#you know it’s just that sometimes our faves are kinda shitty all the time and that’s okay

[feyd-meowtha]

@middlingmay's Fic Rec Questions

I saw this list and thought it would be fun to give it a go!!

1) Fic that's made you laugh the most

He May Be The Reason by @c-goldthorn. It's a Clegan Notting Hill au and it makes me squeal with delight. So cute that I got distracted while reading it and missed my stop on the train.

2) A fic that made you cry

my kingdom for a kiss upon your shoulder by pillar of our community @swifty-fox. I'm sure most ppl have probably read this one but it's such an amazing post-show continuation that really doesn't pull it's punches when it comes to both PTSD and the realities of being gay in the 40s

3) Fave comfort, silly fic

It's a little rogue but I'm gonna say Awake, Alive by the wonderful @whirlpool-blogs. It's a pet sematary au so not exactly what you would call traditionally comforting but the ending makes me so happy and the whole thing is just a joy. The fact that this came to mind when I thought 'comfort fic' is probably pretty telling about me as a person....

4) The fic that made you try a genre or trope that you don't usually read

This is also a bit rogue but it was tricky since I'll read anything, so I'll go with Strings of the Strings of Life by the lovely @weimarweekly, not because of any of the content but because I don't, as a general rule, read Dune fic that was written after Dune 2 released. I've bored everyone to tears with my complaints about that version of Feyd but it is what it is so I tend not to like any fics written about that version of the character BUT the prospect of a feydpaul Berlin techno au was too delicious to resist and the whole fic is so fun. It makes me miss Germany sooo bad.

5) An author who has inspired your own fic writing

This one has got to go to the anonymous author of both Close And Yet Closer and The Replacement. Both of these fics are god tier and their character psychology and willingness to allow their versions of the characters and relationships to be ugly and messy are so inspiring to me. They were also the first person in the John/Hausman tag on ao3 which is currently just me and them. I think about the replacement all the time and it was a HUGE influence on 3am Eternal. If I can ever write half as well as them I will die happy.

6) What are your fave underdog authors? Those that you feel are underappreciated and deserve a bit more love

Hmmm, this is kinda hard cus the MOTA fandom is pretty small so I feel like a lot of stuff gets decent buzz. Imma shout out @whirlpool-blogs again and especially their fucked up clegans fics, I have read and reread all of their works and they're always so so good. I will also add @steeseman for Up In Our Bedroom. It's another great post-canon fic and while it has a lot of hits, I don't think I've seen anyone talking about it on here.

7) What's one thing you wish writers/readers did more of when it comes to fanfiction.

The obvious one is comment, it really does make my day when I get a nice comment, even just a couple words or an emoji mean a lot. The other thing I would say is writing curt/Kenny fic, there's not much out there and I want more please. Also more fics where characters relationships are like genuinely kind of fucked up and toxic. I love that shit.

8) What's one thing you wish writers/readers did less of when it comes to fanfiction.

Oh man, I really do not know. The only thing I can think of is that I hate the word 'yap' or 'yapping' so if I see it in a fic I shudder. Hmmmm, I guess I also wish that there was a little more consideration when writing Gale's dad as an alcoholic because it's often treated as the basis for him being a shitty person. Addicts aren't automatically bad people and I sometimes feel like it's portrayed that way. @blixabargelds wrote an excellent post on this

9) I'm adding an extra one and that is current WIPs I am reading

Sympathy For The Devil by @blixabargelds, it's a modern ghost hunting AU and the set up is AMAZING. I will also throw Superstar in here even though it's not releasing main story chapters yet, everything Frankie writes is so tailored to my personal tastes it's crazy and I am so excited to read @mildharm's John POV chapters too. Literally foaming at the mouth thinking about it rn. When it starts being released fully, I fear it may kill me.

Love Song From A Dog and The Heart Is A Muscle by @swifty-fox. I've only just started THIAM but I'm so hyped for their take on the tattoo shop/flower shop au.

Hit Me Where The Heart Is by @london-cowboy makes me legitimately insane. I jump for joy whenever there is a new update, these versions of the characters and their stories are, as Paris Hilton would say, beyond. I do not have the words to say how much I am loving this fic. The characters and setting feel so real and it's just so creative. AMAZING.

I need to get around to starting let us not desert one another; we are an injured body and also the time skip fic whose name escapes me by @irregularcollapse and also catching up with @weimarweekly's rodeo fic, Looking For Eight

Writing this was very fun and I encourage anyone reading to give it a go if they fancy it!!

[thearvariblues]

Oh, hey, look, it's another Biu-scandal post.

I've been considering and getting ready to write it for a few days now, but so far my words are kinda refusing to word. I decided I would still try, though, because I feel like I need to formulate the thoughts that have been running through my head for the past week.

Just as the last time, if my opinions make you uncomfortable, please feel free to block me and send me hateful anons, it's always a delight! 💙

First things first - yes, I still support Build. Yes, even a week later. No, I have not changed my mind. No, I'm not planning to. No matter his misdemeanors.

So you are IGNORING–

No. I'm not. I am aware of the fact that the things he allegedly said are what we consider shitty, but that doesn't change my opinion of him. At all.

Well I hope you have a REALLY GOOD REASON–

Yes, I have several, thank you for asking!

Reason one - I simply don't require my faves to be morally superior and clean as a freshly fallen snow. He is human. Humans make mistakes. Humans get frustrated and say stupid shit about their friends to another friends, humans talk shit about their job, humans make stupid jokes, humans are simply human. I don't mind finding out that a man I admire has made mistakes because.... I just don't. Sue me. (Please don't. As opposed to Ms. Ombre Pink, I do not have money to pay.)

Reason two - I refuse to judge the level of his shittiness, his homophobia and everything else he's being accused of based on a few out-of-context texts translated by antis who don't even try to make it a secret that they will not stop their bullshit until he either leaves public life, or (preferably) dies by his own hand. Listen, kids, I'm a translator myself, and trust me, I can completely change the meaning of a sentence while technically staying true to it in its bare essence. I can take a vaguely bitchy statement and make you into a monster without breaking a sweat. So excuse me if I don't trust people who are actively trying to destroy him to deliver the most truthful and accurate translations.

Reason three - I won't do anyone's dirty work for them. I have a brain. And I even use it from time to time. (Yayyyyy!) And it just seems... kinda weird that the very moment when Build gets back on his feet, mysterious twitter accounts start popping up and throwing accusations at him until they find something that sticks. They started with private photos, because apparently getting evidence of his relationship with Ombre Pink can turn the fans against him! (Spoiler alert - it did not.) Then they followed up with accusations of him throwing away the remnants of money bouquets - from a year ago, which raises its own questions about for how long has this mysterious person been planning on taking him down. (I'm saying mysterious person, as if we don't know her name starts with P and ends with I, with only one letter in between.) Anyway, this didn't work either, because apparently the fans are okay with him not keeping the wrapping of the gifts they give him. Who would have guessed! Well, the first attempts didn't work, so now we have a new scandal, using the big guns in the form of Bible and Apo's names! That's sure gonna work! And it does. But not on me. Like I said. Sometimes I tend to use my brain. What a shame.

Reason four (but maybe more of a reason 3B) - no matter who is exposing his "crimes", it's very clear to me that this person isn't doing it for our benefit. They don't want to expose Biu as a despicable monster because they don't want the fans to live in a lie or whatever. They are doing it with a very clear and open goal to destroy Build Jakapan. And I will not support that.

Reason five - presumably, all those alleged texts (don't forget that Ombre Pink has forged text conversations before) are from before the breakup, and also presumably from before the famous Phuket trip (and in case you don't know, in the leaked phone call from January, she accuses him of changing after that trip). Now, have you ever met a person who made you change your behavior without even realizing it? I have. Seriously, I know that spending too much time with certain friends makes me a worse person than I usually am. Hell, my mother is a terribly hateful person, and I always have to be careful around her because let me tell you, that hate spreads like a goddamn forest fire. What does this have to do with Build? Oh, nothing. Just a fact that Poi is clearly an extremely hateful, homophobic bitch who hates... you've guessed it, Bible and Apo. Let it sit for a moment.

Reason six - you know what, I think that's been enough reasons, I'm tired of that shit.

My point is this. In the essence, this whole thing is and should have stayed a private matter. It was an ugly, messy breakup after a shitty, clearly abusive relationship.

Listen, it's not coincidence that so many people who have had to deal with a narcissist abuser in their lives took a single look at Poi's behavior (no matter if it was back in January or later on) and went "wait... I know this shit". When you've been through it, you know. Trust me. You know. And it makes you sick in your stomach.

This is, and always has been, a private battle between a man and a woman.

On one side, we have Build, who might have made mistakes, but none of his mistakes are worth being cancelled for. Ever since this whole thing started back in January, he's been staying calm and collected, and he didn't talk shit about his crazy ex even when it could have helped him. Has he leaked their private call and some texts? Yes, but clearly only to clear his name. If you want to hate him for what he's "done", fine. Don't engage with his content. But let us morally fallen monsters enjoy it and support him in peace.

Because remember that on the other side, we have a woman who is openly homophobic (and if you don't see her "he cheated on me, oh god, do I have to get tested for AIDS?!" comment as homophobic, then I really have no words), has been proven to lie and forge evidence on multiple occasions (and had to confess to it) and has used twitter to spill secrets about her ex under the guise of "writing a story" (including, possibly, outing him as bisexual, since her "definitely not inspired by Build" character was bi) and scream at and blackmail him. We also know that as Daemi, she and Yok were being shit to multiple KinnPorsche actors, and they forced Barcode, a minor, to give them massages, claiming that's just a standard in the industry (and then proceeded to make fun of it to a point when Jeff fucking Satur felt the need to step up and say in a livestream that no, it's not a standard, you don't have to do those things, Barcode, you know).

Look. I'm not saying that because she's worse, it makes him an angel. It does not. Like I said, if you hate Build, feel free to, but don't hate on people who still choose to support him. Ignore him, and ignore us. Trust me, we don't want to argue with you all the fucking time.

I'm just begging you to think before you start spreading hate on Biu on the social media. Think who you're serving. Thing whose dirty work you're doing.

And then ask yourself if you are really the morally pure angels if you wish death upon one man and all his supporters because of a few stupid texts.

That's all. Thank you for your attention.

And if you still support Build, remember that I love you all, and you're not alone. 💙

[krockat]

absolutely gorge.

for a person who's been kind of drifted off from cool movies their whole life and is like, learning how to find things to watch that isn't centered at youths

(two of my most fave shows are steven universe and shera spop (and also russian doll, good omens and the boys but i haven't finished those yet so they don't count),

and has the task of recommending cool-fish whimsical weirdo movies and creations to a newly formed norm critical film group that me and a buncha disabled nerds are watching at our non-work-cause-we-cant-work-cause-we-v-disabled-workplace... :

does anyone have any recommendations on where to find films like this, or films to discuss, in such a group? or recommendations for specific films or media

(especially the watchable kind - one one can put on an old projector that's kinda shitty because we have not gotten the funding from our workplace (that's not actually a workplace, the corpos and govvies just want us to call it that. a lot of us going there call it dagis tho (informal slang for kindergarten)) to really gust this shit up yet)!

we are a bunch of funky polyminority queers and blooming cis+ers who all are into weird shit. but they (and me aswell, to a certain level, its just i know more than many of them on things like these) have not yet unlocked our potential for weird and norm critical/aware fully.

i think if this group goes well, we can motherfucker unlimited a Whole lot of people, honestly.

so yes, i am looking to make these all fuckers bloom out even more.

here are some movies i am going to suggest to our viewing, so you may know what we already got ahead:

- but i'm a cheerleader!

- everything everywhere at the end of time

- John waters movies and medias, esp those with divine (but i have not seen any yet, so if any of you have specific recs i would Love them)

- epsilon (i think?) - this one swedish short film that was a part of the yearly swedish film festival sometime between 2015-2020 that i can Not for the life of me find any even trace of online.

pretty sure it was called epsilon and it was about a brain that was being used in science experiments, that didn't realize it was just a brain, and a psychic one at that -

and the owner of the brain had donated it to science and had written away the right to have the ability to take away consent after they (the swedish scientist institute) had acquired the brain.

so they (the scientists) keep deleting its memory every time it gets 'too feisty' (tries to escape or attack the people abusing it for science).

it had one kind of notable swedish white older woman actor in it, but i can Not find her through imdb searches as i do not remember her or any works she has done. i tried searching through old women actors there but could Not.

- liv strömquist tänker på dig!

i am having hard time finding it online.

there was a recording made by SVT (Sveriges Television) of this Swedish theatre divising production, which is based on Liv Strömquist's feminist tragicomedy comic book also called Liv Strömquist Tänker På Dig! (Liv Strömquist Is Thinking About You!) - and i went to it live aswell Two times - and it was amazing, and i even got a script from (i think it was, retroactively) the director herself as i showed my huge nerdiness about it - and i foolishly never saved my own RIP of the recording of it!!)

- clue (tim curry etc version)

- derry girls (a few eps?)

we have watched, so far:

- dating amber (nice, we watched it in two parts. the first 3 meetings we had to setup the tech thing and the weird room we borrowed from the nearby building, dirty dusty room that was part of some old nearly empty office buildings, that was like a time capsule from the 70s. really funny to explore, super abandoned vibes and like it was left in a hurry with crap thrown places and sensitive documents, and broken and Untaken care of.

an old drink-yoghurt bottle that they stopped making like nearly 10 years ago stood in the projection hall that with old ass dusty ass tech sat. we nerded out REAL HARD y'all. also seems haunted by the past. also one time we heard a weird sound, and one of the friends there gathered it was an elevator alarm, cause she knows the sound as she lived in places with bad elavtors. and i was like. we should probably look to see if anyvody needs our help, but where tf is that elevator even, because it wasn't the regular elevators we use? so we find the elevator (in a room we didn't realize was there because we had explored it before and not seen that whole part.) and we pressed the button to see if it would help. and after a pretty long time (for an elevator, but not too long if it was a broken elevator) the elevator moved to our floor and there was a man there looking really confused. the door was bolted so we would have to unbolt it to open it. He didn't really say anything at first even after I said hey, so I asked 'are you okay? do you need help' and he was like 'no i am not okay, i am stuck in here, but there's people down there who are saying they can help me' so he went down and after he started going I was like. okay we'll press it again and if he's still in there we have unbolted the door so he can get out. but when we pressed it back he was gone.

anyway one of the friends got real scared and spooked out by that whole ordeal and honestly the place to begin with haha. but she was the one who showed up the next time to watch the second part of dating amber, and me (apart from our coach) , cause the other two were sickomoding.)

and are gonna watch:

- rocky horror picture show, next monday!

we are going eat snacks and dress extra camp for it, cause we wanted to also have it more like a viewing of the original cult movie watchings, and like some places still do?

yanno with the singing along and the throwing popcorn and that kinda hullabaloo?

but we just didn't have time to prepare all that for this one (we are all burnt out/are recovering, even our coach/leader is lol). so this is our pre!

oh yea this is a huge long comment where i just kinda had time to write down all this for the first time! longer than i anticipated, but i am gonna let myself be long for this one.

Woman of the Seventies

[goblinselfshippr]

❤️Romantic f/o tag explanations+ links

(+Leviathan bc he used to be a romantic but he got switched) fair warning, I don’t keep up with all the shitty musician drama. Warning for medications/experiments/drugs in Albert’s part specifically(which I have moved to the very bottom past Leviathan for that reason).

Vergil- #❤️[A Thousand Years]

Pretty sure most people get this one, it’s the infamous Twilight wedding song. Everyone and their mom knows by this point that I’ve been shipping with this guy since I was like 10, and when you spend that much time writing/daydreaming about a guy it really does feel like we’ve been together for millennia. BUT did you know it is also based off of a wedding dance that I always thought about us doing? It’s a bit of a mashup between this video and this one

Cicero- #❤️[DWTC]

This is actually an acronym for Down With The Clown which is an ICP song… yeah… lol my parents should’ve known I was not gonna be a normal child when they blasted Riddlebox 25/8. Cicero’s entire playlist is mostly ICP because he is in fact an insane clown. I think originally his tag was going to be “My axe” or “chop chop slide” or something but obvs that’s violent and I figured I’d probably need to censor everything if I went with those. I wanted to keep them around 3 words or less, so the acronym was just faster (meanwhile Simeon’s tag exists)

Farkas- #❤️[Tír na nÓg]

*inhale* HOOO BOY this is both a song by Celtic Women and the fae world in Irish folklore. In the song, I’m pretty sure it’s about a warrior who is shipwrecked on an island and sees a faerie that looks like his wife who is trying to tempt him to stay safe with her on the island of Tír na nÓg. My S/Is are exclusively either fae or angels (sometimes both at the same time) but I figured Skyrim has a closer folklore to Norse and Irish and popular culture loves saying they are the same. So yeah, Tír na nÓg because he’s getting tempted by a pretty fae lol

Aizawa- #❤️[Mr. 10pm Bedtime]

This is a song by Girli (one of my top 10 faves) and I really feel like the chorus fits him shdndj especially “Baby, don't tell me you're too old To have a little bit of fun sometimes” and “So tell me one more time That I've been trashing your bedtime I hear you knock, knock, knock On the door and you let me know “Pipe down or you'll have to go!" “ like that is HIM. Our dynamic is very much “loud/flashy/extroverted” and “god I’m so tired introvert”

Levi- #❤️[Under the Willow]

Another lucky guy with a wedding dance. Willow by Jasmine Thompson (warning, the camera spins with the dancers for some ungodly reason so those parts might make you dizzy/motion sick bc it for sure makes me a little nauseous) it’s a really soft song and I kinda only picked it for him because of the line “Down by the water, under the willow Sits a lone ranger, minding the willow” but some of the other parts still fit him imo “If he had spoken, love would return Spoken inside, too soft to be heard” bc that man has a hard ass time conveying emotions. Yes he is blunt, but feelings are embarrassing. (Source: me wanting to disappear the moment I have them). It’s apparently based off of a fairytale called Under the Willow by Hans Christian Andersen

Wrecker- #❤️[Absolutely Smitten]

Dodie song because I was absolutely in my Dodie era with him SHCAKCAB It’s so cute and fun and just feels like him! Esp because it’s easy to imagine my s/i singing this about him (she is a performer) in the bar! I don’t really have a lot to say, these things just lined up. It was a hard tie between this one and Would You Be So Kind, but for me the shorter tags the better.

Simeon- #❤[Kannst du die Engel sehn?]

This is from Die Engel by Eisbrecher, the tag means “can you see the angels” really original i know lmao I love this band and this song(I am not in any means fluent in German, I can only flirt and order food), I have included a video with the English translation. It WASNT going to be five words long, but I felt like just “Die Engel” (The Angel) would NOT work because people wouldn’t understand its not die(English), it’s die(German) + be like “wow that’s a little harsh” 🤣 the full lyric is “Can you see the angels, they fall only for you” which is meant to allude to how Simeon does a LOT of shit he is not supposed to for the MC

Jafar- #❤️[Out of Body]

This is a song by Gorillaz that feels kind of like some sort of cult ritual at first. Allegedly it is about the sort of euphoria you feel dancing at a club or party. Idk feels a lil culty to me(<- has never been to a party). Another one I don’t really have much to say about, in my head it just fits. It’s fun and upbeat and a little crazy/foreboding because this guy is nuts ily tho bby

+Leviathan- #❤️[Break the Internet]

This is from Cyber Sex by Doja Cat exclusively because I didn’t know what the hell to use for him that wasn’t an anime OST song, and I like keeping the music theme. (Sorry bud) I was going to do something from Match to Water by Pierce the Veil(which I feel like is HIS song even if I don’t really feel romantically abt him as much), but I really couldn’t find anything short and snappy that I felt like fit him. And obviously the name of this song would not work on my sfw page 😅

Albert- #❤️[Mr. Doctor Man]

Song by Palaye Royal that has been stuck in my head for the past 6years (shoutout to my ex who introduced me to this band). It’s pretty heavy if you actually listen to the words (alludes to a doctor using illicit substances to cope with the trauma of the job). I’m not completely naïve to the fact that our guy Bertie is canonically a homicidal maniac who absolutely abuses his position to turn people into weird zombie demons or human hamburgers. His story is dark and I wanted his song to reflect that feeling. One of the more recent updates from the game’s creator actually shows a concept art of a kid Albert in some sort of medical testing facility, and I really felt like the song’s themes resonated with him

[yetanothernarutoblog]

Disclaimer

[kitkatscabinet]

Hi there! I’m new to the quarry fandom! I was wondering if you were still taking requests and if you were, if I could request some headcanons for what it would be like to date Dylan, and what kinda s/o he would look for? Gn reader preferably for our ladies and gentlemen simps! And more personality base rather than looks cuz he seems like the kinda guy to appreciate anyone regardless of shape, size, or color!

If you’re not comfortable writing that or aren’t taking requests that’s totally fine too! Thank you! I really enjoy your writing 👌🏻

ok so Dylan is one of my faves but this was honestly a little difficult to do cause I love him and Ryan together so I hope its ok. The Aussie in me jumped out a bit at some points too, so, sorry to all my Northern hemisphere readers.

What he looks for in a partner

Firstly his s/o has to be someone that takes a genuine interest or happily listens along to his ramblings/explanations. Even if its a topic his s/o knows nothing about/isn't interested he needs to know they'll always listen anyway and never feels like he's being a bother

ideally they can see past the witty front he puts up, and be able to determine when he's joking and when he isn't.

someone who's not too serious and understands why he can be so blase sometimes

While he's flirty from the get go it would take some serious effort for him to actually open up.

from his interactions with Ryan we know he does like the strong/mysterious kind but I can just as easily see him being with a more extroverted partner (like Kaitlyn or Jacob)

He definitely needs someone with at least a little bit of impulse control because otherwise, well he'll end up a hand down

What it's like to date Dylan

trying out random and new things all the time, I imagine him as someone that hyperfixates on things and likes to drag you along for the ride.

shit talking, when you and Dylan gossip it can become an all out hatefest but you'll always end it with 'but who are we to judge' as if that makes up for it.

Dylan becomes one of your 'biggest fans' watching you from afar whenever you do anything. you could be buttering bread and he'll be swinging his feet. The more open you are and reciprocate this energy the more you'll get back

Dylan will always be there to cheer you up from a bad day/mood he can tell without any words when you need comfort and quickly learns what you're most receptive to and what you hate.

He's very protective (I know everyone says this but I mean its literally canon) and if someone was seriously causing you any grief or talking behind your back and his words arent enough he probably would get into a fight that he knows he might lose (unless you tell him not to)

I'm inclined to think your dates tend more towards indoor/arcade/movie/cafe dates unless you're hardcore into hikes and shit and then he'll go along with you occasionally.

You definitely go ice skating once and he sucks, no grace, long arms desperately flapping around as he grabs on to you. If you suck too then it's even funnier and the both of you eat shit multiple times

dates to a shopping centre where you just go and walk around judging people. Frequenting Kmart and Target just to find the weirdest shit and making each other try on the most cooked outfits you can find.

He definitely has a tik tok and even if he hasn't posted before the two of you start making them together. But not the wholesome trends no. you two are up there slapping each other with tortillas.

You go to local fares/carnivals and just gorge yourselves on the food and he tries to win you something big and fails but you love whatever shitty little thing he gets you anyway.

This is kind of short but I'm still a little sick so I hope you all enjoy anyway

Taglist:

@laurakearnxy @wolfsquad @rainbows-dreams @dylanlenievy @kestisvrse @aaetherr69 @jjkk1m @g0th1ka @ghostverz @thebookbakery @qlqstqr @sheriff-hackett

[ladycharles]

My first EP is honestly not what I would recommend to people interested in my music but I kind of feel like making a post explaining the songs because as rough and weird as it is I do hold a fondness for them.

You have to understand that at the time Lady Charles was a way of blowing off steam and it wasn't till I crossed paths with Kevin Barnes at the exact right moment (story for later) that I started taking the project more serious. So this record is just a collection of emotions I felt I had to get out done in a really simple, demo-y way.

First off is Free Speech

This was the era of the alt right and I was getting sick of the obvious double standards. You can get beat up for burning a flag but the same people will defend their right to rag on minorities.

So originally I was going to sing "Canada sucks x3/it's a nation of cucks/USA sucks x3, it's a nation of cucks" etc. Because it was really stupid but might offend people and them I could explain that free speech was the point. But in the end my better senses won out and I made it a sort of manifesto for breaking down societal boundaries.

Musically it's got a cold, computerised sound that I don't think is really that appealing now (I liked the DIY ethos) but the actual music cycles through punk to video gamey to rock to soul which I am proud of.

This is maybe my fave of the album.

As background I had long been friends with this bedroom pop artist who I collabed with and who played in one of my bands. He started dating someone kinda toxic tbh and they went deep down a certain online rabbit hole that basically separated them from everyone they knew.

I really thought this guy had an amazing musical talent but he vanished from all our lives in a flash of untreated mental illness and flailing abuse. Even though I was upset at unfair treatment I received I missed the version of him that seemed long dead and so I wrote about the experience.

As I do sometimes when writing about other musicians, I wrote the song in his style, hence the twisty chords and cobbled together aesthetic. Sadly he never made more music and I don't know what happened since.

This is the moment I really came into my own vocally. I had been seeing a new teacher and she figured out immediately that my hearing issues were affecting my singing and taught me to compensate. It was the first time I was able to sing softly and accurately and it became the blueprint for my singing style.

MGMT's "When You're Small" was definitely an influence here.

Continuing the theme of exorcising demons, this one is a veiled song about misogyny in the music scene.

I had been a dancer (yes) for a band with a guy who really mistreated a female bandmate after kicking me out. I wrote some really savage satirical lyrics about him and hid them in plain sight in this short and silly interlude. This one got a weird amount of regular plays in Russia so spasibo bolshoi to the one Russian person who reps this one.

My least streamed song - I get it tbh!

It's very ugly. Cold computerised rhythm in a lilting 13/8 with my "old" manic, pitchy singing voice and sarcastic stabs of free jazz.

The lyrics are a self-deprecating rant about a shitty house venue I lived in where ableism, probably mercury fumes from the factory downstairs, and late nights combined in the worst way. I wouldn't have put this much cynicism in one EP if I knew that people would actually listen to Lady Charles 😂. I just needed the emotional release.

Honestly though I kind of think this is underrated. If I did it with a full band and better singing it could be a really abrasive but impressive bit of prog-punk. In a way it's the Apocalypse Girls beta release - that one is also chaotic and in an extreme time signature but it's a lot more developed.

And "All the girls in black boots/Talk about/knifeplay" is a very good representation of Montreal in 2017.

Breaking up the misery comes this dark instrumental.

Basically I envision it as some lost movie soundtrack from the 80s, drifting from an old VHS. There are shades of Nino Rota and Ryuichi Sakamoto in the pentatonic melody.

Then it breaks suddenly into 2000's electro jazz inspired by the Polish group Contemporary Noise Quintet.

My sax playing isn't very good technically in particular my intonation, but my instincts from guitar allow me to improvise in a fairly structured way which kind of makes it sound cool IMO. I always liked players who weren't amazing but soloed with a lot of emotion - like David Bowie or Kurt Cobain on guitar. I take a sax solo on my new album so maybe this is becoming a tradition.

The other highlight IMO.

This is a fairly abstract song about addiction and other copes and how they really tie into mental health which really ties into an unhealthy society.

"You can escape your demons/but you can't escape the world that breeds them"

It's musically a mix of Pinkerton era Weezer, 808s and Heartbreaks Kanye West, Across the Multiverse Dent May and 70s Eno with maybe a bit of Heat by DB and Cherry Peel of Montreal.

Like Bedroom Dynasty, I do a thing I like where the acoustic guitar acts as the percussive rhythm and I layer synths and electric guitars over - it feels very personal because it is just the instruments I play with no programming or outside help. I had purchased an arch top guitar from 1957 that had quite a dark tone and it inspired me to play a lot of acoustic around this time. Those old American archtop guitars aren't actually fancy or high end for the time but they sure are beautiful IMO.

Thanks, hope this type of content isn't too boring, it's just really fun coming here from Insta and being able to actually chronicle the stories behind my music and share the songs a bit instead of just making reels into the void.

I did everything on this EP myself by the way which is a blessing and a curse - my upcoming new album is still largely me multitracking myself but I took more care and there's key outside collaboration and I think you'll find the sound a lot more developed and complex.

[a-queer-seminarian]

So sorry if this is breaking news to anyone, but: the Bible is ableist. Its pages hold some really shitty stuff about disabled persons.

...AND it’s also affirming of the goodness and wholeness of disabled persons, just as we are!

it turns out that among the many authors of the many texts collected into the Bible, there were differing views around what we now call disability!

so whenever disability comes up in a given passage, i can’t keep my brain from immediately trying to sort it: is it a Good Text for disabled persons, or a Bad Text?

i try to resist that easy binary, because the answer is usually somewhere in between. that certainly seems to be the case for this week’s lectionary reading from Mark 9.

there’s so much wild stuff in Jesus’s little monologue in this lectionary passage, but let’s start with verses 43-47 (my rough translation incoming):

If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it all the way off; it is better for you to enter into The Life impaired than, while having two hands, to go away into the gehenna, into the unquenchable fire.

And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it all the way off! It is better for you to enter into The Life limping than, while having two feet, be cast into the gehenna.

And if your eye should cause you to stumble, cast it out; it is better for you to enter into the Kingdom of God one-eyed than, while having two eyes, be cast into the gehenna, where their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched. For everyone will be salted with fire.

oh lord, not the hell talk!! anything but hell talk!! this whole passage bristles with a million ways to misuse it. (homophobia cw: anyone else ever get told “if your sexuality causes you to sin, cut it off — this passage is proof gay people should be celibate!” just me?)

now, my focus is on what Jesus says here about disability, but as we talk about that, better ways of reading the text will come up. for instance, that last verse about how everyone will be salted with fire? to me, that suggests Jesus’ vision of this “gehenna” place does NOT = the standard Christian idea of hell. first off, it’s a place not of punishment, but purification — which is a word heavy with baggage these days...what if I say “reformation” instead? And if that’s the case, i imagine one’s stay there isn’t eternal — why bother reform people who are gonna be shut off in a fire-filled jail forever?

once those fires “purify” you, i imagine your stay is through and off you go into “The Life,” because you’ll finally be ready for it. so that’s one option for getting ready for The Life / The Kingdom of God — or, Jesus says, you can opt instead to get rid of the things that “cause you to stumble” in advance by......cutting off a limb or gouging out an eye??

now. i could be wrong but. if we start by taking this text as literally as possible, with physical stumbling and a physical limb-removal taking place......wouldn’t it be easier to avoid tripping if you’ve got two eyes to see obstacles with, two feet to step over potholes with?? even today when prosthetics are sometimes an option, there’s an adjustment period where you have to relearn walking.

so it seems that Jesus is making one of his trademark statements meant to subvert expectations -- the last will be first, the foolish are proven wise, and those with two feet are more likely to stumble. chances are, he’s not speaking literally. it’s not your literal foot or hand you should be chopping off -- it’s a metaphor for something else.

but before we consider what exactly it’s a metaphor for...where does this ironic little twist leave actually disabled persons? is it shitty of Jesus to be using disability in this way? is this like his “blind leading the blind” & “spiritually blind” comments elsewhere in the Gospels, where he stamps a disability with a moral judgement?

yeah, i do think it’s kinda crappy to use real disabilities for an object lesson, for hyperbolic effect, for shock value. “better to be impaired” (even tho, the subtext seems to be, It Sucks To Be Impaired) “than end up in Gehenna. Trade one terrible thing for a still bad but not as bad thing!” My impulse is thus to throw this passage right into the Bad Text box —except!

Except, i feel like this text holds some positive implications about how Jesus viewed disability, too. 

First off, there’s the implication that one can enter into “The Life” — abundant life, “the world to come,” God’s Kingdom — while disabled. (i wish that were just a given, but it’s not; it’s actually exciting to hear confirmed!)

In the Hebrew Bible (the “Old Testament,” the scriptures we share with our Jewish neighbors, the texts that Jesus would have read and known), the most common assumption about disability is unfortunately that disability = imperfection, and imperfection is something that should be kept out of contact with God.

Now, there are authors & stories within the Hebrew Bible that offer a counter-narrative to that assumption! Two quick examples: Exodus 4 establishes Moses as having a speech impediment, yet he has many close encounters with the Divine. Meanwhile, in Isaiah 56:1-8, God not only welcomes in eunuchs — whom Deuteronomy 23:1 forbade from entering God’s Assembly — but even gives them a place of honor there!

So Jesus’s perspective is not brand new; he simply continues the counter-narrative that other Jewish rabbis and prophets established before him. Still, it is significant that he takes the status-quo-subverting perspective that actually, disability and wholeness are not at odds!

While Jesus’s primary aim with this little passage is not about disability, his weird self-disabling metaphor does imply an attitude of welcome for disabled persons, in that he seems to take it for granted that disabled persons are not barred from The Life of wholeness and abundance he’s talking about.

It’s obvious to him that they don’t even need to be made not-disabled to get there! (Plus, there is no suggestion that once there, one regrows one’s lopped-off limbs or eye / becomes abled again.) This isn’t the only time Jesus expresses this idea of disabilities present in God’s Kingdom, either — my fave is the parable of the banquet in Luke 14 (i have a whooole video about that passage, if you’re interested).

Moreover, Jesus’s closing remarks about salt — which at first glance seem to be something of a non sequitur — can be linked to the Gehenna fire stuff when it comes to the theme of im/purity. Let’s look at that last verse of the lectionary reading, which follows right after Jesus’s claim that “everyone will be salted with fire”:

“Salt is good; but if salt becomes unsalty, with what will you season it? Hold salt in yourselves, and keep peace with one another.”

Another weird little riddle from our favorite riddle-master. unsalty salt? instructions to stay salty?

One way to read this is to focus on the purifying and preserving uses of salt — the way it can keep food from going bad, which was particularly important in a time before refrigerators. in the previous verses, Jesus told his disciples what to cut off — anything that impedes them on the way into abundant Life. Now, he tells them what to hold on to — the stuff that, like salt, clean out harmful things and preserve helpful things, thus enabling abundant Life.

So yeah. In naming something culturally considered an imperfection — disability — as something that can easily enter The Life, no problem, Jesus is making an argument for what is truly impure, what truly impedes wholeness. And it’s not disability! ...So what is it? What are these stumbling blocks that Jesus likens to feet, hands, and eyes?

To find out, we have to rewind to the start of the lectionary reading, a comment from the disciple John that actually kicks off Jesus’s whole spiel:

John informed him, “Teacher, we saw someone throwing out demons in your name, and we stopped him, because he wasn’t following our way.”

But Jesus said, “Do not ever prevent him! For there is no one who will do a powerful work in my name, and will be quickly able to speak evil of me. For whoever is not against us, is for us. Whoever might give you a cup of water to drink because you are in Christ’s name, amen I say to you, that one will not utterly lose his reward.”

The disciples have a certain way of seeing the world, and their actions against someone who is not one of them, but still using Jesus’s name to cast out demons, show us what that way is. They see the world in terms of us vs. them, in vs. out, one right way and many wrong ways. It’s this perspective that impedes them from supporting other people’s kin(g)dom-building work when it differs from their own.

But Jesus tells them they need to stop thinking this way, and start recognizing that there isn’t just one road to the Kin(g)dom, but many — and to quote Jesus’s words from other parts of scripture, you’ll know that someone’s work is good when it produces good fruit. This dude might be doing things differently from how they do it, but the fruits of his efforts are good — the casting out of demons, which frees people up for new life. So don’t stop him — support him! Be glad for his work!

To sum up the entire passage now that I’ve laid it all out and shown how the seemingly-disjointed parts of Jesus’s speech connect, I see his argument as something like this: “That dude you tried to stop is not against us; we can see that by the consequences of his actions, which are positive! His goals are the same as ours, so don’t hinder him just because his path is different from yours! Now, here’s an example of people/behaviors that ARE against us: people who cause little ones to stumble. And you know what you should do with such stumble-makers (or else the stumble-causing behaviors/attitudes)? Cut them off. Let go of anyone or anything that keeps you from abundant life, from the liberation God intends for all. Meanwhile, hold on to the things which purify you like salt — the things that liberate you to enter wholeness. Do it now of your own accord, or accept that it’ll happen later, and it won’t be very fun.”

To reiterate what all of that has to do with disability theology, I’ll share what my friend Laura said when I brought all these ideas to them. (Laura is the host of the Autistic Liberation Theology podcast, which i highly recommend for anyone who wants to hear more Bible stories told through a disability lens!)

Laura noted how common perspectives around dis/ability lead people wrong today, impeding our liberation. Our society teaches us that in order to function as whole persons, we need to be able-bodied (and neurotypical), and that the kinds of accommodations that disabled persons require limit their quality of life. When those ableist assumptions are the lens through which we view the world, that can “cause us to stumble” in the metaphorical sense — can impede us from loving ourselves and one another fully, and from fully participating in the diverse Kin(g)dom of God.

They offered two examples:

When a person with a mobility impairment that could be improved with a wheelchair avoids using that wheelchair because of internalized ableism, preferring the increased suffering that walking more than their body can healthily do over being “wheelchair bound,” that internalized ableism is a stumbling block keeping them from abundant life. Learning to let go of those beliefs, to use a wheelchair when they need to, will — contrary to that “wheelchair bound” language — bring liberation. 

Their next example imagined a parent who puts their autistic child through ABA therapy in order to get them to talk, make eye contact, and otherwise behave like a non-autistic person, due to the belief that autistic persons are missing elements of a full personhood, or that they can only live a happy life if they learn how to mask their autistic traits. However, in reality, ABA therapy brings the child pain and trauma — it impedes rather than enables their quality of life. Letting go of that need for your child to communicate through spoken language and otherwise behave like an allistic will make room for celebration of who they really are!

As Jesus’s comments in this passage imply, a disabled person can enter into “The Life” of wholeness and kinship that is the Kin(g)dom of God just as they are. To try to sever their disability from them would be the hindrance to that liberation. To deny that there are many ways to participate in the Body of Christ  impedes the incoming Kin(g)dom.

So let’s take this message to heart. Let’s consider what points of view, what assumptions about what is necessary for wholeness, are currently keeping us from abundant life, or causing us to stop others from their abundance-bringing work. It’s time to learn how to let those harmful assumptions go — and hold tight to the things that bring true wholeness.

For more on this text, check out my translation notes, which include a lot of commentary from D. Mark Davis’s own exegetical work.

For more on disability theology, you might enjoy my #disability theology tag on tumblr or my Disabled AND Blessed YouTube series. This video exploring the many different perspectives on disability found within the Bible is particularly pertinent.

Finally, what do you think? What good news do you hear in this Mark 9 text? What parts of it feel like a stumbling block for you, dredging up hurt or confusion?

[kittyprincessofcats]

RWBY Volume 8, Episode 13 (Worthy)

Well, wow. That sure was an episode that happened.

Thoughts under the cut.

Anyone who leaves spoilers for episode 14 on this will get blocked.

- First of all, I want to now talk about the spoiler I saw for this episode last week, to put the anger from my last post into context: After I had just finished watching episodes 8-12 and started writing my post about them, I went into one of the RWBY tags bc I’m dumb and saw a post that said (I don’t remember the exact words, but more or less): “I’m so glad Yang is finally dead, so now her fans can shut up about her and everyone can ship Blacksun instead.”

… Yeah. Imagine seeing that when you haven’t seen the actual episode and have no idea what really happened. I honestly completely panicked for a few minutes, before remembering I don’t actually know anything and this might just be a “Weiss gets impaled in Volume 5, but one episode later it turns out she’ll be fine” situation. So then I had to look up what actually happened to Yang, because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to sleep. So, to the person who made that post: Fuck you. Not only did you freak people out for no reason (because come on, there’s no way falling into the void actually kills you – and even if it does, we at least definitely don’t know that for sure after episode 13), but even if Yang had actually died, it’s super shitty that your first reaction to a beloved queer character’s death would be “yay, now people can ship my m/f ship instead”. Like, I don’t care if you personally dislike Yang/ dislike Bumbleby/ prefer Blacksun – show a little bit of decency.

Phew. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest because it really made me angry. Now let’s get into the actual episode:

- “Worthy” as a title pretty much already made me predict that Cinder would succeed in her plan, since “you have to be worthy” was what Watts told her in his speech. She’s gotten the message and is now back to efficient plans – and while I love to see it, it also very much scares me when it comes to our heroes’ survival chances. The last time Cinder was doing well, we lost Pyrrha, so… help.

- And gosh, this whole episode was so intense! I feel like it mostly set up a bunch of very intense situations that are going to escalate in the last episode that I’m very much not ready for.

- I still think the whole central location between the worlds is really beautiful, if dangerous. (They should have specified to Ambrosius that they want handrails or something.)

- Nora using her hammer like a witch’s broom was amazing.

- I also loved the scene with Jaune and the people at the train station; that was really funny.

- The middle of the desert might not have been the best place for the exit. Didn’t the group consider that there might be a sandstorm or something else unpredictable out there? Couldn’t they have picked a better exit point?

- Cinder causing an explosion in the middle of the evacuation that throws multiple people into the void was bad and all – but it was still one hell of an entrance!

- I love that now that Cinder realized that she has to rely on teamwork, she’s suddenly being so nice to everyone. Apologizing to Neo, complimenting Watts on “tearing the kingdom apart with nothing but his intellect”, that soft “You deserve this, Arthur”, complimenting Team RWBY on their plan, thanking them for teaching her “one last lesson”. Yeah, maybe she’s just talking to Neo and Watts like this because she needs their help, and to Team RWBY because she’s confident she’ll win – but it’s still amazing to see the shift in her attitude and how she’s clearly changed her tactic.

- It’s insane to me that some people correctly predicted that Cinder would ask Jinn the last question based JUST on the fact that there’s a part in the opening where everyone else freezes in time while she walks past them. Holy hell! I love trying to guess stuff based on the intro, but I would have never thought that far.

- Cinder’s question to Jinn seems like a waste considering it was Jinn’s last question, but maybe it just seems that way to us as viewers because Jinn didn’t reveal anything we didn’t already know. Was it the right thing for Cinder to do? I don’t know, to be honest. Yes, it did give her the chance to ruin the heroes’ plans, but I have a feeling Salem won’t be happy about the question being gone. Pretty sure Salem was going to ask Jinn how to get the Beacon relic, and now she can’t do that. (Cinder ruining Salem’s plans for the beacon relic? Let that be foreshadowing, please.) I mean, maybe it’s worth it from Salem’s POV if it gets them the staff and then she’ll have 2 of the 4 relics – but they could have still gotten the staff later, while I don’t know if Salem has any plan B for the beacon relic. And I’m a little worried about Cinder now. I always thought that Salem wouldn’t kill Cinder no matter what, because she still needs the Fall Maiden for the beacon relic – but if she now has to wait another 100 years for the beacon relic anyway, I’m not sure if she’ll have a reason to keep Cinder alive. (And I’m still worried about that “Some lives will end much too soon” line playing over that scene of Cinder clutching her Grimm arm in the opening.) I also wonder if Cinder even knew that this was Jinn’s last question. Did Jinn even tell her that? Also, when will the 100 years even be up? Do the questions just reset every 100 years regardless of when they were used? So maybe we’re already at year 80 or something and will only have to wait 20 years?

- The cut from everyone at the central command place screaming to them being dead was kinda funny in a “very dark humour” way.

- When Harriet first jumped onto that ship with the bomb, I, like an idiot, thought that she was finally being sensible and trying to get the bomb as far away from Atlas and Mantle as possible, not that she was trying to still drop it on Mantle. She and Ironwood might as well be working for Salem’s team at this point, because they’re doing everything to help the villains’ plan. And the villains are even counting on it! Watts freed Ironwood from his cell and is piloting Harriet’s ship. Those two are just straight up helping Salem’s team in their attempts to… what was it? Save Atlas?

- Ironwood killing Jacques was awful and proves once again that Ironwood has zero morals left. And I didn’t like Jacques, but that was the kind of death that absolutely no one deserves. He had no way to escape or fight back, he was defenseless, locked up in a prison cell with nowhere to run – that’s not just a murder, that’s an execution without a trial. And Jacques wasn’t even a threat, he wasn’t in the way of any of Ironwood’s plans. Ironwood killed him literally just because he could. And no one who thinks they’re the good guy (and Ironwood still thinks he’s the good guy) should go around just killing people who aren’t even a threat.

- And then we have Yang falling into the void. Honestly, as heartbreaking as Blake’s sobs and anger are, I kind of love this from a “supreme angst, let’s see my faves suffer” perspective. That said, Yang better actually be fine or else.

- Actually, my prediction is that the rest of team RWBY will jump into the void to save Yang in the last episode. Because they’re all falling in the opening, and because “Sometimes it’s worth it all to risk the fall and fight for every life”. That’s pretty much the only prediction I feel somewhat confident about, for the rest I have no idea.

- I wonder if it would have been better if Penny had just gone through the doorway and gotten the staff to Vacuo. I get why she didn’t, because Yang just fell and her other friends were in danger… but at the same time, she was supposed to protect the population and the staff (and she has the maiden powers that I’m sure Cinder still wants). If she had just gotten out of there, at least the group in Vacuo would have had some help against the sandstorm and the Grimm. But then again, it would have also severely weakened Term RWBY’s chances against Cinder and Neo… it’s a tough call, really.

- “Why didn’t you just learn your lesson?” “Oh, Penny… I did.” Okay, but that’s the thing: She really did! Just not the lesson Penny wanted her to learn. And notice how Cinder called Penny by her first name again? She didn’t use to do that. I still think somewhere down the line Penny has earned her respect.

- I wonder if Penny’s technically weaker now because she’s human (?? is she??). She’s definitely not used to fighting without her robotic parts (as you can see when she tries to reach for her swords and realizes they’re not there anymore). I summoning those swords like she then did her semblance or another maiden power?

- Blake now has to choose between helping Ruby and helping Penny and Weiss – gosh, the suspense…

- I’m glad Vine at least finally tried to stop Harriet now! (Better late than never.) But I really wouldn’t blame Qrow and Robyn for crashing into their ship. It’s not like they had any way of knowing that Vine was trying to talk sense into Harriet. Also, Qrow crashing through Harriet’s windscreen was amazing.

- Winter and Ironwood are going to fight to the death and I’m so scared of it. (I just need Winter to survive, please…)

- When Weiss described the doorway as a “one-way ticket to Vacuo” last episode, I briefly wondered if that meant they wouldn’t be let back through, but then I brushed it aside and didn’t think about it too much anymore. Oh, damn. You really do have to be very specific with Ambrosius.

- I’m not even sure which location is the best to be in right now because they all seem very unsafe: Atlas and Mantle are unsafe because Atlas is falling, because Mantle might still get blown up by Harriet, and because Salem might still come back any time. The place between worlds is unsafe because of the void and because there’s a big fight happening right there. And Vacuo is unsafe because of the Grimm and the sandstorm. So really, they’re all awful for the civilians right now.

- And now I’m thinking the volume might actually end with the protagonists split into three groups as well: Team RWBY in the void (that they’ll spend Volume 9 finding their way back from), one half of the other characters in Vacuo (Oscar, Ren, Emerald, maybe more?), and the other half still in Atlas/Mantle (Qrow, Robyn, Marrow, Winter, maybe more).

- I’m super nervous about the last episode. I haven’t seen any spoilers at all so far, and I plan to keep it that way. I’ll probably completely ignore anything RWBY-related until next week because the anxiety would kill me otherwise. I’m really worried we’ll get a character death or even several. And ironically, my first prediction on who might die this Volume (Penny, Nora, Winter, Cinder) hasn’t changed all that much. I’m worried about Penny because she has the Maiden Powers and the staff, so Cinder will come after her (but I really think it would be an awful writing choice to kill her off after we just went through so much to save her). I’m very worried about Winter because she’s engaged in a duel to the death with a man who has a big canon that he just blew someone up with. I’m worried for Cinder because of the opening and because Salem might be pissed at her for using the last question. I’m worried for everyone who’s still on Atlas and might get blown up by the bomb (Qrow, Robyn, Marrow, Winter again). And I’m very worried for the characters who are in the in-between realm. Not so much Team RWBY, but I’m worried about Nora, Jaune, and Penny. So yeah, I’m pretty much worried about everyone and very much not ready. Now let me ignore RWBY’s existence for a week – or only reblog posts I already have saved as drafts – because it’s the only way I’ll know peace.

[queer-disabled-activist]

Jon Cain: Journey songs about being a bad bf/very soppy masterlist

I got the idea last night of making this list and I think it is genius. Jon Cain is the ballad and soppy songs royal. Before he came into the band they wrote sexy songs, when he arrived it became ballads and songs about Jon being a bad boyfriend. I will explore in chronological order from “Escape” to “Arrival” I haven’t familiarised myself that much with “Revelation” and “Eclipse” yet, and after all; 5 albums will give us a lot of material of soppy and Jon complaining about being a bad boyfriend. I will find key lyrics, kinda to prove that Jon is the soppy, bad boyfriend royal complainer. This will be the longest list yet. Except for “Faithfully” Jon didn’t write the songs alone, will list the songwriters to each song as well, but you can tell that he has the most influence. My opinions about how I interpret the song is my own, you may feel otherwise; music feels different to as all after all. Lets start, and enjoy!

Escape

- “Who’s Crying Now” (J Cain/S Perry)

One of his first soppy bad boyfriend songs.In this one he made his girlfriend cry then he also started to cry, I imagine it was bc he wanted sympathy. The song is okay, but not my fave; none of the ballads really are. Key lyrics:

“One love, feeds the fire One heart, burns desire I wonder who's crying now? Two hearts, born to run Who'll be the lonely one? I wonder who's crying now?”

- “Open Arms” - (J Cain/S Perry)

This is Journey’s highest charting hit, peaking at nr. 2 at the Billboard Hot 100, can you believe? Because I can’t. It is soppy. It’s about Jon and his girlfriend who has drifted apart, he wants her back of course, for his own selfish reasons I bet. Girl please, don’t go back into his “Open Arms”. Key lyrics:

“Living without you, living alone This empty house seems so cold Wanting to hold you Wanting you near How much I wanted you home”

Frontiers

We have arrived at the sexless album. There is no sex here, only Jon being soppy.

- “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)”(J Cain/S Perry)

This is one of their heavier songs, but it’s still full of the soppy and Jon assuring that he will be the best bf ever this time around, don’t believe him. Key lyrics:

“Someday, love will find you Break those chains that bind you One night will remind you How we touched and went our separate ways

If he ever hurts you True love won't desert you You know I still love you Though we touched and went our separate ways”

- “Send Her My Love” (J Cain/S Perry)

This as “Faithfully” is basically the same songs with some different wording. This woman was smart enough to break up with him because he was on the road and not there for her though, which I applaud. Key lyrics:

“The same hotel, the same old room I'm on the road again She needed so much more Than I could give

We knew our love could not pretend Broken hearts can always mend”

- “Chain Reaction” (J Cain/N Schon/S Perry)

One of the heavier songs again, make no mistake though. In this one he’s blaming a woman for the chain reaction at that she made him go through all these changes, like bitch; that is your own responsibility Jon.

“In motion, it's on her way The red light Somebody's got to pay Those changes She put you through Long, long distance You're overdue”

- “After The Fall” (J Cain/ S Perry)

In this one he atleast admits that he’s been a shitty boyfriend, which is a first, but he also wallows in self pitty. If you cannot make time to send your gf a Valentines card when you’re out on the road there’s something wrong with your priorities Jon. Key lyrics:

“But a head strong stubborn man Only works it out the best he can Valentines he never sent There's not enough time he's a working man

Can't stop falling Heartaches calling Finds you after the fall Saints or sinners Take no prisoners What's left - after you fall No not much no”

- “Faithfully” (J Cain)

The soppiest song of them all. It’s Jon complaining about being a bad bf bc he’s out touring all the time and he tries to assure his woman that he is faithfull, which is probably true because Jon is not really a catch. Jon wrote this song entierly on his own, it shows. That is also why I cannot get myself to listen to this song. Key lyrics:

“Oh, oh, oh, oh Faithfully, I'm still yours I'm forever yours Ever yours, faithfully”

Raised On Radio

- “Girl Can’t Help it” (J Cain/S Perry/N Schon)

This song is about a girl needing more than her man (Jon I pressume) I do not blame her. Key lyrics:

“The girl can't help it, she needs more He hasn't found what he's lookin' for They're still standing in the rain He can't help it, and she's just that way”

- “Positive Touch” (J Cain/S Perry/N Schon)

By the title you might think that the man is talking about his gf’s positive touch, but no. Cheating is not cool Jon. Key lyrics:

“Emergency breakthrough There's no way to reach you There's somebody else I'll turn to

She (she's) has got the positive touch (touch) She's bringing love back to me, yeah, back to me. I said-- She, (she's) to me means so much (much) She's saving it all for me, yeah”

- “Suzanne” (J Cain/S Perry)

This was on the sex mentions list, but it deserves a place here to. This is about Suzanne who has become famous and the man wondering if she still remembers him. Let it go Jon, she has gone on living her best life. Key lyrics:

“Remember...our last September... Suzanne, so far away Remember Suzanne, those summer nights with me Suzanne, don't walk away, I love you Suzanne I'm still callin' you Suzanne...no no no no no remember Those summer nights with me, those summer nights”

- “Once You Love Somebody” (J Cain/ S Perry/ N Schon)

This is about love and how hard it can be. Jon sops over that it can hurt, so, so much. Key lyrics:

“How can lovers just turn and walk away Loneliness is an edge that cuts both ways So easy to fall So hard to get over”

- “Happy To Give” (J Cain/ S Perry)

Jon is complaining about heartache and that he needs someone who will be “happy to give”, don’t give it to him, he will hurt you. Key lyrics:

“ Where is the one, someone who's happy (happy to give) Happy to be with you, it's where you belong, with someone Who's happy (happy to give) happy to give you love”

- “I’ll Be Alright Without You” (J Cain/ S Perry/N Schon)

Jon has been a shitty bf, the woman has broken up with him and now he’s complaining. Key lyrics:

“I've been thinking 'bout the times You walked out on me There were moments I'd believe, you were there Do I miss you, or am I lying to myself again I do these things (It's all because of you) I keep holding on, but I'll try (Try not to think of you) Love don't leave me lonely”

- “It Could Have Been You”  (J Cain/S Perry/N Schon)

Another song where the gf has broken up with him to go on and live her best life, he is once again complaining. Key lyrics:

“We were so close yet so far away I'd reach out, you'd be gone Moments that still talk my breath away There's so much more to life than loving you You don't need me, no...”

Trial By Fire

- “Message Of Love” (John Bettis/J Cain/S Perry/N Schon)

He is ready to give his all to a woman. He is complaining, trying to send her his message of love, also he wants to die apparently. Key lyrics:

“Why, have I waited so long to be there...for you Now, now I'm ready to give everything...to you Now love's here, where are you?” and  “I hear...but I never listen I see...and still I'm blind All alone...lost in the silence, I'm dyin' Baby can you hear me Can you hear me callin' Baby can you hear my Message of love Baby can you hear me Can you hear me callin' Baby can you hear my Message of love”

- “When You Love A Woman” (J Cain/S Perry/N Schon)

This song is a good lind of soppy and I love it. It’s about praising the woman, I am here for it. Key lyrics:

“ When you love a woman You see your world inside her eyes When you love a woman (Well) You know she's standing by your side A joy that lasts forever There's a band of gold that shines Waiting somewhere, oh, yeah”

- “If He Should Break Your Heart” (J Cain/S Perry/ N Schon)

This is about Jon still being in love with a woman that has moved on to another man, good for her. He wants her back (don’t do it) and proclaims that he will be there if he breaks her heart. Apparently they were also in a room together and he has very lonely hands. Key lyrics:

“Is this right I don't care I'm alone with you Here we are, once again you've got someone new Lonely hands, please don't do what you want to do

If he should break your heart I'll always know where you are If you should fall apart I'll be there, I'll be around”

- “Forever In Blue” (J Cain/S Perry N Schon)

This is about Jon falling for a woman that already has a bf, he is heartbroken and complains. Key lyrics:

“And on the night she told me that She had another I was broken by the truth I discovered, I knew oh I knew

Two hearts, reach for each other Once chance, she's like no other I'm lost, lost in the dream of you 'Cause it's true oh I'm forever, forever in blue... in blue”

“Don’t Be Down On Me Baby” (J Cain/S Perry/N Schon)

This is about Jon cheating and complaining that his gf blames him, blame yourself Jon. Key lyrics:

“Those little things, you say I do Well they might be true Tell me what good does it do When things go wrong, I'm the first you blame I try another way, still someone's gotta pay

Don't be down on me baby Down on me girl I get lost sometimes In my crazy world”

- “Still She Cries” (J Cain/S Perry/N Schon)

I love this song with a passion, but it’s still very soppy. He remembers when times were good, and then when times were bad when she cried, bet he hurt her somehow. Key lyrics:

“I wish I could forget I hear her voice in the night, cries of joy We were good, good, good, I still recall how we'd touch, how we'd fall We were good, good, good

Still she cries Somewhere, still she cries No one knows when lovers will walk away”

(I’m hopping over “When I think Of You” bc that’s about Steve’s mother)

- “It’s Just The Rain” (J Cain/S Perry)

This is about touching, but apparently not in a good way bc their souls are dying, they are blaming it on the rain, also it isn’t love it’s the rain that makes them crazy touch; ok. Key lyrics:

“Inside you keep on lyin' Inside your soul is dyin' You still can't hold back Still you can't say good-bye Touch me, touch me crazy How your kiss betrays me It's not the love, it's just the rain

Two broken hearts But not in vain No reasons why, no one's to blame It's not the love, it's just the rain It's just the rain, It's just the rain, It's just the rain, It's just the rain Falling, falling, falling It's just the rain”

- “Baby I’m Leaving You” (J Cain/S Perry N Schon)

This song is shady soppy. He is complaining, she wants to get married, he does not bc he likes the simple things and the moonlight. It’s also suggesting that she’s a hoe anyway bc boys she knew before comes knocking at her door. Steve and Neal has written a song before that suggests that the girl Stevie was dating was a hoe, so that is definitley their doing (”Where Were You”) Key lyrics:

“I like moonlight, simple things Now you want a diamond ring I got news for you Baby I'm leaving you

We both want a love that last Girl you're moving away too fast I live for your fantasy A real love is what I need”

“I Can See It In Your Eyes” (J Cain/S Perry/N Schon)

Jon is mad bc the girl he used to love is sexy. How dare she? She apparently needs to get a life bc she’s sexy. If she’s sexy and has the confidence to strut her sexy legs she’s already living her best life, yes work it gurl! Key lyrics:

“ Baby..Too bad...I used to love you girl I..Don't care..No more about your face No you..Make me mad...The way you cat around With your lips, your legs And all your sexy ways Do you got another lover now Do you think it's me you're foolin' now No..No”

and

“ Oh you...never hear A single word I say No you..turn away Where do you disappear Oh I've had enough You need to get a life It's all..so tired I think I'm out of here”

Arrival

The first album so far with a new lead singer. I adore Steve Augeri and his voice. He’s incredibly talented and has nothing to do with the bands drama. He got an oppurtunity to sing with Journey and he took it, good for you babe. (“Higher Place” is a kind of a soppy track, but it’s one of the only songs on this album that Jon doesn’t have any writing credits on, it’s written by Neal and some other guy, so leaving that out for now, we are here to focus on Jon.)

- “All The Way” (J Cain/S Augeri/N Schon/Taylor Rhodes)

I think this song has sex as a subtext without really mentoning it. He wants her to open up, not pull away or hesitate so he can take her all the way, I assume that means an orgasm. Can you believe? Jon in on writing a sex song? This is unbeliveable. Key lyric:

“Speak your heart and I will listen Don't hold back we'll find what's missing I'll take you all the way Close your eyes and think forever If you believe we go together I'll take you all the way

I'll take you all the way I'll take you all the way”

- “Signs Of Life” (Elizabeth Cain/J Cain/N Schon)

A woman has broken up with a man. He is devestated, sad but also wants to move on. I actually find this to be a good lyric. He is reminising about the good times, accepting the pain and wants to move on, good. Key lyrics:

“Lyin' next to me Were you ever mine Just wasted love and wasted time Did you ever find what you were lookin' for, The nights you took my breath away I'll miss your love Miss your touch, but this holdin' on it hurts too muchNow it's my time to walk away I'll be okay

Tryin' to not think about you I'm not a dead man walkin' without you You know I'll be alright I'm showing signs of life You left me barely breathin' I've had time for the healing Now I've opened my eyes I'm showing signs of life”

- “All The Things”  (Andre Pessis /J Cain/N Schon)

This is a good kind of soppy and I really enjoy this song. It’s praising a woman and basically listing up all the things he loves about her. The writing style is still very soppy, but I enjoy it anyway, that his whole world revolves around this woman is a bit creepy though. Key lyric:

“ My while world revolves around you Changing colors with the moon Keep amazing me I never get enough

You twist the truth still your're sincere To get your way you'll shed a tear Don't need a reason when you're beautiful”

- “Loved By You” (Cain/Hyler/Tribble)

A song about loving a woman in a very soppy way. He is thanking the world, hoping that if he dies the last thing that is said is her name. It is romantic soppy and way over the top, and yeah; it’s a ballad. Key lyric:

“ If I should die before I wake I'll go into the night whispering your name If lying in your arms is the last thing that I do At least I know that I'll be loved by you In about a hundred years from now When all of my love letters are found And someone reads these words I've written only meant for you They'll know how forever came true”

- “I Got A Reason” (Jack Blades /J Cain/N Schon)

He got a reason to feel alive because of a woman, apparently laying all the happines he has in her hands. She is his reason to live. Also there’s some sex her. I think Neal got some out of him, not bad. Key lyric:

“I got a reason to feel alive You put the smile on my face There'll be no more lonely nights in this town Oh no... no... 'cause I got a reason Oh no... no...I want your love... want you to stay... oh yeah You know you got me night and day Every day...”

- “With Your Love” (Elizabeth Cain/J Cain /N Schon)

This is basically a song about the same as in “I Got A reason” and “Loved By You” with different wording, there’s definitley a theme here, and “Arrival” is very ballad driven, Jon is an incredible soppy man and I am starting to get enough. Key lyric:

“On my own I searched for something more In your arms The kiss I've waited for I was lost for words To say what's in my heart Just to be close To the beauty that you are If someone could see To the end of our lives I know they'd find me there By your side”

- “Lifetime of Dreams” (J Cain / Kim Chadwick Tribble/N Schon)

Basically the same as any other ballad on this album, it has the same theme and the same meaning. Jon and Neal really went on the soppy train on this album and Jon is apparently unstoppable. Key lyric:

“When I look in your eyes baby I see a lifetime of dreams come true And I want you to say, that you feel the same Way too The stars in your eyes tell me All my tomorrows will wait for you You're all of my prayers answered My one saving grace is you”

- “Nothin’ Comes Close” (N Schon/J Cain/S Augeri)

Nothin’ comes close to your kiss. What more is there to say? It’s a song about kissing. Key lyric:

“I've been around the world, ain't much that I've missed It don't get much better then this...Oh baby Nothin' comes close to your kiss I've thought I felt it all before One taste and I want more...Oh baby Nothin' comes close to your kiss”

There are more soppy songs on this album that aren’t written by Jon at all, so those we are dropping.

Conclusion: Jon is the soppy master, the bad boyfriend master. I am up to 31 soppy and/or bad boyfriend songs. The count is much higher of course if you add the songs from “Revelation” and “Eclipse” but this is more than enough. I crown him to the bf/husband you never want to have

[bloody-wonder]

1) Andrew is my fave and I love him to bits and relate to him sooo much (which is kind of horrifying I know), sooo I kinda have some issues with what you said. Something like "if you want andrew to heal then you don't really love him/neil doesn't want him to change: that's real love" like ok cool but... wanting our loved ones to feel better is a big indicator of love. Like if it weren't for people who wanted me to feel better I'd prob be dead rn. They didnt love a version of me that didnt exist

2) and wanted me to become. They loved my shitty self and wanted me to feel better FOR ME. Saying that if a reader wants a character to heal then they don't love that character is a bit disturbing. It sounds like the shit those asshole who fetishize mental health issues and suffering would say to me (some legit told me that if my parents send me to a therapist it's because they hate me and want me to change). I think that anon was legit, after years I too would want my fave to feel better xx

just like the other anon you rephrased what i said to reflect something i didn’t say at all. like i said in my previous post, it’s not about “if you want andrew to heal you don’t really love him” - it’s about “will you still love andrew if he doesn’t undergo changes that you define as “healing”?” 

“if a reader wants a character to heal then they don't love that character“ (which i didn’t say) is not the same thing as “if a reader loves a character on condition that they change in a certain way and starts doubting their love if they don’t comply, it makes me wonder why they loved this character in the first place“ (which is what i was going for).

much less did i say that neil doesn’t want him to change. seriously guys where did you take all of this from? are we talking about the same post? i meant that neil loves andrew regardless of whether he changes or not and i think that’s very important and is one of the reasons they work so well together and understand each other whereas andrew’s family who only wanted him to change and “be fixed” failed to connect to him.

ofc we all want out loved ones and our fictional faves to feel better and live their best lives, but the moment we try to define what that means exactly disagreements arise. this, i repeat, is the reason why i try to avoid general words like “healing”. even “getting better” which is the least charged way to put it sometimes makes me question the meaning behind it: i think of the quote from lady bird “i want you to become the best version of yourself. - but what if this is the best version?”

i guarantee there isn’t a single person in the fandom who doesn’t want andrew to get better. but there are lots of people who have rather inflexible definitions of “getting better” and they will get angry when you disagree with them. they will accuse the author who presented an alternative way of “getting better” of denying andrew the happiness he deserves. they will frame some actions and behaviors as “healing” and imply that if andrew doesn’t engage in them it means he hasn’t “healed” which in turn implies he has failed, he isn’t worthy of consideration, we can’t like him when he is like this - which is exactly how people behaved towards andrew throughout his life.

hopefully you aren’t one of these fans and we can agree that there are different ways and paces of “getting better”. you choose the one that you can relate to more and i will choose mine - which, i want to repeat again, is the one where andrew comes to aaron’s wedding without neil having to convince him and is pretty chill throughout it - bcs different things work for different people. but the question remains: what if how andrew is in post-canon doesn’t exactly match what you or i want him to be? what do we do? do we like him still? do we like him but wish we didn’t?

the first anon brought that piece of extra content to me and asked for my thoughts. here they are. in the end, i think the value of nora’s controversial post-canon info lies exactly in the fact that it provokes such thoughts, regardless of whether you personally want to accept it as canon. i think that andrew mellows out as the time goes by bcs it makes me feel better. but knowing that i would still like him even if he didn’t also makes me feel pretty good.

[kiissme]

I’m feeling a kinda way so here we go. I put this in my pinned post, but not sure if everyone reads those. Awesome if you do, but if not, that’s okay, main reason I’m putting this up bc it’s such a thing with the rpc and i’m here to say I’m not about it and while its on my pinned post -- i never quite addressed it on the dash.

I don’t do cliques. Like.... I can’t stress this enough. I don’t do favorites, either. Like some of you I get along with and definitely consider friends and I know I can throw stuff at you and we’ll have a good time, but like, we click, we don’t clique. And that’s like such an important distinction between the two and I’m forever thankful about that. Now, the reason I don’t do cliques or faves is simply, I know how it feels when you’re NOT in the clique or someone’s favorite. Like.... so many times. The RPC is fickle af, I’ve had moments when I thought I clicked with someone only for them to suddenly ghost and drop  ( and often soft block, one time hard blocked and that was most DEFINITELY bc of their clique with each other -- the reason i hate the terms rp wife and husband ) me and lemme tell you, it’s the most shittiest feeling I’ve come across in the time I’ve taken up this little hobby of ours. I’ve had some horror stories, I’ll say that, but most of the time it was because I was not deemed worthy of their clique, therefore not deemed worthy of the partnership or friendship. And ooh, buddy, that can kinda hurt.

Also, I don’t want to be in a clique, because I honestly would hate if anyone felt like I have. That feeling of being left out bc not cool enough. Or just, well, not enough. Because we are. If you allow me to be mean and petty, maybe the folks that don’t deem you enough are the ones truly not enough ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Don’t get me wrong, there are valid reasons to drop people. They make you uncomfortable, you don’t click and you’ve tried to, you find out some stuff that like, oh no, but that comes back to the uncomfortable point or maybe they don’t respect your writing or you as a person, then yeah, totally drop them. But because they don’t fit in with your little group?? Nah.

I’ve always said time and time again that I want this blog to be as open to as many people as possible. Is it daunting sometimes? Hell yes, I have a mountain of drafts. Does that stop me? No, because I’m greedy. Greedy for threads, attention, and above all partnerships and friendships. I’m never gonna have enough of those, but I want it to be known that even when i click with someone, I will not clique with them. I’m not gonna put anyone above someone else, the only reason I would write someone’s thing first is 1) they ask if I want to back and forth and even then I’ll be alternating between them and my other stuff and 2) they liked my dibs post which, again, I’ll be alternating. Will it mean it would take forever for me to get to your stuff? Probably, but again, that’s what the dibs post is for, if you’re really feeling a thread and want a response, then like the hell out of it. I try really hard for every one of my partners to feel included, especially and more importantly, if they put in the same effort themselves, if they don’t leave me questioning if they’re as invested as I am because otherwise, another shitty feeling approaches 🙃

I basically want everyone to be happy, even if it means effort from me, not above myself but just decent effort of not making someone feel like shit. And it’d be awesome if the same decency was extended toward me, because hey, I’m really trying over here. And I can’t do that with cliques because really, I thrive on one on one partnerships and I treasure them the same, I’ve never handled that group mentality well because sometimes your friends don’t get along with your other friends and that seems like such a disaster waiting to happen. And I’ll always make that effort, which doesn’t seem an effort really, to always respond to you via IM for plotting or chatting or what have you, because connecting to a partner is super important to me. Ideas flow more if I can shoot the shit with you or throw plot ideas and your responses makes me more comfortable throwing out more. I’m needy but I’m owning it. You could take forever replying to a thread, but taking forever responding to a plot idea hits me different and hits me hard. It’s a very, “Oh 😧” feeling and I try never to do that.

So, yes. No cliques, no favorites, all about the one on one interaction. And above all, no making anyone feel shitty or doubting themselves as enough. Something I will not stand for. Ever. I’ve been there, and no one deserves that.

tldr; I don’t do cliques bc they’re incredibly counter productive and i’m gonna say it, at times, elitist. we can click, but we won’t clique. i am not about making people feel shitty because i know how that feels. communication is super important. I wanna write with all of you.

Thank you, back to your scrolling.

[shes-fast-like-me]

i know how much it matters to you

i know how much it matters to you

AO3 Link

Pairing(s): Established Lifetane, Gibby x his boyfriend

Word Count: 1,791

Warnings: Mentions of childhood neglect and bad parents, discussion of mental illness and trauma, alcohol. (Tell me if you feel anything else should be tagged!)

may was borderline personality disorder awareness month (alongside being adhd awareness and mental health awareness month in general) so i decided to project onto my fave. the symptoms of it aren’t 100% being portrayed here but this is something i feel like a lot of us relate to so?? idk man emotional impermanence be like that

=+=+=+=

"Here comes the big man himself!" Elliott called, twisting around in his seat to wave Makoa over to sit with them in the living space.

"Show us the ring!" Ajay beamed as the tall man made his way over to the other Legends gathered around their small makeshift coffee table. He held out his hand, a rather dainty bejeweled silver ring on his ring finger. Everyone cooed over it.

"You're so lucky, man," Elliott said, handing Makoa a beer as he sat down on the couch next to him, "congrats."

"Aye, thanks bruddahs," Makoa grinned from ear to ear. The man was always bright and full of smiles but Octavio swore he has never seen him this happy. He was almost radiant.

"When's the weddin'?" Ajay asked, sitting back against Octavio's side and sipping on her mocktail. She always hated alcohol so the drink was as fruity and non-alcoholic as Elliott could possibly mix up.

"Spring of next year," Makoa said, "We want some time on our honeymoon before the next season, so,"

Everyone nodded in agreement. The season breaks between spring and summer were a little longer than the autumn to winter breaks and since Makoa was proposed to this spring it gave them extra time to plan everything. Makoa and his fiancé had relatives all over the Frontier and would probably want to plan the wedding at a time when the most family members could attend. And the other Legends, of course.

"So," Octavio set his empty cocktail glass down and picked up a can of beer off the table. He could get a little drunk, it was only their first night back onto the dropship, the new season kicking off in two days. "Any idea for wedding gifts?"

He was loaded. He could afford pretty much anything they wanted.

"Ah, no, it's no problem, bruddah-"

"No, no, I insist," He decided to pour the beer into his empty glass anyway, not wanting to waste the ice cubes still sitting at the bottom, "anything you like, I got it."

Makoa laughed. "Just you showing up is enough for me."

"Alright," Octavio sat down into the headrest but still decided he was going to buy Makoa and his fiancé something anyway. After all, that's what you do at weddings, right? Octavio has been to many weddings before, many of them being his own father's, and the couple was always gifted a fancy car or yacht or something of the sort.

He mostly just tuned out the rest of the conversation. Talk of weddings always reminded him of his dad and how weddings were a near weekly occurance for him. He wanted to go for Makoa's sake, of course, and he would force himself to even if Ajay told him it was okay to stay home if it got too overwhelming. He'd just get blackout drunk at the party and probably just dissociate the whole evening, but he was willing to do that for his friend.

Later that evening, Octavio lay on Ajay's bed as they watched anime together on the small holo-TV provided in their temporary rooms. Octavio buried his face into Ajay's pink hair as they spooned, his arm around her waist. He would've fallen asleep if his anxiety wasn't keeping him up. If he had his legs on right now they'd be tapping away furiously, probably disturbing Ajay from watching the show altogether. Octavio kinda missed tapping his feet, he couldn't sleep without moving them and now that he didn't have them he'd imagine the sensation, like a ghost, and get sad whenever he realized it wasn't real. But that's such a small thing to get upset about.

His fingers grazed against the skin showing between Ajay's t-shirt and her sweatpants, tapping on the waistband as he worked up the courage to ask a question that has been itching at his brain all evening.

"Baby?" he said, uncertain of how to begin. She looked at him over her shoulder. "Have you ever thought.... about marriage?"

Instantly he cringed at the phrasing and tried to fix it. "I mean, not to me, necessarily. I'm just wondering- If you ever want to get married?"

She looked back towards the TV with a smile. "Depends who's askin'," she replied simply, "not at the moment though, I'm too busy. But it would be nice in the future."

Octavio bit his lip and really had the urge to tap his missing feet. The fear ached in his chest and he could feel his hands sweating. "I don't think I wanna get married," he said it quickly, almost afraid to hear her reaction. Verbally retracting as if he expected her to hit him or something. Why was that his instinctual reaction? No one ever hit him for speaking out.

She looked down at his hand and lightly brushed her fingers over his knuckles. "That's fine," she said but he couldn't pick up the tone. It made it feel worse. Was she upset? Was she hoping for a different answer?

"It's not," it took all his strength not to let his voice crack, assuming that she wasn’t satisfied with his answer. She turned to look at him properly. He tried to blink away the tears starting to form in his eyes.

"Babe, it's all fine. We don't have to get married. You don't have to get married, ever, if that's what makes you comfortable."

"But I want to," he said, voice trembling. "I want to make you happy if that’s what you want."

"I don't need marriage to be happy in life." She held his hand comfortingly and traced circles into it. "Besides, who says I'm gon' marry you?" She joked and he loved the way her nose scrunched up when she smiled at him. It lifted some of the weight off his chest and he smiled at the joke despite the tears.

"Okay," he swallowed and wiped the tears from his eyes, his fingers shaking.

"It's alright," she pushed the hair out of his eyes. He admired all the freckles dotting her skin. If Ajay let him stare at her for a while he could count them and maybe calm down a little bit, but that'd be weird of him to ask.

He let out a breath, "it's just," the tears were back but the tension of holding them in and bottling everything up was gone, "I don't want to be like my father."

"You're not." She whispered and studied his face as he continued.

"I don't wanna have kids and have them go through the same shit I did." Tears spilled from his eyes and down the sides of his cheeks. It hurt to think about treating his kids the way he was treated. He didn't even think his childhood had affected him that much until now. But it did, it hurt, it hurt to be ignored your whole life and live with no constants. He was constantly scared of everyone abandoning him, of things being taken away from him. Everything was so temporary to him, even Ajay. What if they got married and one day she decided she didn't love him anymore? How would he even handle something like that? He'd be crushed.

"You're not ya father," Ajay said calmly, bringing his hand up to her lips and kissing his knuckles, "and I've seen ya with my li'l cousins. You'd be a great dad. You said yaself you'd never want to hurt them the way your dad did, so you won't. Not intentionally."

"Do you think my father intended to hurt me?" He asked, his tone a little more passionate than he had intended it to be. "Obviously it was out of his control how I would react to-"

"Tavi, he did awful things to ya. You're allowed to be upset about it."

"But if I don't make excuses for him, how can I excuse my own shitty actions?" He covered his face and dug his palms into his eye sockets, blocking her out from his blurry view. "I'm even worse." His voice broke.

"You're not. You're ill. Ya just need some time and help to get things right. You're taking those steps. Your father never even considered that. That's what makes ya better than him."

It's true, he did have a therapist now, trying to help him manage the many disorders and issues he got stuck with. And he was trying so hard to be better, but it all felt so useless sometimes when he kept acting like this, being like this. Whenever he relapsed, whenever he split on someone, whenever he acted out or isolated or dissociated or cried. He always felt like he was taking steps backwards, not forwards.

"Listen, I know recovery's not easy for ya," she tapped her fingers on his chest and he moved his hands from his face to look at her as she spoke. "But you're pushin’ through it regardless. And I'm gon' be here for ya all the way through it, ya hear me? I'm not goin’ anywhere."

"Everyone says that." He sniffled.

"Yeah, well, I mean it," she said, "and I'll promise this to ya, that I won't leave ya alone no matter how hard it gets." She looked directly into his eyes, her soft voice calming his thoughts.

"Here," she said and took a beaded bracelet off her wrist. It was one of those kandi bracelets she sometimes wore, this one pink and purple with the word "LOVE" spelled out on it. "It's a promise." She held it out to him.

He looked at her hand, puzzled.

"It's like a promise ring. It should make ya feel better to have a physical representation of my promise to ya. I read that it helps with BPD to-"

He sat up and hugged her. "Thank you," he murmured into her shoulder. She pat his back and when they released each other he took the bracelet and put it on his wrist. "Thank you, " he breathed out again.

"Ya welcome." She smiled softly and honestly, her smile momentarily lit up the room. He was so lucky to have her.

"Now, can we finish the show? This next episode's the best one." She gestured with the remote to the paused screen. He hadn't even noticed when she paused it to speak to him. He smiled and nodded, laying back down on his side, her snuggling into him as she pressed 'play'.

"I'm sorry if I ruined the evening." He apologized.

"Ya didn't. I still love ya." She said and took his hand in hers, their fingers intertwined.

And after watching that magical girl show and breathing in her flowery perfume, Octavio finally found himself able to peacefully drift off to sleep for the night.

=+=+=+=

Taglist: @herondaleatheart @brontophile @moontearchild @soulheartthewolf @hey-its-mika @xbeaxbeax (You may always ask to be added or taken off the list! Being on the taglist notifies you of whenever I post a fic so if you are interested, please message me!)

[yikes-xander]

000:00:00:00

PLAYLIST ANALYSIS

This is actually me just rambling about my thoughts on each song and why I chose them for this specific playlist rather than like.. an actually good and smart sounding in-depth analysis sorry :/

When I Met You - Ethan Nestor

There are many reasons I chose this one! Mostly the lyrics, but Ethan also sings it so it’s extra fitting for the playlist, especially as the opener.

“When I met you my life was blue, I was so lonely / You took me by surprise” The channel came into my life at the perfect time. I was feeling low, in my last year of high school, struggling with thoughts about the future. It especially helped me through quarantine. Every day I felt like quitting, giving up on putting effort into school/not graduating, but I had something to look forward to every day too, so I pushed through.

“Now you're gone from my life / I'm adrift on the sea” Once the stream ended and the channel was gone, I didn’t know how I felt. I felt sad, but also something I’ve never felt before. After watching Ethan’s video yesterday, hearing him explain he felt the same way, I felt so relieved. I think this lyric kind of describes how I feel now honestly, just kinda numb? Like I’m lost. I’m working on it.

Another Night - Story Untold

More of a light-hearted one now! To me, this song made me think about how good it felt to be a part of the audience.

“Here we go for another night / Another night goofing all around” Everyone (the audience, Mark, Ethan, etc.) having fun every single day? *chefs kiss*

“Laughing 'til our stomachs hurt / And I can't let this moment pass me by” Once again, made me think of all the good times that were a part of the channel, and all the good feelings they gave me.

“So here’s to a night we’ll remember / This is a time we never wanna forget” I think this is kind of self-explanatory? I don’t think any of us want to forget Unus Annus. Personally, it’s literally the best thing I’ve ever had the chance to see happen and be a part of.

100 Bad Days - AJR

This song just gives me good vibes, UA gave me good vibes, it had to be on the playlist. I don’t have much else to say about it.

History - One Direction

This song kind of reminds me of Ethan and Mark separately and UA as a whole. Because like,, they make a great team, they have a lot of history (friends for a long time, Ethan was a fan of Mark before that, etc.)

“You and me got a whole lot of history / So don't let it go, we can make some more, we can live forever” A year is a long time but also feels like no time at all. Sometimes I wish we had more time for UA, but I’m glad I was here for what we got.

“This is not the end” Unus Annus is something I’ll never forget.

Dopamine - With Confidence

Maybe also kind of self-explanatory? Dopamine makes you feel good!! UA also makes me feel good. And the song talks about losing it too so.. yeah

This Is Home - Cavetown

I’m not exactly sure why I felt so drawn to this? But the vibes are immaculate.

“Are you dead? / Sometimes I think I'm dead / 'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head / But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet” after the stream vibes anyone? Or is it just me? I stayed up way too long after it was over. Too many thoughts head full

“Time is / Slowly / Tracing his face / But strangely he feels at home in this place” Unus and Annus,, the Boys of Time babey!!

Ghost Of You - 5 Seconds of Summer

Again.. The VIBES are IMMACULATE. It’s just a sad song for a sad time.

“Too young, too dumb / To know things like love” I’m just a stupid boy who got emotionally attached to a channel whose whole purpose was to DIE and I’m sensitive about it.

All I Wanted - Paramore

Lyrics make me do a Think

“Wake up early to black and white re-runs” colors of the channel,, thinking about all the vids,, the memories :(

“I could follow you to the beginning / And just to relive the start / And maybe then we'll remember to slow down / At all of our favorite parts” this entire verse?? Oh my god. Absolutely *chefs kiss* I think we all know what I mean and like,, why it gives me UA vibes

The Kids from Yesterday - My Chemical Romance

This song just gives me like sad nostalgic vibes so I thought it fit well.

“... you only hear the music when your heart begins to break” the timer reaches the end and the ticking stops? Heartbreaking, that’s all

I Will Follow You into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

Another song thats just,, sad so it fits

“Love of mine, someday you will die” we knew from the start the the channel would literally die when the clock stopped,,

“It's nothing to cry about 'cause we'll hold each other soon / In the blackest of rooms” shut up I’m mourning someone hold my hand

“I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black” death goddess Amy vibes

I’ll Always Be Around - Waterparks

“If you died I'd hope you'd haunt me / Because you know I'd miss you bad” we all love UA so much!! And miss it a ton already

“I'd never I'd never I'd never get you off my mind” it’s always thinking about Unus Annus hours

Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi

There are multiple lyrics in this song that just make me remember we only have our memories of the channel left

“Our every moment, I start to replace / 'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say” the vids are replaced with only memories, replayed over and over

“Well, time can heal but this won't” I’ll be sad about this forever mind ur business

“But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face” the very last moment of the stream? Amy and Mark looking at the camera, Mark’s lil smile, Ethan looking back at the clock as the last few seconds tick by? AAAAH

Scarlet Cross - Black Veil Brides

Heard this and immediately reverted back to my middle school self but that’s beside the point.

“... you can't deny / The end is coming, the end is coming” we knew from the start that the channel would die

“Will we live? / Will we die? / Just keep on saving our goodbyes” There were points where people were theorizing that the channel wouldn’t actually end, there were clips near the end where the clock reversed by a few seconds, etc. need I say more?

“Hold onto me, and I can't let go” we’re all mourning, we didn’t want to say goodbye I know I’m not the only sad one

Body - Mother Mother

This song just SCREAMS Unus and Annus vibes I think we can all agree

“I've grown tired of this body / Fall apart without me, body” Unus and Annus are just entities using Ethan and Mark’s bodies,, they know their time is up so they have to leave,, the LORE it makes sense okay leave me alone

Here Comes the End - Gerard Way (ft Judith Hill)

At this point I’m just listing lyrics that I vibe with that remind me of UA and also make me sad but that’s because I’m dumb and I don’t know how to express myself or explain my thoughts oops

“The time is running out / The days are moving fast” literally every day after each video,, seeing the clock tick down? My HEART she hurt

“The clock is moving / Hands to midnight / Can we get through this?” For me, the stream ended right at midnight so THE VIBES I was sobbing

When Can I See You Again? - Owl City

“Switch on the sky and the stars glow for you / Go see the world 'cause it’s all so brand new” this lyric remind me of the vid where they were in the desert and they just looked at the stars and had a nice talk it was so wholesome I love them

“It's been fun but now I've got to go / Life is way too short to take it slow” Unus Annus is gone but we all have to remember to live, do what you want with no regrets.

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

This one is another pretty self explanatory one honestly

It’s also just a vibe like a lot of the other songs that’s all I have to say about it

Safe and Sound - Capital Cities

This song just radiates such good feelings man oof

Unus Annus felt like such a safe lil bubble for me?? Like,, Mark and Ethan did dumb shit because they WANTED TO I felt so validated like,, I also would do dumb shit if I could that probably makes no sense but I love them so it doesn’t matter

Happiest Year - Jaymes Young

This one absolutely BREAKS MY HEART

“I'm here to admit / That you were my medicine” yall,, UA was the only thing that kept me going and I'm not afraid to admit it

“Thank you for the happiest year of my life” literally the only thing that gave me serotonin oops :/

“So wake me up when they build that time machine / I want to go back” do I need to explain? Even though this year has been shitty irl, I would relive it in a heartbeat

The 3ND - Story Untold

I know this is a breakup song,, but hear me out

Some of the lyrics FIT and it’s my playlist I can do what I want shut up

“I never wanted what we had to end / But now it's over” once again,, no need to explain

“I know we had our dreams and we had plans… / That now it's time to let go” this just makes me think of the video where they talk about the video ideas they had but never filmed or just didn't post,, the CONTENT WE COULD'VE GOTTEN i'm sad

Still Remembering - AS IT IS

These boys.. My fave band of all time but also literally all their songs have immaculate vibes

“My heart's as heavy / As these nights are long” this gives me after the stream feels,, I stayed up way too long after it ended I couldn't sleep because I was sad :/

“Can you tell me what hurts more / Is it remembering or forgetting?” The whole chorus just hits me so hard man I'm so scared that I'm gonna forget unus annus because my brain is shitty even though I know I won't? I’m deadass getting a tattoo as soon as I can

Take Me Away - With Confidence

This song just makes me think about how UA was kind of an escape for me? And a lot of people yknow sometimes you just need to get your mind off of this happening around you and UA was really good for that in my opinion

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

Once again saying I would relive this year if I had the chance

Unus Annus was one of a kind, no one will ever be able to recreate it

Where’d All the Time Go? - Dr. Dog

A year sounds like such a long time but it goes by way too fast

Also I think Amy had this on her instagram story after the stream? I don't remember but THE VIBES

This December - Ricky Montgomery

Why do so many ricky montgomery songs have UA vibes? Idk

“Well, this December, I'll remember / Want you to see it when I do” UA ended in november,, we’ll remember in december and forever it FITS

“It’s just a little bit, It’s just a little bit / Lonely in this home / It’s always colder on your own'' honestly now that UA is gone there's like,, a void and I'm sad (I keep saying that but it's true so..)

When You Die - MGMT

Maybe this is the song Amy had in her story after the stream? Again,, I don’t remember

I think this one is also pretty self explanatory

Except I was feeling A LOT when the channel died but I’m glad the team was also kinda in their feels a bit yknow? It made me feel better about it

Good Times - All Time Low

“Underneath the stars we came alive / And singing to the sky just felt right / I won't forget the good times” once again,, that stargazing vid? IM CRYING all the vids gave me so much serotonin I loved them all and each day was such a good day

“I'll hate the goodbye” I don't need to explain..

“Middle fingers up, ego trip / Devil may care but we didn't mind” the chaotic vibes of the channel is what sucked me in I live for chaos that's what this lyric makes me think of

Goodnight, Travel Well - The Killers

I don't think I really need to explain this one because,, just listen to the song and you'll get it but I'll just list some fave lyrics of mine

“There's nothing I can say / There's nothing we can do now” end of the stream vibes for sure

“And all that stands between the souls release / This temporary flesh and bone / We know that it's over now” Unus and Annus vibes

Line Without a Hook - Ricky Montgomery

This is one of the songs that I hear a lot in like edits I see on twitter and stuff associated with UA and I Get It the vibes are so good the song is so good I love it

“Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you / I need you here to stay” one of my fave lyrics and also just,, makes sense I miss UA

As the World Caves In - Matt Maltese

Another song that's in a lot of edits and stuff that's also,, amazing and MAKES SENSE the vibes!!

“And here it is, our final night alive” the STREAM

“You put your finest suit on / I paint my fingernails / Oh we're going out in style babe” Our boys,, Unus and Annus in the suits and eths painted nails? An absolute LOOK

I just love this song so much its so good and makes me so sad

The End. - My Chemical Romance

This song is just So Sad

And the heart monitor beeping in the beginning?? Reminds me of the clock ticking my heart is BROKEN

If you actually read all of this? I love you!! This was 6 pages so thank you for sticking through and listening to all of my dumb thoughts

[angeltrapz]

ooghdhf hi I just saw ur posts abt F/Os n may I just- 🤝 🤝 very rad that Eric n Lawrence r both our F/Os! i would love 2 hear yr favorite things Eric n Lawrence do for you on quiet days, when yr feelin bad, + to surprise u (or just for like a date if yr not big on surprises) !!

kjdfkds thank u so much omg,, mood kinda carried over into today so it's nice to just talk abt them for a bit!!

eric:

⦁ on bad days eric doesn't try to make me explain anything, and actually stays pretty quiet himself, and the biggest theme in his approach is physical affection,, I hardly ever have 2 ask him to do anything bc he just Knows what I want most times. I'm never rly ready to talk abt anything right out the gate n he understands that, so he kinda just lets me lay on him bc it makes me feel better 2 be so close. esp if I'm crying bc I don't rly like ppl to see/hear me do it, but I feel safe around him so. compromise

⦁ mostly I just stay close 2 him n he lets me bc in all actuality it helps both of us (pressure stims!!!), and he listens when I finally feel like I can talk about why I'm upset. n that means the entire world to me <3

⦁ quiet days r the ones where we don't have anywhere to be, anything to do, or any pressing matters of any kind rly. depending on how eric's feeling that day, I like to make a lil pillow fort in the living room w our blankets n we just watch movies/tv/maybe even play games like uno just cause it's about keeping each other company, sharing space n just relaxing. eventually tho eric ends up w his head in my lap n I know he's gonna be asleep real soon after that lol

⦁ eric's surprises mostly consist of lil things like "I saw this and thought of u" and sometimes he's a lil shy abt it but he doesn't have 2 be 'cause I'm always like!!! babe!!! that's so fucking sweet I love it!!! (sometimes it can be smth like. a cool rock. and I will b just as delighted bc it made him think of Me)

⦁ Specifically Tho fave lil gift was actually smth he ordered. so like we bond a lot over shared stims n whatnot n he knows I like those chew necklaces so he got me this lil teal pendant but didn't say anything til he got it and he was just like "it's like my spinner ring, do u like it??" and I was just. 🥺 of course I do!!!!

⦁ we don't typically go out on a lot of dates (social interaction can b rly difficult for me too,,) but when we do it's always at some sort of lil diner place! there's no real stress to dress up or anything n it's a low energy sort of environment (depending on the time), so it's rly just a nice lil outing. I always feel safer in places like that n its good to not be surrounded by a bunch of people/overwhelmed by a bunch of noise!!

lawrence:

⦁ the most important thing lawrence does when things r shitty is he just... holds me. my favourite is when I can lay my head on his chest n he'll rest his cheek on th top of my head, i'll have an arm around his middle and one of his hands will curl around my forearm, n with his other hand he plays w my hair. he doesn't make me talk if I don't want 2, n honestly usually I don't at first, so he'll either just sit w me on the couch like that or he'll tell me abt his day to help get my mind off things.

⦁ sometimes he reads 2 me just bc he knows I like hearing it and bc he knows it can be a positive distraction. his voice gets all soft n his words are slower but not too slow, a good enough pace fr me to follow along w/out having to try too hard. depending on how bad I feel he sometimes does like various inflections n voices n shit to make me laugh!! he's a fucking dork (affectionate)

⦁ quiet days are ones where we might both be doin our own thing, but we're always sharing space in some way. like he can be reading on the couch and I'll be sitting on the floor writing/scrollin thru my phone/etc., but we're still together. we might both end up on the couch together while lawrence does crosswords (I love helpin him w em) n I'm readin smth else, but what matters is we're together n nearby!!

⦁ when it comes to surprises lawrence is honestly very similar to eric!! smth we do a lot b4 bed if he's not too tired from work/it's not too late is he just kinda lets me. infodump a lil bc even if he doesn't rly understand, he likes hearing/seeing me get excited abt stuff! so like lawrence Remembers stuff he hears me talk abt so if he's out n about n sees smth he thinks I'd like he'll come home n be like "I got u smth!!" n Every Single Time I'm just like 🥺🥺 is for me???

⦁ favourite thing he got me tho is this lil worry stone made from rhodonite!! fits in the palm of my hand n he was just like "u talk abt gems a lot n u fidget with things so I thought this would be a good thing for u!" like omg,,, baby I Love U

[purplesurveys]

1014

What snack food could you not live without? I feel like “can’t live without” is pushing it too far, but Pringles is my favorite and I imagine I’d be pretty miserable if they hypothetically suddenly disappear or stop production. Can never get enough of those.

What/where is your favorite restaurant? And what do they specialize in? Yabu. It’s Japanese, but they mainly specialize in katsu so they don’t have sushi or ramen or sukiyaki or other types of Japanese food. I haven’t had my usual since February or March, so I can’t waaaait until I can finally order for myself.

How do you waste time when you are procrastinating? Looking for anything I can watch on YouTube. Once I’ve found a video it usually is able to send me into a black hole of other videos, so it’s been quite the effective way to avoid tasks or things I’m worrying about.

Do you follow any celebrities on social media? Who? I don’t, honestly. I never understood it about myself lol; I’m fascinated by a number of celebrities but the idea of being constantly updated about their personal lives just never seemed appealing to me. I guess I just like them for what they do and the celebrity that comes with it. The only one I follow on Twitter is Hayley Williams.

Who do you admire for what they have accomplished? Probably Arlan. Dude had like 10 orgs while in college, was in the college student council, and he got accepted to Columbia’s graduate program for journalism for the next school year. Idek how he even finds the time to sleep.

Would you like if you never had to work again? Lately I’ve been learning about myself that work gives me a sense of purpose, so even if I was offered all the money in the world, I’d take it but I would still want to work (assuming I’m in a job I like and care about). I never want to go back to how shitty I felt in September when I was neither studying nor working.

Are you a big sports fan? What team and sports? I like watching basketball and volleyball games, but only the ones played in our local university league – that said, I obviously root for my school lol. I like pro wrestling too, but they don’t work in teams.

Do you believe in following your dreams? Yes, but the way there is vastly different for everyone in that some people may have the connections and resources early on, while some will have to work and claw a little harder. The playing field isn’t always level, unfortunately.

Do you like to play board games? They’re fine, but I typically prefer to watch from the sidelines mostly because I’m terrible at following instructions and retaining them in my head as I play.

What were your favorites games as a kid? Does it have to be board games? I played outside way more often and my favorites were patintero, 10-20, and a game we called ‘ice ice water,’ which is really just freeze tag. I also liked pick-up sticks.

Would you like to be a “stay at home” mom or dad? I dunno if I would enjoy that, honestly. Like I said, I like the idea of working as it makes me feel productive...but who knows? I’m only 22, literally a fresh graduate, I don’t have kids, and it’s a long way before I can possibly become a mom. But my priorities could always change; I could wind up being a mom who is content with being a housewife. I really have no clue, and I’ll never know until I get there.

How are your “direction skills” when you are driving? Yeah, they’re nonexistent. I need Waze all the time if I’m the one driving, even if it’s going to a place I routinely travel to.

Do you need to be in charge or are you happy to let someone else take charge? It depends on how confident or familiar I am with the task at hand. I can handle being either a leader or a follower; but I do think that, for all tasks I’m involved in, I do like to help call the shots and decide on things on some level, no matter how little it is. I never just follow, if that makes sense.

Would you rather “talk it out” or “let it go” and hope it’s forgotten about? Talk it out. Communication is really important to me.

What celebrity have others told you that you look like? Anna Akana and Lucy Hale.

Do you like to dance? What kind do you enjoy the most? Only either when I’m alone or have had a lot to drink. I don’t actually know any types of dance.

Do you feel anxious right now? Eh, not really. I’m a little sad, but getting out of bed to sit at my desk has slightly fixed that for the meantime.

Do you like to eat breakfast for dinner? What are your faves? Sometimes my dad will make breakfast food for dinner, yeah. I’m never enthusiastic about it lol, but I don’t complain.

Do you feel like you will ever have enough money to make you happy? Sure, I think so. I know I definitely don’t want to end up being extremely selfish about money.

What is more appealing to you: a pub crawl or a wine tasting? Pub crawl, for sure. I hate wine anyway.

What classes or courses would you take to learn more about? International relations, biology, and anthropology.

Would you ever get a tattoo? What kind would you get? Idk if I would ever get one, but one of my ideas is to have Paramore’s lyrics “For all the joy that is to come / Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal” on my wrist, kinda like as a reminder that there are brighter days ahead. That’s not the correct sequence of lyrics, but combining those lines together was what spoke to me the most. 

How much time do you spend working out a week? (you can fib a little) I don’t work out.

Do you dress up for Halloween? What was your best costume? Only if my friends have something planned. I’ve mentioned this several times lately but my personal favorite costume was going as my old best friend, Sofie. It was so low-effort but everyone understood who I was and had a kick out of it.

How often do you like to shop online? I never really did it regularly before since I had been on a tight allowance throughout college, but now that I’m earning on my own I could see myself ordering stuff online 1-2 times a month.

Have you ever spent time “online dating?” No. I had Tinder before, but just to people-watch. Still not interested in it now.

Do you ever hang out with your parents? How about your siblings? No. We don’t do one-on-one bonding; we’re all emotionally unequipped for that lol. I hate that I missed out on family things like that; and my future kid/s is/are definitely getting a lot of solo dates with me.

What is the number one way that you like to spend your time? Probably going on YouTube. There’s always something to watch over there.

Is it easy or hard for you to be lazy all day? Easy for the most part, but if I know I have work to do I also like getting my ass up to wrap that up as quickly as I can.

How similar are you to your zodiac sign characteristics? Based on what’s been shoved down my throat from social media, Tauruses  love their food, hold grudges, are fiercely loyal, resistant to change, and annoyingly stubborn. Those things are all me.

What are you addicted to? I don’t have any addictions.

What is the last song that you saved to your playlist? Haven’t been using my playlists lately.

If you could listen to only one artist, who would that be? Paramore.

Who would you like to be president right now? We have a dictator of a president at the moment and the list of potential candidates for 2022 isn’t looking too great either, so...who the fuck knows. I’m hoping someone capable – and someone preferably younger – steps up to take the challenge before 2022. I look forward to the day we take to the streets to celebrate the same way America did today.

Were you popular in school? I mean in high school I was kinda on the radar, but I still liked staying at the sides and let my more popular friends take the spotlight. Besides, I was already linked with Gabie and I didn’t want teachers and staff to be on our asses. 

What is your favorite place that you have ever visited? Locally, Sagada. Outside of the country, probably Shanghai.

What places do you want to travel to before you get too old? Ideally I’d want to travel to as many countries as I can, to be honest. Doesn’t matter where. But if I can only afford to do so a handful of times, I’d spend that money on Morocco, India, Thailand, Egypt, South Korea, Iceland, Peru, and Spain (and then maybe go on a European road trip from there).

What is the perfect work schedule that you would love? I’m happy with my current 9-6 shift.

What was the best party that you have ever been to? Rita’s sister’s org’s Halloween party from last year.

Did school come easy for you or was it hard? High school was easy, but I purposely didn’t put much effort into it. I didn’t see the point, considering a) teachers have their established favorite students early on and I knew I wasn’t one of them and no matter how well I did I knew I wasn’t going to get recognized, and b) workplaces could not care less about your high school record. College was also easy, and I found balancing my academics, org life, and social life to be fun and fulfilling.

What language do you enjoy listening to? English or Filipino.

Would you take the time to learn a new language? Sure. I’ve done that with Spanish and Korean before.

If you had a personal assistant, what would you have them do? Make them do the phone calls whenever I would have to at work.

Who is the funniest person that you know? I have several people in mind, honestly - Andi, Kate, Jum, Aya, JM, Hans.

Who is the worst pain in the ass that you know? My mom. Sometimes Cooper.

Whose life do you look to as a “model” of what you would like yours to ultimately look like? Anna, one of the moms from the Korean reality show I watch. Her amazing attitude towards life, her parenting skills, cooking skills, aesthetic, and overall life is all I want.

How much money do you save from your paycheck? I have no idea how to budget yet. AAAHHHHHHHHH

Which is a stronger emotion, fear or joy? I think both can be felt strongly.

What types of people do you follow on social media? Athletes, Influencers? Mostly irl people. The only famous people I follow are AJ Mendez (though she’ll always be AJ Lee to me) and Hayley, like I said. OH WAIT I also follow the entire GMM crew! Idk why I missed that.

Would you ever like to work remotely and travel? That’d be nice, sure.

When were you the poorest that you have ever been? Quarantine.