spend an awful lot of time just sitting at each other's house?  So, you decided to do something other than just sit on your phones for h o u r s

You’ve made those giant arm-knitted blankets together.  One time, you tried to make soap, but it didn’t smell good so that hobby got scrapped.  You’ve tried to learn how to roller skate together, but Daishou almost broke his arm so you thought maybe something less dangerous like puzzles.  But, those got old really fast.

Please for the love of god run your hand over his arms.  He will be putty in your hands.  He loves it so much.

Better yet?  Put your hands on his biceps when he kisses you and he’s a happy boy.  His arms are the feature that he’s most proud of, so knowing that you like them too is a big boost to his ego.

He has two main nicknames for you smh.  When he’s teasing or just being a little shit, he calls you sweetheart.  If he actually wants to be affectionate, Daishou calls you babygirl.

He’ll pull you into his lap and pepper your face in kisses while telling you, “I love you, babygirl, you know that?”

If you call him ‘Sugu’ or just ‘ru’ he may actually die right there.   It just plucks something in his heart that sends him to cloud-9.  

Suguru really is a fantastic boyfriend who just wants you to be happy ;-; He wants you to smile and laugh and be comfortable around him, because he’s here for the long-haul.  When Daishou falls in love, he falls hard

Kita Shinsuke

An absolute sweetheart

He’s going to take care of you so good

Kita for sure walked straight up to you and asked you on a date.  He gave zero fucks.  Nerves?  Kita has never heard of them before. If you reject him, you reject him.  It’s not like it’s the end of the world.

You met his grandmother really early into the relationship because she’s really important to Kita, so he needed to know that she approved of you before fully committing to a relationship with you.

But, I promise, she loves you and now that Kita is finally dating someone, she’s going to pester him about wedding plans once he comes home from your date.  She doesn’t care that this is only the second date.  She wants to see her grandson married.

Kita genuinely loves domestic life?  Please please please come over and cook with him.  If you offer to help him with the dishes, he may propose right there.  Okay not literally but you know what i mean.  Come over on Saturdays for laundry and gardening.

I should mention that dating Kita isn’t always chores and housework, but even when it is, it really doesn’t feel like it?  The two of you joke around, definitely throwing dirt at one another while you’re pulling weeds in the garden or flicking water at him while doing the dishes.  

He’s an “acts of service” kind of person.  Little things like having your favorite snacks in the cabinets for when you come over or turning the heat up before you get there so it’ll be warm because he knows you get gold. You left your math binder at his house once, so he took the time to put all of the loose papers where he knew you would’ve wanted them.

If you’re a person who gets periods, he has pads and extra painkillers stocked in the bathroom cabinet.

Please note that Kita has zero shame in buying you period products.  You need tampons?  Okay.  What size and what brand?  Do you want anything else?  He can get some snacks while he’s at the store too.  You can say no and he’s going to pick up a package of pizza rolls anyway.  He knows you well enough that you’ll say no, but only tell him that you're hungry the minute he gets home.  He’s played this game before.  He knows. 

It makes his grandmother so proud, seeing him love and care so wholeheartedly for another person that isn’t related to him.  She just knows that he’ll make an excellent husband to you one day

She cares about you just as much as he does.  Kita mentioned that you weren’t feeling well once, and she packed up a bunch of leftovers and some tea for him to take over to you, pretty much telling him not to come back until you were feeling well again.

Kita doesn’t beat around the bush, so if he has something he wants to tell you, he’s just going to say it.  Communication is really important to him and he believes that it’s the key to a healthy and happy relationship.

But, because of this, it took him a while to say I love you.  He didn’t want to just say it, you know?  He wanted to genuinely mean it. He believes that that phrase gets tossed around too easily. So, it was a few months before he actually said it, but you knew that he was serious when he did.

He likes to kiss the top of your head.  If you’re tall, he enjoys kisses to your temple just as much.

I 10/10 recommend a Kita.  He would love you wholeheartedly and, don’t tell his grandmother, he really does want to spend the rest of his life with you.

Yamaguchi Tadashi

Another absolute sweetheart of a boyfriend oml

But, I promise that you’re probably going to have to make the first move if you want anything to come from this.  

He’s just so shy and nervous when talking to people that he finds cute ;-;

Although, there is a chance that Tsukishima told him to get over himself and just ask you out.  

“It’s not that big of a deal.  If they say no, you move on.” 

Shut up, Tsukki.

Yamaguchi really likes to hold your hand.  It’s really grounding for him, so if he’s ever starting to get panicked, he’ll reach for your hand.

Before every game, he has to hold your hand and he’ll squeeze it three times before he has to go.  So, if he starts to panic during the game, he has a fresh memory of the feeling of your hand in his.

Yamaguchi lets you wear his jacket during games ;-;  He didn’t even think about it as something to show you off as his, he was just worried that you might get chilly in the stands, so he offered for you to take it.

But, now he’s obsessed with how cute you look with his jacket around your shoulders that he’s letting you hold onto it whenever he gets the opportunity.  

Study dates study dates study dates

The two of you will either go to a cafe or a library and claim a table and just hang out and do homework together.  If you’re struggling with something, he’ll walk you through it.  He moved his chair close to yours so that your knees just barely brushed against one another.  

He loves to bring you little gifts.  If he sees something in a shop that reminds him of you or if he thinks you might like it, he’ll buy it and give it to you the next time he sees you.

He usually doesn’t like nicknames?  He'd rather just be called by his actual name, but something about you calling him ‘dashi’ just feels right and he really likes it.

Tadashi has a lot of insecurities, especially in the start of your relationship with him.  He doesn’t understand why you’re so willing to be with him?? He’s just a bundle of nerves and he’s convinced that you could do so much better than him, but yet you still stay with him?  

It took him a really long time to get comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship and realize that you weren’t going to just dump him because you really got to know him, but when he does get comfortable, it’s like he’s a totally new person.  His nervous laughter actually becomes more full and free and he smiles a lot wider.  He isn’t afraid to tease you and he’s a lot more open about his emotions.

Tsukki is the first one to really notice just how good you are for Yamaguchi.  Tadashi isn’t super open with anyone but him, at least, until you came along and gave Tadashi another person that he could connect with and feel comfortable around.

Tadashi loves it when you play with the hair at the base of his neck.  It feels so comforting and he would love to just fall asleep right there with your fingers in his hair.  Everytime you play with his hair, his head immediately goes to your shoulder and he’ll wrap his arms around your midsection and tell you that he loves you.

You will never go a day without Tadashi telling you that he loves you and that you’re absolutely incredible.  He finds something to compliment you on every single day because he just wants you to know that you’re loved and, while yes, he does find you absolutely beautiful, sometimes it’s nice to be complimented on things other than physical appearance and that’s where Yamaguchi really shines.

{Taglist: @moncymonce @nicka-nell @celosiiaa @lovinnoya  and my fellow daishou suguru simp @kuronekomama​}