Tumgik
#yk i had friends in the past that i think
cornyforjk · 2 days
Text
Drive you Crazy | Day 3 | jjk
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
SUMMARY
⤷ In which you are stuck living with an arrogant rookie racer who thinks of you as an obstacle, ready to ruin your glory, but things get heated when he has a pervy smile hidden under that pretentious attitude. Emotions that are complicated. You could never fall for your enemy! He's sabotaging you.
Pairing: racer!jk × racer!oc
Genre: angst and pure filth smut
Warnings: trash language
Taglist: @tatamicc @jwnghyuns @nono13bnd
A/note : Day 3 already!!! Yall do leave your thoughts in the comments section cause I'm a 'need external verification' girlie 😀 Kay byeeee
___________________♡____________________
You tried ignoring him for the rest of the day, your senses finally kicking in as you registered your first meet with him; the disrespect he had, how pathetic he was trying to sabotage another racer.
Even for being a 'seducer'
"I am so stupid, he's the reason I was humiliated, Natalie! I can't do this anymore." You bang your fist on the table in the cafeteria, Natalie hosting her hand on your shoulder with concern on her face.
You felt like boring holes in the mahogany wood until its particles were floating in thin air.
"It's just for a week Y/n."
"A week with that wild animal." Correcting her with a smug tone, you pack a warm chocolate muffin heading towards the shared room feeling Natalie's gaze on you.
___________________♡____________________
You followed the rhythm of continuous notes blaring from our room. Clanking the keys and twisting the knob open meeting your gaze with an irritated Jungkook. The whistling got louder as you stood there silently.
He held out a blue letter in his hand. A letter opener beside him glistened in the moonlight warming up the dim room. A soft breeze blew the curtain.
"What's that?" Your eyebrow arches up in curiosity, legs pulling you in his direction, eyes set on the elegant letter.
Jungkook silently held his arm out as if waiting for you to pull out your palm in front of him. And that's exactly what you did.
He wrapped his slender fingers around your wrist, gazing into your eyes with an intimidating look that threatened to feel into your soul.
His lips parted, trying to form words out of his hazy mind. "Your confirmation letter for this race."He held out the letter, its crisp corner at your fingertips as you felt the rough paper stroking your ends.
"Don't race." He says in a stern whisper.
"And why would you say that?" You ask in annoyance.
"I am looking out for you."
"Uh- yeahh? And why tf would you look out for me huh?"
"I am looking out for you!" Не repeated.
"You- my friend aren't looking out for me, you're just being a sexist,if yk what that means ." Snatching the envelope from him you turned your back on his face,walking away with a sigh towards your bed.
"Fine...if that's what you think." He turns away too, disappointment flashing in his eyes. You stood there confused because of his reactions.
"I shouldn't lookout for a petty outcast anyways."
___________________♡____________________
Your breath hitched in your throat as you felt perverted gazes sliding down your back, stuck on my body as the tight bodysuit hugged my curves. Those sickening mouths were ajar with drool over their lips.
Crossing over to the other side of the hallway felt like a task of walking over dead zombies.
You reached your pit for practice, hands on your hips waiting for your new team to begin the arrangements. No one arrives on time.
A dark figure walked past you, helmets clutched between their forearm and side. The air around you suddenly starts to smell like soft moss after the early rain of monsoon, splattered with the scent of ocean wind mixed with sea salt and hinted with vanilla. You nostrils go crazy, pleasant chaos blessing your sense of smell.
You raise your head to look at the person. The unconscious smile on your face droppes instantly.
Your gaze hardenea, the crescents at the edge of your eyes vanishing.
Jungkook doesn't spare a glance, standing a bit further away from you as you crane your neck to find his pit next to yours. A scowl made its way onto your face.
You push my shoulders back, straightening your posture, chin high in the air as you notice a crowd of racers moving your way. Tapping your foot, you suddenly feel anxiety settling down in your stomach.
"Look, Alex! A girl will be racing with us," a man with ginger brown hair in a blue suit speaks first, startling me as a hiccup breaks free from your throat. "This toy looks more pleasurable, doesn't it?"
The guy named 'Alex' grins nonchalantly, closing in on you as you start to feel the warmth of his body sweat. He swarmed over me with his hands at the sides of your hips blocking your way free.
"Indeed, she could work her charms." he breathes near your ear, my body stiffening, you close your eyes shut, scrunching your fists.
"No wonder she got a place between racers like us. Probably danced on the director's lap to make her way in," he smirked, tracing his disgusting finger on my jaw.
"The one who needs to dance on the director's lap to reach the finals is you, sweetie."
Alex's smirk dropped down, your words hurting his very big ego.
"kitten got a tongue huh?" He grips you hips tightly, pulling you to crash on his chest.
"Don't-" your breath unstable, "don't touch me," you said with your teeth gritted. You push him away, now facing him in his eyes.
"touch me again and you're. dead."
You turn away to leave but the moment you step away, you feel a hand on your waist. You couldn't stand this shit anymore as you turned around and slapped the guy hard across his right cheek.
The sound of the slap echoed even in the open pit, everything and everyone went silent. The entire attention now on you, but you didn't care.
He was about to slap you again, when a tattoed hand stops his. Your gaze follows the arm till you meet his eyes. But atm, you're too mad to even care who tf was it. And you kick hard on the guy's crotch.
His cries were loud and shrill as if he just saw death in front of his eyes.
You turn away to leave when you hear jungkook say, " I see you near her again and you're dead "
The guys ran away for there life and everyone gets back to whatever they were doing while you were left with an expressionless Jungkook. He walks away without exchanging any witty or sarcastic comebacks.
"Thank-"
"Save it, outcast."
You watch him disappear into a crowd with raised flashing cameras, your heart pulling you to go to him, but the sickening ego in you stops you from apologising.
Apologising for the warning he gave you that you ignored.
Apologising for not being grateful for his lookout even though you were just a mere stranger.
You took your keys as your team finally shows up and surrounds you.
Announcement to start the trial booming in the loud speakers, but your eyes were still following ing him.
Maybe it's my ego and not his.
"Jeon Jungkook!"
You ran behind him, walking straight into a group of media, bowing to the rush you start the chase all over again.
Frantically looking in the lobby for him, your eyes traced his broad back, scampering his way squeezing between swarms of people.
"Jeon! Stop in the name of strippers!"
You watch him ignore you, your limbs filled with energy falling at your sides, you retract your voice calling out for him, running across with all your heart.
"Please stop." You plead with him, firmly intertwining your hands when you finally catch a hold of him.
" Listen boy, I am going to apologise and you are going to hear me out."
You look out for asign, but he doesn't even nod. Jungkook harshly shakes his hand free, turning to look your way. He turns around to close your room door in your face, the loud click of hinges making you duck your face in shame. His last words rumbled deep in your ear.
"I don't care."
___________________♡____________________
DM me or send me an ask if you wanna be added to the taglist
63 notes · View notes
puppyeared · 8 months
Text
i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court
#im joking#i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture#and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet???#its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure#i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^#i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th#story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get#that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel#like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty#so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then#i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why#idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens#but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes#smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can#be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn#yapping#oc talk
26 notes · View notes
oceansabove · 2 months
Text
ugh i genuinely don't think i'm capable of getting over someone until i get with someone new...miserable apparatus in my brain
3 notes · View notes
elytrafemme · 2 months
Text
i think its funny that im still really shy about the fact that i think romantic quackcicle is reductive to c!quackity's character in a way that personally grates me and not in the common discourse interpretation of "u only hate the /r because you dont think c!slime can be romantic " (not a question of c!slime its entirely abt what i personall think makes c!q's arc satisfying which is trope subversion bla bla bla).
bc like first of all i dont think abt dsmp as much second of all who gives a shit its been like two years. i am like busy in life people have jobs this is not on anyones minds but i still fear the almighty discourse God bless. anyway i put stuff in tags i really hurt my hands somehow so i cant type w as mjuch dextertiy so work w me and the typos
3 notes · View notes
okcoolthanks · 3 months
Text
Holy shit wait why do I feel tall
2 notes · View notes
arionawrites · 6 months
Text
1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
3 notes · View notes
kuromi-hoemie · 1 year
Text
bleh
#having a bad morning tbhhhh#i envy the ppl who grew up here :| it's so much easier to make friends when u went to school w ppl and grew up with them#i have been here since 2016 and was just trying to get stability the first 3 years financially/housing-wise.#and when i was Finally ready to start making friends the pandemic happened.#the closest thing I've had to friends were made thru my ex and when we broke up they ghosted me.#to this day i have not made a single genuine friend and i can't articulate how hurtful that is to think about.#and i get excited when i might have a new friend but do the audhd balancing act where i tone myself down so i don't scare them away#but then idk. maybe i just come off as uninteresting or indifferent. idk what the perception of me is bc no one ever tells me anything lol.#i just get ghosted a lot 😭 it's Literally so much easier to find ppl to fuck than it is to find friends. idk why this is so hard but it's#frustrating. everyone has lukewarm interest in me at best and i have so much to offer when I've opened up to someone.#and i can't rly talk w ppl about how I'm feeling. and i can't do anything but keep trying over and over or else i WILL fr have no friends.#it's just. like. I'm not a normal person w normal circumstances and interacting w people who already have a ton of friends and stuff#going on is hard. there's like this burning desire for companionship in u as the person NEEDING it that no one else has#bc they already have it yk? ur just kind of a footnote on everyone's day/week. u don't have that kind of relationship where#u can Just Go Over or just have ppl over. ppl can hang like once a month maybe. i hate it here but also don't want to leave :|#everything is great except trying to make friends. idk i just wanted to vent lol I'm done ranting and might just delete#but this feeling wells up inside me and some days is so hard to ignore 😭#'i have been here since 2016 and don't have a single genuine Friend' what the fuck 😭😭#ik that wfh doesn't Help but i wouldn't be able to get anything done in person in my position lol. plus it's less about where ppl are#and more about how relationships (dont) develop past a certain point.#i have someone I've been talking with probs longest out of everyone so far and we're gonna hang this weekend#but I'm also perpetually afraid I'm gonna scare them away or something and be back at square 1 😭#and idk im afraid that might translate into seeming shy or something and I'd hate for them to lose interest anyways ._.#but idk how much of that is valid vs my brain just being mean to me and paranoid over my other experiences.#anyways... yea thnx for reading if u did. i feel crazy 😮‍💨
8 notes · View notes
no-one-hears-me · 10 months
Text
people overestimate their value in my life
#need to go to bed but I've been pondering today#i am ending a friendship#we've known each other for several years and became good friends last year#but he's suddenly started treating me badly and idk why. there's no cause#we were buddies and now he's acting up#and I've had some issues with him for awhile and have considered ending our friendship before#but ik I'll miss him and all the good memories we have together#but I'm also not gonna beg him to be nicer to me when he never had any reason not to be#and he thinks that he can do whatever he wants and I'll always be there for him. but that's not true anymore#i don't need him. I've only ever valued our nice conversations but I'm not getting that anymore#i mean more to him than he means to me. I've been a better friend to him#so realistically. this will hurt him more#but he chose to do certain things and that's not my problem#I'm not gonna allow anyone to treat me like that#i have in the past out of desperation to hold on to a friendship. but i don't need friendships#I'm a busy person. i don't have time for a lot of friends so I'm gonna save that time for good ones only#and he's gonna be sooooo sad and depressed bc yk who he always comes to when something bad happens?#or when he's feeling bad? or when he needs comfort? anything like that? ME :D#soooooo now his dear old friend is done with him forever do he's gonna be so sad. who's he gonna go to for support???#idk. not my problem 🤷‍♀️#this is his fault bc of his own actions and choices. I've tolerated a lot from him but idc anymore#goodbye#Sera
2 notes · View notes
munamania · 11 months
Text
something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.
#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love#what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it#why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties#of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often#so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk#and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore#i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them#. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec#but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd#but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE.#OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL.#and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness#but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart.#this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it#that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too#and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch#now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it.#because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do#something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope#and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude#this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post#ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting#all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever
6 notes · View notes
Text
i hate that i made it my whole thing that im so Not romantically jealous and that im always 100% cool and chill with all that comes w being polyam bc im having a hard time w my gfs newest relationship and i cant say anything about it
#im not even sure if its *jealousy* i just.#it started dating him RIGHT as i broke up w my long term gf (my longest standing and first ever relationship)#who had abandoned me replaced me and ignored me for 6 months in favor of another relationship#my gfs new bf is someone i Also have feelings. possibly for slightly longer than my gf has but theyve only really intensified the past month#and he has zero clue and most probably zero interest. which. yk is fine. but..#and then add the ✨️crushing dysphoria✨️ and almost.. gender envy ?#its just. hes also pre everything but he passes so much better. bc he actually puts in an effort.#and everyone treats him.. idk#like my friends keep joking that him and my gf are at first glance a straight couple even tho theyre not. and it stings ?#bc no stranger would ever think of me as a man#and my gf is / was a lesbian right ? started calling itself a bi lesbian a few months after we got together + its crush on the bf took hold#and at the time i was touched bc it felt like it was adding the bi for Me. bc of My gender.#but now that it and him are together its REALLY leaned into the bi part. like swapped out all its pins and corrects ppl and stuff#like im not even sure if its a lesbian anymore ? which is fine and good that its figuring itself out but. but..#idfk. i just. i wish i was Actually seen like a guy. i wish i had proof my friends didnt view as just some weird bs nonsense to put up with#i wish i could just *fucking ask it* but im too afraid#amber actually saying stuff#vent
1 note · View note
Text
'im gonna sleep' he lied
#snap chats#i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art#its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense#i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute#gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled#tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead#twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate#for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know#anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning#'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore'#'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight#and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK#ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me.#and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly#i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to#more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything#i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ???#i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.'#im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental#twitter really is decaying my brain....#let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa#but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him#i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up#heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill#Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to#just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY#expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it#i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute#ok im pissing off fr now bye.
4 notes · View notes
indigodawns · 1 year
Text
.
#had an okay writing day for my thesis yesterday and it was a rly nice day overall and then idk. rsd hit i guess and#i went to sleep way too late so ofc today i've been feeling foggy and i haven't written a word and it's 6pm like..............#makes me feel like i wasted the work i did yesterday and i should've gone to my grandpa's bday celebrations yday#even though that didn't feel viable. he sure made me feel like shit for missing it too!#it just feels like see i could've gone and done yday's work today or some shit which ?? but sure#i just know myself and im p unbearable to be around rn/when im stressed/on a deadline so yk. + travel time + adjusting plus socialising...#also had a long talk w/ my friends yday and it was nice and it was all about how you experience consciousness but also idk.#also i keep being so sharp and kinda mean to one of my friends and it's sooooooooo she says it's fine and it's not that bad but ughhhhhhh#im sure the core of this spiral is i just rly don't like myself and i think im right not to so like. what now#and none of this even matters like. get it toGETHER#also adhd meds aren't magically fixing my life so that's another scam (but ok they DO help at least i can actually write and think then)#anyways.#i think it's. feeling this & hating myself and my friend talking about how they're past that and life is still hard for them#and it's not about me but it does make me feel stupid like true all my problems are self-made not even circumstancial like.#also feel like i keep saying the wrong thing to people and i keep messing up my words lately and boooooooo idk#anyways im ok i just don't wanna moan abt this to anyone specifically but clearly im stuck so yk?#should i share more nice moments here too??? i just always feel like whatever emotion im feeling disappears when i share it so???#maybe bc i overthink it then or whatever#but i can!! maybe i should#for yday: had a rly rly fun convo with a friend who gave me the wildest updates ever + spent time with 2 of my best friends#+ smelled the flowers and that v v specific spring to summer air and felt the sun on my face#FINE maybe therapists have a point
3 notes · View notes
noxtivagus · 2 years
Text
dfhaskdfjsdkf good day 😭
#🌙.vents#i don't remember sleeping this long i think i woke up 12 then 2 then#5. i wld've slept for longer if i didn't force myself to get up n i think the milk tea helped wake me a bit#i'm so..#the burden of my regrets r so suffocating. there are times i can't see anything else when i'm drowning in them.#if such trivial failures affect me this much then how tf will i survive in this cruel world?#i know i'll always find my way but i wonder the lengths of what i sacrifice. of what i deny and destroy within myself#& of how it'll affect me in the unforeseeable future. of what more loss and pain it'll bring in this world#compared to before i don't often put up a mask anymore. even if it's painful i choose to be authentic. i've improved in that sense#but it's not enough. perhaps i'm simply too harsh on myself; forgetting i am human and that i falter too. i'm not perfect n i shouldn't be.#even with my shortcomings there r ppl that stay. that say thank you. and. yeah. yeah.. that should be proof enough of real reciprocation#but.#i don't know am i really just so afraid of being forgotten? left behind? thinking of it n i used to write of that fear often back then#opening up to 'friends'. being told i was loved. that i would always have my place here#this is pathetic i grew up relying too much on success for my worth. i know i'm so much more but#i placed this on myself. this is the ocean i chose to drown myself in. so when i falter in the only thing i grew up being good that#bcs it hurts yk i used to draw. i painted a lot as a kid but what happened to that passion?#i used to write. a lot. but these past few years.. i don't know what's wrong with me. why it's so hard to do that again#piano. if i continued i would have.. i really had the potential to be. good. i mean i#i've never been a genius i've honestly always hated being called that. i know i've always been naturally smart but.#my hard-work carried me further. and i'm not.. smart enough or good enough to be a genius. never have been.#hollow compliments. before hs it was like everyone really just knew me for my brain. nothing of the way i wrote or my passions. just smarts#so now i'm just a shadow; a ghost of who i used to be. in that aspect at least. but. now w my other strengths they've been faltering too#i'm sorry i should've been better i should do more i know i can. but maybe i. i've always overestimated myself#i think when i was around 6-8 before grade school i can't really remember anymore but there was this competition i think#i would've gotten second if i didn't hesitate. if i didn't fucking hesitate. n i think that always stuck with me#bcs i was really quite the timid shy kid. even though i was older i wld be the one following apollo.. i'm sorry. they deserve more than me#bulbel is making me cry bye wtf
4 notes · View notes
Text
me: haha im downloading destiny 2 again for lightfall
the destiny 2 fic thats still at like. february 2022. in terms of story progression. that i havent updated because i dont know enough about the story of the past few seasons to properly write them in:
#I HAD A PLOTLINE PLANNED#WHERE THE SCORN WOULD GET MORE AFFECTED BY THE DARKNESS & ALL#BUT I HAVENT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION#i think i might just watch the cutscenes of the past few seasons on youtube#bc i dont think?? i have the season passes?? for the past few seasons????#& then wait out lightfall before planning out that storyline#i havent seen any story trailers or whatever so im completely in the dark lmao#hopefully lightfall will motivate me enough to work on tsbesg again i miss patch#i never meant for tsbesg to be completely canon compliant but i do want to follow the main story. just with the scorn present#they are my sillies#ill figure it out#i still have to write a chapter of them joining on the uh. the missions. back in the season that launched with witch queen#(was it risen i cant remember)#i have to write at LEAST one chapter of them just dicking around fighting lightbearer hive i think they would like that#why would patch have to kill ghosts when they have several friends who do it for fun. hm.#its kinda funny bc when i started the fic i ran out of material#i had to bullshit so much just for the seasons to catch up#ESPECIALLY during hunt#if i ever end up rewriting the earlier chapters one key thing is that i have to fix the timeline with the whole osiris thing#actually make everything line up more yk?#but yeah in the period between when i started (december... 2020? 2021?) and witch queen i started getting a little off track#my investment in destiny kinda dwindled once id finished witch queen#i was still really into the characters (yes i saw the cutscene of orisis waking up yes i cried) but the game itself just#and maybe it was my depression. honestly#like i started meds nearly 3 months AFTER wq#who knows. who the fuck knows. i NEED the fuckigngnfu leviathan scenes. i NEED patch to get to the leviathan i need crow to#reconcile with the scorn through his arc in that season (plot spoilers? eh. plot ideas)#im gonna go reread the most recent few chapters i need the refresher on where i stopped#ALSO. ALSO. worst case scenario i skip some less plot relevant more self indulgent scenes (like with the hive ghosts)#and put those in separate oneshots. 'takes place between chapter so & so'
3 notes · View notes
dorkousloris · 2 years
Text
im never going to shut up how stella's first thing to do after the admin attack was over is to build a house for lluna (her llama for context), and actually let her go (because i hc that stella believes she doesn't deserve being lluna's friend, as she had knew how she had hurt lluna in the first place), and literally offering to help rebuilt the beacontown.
like yes, canon stella got a complete change of heart due to how rush episodes are by the end of the season, but i like to think that stella still have a long way to even have a complete change of heart.
she need to step back, have a little space of her to think over her own previous actions up to now, and you know, the constant feeling she doesn't deserve all of it, not at all, and trying to work on being less rude--
6 notes · View notes
pakimakas · 1 month
Text
my heart literally dropped when i visited the unsent project, cause i think i found some that were addressed to me
1 note · View note