#you Know a media has me in the trenches when im out here making my own posts 😭😭😭

[electriccrayon13]

just realised the "i see you on the brink of death" line in teiresias' prophecy was probably in reference to odysseus on the edge in love in paradise 😭😭

[blood-teeth]

TMITAWH is 2 years old????!!!!

i cant believe i missed it that sounds so ridiculous to me! in my defense, i was driving for two weeks straight

i don't have anything planned for celebration; i'm so sorry! but i do have some updates!

for those that missed it, tmitawh is now a novel and will no longer be told in an interactive fiction format. this has upset a lot of people. i've lost a lot of followers over this announcement. and i can understand this to some extent, but largely i have to continue to be unapologetic about my choices.

this story is one that has, in every meaning of the phrase, saved my life. writing in this little world has gotten me through some of the darkest times and carried me through to the next day. at some point, IF stopped being a media that was capable of telling the story i wanted to tell.

i'm disheartened by a lot of the anons i've received. some are hateful and unkind. others are upset that they no longer will have the opportunity to pursue Cain or Ezio, and a few mention that they're not interested in reading a lesbian story and will not be reading the book if it ever makes it to publication. i've disregarded the first, but the second cuts the deepest i think.

i have never, ever been shy on this app that i'm a lesbian. i feel as though i've talked endlessly about it. being a lesbian is a huge facet of my identity and being told that, in so many words, a story written for myself, with other queer people in mind, is not for them seems like such a stupid thing to say. like, i didnt write it for you. i wrote it for me. i wrote it for the lesbians who love so violently that they have to hide it away under their clothes, in between their teeth. i wrote it for the lesbians who have been told their love is disgusting, or wrong, or sexy and for a male's pleasure only. i wrote it for the lesbians who are told their love is okay as long as they never show it- as long as they only hold hands at most but never kiss in public. i wrote it for the lesbian who sits in pews and breathes over their hands and wonders if God loves them still.

i'm not sorry to not have written a story catered for you when the whole world is for you. leave me out of your self-absorbed, hateful little orbit.

please know, this blog does not tolerate hatred, bigotry, or harassment in any shape or form. and if you're going to fuck around with me, you sure as hell are going to find out with me.

on a more positive note!

i want to thank you all who have been overwhelmingly positive and supportive of my endeavors!! it means the absolute world to me!! i sometimes hold myself at night and think of all the kind words y'all have sent over these past two years and just sob. never in my life before this could i have imagined sharing my work with people who give a shit and care. it warms me in ways i cannot begin to describe. i love you and i hope you are well as always. my inbox/dms are open ANYTIME if you just want to chat, catch up, rant to me, or tell me about your pet. actually, please tell me about your pet.

Some quick publishing updates:

I'm 20k words out of 90k into draft 2. and i think this is going to be the last draft before i query (?????) i'm really very happy with the muscles and bones of the manuscript. now it's just some meticulous line editing i have to work through.

after this, i'm off to the query trenches. (im scared) if anybody has gone through this process before and has any tips, i'd love to hear them!

here's a little excerpt:

"She grabs hard enough to make sure of her presence, not enough to bruise. Some sick part of the Traveler’s brain says, Yes. Please. More. Press deeper. Press harder. Bruise me. Hurt me. She delights in the heat that blossoms from where the Reverie digs her fingers into skin. Eyes earnest, stubborn disposition to her jaw as the thick muscle there flickers in an implication of anger. “I will find you,” she’s shaping her tongue into a dagger at the Traveler’s throat. “I will find you again, and that is a promise.” The Traveler gasps, tilting her head higher. She blinks and— The Reverie’s mouth is on hers, hot and aching, and the Traveler blinks— Want flavors the Traveler’s tongue, the Reverie’s hands pressed tightly against her collarbone, teeth at her jaw. She blinks and— Is this Before or After?"

i also, stupidly, have officially started a twitter that i want to start working with. i know twitter is dead, but it remains to be very useful for publishing. if you'd like to follow me, im there on @ morganhollow25. i dont know how to use it. im scared to use it. but if you have a twitter maybe follow me there too! i absolutely plan to be on tumblr primarily. i love it here and have grown a tiny home in these webs.

i'll have more updates coming soon regarding FTMTB and other works. thank you all again <3

[the-nightmare-before-bucky]

everything i love about hunchback of notre dame

*the g-slur will be replaced with roma, romani, or something else and will have brackets ([ ]) surrounding it to indicate a word change*

Olim -  i love the build up at the end into bells of notre dame 

bells of notre dame -  ”and some say the soul of the city’s the toll of the bells, the bells of notre dame” the fact that it’s esmeralda singing it. we’re already off to a great start.  jehan’s voice is so nice it’s beautiful the foreboding saints after jehan dies and right into the “ahhhhs’ “and the saints regarded frollo from their stone facade and he felt their gaze as if it were the eyes of God” - the difference between the stone saints for frollo and quasi is so interesting. One sees them as terrifying, boring into his soul because of his darkness within, while the other sees them as his friends and aid on his journey.  the way frollo says quasimodo “now here is a riddle to guess if you can, sing the bells of notre dame” “what makes a monster and what makes a man?” - song by Quasi. It just makes me tingle, I love it.  the way this song sets up so many motifs is just so good

Out There -  the beginning is manipulation 101 (it is I alone, your only friend, how can i protect you, etc)  michael arden is an icon i swear. he is phenomenal. his e m o t i o n “but part of theeeeeem and Ooooooout there” “out there among the millers and the weavers and their wives”  “heedless of the gift it is to be them. if I were in their skin I’d treasure every instant” “i swear i’ll be content with my share. won’t resent won’t despair old and bent I won’t care. I’ll have spent oooone daaay out theeeeeeeeeere” Amazing, showstopping, what a way to open a show and introduce a character, I cry almost every single time

Topsy Turvy pt. 1 -  “somehow i can wander through this helter skelter without fear now. no one sees i’m here now out here in the woooorld!” ugh i love him  “on the sixth of januervy” too catchy

Rest and Recreation -  I used to hate this song but now i’ve matured and learned that it is amazing I just love the tune, idk, it’s so fun and catchy until you get to the bridge and that’s what i love “rest and recreaaaaaa- four years at the front...” that’s on ptsd “the air filled with a stench of bodies in a trench. whoever pays the most i call my liege.” just the bitterness when he says that line. Amazing.  “and whatever i do i’ll make sure this is true i will never go back again.” i literally adore this part so much. it gives him so much motivation. and then we go right back into him being flirty because he’s covering up his ptsd with fun “But for a few night fun is my mission” oh me oh my that’s very attractive he sounds so awkward talking to frollo im going to cry  “there is no time for rest and recreation,” poor guy

Rhythm of the Tambourine -  “flash of an ankle flip of a skirt...come see me dance, hey what can it hurt?” I just love how she sings this part its so well done the dance break music is amazing. it’s just so nice and a great vibe.  “this girl who is she” the layers!!!! all three of them doing it in rounds!!! I love it!!! “she dances like the devil//she dances like an angel//an angel” AHHHHH beautiful, great way to show the differences in characters “but with such fire// such fire” I am in love with this line oh my gosh. like frollo is thinking about hellfire and pheobus is just like heart eyes i am also in love with esmeralda thank you

Topsy Turvy pt. 2 -  “aren’t you going to join in on the competition?” she’s so cute and pretty and i love her “we asked for the ugliest face in paris and we found him, aye?” love  “eeev...ry..bod...y”  “Hail to the king....oh what a king...girls give a kiss...we’ve never had a king like this!” just so much fun to sing 

Into Notre Dame -  “how could you do this to me?” more manipulation  “like a begger recieving an alm.” i love a good simile “the light of notre dame” I love the way she sings this, it’s just so good 

God Help the Outcasts -  “were you once an outcast too?” i love this because the answer is yes. Jesus was treated as other because of His teachings. He was most definitely an outcast, literally cast out of so many different towns. And He does listen to her prayer and it just makes me so emotional.  i literally...there is nothing wrong with this song. everything about it is beautiful.  “God help the outcasts or nobody will” chills every single time “I ask for love I can possess. I ask for God and hos angels to bless me” right into “I ask for nothing, I can get by” I LOVE IT SO MUCH it’s so beautiful.  the chorus of this show deserves a raise “but I know so many less lucky than I” really helps to show Esmeralda’s character a lot I think. 

Top of the World -  such a beautiful song like I could write the entirety of this song here because I love it so much I love the saints part so much the part when the saints are singing and esmeralda are singing is just beautiful especially the part “here at the top of the world(E)//look at you sitting at the top of the world(S)” “the two of us sitting/the two of us sitting/the two of you sitting” right into “On top of the world!” one of my favorite parts of the entire show oh my goodness. The way Quasi, Esmeralda, and the Saints all blend together so well is just askjhfklafkj

Tavern Song -  I can’t not dance to this song oh my it’s so so so fun.  just like the melody especially during “in the dark of the night, in the dead of the winter...come keep me warm until morning” I LOVE  It gives me very much Jack and Rose vibes from that part in Titanic “with the taste of the wine, hold me close while we’re dancing, but I hear you sighing, winter is dying, you’ll keep me warm until morning” HER VOICE IS SO GOOD the cross between the tavern folk singing and frollo singing in the Hellfire tune is just so good. just so good. i’m going to cry this show is beautiful.  the fading “come keep me warm until morning”s is UGH so good

Heaven’s Light -  When I tell you how much I adore this song.... his voice is just so soothing. the little flute thing in the background is just so sweet the way he sounds so happy the first time he says “Heaven’s light” i love him so much “but” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i cannot  “I swear it must be heaven’s liiiiiiiiiiiiiiight” one of my favorite notes in the entire show i swear it’s so beautiful also the bells of notre dame going right into Hellfire....ICONIC

Hellfire -  One of my favorite villain songs ever. Especially in this version, you can really hear his inner turmoil over Esmeralda. and i just love it.  from the get go, frollo is trying to put him above everyone (”you know i am a righteous man”, “so much purer than...”) and yet he is still struggling with lust like everyone else...he’s still a sinner “i feel her, i see her, the sun caught in her raven hair, is blazing in me out of all control” SO GOOD  “Like fire, hellfire” go look back at what he says in rhythm of the tambourine because it’s the same thing and i just “is turning me to sin” blaming esmeralda for his own sinful thoughts. it is not her that is turning him to sin. he is sinning of his own accord. but also the desperate way he says sin is always so interesting  “it’s not my fault, i’m not to blame, it is the [roma] girl, the witch who set this flame! It’s not my fault, if in God’s plan, he made the devil so much stronger than a man!” I really really love this series of lines so much. I can’t really explain it, but especially that last part. it just breathes a supposed “holy man” who can’t accept that his sins are his own and caused by himself so he’ll blame every single other thing other than himself. i’ve known too many people like this. “protect me maria, don’t let this siren cast her spell, don’t let the fire sear my flesh and bone” just so good. I love the voices in the background.  “destroy esmeralda and let her face the fire of hell, or else let her be mine and mine alone” he would rather condemn an innocent woman than confront his own sin. again, so many people are like this today. it’s just so thrilling to see that mindset condemned in media. also, patrick page is amazing  “hellfire, dark fire” the tone switch from him being scared of the hellfire the first time he said it to now he’s using it as power (how many of us have had hell weaponized against us? raise of hands?) is just so frightening and amazing all at the same time “God have mercy on her, God have mercy on me” I cannot tell you how much I love this line. it is phenomenal, especially the way Page sings it. I think that it is one of the central lines to his character (along with the “wicked shall not go unpunished” which i’ll probably talk about later) just the emotion he has in his voice when he says this line....chef’s kiss. especially with the next line (”but she will be mine or she will burn”), it seems like he knows what he’s doing is wrong (hence why he needs mercy), but he’s going to do it anyway

Esmeralda -  easily one of my favorite songs in this entire show. what an amazing end of act song oh my  the trumpets!! at the beginning!!! I love it!! “being under suspicion of sorcery, witchcraft, and the arts of hell” that is not actually why he’s arresting her which doubly means he knows that what he’s doing is wrong the tune of this song is SO GOOD I LOVE IT “these are the flames of Esmeralda...” this dude is obsessed with fire feels very much like the mob song from beauty and the beast “with the might of Notre Dame” using God in such a vulgar manner is blasphemous and frollo knows it. he’s using God’s might and strength to hunt down an innocent woman because he can’t control his own desires. I’m losing my mind “but the madam, that whore, denied it and swore by the saints, the saints of notre dame” i have no idea why but I adore this line and i love the way that it was song. I used to think that the madam was actually just esmeralda in disguise which made the next part of the song seem all the funnier the little lute strumming after frollo says “very well, we’ll set fire to it” because pheobus is having a change or heart “and he held the torch that crackled like the [woman’s] voice....and he knew this was the moment he must make a choice” this is why i like the play phoebus and not really the movie phoebus very much. i just love it  the chorus singing God help the outcasts in the background...amazing...chills “you’d throw away a promising career” Frollo’s desperate attempt to get him to comply  “God help the outcasts, or nobody will!” I LOVE THIS PART WITH MY WHOLE SOUL IT IS SO GOOD sometimes i’ll listen to this song on repeat just to hear him say this “you’re relieved of your patrol” “consider it my highest honor.” Iconic. just...so good. gives me very much “thank you for your consideration” vibes  the way frollo says kyrie eleison here is just so good frollo’s little speech is very cool with the chorus in the background I love Quasi’s little frantic verse there. you can hear his desperation in “fire, fire, smoke and flame” and then “is that all that I can do?” he wants to help his friend but he can’t and I know how horrible that feels phoebus part!!!!! I love it!!!! his voice is so nice!!! “with my career and body left for dead” nice, good, amazing.  “out there...” AHHHHHHH YES MOTIFS “somewhere she is lost//somewhere she is lost//Esmeralda!” love this bit so much  “the flames grow tall and sharp as fluer de lis” what a good metaphor, so good, so nice, I love the chorus they’re all amazing “all paris burns for esmeralda” now we’ve got burning again. are we talking about how paris is literally on fire because frollo is insane or is it the mob mentaility that is “burning” inside of them? good question.  “and still it all comes down to her and me” says three people. I love the melodies here. chills. so many of them. I love.  “the devil dwells in esmeralda//oh esmeralda//oh esmerlada//oh esmeralda” AHHHH again AHHHHHHH i love this bit (yes I know I say that a lot but its the truth) “wake up the city and sound the alarm!” good yes they’re all singing different bits and it’s growing and your heart is pounding until.... “these are the flames of esmeralda”  and then it all falls apart again oh my gosh it’s beautiful  until “the bells of notre dam!” and the “ah, ah, ah”s that I adore so much I love this song so much 

Entr’acte I can’t imagine how fun this would be to sing. it’s just a vibe Flight Into Egypt - I used to skip this song but I have since learned the error of my ways because i love it “then Quasimodo you can too” love that, just like he says it “and she gave it to you because she knows you’re smart” the fact that these are just part of his imagination so it’s really him telling himself he’s smart and i’m going to cry I love him so much “and this jewel must show where we’re supposed to meet” love his voice so much “it’s a map. it’s a map!” he’s so excited. he deserves the entire world.  “I’ll save esmeralda, her angel will be me,” brb crying  “for her I will be strong” still crying I love the entire end bit how their voices meld and the music swells all up until Quasi sings the last bit. it’s just so amazing

The Court of Miracles -  I’ve always loved this song. it’s so fun, but also sad.  “brother you’re there” YES  “but the dead don’t talk so you won’t be reveal what you found!” dead man tell no tales vibes “Not terribly different from bees in a hive” I love how erik says this line. claupin would be so fun to play oh my.  “where it’s a miracle...if you get out alive”  “any last words....i thought not *laughter*” obsessed with this  “but we must protect at all cost our secret, it’s our lives or yours!” and that’s the sad reality. that’s what makes this song sad to me.  “So you’re going to hang!” a lighter note as an end. very nice. 

In a Place of Miracles -  a few notes in and i’m already crying this song is so beautiful and i adore it. it makes me sad in a million ways but it also makes me so happy. the play did such a great job of making me love pheobus and esmeralda but also feel so, so bad for Quasi “but somehow you have made me someone new” yup i’m definitely crying “now i’m asking if you’ll let me come with you” you can’t see me but the tears are real “though our lives are tattered and torn, all i’m feeling now is reborn. i must be...” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Pheobus and esmeralda’s voices just meld together so well im gonna cry it’s so nice and as soon as the first chorus is over, the tears of happiness turn into tears of anguish because Quasi pulls up with his heaven’s light reprise and it tears my heart to shreds my heart breaks for him esmeralda and quasi singing at the same time gives me very much eponine and marius vibes from a heart full of love (we love victor hugo so much /sar) like the parallels in what the both of them are saying is just phenomenal “no more need for a heart of stone//better to have a heart of stone!” AHHHH STOP I LOVE IT AND IT HATE IT AT THE SAME TIME “that holds no hope in heaven’s light” stop i’m so sad and then the chorus come in and it’s just so beautiful “will we reach a friendlier shore, will we find a haven once more, where we’ll be in a place of miracles...” it’s so gorgeous “where’s my place of miracles//in a place of miracles” that sound? yeah that’s me sobbing in the corner and it builds again and i love it so much it’s just so beautiful 

Justice in Paris -  this is the least played song on spotify (by like hundreds of thousands) and I think that’s so funny but i think the chorus does such a great job here, as usual, because they just have that menacing sound to them

Someday -  another of my favorite songs. this one is hauntingly beautiful and I have so many opinions. get ready.  esmeralda is just so sad and you can hear it in every single word she says. god my heart is already breaking.  “that i’d live to see a day of justice dawn” i haven’t actually seen the stage version so i’m not sure if they have the part where she cries out “justice!” when quasi is getting attacked, but this part just hurts me to the soul because of that specifically. she cried out for justice and now she gets none. “and though I will die long before that morning comes, i’ll die while believing still it will come when I am gone” this line just hits so, so hard. i can’t even talk about it. just imagining her singing this and pheobus listening to her with tears in his eyes...nope i cannot...i will cease to exist and then he joins in and i can just imagine her feeling no longer alone because she’s hoping that it comes “someday” and he’s echoing it, assuring her that it will. I can just picture her trying to stay strong as she says “Godspeed this bright millennium on its way” but she can’t and so her words fall out as she’s saying “let it come” and she can’t finish but pheobus finishes it for her. “someday” and I can just see her breaking down. she’s going to die and she never gets to see it, but he assures her that it’s coming. and he starts it up again. he starts singing again, and I think that it gives her the strength she then needs to finish.  “someday, these dreams will all be real. Til then we’ll wish upon the moon!” of all the lines in the entire play, this is my absolute favorite. the way the sing it, the power they hold, their voices blending together so smoothly and perfectly. i cannot handle how amazing it is.  “one day...some day...soon” and just like that, i am sobbing. beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful. 

While the City Slumbered - i love this little song. it’s so pretty and fast and it just gives us exactly what we need to know. love. 

Made of Stone -  Now to the last of my favorite songs. (Finale doesn’t count because although I love it, it hate it). You wanna know which song has the top score of making me cry the most? That’s right. This one right here. Let’s get into it. the talking at the beginning is a yes from me. “I only make things worse!” felt that also, the sound of him sobbing ruins me. “how do you know what I believe, what do you know of me? what do you know of all the things I feel? you’re only made of stone” finally him acknowledging that they’re not actually real and all apart of his imagination. “who is it that you see, instead of seeing what I am for real?” imposter syndrome? I understand that. “this twisted flesh and bone” the EMOTION  “you’re a liar” bro i cannot physically handle this. i can’t. I will cry. I am cry “would that I were made of stone like you,” back to that place of miracles song. i just he’s just so desperate. the only thing he could ever trust has fallen. He has nothing left. he can’t even trust himself (because that’s really all the stone saints by) “shut my brain down, if I were senseless, I’d prefer it” i totally understand the feeling of this. so often when thing go wrong in my life, i would like to shut down completely and stop existing and I think that’s what makes this song hit so damn hard “another gargoyle on this turret, spitting rain down to the stones below!” there is so much passion in his voice I love it so much. michael arden deserves the entire world for this performance “i’ve waste my faith believing in saints of plaster,” OUCH “the only one worth believing in was my master,” OUCH AGAIN “he’s the one who never lied. he told me it was cruel outside. he told me that i had to hide. his words were cold as stone, but they were true.” i can’t describe how emotional these lines make me. because he’s right but also it is such a painful, hard truth. ugh, i  “not like you”  “take all the dreams you’ve stone, take all your lies and leave me alone”  “alright Quasimodo, we’ll leave you alone,” that one hurt because as someone who pushes people away when they’re self destructing, the most painful part is seeing them actually leave you. even though you asked them too. “you’re right Quasimodo, we’re only made of stone, we just thought that you were made of something stronger.” now that’s a mic drop That would cut so, so deep.  “never again to wonder what’s out there” m o t i f s  “let it remain unknown. and my one human eye forever more be dry until the day i die, as if I were made of stone”  such a beautiful, heartbreaking, real song that I think so many people can relate to. I know I can. I have cried to this song so many times. I love it.  also, he holds that note for so long i’m impressed.

Finale - this song is long so get ready for it.  the crimes that Esmeralda is guilty for are not the ones that she was originally hunted for. he switched up his story. “the sentence is death!” immediate kyrie eleison (which i think is for frollo and not esmeralda) she spits in his face like a freaking queen “esmeralda!” Quasi’s cry is just so heart shattering and emotional I am so sad “he could remain stone no longer” I love that “sanctuary! sanctuary!” with the victorious sounds in the background are just so amazing “hear me, people of Paris, how much oppression will you allow?” with the chorus singing Someday in latin in the background?? I am not crying again “someday, your patience will finally break. why not make someday come right now?”  that part is just chef’s kiss. I love it so much. also, that’s the last we hear of pheobus. I’ve always wondered if he died so someone whose been in/seen the play, could you tell me? quasi’s prayer to the saints is just so good. i just love it so much. so beautiful. and it being similar in tune to Heart of Stone and having the part “raining fire on the stone below!” is just so good and then the moment between quasi and esmeralda is just... “you are home.” “home.”  and then we go to the top of the world reprise. haha. haha. ha.  “in my eyes you are beautiful too,” comparing him to the beautiful morning “i don’t think...forever...” “you’re such a good friend quasimodo” “yes your friend” and then she freaking dies and i’m so sad and then the music changes so quickly and it makes my heart drop every time “because of you” cut deep “at last we’re free of esmeralda. now that she’s gone, a poison dies with her.” to the tune of esmeralda. bitch i would have thrown frollo off that roof too “here in our sanctuary...sanctuary” “sanctuary? no sanctuary without her”  “even...loved her.” “love? what do you know of love?” I adore this part because Quasimodo finally realizes that Frollo’s treatment of him wasn’t love. It never was.  “no. you are the weak one. you the wicked one. And the wicked shall not go unpunished!” I cannot explain the fire that this lights in my bones. it’s amazing. just so good. and then all the voices, like the saints, come in “the wicked shall not go unpunished. the heart of the wicked is of little worth. the wicked shall not go unpunished” and they’re no longer on frollo’s side (they never were) the rising voices as quasi picks up frollo and is going to kill him *chef’s kiss* “You don’t want to hurt me” “yes you do” so, so, so, so, so good. i can’t even explain. it’s just good.  in to the abyss below! damnation! “the world is cruel, the world is ugly” yes  “but there are times and there are people when the world is not” i’m not 100% positive, but i’m pretty sure that’s jehan again and that’s just so beautiful. “and at it’s cruelest it’s still the only world we’ve got” the bitter truth “out there” yup yup yup crying you can’t stop me The bit with the chorus singnig someday in latin and english...i literally cant handle it. it is so freaking beautiful. and the violin? the woman singing is an icon. the voices blend together so beautifully. I am overcome with emotion. i- Quasi singing the last “someday” and then the blending into the beginning song and ugh “but here is a riddle to guess if you can, what makes a monster and what makes a man?” with the entire ensemble? yeah, that one feels good.  and being left off with the “ah”s

yeah, brb, i’m going to go listen to it again.

[generic-hufflepuff1]

The Fun Part (Tma Analysis)

Heyo! Here's the part two to This, using the data from Here.  

Now in part one I give some of my rationalisation as to why certain Entities show up in statements less often than others.  

In this one I’ll just be pointing out some interesting things in what the numbers say and/or some rationalization for weird numbers or sometimes just making up a in universe reason for some of Jonny’s writing quirks (Like how if you look at the numbers Jonny just finds ideas for Hunt episodes harder to think of) 

Im gonna be breaking this down into seasons 

Season 1

In Season 1 the most frequent entities are The Corruption and The Stranger (8 episodes each).  

Both of these make sense.  The main antagonist of Season 1 is Jane Prentis and having looked at all the Stranger episodes* it is quite clear that it is Jonny setting up for future arcs and plotlines.  But that's the boring reason. The fun reason is that The Corruption is ready to perform its ritual and The Stranger is busy setting up for their own ritual and as a result there are plenty of statements within easy reach of Jonathan Sims for these two entities in particular, with two to four times the number of statements of the other entities.  

Other notable entities are The Spiral and The Flesh.  

Mostly just because they each get a couple more entities than is the usual as ten of the fifteen entities have between two to four episodes.  The Spiral gets a bit of a boost from Micheal popping up every now and then and that works for me.  The Flesh is a bit weirder I can't really think of a writing reason for it all I can say is that they tend to be quite striking and it's quite clear Jonny had a lot of fun with them and honestly that's fair.  But again, boring.  One reason could be that as mentioned in the other post there is a bit of a requirement for a statement giver notably they need to be desperate enough and you know still alive to go to the Archives, and these statements** are quite obvious as The Flesh has no patience for subtlety, but still enjoys the act of delaying the suffering.  

And the final segment “What's the Eye Doing?”

The reason i'm including this is because Ive noticed that the Eye is strange in that it is the most popular entity over all of the show but is not the most frequent in most of the seasons.  So Im just gonna keep an eye on it.  

The Eye shows up in three episodes: 12 First Aid, 23 Schwartzwald and 40 Human Remains,  and of these only really the Mag 23 is the only real statement about it I just find this interesting no real notes about it though.  

*1 Angler Fish, 2 Do Not Open, 3 Across The Street, 24 Strange Music, 28 Skin Tight, 34 Anatomy Class, 39 Infestation, 40 Human Remains

** 5 Thrown away, 14 Piecemeal,  17 The Boneturner's Tale, 18 The Man Upstairs, 20 Desecrated host, 30 Killing Floor

Season 2

Now sure this season has three entities (The Stranger, The Buried and The Spiral) that have more episodes than the others and I will talk about them but what stands out more than anything else is just how spread out it is. I mean with the exception of those three and the Extinction the rest have between two to four with half of them having four and Hell even The Extincion gets one.  This is by far the most fair the spread ever gets.  Here’s the spread:

6: Stranger, Buried, Spiral

4: Desolation, Dark, End, Web, Eye

3: Vast, Flesh, Corruption

2: Hunt, Slaughter, Lonely

1: Extinction

So Why the Stranger, Buried and Spiral

Again the Stranger is being set up for season three and are working on their ritual, not to mention the presence of NotSasha gives a sizable boost.  The Spiral is a bit stranger but at this point Micheal is still running around and this gives it the needed boost.  The Buried is the only one that is not immediately obvious, after looking through the episodes* it still baffles me, as far as I can tell it's due to the focus on the Tunnels.  It could be that Jonathan in an attempt to understand the Tunnels tried to find similar statements and as a result the trend developed.  

The Extinction?

So season 2 has the first mention of number 15, well maybe it does.  See the thing with most of the Extinction’s manifestations is that it could maybe be something else entirely.  The Extinction episode of the season is 65 Binary and might be the Spiral instead but the focus on a new type of life and technology means that it is very difficult to say really.  

What's the Eye Doing?

The Eye falls right into the average place in the hierarchy for the season with four episodes.  Those being: 53 Crusader, 60 Observer Effect, 62 First Edition and 79 Hide and Seek.  These seem to work to expand what exactly the Eye is.  As I said, season 1 kind of lacks this and here Mag 53, 62 and 79 bring up the weirdness of the archivist, whereas Mag 60 explores how the Eye can manifest.  But the Eye isn't special every single entity gets fleshed out in season 2.

*41 Too Deep, 50 Foundations, 51 High Definition, 61 Hard Shoulder, 66 Held in Customs, 71 Underground

Season 3

This is the run away season.  This one is similar to the previous one but it does skew quite wildly at its end to favour the Stranger, for entirely understandable reasons.  But ultimately is still quite fair with only The Eye and The Extinction fall outside the three to five range.  

So the Stranger 

The Stranger has ten episodes this season and why is quite obvious as the climax of the season revolves around the Stranger.  Not much to say here.  

Again the Extinction

Now my notes had 114 Cracked Foundation as one of the Extinction episodes but for some reason I can no longer find any mention of it on the Wiki so I have no Idea what happened here.  My guess is that in the wake of Mag 196 and 197 this particular entry got a lot of attention and the link with the Extinction removed. 

What's the Eye doing?

This is the first season in which the Eye starts to take up the main spotlight with seven episodes. However looking through the statements* and it does not really appear in the statements but rather in the pre and post statement drama, as Jonathan and Elias use their abilities.  So as a result the Eye ends up feeling very different compared to the other entities and we don't see the ‘Horror’ of it for a lot of the podcast.  

* 82 The Eyewitnesses,  92 Nothing Beside Remains,  105 Total War,  106 A Matter Of Perspective,  117 Testament,  118 The Masquerade, 119 Stranger and Stranger

Season 4

So season four is very, very weird in that the Extinction is the most frequent entity (tied with the Eye).  It does make sense as Jonny needs to catch the audience up on what exactly it is as it does not have the breath of work that the other entities have, so as a result Lucas spends his Time telling Martin about it. 

Other notable Entities

The Lonely is also quite popular this season with five episodes but that also makes sense due to not only the presence of Lucas but also Martin’s fall into the Lonely.  Other than that The Hunt only has one statement* that has to do with it’s ritual.  The combination of this and the Extinction’s frequency in this season and the hunts underperformance in other seasons (4 in season 1, 2 from season 2, 3 from season 3 and 1 in this season) means that it has just slightly one more episode than the Extinction.   I do cover my rationalisation for this in the other post (Here)

What’s the Eye Doing?

Leading the pack that's what.  This season also has what other seasons lack statements that the Eye features in.  Now this is probably Jonny finally having the chance to explore the concept properly as it is a bit harder to really understand, but in world it could be due to a combination of Elias trying to keep Jonathan blind and Jonathan trying to explore his new identity as a ful blown avatar and going about it like a baby gay, consuming all media surrounding the topic.  

*133 Dead Horse

Season 5

I debated not including this section but hell I'll just add on any updates if it's necessary.  

So in this one to (to no one's surprise) the Eye is the golden child in this season after a brief jaunt into a domain for each fear the focus becomes almost entirely Eye focused, and if you want to be technical you can just add the Eye to every single episode but I did not.  

The runner up

The Web is definitely making up good numbers especially with how the finally is turning out. 

Other notables

The Lonely, Buried and Spiral all get a little above average.  Why? Well Martin has to deal with some baggage from Season 4 and Gaslight Girlboss is still running around but the Buried is a bit weird.  Again I think jonny just finds it easy to write claustrophobic horror, but again thats boring.  So lets have a look* and when I did I noticed that all three of these (and the Eye and Web) all are in 167 Curiosity so that adds a bit to the count.  But other than that its clear that it’s easy to add the Buried on top of another entity so its clear that the Eye simply likes how the Buried spices up the other flavours of fear.  And then finally the Extinction and Slaughter only get one each (163 In The Trenches and 175 Epoch) and they are the compulsory exploration episodes and unless the finale really is a complete curveball this probably won't change.  

What’s the Eye Doing? 

Having the time of its god damn life.  

*166 The Worms, 167 Curiosity, 184 Like Ants, 185 Locked In, 195 Adrift

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so im once again randomly sad at 1:30 and honestly i hate it. i always seem to get really just down and upset during the early morning. (probably because i need to be sleeping) but this is stressful to be honest. im feeling a ton of guilt that i shouldnt even feel bad about. right, so we all know that im how old? a minor, and like.......im fine with that. im fine being this age. but like....i feel like im carrying feelings for things that dont even have to do with me. some people are like “yeah, i dont want minors interacting with my content” and for some reason, i always wonder if it has something to do with me. it doesn’t, but i feel this secondhand guilt for some reason, and it hurts. and i know it’s really selfish of me to do that, and im victimizing myself with this. i always obey the “MDNI” on people’s posts, but sometimes i feel like i did something bad. like with smut, specifically, i completely understand why people wouldn’t want minors interacting with that, it makes so much sense.

then i start feeling really upset about how i literally write smut, and read it. im starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me for having written smut, and had a specific audience read and react to it. i sometimes feel gross for just wanting to read smut. and a lot of the fandoms i read smut for may have the “MDNI” on it, which is fine, but after that, I feel this deep trench form, and it’s the worst thing. i just feel like im weird, and dirty for wanting to read smut about characters. and here comes the argument of me, a minor, reading smutty ass fanfiction about grown characters, in some scenarios. of course, i imagine myself older, above legal age, but that doesn’t stop the nasty feelings I feel. and with characters that are my age, or around my age, like with my hero academia, like sure, i crush on sero and everything, but i feel awful about reading smut for him. or even thinking about smutty things.

this also briefly dips into how i interact with my mutuals’ fics, particularly the smuttier ones. i think ‘oh god, am i being gross by interacting with this’ and i know that if they have an issue with me interacting with their fics, they would say it, clearly, and explain what needs to be explained. and i love that. but i always feel like im the weird one here, like im the odd one out, i guess because of my age. and i absolutely love and appreciate that they’ve created a safe space for me. it’s just an internal thing that’s really bothering me. and i absolutely love my mutuals as well. and i know that they also love and appreciate me, i guess i just feel that guilt.

and i know that it’s completely normal for kids my age, and teens to think about, and sometimes desire sexual things. and i know that it’s fine to explore those thoughts. sometimes, though, i just feel like im being a hypocrite. i. e. some shoes marketed towards teens, such as euphoria, and riverdale (off the top of my head, not biased) portray teenagers that might not be accurate. i don’t know what it’s like to be y’know present in a high school, and there, but for my own experiences, at least, i feel like it’s not true, or at least not in all of its glory. im like the outlier for a lot of that stuff. and i know it probably exists in some places, but i feel like this is how society views teens, and what they expect from us. i feel this odd pressure to be everything that society expects me not to be. and on some posts and stuff, i see what seems to be a bit of a disdain for kids of my generation, or at least gen z and i just kinda freeze and panic. i go “oh god, do they think this of me” “do they hate me” and i know that they don’t but it’s this lingering thought of “this is what they think of other kids in the same group as you”. i know it doesn’t represent the entire view but i just feel like i cant say anything, or bring it up. it makes me feel like im the problem.

anyway, i feel like i can’t do some of the things that i want because im scared of what people will think of me. like, sometimes i just feel hot, y’know and of course, send nice photos to a pal or two, but i’d never post that shit publicly. why, you might ask? because im a minor, and just because i feel nice about myself doesn’t mean that i need other ppl being gross about it. some people always say “these teens are always posting stuff all over social media. they share everything on there.” one, yes, we do, some people should know better. but also, two, this is new, people are being misled, mistakes are going to happen. plus, when you dont have that outlet to do other things, you go where you may feel safer to do something. it may not even be the best choice either. i agree that teens shouldnt post everything to social media, but i also believe that we should be allowed to make mistakes too? and have a bit of fun (where it’s morally correct, im not talking about driving people to suicide, or posting nudes (or semi-nudes on insta when you’re 13, that’s just wrong) anyways. i just feel like i cant do anything bc im gonna get shit for it, and further promote an agenda, but at this point im kinda starting to tear myself down about other people’s opinions, and that’s shitty.

also i feel like teens cant do shit in GENERAL, but that’s another conversation for another fucking day.

i always try to keep my opinions and everything at bay, because i hate when conflict is directed at me. and i dont like the panic of waiting for someone to text, or message me when i had what could be considered a hot take. i feel like i cant disagree, or think differently. or even sometimes just speak my mind because im scared of the repercussions. so i kinda just shut up, and stay in my little corner, and i absolutely hate that. but i also dont like being vocal about my opinions because of the fear that it produces.

and also sometimes some of the shit that people come up with im like......okay, i feel like i cant joke about. like when i talk about “MILF dennys” or “DILF buffalo wild wings” I DONT WANT TO BE A MILF, NOR A DILF. i dont even want kids, so ahaha. i say that shit as a joke.

kids, get future milf out of your bio, unless you put a “/j” or “/hj” after it. also, you don’t want to be a sex worker, or a stripper. im pro sex-work, but don’t look at that as your ONLY job option. that shit gets people killed, or tortured, and mistreated. if it’s a joke, it’s a joke, but it’s a dangerous choice, and it’s your grave bestie. and no, people contradicting you isn’t sexist, or misogynistic UNLESS IT’S LITERALLY THAT. people can be like “i think your opinion is a little harmful, ngl” and you can respond respectfully and be like “do tell, im open to  listen” and not go off about someone not supporting your choices. if it’s something that you can avoid, do it. IF IT’S ILLEGAL, DONT DO IT. like, prostitution is illegal where i live, so if yall try to do that shit, dont expect to be given special treatment. people already see kids, women, and sex workers as what? OBJECTS. you’re nothing to people who may be incarcerating you one minute, and calling you for a 5 minute hookup the next. it’s not empowerment to be on places, and letting yourself be groomed and taken advantage of by nasty ass people who need to be locked up. i understand that you should be able to do what you wan, and wear what you want, but there’s some disgusting people out here.

and it’s also the usual shit bothering me, the pandemic, school, my brother saying fatphobic stuff, yada yada. i want a HUG. and i need to sit in someone’s lap for god’s sake anyways.

im also pretty sure that it’s NOT normal to have this many extreme changes in mood. like i was fine earlier yesterday but as soon as i see one thing that hits too close, im upset so....anyways.

also yes i feel bad about this because i really need to talk to someone about these issues, instead of y’know, letting them pile up and haunt me until im emotionally unavailable because i hide my feelings. this is further promoting other people’s view of teens oversharing on social media. but to be honest, people are going to hate gen z, and teens for a lot of shit. and i cant stop them from doing that. i can, however, keep myself out of their line of sight and dont cause issues about it. anyways, im gonna go rewatch some invincible (wow 3rd time now). and try to keep my mind off of wanting to be in someone’s arms while we make out. :) 

[booksbookandmorebooks]

Things i loved about the little women 2019 movie.

Hello lovelies, im back with another review today of the amazing Little women 2019 adaptation. Quite honestly I have a bit of a history with this story as I have tried reading the book many times (as I'm sure a lot of you who follow me on other social medias will know) and each time I have sadly DNF’d it. I cant help but feel it severely lacking something, upon reflection I think it was a number things, one of which was I felt no relation to any of the characters and couldn't find any shared similarities, I did not enjoy the pacing and the slice of life style was a bit of a struggle to keep me engaged. So when attending the movie for the first time, I didn't Have very high hopes and was still unsure about whether it would deliver but wow, I can honestly sit back and say it was just beautiful. The cinematography, the characters, the stories, just everything. I fell in love. So much so I have now seen it 3 times, and each time has been just as much of an emotional roller coaster as the first! If you have not watched the movie yet I implore you, I beg you to do so as soon as possible!

So today im bringing you a list of things I really liked. If you enjoy this post please hang around for the second part of this review ‘’what I didn’t like about little women’’ which will be uploaded very shortly.  Without further ado, here we go!

The warm and cosy aesthetic.

This movie provides such a wonderfully cosy feeling when watching it, almost like you're watching your best friends living their day to day lives with how invested and entranced you are by the smallest of interactions and conversations yet, I had no prior introductions with the characters (in a positive way) no bond with them but some how due to this intense feeling I found I care about each of the girls almost instantly. I cannot tell you how that was achieved, whether it’s the beautifully warm aesthetic of that time period or whether its down to good script writing I cannot say for sure but what I did feel was just mass amounts of affection throughout providing me with some very strong opinions and views early on.

The movie has as I stated, a warm feeling but yet is also very hard hitting at times, very raw and emotional. Of which the director leaves all of these feelings at the surface so the audience feel it just as hard. This enables the audience to really sympathise and empathise with the emotions of the characters in various scenes, thus creating a strong bond of shared pain. Whether that be through the death of a loved one, unrequited romance, career frustrations, family arguments, money struggles and many more.

The themes explored:

I really enjoyed the different themes this movie explores and how it manages to achieve this in such a subtle way to. There is never anything too in your face or extreme in this movie, which is why its paced so perfectly. we see themes of war (the girls father is away for a good portion of the movie and we have a wonderful scene where the girls are huddled round their mother while she reads his letter from the trenches out loud and we see a very raw moment they all share) we see themes of classes in the community (the extremely wealthy shown through Laurie and his father) the working families through the marches and extreme poverty through the young single mother who the marches provide constant support for, and the most common I feel, is the theme of death. I will not go into too much detail but, just be warned this is a very very constant theme, due to the time period this book/movie was set in it is only to be expected when you think about it.

The cast:

Meryl Streep. That’s it, that’s the point. No more is needed. Meryl Streep.

The Girls:

Now we come to my absolute favourite part of this movie. every single one of the girls had their shining moment, a real moment where they had to look into themselves and find their inner strength and make some very hard but real decisions in their lives and the way they were all delivered was spectacular, the amount of emotion we see from the girls was so empowering in such a way that had you experiencing a real ‘’hell yeah!’’ moment for these characters.

Amy: Her speeches to Laurie, my favourite being the one about society's expectations of women and how they are not treated as equals and are only seen as prizes given to reward men. Her issues with love and marriage and her desire to marry well for her future, that she wants to independent, she wants to great at her art and will not settle for anything less, all of which was such a moment seeing her react to such a throw away comment from a man in such an strong manner was just a powerful thing especially given the time period when women weren't seen as anything of real value and potential. They were mothers and daughters, they were kitchen staff they had their place and it was not a place equal to a man, never understood higher. The idea was strictly inconceivable.

’’I want to be great or nothing.’’

Meg: The scene where she really discovers the meaning of unconditional love in regards her husband after we have seen them in a very hard position and seen fracture begin to form in their relationship due to money worries and the stresses of a poorer life style than she had previously known, a life style we see is a lot less giving than we see her friends are blessed with. This ultimately leads meg to experience a lack in judgement, jealousy and resentment, but then we are able to see her redemption, We see her accept the selfishness of her actions, right the wrong she has caused through her thoughtlessness and welcome her husband into open arms with love and support regardless of their struggles. A really beautiful moment for the both of them.

Beth: The scene on the beach with Beth and Jo was definitely a stand out one for me, when Beth is pushing Jo to further her career as she knows how strongly Jo feels about writing . she is able to see through her sisters stubbornness, forget her own personal fear and troubles and do this one last thing for her sister, help inspire her to achieve her dreams. Which is one of many scenes that bought a tear to my eye, and just shows the immense strength Beth has after being seen as the weak and quiet one for so long, if anything this scene is a testament to that, and I see it as proof she is the strongest out of them all. She has her head screwed on the tightest and when faced with an impossible situation she chooses to help the people who mean most to her through the hardest of times instead of showing an ounce of fear or self pity.

Jo: Now lets be honest here. Jo has so many empowering scenes there are too many to list so I am sticking once again with my personal favourite...

When Jo sells her hair for help her family and mother

we see her strong and fearless in the face of others and throughout the movie. Characteristics she is renowned for, she knows what she must do for her family and she does it, she does it without a second thought and expects no praise. She takes seemingly, on the chin. but yet when doors are closed we see her become so much more human and fragile about this situation and pine for her femininity . Something she has shown no care or thought for prior yet through this scene it becomes apparent that Jo, behind this strong facade is still a woman, and all women want to feel beautiful, which I know is something we can all relate to. Jo has always been the character people want to be, shes strong, determined, career driven shes the ideal independent career woman but yet through this specific scene she becomes that little bit more human and that little bit more reachable.

And there we have it. Due to the length of this post I will be separating my review into two parts as I stated in my intro. I hoped you enjoyed this first part and have a fantastic few days, ill see you soon.

[lesbiansastiel]

i asked my gf who’s never watched spn to tell me what these pictures of spn characters make them think:

he has very bad promo pictures

ofc its sam! .. is that sam?

your favourite, theres at least 8000 lgbt headcanons for him

he definitely peels apples before eating them

no idea

he looks like hes in a cereal commercial

propably plays fortnite???

oh my god what the fuck

his parents needed money so he was forced to do promo pics for a school and if u uncrop this picture hes holding a backpack and a book that says like. ABC

haircut is making me think thats young sam but im not sure

me: that is young sam

ok cool!

thats a homophobe. i know a homophobe when i see one

me: the actor is

i know that thats dean, leather jacket looks smelly

i dont like or trust him bc his voice is too low, no offense

but he was funny in that episode when they thought they were... when they were the actors, i like that they shamed the actors (jensen ankles?) trailer

i always assume hes dead, every time i see him im like oh fuck hes not dead yet????

he looks like he dies first in a zombie game protecting the protagonists daughter

opens beer cans with knives (stabbing them from above)

has touristy fridge magnets

hillbilly neighbour that just stuck around

later: OH HIS NAME IS bobby

um........ lost journalist from a chick-flick

looks too enthusiastic to be in this show

name starts w an R and dies dramatically and causes trauma for multiple people?

me: its charlie

oh....

me: do you know who that is?

shes the one that causes angst in ur fanfic? someone’s ex? writes paranormal articles- like someone who works in a pokemon centre and takes care of the reporting to the media i know this is not true but that’s how it should be based on characted design

why.. what is that shirt

she looks like she’s from twin peaks but like a weird 90s techno nostalgia version

probably not real, but someones hallucination, like a little sister that someone lost and then hallucinates coming back?????

me: that’s jess.. from my fic

oh no im so sorry, i thought that the previous one was that one

then thats like a college person who sam did like drugs and beer with and they were happy and then she died.. tragic :(

umm öööööö, uhhhh

kinda looks like a serial killer, like a bad one who hasnt killed anyone in years so his face is tired. he wants flesh

um,i say um to everyone im so sorry

he has a conflicted expression

i think he’s sassy or just tired of everyone

no idea who that is.. i just feel sorry for this character idk why

*laughs*

a 12-year-old who got a toy gun for christmas bc hes american

hes gay probably and pretending to like guns so his dad doesnt get disappointed

for real, in this show, a young new hunter and messes up and then does one heroic thing and dies immediately after?

this looks like the perfect love interest who dies dramatically and is relationship with an important man character whose controlling when she wants to be independent and doesnt want to hide in a basement like the man wants her to

me: ??????????????????

she also looks like a cop like every woman in this show somehow but her character design is too soft to be a tv cop woman lady

2009 hair

probably a cop?

is styled in a way that always looks way too make-uppy and probably wears heels to work bc this is a bad character design show

me: shes not a human i can say that much

then shes a demon bc thats what all the women are in this show, theyre all demons

i hope shes not evil, this might be trap she looks friendly but that isnt the truth

this looks like a slightly messy and like, bohemic twin of the reporter that works in a pokemon centre

is probably rich

lots of anger that is not showcased in this picture

clenched fists

all in all, suspicious

probably supposed to be related since theyre in the same picture and different ages but they dont look related at all

they look like they’re from teen wolf

and probably would star in a scene where they see that someone has key’ed their car and theyre like fuuuuck

i think this character is supposed to be a cool friend woman whose not supposed to be super feminine and love-interesty bc shes wearing plaid and drinkin beer but they Failed

probably a werewolf

also is she wearing nothing under that plaid what is this...

me: oh fuck why is this picture so HQ compared to the rest...

it’s bc he’s an angel

obscene amount of powers that seem useless bc if he actually had Power they wouldnt need this show and he could just figure everything out

i know that people wear those annoying pins that say theyre waiting for an angel in trench coat. but i dont think he’s ever going to come :(

i think his name is castiel and mishaapocalypse happened w his face

and i saw his face taped to a mcdonald door in a small town in finland

yet another teen wolf character

looks like a suspicious teenager who lives in a town where they (the brothers) stop to get gas and he’s hanging out at the gas station

hes like heyyy youre not like other people here are you perhaps... hunters bc my mom died and now my house is haunted

daddy issues

me: correct

um. another beer lady. probably, people have decided, a lesbian

looks like a stock photo of someone eating salad at a rural setting after a hard day at work milking cows

also somehow looks like works in a lab

is related to the weird open-flannel-no-t-shirt woman (the beer one), probably her mom

thats all

um. major demon

probably has a scene where she tries to kill someone with a knife seductively

hated in the fandom and in fanfic someone who tries to steal deans man (which is stupid bc deans a homophobe anywaY)

also looks like fantasy show self-insert but evil

me: i think that’s a teenager

welcome to my twisted mind

im sorry...

happy

which is making me think that he probably dies, sadly.

probably takes care of an older family member

has some demon problems

that’s all

post-apocalyptic show character where theyre trying to have something else than 40yo white hilbilly men bc thats not media sexy

i hope that she doesnt die but probably does bc shes not a major character

me: can i reveal something i know

yes please

me: her and the blonde that you called demon had a thing canonically

cool!!!!

probably lives in a ranch that has no electricity due to demon problems

me: :D

and still does her hair somehow

uuummmm this looks like someone’s weird flashback version that is supposed to look like a teenager but actually looks older

me: uhh this is a bad picture let me find a bettter one

me: there we go

looks like this character needs a cowboy hat

probably writes dean’s name in her diary??

COMPHET

thats all

[tombscum]

i was arrested for being into the tcc

FELLOW TCCS, PLEASE HELP ME!

i was arrested for a false allegation, and was charged with a misdemeanor of "threatening to shoot up school." what a fucking life.

the police barged in my apartment at 3:00 am, waking up my mother, stating NOTHING except “we are here for the arrest of (my name removed)” 

my mother asked under what charges before anything was done and the officers did NOT explain any details under what charges, we were left clueless, yet, i did obey what they asked of me and allowed them to cuff me and take me to the juvenile department or whatever the hell. (remind you i am 13 years old.) 

they questioned me with the dumbest questions, still totally avoiding telling me what i was actually arrested for, which im pretty sure is illegal.

this just goes to show, being in the tcc can fuck you up.

im still a dumb ass fucking columbiner, but yeah, ya boi got arrested because i made a post dancing to marilyn manson’s halloween, with the caption “it’s time” referring to halloween, being it was the 2nd day of october, and the police took it as a hint that i was gonna shoot up my chump ass middle school. i’m all over the news! ya boi a criminal, yo, any hybro bitches wanna fucc now? my dick is always ready ;)

what started as a rumor, due to my recent purchase of a trench coat, and the already stated fact i was in the tcc lead to my ultimate arrest! i’m facing 10 days suspension and looking towards expulsion, it is outrageous. i’m only 13 years old, and- i just- we are all baffled beyond belief. and the news reporting me on these false charges is even using INCORRECT PRONOUNS to describe me, when they know im openly a transgender male. which is RIDICULOUS. they even explained how they didn’t care, that i was still a female to them. 

WHAT “EVIDENCE” THE POLICE HAD:

- image of columbine shooter, dylan klebold compared to my face, image stating “same person.” as we were wearing similar shirts and have the same hair style, this was intended as satire. completely just a meme.

- video of me stabbing basketball, goofing off with friends, knife used was a kabar knife, used traditionally in military, was NOT my weapon. the video was taken because we were 3 boys, holed up in a house, just goofing off, no harm intended. (i WAS wearing a trench coat in the video, but i do take a huge interest in fashion.)

- the video i was actually ARRESTED for was a video of me dancing to the song “this is halloween” covered by marilyn manson. ( song can be found in link.)

no harm was intended by any videos, they were posted on my private instagram account for friends and family to see, they all had ZERO correlation with one another, none representing a threat in any way. 

the truth was far stretched. my life has been ruined due to this horrible and malicious lie.

further information is that i will be getting a lawyer, and may be looking into suing whoever reported me and the news company. 

i don’t have a court date yet, but i am working on any new information that is currently attainable and isn’t taxing or liable for me to post.

the media also did their little “reports” on the case, which misgendered me and told FALSE information, making me out to seem like a malicious and heinous predator. 

x  this article misgenders me, and states i made verbal threats in video footage, which was never made or stated, they also include and make it seem as if i DID have plans of shooting up a volleyball game on tuesday. they also state i made a POST threatening to shoot specific students at around 11:00 pm, when i don’t have a phone, i use my mothers, she follows my social media, and i’m not allowed to use it past 9:00 pm. i fell asleep that night around 10:00 pm.

PLEASE, PLEASE, SPREAD THIS. I AM LOOKING INTO MANY FINANCIAL AND LEGAL PROBLEMS WHEN I AM INNOCENT, PLEASE. I CANNOT STRESS HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS. I AM IN NEED OF HELP, MY EDUCATION AND FUTURE IS AT RISK. 

my contact information is:

kingoftheyeee@gmail.com

THANK YOU

[thebirdandhersong]

little bandstand moments I cry over at 2 in the morning

(I mean. I cry over all of it but I’m trying to pinpoint specific parts)

donny’s constant drive and impatient, energetic, restless energy. he just keeps going and going and going and he doesn’t let himself slow down or all the memories and feelings just crash down on him, and the band learns to see it, and julia sees it too. it comes off as maybe aggressive at the start but it really becomes clear to her that constant activity is his way of coping

“you know any other guys? who served, but young, good looking? like us?” and ALL of ‘i know a guy’. it makes me super excited. donny is gathering the gang and I’m excited.

jimmy’s plaid pants and his bow ties I LOVE him

davy’s jokes and his shakespeare (oh gosh I love him)

“it’s a B FLAT TRUMPET”

the contrast between the obnoxiously cheerful ‘just like it was before’ and donny’s charged ‘finally home and finally safe and finally free’ in ‘i know a guy’

remembering that every single actor in the donny nova band had played their respective instrument in school/earlier in life and spent many hours learning how to play it again in preparation for bandstand.... and all of them KILLED IT

the fact that corey cott practiced piano for, like, 3 hours a day for half a year (I think ? feel free to correct me) after not playing for 15 years, so that he could play PIANO (JAZZ PIANO) EIGHT TIMES A WEEK FOR BANDSTAND IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE. the dedication astounds me

the fact that he wasn’t even NOMINATED despite this, and the tremendous heart and soul he put into bringing donny to life ?? 

oh yeah and the ‘ghosts’ hanging around all the band members... shadowing them and mimicking their every move.... that’s incredible imagery and it Hurts

and the ghosts that push donny’s piano. (that scene keeps me UP AT NIGHT)

ugh the stinging commentary on how hollywood/the media/entertainment often takes serious matters like war and simplifies it, or romanticises it, or tries to tell stories about it that they don’t understand/don’t belong to them/can’t be tied up in a pretty ribbon.......

“I just wanna know what happened” “and what do you think that will get you?” “sleeping through the night? closing a chapter?” OW

all the emotions julia goes through in ‘who i was’

june adams being supportive and loving and hilarious,,, being the best mama :’) (and the paprika..... bless her heart......)

johnny saying he has to transpose (on the DRUMS klsJ:FLK )

“sHE DOESN’T REMEMBER THE BRIDGE”

“kick it up, davy” “ugh, thank God”

the lyrics in ‘first steps first’, ESPECIALLY ‘”starting is daunting, too... trusting is something new... fearful your luck will be reversed, but I have a feeling I’d steady you if you tried"

All of ‘breathe’. everyone being fed up with each other, “it’s a good thing you’re one of the best, because putting up with you is an endurance test”, “I look to my left, I look to my right, and see other guys who fight the same fight, and during those few short hours of the day, the noise in my head goes away” IM CRYING

johnny’s little dance with julia !!

laura osnes’s voice in ‘love will come and find me again’. I have weirdly sensitive ears but she could belt full-volume right into my ears and I’d thank her 

davy when julia asks if he could give up alcohol and he says “I owe it to myself to try” with a smile that isn’t quite a smile and I just want to give all of them a hug can I not

nick needs a hug too. he really needs a hug

also WAYNE WRIGHT i just want that man to be happy. he’s so stressed the entire musical (I mean. honestly they all are) and I was genuinely stressed for him when he was cleaning his gun 

I get emotional every single time we hear the drums and then ‘there is a train’ like. please. this musical has conditioned my tear ducts to react immediately to certain phrases and I can no longer think about trains without getting choked up

‘RIGHT THIS WAY’ IS A MASTERPIECE AND YOU CAN FIGHT ME ON THIS

I’VE BAWLED MY WAY THROUGH EVERY SINGLE TIME I’VE LISTENED TO THIS SONG

COREY COTT’S PERFORMANCE IN THIS SONG ALONE DESERVES ITS OWN REWARD

THE EMOTIONS!!!!! the wonder (grand central station!!), determination, the anger, the desperate hope, the understanding of everyone’s pain and how they’ve waited for so long and how they want things to be right and good again and how they CAN DO THIS and they can make things right and good again

“right this way. we’ve reserved this just for you. you’ve been waiting for this day. it’s the least that we can do. let me take your bags my friend. you’ve been carrying those far too long. troubled times are at an end, and we’re waiting to hear a song” this is the part where I have to stop cooking or sweeping or whatever and take a Breather because my chest is starting to hurt and the CHORD PROGRESSIONS make me OVERWHELMED

“YOU’VE ARRIVED AT LAST, MY FRIEND. YOU’VE BEEN FIGHTING FOR FAR TOO LONG. AFTER BUNKS ON CARGO SHIPS, AFTER TRENCHES IN THE RAIN, AFTER RUNNING FOR COVER WHILE DODGING THE FLACK, AND THREE MONTHS AND EIGHT MONTHS TO FIGHT MY WAY BACK” COREY’S VOICE IN THOSE LINES MAKES ME JUST. BREAK DOWN

and then everyone joining together at the end. oh my heart. that’s a fantastic way to end act 1

julia’s iconic upside-down singing in ‘nobody’

julia playing ukulele in ‘i got a theory’ and donny and julia improvising together and the TRANSITION into the song 

johnny’s Incredible Math Skills

oliver being super not-subtle trying to help the donny nova band

“WE LOVE YOU CLEVE-LAAAND”

johnny saying he’s lucky because he doesn’t remember :(

the fact that julia has gone through So much and, from her point of view, has every right to quit the band after learning about how michael died, but looks at donny and the other boys and sees the pain they’ve gone through and the pain they’re still in, and she writes that POEM and she puts all her love and her pain into the words. and she looks at donny and she wishes she could take his pain away and I just. I JUST WANT A GOOD NIGHT’S REST

the piano in the first ‘welcome home’ and donny singing it for the first time and when the instruments all come in 

oliver giving them the tickets and everyone getting super excited and donny was crying and I was crying

‘this is life’. that’s all I got for you. all the Emotion and the harmonies. this song HURTS

(I love that they say that things in real life take time..... and that romance(TM) doesn’t solve all, the way it seems to do in movies)

wayne saying that julia and donny deserve all the happiness in the world

“this is life, with the craziness of, the reality of, the necessity of being madly in love with you” THANKS!!!!!!!! NOW I’M CRYING AGAIN

all of ‘welcome home (finale)’ is just. *chef’s kiss* I think about the fact that the band has probably never heard the original lyrics and their reactions are their first-time reactions and I just... I love julia trojan okay???? I just love her and I love how she tries to love them all and I love that she stands on that stage and FIGHTS FOR THEM ALL with her voice. it’s a love song, it’s a battle cry, it’s julia saying, “and I stand here, helpless, my arms extended, knowing full well, darling, your war’s not ended. WELCOME HOME”

there’s a thousand more things but i’ve tired myself out with just this list. bandstand is a fantastic musical and I would (and could, and will) cry over it again. I haven’t even mentioned the INCREDIBLE music and the choreography and the lighting and the sound effects when donny has a flashback/a panic attack and the respect and the consideration and care the cast put into accurately portraying PTSD and the veterans’ experience post-WW2 and the costumes. it’s such a beautiful work of art and i just love it so much :’)

[itsamberfam]

hello everyone

well here i am and all that i have left. for years i've had a tumblr and i hardly ever use it. i don't want to complain but i have reached a point in my life where i have no where to go, no one to talk to. im 20, i suffer from G.A.D (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and last fall i was also told i am currently undergoing some sort of stress induced psychosis (believe me it didn't a therapist to tell me that). i went through 3 sessions of therapy (all i could afford) and it helped for a bit. my therapist was a very sweet woman with the pinkest aura i've ever seen, someone when you meet you can tell they care about people. which is hard to come around in the town i live in. it sucks being trapped with the visions and delusions and paranoia with no one here to help. i have a boyfriend, i've known him since we were in the eighth grade. we've been dating three years next week. but all has fallen. bad. i don't want to get into that though, nobody wants to hear the moans and cries of a shitty relationship. but what i will say is that i have never met anyone who when you look at them, you know they are your soulmate. and that's him. i knew that when i was a small 13 year old little shit. and that's saying something. my heart hurts. my head hurts. i wish i could make it stop. i've come here as sort of a way to get all this out. to vent to strangers because i'm tired of feeling so alone and trapped. they say social media isn't the answer to emptiness. well it's a shot in the dark. so, i'd like to apologize to those who are reading this and only have ill regards. i do not mean to pester you. but to those who are reading and seem to care. thank you. as i sit here typing this, it's hard not to run away. or even at this point kill myself. i am beyond the ocean. i have drowned long ago. my only wonder in the world is what is real? why do we humans exist. what is my point here, what is my purpose. it freaks me out to wonder these things. it disturbs my consciousness and makes me wonder about the afterlife. what it holds for me, for you, for all of us. what is out there on the other side? what dimension do we leave to? or are we forever trapped as this energy refueling memories with each life we take again. was i once a man? was i once an animal? do i not remember those events in the for front of my conscious but hidden with my unconscious or subconscious perhaps. why does my mind feel like a never ending acid trip. if someone could wake me up from the nightmare im living and place me elsewhere i would be okay with that. religion. oh religion. blessed be. i find myself struggling for a path. i was raised christian now considered and practicing wicca. trying to find a way to connect myself with our worlds forces unseen. i wish to see the truth in our world. for i believe in those mythical beings. the old ones, the ones that everyone tells you are bedtime storys. "Yet, there are many terrors on the Way to the Self, and an Abyss to cross before victory can be declared. Demons, vampires, psychic leeches, ghastly forms accost the aspiring magician from every angle, from every quarter around the circumference of the magick circle, and they must be destroyed left they devour the magician himself." i have been on a journey for a long time to find my Self. her name is Whyte. she resides in my head. in the mountain across the trench. my dreams have been following me and pick up where they leave off since I was 11. my id the one who represents a lot of my misfortunes and struggles represents himself in my dreams as a demon named Malachi. i have learned to deal with him. i have learned his ways and his reasons. yet now a darker more powerful unnamed visitor has taken his place. and yet who i find by my side is the representation of the sibling i always longed for. George, who resides also in my mind. he sicks by my no matter what happens. but is also there to kick me when i need it. where all of these individuals who live in my mind came from, well as psychology puts it; probably from emotionally damaging experiences which cause a manifestation of identity's to cope with the events. the voices who reside here are also from that as well. there is not much else left for me to say, as you can see i am very scattered brained. i was told that if my condition does improve i will face the likeness of schizophrenia developing by the age of 30. so, whoever took the time to peer in my troubled void. bless you. may fortunes come your way. as for me, ill return to this life. and only hope.

[failinginvestigativejournalist]

Dont freak out, itss just writing

i grew up fast (so fast) (too quick nigga) (wish i went through when i was just a bit bigger) can you tell me who the parent is uh ya the first time i drove a whip i was a fuckin kid, (96 suburban nigga) (yo yo, did you tell em why) oh ya shit my fault my mom was bleeding from her chin i dont know what from or what about, scared to death i took that drive to the ER (Medical SHIIIT) (mom got too drunk again and feel out) (wheres dad? in his room his doors locked, figures i dont expect, as i try to knock (no answer nigga) i dont blame em he removes himself from the sitiation so he dont hit her) ya i fucking grew quick, ya i fucking tryed some shit, the first time i dropped out and took some shroomies i was age 6 plus 6, thats 12 for the illiterates, actually aas a matter a fact it was fuckin pleasant as fuck as i drew back the droe and took another hit. now that i think that was the day, older brother came and gave me cig i obliged no way to say nay, i was still trippin and it was a sensational feelin, it left me stumblin and dizzy a head rush like no other i was hooked for live to the day and i dont blame him, i dont think he knew what he had started, adding to the compilation of the monsxter inside that took refuge and started, poison in his mind, the drugs altered his brain activity but he was buckled up and commited to the ride.Shit i just said in third person let me apologize to yall sometimes the ideas flow together like two fortune five mergin, these feels of hate be strong ya im hurtin, i cant blame no one, i cant choose the family i was birthed in, started sniffin ups felt my blood surgin, gotta big head but my nemisis, the evil inside myself was bigger aboutt the size of a white sturgeon, like some northern ish that canadain shit like british columbia or somethin idk, alls i can say is that BC bud out that bitch is my fav to blow, the sour D, diesel to be exact for you niggas who waana try to nit pick or correct my personal facts, let me just speak at you,  all the hatin niggas tryin bring me down, bad news, i do drugs like steve from fuckin blues clues, but my rents always on time when that xshits due, any ways i side tracked speaking of tracks just lined some shit up did with speed did with need i did it with tact, im dextrous and shit i always have a unique train of thought oh shit trains again trains derailed at this point hhaaha i crack myself up sometimes with the wit in my words leh-let you in on the pun so you can join in my fun, about the lines the lines are no more you didn arrive in time i promise these raps have rhythm they have rhyme i aint spittin to waste your time, i aint spittin to catch a dime, bag or bitch, it really dont matter, niether last long but they are still my niche, come here bitch come hit this shit, this time dont have a fit, mind over matter just stick yuh nose in these rails sit down for a bit, drink some wata, go to your happy place we are gettin to old for me to have tote on yuh just from hitten lines but i put up wit it, you got that 50 thou boat on yuh, not to mention your ride, that shit is so sweet i cant decidddee which id rather seed, as in inseminate with my seaman as i play the part as a seaman workin for seimans on a marine voyage i aint like you im a higher being, i dont know whatchu talkin whatch your eyes be seein i am a divine heathan i really cant fucking believe a niggas still breathin im a florida boy born and raised, i sit the fuck back drink my beer in the shade, high as i usually am a rinny tin tin rinscotts tale \down the rintin like a shark fin poatched by commercial fisherman thrown in a bin, no regard for life the human race is so greedy, people just aint my type, say what you want i know me best and i know im right. my creative talents on the other hand be outta sight, im my own worst enemy to cross the bridge pay the fee, trollin in the hood for that g, withdrawin, shakin i drop to my knee look up to the sky ask god if he sees. hear the sound of humming, huh must be bees, or im trippin out maybe its a flash back i dont remmember. whats th-this street, tremblin think my heat skipped a bit, or a couple shakinso bad my knes begin to buckle, anxiety can be dibilatated held me back from so much in life thers no debating. unfamiliar route. made it to this bar ordered a stout got to thinking, you may ask what about, this is why i like solitude to be on my own to answer to noone to depend on myself and live it to the fullest while im yung, my mind will reel, replaying all i know every single memory, that im capable of bringing back, i compare my brain to a file cabinet, i keep it hidden like in an office towards the back. A photographic memory is a gift and a curse, ill tell you whatat, if you dont keep it in check you will end up in a herse, sure you can remember the happy shit the good things in your life but you cant fucking forget the huge hits the fucking bad bitch the one who broke your heart? dounno how to forget you but i think i know where to start, i thought it was drugs, i numbed my body with chemicals little did i know with every shot the metaphorical shovel scooped out some more dirt from the inconcievable whole i fuckin dug. my life has been weird kinda like an opriental from a flee market an awkward rug, with no real spot in the house, was always the black sheep in the fam i tryed to tip toe as quiet as a mouse, some tom and jerry shit my mistakes and regrets cbhasing me around like tom the cat from that shit, I hide in my hidey whole, disconeected from any social environmeent i often found myself cryin, but self loathin is kinda like being a a gay with some dicks hes blowin, givin a ski job pitty is the lube hatred is the tube the vessel to carry out a deed the fags not sure about, hes experimentin comparable to some situations in my life cept wont catch me with two dudes in a shower, that was just a metaphor. you feel me? im sure the haters will hop all over that verse but just fuckinh hear me. I got my shades on and these bitches special, haters they block, they keep you no fun, sticklers out of sight out of mind like spf 75 sun block, that industrial shit, factory born hear the lunch bell on the horn, an  hour passes the busy bees come back to the floor to join the others to join the masses; the hoard., here the hum of the worker bees at work as they sneek rum in there flasks stuck it in to the hive got it past the queen time to catch a buzz to make this pain stop while i avoid the fuzz the narks at work, cant control it even if they wanted to stop. i dont want to hurt. this was a metaphor for the endless rut of a reality ive become accustomed to; succomed too, the low of the low. comparable to a german trench on the frontlines., my life feels like a conveyer belt, makin the same product running the same direction never really goiong any where, now thats was an analagy, keeping up? yung unsensitive how many? 0 fucks, 0 fucks giveen, 0 blights forgiven, spiteful to death and mornful for noone, nothing left inside just another no-go, malfunctioning product family be like feeling “ i feel like they robbed us” of our brother our son and our friend , dont worry fam im still with you in your hearts up to the end. im tired of our society with all its malice and fallacy, thinking to my self how sad it must be, to be washed in the brain to be hypnotized, this shits so insane.you want that shit super sized? of course nigga watchu you sayin. A glutonous society obsessed with self indulgence people actually still believe good people are in abundance. Speaking of which, fuck the people for a tec, have you looked around lately, this earth is a wreck, mark my words we headin straight for destruction, We are not being good care takers, we fuckckin actin so careless what doesdo the opeople in power really expect?? just pass it on to the next generation “ohh, its not our life time we will leave it for you” Thats a big fuck you to the generations after you undeserving self entitled fucks finallyy croak. get the fuck outa here, tell me when you sold your sold, you heartlesxs bastards would give anything for xsome more of that paper thgat rules all, the pressure you have put on everyone, no one is an exception, to support ourselves and loved ones to provide for our own and multiple other peoples nees, the urge to make money looms over our heads like a pestiliant storm cloud of angst and uncertainty, boreing a fucking whole in our moral, making peoplpe desperaate rising crime rates because people get desperate, people need to survive and they will do dam near whatever it takess to make the money they need, for whatever purpose.  ill whipe my ass with it throw in your cards i will win you better fold. i have freeedom, you ask what? anominity you fuckers, i can moldd my own life i have the freedomm of choosing, i certainly dont have to wait for legislation to pass a bill which you bribed for votes to do so anyways, to do something something much worse than im capabloe of ever doing, intentionally ruining the environment and turning our planet to mars just for paper with and idea (with a “hey, take our word for it, its worth something “””WE PROMISE”””” fucks) behind it not even gold bars, fuck you niggas mark my words illl bring all you mother fuckers down, ill run you fucks out of town, you hear that sound? its a train. its my passion and my determination to take you out, maybe ill use a fuckin plane? i mean its o.k. for the CIA to do it, right? Create this ridiculously elaborote ruse this plot, thyat fucking fooled all the ignorant and brainwashed americans you have already sucked in with your cancerous propaganda, kids lost to your bullshit through social media and the fucking criteria you make teachers teach young minds, we are taught from a very young age that “ huraaahh america is number one! Terrorists bad! Environmental destruction of a planet good!” how about we help some of the third woorld countries (which you know we wouldnt have to be gunning down women and children in the streets) we could just like give them the water they need? help them gentrify there communities teach them how to develop better skills, teach them more efficient ways to take advantage of their land, maybe bring some seeds to food sources that can be grown creating a bit of self sustainability that may not be indigenous but would grow in their country?? you greedy fucks just want oil, when we have enough in our reserves in alaska/canada to last north america 500 years falsey blame others, create an imaginary war “the war on terrorism, which infact is a fucking cover a false entity, to entice patriotism to loosely keep this crumbling empire together the last attempt, the only thread left in the button holding up the pants we call america, you forgot to tell the word all that shit is just whack  [ simply a meticulously pplanned and executed ploy to spur interests in the middle east, control the oil and power will return back east, return to u, Cause god knows you tax the fuck out of us for EVERYTHING especially mnother fucking gas, so we can pay for wellfare and pay for fucking solar power for rich fucks who e==inherited wealth, people who hdont know what working a day means and never will be, never had a problem, never been broke “oh shit my fucking croket set is missingg a ball” lose the pretense fuckers, you cocksuckers, arrogant low lives.. Money makes you any better then the hard working man that cover your tax breaks pay like our fucking ppolice forces (who are a bunch of ROTC drop outs with a badge and sense of power nnow being unfair and crooked taking some kind of revenge on the idea of the kids who picked on them all through out school” Motherfucker its harder to become a plumber, the learning and process is longer/more rigorous then a 6 month police academy which is fucking my lil pony world ( ith ink there is a fantasy kids show for my lil pony with their own fantasy dimension/world)compared to a military bootcamp.  A doctrine instilled to stop the spread of communisim wherever and whenever it may presenet itsxelf? when is the fighting going to stop in that area of our dying earth, thjey have been fighting eachother since lifes initial birth, what whoever was in power or in charge of trading the petroleumn to us wanted to charge an extra dollar 4 dollars  aBARREL instead of 3??? whaa you fucking greedy cunts,? so we invade and take control put there people on dog collars?? for wshat a dollar difference in productionfreedom of speech as you mothers suck the livlyhood from our home like a blood sucking leech, so careless, you know exactly what your doing, you just dont care it aint your problem your headin towardcs the end your death is brewin, well im the reaper of death cloaked in black i always get my man like a cold inwe can hardly co-exist and efficiently function. We are on world one love bob marley shit im getting tired of going throught the motions im all fucked up inside and shit. Early development can be a lynch pin. to either set a strong first corner stone, ceremonial placement of the first corner stone, free mason shit, corn and vegetable oil, so many customs and traditions are goin down a fuckin hill catch em rollin. Early  life is so fucking critical for a young kid, childrens minds are like a sponge they are looking up to their elders they are developing mentally they consume everything around them and retain more than you know, give your kids a healthy and stimulating environment and they will let there talents grow let there talents show let there brilliance flow let there inhibitions go, gone like dust in the wind, never catch em in trouble nothing, not one sin. They will begin to get older, be super organized, super focused for school, every class haxs a folder. As you watch them grow you will feel it in your heart you will fuckin kno, atleast you did this at least you used your parental guidance for good. when you die you know youll be missed, your kid dont throw fits, not one bit, hes such a chip off the old block that was cliche as fuck haha tuck em inh for bed his forhead you kiss. I just might fucking shed a tear, I cant fight this urge to drink a beer. I cant deny this fucking fear, I must look like just like headlights shinin onm a deer, jock strap aroun d my ankles, dumbfounded, look in  my eyes, perplexed, look on my face as it hits, you get a certain taste in your mouth this race is coming to a close suddenly your filled with doubht, seriously you should be care free, yuou did your duty as a parent, im jealous wish that was me, chill the fuck out go drink some fucking relaxing tea or something, sobrietyy seems to be a good mixture along with love and rationality to make a family function like a well greased machine, like a mechanisim freshly whipped down with some white lithium grease. tuned and ready to go, temped to huff the fumes and left everything go, turn your car on shut the garage door, let death grip  you, dont seem to care anymore, I cant change the past and i have no regreats, will i make it to thirty? “right over here people!” “place your bets!”, ill take my tickets to my Life Show and just scalp em make some extra cash, im already absent, so detatched;incapable of feeling. even if im there aint nothing going on emotionally in there (guarantee you im smilin an nodding i really dont give 2 fucks no more”, take that money right to the plug i promote fucking drugs not hugs, or why not both? why does the saying have to be one or the other when sxometimes its both you desire the most. Take the scalpin’ money from the tickets to the play of my life, go on down to the hood, pick up some bags mis amigos habla “Drogas” los hermanos tambien, this urge is hard to fight. Its a romance [a ritual of being, so0mething un explainable i wish i was never a part of, im always metaphorically bleeding. My poker face is strong, fuck showing weakness i alwayxs thought it was to show emotuion. wrong....... but its not, it can save your life, can \get you through, throw you a life jacket, get you out of that tide you fought, that frigid water no warmer than dry eyes.. Ive always been a loose cannon, I go with the flow, not lookin back, been chillin with the old heads they were suprisxed i could hang and, back to the point haha literally or figuratively is the question... im not gonna keep you waitin or leave yall hangin, i hate cliff hangers, make me wait 45 five minutes leave me jonesin’ its slow goin like grindin that ‘crete in the hangers polishin’ that baby out and coatin with some apoxy, its a process, i just get my drugs, whate=vers around and hit bangersz til i pass out, thatsx how my life has been goingg, i feel like im in the chambers just waiting to be gassed out. Flip the fuuckin switch you fuckin pussy end all this malcontent and hate, make itt black, eternal reest at loast.. dress me up real nice maybe a sharp vest, go through the processions and go through the motions fucking burn my body bitches, i want to be in the ocean ive always felt drawn to it, like an unexplainable,, unatainable unfakeable feeling or notion. im happiest sippin a coctail right by the ocean,  thats where you put me to rest... ill be pissed as fuck dont treat me like a fucking ruck; i beenn aroound, age is but a number, my knowledge is  vast and profound, ya thats right bitch im fuckin educated, know more tthan you will learn in your life time and im 20 years, old get what im sayin? i dont got a big heaad im actually humble,  just at my  breaking point. if i was a volcanoe you would feel the rumble; the pre-emptive signs of an eruption pre-determineed in the creator’s mind he took his divine time to find a wayy to grin away the time it took to find the book i bind when al i want is to be stress free and unwind but im the opposite wound up liike the grandfather clock i wish i could stop , the wheels are in motion the gears are set to full speed the feels keep comin i got this itch; this notion, this inkling to stop minglin, stop wastin my time with u useless fuccks. i think its time, its not the end my journey, just started this epic tale of sorrow, my feelings have departed, im fuckingg frozen over colder than ice, dry ice. cant touch me im full of hate and vice, addictive personality on a suicide mission like a ffucking missionary willing to die for his faithh,. i wish man willing to be a martyr for his religion.. ya bitch i smoke stoges in the hotel room just send the  bill to him if it comes to me itll end up in the fucking rubbish bin with a looggie on top coughin up brown shit to young for that talk, to young for heart disease pack and a half a day to try to keep my miind at ease, the stress is buildin im like a tickin time bomb, im so wound up like a clock rigged to blow mount vesuvius, a test nuke... the alarm is soundinn off. A  bright flash like a million lightning strikes, bout to pop off.. but atleast with style got my limited eddition nikes, listen to me i soound like them, listen to me bitching like a fucking fem, bottle it up, thats what society saays, male suicide is at an all time high like two polar opposites due to wed, its never gonna work im always going to be sad im always going to hurt, no fuck it, im a lock it up and throw away the key, im gonna forget about all this shit and be a fuckin G, be hardcore like the brothhers, leave bitches cryin in the street like aall our fuckin mothers, 32 degrees ferenhiet tatted on my left pec it signifies the tempture of my heart no longer warm and red, its frozen over, it hardly beats, that shit is smaler than the grinches, i turned into what they want me to be, a danger to society, getthe fuck outa myface before i shoo,t b, I got nothing to lose, living for nothing, nada, goose eggs nigga dont give a fuck reckless, no regard for life i dont give two fucks a partridge in a ghetto street, aint no merry christmas song, i like my biches thick and dirty wearin'n some fesh tomy thongs, i use em abuse and enthuse them then ruse thm excusse them fuckin confusethem "why you so distaant all of the suden" keep the vow of silence, like a monk on a holy missio, a friar on a divine quest, sending telepathic messages look into my eyes and see, get the fuck out i was never real these feelings meant nothing to me manipulator, manipulationist making up woprds never been a relationist, the masster of his craft a ventrilliquist or a puppet master you were to blind to see, mama was right just a socio path, ya bitch tell your 7 year old child that; see how long his chipper attitude lasts, im lower than nothing, not even a worm maybe i could bbe a fucking tick suckin blood, noting left of the kid i used to be, no more self worth, i cant love you when i cant love myself, how you expect me to support you when all i do is grab a spoon andd melt all the money thaat comes my way, a junkie, bum destined for an early  death and you think yous my bride to be, sorry hun you reaad me wrong, i know its hard cause bitches never know whats goin on inside my head, as i lay in bea,d staring off to somewhere, anywhere but next toyou, staring off into space thinking about my drug abuse, asking myself why, but i know the answer ready to die, but i think ill get a lapper frm one more danceer, i wanna go out in style, not som lame shit maybe go up to a mountain and stand on a cliff, look down, see wher im destined to end up as i take the safety off, finger carressing the trigger, a cool wind blows as i prepare to leave my loved ones bitter, surprised they sstayed aound thislong only ever let em down ever since i was young, never good enough always disappointing this rap comes so easily writing it like noothing, to get this off my chest as theend comes near, i shaped my own destiny i chose to die, now i chose to die here, fuk your beliefs and your faith in gods plan i took my life intomy own fucking hands, i think we all know einstiens theory of insanity, i been doin the same shit fr so long now exspectin shit to change and, i guess im insane.. i took my brilliiant, my sharp mind and put it to waste. its time to pull the inevitable, the good die young idk in this case if thats viable, im scummy i did whatever it took to get my fix to kill that pitt  in my tummy. i hurt people close, i stole from my famil.y.. its time to end it, like i caqme into the world, by myself always alone, soemthing that my father toldme that really stuck, its cynical as fuck, but he was right. he said stay out of the bullshit the groggy muck. Only lookout for yourself son, ive been arounnd awhile, [people dont give a fuck about anyone else they care only for themselves, in the end at the most critical time they will always choose them instead of some one else. We are alone in this wrld and its the hard truth jut learn not to ddepend on others while you are still in your youth, ive been fucked over to many times by people i thought i was very close to. now im out to get mines me and only me you and only you, get that fucking look on ur face sorry for beeing real and telling the truth, im trying to prepare your for whats ahead, im tryig to prevent you from depending on a brutus who will fill you with lead, stab you in the back for their own personnal gain, being to trustworthy is a heroic flaw like being egotistical, wanting to help your friends to much, being aragont ect. kryptonite to super man pease dont be batman and let it be yourr bane, bane as in the villian to let you know. im back, here are my words again not my dads, ji really do miss all the relationships i had, havent spoken to my dad in years tookk one for theteam stayed with mama dukese inj the ssplit to save faace, foir my innocent younger brothers. you know what shes also my motheer, shes not capable of surviving alone i didnt think i would abandon her ever i thought id never do that, i stuck with her out of evveryone, a family oof six she looked out for me in times of strife wish i could give her one last kiss, just shot my last 20 and i fucin missed, absesses dont matte any more i bet this 45 shoots true time for the finale,  no way i can miss, as the curtains close on my young life one last thought people really took to me, like white on rice, women were drawn to me the mystery i had them enticced, June baby as a cancer i am hard to understand i met a chick once who had a spot in my liifes bnd, she knew me we had a connection so much love we were never disrespectin im glad i could atleast i could teach hersome shit before she ripped my beeating heart out of my chest and stepped on it. Loved hermore than life and i still do i promised her one day i would find her and marry her, walkher down that isle say the words ido, she felt what i felt i know its tru, wasnt ready fgor commitment baby i wil alwayslove yo never orget you if i can i connect with you, like a disease i infected you i aways broght you downi was just baggage extra wait holing you down dragging around im glad youo saw through my snake charming ways saw me for who i was a bumm who couldnt change noot in a short number of days, someone so crippled by pain and grief it was beyond belief, she was the only one i wore my heart on my sleeve for , she lef me sobbinig, crrying violently without end in the door the doorway to more pain. i know she had no choice she had to live her lifee i was just in he way, i was obscuring her focus. eye on the prize isthe only way to achieve your goals and tnt them fuckin boulders, in your way, today i die babe, long time comin bet yall thought i was here to stay. baby l dontshed a tear kno i died drinkin a beer haha but nah you were my last thoughts thinking about all the time we spent getting lost in eachothers eyes and gettin so close we read eachothers thougts, illl miss or idk if ill be concious or just nothjingness, i guess ill fnd out when i finally stop being a pussy and proced with this, see ya velma ill always be your shaggy thinka bout me and dont forget what i made you see, in your self im just another memory on our shelf but let it bbe one thaat sticks we had somethingthat made ssense just clicks somethin that felt so right im really gonn miss, everythinig abnout you im sorry you couldnt trust me but i dont doubt why. i know the truth ive never denied a thing in my life, dont getme wrong everybody tells a little white lie, but you know what its a sign of intelligence not to be afraid to say idk not to lie for the hll of it. Ill see you soon in the nxt life or two i hope reincarnatiuon has a possibility of being true, godbye cruel world th ride is over it was a hell of a whirl, i leave you with absolutely nohing conntributted i was just a part o the cancer people had to live with, butnever acknowledgedd, acted ignoant to ther surroundings as daddy paid for college, i burned bright and hot and had a lot of fun, i had alot of life experienc got alot of shit done, nothing productivee of course in ssocieties eyes but i did fullfill atleast some personal goals, important things in my eyes, the curtains are almost done descending as my pittiful life is ending, but keep your pitty mother  fuckers i dont want shit from any of you i dont give yoou nothin dont be so self righteous you look like a bunch of fools, greive for me or celebrate my life i guess its on you how you chhoose to rfemmeber a nobody that nobody knew, a couple feet before the curtains drop, is that? myy eyes decieving? me? no i do see that a single rose descends from the skies, i stare intently at the work of art, a rose is soo beautiful, a representation of love, from the heart, so delicate with its velvet petals, easily ruined a boket wouldve been nice, but who am i fooling, thats a beautiful thing, that was really nice. the product bubbles as i take my last hit of ice, cant takemy eyes off that rose.. its so beautiful... the gun on my forhead now, looking at each individual pedals.. dew from the early mornin forming a small puddle around that naturral phenom, that iconic organic, spectaacular symbol of sometthing real, somethin that matters, something sensual. 

As the bits of his brain splatter behid him, arms spread; with grace, almost angelic.he falls off the ciff a hundred feet now for falling, weird but there was a look of peace in his eyes; on his face, maybe he wll finally find happiness.. he fell with nobility and so much grace the floor he hit, his finall restingplace, what cuold be a better box then a natural setting, a  beaauty of nature, crawling all around and he will return to the earth, the mother wll  take him back just as she gave birth, i thinnk this shit is over now its not my story to tell, inside voices kids no reason to yell. shhhhhhhhhhh. 

dont depend dont believe the [enter here]