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#you can't let it die. that would be wrong.
missadangel · 2 days
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The Heart of Rome (Marcus Acacius x Reader)
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Chapter 4: The Desire (+18 MDNI-SMUT)
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"Ubi amor ibi fides."
Where there is love, there is faith.
“Tell me who you are,” Acacius waited for the answer to come from between your lips, his eyes lingering on the curve of them.
You knew it was time. There was no point in dragging it out any longer. 
“Marcus, I-”
He was taken aback at first, but he liked it when you called him by his first name. He kept questioning you, though, still waiting for an answer.
The door of the room was suddenly knocked on from outside. It was his squire. Acacius turned his head angrily.
"Don't disturb me!" he commanded.
"Sir, it's urgent!"
Acacius looked into your eyes for the last time, then withdrew his hands and turned towards the door.
"Come in!”
Acacius' squire Cato came in, looking very worried. 
"Sir, you've been summoned from Collis Palatium (Palatine Hill). It's an emergency." He was out of breath.
"Take it easy and let me know what's going on, Cato."
"They said, Emperor Geta has been poisoned, sir. The Empress wants to see you."
You covered your mouth in shock. After all, he was your half-brother. Acacius looked at you and then back at Cato. "Why is she calling me? I'm not a medicus."
"I'm not sure, sir, but I was told she wanted to speak to you. The guard with the horse said so. He's waiting for you outside to accompany you sir.”
Acacius nodded and let out a deep sigh. 
“Take me with you," you said suddenly.
He turned to you. "No, it might be too late by now."
"I can help him," you said loudly.
"Maybe you can't. I won't throw you into this recklessly,” he hissed.
"Are you going to let him die? It would be disastrous for Rome if he dies. He may not be the best ruler, but he's on the throne and an emperor in the end. I know he rules better than Caracalla. You know that too. You can't just leave Rome's fate in his hands."
Acacius put his hands on his waist, thinking, uncertain, but knowing you were right.
“I didn't know you were so interested in politics,” he teased, crossing his arms.
“I'm just observing things,” you shrugged. “Please let me come,” you said pleadingly.
His brow furrowed, and he raised his index finger as if in warning.
"You will stay in your cloak in the carriage and you will not show your face to anyone until I say so. If I need you, you will come when I tell you. Is that clear?"
You nodded. “Yes, sir.”
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The upper class Roman citizens settled on the Palatine Hill and built magnificent palaces. Emperors lived here in palaces called Domus. Caracalla and Geta did not get on well, but they both stayed in the same palace, The Domus Severiana. This imposing structure was located southeast of Capitoline Hill and the Colosseum.
The carriage arrived at the Palatine Hill in the twilight. You and the General barely spoke the whole way, both of you feeling tense in different ways. He was nervous because he had brought you with him, and you were worried that you would not be able to help Geta in time. You needed to know what kind of poisoning it was. You were almost an expert, but you weren't sure how well you could do without Vicius, your uncle. If you do something wrong and he dies, you could be in trouble. The General was aware of this, and it was worrying him.
Domus Severiana had no entrance from the street because it did not face the street. Security issues were undoubtedly the reason. In fact, all you could see were high walls, and not a single window facing the street. As the carriage stops, Acacius looked at you directly. "Put on your cloak and wait until Octavius arrives."
You nodded and did as he said, pulling your cloak over your head. 
"I'll check on the situation, and if there's nothing left to do by the time I leave, you must return to the villa. Do you understand?"
"Understood."
Acacius looked at you one last time before turning towards the giant door of the courtyard, concern on his face. "I hope," you murmured as you looked behind him. "I hope you don't die, brother. And I hope I can help you."
A moment later, you heard the sound of a horse's hooves hitting the ground as it ran and you turned your head in that direction.  Octavius pulled the reins of his horse and stopped it right next to the chariot. He leapt down and regarded the scene with a keen eye.
"My Lady," he greeted, "I wonder if there might be any news?"
You shook your head. "The General is inside," you replied.
He nodded, "I'll see if he needs me," and went inside.
It was dark now, and you were eager to get moving. You were ready to get out of the cart and rush inside, but when you saw Octavius coming out of the courtyard, you decided to wait it out.
"The general said you should leave," he said quietly. From the look on his face, you could tell he didn't agree with him.
"Is it too late for him?” You swallowed hard.
“He said he doesn't look well. I think it's his last moments.”
You frowned at him. "I can save him, just like I saved the general. You know that, don't you?"
He gave you a look that seemed to say he was in agreement. But he was just following orders from his General. “Acacius ordered me to accompany you to the villa.”
You closed your eyes, took a deep breath, stood up, and jumped out of the carriage. Octavius stopped you by extending his big arm out in front of you.
"The General's orders are clear, my lady."
 "I cannot let him die like this. If this gets out of Rome, Our enemies will undoubtedly spread the rumour that the Roman Emperor died of a simple poison and did not even have a skilled medicus to cure him. This would be an attack that could potentially weaken the Empire, and we can not allow that to happen.”
Octavius was too stunned by your words. 
‘My lady, you speak more wisely than the emperors, you are full of surprises indeed.’ He smiled.
First of all, as a medicus who saves lives, it never felt right to do nothing and let him die. You were determined to do it, even if he was not your brother, even if he was not the emperor. As a patient who needs help.
“I'll answer to the General,” you said to reassure Octavius. “But, sir, we don't have much time.” 
Octavius nodded, then inhaled deeply. “Even if you answer him, he'll punch me in the face for sure.”
You walked with him to the gate of the courtyard, he gestured to the guards waiting at the gate, one of the guards knocked the gate with fist without turning his body, squinting at you, and the large gold-embroidered gate swung open.  
The main courtyard was enormous. As you entered, you were greeted by a rectangular fountain with a motif of four peltas (shields used by the famous female Amazon warriors). The walls were decorated with frescoes, the courtyards and colonnaded porticoes were covered with elegant marble, and statues adorned the fountain and porticoes. Some of those statues were of family members. The biggest and most central one was of Septimius Severus himself, your father.
As you passed the statue, you took a quick look around, not knowing who it was, and made your way to the second courtyard. A large fountain and the same columns stood in this courtyard, but the marble was a different color. It was a truly beautiful sight. As soon as you crossed from this courtyard to the back courtyard, Acacius, who was talking to Julia Domna, noticed you and scowled. Julia Domna was looking sad, too. On the upper balcony, probably in the part of the emperor's chambers, you saw a lot of movement. Slaves were in a rush.
The Empress was clearly surprised, "That girl."
Acacius glanced at Octavius and his face clearly showed his growing tension. 
"If I can help, Your Highness," you said, bowing your head.
"How can you help? General, what does that mean?" she looked at him with a frown.
You answered before he could, the whole thing was so unnecessary, especially when time was so limited.
"I know I'm a woman and I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm an experienced medicus. I'm here to save our emperor. Please allow me, highness.”
“Is that true, General?” She asked, her eyes on you.
Acacius squinted at you and then looked at at her and nodded. “She is the one who saved me highness, so, yes it is true.”
“But Medici has already said there is nothing more that can be done,” she said in a tearful voice.
"My Lady, we're wasting time here. Please take me to him and see what I can do to help.”
Julia nodded, looking very desperate.
“Well, he needs all the help he can get, you must be skilled to heal the General, but I trust him not you, not yet, don’t forget that.”
You noticed the General clench his jaw.
"Come with me now,” Julia gesturing with her hand.
While you were all going up the stairs, following her behind, Caracalla, who was leaning on the balustrade in front of Geta's room on the second floor, watching everything meanwhile.
“Lover, Slave, Medicus, so many things hiding under that beautiful face of yours,’ he said sarcastically. You nodded at him but didn’t like the smile on his face. There was no hint of sadness in his eyes. He seemed far from sad.
Julia stared at him with determination. "We'll do what we can, won't we? For your brother.”
“All the medici have already done enough, mother,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Or don't you trust my own medicus?”
You wanted to slap him in the face as he was standing in the doorway stalling you. How could he talk so carelessly when every second was precious? He might not love his brother much, but his behaviour was leading you to suspect him and you hated it.
Julia gently touch his shoulder. “I trust him as much as I trust you, my handsome boy. You trust me, don't you?”
Whatever Caracalla sensed in her voice, he didn't like it, and his eyes sharpened. But he quickly recovered his expression and smiled. “Hurry, then,” he said, pointing with both arms to the door leading to Geta's room.
Julia looked at you, "Just you." You saw the General before entering the Geta’s room. He was visibly nervous.
You were certain he'd give you a scolding when you got back to the villa.
When Julia led you through the door, you saw the golden dressing screen first. Opposite, was a large table with kinds of fruits and flowers on it and two chairs. Just beyond, in the opposite corner of the large window, where the golden curtains hung, was a large bed, covered with a red veil so thin that you could see the emperor lying on his bed. 
An old man, who was undoubtedly the medicus Caracalla mentioned just ago, looked at you with curiosity.
“Your Highness,” he nodded, his eyes were on you.
“She will check our emperor,” she said firmly.
“But this is a girl and-“  
“I said, I want her to check my son’s condition.” Her voice was sharp.
“Yes, highness.” The man bowed his head and stepped aside, squinting at you, Julia crossed her arms and gestured at you. You turned your head to Geta, lying motionless on his bed, a thick satin sheet draped over him. He was wearing a red tunic with gold embroidery, he seemed delirious, his golden blond hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, his skin was almost white, you quickly lifted the bedclothes, took his arm in your hands and examined it. It was swollen, red, his neck had the same symptoms, it was definitely plant poisoning.
“Hemlock?” You murmured.
The man opened his eyes wide. “But how-“
Julia was surprised too. “Yes, they said that. Now that you've realised that quickly, you can make an antidote, can't you?”
You put your hand on Geta's forehead and checked his body temperature. It was burning. "We need to lift the covers now," you said, and grabbed the covers with your hands, lifting them completely off him and pushing them to the other side of the bed.
“I asked you if you could make an antidote!”
You ignored her question and asked, "How long has he been like this? Has there been any vomiting? Was it something he ate or drank?"
She froze for a second, thinking quickly. "It was after dinner. He threw up a lot, yes, and then he fainted. He was delirious."
"That's good. The vomiting," you said, checking his neck and lips with your fingers. You parted Geta's lips, still and pale. There was a little bit of food in his mouth, on the edge of his tongue, and you put it in a clean cloth and put it aside. They didn't even make him drink some water? “He needs to drink water and-“
“But highness, he shouldn't be uncovered like this, he will get cold, we need to keep his body warm,” the other medicus interrupted you angrily. Julia frowned.
You rolled your eyes and stood up. “Sir, you obviously have knowledge, but I don't think you've ever dealt with hemlock poisoning before. His body is fighting with poison right now, so we need to lower his body temperature. In fact, we need to get as much fresh air in here as possible. Please be sure open all the windows and I need clean water and cloths.”
“You heard her!” Julia shouted at the emperor's slaves. Then she turned to the other medicus. 
“Is it true? That you've never encountered hemlock poisoning before and you've never treated it and you didn't tell me?” Her voice was so sharp and loud that he trembled with fear.
“You've been living in this palace as a medicus for years, maybe even longer than this girls age. But you can't do anything against this poison. Even this girl knows more than you. And you have the nerve to tell me that my son doesn't have much time left?”
“Your Majesty! I did not want to upset you-”
“Get out!” She barked.
Then she turned to you. “Antidote?”
“No, there is no antidote for hemlock,” you shook your head. “But I can get the poison out of his body in the most undamaged way possible.”
Julia was confused. “So you mean I can hope that, my son won't die?”
You smiled at her. “No, at least not tonight, highness. I ask you to trust me.”
She nodded, “Do whatever it takes to heal him,” her eyes filled with tears.
When the water and cloth you asked for arrived soon, you put them on the bedside table, dipped the cloth into it, squeezed it a little, put the cloths on his forehead and neck, and took your medical bottles out of your bag.
“What are you doing?” Julia asked curiously. 
“I'll have to make an herbal mixture to-.”
“Didn't a plant already poisoned him?”
“Yes, but to reduce and neutralize this poison… Can I use the kitchen? I'll need to examine the food he ate for dinner and the drink he drank.”
“All right, come with me.”
You left him alone on the bed and went out with Julia while the slaves opening all the windows one by one, as you'd asked. The General and Octavius were waiting just outside the door. Caracalla was the first to notice you. 
He approached you two, looking you over, and then turned to his mother. “Mother?"
"He'll be fine. Let's pray for him," she said, putting his arm around his son. Then she called to one of the slaves, "Take her to the kitchen," pointing at you. Acacius was looking at you, but Julia stepped between you. "General Acacius, I need you to do something for me. Come with me," she commanded. 
Reluctantly he had to go with her and he must be hated it.
You called Octavius over as you and the General were walking in different directions. The slaves went ahead and showed you the way to the kitchen.
"Sir, I need your help with something.”
“Of course, what is it?”
"I was going to ask you to help me in the kitchen. We need to be quick."
Octavius nodded. He trusts you.
"Do you know where the empress and the general have gone?"
"She trusts the General, so she is having him question those who cooked and served the emperor's food. But what I don't understand. Everyone must have eaten the same food, right? Why is only Emperor Geta poisoned?”
“Thats why we're here, to find out.”
There was no one in the kitchen because they had gathered all the cooks and other slaves in the other courtyard like he said. 
You asked one of the slaves to help you get the bowl Geta had eaten from and the others. He went to the dining hall and brought the bowls that the other medicus had examined. You took a piece from Geta's bowl and put it on another plate. 
You took a quick sniff, without bringing your nose too close. You knew that the smell of hemlock was very pungent, but this didn't smell like it. That was a bit unexpected. You put the remains from the corner of Geta's mouth on the other side of the plate and compared them. It was clear that he had eaten from this bowl. You quickly looked at the remains of the food in the bowls and cauldrons where the others had eaten. They were all the same and there was no sign of poison in any of them. 
"It wasn't what he ate," you murmured. "It's what he drank," your eyes locked onto the wine cups. 
Octavius and the other slaves looked at each other, watching you curious to see what you'd do next. You looked at the slaves as you compared the cups. "Can someone tell me which is the emperor's drinking cup? Has a new wine jar been opened recently?"
They exchanged glances and murmured.
"Does she mean the one that that slave just opened today?"
"Maybe."
“Explain please?" you asked.
“One of the slaves spilled the wine during the drinks service, the emperors got pretty mad and told him to bring a new one. He ran to the kitchen and came back with a new decanter.
"And he poured it into Emperor Geta's cup first, didn't he?" you asked. Everything seemed to be cleared up, although you still didn't know what exactly had poisoned him.
"Show us that decanter now!" Octavius barked.
The slave girl nodded and ran into the dining hall to do as he said. A moment later she came running back with the decanter, but you got angry when she spilled some on the floor.
"Be careful! It must be poisoned!”
You quickly poured the wine into a cup and took a sample. The smell was a bit unusual, but you were relieved when your nose recognized it, you encountered before, back Egypt.
"Amanita muscaria," you said quietly. "He mixed it in with his wine."
"What's that?" 
You glanced up at Octavius. "It's a poisonous mushroom, made into an herbal extract and mixed into his wine. It's not an easy process, and not everyone can do it.”
You remembered the medicus from earlier. But you had better things to do right now than to blame him. The next step is to remove the poison from Geta's body. To do that, you had to make a natural antibiotic. You got the ingredients out of your bag and started making it right away, but then you had a sudden realization: everyone who cooks and serves food is about to die.
“Sir, please inform the General, I don't think it's the other slaves or cooks’ fault.”
Octavius nodded and turned on his heel and rushed out. You were praying as you making the herbal concoction with the help of the slaves standing beside you. While not as potent as hemlock, mushroom poison was still quite deadly, especially when combined with alcohol. But fortunately, unlike it, it is possible to make an antidote.
After what felt like an eternity, you finally finished the concoction and headed for the courtyard to go upstairs in rush. The other slaves ran behind you, stumbling as they tried to keep up with you on the stairs. You went into the room, put the bowl on Geta's bedside, and leaned over to check on him. You had so much you wanted to say, so much that hurt, but as a medicus, you were used to focusing on doing your job properly.
All you could think about was getting him better as soon as possible. You gave him the herbal concoction to drink with his slaves help. His breathing was weak, but you made him drink it all. You bowed your head when Caracalla came into the room. He was angry.
"Did you ask them to interrogate my slave?"
That slave who served Geta belonged to him, no surprise.
"He was poisoned by what he drank, not what he ate, and that makes him the prime suspect."
"Are you accusing me, you whore? Who do you think you are?”
He barked quite loudly, and at that moment, as you looked into his eyes, which were glowing with anger, you knew for sure that he was responsible for this. You forced yourself to remain calm.
"Never, Your highness. I would never accuse you of something your slave did."
He came closer to you, his eyes filled with menace. "Once my brother's long gone, all your show of healing will be in vain, and you'll be the one who answer for it, I’ll make sure of that."
You want to blame everyone but yourself, you cunt, you thought as you looked into his eyes.
You were both startled by a sudden deep cough. When you turned to look at him, Geta was propped up on his elbow on the bed, staring at you. 
"Who dares to make so much noise at my bedside?"
"Highness!" You couldn't believe your eyes to see him awake.
Geta raised his eyebrows, squinting. "You? Am I dreaming? Must be seductive one,” he smirked.
“Brother!” Caracalla rushed to his side and leaned over the edge of the bed. He was certainly a very good actor, you had to hand it to him.
“What happened to me? What is she doing here?” Geta was looking at you with his pale but alive face. Seeing him like that a proud smile spread across your face.
“Don't you remember?” Caracalla asked curiously.
“I remember I threw up like damn fountain, after drinking the disgusting wine, and then it was a bit dark,” he murmured, pursing his lips.
“My son!”
Julia burst into the room. The slaves must have informed her immediately. With a gentle touch, she led Caracalla to sit on the edge of the bed and hugged Geta. Caracalla stood up and crossed his arms. 
As you looked at them from where you stood, you felt envious that his mother was alive so she could worry for him, hug him, kiss him. You never had that chance and never will. 
“You are indeed a good medicus, what will you become next, I wonder.” The implication in Caracalla's voice sent shivers down your spine, you could almost imagine what he would do when he found out the truth about you.
Julia stood up and came to you, and for the first time you saw sincerity in her eyes.
“You gave me back my son's life, how should I reward you?”
“I have only fulfilled my duty, Your Majesty.”
“How decent.” Caracalla muttered.
“My head is still spinning,” Geta gasped, lying back on the bed.
“You should get some more rest your highness, and keep drinking the concoction through the night,” you said as you looked at him.
Geta sniffed the concoction and a disgusted expression settled on his face. “This is the most disgusting shit I've ever smelled. What’s in it?”
Just as you were about to say, he silenced you by raising his hand. “Don't you dare tell me, I don't want to know.” Then covered his face with his arm and pointed at you with his other hand. “I am indebted to you. Provide her with whatever she desires, mother.”
"That is very kind of you, but my sole desire is to see you recover," you said sincerely.
Caracalla laughed out loud which made you startled, Julia rolled her eyes, Geta laughed too.
What was so funny?
Geta turned his head to you as he was lying on the bed. “I get better why the General is so fond of you.”
When you heard his name, you looked at the door, but he wasn't there. 
"Let's give highness some space to rest," Julia said, gesturing to the door.
Caracalla pursed his lips, and you could tell from the look in his eyes that he wasn't happy at all. Julia took your arm, you were a little startled but you stayed still. "Are you sure you don't want anything? Everything has a price, and everyone has something they want in return."
You looked at her face as you walked down the hall together. "I just want good days for Rome, Your Highness. That's all I want.”
“It will be so, since you saved our emperor,” she smiled. 
You were beginning to warm to her, but something inside you kept telling you were putting yourself in danger. 
“I see you live with him as the General's medicus. Is it true you saved him in Egypt?”
You swallowed, but you had to tell the truth.
“Yes.”
“You lived there? He brought you here?”
You nodded.
“Do you have a name?”
“Highness!”
Macrinus came running down the hallway towards you. His eyes met yours, and you knew instantly that he carried a warning message. 
"I'm truly sorry for what happened. I came as soon as I heard. Could you please let me know how our emperor is doing now?”
"He's better now, thanks to this girl. It seems your and Caracalla's medicus wasn't as good as this girl."
Macrinus' expression made it clear he was not pleased. 
“Thankfully, he's alive. We should probably offer a sacrifice to the Gods.”
"I'll do that first thing tomorrow, but I'm not sure you're being completely sincere. You haven't called off the council meeting tomorrow, have you?"
"I would if it wasn't so important, but I thought Emperor Caracalla would lead it. He agreed."
From the way he looked at you, you knew immediately that the meeting was about you.
"If I could speak to His Majesty-"
"No, he will rest. Caracalla is also very tired, maybe you should come tomorrow. It has been a very hard night.”
"Have the perpetrators been punished? Who is responsible?" Macrinus was very curious, which made you also suspect him.
“The General is dealing with that,” she said with cruel smile.
You felt a pang of guilt for having forgotten him amidst the chaos.
"Your Highness, if I may, I would like to ensure that the General and I have completed our duties here.”
"I perceive that you are fatigued; they shall accompany you. You may leave.”
“Thank you.”
You nodded to them and hastened to the general, disregarding Macrinus' disapproving gaze. 
As you walked briskly towards the main courtyard, you thought it would be a good idea to get out of there with the general as soon as possible. You assumed he was upset that you hadn't listened to him. When you passed the tall pink marble column with gold inlay on the sides and came out into the main courtyard, you saw Octavius first. He was standing opposite the general and looking down at something. Then you saw the general himself, with his back to you. To see what he was looking at, you had to get past the stunted trees. Then, as you got closer, you noticed the strong smell of iron and then saw the sword in the general's hand. You were taken aback to realize that the smell was of blood dripping from his sword onto the ground. 
Then you saw people in slave clothes lying on the ground, including Caracalla's medicus. You were petrified. Julia and Caracalla must have had the General do their dirty work. When Octavius looked up at you, the General turned around and his eyes met yours. There was blood on his sandals, his leather armor, and his neck. His face was expressionless. When you saw him like that, you felt fear and horror. But when his expression changed and he looked sad, you threw all your fears aside and approached him. He pulled back and turned his head away. He wiped his sword on a rag Octavius handed him and sheathed it. 
"You saved him," he said, wiping the blood away from his leather armor.
"Yes, the empress said we could head out now,” your voice broke.
It wasn't just that they killed these people without a trial. They even had the General do this dirty job, and it made you angry. You forced yourself to ignore the people who were lying on the ground, lifeless.
You didn't like the way he avoided looking at you though, so you went over and took his hand, pulling him closer. "We're done here, General. Shall we go?" You touched his face with your hand and turned him towards you. His brown eyes shone like gems in the light of torches on the courtyard walls.
"Wait for me in the carriage. I'm not done yet,” he said coldly.
"I'll take care of it, sir," Octavius said, clearly worried about his friend. "Please go to your villa and rest." 
"You heard him. I want to go. I'm exhausted," you said, tugging on his arm, but he was like a statue and wouldn't budge.
Acacius turned his head to him.
Was he ignoring you?
“Thank you, my friend.”
But he must not have liked you tugging on his arm, so he grabbed your arm instead, you liked the way he touched you with a protective instinct. As you strode out of the courtyard, your gaze fixed on the general's face, you felt a sharp, piercing pain in your heart. You were not used to seeing him like this. You would have done anything to see him smile again.
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It was after midnight when the carriage arrived at the villa, there was no moonlight tonight, it was quite dark. The General was silent the whole time, he joined you in very short sentences when you told him what you had done to save Geta. It was hard to tell if it was because he was angry with you or because he had to kill those people against his will. He was a man of justice and honor, it must have been hard for him, and you felt very sorry for him. You checked his beautiful face as you entered the courtyard of the Villa, still looks upset, it was getting unbearable. Without thinking, you stepped in front of him and put one arm around his waist and one around his neck and embraced him. You could feel the surface of the leather armor under your skin as you pressed your cheek against his chest. 
“I'm sorry you had to do that.”
"I was on the verge of doing more,” he said in a sharp tone, almost as sharp as his sword.
You gazed up at his face to ascertain what he was talking about. In the gloom of the night, with only the light from the torch on the wall of the courtyard, the color of his eyes appeared to be very dark. “If you couldn't save him, she was ready to kill you. She was so mad and was willing to spill blood. I made my plan right in that moment. I was as ready as she was."
You swallowed hard, wondering if he was talking about a suicide plan.
“To her, you saved yourself by saving his son. That's it. She put Caracalla's medicus life on the line without a second thought. She could have done the same thing to you," he hissed.
You felt guilty when you sensed the tremor in his voice.
“I'm sorry, I disobeyed you.”
“You'd better be,” he muttered.
You took a step back and looked at him. Finally his expression had softened, and you felt a sense of relief.
“But you were going to kill the empress and the emperors just for a slave girl?” Raising your eyebrows curiously.
He smirked. “Wasn't it you who shout in my face that you were not a slave?”
You bit your lip and gave a shy smile. “I did. I’m sorry for that too.”
“And you still didn’t tell me who you are.”
“I will, but, with all due respect you haven't answered my question, General.”
He lowered his head and looked you in the eye. “Not just for a slave, I'd kill them all for you even if I don’t know who you are.”
He couldn't have been more seductive with that sharp tone, your heart began to race. But no matter how tempting it was that he was ready to kill anyone for you, you couldn't get out of your mind what Macrinus had said before. You couldn't bear to make the General look guilty when he knew nothing about it.
“Can I tell you tomorrow? I'm really tired. It's been a long day and night."
“It certainly was. Fair enough. Tomorrow then.”
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The next day, you woke up feeling so tired you didn't want to get out of bed. You had a lot of bad dreams about the General. You also thought about Caracalla's attitude, how ready he was to kill you, Julia's cruelty, and what she made the General do. It was all torturing you, and you didn't know how to deal with it. You were sure that even if Geta recovered thanks to you, he wouldn't support the General against Senate. There was nothing but tension between those two. Macrinus was so keen for you to introduce the congress tomorrow that he didn't even care that the emperor almost died. You knew that man's determination well enough. He wasn't going to back down from this, no matter what. He was only interested in power. He wasn't helping you because he cares about you. 
 He was using you as a pawn to achieve his goal. And you were aware of that. It's possible that everything he said about your father was untrue. Who knows what will happen to you when you show up in the council meeting. Or the general. You hated being in the middle of everything and didn't want to put the general in danger, so you felt your heart ache as you forced yourself to admit that the only thing to do was to leave. You wanted to go home, to your old land, where no one could reach you. If you could be invisible like before, maybe everything would be as it should be and the general wouldn't do anything to put himself in danger. It was a dumb idea, though. You weren't the type to run away. The emperors and their mothers had already seen you, and your absence when Macrinus convened the senate would have been an admission that you had run away. They would find you no matter where you went. There was no escape.
No, that's not an option. With so few options on the table, it was down to just one. However, there was something you wanted to do before telling him who you were. Now that you know for sure how you feel about him. As Aya, you wanted to do something as his slave. Yes, you were ready, maybe not physically yet, but you were absolutely sure as mentally.
A moment later the door opened and Norell walked in.
“Aya, are you okay? Master told me to check in on you.”
You sat up to look at her.
“I’m alright, nothing to worry about.”
“It's almost evening and you're still on the bed,” she complained.
Almost evening? Has it really been that long? Norell closed the door and came over.
“Or is it your moon? Do you want me to get you something warm?”
Fortunately, there were still a few days until then.
“No, I'm just a bit tired.”
“Yes, you came late last night, it was you who healed the emperor, but the master warned us to keep our mouths shut.”
“Well, I did what I could, yes. Is he all right?”
“The master? Yes, why?”
"Yesterday was a very tiring day for him and for me."
"He took his bath in the morning and then asked about you while he was eating, but he seemed fine."
Right, the bath.
"Shall we go to the bath today?" you asked her. You needed to take a bath before the night.
"Today? But I'm still bleeding, you know," she said, pursing her lips.
"Oh, right."
"But I don't think the master will mind you using the balneum," she said with a wink. "Is there any particular reason you wanted to take a bath today?" She raised her eyebrows suggestively.
When she saw you blush, a wide smile spread across her face. 
"Ah, so tonight's the night?" She clapped her hands gleefully. 
"Shhh, be quiet."
"No wonder you've been so pensive all morning."
You let out a deep sigh. She was right; you had definitely thought about it too, a lot. 
"But you haven't eaten anything yet. Why not come with me and eat something in the kitchen?" "Then I'll help you take a bath.”
"I'm fortunate to have you," you said, smiling, hugging her, looking at her reddish-orange hair, which represented ginger, thinking about what would happen after you revealed yourself. You didn't want to lose her friendship.
As you were leaving the room, you were pretty surprised to see the General right outside the door. Was he about to knock?
“I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.”
Norell bowed her head and walked away to leave you two alone, giggling meanwhile.
You ignored her and eyed him up and down. He was wearing a white tunic with gold leaf embroidery on the hems, a brown belt with embroidery of the same colour and pattern, and a red shawl over it, as if representing Mars himself, which was stunningly attractive. You tried to stay calm, but it was hard.
“I'm alright, well, I guess I'm still tired from yesterday.”
"I see. It must have been quite tiring for you. I didn't get a chance to ask you much yesterday because I was angry with you, but now I understand better how hard it was for you," he said in a soft, velvety tone.
He looked better than yesterday, the anger and sadness in his eyes were gone, and seeing him like this filled you with joy. It was so hard to wait till night.
"But you promised for today," he said, his voice gentle but insistent.
"Yes, if it's not too much to ask, could I come to your room tonight?”
Acacius' brown eyes met yours, first with a hint of surprise, then with a growing sense of excitement. 
"You picked the perfect time to talk," he said with a smirk. You felt your cheeks flush, and at that moment, you felt a strange moisture between your legs. It was a new feeling for you, a combination of lust and desire. It was wonderful, full of life.
"I have to go for a while, but I'll be back tonight."
"May I ask where you're going?"
His smile faded but his expression was soft. “I need to see how the emperor, Geta, is doing. Other members of the senate are going to visit today. Sort of like a visit to see if he's still alive, I suppose.”
"Oh, I see. One more thing, I was wondering if I could use the balneum. Norell said she couldn't come to the baths and I didn't want to go by myself."
"Don't go," he said abruptly. "To the baths. I mean, never. The balneum is yours.”
“Thank you,” you said with a shy smile.
He took your hand and kissed the top of it.
"Enjoy your bath, wait for my return at night," he said almost commandingly, looking under his eyebrows.
He touched your cheek, where it was blushing, and gave you a gentle stroke. Then he walked out of the courtyard. Even though you felt a little abandoned by his leaving, you were pretty excited because you knew he was coming back, so now was the perfect time for a bath. 
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Norell accompanied you to the balneum, where you had a long chat. Thanks to her and the hot water, you were almost relaxed, and now you had only one thing on your mind. After getting dressed in your room, you combed your hair and applied rose essence with your finger tips on your neck and hair. It was your favorite, helps you to stay calm, and it smells so nice. 
It was almost night time but the General still hadn't returned, he had been gone a long time and you were getting worried. It was like bedtime for Norell and the other slaves. Cato, the General's squire, was waiting for his arrival in the courtyard. The water flowing from the fountain provided a soothing backdrop to the night, accompanied by the sounds of crickets. While you were playing with the water from the fountain, the black cat you had named Mau suddenly appeared and crossed between your feet, brushing its tail against your skin. She's been away for a while, and you missed her much. 
You picked her up, thinking it would be a good idea to play with her for a while, but she quickly got out of your arms and jumped down. She went to the west side of the courtyard, where the General's chamber was, and meowed at you. It looked like she wanted to show you something. You were curious, so you went over to her. She meowed and ran past the door and into the garden where you first officially met the general. It was hard to keep up with her speed, but you rushed to open the door and enter the garden. She was licking the remains of food on the ground. She probably stole something from the kitchen and brought it here, but she must have still been hungry. Tullia usually shooed her off, so she probably came straight to you. You felt sorry for her, so you went to the kitchen to get her something. 
You opened the door slowly and sneaked in. The kitchen was pretty tidy. You opened one of the food bowls, added some food, and closed the door. She started to meow louder and louder as she caught the scent.
“Sshh, you'll get us both caught,” you whispered.
You went back to the General's garden, afraid that Tullia would find a bowl on the floor in the morning and get angry. Mau ate all the food happily with a purr that made you smile. Once she was done, she licked herself clean with her paw and curled up next to you, ready to fall into a peaceful sleep. Unlike her, you were not so sleepy, you lay down on the grass to watch the stars, twinkle like jewels in the dark sky. It was mesmerizing.
"I hope you don't find yourself falling asleep there again."
You were startled by his voice. When did he arrive? You sat up and looked around. It was hard to see in the dark, so you looked up towards his balcony and noticed him. He was standing with his arms leaning on the balustrade, watching you from above. He had a wonderful smile on his face.
You stood up, quickly brushed your dress and hair with your hands and headed for the stairs. As you took each step, you felt your excitement and nervousness growing. When you got to the last step and were on the same level as him, he took his hands off the balustrade and looked at you.
You smiled when you realized from that distance that he was just as excited as you were. In the darkness of the night, in his white tunic, he shone like the stars in the sky, as if he had just descended to earth through them. As you approached him, he took a few steps towards you, never breaking eye contact. He closed the gap between you slowly, and you saw his dark brown eyes in a way you had never seen them before. They were dark but sparkling, full of desire, an open invitation to you that you couldn't refuse.
You stood there for a while, just speaking with your eyes. At first, you weren't sure how or what to do. You didn't know how to kiss. You'd never kissed anyone before, but you were eager to learn and you really wanted to touch his lips.
You reach up and pull his face closer to yours. You closed your eyes and tried to make your clumsy lips work, hoping that your kiss would be seen as acceptable. You brushed your lips against his and kissed his lower lip. Then you pulled back and looked at his face to see how he reacted. A gentle breeze came from his nose and between his lips, hitting your face.
Was he laughing? You probably looked a bit silly because it was your first kiss. You felt a bit embarrassed.
“My apologies, I've never kissed anyone before,” you murmured.
“Then you'll have to learn,” he said softly. “Allow me to teach you.”
He puts his hand under your chin to make you look up before kissing you. Then pressed his lips against yours with all the passion he has. And Gods! He was a very passionate man. You're so shocked that your first impulse is to reject him. But your slight push on his muscular shoulders doesn’t do anything to stop him. If anything, his kiss gains intensity.
He ventures a hand to your waist pulling you closer. When he started to lightly touch your lips with his tongue you parted your lips and let his tongue touch yours, not hurried but restrained. His tongue tasted like sweet wine, the sweet smell of his skin took your breath away, your blood raced, boiled under his lips. The way his mouth explores yours, the way he keeps rubbing his body against yours, all tells you to surrender to him. Instinctively you raised your arms to wrap them around his thick neck and tangled your fingers in his curly partially gray hair.
He broke the kiss and smirked. You were out of breath and surprised to find yourself in this situation. "You can stop me by saying no," he murmured while rubbing your earlobe with his nose. He pulled his head back gently, his eyes fixed on yours, waiting for your approval. You could see the passion in them.
“I’m afraid that,” he placing his hand on your chin and stroking with his thumb, “if we go any further, I may not be able to stop myself, and you should know, there's no turning back.”
The thought of it almost broke your heart, you wanted him more than anything, you were almost ready to beg him to kiss you again.
"Are you really certain about this?"
You were certain, and you wanted to throw yourself into his arms.
"I am, sir... Marcus." You took his other hand and placed it on your waist as if it belonged there. "I want to be yours.”
His face lit up with a gorgeous, radiant smile. Piercing you with his brown eyes, his huge hands land delicately on your hip and the contact is so intimate that you have to remember how to breathe. His low, deep voice sounds confident. “You have no idea how long I waited for you to say that.”
And before you can even react, he kisses you, but not as gently as before, much more eager, much more passionate. You completely given yourself to him with each deep, passionate kiss. 
His long, thick fingers traced a path from your neck to the hollow of your back, then to the knot of the thin belt you had tied around your waist. You gasped as he quickly undid it, and you found yourself in his arms.
He lifted you so easily in his strong muscular arms, your heart felt like it was going to burst out of your chest when the air hit your face as he carried you to his room. He set you down, near to his bed, you didn't break eye contact as he slowly undresses you, you were sure your cheeks were redder than ever. The dress falls to the floor and gathers around your feet. He pulls your hair aside to expose your neck and collarbone. The atmosphere in the room changes, and you realize your body is shaking. He must have noticed it too because the tenderness in his eyes turns into something else. 
“You have a rare beauty,” he whispers, stroking your collarbone with his fingers, ”Your skin is like a pearl hidden in an oyster shell for me to open.”
When you averted your eyes from him, he cupped your chin in his hand and turned it toward him.  He scooped you up and lays you gently on the bed. The feel of the soft fabric against your skin is pleasant, but nothing compared to the sight of him standing over you and running his eyes up and down your body. At first you squirm shyly under his piercing gaze, his eyes screaming at you: You are so beautiful. I want you. This not only relaxes you, but also makes your body squirm with anticipation. Hot desire.
Your eyes widened when he took off his tunic, you had noticed how gorgeous his body was while he was bathing, but now it was even more impressive. A strong masculine chest, a muscular stomach and a perfect v line. The scars he has add to his rough beauty, perfect.
Marcus unhurriedly puts his knee on the bed and crawls over your body until he's standing over you. You weren't sure if he was trying to gauge your reaction or trying not to startle you with a sudden movement. He brought his face close to yours and began to run his lips along your neck and ear, his fingers caressing your shoulder to your collarbone, and then your arm. 
“Don't be nervous, try to relax,” he whispered in your ear, and when his warm breath hit your face you were getting impatient. He was being too kind and you were grateful for that, but you wanted to be his, you wanted to know what it felt like.
Then he uses his weight to pin you to the bed. The feeling of bare skin against bare skin is incredible. You start rubbing your body against his, savoring the friction. The contact of his body against yours makes you shiver. It feels thrilling. Arousing.
His mouth eagerly finds yours and turns into an all-consuming kiss. Warm, eager lips slide down from your chin to your collarbone and down between your breasts, sucking your sensitive skin in their path. You've always tried to imagine what men's lips would feel like on your skin, but nothing could prepare you for this overwhelming wave of sensations. It feels better than you think. Your back arches and you find yourself wanting more, more of his hand, more of his eager mouth. He stops and stares at you as he hovers over your breasts. You squirm in impatient anticipation. What is he going to do?
He runs his nose and mouth around your breasts, his hot breath caressing your sensitive skin. Marcus blows lightly on one nipple before bringing it to his hot mouth. He sucks gently at first, making you tingle all over. When his mouth presses on your nipple with long, deep, almost wild sucking movements, the sensation is almost unbearable. You moaned, writhing with pleasure beneath him, his mouth slides down to your stomach, torturing its way south until it reaches your ankles. Then he slowly slides up your leg until he's licking your inner thigh. 
He keeps your body arched as his lips repeat the sensual orbit up and down your other leg. He lifts your leg and pulls you down a little to better position it, puts it on his shoulder. You love that he is so strong and uses his strength to move your body. He runs his warm tongue alternately over both your thighs and slowly approaches the top of your thighs. 
He uses his strong hands to spread your legs, leaving your most sensitive area ready and well exposed to his tongue. A sudden flush of embarrassment makes you raise your arm to shield your eyes as he takes a good look at your most intimate parts. Marcus grasps your arm, pulling it back. "Don’t be embarrassed,” he murmurs. “So beautiful.”
He hums into your folds, making pleasure run through your body. His erection sears your skin, making you aware that he’s getting pleasure from driving you crazy with his mouth.
He kisses the area softly; he flips his tongue and sucks you sensitive lips gently. Relentlessly.
And his tongue finds your most sensitive spot. You gasp, writhe with pleasure as your legs stiffen. You cry out, exchanging your fluttering, flaming tongue for hungry lips. This pleasure is more than you can take. Your muscles tense, your toes curl. You didn't want it to stop, but it was becoming too much. Your insides begin to tremble. Finally he increases the pressure of his suction on your clit. Pleasure, scorching, pure, exquisite pleasure, overwhelms you and you explode. You try to muffle the vocal expressions of your pleasure by biting your lower lip, but he parted your lips with the tip of his finger.
 “Let me hear you,” he says as he gently kisses your lips and chin.
Still on his knees, he takes you in his big arms and embraces you. He kisses you sweetly as you slowly begin to descend from Elysium.
He murmurs satisfyingly. “It’ll be less painful now that you’re so ready for me.” He places soft kisses on your shoulders. “Do you want me to continue?”
You pressed your forehead to his muscular chest and nodded.
He gently lays you on the bed once more, you look at his erection nervously. Like the rest of his body, it is large, hard, and beautiful.
He leans to kiss you and you forget that you're nervous. In a swift move, he puts his hands on your knees, bending them, spreading them apart gently.
“Look at me.”
 You obey. The look on his face is hungry, almost predatory, as he settles between your legs.
You gasp when you feel your Marcus -your General- slowly rubbing against your folds. Coating the tip of his erection in your wetness. You squirm under his torture.
Still keeping your knees spread apart, he bends his body to kiss your mouth. “Even with your incredibly wet response, this will hurt. Tell me when it becomes too much.”
You feel him at your entrance for what feels like an eternity, enjoying the feeling of his erection rubbing your most sensitive spots.
“Surrender,” he commands while gently kissing your face, sensually sliding his hands all over your legs. “Relax.”
You take deep breaths in and out as he kisses first your mouth, then your nipples. He pushes the thick first inch of himself against your tight virgin walls and opens you up. You moan at this foreign sensation and open your eyes wide.
You don't want to say out loud that you don't want him to go deeper, but he reads your body, stops moving and focuses on satisfying the rest of your body while half buried inside you.
His hands have never been as hot on your skin as they are now. He leaves traces on your upper body and makes your body writhe in pleasure. He worships you. He stretches you. He moves slowly, constantly pausing to let your body adjust to him. You breathe sharply, your eyes locked. Your fingernails dig into his back as he starts to penetrate further into you, the pain ripping through your body as you spread to swallow his erection.
Marcus speaks into your neck, his warm breath tingling your skin. “Don't be tense,” he commands in a deep, husky voice that melts you with desire. “Relax, Aya.” He soothes your pain with a long kiss and you open your eyes and feel yourself relax. You love to see him taking your virginity, his beautiful eyes closed on the side of your neck, your body lying vulnerable beneath him. 
When he finally enters you, he lifts his head and looks you up and down, running his hands through your golden hair and looking into your eyes. His pupils dilate. There is a mixture of triumph and tenderness in his eyes.
“You look gorgeous sprawled beneath me.” His breathing is ragged. 
You stay like that for a long time, looking into each other's eyes. Despite the discomfort, you have never felt so close to him and you feel your love for him growing. Similar feelings seem to be burning inside him. The way he is looking at you right now is a combination of admiration, love and lust. You wouldn't change this moment for anything. 
When he feels you are ready, Marcus slowly pulls back, allowing you both to enjoy the painful, exquisite friction. He pushes forward again and you scream at the top of your lungs. The pain is back and you can't decide if this is more pleasure or more pain. All you know is that you don't want him to stop.
A wild growl rises from deep in your throat as he pulls back once more. He groans and slowly thrusts again. And again. Each time in a slow, sensual rhythm. Each time less disturbing and more delicious.
He seems to control himself not to speed up. But it certainly was, Marcus could feel the beast inside him, the beast that was screaming to be released, next time, he thought, not now. His hands leave your knees and grasp your head and kisses you.
It's all too much. The tenderness. The feeling of fullness, the searing warmth of your bodies fitting together like pieces of a puzzle. The thought that even though he's taking his time with you, he's still hard enough to make you feel like you're his. Beads of sweat cover his handsome face. His wheezing breaths on your neck tells you it won't last long.
Your walls are closing more tightly around him now. You feel him trembling. You feel him being released, calling out to you, emptying herself. His sounds of pleasure are music to your ears.
Marcus stays inside you for a while, breathing hard against the side of your neck. You feel his smile on your skin.
When he finally pulls away, it hurts. Both physically and emotionally. You already miss the warm connection between your bodies. He kisses you again and pulls you against his chest.
This whole experience was incredible and unlike anything you have ever experienced before. Every touch, every sound, you felt his love spreading through your whole body, mind and soul. Even after you left, you will always remember him as the man who made this moment so special. And you feel so grateful for that. You adore him right now and you know that you would do anything for him.
And you will for sure. You will do your best to avoid any misunderstanding or damage to his reputation. At that moment you made a firm decision.
You were sure he wouldn't like it, would even be angry, but you had to do it anyway. Your eyelids felt heavy as you felt the warm breeze from the balcony against your skin, Marcus must have fallen asleep too, lying motionless with his muscular arms around you. You fell into a sweet sleep as you pressed your ear against his chest to listen his heartbeat. 
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When you woke up you felt a pressure between your legs, right in the center of your womanhood. Also feeling sore, heavy, and groggy. But you tried to move, even though it was difficult. It was still dark outside, you didn't know how long you had slept, but now you had to get up and move to do the other thing you had wanted to do for so long. But Marcus' thick arms were wrapped around you like a cage. Slowly you raised his arm and tried to slip away. He moved a little but didn't open his eyes, he was still asleep, thankfully.
As you got out of bed you felt wetness between your legs and turned around to look at the sheets. They were quite wet, and a red liquid had spread like spilled wine. You felt the blood boiling under your cheeks. You pressed the part of the sheet between your legs, but was that all? All those fears were for this? A triumphant smile spread across your face. You were sure to feel different now, like you were reborn. After all, from tomorrow there would be no more Aya. You picked up your dress from the floor, quickly put it on and went to the General's wooden chest, the letter was still there. Careful not to make a sound, you pushed aside the blank papers and other papyrus and reached for it. As you held it in your hands and looked at it, then you looked over at Marcus, who was sleeping peacefully on the bed. You wished you could give it to him yourself and have him open it in front of you, but you couldn't be sure of his reaction. You stood up and approached the bed, leaned over and put the letter on the dry side of the sheet so he would see it when he woke up. 
“Forgive me, Marcus,” you whispered. 
But you felt you had to do it, to go to your brother Geta before the day of the meeting and tell him everything, yes it sounded stupid, but you were leaving the letter in good hands, the General’s. And that was your assurance.
For some reason you trusted Geta more in Macrinus. Maybe if you tell him about Macrinus' plans he would be on your side, but it was just a hope, a desperate hope. You didn't want to put Marcus in that kind of danger, knowing that he would be there to defend you and oppose them. Maybe he wouldn't, but no matter what, you were going to go first instead of facing them at the council meeting, yes, that was your final decision. 
After lingering on Marcus' face and beautiful body with your eyes for the last time, you left the room. Your chest tightened with pain, it hurt more than between your legs. 
Love is not the solution to everything. But by accepting love and fighting for it, you gave yourself a reason to hope. Leaving him as Aya to meet him again with your new name and your new self. Septimia Aurelia.
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Hope you guys enjoyed with horny moments lol
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blueishspace · 3 days
Text
Looped Sun 17
Back to regularly scheduled programming.
Loop #462
Grian: Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy what do you mean you got a child!?!
Jimmy: Oh you know... it just happened.
Grian: ... HOW DOES IT JUST HAPPEN!?!?
Jimmy: Listen! Listen Grian. It was Tango who broke the fabric of reality.
Grian: Just... what loop did you get her from.
Jimmy: Fear and Hunger.
Grian: ... I... Jimmy mate...did you adopt the god of fear and hunger?
Jimmy: Well... Scott and Tango did too.
Grian: yhbdggfsthxayhcsdgnptsdjkogf kfarjnf ghjvJimmy Jimmy Jimmy what!?!? (Canon accurate noises)
Loop #465
Pearl: Mate, how long is this loop going to be?
Mumbo: I... have no idea.
Pearl: Ugh, why are we even in jail? I got nothing from loop memories.
Mumbo: Crimes? Probably?
Pearl: No shit.
Mumbo: Pearl!
Pearl: We should break out.
Mumbo: What!?
Pearl: I said we should break out.
Mumbo: ... Alright.
Loop #467
Scar: Grian, where did you-
Grian: Scar, this loop is going to be great!
Scar: It is?
Grian: I present to you, the tardis!
Scar: ... Oh! Is this a ...uh Doctor Who variant?
Grian: You bet it is!
Grian: So, anywhere you want to go?
Scar: Oh uh... Hmmm... I need references for a castle I'm building.
Grian: Middle ages, reinassance or?
Scar: I uh... castle? Like regular castle?
Grian: Let me think... 12th century should do.
Scar: What is that!?
Dalek: I am a Dalek.
Scar: A Daklek.
Dalek: Dalek.
Scar: Dilek? Dalk?
Grian: A Dalk!?! Pfttt-
Dalek: Exterminate!
Grian: And now is the time where we run.
Scar: Wait if you are the doctor am I a companion. Am I going to die or be stuck as a robot or something.
Grian: ... No.
Scar: Well It's just-
Grian: You aren't dying. I promise.
Grian: ... Out of all the companion's fate getting to replace the toymaker is hardly the worst one.
Scar: I didn't know vex magic could work on gods!
Grian: Eh, to be fair the whoverse gods are pretty weak compared to others.
Loop #450
Grian: I always told you that you were like a vampire!
Mumbo: ... I don't appreciate this.
Grian: Oh come on Dracula, at least you get to use new magic.
Mumbo: I can't leave during the day Grian! It's pants! I can't go on my bike trips!
Grian: I mean, can't you go during the night? It's not like anything can hurt you.
Mumbo: Of course no- ... Wait... Hmmm...
Mumbo: Grian mate, can I please come in?
Grian: Hmmm...nah.
Mumbo: G, mate, please?
Grian: Nope.
Mumbo: You spoon! Let me in!
Loop #473
Grian: You haven't named her yet? You can't possibly call her The Girl forever.
Tango: Not really, namificating is not something you can just do and she doesn't mind being referred as the Girl.
Grian: Does she have literally any other name you could use!? A nickname? A middle name? Her mother's maiden name.
Scott: Technically the Ancient One.... though the Endless if you consider that to be her mothers maiden name.
Grian: You are not naming a child The Ancient One... or the endless.
Scott: You named your children Grumbot and Jrumbot.
Grian: It's ...different!
Scott: Huh uh. Of course.
Jimmy: Grian Isn't fully wrong though.
Scott: I know... It just feels weird to think about.
Tango: Maybe we can start from her...title?
Scott: Girl or Ancient One? Both are awful names full offence.
Jimmy: Maybe Ancient can become An-something. An-uh...?
Scott: Uh...you mean something like Anne? Annie? Anita? Angela?
Jimmy: Exactly!
Tango: Hmmm... We should try asking her if any fit...
Scott: We have a name and a middle name too.
Tango: We wrote down some ideas and had her choose.
Mumbo: Oh!
Grian: Finally.
Tango: Anne Fair Tek.
Grian: That's a good name- Wait wait wait... Fair...Anne... Fair and Anne. Fear and Anne-ger...you.
Scott: Oh, he's quicker then I tought.
Grian: You named her after a pun!??! I- am... I don't know how to feel about that.
Tango: She liked Anne best ok? she chose it. I just had to at that point.
Scott: Don't tell Jimmy though, he hasn't realized it yet.
Loop #476
Pearl understood why this happened, she really did, but she also didn't think she would enjoy it, looking at her loop memories it seemed she was stuck in Double Life after winning... It was exceptionally lonely.
It had been two days when she realized she could just leave the server pretty easy, the Watchers might try to stop her but she was also a goddess multiple times over. Yet, she also wanted to see how long it took for someone to come back to search for her.
The answer was two weeks it seems, she was almost starting to consider the "leave the server" option but she was glad she didn't. Now the players here probably expected her to be insane or rabid, instead they were going to find her tending to her newest build.
The fact it took a day for them to even try to approach was indication of how scared they were of her, it was funny really, she just had a lovely day working on her garden and base during the whole thing.
Pearl: Hello there mate!
Scott: Pearl!?
Pearl: That's me!
Scott: ... You aren't... attacking me?
Pearl: Oh why would I? You sacrificed myself for me! It's not like you do it for everyone.
Pearl didn't want to hurt Scott, even an unawoken version of him, this didn't mean sshe couldn't use her knowledge of him to be annoying. And she could see him react to her comment, acting ignorant was so fun sometimes.
Scott: O-oh. I see you built a new base?
Pearl: Yeah, had nothing to do for a while.
Scott: I- ... Sorry-
Pearl: Oh don't worry. Want some apple juice?
Scott: Apple juice!?!
Pearl: It's like water? But with apple flavour and made from crushed apple?
Scott: I know what apple juice is Pearl, I just didn't -
Pearl: That's good then, want some?
Scott: ... Uh...sure?
In the end her and Scott talked a bit and then he left very confused... Then after a bit came Grian and she decided she was going to have some fun, just a little bit.
Pearl: Hey there mate, want something to drink?
Grian: uhh... Sure?
Pearl: We got juice, tea, water, spiders, coffee-
Grian: Spiders?
Pearl: Oh sure here you go!
Grian: Wait no that's not what I meant-
But she had already started poaring spiders into his cup.
Loop #479
Grian: I had the weirdest variant loop.
Mumbo: What was it?
Grian: It was Last Life except for one thing. One horrible thing.
Mumbo: ...??
Grian: You know that time I took your mustache?
Mumbo: ... Yeah? Grian: Everyone. And I mean everyone had a mustache except for you.
Mumbo: ... Ew.
Grian: I know! I don't know which is worse! Your face is all like weird without a mustache.
Mumbo: ...Thanks...
Grian: No offence.
Mumbo: Just go on G.
Grian: But seeing Jimmy with it was almost as cursed! It doesn't look right on him or Cleo or ...Etho! Etho had the mustache over his mask!!
Mumbo: ... How?
Grian: I don't know! That's the problem!
Loop #481
Grian: How do you even have Anne join the server? Most of the time whitelist is strict.
Tango: Made her a full player a few loops ago and then just tell X that she's my daughter.
Grian: And he believes it?
Tango: It's not a lie.
Grian: Eh. Guess not.
Tango: And even if he didn't he might be the owner but I'm an admin as well and the other admins would back me up too.
Grian: ...
Tango: I want to ask you a favour.
Grian: ... Let's hear it.
Tango: You... you know fear magic don't you? From your TMA loop as The Eye?
Grian: So Scott told you about that? Yeah.
Tango: Anne... she might not have been to the depth but I know that despite still being a little girl she is in part the god of fear and hunger she can become.
Grian: ... So?
Tango: I just want you to teach her, Scott will help as well since he was of The Vast in that loop.
Grian: Sure, god of fear and hunger implies a second part too doesn't it?
Tango: We are working on it... We might ask Famine from the good omens loop but it's a bit more complicated.
Grian: Alright, I'll do it.
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confoundedluna · 2 days
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Here's just my analysis of every trophy from the UD remake, how they've changed, what's been removed, just my general thoughts on them because I'm super hyped for more information lmao
Trophies that are entirely unchanged - same requirements, same name, same level (platinum, gold, silver or bronze)
A Symphony of Horror - The platinum, technically different requirements I guess because of the new trophies under it, but its status as the platinum and everything else about it is the same so I'm counting it here
This Is THE End - Gold, they all die trophy
They All Live - Gold, they all live trophy
You Opened Their Eyes - Gold, Mystery Man clueline trophy
The Fateful Descent - Gold, 1952 clueline trophy
The Tale of The Two Sisters - Gold, Twins clueline trophy
You Let The Wrong One In! - Bronze, Chris or Ash opened the trapdoor in the mines
Trophies that are the same except their level has changed
The Skilful Wolf Man - Gold to silver, saving Wolfie trophy
The Psycho Path - Silver to bronze, attacking the Psycho as Sam or Ashley (vase or scissors, possibly the bat too in Sam's chase though I'm not sure on that)
Trophies that are the same but their name changed
Night of the Totem Hunter - Gold, is now called An Omen?, technically different since the Hunger totems were added, but it's the same idea of finding all of them so I'm counting it here
Trophies that changed name and level
Scream Too! - Silver to bronze, is now called Saw That Coming, Mike cuts off his fingers with the machete
Ashley Snaps - Silver to bronze, is now called Nightmare on Ash Street, technically changed in that the description is tonally very different and moves to the more sympathetic view of that situation over the original's description, which is very interesting in and of itself, but it's the same thing requirement wise so I'm counting it
Trophies that have been removed for the remake
The Quicker Man - Gold, all the boys survive, makes sense as you can easily get this at the same time as the They All Live trophy
Four Daughters Of Darkness - Gold, all the girls survive, same thing as the above trophy, though I'm more bummed about this one because I really like the name and referring to the girls with it
Don't Scare Jessica To Death - Silver, Jess survives the night, this has been kind of replaced by a couple of other trophies which I'll get to in a bit, I liked that she was the only one with a sole survivor trophy so again kinda bummed by its removal but oh well
Instant Inferno - Silver, Sam immediately runs to the switch, this one I imagine is because it's right at the end of chapter 10 and annoying to replay the whole thing for since you can't do a all live or all die run and get this, plus it's a little out of Sam's character in most people's opinions, which kinda aligns with the change to Ashley Snaps i think
Fatal Grudge - Bronze, Chris shoots Ash, I think this one again goes with the tonal change made to Ashley Snaps, and also means that following that path gets you one trophy as opposed to two
The Exorcism of Emily and Let eM In - Both bronze, grouping these together because they're the same situation, it's very interesting to me they got rid of these two in favour for something else (which I'll again talk about further down)
New trophies added for the remake
It's Shining - Silver, collect all the new interactables, this one I'm excited for, I'm really intrigued to see what they added in, one other trophy kinda spoils that since i believe the item it mentioned isn't in the game already unless I'm forgetting seeing it?
We Need to Talk About Josh - Silver, achieved the best ending for Josh, this one has a lot of people excited based on the wording that he'll get a new ending where he can survive and make it off the mountain, and though my logical brain says that it's just gonna be for getting the journal and the ending where he turns, my Josh-loving brain would love to see a different ending for him!
The Cabin in the Blackwoods - Silver, completed a full playthrough, your bog-standard completion trophy, but I'm glad this and one other are the only ones and it isn't a chapter-by-chapter basis like some people were worried the trophies would be
Talk to eM - Silver, Emily slapped Ashley after the truth was revealed, I can only imagine this is replacing the other two because of what an iconic moment in the game it became within the fandom, and I appreciate that acknowledgement ngl, plus it's more incentive for players to keep Em alive in the basement as opposed to shooting her because they hate her, which I always like to see
When a Psycho Calls - Silver, Sam successfully escapes the Psycho, this one is like a 'yeah, this should have always been in the game' kind of addition to the trophy list, totally get this one being here, I like to see it
Blackwood Country - Silver, the group respected the wildlife of the mountain, I also like this one because it plays into the story and the background of the mountain, my guess is it's a series of not shooting the squirrel, not hitting the bird in the snowball fight, possibly choosing to comfort the dying deer that Mike and Jess find, not hitting the herd with the axe as Matt, and possibly not hitting Wolfie, though since his survival is its own trophy, he might not count
Fatal Destination - Silver, tried changing the past despite Dr Hill's warnings, this one is intriguing but I imagine it's solely for restarting and either replaying the full game, or just the prologue, since he already has a unique dialogue for starting the game again from the beginning (which, if someone has a clip of, please link it! I cannot find it!)
Only Others Left Alive - Silver, Matt and Jess only survive, I like this one giving some acknowledgement to the two that get pretty neglected by the game, it's part of the replacement for Jess's sole survivor one and gives Matt some respect too!
Carnival of Solitude - Bronze, shake the snow globe, this is the item I mentioned earlier that I cannot remember seeing in the original game? If it was there then my bad, but if it wasn't, I hope it's something either with like a cute picture of the Washingtons in it, or with a deer or butterfly in it and we find it in Hannah's room or something like that
Just Breathe - Bronze, Matt or Em successfully defended themselves with the flare gun, another one where you think 'yeah, this should have been in the game already', both are pretty hard shots to make iirc and deserve more acknowledgment outside of the butterfly effect they're part of
Our Host - Bronze, the Psycho's identity was revealed, this will ether be a general story progression trophy unlocked automatically when it happens, or may have something to do with finding everything in his workshop should Sam escape, though that's less likely
I Know What You Did Last Year - Bronze, completed the Prologue, the other general playthrough trophy, I like this one due to the rework and the expanded scenes that we'll get to see
Lodge Fever - Bronze, Matt and Em started separate confrontations in the lodge, this is I imagine for starting a fight with Mike as Matt but backing down before it reaches boiling point, so that Emily can come in and start her fight with Jess, so I'm intrigued by their choice to add this, though it could hint at the preorder DLC being added into the full game? maybe?
One Hour Selfie - Bronze, take a bad selfie with Jessica, this is a missable encounter on the cabin walk that I think can impact their relationship? it's got some funny dialogue and it's a cute little silly trophy so I like that they've put in something like that
Drag Me Through Hell - Bronze, Mike saved Jess without failing a QTE, the other half of the change to Jess's sole survivor trophy, this one is interesting as she can still die after, but can also live if you do miss a QTE - this is the most like. playing the game related trophy, if that makes sense? it's the most related to the actual controls of the game, and I wonder if you have to have certain settings or difficulty enabled to be able to achieve it or not
An American Survivor in Canada - Bronze, Mike successfully escapes the Sanatorium in Chapter 9, some people are theorising that Mike could have a new death now, which would be sick because his plot armour is atrocious, but again, I'm pretty sure this is just about him making it out of the building on his own, and Sam not needing to be in there to help him blow it up
Patient Sematary - Bronze, Mike picked up the odd figurine, another interactable spoiler, I've gone through all the clues and can't see anything like a figurine, so I'm really intrigued about this!
And that's everything! I've added a few of my thoughts throughout, I guess let me know what y'all think and if you have any other inputs? I just thought the changes and additions and removals were all super interesting, and I love getting to analyse and see if anything we don't know can be figured out from this stuff! And if anyone else has already done something like this then oh well lmao, this is my version
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diminuel · 22 hours
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I'm rereading the chapters on Luffy's childhood, so let's do some Dragon criticism ;3 (I love questionable dads, so don't take this as hate. I obviously don't hate this guy *lol*)
We learn that Sabo, Ace and Luffy were rather infamous in Grey Terminal and their names were even known in the Capital City. If that was the case, then how come that Dragon didn't know about the ties between Sabo and Luffy (and also Ace?)
Here he was, with an amnesiac child on his hands (that he knows was born a noble and that he also has the name of as we learn later) and he did not bother to do the bare minimum of research into who this kid is? If he did, then Luffy's name would have come up. There's of course the option that he did do his due diligence, found out that this kid was a friend of Luffy's and made a choice not to do anything about it.
Both options aren't great...
Then there's also this thing the RA does that rubs me the wrong way a little bit and that is to make it sound like being saved is conditional. Why do you tell people who are stranded on the shore, flames surrounding them, carrying small children, with nowhere to go but the ship in front of them "Those of you who wish to join me in a battle for freedom board my ship"? Betty does that too and I don't like it X'3 I'm sure he wouldn't have left them standing there to die if they didn't want to join him but it's still not great X'D
Two days pass after the burning of Grey Terminal and we know that Dragon was sticking around because he does get Sabo out of the water. I can imagine that maybe Dragon was staying behind not necessarily because he wanted to catch a glimpse of the Celestial Dragons. He might have been checking in on Luffy. But Luffy wasn't in Windmill Village. I wonder if he just kept looking and came across Sabo by accident? Or maybe he knew from Garp that Luffy was with Dadan? Either way, if he did check in on him and saw that he was hurt, maybe he'd be angry at himself for not making sure that Luffy was far away from Grey Terminal because apparently the man had time to stroll around the city...
Dragon must have known in advance that the inspection of Goa and the World Noble visit would be happening, so he had plenty of time to make any kind of preparation to make sure that Luffy was safe. And yet??
And then he takes a random child back to Baltigo (and we're back at the first issue.)
Just... don't know what's going on in this man's head. X3
Also, in the digitally coloured manga they gave him markings/ tattoos/ scars. It looks just like folds in his shirt in the original black and white manga (you can't see it well in the middle image *lol* Also, Dragon's face is distracting, I know. Crocodile's beautiful husband~)
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rubyroboticalt · 2 years
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gardening is something that can be so healing. put your hands in the dirt. dig up a worm. send it home with a seed. in the summer i will have peas and beans and squash
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puppetmaster13u · 11 months
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You know what I need for a DCxDP crossover
Alternate timeline ghost/realms Batman who may or may not have become a god of family adopting the entirety of Amity Park. Like every single liminal or ghost, they're his kids now. Sure they have human parents in the living realm too, but they're all developing cores and need a realms parent too.
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forthesapphicsonly · 11 months
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Multiverse of madness
Peggy: *waking up* what?
You: oh, hey. Welcome back
Peggy: *looks around, sees the other members of the illuminati unconscious but intact. And alive. She puts her hands on her stomach, where she clearly felt the shield cutting her in half* How? who are you?
you: Wanda's girlfriend. Not that she knows yet *pouts*
Peggy just looks at you confused
you: I just go around undoing the things she does. She kills people, I bring people back. *you lean closer to her whispering in her ear* so she doesn't feel so guilty later. Not that she knows…yet.
Peggy: why not just stop her?
you: Stop? Wanda? Oh no, darling, it's impossible. Nobody stops Wanda, she needs to figure things out for herself. *you laugh* Stop her, funny. Anyway, nice to meet you. I really appreciate you more than Steve. I'm going now, they'll be fine *you wave to the other members as you leaves*
Carter just watches you walk away processing things. You understand. Coming back from the dead has this effect
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icy-book · 1 year
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Consider, if you will, AU (either with canon post-s1 pre-s2 events but D.A.D.D.I.E.S. solves things before season 2 would start, or no Doodler/betrayal but Nicky still has to leave because FBI or other reasons) in which Terry Jr is the full time drama teacher for Teen High. Nicky returns from wherever he's been and is like "Well I want to be an active part of my kid's life and try and make up for lost time. I should go to his parents' evening, find out how he's doing in school, and meet his teachers. Especially this Mr Marlowe guy, Taylor seems to think he's awesome." And walking right into that classroom/hall to find his ex-boyfriend best friend sitting there in a dorky sweater and tie combo
Cue Terry, without missing a beat, greeting them as if nothing is wrong
Internal: when the FUCK did he come back and oh my god this is so awkward fuck I have to be professional how do I tell this guy that his kid is a loveable little shit after everything that's happened oh god oh fuck
Externally: "Hello Taylor and Mr Close-Foster-Freeman. I'm Taylor's drama teacher" *shakes hand* "Would you like to take a seat?"
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bakafurai · 5 months
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yeah that's fine I didn't need my heart anyways
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gammija · 2 years
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i love s4, and im enjoying listening to it with the magaday, but i forgot it would also lead to the worst thing: seeing people interpret media differently than me on the internet OTL
#NOT a big deal#but as an enjoyer of nuance and complicated characters and the tragedy of people doing their best and still failing#I can't help but want to constantly correct posts saying 'Georgie said she prefered Jon dead!' (she didn't#; Jon accused her of that and Basira asked her to leave before they could talk it out)#and 'everyone is blaming Jon for Tim and Daisy's deaths' -> only Melanie is‚ as far as we've heard;#not that everyone is being nice or fair to jon; not at all#but this framing of the situation as jon on one side and everyone else on the other is just so much more boring#than the web of relationships and mistakes and misplaced blame that is implied#and the former is how you get analyses that are objectively wrong like 'no one let Jon speak in 199!!' -> literally by word count and#time spend speaking he talks the most out of anyone in the discussion#but it's not 50/50 jon/others because every character in tma is the protagonist of their own story#like of course it wouldve been nicer if georgie had immediately protested that she didn't want jon to die#but playing that out in my mind; it feels like exactly the kind of argument that jons ex specifically would be tired of having#even if the context is different now#and to me the way it's possible to construct these unspoken reasons and stories for the side characters is the coolest shit#and that's lost if Georgie just said 'I hoped you died Jon‚' because... ? because it's s4 so everyone is just mean to Jon?#even though she's the one visiting him in hospital in the first place?#joos yaps#delete later#nah she's just a mean girl. mean women bullying jon all season#nothing more to it than that
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mantisgodsdomain · 2 months
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On the rare occasions when we talk about the spectre of veganism you can probably physically tell the amount of psychic damage that we take from seeing people throw out any part of a carcass.
#we speak#hey man you can use that for stuff. there is a use for that. you can use that for things that aren't just letting it rot. sir.#this is maybe part of why we have so many fur scraps but like. you can use that stuff. please use that stuff. we are begging you.#did you know that sinew is useful and can be used for cordage? it's true! you should use it!#do you think that a given part is Useless? you're probably wrong! give it to us. please. we are begging you. please.#we are a very specific type of person and that very specific type of person is the type of guy where improper corpse handling harms us#personally and physically. every time. at least put it in the freezer or something if youre killing it you better be ready to process it#we have very strong and extraordinarily specific opinions on things that have been known to make us disagree with people#the animal will die at some point regardless of whether or not you were the one to kill it#and because you have a big brain and the luxury of most likely not needing to do this to survive#you can grant that animal a relatively swift and painless death and then bring its body to as much use as possible#USE IT. FOR THINGS. PLEASE. WE ARE DYING.#we understand viscerally why failing to field dress an animal in assassins creed kicks you out of the simulation as Out Of Character#we are the same way and every time a piece of media has the protagonists kill a bear or whatever and just Leave The Body There#we are taking large amounts of psychic damage from every single frame#you cannot imagine how much hatred we hold for the existence of prion diseases and the fact that you can't eat meat from CWD deer#killing an animal does not have to be animal cruelty if you're not an idiot#we think that wasting parts of the body SHOULD count as animal cruelty though#not legally for obvious “that would open a legal can of worms that should stay closed” reasons but like. in terms of avoiding it#animals kill and eat each other all the time. its natural. you are an animal and you can kill and eat other animals and they will be tasty#however for the love of whatever god you worship PLEASE put the effort in to actually put the whole carcass to use#it will not make the animal suffer less to refuse to partake in its remains. it only means that those things will go to waste.#a body is not a sacred thing. it should not be treated as specialer than anything else but we think it's disrespectful to not make use of i#for related reasons we have a deep and abiding hatred for the laws that mean we can't choose what to do with our own body after our death
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some guy commented on my narrator + toriel fic saying "well the narrator's done some questionable stuff once or twice but he's not the one who let SIX children DIE just to SPITE her ex-husband" lmaoooo bro did you even play undertale? you can just say you have no reading comprehension it's okay
#like. of all the toriel slander i've seen this is by far the most ridiculous bc like#even on the most basic of levels it is so clearly wrong. toriel did not let the children go WITH THE INTENTION OF THEM DYING lmao#like her entire thing is not wanting kids to die and being overprotective because of it. that is a basic tenet of her character#and most toriel slander i've seen at least. knows this basic fact#they say shit like 'she's controlling and domineering' or 'she should've gone with them'#but this guy? no. they seem to believe that she. wanted them to die. to 'spite asgore'? how exactly would this spite him?#if i recall correctly (sarcasm. of course i recall correctly)#asgore was the one who WANTED the fallen humans to die.#or he didn't really want them to die deep down inside#but still he saw to it that they did. they would not be dead if it were not for him#and the anti-human laws he put in place#and his attempt to raise the kingdom's spirits by declaring war on humans.#i try to be as neutral as possible on any given character but you can't deny that that's an objective fact.#if toriel let them die she would be helping asgore's purposes.#her entire goal by living in the ruins is to take in fallen humans and protect them#so asgore DOESN'T kill them. so she can thwart his plans THAT way.#also i love the wording of 'the narrator's done some questionable stuff'#he exploded stanley. he erased all of stanley's friends and coworkers. he has made stanley's existence a living hell for god knows how long#i mean yeah yeah it's not really him who's in control they're both slaves to the narrative and all that#but he holds a lot of power over stanley and he uses it. and abuses it.#to act like wilful sadistic murder is on the same level as a distraught bereaved mother#trying to save other children from the fate her own suffered and becoming overprotective in the process#is just ridiculous. lol#anyways i deleted the comment :] no toriel slander under toriel-sympathetic fics pleeeaaase
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steakout-05 · 6 months
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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monstersqueen · 1 year
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anyway my recent conclusions have been
mori leaked ango's mafia spy's status to mimic and sent odasaku after him so he could break up the buraiha trio
reading wan "wow odasaku did not listen to tiny ango and tiny dazai before going to fight gide !!"
which combined with older conclusions of
wow dazai sure went straight from "here's why ango's a traitor" to one of his most upsetting "i want to die" moments
....that's probably part of why he blame ango for odasaku's death, because in his head ango's betrayal made odasaku not want to live anymore, because that's what it did to him
pretty much. paints the picture that dazai is not entirely wrong there. i'm pretty sure mori in his calculations went "so in order to get the permit we need to defeat mimic. the best/only way we have to do that is to send oda at them. unfortunately oda doesn't kill. time to destroy his support system i guess" and proceeded to out ango's cover :p
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duncantashi · 1 year
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i hate home
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delicatetaysversion · 12 days
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dni.
#i don't know how people who do not have siblings live cause#whenever i feel the very intense and real urge to genuinely kms their faces pop up in my head#my sister laughing at my jokes after she had a bad day and saying with tears in her eyes that hey you know what i need you so much please#call me constantly when im abroad i don't know what I'd do without you#and my little brother not trusting my parents advice when he is sick because he thinks they're constantly telling him to do a hundred thing#anyway but listening to me when im giving the exact same advice asking me such innocent questions that seem so obvious#but he doesn't know because of his childlike innocence#like why are we not going to the doctor if i have fever how do our parents know how to cure it and how can i take dolo without a doctors#prescription and me laughing and explaining that it's okay it's normal it's paracetamol you don't have to worry you'll be okay in day or 2#or how he's excitedly telling me that these are the colleges i looked up are they good how do you know if they're good#he needs me so much even tho he'd never say it they've been even worse parents to him than to me he doesn't have anyone else#so then how could i be so selfish and hurt the two people who love and need me the most the two people on whom if i see tears#it feels like a stab directly to the heart?#but i can't help it. can't help fantasizing about dying#maybe myself but even better if by some terminal illness#i keep thinking me lying in a hospital bed and doctors saying there's a complicated procedure and it's very expensive and results aren't#even guaranteed so are you sure want to be treated#and me saying no please let me die my parents would protest at first they would feel it is their duty responsibility to keep me alive#but id say please i don't have anything to live for and i just CAN'T i can't do this i can't live this life it's too difficult im not#capable im already failing please just let me give up and then they'd agree#and then i would tell my father that im sorry i couldn't pay you back for all the money you spent on me my education my living expenses#but atleast now i won't ask for anymore money from you ever you'll probably get some money from the insurance policies#and i would tell my mom that sorry for being such a burden on you all these years but now you can finally be free with the 2 kids you#actually love and you never have to cook for me again or fold my clothes or feel bad that i won't attend your family functions#and i would tell my siblings that i know it's sad but please i know you guys are strong and bright and you're gonna be very happy and#successful and that's enough for me im sorry we couldn't have our dream raksha bandhan away from our parents but you can carry on without#me and ill always love you. and that would be it.#i know it's wrong to fantasize so much about dying and ive read somewhere that they may just seem like thoughts now but if left untreated#one day you're gonna have a bad day and you're gonna find the perfect opportunity and you were so sure you were never going to do it but#then you do. but i don't know how to stop
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