#you don’t have to push it to my personal levels of closeness with JC but if you think the guy who picks his sect at every turn and devotes

[tangledinmdzs]

YES! A hug for every MDZS character!! They all deserved better!!! Well, may be not all of them but, like, a vast majority. Hence, can I ask for some hcs for some mostly lovely Sect Leaders (LXC, JC, NMJ, JGY) getting some kind of massage from their s/o? Shoulder, hand, back massage - whatever pleases you. Being Sect Leader is difficult, they deserve some rest! You too, btw, you living embodiment of writing talant and human sunshine! Don't overwork yourself, sleep and eat well :P

aha hi!

aw thank you thank you! i will take care of myself as well~  you all stay healthy too, okie?

caring for sect leaders, yes absolutely on board. 

here’s to your request~

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Lan Xichen

you love seeing Xichen like this,

after hours,

inner robes soft in the candlelight of the Hanshi 

forehead ribbon off

you sit on the bed, staring at Lan Xichen’s back as he shrugs on his change of inner robes for sleep

you notice the tenseness of his muscles, how every push and pull of his limbs feels a bit strained 

anyone can tell that Xichen was weary, to the bone

from his sect leader duties to his cultivation training

to being your husband

and in the spare time that you have for one another, you know Xichen would never ask you to do anything for him

you sigh at his selfless personality, 

one that he catches as he sits down on the bed besides you

“y/n?” Xichen asks you, worry and curiosity in his voice

were you mad at him? 

did he do something to upset you?

you shake your head at him, before roughly turning his back to you

he lets out a surprised breath at being slightly manhandled, one that turns into a sigh of relief when your hands begin to prod and massage his tired back 

slowly you watch as Xichen melts under your hand, feeling so relaxed that he basically ends up leaning into after a few minutes,

“you’re so tired, A-Huan,” you tell him as you’re massaging his shoulders 

Xichen shakes his head in front of you, lets you massage for as long as you please 

then takes your hands off his shoulder as you’re slowing down, and wraps your arms around him as he leans into you 

you smile as you hug him, resting your head against his

“i love you, y/n” Xichen whispers, brings one of your hands to kiss 

“i know,” you reply, and kiss the side of his temple where you can reach him

Xichen holds your hands to his lips, littering kisses there

a small thanks for all their hard work

Jiang Cheng

Jiang Cheng’s entrance into the bedchambers is quite loud, 

you hear the frustrated slamming of the door long before you hear your partner come into the inner portions of it to your shared bed

you’re sitting by your vanity, brushing your hair in front of the mirror

so you watch the reflection of Jiang Cheng head straight for the bed and simply

drop there

and let out a very noticeable frustrated shout into the goose feather pillows

you hide a giggle behind your hand, putting your comb down to walk over to him

imagine what the people of Yunmeng Jiang would think if they knew their gruff leader still threw tantrums

“rough day?” you ask softly, while a gentle hand lands on the nape of his neck, patting there softly before massaging 

you don’t really hear Jiang Cheng’s muffled affirming grunt as your hands move to his shoulders 

as you begin to massage you move to sit at the bottom of his back,

since he’s already lying on the bed, so it’s easy for your hands to come up

you work out all the tensions and stress in his muscles, smiling at each loosening feeling under your fingertips

Jiang Cheng’s breathing levels out, and he’s so quiet throughout this, that you wonder if he actually fell asleep

“A-Cheng, are you awake?” you ask, leaning down by his ear

your hear a half hum, that you interpret as a yes and get off his back 

slowly, Jiang Cheng turns around, eyes still closed and you move to get off the bed, to let sleep come easier to him

but before you can, a strong hand grabs your wrist, pulls you down into his open arms

you laugh a little as he wraps around you like an octopus, his loose limbs holding you close

Jiang Cheng doesn’t say ‘thank you’; not very often

but you know how thankful he is

by the kiss that he places on your forehead

and then the long one you both share into the rest of the night  

Nie Mingjue

you stare quietly, as you watch Mingjue settle down onto the bed

after so many months with him, you’ve come to read his expressions well

and as his cultivation partner

it was easy fo you to tell

he was tired

so tired

hair frazzled with a quick brushing

callused hands and aching muscles making his movements a bit more stiff than normal

you sigh at him, walking over to the bed to where he is sitting, 

still looking at scrolls even on the bedside,

“Mingjue,” you tell him, as you hover by his side

your hardheaded partner has never ever heeded your words, you know this too well

so you simply wrap the scrolls that’s he’s reading and take them away from him without another word

it’s a testament to how tired Mingjue is when doesn’t even put up a fight, just lets out a sigh

“i still have work to go over, y/n” Mingjue tells you lowly when you sit down behind his hunched back

“well, work can wait” you reply easily and begin massaging his back

Mingjue grunts, a bit in pain, a bit in exasperation as you begin working on his super tense and hard muscles 

your click your tongue at him, wondering how long he’d been pushing himself to get to this rate

“you need to take care of yourself better,” you tell Mingjue, as his shoulder begin to ease the tiniest bit under your care

“i need to care about my work,” Mingjue smart mouths you back

“no work will be taken care of when you fall ill” you tell him

and Mingjue sighs

knows that you’re right

but he can’t help it

you shake your head at him, squeezing his bicep just hard enough to be a borderline pinch

“you-” Mingjue scolds, turning around just to meet your worried eyes,

“if you can’t take care of yourself, at least let me take care of you,” you tell him, quietly

Mingjue blinks at you, 

you stare back at him, honest as can be

Jin Guangyao

when your hands land on Meng Yao’s shoulders, they are surprisingly tense, worked up

“it’s just me,” you reassure, breath tinkling the side of his ear before you lean back and begin to massage his shoulders

you hear a soft breath in front of you, one you hadn’t realized Meng Yao had been holding in anyways

but you’re glad that he feels safe with you

with each press the muscles under your hand relax, easing out into a more comfortable, less rigid form

you smile when you lean a bit to the front to catch Meng Yao’s face, eyes closed, the smallest of smiles from his lips

“better?” you ask him, as you’re pressing into his shoulders

Meng Yao blinks his content eyes open to look up at you

gives you that dimpled smile that he usually wears around the sect

you give him a smile in return

get back to massaging away the tenseness of his daily work

this close, you can see many details of him

like the tenseness of his eyes

one that you don’t quite know yet

how to ease

[bloody-bee-tea]

JC getting small gifts from his disciples on the anniversary of when they joined the sect (maybe in your Rumor has it verse, if you don't mind)

JC Love Month 2020 Day 3

Home in Lotus Pier

Following after BeeTober Day 24

I don’t mind this at all, so have some disciples gifting thoughtful things to JC on the day he saved them and also some JC/JXY bonus ;)

When Jiang Cheng wakes up he’s surprised to find Jiang Xiuying not in bed with him. It causes him to grumble, because Jiang Cheng really prefers to wake up to his love in his bed, but he guesses there is nothing to do about it.

So he gets up, and gets ready for the day alone, same as he normally would—as he did for years before Jiang Xiuying became a fixed point in his routine—but he hates every second of it.

It must be evident in the frown on his face, because when he makes his way to breakfast, people keep out of his way and Jiang Cheng is glad for it.

He had no problem functioning in the morning for the last years, but now that he usually has Jiang Xiuying by his side in the morning he forgot how to be a normal human being without him.

Jiang Cheng is almost ashamed to admit it, but he misses his morning kiss and he is not at all too happy that he has to do without it, apparently.

His angry frown turns into a confused frown when he sits down for breakfast and finds a box next to his bowl of congee.

“What is this?” he asks into the room, because someone is bound to be around, but he doesn’t get an answer and Jiang Cheng heaves out a sigh.

He tugs the box close and opens it and he’s surprised to find that his favourite tea is in it. It’s hard to come by lately, as it is entirely seasonal and only grown in a small spot in Sect Leader Yao’s territory, and after everything that happened at the Cloud Recesses a few months back, he already mentally said goodbye to it.

He wouldn’t be getting any more supplies from Sect Leader Yao after all.

“What is this?” Jiang Cheng asks again, but it’s softer this time, more questioning, and he’s not at all surprised when arms suddenly encircle him from behind.

“Good morning,” Jiang Xiuying says into the skin on his throat and follows it up with a short kiss as well.

“You left me alone,” Jiang Cheng immediately says, entirely aware of how whiny he sounds, and Jiang Xiuying squeezes him.

“I know, and I’m sorry. But there was a problem with Fu Zhihao and she didn’t want to talk to anyone else.”

That immediately makes Jiang Cheng tense.

“What happened?” he asks, already half up in case there is anything he has to do, but Jiang Xiuying pushes him back down.

“She had a flashback or something similar,” Jiang Xiuying tells him. “Woke up terrified out of her mind and Jiang Sushan is out of town as you know. They thought it would be best to call me.”

“Good thinking,” Jiang Cheng says because Jiang Xiuying’s calm presence has helped Jiang Cheng with dealing with volatile demonic cultivators a lot in the past, so he gets that urge.

“How is she now?” Jiang Cheng asks when Jiang Xiuying doesn’t volunteer more information and he shrugs.

“As well as you’d suspect. She remembers where she is now, but the episode left her shaken,” he says and Jiang Cheng nods, because of course it would leave her shaken.

“Anything I can do?” he asks, even though he trusts that Jiang Xiuying would have already told him if there was anything for him to do.

“I trust you to know how stupid that question is,” Jiang Xiuying says, rather predictably, and Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes at him.

It brings his gaze back to the box with tea and Jiang Cheng pulls it close again.

“Do you know where this came from?” he asks Jiang Xiuying, who pouts at him.

“You’re not even asking me for a kiss?” he says and Jiang Cheng feels that is entirely unjustified.

“You’re the one who left before I woke up and who made me get ready without my morning kiss. It only feels fair,” Jiang Cheng gives back and Jiang Xiuying tugs him close, just like Jiang Cheng secretly hoped.

“Duly noted,” Jiang Xiuying whispers right against his lips and then finally brings their lips together.

Jiang Cheng is aware of how cheesy it is, but it’s only then that his day starts to feel right.

“You’re entirely too spoilt,” Jiang Xiuying mutters when they part and Jiang Cheng shrugs, totally unrepentant.

“And whose fault is that?” he wants to know, because it is Jiang Xiuying who spoils Jiang Cheng with his love, and who seems to know that well enough because he doesn’t reply to his question.

“So the tea?” asks again when Jiang Xiuying settled down across from him.

“I’m not sure,” Jiang Xiuying says, which means he damn well knows where this tea comes from but is entirely too unwilling to tell Jiang Cheng.

“Rude,” Jiang Cheng says but he keeps the box close by his side.

It is damn good tea after all.

~*~*~

Jiang Cheng doesn’t entirely forget about the tea, but it goes very far into the back of his mind with how much he has to do.

There are a few of the minor Sects who want to make up for their previous mistakes, so Jiang Cheng hosts them as graciously as he can with a glowering Jiang Xiuying to his right, but he’s glad to see that a few relationships are mended.

When two minor Sect Leaders come by shortly after another, Jiang Cheng is almost too busy to notice the bottle of his favourite alcohol that somehow turns up at dinner.

“Xiuying?” Jiang Cheng calls out when he realizes that it is really the alcohol from a small town in Qinghe and he takes a moment to savour the flagrant smell of it.

“What, my beloved?” Jiang Xiuying says, completely unashamed and Jiang Cheng flushes slightly, like he always does.

It’s kind of a problem, if Jiang Cheng is being honest.

“Stop that,” Jiang Cheng grumbles, and Jiang Xiuying dutifully nods, even though they both know damn well that he will not stop it.

“Where does this alcohol come from?” Jiang Cheng asks to distract himself and Jiang Xiuying smiles before he shrugs.

“From Nie Huaisang maybe?” Jiang Xiuying suggests and Jiang Cheng frowns.

“Unlikely,” he gives back. “He would have given this to me personally, because if there’s a gift from him, there’s also something he wants,” Jiang Cheng says, because Nie Huaisang has never given him anything without a demand.

“I don’t know then,” Jiang Xiuying replies, his tone implying that he does know where it comes from and Jiang Cheng narrows his eyes at him.

“You’re lying to me,” he accuses him and Jiang Xiuying is by his side a second later, pressing an apologizing kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“I promised to keep it a secret, until you figure it out,” Jiang Xiuying explains, and that is a bit better than being outright lied to.

“I see,” Jiang Cheng whispers and pulls the bottle close to pour a cup out for Jiang Xiuying as well.

Jiang Cheng has an inkling of what is happening, especially given the date today, but it doesn’t quite make sense, so he keeps his thoughts to himself.

“You already know,” Jiang Xiuying slowly says but Jiang Cheng shakes his head.

“I suspect,” he corrects and Jiang Xiuying laughs.

“But you don’t trust it,” he says, and Jiang Cheng is surprised to hear a wistful note to his voice, almost as if he’s sad.

“Not yet,” Jiang Cheng says and mentally calculates when the next gift should arrive if his suspicion is right.

He almost hopes it’s not, because he doesn’t understand why that would warrant being given a gift. But he’ll just have to wait and see.

~*~*~

When the next gift arrives, Jiang Cheng is not entirely too surprised, because it goes along with his expectations.

Especially when he sees that it is a small vial of a potent cream Jiang Sushan has developed that soothes the scars on Jiang Cheng’s chest when they act up.

It’s hard to make and Jiang Sushan always loudly declares she doesn’t have the time to make more should Jiang Cheng have even a tiny fraction left but Jiang Cheng knows that Fu Zhihao has been working in the infirmary almost since she came to Lotus Pier.

It’s not entirely impossible that Jiang Sushan taught her how to make the cream. And it’s not entirely impossible that Fu Zhihao took entirely too much time out of her schedule to make it for Jiang Cheng.

“You look unhappy,” Jiang Xiuying rightfully says when he finds Jiang Cheng holding the pot of cream and he comes over to smooth the frown out from Jiang Cheng’s forehead.

“Is this from Fu Zhihao?” Jiang Cheng asks, even though he knows the answer already.

“Maybe,” Jiang Xiuying says with a small shrug and Jiang Cheng sighs.

“This is so stupid,” he complaints. “What is it even for?” he demands to know and Jiang Xiuying levels him with a look.

“Do you really have to ask?” Jiang Xiuying wants to know and Jiang Cheng nods.

“This is so time-consuming to make, I should know, because Jiang Sushan bitches to me about it every single time she has to make it. Fu Zhihao has only been helping Jiang Sushan for the last few months; why would she focus on this, instead of learning some practical things?”

“You are really goddamn stupid sometimes, do you know that?” Jiang Xiuying shoots back and Jiang Cheng pouts at him, because he has found that it is a very effective way to stave off Jiang Xiuying’s ire.

“Do not even start with that,” Jiang Xiuying grumbles but leans in to kiss Jiang Cheng, just like he had hoped. “You truly are spoilt.”

“By you,” Jiang Cheng gives back and threads their fingers together, because Jiang Xiuying is close enough and because he can.

Jiang Cheng has half a mind to go and find Fu Zhihao to ask her why she feels the need to make this, but he figures it might not be the best idea.

Fu Zhihao is still skittish, doesn’t trust anyone but Jiang Sushan and Jiang Xiuying, though she doesn’t seem to mind Jiang Cheng much, but Jiang Cheng still thinks it would be a bas idea to go there and question her.

And besides, if he is right about this, then the next gift should show up in a few days and it should be from Jiang Xiuying who he can question that much more easily.

For once in his life, Jiang Cheng decides to wait.

~*~*~

Jiang Cheng realizes his mistake when he wakes up to beautiful red wedding robes on his bed. Jiang Cheng’s breath catches as soon as his eyes fall on them, and Jiang Xiuying takes the opportunity to slide back into bed behind him, and hug him to his chest.

“Good morning,” Jiang Xiuying whispers and peppers kisses over Jiang Cheng’s shoulders, even as Jiang Cheng reaches out with a shaking hand to touch the robes.

“What is this?” Jiang Cheng asks, his voice trembling and Jiang Xiuying huffs out a laugh into Jiang Cheng’s neck.

“I trust you to be more clever than this,” Jiang Xiuying says and Jiang Cheng cranes his head to look around to Jiang Xiuying.

“Why? Why today of all days?” Jiang Cheng asks because that he doesn’t understand.

“What better day than today?” Jiang Xiuying shoots back and Jiang Cheng breaks out of his arms to turn fully around to him.

“You do know the significance of the dates,” Jiang Xiuying says when Jiang Cheng stays silent and Jiang Cheng shakes his head.

“I know the dates, but I don’t understand.”

“What’s there not to understand?” Jiang Xiuying asks, his whole face going soft in a way that Jiang Cheng is entirely too weak against. “Tell me.”

“The first gift was from Luo Ganting,” Jiang Cheng starts and it makes sense, that he would get that tea for Jiang Cheng, because after the whole thing at the Cloud Recesses, he reconciled with his sister, as far as Jiang Cheng knows.

“The alcohol came from Zhou Nuan,” Jiang Cheng goes on.

Zhou Nuan is one of the few Nie disciples that turned to demonic cultivation and that Jiang Cheng reached soon enough to save her.

“The cream is from Fu Zhihao and the robes are from you,” Jiang Cheng finishes with a whisper and he reaches out for the robes again.

“I just don’t understand why,” Jiang Cheng admits.

“But you do know the dates,” Jiang Xiuying says again, and of course Jiang Cheng knows the dates so he nods.

“It’s the dates I found you, when I took you to Lotus Pier,” Jiang Cheng confidently says, but he frowns when Jiang Xiuying shakes his head.

“No, this is where you’re wrong,” he says and pulls Jiang Cheng into his embrace again. “It’s the dates you took us home,” he says with emphasis.

And this, Jiang Cheng doesn’t understand.

“Those were the worst days of your lives,” he argues. “I really shouldn’t be getting gifts for this.”

“Those days are the start of our new lives,” Jiang Xiuying gives back and presses a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s temple. “We nearly died on those days, yes, and it was objectively the worst, but then you saved us, and you took us home with you. You gave us a home, and so those days also mark the starts of our new lives. Our lives as your disciples. And that, my beloved, is something to celebrate.”

“You are all so sentimental,” Jiang Cheng sighs out but he has to bite back some tears as well.

“You’re one to talk,” Jiang Xiuying chides him. “You’re the one who remembers when all of us came to your Sect.”

Jiang Cheng has nothing to say to that, because Jiang Xiuying is right, after all. He remembers all of the dates.

But it still leaves one question.

“So, what is this?” Jiang Cheng asks, leans more firmly back against Jiang Xiuying, and he tugs the robes close.

They are exquisitely made, Jiang Cheng knows enough about clothes to know that, and Jiang Xiuying huffs out an annoyed breath.

“Really? You really have to ask that?”

“Well, I don’t want to reach the wrong conclusions,” Jiang Cheng says with a small smile and Jiang Xiuying warningly squeezes him.

“What wrong conclusion could there possibly be?” Jiang Xiuying demands to know and Jiang Cheng slightly turns to smirk at Jiang Xiuying.

“You could always be asking for my blessing as a Sect Leader to marry someone else,” Jiang Cheng says, and the words don’t even hurt that much, because Jiang Cheng is not so insecure to think that they are the truth.

Jiang Xiuying is probably going to have his head for even daring to suggest this and going by the angry flush he can see on Jiang Xiuying’s cheeks, he’s not that far off.

“Sure, I usually am in the Sect Leader’s bed to beg for some blessing,” Jiang Xiuying bitingly gives back and then he deflates. “Don’t be stupid, my beloved,” he whispers.

“I’m not,” Jiang Cheng reassures him. “I just maybe want to hear you say it,” he then admits and puts his hands on top of Jiang Xiuying’s. “Indulge me?”

“Always,” Jiang Xiuying says and presses a kiss to the soft skin under Jiang Cheng’s ear. “My beloved, will you marry me?” Jiang Xiuying then asks without hesitation or sweet words and Jiang Cheng turns around in his arms at that, straddling his fiancé and he puts his arms around Jiang Xiuying’s neck.

“Yes,” Jiang Cheng tells him and then immediately leans in for a kiss.

There is not much to say between them after that, and they are too busy trading kisses to even think of something anyway.

The red robes get a little bit wrinkled that day, but it’s not as bad as it will be on their wedding day, Jiang Cheng is sure of that. And he’s definitely looking forward to that.

Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!

[crossdressingdeath]

I can’t believe so many people missed the point of WWX and JC going their separate ways. It’s not just saying they don’t like it, they just think the author tricked them as if MXTX didn’t consistently show WWX getting more and more tired of JC’s attitude as the novel went on.

Guanyin Temple JC finally takes things too far with the things he said and WWX needs to tell him enough while hiding behind LWJ. Even JC himself realized how unfair he was being when he says even now he expected WWX to comfort him. JC himself realized how stupid he was being and it’s why he finally let WWX go and never told him about distracting the Wen’s. JC, even on a small level, realized he just guilts WWX and forces him to stay.

The kindest thing JC ever did for WWX at the end of the novel was letting WWX go without any comments and finally accepting they have their own lives to live. Which is huge considering the day before he literally kept preventing WWX from leaving the ancestor hall just to insult him and try forcing a fight out of him and even pushed WWX to minor Qi Deviation at the same time.

Can they reconcile one day? Maybe. But by the end of the novel and as we see post canon, it won’t happen for a long time and no one is forcing the issue of them not being in each others lives right now. Not even Jin Ling cares. Just because people don’t like it doesn’t mean it came out of no where and it’s ignoring the only step JC has taken to do something right by WWX.

Yeah. There’s an increasingly strong sense throughout the present day arc that WWX is just getting more and more done with JC’s shit every time they see each other; you can really feel how the time away from JC and with someone who treats him kindly and with genuine love and affection is showing him that JC doesn’t treat him well and that he does deserve better than JC gives him. And of course there’s other things, like the difference between LWJ’s treatment of the juniors under his authority and JC’s treatment of JL. It’s like... one of the most obvious markers of how much WWX has changed and come into his own since his childhood is that while he never approved of JC’s dickishness the things he found amusing and cute and maybe a little unpleasant at worst as a kid growing up in Lotus Pier he finds deeply annoying at best as a grown man facing his childhood playmate who hasn’t grown at all from those days. Which makes sense for multiple reasons; it’s WWX growing and realizing he doesn’t have to put up with JC’s shit, and it’s also a grown man seeing his childhood friend behaving exactly how he did when they were children and realizing in the way a child wouldn’t how pointless and cruel and childish that behaviour is and always was.

The lack of reconciliation is I think a mark of how different they’ve become. They were always different, but WWX has grown as a person. JC hasn’t. Take the scene where WWX says, almost fondly, “You haven’t changed a bit”; he’s not happy with JC’s behaviour, but this is the brother he remembers and he’s glad to see him. Then JC whirls around, says “I’ll show you who hasn’t changed”, and sics WWX’s worst fear on him for no reason. This isn’t all that far into the present day arc and WWX has yet to grow that much, but you can see even then how WWX is changing and growing and JC hasn’t and isn’t. And when WWX takes JC’s lack of change as a minor disappointment perhaps but also almost a relief the same way NHS’s apparent lack of change is JC flips out, turns around and accuses the man who was dead of not changing while he was dead and then attacks him. And of course that builds with every interaction they have, and every flashback shows us more evidence that these two are incompatible as people and that reconciliation would actually be a bad thing. Particularly for WWX, but they could never make each other happy. They’re just... too different and want mutually exclusive things from each other and from life. If you look at all the scenes with WWX and JC, really look at them without using the lens of “Aw Yunmeng bros so great”, you see two children raised together and told to be close from a young age who take opposite lessons from their experience and opposite paths in life and in the end can’t go back to that childhood. Even as early as the Xuanwu arc you can see it starting; WWX wants to step in and help, he sees it as their duty. JC actively stops him and would’ve forced WWX to be a bystander to MM’s brutal murder-by-monster if JZX and LWJ hadn’t stepped in. Nothing really comes of it at the time (except for JC’s temper tantrum later), but it’s a clear sign of the coming split in their beliefs with the Wen remnants; the split that turns out to be irreconcilable. 

There’s also things like the comparison to the Twin Jades with the “Twin Heroes” (or “Twin Prides” if you prefer, I have no idea which is a more accurate translation if in fact either of them are more correct) thing. The “Twin Jades” moniker is something the people gave to LXC and LWJ, because their relationship was so clearly as close as twins. And they’re beautiful and charming (...well, LXC is) and their public image is one of them being incredibly close brothers. The Twin Heroes moniker is something WWX invokes, using the example of another set of brothers who are known for being close. It’s not something that’s actually used, it’s something WWX makes up to bring JC down from his temper tantrum and that never really comes up again until JC uses it to guilt him later. Really think about that scene. WWX creates parallels to other, more loving and more successful (for lack of a better term) brothers, rather than focus on how loving he and JC are. “If Gusu has its Twin Jades, Yunmeng will have its Twin Heroes”, “we’ll be just like our fathers”... I don’t know, maybe it’s just me? But it feels kind of like WWX is... grasping at straws a bit. He says he’ll be loyal, but it feels less like a “we’re brothers and we love each other” and more like “look, we’ll be like these people who love each other!”

So... yeah, MXTX actually spends a lot of time on foreshadowing that Yunmeng bros are not a relationship that will survive the test of time. The biggest surprise in the Guanyin temple where they finally officially go their separate ways (I say officially because let’s face it, the two of them pretty much went their separate ways the day JC declared WWX a traitor to all the sects for not being down with genocide) is that JC does realize that he’s being incredibly unfair to WWX and lets him go without trying to guilt him over JC’s sacrifice, and even that was a good and satisfying point for his story to end on. This was a natural and well set up place for that relationship to end up, and like... people can dislike it all they want, but saying MXTX somehow “tricked” them or fucked up the story just because she disliked JC (which I’ve always found to be a generally stupid argument to level at authors anyway because as an (aspiring) author let me tell you if I hate a character enough to sabotage my own story to fuck them over I rewrite or remove the character) is an embarrassingly lazy analysis of the novel (and even calling it an analysis is a stretch but I can’t think of a better word off the top of my head) at best and at worst is an insult to MXTX and the novel she worked so hard to create.

[watch-grok-brainrot]

Jin Guangyao's Violation of 忠孝仁义

So I had written about WWX and his strong sense of 忠孝仁义 last week. While I was writing it, I kept on thinking about JGY and how he managed to violate all of these virtues. I wanted to go into this characterization of him because I find it so interesting how opposite he is to WWX in the decisions he made. (Warning: i’m not nice to JGY here so if you don’t want him dragged, don’t read?)

忠- loyalty, devotion, fidelity (usually for country or monarch)

(Can I take a moment to talk about how much I LOVE THIS SHOT?! The blood of WRH on the camera lens, WRH falling over, the sudden shift to brightness that mirrors the scene in ep 50 where JGY obscures the sun in his bow (picture above the read more cut)! I can’t get over how much I LOVE the lighting and the way WRH collapses, making way for JGY to become the new sun. Foreshadowing much CQL Crew?!)

This one might be a stretch depending on how you read JGY. I fully believe he went to work for Wen Ruohan as Wen Zhuliu did -- seeking someone who will value his skills. However, WZL died for WRH and JGY just bided his time. (Note: While we know very little about Wen Zhuliu, we know he was at least 忠 and 义. He died for WRH and Wen Chao and refused to let WC desecrate Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan’s bodies. For that, I have to give him respect. He, despite everything, still had that jianghu sense of 义. Also, the man can count. And knows what a golden core feels like.)

So we know JGY gave Lan Xichen the maps, but he also lured them to Nightless City where the puppets were waiting. Had WWX not brought out the Stygian Tiger Amulet, would JGY have murdered WRH? Or would he have stayed in the shadows forever? As a viewer I have no idea what JGY is thinking, what he’s doing, or what he’s hoping for. He hides so well his intentions that there is debate about if he really was helping with the Sunshot Campaign or not! That isn’t something you can say about someone with loyalty. 

What upsets me further is that Nie Mingjie, having been JGY’s superior officer, sees JGY more clearly than LXC can. NMJ has seen JGY murder and has seen the level of self-serving vindictiveness JGY is capable of. In the case of the Sunshot Campaign, this self-serving attitude made JGY become a double agent uncommitted to either side. Too bad NMJ could not convince LXC of JGY’s duplicity. I’m gonna blame those dimples. 

The fact that we do not know JGY’s intent really shows his lack of 忠. If You Stand For Nothing, JGY, What Will You Fall For? (Answer: Himself and that is not 忠)

孝 - filial piety (deference to your lineage)

So for 孝, you’re supposed to respect your parents, honor your parents, and defer to your parents. What are you not supposed to do? Kill you father. That’s what.

So this should’ve been a really short section because that’s pretty cut and dry. But I want to look at what JGY says to JGS when JGY brings in Sisi and the other women. 

(He’s so creepy in this picture! *shudders*)

“父亲,我给你找来了你最爱的女人. 有很多个. 你高兴吗?”

“Father, I have brought you your favorite -- women. There are many. Are you happy?”

(Translation note: you can translate the line as your favorite women or your favorite -- women. I chose to translate it as the latter due to the context.)

First of all, the tone. JGY’s voice is breathy. I can almost hear a smile. He has zero moral qualms about this. He addresses his father as father, not dad or anything close. But he does acknowledge that relationship. And then he says he’s brought JGS’s favorite. There’s a slight emphasis on the favorite there. And it’s creepy. JGY adds the next line and goose bumps start to form on my skin. He knows his father’s sins and he’s punishing his father with it. Why are you doing this JGY?! And at the end, when it asks “Are you happy?” his voice is so sinister I want to scream. JGY clearly knows what he’s doing. He knows exactly what it means to be 孝 and chooses to make a mockery of 孝, to make a mockery of his father, and to kill his father. 

And then, after he watches JGS die, he tells Sisi and the other women to continue -- to desecrate JGS’s body. This is about as un-孝 as one can get! Remember, WWX and JC were willing to die to get JFM and YZY’s bodies back so they could be cremated and honored. The difference here is night and day! Yes, JGY was very good to his mother, including building a Guanyin Statue in her likeness and sparing Sisi who was a friend of his mother’s, but I cannot get over how much of an abomination he was toward JGS (even if JGS deserved an awful death).

仁 - benevolence, humanity, love of man

JGY has no 仁. Does JGY love anyone other than himself? Maybe his mom. (He might have some 仁 towards Su Sh*t She but that’s only suggested by the last couple of episodes.) That’s really it. He might have loved Jin Ling as his nephew. He might have loved LXC for LXC’s kindness and brotherhood. He might have loved Qin Su as whatever relationship he thinks they had. But when push comes to shove, JGY has zero benevolence towards anyone. He’s willing to kill Qin Su, take Jin Ling hostage, and take LXC hostage. (He also has no 义 but that’s the next section!)

And there’s ep 23. When LXC, JGS, and NMJ were discussing what to do with the Wens,  JGY suggested the Wens be imprisoned at QiongQi Path. Since WRH had ordered the slaughter of multiple clans, including the Jiangs at Lotus Pier, doing the same to him would not be considered unreasonable. Ruthless, yes, but a good show of might and order. This acceptance of murder is due to the concept of 诛九族. 诛九族 (zhū jiǔ zú) is one of the most severe punishments in ancient China. The character breakdown makes it fairly self explanatory:

诛 - to execute, kill, put to death

九 - nine

族 - family, clan,ethnic group, or tribe

诛九族 condemns you and your entire family to death (Depending on the source, some say it’s you + 8 types of relatives. Some say it’s everyone related to you from 4 generations above to 4 generations below).

By suggesting the Wen remnants be imprisoned and not slaughtered, JGY presented himself as 仁. However, by turning around and slaughtering the people per JGS’s wishes, JGY knowingly chose the immoral path where blood flowed like rivers. 

(Also! The way this shot pans down makes me think about how JGY is descending into a hell of his own making...)

义-  righteousness and code of brotherhood

Good god, 义. I have so many feelings about 义. Let’s start with some history because CONTEXT is so important. So when you ask a chinese person on the street to give you an example of 义, I’m willing to bet one of the most common answers you will get is 桃园结义 (tao yuan jie yi, or peach garden/grove establishment of brotherhood). This is THE story of fraternal love between non-blood related men. 

So quick and dirty synopsis of 桃园结义 and the three kingdoms story (I actually haven’t read it and it’s been a while since I actually tried to figure out the plot… so hopefully this is all correct!). Three men (刘备、关羽、张飞/ Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei) met on the streets, fought each other, became besties, and decided to start a rebellion. They took over one third of the country with the oldest (刘备) being the monarch and the other two working at his side (a little Yunmeng bros feel there, right? You’ll be the leader, I’ll be your right hand man). And they died for each other. 关羽 was the first to go. To seek revenge, 张飞 worked his men to the rebellion. Two of 张飞’s subordinates ultimately decapitated him while he was sleeping and brought it to their enemy. 张飞’s head and body are buried in two different cities in China (doesn’t this make you think of NMJ’s fate? Because it did when I was thinking about this and I wanted to cry. Also, 张飞 started out as a butcher. SERIOUSLY CQL/MDZS, can we pretend to be SUBTLE!?). 刘备 continued seeking revenge. Prior to 关羽’s death, the three kingdoms were in semi-equilibrium where the two smaller ones were allied against the larger. However, 关羽 being killed by their kinda-ally destroyed the delicate balance between the three kingdoms. 刘备 could’ve tried to make peace but he wasn’t going to let his sworn brother’s murder go unavenged. They all died in the end but with honor and brotherhood intact. 刘备 and 张飞’s determination to avenge 关羽’s death epitomizes the virtue of 义. They are willing to die for eachother. 

In CQL the parallelism to the 桃园结义 imagery is obvious to anyone who has a cultural background that screams Romance of Three Kingdoms at you. Let’s take a look, ok?  

A quick Google image search yields these images (I couldn’t choose): 

You know what they look like? This (from ep 40): 

You know what 桃园结义 looks like when mainland China made a live action? This: 

And you know what that reminds me of in CQL (ep 23)? 

Are you freaking out now about the visual parallels? Ok. Good. Because we’re moving onto a tiny bit of text comparison because i’m excited and i can. 

Per Romance of Three Kingdoms (note: historically inspired novel, not history), 刘备、关羽、张飞 swore the following oath: 

“念刘备、关羽、张飞，

Hope that Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei

虽然异姓，既结为兄弟，

Even though we have different last names,since we have sworn to be brothers

则同心协力，救困扶危；

Then let us unite our hearts and efforts towards helping the needy

上报国家，下安黎庶。

Repaying our country, bringing peace to the people.

不求同年同月同日生，

We do not ask to be born on the same day of the same month of the same year

只愿同年同月同日死。

But hope to die on the same day of the same month of the same year

皇天后土，实鉴此心，

Heaven and earth, verify our hearts

背义忘恩，天人共戮！”

If we turn our backs to righteousness and forget charity, may we be slaughtered by all. 

Now, let’s look at the oath said by the 3zun:

“神明在上。

Brilliant gods above, 

今日我兄弟三人在此立下重誓，

Today, we three brothers swear a solemn oath here 

上报仙门，下安黎庶 ， 

To repay our cultivation sects, To bring peace to the people.

天地同证，如有异心，

Heaven and earth be our witnesses. If we become disloyal, 

千夫所指，天人共怒”

May a thousand men point their fingers at us and may we be incite the anger of all

Even some of the wording is verbatim. The parts I bolded are what I was excited by since they’re either parallel or verbatim. 

The first set of lines: 上报国家，下安黎庶 and 上报仙门，下安黎庶 . (Remember when I guessed in my WWX post that since there are no countries, the cultivation sects are the target of 忠? This is my proof that I was right!) My hubris aside, this is the part of their oath where they swear to be both 忠 and 仁 together. The wording is verbatim except for the part that doesn’t apply to the CQL universe! 

The second set of lines: 天人共戮 vs 天人共怒. The sentence/phrase format and message is identical-- betray this oath and incur wrath.  (I can’t help but headcanon NMJ wanted to say 天人共戮 because it’s so much more metal but JGY was like, that’s really severe and convinced LXC to side with him to get it changed.)

Even the structure of the oaths are similar. Both oaths start with an introduction (we are three who want to be brothers), both oaths ask the heaven and earth to see them (Heaven and earth, verify our hearts & heaven and earth be our witnesses), and both oaths call upon the wrath of the people for vindication in case of betrayal. The CQL version is an abridged version of the three kingdoms oath and the writers set that up along with all the imagery because they want us to be constantly thinking about the three kingdoms bros and their amazing “even after death we’re still brothers” sense of 义.  They want us to compare JGY’s 义 with that 义 and find JGY lacking. 

The obvious betrayal of 义 is NMJ’s death.  Not only is JGY the cause of NMJ’s death, he butchers (i’m cringing at my own pun... but it’s so accurate) NMJ’s body so that NMJ’s spirit cannot rest. 

But, to me, what JGY does to LXC is betrayal on par with what he does to NMJ (and not dissimilar to what Xue Yang does to Xiao Xingchen). As we went over in the section about 仁, JGY says one thing so that LXC suggest JGY handles the matter. When everyone leaves, JGY does the un-仁 thing, essentially with LXC’s blessing. JGY kills NMJ but he does it by asking LXC to teach him how to play guqin. LXC becomes an unknowing accomplice (like XXC who becomes the killer of tongueless victims of corpse poison). 

So remember in my WWX post how I said WWX took on what he perceived as JC’s debts so JC doesn’t end up 不仁不义? JGY says one thing and does another in front of LXC. He knows LXC cares deeply about being righteous and kind. He knows LXC wants to do good. And he leads LXC down a path of self doubt and regret. LXC ends up teaching JGY the techniques that kill NMJ. LXC lets JGY handle the Wen remnants. Thus, unlike WWX who tries to absolve JC, JGY intentionally puts LXC into the position of 不仁不义. 

Can WWX and JGY be more diametrically opposed (foes)?

[neuxue]

Hello hello. I just started watching The Untamed and found your blog and it's been a lot of fun because, somebody has already put my mental screaming into words so thank you for that! I'm kind of mentally stuck on the events of the Lotus Pavillion massacre tho and just had to get my thoughts out because I haven't seen this said anywhere yet? So,1- When JC and Sis are in mourning they leave everything so WWX. except he just got whipped and it would've taken him a month to heal. Soooo (1/2)

(2/2) yeah WWX in also in excruciating physical pain on top of emotional and mental and nobody notices or remembers that his back is shredded.

Oh man okay, so. On the one hand, you are not wrong. On the other hand... 

I’ve said this before, but something I like about this show is the approach it takes to letting everything go to shit, in that it’s often not any specific person’s fault so much as it is a whole bunch of people’s virtues and flaws and insecurities and intentions good or ill all snagging against each other.

Because my own interpretive lens tends to be biased towards... looking from every character’s perspective and optimising for maximum pain to maximum number of characters (dark ethics, show me the forbidden utilitarianism) rather than assigning blame to any specific one. 

So, with that lens in place, my take on this (and yours may be different!):

On no one noticing/remembering Wei Wuxian being in pain

I’m always here for the ‘how are you even standing’ trope and it may not be outright stated in the episode but Wei Wuxian has been whipped by magical lightning to the extent that it’s a believable claim to make that he won’t be able to walk for weeks. (Whether Yu Ziyuan exaggerates in an attempt to convince Wang Lingjiao to leave them alone is... a topic for another time, but either way it’s a pretty sure bet Wei Wuxian’s in agony). 

Thing is (and this, too, is its own kind of devastating), Wei Wuxian is not unaccustomed to ignoring, downplaying, and enduring extreme pain. And he has effectively conditioned everyone around him to go along with it. Maybe they don’t always completely believe him, but he’s just so good at drawing everyone into his pretense with him that I don’t think they always see the degree to which he’s hurting (or at least they know it’s futile to push it).

I also think it’s not unlikely that he’s experienced this specific pain before (and, if so, likely has practice in pushing through this exact experience, so that his siblings won’t worry, won’t feel guilty, won’t have to choose between him and their mother. Which would only hurt them if they knew, and really any way you spin it that family is a mess on so many levels, ow). 

Also, not insignificantly, adrenaline is one hell of a painkiller, while it lasts.

So he’s able to take pain that should have anyone else on their knees and just... put it aside, ignore it, push through it without a word. 

Enough so that Jiang Yanli (who wasn’t there and therefore actually doesn’t know what has happened) doesn’t realise. Enough so that Jiang Cheng (who was there, but is, I think, practised at not seeing or not thinking about certain things--another topic for another time, but Jiang Cheng has been hurt and shaped by this family just as much as Wei Wuxian has, though in different ways) doesn’t question Wei Wuxian standing up with a makeshift oar to try to bring them all back to their family.

It’s as if we’re seeing the damage of all three of them, with respect to the particular dysfunction of their family, playing out here. Wei Wuxian masking pain in order to protect (prioritise) his siblings. Jiang Cheng seeing the image he is presented, rather than dealing with the truth he fears. Jiang Yanli being set aside, shielded (overlooked). This feels like a pattern that has played out before, all of them playing their roles. Which, you know, hurts.

On everything being ‘left’ to Wei Wuxian

On paper, that is pretty much what happens. But I tend to read this as... all three siblings’ established characterisation, their existing dynamic, and the ways in which different people respond to crisis, panic, and grief.

Firstly, this is what Wei Wuxian does. He sacrifices himself at every opportunity to protect those around him (especially but by no means exclusively his siblings). 

That’s even more true now, with the last words of both his adoptive parents in his ears (‘protect them’), the reminder of what he has written into the very fabric of himself: that he owes them, that they are more important, that his only value is in his capability, and even that has value only when used to help others. That he is nothing and they are everything, and so the only acceptable option is to sacrifice himself in whatever way is necessary.

Which, you know, hurts. And we can put no small portion of the blame for that on his upbringing, and on the cultivation world as a whole for the way it regards reputation and bloodline and family and obligation and role.

But here’s the thing: there’s plenty of emotional damage to go around! Because Wei Wuxian does this, each time, unasked and unasking. He just... steps up quietly, ignores his own pain, and does what he feels is necessary--regardless of whether those he is doing this for would want that from him. 

(I’m not going to argue the ethics of that one way or the other because that’s not really my point here; my point is more just that he makes that choice unilaterally, and it hurts for all of them. Wei Wuxian because he has so deeply internalised the thought that he has to do this, and his siblings because they probably don’t want to see him hurt).

Finally, there’s the whole issue of how people cope in a crisis. No one in this scene is operating at 100% rational capacity. They’re shocked and hurt and grieving and terrified, and that combination makes for a kind of... not always tunnel vision, exactly, but snap decisions and narrowed focus and a kind of brutal triage: if it’s not immediately relevant and vital, it doesn’t register. So, the ability to think about what you say before you let the words out, the ability to hold back the urge to cry or lash out, the ability to look past yourself and register the suppressed signs of pain in your sibling--all of these are pretty much offline for the time being.

For Jiang Cheng, that manifests first as a frantic need to get back to his family; that takes priority, consumes him, in this state of panic and fear and the world crumbling around him, over anything and everything else. Later, that turns to anger because again he’s just not in a headspace to be able to process it further than that, to hold any of that back. 

For Jiang Yanli, it manifests as sadness, as grief, as reaching out to her brothers and trying to hold them close, but also as a fear of confrontation, of doing anything that could make this worse. Where Jiang Cheng’s desperation is get to my family, hers is keep my family together.

Meanwhile Wei Wuxian defaults to his base state of There Must Be A Way Self-Sacrifice Can Solve This Problem. It’s... a heartbreaking kind of altruism, but in its way just as irrational and panic-driven as his siblings’ responses. This is what he does, so he throws himself into it without considering any other option, because he’s not in a place where he can. His desperation is that ingrained protect my family above myself. 

(Also, he’s very much a ‘throw yourself into the task at hand in order to keep the trauma at bay’ kind of person, so this is basically his coping mechanism, just as anger is Jiang Cheng’s). 

tl;dr: somewhere in there I had a point, and I think it’s basically ‘everyone in this sequence is hurting so much, and they’re all so raw and exposed, and falling into these deeply engrained patterns that hurt all of them and help none of them and yet it’s all they can do, because this is what their world has made them’.

[angelrider13]

Alright, so I mentioned in discord yesterday that Thalassa’s been dimension hopping. (We all have that one OC.) She’s currently hanging out in MDZS/Untamed world and causing chaos - as she does. @starofthemourning asked what specifically she was getting up to. So have a ramble!

- Thalassa was just minding her business, cruising through Death’s realm as she does from time to time, visiting past children and friends, helping newly deceased souls cross over, etc., etc., when she gets yoinked into a completely different land of the living.

- Thalassa: Toto, we are not in Eos anymore.

- She’s been summoned into the body of a young woman by a group of demonic cultivators that pushed some buttons they should not have. They are a cult, because of course they are, and Thalassa has no idea what’s happening, but they are cuckoo bananapuffs and leaning WAY too hard on the cult thing - virgin sacrifices, child sacrifices, torture, lotsa bad things. Thalassa in her new, 100% human body, says no.

- Enter JC! Who, as we know, hunts down demonic cultivators with a single mindedness that is probably more than a little unhealthy. And this is...I’m saying like 3 years after WWX died, so some things as still fresh (and also, other people are still alive to react to Thalassa and her...Thalassa-ness).

- JC arrives to find that Thalassa has already solved the problem. Very thoroughly. This strange woman covered in blood, with lines of fire burning across her skin and a smile that’s all teeth and gold, gold eyes that burn with power, escorting children and missing travelers out of the smoking ruins of their former prison, carrying the dead and dying with her. Because she cannot save them, but they will die free.

- JC is immediately Suspicious. This woman is not a cultivator. She is also not human. He is sure of it. He absolutely cannot prove it. (The body she’s currently inhabiting is human, she used to be human in body and soul and still is to an extent - she’s not lying.)

- Thalassa ends up being dragged to Lotus Pier along with some of the kids she saved, because orphans and we all know that Thalassa can and will adopt everything that breathes if it stands still long enough. She has technically done nothing wrong and has earned the gratitude and good will of quite a few people, so it would look bad if JC just disappeared her. But Something Is Afoot, so JC isn’t about to let her go gallivanting across the countryside either.

- Thalassa notices pretty quick that these people bow a lot. In greeting, in farewell, to show respect. Thalassa is Not About That. She is the Sea and the Sea Does Not Bow. It’s not such a big deal at first because the circumstances of meeting are...messy. But once they’re in Lotus Pier, people start noticing that she never bows, even after they’ve bowed to her, and they are Offended. The only ones that are not are the kids that she adopted. No one says anything at first, but they all make spectacular pissy faces that Thalassa delights in. JC eventually snaps at her, snarling about respect, and Thalassa calmly replies that if she ever bows to him or anyone else, they will have earned it. (”I have only ever bowed to my Mothers, to Death and to the Light of Dawn, and no other.”) JC, knowing that she’s not human, but not knowing exactly how, doesn’t bring it up again.

- Thalassa likes Lotus Pier. It’s bright and colorful and loud and surrounded by water. It’s not as good as her waters, of course, but it’s nice to be able to swim when the mood strikes. It’s nice to be able to swim with the children, nice to know that everyone learns to swim at Lotus Pier and that they take it seriously. The first time she catches JC teaching the kids she brought with her to swim she stares because he’s not gentle exactly, but...softer. These people operate on different rules than her, but it’s nice to know that somethings always stay the same.

- It takes Lotus Pier a little while to figure out that they’ve been adopted, but they get there. Thalassa is the weird big sister/aunt/mother figure that will be getting you into trouble one moment and then helping out get out of it the next. She doesn’t bow and they don’t make her. She’s chaos in human skin, but some of them (far, far too few) remember that Lotus Pier has always had a soft spot for chaos gremlins and their antics. It brings smiles to their faces when they see this strange whirlwind of a woman trail after their Sect Leader, tugging at his sleeves and leaning into his space and laughing with a smile brighter than the sun when he swats at her, a secret grin tugging at the corners of his scowl.

- At some point, Thalassa meets other sects. It goes...well it goes. For maximum chaos, let’s say its a discussion conference. At Jinlintai. Which brings us right back to the Thalassa and bowing thing.

- JC and YunmengJiang have been dealing with Thalassa’s bullshit for - months? a year? who knows, it’s been awhile - at this point and know that it’s better to just Roll With It.

- The rest of the cultivation world has very much not learned this lesson.

- The Lan are Offended. So Offended. Depending on the Lan, at least. LXC is pretty chill and would probably also be offended, but not let it bother him much. LQR leans so much on propriety that he might just qi deviate. LWJ also leans pretty heavily on propriety but he is also that person who is So Done With Everyone’s Bullshit that he’ll just walk right out of the room so who knows.

- The rules of propriety! Broken!! Without cause or care!!! The Lans are flipping their shit. Quietly. And with great dignity.

- The Nie also kinda offended, but not nearly as much as the Lan. It’s not often that a woman will look Sect Leader Nie in the eye and refuse to bow to him, but NMJ can admire the guts it takes. He’s also the most likely to bring it up and Thalassa will calmly tell him what she tells everyone who asks - that she does not bow. Most especially not for social niceties that mean next to nothing at the end of the day.

- She absolutely bonds with NHS over the arts. He shows off his fans, she does a dance or two with them, they ramble at each other, they are now best friends. (JC is in the background being a Dispair because he knows, he knows, the NHS is an Enabler. He should never have allowed them to meet.)

- The Jin...well. Thalassa is a woman. Thalassa is very pretty. Thalassa knows she is very pretty and flirts as she pleases and moves with a grace that draws many a eye. And JGS...is JGS.

- You know that post that’s buried in my STotS story tag where Mera, literal Queen of Atlantis, breaks a man’s arm because he put his hands on her without her permission? I’m not saying that happens...but that 100% happens.

- JGS tries to be all smooth and Thalassa is Not Having It. She is well aware that 1) this jackass is married AND absolutely does not have the permission of his wife to fuck around and 2) JGS has a reputation among women. And it is not one that endears JGS to her.

- So he puts his hands on her. Pulls her close and tries to flirt. She tells him to let go. He smiles in that ‘aw you’re playing hard to get, how cute’ way that he probably thinks is charming but really wants to make women punch his face in, and gropes her. So Thalassa breaks his arm, snaps it in her hand and doesn’t let go. She uses the pain and the leverage of her grip to force him to his knees before her.

- It draws attention. JGS doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who gets in physical fights much - he probably doesn’t have much pain tolerance. He’s likely screaming. And you know cultivators are trigger happy little shits so swords are drawn. Thalassa smiles, all teeth.

- JGS is probably demanding that JC ‘put his woman in her place’. JC, having witnessed what happened and far less inclined to put up with this man than he was in the immediate aftermath of the Sunshot Campaign when all he had was the ashes of his sect, is having None Of It. He’s like well if she’s my woman why are you touching her and if she said no, why are you still touching her?

- NMJ approves. JGS deserves this. He’s had it coming for years. He is so happy he gets to witness this. As far as he’s concerned JGS brought this on himself and if he can’t handle it, maybe he should try keeping his dick in his pants.

- Thalassa is not impressed. She’s heard the titles thrown around. Sect Leader, Chief Cultivator, Your Excellency. She is well aware that leaders do not represent the entirety of the people, yet these people overthrew a tyrant and let this take his place? (”So you allow an oathbreaking rapist to lead you. This explains so much.”)

- JGY steps up and tries to smooth over the situation. Thalassa does not allow it. (”The next time he touches me, I will cut off his cock. If any woman he’s touched comes to me for help, I will rip out his intestines and strangle him with them.”)

- The Jiang are the only ones who know that she means this 100% literally. More than a few of them are okay with her following through. JC is standing at her shoulder, glowering at the whole room because Thalassa is one of His People at this point and you better believe he’s not going to let someone, not even another Sect Leader, not even the Chief Cultivator, disrespect her this way.

- JGY continues to deescalate with varying levels of success. (Thalassa is old. She is old and has lived through much. She knows what a viper looks like no matter how honeyed the words or how silver the tongue or how sweet the smile. This child thinks he can manipulate her. How cute.)

- In the end, no action is taken against Thalassa. JC is loud in his defense of her actions and NMJ and LXC side with him. JGS was in the wrong and his behavior was disgraceful. The Jin have no choice but to concede fault.

- Thalassa may or may not spend the rest of her time in Jinlintai teaching as many women as she can how to cripple a man twice their size.

[sunflowersunshinevol6]

My Red Right Hand

Pt. 2 preview

Rosie stirred slightly, aware that the car was parked. She went to lift her head, only to feel Harry's fingers pressing against her scalp, pushing her back down. She hadn't realized her head was in his lap.

"Harry wha-"

"Shh." He scolded. "Go back to sleep. Gonna catch a couple hours m'self. You're okay." She closes her eyes again, slowly, as she listens to Harry's breathing even out.

“So how much further do we have to go?” Rosie asked. She was reclining in the passenger seat, feet propped against the dashboard. She played with strands of her hair as she talked. “I mean….I’d like to take a shower and get a change of clothing.” She knew she stunk to high heaven, and even if Harry wouldn’t admit it, he could smell her too. She was grateful he kept quiet. 

“Actually we are only a couple towns away now. Thought we’d get a hotel room tonight. I’ll take you to the Goodwill and-”

“Not Goodwill.” Rosie said quickly, sitting up in her seat. Harry raised an eyebrow. “N-not secondhand.”

“Rosie. I can’t exactly walk into a mall or a JC Penny’s. I’m a wanted criminal. Or did you forget that again?” she did actually. It was so hard for her to actually picture all the things Harry could have done. “What’s wrong with Goodwill?” he asked. 

“Germs…..They don’t wash the clothes before the put them out.” Harry pursed his lips, his nostrils flaring as he made a huffing noise. Rosie felt like such a burden. “I’m sorry.” she grumbled. 

“Would you stop fucking apologizing.” Harry snapped. He ran his fingers through his hair, she could tell he was annoyed, but he would listen to her. He didn’t like her panic attacks and she couldn’t blame him for that. “I can’t really afford much else at the moment...We only got about another day’s drive….Would you be okay wearing something of mine? At least for a little while. If the hotel has a guest laundry room, we’ll just wash your clothes there. But I’m exhausted and I don’t have money for brand new clothes and a hotel. So pick your poison.” 

“H-Hotel.” Rosie said. She watched Harry’s shoulders visibly drop in relief. His dark circles were worse and he looked like he hadn’t shaved in weeks. 

“Good.”

“Two doubles or a king?” the front desk clerk winked at Harry. Rosie felt herself blush. Of course she wouldn’t be the only person to think he was handsome. Harry leaned forward, his face level with the clerk’s chest. Rosie wanted to gag at the sight. How obvious could you get?

“Which is cheaper?” he asked, in a low, seductive voice. Rosie felt it in the pit of her stomach, and she knew the clerk did too when her breath hitched. 

“D-doubles.” she said. Harry stood straight up, flashing that beautiful grin at the girl. If only she knew who she was talking too. What would she do then?

“Doubles it is then. You ready?” he asked, turning to Rosie. She nodded, taking the key card Harry handed to her. 

“I hope you and your girlfriend enjoy your stay.” Harry turned around, and winked at the clerk. 

“Thanks.”

The shower was amazing. Rosie felt relief flood her as all the dirt and grime fell from her body. She would be pure again. Whole again. Harry had crashed the second the door closed, flopping down on one of the beds, and not even bothering to take his shoes off. Rosie had inspected the room, went to the front desk and asked for cleaning supplies, and though the girl gave her a funny look, she got them. She spent the first few hours meticulously cleaning the room, everywhere but where Harry lie. She didn’t want to disturb him. She was already enough of a burden. 

Rosie stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself and tip toed out of the bathroom. Harry still snored peacefully unaware of the naked girl. She grabbed one of his over sized shirts and a pair of basketball shorts, before heading back into the bathroom. She climbed into bed. Falling into a blissful sleep as soon as she hit the pillow. 

 

She woke up to eyes on her. Panic welled up in her chest. She didn’t recognize where she was. It was a dark room, not her room though, it felt too big to be that, but as her eyes adjust to the darkness, she feels someone staring at her. Rosie realized she had been lying on her stomach, with her legs tucked under her, ass propped in the air. It was a weird position, but comfortable to her. She had woken up like that many times before. But what she was feeling now, she’d nevr felt. Someone watching her, with hungry eyes. 

Harry sits on the edge of his bed. His hair is a mess, his clothes are wrinkled, but he sits like a statue, unmoving, eyes on her and lips parted. She can hear his shallow breathing. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked. Her voice is rough, filled with sleep. Harry doesn’t say a word. He stood, and left the room, shutting the door firmly behind him. Rosie shrugged her shoulders, stretched out, and fell back into a more fitful sleep.

[laveritaswoman]

And the Award for Best Fake Offscreen Ship Between Two Co-Stars Goes to ...

Well ladies and gentlemen, the last four years have been a long, crazy adventure for SC shippers in the OL fandom. But on January 22, 2018, our shipper boat took a direct hit courtesy of a barely noticeable news brief in People magazine: OL’s leading lady CB “confirmed at the GGs” that she and “fellow Irishman” (*cough, cough*) TM are engaged and CB is “very happy!”  Very.  Happy.  And just so everyone (read: shippers) is clear on the timing, “she was first seen with (T) in 2015.” So I guess that’s supposed to mean they’ve been dating since 2015, right? But we have to guess at that because C hasn’t spoken to any other media outlet about T or her engagement, and has yet to post anything about it on her social media. She didn’t even mention it during on-air GG red carpet interviews on the very night she shared the news with People (apparently because People had the “exclusive”). Instead of talking about her pretty big life event (at least for most people) when she was asked “so what’s new,” she spent her on-camera time speaking about sending S home and the Time’s Up “blackout,” all while hiding her engagement ring from view. 

Hey, SamCait shipper sisters, how did we miss this? So C has really been with T for the last 2+ years and not with S? But, but, just … how? Well, “obviously” we weren’t paying attention! Oh wait, we were paying attention, but we thought SC were together — even though they denied a relationship — because their actions rarely matched their words. That and the fact that we noticed that C and S never really showed any interest in or paid any attention to their SO adjacents. So why were shippers, journos and many others led to the believe that SC were a couple, despite their words to the contrary? Well, ACTING, obviously. S and C are actors, you know, and pretty good ones at that. So what do I, as a shipper (or former, IDK) think about all this? If this CT engagement is TRUTH and S and C never had a relationship IRL or aren’t covering up one now, then SC deserve ALL the acting awards for making us think they were together offscreen as well as on. S and C truly and completely convinced me and thousands of others (yes, thousands ... just check @jamesandclairefraser followers) that they were SOs offscreen too. But why, if they are such stellar actors, didn’t they just play the part of “great offscreen friends and co-stars,” instead of showing so much sizzling, sexually-charged chemistry offscreen that many were convinced they were together IRL? Especially if they really, really wanted us to believe they were not together. Why was C able to play the offscreen good friends co-star part so convincingly with Tobias, but unable to do the same with S? We know Ron Moore would have probably approved of SC toning it down, because he did his level best to make the show about a “love triangle, not a JC love story. Why didn’t the show staff or their agents tell them to take it down a notch, that fans would still love them and TPTB would still approve of a “friendly friends co-stars” act as long as the high ratings and money continued pouring in?

And what about the other actors on the show? Surely, in countless interviews after the IFH, don’t you think Tobias — another great actor — would have observed SC sitting “no room for jaysus” close, grooming each other, making crazy flirty eye contact and little mouth pouts at one another, all the while telling reporters “we’re not together ... just great acting ... sorry fans can’t separate us from our characters.” Don’t you think that after at least one of these interviews, that Tobias -- a cool, forthright guy who S and C highly respect for his acting chops -- would have pulled them aside and said, “Hey guys, nice interview and you both showed great chemistry and the audience/interviewer loved you, but you may want to tone it down since some people are still convinced you two are together when you’re ‘obviously’ not.” I don’t think if Tobias said this to S and C that they would have said “Oh Tobias, you’re full of shit because we’re not misleading anyone. If our fans can’t see that our sexed-up off-screen antics are just an act, then they’re just crazy and delusional!” Why did joking jokers like Steven Cree and Richard Rankin just politely listen, smile, and not make one sarcastic remark on-air when SC launched into their loved-up innuendo at panels and Cons? Don’t you think a no-shit guy like Cree would have jokingly called them out during the interviews (or in tweets afterwards) by saying something like, “Since were talking awards season, I nominate S and C for the MTV Fandom Award for Best Fake Offscreen Ship Between Two Co-Stars.” If jokes like these had been peppered throughout interviews fairly regularly, it would have gone a long way toward getting people off the ship and preventing new ones from boarding. 

And why, even when she acted onscreen post-IFH with S and C, would Rosie Day tweet C this birthday greeting on C’s PUBLIC Twitter account in 2016: “@caitrionambalfe HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope you have the loveliest day … And @SamHeughan treats you like the queen you are” (followed by 11 interesting, some might even say, “suggestive of a relationship” emojis, including a heart, champagne and wine -- things you might have on a date, for instance)? Couldn’t Rosie have tweeted instead “Hope everyone on set treats you like the queen you are”? or “Hope #TonyMcGill treats you like the queen you are” (followed by suggestive emojis)? WHY did Rosie have to make C’s bday best wishes about S? And then C responded:  “Thank you honey xxx.” If C didn’t want delusional fans to get the wrong message, she should have tweeted Rosie back: “Thank you honey. My civilian SO and I have great plans for this evening.” That would have shut down all the shipper celebrations that ensued shortly after that tweetfest and still allowed C “privacy.” And they continued crossing the line into sexual innuendo, whistling and checking out each other’s “assets,” as well as knowing too much about each other’s personal habits (4 a.m. workout … no) and identical interests and likes (sancerre, Netflix and chill, banoffee pie). 

Come on, SC (or at least “Captain S”) had to know they were pushing things too far when shippers were shipping and tweeting them like crazy and every article was about their “amazing chemistry” and asking whether it was acting or for real. Again I ask, WHY DIDN”T ANYONE TELL THEM THEY WERE TAKING THE CHEMISTRY THING TOO FAR AND MAKING PEOPLE THINK THEY WERE TOGETHER IRL? And if people did warn them about this — hell, someone must have — why didn’t SC listen for years and years?  Oh, that’s right, anyone who would think they were together offscreen must just be crazy and delusional! No one with two wits about them could possibly be getting mixed messages ... and SC ALREADY told everyone in a joint interview in early 2016 that they weren’t together. 

And still, the innuendo went on and on. S saw no reason why he shouldn’t whistle at C’s butt on the T2 red carpet. And C didn’t see why she shouldn’t compare her co-star’s genitals to a beer bottle, or a shrimp. And they could call each other “hubby” and “wifey” in tweets. And why would SC fans ever think the cute little emoji’s in their tweets were flirty little sexual innuendos? Come on, S and C just liked to make their tweets more colorful-looking and interesting by adding eggplants, blowfish, shrimp, peaches, umbrellas and cake — no one should have read anything more into it. And don’t all female co-stars simulate checking their male co-star’s “balls” and post it on social media ... trying to drum up fan support for a fave charity? And god, no, why would anyone ever think that feeling up your co-star’s breasts during photo shoots (repeatedly), telling the world you don’t wear modesty patches while simulating sex, being captured for perpetuity in S1 of OL moaning your co-star’s real name, and tweeting whilst sitting in bed together might be inappropriate ... if you’re not in an actual relationship with one another? Apparently, S and C’s real SOs were totally chill all these years with their sexually-oriented offscreen antics, so why weren’t fans similarly chill? And because they said they were “obviously” not together and just bff co-stars, they saw no reason that they couldn’t publicly stroke, whistle, grab breasts and tweet each other in a variety of sexual ways (and oddly, no one accused them of sexually harassing each other and neither did they). Why would anyone misinterpret their actions and ship them together? But some of us did. 

So, in what “may” be the conclusion of a 4-year roller coaster ride for a shipperdom filled with elation, creative brilliance, forged friendships, disbelief, battles with anti’s and trolls, “delusion,” anger, and gaslighting, here is what may well be the final honor shippers and ex-shippers alike bestow upon SC: “Best Fake Offscreen Ship Between Two Co-stars.” Indeed.

[jhelenoftrek]

Relaunch Universe. Taking into account their conversations from Architects of Infinity, what does your JC "happily ever after" look like. Since her time hanging out with Gretchen in Indiana after returning from the continuum, I cant get the vision of KJ mucking about in the dirt, living a (somewhat) simpler life, and what the crew might think, seeing her/him/them together in that light. Additionally, how would it change the JC dynamic to finally be together fully out of the command experience?

Note: Minimal spoilers for ‘Architects ofInfinity’ here as well as ‘Eternal Tide’.

Ooh.  Okay. I’ve been sitting on this question a few days, thinking this through,cause it’s a great question.  Before I forget, thanks @sunkistlynnki for the ask!!  I never just get stuff out of the blue, but I certainly welcome it.

I think, A of I conversation or not, my “happilyever after” has always been the same.  I’mvery much in agreement with K. Beyer when it comes to their level of commitmentand how that should be portrayed.

I love that vision of KJreturning to some roots, physically and metaphorically.  Wouldn’t it be lovely to see her justplanting flowers and petting dogs and eating Chakotay’s cooking everynight?  That’s what she deserves,right?  But would she really behappy?  Eh… maybe for a littlewhile?  But this is the woman that tamedthe Borg!  She not only survived the DQ, shegot her crew home in 7 years, instead of 70. She explored all that shit and metall those lovely new alien people and LEARNED so much… she craves thatadventure and science and now, POWER that comes with being an Admiral – she mightnot admit it, but she’s high on those little admiral bars on her collar.  I’m sorry, but all of that drive and hard-earnedaccomplishments aren’t going to fall away because she’s got him in her bed.  We get a glimpse of how stir-crazy she is in “Night”with very little to do, I think after a while on the farm she’d be just as stircrazy and trapped again, and they both know it.

Him, on the other hand,he’s given up Starfleet how many times now? I think he’d honestly jump at the chance to be done with duty.  I know what he says in Eternal Tide about howimportant it is to keep exploring the DQ to protect the AQ/BQ and how it’s worthall their deaths to do so, but if Full Circle Fleet is recalled, I think he’dgive it up in a heartbeat. (Just like Beyer wrote in A of I).

I guess, I see themmeeting somewhere in that boring, realistic middle ground.  KJ as basically a desk Admiral – maybe ateaching one, or an advisor of some kind that lets her leave to negotiate blahbity-blahfrom time to time.  And Chakotay as anadjunct professor, instructor, occasional-shuttle-crasher, ‘oh-shit-we’re-short-on-Captains-can-you-do-this-mission-guy’.  If he does end up a professor, please dearSpirits don’t let him teach archeology.  Givethe man a Tactical class, ffs.  But atnight and on weekends they both find themselves transporting home to the familyfarm or some little cabin in the middle of nowhere and having amazing sex and tendingto the tomatoes until Monday.

Once they’ve finally hadenough, or if they get pushed out by the next generation in like 15-20 years,they’d probably retire fully and just travel around, but danger and intriguewould always follow them.  KJ is a magnetfor it, especially when she’s not looking.

I think the crew – especiallythe original Voyager crew – would bevery happy for them in whatever capacity they show their love.  I envision scuttlebutt to be like we see inmost fics “thank goodness it’s about fricking time”.  But, there’d be those who would be concerned,especially the officers that don’t know them as well.  Because for the time that they’re still bothin command, I’m sorry but that’s a HUGE conflict of interest.  It makes ME uncomfortable and I’m not on oneof those ships. We’ve spent 7 seasons hearing about how it’s not appropriate tohave ‘that kind’ of relationship due to the high-possibility of tough decisionsand BAM.  Here we are.  After how we (the audience and his closefriends) know how deeply and devastatingly he feels for her and vice-versa, areeither one of them gonna make that tough call? Yeah… probably will.  But it’sgonna suck nuts.  People are going to gethurt, no doubt.

Ok, the final part ofthe question.  How would settling downaffect the JC dynamic.  GREATLY.  And yet, not much. (are you sick of me yet?)  Let’s face it, these two have only ever really knowneach other in the command setting - him under her, him as advisor but herwith the final say.  That’d be a tough dynamic to get out of.  BUT also, Beyer hasdone a wonderful job of making them equals in their personal relationship – certainlynot without continual reminder and work as it should be.  Like Tom and B’Elanna, they keep clawingtowards the middle, one making up for the other and just always drawing theother back in.  (spoiler alert from this marriedlady, that’s love, folks.  That’s howreal relationships succeed, it’s fucking work).

It’d be a choppy year, Ithink, when she hangs up the uniform completely.  They’d have to compromise a lot and try prettyhard to find a new normal.  She’d be atad restless, he’d be too calm and it’d get under her skin.  She’d prod at him just a bit and he’d take ituntil he shouldn’t anymore.  They would,for sure, succeed. KJ doesn’t fail and certainly not at this.  But eeeeevery once in a while Chakotay’s gonnahave to be like “Kathryn, you can’t pull rank on me anymore,” just to kinda reestablishthat there is no pecking order.

Then she’d bat hereyelashes at him and sidle up to him and run her fingers through his hair andbe like, “But Chakotay, I really want Chinese for dinner.”

Eggrolls would be on thetable by 1800.

[esandcasg]

Chapter One - A Solitude Broken

The sound of a motorbike engine starting up outside the hut startled me. I had been dozing, half-asleep, listening to the wind and the sound of the cedallas, the loud insects that populated the jungle nearby. It had been a still night when I finally went to sleep, but the sound of the wind had woken me. It was such a rarity in this still, calm place, that I lay silently, listening to it rustle across the roof of the hut, taken in by the novelty of it.

I looked across at the watch next to my bed. It was close to three in the morning. I pushed the sheet off my bed and sat for a moment at the edge of the mattress. The mosquito net draped down across me, and I stared without focus at the mesh in front of my eyes.

The sound of the motorbike receded into the night. I edged out from underneath the net, my eyes adjusting to the dark. Four short steps took me to the door of my home; I swung it open and looked outside.

A cloudy sky hung over the village. The wind gusted a little, making me shiver. I reached back inside and grabbed a pullover which I’d left on a chair. Putting it on, I stepped outside into the night. Ahead of me, the jungle spread out across the horizon, a solitary road cutting through it, the only artery feeding the village, with its cluster of wooden huts. Each hut was pretty basic; two rooms, a bedroom and a bathroom, with a small veranda outside. The walls were wood poles tied together with banana leaves; the roof poles overlaid with leaves. They were simple yet sufficient; sturdy enough to withstand tropical storms; cool enough to provide refuge from the heat and humidity. My own hut, which stood a little away from the six others in the village, had been my home for the last three years.

I walked slowly out onto the decking which formed the veranda, where I’d placed a small wooden rocking chair which I’d built two years previously. I sat there now, thinking. There was a tranquillity to life here in the village, but I knew it was an artificial one. Somewhere, not all that far away, was the world I’d left; a world I was afraid I would have to re-enter at some point.

As there was only one way in or out of the village, the motorbike must have belonged to one of the villagers. That in itself wasn’t strange, motorbikes were pretty much the only way in or out, unless you fancied a spine-breaking cycle ride along the pockmarked track, or a three hour walk. Heading out at three in the morning was a bit odd, however.

I was awake enough to know that I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep now, so I headed back inside and loaded up my coffee machine; watching the locally roasted beans grinding down softly, listening to the soft gurgle of water filtering through the grounds, wincing at the loudness of the steam punching through the milk, smiling involuntarily at the splash of the pumpkin spice syrup. After sprinkling on some cinnamon power, I reached for the TV remote, put on CNN and stepped back outside with my latte.

Despite the wind, the tranquillity of the village life was undeniable. I had never known simplicity like it, even in my mountaineering days, camped high on some peak with just the gear in my tent and a snow melter, the only person on a remote mountain in the middle of the Terra Del Firma. Even then I had all my gear; down suit, goggles, ice axes, willow wands, double boots (plastic outer, foam-lined inner) that insulated me both physically and mentally against the environment. I was not living some mountain life, I was transient, passing through. Although I always found a piece of mind on the high slopes and ice fields, I knew that I was not staying, that this was not and never could be my home.

I had tried to make a life in the mountains.

The long trek back to Lhasa ten years ago, walking along the Godwin-Antwi glacier, through the Vale of Caldor and the Pass of Caradhras, had given me time to think. Time to process all that had happened on Kangleong, but also to consider what my life would be. Something had changed in me during that time on the mountain. Beforehand I had been an ambitious, free-spirited rock and ice climber, used to dicey pitches on exposed granite, not afraid of leads up to 5.16B; happy to front point up a frozen waterfall like Bridaveil or Victoria Falls. I had next to no experience on high peaks, and little experience climbing at altitude. I certainly had never spent any length of time on a mountain in one go; I enjoyed fast and light ascents of rock walls such as the Eiger Nordwand and the North Face of Berghaus.

Kangleong had been my first real expedition; my first time in the death zone. My first prolonged period at altitude, suffering the debilitating effects of oxygen deprivation. The first real time where things had gone wrong.

And things had gone wrong. Badly wrong.

Truth be told, I’d barely made it off the mountain alive. An ankle badly broken, storms which battered the slopes, avalanches, serac falls. Not to mention the deaths of the entire Korean team, as well as several climbers we knew. All in all, sixty-eight people had gone to climb Kangleong and not returned home, their names punched into metal plates which now hung from the Art Gilkey memorial, a stone cairn near base camp.

Two names on the memorial I had punched in myself: Adam Ewart and Ifan Thorne. Their names hung there still. For a while I thought they had died, until I discovered the truth; that they were not the people I thought they were, that they had hidden their real purpose on Kangleong, and that I was now bound to their deception whether I liked it or not.

I had plenty of time to think on the way home; on the trek, on the flight to Islamabad, on the last leg of them all, the flight to London. To consider the story that I would tell and what sort of life I wanted to live next.

It turned out I would have little choice in that matter.

Kangleong may have been a remote peak in the Karakoram, far from the glamour of Everest, K2 or Cirith Gorgor, but the disaster on the mountain had made the news across the world. To have been, in essence, the sole western survivor brought incredible scrutiny on me. Endless questions as to what happened; meetings in the Korean embassy; press stalking me at home; the pressure was unbearable. I tried to retreat to the thing I knew best: climbing.

Unfortunately I had reckoned without the reaction of the climbing community, colleagues I had known and respected for years, who had accompanied me on numerous climbs.

It started with an innocuous column in Outside magazine, authored by Joe Simpson, who claimed that my account of what had happened bore remarkable similarity to Touching the Void, No Way Down, Dark Summit and Into Thin Air. Furthermore, he asserted that I should have done more to rescue Adam and Ifan, rather than going on about my broken foot, an injury he described as ‘commonplace in the mountains’. Whilst a single article might have been easy to dismiss, a groundswell of opinion was forming which disputed that we’d even summited Kangleong at all. Although we’d all taken pictures, I hadn’t realised that my Instagram page had been suspended in the days prior, and as a result the photos did not upload. I therefore had little to show for the months I spent on the mountain, and all the deaths I had witnessed.

The interest in me grew; the clients I’d booked on my first expedition under the banner of my new company, Mountain Stupidity (admittedly poorly named), dropped out, one by one. At the same time, high-profile climbers were lining up to criticise me. Adrian Ballinger, Simone Moro, Lewis Hamilton, Carla Perez, they had all been asked to give their views and each condemned me. Although I tried to ignore their comments, it had begun to take a toll on me mentally and physically. However, it was a subsequent interview that struck the final, conclusive hammer blow.

“I don’t like sitting in judgement of other mountaineers. Everyone has their own margin of safety, their own level of acceptable risk. Throughout my career I’ve refrained from commenting on others’ decisions. Just because I might not do the same thing, doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. Veikka and I turned back from a slope I considered too avalanche-prone on Annapurna in 2002. JC Lafaille climbed through the slope and made the summit. Different climbers make different decisions. However, in the case of the so-called ‘disaster’ on Kangleong, it’s pretty clear to me that rudimentary mistakes were made. Why were they so reliant on fixed ropes? Why didn’t they place enough willow wands? And it comes down squarely on Casey’s shoulders. You have a responsibility to yourself and to your climbing companions. After all, getting to the top is optional; getting down…”

I had stopped reading there. Ed Viesturs’ damning judgement fell over me like a thundercloud. I knew then that I could no longer expect to make a career from climbing. My sponsors Mountain Equipment, La Sportiva and Active Recovery no longer were interested in continuing our relationship. I packed up my things, sold my house and left the country I had called home and the life that was all I knew.

I travelled for three years; picking up odd jobs here and there, trying to find a purpose for myself. Nothing seemed to stick. Washed up and despairing, I found myself back in the Pink Flamingo in Kathmandu.

Nothing had changed since I’d been there five years previously. Aimless and without ideas, I found a secluded corner, ordered a bottle of Harbour Reef and sat down. The bar was pretty empty; the only patrons a few hard-core climbers from Eastern Europe, trying winter ascents of Himalayan peaks. I heard one of them mention Death Mountain, not too far from Goron City. This was one of the peaks Adam had climbed early on in his career. I wondered now whether that was true, or part of his deception.

For hours I drank slowly and in solitude. I felt I had reached the end of the road. Maybe I could pick up some work here; maybe I could just find a quiet corner of the city and live out my days here. I sank further into the beer. The bar began to blur. I remember someone trying to help me stand up, staggering forward, and then darkness.

I woke to the sound of a fan spinning above me. My head felt like it had been split open. I struggled to focus on anything in the room I was lying in; I was on a mattress on a concrete floor; apart from this and the fan there was nothing else in the room.

I didn’t know how long I’d been lying there for. Moving was agony. I tried to sit up but couldn’t make even that small effort. Defeated, I sank back down into the mattress and stared at the fan, its rotations syncing with the thumping in my head.

Some time later I heard the door open. I felt, rather than saw, people come in. One of them placed a jug of something and a mug on the floor next to me, then left the room. The other just stood in a corner.

“It’s tea,” the person said, in a voice I recognised. ��Drink. It will help.”

With what seemed like a gargantuan effort, I rolled to one side and managed to drink from the mug. Warm liquid flushed through my body. I placed the mug back down and lay breathless on my side.

“Just relax for a moment,” the person said. “You’re free of the alcohol”.

I touched my face with my hand and moaned.

“Shhh,” said the person. “You have hibernation sickness. Or a hangover.”

“I can’t see”, I said.

“Your eyesight will return in time.”

“Where I am?”

“My house.”

“Who are you?”

“Someone who loves you.”

“Pasang?” I said, incredulously.

There was a soft laugh as the person stepped forward and crouched down next to the mattress. His face came into focus.

“Pasang!”

Pasang Sherpa. The lead climbing Sherpa from our expedition to Kathmandu. I don’t know how many times I had spoken his name in the telling of the story on the mountain. His dramatic individual rescues of Adam, Ifan and myself were legendary. The fact that he’d set my broken ankle with rudimentary surgery involving willow wands and three pitons defied belief. But he was the reason I could walk. Pasang had organised all our logistics, accompanied us throughout the entire trip, and stayed with me whilst the avalanche took – or so I thought – Adam and Ifan off the slopes. I couldn’t have imagined the whole thing without him.

He’d left me at Base Camp, dealing with the rest of the four hundred Sherpa that had supported our climb; I’d assumed I wouldn’t see him again. But here he was.

For the next two years I stayed at Pasang’s house whilst he nursed me back to health. After fourteen Iboga treatments and several colonics I felt fit and ready to live my life. It was Pasang who made me believe in myself again; made me realise that there was still a place for me in the world.

I started climbing again; Pasang’s extensive network of Sherpa guaranteed that I would have a partner on the slopes. I deliberately sought out remote peaks where I would be sure we would have the mountain to ourselves. First I climbed the Diamir Face of Ouanoukrim with Lobsang Sherpa, a feat we managed in a single thirteen hour push. Sadly on the descent, Lobsang was hit by rockfall. I lowered his body into a crevasse.

Then I moved across to Mount Toubkal, a little known peak in the Andes, with Little Tenzing Sherpa. Although we made it to 34000 ft, we were caught in a storm for fifteen days and were forced to retreat, but not before Little Tenzing succumbed to HAPE. I lowered his body into a crevasse.

I pioneered the first ascent of Greenland’s highest peak, Crib Goch, moving fast and light up the heavily corniced ridge with Nirmal Sherpa. It was on the ridge, coming back down, that Nirmal fell 15000ft down a knife-edge slope. Although I managed to halt his slide with the rope that held us together, Nirmal bruised his spine. I lowered his body into a crevasse.

After these expeditions, Pasang informed me that three houses in a remote village had become available; the village was home to a community of climbing Sherpa. Although I had been happy living at Pasang’s house, in truth things had become frayed between us, due in part to my insistence of pointing out abandoned railway lines. The timing therefore was opportune. It was time for me to commit to my new life, living amongst the only people who had truly ever accepted me for who I was.

I chose one of the vacant huts and moved my meagre possessions in. It would be a simple existence; no electricity, no running water. I would be completely cut off from the modern world but I believed that was what I needed. And for the next three years I lived in happy, tranquil solitude, far from the trappings of modern life.

And now I sat on my veranda, drinking the last of my pumpkin spice latte, unaware that my peaceful life would be shattered in a way that I would never had imagined.

I put my mug down and closed my eyes, listening to the sounds of the village. Then something else caught my attention. A snippet of a phrase coming from the TV. Slowly, I eased myself back off the chair and wandered back into my hut, where CNN was showing on the TV.

“We’re getting reports of a large earthquake in the Karakoram region of the Himalaya, a region containing some of the world’s highest mountains, such as K2, Broad Peak and Kangleong. At present it is unclear what destruction, if any, the earthquake has caused.”

An earthquake, in the Karakoram?

It didn’t make sense. Of all the regions in the world, the Karakoram mountains were the last place I expected an earthquake. The unique geology of that region, with large, pyramid-like peaks anchored deep into the earth, made it famously stable and secure. In all of recorded history there had been no record of any earthquake there. It was unheard of.

I stared blankly at the screen, unable to process the news. The story might have seemed innocuous to most of CNN’s viewers but it had left me dumbfounded. My close ties to the Karakoram made it so. What could have happened there?

Shaking, I moved back to the coffee machine. As the beans were grinding I poured myself a glass of water from the mixer tap I’d recently had installed and downed it, followed by another. It was as if my past were returning to haunt me. I placed my mug down on the table and it fell to the floor, shattering like glass. I swore, crouching down with the dustpan and brush to sweep it all up. As I did, I stopped. I was aware of something different about the room, something foreign in there. I placed down the dustpan and brush, slowly stood and turned round.

Standing at the doorway to my hut was Adam.

“Hello mate,” he said.

[josephconnersblog-blog]

7 Days into 2018

Well here we go, entry number 2. We are officially seven days into 2018, and I feel like now things are about to get started again for myself, after the Xmas Break and New Year celebrations. This week was a lot of the first of 2018 in some ways. First ‘Wrestling Drills Class’ of 2018, for those who have no idea what I am talking about. Some time ago now, I started running a wrestling class, that really focuses on the in ring cardio portion of wrestling. Even if you haven’t wrestled in a wrestling ring, anyone who watches wrestling, will realise like any sport that it requires a lot of stamina & agility. Myself and guys like Gabriel Kidd, Alex Gracie, LJ Heron, Visage, Garrett Bond among others, began to really push ourselves in this area, focusing on drills that we’d seen used in WWE try outs or the NXT Performance centre, along with HIIT Cardio workouts such as card workouts.  Towards the end of 2015 I started to become quite close with another UK wrestler on the scene, after admiring his promo ability, I got the chance to wrestle him one on one, this being ‘Savy Sid Scala’. Before I move on, I will also add that I think in terms of gimmicks on the independent scene Sid Scala is one of the top ones around, plus in terms of dedication and thinking about his craft once again Sid tops the charts in those areas. The reason I bring my friendship up with Sid, Is he became interested in taking part in these ‘Drills Classes’. He started to make the bus journey from London every week, just so he could do these classes with us. From there, I think this inspired other wrestlers from other parts of the country to start coming down. It’s really built a close group and friendship between a group of guys who may not have had the opportunity to spend as much time as we do together now. Names like Amir Jordan & David Graves for example travelling from Leeds, both who in my opinion are all ready in the process of having break out years for themselves in 2018. Both incredibly dedicated and skilled and have a lot to offer, which a lot of people are finding out currently. Then Saxon Huxley, who I met at a local show a couple of years ago. The first time I met him, I liked the way he carried himself and knew he was someone I could get on with. From being around each other from the WWE UK stuff, I can very easily say Saxon has become one of my best friends. Such a top gent, he loves professional wrestling and works bloody hard at it, and deserves all the success that will come his way. The reason I bring the background of this class up, for anyone reading this, is that this kind of stuff showcases what can be great about pro wrestling. Putting together a group of guys, different ages, different experience levels, different backgrounds but all who are dedicated and want to push each other to help them succeed. This Tuesdays class saw myself, Gabriel Kidd, David Graves, Amir Jordan, Visage, JC Thunder (Great Guy, Hard Worker) & some new faces Kip Sabian (Another guy that I’ve really enjoyed getting to know), Joe Nelson (One To Watch For Sure), Miles. Putting in a good start to the first class, looking forward to pushing myself along side these guys and others for the rest of the year.

Wow, I’ve just looked back and realised there’s a lot of paragraphs dedicated to one topic. Not sure if that’s a good or bad things. I will let you decide. Also as I finished my first blog entry, I mentioned I was going to take my Elevation class that evening in Leicestershire. That was fun, to see a lot of the guys for the first time this year, everyone worked hard and we kicked things off well. Once again, another thing I’m looking forward to this year, is seeing the Elevation students continue to grow as performers and seeing where this year takes them.

There seems to be a class/seminar theme to this blog. So I’ll end on talking about today (Sunday Jan 7th). My first wrestling gig of the year, I was asked by ‘Falling Star Wrestling’ based in Kings Lynn to come down and take a seminar for them. I will also add, by no means, do I think I know it all, when it comes to professional wrestling. That’s why I still continually train and try and attend seminars with professionals such as Marty Jones, Dave Taylor, Johnny Saint, Ricky Steamboat, Rockstar Spud among others over recent years. What I can do, when I’m asked to come down and help out at a school, is try and pass down knowledge that has been given to me. I can also try and help people not make the mistakes that I did. Don’t get me wrong, we all make mistakes inside and outside of professional wrestling, it’s apart of life. Though having some experience in a field, allows you to try and help people from not making the ones you have made. I try and stress whenever I give my opinion on something, that, that is all it is an opinion and my opinion alone. That doesn’t make it right or wrong, whether you take the advice or not, is down to the person. As for anybody reading this blog, I could ask you all “Who are your favourite professional wrestlers?” or “What is your favourite movie of all time?” I’d bet money, that we would all have different answers to those questions. That’s why I lot of us love wrestling in the first place, is the fact that it is subjective. We don’t all have to like the same thing, because there is enough variety, that there will be something or someone that we do like. So I can’t hate someone for example for not liking me, it’s there opinion, there entitled just as I am to mine.

In regards to the class I was very impressed with the students who took part. They listened to what I had to say, they implemented a lot of the advice that I gave them, and as the class went on, in the small window of time we had together, I noticed improvements. There was definitely some faces in there, that I’d be be very interested to see where things take them in the future. I don’t want to leave out any names. The two females in the class I though had unique looks and did fantastic, one being Ashleigh who did a great job of portraying her character without me ever seeing it before. There was a young man there named Jack who I would later find out, is only 13 Years Old!!! Who was very impressive, reminded me a lot of Joe Nelson in the sense, that he seemed wise above his years, especially for someone so young. There was plenty of others who stood out, Falling Star definitely have some good young up and coming talent, and truly was a pleasure to be apart of their academy today. Thankyou for having me guys. (Photo From Todays Class At Bottom Of This Post) Well I think I will close it on that. Tomorrow I start the first workout of a new 6 week workout plan, that my good friend and fellow WWE UK Star Tucker has given to me. Wish me luck, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this, if not, sod you ;). Until next time. P.S Thankyou to Shaun & Pat for their company today, especially to Shaun for driving. Top Gent

[dippedanddripped]

Jack Carlson’s background is in rowing (he was so good he was on the US national team), but he’s found a new calling in gear. The self-described “streetwear omnivore” built a brand mixing the worlds of preppy style with youthful sportswear, offering everything from hardy, colorful rugby shirts to patchwork Barbour collabs and cheeky send-ups of finance bro style.

This all is represented best at the Rowing Blazers flagship store in SoHo, which has been closed due to Covid-19. But now Carlson is using his brand as a platform not just to combat coronavirus through making masks from leftover fabric, but also a way to stand up against racism and acknowledge the influence Black culture has had on taking prep style to a whole new level.

The following interview has been edited and condensed.

Jian DeLeon: How has Rowing Blazers been affected by Covid-19?

Jack Carlson: It’s been a whirlwind few months. COVID-19 obviously affected us in a major way. We have one store, and it’s a pretty key part of our business. We had to close it very early on,  but right away we wanted to do something to give back. I wanted to make masks from the beginning, but it’s a little complicated. Unlike some of the designers that immediately were like: “We’re going to make masks,” we don’t own our own factories. But thankfully, we were able to get some of the manufacturers that we work with back into the Garment District and start making masks.  We’ve donated thousands of masks to a food bank. The masks we’re making are made out of leftover scraps of suit and blazer fabrics. It’s because we’re getting to use these leftovers scraps of fabric.

JD: Now the focus is on two diseases: Covid-19 and racism. You’ve also become more vocal about the Black Lives Matter movement.

JC: It’s more than little awkward for me to speak about any of this as a white guy. I don’t know if you saw the photo that Highsnob asked me to send over for this, but to use a Vampire Weekend quote, I look unbearably white.

JD: Well, the fact of the matter is you’re exactly the type of person that should be talking about this. But also with Rowing Blazers and preppy style, there are ways it’s been subverted in street culture and Black culture.

JC: One of the coolest things that was a sub-movement of the #menswear days was Black Ivy.

JD: Right, that Street Etiquette editorial.

JC: Exactly! There were so many great people that were involved in that. Street Etiquette, Brooklyn Circus, Fred. Castleberry with those great photos. It was a little bit of an influence on what we’re doing too.

JD: One of the other big influences for prep style is The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Carlton Banks of course being. the traditionalist, but there’s that memorable scene where Will flips his school blazer inside-out to show off the paisley. I feel like that’s what you want to channel, taking the stuffiness out of the uniform.

JC:  Oh dude, you already know Fresh Prince is a huge influence on me. Black culture has been a huge influence on me in many ways. I think people can look at Rowing Blazers and if they just hear the name, if they’re not that familiar with the brand and what we do, they might be like: “Oh, this is like the whitest brand ever.” In some ways, it’s not really for me to even respond to that, because who am I to say anything about it? I am the creative director of the brand; I am a white guy. All I can really say is how much Black culture and Black icons really have impacted me and are a huge inspiration and influence to me.

JD: In what ways are you challenging yourself to give back to that community?  You’ve given a platform to Black-owned brands like Death to Tennis and Saint Ivory.

JC: The Black community is a super important integral part of the Rowing Blazers brand. Hopefully anybody who’s ever been to one of our events sees that and understands that. Obviously I come from a background in the sport of rowing — which is a very not diverse sport.

JD: That informed the Noah collaboration right? It benefited an organization helping make the sport more inclusive.

JC:  The Noah collab that we did benefited an amazing organization called ROW New York, which among other things, is really helping to make the sport a lot more diverse. It’s an organization I’m still very involved with and they’re doing great things.

JD: What other ways are you looking at how your brand and how you as an individual can help push this message of social justice forward in 2020 and beyond?

JC: We did what’s a very minor thing in the grand scheme of things, but we decided we wanted to donate a hundred percent of our proceeds from over the weekend to the NAACP. But it’s definitely a good opportunity for us to think more about some of those efforts that we’re doing to work with Black artists, to engage with the Black community, and to do more internally in our own sort of company culture. We’re a small company; we’re not some big corporation or anything, but we want to have more black voices within our company and in positions of leadership. So that’s a goal of mine for this coming year as well.

I think we are a diverse group, but we can always be doing more. Right now the vibe is not about me; it’s not about Rowing Blazers; it’s not about fashion in general. It’s not about any of that. It’s really about bringing  serious social change in this country. It’s a good time for me to get a little more involved politically, take action, and put my money where my mouth is. So that’s where my head is at right now.

[letscuttothefeeling]

season three episode five

How much allegiance does your hairdresser owe you? Most people form a pretty tight bond with the person cutting their hair. Not only do you entrust your hairdresser with your appearance and whatever gossip you share while getting your head massaged – you also trust them not to murder you even though they could easily slit your throat with scissors!! I know you’re pondering that ethical dilemma, but dropetté because it’s time to cut to the feeling!

 Okay, we’re starting off with Amanda and Chloe at the beach, discussing Cara’s freakoutté in the last episode, which is great because I want to rewind and delve further into it. The more I watch it, the less it makes sense. Why would the producers intervene? They barely stepped in when Juliette started hitting Chloe and Amanda – why whisk Cara away just for yelling that no one graduated high school for the fortieth time? Well, I hope you’re a fan of conspiracy theories because have I got one for you. I believe that the producers instructed Alex to push a fabricated storyline involving Cara cheating on G Baby. I’m guessing that they figured Cara would either go along with it, or that she’d get angry, (because that’s her job…) but what they didn’t predict was that Cara had reached her breaking point. Instead of screaming at Alex, (which is what they tried to play this off as,) I think she was screaming at the producers about the utter fakeness of the show. She was tired of constantly being painted as the villain. Which is why they ultimately removed her from the boat. It would also explain the choppy editing and the fact that she dropped out of the show. Thoughts? Opinions? I don’t care, I’m right. Let’s move on.

Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for – ALYSSA’S SIESTA KEY DEBUT! Who is Alyssa, you ask? LET ME EXPLAIN. Alyssa is Alex’s long-time family friend and current baby mama! She is also Juliette’s former friend from FSU and – you guessed it – HAIRDRESSER. Hairdresser! Has she no decency!? If you’re a friend, feel free to date my ex, but if you’re my hairdresser?! Dream on, bitch! I swear to God, the day Savannah (my hairdresser) starts dating my ex?! Utter chaos! Sadly, Juliette was warned that her hairdresser was a sneaky brownnoser with a hidden agenda. In last season, we witnessed a Chloe and Juliette blowuppé caused by Juliette’s pesky hairdresser! Her OWN HAIRDRESSER told Chloe she was talking shit. While that would be more than enough for me to say goodbye, Juliette kind of has this pattern of ignoring people’s many glaring red flags, idk if you’ve noticed it though, it’s something not many people know about her.

 Anyways, this is a betrayal worse than JC and Brutus, worse than JC and Judas, and dare I say – even worse than that time in Stephanie Meyer’s third American novel in the Twilight Series – Eclipse, when Bella, desperate to stop Jacob from fighting in werewolf form against the savage newborn vampire army Victoria and her new lover Riley had created, kisses Jacob in what she claims is an attempt to get him to stay with her in the safety of the tent, but what we know is an act of love and a direct betrayal of Vampire Edward. It hurts to even think about it. And right after they got engaged? Bella, you can be so heartless. But is this funny because we find out later that even though Alex may find Alyssa to be hotter than Juliette, he literally doesn’t like her. Ouch!

Wait – he doesn’t like her? I thought she was with child – his child! Well, you’re right, she is carrying a small Shrek Alex inside of her uterus, but I guess having someone’s child doesn’t actually force them to like you. Who knew? Would have saved me a lot of grief to have that intel, let me tell you. LOL!! Anyways, we know he doesn’t like Alyssa because he told Juliette to her face that he doesn’t like Alyssa. After Juliette and Boring Robby: The Liar have yet another unsuccessful (and boring) conversation about Alex, Juliette ignores his wishes and goes to see Alex for the first time since the breakuppé anyways. But before we discuss their conversation, I need to get something off my chest. I get a distinctly strange Fatherly vibe from Boring Robby when he and Juliette talk, and it’s so unsettling. Maybe it’s the never-ending rip off of Confucius quotes that spill out of his mouth hole uncontrollably? Seriously, Boring Robby’s only talent (besides stealing) is word vomiting random phrases that don’t pertain to the topic of conversation whatsoever. I mean, “That’s like sitting in the driver’s seat, moving forward, while watching the rearview mirror.” Intern, get this philosopher a quill, some ink, and a Pulitzer Prize…STAT!

Juliette and Alex’s talk goes just about as well as it could possibly go. (It goes horribly.) Luckily, we got some genuine dynamite quotes from the exchange. I was geeking watching this because Juliette has this wonderful habit of exercising exactly zero willpower when it comes to Alex, so we truly get a look inside her brain during this convo. Like she literally can’t control what she says. Maybe that’s why she’s dating Boring Robby. He can’t stop quoting Seventeen Magazine, and Juliette can’t stop herself from screaming “You haven’t found a girl that’s hotter than me” at her ex. It’s one and the same. When Alex and Juliette sit down to talk, it gets heated pretty quickly. Alex admits that he’s not over Juliette, and even though he has “found a girl (or ten) hotter than [Juliette]”, he “hasn’t found a girl [he] likes more than [Juliette].” Juliette brings up Alex’s threating texts to Boring Robby, there are tears from both parties, and Juliette drives off. It’s like, I get why you wanted to, but really Juliette – how did you think this would go?

Okay so let’s take a break from all of this Jalex drama. As much as I love it – wow it’s exhausting! Cut to: BG and Amanda getting steamy in the hot tub! Unfortunately for Brandon, the only thing he’s getting is a steaming pile of rejection. When BG asks Amanda to be official, presumably because he’s worried about her ex, she tells him she doesn’t want to put a label on it. Cringe! Meanwhile, Kelsey and her new friend Jake seem to be getting close, and no – I didn’t mean to type “Jared.” That’s right, Kelsey is up to her usual antics and starting to date multiple guys at once again, finally! As Jake, who is also Robby’s best friend, tearfully confides in Kelsey about his sick father, Kelsey reassuringly responds, “Clearly you have a good shoulder on your head. Your Dad has raised you right.” Normally I would crucify her for this blunder, but she’s been so great this season that I’ll let it slide. Kind of.

 This is me not letting it slide.

Time for Amanda’s party! The first fun thing that happens is that Chloe and Juliette finally makeup, thank GOD because I like both of them infinitely more when they’re friends. The second fun thing is that even though noble Juliette leaves Boring Robby at home out of respect for Alex, Alex walks in holding her – gasp – HAIRDRESSER’S hand. Mike drop, Alex! Jake, Kelsey’s new love interest and Robby’s BFF, makes a sly comment about Alex which TOTALLY comes back to bite him in the ass when none other than shit-stirrer Chloe decides to blow up his spot – but we’ll get to that later. For now, Juliette’s just trying to keep her cool. Respect!

Juliette has been keeping it under control until Amanda confronts her about the lost phone. As we know, Amanda suspects Robby of stealing her phone. And based on Juliette’s face, he is guilty as charged. Juliette breaks down and tells Amanda that Boring Robby threw her phone in the ocean. Surprisingly, Amanda is really nice to Juliette about it, so major props! I think Amanda knows Juliette didn’t have anything to do with the phone and is probably very overwhelmed since she’s being filmed while her ex-boyfriend and ex-hairdresser are making out in front of her face while she’s trying to repair relationships with her best friends. So good for Amanda. Now that Juliette has her friends back, she’s ready for anything. Well, almost anything.

The party’s going too well, so Chloe decides to stir the pot and tell Alex that Jake called him a “sociopath” as Jake is sitting right next to him. Alex immediately dares him to define the word sociopath. This is particularly hilarious because just last week, Alex asked Cara to define the word slander. Why is his go-to insult asking people if they know the Merriam Webster definition of various words? Like next thing you know, you’re going to be asking me how to spell it and use it in a sentence. This isn’t Scripps. Anyways, before Jake can even try to define it, Alex steps in and defines sociopath as “Someone that obsesses over multiple things, that is um…very uh…self-centered, I guess you could say.” SO close, buddy! But no cigar. He truly puts the dick in dictionary, am I right?! His new girlfriend also channels his dick vibe and waltzes up to Juliette to “talk.” I love when people decide to “talk” to Juliette when she’s wasted and vulnerable. Leave Juliette alone! Luckily, Alyssa ends up looking like a complete idiot. She’s condescending, rude, and acts like Juliette has no reason to be thrown off. Even when Alex comes up, Juliette stands her ground and remains fairly level-headed. Alyssa walks away to let the two hash it out, but then proceeds to scream from across the room for Alex to come stand next to her, and admits defeat by confiding in her friends that “he still loves Juliette.” Stay in your lane, sweetie. You’re just a rebound. (Until you get knocked up…but we don’t know that yet.) See you next week.  

[crossdressingdeath]

And not only JC considers that the only repayment for WWX "debt" is WWX spending the rest of his life being a servant, he thinks that WWX should do so even if it makes him act in ways that violates his morality (and frankly, general morality). There is a great parallel between WZL and WWX because both had "debts" to a sect, but both made very different choices regarding if a debt was enough to make you act unethically. JC would be happy to destroy the core of what makes WWX the person he is1/4

as long as JC doesn't end alone because unlike LWJ, he never appreciated WWX as a person but he loved the role WWX could play in his life, the moral support who always puts JC emotions first, the sidekick who you don't have to treat right but who puts up with it and sees your hidden good sides, the subordinate who will fight and win battles Yunmeng but for who Yunmeng will never fight battles for (except JYL). It's a selfish kind of love unlike LWJ's. It's also why I find nearly all2/4

reconciliation fics laughable because there is no misunderstanding left between them after the temple, and their drift apart is very deep and started way in the past shortly after WWX gets to know LWJ, LWJ who always believes in the goodness of WWX heart, demonic cultivation or not, but is also properly horrified that WWX hurts himself so and proactively tries to find various ways to help him, LWJ who regrets to not have been able to stand by his side when he was hated and who in WWX words 3/4

berated me when everyone praised me, but stood by my side when everyone turned their back on me," LWJ who wants to give to WWX instead of only take, LWJ who has seen his own soul reflected in WWX's and who doesn't see WWX acting following his own heart as treason even if it sometimes hurts LWJ; all things that JC doesn't care at all about. There was no question that LWJ was WWX choice thrice over JC, and that drift only got larger when WWX meets the 13y after JC and realizes that he still 4/4

has the emotional maturity level of JL,a child who at the story end has grown up enough to give emotional management advice to his 30+ uncle. But JC won't change, he will cling to ways of being and feeling that made YZY and everyone around her miserable, and he will continue to perpetrate them in his own life, making himself and people around him sad and mad because he makes protecting himself from emotional pain his priority compared to finding happiness, friendship or being a decent person 5/4

The thing with LWJ is, when he berated WWX for using demonic cultivation it was because it was dangerous. WWX was pushing himself too far with a form of cultivation that he only invented a short time earlier and putting himself in serious danger in the process, both because it was still a work in process and he might not recognize warning signs for things like qi deviation and because if he became too powerful the sects would... well, do exactly as we see them do. LWJ berated WWX because he was scared for him, and WWX sees that in hindsight. JC disapproves of demonic cultivation... but only post-Sunshot, and only when it starts making JC himself look bad. LWJ only tries to change WWX even slightly when not changing puts WWX in danger. JC wants WWX to change everything from his cultivation to his moral compass to his personality because the person he is doesn’t suit JC’s tastes.

WWX and WZL do parallel each other quite nicely. WWX’s disgust at how WZL uses his debt to WRH to justify the horrible things he does really does foreshadow how WWX himself will react when JC tries to use his debt to the Jiangs to force him to do horrible things. WWX loves JC, and truly believes he owes him... but that’s not enough to make him throw away his morals, and JC hates that. He hates that he can’t force WWX to go against everything he believes, that he won’t follow obediently along because he owes JC, even though JC was also disgusted at WZL’s blind obedience because of a debt. Apparently that’s only a bad thing when it’s working against JC, surprise surprise.

Never forget how when WWX sees JC after thirteen years and looks at his brother, now in his mid-thirties, he describes him as overconfident and arrogant. That’s the description we get, and since WWX’s our viewpoint character that’s what he thinks when he sees JC. Is it really a surprise that they aren’t close at the end, when that’s what WWX sees when he looks at JC? And that’s while he’s still in full “JC was a great brother and it’s all my fault he wanted me dead” mode! JL is also overconfident and arrogant (wonder who he got that from), but guess what? He grows as a character over the course of the novel! He’s still a bit overconfident and arrogant at the end, but... well, he’s thirteen years old, we have to cut him some slack here. He’s beginning to realize that acting the way he has will only turn people against him, and if he wants people to like him he has to try to treat them with kindness and respect. Lessons that JC should have learned, after his pride and arrogance left him the only remaining member of the Jiang clan. But he didn’t. And he continued to not learn them, even after thirteen years filled with uncomfortable meetings and the grumblings of everyone who ever had to speak with him or rely on him or even exist in the same space as him as they complained about how rude and infuriating and just plain awful he was to have to deal with. And he didn’t learn a damn thing from that in thirteen years. But JL did. JC’s emotional maturity has been outstripped by a thirteen-year-old raised by JGY of all people. I guess... good for him?

And of course WWX doesn’t want to go back, is willing to let the relationship die rather than go back to the way things were. With LWJ, he finally knows what it’s like to have someone who puts him first, takes what he wants and feels and needs into account, who’ll fight to the death to defend him without a second thought because he matters that much. Why on earth would he want to go back to being the obedient, subservient punching bag of a cruel man with a whip who hates him more now than he ever did before?

[yourbrotherzulu]

A Woman and a Miracle

so... i just thought, I’ll give you a little context here. All y'all funky people don't even know where I am. Besides in a hammock in Peru. With a monkey.

But there is more than this monkey here. There is also the second monkey. I think they are a couple but have some beef at the moment.

There is a shaman. But he doesn’t like the word shaman.

There is a bunch of russians. They don't really smile so much. Like never.

And there is a woman. Well... THE woman. (not the monkey woman, although tecnically we’re all monkeys)

And there is of course:

A MIRACLE

(tadaaa, drums please!)

(thank you, thank you. yeah. alright.)

PART I

You see... miracles are for the truthseeker what data is for the researcher. It is evidence. Spiritual evidence (not the only one of course). Without miracles, faith is just a believe. But with miracles... faith becomes knowing. And life becomes a magic carpet ride. A magic magic carpet ride. Fireworks to the left, music to the right, signs all the way through.

And one thing becomes very clear.

That miracles actually aren't miracles. They are lawful events.

They are just the natural effects of causes set in ones inner realm. Every little thing happens according to laws. Within, without, everywhere, all the time.

If ones perspective towards reality shifts, the whole universe responses. If your perspective shifts to one that is closer to the truth, things immediately run more smoothly. If it shifts a little more, things run in flow state, meaningful coincidences happen, synchronicities, fireworks, music and shit like that. If one perspective shifts right to the center, you hit the jackpot and get a miracle that changes your life with a 180 in an instant. This is the magic of reality. If you have experienced this for a certain number of time, believing stops, knowing starts, knowing that one has a intimate relationship with the universe.

Knowing this, that the cosmos is aware, that the cosmos responds, that the cosmos cares enables one to accept its love. Knowing that you are deeply loved and having an ongoing experience of that

is the real miracle.

Living with this knowledge naturally, lawfully makes one a person touched by grace. The love you receive will overflow. The light that shines on you will reflect to anyone you come in contact with. That kind of person.

A person that perceives abundance instead of scarcity, harmony where once was chaos, beauty where once was disgust, peace where once was turmoil. It changes this persons frequency and makes them saintly, free of greed, ill-will, animosity. This person surely will act beneficial for himself and for others and thus will be someone who bears good fruits, as JC said it.

Miracles, they make one eager to learn more about the spiritual laws, and become more disciplined in their application. One wishes to uncover more and more of this treausure one has stumbled upon inside so that one day one fully realizes ones own Buddha-Nature.There is a little line, if that line is crossed one finds oneself fully in the gravitational field of the selfless Self, the One in the Many, the Soul of Souls.

Because of that, one begins to understand that there is a difference between the morality of religions and societies and the morality of the cosmos that encompasses the whole law of being-ness. One begins to understand that if one does good and contribute to the harmony, peace and happiness of our earthling-family, that includes our brothers and sisters of the animal- and plant-kingdoms as well, one gets rewarded. In the inner kingdom one experiences good vibes, good thoughts, good energy and in the outer realm of the kingdom one is blessed with good relations, harmonious circumstances and material wealth. One begins to understand the true meaning of the Kingdom, which is in fact a fractal. Understanding leads to love. Love leads to care.

And the Kingdom begins to care for one.

As a mother cares for her child.

As a master cares for his student.

As a lover cares for his beloved.

As a friend cares for his friend.

The Kingdom IS the mother, master, lover, friend for such a person.

And this is the beginning of heaven.

Just the beginning. But it changes everything.

That is the teaching. And there is a way. And that way, the beautiful Dhamma is a great jewel in each and every persons life who has come across it.

People will notice. Something is different with you. Wherever you go people will feel the natural mystic in the air. They feel there is no evil in you.

There is a Path. Attaining the Path is the first goal. And practicing it is of utmost importance.

"Practice! Practice a lot, Ananda" said the Buddha to His disciple "and you will find a master hard to find."

“Doing Good. Avoiding doing bad. Purifing oneself! This is the whole of the Dhamma” the Buddha said.

“Love! Love your neighbor as yourself and love your God with all your Heart and Strength and Might! This is the Law and the Prophets” the Christ said.

Practice! Love! Practice Loving! Love Practicing!

Until you cross the thin line and enter the stream.

Then all will be good.

Sotapana.

The Path leads to the line, merges into the stream that carries one to the ultimate.

Practice!

Morality. Mastery over the mind. Wisdom. These are the three disciplines.

...

just a sec

...

shit ran away with me a little

...

lets take a little break

...

la la la

...

intense shit, right?

hmm where were we?

lets start at the beginning...

PART II

ah ja, there were monkeys, shamans, russians (which are actually not important),there was a woman and a miracle.

And all that in the middle of the Peruvian jungle. Where else would one expect monkeys and shamans?

Ages ago, at least one lifetime, I was studying medicine back in Germany. I was quite good and managed it with surprising ease. But I was also a rebel. Ask my mother, she can tell you I already annoyed everyone in kindergarten. I was always critizising what I was doing and testing if the trench we all sit on is really suitable for the future. Many people liked it. Many didn’t. I never cared. I believed in my wings.

So I started researching other ways of healing. I believed in science. I believed in God already. I didn’t believe in religion. And I haven’t had found out yet, that science is a religion in itself. I researched, and smoked a lot of weed, I read testimonials of people who got cured of cancer in the jungles of South America, got healed by this or that ancient herb in God knows what mountain village or African bushtown. I knew people myself, who meditated their diseases away. I heard incredible stories and decided to take them seriously.

And one day I had to come and see for myself.

Now, many years later I am here. In Peru. I quit med-school long ago. I don’t need a professor anymore to teach me the reality of my body and mind. I don’t need a doctor who knows all the theories about health but looks like a bag of old potatoes. I close my eyes and meditate to see the reality of my mind and body. I open my eyes and tap into the present moment to see the reality of the world. I feel my body, use my body, stretch my body, exercise my body, fill my body with good shit, try to avoid bad shit. Try to find balance, stability, strength and ease in posture. I don’t need to study health. I need to practice it. From moment to moment

In Peru, in the remote center of Don Pepe, somewhere in the moskito-infested jungle, taking care not to kick a chicken with every step I take, I am witnessing some amazing stuff.

There is this old abuela. Yesterday I hold her sweating arm, while Pepe was treating her foot. You see, the foot is dead. I mean rotten-dead. Cut-it-off dead. Seeing-the-bones dead. The doctors wanted to amputate. Any sane person would advise this. But not Don Pepe. He was treating it. And the tissues were growing back. Every day. Little by little. The black stinking flesh is regaining color. Where there is no flesh, it is growing back. Fat. Nerve. Muscle. And this is just normal business here.

At night, when we drink Ayahuasca, I see jacked giants breaking out in tears, sobbing for their mother, facing the emotional traumas they have buried deep down in their souls and forgotten about it. At daylight I see them again. Changed. More open. Less dark. Lighter.

And although medical miracles... Not the miracle I want to share tonight.

The miracle has to do with the woman.

But I gotta go back in the days for that. Way back.

When I was studying medicine, I also fell in love with... drugs. Hamburgs techno-scene was hot, the music was fresh, the people cool. Still to this day I believe Hamburg has the dopest people of all cities on Earth. I was taken by it. The MDMA allowed me to open to others, connect in a way I never knew before. I felt as if I was part of something bigger, something beautiful. I felt beautiful myself. I was less tense. More smooth. People genuinely liked me all of a sudden. Chicks liked me. And I liked them. I loved them. I loved the music. I loved the dancing, the sweat, the sexyness. I loved the vibrations. I loved the rush. Not long until I was completely addicted to it.

I needed money. For entries. For drinks. For drugs. For more drinks.

I lied to my mother. I requested money for this or that new medical book, plastic sceleton, or whatever shit I came up with. When she stopped sending me money, because it was just too much, I had a drink with a friend of mine and the next day we bought a few hundred pills and pushed them in the clubs ourselves.

He stopped soon. He said, it destroyed the parties for him. I didn’t stop. I just started. For me it didn’t destroy the parties. It just changed the game to another level. At the beginning it was cool. It was just a side hustle, for a few minutes when I went from the dancefloor to take a piss and someone asked me for something in the bathroom. I was amazed that instead of spending a hundred bucks per night I went home with an additional hundred.

Then two hundred.

Then five hundred.

Then I realized that I can sell pills in Berlin for double the price, triple even, quadruple sometimes. In Hamburg we were family, we knew each other, we couldn’t rip each other off. But in Berlin, my hometown, nobody gave a shit.

Each friday morning, when I was finished raving in Hamburgs `”Baalsaal” I took a ride to Berlin, where I would keep on partying the weekend, to be back in university on monday morning.

In Berlin I made a thousand. Per night.

I always loved the Berghain. It was just another thing. More mature. More naked. Rough and sexy.

They had their own dealers. Not that they worked for the club, but they had their claims there. But soon I realized, they came quite late, because late is when the real party starts. But the tourists didn’t know that. And the tourists were the ones who needed shit. My shit. And I could ask any price I wanted. Because they had no fuckin’ clue. And there was nobody else anyway.

It was fuckin’ gold-rush

Before the first of the home-dealers arrived I already made 2 grand.

For what? For having a great time!

It took a few weeks and I didn’t give a shit about the dealers anymore. They knew me, they liked me, I liked them. I had my regular customers who would party every weekend and would get a line or pill for free every now and then.

Everyone knew me. Everyone knew my shit was awesome. Everyone was my friend. I felt like the coolest cat in the coolest club of the world.

I was shining. I was the sugarman. I was King-fuckin’-Kong!

And I literally had unlimited money.

And then I saw her. Sitting on a black, worn-out leather couch, between two good looking dudes.

Her face was a masterpiece. Her hair looked liked fuckin’ silk. You know, like in the commercials. Like L’oreal or something like that.

She had the vibe. Fresh. Light. And dirty at the same time, ‘cause there are only dirty people in this club.

Before I even said “Hi”, I was in love. Struck by lightning

I said I liked her face. It was a stupid line. But she liked it and smiled.

“I am Josi!” she said. And I was lost. She had me. She just needed to take it.

We talked and danced and heeell yeah

she had a groove.

A girl with a groove like that, a girl who knows how to bounce the shit out of the dancefloor, that is rare, like purple moons. They exist. I saw them. But only a few times.

Her life's goal, she said, "is just being in the Here and Now"

My God, I would have killed anyone for this woman.

I had already sold all my stuff that night and had now only eyes for her. I liked to pay for her drinks and get massive bundles of money out of my pocket. She was pushing dope herself and when she heard how much I already made that night she just couldn't believe it. Like she really didn’t believed it. Until I showed her all my money. I tried to impress her by telling her I sell dope since I was 14, which was true, but I stopped at 18 and started doing armed robberies instead.

She wasn’t focused, so I took the rest of her dope and pushed it within the next 30 minutes.

We drank so much. We snorted even more. I put two lines on the screen of my phone and she sniffed them both away with a single stroke. We laughed. The smiles in our faces wouldn't stop.

But we didn't go home with each other.

The whole week I was thinking about her. Monday, while looking into the microscope. Tuesday, while cutting of some fat of some old dead dude. Wednesday while reading stuff in the library. On Thursday Night I started my business, back in Hamburgs “Baalsaal”. On Friday Night I continued in Berghain. She wasn’t there. I should have slept afterwards. But I didn’t. Saturday Night, still without sleep, I walked like a zombie to Berghain. I had to see her.

As usual, I had shitloads of pills and powders in my bag. I always hid my stash in the bushes somewhere in walking distance to the club and would take only smaller amounts at once with me into the club, hidden in a secret pocket of my fluffy red jacket. But today wasn’t always. Today was pay-day for my sins.

I forgot to hide my shit.

When they checked my bag at the entrance, and they always check everyone, they pulled out hundreds of pills and God knows how many bags with speed.

As the police arrived, all I was thinking was

"fiNaLly...sLEep"

Not counting the countless nights I spend in cells of different police stations in Berlin, it was about to enter my second real jail-time.

My mind couldn’t process what was going on. I really couldn’t comprehend at all what was happening. Just a minute ago, I was havin’ fun, dancin’, bouncin’, makin’ cash and now... what? I mean... whaaaaat?

It was just too many drugs. Too many months, too many weekends, too many nights. At the end I took more than ten pills per night, not knowing how many lines of speed and other stuff. The stop was too abrupt. It was as if my life stopped from 200 to zero in a second and my mind just crashed through the front window and I was flying through a void without anything to tell me where the fuck is up and where is down.

The second night in prison, I took the pants of the pyjama, that they gave me, tied one nice knot around the bars and another one around my neck. When I jumped, I realized that the knot wasn't nice after all. I was sitting on my butt, hurting, thinking "fUck iT" and went to bed.

The next day I was brought to my permanent cell, and the first thing I did, as the warden stepped outside and closed the heavy door behind him, was making a really nice knot, but this time properly.

I hung a few moments from the bars, then my bodies adrenaline was having a word with me and instinctively my feet were reaching for the edge of the bed. After 7 very long seconds, they managed to get hold of it, slide it a little closer and finally stand on it.

“gODdaMn” I thought with a messy mind... “I hAve a pRoBlemmm”

On the same day, I went to the doctor, told him that I am not stable and definitely gonna kill myself in here. I told him the whole story, he seemed to be really cool. He put a red dot on my cell’s door so that the wardens would check every hour whether I was still alive and fresh or already dead and stinky.

The next day I was brought to a double cell where I would live together with an arab dude who got catched selling heroin in the subway for a wage of 50 bucks a day. He was alright. Jerking off every night like there is no tomorrow... on the top floor of our bunkbed. But otherwise he was decent..

There I was. Looking out of the window. Seeing nothin’ but walls and barbwire and grey clouds.

It was winter.

And the months passed by.

I was praying, begging, crying. I felt abandoned by God, whom I met in my first jail-time as an 18 year old. I had no hope. My lawyer told me, for sure it's gonna be a few years, especially concerning my criminal record. I couldn’t grasp my situation. Just a moment ago, I was a bright young man, studying medicine, on his way to become a childrens doctor or a surgeon or whatever, the pride of his mother... and now... in prison... because I sold drugs on dirty toilets to dirty people of whom I was the dirtiest of them all.

My mom was visiting me once a week. She developed an ulcer in her stomach due to the intense stress and worry her imprisoned child caused her. That ulcer made her breath stink like shit and when I was brought back to my cell I would cry for hours while realizing what I have done to her. Silently, without sobbing. I wasn’t alone in the cell after all.

And I knew what was I about to do to her next would kill her. But I was so done. My brain was properly fucked by tons of drugs. My life was properly fucked anyway. And God left me. I was in Satan's custody now.

There was no hope.

I waited for my cell's companion to go to a certain appointment. I planned everything carefully. I pushed everything out of reach this time. No bed, no chair, nothing. I whispered my last words: "Sorry. For everything."

And then...

I fell asleep. Right where I was standing.

And then someone gave me a heavy slap right in my face.

I must have fallen on the floor. Two big muscular men with the white dress of psychiatry-nurses where standing over me. One white man and one black man. Both of them had tattoos all over their visible skin and army-like haircuts.

"Yo!" the white man was barking at me.

"Get yourself together, fool! Get your fucking shit together. You can do this! You have the strength. Just get your fucking shit together. You’re here for a reason. Stop whining and start learning, fool!"

And I was like “whaaaat?”

Then they both took me at the collar and threw me upwards.

And I was thrown through the ceiling of my cell, even through the ceilings of the cells on top of that and through the roof and I was flying further and further up until I came to a hold around 200m above the prison, overlooking the whole district, the buildings, the cars and the tiny people that would move like ants all around. The air was crisp and birds were flying around me.

And then gravity kicked in.

"Oh shit!" 

I was falling back down with an incredible speed, smashed back in my body, and woke up.

I was feeling fresh, energized and alive. There was hope after all.

For the first time in months there was a certain calmness in my mind.

I spent my days puzzling or writing love letters for all the arab inmates in my block, so that they could send them to their wifes outside, since every letter had to be in German, so that the wardens could read it before it would be sent. In return I received little jars of plum-jam or chocolates. Eating something sweet can be incredible nice in such a pale environment.

I returned to my regimen of workouts in the cell. Push-Ups and Sit-Ups. I stretched and bend.

And as my mind became clearer and clearer and more and more letters from my friends arrived I started to realized what I did on the spiritual level. You see, and I am kidding you not, I always took Jesus first miracle, when he turned water into wine into some kind of legitimation for taking drugs. But I just completely lost all measure. My friend, who stopped dealing after a few parties was wiser than me. I didn’t see clearly. I let my mind to be corrupted by greed, clouded by money. I reversed-enginereed the situation I was in and recognized, that for the last months I was only thinking about money, money, money. All day long I was calculating the numbers. How much I would spend on new supplies. How much I would earn in this club or that club and how long it would take to be really fuckin’ rich.

I read the many letters of my friends outside who were thinking of me and wishing me good luck. Before my arrest I degraded them all to mere customers. I recalled that when I met any of them I only cared about whether they need somethin for the next weekend. That was all. I didn’t hang out with them anymore if they didn’t buy stuff. I was a shell. God didn't abandon me. I abandoned him. And I didn’t even notice.

I smiled. Now I knew why I was here. Not because God stopped loving me. But because He was loving me so much, that he needed to correct me with some tough love. Because He cared, I was here. So that I can change. And become righteous once again.

A few weeks passed by and they revisited their decision whether to leave me in custody until the trial or not as it is the formal procedure in the land.

I was brought to a little court-room inside the prison.

Above the door of the room, where I would meet the judge was a triangle with an eye inside of it. And I knew God would be in there too.

The judge opened the procedure. He read my criminal records. All my arrests for fist-fights, for breaking in to cars or other stupid shit. But strangely my conviction for armed robbery was not in the list, although this was by far the heaviest crime of them all.

They had the results from the laboratory, he said. He didn’t smile.

Apparently I was selling pills the weekend I got arrested that were so heavily stretched that there was almost no real MDMA or other classified substance in any of them. The same was the case for the powders. I remembered, that on that weekend quite a few people came back to me and complained about the quality of the dope, or even wanted their money back.

You see, God works in mysterious ways. Especially when it comes to tweaking numbers. He seems to have a thing for that.

They had to let me go. The amount of substance in the drug was just too little.

Hope.

I couldn't believe it. They found at least two hundred pills and another hundred grams of speed and now they say it all was just smarties and baking powder.

What a miracle!

And still, not the miracle I want to talk about.

My mom picked me up from the prison gate. She was crying. Relieved. And disappointed of course. Realizing that she didn't know the young man in front of her who used to made her proud, who was to become a doctor, her little boy.

She made me clean up the garden. It was still freezing cold. The winter was long.

All I could think about was Josi. The angel I just met before I went to prison.

I called her. Her voice was cold. She didn't want to meet me.

And my heart fell together in itself like a ballon pierced by needle.

...

Although they gave me a lifelong ban in Berghain I managed to slip in a few times. Dancing in Panorama Bar I saw her standing with a friend on the little balcony from which one could see the whole dancefloor. She pointed towards me and I clearly heard her saying to her friend: "That's him! That’s the guy I told you about!" You see the F1-Soundsystem in that joint is quite remarkable and can erase those frequencies out of the music that are used when humans are talking with each other. This allows you to actually have conversations although the speakers are pumping sound like anything.

I knew that she knew that I was there. But when I approached her she pretended to be surprised to see me and I noticed how uncomfortable she was just talking to me.

I was desperate. So in love. And she didn't give a shit. It seemed. Some friends of mine told me she was always asking about me. I was confused. So confused. Maybe she was too... But I felt I am somehow still important to her.

Although I was not in jail anymore, I was still imprisoned.

Although I had received a little bit clarity of mind in the prison, it was all gone by now. The drugs took their toll. I had to pay my debts now. My mind was not functioning. My emotions were completely in chaos. My thoughts were dull and messy. I had problems to process language. My memory had no grip at all. All my attempts to do anything worthwhile failed. My relationships were bad. Most of my friends somehow abandoned me. I hated myself. I was a broken human being. Completely kaputt. I was staring right at it. And I just couldn't escape.

I started an apprenticeship in a carpentry workshop but I just couldn't make it work. Whatever I did, it was full of flaws, uncomplete, dirty and way too often I even damaged the work of others by accident or just mere mindlessness. I was slow, forgot too many things and noticeably wasn't mentally present. While my thinking had no power at all, the power of my emotions was way too much to handle and brought me down to my knees every day. I wouldnt pray. I would beg for mercy, whining and wailing. Especially in construction, where there is sharpness required and a lot of testosterone in the air, this emotional turmoil just completely fucked me. Every half an hour I went to the toilet to have a panic attack, to cry, to look in the mirror and saw some kind of clown I didn’t recognize. My co-workers started to talk behind my back. At first. Later they talked shit about me while I was standing right in the damn room.

I couldn't talk to friends, although there were a few who sticked with me, who were deeply worried. But I couldn’t accept their love. I couldn’t be loved.

I begged God for my death. Even for my mother to die, so that I could kill myself without hurting her.

Every free moment I was thinking about suicide. Or about Josi.

It was a Dark Night of the Soul. And a very long one.

I lived in a community then with a few people. My presence always had and still has a big impact on the atmosphere in a room. In those days for the bad. I was grumpy, frustrated with myself, alone, hopeless. The others were increasingly irritated by my presence, my moodyness, my tensions and I noticed that painfully every moment on every single day. And thus I stepped into darkness even more.

I wrote a letter. Took a kitchen knife with me. Went to the graveyard right around the corner, sat next to a tombstone, took a deep breath and was about to start the cut.

I closed my eyes.

All of a sudden I saw images. Vivid. Deep. Colorful. High Resolution. As if I would be right in them. There was an ocean, sparkling water, warm sunshine. An amazing coast. There were friends and me on a sailing boat. We were laughing. I saw myself in a nice room, playing guitar, singing. I saw myself in front of a canvass, painting, wearing torn clothes with red and green sprinkles on them. And a hat. I saw myself standing on top of a mountain. Watching the world in 360 degrees. I saw myself holding a child in my arms. 

I opened my eyes.

I dropped the knife and felt hope once again that there might be a future for me, a life, in bright colors with red and green sprinkles. One day.

But for now everything was still grey.

A friend told me about a silent ten day meditation retreat. It was called “Vipassana”, she said. I had never heard about it.

And although I was always interested in meditation and yoga, I didn’t applied for the sake of meditating. All I wanted to everyone around me to shut the up for ten days. For me shutting up for ten days. For being alone. For not disturbing anyone with my mere existence.

Without that course I would be dead by now, that much I know. And now, many years later, I would go through all of it once more, just to be brought to this technique.

From the first day on afterwards, my cognition started to function again. Little by little but tangible. My emotions were still chaotic and I panicked a lot, almost every day. But whenever I remembered to apply what I have learned from Vipassana, my emotions immediately became less abstract, less overwhelming.

Emotions stripped away from there mental projections and reduced to physical sensations were something I could handle. My panick stopped being a violent rush of self-doubt, negative memories, bad projections of the future and started to be an increased heartbeat, a weird feeling in the stomach, coldness in my limbs. That was still unpleasant, but nothing that would whoop my ass.

What once were huge, dangerous monsters in my bedroom became just the shadows of a little dwarfs standing on my sideboard as soon as i switched on the light of awareness that Vipassana taught me.

I came back to life. I stretched and breathed. I meditated. I bought a guitar.

I wasn't able to write again, but I hoped... maybe one day I will have the strentgh, joy and confidence to speak once more. Maybe one day I my spirit would be strong again, so that I would dare to inspire. Maybe one day I would have a voice again.

The colors came back. One after the other.

But Josi didn't. She avoided me. Sometimes we met by coincidence. There was no affection from her at all. And I turned into a little puppy, needy for her affirmation, her confirmation that I would exist.

Back then I knew nothing about masculine or feminine energies. I didn’t know what a man was, or a woman, and that a true man or woman has always both energies in state of balance. I only knew I was in love with an angel that would rather eat glass alone then have a dinner with me.

But I kept on thinking and dreaming about her.

...

Fast forward a few years.

...

PART III

The Golden Gate Bridge was a fucking majestically thing. The bay sparkled blue and the sky was as blue as a sky can be. I loved San Francisco, especially when I could see it from my friends balcony in Oakland.

Visiting California was always on top of my bucket list.

I was feeling great that morning. I had a funny dream the night before and dreamt about Josi, what would happen every few months. After I woke up, still half asleep on the couch, I opened her Facebook page and saw that she had an Instagram account which I checked out for the first time. I saw hundreds and hundreds of professional model-photos. She made it. I was happy. At first.

It took just a few moments and I felt like a total loser. The images in my mind of her being with beautiful actors, models, fashion-creators or whatever society-shit there is, overwhelmed me. I felt small. I didn’t accomplish anything. I was just traveling the world, doing nothing worthwhile besides finding myself. While she must be quite wealthy by now, or having a rich man by her side, I had nothing to offer. The only thing I had was God, but at least the relationship between Him and I was improving for a while now.

Something inside of me wouldn’t have it. Something inside me wouldn’t crawl back under the blanket and feel sorry for myself. If she can pursue her dreams, than I could do the same thing.

I made myself a nice coffee, lit up a cigarette, booted my laptop and did something I haven’t done for years.

I wrote.

Nothing long. Nothing good even. But at least something.

I found my mind back years ago. My Heart some months ago while in India.

But my passion I found back that very morning.

I felt grateful. I enjoyed my life. Very much. But not to be able to write was always tormenting me in the back of my mind.

I stepped outside into a beautiful sunny day and decided to contact Josi after so many years. A textmessage wouldn’t be good. It needed to be something more personal. So I made a video for her and expressed my gratefulness for the Inspiration I received from seeing her following her dream. I believe to this day, that this is the best way to help others. By living oneself to fullest. Living life like it’s golden. I sent the video. Stepped into my car. And drove north where I would sit my second Vipassana-course, 5 years after my first one.

And again it completely changed my life.

That course, I realized already on the third day, would be one of the most important events in my life. I had a certain experience that is called "Bhangha". A complete dissolution of a solidified area next to my spine. I had a pain there that tormented me for two years. It couldn’t got cured by doctors, chiropractors or yoga-asanas. Vipassana is a pali-word, the language spoken by the Buddha and means as much as seeing things as they are. And by exactly doing this, observing the painful sensations, aware and equanimously... it just melted. It was as if I threw a tablet into a glas of water and what was a solid peace at first just bubbled away. That happened to other solidified spots too. I felt opened energy lines, the nadis, vibrating throughout my body. Sometimes it was as if it was raining the other way round, that thousand of tiny drops would leave my back and ascend to the sky. Bhangha!

Bhangha. One the most important and at the same time most dangerous experiences for a meditator. A milestone. That is why it is called little stream-entry. It shows one the true power of the technique, and thus one realizes what’s gonna happen if one continues with it. It shatters one’s view of the reality of ones own mind-body phenomenon. Naga-Rupa. And it is probably the most pleasant experience ever. Even if it just occurs partially, as it did to me. This amazing pleasantness itself and the simultaneously happening dissolution of unpleasant pains... that is why it is not only one of the most important experiences but also one of the most dangerous. They warn you! You can meditate wrong! You can create new impurities and tensions if you develop cravings for the sensations of it or for the progress that it seems to be! But somehow, during that retreat I didn’t hear that. I would pay a price for that. Much later.

In that retreat, I had a few openings of the third eye as well. I saw the structures and the fractals of the cosmos, the blueprint of creation, of myself, of God. I received the second represantion of the meaning of the Kingdom. But besides that it was just spectacular. I was thinking about fire and BOUM was sitting right in front of a camp-fire, feeling the warmth, hearing the crackles, seeing the vivid red and orange of the flames. I was thinking about water and BOUM was standing naked right in a waterfall, feeling the fresh cold, hearing the splashes, seeing the vivid blue and turquoise of the water. I saw a whole bunch of other stuff too, archetypes, galaxies, battles in outer space, even Darth Vader coming out of a solidified sensation with a laser-sword. It was a trip. But although definitely induced by my brains own DMT (the way things look are just too unique) it was much more controlable, integratable and memorizable then smoking the shit.

When the course was over there was not a trace of doubt left, that I hit the jackpot with this technique. I studied in the years before many spiritual ways, healing techniques, philosophies and will always practice the eight limbs of Yoga. But this technique, taught and applied by the Buddha himself, was the only one I have encountered, that would lead to full Enlightenment. As it did for himself and for so many others after him.

I was heavily meditated. Calm, clear and confident.

When I activated my phone there was no reply to the message I sent to Josi though.

But I knew in that moment, probably for the first time in my life, that regardless if I see her ever again, I will be happy. This knowing was on a very deep level and increased my peace even more. I knew it didn’t matter at all what happened. What I did with either way, was what mattered.

You see. A miracle is not just the effect. The cause is what really counts. And the cause is always a change in one’s perspective. That is the true miracle. Whatever happens in the outside then, is merely a confirmation that one’s view has been corrected. And that the cosmos is very well aware. This awareness of the cosmos, it's responsiveness and care for the issues of it's inhabitants... this is what I call God.

When I took my phone the next time, there was a little red dot with the number one inside in the corner of the app. I received a message. It was Josi.

The next day came another one. We texted back and forth. I didn’t feel like a puppy anymore. But I felt like it's christmas everyday, with every message I received. When she switched to voice messages, and I could listen to her voice once again, my face consisted only of a big fat smile all day long.

We didn’t manage to have a call though. There was the time-difference between California and Berlin and since I was staying in a house of a ganjafarmer far out in the californian nowhere I had only a very shitty connection. If at all.

Then... suddenly... the last message ended with...

"I just can't live anymore"

And then nothing more. Internet was gone again. I was freaking out. Whatthefuck? Whatthefuck? Whatthefuckisgoingon?

I drove to the next city. Called her.

She told me that she was very sick. That the many years of drugs took their toll. That she continued long after I was out and took some heavy shit. Her mind was broken. She only had fake friends, that stole all her money. She was alone. Therapies didn’t help. She didn’t had hope.

...

"Then join me to Peru!" I said.

It took her a few days, but then

..she agreed.

I couldn't believe it. I would have traveled around the globe to see her once again. Just one more time. And now she would. Not to see me maybe, but to find healing, but nonetheless we would finally meet.

I find it always astonishing. In the moment were you stop craving for your dreams to come true, when you allow the universe to work, what once was chased for so long just turns around and knocks on the door. Although with a bitter by-taste this time. But broken things can be repaired, so not too bitter.

Worry not about what you shall eat, or what you shall wear, where you shall live. Your heavenly Father knows what you need. Worry only about the Kingdom and everything else will be given to you.

In thee days she comes.

And that is the miracle.

[jesseneufeld]

5 Biggest Longevity Myths

Older people (and those headed in that direction, which is everyone else) are really sold a bill of goods when it comes to health and longevity advice. I’m not a young man anymore, and for decades I’ve been hearing all sorts of input about aging that’s proving to be not just misguided, but downright incorrect. Blatant myths about healthy longevity continue to circulate and misinform millions. Older adults at this very moment are enacting routines detrimental to living long that they think are achieving the opposite. A major impetus for creating the Primal Blueprint was to counter these longevity myths. That mission has never felt more personal.

So today, I’m going to explore and refute a few of these top myths, some of which contain kernels of truth that have been overblown and exaggerated. I’ll explain why.

1) “Don’t Lift Heavy: You’ll Throw Out Your Back”

Obviously, a frail grandfather pushing 100 shouldn’t do Starting Strength right off the bat (or maybe ever, depending on how frail he is). That’s not my contention here. My contention:

Lifting as heavy as you can as safely as you can is essential for healthy longevity. That’s why I put it first in the list today. It’s that important.

For one, lean muscle mass is one of the strongest predictors of resistance to mortality. The more muscle a person has (and the stronger they are), the longer they’ll live—all else being equal. That’s true in both men and women.

One reason is that the stronger you are, the more capable you are. You’re better at taking care of yourself, standing up from chairs, ascending stairs, and maintaining basic functionality as you age.

Another reason is that increased lean mass means greater tissue reserve—you have more organ and muscle to lose as you age, so that when aging-related muscle loss sets in, you have longer to go before it gets serious. And that’s not even a guarantee that you’ll lose any. As long as you’re still lifting heavy things, you probably won’t lose much muscle, if any. Remember: the average old person studied in these papers isn’t doing any kind of strength training at all.

It doesn’t have to be barbells and Olympic lifts and CrossFit. It can be machines (see Body By Science, for example) and bodyweight and hikes. What matters is that you lift intensely (and intense is relative) and safely, with good technique and control.

2) “Avoid Animal Protein To Lower IGF-1”

Animal protein has all sorts of evil stuff, they say.

Methionine—linked to reduced longevity in animal models.

Increased IGF-1—a growth promoter that might promote unwanted growth, like cancer.

Yet, a huge study showed that in older people, those 65 or older, increased animal protein intake actually protected against mortality. The older they were and the more protein they ate, the longer they lived.

Meanwhile, low-protein diets have been shown to have all sorts of effects that spell danger for older people hoping to live long and live well:

Slow the metabolism, increase insulin resistance, and cause body fat gain.

Impair the immune system and make infections more severe.

Reduce muscle function, cellular mass (yes, the actual mass of the cell itself), and immune response in elderly women.

Impair nitrogen balance in athletes.

Increase the risk of osteoporosis.

Increase the risk of sarcopenia (muscle wasting).

And about that “excess methionine” and “increased IGF-1”?

You can easily (and should) balance your methionine intake with glycine from collagen, gelatin, or bone broth. In animals, doing so protects against early mortality.

In both human and animal studies, there’s a U-shaped relationship between IGF-1 levels and lifespan. Animal studies show an inverse relationship between IGF-1 and diabetes, heart disease, and heart disease deaths (higher IGF-1, less diabetes/heart disease) and a positive association between IGF-1 and cancer (higher IGF-1, more cancer). A recent review of the animal and human evidence found that while a couple human studies show an inverse relationship between IGF-1 and longevity, several more show a positive relationship—higher IGF-1, longer lifespan—and the majority show no clear relationship at all.

3) “You’re Never Getting Back That Cartilage—Once It’s Gone, It’s Gone”

Almost every doctor says this. It’s become an axiom in the world of orthopedics.

But then we see this study showing that people have the same microRNAs that control tissue and limb regeneration in lizards and amphibians. They’re most strongly expressed in the ankle joints, less so in the knees, and even less so at the hip—but they’re there, and they’re active.

I’ve seen some impressive things, have been able to personally verify some stunning “anecdotes” from friends and colleagues who were able to regrow cartilage or at least regain all their joint function after major damage to it. Most doctors and studies never capture these people. If you look at the average older person showing up with worn-down joints and degraded or damaged cartilage, how active are they? What’s their diet?

They are mostly inactive. They are often obese or overweight.

They generally aren’t making bone broth and drinking collagen powder. They aren’t avoiding grains and exposing their nether regions to daily sun. They aren’t doing 200 knee circles a day, performing single leg deadlifts, and hiking up mountains. These are the things that, if anything can, will retain and regrow cartilage. Activity. Letting your body know that you still have need of your ankles, knees, and hips. That you’re still an engaged, active human interacting with the physical world.

4) “Retire Early”

This isn’t always bad advice, but retiring and then ceasing all engagement with the outside world will reduce longevity, not increase it. Having a life purpose is essential for living long and living well; not having one is actually an established risk factor for early mortality. And at least when you’re getting up in the morning to go to work, you have a built-in purpose. That purpose may not fulfill your heart and spirit, but it’s a purpose just the same: a reason to get up and keep moving.

Retiring can work. Don’t get me wrong. But the people who retire early and make it work for their health and longevity are staying active. They’re pursuing side projects or even big visions. They have hobbies, friends, and loved ones who they hang out with all the time.

The ones who don’t? Well, they are at at increased risk of dying early.

You don’t have to keep working a job you hate, or even a job you enjoy. You can retire. Just maintain your mission.

5) “Take It Easy As You Get Older”

As older people, we’re told that sex might be “too strenuous for the heart” (Truth: It’s good for it). We’re told to “take the elevator to save our knees.” They tell us “Oh, don’t get up, I’ll get it for you.”

They don’t tell me that because, well, I’m already up and doing the thing. I’m active and obviously so. I don’t take it easy.

Stay vigorous, friends. Stay vivacious. Don’t be foolhardy, mind you. Be engaged.

“Take it easy” quickly becomes “sit in the easy chair all day long watching the news.” Don’t let it happen.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t rest. Rest is everything. Sleep is important. But you must earn your rest, and when you have the energy, take advantage of it. Don’t rest on your laurels.

As you can see, there are tiny kernels of truth in many of these myths. We should all be careful lifting heavy things and pay close attention to technique and form. Everyone should care for their cartilage and avoid damage to it. No one should continue working a job that sucks their soul and depletes their will to live if they can move on from it. And so on.

What we all need to avoid is sending the message to our brain, body, and cells that we’re done. That we’ve given up and our active, engaged life is effectively over. Because when that happens, it truly is over.

Someone asked me when aging begins. How old is “old”?

I think I know now. Aging begins when you start listening to conventional longevity advice. As I said on Twitter earlier today, healthy aging begins when you do the opposite.

Want more on building a life that will allow you to live well into later decades? I definitely have more on that coming up. A perceptive reader shared the news in one of the Facebook groups already, so let me mention it here. My new book, Keto For Life: Reset Your Biological Clock In 21 Days and Optimize Your Diet For Longevity, is coming out December 31, 2019. I’ll have more info, including a special bonus package for those who preorder, in just a few weeks. In the meantime, you can read more about it here on our publisher’s page.

That’s it for today, friends. Chime in down below about longevity or any other health topics you’re thinking about these days. What are the most egregious aging myths you’ve heard? What do you do instead? Take care.

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References:

Karlsen T, Nauman J, Dalen H, Langhammer A, Wisløff U. The Combined Association of Skeletal Muscle Strength and Physical Activity on Mortality in Older Women: The HUNT2 Study. Mayo Clin Proc. 2017;92(5):710-718.

Malta A, De oliveira JC, Ribeiro TA, et al. Low-protein diet in adult male rats has long-term effects on metabolism. J Endocrinol. 2014;221(2):285-95.

Carrillo E, Jimenez MA, Sanchez C, et al. Protein malnutrition impairs the immune response and influences the severity of infection in a hamster model of chronic visceral leishmaniasis. PLoS ONE. 2014;9(2):e89412.

Castaneda C, Charnley JM, Evans WJ, Crim MC. Elderly women accommodate to a low-protein diet with losses of body cell mass, muscle function, and immune response. Am J Clin Nutr. 1995;62(1):30-9.

Gaine PC, Pikosky MA, Martin WF, Bolster DR, Maresh CM, Rodriguez NR. Level of dietary protein impacts whole body protein turnover in trained males at rest. Metab Clin Exp. 2006;55(4):501-7.

Wu C, Odden MC, Fisher GG, Stawski RS. Association of retirement age with mortality: a population-based longitudinal study among older adults in the USA. J Epidemiol Community Health. 2016;70(9):917-23.

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