#you have free will and are fully capable of scrolling if you don’t agree with my takes

[moonagedaydreamsofrhiannon]

if a random person on the internet saying they hc a fictional character as trans or enjoy a ship that you don’t personally like enrages you to the point that you feel the need to comment rude, unnecessary hate, completely unprovoked, multiple times, under multiple different posts, instead of just scrolling, blocking, and moving on, then you need to take some mood stabilizers, touch some grass, and get a grip on reality

and btw, if all you can think of to respond to a detailed character analysis with mountains of specific textual evidence is “not reading allat + you have ass takes” then maybe it’s time to put down the phone and pick up a book (perhaps a self-help book) you pathetic, ignorant, illiterate, fucking philistine.

and to anyone reading this, if you’re going to go out of your way to be a transphobic asshole (or even just an asshole period) in my comments, you can go fuck yourself. keep that shit off my page or you’re getting blocked immediately you weird fucking freaks. take your anti-depressants and get a life please. happy, well-adjusted people don’t do that shit

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Drinking Buddies

Masterlist

--- If Jason ends up going home with someone, call me and I’ll come pick you up.

Y/N read the text from her boyfriend with a smirk. He’d sent it 20 minutes ago, but she was just now seeing it.

It was the only message Dick had sent her all night, always trying to give her the independence and space she needed.

Dick was always amused by Y/N and Jason’s little “club.” It even became an ongoing joke within the family. But Dick also knew that there was something sincere underneath it, as well.

Dick realized early in their relationship that there were some things in Y/N’s past he could never fully understand or help her with. Yes, he had his own trauma. But it didn’t involve abuse. His parents had died, but there wasn’t a day before that when Dick felt unloved by them.

Jason and Y/N had parallel childhoods: abusive parents, fighting to survive on the streets of Gotham, robbed of a happy and sheltered adolescence. Unfortunately, they were both victims of the darkness that Gotham held. The same darkness that drove both of them to risk their lives to stop it from continuing.

Outsiders probably thought it was weird for a man to let his girlfriend go out with his younger brother alone. Especially when said brother was as tall and handsome and broody as Jason Todd. But Dick felt more comfortable doing that than when Y/N had girls’ nights. At least with Jason, Dick knew that Y/N would be safe.

But Dick also knew Jason needed a friend just as much as Y/N did.

--- I doubt that will happen. But I promise I’ll call you if it does. 

Y/N typed back.

--- You’re a freakishly good wing woman. Don’t underestimate yourself. 

Dick texted back instantly. 

--- Have fun. Be safe. I love you.

He double texted.

--- I love you, too. 

Y/N answered before slipping her phone back into her small purse.

“He’s so obsessed with you,” Jason commented without needing to ask who had her smiling down at her phone.

But Y/N wasn’t taking the bait that easily. “Good thing I’m obsessed with him, too.”

“He’s probably sitting at home and crying because he misses you so much.”

Y/N punched Jason in the arm. And it felt like punching a wall rather than a human being with skin, muscle, and fat. “Stop being mean. I didn’t come out with you to listen to Dick get ripped on.”

Jason gave her a crooked smirk. “You’re right. I wanted a drinking buddy.”

“Yes,” she agreed. But then she narrowed her eyes. “But you always wanted to talk to me about a woman.”

“I never said that.”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “I have female intuition.” But her amusement and teasing faded. “Is it Artemis?”

Jason’s body tensed and gulped down the rest of his whiskey. 

“That obvious, huh?” He asked slowly, his embarrassment was easily caught.

“No, it’s not, actually. I’ve just been paying attention.”

“I told you I hated her and that she drives me to insanity,” Jason scoffed.

“Yeah, and I knew that was your sexual tension speaking,” Y/N teased with a tilt of her head and a smirk before taking a sip of her drink.

Jason chuckled at that. “You’re not wrong…”

“So,” Y/N leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms with interest. “Tell me about her.”

“She’s an Amazon. And a badass. She’s tall – taller than me, actually. Red hair. Doesn’t take anyone’s shit. Loves to pick a fight. Loves to get her way even more.” Jason sighed. “And…she’s beautiful,” he finished with. “Absolutely fucking beautiful.”

“OK. Now that you’ve basically given me her dating app bio,” Y/N ridiculed. “Get to the good shit.”

Jason glared at her.

But he took in a deep breath. “We’ve been…” he didn’t know how to put it politely.

“Fucking?” Y/N offered.

“Fine! Yes, alright?” He growled. “It was just casual at first. Friends with benefits – or whatever.”

Y/N couldn’t stop her laugh from escaping. 

“Jason, even though you try really hard to pretend to be a heartless hard-ass, you and I both know that you’re actually a hopeless romantic. So why you thought you were capable of having a fuck buddy, without falling in love with them, is beyond me.”

Jason rubbed his face in frustration. “I know. I fucking know, OK?”

Y/N finally decided to have some sympathy and gripped his shoulder. “You’re gonna be fine, bud.”

“Am I? I hate this. I feel like such an idiot. I don’t want to mess this up. But I also don’t want to keep pretending like I’m not in love with her.”

It was moments like these where Y/N truly forgot that Jason was also the Red Hood, one of Gotham’s most feared vigilantes. He was also a murderer, if she was being transparent. But right now, he just seemed like a lost young man, terrified of his own feelings.

“Why don’t you get us another round and I’ll put some music on the jukebox? And then we’ll figure out your shit,” she offered.

Jason smiled. “Deal.”

There were at one of the roughest dive bars in Gotham.

Jason was a regular – as was almost everyone else that was there.

He already made his reputation known. 

And even though on the outside he looked like a helpless pretty boy, the bar patrons learned rather quickly not to pick a fight with Jason Todd. Not that most of them wanted to, he was a perfectly polite guy and tipped far too nicely for the shit service he got there.

Y/N made her way to the vintage jukebox and started scrolling through her options.

“What are you picking? Justin Bieber?” A froggish voice said to her right.

Y/N paused to give him a glare. “Is that because I’m a woman?”

This was negging. And Y/N hated this pick up tactic more than any cheesy line.

The man shrugged. “Just wanted to make sure you put on something good.”

“Oh, I will,” Y/N snapped before turning her attention back to the songs.

“How about I help you DJ and then you let me buy you a drink?” He muttered far too closely to her ear.

It made a chill go up her spine and she suddenly felt ill.

“No thanks.”

“Come on. One drink,” he grabbed her wrist.

Y/N whipped her attention back to him and tried to tug her wrist away. “Don’t fucking touch me,” she growled.

But his grip tightened.

“Get your hands off her,” Jason barked suddenly from behind her.

Jason had at least 5 inches on the guy and was probably twice his weight.

It was enough to make the man immediately drop Y/N’s wrist. “Maybe don’t leave your girl alone…”

“She’s not ‘my girl.’ She’s my brother’s girlfriend,” Jason corrected with a glare.

He wanted to say more, but he could tell by Y/N’s body language that she didn’t want to start a scene, hating all the eyes that were already on them.

The man had given up. 

But not before both of them heard him mutter, “Fuckin’ whore.”

Without missing a beat, Jason punched him in the face.

The hit knocked the guy off his feet and possibly knocked out a few teeth. 

So much for not causing a scene…

“Say another word about her and I won’t use my hands next time,” Jason practically spit down to him. 

Then he slyly opened up his jacket to show that he had a gun on him.

The guy didn’t need to hear anything else. He jumped to his feet and tried not to run out of the place.

A beat passed before Y/N erupted into laughter.

“Oh, Jason! Oh, my knight in shining armor! You saved me!” Y/N put the back of her hand to her forehead dramatically as she mocked him.

“I should’ve let him grope you,” Jason mumbled as he led them back to their seats.

They both knew he didn’t mean it.

“Dick’s been showing me some self defense, you know.” Y/N beamed proudly as she took a sip of her new drink.

The bartender came over and silently offered them a free round of shots, proving that he’d seen the exchange. And this was his way of apologizing for their troubles.

Jason nodded his head in thanks before handing one of them to Y/N.

“Yeah?” He played dumb.

She nodded excitedly.

They clinked their shot glasses together before throwing them back.

“You know Dick would have my ass if I hadn’t intervened, right?” He asked her.

She sighed. “Yeah, I know. He’s overprotective like that.”

“I’d be the same way,” Jason agreed.

“Even if it was with an Amazon, who was bigger and stronger and had lived for hundreds of years?” Y/N teased, reminding him that she wasn’t done talking about his love life.

“Even then,” he smirked.

The night went on as normal. 

Y/N asked Jason a million questions about Artemis. 

And together, they came up with a game plan.

————————————

Dick was working on his computer.

Gray sweatpants on. No shirt. A couple of empty beer bottles on the coffee table where his feet were propped up.

He wanted to lie to himself and believe he was waiting up for Y/N to make sure she got home safe. But he knew Jason would die before he left anything happen to her – especially on his watch.

No, Dick didn’t bother trying to go to sleep because he basically couldn’t when Y/N was gone. 

Even if he was in bed and she was still up working or walking around the apartment, it was like Dick could feel her presence and that was enough. He needed her to sleep, even if she wasn’t right next to him.

Dick smiled when he heard the loud clattering of keys failing to match with the slot of the lock.

Finally the apartment door opened.

“Special delivery for Richard John Grayson!” Y/N screamed in a slur before he even could see her.

“Shh!” Jason hushed quickly. “He’s probably sleeping.”

But when they rounded the corner, Jason relaxed at the sight of Dick being wide awake.

Y/N was piggybacking Jason with a drunk smile.

“Looks like you two had fun,” Dick commented with a laugh.

“So much fun,” Y/N agreed.

But then she was squirming and Jason realized she wanted off. He released his protective grip on the back of her thighs and carefully dropped her to her feet.

Y/N sprinted to her boyfriend and tackled him into a hug on the couch.

Thankfully Dick saw this coming and had quickly moved the laptop off his lap before she crushed it.

“Well hello to you too,” Dick chuckled as she wrapped her body on top of his like a koala bear.

He kissed her forehead and ran his fingers through her hair.

“I’m very tired. And Jason wouldn’t get me Taco Bell,” she whined.

Jason looked offended and held his hands up in surrender. “I did try to get you Taco Bell, but it was closed.”

“He’s lying,” Y/N whispered.

“OK,” Dick managed to suppress his laughter. “How about we get you into bed and maybe chug some water?” Dick asked her softly.

She just nodded into his neck.

“Alright. Here we go,” Dick warned her before he managed to lift both of them off of the couch and carry her to their bedroom.

He helped her out of her clothes and then got her into one of his big t-shirts, not bothering with shorts or pants. He managed to convince her to take out her contacts before he handed her a makeup removal wipe. Then he very nicely asked her to drink some water for him.

“I’m gonna go say bye to Jason and then I’ll be right back,” he whispered as he tucked her into bed.  

Y/N sleepily nodded. “Jason punched a creepy dude for me. So be extra nice to him, K?”

Dick sighed.

Of course Jason did.

When Dick walked out of the bedroom, his younger brother was chugging a glass of water in their kitchen.

“You punched a dude?” Dick asked as he crossed his arms and gave him a suspicious look.

Jason shrugged. “Just another asshole who didn’t know the word no.”

“Thanks. For always looking out for her, I mean.”  

Jason nodded.

“You spending the night?” Dick asked.

They purposely rented a place that had a guest bedroom. It was rather common for someone from his family to crash. A lot of the time it was someone hiding from Bruce out of spite and needed some space from the manor.

“Nah. I just wanted to make sure she got home. I’m walking back to my place.”

Dick nodded, expecting that to be his response.

But Jason seemed to be lingering for some reason.

“You OK?” Dick asked him after a few moments.

“Yeah! Yeah, I just…Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“How do you make sure you don’t fuck it up?”

Jason didn’t need to clarify that ‘it’ was Dick’s relationship with Y/N.

Dick scratched the back of his head. This wasn’t a usual subject for him and Jason. They almost never talked about women with each other.

“I guess I just…” he thought about it for a moment. “I’m honest with her. So she never questions where we’re at. She always knows how I feel. And then it’s never scary for her.”

Jason nodded his head, clearly deep in thought as he mulled over Dick’s answer.

“I’ll see you guys later,” he finally said his goodbyes.

“Get home safe, yeah?”

Jason scoffed. “Always do.”

Dick locked the door behind his brother.

When he made his way back to the bedroom, Y/N appeared to be passed out.

But when Dick crawled into the other side, she instantly moved to him and placed a kiss on his bare chest.

“Hi,” she sighed sleepily.

“Hi,” he kissed the top of her head as he wrapped his arms around her. “What’s up with Jason?”

She smiled with her eyes closed. “Can’t tell you. It’s club business.”

Dick rolled his eyes and shook his head.

He tickled her sides. 

“Noooo,” Y/N whined as she buried her face into his chest.

Dick only stopped because her reaction was so adorable.

“I’m kidding,” she breathed her surrender. “Your brother…is in love.”

“In love, huh?” Dick said in awe, processing the idea. 

“And what advice did you give him?” He asked.

But when he looked down, he realized Y/N was now actually asleep.

Dick kissed her cheek and mentally reminded himself to run to the store early tomorrow so he could make them a greasy breakfast. He could only assume Y/N was going to need it with the inevitable hangover from a night drinking with Jason Todd.

------------------

Guess I wasn’t finished with them yet 😏

Let me know what you think. And I’ll see if I want to keep doing these. 

ALL BONUS CONTENT CAN BE FOUND: HERE

[tiktaalic]

Why exactly do you see Dean as gay rather than bi? Absolutely feel free to completely ignore this ask if you don't want to go into it - it's just I've heard that interpretation a few times here on Tumblr and I'd genuinely be really interested to hear your thoughts behind it, and how you relate it to the way Dean canonically acts on the show

the pithy answer is projection! the unpithy answer is that out of 320 episodes over the span of 15 years, there is one (1) where his attraction comes off as genuine to me, and it took place fifteen years ago (cassie). i’m a lesbian, and when i was younger i had really genuine and meaningful friendships with men that i thought meant i was in love with them. they were very dear friends to me and i cared deeply about them, and they continue to be dear to me and people i care deeply about now that my head’s on straighter. so that’s that point. 

this is. going to be a long post so this is the preemptive warning to everyone who can’t read tumblr paragraphs to zip scroll.

lisa straight up reads as a lavender marriage to me. the focus for both lisa AND dean is him stepping in to be a father figure. their conversations about how much they care about each other center around how good he is with ben/how much he loves ben. there’s like, nothing where they’re smiling at each other and actually enjoying each other’s company. she’s a two night stand he’s seen 4 times in the last decade. she is dean putting on his brave face and keeping his promise. lisa’s post dean boyfriend matt is in one episode for about 3 minutes purely so he can die, but this is the scene.

so like. lisa is CAPABLE of interacting with a man she’s dating in a way that looks like they’re dating, versus. this.

so that’s that point. we’re at season six and we’ve already gone through every long term relationship with a woman dean’s been in. but let’s get really technical! let’s go through bad boys and after school special and amara to boot. 

in bad boys, robin is dean’s first real crush when he’s fifteen or so. first crush being when you’re 15 rather than in elementary or middle school? gay behavior (joke). let those among us who have not had a straight crush as a teen because they were the first person to be nice to us throw the first stone! and that’s what it boils down to for me. it’s the first time dean’s had ANY stability, and he relishes it. it would not surprise me if she’s his first real friend. she’s definitely his first real NORMAL friend. she asks him what HE likes, what HE wants to do with his life. and that’s totally new for dean! to have choices and to have his wants given consideration instead of just having expectation after expectation loaded onto him.

it does not surprise me that dean, who’s been taking a masterclass in repression and masculinity since the tender age of four, dates robin. it would not surprise me if he dated robin and was gay. of course he’s going to throw himself 100% into a relationship with a girl when he knows he’s at an age where boys are supposed to be skirt chasers, when he meets a girl and she’s NICE to him and KNOWS him like literally no one else does. all of this accompanied by the “i am a boy and have positive feelings for someone who’s a girl this MUST be romance this MUST be a crush” like. this is going to get into overshare territory for a moment i apologize but As A Lesbian when i was 15/16 i actively had crushes on girls and rational-ed them away as Girl Best Friends :) while telling everyone that the feelings i had for my boy best friends were crushes aksdkfkndf. repressed gay people are stupid and dean is MUCH more repressed than me aged 16. so. robin box ticked. 

after school special: jail for dabb jail for dabb for a thousand years i know. trust me i know. BUT. 17 year old dean who’s fully pulled on the leather jacket and womanizer persona, who doesn’t talk to anyone in his class and just hangs out in janitor closets making out with a girl who thinks his persona is hot. and when she tries to get close to him, to form an emotional connection, he panics and self sabotages. which. yes. peak straight man behavior. i’m not arguing that this little characterization bit is the pillar upon which gay dean rests, i’m saying if you’re inclined, you can nudge it into gay kid going “oh no this is too much responsibility i gotta get out of this” behavior. and i’m inclined!

amara: the amara stuff is so. hdnfdkf. it’s this primordial connection or whatever stronger than dean and amara both and yet dean’s still able to buck it a few times for [drumroll........] cas! + i don’t have any of the posts on hand but i DO agree with the whole vibe of. “i would fuck the embodiment of my destruction and horrors and failings because my self loathing is THAT strong”. also: gay af for the being of destruction with an immutable pull on you and towards you to say i will give you your greatest desire and then give you your mommy back and dip.

and then there’s the various one night stand stuff. i don’t have the comprehensive list on hand, but off the top of my head these are times when dean has sex scenes that are given huge focus:

when he comes back from hell and everyone’s gently asking if he’s fine and he’s like could a guy who wasn’t fine do THIS [tries to sleep with a bartender and or angel]. when bobby dies and dean’s hardcore mourning and hardcore drinking to the point where i think his drinking is acknowledged for one of a true handful of times in the series. just checked the transcript for that one. the morning after:

DEAN: Ugh.

SAM: You look like crap.

DEAN: Yeah, well, I feel worse than I look. I do recommend the Cobalt Room, by the way. Awesome night. Although I think I'm getting too old for this.

which. again. normal straight man commitmentphobe hitting his 30s and going hmmm.... perhaps real connections would be nice? but that doesn’t contradict gay dean at all, it slots in. also this is season 7. season 7 and he’s too old for this. top of my head i can think of two more similar instances: s11 baby when he groans and goes “mistakes were made”, s13 advanced thanatology when cas is dead and he’s FULL ON grieving so hard that sam takes him to a strip club. and again. he over does it. again he throws himself too hard to the coping vices and when he wakes up he’s tired and sore and has a headache. the other time he gets laid is endverse, which uh. is basically dean in 24/7 mourn drink sleep with someone mode. there are like... a handful of times he has sex For Fun, enough to count on one hand. the rest are all real easy to slap the label PERFORMANCE or COPING WITH MOURNING on.

obviously all of these points go either way - you could absolutely interpret them as legit attraction to women. you can interpret them as legit attraction to women while these instances are still coping/performance. but for me personally they all end up on the gay column instead of the bi column. um. end manifesto i think.

[jiminscaramel]

cream of the crop | changkyun [mx]

[GENRE] smut, fluff

[COUNT] 4.4k+

[PAIRING] fem. reader x Changkyun (I.M)

[WARNINGS] f2l, unprotected sex, oral (f. receiving), fingering, cream pie, hair pulling, overstimulation, cockwarming, choking if you squint, multiple orgasms, edging

[AU] f2l au

[A/N] as requested by anon however I’m not too keen on how it turned out? I think maybe i crammed too much in such a short space of time and a small word count. I hope you still like it though and who knows! It might be up for a rewrite or a part 2

Something isn’t right.

Changkyun frowns, watching you speak within yourself – your chin lowered to your chest and your eyes avoiding contact – which is highly irregular. He knows something is eating away at you but for reasons unknown, you hadn’t yet shared what it was. He leans forward to take a sip of his milkshake before settling back in the booth and nudging Jooheon beside him.

“...so yeah. Dinner was whatever.” You shrug nonchalantly, picking at a basket of fries, which had gone stone cold.

“Don’t eat those,” Jooheon slaps your hand away and flags up a waitress. “I’ll get some more.”

“So how is he? Your boyfriend? You’ve been dating for what, a few months now? When do we get to meet him?” Changkyun pries gently into the sensitive topic of dating. Being your best friend, he’s been there through pretty much every relationship you’ve had – casual, serious and one night stands – and vise-versa. But he’s also seen the grisly sides, comforting you through the worst breakups, the most recent one happening just before you’d met David.

You shrug again, stirring the melted ice cream in your glass with your straw, staring lifelessly into the chocolate concoction. “He’s not my boyfriend. David is David. And I’m sure we can arrange something soon.”

Though Changkyun remains unconvinced and the further the conversation takes you all, the more he thinks he understands. “You don’t seem so happy about the whole idea.”

“It’s a great idea.” You deadpan, staring out the window.

An awkward silence fills the space as the waitress places a fresh basket of fries to share between the three of you. Changkyun thanks her before leaning forward, trying to catch your attention. “Something’s wrong.”

“No shit,” Jooheon quips, eyes glued to his phone screen.

“You’re not helping,” Changkyun fires back, pushing the fries in front of him. “Shut up and eat your fries.”

“Fuck you.” Jooheon laughs and tosses his phone on the table, pushing the fries back to the centre. He leans in too, his attention no longer preoccupied by the device in his hand. “So... What’s on your mind?”

The answer to that is a lot more complicated than you’d like to admit. Your hesitation isn’t because you don’t trust them and isn’t because you feel uncomfortable sharing your worries. In all honesty, you have no idea why you’re so hesitant; you’ve always been able to tell them anything. Absolutely anything. So why is this so different?

You take a deep breath and eventually open your mouth to speak. “I’m frustrated.”

Changkyun and Jooheon both stare back at you blankly, silently blinking as they wait for you to elaborate.

“David... is nice. I suppose. He’s just...” you blow out your cheeks, trying to find the right word. “Boring. In every sense of the word.”

Changkyun cocks his head to the side, studying you intensely, while Jooheon slouches back in the upholstery, arms folded over his chest.

Unsatisfied with the lack of reaction, you lean in closer. “His idea of fun is sitting in and watching cheesy sitcom reruns until late, with or without me. His ideal date is always some snobby, posh restaurant on the other side of town. The other day? I set up a blanket fort in my front room for us to cosy up in for when he came round and you know what he said? ‘I’m not a kid anymore’. I felt like such a fucking idiot.” You trail off, already aware that you’d shared much more than intended. But the embers still burn, all the frustration and upset igniting the flames.

“Not to mention that on the very few occasions we’ve had sex, I’ve never– never– you know...” you clear your throat and gesture with your hands to insinuate what you can’t voice aloud.

“A little TMI, but yeah,” Jooheon nods and you notice a little pink tint across his cheekbones.

“He just... rolls off me and falls asleep. And it’s always the same, mandatory, routine, boring sex. Pull my hair or something, choke me, I don’t know–”

“Ok, that’s definitely TMI,” Jooheon picks up his phone and starts scrolling through his feeds, but you know it’s more out of embarrassment than ignorance. You know he’s still listening.

Changkyun remains silent, his jaw clenching as he listens to your complaints with an understanding ear.

“But you know what I mean, right? There’s no passion. There’s no spark, there’s nothing. There’s just David. And me. It’s like we’re not even an item. We’re just two separate people who meet up to ‘fuck’ and pretend there’s a relationship outside of that. Christ, what a fucking mess.” You slump back, deflated but feeling a lot better than you had a few minutes ago.

“You’re right,” Changkyun says, smirking. “He is boring.”

Your heart stutters as you interpret his response the wrong way, implying that Changkyun is more than capable of fulfilling everything your date lacks. But you can’t possibly think of your best friend that way. That was crossing too many lines, despite the fact that Changkyun had become the standard to which you held men up to. And David was sure not up to standard.

“He seriously turned down a blanket fort?” Jooheon questioned, peering around his phone.

You nod, a little sadly.

“You know what this calls for?” Changkyun rapidly taps his hands on the table top in a quiet drumroll.

“I can’t, I’m working.” Jooheon mutters.

“David won’t–”

“Y’all haven’t even heard what I’m gonna say!” His shoulders drop and his hands stop tapping. “And honestly, fuck that guy. Fuck his opinion and fuck what he has to say. I know he’s your boyfriend–”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” You interrupt.

“–but I don’t like him. Just to be clear.”

“You and me both.” Jooheon adds.

There’s a pause before you finally voice aloud your true feelings. “Me three.”

Your phone rings and the caller ID displays his name. Plain and simple; no love hearts no emojis. No commitment. You decline but shoot him a text with the dreaded four words ‘we need to talk’.

“I need to go,” you sigh and stand up to gather your things, hugging each friend goodbye. Changkyun reaches down to embrace you and squeezes tight with affection, silently worried about how things will turn out for you. He starts to pull away but you hold onto him for a minute more, savouring his warmth and comfort.

The week passes by, with little importance. The breakup had been easy, effortless and it had definitely affected him more than it had you. If anything, you feel liberated, no longer obliged to suppress parts of your character to please someone else. You feel good about the whole thing.

But it doesn’t help the feeling that tugs at your heart in the small hours, the loud thoughts that crash around in your head. Why is it so difficult to find someone who understands you? Why do all your dates end up less than expected or just simply incompatible?

Your phone jumps to life beside your keyboard and your hands freeze in midair. You save your work and close the window, getting up to answer the call elsewhere. “Kyun, I’m at work.”

“I know, I know,” he sounds a little out of breath. “I’m sorry. Are you free after work?”

“Well I mean, I had a date with Netflix and my ice cream tub so I don’t know...” you tease, a small smile working the corners of your mouth.

He laughs into the receiver. “Well how about Netflix and ice cream at mine?” If you’d known any better, you’d think he sounded nervous.

“Sure,” you agree, surprised. It had been a while since you’d spent time at his and a frisson of excitement courses along your skin at the thought of possibly being alone with him. “Is Jooheon coming?”

“I’ll call him but he’s been really busy these days. I’ll let you know.”

You thank him and say goodbye, wary about your unattended desk and how that might look should your boss walk through. But before you can hang up, Changkyun shouts into the phone, “Oh! And wear something comfy!”

You arrive a lot earlier than expected, out of nerves or excitement, you can’t tell, fully kitted in sweats and a loose-fitting pullover. But Changkyun answers the door all the same, smiling broadly and sweeping you into a tight hug, before inviting you in. The place seems a bit dark, lights dimmed and blinds drawn before nightfall. You reach up to flick the light on as you slip your shoes off in the hallway, offering the bag of ice cream for Changkyun to take and freeze.

“You a vampire now? Why is it so dark in here?”

He immediately flicks it back off. “It’s a surprise.”

“You should know me by now. I hate surprises.” You mutter, following him into the kitchen. The door to the front room is closed, blocking your view and you grow more suspicious.

“I’ll freeze this for a bit before we bring it. We can dig into this instead.” He pulls out a sharing tub of chocolate fudge ice cream and places yours in the freezer.

“Sounds good,” you reply absently, heading towards the closed door. “Can I see what’s in there now. My curiosity is killing me.”

“Close your eyes.” He instructs, pulling out two spoons from the drawer and coming to stand behind you.

“No.”

“No one’s gonna jump out at you, I promise.” He reassures you, thinking back to the many times he and Jooheon have pranked you.

“That’s what you said last time.” You remind him.

“I promise.”

“So Jooheon isn’t on the other side of that door, ready to pie me when I walk in?”

“He’s coming later, he’s on a late shift.” Changkyun seems genuine enough and despite his history of pranking you, you trust him.

“Fine.” You give in and close your eyes, letting his cold hand slip into yours.You try to ignore the way your heart picks up at the simple contact but he squeezes your palm reassuringly and without thinking, you squeeze back. He gently pulls you along instructing you to be careful where you place your feet, but you know the layout by heart. You hear the door open and squeeze your eyes shut tighter.

Just as promised, there was no one else here. You faintly hear the sound of trailers playing on the Netflix start screen, waiting for a movie to be selected. He closes the door behind him and lets go of your hand. You feel his presence leave and move elsewhere in the room, fabric rustling.

His voice is low and inviting as he instructs you to open your eyes. They flutter open and you blink several times to adjust to the low light – or lights. Several fairy lights are strung up around the room, glowing softly, giving the impression of lit candles. They wrap around the sofa and curl around the fort in the middle of the room–

The fort.

Changkyun lays inside, his long legs poking out from the makeshift entrance, his weight propped up on one elbow. The blankets are pulled over several pieces of arranged furniture to create a colourful canopy and countless cushions line the inside. He’d somehow moved his tv and draped more blankets across it so you could both watch movies inside, without having to cram around a small tablet screen and there was plenty of room in there for all three of you.

Your hands fly up to your chest as you take in the sight, the sheer effort he’d put in to create the perfect blanket fort... just for you. “This is... so much better than the one I made.”

He laughs, a sound so refreshing and so ebullient. You crawl in beside him, a wellspring of praise falling from your lips, complimenting each and every detail. You feel tears well up at the back of your eyes but hold them back. You don’t want to ruin the moment.

“I figured, you know... that you should... embrace the things that make you happy. And so what if it’s a childish thing? Some of my fondest memories have been in blanket and pillow forts.” He shrugs and tears the lid off the tub, tucking into the already soft ice cream, avoiding your gaze.

You nod in agreement and feel your throat tighten again. It’s only a simple thing, a simple act of kindness, yet it means so much more than he could possibly imagine. You’re lost for words as you stare at his profile, in the least subtle way. He notices and holds the tub towards you in offering.

But instead you lean in and plant a tender kiss to the corner of his mouth.

It’s tentative, yet daring, a toe over the line to test the waters. Though you don’t know what it is you’re supposedly testing. Your friendship? Your boundaries?

“Thank you,” you breathe, pulling away to sit up but his hand slowly threads itself in your hair, behind your head. He holds you there for what feels like forever, finally meeting your eyes and boring into them. They sparkle with questions, the reflections of the fairy lights masking the raw emotion behind them.

And so to answer the first of his many silent questions you lean in again, kissing him for the first time.

He’s hesitant but gentle, his lips soft and secure. You press deeper into the kiss, eager and sure, ready to speed things up. Your mind races a million miles per hour, your heart struggling to keep up. You feel light headed but his grip tightens in your hair, the sharp pull grounding you.

A little whimper escapes your mouth in response and Changkyun takes the opportunity to pry your mouth open wider, his tongue tracing along the swell of your bottom lip. You lightly nip at his own, your teeth grazing the pillowy flesh.

When you pull away this time, your chests heave in unison, deep and laboured breaths. You stare at each other, the air thick with something indescribable, static and heavy.

“I-I’m sorry,” he stutters and yanks his hand away, clenching it into a tight fist.

Your head spins and your eyes droop, your voice luculent and confident as you reply, “I’m not.”

“Please–”

“I want you.” And you surprise yourself with how easy it is to admit it, to say those exact words.

Things happen so fast, it all becomes a blur. Your lips had locked again and somewhere in the sinful chaos, your pullover had been shed, your sweats well on the way to joining it in a haphazard pile. Your hair splays all over the pillows behind you, framing your face like a halo and all Changkyun can do is marvel at how perfect you look.

“Safe word.” He says, almost breaking the mood.

“Huh?” You pant, trying to sort through the muddle of things in your head to make sense of what he’s saying.

“A safe word. You know, something you say if I do something that’s too much, or vise versa. I don’t want to hurt you... or make you uncomfortable.”

You think of all the possible things Changkyun could do to you, most of them probably requiring a safe word, and blush beneath him. “Uh– vanilla?”

He laughs breathlessly overhead at the irony which draws a shy smile from you. “Vanilla it is.” He groans before diving in and tenderly kissing a trail from your neck all the way down to your panties, his tongue swiping delicious circles on your skin. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Those words, uttered in the most sincere way, have your whole body quivering in delight and wanton anticipation. Another whimper sounds at the back of your throat, your eyes transfixed on his head between your legs.

He doesn’t even bother taking them off, but pushes them to the side and dives right in. His tongue is warm, experienced as he licks a stripe between your folds, his plush lips suckling at your nub. You cry out at the direct contact, sparks of electric running up and down your spine. His thumb rubs little circles on your clit as his tongue dips into your entrance, the salacious sensations driving you wild.

“Oh god,” you whisper, your eyes squeezed shut as the familiar warmth gathers in the pit of your stomach. Your hands find themselves tangled in his chestnut brown locks, your back arching off the floor as you press him deeper into your core.

His tongue replaces his thumb on your clit and before you realise what’s happening, he plunges a finger inside you. He pumps in time to his mouth working wonders in between your folds and his groans against your pussy send you tumbling into oblivion.

Your hips buck up into his mouth, your cries rising in a steady crescendo. “Changkyun, I-I’m gonna cum–” your voice breaks on the last syllable, much like your self-control.

But he pulls out and away so suddenly, leaving you empty and cold and teetering on the edge of your peak.

“No,” you gasp, a sob escaping your chest in protest. “No.”

“Turn around.” His voice is dark, laden with authority you don’t dare disobey. You scramble on all fours, still dizzy with your denied climax. “You’re so beautiful. So perfect and all for me.”

You feel his hungry gaze crawl all over your body, head to toe, lingering on how pretty your pussy looks from this angle. He pulls his shirt over his head and shimmies out of his own sweats, but what you’re expecting doesn’t quite follow. Changkyun repositions himself on his knees and reaches forward to grab a fistful of your hair, tugging with a lot more force than before. His other hand snakes back into your core from behind, his fingers sinking deeper and deeper with every stroke.

Endless compliments and groans fall past his lips, watching as you fall apart with each passing second. His erection presses against the confines of his boxers, eager to spring free but not yet wanting to move on. He wants to explore you, devour you and savour every last part of you. He knows exactly which buttons to press and from the look in your eyes rolled back to look at him, he’s hitting every single one.

Your walls flutter dangerously around his fingers as his grip in your hair tightens, on the brink of your first orgasm. But you’re denied it a second time, tears pooling and threatening to spill over as you cry out loud again. “Changkyun, please!”

“Hm?” He pulls your head all the way back so your body is flush with his, his cock pressing into the back of your thigh. Had it not been for the cushions and blankets lining the floor, your knees would’ve given in. His lips graze your ear, a cold shiver rippling across your skin. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

His fingers pry your lips apart, the pads pressing onto your tongue, letting you taste your essence. You bite down gently on his fingers and he hisses again in your ear. “I can’t let you cum, baby. Not yet. Not like this.”

His hands fall from your hair and your mouth, finally freeing himself from his underwear. His fingers rush, almost clumsily, to pull your panties down, leaving them around your knees. He slips his member between your legs, sliding back and forth between your folds, coating his cock in your arousal.

“You feel so fucking good, y/n,” he groans deep in your ear, nibbling at your lobe. “So fucking good for me.” He gently lowers you back down to all fours, his hand pressing your head into the pillows, before slipping inside you.

You both sigh in content as he pulls out and thrusts back in, fully sheathing himself within you. The pace begins torturously slow before he begins to speed up, his hips eventually pistoning in and out of you relentlessly.

Your cries of pleasure make his head spin with fulfilled desire but only eggs him on to pleasure you further, not stopping until you’re a whimpering, shaking wreck beneath him. The sound of skin against skin sounds terribly out of place in a setting as sweet as this but you’re incapable of feeling any sort of shame or remorse when Changkyun is buried this deep inside you.

He twists one of your arms behind your back, the other hand tightly gripping your waist, pulling you back to meet every thrust. “You’re so tight, baby. I can feel every inch of you.”

He leans forward slightly and rolls a pebbled nipple between his thumb and finger, the sensation directly arousing your clit. The head of his cock finds the little magic spot within, and with every hit, you climb closer and closer to your previously denied release. “I can’t– I need to cum!”

Changkyun grunts, in acknowledgement or effort, you don’t know, and pulls out, flipping you over onto your back in one swift motion. “Not yet,” he rips the panties off and around your ankles before plunging back into you, one leg thrown over his shoulder.

He leans forward on his forearms, his nose inches away from yours, the soft light illuminating his striking features. His lips find yours again and this time it’s frantic and frenzied, completely lustful and and crazed, needing to feel and taste each other.

You gaze with glassy eyes into his and never before had you felt so at home. Your throat constricts with emotion as you grasp his face between your palms and savour every thrust, every touch and caress. And in the moment, with pent up feelings and a desperate need to to cum directing your thoughts, you utter those forbidden three words. “I love you.”

It wasn’t a complete sex-crazed confession. You do love him and had done for many years, though not in this way. It was a deep fondness that extended the realms of friendship, a fondness you had misinterpreted. Because Changkyun, was in every way, perfect for you.

“Fuck,” his jaw clenches as he holds himself back. “Say it again.”

“I love you, Changkyun,” you gasp as his rhythm changes, sharp and intermittent. “Please, I–”

He cuts you off, crashing his lips down on yours and lets your leg fall to wrap around his waist. The final sprint, you cant your hips up into him to meet in the middle, blubbering and babbling, a sobbing mess. You feel a mixture of your essence and his spit from before seep into the blankets below as he glides in and out of your sopping heat.

“I-I’m cumming,” you cry, loud enough for the whole street to hear. “God, Kyun, I’m cumming–”

He buries his head into the crook of your neck, suckling bruises into your skin, his sweat mixing with your own. Finally, the heat in your stomach unfurls and explodes, your core furiously clenching around his cock. After so many denials, your first orgasm is so strong it’s almost painful, blissful sobs wracking your frame.

You hold onto him for dear life as he grunts at the feeling, his pace relentless and unforgiving, the tip of his cock hitting your sensitive spot within. The overstimulation is almost too much to bear but beneath the slight discomfort and pain, you feel the promise of a second, continuous orgasm.

“Kyun, please–!” His hand comes up and quickly wraps around your throat, gently squeezing as you ride out your second climax.

“Baby, I’m– oh god, baby, I’m gonna cum for you,” his voice in your ear rises several octaves, his whines and whimpers getting you off even more. “You ready for me, baby?”

He feels your hair brush against his cheek as you nod and bites down on your neck as he thrusts  sharply once, twice into your core, sighing loudly and letting go of a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding, as he releases inside you, his cock twitching. He whimpers sweet nothings into your ear, your name falling from his lips like a blessing as he tries to catch his breath back.

He starts to pull away before you feel uncomfortable but you hold him in place, not wanting to be apart for now. Even holding still inside you proves to be too much, your fluttering and clenching walls overstimulating his softening member.

Changkyun knocks his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and inhaling your scent. He smooths your hair back away from your face and pulls back a little to look you in the eyes. “I love you too.”

The two of you stay as one, staring into each other’s souls, connecting on another level. This must be heaven, you think, the soft lights glowing around you in your little sanctuary. Your legs wrap around his waist and pull him deeper into you, afraid of letting go.

“I–” Changkyun is cut off by his phone ringing, shattering the delicate world the two of you had so arduously built. “Shit. I’m sorry.” He glances at you sheepishly.

“It’s ok,” you blush and almost wince as he slowly pulls out, his cum seeping out and soiling the blankets even further.

He scrambles for his phone and answers breathlessly, “Hello?”

You hear Jooheon on the other end, catching a word here and there.

“Uh– no, I– don’t think so. Rain check?” Changkyun glances at you again, this time with a glint of mischief. “Sure, I’ll let her know. Ok... bye.”

You open your mouth to ask about the conversation but something else occupies the forefront of your mind. “Kyun?”

He lays behind you, holding you flush to his chest. “Yeah?”

“How did you know...” you cover your face in embarrassment, but continue nevertheless. “How did you know... what things I like?”

You feel his heart thud in response before he answers. “I, uh–” he clears his throat. “I may have seen a certain page of your diary.”

“Kyun!” You turn around, your mouth agape with a mortified expression plastered all over your features.

“It was an accident, I swear!” He laces his hand through yours and apologises, kissing your nose. “It was a long time ago. I made sure to forget... until now...” his cheeks light up again and you giggle, high on euphoria.

“I should’ve added ice cream to that list.” You quip with an impish smirk.

He hoists your leg over his waist, his large hand squeezing your thigh. “Well, you know, it’s never too late to amend it.”

[fishoutofcamelot]

I saw your r recent contribution to the post about hard vs soft magic systems and I agree wholeheartedly. You also mentioned having a bunch of worldbuilding and stuff about the magic system, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share some?

(For reference, this is the post in question)

Certainly! While the worldbuilding/magicbuilding hellscape i was describing in the notes is actually in regards to an original-content wip I've been working on, i also have a LOT of headcanons regarding the BBCM magic system too! (Do not ask about my wip's magic system, because i won't be able to shut up about it)

WARNING: long post ahead and mobile won't let me include a cutoff/read-more line. If you're not interested, get ready to scroll down like your life depends on it (and it does).

So! First things first. Here's what we know about the BBCM magic system:

Magic requires spells, most of the time. This seems like a no-brainer, but still an important distinction. There are a lot of magic systems that don't require vocalized spells - Avatar: the Last Airbender, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Ninjago, to name a few. Spells are rather common for wizard/witch/medieval fantasies, and are typically used to control and channel the intent of the magic. This suggests that the magic of BBCM is some kind of force or energy that needs spoken commands to control.

Spells are repurposed words from Old English, aka the language of the Old Religion. (Let's ignore the obvious anachronistic nightmare of the fact that Old English is exactly the same language they would've been speaking in this time period.)

The use of a spell causes someone's eyes to flare gold, plus that fancy wooshing sound effect that Arthur miraculously never hears. This suggests that magic somehow changes your physiology, although it could be also just be a side effect of channeling.

However, magic doesn't always require a spell. Though never fully explained, it appears to be something only innate magic users are capable of - Merlin, Morgana, Mordred. It is something less controllable than spellwork, typically governed by moments of strong emotion rather than logical intent.

The show consistently flip-flops between the idea that magic is something you're born with, and that Merlin is rare for being born with magic. It's never clarified just how someone acquires magic. Gaius asks Merlin where he studied, suggesting that it's something you can learn, while Balinor claims that you either have it or you don't. Though not confirmed fact, i suspect it's similar to how it works in the show Supernatural. There, some witches are natural-born, while others are taught (and some get their powers from spooky demon deals).

It has a life-for-a-life policy. Basically like the Law of Equivalent Exchange from Fullmetal Alchemist, a life cannot be created without another one being sacrificed first. This rule only canonically applies to creating life/the Cup of Life, and any other possible applications aren't addressed.

This rule apparently doesn't apply to animals, as Merlin brought a dog statue to life without killing anyone (that we know of), and Valiant's shield had three live snakes in it. However, it's possible that lives were taken as payment in the process of animation without Merlin's knowledge, but it never happens on screen so we don't know. So either a) animals don't have souls to exchange in the life-for-a-life policy, b) they do but it happens off-screen, or c) those animated animals aren't actually alive.

The Cup of Life infuriates me from a magicbuilding perspective. Ignoring the obvious question of how it came into the druids' possession, its existence isn't clearly defined. Does it require the fancy rain ritual that Nimueh gave it, or was she just extra? Why does drinking from it give you life, while bleeding into it makes you undead and also mindlessly obedient to the sorcerer who made you as such? Were there life-for-a-life consequences for creating an immortal army? Wtf happened on the Isle of the Blessed to allow Merlin to "master life and death", and what does that even mean? All valid questions that never get answered.

Spells sometimes need need a 'source'. Think the staff from "The Tears of Uther Pendragon" and Morgana from "The Fires of Idirsholas." It is unclear what makes these spells different/special.

There is a power hierarchy. Some spells are too powerful for some practitioners to cast, although the reason for this is unclear. Does it drain you of energy/life force? Do you exhaust/overwork your magic muscles? Do you get a little pop-up that says 404 Magic Not Found? Unclear.

Magic is something that can be trained and improved. For example, Morgana gradually became more powerful over time. Merlin naturally had a lot of power straight off the jump and just had to discipline it, but he's a ~special~ case so he doesn't count.

There are some subsets of magic that are definitively born traits. Morgana is a Seer, possessing this capability even before her magic manifested. Likewise, Merlin is a dragonlord, which he inherited from Balinor. Although Balinor did mention that it wasn't a sure thing he would have the ability until he faced a dragon, so there may be some variation in whether or not someone lucks out in the Magic Gene Pool. This may suggest that natural-born magic is hereditary, as both Morgana and her sister Morgause had it. Vivienne and Gorlois both probably didn't have it, otherwise you'd hear Uther bellyaching about it, which raises the question of where they got it? A grandparent, perhaps? Maybe they both carried a recessive magic gene or something...

Unless you're Merlin, magic can be taken away by the Gean Canagh. It's not explained how this is possible, though, as it's never explained how you acquire magic in the first place. But Merlin never lost his magic because he's "magic itself" which if you ask me is just a deus ex machina wrapped inside a headache wrapped inside a heaping load of chosen one bullcrap. But it's canonical lore, so we have to consider it.

Despite my previous complaints, i actually find the idea of Merlin being "magic itself" rather intriguing. Is he a creature of magic, like a dragon or a questing beast? Is his body made of magic, like how a statue might be made of clay? Does it run through his veins like blood? If this is the case, then why didn't he suffer more severe ramifications for losing his magic? Why didn't it kill him? How did it restrict his magic in the first place? Placebo effect? The fanon explanation is that he's "the living embodiment of magic" but that makes my bullcrap richter scale shoot off the charts because that makes NO sense whatsoever. "Son of the earth, sea, and sky?" What does that MEAN?

There is a vivid link between magic and the Old Religion, which has its own beliefs and rituals and deities. Primarily, the Triple Goddess. The Triple Goddess is actually an existing deity in Neopaganism and Wicca. This also suggests the existence of the Horned God, another entity from neopagan lore and her masculine consort/counterpart, but that is never confirmed.

WHO. OR. WHAT. IS. THE. FREAKING. DOCHRAID. She's described as a creature of magic, which suggests that humans/humanoids can be creatures of magic, fueling my theory that 'Emrys' isn't human.

Destiny exists. It is unclear who creates/writes destiny, who controls it, who or what is privy to knowing about it, and what that means for the concept of free will.

The crystal cave is a thing, i guess. It's the heart of magic, is haunted by Taliesin, and is filled with prophetic crystals. I actually skipped the episodes that involve this stuff because i disliked them, so i don't know much about the Crystal Cave. Apparently ghosts can manifest there tho???

The veil is a thing too. It is unclear how some spirits can retain their human figure and mentality, like Balinor and Uther, but others become dorocha. I imagine its also like Supernatural - being a ghost for long enough will drive you insane, and though it takes a while all spirits eventually turn into dorocha.

Creatures of magic exist. These are normal creatures who have magic imbued into them somehow.

Okay, i think that's everything we know. It seems like a lot, but keep in mind that all of those rules are VERY nebulous. But that at least gives us a jumping-off point!

So here's my working theory/headcanon.

Magic comes from a connection to the spiritual energies of the Triple Goddess. Kinda like a third eye, and for the sake of simplicity that's what we'll call it. The druids have adapted a way of life that revolves around faith and magic, likely in an attempt to cultivate and one day attain this Third Eye. Like Gaius, who trained with the High Priestesses, you can study and practice and discipline yourself into acquiring it.

Magic is a cosmic force owned by the Triple Goddess, accessible to anyone with the Third Eye link. Imagine the Triple Goddess as a milkshake and the so-called Third Eye as a straw. The studying and training that people dedicate their whole lives to is basically just looking for/building a straw.

However, some people are just naturally born with a straw in hand, but require practice and study to be able to properly use it. Or like Morgana, it takes a few years for them to even find it/activate it.

Spellcasting is essentially just sucking through the straw, and the vocalized spells gives that Magic Milkshake some purpose/intent/shape.

The bigger the spell, the more Magic Milkshake is required. Some people have bigger/wider straws than others, so magic comes easier for them. But with enough training and practice anyone can widen their straw/strengthen their straw-sucking muscles to cast with the big leagues.

The Gean Canagh devours your straw/Third Eye. Perhaps you have to rebuild a new spiritual connection from scratch, or perhaps it permanently severs any and all connection to the Triple Goddess. Like getting excommunicated from the Church, only worse.

The Crystal Cave was/is the Triple Goddess's home, but she's out of town on a business trip atm so she left the spirit of her most loyal follower, Taliesin, to look after the place. It's super powerful and has all those cool crystals because it's hella steeped in her magic juices.

While most magic users get a standard-issue straw, others get Fancy Premium Membership Straws. Normal joe shmoes like Gilli have plastic straws, while a Seer like Morgana has a metal one or something (can you tell this metaphor is starting to get out of hand?). Those Premium Straws are only hereditary in nature. So there's a Seer Straw, or a Dragonlord Straw, or a Disir Straw, but it's also not a sure thing you'll even inherit it at all. It's all luck of the straw draw.

Creatures of magic aren't just animals that possess straws, though. They've been made/produced using magic rituals and processes and spells. Like Nimueh's afanc, nathairs, wraiths, shades, etc. So probably like a thousand years ago, some especially powerful shmuck came by and invented dragons. Which leads me to an important question: WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THE DOCHRAID WAS A GOOD IDEA.

Im reluctant to say these creatures were invented by the Triple Goddess, though, for reasons I'll get to in a moment.

So this still leaves the whole Cup of Life, life-for-a-life policy thing to be explained. I do believe that the policy is universally applicable to the creation of souls, and i do believe that animals have souls too. But individuals get their souls exchanged for those of equal value. So every soul has a certain weight to it, and you need to exchange souls of equal weight to create one. So when Merlin brought the dog to life, some random dog somewhere dropped dead against his knowledge.

Creating undead armies involves killing them and then resurrecting them. That's what 'undead' means. Zombies. So yes, to raise an immortal zombie army, Morgause's spell probably caused a bunch of people around the world to mysteriously drop dead.

Which leaves two last things to explain: destiny and Merlin.

Destiny is, i think, a combined effort between human choice and supernatural predeterminism. That is, for the most part humans make their own choices, but there are occasions where the Triple Goddess has to step in and do some course correction. Uther starting the Purge was free will, but Arthur and Merlin's destiny was an act of divine damage control. The Triple Goddess sets destiny into motion and informs a chosen few about it.

Okay SO. That leaves Merlin. And this is the bit im kinda excited about.

The Triple Goddess is a reservoir of power, a cosmic force of spiritual energy intrinsicallu linked to the fabric of the universe. People can spiritually reach out and tune into/channel her supernatural frequencies. But as a milkshake cannot suck itself through a straw, the Triple Goddess likewise cannot cast a spell. She can influence destiny, but she can't physically cast any magic on her own. That's why she didn't create the creatures of magic.

So a few years ago, Uther hecked up big time. And people of magic, the Triple Goddess's followers and acolytes and straw connections, were dying in droves. I can imagine that all those Third Eye tethers snapping en masse was painful for her to go through. She relies on the tethers to remain connected to the real world, and if all the tethers snap then she will be cut off from Earth altogether. And Earth requires magic to continue existing/thriving, so that's kind of a no-no.

So, the Triple Goddess knew that the only way to save the world was through divine intervention. Thus began the destiny of the Once and Future King and Emrys. She knew humanity is bigoted so there was bound to eventually be a repeat of Uther, so she made OaFK resurrectable, so they could keep him on the bench in case anyone ever needs him again.

Where does Merlin/Emrys fall into things?

Well. The Triple Goddess knew that saving her people and the world would require an immense magical undertaking, something no ordinary magic user would be able to pull off. But she has the power, if only she could use it. But a human can. So the Triple Goddess decided to be reborn into the body of a dragonlord's son. Merlin. Emrys. Magic itself.

Of course, this whole Being Born As A Human Thing is tricky, and as anyone familiar with reincarnation knows, you don't usually recall your past lives. So she became Merlin, unaware that he was ever the Triple Goddess. (Although she did add a clause saying she'd be destined to remember her past life eventually, which got hecked up for reasons ill explain later)

That's why so many creatures of magic/magic users recognize Merlin by his presence, why thr druids carry such reverence for him. Whereas the sidhe and other individuals don't recognize him, because they are blinded by heresy. They may have a spiritual connection to the Triple Goddess, but do not use her magic as she intended, and she's too busy wearing jaunty scarves to excommunicate them herself.

Why get the Once and Future King involved when she could just save everyone herself? Well, the Triple Goddess prefers to let the humans keep their agency and save themselves, and would rather remain in the role of protector/helper. Its just her nature.

But if that's the case, then why did Arthur's destiny fail? It's simple: Kilgharrah.

Remember what i said about the Horned God, counterpart to the Triple Goddess? Yeah, that's Kilgharrah. Like the Triple Goddess, he's another power reservoir, but he's jealous because people worship her and not him. He is against everything she does and actively seeks the destruction of the Triple Goddess's magic/influence for Jealous Evil Reasons. To stop him, the Triple Goddess enlisted some of her followers to bind him into the body of a dragon (perhaps this is how dragons were created) so he would never be able to do that. Years later, the Purge happened and "Kilgharrah" got locked away, further cut off from his power.

When Merlin walked in, unaware that he used to be the Triple Goddess, Kilgharrah seized his chance at revenge and manipulated Merlin into setting him free. Then, once free, he decided to lay claim to the power vacuum left by the Triple Goddess's quasi-absence. He began controlling destiny in whatever limited capacities he could, using magic of his own to permanently bury Merlin's knowledge of his past life. Then he ensured that Arthur would die and the Triple Goddess's magic would never return. But since he doesn't have FULL control over destiny (his powers are still limited by his dragon form, after all), he couldn't rewrite the bit where Arthur gets benched in Avalon. He's probably conspiring with the sidhe to ensure Arthur stays trapped there forever, or else he would've come back a long time ago.

As for how the Gean Canagh took Merlin's magic...well, yes, it devoured his Third Eye straw, but those are created by a strong spiritual connection to the Triple Goddess. And since he's literally the big TG himself, all he had to do was find himself again (by returning to his old home, the Crystal Cave) to recreate a new one.

Over the last 1500 years, Kilgharrah/the Horned God has been steadily accruing followers and worshippers in the hopes that one will become strong enough to release TG's bonds on him. Then he can kill her once and for all and claim full dominion over the universe, with the sidhe to support him.

I imagine that's how Arthur's resurrection would happen - Arthur and the rest of the dead Round Table are in Avalon when they learn about the treachery and plot to kill Merlin/take over the world, and spend the next few hundred years fighting their way out of Avalon.

Okay, I think that just about covers it. God, that was long. Any questions?

[brooklynislandgirl]

Beth and UARF!Billy - ❤♡❥ღ💕💘💝💓💌💟💙💚💜💛

Heart-Eyes || -

Five A.M.

Beth’s barely awake as she comes into the office, coffee in hand, only to come face to face with the widest grin she has ever seen on Hal Gates’ face. Dark eyes dancing, he relieves her of her thermos cup, takes both her arms in his hands, and swing-dances her around the cramped space where they work.

“We’ve done it, girl!”

Though abjectly confused, Beth can’t help but grin in return. “Wha’ve we done?” She wants to be just as thrilled, wants to share in the old man’s joy. “We’ve got data on white pointer mating! I’m running the compile now, we should be able to parse it and watch the video footage within an hour or two!”

She’s floored.

The shock is clear on her face, even her mouth drops open a little. Often bandied about as the Holy Grail of marine biology, great-white mating is known to exist. Despite decades of research into the habits of the species, that particular bit of knowledge has eluded marine biologists.

“Wha...? How?”

“Mate of mine, Crawford down in New Zealand has taken a fisherman’s eye-witness account on our elusive little friends, and shared video. Crawford sent me all of the data.”

“Oh, Hal.”

Dr Gates nods at her eagerly and once again promenades her around some tables, brushing past a stack of hastily shoved aside folders with charts of migration patterns, weather reports, and feeding data. Then, far more carefully, he hands her into a seat and plops down into an office chair, slapping his knees in pleasure and pride.

“Speaking of mating rituals...”

Beth laughs but blushes at the same time, eyes askance. She suddenly knows what he’s going to ask, or at least of whom.

“...And since we have so little to do until all the research is collated and complied...”

“Must we?”

“No finer time, girl.”

She holds her hands up to stave him off until she gets up, crosses the room and takes a sip of her coffee. Not exactly how she wanted to start the day, but there’s no real reason not to humour her mentor.

“Have at, den.”

“Excellent.” Hal Gates really is an inveterate old gossip.

~*~

❤: who is more affectionate in public? in private?

Beth laughs. Okay, so this isn’t really so bad. “I t’ink I gotta say...I’m more affectionate in public. Mos’ of da time, Doctah Manderly... just doesn’t know what t’ do. Very stiff, hands in his pockets or stand at parade rest.”

The last cocktail party had been a half disaster, between trying to get William to mingle with the public attendees and not leave to check on his seals at first opportunity. The one time he surprised her was when he put a hand on the small of her back though the illusion was broken when she found that the six-foot-six man was trying to ultimately hide behind her. No amount of mock-tails were going to spare him any acute discomfort.

“Probably for da best. No offence, but he’s very definitely...ah....British.”

“None taken.” Hal offers her a wink and taps the side of his nose.

“But even behind close doors? He just... lil uptight, I guess. I sometimes wonder if mebbe he’s worried about havin’ an episode, and some affections are difficult when you have a service dog nearly t’ree-quarters ya size intent on doin’ her job, but I’d say he at least tries when it jus’ da two of us. Fingahs in my hair, brush against my arm. Da kine.”

Hal nods, knowing the specifics without having to drag them out of her.

♡: who is the bigger romantic openly? secretly?

"I t’ink,” she begins, carefully considering this one. “Dat anyone who loves da sea so much dat dey would give up a whole life to dedicate demself to it...got a big romantic soul. What is da ocean, if not love an’ life, an’ all dat we dream of in songs an’ poetry? I only t’ink it’s harder for him to express dat because well..”

She makes a dismissive gesture.

It isn’t that he grasps the concepts of language and expression, they’ve certainly entertained passionate arguments, verbal jousts that have filled the air with sign and countersign.

“Romantically speakin’ I jus’ don’ see him as da type dat I’m gonna find outside my window wi’ an ole boom box, playing In Ya Eyes by Petah Gabriel, ya know? But I also don’t believe he wouldn’t t’ink about it. So secretly? Him. Openly, me.”

❥: who is more likely to plan something big for valentine's day?

“Honestly, Hal...I’d have t’ say him. He’s a planner. Wants every detail to be perfect, will second guess himself a hundred times jus’ to make sure dere no wrinkle in the research. Me? Always been da spontaneous kine, except when it came to really wantin’ to work wit’ you.”

Hal pats her lap, his face soft.

ღ: who is more likely to initiate hand-holding in public?

“Again, it would be William. I don’ know wha’ he’s t’inkin’ a lot of da time, if he’s even aware dat I am dere sometimes. An’ I don’ really wanna make a big deal about it, don’ wanna ovahstep. For me, it’s a much more difficult proposition, is like...touch is where I’m most comfortable, outside of typing endless notes or readin’ data.”

She nods toward the words scrolling along the screen. She fully disclosed her disabilities when she applied for the position so thankfully she doesn’t have to explain now. Most of the other people at the facility don’t even really notice. Except for maybe Ben who sees too much and maybe says too little. That’s to be expected though when you gather a bunch of scientists and stick them in one beautiful place.

“You want him to initiate more, don’t you?”

“I would, yeah. But dere always more important kine and so really guess it nevah really matter.”

💕: who is more likely to make huge declarations of love in front of other people?

“Fair question an’ I guess dat would be me. We...we agreed not to make a big t’ing about any of dis, you know how quirky everyone here is, an’ in case it doesn’t work out, we don’ want da kine t’ get weird. Especially wi’ James an’ Miranda. So if somet’ing like dis were t’ happen it’s probably because he push all my buttons an’ my tempah got da best of me, right? Could see it happenin’ over breakfast. On da beach. Mebbe by da pools.”

Which is why she tries so hard to keep her passions in check. She doesn’t want to blurt out anything that can’t be taken back.

💘: who developed a crush on the other first?

“Couldn’t say,” and in those two words it is the breadth and depth of her honesty. Beth doesn’t have crushes in the same way most people do. She’s never seen anyone and instantly found herself immersed in fantasies, desires, a desperate need to be around them. She might find someone intellectually stimulating and enjoy the conversation. She might notice that something about them calls to her artist’s eye and be aesthetically pleasing in its symmetry, someone might make her laugh but she doesn’t dwell. And by the time there is the first inkling that she might want more out of a situation or relationship, she’s already become close friends. Or she watches as that object of her affection drifts beyond reach and she tells herself she’s happy because they clearly needed something more than she’s even capable of giving.

And sometimes, Beth wonders if she isn’t really broken or damaged in some way. Because she can’t even say she ever had a crush on Billy. She doesn’t know that she can say she has any expectations other than they look good together on paper, and it’s been drilled into her since birth that appearances *do* matter. “Mo’beddah you should ask him.” Gates doesn’t say anything, he only nods.

💝: who spends more time (possibly overthinking) what presents to get the other?

“William. For same-same reasons as Valentines Day, an’ da need for everyt’ing to be as exactin’ as he can make it. Like, how hard and how long it take him to find...or more likely, *breed* dem two purple neocardinas in my office?” Shrimp like the two in her tank, deliriously happy and spoiled and free of predators, are rare in size and colour, and yet… there they are. Then there’s the allegorical evidence of his severe and frothing dislike of mass consumption marketing, the complete commercialisation of every secular and religious holiday, the pastiche of feelings tacked on almost like an afterthought.

💓: who initiates most physical contact?

Beth hesitates. That’s slightly more personal than the other questions so far and truth be told she’s a little ashamed of having to answer without specific parameters. But it is a question, and she did agree to answer them with the same honesty as she offers Hal in all their other work and conversations. “I’ve always done well wi’ sensory input dat was based in kine oddah dan auditory. Smell, taste, seeing… but of alla dem, touch has always been important to me. Textures, near imperceptible data processed t’rough skin. An’ I guess dat I use dat wi’ him. Way to express ideas or sensations dat might not come across ordinarily. Enthusiasm, excitement, humour, rage, disappointment. I wan him to feel an’ understand when I don’ have da words in me, or know how to express. A lot of da time, it’s accidental or at least….subconscious.” A beat goes by. “I don’t believe he really cares much for it.”

💌: who is more likely to send cutesy texts to the other?

This one is hard for her to answer because they aren’t really cutesy text people. Most of their days are too filled with very real world drama, service to the greater good, the understanding and conservation of the most vulnerable environments and animals within. There’s weather, there’s reports, there’s an entire litany of experiences that don’t leave much time to play around until well after hours when they can finally seek well deserved liberty. However, Billy does sometimes send her pictures of the seals doing very cute seal things, or Annie shepherding him and his charges with the boss-vibes of the Queen Mother. In the end she only offers her mentor a smile and a shrug.

💟: who spends time reading their zodiac compatibilities?

“Oh absolutely I do. Find da whole pseudo-science of it fascinatin’, especially when da stars are not in da same position as dey were when it was invented an’ da psychological impact it has on our species is jus’ totally wild, you know?”

Beth knows that she’s the textbook definition of a Cancerian woman, and Billy does a good job providing a counter-argument on being a Libra. Further there’s a bit of an annoyance factor; he thinks junk science ‘belongs in the bottom of the bin with the rest of the rubbish.’ And he has a point, to some extent, even if she doesn’t agree with him. Not everything can be cold facts and numbers. Sometimes a little playfulness was in order and he absolutely needed to be reminded of that.

Hal laughs and shakes his head. “You’re going to do my chart then, aren’t you?” “Wit’out a doubt, Doctah Gates.” She wiggles her brows.

💙: who is more protective?

“I think objectively, I am. You know William’s troubles, and I have to keep them all in mind dough it’s not like he can forget dem, right? Some of his facts aren’t… I’ve consulted with some medical doctors and if we are careful, dere’s a lot he can experience dat he sees out of reach but I don’ like bringing dem up because I don’ want to agitate him. Only can lead t’ problems.” She does wish though that he’d trust her a little more, that he’d let go of some of his well deserved fears. That he’d let himself out of his shell and accept that even with limitations he can do many of the same things as the rest of the group does. But he seems content enough to hang back, ever the observer. And she doesn’t know if it’s her place to try to drag him into things though she might be better at it than anyone else. Miranda has told her as much.

💚: who tends to get sick more often? who is better at taking care of the other?

Hal’s question is really a continuation of the previous one and once again she has to call Billy out on it. Because she’s never really been sick a day in her life, not since early childhood and the culmination of that was the test bite that nearly lost her the leg she keeps tucked away, hidden out of sight whenever possible. “Dat seems a small kine ingenious, he no can help his seizure disorder. An’ I feel like he really ought to have a good psychologist. I t’ink some t’erapy would do him good. Spends too much time in his own head an’ mebbe not enough taking charge of his life. I know he can be afraid of lots of t’ings but it nevah really *has* to be dat way. But I also don’ wanna push him, for same-same reasons I mention before. You can lead a shark to chum but no can make him frenzy, know what I mean?” The analogy is silly. Billy wants so much more than what he feels he has. And a darker current in the back of her mind wonders if they would still be the same if he felt he could reasonably have them. That feels so selfish and toxic and she really has no place casting judgement on him when maybe she’s no better off than he is, only expressing it differently.

💜: who said "i love you" first? or, if neither has said it yet, who is more likely to say it first?

It’s strange how perceptive he is and goes in for the killing bite. The honest truth is that neither one has said it. And neither one likely will. Billy has layers of guilt and trauma, has beliefs that she cannot get a single foothold to try and tear apart. He doesn’t feel deserving of such a finer emotion. And Beth? She has her own reasons. She doesn’t even know if love is a thing that exists or if it’s some fairy-tale people tell themselves to make it easier to get by. She believes in affection, and she believes that people bond the same way packs and pods and herds do. But she feels the concept of love is poisonous. Ruinous in the way it can destroy someone from the inside out. And how any time she’s ever thought she’d felt it, it was ripped out from her grasp. She won’t say it. She won’t hear it.

She doesn’t answer him immediately, but instead gets up and paces away, appearing as though she’s checking on some of the cameras situated around the bay. The wall that she’d left down for Hal goes back up, slamming into place.

“Research from both psychology and neurology fields have found that there are twelve different areas of the brain that light up and work together when two people are attracted to one another, releasing chemicals like dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin and vasopression. All the symptoms people experience are simply animal-instincts provided to guarantee that we as a species survive by either wanting to mate, or flee.”

💛: who believes in soulmates?

And Gates understands he’s made an error in judgement, though he’d only been trying to be helpful in a meddling kind of way. Anyone at the facility could see that Billy and Beth were two sides of a very quirky but ultimately needed coin. That they’d both changed each other in the two years she’d been a research fellow, and how they’d both blossomed for it. Well, anyone but the two of them. And this had seemed like such a good idea at first, tied into shark mating habits which he’d hoped she’d take better than she is.

Her answers have thus far matched up quite nicely with the boy’s.

Sadly, especially this one. She doesn’t turn to look at him. “There are no such things, Doctor Gates. And even if there were, statistically it would be almost impossible to meet a soul mate. Within the same general age group there are about a half a billion potential companions all over the world. One would have to travel the entirety of the world, every remote pocket of the planet. Secondly, there’s no scientific proof that souls even exist, and enough studies across various disciplines to prove that they don’t. Believing in such nonsense only makes a person unhappy. And all that aside, most mammals are not biologically programmed for monogamy and I doubt human beings are either.” Because if they were, why would anyone leave someone they claimed to love?

[mobius-prime]

165. Sonic the Hedgehog #97

My Secret Identity

Writer: Karl Bollers Pencils: Nelson Ribeiro and Harvey Mercadoocasio Colors: Frank Gagliardo

So Sonic has his latest plan in place. He's dressed himself up entirely in black clothing, covering everything but his eyes to disguise his identity. In true "cartoon hero disguise" fashion, it's obvious that it's him if you look at him for more than two seconds so that he'll be recognizable to us the audience, but somehow no one who sees him within the comic itself recognizes him. As he gets himself ready for his mission, Geoffrey and his team prepare for theirs as well. Due to the damage the shadow-bot sustained when Geoffrey needlessly fired his crossbow bolts into it, Uncle Chuck's message comes through garbled, leading the Secret Service to believe that Eggman still has the sword instead of Uma. As they discuss their plan of action, Sally approaches to give her own opinion on things.

What I don't get here is that Geoffrey fully acknowledged just a couple issues ago that Sally is a far more capable leader than Elias, and yet he immediately jumps in to argue with her when she gives her own opinion on how the proceedings should go. I guess he really does just hate Sonic that freaking much, huh? Sonic, meanwhile, has snuck out of the village, but while he makes his way through the forest intending to search for Uma, he encounters the Secret Service trudging through the forest as well. Overhearing that they intend to head for Robotropolis to follow their inaccurate lead, he reluctantly follows them there instead… with the goal of protecting them. So Geoffrey does everything he can to sabotage Sonic's status as a hero and his relationship with Sally, and yet the moment Sonic realizes Geoffrey may be in trouble, he immediately goes out of his way to help him - in secret, no less, with no thought to his own ego. Here we have the obvious difference between a true hero, and a self-serving jackass.

In Eggman's HQ, Colin has brought one Professor Cheddermund to share some data he and his people found while traveling space. Eggman acts grateful and escorts Colin out so he, Snively and Cheddermund can "discuss" the data, but instead, strange symbols begin to scroll across the professor's eyeglasses, hypnotizing him… As the two evil geniuses sedate him, Sonic secretly tails the Secret Service, looking out for them as they traverse the dank alleyways of the city - but unfortunately they're not stealthy enough, and some cameras catch them in the act, alerting Eggman. However, barely a moment after the images transmit to him in his HQ, the screens go blank.

Despite his attempts to literally cover up for Geoffrey and his team, they're all captured, and Sonic, in trying to get to them, ends up captured as well. This leads into one of the most unintentionally hilarious pages in the entirety of the Archie Sonic comic series.

Everyone is placed in a cell together, where Geoffrey acts understandably suspicious of Sonic, though he doesn't recognize him. Sonic tells him that he's called "The Sneak," and is an operative from Sand-Blast City here on reconnaissance for his people. Eggman shows up, gloating over their capture, and takes Geoffrey away for an "interrogation," which strangely just means being transferred to another cell alone for a little while. When Geoffrey is returned, Hershey is taken away next, followed by Wombat Stu. When the shadow-bots bring him back and take Heavy and Bomb away, Sonic says that they need to get out immediately, and suggests leaving Heavy and Bomb for now, as since they're robots they can't be roboticized. Geoffrey gets angry at the suggestion that he leave some of his team behind, a sentiment that I actually agree with him on for once, but before they can really get an argument going, a loud explosion drowns them out.

Well, it appears Eggman forgot that one of his prisoners was a literal bomb, eh? They make their quick escape through the hole blown in their cell wall, and when Geoffrey turns around to check on "The Sneak's" status, he's mysteriously gone. However, perhaps their escape was not all it seemed, as Snively and Eggman watch from afar, snickering to each other about how the others didn't even guess that they'd secretly reprogrammed both Heavy and Bomb to orchestrate a fake escape, and now that they're free, the two robots will be able to do a lot more from the inside…

Meanwhile Sonic has, of course, raced away at top speed to get back to Knothole before the Secret Service does, stashing his disguise in a hollow log near the village's entrance. However, before he can reenter Knothole, someone from offscreen yells for him to freeze and surrender… and a notice at the bottom of the page informs us that Sonic Adventure 2 has begun! That's right - next issue we cover the story of Sonic Adventure 2, but like I mentioned before, it's a bit different from the adaption of the first game…

To the Brink

Writer: Ken Penders Pencils: Ron Lim Colors: Frank Gagliardo

Green Knuckles and Turbo Tails are currently locked in a fierce battle with each other. Knuckles is mostly lashing out due to pain and confusion, wanting to be left alone, and Tails is fighting back just because, well, that's what you do when a superpowered green echidna starts punching you in the face. He continues to insist that he doesn't want to fight, and repeatedly tries to get Knuckles to stop lashing out so they can talk.

Knuckles, of course, responds to Tails' pleas for him to stop fighting by hitting Tails in the face with lasers from his eyes, because yeah, sure, okay I guess. Tails retaliates by grabbing onto Knuckles' ankles with his namesakes, which are apparently totally prehensile, and dangling him upside down. This pisses Knuckles off even more, and he flips Tails over and begins violently beating him into the pavement, which is of course a totally reasonably and proportionate response to such an act. Merlin and Athair actually consider stepping in at this point, but Knuckles suddenly stops dead, having heard a ghostly echo of Julie-Su's voice calling for him. He immediately disappears in a flash of light, and a distraught Merlin rushes to the unconscious Tails' side, asking Athair how things could have gone so wrong. Athair is confused as well, since apparently according to the both of them, Turbo Tails is even more power than Super Sonic. Athair decides to probe Tails' mind, and what he finds there shocks him - he realizes that this isn't even Tails at all! Somehow, it's a mere copy of Tails - not a robot, but some kind of organic duplicate which thinks and acts exactly like him, and even believes himself to be him.

I mean, I guess discretion could be helpful in this situation, but is it really a good idea to just plop this imposter Tails back into Knothole without telling anyone? This means the real Tails is out there somewhere, somehow having been kidnapped when no one was paying attention. But who could have taken him, and how, and why…? Well, we'll have to wait for answers on that one, as now we move into the preboot's take on Sonic Adventure 2!

[perspective-series]

Switched Perspective (21)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: Mentions of Past Trauma, arguing, death threats, self-deprecation, fear, and guilt

(Check the reblog for the links to the previous chapters and the prequel!)

This is a sequel to A Third Perspective! Read that first or you will be confused!

 Logan looked at the bedroom door as it shut, hearing the resounding click. He sighed, trying not to get stressed over the reality that he was alone with Virgil. The others were in that room. If Logan called for them they would come.

 ...if they could even hear him, that is.

 Virgil took in another deep breath, having no idea how to start this. And he thought Roman and his talk started out awkward? That was nothing in comparison to this. But he had to say something, had to get the ball rolling somehow.

 “I’m sorry.” He winced at his own words. Like Logan would forgive him with those words alone. Though, he supposed it was a good start, at least.

 Logan sighed, standing up. Best to get this over with as quickly as possible.

 “I forgive you,” Logan said, tersely putting his hand out towards Virgil for a handshake. 

 Virgil stared at Logan’s outstretched hand. “No, you don’t.” 

 “Yes, I do.” Logan frowned at him. “Now hurry up and accept my forgiveness so we can be done with this.”

 Virgil groaned, before taking a seat. “No. Look, Logan. I get it. I want this over with too. But in order for us to turn back to normal...well, I’m pretty sure this all has to be genuine. We can’t just fake all this and expect whatever power who did this to us to believe it.”

 “Well, then that’s impossible.” Logan subconsciously took a few steps back, lowering his arm. “Because it’s quite literally impossible for me to truly forgive your actions in this form. You’ve already done me harm twice. This…” Logan put a hand on his chest, trying to find the words to describe his emotions. “...well, frightened sensation shall only retreat once you are no longer physically capable of harming me again. Although I suppose that was your goal, so congratulations. You’ve doomed us all.”

 Virgil winced, looking away for a moment. “...I know. And I...I regret it so much. If I had made one mistake you would be-!” Virgil stopped himself, before taking another deep breath. Panicking here would do nothing good.

 “But I know it’s hard for you to forgive me...because I still haven’t forgiven you yet. You’re feeling exactly how I felt when we were normal.”

 “Exactly how you felt?” Logan could have laughed. “And when exactly did I try to psychologically torture you? Or dangle you off a building? My own actions, while wrong in their own right, never came from the position of trying to cause you harm.”

 “And you think I knew that! Maybe after the whole thing with Dee, maybe. But everything before that? I thought you were going to, I don’t know, dissect me or something! And you really never gave me a good enough reason to believe otherwise either.” Virgil grit his teeth. “And even after everything, when I knew you wouldn’t hurt me, the idea of being trapped in that cage forever still gives me a panic attack!”

 “How unfortunate.” Logan sneered. “As if you’re the only one who’s dealt with trauma. I never intended to trap you in that cage forever, but after truly getting to know you I think such a fate would be fitting.”

 “...What?” Virgil had to take a step back and that. Sure, he felt bad and maybe he even deserved that as Logan stated. But Logan actually saying that?

 “Well, then, maybe I should have just let you fall,” Virgil said back, returning Logan’s sneer.

 Logan froze, paling when his own incident was brought up, still so fresh in his mind. “...no.” Logan protested weakly, his voice quieter than before.

 “Yeah, if you think I deserve to be in a cage then might as well do something that’s worth being in there for.” Virgil slowly reached out his hand towards Logan.

 “NO!” Logan yelped, backpedaling away from those fingers that mere hours ago had dangled him over certain death by a loose piece of fabric. In his haste Logan tripped, falling onto his butt as his heart rate skyrocketed.

 Virgil ignored Logan, grabbing him in his fist and bringing him up to eye-level. “Can’t put me back in the cage if you’re dead.”

 Logan felt chilled to the bone, staring into Virgil’s uncaring gaze. He gulped, beginning to tremble horribly. Logan should have known better than to trust Virgil to actually be better. It had only been a matter of time before Virgil showed his true nature, waiting until Logan was alone and vulnerable...but wait! He wasn’t alone, not completely.

 “PATTON!” Logan screamed as loud as his little lungs allowed. “THOMAS! ROMAN!”

 Patton whipped his head to the door. “Oh no.” He whispered as his eyes widened. “Logan!” With Roman in his hands, he ran out of the room only to see the sight of Virgil holding Logan in a fist.

 “Virgil! Put him down now!” Patton demanded.

 Logan let out a few desperate sobs, feeling overwhelmed by emotion as the crowd came in. They had heard him. That was all Logan could ask for.

 Thomas froze, eyes wide as he watched the scene before him. This...this wasn’t his Virgil. Virgil might tease, but Thomas had thought that was all just witty banter. Was something more afoot at play?

 Virgil froze as he heard the others come in and at Patton’s shout. He turned towards them, looking at Patton. His anger was slowly dwindling, replaced by an incoming sense of what he had just done. He winced.

 Patton came over, shifting Roman to one hand as he held out his free one for Logan. Silently, Virgil handed him over, not looking at any of them.

 Patton turned around and looked down at Logan with concern. “Oh Logan, are you okay? What happened?”

 Roman winced, looking at Logan’s disheveled state. “Oh no...Logan, are you alright?”

 “Are you hurt?” Thomas asked, peering over Patton’s shoulder as well. 

 “I…” Logan’s voice was raspier than he would have liked, and he felt quite raw from this experience. “I am not harmed, physically. You came in just prior to him enacting his threats.”

 “Threats?” Patton looked behind him at Virgil, who was looking down at the ground, gripping his arm. Oh, Virgil… Patton shook his head. “Maybe it was a bad idea to leave the two of you alone…”

 “What were you thinking?” Roman yelled, trying to get a good look at Virgil though Patton blocked his way.

 “I...he said I deserved to be in that cage forever…” Virgil mumbled.

 “...well what were you thinking?” Roman turned to Logan exasperatedly. Antagonizing a human who already hated you was generally a good way to get yourself killed. Not that Roman thought Virgil was a killer, but… well, Roman had already been proven wrong about Virgil becoming a good person. 

 “He said he should have let me fall.” Logan looked up at Patton. “He wants me dead.”

 It was quiet for a moment.

 “What?!” Thomas exclaimed, head rapidly turning to look between the two guilty parties. “Why would you say that? Why did any of this come up in a conversation about friendship?”

 “Well to be fair, wanting someone dead is a fairly large barrier on the road to friendship,” Roman commented darkly, looking solemn.

 Patton snapped his head towards Virgil at Logan’s words. “Virgil...how could you. Did you not listen to anything we talked about before?!” Patton yelled. Virgil continued to look down, not wanting to see all the kinds of disappointment on their faces.

 “I don’t...I don’t actually want him...dead.” Virgil finished lamely. At this point though, he doubted anyone would believe him.

 “Then why did you tell Logan that?!” Patton was more than disappointed at this point. No, he was straight-up upset with Virgil. Patton couldn’t understand Virgil’s actions at all.

 “I...I was angry…” He let his anger overtake him when Logan had said that. “I was really trying to make up but when Logan had said that I…” He trailed off, letting out a shaky sigh.

 “Okay, there seems to be a lot of tension here that I don’t fully understand.” Thomas pointed out. “Maybe we should all just...take a moment, calm down and come back to this.”

 “No!” Logan’s exclamation was angry, a passion filling his words that had been absent due to fear. “No, this is ridiculous! Magic is for fairytales. None of this makes any logical sense.”

 “But, the scroll-” Thomas’ argument was cut off.

 “Forget the scroll.” Logan insisted. “We’ve all just interpreted a random mystical hypothesis together because we are frightened of the concept of not having actual explanations. But the point stands that there are no witches dictating our lives. I say we head to bed. We all changed in our sleep last night, did we not? Perhaps it will happen again.” Or perhaps this is all just some horrible dream, and I will finally be able to wake up.

 “...I think that might be a good idea.” Patton agreed. “How should we…? I mean, if we do switch back you two really shouldn’t be in the walls.” Patton spoke to the two shrunken humans.

 “Indeed.” Logan murmured. “Not to mention the giant rat…”

 “I’m sorry, the giant what?” Thomas frowned, feeling like he missed something.

 “Perhaps it would be best if we all slept together, then?” Roman suggested, ignoring Thomas’ question. He glanced in Virgil’s direction. “...almost altogether. It’ll be like a slumber party.”

 “I can go prep your bed, Logan,” Thomas suggested, figuring they would need the room. He left, heading back down the hall.

 Patton nodded and turned back to the two shrunken humans. “Maybe you’re right Logan. Maybe we...will turn back if we just sleep.” At least, he hoped for all their sakes. 

 Virgil finally looked up at them, noticing none of them were paying any attention to him. He sighed, he deserved the cold shoulder in all honesty. He’d probably be sleeping on the couch tonight.

 “Um, guys?” Thomas returned, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. “There’s a bunch of papers all over, what should I do about them?”

 Logan tensed.

 “Ah...you know, maybe it’s best we sleep at my place,” Roman suggested tactfully.

 “Yeah, that’s probably for the best.” Patton started towards the door, paying little attention to Virgil. Virgil didn’t move, staying where he was. He knew he wasn’t welcome with them.

 He heard the door open and Patton’s footsteps growing quiet.

 “So...where are you gonna go?” Thomas asked quietly.

 Virgil blinked as he looked up, almost forgetting that Thomas was still here. He shrugged. “I’ll probably just...stay here. Sleep on the couch or something.” He mumbled.

 “I mean, no one’s using Logan’s bed.” Thomas pointed out. “You’re probably welcome to it.”

 Virgil let out a humorless chuckle. “I’m probably not welcome to it, actually.”

 “...oh, right.” Thomas bit his lip. “Well, I don’t have a second bed, but if you’re really fine with crashing on a sofa you can come to my place if you’d like.”

 Virgil paused. “...Really?” Truth be told, he didn’t really want to be alone right now. But that was hard when everyone seemed to hate him right now. Except maybe Thomas, it seemed like?

 “I don’t know everything that’s gone on between the two of you, but...well, I think you just said some things you didn’t really mean,” Thomas said determinedly. “And I think everyone deserves a second chance.”

 Virgil’s lip twitched upwards. “Thank you, Thomas.” He hoped Thomas would still feel that way tomorrow.

 “No problem.” Thomas smiled at him. “Come on, follow me.” He led the way downstairs into his own apartment. “Here’s the sofa, I’ve got some spare blankets in the closet. One sec, I’ll grab them.”

 Virgil nodded and sat down on the sofa. It wasn’t as soft as the bed he had woken up in that morning, but still better than his nest of old fabric.

 “Here you go.” Thomas handed the blankets over. He paused, looking at Virgil. “Do you...I mean, do you really think you’ll change back in the morning?”

 “I don’t know...I have a feeling, though, that this isn’t over quite yet.” Virgil said, taking the blankets from Thomas and starting to lay them over himself. At the very least, it couldn’t be as simple as just going back to bed.

 “Yeah, probably.” Thomas agreed. “Doesn’t hurt to try I guess though. And maybe we can figure out something in the morning when you’re not at each other’s throats.”

 “...Yeah.” He wasn’t going to tell Thomas that they still were going to have a lot of issues to deal with tomorrow. And he was sure they were all still going to be angry.

 “Anyways, I’m gonna head to bed too.” Thomas walked over to the light switch. “Need anything?”

 “No, I’m good.” Virgil paused for a moment. “Thanks again, Thomas.”

 “You’re welcome.” Thomas gave him a soft smile. He turned off the lights, heading down the hall to his own bed.

 Virgil settled down on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. How did this all go so wrong? Why was he like this? None of this would have even happened if he had never been caught in the first place…

 But it was too late now. He had gone too far and now even his best friend probably hated him. A few tears escaped him. 

 It was a long time before he finally fell asleep.

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 62

After what felt like too long a flight, you found yourself in a massive state of disorientation. Even the drive to the house felt strange. But as soon as you got up the walk and through the door, that sense of home filled you. Something that was sorely missing these last few weeks. With Dvahli in your arms, you headed to the couch, but stopped as Tony made a sharp turn to the stairs. That could only mean one thing, and you stopped him with a look before he descended.

“Are you coming to bed later?” Even having to ask this question, you knew what the answer was.

“Yeah. Don’t worry. I just got something started here and I don’t wanna lose the threads.” When you continued staring at him, he made it a point to walk over from the stairs and come to you where you’d sat on the couch. Moving behind, he leaned in as you leaned back, and he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Seriously. Stop looking at me like that you’re making me feel bad. And I haven’t even done anything yet.”

When he walked away again, just as he was starting to go down the stairs you called, “Yet!” Which had him laughing down the entire stairwell until the sound disappeared. With a sighed huff, you fell further back against the couch, letting Li out of your arms to explore her new home. Tony was disappearing to the basement. To the lab.

Already. The second he got home. That wasn’t stellar.

But, as you tucked your feet up on the couch and got a little more comfortable, Li zipping back and forth drew most of your attention. Tony would be in the lab, preoccupying his mind. With important things no doubt. So you had to do the same, and try to meet each other somewhere in a healthy middle. If you could. For now…

“Hey, LUNA, can you please run a locate on the top vets in the area and make an appointment for tomorrow morning?”

Your confusion struck when it was JARVIS that answered you. “I can do that for you, ma’am.”

You let a small silence sit, not sure what was going on. “I’m sure that you could, but I wasn’t talking to you. No offense.”

“None taken. Shall I start that locate for you?”

In the room to yourself you narrowed your eyes. In moments like this you often wondered if JARVIS could read expressions like that. He must be able to. “Where is LUNA, JARVIS? What’s going on?”

“LUNA is undergoing some maintenance and upgrades.”

Fidgeting, you rearranged yourself, pulling your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them. “Why wasn’t I told about that?” Something was going on here.

“I had expected it to be a much shorter time with no disruptions. But as you need assistance now, I will be glad to take over.”

That may as well have been true. Tony … and now JARVIS, you guessed, ran all the updates and things on LUNA for you. It wasn’t like you knew how to do any of that. Or fix her, if she got broken. But still . That absolutely seemed like a thing that should have been told to you. What if you were in danger? What then? The lightbulb went off. “Did Tony ask you to watch me?”

“No.” JARVIS’ answer was quick. But in your own pause, “As an aside, I find your choice of words interesting.”

This was making your head hurt. You didn’t want to do all this puzzle-piecing together. “What did you think I would say? ... spy ?” No answer came. So that was that. “Are you lying?”

“I am not lying to you, Ms. INY. I was not asked by Mr. Stark to watch over you.” Back to the formal names. Maybe what had happened in the Tower office had been a fluke. Maybe you hadn’t been coherent enough to even hear that, maybe you’d dreamed it.

“ But that’s what you’re doing, right?” JARVIS could and would lie if he had to, but you thought he was telling the truth here. You had no reason right now to believe that he was, but you did. Maybe wishful thinking.

It was like he was thinking, with how long he went without answering. You decided to wait him out. And finally, “I merely wish to assist you. I am sorry if this troubles you. Shall I bring LUNA back online?”

JARVIS was an AI. It was impossible to hurt his feelings, right? He didn’t even have feelings. Yet that’s what you felt like had just happened. You knew you still didn’t have the whole picture, but his wish to assist you… in plainer terms, it sounded like he wanted to help you. There was still something else going on, but you’d never get to the bottom of it if you didn’t entertain this a little. And so… “No, it’s okay. Finish working on her. Aren’t you helping Tony, though?”

“I assure you, I am quite capable of doing more than one thing at a time.” The fact that his tone seemed different, ringing in that usual dry sarcastic wit, than it had just a few moments ago… was it just your imagination?

Li jumped up on the couch- well, tried to, but got her claws stuck in a cushion before wiggling free and falling back to the floor. You leaned over to scoop her up, attention fully diverted. “Alright then, JARVIS, thank you. A vet appointment for tomorrow- and let’s start a shopping list. We’ll need lots of food and some new bowls, and a collar… maybe some cat trees… kitty litter...”

                                      ------------------------------------------

Two Weeks Prior

“I’ll only be an hour. I don’t expect the interview to take long.” She said, leaning down to press a sweet kiss to his temple.

He turned, catching her halfway in a fuller kiss instead, grinning at her soft noise of surprise that lowered into appreciation. “Give ‘em hell.”

As she walked away, with a wave over her shoulder, “I always do.”

Tony watched her go, listened for the elevator taking her down until he couldn’t hear the machinery grinding anymore. “JARVIS, Bruce still occupied in the lab?”

“He seems to have made quite a breakthrough, sir.” This was incredibly sarcastic.

Even still, Tony couldn’t help a smile. “Cut the guy some slack. He’s not used to all the new toys.” Waving a hand over the secondary keyboard, his smile died as he grew serious. “Now that we’re alone, pull me the footage from the attack.”

“Where would you like me to start, sir? There are many files.”

“Here. The tower. I wanna see how Loki broke my security. Keep rolling from there.” He crossed his arms as the video window started. No surprise that Loki had turned his security staff into chumps with that stick of his. It was a shame they’d let it go with that STRIKE team… it needed much more examining. A thought for a later date. Scrolling through watching Selvig set up his machinery, he stopped when he caught sight of him dragging her around like a ragdoll. Despite the fact that he had full run of the Tower at that point, despite the fact that he could have attempted to shatter the glass to get in to the penthouse, he used her like a tool, pressing her hand against the print scanner on the outside door to allow himself access.

For a moment he found himself agreeing with Pierce. They should have kept Loki here. If only to really see that he got what he deserved.

It was painful to sit through watching him continue to throw her around. Backhand her. Grab her. Tony felt his blood boiling. But he kept his eyes on the screen, feeling his resolve grow dark. Maybe he needed to link up with Jane Foster. Get her to actually finish her work on those wormholes-

A chill crept over him and he reached out to grab the edge of his desk as he felt like he’d been struck in the chest. Okay. Scratch that. No fooling around with that stuff. It was good she was done.

I’m fine. I’m fine.

“Sir, your heart rate is up-”

“Can it, JARVIS. Now’s no time to start playing doctor.”

“My apologies.”

I’m okay. I’m okay.

Relief came when he saw himself land outside. Clean up was imminent. There was no point in watching past this. But… he reached forward to stay inside the Tower footage, fast forwarding. Fast forwarding… fast forwarding- and then stopping when he saw the two of them talking- hashing things out with the President. Him leaving. Her speaking not only with Ellis, but with Fury too, now that was a surprise.

He could have listened to the audio, but he kept it on mute. Deciding whatever she’d been doing had probably been necessary. And if she didn’t tell him about it, she would when it was important. He trusted that.

But immediately after he had to hold himself steady as she clumsily reached for something and broke that ugly desk ornament Pepper had gifted them. No accounting for taste. He’d noticed it was gone and hadn’t asked because he’d hated it so much.

The sight of her dissolving into tears threatened to destroy him. “JARVIS ditch this footage.” His voice quiet. Drawn. No one needed to see this. While he was absolutely sure no one aside himself ever would, still better to rid the world of it. No one had the right to see her private grief.

“Deleting now.”

“Good.” That was really all he needed to see. So with that out of the way-

“Sir?”

“What’s the matter?” He started rediverting his attention and now restless energy to another build of an Iron Man suit on the desktop tablet. And with his other hand he started retooling the downstairs of the Malibu Mansion for the Legion’s new home. They’d be safe with this. Safe.

“With your permission, I’d like to watch over Ms. INY.”

Now that was interesting. Sufficiently distracted, his hands stopped moving and he looked up. “What are you talking about, JARVIS?”

“In the footage you just watched, I am sure you witnessed her struggling. In that moment, I tried to talk her through, but I fear she needs more help. I may not be qualified to give it, but with your permission, I’d like to keep a closer eye on her.”

...that was all extremely interesting indeed. He couldn’t help a tilt of his head, a pop of his brow, a little squinch of his eyes. “What’s going on with you? You going Skynet on me?” It sounded an awful lot like… JARVIS had developed… not feelings but… an innate desire to protect her? Could the program do that…?

“You know my feelings about those movies, sir.”

Tony couldn’t help a quirk of his lips and scoff, putting his elbow down on the desk, and settling his chin in his upturned palm. “Yeah. Which begs the question- what’s going on with you?”

“She is part of the Stark family now, is she not?” Tony had absolutely no idea what to say to this. Speechless was not often a color he wore, but for a moment he just couldn’t fathom where this was going. Or why it had ended up here in the first place. This needed a lot of examining… “I desire to assist her in the same manner I do you.”

He had to think really hard about JARVIS’ base programming. That was a long time ago. Too long. What protocols had he set? They’d been rewritten so many times, but if they were cached somewhere… if he was drawing from an old set of lines or… “She’s got LUNA.”

“I fear LUNA is not equipped in the way that I am.” This was quick. Almost snappy, if JARVIS were capable of such a thing. Which he often was. But ego? Jealousy? That was entirely new.

“LUNA is capable of almost exactly what you are.” He wouldn’t have given her a shoddy product. Never. What was JARVIS getting at here?

“It is the almost that concerns me.”

“So we’ll upgrade her.” Sitting back fully, he braced the desk to help himself stand and started pacing. His brain was going. He was thinking about too many things. But one thing was clear. “You’re not gonna let this go, are you?”

“I will continue to ask until you give me an answer, sir.”

So, he could have said no. But, for science’s sake alone, and because this was all incredibly interesting, he couldn’t. Killing something like this in the making was against everything he knew. He had to observe this. Whatever was going on with JARVIS, he needed to look at it from every angle.

In fact… he remembered, now, a time long ago where it seemed like a moment like this had triggered a response like this from JARVIS previously. What was it about her breaking down that effected JARVIS’ coding like this? If that’s what was even going on. It was too early to tell. “Do what you want. But she’s gonna notice. She’ll think you’re spying on her. She’s smarter than that. And I don’t want her thinking I’m the one behind it. You got me?” That was the last thing he needed. To make her feel like he had eyes on her. To start wearing down her trust. No. Not happening. Not even for this.

“I understand, sir. I will not leave her with that impression. Thank you.”

He found himself mumbling as he went to the elevator. After pressing the button to call it, he crossed his arms again. “...JARVIS, you got something you wanna talk to me about, buddy?” Trying one last time to ask him what was going on. He’d had to go digging no matter what, but if JARVIS would surrender some information, that would make it at least a touch easier.

“It’s been a trying time for all of us, sir.”

The elevator doors opened and Tony was left with his thoughts. Too many of them. “Yeah. It has.” Stepping in, he tried to resolve leaving all these feelings on this floor. But as the doors closed and he pushed the button for the labs, “Hey, did you ever finish running those scans and calculations I asked about a few months ago? PE tapping yield any tangible results?”

“I have, sir.”

“Good news?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Shit . He knew it. Shit. Shit. Fuck.

Opening up a tablet panel on the door, he started frantically pulling files. “You bottomed out the-” “I did.” “And the expansion-” “As predicted thusfar.”

Fuck.

“ Was the upgrade enough?” He just had to hope. He had to hope he had outsmarted himself, and them, because he knew. He knew without knowing. All the signs had been there.

“As of right now, I’m not showing signs of any heightened SHIELD activity in that area. Or otherwise. They may be too preoccupied given recent events. The upgrade is working as designed.”

The elevator doors opened. He caught the sight of her. Beautiful and glowing. She hadn’t even left yet, sidetracked apparently by a short visit with Bruce. The two of them were standing there laughing about something.

This had to stop now. No one else could know about this. When she noticed him she gave him a sheepish wave, one he meekly returned. “Keep an eye on it for me. The second that changes, I wanna hear about it.”

“Yes, sir.”

Bruce waved to him next and Tony waved back, forcing a smile.

I’m okay. She’s okay. We’re gonna be okay...

[heart-eyes-kippen]

Hello here’s a Becca x Kelly fic bc we need more content

(Sorry to my Andi Mack followers! This’ll probably be the only ‘the society’ fic I post on this account so feel free to skip this one.)

*AO3 link in the reblog*

*keep reading for the fic*

~

“I’m sorry,” said Kelly, hovering meekly by the foot of Becca’s hospital bed. “I thought someone told you.” 

 Becca let out a bitter sounding laugh. “Nope. No one. Gordie dropped by, but he lied to us apparently...”

 Kelly smiled slightly, walking around and settling down on the edge of the bed. “He probably just didn’t want to stress either of you out with...you know...the whole childbirth thing.” 

 Becca nodded, but it seemed as though her mind was elsewhere at that moment. She kept looking between Kelly and the empty space beside her, biting her lip.

 When she spoke, her voice was unusually soft.

 “I’m scared,” she admitted, and Kelly’s world suddenly seemed to shatter. The realisation of what could happen to New Ham under their new lead hadn’t been an easy one for her, but somehow, looking sadly over at Becca, it hit her all over again like a pile of bricks.

 “I know...me too.” 

 Becca, who had spent the past few days with her baby almost constantly, was now being told that Eden would have to live while Campbell was thriving with his new authority over The Gaurd. Becca, who had told Kelly a few weeks ago about knowing exactly what Campbell was capable of - always seeing it on his face when he spoke to her best friend, now had to watch as he controlled New Ham from behind closed doors. Becca, who despite all of her fears somehow managed to remain so strong, was now looking back at Kelly with tears welling in her eyes. 

 “So, Allie and Will...they-“

 “No,” Kelly interrupted, not unkindly, “they’re making up stories about them. I know it. They haven’t even held a trial yet and people are already throwing things at her and Will on the street. I’ve tried to get through to Harry, but it's like...Gordie and I are the only ones who seem to realise something’s up. And...it’s hard to do things alone.” 

 Becca nodded, running a shaky hand through her hair. “You’re not alone,” she said after a moment, voice firm despite her tears. 

 Kelly looked hesitantly up at the girl then. Her hair was slightly unruly, her hands were fidgeting restlessly with the bed sheets and her brown eyes were fixated on the space between them.

 She was beautiful. And maybe it was because of all the recent stress, or her stubborn denial of any sort of attraction towards girls, but Kelly hadn’t fully appreciated it before now. 

 Unfortunately - now happened to be the wrong time. 

 She directed her gaze from Becca to the dull looking hospital environment around her, darkening by the moment as the sun set outside. There were soft snores coming from the bed beside them - Sam had insisted on remaining close to Becca - but apart from that everything seemed eerily quiet in their area.

 She heard a heavy sigh from beside her. “What are we going to do, Kelly?” 

 And looking over at Becca then, Kelly wanted nothing more than to have some sort of definite plan in taking Campbell down. She wanted to tell the girl that everything would okay, that she knew exactly what she was doing. 

 But she didn’t. No one in this town did. They were all a bunch of teenagers that had been forced to grow up within the span of months, and Kelly was no exception. She never would’ve counted on having to know how to insert an IV with no medical training, or having to help deliver a baby. She wished she didn’t have to wing everything, but truthfully, that’s all she’d been doing from the moment everyone in their town vanished.

 These thoughts must’ve shown on her face because Becca’s expression fell slightly. 

 “I don’t know either,” she tried to assure, but her voice seemed strained. “I wish I did.”

 Their eyes met for a moment, and Kelly had to look away before her thoughts could wander too far. Becca looked down at her hands for a moment, seeming hesitant all of a sudden. 

 “You can come sit here,” she murmured, gesturing to the space beside her. 

 So Kelly did. 

 And somehow, feeling the warmth of Becca’s arm pressed up against her own provided her with a sense of comfort she hadn’t even realised she needed so much until then. 

 Becca grabbed the blanket that was pooled at the end of the bed and threw it over them both, leaning her head gently on Kelly’s shoulder. 

 Kelly forgot how to breathe for a moment.

 “We’ll figure it out,” Becca said quietly. “When I get out of here. Which is soon, right?” 

 Kelly laughed a little, looking fondly down at the other girl. “Yes. It’s soon. Tomorrow, even.”

 “Thank god. Taking down a psychopath is so much more entertaining than being stuck in here.” 

 Kelly shook her head at that, unable to keep from smiling. “Dark,” she remarked.

 “Everything about this place is,” came Becca’s response. “Except for Sam, maybe. And you.” 

 Kelly pointedly ignored the way her heart skipped a beat at that.

 “And Eden?” she asked, voice higher than she would’ve liked. 

 “That’s a given,” said Becca with a laugh, sending a glance over to where Eden had fallen asleep in the bassinet beside Sam’s bed.

 Her gaze found Kelly’s again after that, and a soft smile came to her lips. “Thanks, by the way. For everything. I wouldn’t have gotten through any of this without you, and...I know I’ve probably been a bit of a bitch lately.” 

 “It’s fine,” Kelly assured. “You’ve been under a lot of stress.”

 Becca smiled slightly at that. Silence fell for a moment. Kelly took a deep breath. 

 “You know...if Sam can’t help you with Eden for whatever reason, or if sometimes he can’t be with you...I don’t mind helping out.” 

 Becca contemplated the words for a few moments, before breaking out into a smile. 

 “Really? Wouldn’t it be annoying with everything else going on?” 

 “Nothing is too much of a hassle to help you,” Kelly responded, and she really hadn’t meant for those words to sound like a confession but god did they. She spent a few seconds after that having an internal panic, trying not to let it show on her face.

 Becca seemed to notice too, because suddenly she was looking up at Kelly with wide eyes. “...Oh. Well thanks, that’s nice of you. I'll probably need all the help I can get.”

 Silence again. Kelly’s stomach was filled to the brim with obnoxious little butterflies.

 “So...you and Will?” 

 The question seemed slightly out of place given their circumstances, but somehow Kelly couldn’t bring herself to care. It felt like a whole different world inside that darkened hospital room, one far removed from the rest of New Ham.

 “Just friends,” Kelly confirmed. “For a moment I thought there was something there, same with Harry, but for some reason...” she trailed off after that, biting lightly at her bottom lip. 

 She knew it would sound crazy to anyone else, but being this close to Becca somehow seemed to make her inhibitions disappear. Most of them, anyway. 

 “For some reason...?” 

 Kelly let out a breath. “For some reason...I like the idea of guys liking me, but then when actual stuff starts happening I just feel kind of...weirded out. You know? That’s normal, right?” 

 Becca went quiet.

 Kelly continued, more desperate now, “and I guess I just feel like I have to...choose the guys I like...it doesn’t really come naturally. Do you get that too? Or am I just...” 

 Broken. 

 For Kelly’s whole life it had felt like she was incapable of liking anyone. She would always panic and feel as though she never quite felt the same way for her boyfriends as they felt for her, and it’s a thought that had been at the back of her mind constantly over the past few months. 

 “Kelly...I promise you’re not anything like that. Have you maybe considered that you don’t like boys? In that way, at least.”

 Kelly hesitated for a moment, her gaze fixed firmly on her lap. “I have.” 

 Becca looked over at her, clearly expecting something further, but Kelly fell silent again.

 “Okay...well, do you think it could be a possibility?” 

 Kelly bit her lip before giving a fearful little nod.

 Becca shifted slightly, wrapping an arm around the girl’s shoulders. “That’s perfectly fine. You know that, right?” 

 “Yeah...I think so.” 

 Becca nodded, rubbing her thumb in small motions against the fabric of Kelly’s sweater as she thought about what to say. 

 “I um...I like both. If that helps at all. I used to only accept my feelings when they were for guys, but with everything that’s happened, it sort of feels pointless now. I mean - we get to decide what’s normal now, right? Why carry over something as useless as homophobia?” 

 Kelly laughed a little. “That’s true,” she agreed. “If we’re all going to live together then we might as well accept each other.” 

 “Exactly!” 

 There were both smiling now, looking anywhere but one another. Becca retracted her arm, and for a moment Kelly felt disappointed by the loss, but instead, she ended up taking Kelly’s hand and intertwining their fingers. 

 It was just an action - something friends did even, but it felt like more. It felt like a promise. 

 There were unspoken words and feelings there that frankly neither of them were ready to address, but at that moment, this was enough for Kelly. 

 Maybe if they were back home she would be scrolling through Becca’s Instagram with a blinding smile on her face, or working up the courage to talk to her between classes, or, if she somehow managed to work through her feelings, maybe she would even be kissing her. 

 Or maybe things wouldn’t have changed at all, and she would’ve continued dating boys and ignoring the part of her brain that seemed to take notice of Becca whenever it could.

 All Kelly knew was that she was currently sat in some sort of parallel universe, holding hands with a girl she hadn’t been able to keep off her mind for years, and for a fleeting moment things didn’t seem so bad. 

[comicteaparty]

April 6th-April 12th, 2020 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from April 6th, 2020 to April 12th, 2020.  The chat focused on  Adventurers’ Guild by Phillip MacArthur.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Adventurers’ Guild by Phillip MacArthur~! (https://adventurersguildcomic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace until April 12th, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Discussions are freeform, but we do offer discussion prompts in the pins for those who’d like to have them. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic! Whether you finish the comic or can only read a few pages, everyone is welcome to join and chat with us!

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 1

1. What did you like about the beginning of the comic?

2. What has been your favorite moment in the comic (so far)?

3. Who is your favorite character?

4. Which characters do like seeing interact the most?

5. What is something you like about the art? If you have a favorite illustration, please share it!

6. What is a theme you like that the comic explores?

7. What do you like about the comic’s story or overall related content?

8. Overall, what do you think the comic’s strengths are?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

RebelVampire

What I liked about the beginning of the comic was just the overall pacing. The comic really takes it's time to introduce the world to you and the first set of characters, and it kind of hits that right beat for me where there's a lot of information where I don't feel overwhelmed since the pacing slows to the right tempo to make it work. My favorite moment in the comic so far is probably the battle against Razoku. Without getting too specific, I love just how epic that fight was in general, and also that a character I didn't expect was down for the count for that fight, leaving everyone else to compensate. That is not something you see in stories everyday, plus I liked getting to see Jack do some work since Jack tagged along for the quest. My favorite character at the moment is probably Li, because I have a thing for enigmatic mysterious dudes who I know so little about. Plus, he's a sorceror and I always 1000% support magic classes. As for characters interacting, probably Klaus and Li. I love the hints that they really have some history here, and I like just kind of how they balance each other out. Like sometimes Li is dumb and Klaus is the smart one and then sometimes Klaus is dumb and Li is smart. And it goes on like this for a bunch of different traits, so I like that theyre both kind of on an even footing and that they have this bond and understanding the other characters don't have with them yet. So it's like this warm thing of comfort.

RebelVampire

What I like about the art is just kind of how well it emulates RPG pixel games. Especially how dialogue and other elements are handled to replicate the UI. It's a nice touch that really just kind of sells that whole game feel aesthetic. I liked that the comic explored the moral choice between helping someone vs. fulfilling your obligation. And the tangentially related "Is it okay to lie if it's a stupid noble who wants a thing for aesthetics and frivolous reasons?" Some pretty common themes, yet still important themes always worthy of discussion. I also liked how the noble knew the lie and still just accepted it anyway, since that was 100% now the outcome I was expecting. So it really takes the exploration of that theme a bit differently. What I like about the story is the same thing I like about the art: it really nails the game feel. Like I really do feel I've been watching just an epically long cutscene to some game, but as someone who does like games and RPGs, that really appeals to me. Honestly, I'd be excited to play this as an actual game so I could use Li and cast all the magic. As for the comic's strengths, game feel which I've already discussed. But in general, like the beginning, pacing. I've seen a few comics like this one, but for most the pacing usually isn't that great since pixel art really only allows for so much action to be depicted. So pacing for these things needs to be epically different than it does for most comics. I think this one really nails it, especially with combat. The comic really shows how the combat will be epic, but it doesn't try to pad it out either and just kind of embraces the limitations that come with this specific style.

warriorneedsfood

I am having a hard time engaging in the comic. The layout wasn’t very intuitive for me and it’s very small on my tablet. When I play old school rpgs I look past the interface to get to the story, but this comic embraces the format. It makes me wish the author made a game instead of the comic. However, I didn’t get very far on the first pass. I will be hunkering down with the comic later on this week to read it to get the whole impression of the story.

RebelVampire

Once I adjusted to the layout, I actually found it way easier for mobile personally.

Since I didn't really have to zoom or squint, and the panels were very responsive to touch controls

But it is definitely far from the standard so I can see it as a point of alienation

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Gotta say, never played this kind of game so this comic isn't really for me, but I did think the format was really unique and cool

I don't have any problems reading it on my phone

Feather J. Fern

I think this premise for the layout is really interesting. I actually think it would have done really well as actually an Instagram comic due to it's scroll, square shape.

I do also have to agree if this was an actual game done on RPG Maker or something, it would fit it a lot more. But I do love the feel it is giving me.

I do have to note that the font is making it hard for me to read, since that font isn't really good for me. My own personal problem though.

I can see why they went with that choice for the old RPG feeling

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 2

9. Why do you think Myra came to Knolton, and why is she hesitant to talk to even fellow Nemians about her backstory? Additionally, why is Jack equally mysterious about his origins? How do you think the truth will change the characters’ relationships with each other?

10. Do you think Klaus will allow Kidd to join the party? If so, how will that change the current group dynamic? Additionally, how will Cedric’s secrecy effect how much trust the other’s put in him?

11. How do you think Klaus and Li met, and for what reason do you think Li joined Klaus’ clan? Additionally, what do you think Li’s backstory might be in general? Do you believe there are secrets that might change how the group sees him, or is it something more mundane?

12. Do you think the group will see Edmund or anyone else they’ve faced against again? If so, what do you think will happen? In general, how will the group’s growing fame affect them and the quests they take on?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

RebelVampire

I feel like Myra probably got exiled or something. If only cause Myra does not seem like she'd have come to Knolton by choice, and you don't conceal your backstory unless you've got embarrassing shit to hide. I assume Jack might be in the same sort of situation. I actually think if Myra and Jack talked about it, though, it'd bring them closer together, as well as the whole group. The truth sets you free and all that. As for Kidd, yes, I think Klaus will let Kidd join. Klaus seems nice like that. As for group dynamic, I think it will simultaneously make Cedric a better and worse member of the group. I kind of feel if push came to shove, Cedric would ditch the others to save Kidd, making him unreliable. But at the same time, if Kidd goes with, Cedric would probably have increased loyalty. As for Cedric's secrecy, I think it'll be a long time before anyone fully trusts him again. I get the impression that Klaus must of met Li when Li was down on his luck, and since Klaus was such a bro and a friend, of course he joined. As for Li's backstory, I actually don't have any theories, although I kind of feel Li is less secret cause of something to hide but more maybe no one asks. Though I'm sure there is at least one secret in there that will make the audience gasp. I do think the group will at least see Edmund again because Edmund seemed an important and noteworthy character who'd come back. I could also see silver lotus noble coming back for silver lotus part 2 only now its a gold lotus. Either way, in regards to Edmund, of course theyre going to fight, though I feel like someone will try to convince Edmund to join their part instead, which Edmund might be convinced somehow. In general, though, their group is definitely gonna attract big baddies and great evil, cause fame comes at a cost.

GuildmasterPhill

Hello, author of Adventurers' Guild here! Just want to chime in and say it's been a real pleasure to read all the analysis of my comic here. It's good to see some of you really getting into it, and I think this whole tea party thing is a wonderful idea. Adventurers' Guild's week is almost up, as I understand it, but I'll be around here for the last bit of it if anyone has any questions for me! (I'm REALLY cagey about storyline spoilers, though, so don't expect any of those!) Thanks again!

Comic Tea Party

DISCUSSION PROMPTS – PART 3

13. What are you most looking forward to seeing in regards to the comic?

14. Any final words of encouragement for the comic?

Don’t feel inspired by the prompts? Feel free to discuss anything else that interested you!

mathtans

Hi! Our modem died, so my internet capabilities are real limited at the moment. But I had a quick look at the start of the week and just wanted to say I think the format is really neat, since I see some back and forth debate about it. All the best with the comic!

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Jumping in late -- the tip about mobile reading helped, it also works on desktop if you put it in a narrow-enough window!

I like the intro, the comedy of "we've only stopped one thief, and technically the quest says it's plural", the awkwardness of Klaus trying to say "I have pointy ears, so that gives me some insight into the discrimination you face as a full-on catgirl" and Myra not having it. Reminds me of the tension in X-Men between the "normal-looking" mutants vs. the ones who are, say, blue and scaly.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Just got to the bit with the cat brothers, and Klaus's reaction is...puzzling. He did all that outreach and effort getting Myra and Cedric to join the party, even getting rejected by Cedric and then following him around until he was talked into joining...but now there's two people enthusiastically volunteering to join, and Klaus is shooting them down?

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

I mean, they were obviously shady, but it's not clear why he was so convinced the others weren't. Maybe he just has Hero Plot Senses.

Seconding that I like the outcome of that arc, though! You think the party's just coming up with excuses for why they can slack off and do a second-rate job and not feel bad when they get away with it...and then, surprise, they don't get away with it, but it turns out their excuses were right and they don't have to feel bad about it.

Won't be surprised if it comes back to bite them down the line, though. Say, that noble uses it to make a fake healing potion, then lets a rival die while appearing to make all efforts to treat them.

And on to the next traveling montage! I like the lighting/colors in the campfire effect, but I feel like it should be built with squares and triangles rather than being a perfect ellipse, so it fits with the rest of the tile-based scenery. (Which is very cool and well-done in general.)

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Unrelated to anything, I do love when Myra's sprite does cat-poses.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

All caught up (full disclosure, I skimmed through some of the long battle sequences). One burning question...is there ever going to be more than one female character in this world? Myra isn't just the only woman in the party -- all their other allies are guys, all the enemies are dudes, everyone who hires them for a quest is a man, every random encounter on the street is a bro, every NPC with a speaking line is a fella...

Two of the guys so far have talked about their mothers, but one mom was sick/asleep for her entire on-screen appearance, and the other hasn't been seen at all. (And she was presumed killed...is there some big underground conspiracy to poison and/or murder all the women in this world? That would also be a reasonable Backstory Thing for Myra to run away from...)

RebelVampire

I am most looking forward to learning more about Li's backstory here and seeing all of the components that make Li awesome. My final words are is that I really love how unique this comic is with its presentation. It really stands out against contemporary styles and just overall, was an entertaining read. The comic feels like a true passion project and that really shines through, and while it may not be everyone's cup of tea, it didn't have any of the problems I usually find in most modern comics. So I was glad for that

GuildmasterPhill

To answer your question, @Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn) , yes there will be more woman characters--do not worry. ^^

@RebelVampire Thank you so much for all the comments, you seem very insightful! I certainly hope you will continued reading as I go onward.

Comic Tea Party

BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Adventurers’ Guild this week! Please also give a special thank you to Phillip MacArthur for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Adventurers’ Guild, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://adventurersguildcomic.com/

Phillip’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/GuildmasterPhill

Phillip’s Store: https://shop.spreadshirt.com/adventurersguild/

Phillip’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/GuildmasterPhil

[viktors-hexstrap]

Let Me Take Care Of You

pairing: Bucky Barnes x sick!Reader

word count: 2144

warnings: none

dedicated to and requested by: @alexiamiky2003

summary: [Y/N] is sick and can’t go on a mission with the rest of the Avengers. Left all alone until Bucky decides to ditch said mission and come back to look after her.

You’ve been sick for a while now, a bad cold or some virus you assumed. But since the guys were on a mission there was no one to take care of you other than yourself, and you didn’t mind that because you didn’t desperately need someone to take care of you, the problem was it was getting quite lonely. Especially in the huge Avengers headquarters. Due to your sickness, you weren’t able to go on a mission with the rest so they left you behind.

The last thing you remembered is that you were reading on the couch in the common room wrapped up in a thick soft blanket with a fluffy pillow hoisting your head up, then you were waking up on your bed. At first you were confused because it meant you fell asleep. But how did you get in your room? Then it hit you that it meant the others should be back. Excitedly you jumped up and ran to greet them only to be met with Bucky. Standing in a pair of sweatpants and a loose shirt, reading the same book you were reading while laying on the couch. Once he saw you were awake, he got up to greet you with a smile. “Hey Bucky!” You shouted happily and threw yourself around him, enveloping him in a tight hug. Bucky returned the affection and you stayed there for a bit, relishing in the warmth of his body. For someone called the ‘winter soldier’ he was surprisingly hot, in more than one way too. “Hey [Y/N], how do you feel?” he asked you affectionately with slight worry in his tone. You pulled away from him, just enough to be face to face but not letting go of each other. “Much better now that I’m hugging you.” was your answer, trying to ignore your sickness so that he wouldn’t worry. Bucky smiled and looked down almost as if he was shy, which made him look all the more adorable. “I meant the flu, are you still sick?” He looked up, meeting your gaze once again. With a little sigh of defeat you admitted “We don’t know if it’s a flu,” you corrected “But yeah I am still sick, I don’t feel much better either. Guess I’m just not good at taking care of myself.” “Nonsense, you are more than capable of doing that, maybe you just don’t know the right medicine to take.” “Do you?” Bucky smiled proudly “Yeah, come on, I’ll take care of you.” he gestured to your room. “I assumed you were the one who carried me there?” Bucky nodded “Yes, that was about three hours ago” “Oh that reminds me,” you said and finally let go of Bucky, missing the warmth of his body “Where’s everyone else?” although happy to see him you were wondering where the rest where. “The mission turned out to be more simple than we thought, so I volunteered to come back and make sure you’re okay.” After hearing him say that it made you feel happy and loved, knowing that he cared about you. A fond smile reached your lips “I’m happy you did, I was getting lonely all alone here, and Tony still won’t let us get a pet.” You pouted and Bucky chuckled at how childish you looked. “Okay now, you should get back to bed and rest, even if you feel okay right now let’s not push it.” “Okay mooom” You joked as you headed back to your room “I’ll let you know I’m a great mother!” you heard him shout after you, making you laugh. Once you were settled back in your blanket nest you decided to check your phone. There were no important notifications so you just pulled up Instagram and sat back, relaxing while trying to ignore your growing headache. After about half an hour of scrolling, you heard your bedroom door open and saw Bucky carrying a tray. “You did not!” you gasped out in disbelief, a huge smile on your face. “Oh yes I did,” he said proudly, walking over to your bed. You grabbed the tray and placed it on your crossed legs. “I don’t know much about modern medicine but I know what my mother used to do when I was sick.” he said as you looked at what he’d made for you, grilled chicken with mashed potatoes and vegetables. “Bucky this looks great, thank you so much, I’ve just been eating pizza for the past few days.” “[Y/N] I am truly disappointed.” “Sorry, I was just too tired to cook, I get dizzy and weak if I stand for too long.” Bucky nodded understandingly “I see, well It’s good that I’m here then, I’m also making some soup for later if you want, and after you eat take the pills I left on the tray too.” You nodded and dug in, the food tasted amazing but what made it better was that Bucky made it, just for you. It reminded you of the food your mother used to cook for you as a kid, bringing back fond memories. “I’ll be right back,” Bucky said and left your room leaving you to continue your meal. When you heard him approaching once again, he was carrying two mugs. After pushing the door closed with his leg he sat down next to you on the bed and handed you one. You thanked him and drank the warm tea, which did wonders for your sore throat. “I also put in some lemon juice for some extra vitamins, and it just tastes nicer in my opinion.” “Yes I agree, I like the subtle sour taste,” you said with a little smile continued by a sigh. You looked up at Bucky who was already looking down at you “But you didn’t have to do all of this for me, I mean I appreciate it so much but I feel like I don’t deserve it” you admitted. “What are you talking about [Y/N]? I care about you and I want to take care of you. Of course you deserve this, and so much more. You are such a kind person. And you’ve been so nice to me even though I am truly the one who doesn’t deserve it, I have done so many bad things-” “No,” you interrupted him instantly, shifting on the bed so you were fully facing him “You didn’t do those things, the winter soldier did. You weren’t even conscious of your actions and if anyone is to blame, it’s HYDRA.” He remained silent, looking down into his mug to avoid your gaze. Slowly you reached a hand out and cupped his cheek making him look at you. His expression vulnerable and you had never seen him like that before, you assumed he allowed himself to be more open around you and that felt almost like an honour because he always put up this tough guy front. Not saying he wasn’t though because he was, it was just nice to see a new side of Bucky. “You are too good for me [Y/N], I don’t deserve you.” he said as the two of you locked eyes, a few strands of hair falling gracefully over the sides of his face. He was staring at you, looking almost scared but you didn’t know why. With his free hand that wasn’t holding the long-forgotten cup of tea, he reached up and placed it over yours which was still cupping his cheek gently, both of you falling into a comfortable silence, almost drowning in each other’s eyes. It seemed both of you started to lean in closer to each other almost subconsciously. Your heartbeat was slowly speeding up as the distance between your lips was lessening. But you pulled away from him instantly, facing away with your hand leaving his cheek to cover your mouth as you were interrupted by a cough. 'Great mood killer’ you thought, cursing this cold in every way you knew. “You okay [Y/N]?” you heard Bucky ask, placing his mug on your nightstand. You did the same and breathed in deeply after the cough was over. “Yeah, I’m fine, just the freaking cold. Sorry…” “Don’t be, it’s alright [Y/N].” Part of you was sad that you didn’t kiss him but you guessed it was for the better, not wanting to get him sick too. After all, you needed him healthy so he could keep taking care of you. “You finish eating so you can take those pills okay? I’ll go check on the soup.” he smiled and got up from the bed, heading for your door. You hoped you didn’t scare him away or something, or make him uncomfortable, you also didn’t want him to leave you. “Wait!” you spoke before thinking, he turned around with a questioning look. “U-uh y-” you started stuttering “Your tea! It’s really good Bucky, don’t waste it.” was what you came up with, handing him his mug from your nightstand while facepalming on the inside. You’re not in freaking 5th grade [Y/N] just address the elephant in the room already. You really liked Bucky, and you knew that. You always ignored your feelings but the moment you just shared gave you hope that maybe you could become something more. But maybe he didn’t want a relationship? He has such a dark past maybe he didn’t want to risk getting hurt, or worse, hurting them. Deciding to ignore your thoughts you went back to your food and once you were finished, took the pills Bucky left you just like he said. He was still in the kitchen when you left your room to bring the tray, he heard your footsteps and glanced at you with a smile while still stirring the soup. All this felt so normal and domestic, it was actually nicer than you imagined. The thought of settling down with someone never really attracted you, thinking it would be boring or just not for you…but maybe you were wrong. You had started washing the dishes when Bucky spoke. “I’m sorry about earlier. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” he apologized “You’re talking about you leaning in for a kiss?” you asked with a chuckle. Both of you were thinking the same thing, hoping they didn’t make the other uncomfortable. “Uh y-yeah,” he stuttered sounding slightly surprised, probably not expecting you to be so direct. After glancing at him you saw his cheeks were tinted red making you smile wider. The big bad super soldier was shy, that was so cute. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable Bucky, after all, we were both leaning in.  If only it wasn’t for that stupid cough…” you trailed off as you finished washing the last plate, turning to look at him while leaning on the counter. “If it wasn’t for that stupid cough…?” he repeated also turning to face you, just a few feet away. “I would’ve kissed you.” you finished, locking eyes with him as your heartbeat sped up, worried what his reaction would be. In response Bucky didn’t say anything, instead he quickly closed the distance between the two of you, now only a few inches apart you wrapped your arms around his neck, his going around your waist, both of you pressing against each other. He seemed to give you full control, waiting for you to make the move and you wasted no time in uniting your lips together. He kissed you so gently, one arm going to cup your cheek while yours were tangling in his hair. When you finally broke the kiss, both gasping for air and smiling like idiots, you spoke first “Sorry in advance if I gave you my sickness” Bucky shrugged, the smile not leaving his lips “Doesn’t matter, it was worth it anyway”

***** *****

“Where are they?” Tony asked after the rest of the Avengers arrived back at the manor early the next day. “Found them!” Steve shouted from the common room. The rest made their way towards Steve and were met with [Y/N] and Bucky asleep, cuddling on the couch with the TV paused on a star wars movie. A half-finished bowl of popcorn close by. “Finally,” Natasha said with a laugh “You owe me ten bucks Clint.” she added earning laughs from the rest of the group as well. “You made a bet that the two of them would get together?” Bruce asked throwing her an amused look “Oh come on it was obvious they liked each other!” “Yeah, it was. Even the half blind guy could see it” Tony agreed with another laugh, patting an annoyed looking Thor on the shoulder. “Guys tone it down you’ll wake them up.” Steve lowered his voice gesturing for them to leave, Tony turned the TV off and the Avengers left the sleeping couple alone.

[A/N]: Feel free to give your opinion or just comment, I love getting feedback!

[dipulb3]

Roku Streaming Stick Plus is still our favorite 4K HDR streamer

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/roku-streaming-stick-plus-is-still-our-favorite-4k-hdr-streamer/

Roku Streaming Stick Plus is still our favorite 4K HDR streamer

Streaming device leader Roku has a whopping seven streamers in its 2020 lineup from the $30 Roku Express and all-new $100 Roku Ultra. Yet despite this influx of new blood, the company’s best model is one of its oldest. The Roku Streaming Stick Plus debuted in 2017, but three years later it maintains its spot as our favorite Roku device — and our favorite media streamer overall. It streams 4K and HDR video from Netflix, Amazon, Disney Plus, Vudu, Apple TV and others, comes with worthwhile features like a voice remote with buttons that can control your TV and runs Roku’s best-in-class streaming system. It has all of the stuff you need and none of the fluff.

The Streaming Stick Plus’ closest competitors are the Amazon Fire TV Stick 4K from 2018 and the brand-new Chromecast with Google TV, both of which also cost $50. Both offer Dolby Vision HDR and superior voice support, thanks to Alexa and Google Assistant, respectively. Their menu systems are more modern-looking than Roku, with TV shows and movies on the home pages as opposed to just app tiles, but they’re also more cluttered and potentially confusing.

If you’re knee-deep in the ecosystems of Amazon or Google you might appreciate those devices’ ability to control smart home gear using your TV remote. But Roku has a new trick too: support for Apple’s AirPlay system, a feature Amazon and Google lack. It allows iPhones and other Apple devices to connect to your TV wirelessly, to mirror screens, show photos, control apps and more. AirPlay makes the Streaming Stick Plus a strong play for people knee-deep in Apple’s ecosystem who don’t want to pony up for an Apple TV 4K. 

App support between the three is very similar aside from the newest major apps. Roku lacks an app for HBO Max, Fire TV lacks both HBO Max and Peacock, while Chromecast with Google TV lacks Apple TV Plus. The only streamer with all three is Apple TV.

Streaming service support

Device HBO Max Peacock Apple TV Plus Roku No Yes Yes Fire TV No No Yes Chromecast with Google TV Yes Yes No Apple TV Yes Yes Yes

To take full advantage of 4K apps on the Streaming Stick Plus you’ll need a new 4K HDR TV, but even if you don’t have one, it’s worth considering the Plus over cheaper, non-4K streamers like Roku Express. The price difference between the two is so small it might be worth paying in case you do get a 4K TV soon, and want to be ready. 

In the three years since its release, the Streaming Stick Plus debuted, nothing has matched its simplicity, affordability or performance. It’s Roku’s best streamer for the money and Roku makes our favorite streaming system. That’s why the Streaming Stick Plus remains our favorite streamer overall.

Roku need-to-know-ku

The Streaming Stick Plus designed to hide behind your TV and plug directly into a free HDMI port. If space is tight you can use a male-to-female HDMI cable or “port saver,” and Roku will even send you one for free.

The Advanced Wireless Receiver cable plugs into the stick with an old-school Mini — not Micro — USB connection. The Receiver in turn plugs into the supplied AC adapter, or a USB port on your TV, for power.

If you elect to power the stick from your TV it takes longer to boot up so plugging directly into AC is usually the best route.

That thing in our right hand is the Advanced Wireless Receiver.

Sarah Tew/CNET

You can’t use the Plus without the Receiver cable. We tried plugging an old USB-to-Mini-USB cable in instead and received an error message.

The Plus lacks Dolby Vision HDR, so all HDR is delivered as HDR10. This isn’t a big deal unless a) you have a Dolby Vision-capable TV, and b) it performs significantly better with Dolby Vision compared to HDR10. 

Streaming in 4K requires more bandwidth, and in the case of Netflix, a more expensive plan. Amazon recommends 15Mbps is ample for 4K streaming, while YouTube and Netflix recommend 20.

The Roku Stick Plus can support Dolby Atmos, Dolby’s best in-home audio format. 

The slightly faster Roku Ultra offers most of all the same features as the Streaming Stick Plus, but adds Dolby Vision and several remote-centric functions. Its remote adds two voice shortcut buttons, a headphone jack for private listening, and a remote finder so you don’t lose it among the couch cushions. There’s also an SD card slot to expand the memory for faster app loading, a USB port and a wired Ethernet port. Check out Roku’s full 2020 player lineup here.

Sarah Tew/CNET

4K stick with the Roku you know (ku)

The iPhone has used a basic grid of apps since time immemorial, because it works and people are used to it. So does Roku, and every time we ask the company representatives about an update they essentially tell us it’s working too well to mess with. And for the most part, we agree.

Roku’s home page is fully customizable, allowing you to move app tiles to taste. All apps get equal footing, from Netflix to Toon Goggles, scrolling through them is smooth and fast, they launch quickly and responses within every app we tried were lightning fast. The interface doesn’t surface individual shows and movies on the home page, like Fire TV, but it’s visually simpler and less intrusive; there’s just one big ad to the right of the app list.

Stronger on apps and search, weaker on voice

Roku continues to have more apps than the competition, as well as best-in-class cross-platform search. We love that results are sorted by price, especially since Movies Anywhere allows you to consolidate your Vudu, Amazon, Google Play and Apple libraries.

Roku has a few extras not found elsewhere, including My Feed and headphone private listening via the Roku app (if you want it on the remote, you’ll need to get an Ultra), but the most important is the Roku Channel. It’s a hub for on-demand movies and TV shows and also includes live news feeds, a Kids section and even subscriptions to services like HBO. 

Featured Free is another Roku-only extra. The idea is to surface TV shows from network apps that are available to watch immediately without having to sign in to those apps. Clicking a show title, like New Amsterdam, Family Guy or Grey’s Anatomy, launches the app (NBC, Fox Now or ABC, respectively) and begins playing the episode (with ads). The section also mixes in movies from The Roku Channel and plenty of older shows available to watch for free, like Seinfeld (from Sony’s Crackle), Duck Dynasty (from Tubi TV) or Hell’s Kitchen (from the Roku Channel). 

Sarah Tew/CNET

[sordidpassionsandlockedemotions]

~Tis the season for winter fics~

Alec was balanced on the back of the couch really Magnus had told him could just use magic meanwhile he stubbornly went,”Come on I’m a Shadowhunter I can easily hang this up.” Maybe that obvious bit of recklessness that never went away but honestly wouldn’t even be that bad a fall if he fell though aware of the slight spark of magic in his boyfriend’s hand either to just do it magically or catch him if needed. Securing the light strand to the ceiling before hopping onto the couch then stepping onto the floor with an brief ‘see’ expression. 

“So what’s left?” All lights,etc were done now and looking around the loft looked much different could be the fireplace though. Watching Magnus scroll on his phone through what could only be a list of what to do before collapsing onto the couch not really tired but a bit exhausted because he insisted so much on sparing Magnus’ magic by doing things manually since they were capable without it. 

That’s when he glanced to see the look in his boyfriend’s eyes that was thinking a moment,”A tree and decorating it but otherwise Alexander practically finished.” Okay much that made sense could panic a bit because if by tree he meant a real one terrible idea on so many levels also wondering how such a thing would survive the cats even a fake one. Before the obvious answer ‘magic’ came to mind but still he would argue so much if came to a real tree especially because they posed the risk of spiders. If he saw a web or whatever would be some major disaster. 

“Right so take it have ornaments somewhere?” That’s when a strange idea came to mind how still hadn’t figured entirely out what the holidays meant for the both of them what to keep of habits,new habits,and all that. “Or how do you go about all this because usually we keep most things in the Institute basement then more or less occasionally free it for the season which take it still have to do,also with our house in Idris.” Pausing not that he really wanted to leave New York or Magnus at any point also usually the whole family was together-. Shaking it all off,”I mean when we do think this year mainly just swap gifts whenever.” 

Magnus looked like wanted to comment but he didn’t probably have the hesitations Alec was which put them both in a sort of slight limbo. “A few think should buy some new one’s along with a tree since my last one was victim to a young warlock’s attempts at a portal last year.” Alec gave a smile before standing up figured best do that now rather than later when he’d want nothing to do with more decorating. 

“Cute? Should get going then because I fully intend to not move much once the sun goes down and by that point same applies to extending all this even longer since have spent all week as is.”

"No Magnus we are not spending that much on an artificial tree,and put the fake snow down because if you put it down my shirt I will not find it charming in the slightest.” Stepping backwards arms crossed till his boyfriend wasn’t armed with fake snow again before walking up to him again,”How about this decent sized tree,whatever shiny ornaments you figure work best and then since already in a store can look around some?” After all he was still working out presents for his siblings,and Magnus anyways. 

Some back and forth mostly Magnus debating getting a colored tree while Alec had reached the point of apathetic indifference since had done it all day with lights along with various things. He really wasn’t that picky of course zoned out a bit when his attention was returned by,”Hey Alexander what about black after all maybe the absence of color’s a good choice.” He scowled at Magnus a moment honestly he didn’t wear all black especially not as much anymore but did prefer dark colors for sure. 

Then changed his attitude,”Okay but only if it’s that one.” Pointing to the literal darkest option yet however the whole exchange did lead to Alec grabbing one of the boxes to dump into the cart that was not what he expected to happen when decided to go shopping with Magnus for a tree but apparently now had a dark black Christmas tree which was not matching any of Magnus’ plans at all if he thought the loft over. 

Took at least 2 hours in the ornament section but eventually winding up with a bunch of silver,red,blue ones carefully put in with the tree. Alec brushed fingers against the more specialty,specific ones always found them amusing probably had a few though he was used to runes and such these were mundane ones everything from names to little ones based on pop culture. An idea coming to mind,”You said you have some I could maybe grab a few from the one’s my siblings probably have sorted through-.” Some of both their lives also maybe find some way to get one idea that came to idea made. “I mean just an idea Magnus that way don’t wind up buying loads.” 

“Sure.”

The tree was all decorated especially with the few Alec had his siblings bring by but felt like was missing something minus the purposely bare top which they both agreed no star,or angel leaving it plain. They had dinner talking about this or that mainly a bit of trying sort out what the plans would be when he thought a moment,”It’s pretty impersonal still.” Magnus glanced at him confused and he quickly followed it up,”The tree like sure has some ornaments with meaning to us but like nothing entirely us maybe it’s just me cause unsure how that even makes any sense-.” 

Took a moment before he got a response,”So what’s it missing then Alexander?” Quiet while Magnus let him try sorting it out figuring what he meant by that. Sipping at his drink messing with his nearby phone since had used it to show Magnus some pictures a moment ago. What progress he’d made felt ruined by this stupid emotion he couldn’t sort out till-. 

“Us I mean nothing extreme like not having my face on it anywhere but maybe like I dunno some type of representation of your cat eyes and my being an archer?” Eyes glancing at the golden cat eyes looking at him which were only briefly glamoured that moment when his siblings dropped by,and their trip to the store naturally. But just them meant no glamour unless Magnus wanted to have his just as lovely brown eyes instead. Waiting for a flicker of amusement or something but there was only a smile followed by a ringed hand reaching out running through his hair a moment.

“So your saying my warlock mark and your weapon of choice is missing because you don’t want to have a picture?” A slow nod followed by Magnus getting up then grabbing his hand pulling him into the living room where they wound up sat on the floor for some reason. Magnus crossed his legs closing his eyes a moment as if focusing on a spell then his hands sparked with magic of course Alec got ridiculously focused more on his really attractive boyfriend than the curiosity of what on Earth he was doing. Quiet,unmoving to not distract him then open eyes looked at him then in hand he had something while Magnus had something in his his. “Think this works Alexander?” 

Looking in his hands sure enough there was a metal ornament that had jewels which looked rather like his boyfriend’s eyes maybe just a bit in awe because when glanced back up Magnus’ eyes held a shine in them of pure adoration. “Cool and uh yeah.” Curious what Magnus had made that was in his hands but then quickly stood up hanging it pretty front and center,”Okay Magnus what is it some black arrow or-.” Going dead silent as right next to the one he hung was a spitting imagine of his bow along with an drawn arrow. “Could you stop being so ridiculously amazing?!” It was a small whisper mostly because how did he get such an awesome significant other so out of his league with really cool magic.

Magnus just laughed wrapping arms around his waist,”Could but you look so amazing when you’re in awe so now real question should I turn off all the lights so we can see what this place looks like with the lights all lit up?” Alec was fairly certain lost his breath enough times as was but gave a nod then naturally with one flick of magic the place changed entirely. But he only took a moment before his hands pulled Magnus close into a kiss. 

Probably be a really amazing holiday season for once after all already planned to spend a lot of time together,and he would hope Magnus had some fun even with his family’s crazy antics idea of celebrating which was usually just pick a time to spend no work or anything. 

[desxxd-blog]

 What an enormous pain in the rear that boomtube travel- for the time being- back and forth between Earth and Apokolips was no longer an option. At least without drawing an extraordinary amount of suspicion. All that plotting and building ruined because humans were too curious for their own good! Now he was left no choice but to do more leg work.

 Desaad was on Earth now, currently seated at the insanely primitive computer lab of an Earth Library. Only made possible from all he had to finagle. A small ship with warp and sufficient cloaking, for starters... And more difficultly, some free time.

 It took no small amount of divvying out tasks to trusted assistants and bribing other generals. Luckily his resources were not spread too thin, as Elite Vermin Vundabar already owed him a great deal. And with the combat-specialist on leave since the soldier's exchange, he had time to spare to repay with services. The mousy general didn't like unpaid dept and he was notoriously tight-lipped - so it was nearly perfect. Vundabar agreed to oversee many of Desaad's duties while he was off-planet. Didn't ask too many questions either... but Desaad knew better than to expect the other general wouldn't take the opportunity to do some reconnaissance of his own now that Desaad was away from his temple.

 Not that it would make it any more easy, as now Desaad had taken much further precautions since the last string of misfortune. He was confident the Vundabar wouldn't find much, granted Desaad didn't let his trip stretch on too far. And he could still boomtube home at a moment's notice, should he catch that anything had gone more south than he was particularly comfortable with.

  Now.... Why was he at the library you ask? To research, of course. Human network interfaces were so incredibly backwards and obtuse that it would take quite a bit of effort to acquire or finagle something that could allow him to go online with his own devices. Besides, why expend the effort when there were machines capable of doing such a thing readily available for him?

 The child-minded speedster. He needed to get back into physical quarters with him. And without his secret base of operations acting as both a muffle for the portals and an amplifier for his limited psychic powers, Desaad was left with no other choice than to bring the operations right to Wally's front door. At least to touch base and do some reconnaissance of his own. If his new plan worked, everything would run as smoothly as they had before, if not more.

  He was not leaving anything to chance this time. Way before everything had gone sour with the original plan. Desaad had watched from the shadows, the home Wally called his own, as well as his family. Simple invisibility cloaks and trained assassin's level of stealth had been more than enough to get close.

 The short yellow-haired one. Julian was his name... surprisingly a trans-dimensional being. Often blips back and forth between an adjacent dimensions using meta-based technology, supposedly for a domestic job located elsewhere. Desaad knew enough about Earthman to tell that this wasn't exactly conventional... There wasn't much else he could gather using Earth-based databases about him- at least not on THIS earth. But using his empathic powers from as close-ranged as he could, Desaad gathered that the man, much like his adopted son, had too many voices in his head for a normal human. But this second voice was much less an intrusive entity than a fully fledged second personality.

 The taller one, the one Wally was so attached to. Albert. There was a LOT of information Desaad downloaded about his history and personal accomplishments.  Definitely just by ingesting the raw data on this man, Desaad knew to be wary. Roentgenogram Microscopic vision in light and dark. A small degree of Clairvoyance, with limited hypersensitivity to supernatural and cosmic events. The ability to transmute elements at will. Supposedly bonded at infanthood with this so-called 'Philosopher's stone'. Desaad recognized the recomputing of gene-based technology right away, it was oddly familiar for earth. Perhaps some errant piece from back when The Source erupted, or perhaps something even more ancient.

 Desaad got not so subtly trapped in a Google-induced hole before slapping himself out of it. Gah-! Either way, Desaad wasn't going to let himself become distracted! If he tried to take every intriguing knick-nack from Earth, he'd never leave. Keep your eye on the prize now.

 Anyways, Albert. Desaad had attempted to use his empathic powers to glean some more personal emotional data, but- through his physical deformities or otherwise - did NOT react to it kindly. The earthman began seizing and was thrown into an animalistic rage almost instantly. So... Note to self: Don't do that again. Desaad could only trust what he read here on the Earth Internet for now. But now he understood how someone so seemingly pacifist in nature could be considered a 'Terrorist'.

 Now that he felt he'd gathered sufficient information of everyone there, he could sufficiently disguise himself. Yes, all this research was good for simple preparedness, but it was all culminating to the perfect alternate persona so he might infiltrate their home. Infiltrate them on the REGULAR even.

 He's scrolling through Google images now, looking at keyword's 'Beautiful Person', 'Innocent Person'. Desaad was well-aware that Humans loved their female-folk. So it would have to be female. Female and pretty. Not intimidatingly pretty- oh what was that word they used.... Cute? Image search 'Cute Female'.

 Oh- she was so.... skinny. Apokoliptian females were so much more appealing. The kind of women who'd you thank if they stepped on you. The kind of women that made their pleas for your affections so much more well-earned. He smirked and eyes tilt upwards in reflection. Aaaahh.... anyways. Distracted again. These human computers were way too distracting- what with how you have to give them 100 percent of your visual attention. Enough of that.

 He printed out the image and was shocked to find that it came out.... Monochrome!? How was he supposed to- Argh! He had half a mind to yell at the person in charge of this infernal place! But there were signs everywhere dictating to keep noise-levels at a minimum, so to avoid drawing attention to himself, Desaad grumbled and stomped off to the city streets.

 What was he supposed to do with a black and white picture?? The realistic shades in her hair will be ruined if he tries to color them by hand with the simplistic hologram editor- he wasn't an artist. Skin tone was an easy enough fix, the machine could adjust that automatically... Agh he's going to have to forgo Blonde now. He set the machine to simply copy the color of his own hair. It was marginally more difficult to look innocent with black hair, but this was going to have to suffice.

 After slinking to a covert spot to make the change, minutes later stepping out a whole new person.

Now just adjust the voice a little and- there we go.  

It's time to make some new 'friends'....

[roughmagicblog-blog]

Let The Air In

by Sydney Gayle Amanuel

Northern California looked like fall but it was August. Their draught was and still is, really bad. I remember thinking, ‘The planet is dying and our solution is to give it a slow death.’ I lived in NY but I was teaching at Berkeley for the summer. My boyfriend, who lived in Boston at the time, was on a tour with his band down the East Coast. We were at almost perfect ends of the United States, Northern Cali and South Florida, when I called him and told him I was pregnant. We'd been dating for almost a year.

We have what most consider a good, solid relationship; we are open and honest in our communication, we like to be around each other, he's seen me poop and vomit, all the basics. We talk about everything from politics to pop culture and like to debate with one another, so we’ve already discussed our stances on women's rights long ago. We agree that a woman has the right to decide what's best for herself, her life, and her body.

It was comforting to know that conversation already happened and there wasn’t some “hills like white elephants” situation in the room that we had to step over, but it was still hard to tell him knowing what came next: my personal choice to have an abortion.

I'm very close with my mom, so I was able to talk to her about my pregnancy and my plan to have an abortion. My best friend and roommate was an activist and grass rooter for planned parenthood and knew more than I did. I definitely did spend my time around like-minded people, but to have my mother, best friend, and my partner support me immediately, no questions asked, was more than relief, more than luck. I can't imagine the emotional upheaval for girls in less ideal situations. I was surrounded by positivity for my decision, something you don't see or hear about often and something that is more common than you think. Statistics say 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in her lifetime. It was only after I had decided to have mine, that women I knew spoke up and shared their experiences with me. As soon as I got back to New York I called my local Planned Parenthood and made an appointment.

As comforting as it was to have support from friends, the week before the abortion I found myself doing what everyone does, googling. How much does it hurt? How much does it cost? Will I feel physically bad after? Is the bleeding like a period? What method will be used? How long does it take? What are the risks?

It was almost like google was typing back, surprise! Feel ashamed you careless idiot! Every story I read, every personal account of an abortion, was a tale of woe and regret, of guilt and shame over the death of a child. And these weren't even sites with a blatant religious slant, these made up the first full page of my google search, presented as fact. The internet is not really your friend, not in our post-fact world, alternative fact world. You would think with the abundance of fact checking capabilities and resources, we could sift, see past misinformation, but it’s not so easy. Especially if you are alone. If, unlike me, you didn’t have a mom or a best friend to turn to and say things out loud, make them real. I wasn't really phased by the stories, I've always been strong in my convictions and I've never sat on the fence about a woman's right to choose, but I was stunned at the amount of forums screaming, "Don't do it."

After hours of clicks and scrolls I found myself deep in Youtube looking at abortion photos week by week up until stillbirths. *Not for the faint of heart* If you don’t like blood, don’t look. But for me, it was helpful and kind of amazing. I felt like I was rediscovering my vagina in a way. I remembered when I learned women can masturbate just like men do and orgasm too—I felt tricked. The woman is taboo, and everyone wants to talk about us, just not truthfully and not with us in the room. I closed my laptop.

The day of my procedure. I’m about to get down to details here, feel free to turn back, I’m not censoring anything so, content warning folks.

My roommate went with me to the clinic—turned out guests couldn’t really go further than the front door, they had a whole separate waiting room on the bottom floor. I sat in the designated patients waiting room, staring at glossy pamphlets, wondering if the girl across from me was also here for an abortion. I looked around trying to nonverbally communicate and tell her, “It's okay, I’m scared too.” I didn't know this at the time, but Planned Parenthood not only provides many services for women’s health, but also they have their own staff dedicated to insurance as well as counselors to talk to. Planned Parenthood didn't take my insurance, so they lead me to their insurance floor where I sat and talked with an agent. She explained that through the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), I would be covered for my abortion as well as a new birth control method. I asked what the co-pay was or what she guesstimated the bill to be. She told me I was completely covered, I wouldn't owe anything, that's what the ACA is for. It helps people—that's what it does.

After the insurance was settled, I was called to have a quick checkup and ultrasound. Then they sent me to meet with a counselor who looked a lot like a girl I used to do a radio talk show with in college. I didn't know meeting a counselor was mandatory and I felt uncomfortable, afraid she was going to talk me out of getting the abortion or make me feel the shame the internet implied I should feel. When she asked, “What brings you here today?" I think I may have just said "Abortion." I was so confused and anxious. She nodded and we started to discuss birth control. I wanted to explain: I’m not careless or uneducated, I taught sex-ed to middle and high schoolers, my mom supported me, I use condoms, I’m in a healthy relationship, I’m normal. I wanted to be told that an abortion was normal. She eased me through any questions I had or topics I wanted to discuss. I asked if I could see the sonogram they took of me. She told me I was six weeks along and there, in the shaded grey was a barely visible white dot on my black open uterus. A sack of cells. I kind of wanted to keep the picture, but then thought she might think that was weird, and I realized, yeah that is weird, so I didn't ask. We decided on a new form of birth control together. I had been on the pill since I was 15, I had no choice at the time. I had ovarian cysts and had to regulate myself before they got any worse, but didn't like the negative hormonal effects from the pill. I had mood swings, weight gain, acne, and I never remembered to take it which made me sick and reduced its effectiveness. AKA I had an ineffective form of birth control, which is why I got pregnant. I decided to have an IUD which, she told me, could be put in right after the abortion. No one I knew had an IUD, even my Gyno never mentioned it. But its description was like a light at the end of the tunnel I was walking down again, my taboo female body had been left in the dark.

When it comes to an abortion, there are two options: a surgical abortion or a medical abortion. Surgical abortions take place in a hospital or center, while medical abortions are induced by pills you can take at home. If you have the surgical abortion, you have the choice to be put to sleep or stay awake.

I wanted to have the surgical. I wanted to stay awake. I wanted to fully understand the procedure, be present and remember everything. If I chose to be put to sleep, would I remember anything? Or would it feel like those waking dreams, the ones you can’t discern from reality, and leave you only feeling sad when you wake up. Wishing you could go back in and feel it, even if it was bad. I wanted to know, so I could tell my friends, any woman, that her choice is her choice and it's okay.

In my hospital gown, with blue booties on my feet, I sat in a semicircle of chairs. Other girls also had gowns and booties on, we were all the same. Sitting.

I was given a small white paper cup containing two tylenol pills.

I laid on a white table in a small white room. There were three women in the room, a doctor, her assistant and myself. The doctor explained the numbing solution she was going to put on my cervix can make a person’s lips numb too, like novocaine. I laid back, she numbed me, and kept talking, explaining the next steps. The numbing stuff actually made me lose hearing, quite quickly. The doctor had been talking to me in a calm, slow voice and suddenly a ringing started that got higher in pitch until my ears felt like they were underwater while also on an airplane. I tried to talk, to tell her I couldn’t hear, but I realized I couldn't form the words. So I just sort of grunted to let her know I was okay. She turned on a large machine next to the table I laid on. It looked like a vacuum—it basically was. The machine made a loud sucking and groaning noise which I could hear clearly. This was when the pain started. Special absorbent rods were then used to dilate my cervix. I assumed it was similar to induced labor—your insides sort of start pushing and pumping and it is very, very painful. Women: imagine your worst period cramps x20 and also giving birth all at once. The machine pulled and sucked up the blood as it was being pushed out and my body worked in overdrive to assist the process. This lasted for maybe 10 minutes, but it felt like 30. The whole time I held my hands clasped together, pressed hard into my chest and stared at a florescent light above me. Its plastic covering was painted to look like clouds. I barely remember her putting in the IUD. When the doctor turned the machine off, everything happened fast. They sat me up, placed a pad between my legs and scooted me into a wheelchair. I involuntarily started crying, but I wasn't sad. I think I was happy, relieved.

I was wheeled to a recovery room and placed in a big comfy chair, pad between my legs and hot compress on my uterus to help with the pain. I was exhausted, but also very concerned with accidentally bleeding through my gown and kept drunkenly patting myself to make sure I wasn't. The doctor put a hand on my shoulder and said “We have to do an ultrasound to make sure we got everything.”

In another room, a nurse pressed the plastic ultrasound probe through the cold gel onto my skin. My uterus felt like a used punching bag. They missed part of the sac and I was told they had to go back in to remove the rest, it would be dangerous to leave it. Once again, I was back in the small white room looking up at the fake painted clouds. Another nurse was in the room this time using the ultrasound while the doctor performed my second abortion so that she could clearly see the remaining sac. When she asked how I was doing, I almost laughed. The nurse smiled and held my hand. She told me I was so brave to do this and that I was doing well.

In less than an hour, I technically had two abortions. They also had to insert, remove, and reinsert my IUD. I was told what happened was very rare, and they usually get everything with no complications. I was also told the blood and sac were dark, meaning the blood was old and had been sitting. This could indicate different things, but most likely I would have had a miscarriage if I didn't have an abortion. After my second abortion I was back in the recovery room again, soon changing back into my clothes and eating crackers they tell you to eat before you snip your bracelet off and sign yourself out.

My roommate and I took the subway back to our apartment and within three days I felt fine with no pain or IUD side effects. A month later I got a letter from Medicaid saying I owed nothing but if I wanted to re-up on my insurance I could join and start a plan. A year later I was working in California again, feeling lucky to be alive. I called my partner and we talked about how different our worlds would have been without my abortion, without my right to choose. Now, two years later, the leader of our nation believes in punishing women who undergo this procedure.

I felt compelled to write about my experience, mostly for girls like me. I wanted to tell those girls, those women, that I did it and I am fine. I did it and I am normal and so are you. I am not ashamed, or embarrassed, nor am I guilty or regretful. I'm not saying my decision was easy, but I knew immediately what my decision would be. When I think to myself that 100 or even 50 years ago this was not an option for women, I feel sick. But the truth is, we haven’t really come that far. Look at us, at our country as a whole at the March for Life, the grab em by the pussys, the repetative rape culture. I can only understand these issues through my experiences being a woman in this country. And I fear for marginalized lives, those not as privileged as I am. I fear for those who are people of color, non-white passing, non-cisgendered, for anyone in the LGBTQ community, for anyone of Islamic faith, and for any woman whose rights will be taken away or compromised.

I had my abortion legally, safely, through Planned Parenthood. I now have an effective form of birth control for the next eight years. Both my abortion and birth control were covered under a health program created to give affordable healthcare to Americans that need it. Planned Parenthood offers healthcare and services to both men and women. They provide STI and STD testing as well as HIV testing. Planned Parenthood helped me—they are there to help. To remove funding for services and centers, to create laws that ban certain procedures, and to shut down care centers nationwide is to tell all women in this country that their reproductive rights and health care is not important. It tells women that you do not support them and will actively regress and erase years of an uphill battle that they alone have climbed. What is most hurtful, most frustrating, is that the people who need to read this message will not take the time to. But to those who have, thank you. I hope we can change things, I hope we don't have to end up always fixing them, again, forever.

Sydney Gayle Amanuel is a Salem-based artist. Check out her amazing work here: http://sydneygayle.com