#you can really tell what stage of a depressive episode I’m in if I start drawing him

[buggiiguts]

I could make him worse

[theofficialpresidentofmars]

did I ever tell you guys about how I would adapt (the tragedy of) Hamlet (prince of Denmark) if ever given the chance. because I have so many thoughts and I’m adding onto them all the time so here’s a post with all my ideas compiled.

- firstly, it would be an animated mini-series of five episodes, each one corresponding to an Act. I think Animation is a highly under-utilised and underappreciated medium that would suit this particular story well in terms of what it could achieve visually and also these are just a bunch of words to say I’m heavily biased towards animation and just love it so much.

- there are so many fun little character design tidbits i would implement. including but not limited to: Horatio being the shortest, Claudius/Hamlet Sr identical twins (and Claudius having a Scar reminiscent scar on his face for the drama… and also the eventual Act 5 Scene 2 parallels when Laertes wounds Hamlet with the rapier in an incidentally similar way), Laertes having a silly curly moustache, Horatio and Ophelia resembling the other, Hamlet looking tired, pale and ghostly at all times, character’s hair being used as a way to show passing of time (Hamlet having hair on the long side of short in Act 1, growing but in a little ponytail over Act 2, medium-length and unkempt in Acts 3 & 4, and cut shortly and neatly in Act 5. also Ophelia’s hair growing noticeably as well and being often neatly braided with little flowers in Acts 1-2, loosely braided without flowers in Act 3, but being down and wild in Act 4 etc), and so on so forth.

- I would shamelessly be including flashbacks to pre-tragedy memories of the castle/inhabitants. Baby R&G&H running through the castle halls and playing hide and seek. Hamlet actually, god forbid, practicing fencing. The Players entertaining at the castle in Hamlet’s youth. Ophelia and Hamlet sneaking out into the garden beneath the willows by the pond, Hamlet braiding flowers into her hair while they sit together. Yorick entertaining baby Hamlet. All coloured with the softest, goldenest glows that nostalgia can manage to contrast the desaturated depressive hues of the current day. I think a lot of the tragedy of *Hamlet* specifically lies in comparing what was to what ended up being, and since the play starts after Hamlet’s entered his mourning period, it’s hard to fully comprehend the true nature of such a fall.

- Each Act having a lovely stylised title card in its introduction with themes and motifs that are specifically prevalent throughout. Act 3 would have curtains, for example, given the play staging and Polonius’ later poor choice of hiding place. Act 5 introduces the classic skull we all know and love.

- Very purposeful dramatic lighting and colour throughout. Daylight lighting and then the switch to a lot of Hamlet’s soliloquies seeming to appear under more ‘spotlight’ lighting. Early evening during the play, sunset during the scene where Claudius prays (golden light tricking through beautiful stained-glass windows), nightfall when Hamlet yells at Gertrude. Lighting also being used to dramatise entrances perhaps, such as Claudius’s prayer being interrupted by the shift to ‘spotlight’ lighting before we even see Hamlet at the door.

- Same goes with music and motifs, interwoven character leitmotifs and themes that shift keys and qualities and work together to make larger pieces and show up to herald the arrival of a character, or turn sour to match their emotions.

- the visual humour of the play being upped, as well as the wordy humour being emphasised, in order to really contrast the shift in tone throughout the halves of the play. I’ve always been a tragicomedy truther when it comes to Hamlet, I think if done well it could be a really neat way to get the audience to invest more in the characters while also really highlighting how quickly everything goes south.

Probably add more on as I go

[puntointerrogativo]

“we’re still debating certain things about whether certain events happened, but seeds are placed.” S.R.

“When you find [Lestat] in Episode 8, where is he?” Reid asks. “Has he come back to his own maker’s prison by his own choice, or is he put there? We’ve left space for that to be explored. I think it’s more interesting — and Rolin probably does as well, and it probably took me a longer time to get around this — to continue to give each individual character their own agency rather than saying, this person is the victim of this person, or this is the baddie and this is the goodie” S.R.

“Did Louis stage the Dubai interview because he had a hunch about Armand’s lie? Anderson says, “Yeah, I do,” in response to that question, and he’s been theorizing this since filming the Season 1 finale. Louis has never seen this interview as the chronicling of a suicide like Armand (as Rashid) described it, according to Anderson […] Suspecting Armand “was something that I started to get a sense of when we did that Season 1 Episode 7 moment of ‘the love of my life,’ because Rolin always talks about that as the end of The Graduate,” Anderson continues. “I was like, ‘Oh, it’s a cry for help.’ He found the person that he knew could draw the truth out of everyone, including himself.” J.A.

“that Armand was “forced” to direct the trial and that all of his subsequent punishment from the coven was “absolutely true. He directed it, but it wasn’t his choice to do it,” Zaman says.” A.Z.

Mmm, very interesting tvinsider article - first of all huge, GIGANTIC kudos to Sam because not knowing if your character’s doing what he’s doing by choice or if he’s being forced and tortured must not make it easy to do your job 😵‍💫 (not to mention the fun of trying to answer press questions, poor man).

Sooo, let’s say we go with this version and leave the books behind. It goes more or less like this:

The coven makes Armand choose, and he decides to sell Claudia and Louis out.

They “call” Lestat to testify, and he comes - because what else can he do? The trial will happen with or without him and if he’s there there’s a chance he can save them.

Armand directs the play. This one I’m a bit meh about but ok, he needs to prove himself, he has the experience, sadistic punishment, yadda, yadda…

Lestat and Armand don’t do the smart thing and work together against the coven presumably because previous history (Nicky) means Lestat doesn’t trust him. Also, from what we’ve seen they’re both kinda terrible at planning.

Lestat has limited energy and a choice to make - he chooses to save Louis. He has to watch Claudia burn. By now the coven knows better than to trust him and he’s either too traumatized or too drained (or both) to do much else. We don’t know if he faced retaliation from the coven.

Armand finally gets off his ass and frees Louis.

Louis goes feral and kills the coven. He’s convinced Armand was the one who saved him and wants revenge on Lestat.

He gets it in the only way he can: by going after his deepest fear. Lestat has handed him that weapon on a plate back in season 1 and it’s not the first time he goes after that particular soft spot.

Lestat feels guilty enough for both the 1x05 fall and Claudia to accept the punishment as due. He doesn’t tell Louis it was him who saved his life.

Louis traps himself in a 77 years long spite based relationship that he can’t leave without-in his head- letting Lestat win.

By 1973 he’s depressed enough and starved for connection enough to try the Interview and then walk into the sun.

Armand wipes his memories (probably consensually, extent uncertain) after calling Lestat - just to make sure Louis remembers why he can’t leave him.

Lestat thinks he died after he left him to Armand’s tender mercies. If he wasn’t in his rat-eating depression era before he surely is now.

By 2021 Louis has become, at least subconsciously, suspicious enough to contact Daniel for a second interview.

Daniel proves Louis really has an eye for spotting talent and gets him out of that farce of a marriage.

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Saturday everyone. I always forget Eric’s wife had a spot on the show. Every time I get to this episode its a reminder. Also fair warning he’s gonna make me extra feral in this one. He is in a suit and yummy street clothes in this episode. Gimme gimme all day. I blame Eric for all my reactions in this ep for how he looks haha This is also a shorter review like last time but good stuff in it none the less. Off we go.

2x16 The Overnight

We start off with our lovely ship at American Idol auditions. A guy is getting arrested giving out meth smoothies. Lucy has to go back for his backpack. As she does she gets roped into an audition because it has his audition sticker. I’m surprised there wasn’t a gif set of her singing. It's such a good scene. I did my quick made one above with my phone. But a really good set should be produced. We get to hear Melissa’s wonderful voice again. It's in a much better context this time. Not a soul crushing and depressing way. She chooses a song from Aretha Franklin. 'I never loved a man'. She CRUSHES it.

I hope she gets another opportunity to showcase her voice in the future. The ending of this cold open cracks me up so much. The judges are impressed by her audition. Ready to give her that coveted golden ticket. Lucy hears Tim’s voice and bolts LOL Him bringing her back to reality. Their 'No no no' is so damn funny as she runs towards Tim. I love it so much. Tim having no idea what just happened. Thinking she's just running behind for no reason. Such a great cold open.

I love this scene for quite a few reasons. First and most importantly we get Tim Bradford in a suit. Sweet baby James. What a visual to start off the episode with. I need more this is my life. He should go to court more often. Honestly should be illegal to be that damn fine. *fans self* Second I find it very sexy he donates blood so often. I mean of course he does. To quote Lucy. Most Tim Bradford thing I've ever heard heh Tim as a person is just so friggin attractive.

Lastly I adore Nyla giving him a hard time. Doesn't waste a second before calling him a machine LOL Tim's face in that third gif is too cute. He's commending her shot and only shakes his head. How far Tim and Nyla have come. Reached a playful joking stage I love it. You know Lucy is enjoying someone else giving Tim crap. The proud wifey smirk of hers when he gets tossed his ball. I love them.

Lucy is running the front desk since Tim is off at court. She meets a reporter Valerie Castillo from the Herald asking for public arrest reports. She is looking for a scoop on recent robberies at 5 star hotels. Asking if Lucy has heard about them? Lucy says no. Valerie goes on to say she is trying to get away from Hollywood stories. Do something more impactful. So she can be taken seriously as a journalist. Lucy being her empathetic self wants to help her out. Lets her know the reports she’s looking at don’t have enough info. Tells her she wants CAD reports instead. Valerie asks what those are?

Tim comes striding in with the answer. Looking like sex on a stick in that suit. Good lord he can wear the hell out of that thing. Look at that fit on him. Thank you to his tailor. *chef's kiss* But I digress…Tim is clearly not a fan of this woman and what she is asking of Lucy. His cop gut going off and not liking this interaction at all. Tim instantly distrusts her and doesn't hide it.

Does crack me up they wrote Ros in as a character he can’t stand LOL I’m sure they had fun with this. Tim clearly doesn’t like the media especially her paper. Says her paper has a bias against cops. She bites back ‘Like the bias you have against me?’ She’s not wrong ha Tim says that's cute but isn't buying what she's selling.

Tim tells Lucy to get those reports back from her ASAP. That they’re gonna hit the streets as soon as he’s changed. Ooh lord the way he unbuttons his jacket and barks out his instructions on the move. Mercy. It shouldn't be that hot and yet here I am always a puddle. Ever the model just as much walking away as he came in. My god he's attractive haha It's truly not fair. Valerie says Tim shouldn't talk to her like that. Lucy is bemused by this statement.

Says he's her T.O. and its just his style with a smile on her face. (We all know she loves his style heh) I do love how this scene finishes out. Valerie saying ‘If ass is a style...but he sure can wear a suit’. Indeed madam indeed. Then proceeds to watch him leave LOL Checking out her own husband as he exits the scene haha Cracks me up. He does look damn fine in that suit. I can not blame her.

Tim instantly tries to steer Lucy away from Valerie. Telling her she’s bad news. Saying reporters always have an agenda. Lucy tries to be snarky and replies 'To get truth? Sounds Horrible.' Tim continues on despite her snark and says they aren’t to be trusted. Lucy being her sunshine self wants to see the good in Valerie. That she’s doing this to help the victims of these robberies. Tim thinks she’s being naive with this woman. Lucy battles back he just doesn’t trust anyone. Well that’s not true. He most definitely trusts you Lucy. With his life. But she has earned it ten fold out of him which is why she has it.

I’m with Tim on this one.(No surprise there I know ) That trust is something to be earned. I am the same way. It’s not something I just hand out like candy either. You have to prove to me you are worthy of that trust. Once you're in you're gold but you have to earn it first. He knows how trusting Lucy is and he doesn't want her to get burned by this person. This is his way of watching her back and trying to protect her from a potential disaster. Lucy doesn't heed his warning and it shows in her sassy face she gives him above. Lucy is so sure she is the right one in this situation. Like she is humoring him by listening.

They get a report of this idiot trying to use his snake to get out of paying for his car repairs. He pulls it out as a threat and It backfires pretty badly. As he waves the snake it bites him... (Like I said an idiot) I adore Lucy taking command of this situation. Also her heart for any living creature. I’m not a snake girl myself but I do love her taking the snake's side over this guy’s haha

This is our marriage scene of the episode. Tim says EMTs won’t step foot in here till the snake is neutralized. Tim says he’ll flush it out and kill it. Lucy is against this plan and tells Tim he can’t kill it. Their banter in this scene is primo. He is sassy right back asking what are they gonna do? Snuggle it? LOL Lucy ignores his sassy jab as she hops down and decides to do something herself. Tim isn't a fan of this plan since the snake is venomous.

Tim looks very concerned as he watches her. The way he raises his gun ready to destroy this thing if it goes after her. I love his face as she talks to the snake. Calling it by it's name, telling it she isn't going to hurt it haha He is wondering what she’s going to do with this thing. Then is impressed af when she traps the snake in a tire. What a bad ass moment for her. Snake whisperer can now go on her list of skills on the job ha Lucy proudly walks back to him with the best reply ‘Not his fault his owner is an idiot.' LOL I love this.

Valerie catches Lucy on the way out for the night. Claims she got her story about a Murphy scam. Rich men hiring sex workers then the sex worker has a partner. They rob and steal from them. The victim can’t report the crime without copping to their own. Says she came by to thank Lucy with a drink. (Mmhmm....)

Lucy is hesitant and says she shouldn’t…. You know that cop gut of hers is telling her it's wrong. Valerie asks 'Is it cause Tim wouldn't approve?' Lucy looks behind her like she can sense Tim’s disapproval from afar. Valarie sweetens the pot telling her she can be her inside person. Lucy concedes and decides to go. This can only end badly Lucy….

They make it to the hotel and Lucy quickly realizes they’re not there for a just a drink. Valerie has tracked one of the women who’s been scamming these men. Lucy is upset and feels betrayed. Says she can’t arrest people on her own. She’s a rookie. Valerie notices the man being scammed is a big time movie producer. Says this will get her a killer story and her a high profile arrest. You can see the regret written all over Lucy’s face.

Lucy tells Valerie she is texting Tim. I love this. She knows she’s in over her head at this point. So she is going to reach for her lifeline. Tells Valerie as such letting her know she could get fired as a rookie. That she needs a senior officer on scene. Also she really needs him to rein this in TBH. This has gotten way out of hand and needs Tim to come help her.

Tim arrives and Lucy thanks him for coming. (Like he wasn’t going to come and bail his girl out.) Doesn’t even have to say I told you so. This entire moment is doing it for him really. Lucy doesn’t fight or deny the hot water she is in. Not even a little. Just says ‘I’m in trouble aren’t I?’ His sexy Mm-hmm will do just fine for her. You know she’s just so relieved he's there to get her out of this. To save her from herself in this moment. The way she looks at him like he is her saving grace. Makes my heart happy. Doesn't even care she is in trouble just relieved he is there. So much said in such a small scene.

He looks sinfully handsome in that denim jacket *oh my lord.* Valerie says she’ll write a story about Tim if he punishes Lucy for this. Lucy panics and tells her not to do that. Tim isn’t phased at all by her intimidation of a story. The cocky way he walks into the room. Takes control of the situation. Says the cup against the wall trick doesn’t work. You know Lucy is rooting him on while he does this. Tim makes a joke about there being an app for that. Valerie believes him cause he walks in so confident and says that so damn smoothly. She can't help but reply 'Really?'

The way he says ‘No’ to her LMAO I'm dying. He is having a little fun in this moment messing with her. I love this man so much. Why is he so damn attractive in this moment? I actually know why ha. He's protecting Lucy and trying to do damage control at the same time. Also by taking control back from Valerie, by putting this situation back in his court. Tim calls in backup to help them if the accomplice even shows up. Tells Valerie she’ll be far away from the action if it comes to that. Not gonna let her get her story after potentially endangering Lucy for it.

The accomplice ends up arriving and Valerie has a ‘See’ look on her face. Thinking she is validated in all she's done to this point. Getting to watch Tim in action and in street clothes? Don’t mind if I do. They’re about to go after the guy when they notice Valerie is missing. She’s gone out on the balcony to get a photo. Clearly back tracking on her 'Killer Story' that'll get her taken seriously for a paparazzi shot instead.

She ends up getting her shot on the balcony but slips and Tim has to rescue her. She is refusing to let go of her phone as she hangs on to the railing. Lucy tells her to let the damn thing go. The guy sees them rescue her and takes off. Tim gets her up and takes off after the guy. Leaving Lucy with Valerie while he does so. This is the last we see of our handsome hero him in this ep sadly. The accomplice ends up getting arrested by a grumpy and tired Lopez in the lobby of the hotel LOL

Lucy’s SL wraps up with Valerie signing her statement. I love Lucy telling her like it is. Letting her know how wrong it was to take advantage like she did. Lucy is inclined to trust people and it bit her in the ass this time. (What he was trying to protect her from.) Unfortunately for her Tim was right on this one. She did have an agenda. Tim didn’t rub it in her face but also didn’t say she wasn’t in trouble for it haha Lucy has a mic drop moment with her. Telling her instead of going for the serious story she sold her on she went for the cheap shot. Gets up and walks away from her. Boom. Once again not a ton to content but still enough goodies ❤️

That wraps up 2x16 for our ship. Thanks as always to you all for your likes/comments and reblogs. Forever appreciate them. Can't believe we're almost done with S2. 6 left to review in this one.

~~~~

Side notes- Non Chenford

Always enjoy Nyla’s SL’s. When I first watched this ep wanted her to her back with Donovan. But glad she didn't much better fit with James but we’ll meet him later down the road.

Wopez engagement ❤️ They so cute. I love them. Happy for Angela and Wes.

See you all in 2x17 :)

[she-karev]

The Night Before (Andrew DeLuca x Alex Karev’s Sister Imagine)

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of Two

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Ship: Andrew DeLuca x Amber Karev (Alex Karev Sister’s)

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 6

AN: We're nearing the bad time we all don't want to think about but in this blog your safe cuz DeLuca lives in my mind and in my heart. Stay tuned for the next chapter and the next story that will surely break your hearts but mend them.

Summary: Andrew talks to Amber about them spending the night together needing to know if it was a one-time thing or it could lead to something more.

Words: 1804

May 2nd, 2020

Andrew DeLuca is helping Carina set up a bed in the cafeteria that is now being converted into covid overflow. The task is depressing to Andrew and his sister who know it’s a necessity for the public but know it could have been easily avoided if people followed protocols. While he is doing this Andrew told Carina about his night with Amber on her last night of quarantine. He is seeking her advice in Italian, so nobody overhears, and this gets back to Alex, Jo and Jackson who are still on the fence about him and protective of Amber.

“I was gonna take a shower and leave.” Andrew recaps in his native language to his sister who is helping him set up the bed, “I was gonna leave but then she came in and started taking her clothes and…” Andrew sighs in pleasure at the memory from six days ago, “It was like our first night together only better and it makes me wonder if she felt the same too.”

“Did she regret it?” Carina asks in Italian.

“No she didn’t, if anything she was eager for more the morning after.” Andrew sets up the monitor, “But then we left the room. We drove back to our places and I haven’t heard a word from her since. If I didn’t know better, I would think she was getting revenge for when I didn’t answer her calls, but I know despite how she acts she’s not like that.”

Carina tucks the bedsheets in the gurney, “Have you seen her here? Has she been in yet?”

“Yeah, tonight is her first night back and I don’t know if she’s avoiding me or I’m avoiding her.”

“Why would you be avoiding her?” Carina asks, “Do you regret that night?”

“God no that night was…” Andrew tries to find the words, “It was amazing and not just because of the isolation. I really felt like we were finally gonna start over again and she was gonna give me another chance like I’ve been begging her for weeks. I thought we were finally gonna move past that awful stage we were in, but it’s been six days since I’ve heard from her, and I think that’s answer enough. A part of me is avoiding her too because I’m afraid she’s gonna reject me again and I’m gonna have to work extra hard to keep my sanity in check.”

Carina looks at her brother in sympathy knowing he’s still beating himself up, “I’ve apologized, and I’ve tried to see things from her point of view in this. I know if it was her that inherited her mom’s illness, I would be a wreck too and I would be triggered from living with papa.” Carina gets a crinkle in her eyebrow that Andrew knows too well causing him to furrow his eyebrows, “What is it?”

Carina shrugs, “I didn’t say anything.”

“You know that mask covers your mouth and nose but not your eyebrows which I can see crinkling. It’s what you do when you hold back on something for my own sake.” Carina admonishes herself for her tell as her brother persists, “Come on tell me, I’m a big boy I can handle it.”

Carina sighs but relents, “Fine but you asked for it bambino. I know Amber feels like you can relate to what her mother put her through, but the truth is you weren’t exposed to that like she was.”

Andrew narrows his eyes in curiosity as he sets up the IV pole while Carina continues, “Me and mama tried to shield you from papa’s mania and his aggression. Amber’s brothers did the same for her with her mother but unlike you she didn’t have a parent to move her across the world away from that insanity. Me and Amber had to deal with that on a daily basis, me with papa’s mania and her with her mama’s hallucinations.”

Andrew looks remorseful for both Amber and Carina that had to grow up with that, “I don’t want you to feel bad I would rather you not go through what we went through at all but the fact is she has been face to face with that suffering longer than you. And when we left we have learned not to come second to chaos.”

Andrew sighs and understands more, “And I did that to her when I was showing symptoms. So, you’re saying there’s no hope because Amber is determined not to be around someone like her mother again?”

“No, I’m not.” Carina mends before standing six feet away from him, “Listen your words are not enough you need to show her that this is not a checklist and she’s not a reward. She needs to know that your priorities have evolved and that you won’t hurt her or yourself when things don’t go your way. She needs to know that she can trust you again and that you won’t leave her again. If she sees that then maybe she can start to let you in and if not, then you keep prioritizing your mental health without her in your life.”

Andrew sighs and nods knowing his sister is right. If he really wants to start over with Amber, it has to start with him making it clear to her that he’s not gonna hurt her again. He also begins to understand more on why she is so reluctant to trust him again and resolves to finally fix what he broke.

An Hour Later

Amber exits the bathroom in the residents lounge ready to start her night shift when she finds Andrew DeLuca sitting at the table in the empty room clearly waiting for her. She is only mildly surprised as she had to know this was coming sooner or later. After they had sex she has been ignoring his calls and texts wanting some time alone to figure out what it meant to her.

She knows it meant that she was beginning to let him in slowly and seeing the progress that she’s made. But she knows it also meant she could open herself up to pain again. She knows he could slip and lash out at her again and make her go through this heartache that she has worked so hard to overcome. She also knows that not a day has gone by she hasn’t stopped wanting him close to her again like when she was in quarantine.

Amber tries to keep her face neutral as she goes to her cubby to collect her mask and face shield, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you and see how you were doing.” Andrew explains standing up to stand six feet behind Amber who turns to face him after putting her things on, “I know it’s your first day back since quarantine and I wanted to make sure you were still okay. I mean you know how unpredictable this virus is.”

Amber nods, “Yeah, I do. I’ve been good, I’m showing no symptoms so that’s great. I’m staying at a hotel, so I don’t expose my roommates in case I get it again. I’m looking for a new place which is a challenge obviously.”

“Well, there’s no rush.” Andrew tells her, “I mean you don’t want to end up paying three years of your salary on a rundown shack with a goat yoga instructor for a roommate.”

Amber raises an eyebrow, “Goat yoga? That’s a thing?”

Andrew chuckles, “Yeah apparently it’s like regular yoga only you have a baby goat standing on your back, it’s supposed to be relaxing.”

“More like a PETA violation.” Amber retorts with a grin, “I mean yoga is hard enough for me with all of those stretches and I have to have five drinks in me just to tolerate it. No, a goat on my back that poor animal would end up in my slow cooker.”

Andrew laughs at that, “Yeah it would.”

Amber chuckles before grabbing her lab coat, “I gotta go I’m helping with discharges tonight, whether I’ll discharge more body bags than people I’ll let you know.” Amber moves around Andrew to leave the room.

Andrew gathers the courage before speaking up, “Amber wait.”

Amber stops in place and turns to face him, “What is it?”

“…I know your conflicted about what happened between us that night.” Amber inhales with her face contorting in uncomfortableness, “I know this because you haven’t responded to my calls or texts since you checked out.”

“Andrew-”

“Let me finish please.” Andrew pleads and Amber crosses her arms but stands there and listens, “…I know I ruined everything. And I know it isn’t just the mania that’s making it so hard for you to give me another chance. I know it was me leaving that hit the nail on the head. I let my illness hurt you like your mom and Aaron did to you. And I left you like your dad and Alex did too. I hurt you in a way that combined all the ways your family has hurt you and I am sorry.”

Amber looks down at her feet as she hears this apology that squeezes her heart, “I am sorry, and I know it took a lot for you to trust me and I know that trust I earned died in my apartment that night. I know that now. I screwed up and I pushed you away but that’s the old Andrew. The new Andrew is 100 percent transparent; the new Andrew is 100 percent committed to his mental wellbeing and he can prove it to you if you let him.”

“Are you talking in the third person?” Amber asks baffled.

“Yes. Andrew is because Andrew…” Andrew shakes his head continuing his speech in normal terms, “I love you, I’m in love with you, you’re the love of my life.” Amber sighs pressing her lips together at this confession that is pulling her strings.

“I promise you if you give me another chance, I will not waste it.” Andrew swears on the spot, “I will earn back your trust no matter how long it takes me because you are worth every effort. If you take me back, I’m not gonna run away again and I’m not gonna put my mania above our relationship again. I promise you that from now on I will be the person who mends your pain instead of adding it.”

Amber is touched by this promise, but she hides this behind her mask so as not to give Andrew false hope.

“But if you decide not to try to trust me again…” Andrew sighs but continues, “Then I’ll understand.” Amber inhales at this before turning to exit the room leaving Andrew hoping he made an impact on the woman he loves.

[janhooks]

i'm very curious about your interpretation of harvey's "final words" being the same as john's wedding vows in look at the princess

Well this scene is preceded by two relevant ones between John and Harvey, the first where Harvey tries to convince John to kill Scorpius:

JOHN: And what would you have me do? Whack him straight away?

HARVEY: Without hesitation.

So here he means those words pretty straightforwardly. “Kill him without hesitating.”

Then there’s the scene where John is talking to Aeryn in the cooling room and Harvey starts appearing to him as some unholy combination of Aeryn/Scorpius and starts explicitly comparing his relationship with John to John’s relationship with Aeryn:

HARVEY/AERYN/SCORPIUS: Why won’t you just let her go? She’s not yours.

[…]

HARVEY/AERYN SCORPIUS: But you’ll never be lonely. Whether I’m here—[taps John on the forehead a la Scorpy] Or here—[taps his/her own temple] or in a grave on Arnessk, or in a cell on Moya, you’ll never be rid of me.

So in Harvey’s last scene of the episode, when John’s decided to “execute” him, after he’s moved through the stages of bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance of his “death”, he says “Without hesitation,” once more before John shoots him. Here he combines the senses of the two preceding scenes. When he says “without hesitation” he means “if you’re going to do it, do it decisively” and he is also evoking his wedding vows from Look at the Princess to remind John that their relationship is and always will be the most intimate and important relationship in his (John’s) life and that this bond can never be truly broken.

And I mean really it’s just another example of the sexual undertones of John and Scorpius’s relationship that have always been there because hello, he’s an alien dressed in a gimp suit, and the idea that manhood counts for nothing in space and a man is just as vulnerable to rape when it comes to interspecies encounters is kind of the classic male sci-fi fear (see Alien, 1979)… (see the flashforwards in Back and Back and Back to the Future)… (see John’s subconscious anxieties made manifest at the end of Won’t Get Fooled Again)… (see penetration imagery with John’s repeated flashbacks to being injected with the neural chip during season 2, which is then repeated in this episode with Scorpius’s jarring and brutal “removal” of Harvey here). And after 3 seasons of metaphorical rape it’s suddenly become brutally literal with Grayza two episodes earlier (and mind you John is NOT convinced that Scorpius had no hand in it) AND THEN Aeryn comes back which should represent a return to safe harbor BUT she brings Scorpius with her AND she makes John promise not to harm him AND she’s dressed just like him AND THEN Harvey who has seemed to be effectively neutered since the beginning of season 3 takes control and starts appearing to him as an unholy combination of Aeryn/Scorpius, telling him he should let them both die and accept him as a substitute… Safety and danger, love and hate, tenderness and violence, hope and despair, the sacred and the profane have gotten intolerably mixed up. He’s impotent to do anything about Scorpius, the only way he can take back any sense of control is to kill the bastard lovechild. So perversely to his only way to regain a semblance (really nothing more than a semblance) of control is to hand himself over vulnerable and unarmed to Scorpius so that he can inject… something into him and trust that the man who turned his life into a horror is telling the truth when he says it’ll get rid of Harvey…

So anyway Harvey’s line is just another one of life’s little perversions in the Uncharted Territories, where dreams become nightmares, sex becomes rape, your lover looks like the man who split your mind apart, vulgarity is exalted, the lofty is debased, and the bond between host and parasite is as sacrosanct as the bonds of matrimony.

[quarantineroulette]

10 Things That Somehow Didn’t Suck This Year (with a horror films sub-list).

2022 has been an unbelievably surreal and disparate year for me. On one hand, I achieved three long-running goals, visiting Barcelona, becoming a home-owner, and going on a mini-tour with my band. On the other hand, I was plagued by some of the worst periods of depression of my life and endured at least two solid months of virtually nonstop distress in which things got better for a little bit before going really hard on the mental strife. 

Due to so much weirdness going on, I didn’t listen to much music this year and I feel pretty ashamed about that (if you’re a friend and you released music this year, I intend on listening to it very soon, I swear). I’m also a little put off by critical writing in general right now but I still wanted to do some sort of year-end ranking for tradition’s sake. So here’s 10...entertainments? I appreciated this year - whether TV shows, movies, or going to gigs, even though there were a lot of those I unfortunately missed as well. Also throwing in a sub-list of favorite horror films, as those are one of the few things I can focus on even when things are completely haywire elsewhere.

*Atlanta: I really don’t consider a lot of art truly *perfect* but the Atlanta series finale -- and the entire 41-episode show, really -- absolutely was. Out of anyone in my generation, Donald Glover is far and away the *~creative~* I’m most in awe of, most of all for this singular and very special show. I’ll forever be grateful for the intelligence behind Atlanta (I really can’t think of a show James and I have discussed more), it’s unpredictability and the insane level of talent that could be found in its ridiculously stellar cast and crew. I loved everything about every minute of it, but my secret favorite episode was the one where Van has an identity crisis in Paris and Alexander Skarsgard cameos as a cross between an exaggerated version of himself and Armie Hammer. Utterly surreal, totally hilarious, and unquestionably brilliant. 

*“Punk Rock Loser” by Viagra Boys: I didn’t totally love Viagra Boys’ 2022 release Cave World but it still somehow became the album I listened to most this year, and “Punk Rock Loser” had no contest in terms of being my most listened to song. The band excels at songs about decidedly unsavory dudes, so “Punk Rock Loser” isn’t entirely new territory but it is catchy and weirdly groovy in its own little way. Plus, the music video is an instant classic, right down to the Adidas western shirt and completely silly synchronized dance routine. 

*The Rehearsal: This one is a bit of a cheat because I just watched the whole series in like three days so it’s at the forefront of my mind. But something tells me even if I had watched it three months ago I’d still be fucking reeling from it. Like, my sense of perception has been irrevocably scrambled. I need to sit in a dark room and question every interaction I’ve ever had with another human up to this point. I related to this show more than I’d like to admit and also found myself weirdly moved by it at times. Also, massive respect to Fielder for getting HBO to pay for, well, the entire thing, but especially the replica of the Alligator Lounge (although we all know Nate’s Lizard Lounge is really where it’s at). 

*Playing a show with The Veldt: We started working on new music this year so we didn’t play many shows, but we still had a fair amount of success on that front and played our first-ever gigs in the midwest (including a sold out show in Chicago). But being asked to play with criminally underrated shoegazers The Veldt was truly a high water mark (on what was unfortunately a very watery evening in Brooklyn). Had gone to see The Veldt in Philly a month prior to sharing a bill with them, and was wowed by Daniel Chavis’ stage presence and vocal delivery both times around, a pretty powerful counter to the head down aloofness that genre designation typically suggests. Totally cool and lovely guys to boot.

*Warren Ellis - Nina Simone’s Gum: See my previous post, but in short, this book is mesmerizing. What I assumed would be a fairly straightforward rock memoir instead was a loving tribute to Ellis’ idols, providing a lot of insight into collecting and the power we imbue certain objects with and why. Absolutely solidified my opinion that Ellis is one of the most beautiful souls (I mean, he started a sanctuary for wildlife with special needs for god’s sake!) 

*Aldous Harding at Union Transfer: Pretty much the only new music I listened to this year was the aforementioned Viagra Boys, Fontaines DC and Aldous Harding, and I was fortunate enough to see two out of three of these artists live in 2022 (Viagra Boys, maybe next year). Aldous Harding had been at the top of my gig-going wishlist pre-pandemic, so I feel especially grateful that seeing her became a reality this year. It often feels a bit weak to say “OMG I went to see (x) and they sounded just like the album,” but in Aldous’ case, this is kind of an extraordinary compliment, seeing as she sings as about a dozen different characters on her new record, sometimes flipping back and forth over several different vocal styles in a single song. Add to this Harding’s obscure yet very purposeful stage presence and that equals me being enraptured for 90 minutes straight. Had an excellent time pre-gaming at the awesome go-go cocktail bar The Trestle Inn beforehand as well. 

*Intermission: My 10 (actually 11) Favorite Horror Films of 2022

Yeah yeah yeah. Everyone has said it, it’s been a great year for horror. It’s always been my favorite genre and I’ve embraced it even harder since the pandemic for whatever reason. So, just like everyone else is doing, here are my 10 favorites that I’ve seen this year. I didn’t see everything, but I’ve seen enough to have some authority on what was good, maybe...

1) Pearl - Mia Goth’s unblinking stare over the end credits = haven’t been as frightened by a face since Laura Dern running toward the camera in INLAND EMPIRE. Deserves all its accolades and then some. 

2) The Menu - The cast, the setting, the dialogue, Colin Stetson’s score: everything about this was a horrible delight from start to finish. Watching Ralph Fiennes and Anya Taylor-Joy act together was thoroughly electrifying and I will never get Fiennes lobbing the insult “you donkey” at some rich asshole out of my head. 

3) Smile - I saw the trailer for this a zillion times and thought it honestly looked hilariously stupid. Zero expectations and threw me for a complete loop. Still didn’t find it that scary but it was fun as hell and the sound design was excellent. Also, I’m sorry to say I had no idea who (PA native!) Kyle Gallner was until this year but loved him in both this and Dinner in America. 

4) Men / Resurrection - Resurrection walked so Men could run, I guess. Overall, I preferred the former just because I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes for the last 20 minutes and I appreciated its mash-up of folk horror / home invasion / psychological horror / cosmic horror / body horror to the max. Resurrection had Rebecca Hall giving the most insane monologue of the year and my forever crush Tim Roth being a gaslighting sleaze-hound, and those are two things I will never shrug at. 

5) What Josiah Saw - If you ever longed for a southern gothic version of Fire Walk With Me, then head over to Shudder and take this fucked up baby for a ride immediately. Had a scene, totally free of violence or gore, that made me want to squirm right out of my skin. Robert Patrick FTW and was nice(?) to see Nick Stahl again too.

6) Watcher - Great Hitchcockian throwback with great performances by Maika Monroe and Burn Gorman and some beautiful shots of Bucharest. Tense enough that I was nervous going into the bathroom by myself when it was over. 

7) We’re All Going to the World’s Fair - To be honest, I didn’t love this when I was watching it, but jeez did it stick with me. Months after and I still feel a great sense of discomfort whenever I think about it. Not for everyone, but will thoroughly creep you out and fill you with a sense of crushing loneliness, if you’re down for that kind of thing. 

8) Something in the Dirt - Pretty much will be open to anything Moorhead and Benson do just because I find their grassroots approach to cosmic horror and world-building really inspiring. Their latest threw about a million different interests of mine into a pot so I found Something in the Dirt especially delicious. Some really low-key funny moments and I’m still trying to piece it all together but I’m so so happy these guys are out there challenging us and doing it all in such a home-spun way. 

9) Barbarian - Almost didn’t add this because the hype really got to me, but, I know -- that first half was super tense and Justin Long gave his all as perhaps the douchiest character of the year. 

10) Nope - Really wasn’t a fan of US but this was quite a return to form. Loved the set pieces and the unique take on alien design. The spoken word “Purple People Eater” bit was pretty ridiculous but I laughed all the same. The blood house was marvelous, though.

***

*“Turn Off Your Brain and Yell” by Suede: I often get anxious whenever a long-running band or artist I love releases something new, even when it’s a band I love as much as Suede, and was honestly not expecting much from their 9th release Autofiction, as it was being touted as more stripped down and less high concept and dramatic. The record is just fine but live the songs are phenomenal, particularly the fittingly cathartic “Turn Off Your Brain and Yell.” The Autofiction closer served as the band’s opener at their headlining show at Philadelphia’s The Met and it was like an emotional wildfire had just ignited. I’m certain every single neck hair of every person in that venue was standing on end from this song onward. Simply put, it fucking slammed. Anyway, this Suede / Manics US tour seemed like the ultimate dream to me on paper but unfortunately turned out a little bittersweet, but at least I can say for probably the only time ever that Michelle Obama possibly had a hand in preventing me from going backstage like I was supposed to (long story!). 

*The Bear: Didn’t think this could possibly live up to its hype, but really what a touching, funny, intense and lovingly made show. Jeremy Allen White, he seems a little like a himbo, but was completely captivated and moved by his portrayal of the emotionally complex and overwhelmed Carmy. Loved when Richie did or said pretty much anything and the (I cringe at the term) *~needle drops~* were spectacular. Ready to drink down a second season like Xanax-laced ecto-cooler. 

*Kendrick Lamar performing “Savior” at Glastonbury : I feel a bit of a faker listing this as I haven’t watched Kendrick’s Glastonbury 2022 performance in full yet (doing that over the weekend, hopefully), and I’ve only listened to Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers once. I have, however, been returning to this video over and over for months now and I love everything about it -- the lighting, minimalist stage set up -- in such stark contrast to an event as overblown as the Glastonbury festival -- the dancers, and of course the fake blood and glittery crown of thorns. Most of all, I love that the message takes precedence, as it should be but so rarely is these days. So, thank you Kendrick and all the preceding makers on this list for saying or doing something meaningful in a year that frequently felt meaningless. 

[thots-n-prayrs]

I am depressed and bored and trying something new.

I have never journaled. Ever. I just don’t have the drive, or the ability to do something consistently. My life has been a series of hyperfixations that burn out and are soon replaced by brand new hyperfixations, so consistency is just...not my thing.

But I guess now that I have the itch to write, I will.

The whole point of doing it on Tumblr is that I’m screaming into the abyss and I know it. I don’t need a response. I don’t even need for this to be acknowledged, much less actually read. I just want to write it, but I don’t want to keep a running document on Google and I don’t have my own computer right now to keep shit like this on.

I’ve been in a weird state since at least Sunday. Months ago, my wife printed out the “how s*icidal are you” scale my therapist gave me and put it on the fridge so I could move a magnet up and down as my depression ebbs and flows. This probably happened because of one or two incidents where I was s*icidal and didn’t even tell my wife until it passed, and I freaked out, broke down crying, and told her I what I had been feeling and planning.

Sunday-ish, my mental state jumped from where it hovers, around three (”I wish I was d*ead”) to five (”I want to k*ll myself.”) Five is not yet cause for concern. Six is where you should start to get worried. Seven is where you should be more worried. Eight is where you should probably call my therapist or the hospital, because nine or ten is extremely bad.

Well, it hasn’t gone back down. I’ve hovered right here, unusually high, for days. It’s really strange and kind of awkward being in the stage of ideation where you’re thinking about it but not planning. It’s impossible to honestly answer a “how are you.” And, it’s uncouth to tell your co-workers, “Yeah, so, I’m struggling a lot with x, y and z because I am actively fighting my own brain just to stay alive.”

“Stay alive” meaning I don’t want to move any higher up on the scale. Ideally, we move down.

So the problem is that I don’t really know how to move it down. Historically, I have one big cataclysmic breakdown, and then when it subsides, I’m somewhat better. I drift back down to a three. The problem with whatever this is is that it won’t seem to hit the crescendo and subside like it has before. I’m just...here. Like this. Trying so hard to hold myself together -- which isn’t going great since this particularly bad depressive episode is affecting everything. It’s affecting work quite badly. I’m making mistakes I would have never normally made. I’m forgetting everything, even if I write it down. It’s overall going pretty poorly.

(My therapist, my wife and myself made a crisis plan, by the way. My stupid brain found ways around it.)

And all I can really do is remind myself that my wife doesn’t deserve to be widowed. Papa doesn’t deserve to bury another family member way too young -- least of all his own child. Nobody deserves the ridiculously high expenses of a funeral and a burial or cremation.

The other thing I keep reminding myself is that this bad haircut is going to grow out. My hair grows fast. It will be worth watching it grow back to a length I like. It will be worth having cut and styled in a way I actually like it.

My health goals are worth pursuing. I gained weight again when I stopped working a physical job. It’s totally worth learning to exercise without accidentally injuring myself. It’s worth watching myself get slim again, and maybe trying to build muscle like I always wanted to. The only issue with all this is my body, because, well. Chronic pain and fatigue. But one of the ways people deal with fibromyalgia is exercise and changing to a healthier diet.

It’s all worth pursuing, and I can sort of see it in some moments, but then it vanishes and I get lost in the now. Well, right now I’m overweight. Now I’m tired and in pain. Now my hair is ugly (to me).

I’ll be fine in the end. It’s just hard right now. I’m not going to k*ll myself, don’t worry. If I were planning that, I wouldn’t be writing this -- I would be planning or executing...horrible, horrible joke, yikes.

[thornedrose44]

Prompt: "Do it. Take a chance, I'm begging you. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been."

Read on AO3

“What is it?” Kara huffed out, her frustration finally reaching critical mass.

“What’s what?” Alex replied, playing dumb by pretending to study the DEO’s monitors far too intently considering Kara had literally just dispatched the rogue villain of the week.

Kara crossed her arms, hip cocked forward slightly as she leant against the central console, blue eyes observing her sister's profile closely.

“Whatever you’re not telling me because you think it will upset me.” The superhero clarified bluntly, her social hesitation and uncertainty having dampened over the last few years.

She had learnt the hard way how important it was to never shy away from the truth and avoid speaking around the heart of the matter. It was a lesson she had absorbed completely, and it was one she refused to forget - needing to prove she had evolved, had bettered herself from the version that had required teaching in the first place.

“I’m not…” Alex refuted, shrugging dismissively but keeping her gaze trained forward, “There’s no-“

“Look, I’m asking you out of courtesy,” Kara cut in, “but you and I both know that I could just as easily ask Nia, and she would fold almost instantly.”

Alex grumbled irritably under her breath - Nia still had yet to build an effective resistance to Kara’s puppy dog eyes and this particular weakness had caused no small amount of trouble for Alex over the last five years.

“It is Lena related, right?” Kara checked, though it was completely unnecessary.

For Alex to actively try and keep a secret from her, it couldn’t be about anything else. And it had been more or less confirmed by her sister's reaction to her threatening to go to Nia.

“Just because I’m keeping a secret, doesn’t automatically mean it’s to do with Lena.” Alex tried, though the conviction behind her statement was weaker than wet tissue paper.

The redhead side-eyed her and Kara merely had to arch an unimpressed eyebrow in return for the DEO director to deflate.

“Okay maybe it’s a little to do with Lena.” Alex admitted with a wince, rubbing the back of her neck in defeat.

Kara threw her hands up in exasperation. “It’s been over five years, okay? I’m fine!”

Her bellowed declaration of stability, made the nearby DEO agents look over with a mix of curiosity and concern. Kara grimaced at the reaction and as such didn’t resist when Alex grabbed her arm and dragged her out of the central room and into her private office.

Alex turned to face her fully, lips pressed tight together and hands firm on her own hips (it had always annoyed Kara that Alex managed to make her signature superhero pose far more intimidating than her own attempts).

“Yelling I’m fine, definitely helps your case.” Alex retorted, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Kara had the good grace to look suitably embarrassed for a moment before launching into the same variation of the speech she gave every time there was a morsel of Lena news to be had. “I screwed up, okay? Big time screwed up - ‘regret it for the rest of my life’ screwed up!” Kara declared prompting a beleaguered sigh from her sister who knew the blatant lie that was coming next. “But I’ve made my peace with it. I won’t spiral into another depressive episode when I hear how happy she is.”

Alex shook her head, not even remotely convinced - not that Kara could blame her, the last time Alex had been pestered into telling her a Lena update, Kara had spent a weekend on a drinking binge that had successfully proven that there were limits even for a kryptonian.

“I don’t think-“ Alex began.

“What is it?” Kara demanded. “Is she getting another medal from the president?”

Alex shook her head, jaw clenching and unclenching. “Kara, you don’t want to know this.”

“Her and Kal save the world again?” Kara barrelled on, her lips curling into a jealous snarl. “The greatest Luthor and Super duo continue to make the world a better place?”

That particular news article had been printed and burned by Kara’s heat vision more times than she dared admit to anyone.

“Kara, please-“ Alex begged, expression crumpling as Kara relentlessly pushed.

“Tell me, I can take it.” Kara proclaimed, voice coming out high pitched and strained. “Is she dating someone again? Another famous actress? That Olympic male gymnast? What-“

“She’s getting married.”

A bomb must have gone off, Kara thought to herself.

A kryptonite bomb.

It was the only thing that could explain the ringing in her ears, and the way everything just… hurt.

A shard of kryptonite must have pierced her chest and cut her heart into jagged pieces. That was the only thing that could explain it.

“What?” She questioned, barely above a whisper. She didn’t quite recognise her own voice - it sounded shattered and unfamiliar. She also didn’t know what she was asking.

Didn’t know what ‘what’ was all about.

What just happened?

What did you say?

What post-apocalyptic reality are we living in now?

“Next week, she’s getting married.” Alex explained, giving Kara answers she no longer wanted. “Sam, Ruby, Kal and Lois are invited.”

She knew it should sting. Not being invited even though they hadn’t spoken in nearly five years. That she should feel something about the fact that Lena had omitted Alex, Brainy, Nia and J’onn as well - it further reinforced how Lena believed them to be Kara’s friends and never hers (which was one of the things Kara regretted most - how her poor treatment of Lena had infected and destroyed everyone else’s friendship with the youngest Luthor).

“To who?” Kara asked, tone cold, hollow… empty.

“Kara,” Alex murmured softly, reaching out to comfort her sister, “this clearly isn’t good for you.”

Kara jerked backwards so fast that the papers on Alex’s desk shot into the air, fluttering down around the sisters like snow.

“Just tell me!” Kara ordered, hands turned into white knuckle fists at her sides that would be capable of tearing through the strongest of metals. Her eyes heated but she managed to stave the fire in them as she glowered at her sister.

Alex slumped back, leaning heavily against her desk, running a frantic hand through her short hair. “Does it matter?” Alex muttered defeatedly, brown eyes filled with pity and sympathy as she stared up into Kara’s eyes.

“Of course it fucking matters,” Kara snapped in outrage before she had a chance to stop and think , “because it’s not me!”

The admission hung heavy and rotting between them. It wasn’t a revelation to either of them, though the fact that the intensity of Kara’s feelings hadn’t dampened despite the separation of half a decade was.

“Kara…” Alex breathed, standing back up and moving towards the blonde with the obvious intent of hugging her.

“I should get back to CatCo.” Kara mumbled, cheeks a fiery red with shame. She stepped hurriedly away from her sister and was already halfway out the door before she halted, turning back to call out a sad yet sincere. “Thanks for telling me.”

Xxx

“I genuinely don’t get why you love these films so much.” Lena remarked, hands cupping her just made cup of cocoa, nose adorably scrunched up as she snuggled back down on the sofa beside Kara, who didn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around her best friend’s shoulders.

“They’re sweet and romantic.” Kara replied with a happy sigh, turning to nuzzle into the side of Lena’s head for a fleeting moment as the film’s lead started her joyful march down the aisle. “It makes me hopeful.”

“Hopeful?” Lena repeated curiously, leaning away slightly so she could meet Kara’s blue eyes.

Kara shrugged, ducking her head bashfully, “It’s stupid.”

“Hey,” Lena murmured gently, freeing a hand from her mug so that she could interlace her warmed fingers with Kara’s, “you could never be stupid, especially not about something like this.” Her best friend asserted, before asking seriously, “You want the classic big white wedding?”

“Uh…” Kara blushed, cheeks pinking as her mind struggled to kick into gear.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena that the reason she loved weddings more than any other event is because they so closely resembled Kryptonian Bonding ceremonies. That the exchanging of rings, polished everlasting metal, reminded her of wonderfully crafted bracelets clasped on wrists. That it was an occasion for family to join together across generations, for the rare flashes of art and music on Krypton to take centre stage over cold science.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena that after being alone, abandoned and lost - ripped away from her home in the cruelest of ways - that the idea of belonging to someone else, of having a home in someone else regardless of time or location was what Kara wanted more than anything else.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena because it would require admitting the truth of who she really was, it would require taking accountability for years of lies.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena without losing her forever.

“Yeah.” Kara coughed awkwardly, “I want the whole thing. Beautiful dress, surrounded by family… the love of my life at the end of the aisle. Everything.” She shot Lena a side-long glance, “I’m guessing you don’t?”

“Never really been my thing,” Lena admitted readily and Kara’s heart twisted at how Lena didn’t hesitate to bare herself, how she gave all of herself when it could be argued that Kara - at best - only gave half, “probably because I can’t imagine I have enough people in my life to invite and feel ‘surrounded’.” Lena pursed her lips thoughtfully, “I also don’t get the need for the spectacle. Just the idea that there’s someone out there that would want to…” Kara watched her best friend deflate, expression wistful and pained, “be with me, love me like that… that’s more than enough.”

Kara’s eyes stung with barely suppressed tears at how little Lena thought of herself. Whoever had the privilege of marrying her best friend would be the single luckiest and most fortunate person in the universe and Kara wished Lena knew that, wished she believed it. But when she opened her mouth to say it, to proclaim it, her breath faltered and her courage abandoned her… like it always did with the youngest Luthor.

“So no white dress?” Kara muttered instead, voice meek and lacking the lightheartedness that should have carried the question.

It didn’t matter, though, Lena let out a quick exhale that resembled something on the edge of laughter. Kara’s escalating heart rate settled at that, however, it did little to alleviate the pang of regret that was steadily accompanying all her interactions with the CEO.

“Well, I guess I could be convinced by someone special.” Lena teased, shooting Kara an overtly salacious wink that wouldn’t - on the surface - be considered genuine.

“Anyone that marries you will have to be special.” Kara replied, the statement tumbling out instantly.

It wasn’t the heartfelt confession that Kara wished it to be and it wasn’t quite light enough to be dismissed as a friendly reassurance. Instead, it was yet another thing that fell into the ethereal greyness that lied between them, something to tuck away and think back on late at night when they tried to work out if the other meant it the way they wished they did.

“Yeah?” Lena whispered, piercing green eyes studying Kara’s face closely.

Kara swallowed thickly, “Yeah.”

Xxx

Lena found out less than six weeks after that movie night. They defeated Lex and Kara had been on the edge of breathing easy, of being able to simply relax back into her life when it all came crashing down.

They had been at Games Night and Kara had been antsy, waiting for her best friend to arrive. The thought of pulling Lena into a hug had been what she had been looking forward to most all day.

Kara was at peace, laughing and drinking with her friends - her family - when Lena had arrived. Kara had beamed up at her immediately and for a second Lena’s entrancing green eyes lit up in return before turning dark and distant.

Kara’s smile faltered, crinkle appearing between her brows when-

The wine bottle smashed into the wall behind Kara’s head.

Deathly silence fell over the area.

Kara looked into hollow, emptied out versions of her favourite green. She would have preferred anger, fury, rage… the defeated nothingness staring back at the Kryptonian was far worse.

Lena turned and left, grinding Kara’s heart to dust and taking the sand particles left with her.

She knew.

She knew because Lex had told her.

She knew because she had gone to stop her brother, intent on saving the world like always only to find out that those she was saving the world for didn’t view her as their equal. That the people she treated as family had kept her on the outskirts. That her best friend had lied, had manipulated, had-

xxx

It was Lois that found out everything from Lena.

When the fallout had happened, as Kara and the Superfriends realised what they had lost, the blonde hero sent notice to her cousin that his identity was probably known as well (mostly because she remembered how hurt she had been when Kal shared her secret without her consent). Kal and Lois had arrived almost immediately, frantic and terrified (especially with baby Jon to consider) at the concept of a Luthor knowing their identity.

Kara, joined by all the Superfriends, quickly put their minds to rest, sharing Lena’s actions from before, her dependability, kindness and inherent goodness. Kal and Lois were convinced their secret was safe but they were horrified to hear how Lena had been isolated and kept at arms length after her considerable good deeds. Alex and the others had squirmed uncomfortably and tried to weakly talk around their hesitancy.

Kal and Lois had simply looked at Kara for an explanation but she had none. Yet again the words would not come.

It was Lois, therefore, that had sought out the youngest Luthor and through her incredible tenacity was able to gain access where everyone else was rebuffed and harshly rejected.

It was Lois that comforted Lena, gave her support and sympathy.

It was Lois that relayed Lena’s demand that they give her space.

It was Lois that suggested Lena return to Metropolis - presenting it as a way to celebrate how L-Corp, after Lena’s repeated sacrifices and heroism, was fully rehabilitated and ready to reclaim its once home.

It was Lois that encouraged Lena and Kal to work together becoming an unstoppable force that Kara and Lena had always danced on the precipice of.

A Luthor and a Super. Saving the world.

xxx

Kara did as asked. Gave Lena space. Or at least the semblance of space.

She checked in constantly, hovered nearby throughout the days and nights leading upto L-Corp’s departure and Lena along with it. She followed Lena’s jet to Metropolis, a sentinel ensuring safe passage.

She kept her distance for three months. Three months of stony silence before she broke.

Snapped, more like.

Landing on Lena’s new balcony in Metropolis that had been specially built for Superman this time - not for her, though Kara, at the time, had hoped that she had been considered consciously or unconsciously as well.

Kara couldn’t remember the exact words.

She remembered crying from beginning to end.

Remembered ‘I loved you’ - past tense.

Remembered finally breaking through Lena’s cold, hardened shell to the raw, bleeding wound hidden underneath and regretting it almost immediately.

Remembered how seeing Lena’s agony was worse than kryptonite, worse than watching Krypton burn…

Remembered Lena saying she needed time to heal, for Kara to stop hovering nearby - because she knew, she sensed Kara’s presence even without seeing her once - and to give her time to stop thinking of Kara and feeling only pain when she did so.

Remembered promising to do just that.

Remembered a timer starting to count in her head - the seconds that she would be condemned to purgatory.

Remembered the hope that just refused to go out - the hope that whispered give it time, give it time, give it time with every beat of her heart.

Remembered thinking that given enough time Lena would reach out and they would get the chance that Kara had almost destroyed for them.

Remembered flying zig-zagged and dangerous to Alex where her endless stream of tears returned to full flow as she sobbed into her sister’s shoulder using words and phrases like ‘heartbroken’ and ‘I love her’ and ‘I can’t survive this pain’ and ‘what do I do?’ and ‘I can’t breathe’.

Remembered a hollowed out shell of Kara Danvers moving through the motions for a year, for two, three, four… five...

Remembered taking up drinking to excess whenever she saw Lena’s life flourish and grow - not because she didn’t want Lena to be happy, that was what Kara wanted and wished for more than anything - because she wasn’t there with her for those life-changing events.

Remembered Alex and Kelly’s worries growing with each occurrence, intervening more and more to such a degree that they encouraged Kara to consider AA meetings - she did eventually, and found destroying entire junkyards to be a healthier coping mechanism, external destruction rather than internal.

Remembered Brainy at the behest of Alex, setting up Kara’s phone and computer to prevent searching for any keywords affiliated to Lena and to alert Alex if Kara ever managed to stumble upon a news article.

Remembered listening to Kal and Lois skipping large parts of stories where it was clear that Lena was involved - it was nice in some way to know Lena was getting the credit she deserved, but it hurt when Kal’s stories started to involve gaps at Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year (events that made Kara’s loneliness even more acute and her longing intensify).

Remembered her life without Lena.

Remembered regret and guilt and loss.

Remembered-

“She’s getting married.”

xxx

Kara shouldn’t have been there. Shouldn’t be anywhere in the vaguest vicinity of where she currently was.

The bride was dressed in a simple silky white shift, sipping intermittently from her champagne glass as she stared contemplatively up at the designer white dress hanging off the door in front of her. Raven locks were pinned up, so tight and intricate that it made Kara wince sympathetically at how it must tug and pinch at the bride’s scalp - she’d always preferred it down, loose and curling… soft and inviting. The bride’s make-up was artistic with a dramatic edge that would captivate but made her look… not like herself in Kara’s opinion.

Or maybe after five years it made Lena look more like herself - the version of herself she had become once free of Kara and all the pain she brought into her life.

She was hovering outside the dressing room window, trying to work out how far she was willing to take this. If it would be better to leave without saying anything, to try and leave some part of Lena’s life unspoiled.

It was the fear that she had always given into when she was best friends with Lena that made her decision for her. Like speaking her truth and learning to ask for what she wanted - Kara had also promised herself that she would never allow that bone deep fear to stop her ever again.

The window was open and it was as good an invite as Kara was ever going to get.

“Lena?”

The beautiful bride-to-be jerked in her place, champagne glass nearly tumbling to the floor but saved at the last second.

She didn’t turn around for a beat… then two…

Kara was just about to escape back through the window when Lena exhaled slowly and pivoted round to meet her.

“Kara?” Lena breathed out, green eyes closed off and wary.

The kryptonian studied the love of her life for a moment, taking in every little detail - soaking it all up as if accepting that this would be the last time she might ever get to see it again. That the timer that had counted past five years would stop after this moment, the hope powering it gone forever.

“Don’t marry them, please.” Kara requested, no flowery language, no build up. Just the honest truth.

“What?” Lena’s jaw dropped and the champagne glass didn’t survive the second shock, crashing to the ground - released by trembling fingers.

“Don’t marry them.” Kara repeated, uncaring of how the carpet below them soaked up the amber liquid.

Lena’s expression flitted through an array of emotions before settling on indignant rage, “And why the hell not?!”

Kara didn’t flinch, didn’t retreat, instead she stood taller, the crest of her super suit catching the early afternoon light. “Because it should have been me. It still should be me.”

Lena scoffed in disbelief, “You can’t be serious. Now? You’re doing this now?”

Kara pursed her lips, fighting back the regret that always came with the reminders of countless missed opportunities. “Yes.”

The straightforwardness of Kara’s answers seemed to be throwing Lena, leaving her wrong-footed, clearly expecting the blonde to talk around and hint and imply like she used to.

But Kara had learnt. (The lesson had been too painful not to.)

“You had years, Kara!” Lena argued, “Years where I…. I threw myself at you. Practically begged you to love me… to trust me…”

“I know.” Kara replied sadly, wanting desperately to reach out when Lena’s pretty green eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. “I know. But I’m here now.”

“I don’t want you to be.” Lena muttered, arms crossed over her chest and head ducked downwards to hide her expression.

“I know that too.” Kara assured, fingers twitching with the desire to make contact, to comfort and coax - even after all these years her body remembered, the pathways of hardwired instinct related to her best friend were still there, still active even if temporarily closed for service.

“Then why are you here?” Lena murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

“Because I’m in love with you.”

Lena’s head snapped up at that, green eyes like saucers.

Kara’s single biggest regret was that she had never said those words to Lena before, had alluded and pointed at them during their final interaction but had never outright said them. And Lena had deserved to hear them then and deserved to hear them now to forever vanquish the doubts that had always been with her.

“Because I’m in love with you and we didn’t get our chance.” Kara affirmed, taking a half step closer to the bride, her red heeled boots and Lena’s bare feet meaning the younger woman had to tip her head ever so slightly back to maintain eye contact. “We didn’t get our chance because of me. Because I was afraid, I was so afraid of losing you. Of doing even the slightest thing that could mean you weren’t in my life. And in the end every action I took out of fear of losing you ensured just that. I’ve spent five years without you, Lena, and I can’t bear a single day more.”

“Kara,” Lena whispered, “I’m getting married.”

“I know.” Kara smiled sadly before adding, “Don’t.”

“What are you suggesting? Seriously?” Lena sighed, shaking her head mournfully and Kara knew she was losing her then.

“I’m suggesting that we have our chance now before it's gone forever.”

Gathering the small amount of courage Kara had left, she tentatively let her hands nudge forwards, brushing against Lena’s cool, pale fingers. That small contact was everything. Made it easier to breathe, made the colours of the world more vibrant, made everything just more.

“I let fear hold me back from the person that made me happiest in the entire universe and I won’t let it hold me back again.”

“Kara…” Lena whimpered, glancing back over her shoulder at the closed door that her wedding dress was displayed on, though she didn’t pull her hand away from Kara’s touch, didn’t flinch or retreat.

“Do it.” Kara pleaded, stepping across that final slither of distance between them, her forehead leaning forward to rest gently against the side of Lena’s, “Take a chance, I’m begging you. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.”

Lena inhaled shakily, head returning to forward facing - foreheads pressed against one another, breathing in the same air - and then… and then…

Lena’s hands slipped fully into Kara’s, fingers intertwining together.

[gentil-minou]

How would a 12 year old feel to seeing their mom dying by the day and then suddenly losing without having any support from their only parent left and mourning on their own ( yes I’m talking about Adrien xd) I don’t know if this makes sense but could you do an analysis on it ?

Tbh it depends. Grief works differently for everyone. We have the five stages but it looks less like the simple curve we imagine it might be and more like this

Some stages are skipped entirely. Some are out of order. In some cases, a person might not even appear to grieve in a traditional sense. Not to mention the fact that once grief passes, it still comes back

What I'm saying is it's extremely difficult and complicated for us to speculate what Adrien might have been like when grieving. We can see he's is closer to the loss adjustment/acceptance stage when the show starts, so we have no real basis on what his grieving process looks like.

We can hypothesize, though the vulnerability and risk factors that he might have had a hard time during depression/loss/isolation stage, but also Adrien's character is naturally positive and optimistic so he may have had an easier time accepting. I say this because we simply don't know. We do have this photo of him and Gabe which suggests that Adrien did grieve through his own means. It's simply impossible to tell how or to what extent.

However, later on we do see him often gazing at his mom's pictures for comfort. Sometimes this is for comfort, to remember fondly, and perhaps just plain grieve. It look pretty standard and typical, and I would say it's a very good representation of the intricacies of grief and how it never goes away entirely.

I would love to see a flashback episode maybe one day, to see how he coped. But it does give credit to Adrien that he has a natural resiliency to come out of a dark place on his own. It makes me think that even if something happens that brings him back to dark places he will come out of them stronger, especially now that he has more support.

Sorry I can't offer more of an analysis, but we can't really say anything about the earlier stages without more to work with. It does show us how strong and positive he is. It's true that given how small and insubstantial his social circles were back then, he should have had a harder time. And maybe he did, but he might have other resiliencies and temperaments that lend themselves to processing and moving on in a healthy way. This is why I'm a fan of enemy AUs, because those explore a different side of the story where his grieving process could have led him in another direction.

Gabriel on the other hand, he is way more fascinating because he appears to be trapped in the denial/bargaining/anger stage. This isn't meant to forgive any of his actions at all of course! Just that it's interesting to see how both of these people grieved the same loss in different ways, one in a healthy way to make him stronger and the other in a way that made his situation worse.

[theunquenchablethirst]

Valeska Twins with Depressed S/O HC’s (Jerome X Reader/Jeremiah X Reader)

Request from @trainer--taylor

Ok, so I decided on both and I think they would have different ways of dealing with s/o’s depression at different stages in their lives. Pre-spray Miah would definitely deal differently to post-spray Miah and so would pre-Maniax J, to Maniax J, to post-resurrection J. 

And TW, they are big mean, meany pants at the later stages of their lives. They are toxic bois.

I’m sorry it took so long to finish, but I hope you like it. I’ve never done HC’s for somebody else before, so I’m interested to hearing your feedback. I know they’re not generic HC’s and more like the plot of a fic, but oops I guess.

So, I’ll shut up now and let you read it. Enjoy! 

Tag list of lovelies: @peterrose​ @oceannia11​ @violentvaleska​ @lunaticsandidiots​ @nostalgic90s​ @fangirl--writes​ @seldomabsent​ @gabile18​ @valeskakingdom​ @valeskaduh​ @persephoneblck​

Masterlist 

Pre-Maniax Jerome:

He comes to your trailer looking for you and finds you lying on the couch in pyjamas. He’s immediately concerned because you’re not doing anything. Not even watching TV, just staring into nothingness.

He walks over and kneels down, stroking your hair and asks what’s wrong. He’s concerned something really bad has happened. Has someone hurt you? When he asks tears start to well in your eyes, and you tell him you don’t know what’s wrong. Or why you feel like this.

He hugs you and lets you cry in his arms, telling you it’s ok and he loves you.  

He asks if you’ve showered or eaten, which you haven't, so he gently pulls you up off the couch and takes you to the bathroom. He sits you down on the toilet while he turns on the shower, making sure it’s just the right temperature. He helps you undress and puts you in the shower.  

He tells you to stay in there as long as you need, kisses you and leaves you to it.

He goes to the kitchenette and starts preparing you his best grilled cheese, because it’s pretty much all he can make and he needs you to eat something. He also pours you a nice drink.

He spends the rest of the day sitting with you, making you feel nice, brushing your hair, making jokes and watching TV with you. He lets you know that it’s ok if all you do today is survive and tells you he’ll always be there for you when you need him.

Maniax Jerome:

Maniax Jerome is a little different. He’s wilder and cockier, because he knows he can do pretty much anything he wants with little to no consequences.

When he finds you, he can’t really understand why you’re feeling this way. He understood why at the circus, living there was enough to depress anyone. But now, you’re both free and can do anything

He tries to pick you up  out of bed/off the sofa to do something fun “Hey, let's go take one of Galavans cars for a spin!”

When you don’t get up after multiple attempts, he starts to get annoyed “What’s wrong with you?! How can you be like this when we have the whole of Gotham in our hands?!”

Eventually, he gets fed up and storms off, leaving you alone.

Obviously, you feel pretty crappy after that. The Jerome you knew at the circus would never have done that, but ever since all this happened, it’s like he’s been on a constant high.

He avoids you for the rest of the day, but you catch him looking at you a couple of times like he wants to come over. But he doesn’t

Post-Resurrection Jerome:

I’m sorry to say that post-resurrection Jerome might not even notice if you were having an episode. And even if he does, he’s too caught up in his plans and his cult to care. It would only really register with him if he needed or wanted you.

Maybe he wants to go over some plans with you. So, he comes to find you, but you’re non-responsive. He spends some time just talking at you, not really noticing that you’re not replying.

On some occasions he wouldn’t notice at all and just leave when he’s done talking, thinking you’ve had a conversation. And sometimes, he might get frustrated at being the one doing all the talking.

Cue: “Are you even listening?” “You lost your voice?” “Am I talking to myself here?”

When he realises, he will just leave annoyed. He stopped asking what was wrong a long time ago. Maybe when he stopped caring.

After that, things can go a couple of ways. He will either forget about you and go on with his day. Or he won’t be able to stop thinking about it, but not because he wants to know what’s wrong. He’s just getting more and more angry that you’re not paying him attention.

If things go the way of the latter, he will end up storming back to you after a couple of hours in a rage. He’ll shout, scream, throw things, punch walls. Anything to get your attention. Once or twice, it has ended up in you getting hurt. He didn’t even apologise for it, he just left you alone.  

Sometimes you wonder what happened to the Jerome that understood and when exactly he changed so dramatically. Then you remember everything he’s been through and decide it all just left its mark.

Pre-Spray Miah:

When pre-spray Miah notices you’re having an episode, he won’t leave your side for anything.  

He’ll have Ecco run you a bath, with your favourite products and lay out your comfy lounge wear.

He’ll take you in there and sit beside the tub while you soak, trickling his fingers in the water. He’ll also insist on washing your hair for you and scrubbing your back. If you want music on too, it’s done.

After you’re finished, he’ll hold out a towel for you and wrap you in it while you brush your teeth.  

While you’re doing that, he’ll have Ecco make you some delicious food (or send her out for your favourite takeout) and a warm drink.

And then when you’re dry, he’ll help you get dressed. Afterwards, he’ll take you into the bedroom and sit you at the dresser, so he can brush your hair for you and tie it back out of your face. “You're so beautiful, darling. I should arrange a photoshoot so we can properly capture you.”

When the food is done, he’ll sit back with you and put on your favourite movie/TV show.  He’ll stay with you as long as you need him.

Post-Spray Miah:

Ok, oof. Post-spray Miah DOES NOT CARE. Unless it’s affecting his plans, in which case he gets angry. And then he’ll get sadistic.

He’ll find you and treat you lovely. He’ll take you into the bathroom, where the lights are dimmed, there’s some beautiful music playing and candles are lit. You don’t think this is strange because he always gives you a bath when you’re like this. In fact, this warms your heart because of how romantic it is.

He helps you out of your clothes and begins to stroke your body lovingly. “Let’s wash away those demons, shall we, my love?”

He turns you around to face the bath, but just before you’re about to step in, he grabs your arm fiercely and twist it behind your back. You scream, but there’s nothing you can do, because he has grabbed a fist full of your hair and is dunking your head into the water.  Shock hits you as you realise the water is icy cold, but more than that, you’re filled with fear because you can’t breathe.  

You gasp as he lifts you back up. His face is right next to your ear “The cold resets the system. The fear punishes the idle.”

He continues to dunk you a few more times and when he feels you’ve had enough, he drops you onto the floor. “Now we know what happens when we let our emotions get the better of us, will we be doing it again?” You shake your head violently to answer no. He smiles and leaves.

You can’t quite process what just happened. That wasn’t your Jeremiah, was it? After a while, Ecco brings you some towels and clothes. She tells you he wants you to hurry up. You pick yourself up and wrap a towel around yourself. You wonder if Jeremiah caught you crying, would he be angry?

[sapphire-innit]

Saddest Beach Party Ever :(

Watch out for this one folks, it gets a bit dark -- mind the tags (though nothing outside of what you'd expect for.. this episode)

VOD: Tommy Is Left ALONE at his Exile Party with Dream (Start - 35:30)

(rp) I have Absolutely been putting off watching this one because I WILL cry and I am scared

I can't imagine what it was like to watch live and see NO ONE on the beach

He's keeping up a good face, adding more chairs... I'm not looking forward to it setting in.

like fuck man, fuck Dream for chasing of Ghostbur for MULTIPLE reasons but also because no one else even KNEW about the party :(

He's so excited about maybe seeing Tubbo I hate it Thanks

and now he's putting things down for Quackity and adding more things he's still so happy and excited (though you can occasionally see the mask break - there's a lot of nervous energy here)

"Where... no, well go place this" "why did Fundy leave the game" THANKS I HATE IT

Lazer and Fundy have been some of the people who have visited toooo :(

Tommy's face when no one is on the nether path.............. ouch

.............................................................................................

log off right now green demon

log off RIGHT NOW

just stewing in silence ..... painful....

cc!Tommy really is one of the best actors on the server, this hurts quite a bit

............

I know that's Dream joining the call and I hate it

fuck

"I'm running a little late, sorry :)" >:|

fuck, Tommy apologized and tossed his armor immediately INCLUDING HIS GIFT SHOES AND AXE, Dream didn't even ask

Dream of course taking the chance to be '''''''benevolent''''.... probably as a reward for Tommy doing it immediately and without prompting >:|

and ofc Dream just straight up lies about the invites to rub salt into the wound. Cant have Tommy thinking people CARE ABOUT HIM OR ANYTHING.

Even mentioned Tubbo SPECIFICALLY YOU BASTARD "in L'manburg" was that truly necessary bastard

the sun setting... a symbol of hope... the symbol of their friendship.... disappearing into the ocean... I hate it :(

Dream pushing him into eating the cake.. "I've lost my appetite"

just digging in that Tubbo For Sure got the Invite Definitely and no one came except Dream.

"I didn't mind being a little bit late because I thought everyone else would be here" why did he keep pointing out he was late, kept hammering that point home. Like even Dreams attention is not important to Dream? like it has to be earned maybe ..?

"No one cares about me anymore" "that's not true" *BREAKS CAKE* "None of them care about me anymore"

IS HE BREAKING THE PATH OHNOOO ;-;

"No one cares... other than You(Derogatory)"

"Maybe they had something more important" I hate how Dream hides his digs behind sounding consoling it fucking SUCKS

I hate how depressed he sounds, how resigned

....threw away the chicken, and he isn't eating or healing. I knew to watch out for it but its never been this pronounced before. He's down to three hearts ;-;

"I'm pretty sure he burned it, or lost it" I do not believe that for a SECOND Dream, or at least its not as clear cut as it seems. Tubbo CARES ABOUT TOMMY, I *JUST SAW* a clip of him holding the compass aaaaa

ohno

"at least SOMEONE on this entire 30 person server got an invite" "He said he was going to give it to at least 13 people, and at least one person I saw give it in person"

ohno

ohnooooooooooo

he really is gonna toss the compass isn't he nooooooooo

...............

staring into the lava again. "he burned it. On purpose"

Dream quibbling ... but doubling down i hate it

.......its just... so clear he's not only thinking about the compass in lava

Dream shooting at the Ghast,,, telling Tommy to sleep on it, coaxing him back from the edge "almost fell off, careful Tommy" I hate it here

"I don't sleep anymore Dream" "I just want to go home" "Please can I go home" he sounds so broken ;A;

"why can't I stay" :( :( :(

"It's not like they want you anyway Tommy. No one showed up to your party and everyone was invited" And THIS is why Dream tanked the party on purpose. Because if Tommy thinks no one even wants him, he won't even try to get back, and will just stay under Dreams control. There's such a mental and emotional difference and toll from "Outside forces (Dream) are keeping me from going home and maybe I can subvert or change them" and "Home doesn't want me and they're better off without me"

It truly is creepy how Dream is trying to coax him with the Christmas tree, like he's trying to pull this balancing act because he can tell Tommy is on the edge of really giving up and I hate it so much

He still hasn't eaten

"c'monn you want to see the Christmas tree :)" overwriting his feelings as well ugh

"I'm sure if you asked them, they'd say they care about you" I see you invalidating any future concern someone might show him

ALSO TOMMY CALLING EXILE HOME IS SURE SOMETHING

.....him asking Dream to defend him is... painful. Especially having just watched the latest stream where he asked the same of Tubbo right after being triggered as hell ugh. He really has gotten used to being made helpless and depending on Dream, even on the one day he didn't get his armor and weapons taken away from him. He sounds so resigned :(

(( LOL OK THE DNF JOKE WAS PRETTY FUNNY THO))

he's bribing him with the trident and I hate it. Though at least hes enjoying it??? Mixed feelings on that. He ate too and I hate that Dreams honeymoon stage is w o r k i n g )

that is the most sincere I have ever heard Tommy say Dream cares about him and it FUCKING SUCKS

I know we never could have had "Happy Party AU" because Dream never would have allowed people to come and validate Tommy but man Trident tricks w everyone would have been nice

...lol someone pointed out the red looks like blood. the fake girlfriend bits are so Weird

Dream what do you GET out of this, why are you so OBSESSED. He spends so much time here

"I wont bring it up with them because that would be awkward" oof and I bet he won't believe it if anyone says they didn't get the invite will he oof

.. He pulls out the Axe but lets dream actually kill the skeleton, he already put it away before Dream even got on screen how many times do i have to say THANKS I HATE IT HERE before it becomes meaningless

So this was around the point (or maybe a little bit later, but talking about this point) during dsmp where I started seeing it cross my dash without any context and saw a lot of takes about "oh but they didn't get the invite" and I had NO IDEA why Tommy was so upset about what was clearly a misunderstanding or why he was making it such a big deal.... well I get it now

Tommy really really isn't in a place where he can believe someone when they say they didn't get an invite. And it Really Truly WAS a big deal and actually I'm 100% on Tommy's side on this issue now (though I also don't blame the other characters for this: See Big Green Bastard Man who is truly at fault) I can understand completely why he throws it in their face later though

He's doubting if he wants to go back now.. that was exactly the point of it all :(

"Thanks for letting me keep my armor today btw" I hate how sincere Tommy is about this. I hate how Dream has so effectively done this, where Tommy sees it as a FAVOR that Dream doesn't come and blow up all of his things and hard work and THANKS him for it.

People much smarter than me have pointed out how 1:1 this is to real abusive relationships and how well its portrayed. I don't have anything clever or insightful to say here I guess, just that its exhausting and heavy to watch (but also really powerful as well, because we DON'T see shit like this played this realistically, or in this much accurate detail)

I just want Tommy to be out of here safely and realize what is being done to him is WRONG and not his fault and be given a chance to actually heal. I know the likelihood of that in the future, considering whats to come, is also. complicated to say the least.

[captainstarkky]

Doom at Your Service - An Appreciation Post

Before starting this lengthy post about how I love this drama, I would just like to commend the writer - Im Meari. She has done a wonderful job with this series. I am sad that Episode 10, which was supposed to be the most meaningful episode - had the lowest ratings in Korean media.  But still the whole drama as a while was a masterpiece. What can I say? It is philosophical and poetic at the same time. It entails too many meanings and it has born too many questions.

For me, the whole series is the journey to acceptance.

And Myeol Mang represents that.

When we are faced with an imminent death or destruction, our first reaction is to get angry, frustrated. That’s a normal emotional response to a bad news for humans. If you are in the right head, you will obviously cry or either space out, unable to talk for a few minutes. That is how we get frustrated, that is how we get angry.

And remember what Myul Mang said?

“No one could love me. Everyone either resent me or wants me. Or some fear me.”

It roughly translates to layterm as: ‘...everyone resents me’ (no one wants to die) “...wants me” (some wants to die)... “or some fear me.” (everyone is afraid to die)

That’s quite familiar, right? Hmmm? Now proceed.

Now there is actually a theory that talks about grief. It is a psychological construct that has been proposed to explain why people react the way they react when posed with an information they can’t accept. It is a theory of Elizabeth Ross. She called it the 5 Stages of Grief.

According to her, whenever people experience a life changing event - either death, divorce, end of relationship - a person experiences grief and to get out of that, one needs to pass through stages. It is personal and does not entail timelines and schedule - which is harder for someone who has a terminal illness.

Now, some of you might ask: Why and how did you correlate both?

Simple. Because Myeol Mang is destruction. And Tak Dongkyung is dying - she has three months to live, to be specific, she has 50 days to live as of the 10th episode. Therefore, we can say that Tak Dongkyung is currently in this five stages that I’m talking about. 

The story is all about Tak Dongkyung accepting his faith: which is her inevitable death.

By the way, a bit of a trivia, Doom at Your Service wasn’t the only drama who discussed this theory. If you are familiar with Last Romance, the story centers with the theory as well. 

There are five stages of grief as per the theory.

Denial

Denial is the stage where a person still cannot accept the fact that he/she is dying. She may be redirecting her attention elsewhere or she’s just ignoring the fact that she is.

Actually before episode 10, Tak DongKyung is still in the spectrum of denial. She doesn’t accept the fact that she’s dying. Not talking about it is the indication. She prepares to die - writes a bucketlist, clear out whatever is holding her in the world, assures her brother, etc. - but in reality, she doesn’t want to die. She is still in the process of denying the fact that she is dying.

She is basically pushing the idea of Myung Mang to the back of her mind.

That’s why, Myul Mang wants her to speak it out. He wants her to accept it with all her heart; because that’s the only way she could fully love him.

That is also the reason why the Deity told her to LOVE HIM ‘because I created them for you, humans.’

You’re not supposed to hate death and destruction. Because in the end of everything, we are doomed to end anyway. So we got to accept it. We got to love it.

Denial is probably the hardest stage to get over to because you know that there is still a lot you can do before you finally accept it out. That’s probably the reason why she stayed there for the longest time.

Anger

Anger is when you finally considers the idea of dying - but rejects it out. No one wants to die. And if we are faced with the fact, it is only natural to get angry. But to whom?

Tak Dongkyung hated Myul Mang. And she actually makes her point on this fact during the early episodes. 

She blames him for everything - for a moment.

She might’ve been thinking: why me? And honestly I don’t blame her. Out of all the 7 billion people, you are chosen to have a hundred days to live. If I was her, I would get angry too.

But a little food for the mind: Tak Dongkyung isn’t really angry at Myul Mang. She just want to blame someone for her misfortunes, for her cancer. I mean, she is still young and has a full life to live, she still has to take care of her brother and marry him off a good woman, then all of a sudden, she got cancer. All those plans ruined just because of a few words. And a cocky guy shows up outside her apartment announcing that he’s doom - etce tera, etce tera. Again, If I was her, I would be angry at Myul Mang myself.

Because anger helps us cope.

Although she’s pass that stage now, she certainly have his fair points when it comes to getting angry at our Doom.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a temporary truce. We want our life back so we tend to do everything to get it back. Even if we have to bargain with a demon or something. Some people goes back to their faith, some people risk all their possessions to their doctors. Bottomline, we want to have a chance. A fighting chance.

The second Tak Dongkyung entered the contract with Myul Mang, she already started bargaining.

She started thinking what could be her wish. Even if she never materialized them, she thought of them. So since we are talking about wishes, here are her possible wishes:

People would forget about her when she die.

Wanting to live

Happy Ending

For Myul Mang not to get hurt when she’s gone.

End of the world.

But isn’t the wish supposed to be directed to self?

No not necessarily. If you’re in the early stages of bargaining, it might be the case. But as you move to the later stages, your perspective changes and your wishes will center more on your loved ones. You will want them not to get sad when you pass; or good health for them; good fortune. And that will eventually lead you to the fourth stage - which is depression. Because you know that your wishes for them could never come true.

Depression

This is the interesting part.

What is depression? It is the feeling of immense hopelessness especially in her case that she is dying. The fact that your short life will not leave a mark and the fact that you won’t be able t see your loved ones again - that sadness - but to the greater length. To the point of you not being able to function properly in the society.

Where did the depression start? It did not even show in the whole series.

Oh no, it did.

This is the reason why this drama is for those people who can understand social cues - therefore, intelligent people. If you haven’t seen it then it’s a good time to rerun the drama on your laptops.

Tak Dongkyung has always been depressed. She wouldn’t wish the end of the world if she is not.

From the death of her parents, from the constant thoughts of being a burden to her aunt, from her missed interviews, from his brother stopping college, from her sexist boss, from her cheating ex, from her cancer. Everything is just depressing. 

But why can’t we see it?

Depression is a psychological issue. She might present herself as a happy person but there’s no guarantee that she feels the same inside.

That makes sense.

And do you know what’s the peak of her depression? The moment she knew about her sickness. 

The same day she met our handsome Myul Mang.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage, for it only means that you are finally in the stage where you have finally made terms with your fate. It is the stage where you’re staring to realize that ‘ah, it’s really here.’

And that, my friends, is the goal of the drama.

Tak Dongkyung who’s always scared, sad, and hated her life must accept it. She must be able to accept her fate and herself. She needs to accept Myul Mang. Her death.

And to be honest, she is making a whole lot of improvement compared to when she was on the previous episodes. She was truthfully falling for Myul Mang and it means that she’s slowly accepting her death.

We can hear her say:

“I’m not scared anymore...”

On the teaser after Episode 10. It can only mean one thing, she is a step closer to acceptance.

Tak Dongkyung’s journey to self-acceptance still is not ending. She still have a few more days.

Technically, she’ll die. But I hope she will not and she will end up with Myul Mang in the end.

With that I would like to make a point: This drama is for philosophical people.

If you cannot understand what is happening, then it’s obvious that you will not be watching it. If you want skinship and lots of cute scenes, then you can watch this - Seo In-guk and Park Bo-young serves us just enough - but you still won’t get it.

You’ll think that it’s going nowhere and eventually drop the drama because all you want is fluff and love story.

I hope it’s not like that.

Just like everyone who shares their thought and theories, breakdowns in here, let us try to read between the lines on what it really wants to tell us.

You will enjoy it, I promise.

[pinof]

Under the cut is the full transcript for The British Get Talking Podcast episode on October 8, 2020 with Dan!

[Interviewer:] Hello everyone! I'm Kylie Pentelow and here we are again. This is the second series of the "Britain Get Talking" podcast from ITV where I talk to some amazing people who open up about the mental well being. Today, Dan Howell is a YouTube star. He rose to fame through his comedy videos that have had more than a billion views. More recently, he's opened up on his YouTube channel about depression and his video "Basically I'm Gay" has had eleven million views. Dan is now writing a book about mental health and is an ambassador for YoungMinds. Dan is obviously funny, but he's also clever and sensitive. To me, it seems he's using his huge profile among young people to really make a difference. I loved talking to Dan and I hope you like listening to this podcast too. Dan, thanks so much for speaking to me today! How are you?

[Dan:] I am a big fan of saying "I'm fine." And that is the absolute worst, most British answer to that question that anyone can give. And it's what people say all the time. And, you know, for me, it's definitely- It's something that instantly says way too much. *laughs* Doesn't it? I mean, you can write a whole essay about "I'm fine" as an answer. "Oh, I don't want to inconvenience you. Oh, I don't want to bore you by talking about whatever I'm going through." And that's very me. I accept that one of my flaws is I don't want to put something on the other person. I don't want to start a whole thing that might bore them. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning, so I'll just go, "I'm fine!" And usually the tone in which I say "I'm fine" immediately betrays the fact that I'm- You know, might be clearly very stressed about something. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] Do you think your kind of friends would pick up or people you know would say, "Oh wait, you sure?" or would they delve deeper?

[Dan:] Everybody I know! They just look at me like, "Okay, Dan." *laughs* Cool, okay. So in ten minutes, we'll be talking about how you actually feel. We just need to get through the kind of ice breaking- Cause, you know, I'm that introvert and I'm quite socially awkward so it takes a while to melt the ice to get through to whatever's there.

[Interviewer:] You're hugely successful! You rose to fame with your YouTube videos. They are very funny!

[Dan:] Mhm. *laughs* Thank you!

[Interviewer:] But you have a few small serious ones in there recently. And you've spoken very openly about your depression. What prompted you to do it in the first place?

[Dan:] Yeah, so that was quite a journey. In case anyone doesn't know- Uh, hi, my name is Daniel Howell. *laughs* And as you say, I was mainly known for being somebody who uploaded comedy videos to YouTube. Which I think, Kylie, is something you and I have in common! I'm aware that you have some toes in the YouTube space.

[Interviewer:] Yeah! Oh my goodness. Back in the day, yeah.

[Dan:] Look at us! We got one toe in traditional media and the other in the Internet.

[Interviewer:] I love this. *laughs*

[Dan:] So yeah, these videos- They were something that I started when I was a teenager and they were just kind of comedy videos about everyday things. So I had like rants about how annoying people are at the airport or what it's like going on public transport. And then I'd, you know, move onto talking about things that people were arguing about in TV shows. It was all very funny. It was all very relatable. And as time went on, I started to be a bit more personal with the stories I was telling. I was saying, "You know what? I'm actually going to tell you today about the time I got fired." It was an awful time in my life but usually the things that are really awful are very funny to laugh at. And people liked that because I was sharing something personal. It was intimate. It made it even funnier because it was real and it was awful. You know, comedy is just tragedy and someone saying you're allowed to laugh at it. And it was in 2017- I'd gone through a few years where I really started to think about my own mental health seriously for the first time. Because I had quite an upsetting childhood, as someone who grew up gay. And I had a lot of issues with depression and various things and really had just never thought about it in my life until any point. And it was only when I was in my mid-twenties that for the very first time, I stepped back and I was like, "You know what? I'm feeling like this and this is something. It's not right and I should do something about it. I came to terms with the fact that I really had been struggling with depression for a very long time. And this is something that's obviously- It's quite hard to firstly accept on a personal level and then to tell anyone about: your friends and family. And for me, I was in this strange place because I had this career as this comedian who was known for sharing these things from my life and being very open and having this great relationship with my audience. And yet, it felt like there was this huge, kind of big secret dark cloud in my life that people didn't know about. And it was especially strange for someone who performs on stage and you know, who did jobs like the one I did on Radio One. And it felt like all the time, I was acting very funny. I was acting very happy and really there was this whole other side to me. And I just decided that for several reasons really, I had to get it out there just so people would know this fundamental thing about me so they'd understand a bit more about my story. But also that I felt, even in 2017, there was so much misconception around discussing mental health and what depression is. And so many people out there that felt like they needed to have this conversation held in a public place. So it was absolutely terrifying for me. But I decided to make one of my typical, you know, comedy videos where I tell stories and I talk about my opinions. Except I opened up about my depression and it was an absolutely huge moment in my life. And I remember being terrified when I hit that upload button. And the response I got was just so much more positive and powerful than I could've ever imagined. Not only because people were saying, "This is so much more compelling because it's real and you're being honest. But so many people had never really had depression explained to them? They were like, "I have loved ones that go through this. I have friends and I've seen it and now I understand it more." And so many other people said, "This is me. I was sat watching this." So people were saying, "I've been struggling with this for years and I didn't know how to talk about it to my family." Other people were saying, "I didn't even know this was me. Now I'm seeing it for the first time." And that really- You know, it was a moment that changed my life in my career for sure.

[Interviewer:] The thing I think you do really well in it is explain the difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed. Can you just explain that?

[Dan:] Well, we all feel sad many times. You know, we can watch a Disney movie and feel sad. *laughs* If something sad happens. But depression is when you notice for a long time that things aren't right. If you're not enjoying the things you should be enjoying. If you're having a real struggle just maintaining the basic things you should be doing: getting out of bed, feeding yourself, opening the curtains. If you feel like you've sunken into a hole. If you're not enjoying the things that you're doing. If you just don't have the energy- You don't want to socialize anymore. Then it's not just that you're feeling sad because an event. It may be that you are depressed and this isn't something that may just blow over. It's something that you need to really acknowledge and then do something to fix.

[Interviewer:] You also talk about how it affects things like your diet as well. Like that was quite a surprise to me. Sometimes you might feel like you might not want to eat at all. Sometimes you eat to try to make yourself feel better.

[Dan:] Absolutely. Yeah, some people when they feel depressed, they just can't eat because you know- I mean, cooking's an effort. I'm one of those people that hates cooking. I mean, I love eating. I hate cooking. So yeah. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] I'm with you.

[Dan:] And this was me sometimes. I would just go, "I don't want to cook." And then I would lay in bed all day and I wouldn't eat. And then another day, I would be feeling, you know, so self indulgent, I'd be like, "I'm going to order just the most decadent, gross amount of pizza no human should be able to consume in one sitting." And then do that just to fill the hole inside my soul with carbohydrates. And that may make you feel good for about ten minutes and then when you're digesting it all the next day, you realize that it's actually just another kind of self destructive behavior.

[Interviewer:] You also talk about medication as well, which I think was really brave. Cause even though lots of people might talk about feeling depressed, they don't share that they're talking any medication for it. In fact, the other day, my close friend shared with me that she was taking antidepressants. And I've known her for a decade and she's never told me that. Actually, it was because she's been listening to this podcast, which is great that she felt that she could share that. But do you think that is important to get the whole kind of picture out there?

[Dan:] I think there's a big stigma around taking medication, which is strange as an absolutely huge amount of the population are taking medication for all kinds of things. And antidepressants are very common. And of course we're saying this knowing that anyone listening- You should always consult a professional. Go to your doctor. Speak to them. For some people, medication works. For some people, it doesn't. It's one of many options but it's definitely something that- It can have big effects on how you behave. On how you need to live day to day. And you shouldn't be afraid of telling people that. It doesn't mean that you're broken. *laughs* It means that you're taking a step to try and get help and be better. And it's brave to share that, so I would encourage anyone that feels bad about the fact that they take medication to try to be more casually open about it. Which I appreciate can be really difficult because it just has this knock on effect of making everyone less ashamed.

[Interviewer:] What was that, kind of, first step like for you? Was it speaking to your family? Or was it going to the doctor when you sought professional help?

[Dan:] Well, the first time I sought professional help I think was when I was at University. I was going through a really hard- Kind of quarter life crisis time where I was thinking, "Oh, what am I doing with my life? Why am I enjoying what I'm doing?" And I just realized that I wasn't functioning on a day to day level. *laughs* And I spoke to one of the counselors at University and this was a positive experience. You know, sometimes if people talk about their mental health at their work place or their University, you hear these horror stories. I had one of those good examples where there was this lovely lady and she said, "It sounds like you have depression and if you need to take some time out of school to do that, then that's the right thing to do." And then I went to the doctor and then you know, we spoke and he said, "Yes, it sounds like this." And that was the first time I acknowledged it. And the first time for the few years, I kind of acknowledged it but I didn't actively work on it that much. And as I said, it was a few years later, when I was in my mid-twenties, when I was like, "No. If this is my normal, this isn't right. And it's something I need to make an effort to pull myself out of."

[Interviewer:] You are writing a book at the moment about this, aren't you? I wonder how that's been because sometimes, it's great, isn't it? To talk about stuff and other times, you actually just wanna be a bit quiet and deal with things, you know, in your own way. But I wonder whether a book has kind of open more things up for you.

[Dan:] Yeah, I mean, you know- Talk about coming out of the closet. Which is something I also literally did. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] We'll talk about that in a sec. *laughs*

[Dan:] Yeah, so the book is called "You Will Get Through This Night" and it is coming out in May next year. So it's only around preorder now, but people can find it on Amazon if they're interested. And it's quite wild for someone like me to write it. The book is a hand book. It's a tool for people to understand their mental health and to make changes to their improve their lives. And the idea behind it is that we are all kind of in this state where as humans in our modern society, there's various things that we feel ashamed to talk about. There's a stigma approaching various things. If we do certain things, we're viewed as weak. We don't want to admit certain things to ourselves and this is about breaking down all of those things and going, "Actually, all of these behaviors that so many of us do day to day are self destructive. These attitudes we have towards these certain things are totally wrong. We need to change the way we think about these things. We need to forgive ourselves slightly more. We need to be more patient." And also just understanding how all the things you do on a day to day basis affect your mental health. Sleep, exercise, socializing. Every single time you have a thought, you need to check that thought and go, "Am I being completely unreasonable and putting myself in a position where I'm going to have a crazy amount of stress or if I'm going to make myself really anxious." And the hope is that with this book, a lot of people will realize, "Oh my god, I do all of these things day to day and I had no idea what profound effect all of these things had on my life." I'm spicing it up slightly by obviously sharing my personal journey- *laughs* With all of these things and as you say- That is quite, uh, a strange experience for me because I- It's obviously been extremely helpful. I mean, it's been blowing my mind just writing this book. The whole thing done in consultation with a qualified psychologist, so obviously I know what I'm talking about when I'm giving this advice. And when I was reading all of the theory for me to turn into this book, I was just sat there myself- *laughs* As I would hope people would be when they read it thinking, "Oh my god, I'm awful! I need to give myself a break. We do all of these things all the time? And I'm making myself feel like this for no reason? That's crazy!" And came to saying, "Right, on this topic, I'm going to share with you what my journey has been dealing with this. Here's my stories about it. It's been simultaneously quite cathartic and to be honest, quite difficult revisiting a lot of these things. Especially if you go through things when you're younger or if you feel that there's certain things that you've moved past from. Then it can be quite upsetting to revisit these things and whilst initially, it was quite a jump to get into that, it definitely makes you realize that confronting things with a clear head, with the best of intentions and some honesty looking at yourself- It really makes you feel a lot better on the other side.

[Interviewer:] How do you cope with doing what you do because the industry you've chosen to work in- Not only like putting yourself out there on YouTube, but also saying, "I'm funny. Look at me, I'm going to make you laugh." You know, that must put a lot of pressure on you. But also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing it can sometimes it can be a bit solitary as well? How do you deal with all of that going on?

[Dan:] Oh god, yeah. I picked as a complete introvert with crippling social anxiety and mild agoraphobia- I picked the absolute worst career possible. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] Yeah!

[Dan:] But maybe, that's why the material is so honest. *laughs* You know? That's why I have so much to work with. I think that, you know, there is an element of being forced to confront your demons that probably helps accelerate my internal growth process. And especially from the comedy perspective, there is a fine line between saying, "I'm going to open myself up for people to laugh at my stories and kind of appreciating that I need to save a bit vulnerability." And it- You know, it was crazy. I made a video called "Trying To Live My Truth" about the concept of authenticity and how in life, if generally, if we aren't being authentic- And this isn't just doing a career that we love. It may be being honest in the relationships that we have day to day in really being true to ourselves about what we want to be doing, where we want to be. If you kind of lie to yourself and go, "Oh, I'm just going to do this for a bit to do here. I'm only having a relationship with these people for now." Eventually, it'll get to you and it will wear you down. That was a really hard thing for me to talk about because I was saying, "There's so many aspects of my life where right now, I feel like I'm not being authentic and I'm realizing it's really taking a toll of me. So some people may have to appreciate that I'm going to have to tell them things and I may not be the person that they thought I was but this is something that I have to do if I need to be happier."

[Interviewer:] We talked earlier about how, you know, you've done some more serious videos. But actually, even your video about depression is really funny. And obviously it's really great to be talking about mental health but we need to not be too worthy about it, don't we? And just- I was watching that video feeling really connected to what you were saying and then a second later, I was laughing out loud and actually, it reminded me a bit of "After Life"- Ricky Gervais' show. I don't know if you watch that but.

[Dan:] *laughs* Yeah, definitely.

[Interviewer:] It's that very fine line that- You know, in one of his scenes, I remember when he was talking to his dad that I was crying and then literally the next second, I was laughing out loud. And I just felt- That's such a positive thing that you do and is that a real conscious thing that you do?

[Dan:] I mean, my default is to always kind of break the tension by making people laugh. And there's a side to that like, "Okay, we can laugh about it but eventually we're going to have to be a bit serious." So you need a bit of both but I think especially when talking about these difficult topics, just making it funny- It breaks that ice. And often by pointing out the silly things that happen as a result of these things, you know, I've been making fun of the fact that I'm depressed all day and my friend's just like pouring popcorn all over my head. Like, "Come on! Enjoy the things that you used to enjoy." It's like okay, that's really silly. That's really goofy. And it's like- But it kind of is silly, you know? And then me kind of taking a step back and realizing, "Yeah, me lounging around in bed all day. Yeah me being afraid to go outside for this reason or that." There are little things that are relatable. They're just a bit silly. And when you can laugh at that- I mean, just laughing or smiling once. We can talk about the health of people with depression. Sometimes putting on a bit of comedy and watching something can really save the day. So I think that there's a real benefit to even the most difficult topics, finding something to make people laugh. It makes it easier.

[Interviewer:] Let's talk about your video that's- I don't know how many millions of views it's got. "Basically I'm Gay." Tell me about that video and why that was important to make.

[Dan:] So that was essentially a coming out video. I mean, I would say it was the biggest moment of my life in a lot of ways. Because I've had a real struggle with sexuality my entire life. I think I've known, on some level, that I was some kind of gay since I was a small child. And I had an incredibly difficult time in school with bullying. I had difficult relationships with some of my family members and it was honestly- It was quite traumatic and I never really realized it because I got used to that state of just accepting that this is the way things are and getting on with it to survive. Kind of very extreme version of the British stiff upper lip to get -on with it. And it was only really when I reached kind of 27/28 when I was like, "Oh my god. No, this is awful! *laughs* I've got so much baggage. I've got a heathrow carousel in my cupboard over here." It was terrible. And I ran away from this entire subject of sexuality because it was just difficult. And there was so much wrapped up in it. And for any courage that it took me for me to talk about mental health or even just, you know, terrible things that happened to me that may be embarrassing when I'm on stage in a little routine or something. For me to not just talk publicly about my sexuality and everything that went into it but just to accept it myself was a huge journey. And you know, it's called internalized homophobia and it's basically from growing up in such a homophobic environment. I was brainwashed, really, to kind of hate myself and not accept the fact of who I was. And this was such a huge part of my mental health-  My entire life. To the point where I only acknowledge it truly a few months before I made that video. I think when I was talking about that authenticity thing, I was just like, "I'm a sham." I was on a world tour with my friend. We did a stage show and went to eighteen countries. Think we met about fifty thousand people at these little meet and greets before the shows. And so many people would come up to me and they would be so honest. Some people would cry and they'd just say, "You opening up about depression gave me the strength to turn my life around." Or, "You talking about athenticity made me quit my job." There were other people that said, "I want to come out to my parents just because you talked about being authentic and about your mental health and these things." And I felt like a complete fraud because here I was- I was supposed to be this guy who made the funny videos but at the same time, I was talking about these topics and I was being open about myself. And I was just like, "The hugest thing is still completely hidden and it's something that I know I'm hiding from myself." And I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. So I uploaded this video saying, "I really just need to think about how I can be more authentic because I felt like I've hit this road block in my life where I just can't continue. I've done it for too long. I've put it off and I just feel like in every aspect of my life, I've hit that wall. And until I break through it, I just can't do anything." And I basically disappeared from the Internet for about a year. And in that year, it was a complete journey where I said, I needed to acknowledge it for myself. I realized if I ever wanted to talk about this publicly, there's so many things I need to do. I need to come out to my family. I need to tell friends. I need to think about how it's going to affect my work life and I really just went on this complete crash course of a life wrecking in the start of 2019. *laughs* And it was a huge journey. As I said, I'm this huge socially awkward person so the idea of coming out to my family. Oh, I just couldn't do it. It was just awful. I remember it was Boxing Day 2018 and all my family were just sat watching "Chicken Run" or something. And I was like, "I'm gonna do it. I have to do it at some point, you know? I have to tell the family." And it's this awful thing coming out- It's like nobody wants it to be a big deal. *laughs* It's just because that we live in this world where people are presumed to be straight, it's not like gay people want to cause a big scene by coming out. They have to. Because no matter what, when you tell somebody, it's going to be a big surprise usually. So I'm the last person that wanted to make it all about me. God, I just want to blend into the background. I was thinking, "I'm going to have to completely blow up this Christmas." And I couldn't do it. So I thought that was the perfect opportunity and it's gone now. My family- For about two months, I was just like, "Aw, I ruined it.  I ruined it. That was my one chance."

[Interviewer:] Oh gosh, that must have been so stressful! You're just carrying that around.

[Dan:] Oh, it was awful! Yeah and then I went for dinner with my mum. And I was like, "Okay, intimate. I'll do this." And then again, I was like, "I don't want to ruin my mum's birthday by making it all about me." *laughs* Then I left having failed to do it then and I went, "Right, this is getting stupid now." So you know what I did? I wrote an email to all of my family. Just CC'd them on an email and just said, "Hi. Basically I'm gay. Let me know if you want to talk about it. Bye!" And I just hit send and closed my laptop. That is very much- That is the Dan Howell strategy of throwing the hand grenade, closing the door, and going, "Whoops!" And then I got the phone calls and you know, thankfully I think that we're living in a much more kinder, accepting world than we did twenty years ago. I think that we can see when it comes to all kinds of things- The world is getting a lot more smarter and educated and just accepting and more kind. So the reception that I got from my family in 2019 was very kind and loving accepting. And it was really kind of wonderful. It felt like this huge, colossal weight had been lifted from me where I felt like there was this wall between me and my family my entire life, where there was just something that was unsaid. Something that would've explained so much. A fundamental part of who I was. It was so important to get that out there. And as you said earlier, just you know, as someone that as a public figure. As an entertainer who talks about myself for my career, getting this out there? I don't know. It was just absolutely profound so I spent months and months writing this video. And for people that don't know, you'd expect a YouTube video to be a twenty second video of a cat falling down the stairs or something. I ended up putting this forty five minute- *laughs* It was basically a stand up special that I filmed in my office. It was dense. I was like, "Look, if I'm going to talk about sexuality, I've got say strap yourselves in people." And yeah, the moment I hit go on that, it transformed my entire life. It was really just this feeling of this pressure lifting all around me and it felt like age 28, that I finally alive for the first time. And my life had only just begun. Because only now was I actually out there. People knew who I was and I could kind of begin living authentically in world where people actually knew who I was. And that's crazy.

[Interviewer:] Do you wished you'd done it earlier or do you think it was the right time?

[Dan:] *sighs* I do wish I did it earlier. What I would say to anybody- You may be somebody queer in the closet thinking about doing this or you may just be someone who wants to open up to your loved ones about the fact that you may be depressed. Or you just want to be honest about the things in your life saying, "You know what? I really hate my job and it's ruining my life." Or something about the relationships in the life or the friendships. They're just not working. You cannot sit on these things forever. Confronting them an be so difficult. I mean, look at me. I basically went into a cave for a year- *laughs* And had the most socially awkward time ever dealing with it. And it was so difficult but I cannot tell you how free it felt afterwards. So that's definitely something I want everybody listening to this to take away.

[Interviewer:] Did you look at the comments on the video? And if you did, what were they like?

[Dan:] Yeah. I mean, I try not to- *laughs* You know, see what people are saying about me too much but I did. It was all very nice and as I say, you know, I wish I would've done it earlier in my life but I don't think I could've done it earlier in my life. And I didn't. And that was for a reason. I just couldn't have. I just wasn't in the place to. I did it when I did and thankfully we're in a world now that's so much better. And my audience that I have is so kind and loving and accepting. Because you know, I cultivated a following of people that liked me being open about mental health and sharing the most awkward, stupid stories from my life. So when I shared the biggest thing, what was there waiting for me was a community of people that were there to be supportive. And that was just- You know, I feel so lucky that I had that really positive experience. So just like the depression video, people were saying, "I feel seen by this." Or, "I now finally understand what it's like for gay people in a way that I didn't before. I can talk to my mum. I can show my mum this. I'm straight and I had no idea. This is amazing." And just to see that a byproduct of me being honest about myself managed to help people- It really, you know, it helps! *laughs* Cause it's safe to say that I've struggled a lot. I'm someone that is very, very good at beating myself up. I don't ever taking a win. People always say that about me. If something goes very well, they'll be like, "How'd it go Dan?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah. It was alright." "What do you mean? It went great?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah! It's fine." *laughs* So yeah definitely, I feel very lucky it's gone as well as it did.

[Interviewer:] You're an ambassador for YoungMinds as well and you know, you're obviously speaking out, "Hey!" And for your YouTube videos. Do you think there is still a stigma particularly attached to young people and mental health?

[Dan:] I think that definitely young people- When you get into teenage years, everyone's very defensive and they're very aggressive. And I think that a lot of people go into- Especially the school environment feeling scared. They don't want to be judged by other people. They don't want to seem weak. They're proactively feeling scared and defensive and aggressive to protect themselves from being harmed by people cause you're just so scared. So definitely. People don't want to admit that they have anxiety. I think that young queer people might not feel like you know, "I can't do this now. It's not worth the risk." And I think that the YoungMinds charity, which is part of the Royal Foundation that Harry and Will support, does such amazing jobs cause they not only create material to help young people understand, "If you're feeling like this, you might have anxiety. That's not normal. And here's how to help." But they also reach out to parents to say, "This is how you can observe these things that may be happening in your family and realize it may be silent. It may not be talking about it. It may be this huge issue happening right in front of you." And as well, they're helping the schools cause I think it's definitely safe to say that schools could do it a lot better in protecting mental health of the young people that go to them. So it's definitely one of the off shoots of me opening up about depression. Being apart of this amazing charity that does such great work. It helps me sleep at night.

[Interviewer:] And we'll hear, um, about an appeal actually to raise money for mental health including Mind and YoungMinds in a minute. It's so important, isn't it? That they exist. That they're even out there for us.

[Dan:] It's a lifeline for people because I think that anyone who struggled with any mental health issue listening to this would know that that one conversation- That first conversation. First olive branch that you get reaching out to you. That could be what saves your life. So it may feel like, "Oh, we've talked about this enough. Doesn't everyone know about mental health right now?" And there may be someone listening to this that's going, "You know what? That's me. I've got that thing that I haven't shared yet. I need to have that conversation. I need to have that one moment where someone listens to me, acknowledges how I feel." And definitely, it's just such a huge part of everyone's life. And it's completely silent. There's still so much more to do.

[Interviewer:] I hate this word, Dan, but I'm gonna say it. It sounds like you've been on a real journey. *laughs* I can't think of a better word.

[Dan:] *laughs* Oh no. I've been full hobbit there and back again, yeah. It's been a real around the world adventure. And you can watch it all on the internet, god.

[Interviewer:] I wonder if you could talk about kind of just the lowest point but then the kind of real highs. Cause then, at the moment, it sounds like you're in a really good place.

[Dan:] I mean, I'm definitely in a better place. I think that none of us should ever feel like we've solved all our issues and we're fine. You know, that was me, age 22. I was like, "Cool! Apparently I've got depression. That's fine. I know what to do it." It's like no, you need to- You need to make an effort. You need to really think about all the things in your life. You need to talk to a doctor. I think that, you know, for me- My lowest point was definitely when I was teenager. There was a point where I actually tried to take my own life because the struggles that I had with my sexuality were just so extreme within my friend group and school and everything that I was hearing from the world. I just really felt like, "I'm broken. This is not right." I looked at the world around me and I thought, "There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere else. I know everything." So it was that impulse impulse is what I think people in this situation feel. Where they just think, "This isn't about anyone and this isn't a rational decision, but I just feel like there's nowhere to go. And I need to hit the escape hatch." And I was so wrong because as I got older and time progressed, I just realized that the world is so big. And even if you feel like you're trapped in a situation, time can change everything. And if I just knew how much the world would change. How much my life would change. Not just with my career, but just moving to a different city. Meeting new people. I wasn't stuck. There was nothing like that and that was definitely the lowest point. And I feel so glad that I managed to make through that time. And the fact that you know, I made it through all these years and- *laughs* This journey that I went on. Kind of very publicly. Going from like- I think I even made a YouTube video just before I got a job at Radio One saying, "I'm going to drop out of Law School to try to make it as an entertainer." And everyone at the time was like, "You're an idiot. What are you doing? What?!" *laughs* Cause this before anyone had a career on the internet, you know? They were like, "Okay,so the BBC wants to give you this job. That's kind of cool. But are you sure you don't want to be a lawyer? That seems cool." My granddad was not happy.

[Interviewer:] I'm bet. *laughs*

[Dan:] You can see this whole journey and you know, from doing everything I did with Radio One to writing a book and to end up in a position where me just going on the journey that I need to go on personally ends up being shared with the world- That can do something for other people is just a bonus that makes me feel just really happy. Not just personally, but for the state that the world is in.

[Interviewer:] Aw Dan, it's been so nice chatting to you today. Thank you so much for your time.

[Dan:] It's been really nice. It's been like a therapy session. It's very cathartic! [Interviewer:] That's good! I'm for me. Great! Dan, thanks so much.

[Dan:] Thank you very much. Have a nice day, everyone.

[kookiepredictions]

Jungkook Energy Reading

Jungkook is at a major crossroad of his life. Here, he has a choice to make between 2 roads that will potentially lead him to 2 completely different lives. The choices are to either stay the course that he has been following until now, or to level up to a new, challenging but highly rewarding stage. This is a very fun and interesting topic to discuss so I will take my time with this.

To give you a context, Jungkook is a very highly intuitive person since, like, forever. Ever wondered why (or how) out of... (was it 7?)... so many company offers he chose to be with a small company for a reason that might seem like a whim? Ever wondered why his social media posts gain so much traction? Why he trends so often? If you’ve felt like Jungkook is one of those people who just “gets it” that’s because of his natural intuitive abilities. At the cost of being hated on, I’ll say this: he’s not the best singer in the world. Yet, he makes magic with his voice every time. He is an average dancer. Yet, he commands the stage and holds attention like nobody’s business. That’s because Jungkook has always worked with energy without knowing that he did. That’s why a lot of his achievements seem almost effortless. Yes, he works really hard for everything, but so do a lot of other people. Jungkook has this innate quality of (almost) always making the right choices, being at the right place at the right time that, combined with his ability to work hard, creates these massive outcomes. He’s a super powerful clairsentient and although I’m not sure if he consciously he uses his gifts, subconsciously it has often rewarded him, and so far he hasn’t had to really think about it too much, because it’s a naturally-occurring habit for him. But now he has reached a threshold where he has to contemplate things. Needless to say, it’s outside his comfort zone and is making him VERY stressed. He’s at a juncture where he feels this strong pull towards a direction but is afraid to go there because it’s out of his comfort zone and as is the case with that, he is plagued with doubts, confusion, opposing logics, etc— all of which is keeping him stuck and stagnant like a deer caught in headlights.

What is the problem with staying in his comfort zone, you might ask, I mean it has worked for him so far. Generally speaking, there’s no problem. There is never a problem in this world nor is there any good or bad. It all depends on how we see things. That’s why one person’s curse turns out to be another’s blessing, and one’s trash another’s treasure. The problem here is that, Jungkook has done the unthinkable— he has started to have dreams and desires (lol sorry not sorry I like to be dramatic). For a while (maybe a year or so?) Jungkook has been in this place (mentally and emotionally) where he has been rethinking and reinventing his goals, plans etc for his future. He has lived quite a while with a certain idea of how his life is going to go and worked with that vision. But it was getting tiring and draining in a way he didn’t quite understand why, followed by something impactful that happened in his life— has made him question everything. He has been proverbially studying himself in the mirror and rediscovering his true self. This is literally changing everything about his life. His wants are changing, the things that make him happy (or sad) are changing, and he has been think A LOT about how he wants his life to look like from here on. He’s trying to manifest a life that he thinks will not just give him the usual, practical material comforts of life, but also make him happy and fulfilled from a soul-deep space. And as is the case with manifestations, the first thing you gotta do is make sure your mindset is aligned with what you’re desiring. This is where Jungkook is at right now. He knows what he wants, he is willing to put in the work that it takes, and has also been making plans and taking action... but wait a second. Just when he thought that it is time for him to reap the rewards of his actions, things seem to be going south for him. He is facing problems and obstacles in nearly all areas of his life, and this has him utterly confused because he thinks he has done everything right and yet, why is he not seeing results materialize yet? He’s growing tired of this journey and it’s even more confusing because on the one hand, he still feels like he has hope and that there’s a high possibility that things will go his way, yet on the other hand, what IS happening in reality is quite the opposite. He feels like he’s being pulled in 2 opposite directions and both have equally strong reasons to go towards. This is what is known as “the crossroads”.

The reason he is not seeing results is like I said, manifestations are ALL about the mindset. Point blank period. If you hold a pendulum suspending by the string, and just THINK about moving it without moving your hand at all, it starts moving. This is how pendulum readings work. This is a small yet telling exercise to show how our mindset literally controls all our actions. So without the right mindset, actions mean nothing because those actions are coming from a mindset that is not aligned with what you want to manifest. This is what is happening with Jungkook. He is making his plans and taking action, like he has been trying to have a healthy routine, eat clean, exercise, practice his skills, etc but he is doing all of this from an outdated mindset. It’s like building a house of cards over a slanted surface. No matter how carefully you stack the cards, they come crashing down because the foundation is not right. His plans are great, his efforts are sincere, but are based on a very limited mindset. He thinks, well I’ll do this and this and then I’ll do that and that and then... but something goes wrong, some plans backfire, some work related problems come up, financial setbacks happen, and he is back to square one again. Then he feels unmotivated and goes into depressive episodes and eventually picks himself up and tries again but the whole thing happens again. He is now tired and feels he has no fights left and also feels it’s all useless because the Universe seems to be working against him. But that’s not the case. The Universe is simply telling him that no matter how hard he tries (because that’s kinda Jungkook’s mindset right now: if it didn’t work, try harder and harder next time), nothing will come to fruition if the mindset at the base of it all changes. And the same cycle will continue.

This crossroad is an opportunity for him to level up, not at the action point, but at the mindset point. He has to switch from the “work hard, struggle, chase” mindset to the “attract effortlessly” mindset. Now, this is not something new for Jungkook. Like I said, he is a natural intuitive and has actually attracted most of the things in his life quite effortlessly if you consider the fact that he has achieved more at 23 than most people have in their entire lives. The “struggle” is showing up because it is a crossroad. So no matter how competent, accomplished, or karmically good or bad you consider yourself to be, everyone struggles at some point or the other, when it is time to level up. I mentioned earlier that he is a Clairsentient and his comfort zone is to live his life according to his feelings without giving much thought to them and for a very long time, it’s worked out just fine. But now it is time for him to step into the role of a Claircognizant and to give a voice to his feelings. The Universe has been pushing this role at him for a while now, which has manifested in his life into a lot of overthinking, which is the shadow side of claircognizance. It entails a very active mind so at the beginning stages of honing this skill, you tend to struggle with overthinking and your mind sort of being all over the place. Think of your mind as an out-of-control river which floods everything around, but when you train your mind, and make it follow a course, it becomes life-saving. Because in the raw form, any spiritual gift comes with a lot of sharp ends, Jungkook is resisting this gift. He is stressed from all the overthinking and feels lost and out of control. So he tends to go back to his comfort zone and work from his old mindset and keeps facing obstacles. Now you might think, wow, being a Clairsentient is no joke either, so why bother about being a Claircognizant? Like leave the boy alone jeez. But like I always say, the Universe gives us all free will. There is no forcing him. He has made this choice when he started asking for this new, improved, happier life. This is something he is trying to manifest and to do that, he needs to have the right resources. At this point in his life, even being a Clairsentient (which is still awesome) is a limiting existence for him. Jungkook is an old soul. It might be interesting for you to know that he is the oldest soul in all of BTS and he is an older soul than his parents and brother as well! However, his old soul combined with a young mind and the fact that he is the youngest person in both his family and his BTS family, wreaks havoc within him. He often finds himself in situations where he feels deeply and profoundly but cannot express the depth of his feelings externally. This manifests as a throat chakra blockage even though he has a very strong and developed throat chakra (the reason why he is so expressive when he sings and is very facially expressive when dancing and just generally very expressive when he creates social media content from a fun, good mood space). Like I said, it’s a limit. So far it wasn’t as necessary to address this. But as he ages and his life progresses, he misses this skill set. He thinks it’s about his vocabulary, but it really is just about putting a voice to his inner feelings. He could feel it strongly inside when something is right or wrong, but he can rarely tell you why. He’s a good judge but he’s a terrible lawyer lol. And it’s not even telling or convincing others, it’s about telling yourself— KNOWING what you feel and why. Now, in this whole period of dilemma, he is starting to doubt his old gifts as well. He is starting to doubt his feelings and the ability to tell the right from wrong through his feelings— because that’s what energetic stagnation feels like; it feels like degeneration of everything that is, unless you decide to build something new upon the decaying old.

This jump from Clairsentience to Claircognizance can also be likened to the jump from the 3rd eye chakra to the Crown Chakra. And I don’t mean chakras in the sense that exist and govern various activities in our bodies. I mean it in the sense of the journey of consciousness of the various aspects of our existence, from the Root to the Crown. A renowned spiritual teacher had once said that the journey from the Root to the 3rd Eye Chakra has paths and procedures, but the journey from the 3rd Eye to the Crown Chakra has no path, no process, no formula. It is based on faith and faith alone. It’s a blind jump off the cliff, “knowing” that you are safe. Up until the 3rd Eye, you might be connected, but you are still operating within limits, all of which are of course self-imposed. Jungkook is at this point where he is asked by the Universe to step into his limitlessness. I have discussed in his career reading that he is meant to do some really huge things in his lifetime, which is crazy considering he already has done pretty epic things. The phrase “chosen one” always comes to mind when I talk about Jungkook, but I’d like to clarify this phrase first. We generally tend to see this term as something that sets one apart from others, as if they are special and privileged. But know that the Divine never differentiates. Each and every human has been created exactly the same in terms of capabilities. So it all comes down to free will and personal choice of which path each of us chooses. The thing to know about Jungkook is that he is one of the most sincere people on earth— actually as far as I’ve observed THE most sincere. And before Armys comes for me, yes, all of BTS are sincere. But spiritually speaking, Jungkook is still more sincere not just compared to the rest of the members but the general collective as well. He is, at his core, a very purpose-driven person. He is the least matrix-controlled, for those who know these concepts. He can’t do things just for the sake of it. It’s important for him to have meaning and purpose behind everything he does. Sadly though, he has spent the past few years doing exactly the opposite. He has been stuck in a cycle of activities that don’t bring joy to his soul and this has been sucking the life force out of him and he has been feeling more and more drained and has developed escapist tendencies. But it’s not that he has been externally forced to do these things, at least not always. It’s more so a result of lack of consciousness on his part. He didn’t know he was doing these things. He did what he did believing that he was doing the right thing— earning money, paying bills, securing a materially comfortable life— you know, all of the matrix stuff. But like I said, he does not easily fit into the matrix. While a lot of people spend their entire lifetimes plugged into the matrix, Jungkook is the type to sense discomfort very quickly and want to escape. The reason being, as I said earlier, he is an old soul and has lived many lifetimes developing awareness and his spiritual growth. This is why in this lifetime, he is naturally a lot more evolved than most (or all) of the collective. But since we do not remember our past lives and only carry that “growth” in our DNA, it’s something that is inherent to him without him actually knowing about it— until recently. Jungkook has been undergoing his spiritual awakening, and has been developing consciousness bit by bit— breaking out of the matrix so to speak. It’s this reason that he is “chosen” to do what he is about to do. Not because he has been unfairly selected out of many others, but because he has made this choice for himself and been working sincerely over many lifetimes. For this reason, Jungkook tends to have very pure emotions, and by pure I don’t mean non-sexual (because there’s nothing impure about sexual feelings). By pure I mean raw, unadulterated. He has very heightened sensibilities and feels every emotion to their purest essence, gifting him with high Emotional Intelligence. Unfortunately, this is not always a good thing because uncontrolled, he often tends to overwhelm himself with his mixed bag of feelings and this also causes the aforementioned escapism tendencies. And this is one more reason why he should level up. Regulating and organizing his myriad emotions and giving them a shape, a course will help him channel these gifts into fulfilling his dreams and creating big things in life. There are many things he can do, like journaling, writing down his dreams, goals, plans and procedure on paper, create routines based on his goals, etc but I feel like he is past this stage and is probably stuck in the part where he is doing everything and sometimes he has his wins but these wins are not becoming stable, and he is still getting his tower moments from time to time. This should mean one thing— he has reached the last stage of this journey, which like I said, is the journey to the Crown Chakra— the state of complete faith.

When discussing the concept of complete faith, we often use terms like blind faith, unquestioning faith, etc and while these terms are not exactly wrong per se, they can create misunderstandings. The Divine has blessed us with the ability to think, question and judge, not for nothing. Is it possible to have blind faith? Of course, lots of people do. But it’s also POTENTIALLY harmful to have faith in anything without actually having a knowhow of it. It’s not necessary of course, but for those who reach that level of consciousness, it is not just important, but absolutely essential to know the ins and outs and still have faith. I say it is more difficult to have complete faith with your eyes open than to have blind faith. Claircognizance at its best, is just that. While so far, your gut feeling has served you well and led you this close to the Divine, it is now time to employ your mind to catch up with your gut feeling and make sense of it all. While you learnt to open your eyes to the truth up until now, it is time to learn to keep your eyes open without blinking again and defend and embody the truth with your whole existence. This is literally the riskiest gamble. Like I said, jumping off the cliff. And that’s what Jungkook is being asked to do. So far he has been getting clarity about himself, his life and his path forward and treading cautiously with his small efforts and small wins, it is time for him to take the big leap forward. But the question of course is, how? And to where? While the details of this answer are with Jungkook, it has to start with releasing his limiting mindset. Have you ever noticed that whenever we have limited beliefs about something, either money or love or peace, the underlying belief is always that “I am limited”, “I have limited abilities”, “I have limited resources” etc. Meaning, any limits that we place on our external lives are actually limits that we think WE have. Money exists in this world, but I think I am limited in my potential to earn money. Love exists in this world, but I think I am limited in my potential to find love. You get the point. We actually do not think resources are limited, we think they are limited for us. Sometimes “us” means me as an individual, sometimes it means us as the entire population (cue: global warming, world peace, etc). Jungkook right now, is in the prime position to step out of this limited mindset into his unlimited potential. He has been operating from his limited mindset which is why his plans, no matter how well made, are failing. He has these big, beautiful dreams and has created this beautiful, peaceful life in his mind, but his old mindset is not aligned with this abundant life. The Universe has been nudging him in the direction of the mindset that he needs to adopt to align with his manifestations. I have written earlier somewhere that Jungkook thinks quite poorly of himself as a person and has self worth issues. In reality, he is the most sincere person Mother Earth has right now who has been working so hard for so long to reach this level of consciousness, it is safe to say no one else is as worthy as him to get everything that we wants. But by having these beliefs about himself, he is blocking the rewards that are meant to come to him. It’s like he has paid the price in advance, but is not accepting the delivery. Both because of being BTS’ golden youngest, Korea’s national pride, all the sweeping predictions about his future, and also his inner voice speaking to him, he is almost too aware of the great big things he is supposed to achieve, and although he does want them, a part of him is also scared and wants to run and hide and settle for something far less aka stay put in his comfort zone— all because of his limited mindset where he thinks he is not worthy of such things. And if you think you’re not worthy, obviously you’re going to think that it’s going to be an impossible task, which eventually either makes you take all the wrong actions, or not take action at all. This is why, no matter what his goals and plans, and no matter what actions he thinks of taking, he has to start with his mindset first. In fact, while manifesting, if I can tell you to do just one thing, it is to address the limits in your mindset. We’ve heard this many times and it sounds so simple but it really is the most, if not only, important step that matters. If the mindset is aligned with your goal, all actions will effortlessly flow towards that goal.

I feel like Jungkook has reached a level of self awareness and inner self dialogue where he is able to identify where his thoughts and emotions are going. He has definitely gotten a far better grip on his emotions than when I started this page, and contrary to what he thinks, his growth has been swift. It’s just that, we always expect a linear growth but that doesn’t happen with spirituality. And so every time he has a down time, he feels like he is back to square one. More so because Jungkook has such a perfectionistic and high achiever mentality. The reason why he seems to be going in a loop right now is because he has learnt and achieved everything that he has to with his current “limited” mindset. Hi future goals require him to grow out of that, not because his goals are something huge and difficult to achieve (because literally small and big are subjective both to humans and to the Universe) but because having a limitless mindset simply means to believe that I am worthy of achieving anything and everything I desire— without conditions. This is the mindset that Jungkook needs to work on adopting right now and everything else will smoothly flow from there. He needs to utilize the power of his mind— awareness, reasoning and self dialogue— to identify wherever he limits himself from believing his worthiness to achieve what he wants to have, and continue this practice until this new “I can f***ing have anything that I want” mindset is his default. Does it worry you that Jungkook will become an egotistical prick after that? Don’t worry, his soul has done enough work in the past to be grounded and humble through it all. This mindset is different from the ego-driven power-hungry mindset. Why? Because this power is the Source power. When we settle into our Crown Chakra consciousness aka Divine consciousness, we plug ourselves into the Source’s limitless creative power. The difference between ego-driven power and Source power is that while the former separates the individual from others, Source power recognizes the individual’s power as connected to and drawing from the Cosmos and therefore one we must give back to. It’s this constant cycle of giving and receiving in the Universe that makes Source power limitless, while the ego’s idea of power is one-sided and therefore finite.

Jungkook is kind of stuck in a place where, because he sees himself as limited, he looks to others to guide him, assure him, and provide him with the knowledge and direction that he needs. And that is because he has been disconnected from Source— not literally, but consciousness-wise. So far it wasn’t too bad, but now it is time for him to let go of the need for mediators and plug himself directly to the Source, i.e. work on his Crown Chakra. And as I mentioned earlier, it is as simple as just using your conscious mind to tell yourself, or more accurately, remind yourself, of your worth and your limitlessness. Jungkook feels like he needs someone to guide him, but he has forgotten that he has been prepared for the exact same task that he looks to another to do. Now this has a connection to his Twin Flame journey because his twin is at the same threshold, ready to level up to the same stage. The only slight difference is that she has already made her choice to level up to the new stage of limitless consciousness. And now it is up to Jungkook to make his. Do you what that means? It means a Union is on the horizon! After a long period of back and forth— one of them goes through a stage first then the other follows, and vice versa— they are finally going to be on the same page energetically, if Jungkook makes the choice. This is significant because Jungkook has been thinking that Union was something that was out of his control and he had nothing to do but to sit and wait, but all the while, it was a choice he had to make. Now, of course, this choice is not as simple as saying Yes or No. It’s a choice of consciousness— a consistent way of life that will, over time, upgrade and align their mindsets so they are both at the exact same stage. As twinflames, Jungkook and his DF are like the same person living in 2 different, alternate universes, with completely different lifestyles, work situations and challenges and the way they process these situations and challenges are similar, but not on the same page at the same time. They are soully same, yet because of their mortal forms being born and being raised in different environments, their ego-bodies have retained conditioning that make them different from each other in many ways, but as they shed their ego programming and connect more and more with their soul and with Source, they will be on the exact same page. This is when Union will occur. When they truly become one person in heart and mind. But this stage right now (i.e. before Union) is also the most challenging because this is where Separation truly happens. Physical separation is the least important aspect of the TF separation. This is where they are both on their own. They must individually find their faith aka go back to the Source, because without their connection to the Source, there is no TF connection; it becomes just another earthly connection riddled with alternating bouts of joy and sorrow, peace and pain. Usually in this journey, one twin is a more advanced journeyer than the other, who first “activates” the other i.e. leads them to their consciousness and guides them, usually energetically where when one twin crosses a stage, the other is literally pulled into that stage for them to cross. It’s like only one twin gets to make the choice and the other has no choice but to follow suit. This is also the reason why one twin feels more helpless and out of control. They are literally being yanked around by their twin’s energetic choices lol. But at this juncture, the guide twin has to leave the other twin’s hand, not because they don’t want to hold on, but because they can’t— they have nothing more to offer. This is where both twins get to make their choices individually. This stage is new for both of them and therefore they must individually cross this stage and meet at the other side. This is the period of ultimate spiritual growth, the after effect of which is blissful togetherness. But possible only if both twins make their choice to move forward.

 I’ll end this post with a message from Jungkook’s DF:

 Jeongguk,

I hope you’re holding up okay, partner, cuz I know I’m getting my ass kicked. Did you absolutely hate this journey? Because I didn’t. Just like you, I didn’t know what I signed up for either. I made a simple wish and this road has been bumpy but it has also had the most incredible views along the way. The way I have grown over these recent times compared to my whole entire life is crazy! I love who I have become and who I continue to become. And I believe you had a part to play in this. I know you don’t believe that so much. I know you battle with your own doubts, fears and insecurities, just like I battle with mine. You still measure your importance with how much you do for others. But maybe someday I can tell you how much you have done for me simply my existing as who you are. Because who you are will determine what you will always do, not just once or twice. And you have grown so much too! I have sensed that often. But unless we learn to recognize our growth, we don’t see it. But since I had VIP seating lol I got to watch you grow. Sometimes you resisted, sometimes you fought, sometimes you hoped, sometimes you held on to the faith when I was ready to give up, sometimes you were hurtful and challenged me to find within myself new depths of love and understanding. You made me cry, you made me laugh, you made me angry, you made me blush. But you never left. And I didn’t leave either. We tried though. Both of us. And failed. Repeatedly. It’s been frustrating and funny. How we thought we could get away and the Divine kept guiding us back to each other. You know, I think the problem is that we’re both helplessly curious idiots. Always wanting to know more, always wanting to move ahead. Obstacles never had a chance with us. We were always the introspective types, you and I, always looking to solve our problems, hungry for growth. As they say, careful what you wish for.

I am aware of your expectations of me, always was. But I had to hold back. I couldn’t do anything that I wasn’t fully ready to do. Right or wrong, I had to do as I felt guided to do— it’s my sovereign right. I guess because deep down I knew that you would understand. Of all people, you would understand. And I was right, you did. You threw hands and made a mess often lol but you still did understand and patiently stuck around each time. I know it seems like I’ve been running further and further away from you, but I have actually been getting closer to you. Spiritually. I guess soon it’s going to be visible as well. Now there is this stage. It feels like a strange place to be in right now. Good strange. I know you are scared and doubtful and expect me to assure you that everything will be alright. How can I? I am scared and doubtful too. Every day, I am in these juxtaposed energies of faith and doubt, sorting through them like... one moment I am super believing, another moment I’m all nope can’t do.

I know you want me to say that I love you and that I always will, and to promise that if we take this journey, I will be there waiting for you. And I want to. I really REALLY want to make these promises to you. But in the past I have been in situations where these promises were made and then conveniently forgotten later. I’m trying not to let my past control my present or future but I have also learnt that words can be forgotten, but intentions are forever. And that is what I want to say to you: I have the intention. I intend to make this work. When the time is right, I intend to give this my best shot. Tbh, I feel like I have been giving this my best shot for a while now, but maybe we don’t agree on that lol. And I also want to tell you that I’ve never felt about anyone else what I feel about you and I don’t think anyone else can ever take your place in my life. What that means exactly I don’t know yet.

The reason why I tell you neither what to do nor what not to do is because I don’t want to control your life. I know you me to show some ownership on you, and you on me, but believe me, you’ll hate it there. I’ve been there suffocating and it’s the most beautiful feeling to make your own mistakes, learn your own lessons, and watch yourself become your own artwork masterpiece and I don’t want to take away that experience from you. This is not my apathy. This is my gift to you. Also, yes I’m a pretty generous and just generally amazing person lol but do you really think I write pages after pages for just anyone and for no reason? Put two and two together silly.

You doubt your worth so much and since I do that too, I know how that works and won’t hold that against you, but it seems like now you have no choice but to see your worth. You must know, that I’m leaving you alone only because I’m confident you’ll find your own way. I’ll admit, I haven’t always been confident in you. Maybe I will falter again. But don’t you see, that’s the point? I will never be fully confident in you until you are confident in yourself. The more you doubt, the more I doubt too. But I’ve been observing you for a long time now and it’s just so hard to not trust you. Even with all the doubts and apprehensions constantly attacking me from all directions, I keep going back to you. I really hope my gut feeling about you is right or I’ve just made a big booboo lol. The funny thing is, I don’t care as much now. It’s almost like, fine, if anything, this will go down in my history as a wonderful, fun mistake and I don’t think I will ever regret it because in this moment I’m doing what I want to do— either it leads to a reward or a lesson, both are welcome. I have never been THIS vulnerable in my life like I hear myself say these things and I sound so crazy and stupid lol I’m so not my sassy and smartassy self right now.

As I was saying, I really do believe you’ll find your way. I don’t even know what that way is, or what your problems are, but I know you will solve them all. I’ll just be here, solving mine. How do I know for sure we can solve all problems? Because each one of the 7 billion people can. The only reason they don’t is that they don’t have a strong enough reason to push themselves to do that. Do we have a strong enough reason? How much do our dreams mean to us? For me, I have had this picture painted of this perfect life for a while. And yes, it has you in it. Very prominently. In my mind, it’s this beautifully balanced, harmonious, vibrant relationship with a forever after. And I don’t want to ruin that picture for short term hedonism. So I really believe, if our reason is strong enough, if this means that much to us, no obstacle can limit us from getting what we want. You’re not the only one who goes after what he wants and never gives up. I’m somewhat of that breed too. It’s just that this has clearly been a journey and it has brought some wild surprises along the way. I’ve struggled but now I’m learning to accept anything that comes with it. If the road leads me to my destination I don’t care how bumpy it is. It’s literally up to you right now. And I promise, it’s not even that difficult when you let go of resistance. All you have to do is consistently believe that you have limitless power to achieve anything you want and to create your reality the way you want it. I know it’s been a struggle and it feels like just the opposite, but it’s been that way because believe it or not, YOU have had these limiting beliefs about yourself and what you can create. I also know it’s been a long road and you’re tired, but it’s safe to drop the defences now. You might feel like certain situations or certain people are out of your control and how could you ever have things work your way, but it’s all in the mindset. The moment you reset your mindset and stick with it, you will see your reality change. In any situation, do not focus on the external events— they are simply the results of your previous mindset. Rather, ask yourself, what limiting thoughts and beliefs you have in your mindset right now and proceed to change them. I promise to you, people and situations will change to suit your needs, without ever having to deal with anyone. All this WILL happen, so don’t give up until they do. Twinflame, soulmate, karmic, friends, partners, colleagues— everyone will adjust according to your needs when YOU step into your limitlessness. Remember, it’s not just you who are tied to your karmics, they are tied to you too. An attachment exists from both sides. You don’t have to worry over the other person severing the tie, it’s enough if you let go of your end. Ask yourself, what are the common energies I share with my karmic? Identify these energies, heal the underlying trauma and ascend from them. This automatically ends your karmic contract and your karmic is free from you as well, no matter what their status is. The reason your karmics exist is because deep in your mindset you still believe that that’s your place and that’s what you’re worthy of— it’s part of the comfort zone you’re still stuck in.

I wish you well, my favorite human, I really hope I find you at the end of this journey. I want everything that you want. There are so many shared dreams and goals that we have— I will tell you all about my dreams one day. Until then I need to live some of these on my own, go on a little solo adventure, while I let you go on yours. And when it’s over and we’re ready (and no we’re not ready right now no matter how much you try to convince me lol) I promise I will see you again. When and how, I have no idea, but I’m happy to leave that to however the Divine guides us. I promise I’ll never forget you because I literally can’t. Love you!

[theladyscarlettt]

Petals (pt.1)

*I have returned and I bring with me a Bucky x Reader mini series. This takes place during #TFATWS. Also, this is a bit lighter (yet darker) than my regular stuff. Not fluff but sweet because god knows Bucky deserves to be happy every now and then. Also, this does have references to the X-Men comics and WandaVision*

-The Lady Scarlettt

Synopsis: Madripoor had everything you needed to forget your past, and everything you needed to lose your future. 

Part Warnings: suggestive scenes, language, mentions of mutilation

---

Sunlight caught the blinds in a dance of shadows. Her eyes twitched with the familiar warmth of the morning star across her face. She slowly opened her eyes taking in the sight of their small room. It was bland and empty, just like their luck in finding Karli. (For a girl to be everywhere, she was also nowhere.) 

A grunt came from across the room, she sat up in the stiff bed to find Bucky lying on the floor with a blanket barely clinging to his sweaty body. She let out a soft sigh and rubbed her eyes. While he was capable of so much, she found it heartbreaking he had so little, it broke her to see him robbed of even the simplest of things such as rest and a bed. She pulled on his black tee shirt from the night before and snuck over to sit beside him. She watched as his eyes darted side to side behind his dark eye lids. If he didn’t sleep well before, he surely didn’t now with the constant traveling, search for Karli, run in with America’s Next Top Asshole and the literal cause of his night terrors in the next room. 

“Did you know it’s considered an invasion of privacy to watch someone while they’re asleep.” Bucky grumbled, his eyes still closed.

“Good thing you weren’t asleep then.” she stated.

A slight smirk tugged on his lips, “Did you sleep well?”

“I would have slept better if my pillow didn’t wonder off in the middle of the night.” she teased.

He opened one eye to look up at her, “Sorry.”

She only smiled sweetly, her hand finding its way to his stubbled cheek. “You really need a razor.” 

He grabbed her wrist pulling her down to him, and began to nuzzle her neck with his chin.

She gagged at the sensation, “Ugh- for an old man you really behave like a child- hey!” In one swift motion he was on top of her tickling her neck.

“Stop. Stop it.” She hissed as she playfully swat at him to get off her. He chuckled and leaned back still, straddling her waist. 

“You have so much energy in the mornings for literally no reason,” she groaned, rubbing her lightly burned skin. 

He leaned down to her, a smirk on his lips, “I can come up with a few, if you’d like.” 

She rolled her eyes, even though her cheeks began to flush, “Knock it off.”

He made a tch sound with his teeth, and sat back up.

She smiled and sat up on her knees, her hands clasping behind his neck, a finger twirling the slightly grown out hair. He leaned into her, looking up at her from where he sat, a sad expression came across his face. 

“What is it?” she asked, rubbing her nails lazily through his thick hair.

“I just,” he sighed trying to find his words, “I want to stay with you, but I just can’t make myself. I’m afraid of what I might do, if I stay too long.”

She tilted her head, searching his eyes, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I don’t want to have an episode at night and lash out. Sometimes they feel so real and I get can’t control myself and the last thing I want to do is hurt you and-”

“Hey, Hey, Hey” she interrupted, “Look at me.” She lifted his face up to hers, “Look at me, you could never do anything to hurt me. I know you don’t trust yourself sometimes, but I trust you and I know you. I’m not afraid of the ‘what if’s.” Please, hear me when I say, I want you to let me in, I want to be apart of this, all of it. I want to help you Bucky, but I can only go as far as you’ll let me. And if it takes time, ok but it’s going to take more than a nightmare to make me go anywhere. Ok?”

He stared at her for a long time, a blank expression on his face. She couldn’t tell if she had overstimulated him with her cheesiness or he simply was dead. 

“Bucky? If I’m overstepping, I understand-”

He abruptly wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her small figure to his. She melted into his touch, just as she had the first time he held her. They stayed like that for awhile until she heard him whisper.

“I love you.”

She smiled against his cool skin, “I love you too.”

He brought her face up to meet his and kissed her softly. His lips were always so soft and warm, something you wouldn’t expect. His thumb made tiny circles along her jaw, as she kissed him back. His hand slowly snaked their way down to her thigh where he pulled her onto his lap. She subconsciously, wrapped her legs around his waist and arched her back pulling him upward slightly. He held her thigh with one hand and reclined back with the metal one, smiling into her touch. She pushed forward as he pushed back, every kiss becoming more passionate than the last. She pulled at his hair, causing a longing moan to escape from his lips, exposing his neck. She began to place light kisses along side his neck, his breathing became deep as he massaged her thigh in return.  

He flipped over, now pressing her back against the ground, topping her. He kissed her back deeply, his tongue becoming well acquainted with her mouth. One hand began to find its way in between her thighs. 

Her eyes snapped open, “James.” She grabbed his hand, “It is 4 in the morning.” She hissed.

“HELL YEAH IT’S 4 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING!” Sam blurted out from the next room.

Bucky buckled forward burrowing his head in her neck holding back his horror.

“Shit,” Her face became the next 50 shades of red, as she covered her mouth with her hand to prevent a wave of uncomfortable laughter.

“HERE I THOUGHT AT 11pm I WOULD GET MY BEAUTY SLEEP BUT NOOOO. IF I HEAR THAT DAMN SHIT AGAIN I WILL COME IN THERE AND BEAT BOTH OF YALL’S NASTY ASSES.”

There was a moment of silence as the two looked between each other with mischievous smiles. He rolled his eyes and licked his lips knowingly. She let out a staged moan loud enough to be heard from outside.

“Fuck. Y/N.” Bucky grunted, his face tinted trying to remain collected. She covered her face with her hands moaning back at him.

Seeing her smile only made Bucky ham it up more as he began slapping his hand on the floor to create more of a scene to which she erupted in a fit of choked laughter. Sam yelled something from the other room about Jesus Christ and Sin. Bucky stood up with that smug look on his face, as he did whenever he won at annoying Sam Wilson. He gave her his hand and hauled her off the ground with barely any effort.

She finally settled down from laughing and looked at him, “I think we should do that more often.”

“What? Piss off bird boy or have sex?” He asked.

She grinned, “Can it not be both?”

Bucky made a face as if he was scheduling the next when and where.

She gave him a light slap, “Now don’t get cocky about it. Also, you stink. Go take a shower.”

He looked at her offended then gave a sly look, “Or we could ta-“

“No” she snapped like a mother to her child, “Get.”

He held up his hands up in defense, “Alright, Alright, but I’m going to need my shirt back.”

She groaned and peeled off the shirt and tossed it at his face. He pulled the shirt down and gave her a once over, “I like that color” he said inspecting her black laced undergarments.

“Good Lord, Go.” she shoved him towards the bathroom. He chuckled at her and whipped the shirt over his shoulder, sending her a cocky grin as he left the room.

Once the door closed behind him, she let out a sigh and sat on the edge of the bed. A wave of depression washed over her as she longed for the day they could just stay in bed and not battle some end of the world threat. She looked to the blanket on the floor where he slept the night before. He deserved so much more than this. They deserved so much more than this.

She couldn’t lie, after the blip the thought of going off grid looked truly appealing. With Nat, Tony, Vision, Bruce, Wanda, Thor, and Steve gone, the Avengers felt more like a club then an actual organization. While she had always been closer to Sam, Bucky and Steve the hole left behind by the others made it too hard to go on some days. What was the point? Every time something was fixed something worse happened. And they never were thanked properly, only ridiculed by what should have been done, because everyone always expected them to be heroes; yet they never saw they were also human. The only reason she stayed was for Sam and Bucky, they had become her family, especially after Steve’s passing, who was like a father figure to her.

She pushed away the memories that came rushing in. She could not allow herself to get emotional, their job here needed her full attention. She stood and changed into her suit and left the room. 

Zemo was reclined on a sofa, drinking a cup of tea. When she entered he gave her a solemn nod. She cringed slightly, the anger at what he did to Bucky and T’Challa creeping back in.

“You’re up early.” She stated flatly.

“Hard to sleep with all the noise.” He shot her a look. “I can start you a kettle if you’d like.”

“Sorry, and no thanks, I got it.” She said. Grabbing a kettle and filling it with water.

Zemo stood, “Do you mind? I’ve read of your powers but never have I seen them.”

She shifted on her feet, “Well, sure but it won’t be a firework show or anything like that. It’s still a new thing to me and I can’t really do much.”

“Can’t? Or won’t?” Zemo asked, approaching her, finding a spot at the bar.

She looked at him as to say something but decided against it. She looked back to the kettle and placed her hands along the side. Zemo watched her every move; observing, analyzing. 

She took a deep breath in and reached for a part in her to attract the sensation she feels around her. The kettle began to warm and in a minute it was boiling.

“Fascinating” Zemo whispered, his eyebrows scrunched in concentration.

She poured the steaming hot water into a cup and placed two teabags in it. “See, nothing special.”

Zemo looked at her as if she had said something absurd. “You have a gift.” He countered.

“Feels more like a curse.” She scoffed.

“When did this begin?” He asked.

“I don’t know, I feel like I’ve always had these... these abilities but it wasn’t until after the blip did I truly began to use them.”

“Fascinating.” Zemo repeated.

She pursed her lips, while she loathed everything about Zemo, she couldn’t lie having someone appreciate her abilities felt nice. She normally just felt like a freak, too afraid to show too much emotion, in fear she might lose control.

“Can I have you try something?” Zemo requested.

She scoffed, “Sorry, I don’t feel like playing lab rat today.”

Zemo made a face, “I understand your negative emotions towards me, but to say I have had failures in this field would be an incorrect accusation.”

She rolled her eyes, “Fine. What?”

He leapt off his seat, seemingly excited to play mad scientist again. He fetched a candle from the table and sat it infront of her. She cocked an eyebrow.

“Light it.” He said, gesturing to the wick.

“I- I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Light it.” He repeated, pushing the candle towards her.

She reached to touch the wick but he slapped her hand away.

“Hey!” She blurted out, glaring at him.

“Without touch.” He said calmly.

She looked at him then back to the candle, frustrated.

“Focus on what you wish for it to be, what it will look like, how it will feel.” Zemo coached.

She shifted on her feet again, finding a more comfortable stance. She focused on her breath and stared at the wick.

“Breath in, and when you breath out try to push your energy at it.” Zemo said.

She closed her eyes feeling a tingling sensation around her, she inhaled slowly, feeling the sensation grow. She opened her eyes and focused the sensation onto her target. She heard a crackle sound, as if a fire was trying to start. She looked to Zemo wide eyed, he never looked up.

“Again.” He said, staring at the wick.

She shifted and this time held out her hand. She took a deep breath and this time flicked her hand at the wick on the exhale, a flame consumed the wick and began to slowly burn. She gasped.

“Beautiful.” Zemo smiled.

“Well shit,” a voice was heard. They looked over to see Sam propped alongside a wall. “You got sparkly fingers, Y/N.”

She laughed, delighted in herself, “Did you see it?”

“I saw it.” He smiled.

She looked to Zemo, “How? How did that happen?”

Zemo held out his hand and she reluctantly lended him hers. He flipped her palm up and traced a distinct ‘M’ she never noticed before, with his finger. “You are a mutant. You were born with this gift and just now have discovered it.”

“A mutant.” She echoed. “How do you know?”

“All mutants have the symbol ‘M’ mapped on their palm. Each with a unique ability. Your friend Wanda, she is a mutant as well.”

“There’s more?” She gasped looking at Sam.

“Many more, we walk beside them each day, yet we do not know it.” Zemo said.

She looked back to Zemo, suddenly desperate for knowledge. She knew she had these powers but half the time she felt it was all coincidence, and was honestly too afraid to attempt to use them. Knowing what happened to Wanda.

“I want to know everything, please tell me what you know.” She said.

“Woah, woah. Look, the magic trick was impressive but I don’t think you should be getting your information from him, Y/N.” Sam said walking towards her.

“Sam, he’s the only one I’ve ever met, who knows about this stuff, besides Wanda and I don’t even know where she is.” She protested.

“I assure you I do not intend to mislead-“ Zemo started.

Sam pointed at him, “No. You do not get to say that after all you’ve done. The only thing you do is mislead. Hell, you’ve probably already done something to sabotage the mission.”

“You think so little of me, Sam.” Zemo pouted.

“Yeah, I do and for good reason.” Sam stated.

“Sam,” Y/N started.

“Y/N! Sam!” Bucky’s voice echoed throughout the small apartment.

The two took off in the direction of the noise immediately. They came into the room to find Bucky staring out the window.

“What is it?” Y/N asked, coming to stand beside Bucky. She looked out the window, her eyes widening in horror.

“My god.” Sam uttered.

Outside the window was a some kind of mutilated animal strung upside down. Blood dripped menacingly to the ground below. 

“What does it mean?” Sam asked.

“It’s an invitation.” A voice said. The three turned around to find Zemo.

“The Power Broker requests our presence.”

Link to Petals (pt. 2)