#you cant tell me these jerseys are sick as FUCK

[gu3ntzel]

mlb meme (4/~) favorite uniforms : st louis victory blues

[ohbo-ohno]

bo bo bo i am so glad you kinda sorta mentioned the asg bc i was definitely thinking of you the entire time as i watched the dogg make big fuckin' heart eyes at sid in front of god and gritty and everyone. threatening/bribing other teams not to draft sid??? calling getting him on his all-star team a dream come true???? saying he spent all night thinking about getting sid on his team???? some the fuck ON nathan have some decorum -391780

oh my god watching mackinnon and crosby talk about each other at the asg made me SICK!!!!!! they were literally GIGGLING!!!! did you see the interview sid did where he was wearing nate's jersey????????

(i typed this before realizing i was just repeating what you already said but-) mackinnon telling the other team captains not to draft sid?? auston matthews literally saying "well, nate said we can't take sid"?? sidney wearing nate's hoodie in an interview??? nate saying "my lifelong dreams have come true" talking about playing on the same team as sid??? and that's not even TOUCHING on how nate mackinnon said he thought it was "fate" that his hotel room for the playoffs (the year he won his first stanley cup) was 1787 (87 is sid's number)?? like oh my GOD how am i supposed to just go along with my day after this

i cant even with them

anyways!!! how very ghost and soap of them (with some personality shifts ofc....)

[oxooxxoooxxx]

like when u zoom out and actually take a look at the bigger picture rofl . the fact that i wasn’t even talking to this man at all really recently . and he messages me saying he’s watching me even after i had changed my camera password . im thinking im just alone in my house w my friend . im like no you’re not . there’s absolutely no way that’s possible . then he literally repeats to me in a message something i said out loud . literally watches me do hard drugs and fuck a random drug dealer in my bed . i feel sick thinking about it . i feel like i got raped . or let myself get raped . i let someone rape me for him so he could watch . he said "its my favorite thing youve ever done for me." he said "you have no idea the level of obsession youve unlocked from me." like i can’t even talk about how bad it was coming off of it . i was sobbing in the fetal position in the bathtub for 20 hours straight . whispering it’s ok to myself . im literally audibly and visually hallucinating for like three days afterwards . and so much stuff i still don’t know if it was real . i heard my cameras in the living room and the kitchen clicking on and off over and over for like 10 minutes straight while i was sitting at my desk. but then i thought later maybe it was just the fucking crackling noise on some rain and fireplace sound i had on the tv . i hallucinated for days straight that the discord icon for someone offline was subtly changing . rotating through variants of slightly different gray dots on an icon . that would subtly change when someone was actually off the app vs just invisible with discord open . which would subtly change to a different one when someone came back actually online . which seemed like it actually was kind of accurate because when it would “change” you’d usually start typing soon after . so this person takes this opportunity to like rekindle talking to me a lot bc im absolutely having a psychotic break and he stays with me to “take care of me” . but during that time also starts telling me ab all his problems w his real life girlfriend . like i don’t want to hear this fuckin shit . like get male friends u fucking disgustingly filthy jersey trash bisexual gutter whore . then on like the third day after when my brain is like 1% more stable just circles back and tells me he’s logged into all of my shit. he tells me he’s only doing it because he loves me too much . so that even when i try to leave him i can’t . so he can still see me . so he can still see inside of me . then he’s referencing things in my texts . like in my imessage . making little fucking references . i know he is . it doesn’t matter how crazy it sounds . that’s what these kind of ppl do to u . they make u sound crazy . they make u feel crazy . then once im more sober just goes back to his cycle of fucking his gf every weekend and only talking to me during the week . and leaving half the weeknights anyway . like it’s so far beyond gone bro . what power do i even have . to delete someone off discord. while they can still see everything . it’s fucking insane . it’s violating . i wanted him to fucking love me normally . not love bomb me and then gradually pull away while doing whatever the fuck he wants and compulsive lying about it but trying to manipulate me to still get whatever the fuck he wants out of me . why couldn’t i just have what i want just ONE time ? why would someone do this to someone ? i cant physically imagine what the fuck i could’ve ever done to attract that level of psychopathy other than literally being raised and horrifically abused by two psychotics . it’s just sick . and there’s no way out . because that’s what i attract . and worse, that’s what im atttacted to . that’s how i knew he loved me . that’s the ONLY way i knew . that level of devotion , obsession , addiction . i never wanted the pain . he pretended i wanted him to put me in pain . i wanted him to LOVE ME . i wanted you to fucking love me . and this is what you did . i just can’t take any more pain .

[ratatatastic]

you dont think it gets worse until you listen to senkos first presser held as a cat and then you cry again like youve stopped crying in the first place lmao

"Aaron Ekblad just said you skate here in the summer with the guys. Do you feel like you kind-of know them a little bit? Not only playing against them so many times, but just working out here in the offseason?" "Yeah, I knew some guys from the summers. I knew some guys from way long ago like Bob, and Niko Mikkola. They were always joking to me to come join them so it finally happened... And even in the summer when we skated here it seemed like a good group of guys. I'm excited to be a part of it."

"they were always joking to me to come join them so it finally happened" THE WAY HE HUFFS A LITTLE LAUGH AND CANT HELP SMILING THINKING ABOUT IT ABOUT ALL THE TIMES BOBBY AND MIKKSY MUSTVE ANNOYED HIM ABOUT IT

to know mikksy and bob were manifesting this so hard... they are nothing but teenage girls going wish you were here <3 while theyre in completely different countries GOD

to ALSO know on mikksy senko calls/texts this is what that goof was doing... going come join me here in florida like im gonna be sick SICK I TELL YOU RECRUITING HIS CRUSH AND IT ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKED WHAT IS THIS

"Skating around with Niko...How much—Did you talk to him before things? Or anything like that? He's only been here a year, but you guys have obviously been together for a while." "Yeah, I talked to him after games, and he just shared his thoughts on the group—How good the group is and how much he enjoys his time here. We played together in St. Louis for like 4 years...I was happy to see him again this morning."

youre telling me mikksy and senko kept up regular correspondence after games and mikksy just kept splurging about how much he loved his new fambily and his new home to senko...he was new to the cats and he still did that...

"i was happy to see him again this morning :)" being run over by a 18 wheeler would literally be less painful than this

also senkos lips twitch the second george richards says "niko" like he was poised to say something but waited until he finished his question and i think thats something we should talk about

philadelphia flyers @ florida panthers pregame interview | 3.7.24 (x)

very obvious how much they enjoyed sharing ice again during morning skate the yearning was so palpable how i keep finding footage of it is genuinely beyond me (x)

GIRL STOP LOOKING AT HIM AND SMILING YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF PRACTISE

senko is also not immune to mikksy "i was happy to see him again this morning" yeah no i couldnt surmise that at all it actually wasnt supremely obvious from the way you find excuses to touch him

you can just tell the minute he sees mikksy in his vicinity hes already made up his mind to go over to him like he cant keep fighting the magnets stuck in his jersey that makes him float over to mikksy...

patting his elbow in encouragement during drills....looking back in longing desire...girls we are in public can we tone it down you are at an 11 i need you to take it down to a 2 🫳

and may we find each other again just like we did before

[izukult]

what they get you / what kind of gift they get you for valentine’s day :D

idc ab valentine’s day whether i have a partner or not but i would geek ab it for these mfs

warnings: swearing!! fluff 🤢

characters: hinata, kageyama, oikawa, suga, tsukishima, bokuto, akaashi, iwaizumi, matsukawa, atsumu

hinata shoyo ♡

this ray of absolute sunshine would see smth from tiktok and be like: yup. perfect. he’d get you like the chocolate box of crystals !! and be like “look at how pretty they are- this one looks like my hair!” and he also gets you some homemade ring from etsy and makes this big deal ab how “HES NOT PROPOSING BUT HE WOULD BUT LIKE- LATER ON BUT HES NOT PROPOSING AT ALL ITS JUST A PRETTY RING” he gives me secondhand embarrassment sometimes. really tho gets so giddy seeing you wear anything he buys you and if anyone ever compliments the ring he loves hearing you say “thanks! my boyfriend got it for me for valentines:)”

kageyama tobio ♡

he gives you this ratty ass old ass volleyball and you are trying your best to give him a convincing smile, but you’re really, really confused? it wasn’t the fact that it was volleyball related, it was just the fact it was so old. he rolls his eyes and turns it in your hands to show the tape on the other side of it. ‘kageyama t. grade 4’ MF GAVE YOU HIS FIRST FUCKING VOLLEYBALL PLSSSS that’s so goddamn cute i’m gonna throw up. you cried idc

oikawa tooru ♡

oikawa tooru is an overcompensating bastard man. no matter what he’s doing, he feels the need to prove himself. he kind of goes too hard for valentines LMAO. flowers and chocolates? yea. a teddy bear? i wouldn’t be surprised. a jersey? you betcha. romantic picnic at night? if you want. a playlist? probably. a necklace? maybe so. your favorite part, though, is the little note he writes you talking about how grateful he is for you that he slipped in your (his) jacket pocket at the end of the night. neither of you bring it up tho- bc emotions 🤢

sugawara koushi ♡

old fashion sweetheart i sure do love this man. i’m sorry to be so vague for this one, but his gift is definitely some very niche, partially homemade idea of some inside joke of yours. he wants you to know it’s personal to him, that he really put a lot of thought into your gift and that he loves you. a cute little stay at home kinda date, and you two make dinner together as you listen to your favorite playlists and laugh. very good fella. love him sm.

tsukishima kei ♡

his gift is that he doesn’t insult u all day😁🤝 no. no it’s not. he still insults you you’re not fucking dying why wouldn’t he? he burns you a cd and then realizes that’s kinda not cool and so he just makes you a playlist. actually explains the reason for each song (not verbally, though) and he brings u strawberry short cake bc he is convinced it’s the pinnacle of desserts he does not care if you like smth more take the gesture.

bokuto kotaro ♡

this lil dummy is so doting. starts your day off by bringing you your favorite coffee or tea and a lil kiss. he buys you guys something matching LMAO like maybe some bracelets or smth and while i am not a big “matching” fanatic and i don’t think bokuto would necessarily be an avid bracelet wearer, but he will not take that bracelet off unless it’s like a tournament game. definitely takes you out to some fancy dinner and also probably gets you kicked out of the restaurant

akaashi keiji ♡

akaashi is very down to earth. so, he knows what you’re going to want. he also knows what he wants to give you. so let’s say you’re really really into smth he rly rly hates, he’ll listen to you talk about it absolutely, but he might not spend money on it? in his eyes, the gift would be just like your relationship— a mutual understanding where two separate people come together. i cant say what it would be specifically (i’m sorry D: if u want my generic answer it would be: a lamp), but it definitely is a representation of what the two of you are together.

iwaizumi hajime ♡

he gives you something disgustingly meaningful. like the kind of nice that makes you want to gag yknow? but you don’t really know how meaningful it is at first?? he gives you like this little “photo book” esque thing, and you KNOW oikawa gave him the idea LMAO. it’s already so cute but at the end there’s just a little piece of paper with a day on it and you’re like what? and he shrugs and goes “wonder what that is? hmm” and you know he’s teasing u so u kinda joke ab it but he won’t tell u. then at the end of your date when he’s dropping you home he kisses you and he’s like “oh yea, that paper??” and you’re like omg yes finally and he looks so nonchalant when he says “yea, kinda weird that i remember this, but that’s the day i fell in love with you🤢” and he nods and laughs and you’re just Staring. you are STARING loss for words but he fucking leaves before you can ask him ab it. this made me physically sick to write bye

matsukawa issei ♡

simpleton scrub. buys you a gag gift or pretends he doesn’t remember. starts breaking out laughing when you try to hide ur disappointed look (it’s ok to punch ppl sometimes😁‼️). his real gift is kinda cliche, but i feel like he really has no idea what he’s doing for like actual relationships even if he tries to hide it. he just gets you like one of those rectangle bar necklace, and he does get his initials on it bc he’s kind of a braggy fuck, but he only does it on one side so you can choose whether to show it or not.

miya atsumu ♡

this man is absolutely a perfectionist. he is so loving, absolutely, but he’s also kind of immature? so, he’s a little nervous to give you a gift because what if yours isn’t as good. LMAO it sounds rude, but he always wants to be pushed to be better and do better, and even tho this is a declaration of affection, he can’t help but attaching competition? so he buys you two gifts- a mediocre one and what he thinks is really good. the mediocre one is just like a stuffed animal and the really good one is personalized, and well thought out, and it just Screams that he loves you. it definitely centers on a passion of yours so i can’t get like a specific example but if you play guitar he like bought you a fucking case youve wanted for months kinda vibe LMAO. also, truth be told, bc he’s a sucker for you, no matter what u get him he’s gonna give u the “mediocre” gift and the other one as well.

[winterromanov]

Maybe a college Bucky one where he’s being playing games out of town, and trying to study for exams and he’s just so tired but trying to keep going and reader makes him nap and relax and it’s just very Soft ☺️

pairing: bucky x reader (set in the same universe as this fic)

Trying to play football and also be a competent college student is an Incredibly Difficult Feat. You know this, because watching Bucky vault himself from away games to home games to mid terms to finals is about the most exhausting thing you’ve ever seen. If he’s not studying he’s at practice, and if he’s not playing he’s in an exam. It’s like watching a manic, sleep-deprived whirlwind, living almost entirely off coffee and takeout noodles.

He’s not taking care of himself. He’s pushing and pushing and pushing, trying not to let anybody down--as if he could ever do that.

“You don’t have anything to prove,” you say, as he crashes face-down on the bed in your dorm, the night before he leaves to play a game at Harvard and minutes after his Cold War history deadline. You’ve not seen him eat anything the last twenty-four hours. “Look--you won the last game. Steve said you could sit this one out.”

A vague mumbling comes from your bed. His face is smothered by the pillow and he’s too exhausted to even turn over, so you poke his ass with your foot. His hand reaches out, reflexes still ridiculously quick, pulling you onto the bed with him.

“Sorry, love,” you smirk, curling as close to him as your tiny mattress will allow. His arm pulls you close to his waist, palm splayed across your back. His heartbeat is unrelenting beneath his shirt, thudding between you. “Didn’t quite hear that one.”

His head shifts so you’re basically nose-to-nose, his grin sleepy and delirious. He’s gonna pass out any second. You’ve seen it many, many times before in the last hectic few weeks--you’re probably gonna see it a few more. “I’ll be fine after nap. Promise.”

“Don’t you dare fall asleep before I can force a pizza down you,” you warn, and he laughs, deliberately snuggling into the pillow and letting his eyes flicker closed. You can’t resist--running your hand through his hair, along his face. Kiss his forehead. “Goddamn it, Buck. You’re making it very difficult for me to look after you.”

“You being here is enough,” he says softly and before you have chance to reply he’s gone, lost in some dream. You slowly creep out of his embrace, making the pizza for him anyway. By the time you wake up the next day his body is a phantom shape in your bed but the pizza is gone--he’s left you a bright pink post-it note on the plate. Scribbled in his usual scrawl are the words thank you always favourite girl.

-

we won!!! harvard ain’t better than us at FOOTBALL

wish u could have been there

renaissance lit is being a bitch :(( well done you STAR. miss you more every moment so get back quick

should i hijack the bus and speed down the freeway

if you must

consider it done

love you

love you more than anything

-

The next game is thankfully a home one against Yale so you can at least keep an eye on him--you’re just protective, that’s all, not wanting him to burn out in front of you. There’s a lot of gym sessions and library cramming and a grand total of one dinner date at his apartment, where you made a pasta dish with as many vegetables as you could think of in as possible (his mom had sent you a message afterwards with immense gratitude because her son needed his greens, damn it). The following evening you’d wrapped yourself in one of his jerseys and sat in the bleachers alongside an injured Sam--injured and bitter about it--and waited in the lights and the noise for the game to begin.

“Bucky tells me you’re worried about him,” Sam interjects rather suddenly and when you blink back, he shrugs his non-injured shoulder nonchalantly. “Not that I blame you. That dude just doesn’t let up, does he?”

“You could say that,” you reply, shivering a little. The November air is cold, even wearing Bucky’s sweater. “He keeps telling me the season will be over before long, but I...I don’t want that to be a couple of weeks too much for him, you know?”

Sam hums thoughtfully. Around you, the crowd practically fizzes with excitement, covered with facepaint and aggressively chanting team songs at the opposing side. You’d never been to a college football game before you started dating one of the team’s star players, but you have to admit, the atmosphere is kinda addictive. Watching Bucky play is kinda addictive.

“If I know Bucky, and boy do I know him,” Sam eventually replies, squeezing up closer to you as more people gather into your stand. A girl is openly staring at you both--it doesn’t happen that often, but more so at games. People know Bucky, and Sam, so people know you. “He’ll get through this all okay. He always does, (Y/N). I’d been pretty damn surprised if he doesn’t make captain next year.”

You stare at the bright, clean grass of the field, and think of a boy so fucking exhausted from trying to balance his life that he can barely function half the time. Bucky would be an awesome captain. You just don’t want him to become a dead firework because of it.

-

The game ends up being pretty close but Yale just snatch the victory. It doesn’t mean that they can’t win the season, but. Bucky makes his way over to your stand at the end of the game like he always does, taking off his helmet and mouthguard. He also looks extremely deflated, like he always does when they lose.

“It’s okay,” you say, taking his face in your hands. He looks angry at himself. And you know what he’s thinking. I should have pushed harder. “Shit happens. You were still amazing.”

He kisses you over the barrier in a display of affection you were once too shy to give away in public, but you need him as much as he needs you. When you break apart you plant a chaste, gentle peck on his jawline, running your thumb over the shadow. 

“You two make me sick,” Sam interrupts the moment, arms folded. Bucky flips him off while smiling sweetly and you can’t help but laugh. “Honestly. Didn’t ask to be violated, but here we are.”

“Payback for every single time I’ve walked in on you doing unspeakable things with the girl from the top floor on our kitchen counter.” Bucky snaps back teasingly. You like watching the banter unfold between the two of them. You’d be worried if Bucky and Sam weren’t taking the piss at every given opportunity.

Sam gestures pointedly at his injured right shoulder. “I cannot believe you’d treat a fallen comrade like that. I’m disgusted.”

“And so was I when I saw the state of the kitchen counter.” Bucky gives you one last kiss, clutching your hand. “See you after I hit the showers, yeah?”

“I’ll be waiting.” Your promise him, and his eyes glow just a little brighter.

-

When Bucky facetimes you from Brown the very next week, he looks like he hasn’t slept for at least three days. His Ancient Chinese history exam is literally a day after he arrives back from the trip and he’s frantically cramming in his hotel room in Rhode Island, while also trying not to fuck up the team’s chances of winning the season.

“Just one more game after this,” his grainy voice says on the other end of the video feed, head lolling against the headboard of his Holiday Inn bed. You wish he was in your bed. God, you wish he was in your bed. “And the season is over and I don’t have to be away from you ever again.”

“I don’t think your mom would like it if I stole you away for Thanksgiving.” You joke, tongue poking between your teeth. His lips curve, half a laugh escaping from his chest.

“That’s why she personally invited you to stay with us for the holidays. She’s worried you might sneak in there first and drag me to Virginia. She already knows I’d go wherever you go.”

Your smile is kinda wistful. “Except when you go to Rhode Island.”

“Except when I go to Rhode Island.” He repeats, sighing dramatically. He rubs one of his tired eyes. “Ugh. Who thought coinciding pre-Thanksgiving exams and football season was a good idea, huh?”

“I have no idea, but I’m prepared to have words with them.” You tilt your head. “Don’t work too hard, yeah? It’s one exam. It’ll all be okay in the end.”

“I know, I know.”

You want to keep talking, on and on until the early hours like you do sometimes, because time is apparently not real when you and Bucky are on the phone together. But he needs sleep, and you need sleep, and occasionally you’ll do things for the greater good. “Good luck for tomorrow. Brown won’t know what’s hit ‘em.”

“They better not,” he jokes, “Will you be live-streaming the game?”

As if you wouldn’t. You can’t pretend that you always know what’s going on or any of the rules, but you always try to watch him if you can. He’d do the same for you, over and over and over. “Already got the tab open on my laptop and everything.”

Bucky’s grin is near effervescent, even through your patchy wifi connection. “I love you more than anything, you know that?”

“I may have had an inkling.”

-

hello y/n 

HELLLOOOOO

u know brown are the best losers because they lose and give you TEQUILA

omg are you drunk

never been DRUNK IN MY LIFE!!!! but im at this cool party and stEv e has found a girl and i miss u

i miss u so much . and like i just do generally 

whenever ur not ar oUnd 

oh sweet boy. you are very drunk.

im serious though

sometimes i think about how much i love you and it scares me

because then i th ink what it would be like if you wreent there 

and that makes me so fucking sad i cant breathe

y/n

y/n ???????????????

hellooo 

have u gone to bed

no, just messaging steve to make sure he gets you back safe. im not going anywhere. just please please look after yourself. love you always

-

“I’m sorry about those messages I sent you last night.”

You grab him in the tightest hug possible, his hold all still hanging off his arm, rain spattering down from dark clouds outside his apartment block. You hold him for at least ten years, you reckon, because the thought of him being so fucking sad he can’t breathe makes you so fucking sad you can’t breathe.

“You’re a terrible drunk who says things that make me emotional.” You laugh tearfully into his sweater and he grips you even harder, if possible. The shards of glass jabbed between your ribs start to dissolve as you inhale every single part of him.

“I know, sweetheart,” he murmurs, “I know.”

-

His last game is the day of your renaissance literature exam and for once you’ve been the one not eating and relying on caffeine, anxiety lingering round your jittery bones like an irritating ghost. Your interactions with Bucky are a battle between you wishing him aggressive luck for what could be the winning game while he equally aggressively says your exam will go fine, they always go fine, it’s an easy A for sure. 

Your exam isn’t until the afternoon so you spend the morning pacing about your bedroom looking at a sporadic mess of post-it notes on your wall declaring quotes and context that you hope will just stick in your brain. When Lizzie from down the hall says there’s a package for you you don’t actually think much of it, too busy to deal with something you’ve probably forgotten you ordered from Amazon--but she makes some comment about how fancy it is, wrapped up in striped paper.

Your name is in print across the front so it doesn’t leave a clue on the sender, but as soon as you rip into it and find a bundle of things nestled between tissue paper, you know instantly. It’s kind of embarrassing you didn’t click sooner. 

Dear Y/N - you’ll ace it, favourite gal. 

You try not to break down in sleep-deprived and emotional tears as you pull out a brand new sweater in your favourite shade of burgundy, a vintage copy of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, three different kind of Hershey’s bars and a dumb little teddy bear wearing your college jersey. He’s sent you a fucking care package. He’s away at Princeton, and he’s sent you a care package, because exams drive you crazy and he’s just... Well, he’s Bucky.

-

i got your present

have i ever mentioned that i love you

i may have had an inkling

-

He doesn’t really leave you a choice, does he? Besides, the game is only at Princeton, and if you catch the train the moment you escape the uneasy warmth of a crowded exam hall you should be able to get there in time. 

You’ve never been to Princeton stadium before, but you grab one of the last tickets available and rush onto their crowded bleachers just before the game is about to begin. The lights are heady, the atmosphere is electric, and you’re about to watch the man you lovingly, completely, unrelentingly call your own play the game he loves almost as much as you at a stadium forty miles from home. 

hey steve, you text his closest friend, hoping he’ll see it, get buck to look at the front of the stairs near block d when you come out

y/n if this is what i think it means he’s going to lose his goddamn mind

:)

When the team runs out you notice the number five on his jersey straight away, a constant fleeting image in your head from the countless games you’ve seen him play. Even from a distance, Steve’s eyes catch your own and his arm starts gesturing violently in your direction, Bucky taking a couple of moments to catch on.

It’s a good job the game isn’t due to start for a few more minutes, because absolutely nothing can stop him from automatically sprinting to your side of the field and kissing you senseless, cameras and crowds be damned.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he says on a dizzy outtake of breath.

“Couldn’t miss the last game of the season, could I?” You gently push his chest, urging him to go back to his team. “And neither can you. Go back to them. I’ll be waiting.”

He steals your lips for one more second, giddy and pumped full of adrenaline. “I really lucked out the day I met you, didn’t I?”

His mouth is hot. Hot. Unmistakable. Real. Always, always real. “Not as lucky as me.”

my masterlist

send me a request

[your-anxious-nightmare]

Sneaking Out

Summary: Fictober prompt 7) “No, and that’s final” or Patton sneaks out to go to a party. Word Count: 1533 Warnings: Panic attack kinda? He has a medical attack which presents as very anxiety-like

“Please, Dad? I’ll do the dishes for a month and I’ll take out the trash and I’ll walk to school and I won’t ask for a puppy again, please let me go?” Patton pleads, following his father through the house as he cleans up. 

“No, and that’s final.” He turns to look at his son, lips drawn into a stern line and eyes hard over his half-circle glasses.

“But dad-”

“No Patton, you’re not going to that party. You have no idea who or what could be there and I’m not letting you get hurt. You will stay home and you will stop asking.” Emile huffs, dropping the washing basket on the kitchen table and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Patton, I love you, you know I do, that’s why I can’t let you go. You could have an attack and no one will know how to help. Maybe next year, if things are looking better, you can go. But for now, it’s too dangerous.” 

“I get it, dad. I’m sorry for bugging you.” Patton runs up the stairs before his father can stop him, slamming his door and falling onto his bed with a loud sigh. 

PATstel: sorry v, pops said I cant go

Virgie: But it’s the biggest party EVER and we actually got invited this year! We don’t get invited to anything. You have to come!!! PATstel: Tell that to dad, he said I'm still too sick

Virgie:  …            So we sneak you out.

PATstel: What? No!

Virgie: Yes. Be ready at 9.

Virgil’s right, the Crowne Twins’ Halloween party is the school district’s biggest event and it’s by invitation only, you have to be important to get in. The fact that Virgil, the quiet nerd at the front of the class, and Patton, the sick artist, got invited at all is huge. He can’t pass that up, no matter what his father says. 

Patton turns on his radio, blasting his art playlist and starts to gather his things, stuffing medication and supplies into a book bag as he finds his costume. He was going as Peter Pan both because costumes were required and because it was one he already owned after cosplaying him a year prior. 

He pinned his hair with bobby pins and wrapped vines through the metal, lining his eyes and drawing leafy patterns along his cheekbones. That was effort enough, with his shaking hands, so he pulls on the outfit and laces his shoes, sitting in the window as he watches the clock tick down. 

At exactly 9 pm a small ping hits the window, shocking Patton out of his music-induced stupor. Patton turns to see Virgil standing beneath the big tree, waving excitedly in his vampire outfit. Taking a deep breath, the smaller teen opens the window, throwing his bag into Virgil’s arms and climbing onto the window sill. With a lot of shimmying and a few loud squeaks, he successfully closes the window again and climbs down the old fire escape ladder that really should have been taken down by now. 

His feet safely touch the ground again and Virgil hands him his bag, letting him catch his breath before they set off for the Crowne’s house. It was only a five-minute walk for any normal person, but Virgil’s in heels and Patton is sick so it ends up being more like a 20 minutes walk with a two minute stop for Pat to take his meds. 

“Okay, we stick together the whole time, no alcohol, no drugs, if it’s too much or you feel an episode we leave immediately,” Virgil instructs, pulling his cape hood down so he can see as they near the house, already accosted by the loud music and yells of various party-goers. 

Virgil gives the invitations to the bouncer, there’s a bouncer omg virge, and they enter the mansion, both overwhelmed by the bright lights and multitude of bodies. Virgil grabs Patton’s hand and pulls him to where he can see the makeshift bar. 

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” Patton mumbles, taking a cup of juice and leaning next to his friend as they scan the crowd for anyone they recognise. Everyone is in costume, from creepy to cute to ‘are you even in clothes?’ and it's incredible to see so much creativity in one place. 

“Oh hey, you made it!” A voice shouts from beside Virgil, sending the boy into Patton’s arms in fright. Beside him stands a teen made up to look like a decomposing body, complete with exposed cheekbones and peeling flesh. Remus Crowne, the school’s golden boy, complete with his football jersey and classic smirk. 

“Yeah, uh, we did. I love the-the costume.” Virgil stammers, righting himself and brushing imaginary dirt off his blouse. Remus was the one to invite the pair after he and Virgil had been paired up for a history project and found that they actually got along rather well. 

“Thanks, man. Oh hey, you gotta check this out. Deck did this sick snake makeup and I think you’d love it.” Before Patton can say anything, Remus grabs Virgil’s hand and drags him away, leaving the teen alone in a crowd of strangers. 

The music got louder, the lights got brighter and soon Patton found himself unable to breathe and shaking harder than ever. 

Two figures enter the house through the backdoor, both dressed in ripped black denim and studded jackets, both with fixed glares and craving alcohol. They part the crowd as they make their way to the makeshift bar, neither glancing at the various looks they gain from fellow students. 

The first, a teen dressed in a blood-red shirt with studded knee-high boots, reaches the bar first, taking a swig of vodka straight from the bottle before handing it to his friend. The second teen, wearing a blue jacket so dark it’s almost black and thick sunglasses takes his own drink before sitting atop the counter, looking around the room and making various comments to the other. 

A crash next to them catches their attention, the teen in red pushing past a couple with their tongues in each other's mouths to find a boy curled up on the floor, grasping at his chest and gasping for air. 

“Logan!” He shouts, dropping to his knees in front of the boy and trying to get his attention. “Hey, kid, I’m gonna put my hand on your shoulders and sit you up okay?” He waits for what he assumes is a nod of agreement before moving the boy to lean against the bar;’s front. 

“Roman, here.” Logan passes an ice cube to the denim-clad teen, who in turn puts it in the boy’s hand and waits for him to snap out of his own mind. 

“Hey, we just wanna help. Are you having a panic attack?” Roman asks slowly, locking eyes with him and keeping his hands loose on his shoulders. The boy shakes his head repeatedly, left hand flexing its grasp on his shirt before jerkily letting go to point at his bag which had fallen on the floor next to him. 

Logan opens the bag, finding the pile of medication inside and quickly sifting through it all. 

“Patton?” The boy nodded, struggling to breathe, “okay, you will need to point at what you require, I do not know what half of these do and I do not want to give you the wrong thing.” 

“Wait, Patton? Sinclair?” Roman asks, before looking back to his friend, “he needs the blue one and the inhaler.” Logan obliges hesitantly, watching as Roman takes one of the pills and helps Patton swallow it with a glass of water before helping him with the inhaler, rubbing his shoulder lightly as it kicks in, oxygen finally entering his lungs normally. 

“Thank you,” he mumbles, hands finally go of his shirt and dropping into his lap. “How did you know?” 

“I’m in your math class. I don’t normally turn up but I was there a couple of months ago when you had an episode and the teacher gave you those. You looked the same as back then so I figured it was the same sort of thing.” He shrugs, helping the boy stand again as Logan gives him his bag. 

“You know, you’re pretty nice for a punk.” Patton smiles, looking between the two teens who easily stand at a foot taller than he does. 

“Punk is about fucking with the law, not the innocent people it fucked with.” Roman smirks, leaning back against the bar. “And possibly fucking the people by that look, Logan what the fuck?” Patton turns to see Logan staring across the room at Virgil who has now stripped off his cloak and is in a torn blouse and mini-shorts with fishnet tights. 

“Apologies, it appears I was distracted for a moment.” he coughs lightly, a blush rising to his cheeks. 

“That's my friend Virgil, he got kidnapped by Remus earlier, that's why I was alone. I could introduce you? As a thank you for helping me.” Logan stammers at the offer, unable to refuse as Patton takes his hand, grabbing Roman’s as well and dragging them over to his friend.

[disloopy]

remedy for a broken heart

nafla

genre: angst

word count: 1.9k

anon:  Hi! So can I ask for some really emotional angst with Nafla? After break up [...] He tried to forget her and live as nothing much happened but everything reminds him of her and he just cant stand it. [...] Thank you in advance Sweetie! <3

                                                        i mean, i’m better than better, maybe i’m lying

it was times like this that nicholas would wish that the human heart weren’t so capable of feeling things; feeling every single thing in their complicated entirety. after landing in the lax airport, out of all the faces of loyal fans, he saw you. he recalled how you’d always stand there and wait for him, a bright smile on our face as you led him to your car separate from the others. 

it hadn’t been like that for a while.

his girlfriend’s arms wrapped his neck as she made a scene in front of the fans to take pictures of. “Mina, I told you my back is hurting,” Nicholas whined, shrugging her off and she giggled, waving to the fans.

“Just having fun, babe.”

After some album signing and picture taking, the crew managed to make it out of the airport and into their two vans. “This vacation is gonna be lit,” Jinyoung remarked, sprawling across his seat to relax his limbs. It was going to be a long car ride to Daniel’s rented villa.

Jinyoung might have thought it was “lit” but Nicholas knew all too well that being in his hometown after a whole year would only bring forth painfully suppressed memories. He looked out the window, only to realize that not even a year could change what he saw.

“Babe! Are you sleeping?”

Nicholas’s eyes fluttered open as he shook his head quickly. “No, I just blinked, that’s all.” You laughed and hit him playfully.

“Don’t sleep, ok? We’re almost there.”

He smiled, your excitement at arriving at the new house drawing his full attention. It was a big deal to you - as it was to him - but this was a really big step in the relationship and Nicholas thought it seemed suitable; a place of comfort, peace, and security that was both of yours to share.

As soon as the driver parked the car, you grabbed Nicholas’s hand and pulled him to the elevator as it rose up 4 floors to where the apartment was located - a safe middle ground between the eight total floors of the building.

Your knock was almost instantly answered by the door opening and everyone yelling “surprise!” The small but comfy living room was occupied by Jinyoung, Daniel, Owen, Niel, along with your two friends, Sana and Nancy (fuck making up names sskfh).

Both of you looked around in awe at the furnished apartment. “Guys, this is amazing!” You said, smiling widely and proceeding to hug everyone for their successful attempt at surprising you two with a house worth living in.

Nicholas couldn’t hide his happiness at everything he saw. This was definitely the best part - a house all his - and of course, yours too.

“Do you like the furniture?” asked Daniel, walking over to where you stood. “I made sure to get everything matching, like you asked.”

“I love it,” you said, hugging daniel tightly. What Nicholas loved more than the house though was how happy you looked standing in it. He couldn’t have asked for a better sight to see.

“And here are the keys,” said Jinyoung, handing the silver keys to you and giving Nicholas a brotherly hug. Nicholas chuckled as you looked like a child with candy staring down at the keys.

“We’ll leave you guys to it then,” said Nancy as everyone began to head out the door. “Have fun in your new house.”

“But not too much fun,” Sana added with a wink.

Nicholas felt a strong arm on his shoulder that pulled him out of his thoughts. “You ok, man?” asked Daniel. Concerned faces of Jinyoung and Mina sitting up front stared back at him.

He looked up just in time to see the apartment building - now all abandoned - zoom past and thought maybe things did change. In fact, nothing was the same now as it was a year ago.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

The crew didn’t have much planned for the trip - since it was a vacation, after all. It was just the next day’s schedule that they would have a mini-concert for the fans they hadn’t seen in almost a year.

Seeing as the event wasn’t supposed to be too professional, Nicholas was pretty prepared for it. Or so he thought he was. That is, until his eyes found yours in front of him. You weren’t standing in the crowd but instead sitting with some of your friends around the refreshments table. You were watching him.

You presence in general caused Nicholas to stutter and his mind went blank, forgetting the lyrics completely. The fans laughed in good nature, chanting the lyrics and pulling Nicholas back into the moment.

“Sorry!” He exclaimed, trying to avoid looking at you again. “I’m sorry, let’s play the song again?” He turned to the DJ who nodded at his request. She began to replay the song while the others exchanged knowing glances.

Once the concert had been wrapped up, Nicholas gathered the other boys behind stage. “Did you guys know about... shit, don’t tell me you guys knew?” Everyone lowered their heads, sporting somewhat guilty expressions and Nicholas felt sick. The thought of you texting his friends put him at unease, especially considering the fact that you had completely cut him off after everything that happened.

“She texted saying she knew about the concert,” explained Jinyoung, scratching his eyebrow. “I couldn’t tell her she’s not allowed to come.” Nicholas’s friends always stood by you, and even sided with you to this day.

Nicholas paused. “She blocked my number.” No one spoke, unsure of what to say in comfort or assurance. Then a cheerful Mina came along, causing them all to disperse.

“Uh, what’s up with them?” she asked, glancing in their direction. “I swear they really hate me.”

“They don’t hate you, babe,” Nicholas told her truthfully. “They love you just as much as I do.” Mina smiled shyly. Her smile used to be the one thing that diminished thoughts of you and Nicholas wished that this time too it would make him forget about you.

As the fans began to walk back to their vehicles, Nicholas couldn’t help but keep glancing over his shoulder at you who were laughing with your friends. You seemed happy - happier than Nicholas expected you’d be. 

He even saw you talking to Daniel. He wished he had enough courage to do the same but he felt his knees go weak as you hugged Daniel tightly, widening your eyes at how much he must have changed over the year. Nicholas wished you could see how much he himself had changed, perhaps you might want to forgive him.

While sitting in the car, waiting for the driver, Mina said, “I saw you mess up on stage.”

“That’s embarrassing.”

“My babyyy, what’s got you so stressed?” She cooed, cupping Nicholas’s cheeks and forced him to tear his eyes away from his phone, where he was hoping for a text from you, maybe Daniel had given you his new number. “Maybe you should talk to her.”

Nicholas found himself pulled into the conversation. “To who?”

Mina sighed with a small smile. “You know who I’m talking about... Y/N... I knew she have come to the concert today.”

“Babe, first of all, don’t concern yourself with this,” said Nicholas, pushing her hair behind her ear. “it really doesn’t matter to me, so it shouldn’t matter to you.”

“But you seem upset... I don’t like it when you’re like this.”

Nicholas hushed her with a light kiss. “Shh... I’m fine.”

The next morning was a lazy one. Sunday mornings are all the same, wherein Nicholas’s body refused to move, staying glued to the bed. He reached over, shaking Mina’s shoulder.

“You awake?”

Mina clicked her tongue in annoyance, rubbing her puffy eyes. “I am now... what is it?”

“Nothing... I just wanted to kiss.”

“Nickkk...” Mina whined, rolling her eyes playfully as Nicholas held her chin with his thumb. “Why do you make my life so hard?” She pushed him away until he was lying down and straddled his waist. “But how can I refuse such a pleasant offer?”

Nicholas was awoken to the loud sound of something falling and he shot up, scared for a moment until he saw you and relaxed. “Sorry, I was looking for my bag,” you said apologetically while picking up the stuff you had dropped.

He sighed affectionately, watching you. The sight of you in his large red jersey accompanied with a pair of leggings and fluffy socks never ceased to arouse him and he didn’t even want to think of how early it was in the morning.

“Leaving for college?”

“Mhm.”

“Without serving me breakfast in bed?”

You scoffed, rummaging around for an ironed blouse appropriate for the day. “Make it yourself, I’m not your wife.”

“Yet,” Nicholas teased, earning a flustered glare from you. “What I meant by breakfast is that you bring your ass over here and let me kiss you goodbye.” You raised your eyebrows but Nicholas knew well that you wouldn’t leave without giving him what you wanted.

“Just one,” you said, climbing onto the bed, reaching down to bring his face close to yours, and pressed your lips against his. Nicholas pulled you down, lying you across the bed before smiling cheekily as he hovered over you, kissing you once more.

“Nick...”

With a blink, Nicholas realized he was not kissing you but rather it was Mina’s lips that had tasted like yours for a fleeting moment that left the nostalgia suffocating him.

Mina sighed, pushing him off and proceeding to put her shirt back on and Nicholas covered his bare body with the blanket. “Are... you thinking of someone else?” she asked, crossing her arms across her chest while shivering.

“No, of course not, babe, why would you think that?”

“You’ve been so out of it, lately... ever since we got to America, you’ve been acting so weird.”

Nicholas felt ashamed he had been so transparent that even she had seen through him. “It’s just been weird to be back after so long.” Mina’s face fell and he knew she was unconvinced. Nicholas tried reaching for her but she moved away.

“Are you serious, Mina? So you can talk on about how hot every white boy here is but if I’m slightly distracted, I’m the bad guy?”

Mina blew air out of her cheeks. “It’s not just any random girl... you’re thinking of her, aren’t you? Y/N... she’s your ex, someone you were very attached to... someone you never really broke up with.”

“Babe, don’t talk about this like you were there,” said Nicholas in irritation. “I did love her and of course I do sometimes think of her but this isn’t about her... now take this off, you ruined the mood.” For a second, Mina seemed to comply with him trying to take off her shirt but then she pulled away.

“Babe... you’re not lying to me, right?”

“Of course not.”

“Cause I can’t be her for you.”

“I don’t need you to be.”

“You’re not over her,” said Mina, on the verge of tears. Nicholas could not stand her crying. “You miss her, you think of her... even when you’re with me.”

“Come on, tell me you’ve never thought of an ex before?” Nicholas tried to explain.

“Not like you,” she said quietly. “I love you, Nicholas, and I only want good things for you. But I really can’t do this any more.” She began to put on her clothes and Nicholas tried to stop her but his words were no use against her. She felt betrayed and had made up her mind. Nicholas was just confused as to how she had been able to decipher her thoughts better than he himself could.

a/n. dw there’s gonna be a pt.2

[mattyslittleworld]

love doesn't mean it'll last

I went for a walk a few hours ago to listen to some music. I got caught in a thunder storm, hiding like Tom Hanks with a volley ball, under some hangover at a school near my crib. I had to sit there for mad long. A cop drove behind it and asked if I had a warrant, wanted my name and address and all this shit I was like you’re bugging. Then drove away without giving me a ride back home like a typical trash middletown cop. But I was forced to sit down and listen to music and relax, it was actually amazing. I listened to The National’s new record Sleep Well Beast. I listened to City and Colour’s new live album. Ben Howard records. Owen’s cover of American Footballs “Never Meant”. I know from my IG and the public perception im very heavily into Hip Hop and shit but I don’t think anything can touch my heart soul and interest level like these records and artists do. Indie / Folk music really cuts deep. Some of my favorite bands are Thursday, Death Cab For Cutie, The Postal Service, Bright Eyes, Elliot Smith, Dylan, all that shit. I came up on that shit. Bands like Mae, or even Metalcore that crossed over into clean jazz parts like Misery Signals and 7 angels 7 plagues. Their piano ballad jhazmynes lullaby changed my life and I got that name tattooed on the tops of my wrists. I think that was the first time I realized you can be into hardcore, create hardcore, have the stereotypical lifestyle and look, but still be emotional. They’d go from the heaviest breakdowns right into clean pedals delay and beautiful soundscapes that you could really get lost in on a night like tonight stranded out to sea. 2 nights ago Albee played his first show back in New Jersey since the D.A. unbanned him. It was crazy. I pulled up solo and met up with them and it was crazy to see how many people fuck with that dudes movement. It was also crazy to see how famous and embraced Fetty Wap is. He was mad cool. Anyone who’s family to Belv is family to me. The crowd freaked the fuck out when he came on stage it was so sick. There was like 50 of us on stage it was such a good time and im glad I went. Makes me so stoked on all the work me and Belv have been putting in. We both got albums on deck for 4th quarter 2018, first quarter 2019. The new Mozzy came out and im sitting here just vibed out listening to the song “Blackhearted”. The beats this dude picks are so beautiful. Like piano ballad beats with soul samples, he seems very intelligent because these bars are insane. Tonight I met up with Jeff because he have this weird tradition of just going to as many shows as possible. We saw Brian Fallon again at Count Basie in Red Bank. First off - ive been working so hard lately that ive been feeling extremely extremely extremely alone. I don’t hangout with anybody 1 on 1 these days, I don’t really go out side. I literally don’t even have a social group. I travel everywhere alone, and I just in general move by myself. Im at a point now where some people have tried some fuck shit to get to some of the people ive been working with. Before this I was so busy recording so any social time to myself and “friends” was basically engineers, collaborations, and music related. The whole “go to the movies” type of social life or any normal shit has just kinda been erased from my life. Sometimes when Im out, in passing, ill see a group of like 5 or 6 kids just laughing passing me. Bonding in the simplest way and it makes me choke up. I love it. I haven’t felt that in mad long but when I think back on when I did have that - in the back of my head all I wanted to do was get a shot at music. So now that I have that shot I have to bite down. Im foaming at the mouth for this shit. Anyway tonight with Jeff was the first in awhile where I put shit aside and hung out and caught a show outside of some business shit. I appreciate that dude probably more than he realizes. He saw something in me, a fight, a fire, and linked me with Jesse - who literally spun my life in a 180. Brian is probably one of my favorite songwriters these days. I know thats a cliche thing to say but I really was there from the jump, like Myspace days. Ive met him a few times and he has a tattoo of a band I Sang for and we chopped it up and he was a really nice dude. After his show there was an immediate standing ovation. Im talking like within a second the entire sold out count Basie theater jumped to their feet and roared. It literally scared him. The look in his eyes was so unreal. I could see him thinking “how did I get here?” For kids like us its a dream to play that room. I cant imagine 10 years from now being blessed enough to sell that bitch out with a standing ovation. Within that moment I can tell he went right back to being a kid walking past that shit with “one day” eyes. I really had a good time tonight though. It was so nice to get out. After I caught up with my boy Joe who booked the show and runs The Basie. The shit he was saying to me put me on cloud 9. So encouraging. He mentioned my work all across the boards, in all genres and told me to keep going. Its hard sometimes to hold the faith but times like this when a dude who used to book your hardcore band and is now booking these crazy concerts says keep going for said reasons….damn man. Makes me wonder. Its 4:30 am and I had food and watched Ebro / Genuis interviews and passed out so im probably up for the day. This Mozzy record really is amazing. Now that im getting older im finding myself wanting to settle down with a girl and spend more time with my family and hers. That aspect of my life is creeping up. Ive never felt that. Every relationship ive ever been in was shit and stagnant with people who switched up. Ive never felt true bond. True companionship. True love. True strength. True ride or die I got you till the end marriage type shit. My hearts been empty for so long. My hearts been closed. But tonight I walked from Starbucks in red bank to the Basie, with a cup of coffee, felt the breeze of October…..and I just felt my heart being open again. Its still empty, but at least its open and I felt warm and excited for one day hopefully having the opportunity to meeting somebody that will let me make them coffee. I know that I have met her. Ive known her for about 10 years. I feel her deep in my soul….but sometimes love aint enough so ive been faced with the crossroads and I had to move forward. Hopefully one day it’ll pan out because my fists are bloody from fighting. You know who you are. I know you’re reading this. Im looking forward to halloween, and the holidays and the cold weather. Spending time by the fire, having good coffee, with good people that ive neglected over the past couple years due to tour and life and me being a dumb kid. I feel the energy shifting. I feel the industry shifting. I feel them watching. I feel her, I think of her everyday, I hope she thinks of me. -1-

Mozzy - Black Hearted 

[jobone123]

Any were back WHEN I HEARD THE RUMOR some buildings downtown made a personal attack on me Jason vs the house BY SACRIFICING A FOOD PROCESS BABY Vs fell sick due to clearance of YOU HAD THE BEST SON N U KILLED THE WRONG BOY

Was there a blonde building sacrificing of Jasons Vs BLACK PEOPLE ARE ACCIDENTS the only last reason they follow me is because virginity A JOKE AGAINST WHITES did brown eye crackers have their own building sacrificing a food process boy

Most important why didn’t you eat!

Was this a fake fort idea at towards my success

Why isn’t all downtown made like Jason Vs The girls of irack WERE TECHNICALLY JASON

Why does downtown have so much room for accidents

Underwear?

It maybe in the schooling Vs every building had a Jason fan parent WE FUCK UP THE GAME when it came down to WHITE PEOPLE DROPOUTS Vs everygirl had a baby Vs your son in their sleep n overtime THESE FANATICS OF FAKE FORT VS REAL FORTS would kill there family COVER UP did whites put blacks up to this BECAUSE BLONDE GEM PORN we can’t ignore the fact that all the boys downtown were eventually castrated IGNORES THE OBVIOUS BULLSHIT ATTACK ON MY HOUSE Vs Jasons sunrise network WAS THIS AN INSIDE JOB AUTHORIZED BY THE SUNRISE HOUSE

Most importantly why does www hate boys add why is my whole downtown career about a black persons virginity ADD GREAT BLIND DATE PICK UP LINE gets her pussy wet EXPERIENCE

I’m thirty was their a second attack on me vs the house WHY IS DOWNTOWN DEEMED AN ACCIDENT why don’t black People where underwear WHERE IS MY EVIDENCE

Was it all about porn

Too many haters of Jason fear the house YOU DONT DO THAT TO PEOPLE

Why is there so many extra buildings downtown

Why did downtown give up on the transgender process AND GIVE HER ALL THE POWER

It’s was a weapon for the SON I will next you GIRL with my transgender brother AN OFFSET TO HER JOBLESS ENTITLEMENT I have a pussy SQUID PRO CO

Black People opinions don’t matter

I was born blonde

Why was it a black Jason building when the subject was blonde gem porn TO GIVE BLONDE GEM ALL THE POWER OVER BROWN GEM Vs why wasn’t it a blonde Jason building food process sacrificing AKA CUT OUT EYES TOURS add why was it a threat to stop the creation of blonde gem female s BECAUSE A BLACK MAN HATED BLONDE WHITE BOYS RACISM Vs it was a threat to my son black prisoner aka blind dogs Theory ADD BLIND SIDED BY T V

It was an accident to kill the wrong son vs her walls EX. STOPPED THE ENERGY PROCESS OF A BOY TO TRANSFER GENDER right vs wrong process

All of downtown boys should be Jason vs girls of irack ALL IN TOGETHER

Where was he schooled vs veil

This sounds like a set up from a fake fort ATTACK ON JASON N NOT THE HOUSE racism downtown apartment was about apartment houses

Most importantly was the whole building or buildings MY PERFECT PROCESS or did drop outs AGAIN INFECT GIRLS MINDS Jason process WITH A SICK SLEEPING BABY Vs your son couldn’t know a computer baby IS THIS ANOTHER ATTACK FROM BLACK MAN ON A WHITE SLEEPING BABY aka it was me IAM JASON

Does downtown have too much buildings to just throw away bodies of boys but steal their wives AT WHAT COST DOES A BUILDING FULL OF WOMEN GO FOR $

MOST IMPORTANTLY AFTER I BUILT THE SUNRISE NETWORK NOW IM A ACCIDENT BEING FOLLOWED BY AN INKED WALL DEAD BLACK GIRL army of black men

We will take this as downtown is an accident jealous cowards underwhere a failed BUISNESS plan vs fake fort attempt to make me work sixteen extra years over land because a boat Theory Vs Free trips to an island DID CUBA KNOW what happened to jersey

Correction kill rumor time ATTENTION #mass IT WASNT A UNDERWEAR it was a drink #accident I GOT YOUR BACK SAID BLONDE GEM HOUSE TO BLACK DOWNTOWN go ahead n ruin Jasons career we have fake forts WITH MORE POOR PEOPLE FANS for the win

Was it the trade war

We can blame the Chinese or Italians but never the Spanish WAS THE SACRIFICE D FOOD PROCESS JASON BABIES Spanish WERE THEY ALL CASTRATED BEFORE

Seems as if another YOU DONT DO THAT TO PEOPLE BLACK LIES MATTER MOVEMENT aka welfare scheme FROM A BLONDE FAMILY TO SABOTAGE MY SUNRISE NETWORK by helping black People make this FOOD PROCESS JASON SACRIFICING for old sixteen year old blonde women when the house is done FUCKING THEM

Now it was a distraction because the accident was killing the wrong son ALA THAT BASTARD GOT AWAY WITH IT but will never HER WALLS

Don’t bother me with failed attempts at my ACCIDENTAL SUCCESS after all my nasa murders HAVE SACRIFICED AT LEAST TWO TO THREE TIMES that example building WHERES MY EVIDENCE

Is Jon or mic telling you this I GOT YOUR BACK THEORY why didn’t trump towers do the same but Steve Hilton did but wyn didn’t either SHE DIDNT EITHER

Not my first mass murder

You know Miami castrated twice as many boys as Boston

Can I move to have a blonde family WHEN WE GET DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT NIGGER IDEOLOGY welfare game AKA I WAS BORN BLONDE here crackers 1 trillion dollars but half goes to black gem

Most importantly you killed the wrong son for an example downtown to be a house bastard aka he didn’t have a sister THEORY THAT SWEAPT EVERY INMATE BOY DOWNTOWN TO DEEM ME AN ACCIDENT Vs you gave her all the power by not saving this building for PROPER N RIGHT ENERGY OF A MALE TO COMPLETE THE TRANSGENDER FORMATION why you failed at impregnated the transgender male your transferred NOT ENOUGH ENERGY yikes n whoops CLEARANCE clearance EXCUSES excuses

You wonder why I hate blacks for killing my family THEN YOU WONDER WHY THEY WOULD MAKE A BUILDING OF SCARIFIED FOOD PROCESS BOYS n not eat ADD LETS ALL FORGET they suffered almost no pain SIXTEEN YEARS OF BLISS TO THAT ONE TRAGIC MOMENT can we kill all the queen satogates from the sarogates

Now if these scarified babies food process were all black BLAME BLONDE RUNNER better yet blame red head runner BUT DONT BLAME BRUNETTE RUNNER!

Black mic drop 🎤 Vs white mic drop 🎙

Does black dick matter more then white dick SPOILED BEEF Vs Milk

Ok we’re done

You people make me sick to think this attack came from my fort base

Can I get a red head family when this is done I WAS BORN BRUNETTE

I was born French ish

I’m from Ireland

Does anyone else notice THEY CASTRATED EVERY BOY DOWNTOWN INCLUDING THE JASON FOOD PROCESSING BUILDING vs the drop out building s attack on my sunrise DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THISE 8 bedroom houses aka work release from buildings Jason accidents

For underwear or porn WHY WERE ALL THESE KIDS BORN N LIVED blind n dead DID YOU TELL THE BASTARD

How did the son learn of me

Did he know WHITE Jason was a church n not a real runner IRAN MORE TECHNICALLY HES A FAKE GEM anyways

We’re done

Sixteen years bs thirty years add one more generation YOUR SYSTEM PORN CASTRATION IS PARTICULARLY BIRTHRIGHT one plane Vs international porn site was a number s possessen SPECIAL COUNSEL VS SPECIAL INTEREST I’m international FAKE FORT TECHNICALLY IS LOST dEads secret Private family NEVER LEFT PRISON the boys didn’t suffer as much as bae did WHOOPS

Did the house do the same WE KNOW FAKE FORT SUNRISE WILL CLAIM YES poor mother lost two to three sons because of a sunrise competition NO WOMAN TREATED WORSE like black woMAN throwing white dicks away FICTIONAL THEORY picture a black man throwing white girls away

Swoh that’s a lot

After all it was a failed attempt vs someone to blame OTHER THEN BLACK PEOPLE JERKING OFF TO Blonde GEM PORN now picture it a little black girl CARAMA BITCHES for the attack on me JAYSIN VS JAYSON gov vs street name

Why doesn’t brown eye crackers give all the blacks to blonde gems

#shoutsouts Colorado YOUR INVOLVED threw in the church for free Vs a whole building for me NOT MY FIRST MASS MURDER sixteen years n nasa getting better at this RUMOR HAS OT COLORADO ONE IS LAND LOCK COLORADO TWO IS ISLAND Vs car theory DOES WYOMING DOWNTOWN HAVE THE SAME MAP where is Michigan really DO YOU THINK FLORIDA IS AN ACCIDENT TOO ice downtown said agriculture vs patches of grass are grown inside a building Vs making a food process boy accident against Jason n not against the orange fruit network MAKE AMERICA GRAPES AGAIN since you were throwing out them boys anyways WHY NOT GIVE THEM A PURPOSE to ruin successful Jasons career vs dEads most successful failed sons

We can only honor the of age appropriate sacrifices that suffered n we’re eligible vs my process CLEARED ENOUGH vs food process Jasons that we’re sacrificed Vs it was almost like a bullet ALA THEY DIDNT LOOSE AN ENTIRE FAMILY OF SUNRISE they never left or knew what sunrise was DID THEY THINK SUN Vs satellite through the light outside the window CANT SACRIFICE A BUILDING OF FOOD THROWN AWAY for I shit out your entire family to make a point TURD vs cows n chicken s MILK Vs you could of just used one drop of jizz in her WE GOT THE POINT didn’t need to sacrifice an entire baby in her vagina WHY DOES WWW hate to suck women clits UNDERWHERE DOWNTOWN Is an ACCIDENT I think the mask were for drain that swamp Vs that black building smells like a dead body WHY DID THE CHINESE INVENT THE MASK

Ok we’re done

[angel78]

another failed attempt at seeing a new therapist

its literally pointless to try anymore. its honestly not even about “getting better” anymore its about the fact that i just want to be figured the fuck out already. i want to get it all out i want to understand i want to know what happened to me and what the hell is wrong with me... but i guess i’ve always done that myself anywhere. 

i have learned everything i have come to understand about myself in writing and art, mainly my own because that is where i am sorting myself out, but of course with others’ work as well. 

i was never allowed to see a therapist growing up, my parents didnt believe in mental illness and thought i was just crazy or dramatic or whatever else ive said it here before plenty of times. once i left renfrew i tried one or two but one i couldnt afford and the other made me uncomfortable. i had one therapist in wvu that didn’t help or understand at all and just made me feel like i was psycho and straight up would ask me if i paid before i sat down ???? when i finally came back to jersey, i tried to see another therapist in february and she turned me down entirely and said she could not help me or see me because i needed higher care and she couldnt be responsible for that. then finally i began seeing a therapist at my school who saw me for a few months who i thought i might finally be able to get something out of, maybe, but she told me she had to stop seeing me because i was too sick too and needed a higher care and i told her i refused to go to anything inpatient so she straight up said she cant help me anymore but we could have an appointment to find a good program for me and i never went because fuck you for that. right when things started peaking again she just didn’t want to help me anymore. i understand the “ethics” behind seeing someone who you deem “too unwell” to only be attending an hour long therapy session once a week but for gods sake she knew all of the reasons i couldnt do that and some of them were kind of bullshit in her opinion like me refusing to put school on hold again but some of them were fucking valid like money and not having a car at the time to even do an outpatient if i tried and my parents and just everything. 

then finally a few weeks ago i started seeing a new therapist, literally like the day after finding out my boyfriend has fucking cancer, and i saw her three times, spent the first two times having an insurance/money battle in the beginning, and the second time waited for her for 7 minutes after my appt was supposed to start and she still cut me off right after the allotted time was up technically not giving me the appropriate 45 full minutes ???? but not only that she called me by the wrong name ???? only says elementary shit like “so how are depression and anxiety” and just nods and doesnt offer any feedback when i talk. she didnt try at all to get to know my circumstances like i always had to fish for things to talk about because she couldnt even start asking me questions of her own since the first session which like how is that supposed to help me i came here because I NEED HELP and then even though the insurance sent me a document with this therapists specializations and eating disorders WERE LISTED AS ONE OF THEM she says that she doesnt know much about eating disorders and isnt trained in them so she doesnt know how to really help and she then went on to tell me she thinks i just need a higher care and that we could have our last session (the following week from last thursday which would have been tomorrow) so we can find a program together that i should start ???? yeah nice way to say see you never and take another $50 from me when you cant even rememebr my FUCKING NAME WHEN ITS SITTING ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU LITERALLY LISTED EATING DISORDERS IN YOUR SPECIALIZATIONS WHEN YOU APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM ACCORDING TO YOU sorry im livid but anyway now im back to no therapist and that makes a consecutive three suggesting i needed a higher care but i guess at least this one was just a complete idiot and didnt say she refused to help me anymore 

so i just wanted to post a rant update about that and i guess from here i will just continue

i started class and my last week of training for my new serving job yesterday, i had class at 8:00 after not sleeping all night and have three more classes and then training again, i look cute today but no one lked my selfies on twitter so that was very nice also, im speeding frivolously, and ,,,,

my mom and i got into two big dumb fights over the last week over something so stupid but as always she had to go on and curse me off and tell me she doesnt want me in “her house” which is really funny because how can you call it your house when you 1) dont even have a job therefore do not pay bills 2) my dad, as much as he hurts me, just had to get a second job again to support my family when my mom doesnt even have one and doesnt even love my dad anymore but she’ll reap the benefits of having a man willing to do that for her 3) she literally left us like two months ago to live with her friend then decides to come back because “it was hard driving back and forth and i couldnt see the kids everyday” which honestly, to me, translates to it was too hard coming here every day just to bake cakes 4) she told me whenever she does get money (somehow???) she has full intentions of moving out and getting her own place so even if she did have money i guess making this number 5) she would be PUTTING IT TO GETTING HER OWN PLACE AND NOT THE HOUSE ANYWAY SO I REST MY CASE DOESNT LOOK LKE YOUR HOUSE TO ME BITCH and i left sunday night and went to be with vincent and i get to sleep with him all week and then yesterday my mom tried to send me a meme so i would respond and laugh and we could pretend nothing happened but im tired of doing that im tired of acting like just because im their child i dont deserve an apology like fuck if i dont even deserve help on my medical bills ???? i think i at the very least deserve an apology every now and again ???? especially since they are a signficant part of the reason I AM THIS WAY and then yesterday my dad texted me asking where ive been and i told him what happened and actually tried to have a mature conversation and tell him how i felt like an adult and why i dont think my mom acted fairly and he literally left me on read so thats how my family life is going

otherwise eating is impossible unless its in capsule form and and im overly paranoid and i cant drive without imagining a parallel universe every car that comes into my vicinity somehow crashes into me and not even in the suicidal way literally in the twitching at the sight of an approaching vehicle and shaking my head and closing my eyes while driving because all i can see are these traumatizing visions of things that have never happened to me and im really depressed and i have no friends 

and i really sound like a whiney bitch right now but i havent posted much about whats going on in my life lately and clearly !!!! i dont have a therapist to tell !!!!

i keep wanting to write and have fragments of words but it doesnt feel right yet and i know that

i have no money and my phone and car bills are due next week and i wont be making any money until next week MAYBE

literally the only good thing right now is that vincent is doing pretty well, its really hard to see him this way a lot of the time but its getting easier because im getting used to seeing him bald or how little he eats or helping him when he’s sick, as far as we know the chemo seems to be doing what its supposed to do, he is doing well, i hope it stays that way because he’s literally everything to me and the only thing that makes me want to be on this earth 

[survivor-of-removal]

Dark Seeker's history summer/ early autum

There’s not much point doing this blog if i don’t tell you everything thats happened so far. It was 2013 i discovered creepypasta. It was an innocent enough mistake. i spelled a word wrong... yes all my pain and suffering was caused by a fucking spelling mistake. Maybe i shouldn't of hated on that miserable sarcastic teaching assistant that tortured me every Wednesday before swimming class. Maybe my lazy ass should've paid attention.

Anyway it was me looking for a thrill. You know, a scary game to scare the shit out of myself. So i typed in "scaryest game on the internet". Despite the agony its almost funny to think that such an innocent mistake would ruin my life. The "word" scaryest brought me to the more sinister games. Im guessing it was like a deep web link or something similar because it brought me to the dodgy games. Like for an example it brought me to a game, can't even remember what its called. i couldn't find it again even after a long deep search. It had this image on it:

(smile Jeff)

i played the game. i didn't understand it very much. i reversed the image search, brought me to "smile Jeff" a combination of two images, a recreation of the real smile dog picture and the original Jeff the killer song. For some odd reason smile dog didn't interest me at first. The picture was creepy for sure but the name Jeff the killer seemed more interesting. Stupidly enough i did some research on Jeff the killer. the worst mistake of my life. i read a story named "go to sleep" yep thats right, the original Jeff the killer story, the one that tells how he became the way he is. its harder to find nowadays. The part when Jeff carved a smile in his face and burnt off his eyelids shocked me. baring in mind i was only in my early 11 years of age. i wasn't supposed to read that stuff. i remember shaking. literally shaking. i was genuinely shocked, scared. It scarred me but for some odd reason it wasn't enough. i waited three days telling everyone "i read this terrifying story" that was until i finished primary school which was after 3 days. The whole summer holidays was in front of me as well as a new secondary school. It was like everything was set up to fail. That summer i looked deeper and deeper staying up late looking at more creepypastas. Jeff was always my favourite. None of the others did it for me like he did. when i went on holiday to jersey the hotel there had about 5 acres of grounds. It had a forest, fields, and a really large patio area (like really large) where the wine cellar was and where they grew herbs and everything. The best part (at the time) was that it was always empty. The only part that really ever got used was the pool area. the other areas during the later afternoon where always empty. It had different layers and everything with a well and small little cottages, some of the places in the grounds were so rural it felt like a country village. and of course in the evening everything was empty. By then i had discovered a new favorite creepy pasta: the Rake. i used to go rake hunting in the woods next to the manor/hotel. i used to have great fun scaring the crap out of myself. now for those out there who are big into creepypasta stuff. you'll know that there's another one, a big one, one that usually sits next to the rake in terms of myths and fandom. Yes thats right: the Slender man.

this one made me almost forget all the others. From a first glance, one glance thats all it took: i was engrossed. For the next day i didn't go out exploring. i stayed in reading about him, everything i could spend hours reading stories, doing "research". The next time i went out something felt very off and as i walked around i felt like i was being watched. i shrugged it off as paranoia but returned to my families room soon after because it just felt too bad. On the final day of the holiday me and my family took a hike in the area near the ferry port. The whole thing felt weird. The fenced off woods intrigued me. something drew me closer. By now i was already playing the mass of slender man games on the app store.

When i got home it was non-stop slender man, short films, stories not even on creepypasta, stories on creepypasta and looking at pictures, videos, everything i could get my thumbs on. i thought it wasn't real. Some of you may scoff at this. Most people today "know" he isn't real. Every fucking website: "oh he was created on the something awful forums, na na na"

i wanted to believe in it, i wanted to think it was all real. It would be exiting, if i was stalked it would make my life a fun adventure. The stupid innocent ignorance of a fucking 11 year old. That was when he appeared in my dream. i cant remember the dream anymore, i have a few visions. One was an empty mossy swimming pool surrounded by thick dark woods, and he was standing in the entrance to the forest. i woke up. i wasn't scared, i was almost exited, but something suppressed that feeling almost. i cant describe it, it was a feeling of difference, the whole room didn't seem right like something was off, horribly off. i was in my room, but i wasn't. i got to sleep eventually. But had another dream. i was in a field, woods surrounding it with overgrown brown grass, the sky was blue and it was sunny, it was sweet. There were other people if i remember rightly but ill never forget the tree in the middle of the field. i went up to it and the best way to describe it is that on the tree, a suit and tie were carved on in the right place like the tree would come alive any moment. My dad woke me up. today we were going to some boats race thing. Hundreds of people were going to be there. i can remember telling my dad i had a bad dream but didn't tell him what it was. he by now knew of my creepy pasta addiction. Luckily, or at least lucky at the time, right next to the massive field next to the river there was a large dark forest. i played around in there. i was looking for him of course. surprisingly the forest felt calm.

The day was going fine. If i remember they had a BBQ on the main field anyway, or they were selling hot dogs or something. Anyway, the day was good. That was until i had to go to an aunts' birthday party. Some people got drunk if i remember rightly and everyone was "partying" a little too hard for middle-aged people. i spent most of the night outside in the pub garden staring into the dark trees thinking about slender man. i told my grandma and one of my aunts about slenderman, and they couldn't stop laughing. i was slightly annoyed by this i dont know why.

By the way if you're wondering how i can remember all this, which if sure you are it's because i have a high functioning form of autism. no I’m not a retard, the opposite in fact, i have a high IQ but do find it hard in social situations and other minor things like that. i can remember when i was 6 for goodnes’s sake. i have a good memory, its never been bad, it's been blurry at times, usually when im... when is... yeah

but anyway i was happy to go home, it had been a long day. as we were driving home i had the sudden urge to look out the window, and there he was, standing there on the pavement. i had never been more shocked in my life, but the thing i remember is confusion. i dont know why but i was more surprised than scared.

The rest of the summer was okay i guess, a lot of homework that my new secondary had set (how brutal is that, i hadn't even attended a day at the school, and they gave summer homework) and of course long nights looking at slender man stories. One i remember well is "the rocking chair" i cant find it again but it was about a rocking chair on a campsite and whoever sat in it at night would encounter slender man. i dont know why i remember that one. i was fully obsessed reading creepiest one after the other. By now they were regular stories, i wasn't scared, i was reading stories at 11 that are supposed to frighten fucking adults. i look back on it now. Maybe i didn't realize what i was doing but now i know. i was harming myself: psychologically.

School began. Or should i say hell began. The academy i attended was brutal, vicious. no one liked me. i jumped from being fairly popular in primary (people liked me because i was quirky) to being the laughingstock and the loser of not just the class, not just my year group. no we are talking about the whole fucking school. for goodnes’s sake, pupils that came from my primary didn't even like me anymore. a girl i danced with in the school disco sort of thing didn't even like me, they turned me away, i was an embarrassment. i tried to fit in but i couldn't. i tried to joke, i tried to laugh, i tried to join in conversations, but they would all turn me down as a "gay weirdo". Its painful looking back on it. i was so confused at the time. i knew no one, not the teachers, all my friends were gone and the ones that did go to the same school turned me away too engrossed in their new friends. i would just sit there at break and read creepypastas in the corner. It was an escape from hell. By now i started getting slender sickness, nose bleeds, coughing fits, nausea, ringing in my ears. and i shadow would follow me everywhere, a tall wispy dark shadow with long arms that would stand in the corner of the recreation ground at break and just watch me disappearing each time a looked directly at it. it would follow me home, i would see it outside, in town. i wanted answers. i knew it was slender man, i knew he was after me. i had the sickness, the obsession, i saw him, i got detentions all the time. i couldn't concentrate in class. Either i tried to make conversation with the boy next to me, he seemed fairly... different... so i trusted him. he didn't make fun of me like the others. By now my new nickname was weirdo. i didn't choose the nickname. i minded my own business. The first week i tried to make friends went so wrong i just sat in the corner at breaks and minded my own business, sometimes silently crying about the lesson beforehand when someone had humiliated me or picked on me for no reason. But still they came up to me and made fun of me then. i remember i had two spots i would hide. There was a pathway that went off the main recreation space up to a fire exit, i would sit by the fire exit door away from everyone watched everyone have fun, laughing, joking, groups of kids like me walking around with their friends. i had no one. no one but my stupid creepypastas. i had imaginary friends too. Tommy, cal, they were all i had, and they weren't even fucking real. My other place was behind the fence. There was a gate next to the football pitches that entered a small area behind a wooden fence. i was the only person who ever went there. after all who else would go behind some tall wooden fences into that small isolated space. i wouldn't eat lunch, the cafeteria was a spot for bullying. no one would let me sit down. i began to become really skinny. But i felt better behind a wooden fence where no one could find me than eating. At this point my obsession with slender man took over everything. in school any opportune to write about something, draw something, anything optional, it would always be about slender man. My life was breaking down. Detentions every day. i almost liked them. It was stop me from going outside. i think the teachers knew: they would send me out early to socialize. Socialize with whom? i had no friends. i only had enemies. People wouldn't let me sit down. they would shout at me tell me to fuck off. If i walked past people they would drop the "gay" insult or call me names. i never understood why. i didn't do anything. in sports, i was always the last to get picked. in the end i just refused to play, every sports lesson just made me feel horrible inside. i would sit in the corner and do nothing. i dont suppose it helped but its not like anyone would pass the ball or anything. they would call me a girl because i had long hair. It wasn't even that long. It was more of an emo fringe than anything but still, it pissed me off, and they liked that. People liked my reaction.

(End of part 1)

[serenavonromvesen]

September 21st, 2019.

I really don’t know where else to vent but on tumblr. I have always used tumblr as an outlet for venting and I’m reaching a point where I really just need to write out how I’m feeling, without cramping my hand writing with pen and paper.

I feel really lonely as far as friends go. I have an AMAZING group of friends, but so many of them live far away. I have my tribe and I feel I will always have that, but its never the same as having lady friends, I literally have like three or four ladyfriends that I can actually hang out with in person, and only one of them is someone I didnt meet through my boyfriend first. its not that I have anything I want to share behind him, its that I always feel like on some level they’re always more his friend than mine- and at that, I didn’t choose most of them to be in my life, they were given to me. don’t get me wrong, I’m SO grateful for anyone I do have currently in my life. I just don’t have any friends who truly understand me, and especially not that are into the things that I am. I would love so much to be able to be friends with another tattoo model in my area, and ACTUALLY genuinely have a real friendship. I emphasize ‘genuinely’ because this industry is FULL of backstabbing bitches that would throw you in front of a bus to get one more step ahead of you. I just want a girl I can hang out with all the time SO bad. and the one person here who is awesome, works like ALLLLL the time. it sucks pretty bad when you only have one true friend and they end up getting way too busy for you. she’s supposed to move away anyways she said, so I guess I better get used to it now anyways. I’m just so sad of having no girls to actually hang out with. Skyping with my best friend is great, but it just isnt the same- and a lot of time I do get put aside compared to actually going to hang out with people anyways. which i dont have here.

now, I’m SUPER introverted, nervous, shy, socially awkward AND anxious, and sometimes I have a hard time making normal conversation. in fact, I am always secretly bothered by the fact that I’m PRETTY SURE i have some form of Autism, but I would never actually say that I am being diagnosed, but I am terrified to find out. I once emailed a place to ask some questions and set an appointment, but I never heard back.. that was i think last year. Anyways, I don’t want a ton of friends or anything. I dont want to hang out every day- it’s exhausting. but I still want the option to be able to call someone up in those rare days where I do feel like going outside or seeing people, to actually have fun. I used to have that in New Jersey, my group of girls that I hang with an we all really support each other. I miss them so bad. I am SO homesick for like, the last two years now. I try not to think about it if I can help it, but I miss my friends, I miss my mom.. I hate that I’m missing my baby cousins grow up, I hate that I’ve FINALLY made a connection with some of my cousins and now I’ll rarely ever see them, I hate that I can’t do body suspensions more often, I hate that I don’t get to see my brother Sean when he visits... but most of all I do HATE New Jersey and could never live there. I just wish so bad it hadn’t been like 4-5 years since I’ve seen my friends and family. it hurts. I’m so homesick for just the strong friendships I have.

I just...know its possible. I know its possible to have the small group of friends I want. I just wish girls weren’t so...mean and competitive. I just feel so lonely. I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with thats a female. why is everyone so far away? I’m home alone all day every day. you’d think a puppy wouldve made me feel less alone, but really I’m a thousand times more stressed than ever. I wanted to move for a fresh start, to breathe, so enjoy peace...and as soon as I got here everyones over all the time and it just reminds me how I dont have friends of my own, and how my friends dont come to visit me, and how I never get a second to myself. I finally got the chance and heres this puppy. i love him with my life but I AM SO STRESSED!!! I’m with him 10-14 hours a day by myself and then half of the time I’m still the one dealing with him at the crack of dawn, too. I never get time alone unless he sleeps and then I have to walk on eggshells to not wake him up- AND I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WANT THIS!!! when I was forced to give up my other pupper, Hades, I said I never wanted a puppy again because IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. it puts me on edge and greatly disrupts my bipolar. i literally CANT handle it. I said I would get a dog no younger than 2 years old. I wanted a border coli so bad, maybe even a doberman because I still miss my old dog Max SO MUCH! I like bigger dogs and never really was a big fan of little dogs. I like a dog I can give a whole ass hug to, and feel protected by when I walk alone down a street with him. but no, Michael had to choose, he wanted a puppy, he wanted a small-type pure bred dog which means it’ll be twice as expensive twice as often with vet visits. but he wanted it. he insisted. and now, here we are, just like scooping the litter boxes for all 4 cats, its pretty much almost entirely left on me to do. for so so long I told myself “well he works and I dont really work, I’m home all day and hes not here much to have the time for it.” but you know what I realized? That when I worked full time at Starbucks, or when I worked two jobs at both the Smoke Shoppe AND Spencers, that I still put in the same amount of work as all of this- I was still expected to do all of this. at that, I am SO SICK AND TIRED of him asking me EVERY FUCKING DAY “will you mop today? will you do the laundry? will you do that dogs medicine? will you change the cat boxes?” periodically throughout every morning. like oh, I didn’t realize that I was a fucking 4 year old that needs direction on needing to do basic fucking cleaning tasks!!!!! the only reason I dont get to half that stuff most of the time is that I’m annoyed as fuck at being told what to do / treated that way, and that by the time he leaves for work theres been a whole fucking list of shit lined up that I now feel EXPECTED to do before hes home from work. it literally aggravates me SO MUCH just typing about it because im so fucking pissed off that he does this EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGDAY. it makes me feel angry and completely overwhelmed and then I just spend my entire day dreading it then rushing to do it right before he gets home from work. I just fucking hate it. like I’m fucking 25 years old, I know what the fuck to do to keep the fucking house clean, thanks.

at that, between the no friends, the fucking belittlement of being given a verbal list of chores every day, and the stress from puppy I absolutely did NOT ask for, I am feeling so depressed. I wanted a new house so I could ENJOY it, but instead any moment in my backyard is spent trying to get the puppy to stop eating random crap the people before us left- like glass, I cant enjoy how the inside looks because theres puppy training pads all over the floor which the floor is always dirty because of being in and out of the house with the puppy, or just even a moment of peace at all. like literally this defeated the whole entire purpose of wanting to move. its still a gazillion times better than the trailer, I still totally love this house, but because of my stress and loneliness level, I feel nearly just as depressed as before.

what doesnt help is lately Michael has been SO negative abut things. it’s like when I finally am enjoying myself, he comes through like a wrecking ball being negative, depressing, unsupportive, argumentative, and just plain giving off vibes that make me feel so down. He still makes me feel super happy like 98% of the time, but it is such a downer when hes being super negative about EVERYTHING. or when he gets my hopes up about things and then goes back on his word. he LOVES to tell me yes to shut me up then saying no when it becomes real, a mega part of why I haven’t gotten to visit my family in 4 years. and then he makes me feel SO bad about it. he has no problem bragging to everyone about a vacation, but when its just us suddenly its “I have to do this on my own” and “it’s expensive” like really? thanks for bragging about it for two months, waiting until we have it a month away to tell me its 100% on me to plan it, then complain about everything I tried to plan, WHILE making me feel like a complete and utter loser that I’m a failure at everything I try to do so now I don’t make any money. I literally fucking hate myself again. that’s where I’m at. I’m starting to find my body, my hair, my face- all of it repulsive. I hate how I look. I hate my hair and how my dreads are all lose, but I have to ask him for money to be able to fix my hair. he always tells me just ask and it isnt a problem but then when I do want to do things he makes me wait ages and puts it off or flat out complains- or if it all goes smoothly he throws it in my face the first fight we have. I just feel like such a fucking loser, that’s getting uglier by the day. and when I finally worked up the courage to go to the gym, its like pulling teeth to get him to go- I’ve been asking for a year and we STILL haven’t gone. I want to be a breakdancer SO BAD and I’ll never get to do that if I can’t go to the gym to work out. he tells me to just go but he doesnt understand that being a woman alone in public these days you’re at extreme risk of being raped and 10/10 multiple dudes will trying saying gross things and hitting on you/catcalling. I wish so so so so so bad I could go out for a day and have not a soul talk to me or look at me. what a dream that would be. I just cant go alone. its literally dangerous. scary.

I just feel so STUCK. I want to make money so I can contribute to the house and pay for what I need MYSELF. I never ever liked being someone who fully depends on someone like that. hell, a decade ago I refused to let anyone even get me a simple drink from a convenience store. it still feels uncomfortable to have to be like this. I want to be able to take care of myself. to know that if it was just me that I wouldnt just...be out on the streets. now I’m getting married and its a great relief that thats a less legitimate fear, but I still want to be able to take care of myself so that I could help my babe. he works SO hard for us and spends SO much money taking care of us, I just want to be able to pay my part of that and make HIS life easier, so that we BOTH can do more things that we like instead of just paying bills till the next check. I feel so useless and worthless. but everything I try to do I just fail at, or I’m too depressed and just lose the passion for it. or the will to do nearly anything. I really thought moving was going to change everything for me but... I feel nearly just as depressed. the environment change has definitely helped but, it didn’t suddenly cure my depression like I hoped for..

I just feel so alone, in like, literally everything I try to do. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. when I do think I fit in, it just turns out to be a delayed rejection. I swear I get screwed over and stabbed in the back more often than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. I’m easily forgotten and definitely easy to fuck over. I just wish people werent so hateful and selfish... all I want is to have female friends I can actually hang out with, have some help with my puppy, to talk to my fiance without him thinking I’m having an argument, to workout so I can dance, and to do something I love that makes me happy that I can make money with. I feel like I failed as a model too. I make all these plans and then.. I can never accomplish them. I often think, is it worth it really? to compete with all these girls when I dont care about competition? to be screwed over because I’m an opponent to everyone I wish I was friends with? to try and build working-relationships with photographers who seem to forget about me before I even get my pictures back? to not be paid for modeling when I spent tons of money on clothes for shoots? to not have my name out there after a year and a half? to not even be able to find a photographer that wants to shoot for publication? or be told I’m not inked enough to shoot again (the day after I got tattooed?)? I just feel like a failure. I spent over a thousand dollars on clothes for shoots, plus all traveling expenses, to have only ever profited $50 one time and then never get my edited photos back. I just feel like I’m not worth anything, that I can’t contribute or make money without making myself excessively unhappy working jobs I hate- only to be belittled there too.

I don’t even care about social media anymore. I don’t care to check instagram or post on it. why? so I can spend two hours doing makeup so I could post a selfie to write another caption telling everyone that “one day” I’ll do more? what’s the point? If only I had someone I could invite over to talk to about it :( I just feel so...unexcited by everything. like Stan in the episode about shit. I’m bored, I feel gross, I feel lonely, I’m overwhelmingly stressed, I’m growing to hate myself again, and I feel like I don’t have the positive influence I need to get better. I WANT to get better, I just need help and I don’t have anyone I feel I could reach out to that could actually help me. I just really need a friend...

[lezbehrealuh]

we recently went on a trip to jersey together for his cousins wedding and that is when shit hit the fan. i snooped through his phone while he was passed out drunk and found out that nothing has really changed. talking sexually to girls, pictures, and basically acting single. i was so fucking hurt and i was stuck. stuck sharing a bed, stuck with his family. we had a long talk when we got back and decieded to break up but still be friends. i feel empty and like a piece of me is missing. i feel betrayed and disgusted that he would do this to me. i feel like hes been doing it our whole 3 year past on and off again relationship. i have zero trust for him. some key things he said was i havent done it recently. i didnt actually cheat on you. ive been emotionally abusing you. i have bad self esteem and cant commit. i cant imagine having sex with one person the rest of my life. im immature. i figured you were doing it....fuck you. i dont work as hard as i say i do. i found out a lot of shit going through his phone. asking for numbers and to go on dates. with what money, you broke asshole? you probably fucked so many girls and just continue to fuck me? literally sick to my stomach 

damn fucking right you are. you are a fat piece of shit going no where in life who just lost the best thing that ever happened to you. you will realize soon how stupid you are. yu need to get your shit together and figure out your life. it really hit me talking to my mom and she started to cry telling me that i deserve so much better and i do. i made a mistake too but i damn well deserve better than you. 

[gypsytit]

truthfully, I feel like a hamster running around a wheel trying to burn off some energy so I can lie down and feel ok about it, but it's like the more I run around the more energy I have and lately I've really been thinking about my lack of self control, like, it's astounding how I can't just eat one or two of something, I gotta eat the whole damn box and then maybe buy another one, like, I cant just enjoy a couple of beers, I want another and another and I want to drink each one faster than the last and I want to chase them down with something stronger as if the answer to every question I contain is swimming around at the bottom of the bottle and I can't just smoke one cigarette when I'm buzzing and I'm floating up above the stupid solid ground, I gotta smoke the whole damn pack and then maybe ask around for another, you know, and I'm not really sure why that is or what I'm supposed to do about it, like do I just tell myself to stop? If I could just tell myself to stop I think I'd have a lot less issues like, I wouldn't find myself in these spirals of self doubt and second guessing myself that make me feel like a worthless fucking rodent, like I don't even deserve to open my fucking mouth because anything that comes out of it is just gonna be met with ridicule, like I gotta lose a lot of weight because I don't even deserve to take up all the space I already do, and maybe that's why so many girls got these problems, like they measure their worth by looking in the mirror and turning to the side, and the closer they are to disappearing the less they have to apologize for, and truthfully I'm sick of apologizing for things I can't control cause I'm pretty sure I have no right to speak on God's behalf, and I guess sometimes I forget I'm a woman, not a girl, a human, not a child, suffering and learning just like every other damn creature in this race, and I guess sometimes I forget I deserve my voice, and my body, just like everybody else does. sometimes I really wonder what it would've been like if I'd kept going on the path I was on, towards hard drugs or homelessness or prostitution or maybe, freedom? but I remember sitting on the grass in Central Park or waking up in a truck stop somewhere in Canada or maybe it was washing myself in a public bathroom in New Jersey and realizing that the life I was chasing, the person I was looking for, that wasn't freedom. freedom wasn't driving without a destination or sleeping in the backseat of my car, crammed in between boxes and bags; I wasn't going to find it wandering down times square or looking down at Niagara falls or meditating in random fields. freedom didn't mean not working for someone else, not being attached to someone else, not loving anyone. freedom didn't mean being broke, alone, and filthy. the ultimate freedom, I think, is loving yourself. loving yourself and not giving a fuck what anyone says or thinks about you, just being the most genuine version of you. freedom from your own damn self. I've finally calmed down and gotten rid of some of that energy, after eating nearly an entire pizza hut pizza so I guess i'll lie down and stare at a book until I fall asleep.