#you know like in the way they cannot function without eachother

[rosster]

why do they always look at eachother like that when they know it never ends well !!

[moonspirit]

ok this has nothing to do with vbeow I swear🤣🤣

so like what if armin and annie get into a huge fight right (whatever it may be) but it’s big enough for them to start giving each other the silent treatment, facing away from eachother in bed etc.

See while armin is taking time to cool down in the coming days, Annie does not bc that woman is a grudge holder! She will hold grudges to the grave if she could!!! (Ex see when she’s probing armin about how he captured her and instigating in the middle of battle bahaha )

she’s even so mad…. that she’s not even horni (GASP)!!!

but you know who is… 😏😏😏 Mr Arlert ,himself !

it’s not intentional in the way of like “oh let’s have sex so we can makeup”, it started gradually as the days passed and her silent treatment hadn’t let up at all like his had. With Annie being even more frigid than usual, all he can do is watch her and THATS precisely what started horni.

Because while she sits combing her hair for the night, he can’t help how his eyes all but follow the fallen strap of her nightgown that slides off her shoulder bit by bit. Just resting on her tricep as the fabric almost teases him of showing him the holy land but never fully slipping off. Or when she’s serving him coffee (begrudgingly) in his office and he catches a whiff of her perfume that he hasn’t had the pleasure of smelling in days. Or when she’s brushed up beside him, her warm chest pressed against his arm bc there’s not enough room for all the ambassadors to go down the elevator comfortably . Or when she reaches for a pen after a meeting when everyone’s gone and it’s just the two of them, she’s stretching out to the other side of the table, arching her back to just reach it because she’s lazy to walk to the other side and he’s just losing it !!!! Etc etc!!

She’s not even aware she’s doing any of this btw she’s just mad af the whole time 😭

so like one day they just come home and he just “I’m sorry I was wrong, please sit on my face!” Lmao

......... I think.... we underestimate the potential of Horny!Armin in this fandom xD

Honestly tho, Aruani are each other's Vitamins C and D and going too long without either is DANGEROUS to their health. Neither of them functions normally beyond a certain point! Each just becomes sadder and angrier and moodier and desperaterererer until drastic measures have to be taken to ensure their survival of these two rare species 🥲

That said... I wonder exactly what Armin did to make her so mad she doesn't even get horni. BOY, just HOW BAD DID YOU FUCK UP?????!!!!

I think post-canon Armin gets quite used to the frequency of Annie's touch (because of how horni she is ofc) that... being actively deprived of it would actually do quite some serious damage to him XD Suddenly she's being a tease with the way she pulls on her clothes without even intending to!!! Her neck is too clean - there's been no hickeys on them for a week!!! She isn't doing his ties! She isn't combing through his hair! He hasn't pulled down the zipper of her skirt in three days??!!!

MALNUTRITION!

Though Annie is also just effortlessly sexy like that and he cannot find the patience or decency to be a gentleman for too long.

... But most importantly... he is one hell of a SAD gentleman 🥲

So the moment he gets the chance, he's kneeling before her like she's god and going:

“I’m sorry I was wrong, please sit on my face!”

[incorrectinfinity]

Ok so hi I wrote an analysis for chapter 181 because my brain is rotted even without tumblr so here that is if you want to read it.

Tw for abuse and SA bc this last chapter was rough

Alright I'm writing this out on Oct 22 but by the time I'm posting this will probably be old news so apologies for that

1. Asa

The first expression shot we get of her says it all really. My homegirl is in denial.

Let's get some perspective here: up until a few chapters ago (I'll say it started at 167 aka Super Smooch aka THAT ONE CHAPTER. YOU KNOW THE ONE.) Asa and Yoru functioned as a well oiled machine, I made a post explaining this partially earlier but Asa and Yoru only really have eachother to rely upon at that point. It came to a point where they could easily swap in and out without being thrown off whatsoever, there was tangibly a growth and a difference made in their interactions. And then... well.

..yeah.

Ever since that point their relationship and in particular Asa's understanding of Yoru has been completely and utterly shattered. And yet... she hasn't said anything.

I just want a quick reminder for some of you: chronologically chapter 164 takes place in the same 24 hour period as 181.

Asa has had her world rocked in a single day, Yoru continuously and unapologetically using, manipulating, and framing her and her body constantly throughout that period to steal, assault, and kill. This has all happened really fast. Her expression in the first panel, that erratic and almost manic smile and her denial of the danger this threat poses truly signals her mental state right now.

She has to be able to do something about her situation right now lest she begins to fully realize the harm Yoru has done to her, Denji, and the world at large. She refuses to address it but you can tell how much it has been affecting her: from her snapping at Yoru easily, or her consistently fluctuating expressions, to her hyperfocusing on finding a way out to the point where she leaves Denji alone and unconscious. She does not want to address what has happened, and that is precisely why she is here - because she has to.

~

2. Denji

This poor fucking kid, man.

The breakdown was a long time coming ever since the "I wanna die" thought process from chapter 169 (which was before Nayuta, just as a reminder).

The fact that he blames himself is all too familiar, it hails back to Makima opening the door. He tried to live a normal life and this is what happened, so it must've been all his fault, just like Yoshida said. Because he always acts on impulse, because he always chooses his emotions over reason, because he always thinks with his dick. In his mind this has to be his retribution, that is the logic formed by those who have manipulated him.

His relationship with Asa (and Yoru) must be so fucking confusing.

If Asa and/or Yoru don't tell him the full truth of their nature soon I can only imagine what will happen next.

~

3. Yoru (& partially Denji still)

My favorite.

Yeah she's still my character. Yaaay 🎉🎊🎉🎊 I hope she fucking explodes 🎊🎉🎊🎉

First off, her seeing if she could kill herself.

Yoru has zero respect for Asa at all. Yeah, no you cannot convince me otherwise. Asa's body is a tool and Asa herself is a contract, that's it. Yoru needed Asa to be alive and cooperative so they built a mutual trust for one another, but Yoru is still a devil. She doesn't care about Asa, she cares about what Asa can do for her. At this point, Asa's usefulness is running out as she becomes more and more afraid of Yoru. Yoru can read her thoughts, at this point she knows what to say and do in order to make Asa tick, but she also knows that Asa is now aware of how monstrous she truly is. If Yoru killing Asa and herself worked it would be incredibly inconvenient at worst, but devils can come back, humans cannot.

Now Denji.

STAY AWAY FROM HIM YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways so Yoru first interacts with Denji this chapter by verbally and a physically abusing him. I hate her. But I want to focus on the ending, as most people are. First off:

This. Yoru had so recently gotten some of her power back, a force so strong that it could come from New York City to Tokyo in mere moments and blow an entire city block into oblivion. Now she is powerless to such an extent to where she can't even threaten a teenage boy into submission. She has lost everything.

(Just also as a side note relating to Denji: his refusal to fight back in this moment is very much because of his belief that he deserves this. The abuse is apart of his "punishment")

War itself is not just violence, it's showing dominance over an opponent. Yoru in this moment cannot show dominance through violence so she is stuck, that's why she looks so distressed. Next:

The first panel Yoru is raising her arm in attack, but she isn't doing it with much force behind it. This is a realization of how she has lost her physical sway in this situation.

The next panel is her second attempt at dominance. If she cannot beat submission out of him she will take it another way, through forced intimacy. She has done this numerous times in various ways (mostly to Denji but she also did try to do it in chapter 99 when asking Yoshida to be her boyfriend), romantic and sexual relationships are ways she owns someone.

Denji's expression in that panel is really telling.

1. His desire for and shock from sudden intimacy is completely gone, he accepts whatever happens to him now. He thinks he deserves the worst.

2. His non-reaction means that Yoru cannot show dominance. She no longer has any sort of power over him now. She truly and utterly is stuck in that regard.

This chapter was an amazing set up for more characterization. These three are an absolute mess and I hope that Denji and Asa will be able to actually talk to eachother because they have not done that since 166. They have a lot to discuss.

I am brainrotting over this shit so fucking hard fam idk what to do it's so good 😭

~

Here's a link to my other Asa & Yoru analysis post for context

~

Side points I thought up after writing this:

Yoru kissing Denji could mean a lot of things beyond what I said.

1. It could be for Yoru's pleasure. Back in 168 Yoru specifically said that she kissed Denji because it felt good, this could be unreliable though as I do not trust Yoru to be telling the full truth to Denji in this moment.

2. (Relating to post linked above) Yoru using Denji could also be an act of her giving and then having things be taken from Asa. This is actually a very intriguing idea for me because when it comes to Yuko and Yoshida Yoru had absolutely nothing to do with those two and their actions, but she does with Denji. Denji being taken away from Asa's life would affect her. Her top priority of these last (almost) 30 chapters until Age was saving Denji. What will happen if someone using her own body is the one who breaks him.

I want to go into more detail when it comes to what I said about Yoru and Asa's effortless swapping that this point. Earlier in the part it was made pretty clear who was in control and when, it was mostly Asa in control with Yoru as a hallucination. Now things are changing as Yoru continues to show her true colors. In the beginning of the chapter Asa seems to be in control, but Yoru takes over her body. Now I may just be misunderstanding but that swap confused me at first as it wasn't made clear who was in control at that moment until Yoru interacts physically with things around her.

This isn't really a usually thing I was confused about, so I find it interesting. Yoru and Asa, despite their outward differences being shown loud and clear these last chapters, are becoming closer and closer to being one.

It's not just with control over the body, it's the body's appearance itself. For the majority of the part Asa and Yoru's designs were differentiated by two things: Yoru's scars and Asa's twin tails. Asa's physical hair has been down since chapter 175. In chapter 176 she claims Gun and Tank as her arms. Yoru is making physical differences to Asa's body. In a sense their visual designs are becoming more and more alike. This is so concerning and I love it.

I'm just going to say it outright: I am beginning to prepare myself for if Asa dies and/or looses herself completely.

Ok have fun with those little thought nuggets bye.

[kosmic-arts]

The Great BBS Headcanon Text Dump

i have a bunch of bbs character headcanons id like to get out my system. im going to start with eraqus because i think he's boring asf. (plot twist: theyre all boring asf) anyway, wouldn't it be cool if eraqus' intentions and motivations were more obviously grey from the getgo? he loves his kids sure, but he just doesn't make for a good father. his priorities don't lie with them, but rather how best he can mold them into effective soldiers. eraqus hasn't really moved on from the first keyblade war, and has kind of occupied himself with trying to restore the old keyblade order, and figuratively go back in time. i think it would be more entertaining if there was more friction between eraqus and terra from the start. terra is also boring asf, and i want to rewrite him. i imagine him as being more of an openminded guy by default. he likes to question things and doesn't always do what he's told. he likes to know the whys and whatfors, and if it doesn't makes sense, he's going to argue. terra doesn't really plan things out, and is a lot better at just improvising solutions. he just kind of goes with the flow(haha do you get it). i like to imagine that terra out of everyone would vouch the most for ven to be allowed to go on missions with him and aqua, rather than being cooped up at home. i think terra and eraqus would butt heads on this a lot, and terra would eventually start to see through eraqus' reasoning and become a bit more aware that he and his friends are more tools than children to eraqus. i think it would be cute if terra maybe promises to take ven with him to search for more keyblade wielders after he becomes a master. even if eraqus objects, once they hold the same rank and title, eraqus will have no choice but to listen to him. terra wants ven to see the stars and get to make friends, and even if ven isn't as strong as the rest of them, he'll always protect him! on the flip side- aqua. if it weren't for all the drama she goes though, you too would realize just how stiff and boring she actually is. i want to rewrite her, she has so much potential.... aqua is a know-it-all? smart, powerful, follows orders without question; the model soldier, and eraqus doesn't do a good job of hiding his favoritism towards her. although they're mature enough to handle the connotations, it does create a bit of a rift between aqua and terra. aqua is super protective over ven- she babies him, but is unknowingly stunting his growth even further because she can't bear to let him out of her sight. it's something terra and aqua argue about a lot, as terra is more inclined to let ven learn and get hurt and actually do things on his own, while aqua wants to protect him from everything. in opposition to terra, i like to think aqua is an excellent planner- always 20 steps ahead and is highly resourceful, but when the plans fall though, aqua cannot handle the subsequent disaster. she finds comfort in rules and order, and really struggles to function off a script. even around strangers, she cannot do smalltalk and genuinely struggles to socialize, especially in large groups. shes a lot more shy than youd think! comparatively, terra is a lot more easygoing. terra and aqua press at eachother a lot, as their ways of thinking are completely at odds. still, they fill in for a lot of their own deficiencies which allows them to both have room for conflict but also still come together, because ofc, theyre the best of siblings and they all want the same thing: become keyblade masters, protect the worlds from darkness, protect eachother- and most of all, ven.

speaking of ven. it took ventus some time to recover from getting his heart cut in half, but he should've sustained lasting consequences. i mean like, a person's heart is basically their soul. kind of a big deal, right?? i like to imagine ven probably had worse stamina, poor health, and maybe even his physical growth was stunted. think of like, an extension of how roxas was towards the end of days when xion was draining his powers. ven probably couldn't train as frequently as terra and aqua, and as such, lagged behind significantly in his progress. eraqus probably tried for a while to see if they could work around ven's condition, but over time would give ventus special lessons maybe to help him strengthen his control over light; being essentially pure of heart, albeit by artificial means, ven has strong light powers by default and i think eraqus would find that invaluable to nurture especially since the prospects of ven ever becoming a master was becoming more and more of an impossibility. by the time terra and aqua were getting ready to essentially graduate, i feel like eraqus would throw in the towl with the keyblade training and have to break the news that ven would never be a keyblade master. wouldn't that be crazy?? i imagine that ven probably put two-and-two together on his own, but has been trying as hard as he can anyway because he's afraid of being left behind and becoming nothing more than a liability to his friends... eraqus would be particularly protective of ven, out of love of course, but also because ven's unique condition and subsequent light powers make him an especially effective as a soldier. ven is essentially doomed to become a princess locked up in a castle, but as much as he keeps asking for a chance to leave, he's gradually starting to lose faith in himself and doesn't really have the courage to leave home anymore. and thats why ventus should've been kidnapped by vanitas in the beginning of the game instead of chasing after terra, and then wandering around like an idiot for his entire 10hr route. wouldn't it have been fun and made the plot more urgent and maybe more parallel to kh1 if the gang were searching for ventus the whole time? rather than ven being analogous to sora, he really should've been representative to kairi. vanitas couldve easily snatched ven at the start of bbs when terra is about to leave, and hell, maybe from the getgo eraqus is like- "it must be xehanort: terra, aqua, if you see him run tf away hes evil because darkness." it wouldve been a much smarter move for the characters to have been made aware of xehanort's evil from the start, because us the players were aware of it from the start. its silly to watch the characters get stringed along for a whole game on a plot twist you already know is going to happen. it also wouldve opened the doors for xehanort to really show how cunning and manipulative he can be if manages to convince the characters to his reasoning, despite them knowing hes bad. it would be even better if xehanort was convincing enough to even get players to at least be like "hm well he has a point 🤔". that would make him a little scarier i think. also. wouldn't it be more interesting if like, terra at first worried when his heart starts to lean towards darkness, actually learns to control it and be more comfortable with it. just. by himself? wouldnt it be more fun and a bit more obvious instead of mildly implied that terra's heart is so much stronger than xehanort expected, and terra just masters his darkness all on his own??? it would be cool. i like xehanort being an evil mastermind, but i want to see him fuck up sometimes?? he severely underestimates terra, and pays the price- losing his entire sense of self when he tries to bodysnatch terra and they effectively tie in their battle against eachother and their hearts merge or whatever to become ansem. xehanort fucked it up! would be cool... anyway. i just wanted to get all my thoughts out my head. istg bbs is so boring and mediocre i drives my brain crazy trying to fill in a blank canvas.

[ohonama]

Oh and then the heart hotel became a family they’re sibling found family your honor and they make me cry >:’)

HEART HOTEL FOUND FAMILY GRAAAAAAAAAAAGUHHH i always make heart hotel hate eachother to some capacity… i think it was me who came up with the idea for ventus to not like fateswap sora that much the same way i did for the abyss call au (which i… will explain at some point. don’t know when. just know he’s silly)

i think he was one of the first sora aus i made… ventus hates sora for different reasons i did write a fic about it at some point so i can copy paste it and forward it to tumblr honestly. but ventus just kinda fights sora lol. in fateswap vanitas and sora in kh3 “plot line” is like. they’re partnered up but neither xion nor roxas exist (kirux, riku’s nobody, does, but he materialises into being in chain of memories, it’ll all become pretty coherent upon reading the doc but he fights his clone (replica wooo)) and the only reason ventus gets back to his body is because sora is present with vanitas because they’d function as a tag team and not as single operating members. but anyway terra and xehanort are kind of heart hotel except i wanna kick fateswap xehanort’s teeth in (and canon’s, too) but terra is like actually okay when it comes to sora because. it’s TERRA. but yeah enough infodumping. will i ever make/co produce an au where the heart hotel is happy and like? okay? only time will tell. i mean technically vessel au is that like plot line but i am NOT getting into that right now because sora is not happy. like. at all. he is just very sleepy. uhhh lost au again they don’t function as a family unit because everyone fucking dies in lost au during keyblade graveyard and yensid saves sora last second and he is like ahah no you cannot abuse the power of waking and magically binds his ability to do so (i will not go into details here) and dumps him on a planet so. shrug.

ff7 (don’t ask) doesn’t have heart hotel, ascended is just fucked up, uhhhhhhh. nope. don’t think i’ve written one where they function as a family unit without one of them hating another one aggressively. my flop era truly. sorry for infodump HAAHAHAH i like making aus i do have a few more on top of this but alas

[ms-all-sunday]

hiiii!!! is the ship ask game still on? if yes is it alright to ask aboutt.. crocodile x robin (yes toxic yes doomed. i do think they respected each other though), uta x usopp and erm...... either crocodile x buggy or buggy x mihawk (i know you mentioned your thoughts on cross guild, but id value your thoughts on those dynamics in particular)

the ship game once again has no stated end and you can ask me questions forever. there doesnt even need to be a game attached.

wanihana - makes sense, doesn't compel me

this is complicated because I feel overwhelmingly neutral on this ship but i do frequently use it as a vent in my robin fanfiction i never post (but i am going to post the robin/nami fic im working on! i promise) for my own experiences with codependency.

that being said i don't think crocodile respected robin, anon. he almost successfully murdered her and frequently if not exclusively undermines her talent and expectations of her because he thought he could get away with it and he almost did only because she was letting him! the fact he treated her in a way that was undermining her only served to further her own perception of herself as someone who did not deserve or want to live.

like it is nice to be compelled by a toxic relationship, and if a toxic relationship wasn't compelling to me to write i wouldn't have previously written this ship as a way to process my own feelings. but crocs a real shithead and nobody has to justify liking or enjoying or finding compelling a toxic relationship ever with any perceived positive qualities. whoever asks you to is a cop.

(it's just a bad attitude to have irl and in fiction, but it's alright i dont hold anything against you this is just how we're asked to talk about stuff like this)

uta/usopp - i cannot have an opinion here as i have not watched flim red. im not really a one piece movie person, im sure youll know my opinion re: uta ships when i do watch it.

buggy/mihawk - compels me, maybe makes sense i think it depends on who you ask. for me i have a very loose definition of what makes sense

i love loser x loser ships. my friend @awitchandawanderer has a buggy/mihawk fic they refuse to finish but it is on my mind near constantly. i love the fact that both of these people have not had sex in a decade probably (buggy gets more pussy/dick than mihawk for sure) and i love dysfunctional idiots in love with eachother. (i think their relationship would probably be very functional without croc in it) and i love the fact shanks' exes are now married. and i love the fact theyre both aesthetic freaks. and i love them.

literally fucking 10/10 if you dont like freak4freak ships leave this blog

[weenwrites]

TFP Optimus Prime, Wheeljack, Ultra Magnus, and Smokescreen W/ a Predacon S/O

Pairing - Romantic Category - Headcanons Trigger Warnings - None

Optimus Prime

He is glad that you saw the error in your ways and decided to join the Autobots!! :D

Sure it took a while for them all to trust you, but you proved yourself out there!! Which was expected in due time…

What he didn’t expect was for him to fall for you.

Like… Wow… He didn’t expect for the two of you to become conjunxes… Wowie…

YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE BEST TO CUDDLE WITH??? Whenever he cuddles with you, you’re always nice and warm!!! Also he gives you the BEST hugs, change my mind, I DARE YOU.

Out in the battle field, you’ve got his back, and he’s got yours.

Megatron just cannot get anywhere near Optimus without you pouncing on him, ready to tear him apart.

While you are a 100% capable of killing Megatron right then and there, Optimus keeps you from killing him, unfortunately.

MEGAN YOU ARE FRAGGING LUCKY-

Ahem…

Outside of the battlefield, you two are SO cute and loving together! Optimus cares about you SO much!!

In private, though!!

You’ve gotta keep up a level of professionalism in front of the other bots, and unfortunately cuddles and huggles don’t count toward maintaining that level of professionalism…

If you can fly, the two of you will definitely go out flying together above the clouds!! If you’re big enough to carry him, then, sure he’ll ride on your back if you’re fine with it!!

If you can breathe fire, Optimus hopes that you’ll use your ability to help fight the cons out in the battlefield.

One day, Optimus wants to show you Cybertron and how it USED to be before the war.

All he can do though, is hope that you’ll both remain functional until then…

The two of you go watch the sunset sometimes, Optimus’ll describe how the sunsets on Cybertron look. They aren’t quite like Earth’s sunsets…

He’ll describe the beautiful swirling hues in the sky, and how Cybertron’s several moons look among all those beautiful colors in the planet’s atmosphere…

Wheeljack

Ah yes.

Why.

J-just why?

A dual sword wielding madman with bombs, and a PREDACON?

YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FOOL!! Don’t you know how much chaos those two together can cause?? Oh well… Your funeral, buddy.

You two are nothing but MENACES to the cons, even the Autobots aren’t safe from your shenanigans.

Unless you actually keep him in line somehow, but for the sake of it, let’s pretend that you’re both just SUUPER chaotic.

He’s a pretty bad influence in my opinon, pretty much everyone agrees.

First Magnus had to deal with Wheeljack’s recklessness and rash behavior, now he has to deal with YOU. Magnus hates it here.

In the beginning of your guys’s relationship, he was still pretty untrusting since you were a former con. Eventually the two of you became pretty good friends and soon, lovers, which absolutely NO ONE expected!!

Wheeljack absolutely LOVES doing stupid things with you! Whether it’s blowing cons up, or getting blown up by accident with you, he’s doing it all with you. If you don’t wanna join in on the chaos, eh, suit yourself.

You’ve got eachother’s backs not only in battle, but whenever!!

Anytime you two are sick of Magnus bothering you both, you’ll just go out and blow stuff up or set things on fire to let out some steam. Or maybe vent all that anger at the Decepticons, which would be more appreciated- Magnus’s words!! Not mine!!

He likes flirting with you until your vents are WHIRRING like crazy- usually he gets most of those flirts from Miko- so while they don’t make a whole bunch of sense at first, they still somehow fluster you.

As much as Magnus absolutely hates how “unprofessional” you two are in front of the other bots, Wheeljack just keeps it up to spite him, and also because he loves you <3

Unless you’re uncomfortable with that, then it’s fine, he’ll stop and respect your boundaries and wishes!!

Wheeljack LOVES hugging and cuddling with you! It’s the BEST.

If you purr while you’re cuddling with him, he’ll tease you non-stop about it!! He’ll keep comparing you with cats and such, because Miko says that they “purr,” too.

If you can fly, Wheeljack will DEFINITELY take you up on any offer you give to go out on a flight. He’s definitely flown with you and dropped bombs on any vehicon troopers from above at least once or twice!

If you can breathe fire, then the chaos increases tenfold!!

Wheeljack doesn’t care if Cybertron’s ever revived or not, all he wants to do is be with you!

Ultra Magnus

Who knew Ultra Magnus would fall for a predacon, huh? Not me, not Optimus, not ANY OF THE AUTOBOTS!! That’s for sure!

But here’s the thing…

No one knows that you and Magnus are a thing. Magnus wants to keep your relationship under raps, the only bot he’ll willingly allow to know is Optimus, no one else!!

If Wheeljack were to find out, he’d never EVER hear the end of it…

So while he’s as stern serious with you as he is with the other Autobots in public, he lets his softer and kinder side show in private.

In private, he’s more open to giving and receiving affection from and to you!

Though, he IS a bit out of practice with giving affection!! So it may take some time until he can give you a hug or cuddle with you without being a bit awkward at first. It may also take him some time to get used to receiving affection, it’s just been a while, that’s all.

Out on the battle field, while he does keep up his level of professionalism and treats you how he treats all the other Autobots, he WILL keep an optic on you at all times.

Whenever you’re in danger, he’ll leap in to save you and help fight off whoever’s giving you a hard time. But, most of the time you can stand your ground pretty well, and instead go in to help him.

He does this with the other bots, yes, but he does this with you more often than he does with them.

If you can fly, Magnus won’t ever ask to be taken out on a flight, so you’ll have to make him that offer instead. To which, he’ll hesitantly accept- he only hesitates because he has QUITE a lot of work to do!!

If you can breathe fire, he’s certainly impressed by how powerful you are! He believes that you’ll make the best use of your ability out in the battlefield to melt vehicon troopers into slag.

Magnus wants to show you Cybertron more than ANYTHING, and he’s willing to do whatever he can to work towards his dream and make it into a reality.

Also- after Magnus’s servo was crushed by Predaking, you were pretty protective over him after that. You even went head to head with Predaking and managed to get him back by injuring one of his wings in return.

Smokescreen

Like Wheeljack, he’s a SUUPER bad influence on you.

But anyway hE’S HYPED TO HAVE SOMEONE AS COOL, AWESOME, AND WONDERFUL AS YOU!! A super cool predacon!!

There are NO words capable of describing how much he loves and cares about you!!

Also he never saw it coming. No one did. Smokescreen just assumes that its destiny that put you two together somehow. ( Cue Arcee rolling her optics… )

He is so loving in public and in private!! Though maybe he keeps affection down a notch in front of the other Autobots, or he’ll receive a never ending lecture on maintaining professionalism by yours truly, Ultra Magnus.

Whenever you guys are sent out on patrol, he’ll most definitely want to be wherever you are no matter what!!

Also whenever you’re both out in the battlefield, expect him to show-off quite a lot in an attempt to impress you and such.

You MAY have to come in and save his aft more than once, but EH, let’s not talk about that…

He does come in and save you from time to time, but it’s pretty rare that you need saving because you can handle yourself just fine!

Smokey TRIES to flirt with you and such, even after you’ve both gotten together, emphasis on “tries.” Most of the flirts he uses on you are from Miko and what SHE suggests he should say to you.

Smokescreen absolutely LOVES cuddling with you!! It just makes him SUUPER happy to receive affection from you, or to be anywhere around you.

If you can fly, he’d love it if you’d take him out on flights!! Of course he’ll hold on SUUPER tight so he doesn’t fall off!! That wouldn’t be any fun now, would it?

If you can breathe fire he’s just in absolute awe of your prowess and power. All he can say is just, “Whoah…”

He’d love to show you Cybertron one day. He’s told you SO much about it, his life back then, all his friends and much more. Even if Cybertron isn’t revived, he’ll be happy as long as he’s with you!

[system-society]

So we were wondering if you have any advice or just information in general about co-fronting? Our system has a pair of alters who we only recently found out are different alters who just co-front with eachother a lot. (They also sometimes struggle to identify their own memories separate of the other.) One them can front on their own without too much struggle. It depends. he tends to be a good bit more messy pre-say? He struggles more with keeping track of what he's actually thinking and such and is very ramblely (and lonely it seems.) And the other tends to be more sad in general when fronting alone, and more stressed and anxious. (Both to a extent where functioning normally is more difficult.)

We're specifically looking for information on why this might happen as they're the only alters in our system and we're wondering if this could ever potentially be a problem? Both of them front fairly frequently. (They're currently our 3rd most common fronter(we don't have a host.))

And thank you!!

(We definitely didn't send this talking about ourselves in 3rd person because we didn't know how to word it)

Hi! It definitely seems like these guys need to front as a team for efficency, which is common and not a bad thing! We have a bunch of groups that all hover near front together, because otherwise it is lonely and depressing for just one.

My best advice is let them cofront! I cannot be 100% but two alters cofronting a lot doesn’t usually have effects, and they seem much happier doing it. If it stresses them, they can figure out moments alone to sort out memories, but it seems they’re much happier together so I would strive to keep it that way.

[twinkiplier]

This is gonna run a little long, but please bear with me as I am really excited to host this raffle. For those only interested in the money, the top prize is a $100 Visa gift card that the grand prize winner will receive the code for privately. Disclaimer: This is NOT an art contest, I will NOT be judging people's art against eachother. This is a RAFFLE, where you draw something and it's given a random number which will be generated at the conclusion of the raffle. You do not have to put your full talent into this drawing, but I would honestly appreciate it if you did because I absolutely love seeing what people create.

Rules: - Play nice, and don't complain if you don't win. It's completely random and says nothing about your art or effort. I appreciate each and every entry regardless of artistic talent or perceived quality. - Digital, traditional, and all other types of artists are all allowed. If you want to do a physical craft, I will pay for you to ship it to me, no questions asked. - There are two prompts, and you can enter the raffle up to two times, one for each prompt. - Each entry MUST follow the basic rules of the prompt, if it doesn't I will contact you immeditely to let you know so that you can edit it and resubmit. If you choose not to resubmit, your entry will not be counted. - The raffle will end on May 1st, 2022, and winners will be drawn the same day. - Usually I do a tier system depending on the amount of entries, but I feel like that makes people walk away from the raffle without entering, so I won't be doing that. Instead, the prizes will scale with the amount of entries. - No gore or NSFW is allowed due to me not being comfortable with Tummy being drawn that way. He also MUST be wearing clothes.

Prompt 1: I have gone to huge lengths to fill Tummy's wardrobe with a lot of of my actual clothing, and would love to see him drawn in something I would wear rather than his default outfit. You can use the functioning wardrobe on his ToyHouse account, but please put effort into the accuracy and quality. - This prompt MUST be fullbody and fully colored. Shading is not necessary, but allowed. Chibi is okay but please don't simplify the clothing, as that is the focus of the art.

Prompt 2: Tummy has two boyfriends, Markus and Hamlet. I absolutely love drawings of them being together and doing something cute or fun. If you want, you can ask me and I'll describe a date or activity my boyfriend and I have done for you to draw, as I would LOVE to see that. There are three different ways you can go about this prompt: - Tummy with Markus OR Hamlet, both fullbody, with background, shading optional. - Tummy with Markus OR Hamlet, both halfbody, with background, shading required. - Tummy with Markus AND Hamlet, all at least halfbody, with background, shading optional.

Prizes: - The grand prize is, of course, a $100 Visa gift card. - 5 runner-ups will each receive $20 via PayPal OR a fullbody drawing/custom if they cannot accept PayPal. - Every non-winning entry will receive a complementary headshot/bust of the character provided in their entry form.

How to Enter: Fill out this form: https://forms.gle/AZNZ6jDSQYtHysMD7 You can fill it out a maximum of two times, one for each prompt!

ToyHouse Information: https://toyhou.se/8158758.tummy https://toyhou.se/5867679.markus https://toyhou.se/9958737.hamlet

[nightswithkookmin]

RE: JUNGKOOK CHANGED IN RUN

Anon:

Why did Jungkook not want to be on Jimin's team in the last run episode? He has changed a lot from before. Thoughts.

My first thought is, you don't gotta interpret everything in a negative light.

Not every strong reaction is a bad reaction.

I'd be a phony ass fraud if I sat here and told you with my two thumbs that I didn't raise a brow at that moment. I did.

Especially when you contrast that episode with run 112 which falls on all fours with this current situation- ok may not all fours.

But in that video, like many others, RM had suggested they form teams based on the sunglasses they wore, just as he had suggested they form teams based on the seating arrangements.

Of course he'd meant it as a Joke just as we discussed in a previous blog post. Personally, I expected they make a draw, rock papers or even dance in circles like they did in the other episode to decide who got who in the competition.

But it seems in all the times he's been paired with JM he's been supper thrilled about it. He even warned the members not to underestimate him and JM when they'd unanimously concluded they were the disadvantaged team in the game- Jin not even bothering to ask them what their scores were on Korean.

He reset the timer to 10 seconds when Jk pointed out he wasn't good at reading fast

When the time stopped and they were asked to make a team of four, he turned to find JM almost immediately as if to make sure JM was part of the four, he held on to his arm to prevent RM from breaking the link.

He was supposed to pair with Yoongi and Jimin with Tae but he didn't even try to find Suga. At least V did try to find Jimin. He moved towards JM and when he realized JK was hugging him he went for Suga.

Throughout the episode he was giving JM tips on how to cheat and shot when he wasn't sure of the answers.

Yet in the last run, he didn't seem as enthusiastic about being paired with JM- or so, he'd have us believe. Smirk.

He ain't slick. Lol.

To me he seemed, on the surface of it, either really salty about the others having Jin or RM on their teams or upon reflection, just plain ass overcompensating for something.

I'd go with the later.

It's similar to how, Jimin got the Sauna card and he'd complained about not liking the Sauna but then swapped cards with Tae so he could be on JM's team.

Or how he'd make a theatrical show of wanting to win a competition but smirk satisfactorily to himself when he loses.

I really don't think it's a big deal.

Personally, I love watching them paired up and doing such activities. It's a great way to see how they work together as partners and as a team.

It's also a great way for them to spend time with eachother, enjoy eachother, nurture their bond and strengthen their relationship.

Fanservice or not, scripted or not, you cannot deny that spending time together doing activities together is good for building a relationship.

They spend a considerable about of time together off cameras but a lot of their time is spent on cameras and at work.

They gotta find a way to make their relationship work on the work as I keep saying. All that 'fanservice' people say they are doing? That's them making it work. They gotta find a way to go on dates, feed eachother, hold each other's hands, tell Jokes, laugh at eachother's jokes, express their attraction for each other, flirt, share eachother's interests and do things couples do without inviting public scrutiny to their every interaction and invasion of their privacy.

So where they see an opportunity they go for it. For JK it's the the little decisions he makes on their behalf like choosing where they will sleep, what activities they can do together, wanting the bigger room, making sure JM wins the presidential suite, or choosing a room detached from the other rooms.

He invests in his relationship the best way he can. Same goes for Jimin.

I keep saying this whole fanservice culture is a win win situation for them- for even any queer idol couple in the same band.

What seem like a challenge could technically be an opportunity for a date for them without dispatch breathing down their necks.

A typical example would be this. Jimin said he wanted to go get Yoga with the others but ended up going with YoonKook on their brewery excursion.

The more time they spend together, on and off cameras the more closer they get and the more they get to know eachother on a deeper level.

But you have to bare in mind, they need their personal spaces too in order for their relationship to function properly.

Jimin used can be very needy in his relationship but for the most part he enjoys his independence too.

Jk has always had a strong sense of independence but he can equally be quote needy and over attached once he is in a relationship- especially when things are going great for him.

Spending time apart, persuing personal goals and interest is good for them.

If it helps, think of moments when they hang around eachother as Jikook dates and when they hang quietly in the background of videos do think of those as them having their me times at work...

Would they miss an opportunity to 'date' or hang privately with eachother? I don't think so.

It's in their dicks interests and the interest of whole production team and crew to allow them to be around eachother as often and as much as they want and can.

I for one, I'm not prepared to sit through yet another excruciating episode of Jungkook wanting Jimin- physically and emotionally. I'm still dealing with the PTSD from the last BonV four episodes.

Y'all buy me Ko-fi please. I don't intend to sit through that shit sober.

If Jk is pushing to be on JM's team and what not it's mostly because he feels he needs to spend more time with him. If he's not pushing for that it just means he or they are both allowing for space and room in their relationship for eachother to pursue other activities and interests or even connect with other members- unless of course they are having relationship problems which I don't think is the case.

Jimin is particularly good at this.

He goes out of his way to nurture his relationship with the others even on set.

He does this especially with Tae.

He'd take Tae to go see places he and JK had already been to, he'd request to take pirate rides with Tae- even though JK is available and won't hesitate to let him know, he often make plans involving Tae or even the others- in Soop when Tae asked him to go ride around the town with him he chose to stay and manspread on Jin and Yoongi. *I'm cackling. Lmho.

Jimin is a funny guy.

Now does this mean he doesn't like spending time with Tae or that he's changed? Hell no.

Hell, Tae does the same thing from time to time too. I mean when he found out he had picked a Sauna card he asked to swap it knowing very well Jimin had picked that card too. Soulmates coulda soulmated that shit in hot piles of steamy.

Sure JK lurks around sometimes. He is the resident intruder stepping on Jimin's other ships' neck. Love him for this. Lol.

Perfect Disney villian.

Tae had to drag his ass away from the kitchen for intruding when he and JM were cooking in the Kitchen. Let's not talk about him physically removing him from JM's car or all the times he's complained about JK raining on his Vmin agenda.

When V wanted to be on a team with JM this man literally sabotaged him, hugging Jimin first. It's his laughter afterwards for me. Lmho.

V needs to insure his Jimin cos at this point it's trademark infringement. Hashtag soulmates. Lololol.

Jk needs to go ahead and free Vmin.

But JM does this too, in much more subtle ways- I'll never forget the look he had on his face when he had to get off the bus and walk home as punishment. It was the most heart breaking thing I ever seen.

Then he had to hang off Hobi to get JK to leave his friends and come to him.

It's why I used an ellipsis the last time I talked about Jimin being very mature now. Old Jimin would have, clapped back, made JK pay for that outburst if he genuinely thought JK meant what he said or believed JK really wanted to be on a team with someone else.

Y'all don't see him when JK compliments other people? He stays kicking his feet under the table🤣🤣🤣🤣

I used to pinch a gurl I liked when other gals talked to her when I was little- In my defense, I didn't even know I liked her or that it was straight up abuse💀

Jimin can be pretty scary and petty when he's mad or offended.

If it helps you sleep at might, think of this moment as just another one of those 'we've been a unit for so long do you wanna be with someone else now' scene from February last year.

Jk answered yes when JM asked him that. But do you really think he meant it?

Jikook is complex, not complicated.

They love eachother.

We can't be looking at their interactions as either or. Grey areas exist and it's not a negative thing.

Signed,

GOLDY

[chibimyumi]

how would you describe ciel’s and sebastian’s relationship? like yes literally it’s contractor and the one who agrees to the contract. but like their day to day relationship with eachother. i dont ship them but i love how they interact with one another but don’t know how to characterize their relationship.

Dear Anon,

O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship is not something I could fit into any inter-human relationship categories. This is because theirs is simply something that seems very unlikely for humans to have in our society. However, that is exactly what makes this master-servant duo interesting.

Most clinically, O!Ciel and Sebastian are indeed master and servant, child and adult. Though surely very rare, child-employers with adult-employees might exist in our world. What makes O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship unique is by no means limited to this ��subversion’ of child-adult dynamic. Let us unpack this master-servant bond category by category, layer by layer.

1. Child vs Adult – Age Dynamic

A unique characteristic of O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship is how they do not behave like any child vs adult would. Sebas treats O!Ciel like a child, but he does not see his master as a child. And by ‘child’, I mean more specifically ‘a less-than-adult’ person. To Sebastian who is centuries old, a human who is 13 is as inexperienced and foolish as a 30 or 60 year old human. Instead, it seems like Sebas treats O!Ciel like a child only because it gets on his master’s nerves and it is entertaining.

We must remember that humans are cattle to Sebas, and that O!Ciel is no exception. For analogy’s sake, let us imagine a pig. Humans usually don’t have a higher regard or respect for adult pigs than they have for piglets. We don’t take adult pigs more seriously than we do piglets.

2. Master vs Servant – Power Dynamic

The most unique part in O!Ciel and Sebas’ relationship is not that a child is the employer of an adult, omnipotent demon. The uniqueness is in the detail that this specific employer has absolute command over Sebastian, and can even use the demon’s powers against him at will. We see in the Werewolf Arc for example, how O!Ciel has practically already broken his end of the contract. Sebastian was in full right to claim his payment for his service and return home. But since the contract was technically not over yet, O!Ciel stopped the demon from exerting his right with just one simple phrase: “it’s an order.”

Sebastian may seem all-powerful, but if O!Ciel wishes to make Sebas do something against his will, O!Ciel merely needs to use the binding magical term “it’s an order”. This binding term is so powerful it can infringe all of Sebastian’s personal autonomy, and it would be ““legal””. What if Sebas doesn’t want to be touched? “It’s an order, let person X touch you and get away without harm.” What if Sebas doesn’t want to expose himself to lethal danger? “It’s an order, do it anyway.”

This is the reason why SebaCiel could never work (even if O!Ciel were an adult!), simply because the power balance is inherently tipped way too much to O!Ciel’s side. A romantic and/or sexual relationship cannot work as long as the power balance is off, and true consent cannot be given on all sides. Consent that can be coerced, or cannot be withdrawn freely, is not true consent, after all.

3. Master vs Servant - Bickering

There is a lot of back-and-forth bickering between O!Ciel and Sebastian, which is very uncharacteristic of employer-employee relationships (No way I’m going to bicker against my boss!) Sometimes the bickering is light-hearted and comical, and I surmise this is part of the reason people might have the illusion that their power-dynamic is not completely off (as described above).

This light-hearted bickering is a great appeal, and it makes the master not behave like a full master, and the servant not like a full servant. On surface their contract bears semblance to a friendly relationship wherein both parties also fulfil their respective roles in this employment. This is a powerful ingredient in their usually fantastic cooperation during their missions! O!Ciel allows Sebas some freedom (when he sees fit), while Sebas returns this ‘kind gesture’ with helpful initiatives (when he sees fit). I dare say that many if not most ‘Kuroshitsuji�� fans are here exactly for this reason. Regardless of how fantastic this cooperation might be however, at core their relationship is still ‘employment’.

On the darker side however, this bickering is also one of the fruits born from insidious manipulation. In this post I discussed how Sebastian stretches his arms and legs as WIDELY as possible within his tiny constraints. To a certain extent, O!Ciel turns a blind eye (pun not intended) to it. Why though?

Of course O!Ciel is not a complete tyrant towards Sebastian, but this is the result that Sebastian managed to fight and win for himself. All the way back in chapter 138 Sebas didn’t even know O!Ciel yet, and yet he already made very clear that:

He should not try to exert too much control over him

That if he does try to do so, he should be careful with words

That if he is not careful, Sebas will take any opportunity to punish him for careless word-choice

In this small incident O!Ciel learned that if his demon misbehaves, he’d have himself to blame. THIS is the silent lesson Sebas instilled into the boy; that if Sebas mistreats O!Ciel, it is not Sebas who crossed boundaries, but that O!Ciel didn’t set the boundaries right. “O!Ciel had it coming”. This lesson taught by Sebas leans dangerously close to – if not downright within – the category of victim-blaming. (Sebas you trashy Trash Demon™, I love you.)

3.1. Circus Arc

So far in the manga, the most obvious example of this victim-blaming dynamic is the incident with the snakes in the Circus Arc. Sebas very clearly reminded O!Ciel that he is not above allowing his master to get hurt semi-mortally. O!Ciel was seething when he found out, and justly so. But did Sebas show any remorse? Of course not. Instead he blamed O!Ciel for:

Not being careful enough with his commands

Being too boring to see the ‘fun’ in this game

3.2. Jack the Ripper Arc

Far more dramatically, this same victim-blaming dynamic can found in the Jack the Ripper Arc, and this one arguably even dictated how O!Ciel is going to become as a person.

In the Ripper Arc Sebas also obeyed O!Ciel’s order to the T. But that’s it; only to the T and nothing more. Because the demon deliberately withheld information from his master necessary for the investigation, more victims fell while the case was still in O!Ciel’s hands. Who gets the blame? Jack the Ripper obviously. But who is made to bear the guilt? O!Ciel is; through the victim-blaming Sebastian made him internalise.

O!Ciel is still O!Ciel, so he probably didn’t really lose any sleep over the deaths of 5 people. But had he not been him, then surely this guilt would have been mind-crippling. However, we need to bear in mind that O!Ciel was not unaffected; had Sebas not withheld information, then O!Ciel would have stopped the murders earlier, and presented a scapegoat to the Queen. Let’s be fair, had Madam been arrested then she’d still be awaiting capital punishment. But as the Watchdog, O!Ciel pulls some strings. He would have tried VERY hard not to lose his aunt too.

As it is however, the enormous guilt about the death of his own aunt is what Sebas made O!Ciel suffer through slow and insidious manipulation. Sebas never gave O!Ciel the time to mourn his aunt, and instead pressured the boy into admitting that he ‘callously sacrificed Madam as a pawn’. He made him mentally TAKE the blame for the murder that Grell committed, and Sebas could have helped prevent.

As we can see in chapter 13, O!Ciel was desperately trying to externalise the blame, coming up with excuse after excuse, justification after justification. None however, works. Good seasoning skills, Sebas, amazing food-prep.

I am fairly certain that O!Ciel doesn’t even realise how much he’s being emotionally manipulated by his butler throughout the years. This insight about emotional manipulation and psychological abuse is something that requires a level of abstract comprehension we cannot expect from most people, let alone a 13 year old child (however smart they may be.)

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, both Sebas and O!Ciel exist in this relationship rather amicably on surface level, but they are inherently toxic to each other. Sebas is continuously manipulating and emotionally abusing O!Ciel, while O!Ciel holds the absolute power to infringe all of Sebastian’s autonomy.

This ⇊ illustration by Yana is the perfect symbolisation of their bond.

We can attach adjectives like “f*cking toxic” and “fascinating” to this relationship, but we can’t find a category of inter-human relationship to fit O!Ciel and Sebastian into. In real life there are no children who can wield magical command to strip someone entirely of their autonomy. Likewise, there are very few adults who would not consider a child as ‘less-than-adult’. Should we try to shoe-horn O!Ciel and Sebas into a human category, then we risk over-simplifying this relationship. Over-simplification of this relationship can be very harmful, because the subverted formula of “child-master and adult-servant” SEEMS to compensate for the inherent power imbalance.

Yana however, managed to write this relationship SO brilliantly complex, that Sebas will always remain the servant who is at O!Ciel’s mercy, while O!Ciel suffers continuous mental abuse despite holding the ultimate ace card against a demon. This complex relationship is the ultimate evidence that even the most toxic relationships can look functional on surface level, and I love hating it!

I hope this helps give some insight!

[schizononsince]

@tired-and-healing sorry it took me awhile to respond, I was busy with family. I'm posting this because it's a lot to respond to via replies. This will be a long post.

" there are entire towns that are mostly totally dependant on nearby prisons for jobs / economic support "

YES! The prison I worked for ( that I cannot disclose legally ) was actually nearby a small town- almost in the town. And the town relied on the prison to keep things going. The prison money even was devoted to buying and making an entire park for the area. I'm not sure if they made the inmates work to make the park, but I do know that there was no jobs available at this prison. Only orderly* things.

* orderlies are inmates or offenders that are tasked with helping CO's with daily functions; as well as tasked with chores around the prison.

" What is the dynamic between CO's and incarcerated people? "

There is no dynamic, simple as that. The inmates aren't your friends, and if you're an inmate, the guards aren't your friends. It's encouraged to not trust inmates because they will manipulate you into doing things for them. And they will. I'll give an example:

Let's say an offender stops you during count time or while you're passing out trays. He wants you do simply heat up his food in the pods microwave. He makes the task sound easy enough and even tries guilt tripping you.

In this situation, I personally tell the offender that he can ask the orderly provided to me for that task. Now why would I do that?

Because, let's say you do take the food and heat it up in the pods microwave. Well, then you try to move to the next guy, now he wants you to also microwave his food. So you do, but by the third or fourth guy, you're running way behind on feeding time and you have to tell him no. He threatens to stab you next time you're on his unit because you didn't heat his meal. Now you're in a situation over something as small and simple as a friendly task or act of kindness you showed one or two guys. Best case scenario, you get haggled off that pod. Worst case, the guys you heated the meal for are affiliated and now the whole pod assumes you're working for that gang. Which you don't want. So being friendly with inmates is discouraged. Now, that doesn't mean I personally treated them like animals, I still respected them ( though most my coworkers did not ). And i still stroke up a conversation about their day or about sports. But I never did any tasks outside of my job description for them because of the situation I explained above.

So as far as dynamics, there isn't one. I'm the guy with all the power and you're the guy whose gonna do jack about it. It's unfair as all get out, but it's how prisons these days work.

" How do people connect with each other and form friend groups in prison? "

During my time as a CO ( which was short lived ) I made pretty much no friends at that prison minus one guard who also said ' fuck this place ' and dipped.

Inmates make friends by mingling. They're just people in a situation that's unfair to them. They're all victims of a fucked system at this point and, for some of them, there is no getting out. That's not to say every inmate is trust worthy. A lot of them try to extort other inmates financially, sexually, physically, you name it. Some of those guys, they're crazy. You look at them and they're psychopaths that need mental help, kot prison. There's some nuts in there that you don't want to mess with. It all depends on who you are and who you run into.

Now, the guards? At this particular prison, where messy as hell. I mean messy, always gossiping about eachother. Always. You don't want to make friends with the other guards, because if they're talking about each other, you can guarantee they're talking about you too. And it's dangerous, because offenders know how to get information out of you about other guards. Guards talk, and inmates listen. You can slip up and tell an offender where your coworker lives without even realizing you did. And it's a dangerous thing, inmates know people outside. Some of my coworkers were followed home by cars after offenders threatened to put a " KOS " * on them.

* KOS is kill on sight. It's where offender's tell their connections outside the prison to kill you on sight.

" I think isolation is one of the worst things that can be done to a person. " - regarding punishments.

Cruel and unusual punishment is a thing. I'll never forget seeing that sergeant punch a fully restrained and riot gassed offender. I'll never forget seeing a OC gassed inmate stripped to his underwear and binded down to a metal operation table where he had sat for days. I won't forget that stuff. It's sick. It's fucking sick how they ' punish ' these guys.

And yeah, they do some bad shit. Inmates will put fecess on a shank to stab you and get you infected. They'll dash* you, they'll throw a home brew of acid on your face. But you have to stop and think, whats causing these guys to do this? What phycological horrors do they have going untreated that cause them to act this way? What fucked up oppressive system has them feeling like they have to do this to get by? It's sick. But cruel and unusual punishment isn't going to make them stop. Nor is it right.

* dashing is when the inmates piss in a bottle and throw it on you. Sometimes they let the bottle sit for long periods of time to allow the amonia to brew, sometimes they add bleach.

" I want to also know how the punishments effect CO's "

Depends on the CO. I've only written one or two RVRs in prison, one on an inmate who threatened me for being trans, and one on a guy who I was forced by my sergeant to write a RVR on. Otherwise, i never wrote one. I hated the idea of RVRs.

RVRs are basically like referrals you get in school. It's a report on you. A write up. RVRs can take / freeze your convensary and can also land you in the hole.

As far as how CO's took punishment ? It depends on the CO. Some loved writing RVRs, others did not. Some CO's are on a sick and twisted fucked up power high.. others are not. Depends on the guard.

" Do you feel like having the ability to dole out to people who can't structurely relate changes people / your co workers? "

It absolutely does. I personally didn't abuse my power in a way I knew of. But there were some guards just itching to take away your whole convensary, or to throw you in the hole*. I felt sick one night, watching a coworker stand there and brag about her power. She went as far as saying she loved the high it gave her, and the power she had was just so amazing. I couldn't relate.

I hope this helped and that you learned something from my responses.

[catboyroycebracket]

Seeing your transistor posts always immediately throw me back into obsessing over it. Do you have any thoughts on the country? Surface level it feels like a sort of 'heaven' to cloudbank but (and I might be misremembering/ reading too much into it) it feels almost like a sort of paradise in comparison to cloudbank

>:) !!! proud to reignite such an obsession!!!! the country is SO mysterious its so much fun.. it mostly raises even more questions about the worlds structure for me. its like, this "higher" layer/plane of semi-digital (digitized?) existence, where cloudbank is the "base" layer and the process is on an unseen "slightly below base" layer, but this doesnt at all explain how cloudbank came to be, just how digital vs tangible it is, or how one enters cloudbank to begin with.. its so strange!! you can get in but you cant get out.. and it is INSIDE the transistor .......

i believe mr kasavin talked about how an important aspect of the city vs country worldbuilding he wanted to establish was making it apparent that for cloudbank citizens theres an even *better* place to live. even though cloudbank is an idyllic utopia where pain is near nonexistant and everyone spends their lives doing what they love most to better their city.. theres still an even *more* idyllic and *more* utopic place thats extremely desirable. you will work hard enough to retire and earn a vacation outside the city forever.. the country is poised as this perfect escape from the already-perfect city where things will be forever most perfect.. yet no one knows anything about it..

the city vs country theming for mortal life vs afterlife is also fascinating. the concept of structuring your entire life around working but then upon death you Never work again.. vocation is something chosen and beloved by cloudbank citizens and its implied they dont work for survival or under any sort of oppressive conditions.. so why would you aspire to one day finish it and never return..? and the fact everyone chooses for themself when to die.. this Contrast of living for work and dying to never work again HAS to have an alternate meaning for this world that just!!! isnt told to us!!!!! how could a city where technology is advanced to the point of eradicating illness, a city where everyone is given a direct purpose to follow, have a visitation time limit after which you are to wander an infinite farm under an infinite sky......!!!!!!

"see you in the country" sounds like a blessing/wish/farewell phrase of sorts but may be fully literal? the way citizens refer to it cryptically as in an almost metaphorical way suggests its un-studyable and possibly just an aspiration, the same way the word "heaven" functions in everyday language without attachment to any specific religious beliefs, but then the fact we SEE onscreen that the country is indeed real and does look like a countryside!!!!!!! is even more mysterious!!!!!!! how did they know to call it the country if you cannot view it or know anything about it when youre in the city!!!!!! is "the country" just a nickname??? does it look like a countryside for all that go there or was that specific to our protagonists??!!??! the fact we actually see the elusive paradisiacal otherworld in the bittersweet ending we fought so hard for is so puzzling!!!!!! are all dead people in the same country ? if not, can they venture out and meet eachother?? are they immortal there like in the christian concepts of an afterlife? can they go really Never go back to the city? how do they function there if their existence in the city was something controlled by a digital system.. how different is that system between country and city.. what even is there to do there.. there has to be more to it thats just never shown to us.

its all so mysterious. i DONT know whats up!!!!! but its my personal belief that the camerata get really into baking wherever they are in there 😏

[starshineandbooks]

This Is part of the sidlink exchange ( @sidlinkgiftexchange ) and is for @naobara He seems awesome and I'm excited to give this to him!

Link paces, impatient as always, if better healed, he’s so close to getting to see Sidon again, but what if he doesn't like him anymore? What if he found someone else? What if the prince realizes Mipha’s death is all Link’s fault?

    “Are you done pacing?” Myrah asks, looking up from her scimitar she is cleaning, “I promise, he still loves you, the royal zora siblings have a very specific type, you.”

    Link turns to look at his friend, one of the few left from the before calamity times, she was frozen in time by magic, neither of them is too sure how, but their ages seem to be tied together with eachother’s and Zelda’s, and the trio seems to age more like Zora than hylians now.

    She raises a brow, gold eyes appraising him, different from the usually playful gaze she has.

    “I- what?”

    She snorts, “Come on, Link, you need to get ready, you need to finish collecting the stones.”

    “I guess.” He shifts, arms crossing as he blows hair out of his face to avoid making eye contact.

    “I’ll be with you, we’ll make a day of it, who gets more shiny rocks vs lizards oir something.”

    Myrah sets the blade down, standing up to her half hylian half gerudo glorious height of much taller than Link as she strides to him, hand settling on the hero’s shoulder with a comforting little tune she hums.

    He narrows his eyes at her.

    “Oh alright, we’ll spar too.”

    He smiles, “Good.”

    She shakes her head, then, “Come on, I have a surprise for you.”

    ���You do?”

    “Yeah, I do.”

    Myrah stands her hair falling over her shoulder, he can see her gerudo half prominent in her face and hair.  She leads him through her house, and into a room he’s seen a few times but rarely is in.

    She stops then, “It’s okay if you don’t like it, or think it’s too much… I just- Here.”

    Myrah moves a sheet out of the way and Link stares, awed.

    Several things are there, a set of matching swords, one made for Link and the other for Sidon, obvious in the size. A set of voice and vai clothes, both for link. A painting, Sidon and Link dancing at a ball, both draped in fancy jewels. Several pieces of jewelry. And oddly enough, a small box wrapped in silk.

    “Go on,” Myrah smiles gently.

    Link steps forwards, finding the swords first, silver, with gold decorative vines on the hilt, pretty but functional. He tests the edge, sharp, dangerous. He tries the smaller sword, and finds it balanced perfectly for him, a one handed sword, the light glints off of it.

    “Where did you get all of this?” He asks.

    Myrah smiles softly, “The painting is Kaori and Zelda’s gift. I had Ashley in gerudo craft the jewelry, I enchanted them myself. The box is my own doing, and the clothes are things- My mother made them for you years ago. Likely before you remember.”

    Link gasps, “Your mother?”

    “We grew up close as siblings,” Myrah says, “She cared for you like her own.”

    “Oh.”

    “The zoran black smith made the swords, I designed them and enchanted the metal.”

    “You can enchant weapons and jewelry?”

    She laughs, gentle, and nods, “Of course, it was my aunt’s craft, and useful.”

    “Wow.”

    Link opens the box, and stares at the keys, identical, “What is this?”

    “I made you your own hidden, private home in the domain, for you and Sidon.”

    “You did?”

    She nods, “Of course.”

    “Myrah-”

    She smiles, “There’s- one more thing.”

    “What?”

    Myrah turns, grabbing something before handing it to Link, “Sidon asked me to give you this the day before you are reunited and married.”

    Link stares at the rolled up scroll, eyes a little wide.

    ‘My dear sapphire,

                    Without you I am miserable, even when you are only gone a week, I cannot imagine how this year has affected me, yet I doubt it has been easy for you either. You are truly my most prized companion, and should you for any reason wish to not be married, I hold no ill will.

    However, I am excited, because I know if you are reading this we’re almost guaranteed a marriage. I have missed you greatly, even if I have yet to separate this fatal year at the date of writing this, I know I ache for your embrace.

    I hope you are well, I know the princess will take care of you, your friends have never been too patient with your moods that l;ead to taking ill care of yourself. And if I know you, you are either staying near Zelda, or Myrah, likely both, and I know neither will hesitate to make you take care.

    Anyways, I am likely at my wits end, I find you make me better and without you I get- irritable. So, if when we reunite I seem off, I assure you I am fine.

    I know you are busy, just as you know I am. I love you more than all the stars in the sky, the fish in the sea, and the blades of grass you love.

    -Sidon’

    Link doesn't realize he’s crying until he feels the tears hit his hand.

    “Get dressed,” Myrah says, “We’re going on a trip.”

    -------

    It isn’t until Zelda is walking him down the aisle that Link finally breathes again, and the worst this is he has to keep in the proper role, he can’t just rush Sidon and tackle him into a hug, no, that would be ‘improper’, and ‘rude’, and ‘uncivilised’.

    Myrah gives him a little snap followed by a wave that he tunes back in.

    But Sidon’s blinding smile is enough to keep Link anchored, and he’s standing opposite his beloved prince quickly and yet not soon enough.

    And the ceremony is long, and boring, and Link really isn’t sure what’s said, too focused on Sidon.

    Sidon’s usual regal parephnelia is gone, instead it is still silver but it is all sapphire, and he wears his father’s headdress, with silk tied about his ankles, wrists, and wasit.

    Myrah elbows him sharply, “Link,” SHe hisses.

    “What- Oh, yes, I do.”

    Sidon laughs, and then he’s being picked up by SIdon, their foreheads pressed together, and then Myrah is breaking costumes by cheering scandalous things. Zelda smacks her.

    But Link doesn't care, not when he gets to kiss Sidon’s nose and be carried away gently by his prince, his husband now. 

    Husband! They’re married!

    Sidon holds him close, walking through the hidden halls, and he breathes deeply, saltwater and fish, but it smells good, home like even.

    “You’re here.” Sidon says.

    “Of course I am.” Link says, and it’s sincere, just like it should be, just what Sidon needs.

    “I love you. I was- well surely there were other things, people who caught your interest over the years.”

    “Never.”

    “I- Really?”

    “Never, Sidon. I missed you.”

    “I missed you too,” The prince whispers, nuzzling against Link’s face, smooth scales offering solace that had previously seemed miles away.

    “I can’t wait for a forever with you,” Link says, and he means it, he’s finally home. The Calamity is beaten, Zelda and Myrah are happy together, everyone is safe, the champion’s spirits are freed, and he’s in his husband’s arms.

    Everything is well.

    -------

    Link’s used to ridiculous things, okay? The wars of the goddess do that. And so does the fact that he married a shark puppy that’s ten foot tall and more muscled than anything or anyone else Link knows, and he’s best friends with several gerudo soldiers.

    But really, this, this has to take the cake.

    “You what?” Link asks, and it’s tiring.

    “I found this in the spring of courage.” Sidon says, holding up a golden sphere that is clearly a large zora egg.

    “Oh,” Link nods, because really, what else did he expect?

    “I think it’s for us!”

    Link just nods, and turns, leading Sidon to their chambers, and they are easy, setting the orb into a pool.

    “I wonder what they look like?”

    Link nods, of course Sidon wonders, he himself does too.

    So, they sit down, and really, what’s the worst that getting a child could do? They just, will lose sleep, and time. At least the child will be a Zoran, Link reasons, after all, they live longer.

   

    “What do we name them?” Sidon asks.

    Link tilts his head, unsure then, “Lymphina?”

    Sidon hums then, “Maybe.”

    And whatever made the strange egg see fit that it should hatch, as a small Zoran child begins shrieking, a guppy like shape.

    They both turn, and there is a guppy with golden scales to match Link’s hair, red fins like Sidon’s coloration, and striking blue eyes that almost seem to glow. A nurse shark then. Like Mipha had been, gorgeous.

    Sidon gasps, “Oh my goodness, Link!”

    Link nods, “She’s a beauty.”

    “She’s perfect!”

    “What about- Mipha?” Link asks quietly.

    Sidon chokes, “You- really?”

    Link nods, of course he is.

    “I love it. Mipha, she’s going to be as wonderful as her aunt!”

    Link laughs warmly, nodding, because this is wonderful. His beloved husband, and a daughter, his bestfriends ruling hyrule, everything is well. He is safe and so is his family.

    And the little golden guppy with her aunt’s name is going to grow up so loved.

[trashytoastboi]

Congrats on the 200+ followers! Can I please request hcs on 13. Roommate 14. Noir Detective AU, with Law and X Drake as partners?

Heyya! ~ I hope you enjoy🍀 I really enjoyed writing this :3

Askbox: Currently open

200 Follower Event!

Headcanons: Roommate Au! X-Drake and Trafalgar Law as Roommates; Noir Detective AU! X-Drake and Trafalgar Law as partners.

Roommates Headcanons – X-Drake and Trafalgar Law

🦖🍄Two individuals of considerable intelligence and quirkiness now designated to sharing the same living space? – Going to be some rocky moments but relatively peaceful.

🦖🍄 Upon their first meeting – they both designated rules to establish boundaries and a reasonably fair living schedule

🦖🍄 All rules go out the window when Law’s friends visit – since they are such an unruly bunch…especially Luffy… Not to say that X-Drake doesn’t have some interesting acquaintances himself… especially when Hawkins first showed up for a book exchange that he apparently planned with Drake

🦖🍄 They each have some bad habits, Drake and his peanut butter spoons…oh the dreaded peanut butter spoons and knives from his sandwiches, and Law has a habit of leaving coffee mugs… EVERYWHERE.

🦖🍄 Surprisingly with Law’s passion for medicine and Drake’s of palaeontology they often have conversations about them and enjoy learning about interesting facts from eachother.

🦖🍄Completely opposing sleep schedules – Law is on the spectrum of “What is sleep” maybe 3 hours and he is running for the next week on decent functionality, Drake needs at least 5 hours or he cannot function at all, and has an ironclad sleep schedule.

🦖🍄 Unfortunately Law’s sleep dietary supplement of coffee, energy tonics and energy drinks does not help Drake at all and he needs actual sleep.

🦖🍄 Cleanest and most organized shared bathroom you have ever seen.

🦖🍄 Colour coded everything. Cups, plates, bowls, mugs, towels – It helps them keep things organized.

Noir Detective AU – X-Drake and Trafalgar Law as partners

🍄🦖2am… Sitting in an inconspicuous vehicle waiting for the perp as they stakeout the building… At this point Law is on his 8th cup of coffee when Drake pulls out a sandwich and offers half to Law which offends him, they been partners for enough time to know that Law hates bread.

🍄🦖 Drake complains about all the empty cups that Law leaves in the car, and in response Law only feels the need to point out all the chip packets and cigarette butts; only replying to his statement about coffee being bad for Law to which Law only retorts ‘As healthy as bread’

🍄🦖Best detectives you could possibly have on a case, in fact they were head hunted…from a small Private Investigator kind of deal. Both being minds of intelligence, forethought and logic without ruling the impossibility of the unusual.

🍄🦖Entertaining to watch them draw connections to theories since they spin them off eachother, Drake will say one thing and Law will carry it off with it being returned until they finally draw the connection to the suspect. (100% Right every single time.)

🍄🦖They take on the most gruesome cases since they enjoy puzzles and challenges, Law has a frightening way of being able to perfectly understand and predict serial killers.

🍄🦖Drake nearly died of embarrassment when searching the backwater side of the city, as he was looking for leads and a few women approached asking if he would like some ‘company’ for the evening…

🍄🦖 Rock paper scissors on who takes the bigger half of paper work

🍄🦖 In their shared office, Drake has an extra pillow and blanket for the all nighters when he wants to take a power nap, Law has his own secret supply of quality coffee, not the stuff they currently have brewing in the pots.

(And with all Noir Detective novels, our characters cannot exist without some horrible and hindering flaw)

🦖Drake has the tendency to smoke way too much when stressed, along with a bottle of something to take the edge off after work hours, though sometimes the bottle is slipped into early mornings as well.

🍄Law’s terrible sleeping habits stem from being an ex-addict; whose habit kept him up most nights, also the most likely to become a serial killer.

[thisiskatsblog]

Hey, sorry if this is too personal or if you’ve already answered it. Would you mind telling how you realized you were bisexual? I’m kinda confused and struggling a bit 😫

Hi there! Warm hugs to you! Confusion happens. Struggling with that is really normal and okay. Whatever it is that’s confusing you, there’s probably a lot to unpack, but it’s good you’re not running away from it. For me, there were cues all along, but clarity came when for the first time, and this was in my mid- twenties, I allowed myself to sit with all of my feelings, without pushing any of them away. Because pushing them away, I only then realized, I had been doing for a very long time. 

It was almost insignificant. My partner commented positively on the female violinist at a Sparklehorse concert. I was really pissed and scolded him about it. He said I shouldn’t feel so offended as “She’s your type”. For a moment I felt like I was about to explode. He meant to say she looked like me, but for a second I understood something different. And I had a flash of realization. I had been about to act offended, which would have been blatantly homophobic, but underneath, I had also felt a tinge of relief, YES she WAS my type, I liked this woman, I’d do her. And it was this mix of “oh god I almost acted like a homophobic prick” and “oh god FINALLY someone GETS me” that made me realize - OH. I have these feelings, and they have been making me miserable, because I feel like I should be pushing them away. But what if I didn’t act like a prick to myself, what if I stopped being scared of them, stopped pushing them away? I watched the rest of that concert mesmerized by the wonder of my feelings for Sparklehorse’s cute violinist, and realized, yes, I feel sexual desire for women, and that’s never going to go away. My sexual desire for men had always been clear and without question to me, I knew that wasn’t going to go away either. So that was the start of a long, and still ongoing, journey of gradually looking my feelings in the eye, and starting to understand I was always going to feel attracted to more than one gender, and trying to navigate that fact in a biphobic and bi erasing world. It is not always easy and simple. I don’t feel I’m fully there; but looking it in the eye really made me a better, nicer, happier person.  

I have probably shared the full story in the past and I may have tagged it “bisexuality” or “me”, but I feel ya so I’m happy to tell the story again. Under the cut. And: always here to talk. 

Clearly it’s something that was always there, and the realization came in many many stages. When I first heard of the concept gay people (it was the eighties, in the context of AIDS) I asked my mom “but what if I turn out to be gay” and her absolute certainty that I wouldn’t, really did not sit right with me. I was 8 and could not imagine getting naked with anyone, but I could imagine marrying a girl. I think I already realized I liked some girls a bit more than others in my very early teens, but it took the form of strong admiration.  I grew up in a strongly religious and homophobic environment, incredibly powerful incentives all around to ignore those feelings, stay far away from them, not explore them, just, pretend they were not there and label them “I just REALLY want to be her friend”. Just blame that tingly feeling in your chest when you sat close and she talked in your ear on the strong smell of her perfume. And later, telling yourself this is a phase, a test. Yep, must be God testing me - praying (something i considered useless long before I lost all faith), but praying, probably the last time I did it, please God, help me, please let this go away. I cried an entire night long. And forgot about that episode for more than ten years. Pushed it as far as I could in my memory.

 Knowing for absolutely sure I liked guys, I was sure I could not be a lesbian (and didn’t want to be, the homophobia was deeply engrained) and I was sure this would eventually go away. And it did, I got a boyfriend, he was cool, and beautiful, and delicate, and he had long hair. Boyfriends came and went until I met a girl who instantly became my best friend on the day we met, and someone - probably thinking we looked cosy - handed us a flyer to an LGBT event at uni that same day (I should write a fic based on this I know). She said “let’s go, for fun”, and me, remembering the goddess from high school who had inspired my desperate prayers, though, yeah, I should look into this, and said, “yeah, for giggles”. We went and I... did NOT feel at home. I’m rather femmy, and most of the women there were pretty butch, and I just... did not feel attracted or like I belonged. I also didn’t like it when the groups split up and the guys went elsewhere. We watched a lame movie about a woman discovering herself and my friend had opinions. One of which was “I don’t want to go for the drinks after, you’re prettier than any of the girls here anyway, let’s go to mine and have some tea”. I am pretty flirt blind I have to tell you that at this point. Over all the years that we were best friends we emotionally functioned as a co-dependent couple, but I never took any of those things she said, like “you are more important to me than any boy could be” seriously. Like, at all. I was pretty dense. Plain stupid, really. But I agreed with her and said, yeah no, not interested, let’s have tea at your place. All the environmental homophobia had deeply hidden me from myself. So we stayed best friends who acted a bit like a couple. 

So i was completely oblivious, but it must have been around this time that I at some point woke up from a very sexy, pleasing dream, which I had not wanted to wake up from, and realized, hey, that was a girl, with delicious boobs, lush lips and beautiful curly hair I was just dreaming of. SHOCK. It was not a phase... By then I’d had sexual experiences, had grown comfortable with being a sexual being (coming from such a religious upbringing, that in itself took ages) and I could look it in the eye. Sexual desire for women. But I thought it was just that. Hmm, I apparently like thinking of sex with women. Not a hair on my head that considered a romantic relationship, building a life with a woman. It was before women could get married to eachother and have children. Ellen had come out maybe a year or two before, or three, or five, I don’t know - point is: I didn’t know any long term female couples. There were no examples.

That said, my friend and I were sometimes perceived as a couple (I will never forget the time someone congratulated us on planning to move in together, or the time someone called her my sweetheart instead of my friend (girlfriend and friend are the same word in Dutch, so I cannot imagine the times people used that word meaning something other than I took it for, or the times I said it and people took it for something else). But people really close to us thought we were an item. Except there were boyfriends, coming in and out of our lives through revolving doors. They generally didn’t bother me. I mean, mine, always delicate long haired boys, sometimes wearing makeup or girls’ clothes, DEFINITELY did not bother me. But they annoyed her. She never thought any of them was good enough for me. I didn’t think any of her boyfriends were quite good enough for her, but she was clearly also not serious about them, so they didn’t bother me. Until we made plans to move into an appartment together and she sent me househunting with her then boyfriend who was also looking for something, and he inadvertently said “i don’t need something big, I expect I’ll be spending most of my time at your apartment”. I cancelled the plans immediately and I didn’t even know why it hurt me so much. 

Worst. Breakup. Ever. She was extremely upset over it as well. People who knew us well could just not get what had happened. And it took me years to figure out how I had been separating my strong emotional attachment to her very neatly from any sexual attraction I felt to the female body. Years later, I figured out that my behaviour on a beach holiday with our respective temp boyfriends, had been pure jealousy and repression. One time she wanted to bathe topless and I got completely upset. My boyfriend was upset at me “not trusting him”, her boyfriend was upset at me “being a prude”, and she was upset at me refusing to look at her and “treating her like a slut” (I wish). But really I was scared shitless. I did not want to look at her boobs. Without being in any way conscious of it, I looked away to avoid having to recognize sexual feelings. That same holiday her boyfriend at some point stood stark naked on a table. I looked away from his private parts as well, a little less though, those feelings were also not desirable considering he was her boyfriend, but - you know - more familiar, and less scary. When I heard her bumping the headboard in the room next door, I wanted to have loud sex with my boyfriend too. 

And years later, I had sex with her boyfriend as well. After he’d long been dumped and replaced, after I’d cancelled the moving in plans. After she and I had tentatively started talking again. I begged him never to tell her anything about it ever. It felt like the worst betrayal, as I knew she had truly cared for him and I couldn’t bear for her to find out. I don’t think she ever did. I also never stopped feeling guilty about it. What she thought of me was the only thing I cared about. 

There was a short interlude with a hot redhead I’d developed sexual desire for, still not taking the possibility of a relationship with a woman seriously, and running into her in the underwear department with exactly the same set in her hands, and thinking, oh, to buy underwear for her, wrap it, gift it to her on her birthday, and that eliciting the picture of a longer term relationship with her, and thinking, yeah for her I might not mind people thinking i was gay, I’d be proud to introduce her to my friends - an easier thought to entertain when it’s entirely hypothetical and also realizing then: uhm. People thought I’d be a lesbian, like they now think I’m straight. Perhaps this is the reason why I do not know anyone who is bisexual. I just think of them all as straight, or gay. The invisibility of people who are bisexual was a really difficult one for me. It’s SO difficult to picture coming out as bisexual when no one you know is living any kind of example. Anyway. This was a fantasy, but a useful one in making progress towards understanding myself. 

Enter the man I ended up having a child with. He had been in the picture for a while. The “girlfriend” from before (that’s what I call her now) had always warned me off him, didn’t think we’d be a good match. But I really liked him, that wasn’t going away. So when it turned out he liked me too, we got together and it worked. It was our last year of uni, and after, she moved away for an internship, and I moved in with him. She visited once, which led to his confession that he hated her guts, and her confession that she hated his, followed by a list of denigrating comments about our living circumstances. She was clearly not supportive of the relationship that was everything to me so the decision was easy to cut her out. This was even worse than the first “breakup”, complete with nightmarish dreams and withdrawal symptoms. I kept dreaming about her an din those dreams we’d make up and apologize for all the horrible things we had said and done to eachother. I also kept having sexual dreams of Madonna, and a hot friend of ours. Which I’d discuss with my boyfriend. He could relate. It must have been around this time that I started truly questioning the nature of my lost relationship with the girl.

The relationship with my boyfriend was good but I did display some serious unpleasantness around... certain issues. I’d always had that with my boyfriends. I had issues with pictures of beautiful girls on their walls. Particularly if they had nice boobs. They had all seen that as inappropriate jealousy or prudishness. Jealousy it was, but not the kind they thought. To me, the realization FINALLY came as I was at a concert with my boyfriend, and he was talking appreciatively about a female violinist. I acted angry and upset. He called me a prude. I denied it. He called me jealous. I denied it. He thought I was acting like a pain in the ass anyway and said I should feel honoured, cause “She’s your type”, he said. 

And my brain went “Ah”. Indeed, she is my type. I’d do her. BUT I CANNOT SAY THAT AND I HATE YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO SAY THAT. I was jealous, cause he was allowed to express desire for women, and I felt that I was not. So that was it, my aha moment during a Sparklehorse concert. He had meant ‘she looks a bit like you’, I got him completely wrong, but I am so thankful I did. 

That’s unfortunately not the end of the story. But it was the turning point. I had finally understood. It was the starting point of me revisiting all the past issues, stringing all the beads I just painted for you together, making sense of my own story. I made a resolution then and there, that - whatever else - I was probably never ever going to come out, because bisexuality did not exist in my world,  but I would allow myself to feel sexual desire for women. I was going to stop hating myself for it, and I was going to stop hating others for being allowed to feel something I didn’t allow myself to feel. I instantly became a much more pleasant person to everyone I know. And enjoyed my raunchy dreams about Sparklehorse’s violinist, Madonna, and a certain redhead. 

On online fan forums I started migrating to LGBTQ content, it was my way of staying in touch with my community, as there was none in my real life. There was no local  bi group that I knew of, and though I did attend some lesbian parties with a lesbian friend, besides her, most lesbians I met were not very welcoming. The fact that I had a boyfriend of course did not help. I should not be blaming them. 

I found my people online. Started introducing myself to people I met online as bi. Started figuring out how I had been suppressing my sexual desire for women. Then when I couldn’t deny that anymore, had been separating my emotional attachment to women from sexual desire. Realized that societal heteronormativity had made it almost impossible for me to conceive of women as potential long term romantic partners. Casual sex with women I could definitely conceive of, and co-dependent strongly emotional more than friendships eclipsing all the men entering and leaving through revolving doors. But a healthy, stable, romantic, emotional and sexual partnership with a woman? That seemed impossible to me. 

I worked hard to change that, and opening my mind to it, and to the idea that sometimes, you love more than one person at the same time; This has really helped me accept my feelings, myself, who I am. And as I said, it made my life a lot better. It’s gradually allowed me to develop the confidence to come out to people I trust, friends, colleagues, and to try and find, and even build bi+ communities. It’s been great to meet and talk to other people who don’t fit into narrow categories, and allow themselves not to. 

Wishing you the very best on your journey; thank you for sharing with me; and always here to talk anon