#you always know how to cheer me up.
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Hi it's @clone-anon
Kix was never idle when he was at home and you had to work. Some days he did laundry. Some days he volunteered at the tooka shelter. Today, he was trying to learn how to cook something new. He had never cooked in the GAR. The food was what it was and he ate it and didn't think too much about it. When given the opportunity to cook, he had to take it.
He'd gone to the store to buy a few things and returned with food. He decided to try something simple, and could not pass up the fresh vegetables.
You came through the door feeling tired after a long day in the lab. Things hadn't gone the way you'd hoped the last few days, but at least you got to come home to Kix. He smiled when he saw you, standing over the stove and stirring something.
"Smells good," you said, leaning in for a kiss.
"Hopefully it tastes good," he replied a little shyly, returning the kiss.
You sat down and watched him work, catching up on your day and discussing which holomovie you wanted to watch later that evening.
Kix plated the food and brought it over. He waited for you to take a bite. You smiled at him as you tried the meal. It was really good. All his cooking practice was paying off and you kissed him.
"It's wonderful," you said. "Thank you."
He grinned and started eating. It was the start of the perfect evening together.
literally this is all i want out of life ngl.
just. domestic bliss with someone i love completely.
i love this so much, my beloved clone anon. thank you, i love you.
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there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not—“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love
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Twisted Wonderland self-aware!Yuu except they’re empathic.
When I say self-aware!Yuu I don’t mean a scenario where Yuu transmigrated into Twisted Wonderland with memories intact.
When I say self-aware!Yuu I mean someone who knows themselves better than anyone else.
They know they have flaws. They know that, sometimes, their flaws will get in the way. Whether it’s shutting down emotionally, not being able to express themselves properly, or something to do with a physical ability. Their flaws will always follow them around. Even in Twisted Wonderland.
And yet, self-aware!Yuu is still kind. Still loving all of their strengths and flaws.
Ace needing a place to stay after Riddle off’d-his-head? “Yes, of course you can sleepover.”
Deuce breaking down after letting his delinquent side out? “No, you’re not a bad guy— you just protected me and Grim from those bullies!”
Riddle having a crisis after his overblot? “I don’t accept your apology. Not yet at least. But I can understand why acted this way… you’re allowed to feel angry about your past. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.”
No matter how wrong the opponent is, self-aware!Yuu always empathizes with them in the end.
Maybe one day, someone confronts them about it. I can see Leona or Azul or Rollo and maybe Jamil. They’re people who have experienced and or seen how terrible people can be.
“Why are you so nice all the time? You’re too thought. Too kind. Good people like you always end up last.”
Perhaps self-aware!Yuu will look at them with a stoic face. Perhaps a shocked expression, accompanied by a frantic gasp. Perhaps even small laugh at their question. And just as the confronting student was about to retort again, self-aware!Yuu will smile.
“Well, I’m not a good person. I just do what I think is right.”
Self-aware!Yuu will sit down, watching activities unfold around them— heart still bursting full of kindness. They’ll pat the empty space beside them. An invitation, but it’s up to the student to take the initiative.
“It’s everyone’s first time living after all. May as well make it kind.”
Soon enough, if the student plucks their courage, they’ll sit and slowly learn how to become self-aware too.
banner credit: @bunnysrph
#idk thinking about how a self-aware!Yuu could change a lot of things in Twisted Wonderland#especially in NRC#someone who knows their flaws#knows they’ll fall time and time again#knows that their flaws will most likely never fully disappear#yet still loves unbashfully#self-aware!Yuu that loves themselves and everyone around them unapologetically#it doesn’t matter what their personality is whether cheerful or quiet as a mouse#no matter what they’ll always hold kindness in their heart#and maybe one day that kindness will influence those around them#because it doesn’t matter if their love changed anything#just as long as love was still there. present and unwavering.#(why do i suddenly have a puddle of tears around me😔🤏🏼)#ANYWAYS long story short#I WANNA HUG THESE BOYS UNTRUAMATIZE THEM RN💥🤺#twisted wonderland x reader#twst x reader#Leona x reader#jamil x reader#Azul x reader#riddle x reader#ace x reader#deuce x reader#twisted wonderland x yuu#self-aware!yuu#^^ maybe I’ll make some small scenarios of self-aware!yuu and expand on their relationships w/ others#MAN YUU IS GONNA HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH ROLLO#yuu/reader: *rolls up sleeves* So how much trauma do you have wanna cover today?#LMAOOOAOAOAOAO#alright that’s enough
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Something forgotten (ORV chapter 529)
Mild spoilers explaining this under the cut.
#for those who havent read this far/dont remember uriel has a shit ton of dokja statues in her room. but she also has one of jhw#your honor i cannot put into words how emotional this made me#i cant explain it.#sometjing about the ways love and support are shown#often silently#somethinf about uriel always cheering huiwon on#even though shes such a bjg dokja fan#something something i didnt forget you.#something something youre worth remembering.#orv#omniscient reader's viewpoint#omniscient reader#orv fanart#omniscient reader fanart#jung heewon#jung huiwon#i never know which fuckin spelling to do#jeong heewon#jhw#orv jhw#orv spoilers#omniscient reader spoilers#omniscient reader's viewpoint spoilers#my work#my art#original work#do not repost without giving credit#this story makes me so emotional dude#fucks me up
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not to get all up in my feelings about art and creativity but today (at work, not even as a fandom thing lmao) one of my friends went out of her way to tell me how much she liked a piece of my writing. and the thing is, i wasn't even that attached to this piece. it's small and written for a work thing and a lil clunky and a lil too personal and i almost didn't share it, but i decided to anyway because whatever
but after she told me that, the first thing i did was go back and re-read it, because i wanted to see what she saw in it. not in a self-deprecating, 'why do you even like this?' way, but just because it meant enough to her to say something about it, and i wanted to read it again through her eyes and wonder which phrases made her stop and think, or how the themes hit home, or what part made her like it enough to tell me about it
and i do that with my fanfic sometimes, too. when someone points out a certain detail or predicts what will happen next or even just says they read this at 2:30 in the morning with their cat on their lap. i read those comments, and i go back and look at this story i made, and i remember that i'm real and they're real and the things i create have changed the world in some tiny, ultimately insignificant way--but it was enough to affect what someone was doing or thinking in that moment
and something i've thought a lot about since covid happened and the vast majority of my social interactions started taking place online (it's a problem, i'm working on it, but it's true nonetheless) is that art really, truly is a love language. and not just when you gift it to people, or when you use it to show appreciation, or however else it can coincide with the traditional love languages. but because it's a way to share a little piece of yourself. and it might be silly and it might be sad and it might be fun and it might be meaningful but no matter what, it comes from you. a lot of the time, it comes from a part of us that we can't really effectively express otherwise. i mean, i can say 'i love x ship' in a thousand different ways but that's never going to compare to pouring my heart into stories or arts or edits exploring all my favorite things about those characters and their dynamic. that's why 'bad' art from writers or artists who don't really know what they're doing is still good--because if it comes from you, if it has meaning to you, it's special
but the thing about love languages is that there has to be a recipient. sometimes my writing is an act of love for myself, and that's good and lovely. but other times, when i share writing with friends or fandom or just strangers on the internet who have a thing or two in common with me, when you become the recipient, it really does transform the work. all these things that are so meaningful to me that i turned them into art are suddenly meaningful to you, too. it's like confessing a secret and having someone say yeah, me too. it's vulnerability and acceptance and kinship and community. it makes me see the things i create in a whole new light. it makes me see myself in a whole new light.
#writing things#you know what i WILL get all up in my feels about art and creativity thank you very much#i think we all should from time to time#i was telling my roommate the other night that writing raise dead helped me grieve#and i think about the love and meaning i poured into that story without telling a soul#and i think about how it was received with so much love in return#and part of it is that art is an outlet and part of it is that nice comments always cheer you up#but part of it is also that i could share some small piece of myself and watch it be handled with such care and appreciation#by people i don't even know#basically what i'm saying is i love people and i love art and i love you
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The Fernweh Saga by @lacunafiction - Agnes edition
Who would have thought? 🤭
Agnes "Nes" Sigrún 🌑RO: James Corvin
Personality: sincerity // cautious // friendly // merciful Traits: heart // compliance // believer Past affinity: writing [horror stories] Primary ability: empathetic impressions Past susceptibility: receptive
☀️Fernweh: She never really thought about leaving Fernweh… It was her place, near her family and friend(s). She felt good there and assumed she’s gonna spend her whole life happily in this little town. Even if Fernweh brings back devastating memories, she’s curious about what’s happening in Fernweh now, in her true home. It’s always been her dream to work in Turn The Page, and during her ‘short’ stay in Fernweh, she started thinking about it again. Why not stay for longer…? She would love to carry on her grandfather’s work and bring his legacy justice.
☀️Grandpa Jóhann: When she was young, she had an amazing relationship with her grandpa. They were completely honest with each other, and she loved him wholeheartedly. Some people thought that making her grandpa proud was her main hobby. She used to tell him all about her dreams that she had, which were always wild... and also about the nightmares… It took her by surprise when her grandpa, one of the most important people in her life, started being less involved. She was hurt and began to wonder if she had done something to cause the distance between them. His decision to move her out of Fernweh so quickly after this tragic event made a huge impact on her mental state. She needed time to cope and be with her closest ones, especially her grandpa...but after all she didn't blame him. She often heard that she looked exactly like her mother…like her grandpa's daughter... She assumed he could not look at her, without thinking about her... And she could not blame him for wanting to escape that pain. Agnes knew it was the best thing that her grandpa could do for him, and she accepted it, too eagerly. She always too eagerly took the blame for everything.
☀️Beckett Warrick: After what happened in Fernweh after James she had even more trouble interacting with other people and making new friends… However, Beckett was an exception. He was the first person who got to truly know her after the events in Fernweh. When she got the letter about her Grandpa, she considered hiding the truth from him, because she knew deep down that he would be there for her if she needed him… even if he would not particularly enjoy it. It's a good thing she’s such a bad liar… Her main concern is about Beckett’s well-being. She noticed that this 'little' trip made a huge impact on him. He wasn’t supposed to be here, and it’s because of her that he–... She needs to make sure that nothing happens to her friend. And she will somehow manage to bring him back to his home.
☀️Reese Verner: They had an unconventional relationship. Reese saw her as a rival, while Agnes thought of him as a friend. She was confused about why Verner, someone of great importance, would even look at her see her as a rival. She knew there were better candidates for his games. She had only one question on her mind - “why?”. Despite Verner's playful teasing, Agnes always remained polite and friendly towards him, even when he attempted to push her boundaries. Girl knew how to keep her true feelings behind a warm smile she still does. If I can be completely honest… Agnes was rather shocked that Reese still remembered her… and was actually looking for her, which sounded so unbelievably. His concern for Milton's well-being made her see him in a slightly different light. Of course, she already knew Reese had a good heart, but his behaviour really touched her. Additionally, Agnes noticed that Reese and James’ relationship became stronger and deeper… It’s for the best. James deserves someone as dependable as Reese. He will always be there for James.
☀️Sofia Dorran: Their bond was formed over a shared admiration for books and... the color blue. It may sound funny now, but these things became central to their lives and deepened their friendship. Sofia was the first person Agnes entrusted with her writing, and valued her honest feedback, knowing that Sofia would not make her feel bad if something needed improvement. They frequently borrowed books from each other's collections. Agnes yearned for the days when she and Sofia had reading sessions together, sipping on their favorite beverage. The only issue back then was when the book ended poorly or their library didn't have any new positions for them to read. She's willing to know how Sofia's taste toward books shifted (if shifted) and how she changed as a person. She's also extremely grateful because her grandfather received constant care from Sofia and her mother.
🌑James Corvin: …Do I really need to tell you that James was her first crush? And that she never found the courage to tell him so? maybe now will be the time? Agnes and James were always together, wherever one went the other followed. They were inseparable. Agnes even used to bake oatmeal cookies for James with her mother's help. They dreamed of their idyllic life together. As friends, obviously. Seeing him again after all those years was much harder than she anticipated. Agnes felt overwhelmed with stress from the moment she stepped out of her car. Every time she heard his surname, she unknowingly flinched. Her mind was full of questions about his well-being, life, and changes. She couldn't help but wonder if he would be happy to see her. …she did manage to hold his hand for a moment, I can consider it as a success
☀️Alex Corvin: Agnes has always looked up to Alex for their adventurous spirit and their willingness to embrace life to the fullest. She has always wanted to adopt a bit of Alex' wild side. Whenever they are around, boredom and dullness seem to disappear. They both share similar values and support each other's life goals. If I would say which person Agnes was the most willing to meet during her stay in Fernweh that would be Alex. She was confident in their friendliness towards everybody and was sure that their kindness had not wavered. Agnes was touched when she heard that Alex was looking after her grandfather's bookstore… It appears that Beckett has a new admirer, which Agnes wholeheartedly approves of.
☀️Mal: Agnes has a sense that Mal might be suspicious, but she is quite naive and doesn't believe that he could mean trouble. Although she is wary of him and finds him a little untrustworthy, Agnes believes in being kind to everyone, and she is willing to give Mal a chance, not judging him by her own impressions of him.
☀️Goldie: Agnes is grateful that her grandfather had a furry companion like Goldie, who probably managed to brighten his spirits. She fondly recalls how her grandfather would tell her stories when he once had a dog, when he was younger and how his eyes would light up with joy as he shared his story. Agnes is committed to taking excellent care of Goldie and ensuring her safety.
#don't get me started how she is BLAMING herself for the situation Beckett is rn. she needs to go back for her theraphy sesions right away#that's why she went with him into the woods looking for Milton and not James even so she wanted to spent every single second with him :sob:#she's conflicted. being with James is something that she dreamed of but in her opinion he deserves someone better //obviously//#...that's why she's cheering for James and Reese lol. Look she just wants James and Reese to be happy and she can see how those two care of#-each other. She's happy : )#she's an idiot 🙂#is there a potential happy ending for the three of them..? maybeeee. we'll see what the story will bring 👀#im totally confident that Sofia and Agnes had their own shared little library#Agnes wrote a poem for James when she was young but it wasn't really her forte. that's why she showed it to Sofia because she knew she will#-help her. //Agnes didn't want to tell for who it was but Sofia figured it out anyway. they both knew that the other knew but weren't-#-talking about it out loud. XD it was hilarious -- for me and I assume Sofia but Agnes was terrified. XDD//#....cough James never saw this poem anyway cough...#I have this headcanon that Agnes made up amazing horror stories that James was willing to hear (for a bunch of oatmeal cookies) when-#-they had a sleepover //those stories were from her nightmares but she never said that to James knowing he would only worry about her//#btw her parents called her 'little star' and James must have heard it and (maybe?) asked Sofia to make a necklace... Sun and Moon.#did you know that Agnes had her piece of the Sun as her necklace for the WHOLE TIME. but she hid it away under shirt... x"D she was looking#-if James had his Moon somewhere... but she did not see it. anyway she wears it always.#omg i finally made it. there's also one in my drafts nearly finished and three more to go. XD#sooo curious about book two <3#fernweh saga#my art?#Spotify#oc: agnes sigrun
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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I don't think my husband understands that there is a big difference between the kind of sleep I've been getting and the kind of sleep he's been getting. It's starting to make me very angry
#ignore me#i only sleep for max 4 hours and then have too wale up to feed tje baby#and after that she doesn't sleep for another 4 only for max 2#which means i barely get any of the deep sleep#and he sometimes gets like 8+ hours#and then he has tje audacity to bitch at me that he deserves to sleep in too#like boyo you slept 10 hours this week#my max was 8 including the feeding breaks which means definitely not 8???#In 8+ months i had the pleasure of sleeping without feeding duty twice#like does he even understand the level of exhaustion I have by now???#i think i wouldn't care if he didn't have the audacity to pretend that he never gets enough sleep anymore which is factually not true#he sleeps more than he did before the baby which is okay cause he's been more busy since then#but dont bitch at me please? I'm tired too... I'm trying my best with not enough rest too#I'm so tired my baby thought i was upset and tried to cheer me up#what a cutie#she always tries to cheer me up when I'm not smiling which is not necessary??? i cannot smile all the time???#but i guess for her it's weird to not look concentrated or happy#i know she isnt scared. of me cause sometimes when i get a bit more stern she goes “oh oh” so i think she does it cause she is happy so i#should be making the happy face too after all she is happy???#at least i think that babies have no concept of other people feelibg other things than them. yet#anyways being a mom is hard jesus christ how the fuck do single moms manage???#or moms with useless husbands???#not saying we are perfect but at least my husband helps as much as he can and i can leave him alone with the baby as long as he has milk#i need to talk with him about this
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i kinda forgot how mochizuki does expressions so well that they speak more than texts in an image
esp for someone like oz who has identity crisis going on for him that he doesn't really care who he is as a person so long as it makes others happy (the way later he could care less if people see him as jack the hero rather than just oz)
but the shock in oz's expression as though he had been read so clearly by sharon's words.
also idk it never crossed my mind while i was rereading, but i love that this is just in chapter 2 -- that things would go bad if oz should ever lose sight of himself
bc that's the gist of oz's whole character arc, inching away from just being whatever people want him to be, shying away from his emotions, and accepting himself and what it means to be himself - emotions and past - alike.
#'avil why are you reading pandora hearts again' girl's depressed. turns to comfort media.#tbh im kinda surprised though that i can still pick up new stuff with oz bc oz is my big comfort character#however i also feel like i know /enough/ that i didnt think id pick up more#the treasure lies in the little details lol#also yeah im just liveblogging/trying to infodump to cheer myself up lmao#feel free to block the liveblog tag idk how long ill be reading ph today before i switch to things i should probably be working on#anyways#the thing about oz is that hes always rejected himself#you see it in the way he talks to break about himself#or like. he hates himself so much that he rejects alice and gilbert later down the line when he finds out the truth about himself#to lose sight of himself like that means the end#i guess for me his story has always been about growth from that and it feels nice to fall back into that and watch him grow#anyways if i turn into an oz blog. you know lmao#avil reads ph#i always wanted to reread ph again but the starting chapters are kinda too slow for me alksjdfalkh#just throw me straight into the isla yura arc and beyond#you know another thing though. that rejection of oz himself. parallel that with leo's rejection of self later that he hides away and allows#oswald to take over blahblah#*i dont think this makes sense im just blabbing now*
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.
#i know i won't shut up abt 5sos but the real question is will i ever go to a better gig than darren criss in [redacted] 2023#like i didn't even know half his songs before i went and i still had the best time i've ever had at a gig#literally the energy in that room was insane#and like... better than any gig i've ever been to in melbourne like#smth about being in a smaller place that artists don't often come to Especially not internation acts#everyone was so like... polite?#like they were doing concert so well they weren't being assholes and yelling when it wasn't their turn :')#which is so annoying i hate when a crowd is so roudy that it feels like a classroom and the teacher is waiting for everyone to shut up#like we can still have a good time if u respect the fact that some of us are spending hundreds even just Getting here#idk maybe i'm a music snob i just think there's something so magical in a quiet room full of people#like when something really beautiful has happened you can sit in it for a second#the pressure to cheer like... the idea that a moment of silence will somehow offend the artist who created the moment#i tried to find another concert on the tour where the crowd was as in the moment as we were for the line#'i believe there is music in the silence' and then he like#puts the guitar down and heads to the piano to do the rest#but it was so gorgeously quiet it was breathtaking i cried#it might have helped that he played the first half entirely accoustically no mic no amps#bc the venue was small enough and also designed to amplify naturally#but we all had to be so quiet to make sure everyone heard it so it just#the music hung in the air so magically y'all art is so good i'm still crying nothing will ever beat that concert i'm still chasing that hig#luke was nearly that magical but tbh..... the audience kinda ruined it for me at times :/#also he was nervous and kept cutting off the moment by saying 'thank you' like we get it ur a humble king but like#you have to let a song like place in me Breathe when it's done#you have to give the crowd a chance to go holy fucking shit what the fuck and THEN start screaming and Then thank them#but i'm truly such a snob it's the worst#honestly thinking abt how those lads are always improving tho he'll get there#by the time he's darren criss' age he'll be killing it even more they all will
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hiya bee, uhhhh not really the best at giving romantic advice, but pls don't blame yourself!! >:00 love is super weird and makes us feel super duper weird emotions and makes us feel gross and mushy, and that's okie! the way i see it, definitely get to know this guy better. see just what kind of person he actually is and gauge if you can feel any good vibes coming from him or not bc i will actually cry and throw myself into the ocean if something bad happens to you >:((
but also see what kind of stuff he's into (games, tv shows, movies, books, hobbies, etc.) and see if you two can find something you both can bond over! you can also learn more about each other and grow closer that way! i'm wishing you the best of luck, and always remember to love yourself first, because you are the only "you" that this universe will get so don't ever lower your standards <33
will send ulpipi thirst soon, i'm going insane girl
as a lil bonus to make ya feel better, hab some new pics of mittens being a nasty freak. caught him sniffing our shoes, his whole head was right up in there, he's a nasty lil germ <33 he kept annoying me for attention, he likes having the base of his tail scratched and wouldn't stop rubbing against me until i did it again,,
Latiiii 😭😭💞💞 I don't mind at all, I just appreciate you taking the time to send the ask and giving me reassurance! I can confirm tho, love is making me feel mushy gushy while also making me feel like I wanna set myself on fire LMAO. It's such a weird emotion and sometimes, I rly do feel like I could do without it (but I'm a romantic at heart so maybe not). I'd love to get to know him better, and I hope he feels the same still!! I'll also keep myself safe, for you, Lati, and everyone else worried about me 🥺💖
We're into the same games and anime, I think!! So that's a starting point! I've lowered my standards before, and I'm trying not to do that again all for some reciprocated feelings lol. Thank you for reminding me of that, Lati-
Also??? LOOKING FORWARD TO MORE ULPIPI THIRST!!! And I love Mittens so much, he's such a cute lil man!! 😭💖 HE'S GETTIN A BIG WHIFF OF THOSE SHOES THO LMAO, WHAT A LIL FOOT GREMLIN I would die for Mittens
#Lati you always know how to cheer me up fr#seeing you in my inbox makes me perk up LOL#bless you heart
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if you told me all those years ago that the people who made the song that got me through the worst time of my life would go on to do some of the craziest things in their career and you said they're gonna go perform at all these places and do all these things 😭 idk what baby me would've done but current me is literally so overwhelmed with emotions ... 😞🫶‼️💗 like that's just too crazy to me to really put into words but watching the skz journey feels so heart warming and exciting and im so incredibly fucking proud of them... 🥺🤍 my skz you are so amazing 😭🫶💗🌙🫂
#idk what i'm trying to say#but 17 year old me found you when my life was in ruin#and then 🤍🫂 you picked me up and put me on my feet... 😞💗‼️ and i... i am lucky to have you in my life ...#i wouldn't be the same without you...#no i mean.. i wouldn't even be here without you#😞 i know that for sure ... like without a doubt#that part of my life was ... bad 👍#sitting on that train after being assaulted the first time and feeling like it was over like i was going to kill myself and then#all i heard was chans voice saying 'blessings wait for you'#and 😞 it felt like the first hug id had in ages... like someone had held me and told me it would be ok 😞💗#idk ... kinda presumptive to say i owe them my life but... 🫂 i wouldn't be here without them#that much is for damn sure ...#so to see them come this far ... do so much#🥺 the pride in my heart is beyond overwhelming#being here since they were nugu losers 😭💗🫶 GOD I LOVE UUUU MY SKZ!!!!!#i don't know how much more i can say it........ i so incredibly love you 😞🤍💗#god i'm so proud#i hope chan knows 😭🫶💗🥺 with every fucking fibre in my being that i'm always ALWAYS cheering him on 😞 that he deserved this so infinitely#god i fucking love him 😭‼️ my darling boy.........#:( my skz fr...#li.txt
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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I used to take meds back then from autumn 2018 to autumn 2019. They were helping with paranoia, hyperactivity, impulsivity, anger issues, delusions, panic attacks, etc, you get the drill. They had good effects, such as me having been rather calm (to the point people were joking about how nothing could ever anger or scare me, lol), as well as more focused on writing or drawing things more than I've ever been in my life. But also they've made me so sleepy that I basically barely finished my last uni year when dozing off at every class, and I had a hard time providing the engaged, invested, "nerdy" conversations on every other topic like I do. I just quit them because not only being sleepy ALL the time would not let me work a job normally, but I also started to worry that I've been losing myself as a person. I was just so... detached and boring in conversations while medicated? Like you guys here know me as a person who is chronically like this:
But when I was medicated, it was far not this way. I was giving like... kinda tame and normie responses and thoughts, still excited but not TOO excited, etc. I am surprised that even while being a total slug on meds, I still had it in me to start fearing of losing my "eyes on the inside" xd
But I've been just thinking about stuff recently. I still loathe it when it is being handled like "you are a dangerous harmful monster that doesn't deserve compassion and trust and should be exciled from society", obvs, but the problem itself exists. I am kinda too intense, too much, too impulsive, my mood can drastically flicker within a second and flicker back just as fast. And I am paranoid. This year I even exhausted another paranoid person with being worse at it than them :/ (it always reminds me of a dream I had once, where Mic0lash of all people told me that I was "too crazy" for him fdshfh xD) I am extremely blessed to have friends and simply familiar people who accept and love me the way I am, but I am really starting to think that maybe I should delve back into it. That maybe something was wrong with the meds or the dose I used to be taking and I should try again. It is just really strange that being healthier would be able to "ruin" my passionate, nerdy, engaged personality. I've always been 'over the top' with how I think and with my creativity, even before any mental illness showed up, so sure it is just me and not any sort of positive symptom...? Like, clearly this is just my autism, not one of those other "mental illness" guys?
Well, all this talk is just in the scenario if I get enough financial stability to be able to afford monthly repackaging of meds. I am just having second thoughts on whether it is really a choice with no good option, and that maybe that previous doctor just made a mistake with prescriptions (could happen with anyone, even a professional). Or maybe I needed to demand trying something else but didn't. And I just assumed that "meds are a diabolic device to destroy a creative, nonconforming brain" (notice how it itself sounds a bit like a paranoid delusion, so clearly those meds were not quite helping with it lol). Not gonna lie, I am still scared that being calmer will kill the "real me", but at this point pain, paranoia and anger keep chopping away from my days and from my good experiences. And I can't control it.
But maybe I just should not have expected to hit the right way instantly, some people try out different meds for years before they find something that genuinely makes life better. Like maybe I got scared of how things have changed and gave up too soon, when I should have like, bugged doctor to try something else. I just want to believe that I don't have to choose between "being nerdy and engaged" and "stopping having panic/anger attacks that quite literally make me lose my mind". At least I gather enough optimism and benefit of the doubt to consider delving into it again, so there is something..
#personal#mental health#mental illness#not gonna lie guys paranoia is a really hard thing to seek help with#because yes if you are wondering it can get as bad as me believing that people who try to help are 'enemies'#like i can't even describe how REAL even the worst assumptions feel#i suppose i am having a small window of 'sanity' because early fall always cheers me up#i am describing this sort of thing more vaguely since you need to be at least lvl 5 friend to unlock the details fsjd#but i think it is pretty clear especially if anybody here has/had similar problems#at least if i crawl from the current debt pit i know where to put money that come above the bare minimum line lol
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I was just thinking about the fact that the fic of mine that has attracted the most over the top, vitriolic responses over the years is also my most kudos'd fic by a long ways.
It's only over the last few years that it's accumulated most of those kudos—I initially wrote Season of Courtship in 2005/2006, but it didn't start outpacing my other fics until much more recently, and I never found out why it happened. But those vitriolic reviews were from long before that point. (IIRC, my most popular fic when they were posted was the kind of batshit Subsequent Connections, which never attracted the same level of indignation.)
Like. One person said they'd read all the P&P fic/sequel-type things out there, and Season of Courtship was easily the worst. I still don't know why they thought so, since I stopped reading once the reviewer went off about the impossibility of Elizabeth being a woman of color (I hadn't actually written her as one, but this person was very determined to be racist). But I never forgot the part I did read, for sure.
Another person linked to the ff.net version from a ranting community on livejournal. It's relevant that it was the ff.net version because that one had continuity errors that were a pain to fix and I just hadn't bothered, which annoyed the ranter.
Some people have had fits about Season of Courtship's Darcy being blond or fairly inexperienced sexually. Some people didn't like the extremely flawed extended Fitzwilliam family, at least once they became major players in the story. Some people liked the original version of the Fitzwilliams but not the revised one. Et cetera. And while some people were perfectly reasonable about these things, sometimes I'd be on the receiving end of these towering temper tantrums over them. I don't remember all of the occasions tbh, just that it attracted more of that sort of thing than anything else I've written.
I don't know what changed, but it is kind of weird that what to me was a fun but fluffy and harmless engagement interquel fic provoked both the most furious and the most favorable responses I've ever gotten, at different times. I don't really have a takeaway from all this, just ... you never know, I guess.
#anghraine babbles#fic talk#fic talk: season of courtship#i will always be kind of perplexed by the reactions to it#i'm fond of it and always was—i wrote it when my mood swings were really severe and it cheered me up#and was a nice counterpoint to the much grimmer fic i was writing at the same time#but it's not the dearest to my heart or anything. it is the dearest of mine to the people's heart though!#just. hasn't always been. and i suppose you never know how that particular wind's going to change#long post#austen blogging#austen fanwank
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I'll be fine but this was the first thing that's gotten me to cry. I wish everything was different. It shouldn't have been like this
#drugs fuck everything up. Maybe he was always going to do it. Maybe none of us saw the warning signs. Fuck. Just. fuck.#all i can think about lately is how my mom said he was saying goodbye that last trip. I didn't know what she meant for years bc I didn't eve#n properly address the thought he was dead. I wanna hug him again. I should have been sharing a beer with him this year and setting off fir#eworks and snickering over his dumb jokes. He would've insisted on drinking with me. Six years. Six fucking years. I don't know how that's#so big and yet so small. I'll cheers to you bud on my 21 ok? Pour one out for you. We'll always love you. This family won't ever forget you.#You're gonna owe me a drink one day man. Fuck you making me wait so long#elias howls
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