#you aren’t gonna find anyone wishing death on el or anyone in the party here quite frankly

[chirpsythismorning]

Milkvans on Twitter < 48 hrs ago: Byler stans HATE El, they just pretend they don’t. At least us milkvans are honest about hating Will.

New tumblr account < 2 hrs ago: El is useless and she should die. Also Will has powers.

[elsanna-shenanigans]

August Contest Submission #13: Icy Justice And Poisonous Roses

Words: ca. 4,500 Setting: Modern AU (Superheroes) Lemon: No CW: graphic violence, mentioned character death, trauma, acid burns, enemies to lovers, poisons

Elsa wasn’t a fan of these formal gatherings. Not that she didn’t enjoy a good party or enjoy dressing up, but mainly because of the sorts of people that were usually in attendance. People who cared more about the money in their pockets than the betterment of others.

Still, Elsa was the most eligible woman in the city and probably the richest woman in this room, so she had to keep up appearances, lest people suspect what she did in the hours she wasn’t running her company or attending gatherings such as this.

She stood by the window, gazing down at Arendelle City, wondering if she was doing enough for this city. Granted, things had gotten better, police reforms, elimination of the more corrupt members of the city’s elite, but still there was suffering in the streets and for every supervillain locked away, someone more powerful and dangerous likely took their place.

It was a long war, a war that Elsa often wondered the point of fighting for. But then she remembered her parents, of the man who had taken them from her, the pain that had caused her, pain that had awoken the power within her.

“Enjoying the view?” a voice spoke to Elsa.

Elsa turned around, seeing an acquaintance of hers, Hans Westerguard, walk over to her, offering her a glass of champagne. She should have been talking to him more tonight, what with this being the fundraiser for his mayoral campaign and Elsa being a major donor.

Hans wasn’t exactly a perfect individual, but considering he was running against candidates that were a mob boss who posed as a philanthropist and a businesswoman who Elsa knew had been supplying tech and resources to supervillains, he was the lesser of three evils.

He had a good sense of justice about him, being the current district attorney. Though, Elsa had hoped he could do more with his position. She hoped that by donating so much to his campaign, she might be able to sway him to enact more progressive policies once he was in office.

Though of course, he had to get into office first.

“Oh, Hans,” Elsa replied, fiddling with her braid and blushing a little. She was good at putting on a shy, flustered dork act, a deliberate act to play up her more casual nature in her secret identity. “I didn’t see you there.”

“You seemed to be staring off into space there,” Hans remarked. “Care for a drink?”

“No, I’m driving myself home tonight,” Elsa responded.

“Really?” Hans remarked. “I’d have figured you’d have gotten your butler to handle it.”

“Kai has the night off, visiting some old girlfriend of his,” Elsa explained. Kai had been working himself too hard down in Elsa’s hideout of late, so she’d given him the night off.

“Fair enough,” Hans admitted, walking up beside her. “So… what do you suspect my chances are?”

“Of what?”

“Winning the election.”

“Oh,” Elsa said. “Well, the election isn’t for another month or so Hans. There’s still plenty of time to go.”

“Yes, but as you’re my largest donor, you must have a lot of faith in me,” Hans stated, looking smugly.

Elsa rolled her eyes. She had to at least humour the man. “Well, since you asked so nicely… I think you’re the city’s best chance. You’ve actually got policies that seem to be what the city needs. The others just want to uphold the status quo that has caused so many innocent people to suffer.”

“Why thank you.” Hans said, sipping his drink “Though I think an endorsement from that wonderful hero Fenris would probably seal the deal for me in this election.”

Elsa chuckled. “I don’t think superheroes are meant to give that sort of political statement.”

“True, but she’s done more good for this city in the last three years than anyone else… well except…” The two of them then saw a woman with short dark hair and wearing a rather snazzy tuxedo walking towards them. Though she didn’t exactly look very comfortable here.

“Commissioner Espinosa, good to see you here!”

“Westergard,” the commissioner replied flatly.

Elsa smiled. Cassandra Espinosa was one of Elsa’s closest friends, one of the few people she shared her secret with. Despite Cassandra being a policewoman, she was actually living up to what a police officer should be, not someone who gleefully enacted brutality on innocent people, values much more like those of her father, the previous commissioner.

“Enjoying the party?” Hans wondered. “You must not get a chance like this often other than maybe the annual policeman’s ball.”

“To tell you the truth, I’m only here because we got a tip earlier that someone might be targeting you tonight,” Cass stated. “You have pretty lax security here.”

“Cass, I’ve helped to put away some of the nastiest criminals in this city, I’ve learned to live with people wanting to kill me. One more threat against my life isn’t going to change that.”

“Mr Westerguard?” someone called to him from the crowd. “The governor wants to talk to you!”

“Oh, excellent,” Hans replied. “Ladies, if you’ll excuse me.”

As Hans left, Elsa and Cassandra stood alone, Cass leaning against the wall and sighing. Elsa leaned close to her, wanting to give her friend some reassurance.

“Good man, but I wish he’d look out for himself more,” she remarked. “Anything on your end, Els?”

“Not exactly,” Elsa admitted. “I’m starting to think tonight might be a quiet night for once.” She smirked playfully. “At least you got to wear your tux again.”

“Yeah well, take a look while it lasts,” Cass grumbled.

“I know my cousin would,” Elsa remarked. “Surprised Raps isn’t with you tonight.”

“Yeah well, after what happened the last time I took her out,” Cass remarked. “I figured it best she stayed at home.”

Elsa sighed. Cassandra was dating her cousin and childhood best friend Rapunzel. A few months back, while the two were on a date, a sniper hired by a mob boss had tried to assassinate Cassandra. They’d failed, but Rapunzel had been gravely injured. Elsa didn’t blame her for wanting to keep her cousin safe.

“Still, aren’t you two planning to tie the knot soon?” Elsa wondered. “You’ve been together long enough.”

“I… I don’t know,” Cass admitted. “It’s hard finding a good balance between her and my work. I’m worried marriage might… complicate things.”

“I know how you feel,” Elsa replied. “It’s why I’ve honestly never had much luck with relationships myself.” That was a lie. There was one woman in the world she still loved… though she was partly ashamed to admit it, even to Cassandra.

Suddenly, the entire building started to shake. Elsa thought there was an earthquake and quickly grabbed onto something. There was panic and commotion across the ballroom, Cassandra grabbing onto a nearby wall for support. Screams and cries filled the room.

“What the fuck is going on?!” Cass shouted.

Elsa tried to reach for her watch, but she found there was no need to, as she then saw several large vines rising up from the side of the building pressing against the windows. She gasped, looking straight at Cass in terror as a dark shadow overwhelmed them.

“CASS LOOK OUT!” Elsa shouted, tackling Cass to the ground as the vine crashed through the window.

All across the ballroom, there was utter chaos as the gigantic vines smashed into the room, knocking people over left and right, firmly entrenching themselves into the walls of the building.

In the middle of the room, the largest of the gigantic vines smashed through the window, a gigantic flower at its tip. As it stopped in its tracks, the large flower burst open, releasing a gas that caused all those around it to cough and splutter. Through the smoke, a figure emerged from the blooming pink flower, a rather revealing woman in a skintight pink and purple outfit with green highlights and long red hair.

“Rosethorn,” Cass whispered.

Elsa blushed and looked away. Anna… why now…

“You gonna deal with her?” Cass wondered.

Nodding reluctantly, Elsa looked at Cass. “Try and keep her distracted, but don’t hurt her too bad… she’s still my sister.”

“Elsa, she’s trying to kill people!” Cass argued in a hushed whisper.

“I can see that but she’s still family!” Elsa rasped.

Cass grumbled. “You know if she was my sister, I wouldn’t hesitate but fine, I’ll make sure I won’t do any permanent damage to her.”

“Thank you,” Elsa said gratefully, before she quickly ran out of the room, Cass pulling her pistol from her pocket.

Elsa rushed out of the bathroom, making her way through the panicking, scared crowds. As she arrived in the room, she looked at herself in the mirror, making sure she was alone.

To think that tonight she’d have to face her sister again. The two sisters had always been close as children, virtually inseparable. But that all had changed one fateful night. Her wealthy parents had taken Elsa out to see a movie, but Anna had to stay home and do her homework.

Anna had been spared in a way, as on their way home from the movies, Elsa and her parents were attacked by a mugger. The mugger had killed their parents without a second thought, gunning them down. In a rage… something had awoken inside of Elsa, a power that no other human had.

As she got older, she learned how to control this power, a power to manipulate ice and snow to her whim. She soon discovered that some people had the rare chance of being born with such powers, people who were later dubbed Metahumans. While Elsa’s had been the power to control ice, Anna’s power was somewhat different.

A few months after the funeral, Elsa had discovered Anna’s powers had awakened as well, the power to control plants and other forms of vegetation. As elated as Anna was at using her new powers, Elsa was worried about her, about them both. At this time, Elsa had decided to hone her powers and train herself in the arts of combat and science so she might one day fight to protect the innocent people of Arendelle City, so that no other child would go through what she and Anna had.

Anna on the other hand… was a different story. Her plant-based powers had made her infatuated with nature. At first, Elsa was glad that Anna was using her love for nature to cope with her parents’ grief. But as they got older, Anna started to get more involved in environmental work.

More than once, Elsa had to bail Anna out of jail for getting involved in protests and the like. She worried Anna was going down a dark path. Yes, protecting the environment was a noble goal… but Anna seemed obsessed. And then one night, Elsa’s worst fears were confirmed when she found Anna attempting to strangle the CEO of one of her business partners.

“Anna let him go!”

“No, he has to pay! All their kind have to pay! They’re choking the planet to death, Elsa, and no one is doing a damn thing about it!”

“And that justifies you being a murderer?!”

“Why do you care? I thought you’d be happy seeing scum like this die, after what happened to our parents!”

“What?! Anna, No!”

And then Anna had used her vine to snap the man’s neck. A fight broke out between them, Elsa blasting Anna with her ice powers… and leaving a permanent mark in the form of a white streak in her hair. Elsa looked down, wondering when this nightmare would end.

She loved Anna, she always had… but at this point she had to accept that her sister was truly dead, replaced by a monster that now called herself Rosethorn.

Pressing a button on her watch, Elsa watched it transform into a device that released dozens of tiny nanobots that she then rearranged and merged with her ice, forming a wolf-themed armour and long cape that completed concealed her body, the symbol of her alter ego, Fenris appearing on her chest.

Elsa looked at her masked face in the mirror, glaring sternly. “This will be the last friend of mine you hurt, Anna. I swear it.”

———————————————————————————-

Anna grinned wickedly as she sat on her throne of vines as her large tendrils wrapped themselves around the building, bursting through the windows of the ballroom. She watched as the pitiful humans ran in fear, taking a certain delight in what was happening.

Rich fools. Their kind loved to pollute and terrorise the environment, now they would know what it was like to be terrorised. The large pods on the side of the vine that Anna was riding on burst open, releasing toxic gas into the room that caused those surrounding the tendril to cough and splutter.

But while watching the humans suffer was delightful, she had a more important goal in mind, one of these pathetic fools in particular. Hans Westerguard was running for his life, trying to make it to a nearby door. However, Anna sent one of her vines forward, blocking his path.

"Now where are you off to, Mr Westerguard?” Anna sultrily remarked, getting off her throne. “We have important business to discuss.”

Hans turned, realising he’d have to hold her off. “What do you want, Anna?”

“Why, my dear, you of course,” Anna said, stroking the underside of his chin with her gloved hand. “I’ve waited a long time for this.”

“Look, Anna, I know I’ve made mistakes, but this isn’t right?”

“Isn’t right?!” Anna yelled. “Oh, it is very much right, Mr Distrct Attourney. You lined your pockets with all the greedy fuckers in this town who destroy and pollute the earth around you, who tore up innocent grassland to build a Metahuman prison where I was tortured!”

“They were trying to help you!”

“Help me?! I don’t need help!” Anna growled, wrapping tendrils around his neck. “I’ve dedicated my life to protecting this planet and all of its natural beauty. If that’s so wrong, then I’d prefer not to be right.”

Hans choked and gagged, struggling to breathe. “Anna… Ack!”

“What’s that Hans? I can’t quite hear you over the innocent people you’ve stepped on!” Anna growled. Suddenly, she heard a loud gunshot. A bullet flew through the air and pierced one of the tendrils around Hans’s neck. Anna screamed, feeling the pain like it was one of her own limbs as Hans was freed.

Cassandra, along with a few other out of uniform police officers and security guards, had arrived, taking aim at Anna with their pistols. “Come quietly, Rosethorn!”

“You’d protect him, officers?!” Anna remarked. “Such a deplorable monster who would be better off locked up in jail?”

“Look who’s talking, red,” Cass growled. “Put down the tentacles and I promise you, you won’t get hurt.”

“Dear, dear commissioner,” Anna chuckled. “I have no intention of doing anything of the sort. However

"Then, I’ll take you out as well!” Anna roared, sending another flurry of vines at the officers, the ends of the tendrils opening into mouths full of razor-sharp teeth.

The vines disarmed the other officers quickly, one of them literally disarming one man, spewing blood all over the ground from the severed limb. Not wanting to suffer the same fate, Cass quickly ducked out of the way, unloading a few bullets from her pistol into two of the vines.

However, she wasn’t fast enough, as a third quickly rushed up behind her. But Cass could be attacked by the vine, a blast of icy wind quickly froze the tentacles and a sharp sword made of a mix of ice and metal quickly slashed them apart. Fenris then stood, her wolf-like appearance and glowing blue visor making for an intimidating look.

“Ah, my dear arch enemy,” Anna said with a laugh. “Figured you’d be coming to the rescue of the oppressors.”

“The only person oppressing people is you, Rosethorn,” Fenris stated, pulling out her sword. She looked over at Hans, who was stumbling to his feet. “You alright, Mr Westerguard?”

“Fine, now that you’re here,” he groaned.

Rosethorn cackled. “I think it’s time I dealt with you first, my frozen foe. Let’s see if this will melt your icy armour!” She then sent out one of her tendrils behind Elsa, which shot out a glob of acid.

Hans’s eyes widened. “Look out!” He yelled, to which Elsa was barely able to react in time. Hans then leapt in the path of the glob of acid… and was struck in the face. He screamed and cried out in pain, writhing on the floor as the acid melted his face.

“Hans!” Fenris exclaimed, rushing to his side. She was almost sick at the sight of the injuries on Hans’s face.

“Oh well, I doubt he’ll be running for office anytime soon,” Anna remarked as she jumped onto one of her tendrils. “Time for me to make like a tree and leaf.”

Elsa turned to look at Anna, then she gazed down at Hans, who was still in agony. Cassandra rushed to Hans’s side, looking up at her.

“Go after her, I’ll take care of Hans and the wounded,” she reassured her.

“Thank you,” Elsa replied, before she then got up and rushed after Anna, the latter’s tentacles retracting from the building and coalescing into some kind of gigantic tentacled plant creature that leapt across the rooftops. Elsa stared at the Lovecraftian horror that Anna was controlling, wondering how powerful Anna was now.

Leaping from the window, Elsa used her ice powers to alter the shape of her cape into a pair of icy wings and activated jet boosters in her boots that sent her flying through the sky after Anna. Summoning her ice sword, she slashed through one of the tentacles.

Anna cried out as her creature rocked about from the loss of one of its limbs. “Gah!!”

“Take this!” Elsa shouted, blasting the tentacled creature with her powers. The creature managed to dodge the attack and one of its tendrils wrapped around Elsa, throwing her down onto a nearby rooftop. Anna then leapt down from her creature, summoning blades made of thorns that she slashed at Elsa with.

Elsa brought out her ice sword again, clashing it against Anna’s blade. Anna summoned her tentacles again, trying to attack Elsa with them. Elsa turned around, quickly taking out all the tentacles with ice spikes that brought Anna to her knees with pain, as Elsa quickly blasted her tentacle creature apart with an icy blast.

Reeling from the pain, Anna then screamed in agony her eyes glowing a sickening green as a gigantic tendril burst from the ground beneath them, quickly wrapping around Elsa tightly. The blonde tried to fight, but this tendril’s grip was much tighter, Anna pouring all her strength into it.

“How about a little spin!” Anna cried out, commanding her tentacle to spin Elsa round and round as fast as it could, before launching her into the sky. Elsa screamed as she was flung across an entire city block. She eventually landed though, crashing into an abandoned building a few streets away, smashing through a window.

As she rolled on the floor in pain, Elsa grunted. “Damage report.”

“Nanosuit integrity at 65%,” her suits onboard computer reported. “Minor external and internal injuries, recommend evasive action.”

“No way,” Elsa argued. “Anna’s madness ends tonight one way or another.”

“Where are you?~” Anna called out in a sing-songy voice. Elsa grunted, and rushed into a nearby stairwell, cloaking her retreat with an icy mist. She headed down a nearby stairwell, panting heavily. She was still shaken up from the impact, but she needed to get away from Anna.

If she could lull Anna into a false sense of security, she could jump her and take her out easily. But of course, she needed the essence of surprise first. She looked in the corner of her eyes, watching Anna’s tentacles quickly rushing down the stairs. She ducked into another room to avoid them.

Using the technology in her mask, Elsa scanned the building around her. This was once an office building, which meant large open rooms, not many places to hide.

“Don’t think you can hide from me for long, ” she heard Anna’s voice again. “I’ll always find you, my dear sister.”

Elsa didn’t respond, merely continuing to scan the room. Eventually, she managed to find herself an air vent. It didn’t take much effort to freeze the grate and smash it apart so she could climb inside. Crawling up the vent, Elsa rested and panted. Anna likely wouldn’t be able to find her here.

“What’s the matter, Elsa?” Anna remarked. “Nothing to say to your dear sister?”

“My sister is dead!” Elsa shouted, crawling down the air vent.

“Yeah right, keep telling yourself that,” Anna told her. “You should be grateful I haven’t blown your secret identity by now.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“Because I still carry a torch for you, Elsa,” Anna argued. “Hell, part of me once hoped we could do this together, make the world pay for what it’s done. To itself… to us.”

“I’m not a killer,” Elsa replied, crawling further. She looked through her visor, seeing that Anna was directly in the room below her, vines surrounding her. She had the element of surprise now.

“Neither was Hans, yet he’s just as guilty as one, what with his connections and dirty money,” Anna argued. “No one in this world is innocent, Elsa.”

“Says the woman who just burned a man’s face off with acid!” Elsa argued, crashing through a nearby vent right behind Anna. She rushed up with her ice sword and slashed at Anna, razor-sharp thorns then extending from Anna’s gloves to act as Claws. The two sisters fought one another.

It was surprising how evenly matched they were. Elsa had trained herself to the physical peak, while Anna had enhanced her own strength and agility thanks to her many, many plant-based serums. However, in this particular round, Anna was able to get the upper hand, as her tentacles managed to knock Elsa back, smashing her mask apart. Before it could regenerate, Anna slashed Elsa’s face with her claws.

Elsa grunted as she clutched her cheek in pain, blood oozing from it. Her suit was much too damaged at this point to start regenerating itself, leaving her at Anna’s mercy.

“Don’t think of trying to move, Elsa,” Anna replied, walking closer to her. “My thorns were tipped with poison. Not strong enough to kill you, mind you, oh no, I don’t want to kill my beautiful sister. But it’ll make you as weak as a kitten.”

Tentacles wrapped around Elsa, restraining her to the floor. The tentacles pressed against Elsa’s face, forcing her to look up as Anna stood above her. Elsa felt her heart beating as she gazed at Anna. As she looked into Anna’s eyes, she was reminded of her sister.

How beautiful and sweet she was, how much she wanted to protect her and love her, more than a sister would. But that was a lifetime ago. And yet… part of her wanted this, a part of herself that ashamed Elsa. Anna leaned in, caressing Elsa’s cheek, bringing her face closer and closer.

“You want this, don’t you?” she whispered. “You can still be a hero with me, Elsa. Only you’ll be a hero who actually makes a difference instead of upholding the pathetic status quo.”

“I won’t become… a murderer!” Elsa spat, Anna retreating.

“Why are you so against killing?!” Anna shouted. “Just accept that for things to be right in the world, some people just have to die! The corrupt CEOs, the politicians who line their pockets with dirty money while they let corporations pollute the planet!”

“There are laws, Anna!” Elsa argued. “They can be held accountable for their crimes!”

“And how often does that happen?” Anna replied. “Sure, you’re making change, but it’s not fast enough. The planet is already choking to death and in order to save it, more… radical action must be taken.”

“You don’t think I don’t know that, Anna!” Elsa argued.

“Then why don’t you do something about it!” Anna shouted.

“Because…” Elsa stopped herself.

“Because what?”

Elsa looked down. She had never shared this with Anna, this secret she’d kept buried for all these years. But if she was going to die here… then she should die with Anna knowing how much she never wanted this, for either of them.

“Because… I know what it’s like to feel tempted to take such action,” Elsa replied. “Because I’ve…. I’ve killed before.”

“That’s a lie,” Anna argued. “You said it yourself that you aren’t a killer.”

“No, *that* was the lie,” Elsa insisted. “Do you… do you know what happened to the person who shot our parents, Anna?”

“He… He got away,” Anna said, her voice shaky. “You said the cops found no sign of him. It’s… It’s what started me down this path, of wanting to get my own sense of justice.”

“I… I lied to the police, Anna,” Elsa expressed. “That night, after that bastard shot our parents, something inside of me awoke, something powerful… I lashed out at the guy as he ran and I… I froze him solid and he shattered before my eyes, Anna. The moment I first used my powers… I killed someone.”

“I…” Anna was stunned by the revelation.

“I regretted it, I didn’t want to indulge in the anger that I felt that night,” Elsa expressed. “I didn’t want to become a mindless monster, a killer. I’d be no better than the man I killed, perpetuating an endless cycle of violence. That’s why I did my best to stop you going down that path.”

“And… I failed,” Anna realised, tearing up. “All this time… I thought you didn’t understand me, that you thought I was crazy… but in reality, you cared about me more than anyone.”

“I even pleaded against the rough torture you had in prison,” Elsa expressed. “They wouldn’t listen to me. Don’t you get it, Anna? I love you, more than anyone else in the world… but I can’t let you hurt anyone ever again.”

“I… I love you too,” Anna whispered. She started to cry more and with a flick of her wrist, her vines let Elsa go. “Please… just go.”

“Anna… I can’t go,” Elsa argued. “I need to bring you in.”

“No, I won’t go back to prison again!” Anna argued. “Why can’t anyone have seen that I was doing good… why didn’t you try and help me!” She broke down in tears and wrapped her arms around Elsa. Her villainous persona had completely broken and for the first time in years, Elsa saw her sister again.

Wrapping her arms around Anna, Elsa stroked her sister’s hair, listening to the sound of Anna’s shaky breathing as she held her. God, she hadn’t held Anna like this in… well she’d honestly forgotten it was so long. But to have Anna, her Anna, let her do this… it felt rewarding to her.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Anna whispered. “I’ve been such a fool… I’ve been going at this so wrong.”

“Shhhh,” Elsa whispered, going fully into her big sister mode. “Everything’s gonna be okay… I’m going to be right here, Anna, like I’ve always been.”

Anna pulled away and the two sisters gazed into each other’s eyes, holding one another close. Both of them felt gravity pulling them together, part of them knowing that they needed the other now. Yes, they had been enemies… but now, perhaps they were something different.

And then… Elsa and Anna leaned in and shared a tender, passionate kiss. Neither of them knew what was in for the two of them next, but at this moment, all they wanted was to be together, as they kept kissing in the light of the moon shimmering through a nearby window, tears streaming down both of their cheeks.

[zen3to5]

J/H 4-04: Hyde Goes Cruisin’

Okay, time for a page-one rewrite!

Some of you could probably guess that this episode would be on the list for a rewrite project like this. And I actually think it's been changed enough that the original title doesn't fit anymore. So, instead of "Hyde Gets the Girl," you have "Hyde Goes Cruisin'." We assume that 4-03, "Pinciotti vs. Forman," remains the same.

A few scenes here adapt material, not only from scenes cut from other rewritten scripts, but also the characters from the old That '70s Show website. My understanding is that those were treated as semi-official, so I figured they were fair game.

FF.Net AO3

---

SHOW TITLE   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   A slow afternoon. HYDE sits in his chair, ERIC sits on one end of the couch, and FEZ on the other. The boys are watching HOLLYWOOD SQUARES, though only Fez seems invested.   FEZ: Elke Sommer to block. Elke Sommer to block. (it doesn’t work) Oh, you stupid son of a bitch!   ERIC: (sighs) Donna loved Hollywood Squares.   HYDE: Ah, Forman. Come on, man. Give it a rest, huh? So you’re single now. That’s a good thing! Now you’re like me, man. You’re free to be with lots of subpar, somewhat sleazy chicks. It’s Christmas, baby!   FEZ: Oh, you disguise your heart, Hyde, but I know you need love.   HYDE: Why’s that?   FEZ: (beat) ‘Cause I need it.   ERIC: (to Hyde) No, he’s right, man. I mean, Donna and I might have broken up, but you liked Jackie and you never even had her. You’re telling me that doesn’t hurt?   HYDE: Come on, Forman. You didn’t think that was serious, did you? I was just settin’ up for the biggest burn ever on Kelso.   ERIC: You got them back together.   HYDE: (shrugs) Know when to fold ‘em, man. (stands) Now, hey – this Friday night, you’re coming out cruisin’ for chicks with me in the El Camino. Of course, if we meet anyone hot, I’m taking her, but I’m sure we can find you a girl just this side of gross.   He claps Eric on the shoulder and exits through the basement door.   ERIC: (to Fez) No. I don’t care what he says. That unholy little demon crush Hyde had on Jackie, that was real, and it hurts him that she’s back with Kelso. And just once, I wish we could catch him with his guard down about it, so we could make fun of him. We’d be all, “hey, Hyde...”   He gestures wildly, looking for the right insult.   ERIC (cont’d): “You really liked a girl and you blew it! Yeah, burn! Welcome to Hell!” (beat) Oh, God, I’m in Hell!   He throws his head back and moans as Fez turns back to the TV.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY   Early afternoon. Friday has come. KITTY sits at the kitchen table, going through one of many catalogues she has out. They all concern interior design.   RED enters from the living room, sees Kitty reading.   RED: What’s all this?   KITTY: Hmm? Oh, well, I’ve been taking so much work for the church home with me, I’m thinking of turning one of the empty rooms we have into a workspace.   RED: (beat) When you say “empty rooms,” are you counting my garage?   KITTY: No.   RED: Sounds great. I’ll find you a good, cheap contractor.   KITTY: Oh, no, no, no, no. This is something I want to handle myself.   RED: This is gonna be expensive, isn’t it?   KITTY: Maybe.   RED: Don’t you like anything cheap?   KITTY: I like you.   She smiles up at him. Red rolls his eyes and heads to the fridge for a beer.   Eric enters from the basement and heads for the patio door.   ERIC: Hey. Hyde and I are going tonight.   KITTY: Oh, good. I asked Jackie over for some decorating help, so it’ll be nice for Steven to have something to do on a Friday night without his girlfriend.   ERIC: Mom, we keep telling you, Jackie is not...   He recognizes the opening for a burn, and he takes it.   ERIC (cont’d): ... Ever going to pass up a chance to share her knowledge of interior design, and if that means giving up a date night – well then, that’s just a sacrifice Hyde will have to make.   Kitty chuckles and smiles at him. He grins back and heads out the patio door.   CUT TO:   EXT. HUB PARKING LOT – DAY   Most of the lot is taken up by a promotional booth and table for WFPP, and a white-and-green Volkswagen Samba. MAX stands by the table with a clipboard in hand. DONNA and her co-worker MELISSA man the booth, its speakers blaring out rock music.   KELSO and BOB circle admiringly around the Samba as a few other interested parties place hands on it.   KELSO: Oh, man! (to Bob) Oh, I hope I win this van! I really need a place to do it with Jackie.   He grins and turns back to the Samba, oblivious to Bob’s discomfort.   At the booth, Melissa nudges Donna with her elbow.   MELISSA: Check out that idiot’s ‘fro.   She points to Bob and chuckles.   DONNA: That’s my dad.   MELISSA: Oh! Uh...   DONNA: No... okay, yeah, you’re right.   They laugh as Max crosses over to the crowd around the van.   MAX: Okay, listen up, everybody. Welcome to the WFPP Hand 2 Van giveaway. The rules are simple: you place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you’re out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van.   Those interested, including Bob and Kelso, place a hand on the Samba.   MAX (cont’d): Any questions?   One DUPE raises his hand – the hand he had on the van.   MAX (cont’d): You’re out.   The dupe slinks away.   MAX (cont’d): Any other questions?   A disreputable-looking character with a bad moustache approaches – DANIEL.   DANIEL: Don’t start without me, Max.   MAX: Oh, God.   Slowly, confidently, Daniel makes his way around the van until he stands across from Kelso and Bob.   DANIEL: Hello. My name is Daniel, and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable. So, the choice is yours: joy or despair... pleasure or pain...   He slips a glove onto his right hand and holds it up.   DANIEL (cont’d): Life or death.   He slaps his hand down on the Samba.   DANIEL (cont’d): I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.   He is determined, Bob is unnerved, and Kelso is giddy and slightly impressed.   BUMPER   EXT. ROAD – EVENING   The El Camino is parked on the street in-between the Forman and Pinciotti homes. Hyde is at the wheel, Eric sits in the passenger’s seat, and Fez is wedged into the space in between.   HYDE: Alright, boys, let’s hit the road.   He starts up the car.   FEZ: Hyde, when we cruise a girl, how long do we have to talk to them before they will french us?   HYDE: That depends on what kind of girl you’re cruising for. Which is why I suggest you aim low. Real low.   ERIC: Well, I’m already at the bottom of a black pit of despair, so I think I’m about as low as I can get.   HYDE: (to Eric) Hey, none of that mopey crap, all right? (to Fez) And you, don’t come on all needy. You gotta be aloof.   FEZ: (beat) Did you just call me a loof? Because if so, I will have to kick you in your nads.   HYDE: No, man – aloof. Distant. Zen.   FEZ: (beat) Well, that’s not what “loof” means in my language.   HYDE: Look, I don’t care what you think it means, that’s what it means here. Now, come on – let’s ride.   He shifts out of park, Fez turns on the radio, and off they go.   CUT TO:   MONTAGE, moving from evening to night. Set to “We Gotta Get You A Woman” by Todd Rundgren. Beginning on a side shot of the El Camino pulling up to a light. Hyde, Eric and Fez look out the passenger window, grinning and nodding at what they see. And what they see is, in succession:   A) A SHORT-HAIRED BLONDE with pouty lips.   BLONDE: I’m on my way to Bible study. You in?   B) AN OLDER WOMAN.   OLDER WOMAN: You with the curly hair – I think I used to date your dad. Isn’t that a turn-on?   C) A LONG-HAIRED PRISSY GIRL.   PRISSY: I don’t know... I usually only date guys who aren’t as good-looking as me. Otherwise, I’d never date.   D) AN INTENSE GIRL.   INTENSE GIRL: My boyfriend’s in jail, so I guess I could fool around. (beat) Wait... I think he just busted out...   E) A BIG-TOOTHED REDHEAD.   REDHEAD: You know, I’m workin’ the pedals here with just one real leg. Wanna guess which one it is?   F) A MOUSY BRUNETTE, too paralyzed with fear to say anything. She giggles nervously and speeds off.   END MONTAGE. It’s now dark outside. The El Camino idles in a parking space. Hyde is chill, but Eric and Fez both look disturbed.   ERIC:  Well, that was all... deeply unsettling.   FEZ: (to Hyde) How many women who do not cause nightmares do you get in this way?   HYDE: I’d say it averages out to nine chicks a month. Subtract the six who turn out psycho, the two who get too attached, and the one that ditches ya.   ERIC: (beat) That comes to zero women.   HYDE: (shrugs) Hey, I’ve still got the El Camino.   He pats the dashboard as he brings his car into park.   ERIC: I don’t know, Hyde. Does a car and nine no-gos a month really fill the void left by a certain tiny cheerleader? One shrill of voice and intolerable for the sane among us, but with a certain naïve charm that some curly-haired rebels just can’t resist?   HYDE: Does a Vista Cruiser and a bitchy attitude make up for running off the hottest redhead in Wisconsin?   He exits the car, leaving Eric to consider that. Fez leans forward to look out the still-open driver’s door and call after Hyde:   FEZ: This is not over, Johnny Cool! (to Eric) Boy, what a loof.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT   Kitty and her catalogues have moved over to the stovetop. She stands over it with JACKIE at her side. Red sits at the kitchen table, eating a sandwich.   KITTY: Thank you for helping me figure out what to do with my new workspace, Jackie. I’m sure you’d rather be out with your boyfriend on a Friday night, but -   JACKIE: Oh, please. I needed a reason to get away tonight. I couldn’t take another second of hearing how we’ll be “hittin’ the road with his new wheels.”   KITTY: (shakes head) Oh, don’t get me started on men and cars, we will be here all night.   She laughs and opens up one of the catalogues.   KITTY (cont’d): Now, most of what I do at the church is helping plan events and fundraisers, so I just need a nice little space to set up a desk and hunker down with the paperwork.   Jackie nods agreeably. She picks up a catalogue and flips through it. At a certain page, she gasps and holds it up for Kitty to see.   JACKIE:  What about this? The Le Palais Bulles look. Pierre Cardin built his house like this on the French Riviera. Ocean view, bean bags for furniture, and the whole house is shaped like a bubble.   KITTY: (beat) Okay, um... my house is shaped like a... like a house. A bean bag is not a desk. And we don’t have an ocean view. We don’t even have a Lake Michigan view. (laughs)   Jackie considers this, turns back to the catalogue.   JACKIE: Ooh, you could model your workspace after Priscilla Presley’s home. She’s got this giant gold chess set that shows off that she’s rich, but she’s also got those crochet patterns old ladies like. That’d be perfect for you, Mrs. Forman!   She beams and bobs on her feet. Kitty gives her a fixed smile, glances around her to Red. He grins back.   RED: How’s doing it yourself working out?   He takes a big bite of her sandwich as Jackie calls Kitty’s attention to another design.   BUMPER   EXT. HUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT   The Hand 2 Van contest goes on. A few have dropped out, but Bob, Kelso, and Daniel remain.   Donna crosses to Bob and passes a tin and a pick to his free hand.   DONNA: Here, Dad. Some mints and your Afro pick.   BOB: Oh, thank God, Donna. My hair was starting to look silly.   Donna smiles, gives Kelso a friendly jab on the shoulder, and heads back to the booth. Daniel follows her with his eyes the whole way.   DANIEL: Hey, check out the redhead.   BOB: That redhead is my baby girl, Donna. I’m her dad.   DANIEL: I want Donna to call me “daddy.”   Kelso’s jaw drops as Bob trembles with rage. Finally, he can’t take it anymore – he takes his hand off the van and advances on Daniel.   BOB: That’s it!   Max hurries over from the table.   MAX: Ah, Bob! You took your hand off the van – you lose!   Max shakes his head and walks away. Bob glares at Daniel.   BOB: This isn’t over.   DANIEL: It is for you. Now, get out of here.   He nods his head toward the street. Bob stares him down for a moment, then slinks off to Max’s table.   Daniel slides along the van to get right up in a grinning Kelso’s face.   DANIEL (cont’d): And so begins the battle of wits.   KELSO: Oh, man. I’ve never been good at wits.   DANIEL: (flat) Really?   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Rockaway Beach by the Ramones.   INT. HUB - NIGHT   Between it being Friday night and the giveaway going on outside, the Hub is happening – lots of teens, and lots of them girls. “Rockaway Beach” plays on the jukebox. Donna and Melissa chat near the window, and a tall, stout, badly-dressed and poorly groomed girl with glasses struts the floor – at last, we meet BIG RHONDA.   Hyde, Eric, and Fez enter. Donna crosses to them.   DONNA: Hey, guys. What’s going on?   HYDE: Quick pit stop.   DONNA: Cool. There’s a keg behind the radio booth and the guy watching it isn’t checking I.D.s.   The boys all nod and mosey on into the Hub. Hyde and Eric stop to talk to a DARK-HAIRED GIRL and her friends, but Fez’s eye lands on Big Rhonda, near the pinball machine. He crosses over to her.   FEZ: So, you are the notorious Big Rhonda?   RHONDA: Yep. That’s my name. You must be that little foreign cocoa puff.   Fez nods, looks Rhonda over. She gives him a friendly slug on the shoulder.   RHONDA (cont’d): Hey, wanna join me in hittin’ that keg outside? First one to down five cups buys me a hot dog.   Fez raises his eyebrows, intrigued. He allows Rhonda to lead him outside.   Near the bathroom door, Hyde and Eric chat up the dark-haired girl, who leans against the wall.   DARK-HAIRED GIRL: It’s not like head cheerleader’s always the most talented, but in my case, it’s true.   Neither of the boys has an answer to that. The girl leaves them to re-join her friends.   ERIC: (to Hyde) God, would you look at her? Small, dark, and shallow. Hey, just your type, Hyde.   HYDE: Looks like your type’s being picked up.   He points over Eric’s shoulder. Eric looks, sees Donna chatting with a good-looking guy.   Deflated, Eric sighs, wanders over to a round table and leans against it. He doesn’t even notice the cute girl, KATIE, sitting there. She looks up at him and smiles.   KATIE: Hey.   Eric doesn’t respond.   KATIE (cont’d): So... that Hand 2 Van contest, huh?   ERIC: Yuh-huh.   KATIE: And the words kind of sound alike, so that’s always fun.   ERIC: Look – no offense, but I’m really not in the mood for talking. I just broke up with my girlfriend, so…   KATIE: Aww... you poor thing.   She puts a hand on his arm.   KATIE (cont’d): You know, you have these sad lips that are just so hot.   ERIC: (beat) Really?   He pulls up a chair and sits across from Katie.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. HUB – NIGHT   Picking up right where we left off. “Come On, Come On” by Cheap Trick now plays on the jukebox. Hyde chats with Melissa near the counter. Eric is still at the table with Katie. Fez and Rhonda have come back in from the keg and stand near the pinball machine.   RHONDA: This summer, I’m going to visit my aunt in Mississippi.   FEZ: Oh, you’re going away? That is sad.   RHONDA: Hey, you should come with me, chocolate milk!   She slaps him on the chest and downs what’s left of the beer in her cup.   At their table, Katie pulls her seat in closer to Eric, so that they’re right next to each other.   KATIE: When I looked up and saw you, I saw a guy who was wounded. The guy who sits in the dark, waiting for the light to find him again.   At that moment, Donna comes in from the contest. She sees Eric and Katie, and Eric sees her.   ERIC: (to Katie) If only I could find this light you speak of, then maybe – just maybe – my pain might go away.   KATIE: Would it help if I held you?   ERIC: I doubt it. (beat) But let’s try, Katie.   They hug.   ERIC (cont’d): Yeah, lower – yeah.   Donna remains by the door, fuming.   Hyde takes a sip from his red cup and looks Melissa over.   HYDE: So, what do you do for fun?   MELISSA: We’re in Wisconsin. So, nothing.   HYDE: So you wouldn’t want to do something some time?   MELISSA: Sorry. I did something last night, and I already made plans for some time.   She moves around him, brushing his shoulder with hers as she walks, and heads outside.   Fez and Rhonda have taken over an empty table. Fez stands on it and raises his red beer cup high. He’s not exactly steady on his feet.   FEZ: A toast: to all my good friends. I will miss you when I blow out of this burg with the beautiful Big Rhonda.   He actually picks up some applause.   FEZ (cont’d): Now, it’s off to Mississiphylis!   He downs the rest of his beer. He slips off the table and is caught bridal-style by Rhonda.   CUT TO:   EXT. HUB PARKING LOT – NIGHT   On goes the contest. Kelso and Daniel are all that’s left. Bob comes around the van with a coffee cup, hands it to Kelso.   BOB: Here, Kelso. Thought you might need some coffee to keep you going.   He exits, shooting Daniel a dirty look as he does so. Kelso quickly downs his coffee.   DANIEL: (to Kelso) Hey, you know what would be fun? Seeing which one of us could drink the most coffee, huh?   Kelso laughs and nods.   DANIEL (cont’d): Oh, no. You’ll just lose.   KELSO: No, I would not. I could so beat you!   DANIEL: Well, I doubt that.   KELSO: Oh, you’re goin’ down!   TIME LAPSE   Moments later. Kelso drains a cup of coffee and throws it down in triumph.   KELSO: That’s my six to your one!   DANIEL: Yeah, you really whipped me. Kelso, you ever been to Niagara Falls?   KELSO: Uh-uh.   DANIEL: Don’t you like the soothing sound of water?   KELSO: Yeah, I guess.   DANIEL: You ever sat beside a babbling brook, listening to the beautiful, steady stream of water?   KELSO: Well, I – okay, I don’t know if you realize this, but all this talk about water’s really making me have to go pee.   DANIEL: Oh, yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Yeah, I can see that “urine” a lot of pain.   KELSO: Yeah, well, you better shut up, ‘cause you’re gonna have to go too.   DANIEL: That’s where you’re wrong: I am going.   He pulls up his pant leg, revealing a thermos strapped to his ankle with a tube stretching up into his pants.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT   The decorating continues, and not well. Red is still at the kitchen table, now reading a newspaper. Kitty leans on the stovetop, trying to keep calm. Jackie is the only one still upbeat as she keeps flipping through catalogues.   JACKIE: Ooh, what about this one, Mrs. Forman? (shows Kitty) Barbara Streisand has a big desk next to the antique armchair. And just look at that chandelier.   KITTY: (beat) A chandelier? What am I going to do with a chandelier? There are two rooms in this house that I could use as a workspace, and neither one is even tall enough for a chandelier!   JACKIE: Okay, I’m sensing you’re not in love with the chandelier. (flips through catalogue) Oh, but Lee Raziwill has this gorgeous -   Kitty takes the catalogue from Jackie and shuts it.   KITTY: Okay, okay – I’ve changed my mind. I think I’ll just bring in a contractor to set up my workspace.   RED: And there it is.   He folds up his newspaper and checks his watch.   RED (cont’d): And hey, it didn’t even take as long as I thought.   He grins at a pouting Kitty, stands, and exits into the living room.   KITTY: Oh, well. Thank you anyway, Jackie, for all the help you were... you were trying to give. Tell you what – the night’s still young. Why don’t you go see if you can catch up with your boyfriend?   JACKIE:  Yeah, I should probably check on Michael, see how that radio giveaway’s going.   KITTY: (beat) Michael? Honey, you mean Steven.   JACKIE: No, I mean Michael.   KITTY: But I thought you were going to check on your boyfriend.   JACKIE: Yeah... Michael is my boyfriend. We got back together weeks ago. Steven’s the one who made sure we made things up.   Kitty jaw goes slack as she stares at Jackie.   KITTY: You’re back together with Michael? All the time you kids spend in my house, and no one tells me anything!   She shakes her head and throws up her hands.   CUT TO:   INT. HUB - NIGHT   The jukebox now plays “Sweet Talkin’ Woman” by the Electric Light Orchestra. While Eric and Katie continue to chat (and Donna continues to fume), Hyde leads Fez by the shoulder toward the door, just of out earshot of Rhonda, who is scarfing down hot dogs at a table near the pinball.   FEZ: I know I just met her, Hyde, but I love her. She is sturdy. I want to climb her.   HYDE: Man, you are desperate to give it away.   FEZ: Yes. Yes I am.   HYDE: Okay, Fez, time for a little advice. First: if a chick outweighs you by thirty pounds, you’re in for trouble.   FEZ: Oh, I’ll put on weight. I’ll bridge the gap.   HYDE: And that brings me to my second point: when used separately, chicks and booze are a lot of fun. But mix ‘em up, and you end spending your summer ass-deep in a swamp down south in Dixie.   Fez looks down in thought as Hyde pats him on the back.   Eric and Katie have moved into the booth seat. Eric briefly glances at Donna as Katie rubs his back.   ERIC: (to Katie) If you really think that putting my head on your lap will make me feel better... I mean, I guess I should try.   He adjusts himself so that he can lie down in the booth seat with his head in Katie’s lap.   DONNA: All right, that’s it. (to Katie) Excuse me? Hi. I have some information -   Eric shoots upright.   ERIC: (to Katie) No, don’t listen to what she’s... I’m... she’s the one who hurt me!   DONNA: Uh-huh. Yeah. He dumped me.   KATIE: (gasps) You dumped her?   ERIC: Well, I had to. She wouldn’t... she wouldn’t take my ring.   KATIE: (to Donna) You wouldn’t take his ring?   DONNA: This is none of your business! (to Eric) And you are a sad little man.   Katie looks at Eric with much less sympathy, and he squirms uncomfortably in his seat.   CUT TO:   EXT. HUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT   A short time later. The contest is still ongoing between Kelso and Daniel. Max and Bob still man the table, while Donna and Melissa watch from the booth. But there’s a new presence in the lot: Jackie is at Kelso’s side, talking.   JACKIE: Michael, this is so much nicer than your old van. I mean, this pea-soup green is – ugh – but with a little paint job -   KELSO: You mean, like a mural, or like the Mystery Machine? Either way, I’m there!   JACKIE: (nods) Yeah, you could have an eagle, soaring majestically over the clouds, or a wild stallion charging through the desert.   KELSO: I bet ya Fez would like that one! But it might give him some ideas...   He and Jackie both wince at what kind of “ideas” he’s talking about.   KELSO (cont’d): Oh, what about one of those wizards surrounded by fire?   Daniel leans his head against the van. The conversation’s getting to him.   JACKIE: No, wait Michael, I’ve got it. The mural should be about – me!   DANIEL: Oh, my God.   KELSO: (to Jackie) Yeah, I could totally see you airbrushed on the side of the new Shaggin’ Wagon! Would you wanna be in your black dress or your new bikini?   JACKIE: Why are those my only choices? I have so many mural-worthy outfits to choose from.   KELSO: I guess that’s true. Like your lavender top with the dark gold scarf for winter.   JACKIE: Or my bottleneck paired with my red beret.   KELSO: Or your cheerleading uniform.   JACKIE: Or my -   DANIEL: Oh, my God!   He turns to face them.   DANIEL (cont’d): I can’t take it anymore! (mocking) “What should we paint the van? Shouldn’t it be me? What should I wear?”   He lets go of the van with both hands to grab Jackie and cover her mouth.   DANIEL (cont’d): SHUT UP!   But that’s Max’s cue. With a portable transmitter and microphone on him, he jumps up and crosses to the van.   MAX: And we finally have a winner!   Daniel, in shock, releases Jackie, while Kelso hops up and down, still not letting go of the van. Donna and Melissa cross to Bob, and they all applaud.   KELSO: I did it! Oh, my God, I won! (to Daniel) Who’s the best? I’m the best! Loser!   DANIEL: I’m not a loser, okay? I win everything. I don’t lose, I win! Because I’m a winner!   He slowly slinks away, calling back as he exits:   DANIEL (cont’d): I’m a winner!   With him gone, Max adjusts the transmitter and crosses to Kelso and Jackie.   MAX: So, Michael Kelso, tell Wisconsin how it feels to be WFPP’s new Hand 2 Van winner.   He holds out the microphone for Kelso, who leans in.   KELSO: Well, I guess I have to say it like this, Max: if this van’s a-rockin’, we’re in there doing it.   JACKIE: Michael!   KELSO: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m doing it with Jackie Burkhart!   Max, Bob, Donna, and Melissa all shake their heads as Jackie slaps Kelso in the chest.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT   A short time later. Kitty is still up, back at the kitchen table with her catalogues. A portable radio, shut off, is on the table too.   Eric and Hyde enter through the patio door.   KITTY: Hello, boys.   Eric keeps walking, all the way to the basement, but Hyde stops at the kitchen table.   HYDE: Hey, Mrs. Forman. What are you doing up so late?   KITTY: Oh, just getting a few things together to show the contractor. (taps the catalogue page) You know, I do like this wallpaper Lee Radziwill used here. Guess Jackie had the right idea after all. (laughs)   HYDE: You had Jackie over?   KITTY: Uh-huh.   HYDE: (looks left and right) She still around?   KITTY: No, she went to go check on Michael. (taps radio) He just won the van giveaway. They cut the broadcast when Jackie started yelling at him for... well, for saying what they’d be doing in the van.   HYDE: Huh.   He leans on the back of a chair as he looks off into space. Kitty looks up at him in sympathy, pats his hand.   KITTY: That was a very selfless thing you did, getting them back together. I can only imagine how hard that was for you.   Hyde stirs; he realizes his guard’s down.   KITTY (cont’d): It didn’t really sink in until now, did it?   HYDE: What? No! Come on, man, that’s – pfft! Like I care.   He shrugs, jabs at the air. Kitty sees through the display. She stands, brings Hyde’s head down for a kiss on the cheek, and pats him on the shoulder before exiting into the living room.   Once she’s gone, Hyde takes his sunglasses off. He runs a hand down his face and stares off again.   Eric comes running back in from the basement.   ERIC: Oh, YES! Burn, baby, burn!   He points and snickers as Hyde scowls.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. HUB – NIGHT   The crowd has finally thinned out. It’s now just Rhonda, Fez, and Donna at a round table.   FEZ: (to Rhonda) Rhonda, I cannot go to Mississippi.   RHONDA: (tearing up) So, you’re not coming?   FEZ: I’m sorry. But maybe we can go to the movies sometime.   RHONDA: And make out in the theater? Yeah! Call me.   She kisses Fez on the cheek and struts out the door.   DONNA: (to Fez) Good God, sober up, man.   FEZ: Oh, screw it, Donna. Fez likes them big, Fez likes them small, Fez likes them all.   Donna laughs and claps him on the arm.   END.

[jsctens]

#32: Haunted house. Hit me with that famous Jazz angsttttt

you asked for ugly crying, and i delivered (potentially). hope you like it ross!!

trigger warning: descriptions of blood, death, ptsd, gun violence (brief)

This was a bad idea. This was a terrible, horrible, awful idea, and El could already feel the regret settling in. She wasn’t afraid, necessarily, more so apprehensive. Something about the 6 of them spending Halloween night in an overpriced and overly-decorated haunted house felt bizarre, considering the already very real horrors they had endured. But Dustin had insisted on going, and she could tell the others were excited, too. 

They had already been through the first two rooms, and whilst it had been amusing to see Dustin and Lucas blindly gripping at each other in fear, Max laughing in tow, El still couldn’t shake the feeling that this haunted house and it’s garish horror was not quite right. Like the fake, light-hearted fear that is meant to inhabit these places has been tweaked slightly into something much more daunting. Not to mention, she’s just noticed the absence of a hand that had been holding hers tightly for the past 10 minutes.

“Mike, wait. Where’s Will?” She says, turning to the boy latched onto her other hand. Mike looks at her with a confused expression, before looking around at the surrounding area. There’s no sign of Will in the decrepit little hallway they’re currently standing in, a safe space between the previous room and the one they had yet to enter, though the rest of the party seemed to have beat them to it. Mike and El lock eyes again and she feels a spark of worry flare up in the pit of her stomach.  

“Wait here, okay? I’ll just… go find him.” She sighs, letting go of Mike’s hand. If Will had trailed off or been left behind in the last room, it would be best for her to go in and find him alone. He could be panicking by himself, and she would know how to help him, or he could be perfectly fine. Either way, El felt compelled to go back by herself, as though bringing Mike with her would be a mistake. She didn’t know why, but the feeling was so ominous in its presence she chose to act on it.

“Uh–you’re just gonna leave me here? By myself? Alone?” He asks, eyes darting around the space. El smirks in amusement. He’d spent the entire night so far acting like he wasn’t afraid, though the fact that his hand was sweating profusely, and that it’s physically impossible to scream subtly had counteracted his words. Mike had been the one to grip onto her hand in fear in the first place, and he hadn’t let go since they’d entered.

“What, are you scared Mike?” She says, wiggling her eyebrows at him and drawing out the ‘scared’ in a teasing tone.

“No, I’m not scared. Not at all.” El rolls her eyes at his defiance. Mike could cry and yell and express his emotions better than anyone else, but sometimes he was just a teenager, pretending not to be afraid to impress his girlfriend in a haunted house on Halloween night.

“Uh huh, sure you aren’t. Look, I’m just going to check and see if he’s still in the last room. I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t take too long. There’s monsters in here, y’know.”

“Thought you weren’t scared?” She teases, before turning her back on him and heading towards the previous room. It’s a short walk, and soon enough she’s back in the room. It’s a pitch black and strangely silent. As though all the workers and visitors had vacated the space in a sudden panic, leaving behind an empty shell of a space and the peculiar feeling of something deadly lurking in the shadows, just out of reach. Goosebumps rise on her skin, and it’s the first time El’s felt real fear, borderline terror, this entire night.

“Will? Will, are you still in here?” She calls out quietly, slowly taking a step in and darting her head around, trying to catch a glimpse of her friend in the darkness. There’s no reply, just a silence that is thick and consuming, coupled by the sound of screams far off in the distance.

“Will?” She tries again, forcing herself to walk further into the space. Instantly, El wishes she’d remained by the door. This far in, the darkness has become denser. It’s pitch black and suffocating and El feels panic pulling her chest tight. She’s not sure exactly why, but this room feels as though its going to pull her in and trap her here. It feels far too much like a room her childhood self is much acquainted with. The only thing she can hear is the sound of her own breathing, somehow much too loud and much too quiet. Her skin has become ice cold, goosebumps lingering uncomfortably, and her heartbeat has sped up dramatically. El turns, ready to dart back out the door and into safety, to find a place where she doesn’t feel 11 years old and afraid anymore. But she turns and she sees nothing, no door, no way out, and shit – she’s really panicking now. Distantly, she thinks she hears Mike’s name, echoing in the darkness, and she realizes it must be her own voice calling for him.

Blindly searching for some means of escape, El whips her head around, and suddenly she isn’t in a haunted house anymore. Suddenly she’s in a confined room, the walls much too close despite the fact that she is standing in the center of the space; she can almost feel the rough grain of the concrete on her fingertips. There’s an overwhelming stench of antiseptic (and something metallic, something like blood), the floor is cold and much too worn from her own returning presence and oh God, she’s not in a haunted house, no– she’s trapped in haunted memories. El knows this room, knows the feel of the concrete walls and the exact measure of space between each tile on the floor. She knows exactly how many steps it would take to cross from one side to the other, how many times she has to bang on the door and yell and scream before it finally opens. And it’s these things, the suffocating familiarity of a place so ominous, that brings her to feel sick with fear, less so than the room itself. She shouldn’t know this room, but she does. She shouldn’t be here, but she is. This is just another episode. Find a way out. Hesitantly, El forces herself to take a step, and immediately feels the sting of the cold tile on her feet, and she looks down to find she’s no longer adorned in boots and overalls, but a tattered hospital gown and no shoes at all. The details are all coming together in perfect harmony, transporting her back to the lab and her own childhood terror in a way that’s far too real.

Slowly, El moves across the room, towards where she knows the steel door is. She walks with her arms outstretched until she feels the cool of the metal beneath her palms, and then begins feeling around for the doorknob. She grips it, and almost expects the door to be locked, almost prepares herself to start screaming, but finds that it turns easily, and the door clicks open. El pulls it open gradually, and pokes her head out, staring down the hallway before her. It’s relatively dark, the only light source coming from the large glass windows of a room on the left. Trying to swallow her terror, El steps out and moves down the hallway, walking slowly and apprehensively until she’s standing before the windows of the room. 

She brings herself closer to the glass, a shaky hand coming up to press against it. What she’s looking at cannot physically exist, can only be a fucked up figment of her imagination but God, does it feel real. Benny is sat in the room, staring blankly at her through glossed over eyes. He looks pale and sickly, veins faintly present beneath his skin. He looks like death. And suddenly there’s a bang and ringing in her ears and Benny has fallen over onto the table. El goes to bang on the glass, to wake him up, to wake herself up, but finds that her hand is holding something. She looks down and sees that it’s clasped tightly around a gun, her knuckles white and her hand shaking. No, oh God, no. She looks back up, eyes flooded with tears, trying to stop herself from comprehending what it is that’s just happened (a bang, a gunshot, Benny dead, her finger on the trigger), but it’s not Benny in the room anymore, it’s Barb, looking back through those same, soulless eyes. And then it’s Bob, then Brenner, then a room full of nameless lab workers, and then it’s her own mother, alive but not living– not really, each one coming to their death and each time it’s her fault. And then there’s no one in the room at all. Then it’s just El, staring at her own reflection in the glass. Her eyes are wide and filled with fear, her hair is buzzed and there’s blood, dripping slow and tauntingly, from her nose. This is her fault, all of this, all of them, it’s her own doing, and she’s never felt fear as wholly as she has now, staring back at herself. But then the scene in the room starts to change again, and El focuses her eyes past the glass. What she sees causes her stomach to drop and her heart to freeze in it’s beating entirely.

There’s Mike– splayed on the floor beneath the wall in front of her, eyes closed, blood surrounding his head in a sort of morbid halo. There are words smeared in blood all around him, too, echoes of a conversation between two 12-year-old kids, lost and sitting atop a cliff and saving each other.

Not the monster.

The words are written repeatedly across the entire wall, daunting and glistening sickeningly. Blood drips from the letters onto Mike’s lifeless form, resting below it all like a shrine made in memoriam of his own death.

“What-what is this? What the fuck is this?” El says softly, fear plaguing her tone and her body and she can’t move or think. All she can see, hear, breathe, feel is Mike, dead, and she knows, in a far removed part of her mind, that this is no longer just an episode. This is something worse. But there’s no room to dwell on anything besides Mike, bleeding, dying or already dead on the floor, so she forces through her own fearful paralysis to reach a hand out– only to stop in her tracks once more. Her hand is covered in blood. And as she looks down, El realizes that her hospital gown is, too. It’s everywhere, and as she looks back up at Mike, she knows exactly where it came from. No, no, no, no. There’s bile rising in her throat and El thinks she might be sick, she might be dying. Because she did this, Mike is dead because of her and she’s the monster and she did this and Mike is dead, dead, dead. He’s gone, in her own mind, and she knows if she doesn’t get out now the fear will trap her here for who knows how long and she doesn’t think she can stare at him like this and survive much longer. So, El forces her way back to reality the best way she knows how. She squeezes her eyes shut and screams, louder than she ever has before. She screams until the feel of the tile on her feet is gone and the image of Mike has been burned out of her vision and the smell of plastic decorations and popcorn and the fall air have returned.

She opens her eyes, and almost immediately feels relief flood through her. At first, it all seems normal. There’s the haunted house, clear in the absence of the darkness that had previously filled it, its cheap decor of fake cobwebs and fake blood splattered on the walls in view again. Except there’s something not quite right about the way that the blood is glistening, as though fresh, and how the stench of it has followed her from her episode to real life. El feels traces of fear spark up in her again; cold sweat on the back of her neck and the erratic rise of her heartbeat. Something’s wrong. Then she looks down. She looks down and feels every single cell in her body fall into paralysis. She almost starts screaming again, but she’s sure that if she opens her mouth she’ll choke on her own fear.

She’s looking at Mike. Splayed on the floor beneath the wall in front of her. Eyes closed. Blood surrounding his head. The words ‘Monster House’ are painted in red above him. He’s not moving, and fuck fuck fuck– she doesn’t think he’s breathing, either.

“M-Mike?”

[bettername2come]

The Nights You’ll Never Remember With the Friends You’ll Never Forget 1/?

My Westallen Hangover AU

Also posted here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12299736

Cisco had mocked them when they had first brought up the idea of a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. But as Iris and Barry had pointed out, they’d walked through most of their lives so far together and would be walking through the rest of it side by side. It seemed silly to split up for this one night. Besides, they basically had the same set of friends.

Oliver and Felicity had come in from Star City. Diggle had claimed he wasn’t able to find a sitter, but nobody really bought that excuse, especially as there were three other members of Team Arrow in Star City that night.

Kara had come in from Earth-38 for the occasion. She ran straight at Barry when she jumped through the portal into the West-Allen living room. “I’m so happy for you guys!” She hugged Barry tightly, releasing him quickly when she heard something snap. “Sorry! I’m just so excited. I mean, how often do superheroes actually get happily ever after?”

Barry gave her a puzzled look. “So you and Mon-El…”

Kara sighed, holding up her hand. “Don’t even ask.”

Iris smiled. “Well, we’re glad you could make it. Every other invitation we sent out to alternate dimensions got a ‘no.’”

“Jesse said she was stuck solving a problem on Earth-2, but she promises she’ll be here for the big day.”

“Gypsy made no such promise,” Cisco said. “She just said no.”

“So that whole ‘my girlfriend lives in another dimension’ thing,” Felicity said. “That doesn’t kill the relationship?”

“Kill?” Wally asked. “No. Pain in the ass? Yes.”

“Same.”

Iris slid an arm around Barry’s waist and looked up at him. “And that is why I am so glad to have you back home, babe.”

“I’ll always come home to you,” Barry said, leaning down for a kiss.

“Are they always this adorable?” Kara asked Caitlin.

“Pretty much,” Caitlin said. “At least when there aren’t any psychopaths standing in their way.”

“All right, y’all, let’s get this party started,” Cisco said. He reached for the bottle of champagne in the ice bucket and began filling glasses, passing them to their assorted friends. “A toast. To the bride and groom. Iris, from the moment you walked into STAR Labs and began questioning every single one of Caitlin’s medical credentials, I knew that whatever this relationship was (and let’s face it, those early phases were very confusing to the uninitiated), it was one of the strongest I had ever seen. To Iris and Barry and a love that transcends comas, life, death and dimensions.” Cisco looked around at the crowd. “Anybody else wanna go? I mean, I don’t think anyone’s going to top that, but you’re welcome to try.”

“I’ll give it a shot,” Oliver said, stepping forward. “Three years ago, when Barry first got his powers I gave him a few words of wisdom. The first, that he could be better than me; that he could inspire people. Watching over his city like a guardian angel. And I look around and see the people he’s inspired.” Oliver nodded towards Wally and Cisco. “The heroes who’ve stepped up in his city. And I’m happy to say that I was right. Barry Allen has not failed this city, or this world. The second thing I told him was that guys like us don’t get the girl.” His eyes slid over to Felicity for a fraction of a second before he turned them back towards the happy couple. “And, well, Barry completely disregarded that piece of information and here we are today celebrating the love that they have fought for. So, here’s to Barry for knowing which piece of advice to listen to and which was completely wrong and to Iris, the hero who saves The Flash. Because flaws and all, we still need him. Congratulations to the happy couple.”

They all clinked their glasses together to a chorus of “cheers.”

Twelve Hours Later

When Iris woke up, her first thought, before she even opened her eyes, was ugh, I am never drinking again. She could not remember the last time she had had a headache this bad. No, wait, yes, she could. Junior year of college when spring break had coincided with Barry’s twenty-first birthday and they had drank their way through every bar in Coast City. Of course, at least that time she had known she wouldn’t be facing the hangover alone. “God, Bear, I would kill for your ‘can’t get drunk’ superpower right now.”

She got no response.

Iris groaned. “Oh, come on, babe. Wake up. I need you to get me that bacon, egg and cheese thing from that place in Coast City. With the hashbrowns. And orange juice.” She reached a hand out to shake Barry awake, but froze when she made contact. That shoulder wasn’t nearly as sharp as it should’ve been. Iris’s eyes snapped open in panic, only to squeeze them tight again as the light sent a sharp pain through her skull. But the brief glimpse she got was enough to calm her rapidly beating heart. She reached out again, finding a mass of tangled curls. “Cisco! Wake up!”

Cisco stirred beneath her hand. “Ugh. Five more minutes, Mamá.”

Iris forced here eyes open and shook Cisco once more. “Not your mom, Cisco. It’s Iris.”

Cisco sat up, closing his eyes just as Iris had. “Iris? What the hell happened last night?”

Iris shook her head, immediately regretting the decision. “No idea. Last thing I remember was Oliver giving his toast and the next thing I know I’m waking up next to the wrong superhero.”

Cisco snorted. “Yeah, you’re not the only one. Look down.”

Iris glanced down to see a bright red S emblazoned on her chest. She jumped to her feet, studying the rest of her outfit. “I’m wearing a Supergirl costume! Why am I wearing a Supergirl costume?!”

Cisco rose to his feet coming around the bed. He reached his hand out for the cape, running the leathery material between his fingers. “I don’t think this is a costume. I’m pretty sure it’s the real deal. In which case, there are so many tests I would like to run.”

Iris swatted his hand away. “We are not testing Kara’s cape. We need to talk to Kara or Barry. They’ll know what happened, right? They can’t get drunk.”

“Which is usually the downside to their superpower combo platters,” Cisco said. “But I’d definitely be up for a trade right now.”

“Where’s my phone?” Iris said, running her hands over the fabric of the suit. “And why doesn’t this thing have pockets?” She checked under the covers, but had no luck.

Cisco reached into the pocket of his jacket. “Yahtzee! Okay, I have eleven new texts and three voicemails.” He put his phone on speaker and hit play.

Joe’s voice came through loud and clear. “Why aren’t any of you answering your damn phones? I’ve got half the precinct ready to shoot the superheroes on sight. Meet me at STAR Labs.”

Joe again. “Is Caitlin evil again? And why the hell is Supergirl working with her? Call me back. Now.”

Felicity’s message was barely understandable through her slurred words. “Viiiiiibbe. Did you find him yet? Iris is freaking out.”

“I am not freaking out!” Iris yelled in the background.

“Okay, Iris is totally calm in reaction and just looking for a status update.”

“If he is trapped in the Speed Force again, I swear I am gonna kick the Speed Force’s ass!” Iris yelled.

“I don’t think you can actually kick a force of nature’s ass,” Felicity said. “All right, so if you could just call. Or teleport. Whenever you know something. That’d be great. All right. Bye.”

Cisco looked back at Iris. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know,” Iris said. “Call Barry. Or Felicity. Not my dad. I don’t want to talk to him until I get an idea of what happened last night.”

Cisco tried Barry and the call went to voicemail. He shook his head and tried Felicity’s number. She answered on the third ring. “If this is not an emergency, I swear to God, Cisco, I will freeze your assets.”

“Well, okay, do you call having absolutely no memory of last night an emergency, or should I just hang up now?”

Felicity sat up, studying her surroundings. “Okay, that does sound like a problem.” She rubbed her head. “A pretty familiar one, actually. I have no idea how I got up here.”

“Up where?”

“I’m on a roof. In Central City. I think it might be Jitters.” She walked over to the door and tugged on the handle. It didn’t budge. “Who locks a door on a roof? On second, there are flying metahumans in this town. Good call.”

“I’ll be there in a second. Hold on.” Cisco threw out his hand and tried to summon the swirling blue vortex that had become second nature to him to no avail. “Uh, Houston, we have a problem.”

“What? Your powers have to work you just – “ Iris threw out her hand in imitation of Cisco’s powers and her eyes widen in shock. “My engagement ring is gone!”

“Iris, as much as I would love to be freaked out by your missing jewelry, it’s having a little trouble competing with the terror of ‘my powers aren’t working’ right now!”

Iris glared at him. “I’m sure your powers will come back as soon as this hangover from hell goes away, but right now I would like to know where my engagement ring is. Preferably before I find my fiancé, so I don’t have to explain to him that I lost his great-grandmother’s engagement ring.”

“Hey, guys? Felicity here. Still trapped on a roof. Just saying.”

“We’ll be there,” Cisco said. “Just not as soon as I thought.” Cisco hung up the phone before Felicity could say anything else. He turned back to Iris. “All right, follow the trail. The last thing we remember from last night is Oliver’s toast.”

“Then we should find out what the hell it was we drank.” Iris marched back over to the kitchen table, where the empty bottle of champagne sat. An ivory card sat in an envelope next to it.

“It was a gift?” Cisco asked. “I didn’t even notice that last night.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Iris pulled the card from its envelope and read the message aloud. “’To the nights you’ll never remember with the friends you’ll never forget. After all you’ve been through, you deserve a break. Best wishes to the happy couple. Love, The Music Meister.’”

Cisco sighed. “You know, I am really starting to hate this dick.”

[dracox-serdriel]

Supergirl: Kara/James Meta

I wanted to reflect a little bit on the Kara/James relationship. A lot of people have said that their relationship ended before it began for no reason--or that the only reason was to “make room” for Mon-El--but I disagree entirely. I believe the romance was interrupted by Kara’s brush with death, which forces her to reconsider everything in her life (outside of being Supergirl).

Warning: Spoilers for all episodes for Supergirl through 02x15 Exodus.

I think the major reason for this “no reason” perception comes from the break between Season 1 and Season 2. In fact, the “sudden breakup” thing reads to me like another TV romance, JD/Eliot in Scrubs, specifically 3x20 My Fault, where JD gives a speech to Eliot about he wanted to be with her, finally wooing her into dumping her fiance to be with him. As she curls against him, his thought is the final thing we hear: “I DON’T WANT HER!”

It’s jarring but not entirely unexpected, given our knowledge of the characters. It does feel weird, though, because unlike Scrubs, the characters on Supergirl are more mature, and most of them are self-aware, too. However, Kara is struggling with herself and her awareness of herself.

So what prompts this epic split between Kara and James after they spent a good chunk of Season 1 in the will-they-or-won’t-they phase? I believe it all comes down to Supergirl facing her own death during the Season 1 finale.

Given the odds she’s facing in the Season 1 Finale, she says her goodbye:

KARA: James, I know in my heart, that we could've been happy together. But we missed our chance. And now, the most important thing to me is that you find happiness. Find someone who appreciates how amazing you are. 

JAMES: Kara, wait. Kara, why are you saying this? What's going on with you?

KARA: Nothing. I just... I care about you a lot, James Olsen. Always remember that.

JAMES: Kara.

KARA: I can't. I have to go.

-- Episode 01x20 Better Angels

She then has this conversation with J’onn J’onzz:

J’ONN: I was exactly where you are, Kara. And when I was, you told me to never give up.

KARA: I'm not giving up. But my mother didn't send me to Earth to fall in love with a human, have children, live in a house with a white picket fence. She sent me here to protect Kal-El. And now, I will use my powers to protect the Earth. And If I die achieving that, I'm at peace with it. I'll join my mother. We'll be together in Rao's light.

-- Episode 01x20 Better Angels

Still, Kara faces off against Non and Indigo and lives, though she nearly dies in the process several times. She has a reunion with everyone after her narrow escape (thanks to Alex being a bad-ass), and then she tries to act as if she hadn’t been essentially arranging for her own funeral for the entire episode.

I wish they had spent more time on this, but the show goes from the end of Season 1 to the beginning of Season 2 with almost all of this struggle to return to normal off-screen. We are literally seeing the tail-end of it in 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl.

In the Season 2 Premiere, we pick up with a few spare comments about the dude in a pod before she starts talking about her date with James, which apparently they arranged, even though she told him that they couldn’t be together. That kiss during her “hey we survived” party magically made everything better, right?

Except it didn’t.

ALEX: So, are you watching the Venture launch tonight?

KARA: No, actually, James and I are going on our first date. It's gonna be great. We are finally both free and clear to just hang out. No aliens trying to destroy the Earth. Just him and me, together like normal people, doing what people do on dates.

ALEX: Okay.

KARA: What?

ALEX: What, what? You're doing that thing where you say "Okay," but you're not actually okay. Because you're doing that thing where you are super overeager, which means that you really aren't, but you're trying to convince yourself that you are.

KARA: I am not doing that thing. That's... I'm excited. This is me excited. Mmm-hmm.

-- Episode 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl

This is the first sign that Kara hasn’t really dealt with her near-death experience in the Season 1 Finale. She’s trying to act like she hasn’t just made a major life discovery, like everything hasn’t changed for her, and part of that is going on a date with James (pursing “the romance”).

But it’s not just Kara that’s getting all wiggy here. James is super-nervous, too.

KARA: Pizza and potstickers is my most favorite meal.

JAMES: Which I know about you. Um, I'm surprised you don't have the Venture launch on. I know how into the space program you are.

KARA: Oh, that's not a big deal.

JAMES: Kara, you can put it on, it's fine.

KARA: Well, maybe I'll just put it on without the sound.

-- Episode 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl

James definitely knows a lot about Kara, and he certainly know how she feels about him. So why is he so nervous? I’m guessing it has to do with how she’s been acting (off-screen) between the Season 1 Finale and the Season 2 Premiere. He knows something is up, and he must’ve realized it’s affecting their relationship. Even though he knows how she feels about him and that he reciprocates, it makes him nervous. This is also why he asks her “What’s changed?” later in the episode.

Then we get this conversation with Superman:

KARA: For so long, I kept my head down and moved forward. And life was simple. And now I have all these options. An amazing guy and any job I want and I'm... I'm stuck.

CLARK: I've been where you are. You know, trying to figure out how to be Clark and Superman.

KARA: Yeah, but you made it look so easy.

CLARK: Well, it wasn't. It's still not. Look, all I know is that being Kara is just as important as being Supergirl... Trust yourself, Kara. Listen to your heart. If things are right with James, you'll know it.

-- Episode 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl

If Kara was really ready for a relationship with anyone, then she wouldn’t be so conflicted over everything. She would understand and accept that any dates James and she have will almost certainly be interrupted by all manner of things, given both their jobs and the fact that she is Supergirl on top of it.

Instead she fixates on “the perfect date,” aka the thing that will make her feel like being with James is exactly right, which is the kind of thing you do when you’re uncertain of a relationship... and you know it, and you don’t want to admit you’re uncertain about it. Kara has been feeling that being with James isn’t right for her, almost certainly since 01x20 Better Angels, but she hasn’t dealt with that. She’s trying to push ahead like those doubts aren’t there because she was so certain she wanted to be with James before.

Thus, Kara is seeking verification. She wants to know she’s on the right path. But there’s no such thing for relationships. You have to jump in and swim, and that relationship might sink to the deep and drag you along with it. 

She eventually comes to the conclusion that Alex seems to have already guessed and James seems to be dreading... that she shouldn’t be with James.

“You know, what's funny is, on Krypton, by my age, I'd be a spinster. I know it seems like I should have everything figured out by now, but I don't. Last year was all about figuring out how to be Supergirl, and now... Now it's time I figure out how to be Kara. You were right, James. Something has changed for me. You and me together, that's all I wanted. But now when I listen to my heart, I just... I know that we are best as friends.”

-- Kara to James in episode 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl

Far from this being out of the blue, both the Season 1 finale and the Season 2 premiere implied this was coming. The primary issue (the reason it was a surprise) is that the kiss at the end of 01x20 Better Angels implies a resolution and moving forward, which 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl doesn’t truly address head-on until the last few scenes.

Kara faces her own mortality and prepares for her own funeral in the Season 1 finale, and unlike many other superhero/scifi shows, Supergirl decides to actually address the fall-out from those decisions at the beginning of Season 2 in a very real way. Kara has tons of things to distract her from inner revelations, (not the least of which is the Dude in a Kryptonian Pod) including deciding on a new career and starting a new romantic relationship.

During 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl, Kara tries to act as if nothing has changed. As if she hasn’t realized that becoming Supergirl is a lot more than just rescuing cats (or snakes named Fluffy) from trees... She’s been injured and in danger before, certainly, but Kara willingly laid down her life for the planet, going so far as to fly into outer space without a safe way to return.

This experience shakes up everything Kara knew about herself and Supergirl, so it makes sense that it would shake up all her relationships. Which it does. She leans on Clark when he arrives, but during the first three episodes, she has conflicts with pretty much everybody she knows, including Alex (02x02 The Last Children of Krypton) and J’onn (02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl and 02x02 The Last Children of Krypton), though both those conflicts appear to be a result of her relationship with Clark. But it’s more than that. A lot more.

Kara doesn’t jump into a relationship with anyone else after she ends things with James. In fact, it’s not until 02x11 The Martian Chronicles, when Alex encourages Kara to explore her feelings about Mon-El, which is months after 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl. 

The reason for Kara and James splitting up isn’t abrupt or random, but it does leave the door open for future development, which the show did not pursue. I wish they spent more time on Kara’s inner struggle here, because they have a great speech from Cat Grant that underscores the theme, but they left out so much of the self-reflection that it’s easy to miss.

“You're standing on the shore, afraid to dive into the new waters, and you're afraid because you don't wanna say goodbye to the mild-mannered, lovelorn Kara Danvers, the sweet and dutiful assistant to Cat Grant. You are standing there looking out at your options, the icy blue water, the fast-flowing river, and the choppy sea. And they all look very appealing to you because you're dying to go for a swim, but you know that water is going to be cold, and the journey is going to be hard, and when you reach the other side, you will have become a new person. And you are scared to meet that new version of yourself. Now, we all get used to our own personas, and we're used to our own comfort zones, but, trust me, in order to live, we must keep daring. Keep diving.”

-- Kat Grant in episode 02x01 The Adventures of Supergirl

Sudden, but not sudden.