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e8luhs · 5 years

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do you have any tips for making your characters so lively and distinct? also for giving them such different voices?

i always get so flattered getting questions like tihs ;_; *screamcat* thank you! putting this under a cut since i rambled a bit here (as usual)

this kind of stuff i always find hard to describe because my process is so….. like how do i even word it. ive just been writing for a long time so once i settled into cb and it became my favorite thing to write for and work on it just became natural for me to do. voice-wise, i think a lot of it has to do with analyzing vocabulary and tone. lots of asking yourself what your character would do rather than what you think sounds good or poetic or the like.

you need to shift gears and figure out how you can relate to your own character and get emotionally invested in what theyre saying and how theyre saying it. HEAR it and type it out the way youre hearing it. read your scripts and dialogue over and over, have other people read them over and over, ask yourself why your characters saying what theyre saying the way theyre saying it, because if its boiling down to “i dont know, just because” then you will most likely end up with some flat dialogue that all sounds similar. i think this just comes around as soon as you figure out how your characters are different from eachother.

on that side of things–character distinction–i think sorting out a trait/flaw that you can build off of to create character motives and themes right off the bat helps quite a bit and can create a pretty good & diverse cast. also think about roles youd like to have filled in a group of people.

an example is that sebran really started entirely based on the concept of “what about a character that cant take their own feelings seriously? basically the embodiment of Depression Jokes?” which was an idea that hadnt been fulfilled in the group and could create both a relation and a contrast point between him and the group; all of the characters in cataclysmalbound have difficulties coping with their own feelings, but sebran IN PARTICULAR handles them by using humor and doesnt take himself very seriously, and sometimes mistakenly ends up reacting to other peoples emotions in a very joking way because of how hes conditioned himself to come at his OWN emotions.

that “in particular” there is how you figure out what sets your character apart from the rest. people can be similar and can relate to eachother (its encouraged that at least some of your characters are able to relate to eachother actually, thats how realistic groups of friends are made). you can have an entire cast of characters that has an issue shared among all of them, but EVERYONE will ALWAYS have their own unique approach to feelings, mindsets, ideas and everyone will always have different reasons as to WHY thats the case. thats what adds meat to your character and once you have that stuff figured out, distinct character voices will follow.

two exercises i suggest for these:

analyzing your characters by putting them next to eachother. ask yourself whats similar, whats different. again, you can make characters with intrinsically similar bases but which are fundamentally different from eachother.

good example for THIS is lyreni and crylus, who are both justice-oriented, have deepseated needs to be good people, and have strong morals.

these traits pop up in lyreni because of the responsibility thats put on her shoulders being the heiress of alternia, causing her to fear using that responsibility in the wrong way, causing her to question whether or not shes a good person often, causing her to therefore have starkly black/white thinking patterns due to her extreme judgements of herself and those extreme judgements extending to the people around her when shes dealing with periods of extreme stress.

these traits pop up in crylus though because of his loyalty to his friends and idols,and because helping others and having a purpose/impact no matter how big or small–being a hero–is something thats important to him. his sense of confidence allows for him to act on that adamantly and without regard as to what people who oppose him think. however, this confidence can sometimes lead to reckless behavior. crylus is also less easily influenced by the expectations of others than lyreni is.

so really tldr i found their common ground, but i found what makes that ground different too. that theme is shown through different facets because lyreni and crylus have different reasons and personalities. lyreni might at times even disagree with how crylus pursues the exact same thing she does/wants and vice versa and all that.

genuinely speaking here also using a text-based format is insanely helpful if you remind yourself not to use it as a crutch. how someone types, their wording and all that, can be a great tool for analysis. some people text out everything exactly the way they hear it in their head, but not everyone does that, some people type in all lowercase and some dont, etc. even if thats not the format for your story i still suggest trying it out at least once or twice! really fun

#ask #hope this advice isnt too abstract :')#yet again i show just how bad i am at describing my inner thought process #the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

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benka79 · 3 years

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After Dark (We see the light)

Buddie Meta 911 503

Hello friends. Okay I told you this is gonna be a short meta bc we had just a little from Buddie at the end but it was very, very rich in visuals and body language.

Whispers: I just dissected the lockers buddie scene... 😏🔥

Just a few words about the kidnapping

I know we don't wanna talk about this ¡I don't wanna talk about this) but it was the main topic in this episode so I need to say a few words...

First of all, it was a very ugly and boring and weird way to show us this "storyline" as they described in the promo.

But let's rescue some interesting points:

-Another good neighbor helping by recording with her cellphone what was happening with Harry and his raptor. Again, neighbors saving lives just like they did in episode 502.

- Another hint to the idea that "no one is safe".

- Harry's kidnapping as a Foreshadow of Eddie being hostage in 507.

- The whole episode and the whole kidnapping process happened in the darkness. (Visual symbolism as I pointed in my previous meta here.)

- When Athena confronts Jeffrey she also makes a reference to darkness and light, and the firefam appeared illuminating the place. This is a reference about how the family they choose, the people they love, it's always there to support you and help you in bad moments too.

- When the woman asks Michael if Athena was his wife, he answers "Ex-wife", as a premonition of Eddiana break up at the end of the episode.

- The 118 unity assists a 911 call in which a man said his friend had been shot. This was a blatant reference to 413 and 414. The difference was the brachial artery.

- When the firefam goes to find Harry, we had a brief Buddie moment, again working together.

- Harry doesn't want to talk about his traumatic experience. (I talked about this in the previous metas with two characters with talking difficulties, as a Foreshadow for Harry.

- Maddie and her depression is taking relevance now that she thinks she is dangerous for her daughter. Imagine the pain she is handling thinking about this? I can't even...

The Light is Here

Time for some Buddie meta now.

First scene: the Lockers.

Buck sees Eddie coming out and smiles. This smile could mean a lot of things. But because this is a buddie meta, that smile is from someone that didn't expect find his crush still there. A nice surprise to see him again. Even when they were so many days together, you always celebrate the fact that you can have a little more of your crush, right?

Buck says he thought Eddie would be the first leaving because he had a little person waiting for him: Christopher.

The important thing here was the way Buck is talking to Eddie.

Look at him. He is smiling the whole time, eyes focused on Eddie. It reminded me that time in the kitchen. The fondness and the devotion towards Eddie are loud here. The longing, even when Buck implies "Hey Christopher is waiting for you, someone is waiting for you, that's awesome" it felt as is he wished he had that too.

But the smile, the soft gaze and even the voice he uses, is screaming Buck's yearn for Eddie.

Then we had Eddie avoiding Buck's gaze again.

Eddie had been thinking the way to break up with Ana. The seriousness in his face told us he had been thinking about it a lot. But even when he tried to find the word, he couldn't. He only stares at Buck to deliver a strong message.

When he mentions the name of Ana, sending Buck the idea of him breaking up right now, once he gets home.

The hidden message to Buck here is "Look, I'm following your advice, okay? I'm breaking up with her. I don't love her. And is happening now."

Then Eddie leaves and Buck's reaction is... priceless...

Buck is speechless. He can't believe it. First of all, because Eddie is following his advice. Eddie is not like Abby. Eddie is breaking up with her to release her. Eddie is honest. But then, he blinks nervously. Eddie breaking up with Ana means Eddie will be single again.

Remember season 4 opens with Buck saying "I don't tell people how I feel", who was these people? Well, his parents and Eddie. He even bought a book "5 languages of love" to learn how to express his feelings for Eddie. But Eddie started to date Ana, and every hint of being with him vanished. And that's why the sarcastic "What's Ana love language?" Full of Jealousy.

Now, Eddie is gonna be single again. And you can't tell me that reaction from Buck watching Eddie leave is not expressing exactly this: HOPE.

Even Athen mentions HOPE IN THE DARK in this episode.

Second scene: Honey, I'm Home

Suddenly, when the black out ends, we witnesses a continuum of parallels with people coming back home and family waiting for them. The first one is Hen, in video-call with her son. The kid is waiting for her after 5 days.

Then Athena's kids. Then Eddie having breakfast with Christopher and Ana...

And then we have Buck. And the contrast is HUGE. The writers made it blatant to show us BUCK IS ALONE. Even when he's dating Taylor, he is alone. Because Taylor is married with her job, and again, Buck is put to a side.

The irony in Buck's quote: "Honey, I'm home." Is representing his loneliness. His girlfriend is not what Buck wants for him. Buck wants to be seen (just like Norman) he wants to have what that old married gay couple had THAT'S LOVE. Buck wants his own beautiful love story. He wants a person who waits for him at home. That's why the yearn in his voice while he was talking with Eddie in the lockers. Maybe because he was imagining what wonderful would be to come back home together with Eddie and Christopher waiting for them.

This is the preamble to Buck/Taylor future break up. As I wrote in this spec post here.

So, Eddie already has the family he wants with Buck, but he doesn't know it yet, and Buck wants to have a lover who sees him for real. That person is Eddie, but he's not his lover, but his best friend. Well, not his lover yet.

Third scene: "I guess is your mess now."

Okay, we finally are in the Eddiana break up. I really felt sorry for her. Really. She was nervous at first, we can say it because her body language and the verbiage. Her body moved from side to side, trying to clean up the mess in the kitchen.

She knew what was going on. So she was the one saying it first. Eddie just added some few words about Christopher loving her, but the girl knew everything. That's why the talk was quick. There were no more words to say. She chose Spanish to say goodbye to him, because it was one of the things that they had in common, like a mechanism of defense. Then she says he is a great father. This is very important, because she knows Eddie was trying hard to fall in love with her because of Christopher.

But what caught my attention was Ana saying: "I guess it's your mess now" talking about the kitchen, but symbolizing the huge mess that will be Eddie from now on. And the mess is in the kitchen. The place in which Eddie and Buck flirted. The place in which Eddie looked at Buck so fondly as he interacted with Christopher.

That kitchen yells buddie. And it's a mess now. Because what is about to come my friends, is Eddie slowly realizing he is in love with Buck. Let's wait an see.

To Conclude:

Several storylines on the horizon, as the producers said. So we had Harry handling his post kidnapping trauma, maybe not talking about it.

Maddie and Chim story, with Maddie's depression and the seek of Maddie.

Buck's inner desire of being seen vs his relationship with a absent girlfriend.

Eddie rediscovering his sexuality through the realization of his own romantic feelings for Eddie, maybe will be expressed by a lot of Jealousy towards Taylor and some little fights over there. And Buck completely oblivious about Eddie's feelings.

Buenos Aires, October 6th 2021 9:21 AM

#buddie #buddie meta #503 #503 meta #5.03 #5x03 #911 #911 meta #evan buck buckley #eddie diaz #ana flores #taylor kelly #athena grant #harry grant #maddie buckley #chimney han

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bakugoukatsuki-rising · 4 years

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I'm. The new covers, op. The new covers. Gosh. Both of them hold so much symbolism. And technically they both are canon, they are both original ideas that could perfectly be valid. Horikoshi simply found something better. But anyways, I'm going to go ahead and ramble about it because Im- Op, prepare for a long ask! Hope you like it!

So!

On the one where Katsuki's the one in the picture, he's not on his knees like he is in the other two covers. Instead, he has his face down, body forward, one hand on one leg, the other one holding out for something...He's bowing. Bowing in Japanese culture is a pretty big deal. Hes not just tilting his head a bit, his head and body are on full on commitment.

Such a tilted bow means a LOT, specially from THIS guy, Mr dont let anyone walk in front of me. Even more when hes not just bowing, but accepting such an open display of given help, Mr shonen anime lone wolf. Accepting something he always has trouble admitting to. Accepting the past, accepting the wrongs. Accepting Izukus help means so much, and that's what these three covers have in common.

His hand is sctretching out. He's ready to say yes to that hand out in the air.

(Ps. I wonder if he's watching his own reflection on the water in this panel, as well?)

Hes in middle of the picture with those childhood friend at the back, which means audience. It means letting people see what hes done, what he's sorry for. He is being open and exposed and vulnerable. That's no fighting stance.

Remember guys, in case you haven't noticed before, Horikoshi puts lots of metaphorical value in his manga and on his covers. Sometimes you've got to dig in deep and think to get the bigger picture. And in this case, the bigger picture screams regret and wanting to make things right from the start.

This cover occurs in the past, at the moment where everything started, and Katsuki fully remembers this. Katwuki has thought of this, is thinking about this. He's had eye bags for gods sake, he's clearly troubled by all of what it means.

These three covers are the visual explanation of what's going on inside Katsuki's head, because this is clearly focused on him and his perspective.

(Ps. Rivers symbolise the massage of time. If that doesnt add to everything else, I dont know what to tell you.)

So! Next!

Wow, if this isnt one of my favourite things ever. Okay. Christ.

I have two options here. Scratch that, three options. Scream into the void, scream into this post, or actually make a good presentation of my inner turmoil. I'll have to go by the third option. (Haha. Just like horikoshi did. Dont # me, I'm funny in my head.)

This cover melted my insides, froze them all over, and hit me with them like a hammer.

I know they're kids, but let me get this straight-so kids seriously look at their friends with these looks in their eyes and think "ah, yes. This is my very good friend. This gentle smile and kind look I'm giving him as if he was my whole world? Well, hes just a very good friend."

I looked at my childhood crush this way, I dont know what to tell you.

Anyway, let's actually jump to the information at hand.

This panel seems like it's making a reference to what Katsuki wishes could have been. And if that's not absolutely soul-crushing...this cover is Katsuki's feelings, guys. These are probably his very thoughts. This scene has gone through Katsuki's head at some point.

We've got Izuku in his stuck up pose all over again, in just an awkward angle. It's like katsuki isnt looking AT this katsuki right now, but at the spot where the actual past Katsuki, at some point, was. As if this Isuku is frozen in time. Dont believe too much in this paragraph, I still have my doubts about that, but I feel it's a possibility. Izukus eyes seem to be focused on the water, while Katsuki is just the tiniest bit back, reaching for Izukus hand. And gosh.

I dont think I've ever seen older NOR child Katsuki have this look plasted into his face before. He's...sheepish. Kindly, awkwardly sheepish. No hate, no anger, no shame, no nothing. His face is clear and sweet and has this "Whoops. You got me. But thanks." kind of expression on.

The hand behind his head, just the tiniest but embarassed? That little smile? It's all so soft.

Rambling about softness though- I really liked the hand scene in this particular panel. If you close up your view, you realise that theres no effort to pull anyone out of nowhere. In this panel, they are simply holding hands in frozen time for no purpose at all.

Katsuki has his hand around Izuku...simply holding there.

Again, because the angle is awkward, it's kind of messy, but you get the point.

It's all simply beautiful. Horikoshi clean likes give me life.

And lastly. The actual cover.

I screeched so hard when I saw this. My first instinct when seeing this for the first time was to straight up go trigger happy fingers and write about it to my friends. Christ.

Everything is so...SOft. horikoshi made a good decision by mixing both previous drawings in one. We have parts of the two covers in one, which is amazing. In this one, Katsuki isnt alone, as Izuku's there too. But we dont have the audience either. Probably because the main focus on this panel is no one else except them two.

Again, Katsuki looks like he's bowing, but instead of looking all the way down, he's in the middle. Not looking at Izuku nor looking at the ground, like it shows in the previous covers. Instead, Horikoshi found a middle ground. He's looking at his hand. At the gesture.

Hes not holding hands quite yet, but his hand is there. At arms reach. Not close enough but there. Wanting.

Theres so much regret and again, softness.

Again, like you Op said a bit bad, the angle is off here. This is present Katsuki remembering his past. The angle is off because this Izuku isnt holding out for our Katsuki. This is a memory. A wish. Katsuki's wish.

(Ps. Izukus trousers drenched in the rivers water. This detail was so nice. It's a subtle action that describes Izukus characterization so much. Izuku went in the river with Katsuki in mind, not caring if he got his clothes soaked in the process too. For Izuku, only Katsuki was there. And for Katsuki, only Izuku is.

As a plus, I can't believe the cover of this is literally called Bakugou Katsuki rising. They named the entire thing after that one chapter. Actually, I very much, totally believe it. It's the moment so many people have been waiting for, after all. The moment so many scenes have been amounting for, little by little.

*dreamy sigh*

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this little thing, I had to get it out of my system and dont want to bother my dear friends anymore than needed.

Have a good day, OP! I'll stay updated!

You kinda just...took my heart and curb stomped it, not gonna lie. Your observations are so beautiful and so accurate. The sketch with little Bakugou taking Izuku’s hand is so...raw, and yeah, that expression is definitely one of love. Those eyes, the way he is HOLDING Izuku’s hand, not TAKING it. He isn’t taking it to stand up, he is literally just...holding it.

That isn’t the way you take someone’s hand when you’re trying to pull yourself up. It’s an awkward angle and just...wouldn’t work right. No, he is literally just holding his hand, and that’s exactly what Bakugou wishes he did all that time ago. He wishes that he not only took Deku’s hand, but held onto it. Held it as if it were something precious, something to be cared for and protected.

These are Bakugou’s true feelings expressed in these drawings, and I think Horikoshi released them on purpose, to show us more of what he wanted Bakugou to be feelings through all of this. Since after all, we know that Bakugou expresses himself in action, not so much words. And because Horikoshi is an absolute genius, he thought to give us these other glimpses in how he feels through these actions.

And the other sketch with him bowing his body to Izuku, and the way the log looks like it’s on his back with his ‘friends’ on top of it.

The pressure of needing to be the coolest, the strongest, the best. Those kids put that kind of pressure on him, even if they never realized it. They encouraged his behavior and fed his ego, and it never allowed him to see how he was wrong. But now he is realizing it, and he is bowing himself in light of that acknowledgement. He is lowering his head and putting his pride away, so he can get back what he lost all those years ago; the opportunity to take Izuku’s hand.

To take the hand of the only one of those kids that ever loved him unconditionally. Who never pressured him or expected him to be invincible. Who saw all of his flaws and was completely prepared to support him despite all of it. The only one.

I’m just a mess over all of this, and I am so incredibly thankful to Horikoshi for creating this beautiful relationship. AND IN A SHOUNEN MANGA, NONETHELESS!!

Thank you friend, for your beautiful thoughts. I think they’re spot on, and I am so emotional all over again because of this.

#bnha spoilers #bnha #mha #bkbk #bakudeku #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #kacchan #deku #bnha meta #bnha analysis #blackiee-is-heree #asks #basketball idiot #basketball idiot replies

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snickiebear · 3 years

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yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you.

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them.

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are.

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD.

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL.

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A.

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip.

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH.

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about.

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it.

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it.

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay.

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time.

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps.

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing.

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.”

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic.

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

#silly things from silly friends

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antigoneidk · 4 years

Text

Everything I wanted to say:a letter to you|t.h.

a/n: I had this idea in my head for days but I was only able to write it now hehe. I hope you like it and I am sorry for any mistakes💞*gif is not mine*

warnings:fluff, fluff, a lit bit of angst(only if you are like me)

My love, my light, my life.

I have no words to describe how much in love i am with you. How fast my heart beats when i feel you're around. How my butterflies dance inside my stomach whenever you touch me. How I melt right in your hands everytime you squeeze my body, keep me safe in your arms. How the world stops spinning when you kiss me with those lips, that fit mine so perfectly.

I was convinced that true love didn't exist. That my parents kept lying to me through fairytales with princess waiting the prince with the white horse to take them away, show them love and affection. And both of them will fall for each other.

But as I was growing up and looked around me, everything proved them wrong. People are cruel, full of hate, shameless, unaware of how bad they can damage others. I just locked myself in four walls tired of it. Tired of not having someone to talk to. A real friend. An honest person, pure, innocent, loving, caring, kind, generous. The opposite of the majority.

And then you came into my life.

I am not gonna be able to forget the first time that I saw your face. You were smiling bright, the whole street lighting up. Your eyes were a little smaller. Your nose and cheeks had turned to a light red, as you were speaking to some people, fans. I wish I was closer that moment to picture in my head every detail, to paint your face and put it next to me each time you are gone. And you wore that blue sweater, my favourite one which I'm wearing right now, and that pair of black jeans, always looking good at you. Your hair were curly and every ten seconds your fingers were running through.

I heard your laugh from across the street, a sound that was playing in my mind for days. I had stopped there by accident before I searched around me curious from where the sound came from. That was all it took for me to just stand there and watch you, hug and smile to others, joking around, laughing, giving autographs. I wondered how you would smell every time you crossed your arms around somebody. I liked that you were happy, open handed, polite to them. I knew that you were different that day and even though you might not believe it,is the truth.

And then you glanced at me, taking my breath away. It was like the time had stopped, the world paused and the only ones with the power to move and talk were just the two of us. I felt your brown eyes looking at my soul, my life, my choices, my mistakes. I got embarrassed and scared. Scared that the fairytales were based on real life, that I might have found my prince. I know it sounds stupid, and now that I'm thinking of it, yes it is. But for a second I had that fantasy. My brain and heart stopped working, all my senses gave up. It was only you.

Tom then you smiled at me. ME. My walls that I was building for years fell down with that smile making me feel weak, not being able to process this. I've never had someone to look at me the way you did that day, I thought I was dreaming. Maybe it wasn't something special for you, you had people's eyes on you 24/7 but for me, you were the first. That's why I stood still in my place. I tried to enjoy every second.

I smiled back at you shyly and pulled my hair back, such a girly move. You looked down still with your smile at your face, then back at me and I swear I was ready to explode from all my emotions. I wanted to cry from happiness that finally something changed in my life but also from sadness because I knew that was for only a few seconds. Reality hit my face hard when a couple of men started shouting your name and dragging you to a different direction away for me. And that's when I said to myself that "it was too good to be true" and walked with tears in my eyes. If anyone else was at my place maybe they wouldn't care about it but I did. I lived on the sidelines for so long and I had a chance, I thought I had a chance but I guessed that i didn't deserved it.

And the time when I felt your hand on my shoulder and I saw you standing in front of me I pushed aside all of my negative thoughts and questioned if I was daydreaming and turning crazy. I felt my skin under my clothes burning from your touch, my heart losing control and my brain not working, only my eyes watching and my nose smelling your fragrance. I wanted to hug you just so I can smell it for the rest of my life. Then you talked to me asking if I was okay, your eyes following a teardrop making it's way down to my cheek and I felt so stupid that a boy, a stranger was seeing me like these. Do you remember that?

"Yes" he whispered to himself and turned the page to the other side wanting to read more.

Fast forward to our first date. I was so anxious all day, spending majority of my time in front of a mirror changing outfits, makeup, hair styles not satisfying with anything. I was turning to that teenage girl I always made fun of. I was making circles around the house practicing how I would act around you, how would I speak and what I would say.

You were the sweetest man I could ask for, such a gentleman. I couldn't get my eyes off of you, so confident and handsome, talking about the most silliest things and making me laugh all night with your jokes and random comments for the topic I was talking about. You held my hand and kept listening to me and laughed at my miserably jokes. I was the luckiest woman that night and to the ride back at my house I remember feeling so sad that I had to say goodbye to you even though i wanted to spent more and more time with you. By surprise you didn't stop and continued to drive.

We got to our favorite place now, yours back in the day. I never knew why you did that and although I want so desperately to know I'll never ask. Let that kind of mystery follow. We sat down and kept a deep conversation starting about our past. Well mine. I was battling with my self if I should had open to you or not and I'm glad I did. You listened carefully to what I was saying and held my hand the entire time, squeezing when I was about to cry. You have no idea how much strength you gave me with that touch and how much courage to keep going. I wanted you to know everything that I had been through. It was the only way to know if you would stay and not leave me alone. I was terrified but prepared to fight this feeling of loneliness again.

You kissed me.

I get butterflies only from thinking of it, of our first kiss. Your lips covered mine and our tongues met for the first time exploring each other. Your hands held my cheeks and pulled me closer to you, giving me the warmth I was lacking for years. My hands shaking touched yours after a long time not wanting to let them go and the sensation drove me insane. My heart was exploding inside my chest, my blood was running through my veins faster that lightning, my brain was hurting from the situation and was wondering if this was actually true. I pulled away and opened my eyes. I found yours shut your lips pressed to one another. I thought that you regretted this, that it was stupid and that I seduced you to do this. Your half smiled then showed up, my heart skipped a beat, and you said that this was better than your imagination. My inner child raised from deep down myself. I wanted to jump around, laugh and shout, kiss you again, hold you, hug you, feel you.

Days, months passed away and you stood by my side, making me the happiest person alive. I only had to listen to your voice and everything bad disappeared within a second. It's like you have that superpower to fight the dark inside me so easily. I admired you and still do to this day. I love how you push your problems to the side and listen to mine, it sounds selfish right? I'm always here to listen to you baby not matter what and yes there were times you opened up to me. I wondered if I helped you or not.

"My love.."Tom laughed and grabbed the other piece of paper from the table."..you always do" he mumbled.

But I wish you shared your problems more. I am willing to help you or even just listen to you if you just want to get rid of anything. You are a strong man but sharing your feelings is important, you are not bothering me you know.

Can you recall our first time? Damn I would never forget that, from the way you touched every single inch of my skin to the way I felt at the end. Your kisses and hands got me to placed I had never been before, so dreamy. You whispered to me how much you loved me and how i changed you to becoming a better person. I remember every of your words and I can still your voice clearly next to my ear as our bodies move in sync. You were my first.

If you only knew how much you mean to me. How my view for the world changed because of you. How I met incredible people through you. How I learnt to love, respect, share, laugh, fight, adore, live. How you teached me to finally see the colors around me. How life can be hard, yet awesome. There are nights that we fight, we say things anger makes us too. But by the end of the day I know that I love you so much and that we can get over this. I try to remind my self every night that there are so many reasons to be happy and not sad for a foolish reason. And that's when I turn to you and open my arms for you to hug me and sleep calmly. But you are already waiting for me to do so.

This is my letter to you. I wish I could say those things to you but we both know that i get caught up by my feelings. We would have been talking for hours.

I am not going to be able to stop loving you and that's my weakness. I don't wanna see you cry or heartbroken and you make me melancholic when you are like that. If I could only make you feel the way you make me. I am not the best but I'm trying to I swear and I'll continue to do so every day till the last one.

I love you.

Sincerely yours,

y/n

He wiped away some tears that escaped his eyes and got himself up from where he was sitting to get to you. You had been waiting for him in your bedroom, with roses all around, food and a movie to watch. It wasn't any special day but you felt the need to spoil him with love. In your own way. But as the time went on you fell asleep, with the food at the bedside table and your body hugging his pillow, feeling safe.

Tom smiled at the sight of you sleeping with his pillow in your hands. His heart beat fast as he kept moving closer to you and left a kiss on your forehead.

"I love you too baby" he said and kissed your lips gently. With slowly moves he tried to laid his body next to yours, hugging your waist and pulling you close to his.

It was at this moment that he realised the power you had over him and he was surprised you couldn't notice it.

"I guess I have to write it to you" he laughed at himself and closed his eyes, falling asleep a few moments later with the thought of you at his mind.

#tomholland #tom holland imagines #tomhollandx #tom holland fluff #tom holland imagine #tom holland x #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x you #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland au #tom holland angst #peter parker #peter parker imagine #spiderman #tom holland one shot

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shikantazaart · 4 years

Text

Shikantaza Creativity Interview III - SPARTALIEN

At Shikantaza we are not content to just create art. We want to understand art. We want to understand the people who make art. Into the act of creation. Who are the people behind the art work? What motivates them? Where do they find their inspiration?

No two people think and act alike, so it is even less likely to find two artists who think and act alike. Yet, there will be crossovers, shared thoughts and shared experiences. Where do we adjoin and where do we diverge?

Our series of interviews with artists and creators aims to answer these questions.

In interview number three we speak to multimedia experimenter SPARTALIEN. You can find his creations here https://spartalien.com/visual as well as a collection of his work in the Shikantaza gallery.

1 - Starting with the most important question - Who is Memoria?

Memoria is Latin and means, when translated, memory / remembrance.

I named the merchandise for the album "2358" Memoria instead of Memory, because the main track titles are also translated into Latin.

I see my merchandise as small memories/artefacts. Not only because they are very rare, but because I can never go back to that time.

“Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things” - Cicero

2 - You work across different mediums. Do you have any preference for a specific form? When did you first find the format that was “you”?

I became really infected with the digital virus around in the late 90s when I built my first computer. A year or two later I started taking photos and manipulating them digitally. I also had a few printed, which allowed me to bring the digital into the real world. Then I discovered IRC and started learning a little bit of TCL. Since I had fun coding, I decided to learn the basics of web development because I needed a website to show my pictures to other people. In general, I was fascinated by the flow of information on the Internet. That distance is no longer a real hurdle when it comes to data transmission.

I've always loved music as a listener and small collector. I was then and still am one of those people who never go out of the house for long periods of time without a Walkman. Music production came into play when a couple of friends set up a small studio where they produced Techno/Psy. When I was there for the first time, I knew immediately that I wanted to try it too. A few old tracks from back then are still available on my website.

From then on, many of my projects have developed in the direction of music. The input for a program was often music metadata or it was a website that was about music in some way or another. But since I was still at the very beginning of my learning process, I kept discarding practically everything in order to improve it or to learn new things. Around 2001, I started a web radio with friends, which was online for several years. The music was mainly Downtempo, Trip-Hop, IDM and Ambient. Promos from unknown artists from around the world were also broadcasted.

The atmosphere, the feeling I got from this time - how the music finds me and not the other way around, how it can change people's thoughts - has never left me since then.

3 - Do you feel that each medium allows you to express yourself differently from the others? How do you choose which medium you work in any given moment?

Yes. But I think you can convey the same feelings with any medium. The question is how direct it is. For example, pain can be expressed with fire but also with a chair in an empty room. At the end of the day, in my opinion, it's not about the artist's intention but about the perception of the viewer and his or her subsequent thoughts and actions. For example, imagine you make a dark ambient track that you experience as sad and heavy, but someone else tells you that it helped to relax and develop thoughts.

In addition to all of this, each medium also has advantages and disadvantages when it comes to technical implementation. So, sometimes the choice can also purely depend on skill or resources.

We all have ideas and often out ambitions outweigh our resources. Sometimes we need more resources, but more often than not we need to chip away at our ideas until our ambitions and resources align.

4 - Do you seek different sources of inspiration for your music than you would for your visual creations?

It's everything in the world around me that inspires me. Everything I perceive and feel, so to speak. Most of the time I don't have a melody or a picture in my head. It is more of a feeling and then I look for the right tone or shape for it, so to speak.

5 - How closely are your creations connected to each other?

Very close one could say - through my thoughts that I have wrapped in it. I always had a bit of a problem putting my thoughts into words. I tend to stray through various topics when I talk about something. With music and visuals, it feels lighter and more natural to get to the point. The "message" doesn't always get through, but being able to do so is liberating and invaluable to me.

6 - If you were to direct people to a specific piece of work that you feel really nails what you are aiming for with your creations, which would it be?

This is a hard question. Maybe I would ask you to sit down and listen to the album "FLOATING HIGH" in one sitting. Since it felt like coming home to me while making it. The music is less intrusive and not as precise in its message as the previous releases. Like its cover art, where the clouds could be seen as opening or closing. I wanted to create tracks that leave more room for thought while still telling a story.

7 - You have “X minutes of peace” on your site. Why is this needed? Was this made for you or for others?

For others but also for myself. For me it is self-reflection that allows me to understand myself better. But since I have problems with "just switching off my head", the moments in which I just sit quietly and let the recording device do its work are very valuable. In moments like these I can really switch off and think about something very carefully. Asking questions even though I feel like I don't have an answer. Or simply enjoying the precious fresh air and sounds of nature.

Unfortunately, too many people don't have time for that kind of peace. Too much pressure is on them. They either get this or that, or they can't survive. It's so sad how the system works. I simply think that if everyone would have more inner-peace, the world would be a better place. But then again, what do I know living under a rock between mountains?

The videos should allow us to find peace for a few minutes, no matter where we are. So that new and hopefully useful thoughts can develop.

The series Let It All Go is actually the same thing, just with music.

For the really dark hours there is BRAIN I/O. From time to time I prefer to embrace the pressure. Difficult to describe. The concept is basically: don't think, just feel and record it. It's about things that I personally want to leave behind or at least want to learn to accept (not necessarily being okay with) them if I can't change them.

Peace is an issue for me. When I briefly find it only points the way to the next act. This is fantastic but self defeating. Why can’t we just stay in peace?

8 - When inspiration has left the building where do you look to find it?

I'm not really actively looking for inspiration. Somehow it doesn't work that way for me. So variety is important to me. That is why I usually have several side projects going on in the areas that I do not much publicize. Much of it never leaves my hard drive and is mainly intended to free my mind and get on to new ideas in the process. Coding, graphics, drawing, etc. But the music production is and remains the main focus.

9 - These are the questions I am asking all the interviewees. Why do you create? What is it that pushes you to keep creating?

The inner child is just too strong. I've been living for a while and I know exactly nothing. It kind of feels like that. So many things that you can create with the computer alone. I'm stuck in that loop where you just love to create things and learn - and use the new knowledge to create new things. Things!

10 - What would most assist you to create more works? Is there an ultimate goal for your creations?

More time and resources for sure. but most important to me is the feeling that my loved ones are safe. When I have to worry about their future because the system is going the way it is, it feels like a pile of stones in my head.

The creative / social goal of my art is relatively simple and based on my own experience. Art has helped me tremendously when I felt lost - or when I was just "bored". Taking time to really listen to or look at something can be very liberating.

My short-term financial goal is to generate a more or less regular income through art. But since I never released anything commercially before 2016, this world is still new to me.

My dream goal is to hear my music in film and games and to generate an income that supports my family.

Nonetheless, I think goals are here to create an initial path, not necessarily motivation.

I do not know of a single soul who has not been lost. Some never find their way back. Some don’t need to find their way back, they are happier in the place they found.

11 - If you were to offer a creator any advice what would it be?

Based on my own experience in no particular order:

Stay curious and open minded for different viewpoints.

Tutorials can limit your creativity. Sure, learn the basics, but explore as much as you can on your own and never be afraid to fail. It's a process, not a game.

On projects that take longer than a day to complete, set yourself a deadline when you want to have it completed. Not important if it takes longer, but in general that helps to stay more focused.

Very few things are easy when you start.

Limitations are not necessarily bad.

Don't wait for motivation to create. It will kick in usually a few minutes after you've started. Therefore keep your tools ready and organized so you can start creating at any time.

You can always turn off the internet.

Be open for constructive criticism.

Especially for the digital crowd, backup your stuff!

(All images and works by SPARTALIEN)

#shikantaza #art #music #video #visual #creation #peace

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nomazee · 4 years

Text

Designated Driver (2)

☆ akaashi keiji x reader; bokuto koutarou x reader

word count: 1700+

content: themes of unrequited love, personal development, angst/fluff

cross-posted on my ao3

PART ONE

(here’s the second part!!! sorry for taking so long with it, the week’s been a bit hectic for me.

i think this is up there on my list of favorite things i’ve written (which is....unsurprisingly, very short). i really hope you guys like this final part, and feel free to tell me about anything you liked/didn’t like!

ALSO!! reminder that requests are open!! please read my request rules before sending one in <3

happy reading!!)

☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽

You told Akaashi that night over the phone that you would talk to him tomorrow. That was a blatant lie.

The day after the party was one of those days where you didn’t share any lectures with him, so you didn’t naturally bump into him at any point throughout the day. On top of that, you were a little bit frazzled with reviewing the coursework of your weakest class to allot any time to text Akaashi and the male himself hadn’t done so, either.

You let it be. All things happened for a reason. And having a break from him for a little bit would be beneficial to you, you figured.

On the other hand, you and Bokuto grew closer and closer by the day. Neither of you were great with tutoring, but studying separate subjects in each other’s presence was good enough for both of you. Any free time that you were willing to lend him was spent either going out to newly discovered diners or cooking (very chaotically) at the chosen person’s apartment of the night. (Though, on top of this, Bokuto made sure to let you have time for yourself, careful not to overcrowd your schedule of just him all the time.)

It was a bit new, adjusting to this temporary lack of Akaashi Keiji in your life. But Bokuto was a really good friend. You were surprised (and a little disappointed in yourself, to be honest) that you didn’t allow yourself to get as close to him before this whole thing happened. You two were still friends before--you, Bokuto and Akaashi could be considered a sort of “friend group” but you were significantly more comfortable with the latter than the former. You had times where you hung out with both of them and times where you only hung out with Akaashi, but until now you’d never individually spent time with Bokuto.

Neither of you had addressed it out loud, but you knew Bokuto was really doing his best to try and take your mind off of what had happened at the party. Occupying you with things distinctly unrelated to Akaashi, trying to fill up time spent alone with his presence--all of that was his attempt (successful attempt, at that) to make your mood better.

And to make you stop relying on Akaashi so much.

You hated to admit it--who liked admitting their own falsehoods?--but you really were reliant on Akaashi for a good majority of your happiness. You always seeked his validation and used the time he spent around you to assure yourself that, ‘yes, I am a likeable person, and him being my friend proves it!’

You cringed a bit just looking back on your old mindset, though the flinch of your inner thoughts was easily subdued by the mental comparison you made between how you lived with Akaashi constantly present in your life and how you lived now, with a different person and a different mentality.

Bokuto was sure to not turn into a sheer replacement for the hole Akaashi left in your head. The time he allotted for you to spend by yourself was entirely intentional--something that was, yet again, an unspoken intention but one that you were both entirely aware of. Emotionally intelligent as he is, Bokuto ensured that you didn’t build up yet another reliance on an individual person. Every time you spent a night by yourself, he’d make sure to send you a text, like, “take some time and just relax tonight! use the bath bombs you got for your birthday! :)” or “i’ve watched that movie before! i think you’ll really like it” before telling you to turn off your phone and enjoy yourself.

It was very different, now that you thought about it. The time you used to spend alone, without Akaashi, was always a bit empty for you, no matter how many new dishes you tried out or what series you decided to marathon. Now it was much more fulfilling--you knew how to divide your time fairly between social events (read: cooking spaghetti with Bo) and individual relaxation.

Reminiscing on your mindset made you feel a mix of emotions. It was a bit sad how tightly you latched onto someone you weren’t even in a relationship with. You were relieved you could move past that phase, though. Here you were, developing a sense of individuality in only a few weeks of time. It was a drastic change, but one that you were proud of. (Bokuto was proud, too, though he never outright said it and preferred to show it in the small gifts he gave you from time to time.)

You did occasionally wonder if you should text Akaashi, but left that up for the black-haired male to decide for himself. You were content either way, no matter how much your old conscious resurfaced and nagged you to text him back.

It was a bit of a shock to hear a knock on your door on a late Saturday afternoon. You and Bokuto promised to meet up somewhere, so he wouldn’t have shown up at your apartment like this.

Your expression turned curious from your place in the kitchen, where you’d been sipping on water and scrolling through your phone while waiting to leave. You placed the glass down and walked over to your door, opening it.

You were right in thinking it wasn’t Bokuto. But you really weren’t expecting Akaashi to be here, either.

Surprise was evident in your expression. Akaashi met your eyes before looking at your doorframe and shifting his weight from foot to foot nervously. You took the initiative to start talking.

“Hey, Akaashi. I wasn’t expecting you to come over. What’s going on?” He looked at you properly now, lips fluttering open and closed in an attempt to grasp cohesive words together.

“Can I come in?” Was what made it out, and you obliged to his request. He seemed a little jumpy in your presence, only making you more concerned as time passed.

“Did you… need something?” His hands clasped together and he began picking at his cuticles habitually. You couldn’t help the downturn of your lips at the action.

“No, I’m fine. I just wanted to talk with you. And see if maybe you wanted to hang out today?”

Oh, you thought. That was nice of him. Though he could’ve texted you first before showing up at your house spontaneously. (You tried not to read too much into that fact.)

You gave him a gentle simper, happy that he was finally beginning to try and reconcile with you after everything. Better late than never, right?

“I’m glad you’re talking with me again, Akaashi.” His expression softened at your words, mirroring your own smile. “I can’t do it today, though, but I should be free next week if that’s okay?”

The expression of elation on his face faltered the slightest bit at hearing you were occupied today. “Yeah, that’s fine. You’re going somewhere right now?”

You checked the time on your phone--five minutes until you should leave. You nodded at him, “Yeah, I’m going to that new diner downtown with Bokuto. We heard good things about it, so… we figured we should try it out.”

Akaashi’s expression--you could only describe it as owlish. His eyes widened and he blinked at you questioningly. “Oh. I didn’t know you were both so close.”

A fond countenance appeared on your features at the mention of your bond with the male. “Yeah, after everything… happened,” you couldn’t help but flinch after bringing it up, assuming the wound may still be fresh on his part, “we just started hanging out a bit more. He’s really nice.”

You said that last part as an afterthought, really, but Akaashi noticed how it came so naturally to you to describe his friend in that way. He felt like he was overthinking, but it seemed like you were doing just fine without him. Like you didn't miss him at all.

“Are you guys dating?” Internally, he chastised himself for being so straightforward. A beat of silence passed, and he was preparing himself to apologize when you spoke up.

“No, we’re not.” And that was it. A simple answer, no elaboration, nothing to further clarify--vague enough to let Akaashi continue his overthinking.

His eyes flitted up to yours. Your ears were tinted with a soft pink. An ache persisted in the back of Akaashi’s throat at the implications of your expression. Fuck.

You checked your phone again. It was time to leave. You relayed this information to Akaashi and let him walk you down to the parking lot so he could leave at the same time.

Making your final steps to your car, you turned around to face him and say goodbye when you were pulled into a tightened, warm embrace.

A sound of surprise left your throat, and Akaashi pushed his forehead into the crook of his shoulder, like he was searching for comfort in the cotton of your cardigan and the floral smell of your skin. He felt like he was choking in your body wash, but thought that wouldn’t be a bad way to die.

Instinctively, your hand reached up to the crowd of his head and tangled itself in the depths of his hair (unruly, you noted, like he hadn’t bothered to really keep up with his multi-step haircare process that you always teased him for).

“I’m sorry, [Name].” His words, genuine and painful to release on his part, buzzed through the skin covering your trapezius and you suppressed a shudder at the feeling. “I’m so sorry.”

The crack of his voice made a similar attack to your heart. “Akaashi… it’s okay.”

Both of your words were simple, but they were heavy. The head on your shoulder turned to stone and you felt the need to rid yourself of the weight before you succumbed to your old routine. You released the arms you wrapped around him in return, and gave a gentle push against his shoulder.

Glassy blue eyes stared back into yours. You nearly drowned in them, but stopped yourself before you could. You thought that wouldn’t be a good way to die.

“I’ll see you.” With the lack of response on his part, you gave him a gentle smile--as reassuring as you could get it--and made your way into your car.

Akaashi watched you give him a parting wave from behind the tinted windows of your car. He struggled to reciprocate, but did so nonetheless.

You seemed happy enough. It hurt that he wasn’t there to see it. But he figured it would be a good way to live, for both of you.

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ordinaryschmuck · 4 years

Text

What I thought about “Agony of a Witch” from The Owl House

...Well crap. I guess I am reviewing every episode of The Owl House from now on...ARE YOU HAPPY WRITERS?! ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELVES?! ARE YOU SATISFIED?!

...

Anyways, salutations random people on the internet who probably won't read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons. And today, I'm reviewing the penultimate episode of The Owl House’s first season: "Agony of a Witch." It goes without saying at this point, but there are going to be HUGE spoilers for both not only the episode but the entire series as a whole. So if you haven't checked out The Owl House yet, I highly recommend you do so. It's an incredible show, and the next episode is the season finale. So now's your last chance to get all caught up. With that done and over with, let's get started, shall we?

WHAT I LIKE

That opening scene: These first few minutes perfectly sets the tone for the episode. The best example of how the tone is set is with the music. Or rather, lack thereof. The establishing shots of Belos' castle could have had grand and imposing music that gives "The Imperial March" a run for its money. But honestly, the pure silence says so much more about how serious this scene than any background motif could. Because while music does an excellent job of telling us how we should feel, no music means that the right feelings are already met. And in this case, the feelings are dread and terror.

But another thing that perfectly sets the tone is the fact that there aren't any jokes in this scene. If you had to ask me, I'd say that The Owl House is a comedy series with drama and story on the side. This is because the opening scene of every episode begins with trying to make the audience laugh with one or two jokes. That is every episode except for this one. Because "Agony of a Witch" does not open with any jokes leaving the audience with laughter. It begins with an ominous threat and leaving the audience in fear. All of which perfectly sets up how gutwrenching this episode is going to be.

Hooty’s an actual security system: But luckily, it doesn't take too long for the laughs to come right on back.

When it was implied that Hooty was the security system that Eda had set for her house, I never understood how or why. But now I do! Because it turns out that Hooty acts as a force of chaos that just annoys his enemies into submission. And I'm gonna level with you for a second: This scene helps make Hooty a fantastic character. For the most part, I find Hooty an annoying character. And it's partially due to his voice...mostly due to his voice...it's because of his voice. But, I'm sorry, a character wins points for me by accidentally beating an army without even knowing they're fighting.

I don't make the rules. I just abide by them.

“It’s because he’s got the hots for you, isn’t it?”: I like the fact that I pointed this out as a joke in my last review, only for this episode to not only address it but almost immediately dismiss it.

Plus, Eda winking with finger guns is always a win. Again, I don't make the rules.

Eda joking about the curse being a fate worse than death: Some people might make the audacious claim that joking about a fate worse than death soils the mood. And I would agree with that if this was actually a joke. Instead, it feels more like Eda is brushing off the tension by trying to laugh at it. That is something that many people-myself included-do to make people we care about feel better. To me, it feels pretty clear that Eda laughs about her situation so that Luz doesn't worry about her mentor. This shows how much Luz means to Eda, and we see something similar/more impactful near the end that cements that fact. For now, this "joke" is actually a great character moment when you take a second to analyze it.

Luz’s plan to steal the Healing Hat: Staying on track of development, let's talk about how much this scene reflects growth with Luz and Eda's relationship. Luz's willingness to steal from the emperor, and break who knows how many laws in the process, shows how much Luz cares about Eda. It's sweet to think about, even though it comes by Luz making the dumbest decision in her life. And while Luz's plan would ordinarily be a dislike, what turns things around is the fact that there are immediate consequences to Luz's actions. Eda's curse being permanent? Eda getting captured? Luz nearly dying?! All of this would have been avoided if Luz just stuck with the group instead of working on impulse. And there's not a doubt in my mind that's what she was thinking during her long trek home (more on that later). So, yeah. While Luz's plan was misguided, it still has the sweetest of intentions while also showing kids that bad stuff happens when you don't think things through.

Amity staying at home: Narratively speaking, this was a great decision. Amity acts as the voice of reason to Luz's antics. So if she went on the trip too, then she would have talked Luz out of the heist. And the writers found a brilliant workaround by having Amity break her leg in the last episode, to work as an excuse for why she isn't in this one. In fact, let's add more points to "Wing it Like Witches" for planning ahead. That alone makes it more clear about how that episode isn't filler.

Eda knits the cape for Luz: While Luz stealing the Healing Hat shows how much Eda means to her, Eda knitting the cape shows the feelings are very much mutual. It's made pretty evident in the beginning that Eda's planning to use the magic silk to protect herself. So having her instantly make the cape for Luz without a second thought is just the sweetest thing. And you know what? Who's to say that Eda wasn't planning to make the cape anyway? And Eda saying that the silk was for her was just a diversion to throw Luz off? Because if that's the case, then boy does that ending break my heart even more.

(Also, this acts as a fantastic setup for why Luz has a cape that makes her invulnerable to the Emperor's magic in the next episode. At least, I think that's the case going off of what Eda says in the beginning.)

The picture of Luz: Ok, am I the only one who would absolutely love an explanation for this picture? Yeah, it's obvious that Luz got into an eating contest to the death, but how did she even get stuck in this contest? Why was she even in this contest? And why was Eda so proud of this moment that she decided to frame it?

Screw the fanfictions of angst and/or Lumity fluff. Someone write a fanfic about THAT!

The tour of the castle: I talked about in my "Wing it Like Witches" review that I like how the show uses teaching the students as a way to give lore to the audience. And that's what Kikimora's tour does. It uses the student's willingness to learn as a way for the fans to learn more about the lore of the show. However, while these bits of background information is nice and all, there's one question I want to bring up:

How honest is this little history lesson about Emperor Belos? Because do you know who’s the one that can make sure history remembers Belos as a kind and just ruler who united the Boiling Isles? My guess is it's the same person who appointed himself as emperor.

Just a little thing to think about, if you ask me.

The Room of Relics: Gonna tell ya the truth: Seeing all of those relics made the inner child in me go, "Oooh. Shiney."

I'm not kidding when I say that I would love to learn more about each of those relics we see in this episode. I want to learn more about each relic's origins, which track they belong to, and what the hell they even do. And it's not often that I feel this way. Hell, I'm mostly the guy who never gives a crap about lore. But you better believe that if Dana Terrace ever writes a book explaining all of these relics, that I'll be the first to buy it.

Emperor Belos: ...Eep…

I'm not kidding when I say that "Eep" is the best way for me to describe Emperor Belos. The reason that makes Belos feel like a terrifying and opposing character is the same way Darth Vader and Thanos are terrifying and opposing. He's a character that feels like a force of nature that is so powerful, he could probably kill you just by blinking. And it's no wonder why Lilith was so terrified to fail him in the last episode. I'd be terrified just to look at the man without his permission! And that was before it was implied that he sacrifices witches who are covenless!

But, Belos frightening the crap out of me isn't the only reason why he's an excellent villain. What makes him great is that in his debut scene, we learn so much about him...and yet have so many more questions. Like, how can he talk to the titan? What's up with the giant beating heart on top of his throne? Why is he sacrificing witches and discarded palisman to give him power? What the f**k is up with the giant beating heart on top of his throne? Why are there pipes littered throughout his castle? AND WHAT! THE F**K! IS UP! WITH THE GIANT! BEATING! HEART! ON! TOP! OF! HIS! THRONE?!?!

Questions like these help make Belos more interesting of a character that I would love to learn more about. Even though seeing him makes me physically shrink in my chair.

Gus being told that he’s already his best self: I mean, this is just sweet. My man Gus needs more love, dang it!

Eda vs. Lilith: It's like the animators saw the first fight between Eda and Lilith and asked, "How can we make this more awesome?" Turns out, the answer is to make the fight more like an anime than the first one. And MAN, was it successful! However, being epic is not the main reason why it's a captivating fight scene. Because as excellent as it was to see Eda and Lilith fight for the first time, their battle lacked one crucial element that’s in their second fight: Tension. Eda's curse getting worse with each spell and Luz being in constant danger adds so much more tension to this fight. And as a result, it becomes more entertaining to watch Eda fight knowing the odds are highly stacked against her. Because even though Eda was destined to lose, you still hope for the best that she'll somehow win. Which makes her ultimate defeat all the more heartbreaking.

LILITH CURSED EDA?!: What?! WHAT?!

I mean, I expected Eda to lose and get captured. That was something I saw a mile away since watching the promo a few months ago. But revealing that Lilith is the one who cursed Eda?! I could have never predicted that! It was such a shocking revelation that I cannot wait to see how the show handles this going forward. Because, the way I see it, Eda is cutting ties with Lilith after this episode. Even if Lilith has some sort of logical explanation, none of it will matter to Eda. Hell, it already doesn't matter to the fans, who are already jumping on the "Kick Lilith's teeth in" train. As for me, I'm going to wait for the actual explanation before I make any judgments. It is made pretty clear that Lilith regrets what she's done in not only in this episode but through small interactions with Eda in the past. It might not justify her actions, but I am still willing to hear the full story before I come to the conclusion that Lilith must burn in hell. Unless her reasoning was petty revenge or jealousy. In which case, I would like to introduce Lilith to my good friend Frederick Ulisinsburg.

*Lifts up middle finger*

You can call him F.U. for short.

Eda’s goodbye to Luz: Everything about this moment is gutwrenching perfection. I want to start off by talking about the fact that Eda smiles as she's saying goodbye. Earlier I touched upon that Eda joked about having a fate worse than death was an attempt to relieve tension off of Luz. And it's the same thing here. Eda smiling is the only way she can convey to Luz that everything's going to be ok so that her protege won't be upset about their situation. There are just two things that betray Eda during this sentiment. The first is her voice. You can tell that Eda is trying her best to stay emotionally stable for Luz, but it's clear how she's really feeling through each crack in her voice. And credit goes to Wendie Malick for giving such a marvelous performance in this scene. The second thing that betrays Eda is her eyes. Every ounce of pain and sadness that Eda is feeling at this moment can be seen through her eyes. Don't believe me? Then watch this scene again, cover Eda's mouth, and focus on the eyes. You'll see what I'll mean.

And her last word to Luz being "Thank you for being in my life." That cuts deep man...IT CUTS DEEP...GAH!

Luz walks home: It's the moments that you don't experience that can have the most weight to them. We, as the audience, have no idea what happened with Luz as she walked all the way back to the Owl House. But the things we can imagine are much worse. The guilt Luz must be feeling during this walk, as every awful thing that she experienced replays in her mind, like a broken record. The idea of Luz going through something like that just...It just breaks the heart.

“Where’s Eda?”: It's the innocent way that King asks this question is what makes it sad. It shows the childlike naivety in King's character, and imagining what his reaction would be to the truth, makes it even more tear jerking.

Luz cries: Nope. Nope! NOPE!

I will accept a lot of things from this episode. Eda getting captured? Sure. Luz having a literal guilt trip? Why not? King getting to learn the hard way about what happened to Eda? Go for it! But you know what I won't accept? LUZ F**KING CRYING! I'm being one-hundred percent serious when I say that it physically hurts to look at that one single image. Even just thinking about it is enough to make me misty-eyed. And I HATE IT! I mean, I love it because the show successfully made me feel the exact emotions that I should feel. BUT I HATE IT!

WHAT I DISLIKED

I honestly wish I could say that there is nothing that I dislike about this episode. I really do. But there is one small thing that-very briefly-took enjoyment out of the episode. And that’s-

The Kids easily sneaking past the guards: Don't get me wrong, the funny antics that our trio pull off are very entertaining. But it shines a bad light on the Emperor's coven, when the best of the best witches get outsmarted by three children. Plus, this is the penultimate episode of the season. I'm not sure goofy hijinks are the way you want to go. Because while The Owl House is a comedy series, even the funniest of comedies know when to make jokes and when to be serious.

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But despite that one complaint, I still give this episode an A+. It was emotionally draining, and it makes both more excited and incredibly terrified for the season finale. Because we now know the stakes for the next episode. The question is, how will Luz survive.

Now, I'm sure there are people out there who probably hate this episode, and probably the whole series if you want to get into it. And to those people: I feel bad for you. And I'm not saying that as a joke or as a snarky remark. I legitimately feel bad for you. Because I felt a whole range of emotions not just with one episode, not just with one scene, but with one single frame of animation. That image of Luz crying was more effective in getting a reaction out of me than anything else that came out this year. And the idea that some of you won't feel the same way fills me with even more Agony.

#the owl house #the owl house review #what i thought about

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bladekindeyewear · 4 years

Text

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-08-23

More homestuuuuuck

I’m a little tired today so I don’t expect much intelligent analysis out of myself, but if anything classpecty happens I doubt I’ll be able to help myself regardless.

oh, always

(EDITS: added note on horn colors, link to ask on potential Blood powers reference)

> CHAPTER 12. Really Convoluted Metaphorical Horseshit

cuuute

In the bowels of a different ship, at a moment in time that is not pinpointable in either direction from the previous interaction, another Dave raps quietly to himself.

another dave raps quietly to himself. i am glad that phrase exists it brings me joy

(LATER EDIT: A friend on Discord pointed out that throughout this entire update, Karkat's horns are #FF0000 red. They were normal candy-corn colors in previous glimpses at the ship crew, though they used a dark single-color shortcut typical of old Homestuck at one point... but THIS time it stays STARK red even when we zoom in close later. Is this just artistic liberty? Did Karkat color his horns for fashion? Does this happen to red-bloods like the Sufferer after a certain age? Just how much time has actually passed, here? We might have to wait for the commentary for this one.)

KARKAT: I WAS SAYING I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO, I DUNNO, ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP WHILE THE CLOTHES WERE WASHING. KARKAT: SEEING AS THIS DECREPIT MACHINE WE WERE SO BLESSEDLY PROVIDED WITH MAKES A WHIRRING SOUND SO PANCHAFINGLY ARHYTHMIC THAT IT THREATENS TO ERADICATE THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TEMPO FROM THE UNIVERSE.

Karkat really has chilled out hasnt he? like this is surprisingly level for him, and that fact is hilarious.

KARKAT: AND YET SOMEHOW BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE STARTED THE LOAD IS THAT YOU’VE BEEN USING IT AS A FUCKED UP BEAT TO WHISPER TO YOURSELF ABOUT FLOWERS TO.

oh gosh that’s why he’s rapping

> ==>

DAVE: kanaya was telling me this kids story the other day about this dude who didnt cherish a flower enough until it peaced out to do flower stuff idk its not pertinent to the story DAVE: except the flower was a person DAVE: because it was a metaphor

Oh right, coming back to the Little Prince stuff I was too lazy to metaphor-deep-dive into, and literally asking the same questions we were asking about who the Little Prince’s story applies to mapped here if anyone at all, like Dirk and such, or what biases were in the retelling of it and the way Kanaya phrased it. So now we’re practically mocking it by deep diving it here, hence the last page’s “DAVE: i was just thinking through some really convoluted metaphorical horseshit”, which means we’re both about to further explore AND shit all over the existence of this story metaphor until it doesn’t mean anything and most of the meaning we drew from it earlier is made a joke~

well, not “we”, cause I was too lazy, so... y’all

DAVE: anyway what goes down in the story is that once the flower lady is out of the picture DAVE: the main character goes around making all these connections between her and everything else in the universe until every damn thing feels like a symbol for how much he fucked up and how much he will never see her again KARKAT: THIS SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING INTENSE FOR A KID'S STORY DAVE: yea thats pretty much what i said

Oh holy shit. That’s yet another way to put it. Are we doing a whole moral takedown of the Light aspect today? cause it sounds like we’re taking a dump on the Light aspect and RoboRose getting too obsessed and immersed in it, which would be excellent

DAVE: but i guess its not so much what the story was technically textually about but more like the version of it kanaya internalized and then told me when we were talkin about how she misses rose

exactly

DAVE: so like now im taking the story she told me she was projecting her feelings onto and projecting my feelings on top of that

yes absolutely, you just rephrased it a different way with that exact same bias

DAVE: this is just one big game of emotional projection telephone so feel free to go paraphrase it to roxy later and make it about whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing

perfect. i need an emoji for that Italian thing for when you pinch your thumb and forefinger together and kiss it

ah this’ll do:

its like the expression “choice” but in nonverbal form

[...] whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO GET TO THE POINT DAVE: gotem DAVE: anyway you’re not gonna have to miss that skill of mine for long DAVE: get ready for this shit because i am about to slap you with the point so hard youll fall ass first into the washer DAVE: just scrambling around in there getting all sudsy DAVE: but your brain is gonna be so blasted from the mindfreak of a point im about to make that there wont be anything left to clean

Anytime dave is told to get to the point he is contractually obligated to spend at least 20 seconds talking about how he’ll get to the point in a way that is not getting to the point

DAVE: so its genuinely cool that kanaya can go around creating meaning that may or may not be actually present in every little thing DAVE: connecting every feeling she has to the idea of her wife existing out there DAVE: so i told her she should keep that shit up DAVE: but im having the opposite issue where im struggling to find anything to be that kind of tether because every single thing i could possibly consider about what it is were doing just reminds me of yet another thing to be afraid about

Great examples of Light being good and bad! Attaching strands of connective meaning to everything. --though, in Dave’s case AND Kanaya’s case you could argue it’s both bad in terms of effects. That it’s great for Kanaya to care, but that she should be able to divest herself and live on her own terms without idealizing Rose literally everywhere she looks, personal growth which would be useful in helping bring Rose back to her in the first place. The struggle they’re looking forward to is largely philosophical, not just physical, and until Rosebot acknowledges that she was wrong it’s not over.

DAVE: everything fuckin sucks huge cosmic donkey sack and im terrified KARKAT: OK, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SKIPPED A COUPLE NECESSARY STEPS IN YOUR POINT CLARIFICATION PROCESS.

Pretty sure Dave was on the same page as most Epilogue and start-of-HS2 readers. This situation is pretty bleak to dump our heroes into, no matter how much we believe will be resolved in the long run.

DAVE: ok but were you going with sweet or savory please give me that much at least KARKAT: YEAH IT WAS GOING TO BE SUNDAE-BASED. DAVE: nice KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA WATCH MORE GBBO AFTER THIS? DAVE: absolutely

--ah, Great British Bake-Off, can’t say I’ve indulged

do they still have that?? did they save it from old Earth? or did they go where unflooded Britain used to be and say hey, new show reboot

KARKAT: GREAT. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HUMAN CHRIST, PLEASE BACK UP TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU’RE ACTUALLY SCARED OF. KARKAT: ALSO COME HERE, IDIOT.

That last line is like, exactly as fucking sweet and awesome as we imagined their relationship to be. :)

> ==>

OH MY GOD THAT’S ADORABLE

DAVE: ok yeah this is a better position to unleash all my inner fears n anxieties from

indisputably.

DAVE: those times its like my mouth was saying words about the situation wherein our friends are AWOL and maybe dead but my brain wasnt fully letting me experience the emotion that goes along with them DAVE: man its like i cant even start genuinely thinking about how afraid i actually am for rose and john without my brain flippin its wad and whiting out DAVE: like haha fuck i hope theyre ok DAVE: now i better make a fuckin joke before i succumb to the gaping mouth of despair waiting for me to fall in it as soon as i look down and acknowledge that its there ogling how juicy my ass looks as it trembles with terror

I really hope that the writers of HS2 know full well that this feeling? the one Dave is describing here? is what many of us who got way overinvested in the well-being of Homestuck’s surviving characters felt reading the Epilogues and Homestuck^2. So I really hope they’re working through it in a way that will result in a preponderance of GOOD THINGS happening and hope-filled situations. Cause that “can’t even think about X” feeling is too familiar, and if they understand it as well as it LOOKS like they’re getting to, I’d really like them to give us a helping hand healing.

I think that’s what they’re going for? Seems hopeful for me to think so, but they HAVE been doing better as HS2 has been going forward, from an emotional standpoint anyway; definitely better than the Epilogues. And I’ve worked through some of that stuff with the help of that, because it’s MUCH easier nowadays to think about Homestuck without my gut clenching.

DAVE: i guess im just fucked up about how to worry about dirk and be angry at him at the same time DAVE: because if i get as unholy pissed at him as i sometimes wanna be i also gotta admit to myself that maybe i coulda done something different there

Mhmm, Karkat’s potentially a pretty good person to speak with here since he’s done so much work trying not to feel responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong.

DAVE: also like DAVE: and this by the way adds a whole other layer of guilt on there that i dont really know how to fuckin reckon with but DAVE: even with all the shit hes pulled and the fact that we are more or less heading toward having to take him down DAVE: whatever that is gonna mean and whether or not he planned it like that DAVE: i just DAVE: me and him had come so far with each other and it was really cool for a while to have him and i DAVE: ugh DAVE: i dont WANT to hate him

Yeah, Dirk and Jane’s heel-turns were really shitty for anyone who was a fan of them in the fanbase, as well.

KARKAT: WELL THEN QUIT FUCKING PICKING AT THE SEAM ON MY SHORTS AND SPIT IT OUT. THEY'RE BARELY HANGING ON TO THE DEFINITION OF "SHORTS" AS IT IS.

That is an adorably real boyfriend-laying-in-boyfriend’s-lap thing to do

DAVE: the part i mentioned before about how we really have no goddamn clue how long this trip is even gonna take DAVE: i cant help but feel like its barely getting revved up DAVE: and for me and roxy and jade and callie and kan thats normal shit at best and boring at worst but we all have our immortality to thank for that DAVE: we can just dick around in space for near-eternity waiting to catch up to our friends who may or may not be our enemies now and itll be fine DAVE: i mean no itll be categorically miserable DAVE: but well survive it KARKAT: HOLD THE FUCK ON. DAVE: but you KARKAT: DAVE. DAVE: no lemme say this

Oh god damnit. Karkat’s limited lifespan. As if we hadn’t ALREADY covered a nauseatingly extensive gamut of disheartening topics of conversation. We really have to confront every shred of misery in their past, present and future one after the other after the other in the Epilogues and HS2, don’t we? >:(

I guess it had to be discussed, though.

DAVE: we dont talk about it much and i got shit to say about it DAVE: its not like i never thought about how youre mortal before but i just thought wed be able to figure it out before it mattered DAVE: come up with some kind of plan DAVE: i was just distracted being happy with you i fucking guess and so i didnt think up a way to fix it DAVE: and now thanks to dirk we have to work it out right the fuck now DAVE: because i cant spend this trip just sitting around watching you get old and die

Jesus. I mean, WE know(?) that it’s not gonna be THAT many years, but THEY don’t know that.

Unless it really IS going to be that many years and HS2 is going to shamelessly take a fucking sledgehammer to our feelings for no goddamn good reason. Which it won’t! Right??? >:T

> ==>

Dishwasher ding

> Dave: Grapple with the clean, soggy consequences of the passage of time.

Hey, don’t make it a metaphor here. --though, fuck. I suppose we are dealing with everyones dirty laundry. God damnit. SURE, deal with it all story but then GET IT OUT OF THE WAY AND PUT SOME SERIOUS FUN AND LAUGHS IN HERE so we don’t feel like we’re wading through an entire garbage dump!!! *click*

Karkat’s eyebrows-only mouthless frown is really cute.

> ==>

okay Karkat explain the nope you’re lodging

> ==>

*put*

> ==>

*foot*

> ==>

DAVE: ok go on

I mean I at least appreciate the time investment in adorable boyfriends. That’s definitely something of SOME good value they’re giving us in exchange for this misery

> ==>

That Karkat image makes me wanna do that red-shaky-gif-thing with it

KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEW TO THE PARTICULAR MOOBEAST WRANGLING EVENT OF SOMEONE I PREVIOUSLY LOVED BRUTALLY TURNING ON ME AND LEAVING ME TO TRY AND CRAM MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION BACK TOGETHER ALL ON MY OWN.

True

KARKAT: HE DID THAT ON HIS OWN. AND WE MADE THE CHOICE TO GO AFTER HIM ON OUR OWN.

Yes, and you’ll possibly convince him more of that over time, though not in this short conversation

KARKAT: I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR LITTLE TRAIL OF COOKIE CRUMB FEARS UNTIL IT LEAD TO THE BIG SNACK FINALE OF WORRY ABOUT MY FRAGILE MORTAL MEATSACK. KARKAT: IF I HAVE SOMEHOW NOT BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THIS WITH YOU YET, LET ME GO AHEAD AND RECTIFY THE SITUATION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. KARKAT: HANGING OUT WITH YOU ON THIS LONG TRIP TO WHO THE SHITTING FUCK KNOWS WHERE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE MEAGER EXISTENCE. KARKAT: I'M SO ABSOLUTELY BLISSED THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID IMMORTALLY SMOOTH HUMAN FACE SKIN EVERY DAY AND NOT HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT IT.

D’AWWW

And with that darkly angry expression too, that’s PERFECT

I mean it’s true. What exactly would they be doing DIFFERENTLY on Earth C other than enjoying each other like this? It’s pretty fucking great.

...hm. Isn’t this journey-not-the-destination stuff pretty Breathy? Karkat’s proving more balanced by the moment.

KARKAT: AND I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SOME COMPLICATED GUILT, MYSELF. KARKAT: THE FACT THAT I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE JUST FUCKING CHILLAXING AND BEING IN LOVE IN SPACE IS A CLEARLY INCONGRUOUS WITH THE REASON I'M ACTUALLY HERE CHILLAXING TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF FORGET THAT, EITHER.

Pff. He feels guilty for ENJOYING IT so much. <3

KARKAT: BUT I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT MY HAPPINESS IS REGISTERING FOR YOU AS YOU HAVING TO JUST "SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME GET OLD," BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I’m glad Karkat knows that DAVE knows somewhere in him that it’s more than that, because yeah, if Karkat thought he DIDN’T know that at some level that’d be a reason to take MUCH MORE SERIOUS offense.

KARKAT: LIKE, JESUS, DAVE. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID FOR YOU, TOO, RIGHT? KARKAT: OR DID YOU FORGET THE WHOLE HEROIC DEATH THING? KARKAT: I WORRY ABOUT LOSING YOU FAIRLY FUCKING REGULARLY.

Hah!!! Point taken. Karkat must view Dave as practically more fragile than HIM.

KARKAT: ONE: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA THAT I REFUSE TO NOT ENJOY THIS SHIT WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET IT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY OR MAY NOT LAST. KARKAT: TWO: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING NOTHING. WE’RE MOVING. WE’RE WORKING. WE’RE HEADED SPECIFICALLY TO A PLACE WHERE WE WILL UNDOUBTLEDLY ENDURE YET MORE FUCKING HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA. KARKAT: AND THREE: WE'RE DOING THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THAT NEED US. THAT IS OUR FOCUS, HERE. NOT OUR FEAR. IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO SAVE. KARKAT: SO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, DAVE. I'M FINE.

Okay, this is great and wholesome. I am now retroactively GLAD that this topic got brought up. :)

> ==>

Dave is still afraid. There is a part of him that will always be, he thinks. He has accepted this about himself. There is another feeling coursing through him too, though. It’s something he's felt before, though never quite so intensely. He looks up at Karkat and understands, viscerally, the simple power his words have. They pump through Dave’s own body, alive and warm and true.

He wonders if Karkat realizes it, or if he’s just, as always, saying what he feels as he feels it. Dave doesn’t attempt to dissect it further. There will be time for that later.

Every really loving moment like this is sort of undercut by the fact that it’s also, in some senses, part of alt!Calliope’s narration and, by extension, her fanfiction.

EDIT 2: There's also either a hint to potential Blood powers or even an explicit Blood power use here that I didn't recognize. I'm leaning towards it's-laying-the-groundwork-for-future-use-of-Blood-powers-but-isnt-magical-in-this-case.

> ==>

Smooooch!

That was nice. Still gonna wait on doing any commentary til next time or a Bonus update or two, cause I’m beat. See y’all next time!

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #spoiler #spoilers #Breath and Blood #Light and Void

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healingchildhoodtrauma · 4 years

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*trigger warning: child abuse, suicide

The unraveling of a lifetime of denial

At the beginning of last year, I cut all ties with my abusive brother after I started having vivid, highly disturbing nightmares about him. I could no longer deny how badly he hurt me. I couldn’t even see his name or picture without going into a flashback.

Also at the beginning of last year, I went no contact with my narcissistic mother. She pretended to empathize and believe me about my brother to then go behind my back and complain about “having to handle me with kid gloves” (although she never has, even when I actually was a kid).

I lived with my sister from then until February of this year, who showed me beyond a shadow of a doubt (and even admitted) that she’s just like my mother. So after a lot of wrestling with my own denial, I had to go no contact with her as well.

That left my dad. I stayed in contact with him until about April/May of this year! But once I started being honest with myself about everyone in my family, peeling back the layers of denial.. and no longer had to live in disassociation because I no longer lived with any family members, it became more clear to me all the ways he was abusive on his own. There was like a tier of abusive people in my family, everyone abused me physically when I was a child and continued to emotionally even into my adulthood. I started to realize any connection to my family at all kept me stuck in this role as the scapegoat - I saw myself through their eyes: as worthless, deserving abuse, my feelings didn’t matter. I was struggling with money and my dad offered to help, the last time I saw him he was cold and indifferent as he always is, but I couldn’t make excuses anymore. I couldn’t fawn anymore. I’m an adult now, I don’t need these trauma responses to survive, I don’t have to retraumatize myself any longer. I remember feeling fine before seeing him, then after I saw him I was hit with a huge wave of feeling suicidal. It couldn’t be any clearer to me what I had to do. It was excruciating: but I had to let go of the final person in my family I was making excuses for.. I was believing a fairy tale in my head about, “at least I had this person” when really they were hurting me along with the rest of them. I made the decision to give up my car, to accept any financial consequences that would arise from not depending on him any longer or seeing/speaking to him in any way. My inner child wasn’t safe around him. I had to hide my vulnerability, and I already have to do that with the rest of the world. To try to do that around the people that should feel like home, is draining and depressing.

The shedding of the denial and disassociation I lived in for my entire life was the most painful and difficult process, I don’t even know how to convey it or put it into words. I remember I sat down at my laptop and started writing a google document intended to be the start of a book. I thought I could sum up my mother’s narcissistic abuse rather quickly. But when I started writing, in a house without any family or abusers, the truth came flooding back to me. I was never safe. My childhood was characterized by violence and threats of violence. I have actually been abused by everyone in my family. Not just emotionally but physically as well. I was like a lamb among wolves. The more I learned about narcissistic mothers and how they triangulate and manipulate the whole family, I felt like I finally understood what was wrong with my family. I see now why my mother worked so hard to keep my controlled and gaslit. Once I started seeing this I couldn’t unsee it. I tried writing about my childhood and realized there were entire years I have barely any recollection of. For the first time in my life since childhood I was flooded again with the sheer terror of my childhood. It wasn’t just neglect. They weren’t just busy or stressed. They were purposely cruel. No amount of minimization or invalidation could make me unsee this truth.

For months I lived in this terror. It didn’t help that there were many compounding factors leading to the decline of my mental health. I got the worst physical injury I’ve had in my life, and every time my wife would undress, clean and redress the wound, I would go into a flashback of when I was physically hurt by my family members and couldn’t get away or fight back. I cried and cried and cried, I shook, I screamed. I didn’t understand what was happening for a while, I didn’t understand why I felt so trapped and powerless and terrified. My wife of course wasn’t purposely hurting me at all, she was helping me, doing what had to be done, and it tore her up to see me in so much pain. It was also physically gruesome to me. I couldn’t look at the wound. It also impaired my functioning more than it already was, because it was my right hand. I couldn’t open or pour myself drinks, I couldn’t really make myself meals, I couldn’t type on my phone which was how I was journaling.

Around this same time the pandemic hit. Along with my constant flashbacks and my finger injury, I started developing OCD like behavior: intense fear of not washing my hands enough, of anything being dirty or contaminated, I felt like I could never get clean enough. I was having daily panic attacks, along with the flashbacks and uncontrollable crying that would happen twice a day when my finger was being cleaned and dressed. I started starving myself. I developed constant headaches, dizziness, fatigue, my muscles and bones started to hurt. I started sleeping all day and only being awake at night in the darkness of my room. I barely left my room, even to go to the bathroom or kitchen. Sitting up became difficult. I remember almost blacking out, feeling swallowed by darkness, and surrendering to it: thinking yes, please, take me, finally. I developed agoraphobia, afraid to even sit on my porch, everyone and everything felt like a threat. I tried sitting by a window and still felt exposed and scared, I’d end up quickly shutting the blinds if I saw anyone and always felt myself scanning for danger. I knew this was CPTSD. I tried a couple different jobs and couldn’t do them, due to my physical and emotional impairments. By June, I gave myself til the end of the month for things to get better. I said to myself, if things don’t get better by then, I give myself permission to kill myself. A wave of relief and joy washed over me. Only one more month!!! Finally, no more suffering! Finally, no more living for others while I am already dead inside. Although at the same time there was this tiny little voice inside me that knew these things I was experiencing were going to get better in time. I kept this plan a secret from my wife. I planned what I was going to do and where my body was going to be found. Then the next day I tried hanging out with her like normal and she started talking about the future. Months from now, things we could do together. I started crying, I didn’t tell her why, I just knew there was no way I could do this to her, no matter how much I was suffering. Within a couple days I told her to keep the bottle of pills with her at night while she went to work because I wanted to overdose on them. Positive change came at the end of the month via a work from home job I tried to do, but could only do for 2 weeks before burning out. But it was enough for me to keep on living and not feel like a burden. Eventually I told my wife about the deal I made with myself and why, and she assured me she wanted me around even if I couldn’t work. Around the time I made the plan I remember being in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, into my eyes, and it was like my inner child inside me said to me, Don’t give up on me.

I tried a free counselor and she wasn’t good. I tried an anti depressant and the side effects were too bad for me to stay on it. This whole time I was self medicating with cannabis but at times it would make the flashbacks and paranoia worse. My finger finally healed. I finally found a supplement that helped me have enough energy to get out of bed more, to cook and even to dance. I learned what to do during flashbacks. I learned how to comfort my inner child. I learned about “high functioning” autism and how so many females go undiagnosed or get misdiagnosed as BPD (which I was in 2013). It explained so many of my difficulties my entire life, including my being taken advantage of by so many people, my hyper sensitivity and my current burnout. The term masking perfectly described what I’ve been doing my entire life. I thought everyone mimicked personalities they thought were likeable to such a degree, I thought everyone followed scripts in their head. I started seeing how the flashbacks from trauma I’ve been experiencing have been compounded by the rumination/brain loops from autism, and meltdowns from sensory overload. I’m finally at a place where I feel like I know how to manage flashbacks and I’m aware of my sensory intolerances/sensitivities. I’m finally at a place where I consistently listen to my body, I don’t push myself into meltdowns. I’m still not working, I still have physical symptoms that we think may be MS but we don’t have insurance for me to see a neurologist yet. I am not starving myself, I’m forcing myself to eat. I’ve been able to go outside more. It’s September, we’re still in a pandemic and I still have trauma to work through, but it’s a lot less on my plate then a couple months ago. I’ve been stretching and even lifting weights from time to time. I’ve been singing and writing. This whole time I’ve been researching everything intensely, it’s one of my “preoccupations”. I’ve learned so much about CPTSD, childhood trauma, narcissistic abuse/families and I continue to learn every day. If you read this far, thank you for reading. I just had to get this out. I’m aware it’s not grammatically perfect. I feel a shift happening as I understand myself more and more. I don’t think too far in the future. But I know I’m heading in the right direction. I know I made the right decision in going no contact with my family. I know it wasn’t my fault they did what they did/are who they are. I’m finding joy in the little things. I still have bad days, healing is like that... two steps forward, one step back. I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through. I want more girls with autism to have support and understanding. I don’t want kids to go through abuse and blame themselves. I don’t want scapegoat children of narcissistic mothers/families to feel obligated to stay in contact with their parasitic families. I want mental health care to be better, more accessible and more affordable.

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thewhaatever · 5 years

Text

BE MORE CHILL LONDON

My brain was very bad at processing things that day but seeing the show on Saturday was honestly the best experience of my life and here's why:

First of all: Joe Iconis was sitting two rows in front of me.

I was freaking out a little and my friend was laughing at me but I didn't want to annoy him so I tried to chill

But then he was standing behind us in line for merch (he was buying a whole bunch of his own merch which was kinda funny) and some other people talked to him so I did too and I'm not entirely sure what I said to him but he was SO nice and then I got a picture and... yeah I was just really happy.

Now to the show:

The set was incredible. Absolutely amazing.

The screen was used so perfectly and made everything seem like a videogame, honestly.

It was basically the only set. The only furniture they had was a desk for Jeremy's room, chairs for the school and some other minor things (I have to say it did seem a little bit empty at times and I wish that would have used a bed at least - didn't make sense to me that Jeremy falls asleep at his desk - but I'm probably just too used to the Broadway set)

More Than Survive was SO good! Scott puts so much emotion in his portrayal of Jeremy... I can't really describe what exactly he did but something about his Jeremy felt so real and yeah I might have cried a little... (I honestly think he’s my favourite Jeremy so far)

Also: Blake's Michael is very different from George's but in such an interesting way. I loved him the second he entered the stage. He really did capture the "Doesn't care about what anyone thinks, but deep down he does a little" - Energy.

Play Rehearsal was.... wow.

Miracle's Christine had no chill. At all. She was so unbelievably weird and quirky. (Also, she seemed much colder / not interested in talking about anything except theatre and when she didn't want to talk about something she was really showing that by acting uninterested... I thought that was an interesting take that definitely worked for the character) Every normal person would have been a little freaked out by her energy during the song probably but Jeremy was just staring at her the whole time with heart eyes it was really cute.

Favourite part was how Jake said: "Rich is doing it cause he's MY BOI!"

Squip Song was great, his VOICE!! WOW. I love James's Rich. Like, you could really see that even though he's the school's bully, there's something underneath that's not right. Everything he did felt very forced and I loved it (also, I told James at the stage door that Rich is my favourite character and that made him really happy apparently)

Now that I am thinking about it, I think they changed that scene a little and Rich didn't pee (so that conversation was missing) but that was probably due to the set bc the toilets were just projections on the screen so it would have been weird if he pretended to pee on the screen 😂

Also really loved the use of the screen during that whole scene, it was flashing and glitching when Rich's Squip was acting up

They brought back the bean bags for Two Player Game!!

The staging for this was so cool because at the end when Jeremy and Michael were dancing the screen made it look like they were the characters in the game (but differently than on Broadway) and I loved it (I'm sorry I'm really bad at explaining this)

Also, Blake's 'Is it really true, I'm your favourite person' was so funny, he did like a model pose or something and was sliding off the bag.

Scott was basically sitting on the floor the whole time because he somehow didn't manage to properly sit on that bag

Also, I think they changed the dialogue about Jeremy's mum a little bc when Michael asks him if he's heard from her Jeremy said "A little" and I'm pretty sure he didn't say that before

I feel Blake's Michael is that kind of person who's really bad at expressing how he feels... like, you could see in his face that he didn't like Jeremy's idea about going to the Payless and that he was genuinely scared about being too uncool for Jeremy afterwards but he really tried to say the "will u be to cool for... videogames" kinda jokey and yeah I'm overanalysing but I loved it

One thing in general: Everyone seemed really young on stage, definitely much younger than the Broadway cast. Especially Jeremy and Michael. I really believed that they were teenagers!! And I really love that.

Scott was fidgeting a LOT with his hands and I feel like that was very in character for Jeremy. I thought so often that he would drop things.... (like the money in the scary stockboy scene.. it took him so long to give it to Michael)

Jakes favourite restaurant is Pizza Hut now

When the Squip was activated Scott was screaming and rolling across the entire stage and it would have been funny if it didn't look like he was actually in pain

Because the stage was different the Squip had to walk on for his entrance and somehow that was incredibly funny to me but I can't explain why

Stewart Clarke. Holy shit. I'd totally swallow a supercomputer if it looked like him! I loovveeed his take on the role. I've seen interviews with him where he was talking about how he has to think of so many weird questions like how does a computer act, does it feel, how does it feel etc. And I really saw that he was thinking about those things. At the beginning his Squip was very robot-ish, simply focused on making Jeremy cool, without any secret plan or anything. But throughout the show, the Squip clearly evolved and became more... human, I guess? Like it was showing more and more human traits/emotion which peaked in The Play (later more on that)

In conclusion: I loved the Squip so so much

Squip: "Everything about you makes me wanna die!"

Jeremy: "Uhhhhhh this is intense!!"

The Brooke/Chloe scene in the mall was so funny and the part where the Squip tells Jeremy what to say (u know, in bmc pt.1) might have been my favourite part of the show. Scott looked so awkward and confused by everything but he did his best to mirror the Squip (they did identical movements the whole time which I don't remember from Broadway but my memory is shit so...)

Millie's Chloe was so over the top I love it.

They changed the dialogue a lot here, so that there's no mention of Madeleine at all so Chloe wasn't pissed or anything (I'm not sure if I like that) Jeremy just said something along the lines of "Oh you wouldn't know her because she's French" and that's where Brooke picks up her trying to speak French- thing

I THINK (not 100% sure tho) that Millie said "Jeremy?" Instead of "Jerry" At the beginning of that scene and that Scott was a bit confused for a second but he just continued with "It's Jeremy" and then Millie had to duck away because she was laughing (but maybe she did say it right and was just laughing at Jeremy in character idk)

I loved how Eloise's Brooke was so awkward. From the second that Jeremy noticed her she tried SO hard to impress him and it didn't work very well but it was so cute. Chloe tries to show her the whole time what to do but that doesn't make it better.

During Do you wanna ride, Jermey got so scared of the girls that he climbed onto the table with the t-shirts (actually now that I'm thinking about it he was climbing on things a lot)

Guy That I'd kinda be into was so cute!! I never particularly liked that song but Miracle somehow gave it a very different flair and I loved that. They changed the staging a bit and there weren't other people with hearts (there were hearts on the Screen) but at one point Rich was coming on stage with a helium heart balloon for like a second and then he disappeared again 😂 that was a bit weird but...

now lets get to the Act 1 Finale which was SO GOOD

Okay, so they changed it up quite a lot: After the whole "Eminem is dead?!" The Squip tells Jeremy that Brooke likes him (and Christine doesn't, yet) and Jeremy is so shocked that he turns to Brooke and says "You like me?" And she's like confused but nods and he's like: "Why???" (I loved that, Scott delivered that line really funny) and then Brooke explains the whole thing with Chloe, that she always gets noticed first etc. (That whole scene was really cute Jeremy and Brooke really seemed to actually like each other and I was really able to relate to Brooke - good Job Eloise!)

Then Brooke starts singing the "I'm tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am" Jeremy repeats it and then she starts Upgrade with the tres magnifique bit. It's like on the OBC until Jake's and Christine's part. They do their verse but run off after "Gotta get an upgrade" (Miracle was singing this up the octave which sounded SO cool) so they didn't have their conversation about Jake's parents (I did miss this a little but I get why it was cut) and then Jeremy ran back on stage followed by the Squip (you can see in Stewart's performance that he's already much more persuasive in a human way than before) who starts to sing the aggressive "C-c-c-come on Jeremy can't you see we got a plan, now be the man..." From the original cast album (I loved this SO much). Everyone came on to sing the "Christine" part in that and was surrounding Jeremy. He then shouts "Arghh too many voices in my head" the Squip leaves, Michael comes on, they do their "Jeremy that's amazing" dialogue, the Squip explains optic nerve blocking and says that he has to cut Michael off if he wants to be popular (Squip: "Cut your ties... or you'll both drown" I remember that because it sounded so unbelievably dramatic), Michael asked "Are you coming" and leaves the stage for Jeremy to sing Loser, Geek, Whatever.

I loved all of that so much because Scott puts so much emotion into this song, it nearly made me cry!! He really conveyed Jeremy's inner struggle without making him look like an asshole, more like a stupid kid that's going to make a really stupid decision

The second verse and chorus of LGW were cut (the "Dad taught me follow your instincts..." part) which I really liked (I never enjoyed the chorus of this song tbh).

"THE PROBLEM HAS ALWAYS BEEN.... .... me" the way Scott sang that truly broke my heart.

AND THEN (Loved this SO SO MUCH) after "ever agaaiiiiinnn" He went straight into that part that I guess you could call an Upgrade reprise from the Original Cast album ("And I wasn't sure before but now I wanna go all the way and more so give me that upgrade" etc.) AND it tied in so perfectly with Michael then asking again "Are you coming" and "Optic nerve Blocking on" and as much as I loved the "I'm tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am" chorus, this was SUCH a great way to end act one, I might even prefer this.

I just love how they mixed in the old parts from this song that I was really missing on the OBC.

When the Squip came out in his first dress (is it a dress?) Costume people were cheering, loved that. (I mean that costume IS gorgeous and Stewart Clarke looks absolutely fabulous in all the costumes)

That was Act 1!! (I am so sorry if you actually read everything up to this point...)

Act 2

Halloween had such an amazing energy!!! The dances!! Ahh

At his "I don't have a machete but a loaf of bread will do" line, James threw the bread up in the air but didn't catch it and just hit his head as he went to pick it up as if he was blaming his Squip (not sure if that was supposed to happen but I loved it)

I loved how the Squip joined the dance, it looked so fancy with his costume 😂 I know he did this on Broadway too and I never really understood why (the others can't see him after all) but there it kinda felt like it was hinting at the fact that the Squip was becoming more human-ish??? (I'm definitely overthinking this) Like he was having fun maybe??? Idk

Millie's Do you wanna hang was so hilarious!!!

Like I said they didn't have a bed so she was just dancing around him (which looked good but I missed a bed here tbh) and they added a bit of dialogue (I think, maybe it was in the Broadway version) where Jeremy asked her "Are you jealous of Brooke??" And she was like "I'm not jealous I just don't understand why everyone likes her and no one likes me." (Or something like that) and the way Millie delivered that line really gave Chloe a whole lot of character depth. She sounded so heartbroken, I just wanted to hug her.

When the Squip shuts off (it looked really funny), Stewart just trust-falls backwards off stage and someone has to catch him and I was just thinking what if whoever catches him forgets about it??? 😂😂 (No seriously, dear catch person, don't forget this, ever... we need him as a Squip)

And now, the moment we have all been waiting for. MITB

Ahhh I was having so many feeling during this scene. I already told you that I love Blake's Michael and I really loved how rational and smart (?) He sounds in the scene before the song compared to Jeremy who kept insisting that the Squip isn't bad.

They added a bit of dialogue here too I think, because Jeremy said something along the lines of "You said technology isn't dangerous-" "Yeah unless someone uses it like you do!" (Something like this), really loved that as people somehow keep insisting that this is a show about the dangers of modern technology (It's definitely not).

Blake and Scott both did such an incredible job in this scene (and overall obviously), you just knew something bad was about to happen...

At the "Leave me alone" (not sure if that's what he's saying) line Jeremy steps reaaalllyy close to Michael (like there noses were almost touching close) and he looked so intimidating towards Michael and Blake sounded actually a bit scared when he says "Or you'll what?"

Then they just stand there for some seconds, not moving, before Jeremy says the "Get out of my way, loser" and Scott says this with so much hatred, my heart was actually hurting. Michael then just steps away and he looked sooo sad I almost cried.

MITB was absolutely amazing. Again very different than George's version but with just as much emotion and Blake's voice was sooooo beautiful, I can't!!

He sang the last "Michael in the Bathroom by himself" a bit different (can't really describe it but the note on "bath" was higher than usual? I don't know much about music sorry) and I loved loved loved that

The scene with Christine and Jeremy was so sweet. They were so unbelievably weird, I love them.

When the costumed person between them leaves, Christine pulls Jeremy across the stage by his legs and places them on top of hers (like in the promo pic) and it looked so cute!!

After that when Rich comes on and says the "I'll burn you out" I was soo sure somehow that there used to be a voiceover of his Squip but I can't find it anywhere so idk I'm confused... But it's definitely not there anymore.

Smartphone Hour. Holy shit, that was SO good. Renée Lamb's voice OMG!! Absolutely incredible.

(I just had to notice once again how much I hate the costumes in this scene... like the colours are great but what teenager wears THAT to sleep???)

The screen was so cool here again!! It obviously showed Jenna's selfie with the house (which I want printed to hang on my wall tbh) and then at the end it was full of fire that changed its colour and all of that was so fitting for the colour scheme!! The entire set design is just so incredible.

Also, Brooke is eating a banana when Chloe calls her and when she tells her about the fire Eloise just yeets it across the entire stage

They all looked like they were having so much fun!!

Back to Jeremy: For the scene with Mr Heere, Scott was switching back to total asshole mode... Internally I was like "Uhh that little shit" but yeah, great acting!!

I LOVE the pants song! It's so underappreciated!

The "You're burning incense" line got a lot of laughs

"Say it like you're in the army!"

"NO, SERGEANT, SIR!!!" *salutes*

Loved that

Pitiful Children was actually SO intimidating!! The use of the screen here and in The Play was almost overwhelming but like in a good way, I really felt the seriousness of the situation.

Again great acting skills from Scott and Stewart. Jeremy was so torn between giving in and knowing that it's wrong and the Squip really felt humanly evil at this point.

Renée Lamb's riff!! Omg! She did it very different than in the press videos but it sounded so cool!!

Also, I felt so bad for Jenna. Her "No one's ever asked me that before" really hit me.

"Michael makes an entrance!!!!!" was perfect, I love Blake!

The fight between Jeremy and Michael looked SO violent 😂 at one point towards the end Jeremy punched him and he was just lying there on the edge of the stage for some minutes and only woke up to join everyone screaming at the end.

I loved how everyone acted when they were squipped!! They were very obviously not themselves.

Especially Christine was acting very very differently. Her voice sounded completely different and you could see that Jeremy made his decision to give her the mountain dew red the second she opened her mouth.

Jake's "God I love me!" Was just really wholesome. He sounded so surprised about that.

They didn't have the "My Squip says I can go all the way to Broadway" :((( but I can live with that...

The part where the Squip “Died” was SO good!!! This was really the moment where the Squip felt very much like a human being. He was screaming and begging and sounded actually terrified. His acting here was absolutely incredible. I almost, almost felt bad for him a little.

Also, the projections were amazing, it looked like the screen shattered when the Squip died.

Again, one thing that really bothered me: What kind of hospital doesn't have beds??? Jeremy and Rich were just sitting in wheelchairs which was fine but like... Why no bed???

I loved James' acting in this scene!!! He was a COMPLETELY different person and everyone noticed that right away. Even without the l lisp, you would have noticed simply by the way he was talking. James really did a great job with Rich!!

His "I'm totally bi now!!" Sounded so surprised and got a lot of applause.

Voices in my head is my favourite song and made me cry 😂

Christine's Squip is now Greta Thunberg!!!!

I loved how Jeremy was totally his old self again when he was talking to Christine. He was stammering and fidgeting with his hands a lot and only managed to bring out the "Bowling Alley performance art?" Because Christine kept encouraging him which was so cute. If there are somehow still people out there who think that their relationship is underdeveloped they should watch this version.

The kiss was so cute!! Miracle and Scott have amazing chemistry!

I really think that's all I have to say... It's a lot I'm sorry 😂😂😂 just had to write those thoughts down.. I hope it makes a little sense I was a bit sick in the last few days so excuse me if anything's worded in a weird way...

I loved it so so much and I'm so happy they got the well-deserved extension! I'm definitely going again sometime soon 😊😊

#long post #very long post #be more chill london #be more chill #bmc #scott folan #jeremy heere #blake patrick anderson #michael mell #the squip #i'm sorry i hope this makes sense

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lady-olive-oil · 5 years

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So Into You: Chapter 1

A/N: Hey hey hey! Let’s do this y’all! Welcome to the first chapter of So Into You. I’ll be on vacation soon so, this chapter is being uploaded, along with chapter 6 of Work Out. Which I’ll post tomorrow. If you’d to be tagged in future chapters, let me know!!

Warnings: None, except for sexual imagery

Word Count: 2k+ [this is a good one]

Choxie Squad: @maddiestundentwritergaines || @crushed-pink-petals || @themyscxiras || @honeychicana || @dc41896 || @stillevansbae || @areubeingserved || @swirlevans || @4ftwonder || @bugngiz || @mangos4u

_______________

“Chris! Slow your dumb-ass down!”

“Rude! Make me!”

“You gon’ learn today!”

What does it look like for two grown ass adults, running to get to the Cars Land ride in peace? Like a bunch of giddy kids. But who could blame us? We barely get time to hangout with each other anyway, so why not relax at Disneyland and possibly Universal?

A few people stopped us to take pictures, and even though Chris is a bigger star, I got a few fans to ask me for pictures. It made me feel great inside and out, to know that my work has made waves with the world. I must be doing something right. Plus, having a nearly 40 heat old best friend who's willing to act like a child with you is always fun.

“What am I gonna learn Ro? How to do a victory dance, after beating you at Toy Story Mania? Cause I won, twice.” He booped my nose, causing me scrunch it a bit.

I arched a brow and grabbed his hand playfully. “One: you cheated. Two; don't touch my nose. You don’t get to touch me besides a hug. Don’t need helicopter parent Delilah, tryin to check me again. Remember last time?”

“Yeah I apologize for that. It wasn’t right for her to show up at your birthday dinner, unannounced and caused a scene. I still owe you for that one.”

“Yeah you do. Disney Land will suffice for now. You also owe me dinner from way back when.” Nudging him a bit, before we got in line for the ride, we took a few more pictures with a few folks and chatted.

The birthday dinner fiasco was a disaster. Delilah showed up at Nobu, uninvited, to my birthday dinner hosted by the cast and crew of Avengers: Infinity War. Causing a scene as to why he didn’t tell her where he went, and why didn’t he invite her. He had her apologize to me for being rude and disruptive. I only accepted it because she’s Chris’ girl, but deep down, I felt disregarded.

She didn’t care who saw, she just wanted to let folks know that she was there. I never hated my birthday anymore than I did that day. The next day however, Chris Door Dashed me some food over. It did make it a bit better, but I’m still not he fence about her. She had no regard for privacy or human decency.

Chris rugged on my hand, causing me to get out of my trance. “Come on Ro, It’s our turn. What’s on ya mind? You got that look on your face.”

Helping me into the car, I let out an exaggerated sigh.

“My bad. Just uh, Going down memory lane about the party last year. History isn’t going to repeat itself is it?”

“Roxanne. I promise it won’t, she won’t come near you as long as I’m around.”

With a reassuring nod, I focused back on track as the car zoomed along, with the sounds of Rascal Flats to bring up the momentum.

“Life is a highway! I wanna ride it all night long. If you're going my way, I wanna drive it all night long.” The inner kids in Chris and I couldn’t resist the sing-a-long.

Glancing over at him got me thinking. Seeing how happy he was and just enjoying himself, it made me realize I was doing something right by being his friend. I wasn’t going anywhere, yet I kept thinking he’d choose her every time.

After getting off the ride we decided to head to downtown Disney. I was craving pizza so why not.

Given the circumstances of our friendship, he doesn’t know I’ve liked him for years. All this pent up lust for a 30 something year old black woman, ain’t right by any means. To be completely honest, I’ve been in love with my best friend since we were kids.

Cliche I know, but something about him made me realize that just having him be my best friend isn’t enough for me. My girlfriends know about how I feel; even their boyfriends know.

How do you tell your best friend, of over thirty years, that you have dreams about then every night? How you picture them in your head, when you’re having sex with other men? You can’t just say that out loud. That’s why I’ve been blocking it out by dating other folks.

I dream of kissing down his chest, leaving hickies along in my wake. Grabbing onto his sculpted hips for leverage, licking his neck teasingly. He's a sight to behold, a true masterpiece of fine art. See what I mean by the dreams being too elaborate? Boy is it harder than I thought.

Chris’ POV:

Taking in the surroundings as much as I could, I backtracked to the day of the party. It was a mess, Delilah was causing an unnecessary scene and essentially made Roxie cry because she had wine poured on her head.

She didn’t talk about that part much. Having red Merlot in your hair was never a good thing, unless it’s New Years. At that point Delilah and I took a break because my friendship with Roxie meant more to me than anything.

Granted, all my past relationships I’ve had all loved Roxie. Thrilled to have her around, but yet Delilah is pushing her away from me. Being demanding and telling me that I can’t spend time with Roxie anymore, even though we work together and that’s just enough.

It didn’t make sense to me at all. Hence the current “break” we’re on now. She doesn’t understand boundaries at all.

Not gonna lie, I have been feeling something lately but I can’t describe it quite right. I don’t know whether it’s infatuation or love for my best friend. If it’s the latter, then I think it’s time I accept it. It’s been a long time coming anyway.

Smiling at a few fans along the way, taking pictures again, made everything relax a bit. I even checked my phone to see if anything happened, while I enjoyed being a kid again with Roxie. Just notifications and love from our fans about our day, then something caught my attention.

Delilah, had sounded off my find my iPhone alert and I didn’t notice till now. This wasn’t going to be pretty.

I had to get it together. Couldn’t have another birthday fiasco. I took the liberty of ordering a large pepperoni pizza, with bacon and jalapenos for us. I noticed the happy smile on Roxie’s face. One of many great things I loved about her.

‘Oh shit, I really got it bad.’ I thought to myself, once I shook my head and focused.

“What are you so smiley about over there, pretty lady?”

She took a bite of her slice, doing a little dance in the process. “Food. Ya feeding me today, that’s why.”

“I always found a way to your heart huh? Through food mostly.”

“True. But for the most part, keeping you happy is the fun part of our friendship. I need to make sure you’re ok at all times Evans. Vice versa, cause no guys have been right for me anyway.” This time she bopped me on my nose.

The actin along made me scrunch up my face in playful annoyance, earning a chuckle from hr. It eased my stress levels a bit until, I heard that one fatal voice, that shattered the glass of the house of my concentration.

“Hi baby. I didn’t know you’d be here.” Delilah places a kiss upon my cheek, and waves a bit towards Roxie. That’s weird, she never waved at her. She did know I was here, I didn’t find out she used the alert till after I turned my location back on.

“Uh Yeah. I didn’t think I you’d want to seeing as though were on break currently.” With a slight shrug, I noticed the twinge in her forehead. Roxie kept eating her pizza enjoying the show.

The pet names started, along with her petting my head as she sat on my lap without my consent. “I’m still your girlfriend actually, even if we are on break. I care about you boo.”

The subtle eye rolls, a fake gagging, from Roxie was priceless. I slid her off my lap and she sat next to me. The two women had a stare off till one of them cracked.

“Have something to say Roxie?”

“It’s Alexander or Roxanne to you. And no I don’t, because if I did that would require me to nice. Which we both know there’s no way in hell you're capable of doing so.” Stuffing the pizza crust into her mouth, she got up and headed to the front register. I’m assuming for dessert.

The gasp that emitted from Delilah’s lips was comical. “She shouldn't get to talk to me like that. I’m your girlfriend Christopher not her.”

I had to set her straight, so looked her dead in her eyes. “Here we go again. Delilah, we’ve been on and off for how long? Few months. Dating for close to a year now, I suppose? You have to respect that she’s going to be around forever.”

“I don’t like it, at all. But for you I’ll do anything for you because I love you.”

That phrase was foreign to me hearing from others, besides my friends; family and Roxie. Part of me wanted to hear her say it for real. The dreams I have of her late at night don't help either.

I dream about kissing her neck as gently as possible, holding her close to me. Like she’s a fragile art piece that’s only meant to be observed. I really need to get it together, this has gone maddening.

“Love ya too, Delilah. Now we can talk tomorrow if ya want, I still want to hang with my best friend.” Accepting the Captain America theme cupcake from Roxie, she chilled right back next me with her Black Panther cupcake.

To smite Roxie, she kissed me hard and then walked away with a sway in her hips. “See ya baby boy.”

“Will she ever learn that she gotta have an ass to sway her hips?” Roxie chuckled a little, causing me to join in.

Using the Steve Rogers pleading look, I had to do it. “I shouldn’t be laughing but I am. Don’t be mean please, I want this to work out. Please?”

“Fine. I’ll try, for you. ‘Boo.’” Now she felt like mocking, flipping her hair off her shoulder and batting her eyelashes. She’ll be the death of me.

“You are so wrong. Let’s go catch the fireworks before it gets too dark. Got an early day tomorrow.”

“That we do. You owe me a piggyback ride too.” Making sure we had everything she, threw the empty pizza pan anyway and hopped on my back as we journeyed back to Snow Whites castle.

“We also could have gone to the parking garage too.”

“What’s the fun I that? The castle is where we’ll get the best pictures in.”

Setting her down on the ground to lean against the railing to get a good view, we may have bought a few light up toys.

“Ok facts.” The fireworks illuminated her face like a stain glass window in a cathedral. One of the most breathtaking sights I’ve ever seen.

As the show went on, something pulled us closer. Not sure what was going on but, our pinky fingers locked. The drive to her house was long but fulfilling. The day couldn't have gotten any better.

“Rox, you’re home now sweetheart. Imma head out too.” I sat her in her bed and pulled the covers up over her, till she grabbed my arm.

She mumbled gently, loud enough so I could hear. Even with the fan on. “Stay, please? You got clothes here anyway.”

Smiling gently with a nod, I slipped in next to her and cuddle her like I always did. I wish my desires weren’t screaming at me in my head to go for it. Yet her sad excuse of boyfriend isn’t competition to me.

He’s the least of my worries.

#chris evans x roxanne alexander #Chris Evans #roxie alexander #Ashley Blaine Featherson #So Into You #so into you chapter 1 #chris evans x poc oc

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smellysluna · 5 years

Text

Phase 1: BLUE | Peter Parker | Soulmate AU!

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

Series: Additive Colors

Warning(s): this story is set between Homecoming and Infinity War, swear words, badass reader.

Word count: 1.8K

Side note: heyyy, it’s been a long time since i’ve posted something online, but i hope you enjoy this <3

Peter blasted web after web at Queens' buildings. After Liz left because of him (even if she wasn’t his soulmate, he liked her anyway), his patrols as friendly neighborhood Spider-Man became crude, crass. The streets had no taste, no color until everything around him changed in an instant.

He crashes into a supply lorry, denting it just slightly. Peter stood up the instant he hit the ground oblivious to the worried bystanders.

I need to get somewhere high.

Peter's mind activated autopilot the moment a balcony came into his shaky view. His stiff feet landed on the balcony's rail. He seemed a panther looking for its prey amidst the jungle —a spider waiting for the fly to get trapped in its webs. He searched for a person instead of prey. What he felt the moment his life did a one-eighty was exactly what he was hunting —perplexity.

A girl struggling for breath chasing colors appeared under his eyes and his blurry view cleared. The people pulsed around her, they were fast-paced whilst she had no pace whatsoever.

Peter can't remember landing in front of her but he faced the girl anyways. Without any first words or glances, he picked her up and shot a spider-web to the top of a building. It took a moment for the girl to assess the case at hand. Usually, she'd be the one striking the first word —and as a bad habit, she’d get the last word too— but this time her mind went numb. To distract herself from the suited hero in front of her, she stared at the sky —a thing she could never appreciate before. In the corner of her eye, she sensed him imitating her. The question throbbed in her mind, in her throat, and on her tongue. If the answer to her question were "yes"... What would it mean to him? What would it mean to her? What would it mean to both of them?

Too many feelings at once. I think there was a word to describe the churning in my stomach.

Spider-Man stared at the blank canvas painted on the girl beside him. Her gaze set on a distant cloud the moment Karen pulled out her personal details. The boy behind the mask assumed he shared the same emotions as the girl next to him. His brows kept knitted together as he read the girl's file. With difficulty, a gulp passed through his tight throat.

"You're... seeing the same thing, right?" It was unusual for Peter to take the first step but the more he read her file... the more he urge to know if she was... the one.

"Blue, the sky's blue." A pause before indulging in her dramatics. "It's haunting to realize just now the beauty of the wild blue yonder which was over our heads all this time." She hasn't stared at him yet, the jetting jaw painfully clear in his sight. "I'm at a loss for words. My soulmate being Spider-Man and all that —God I really hope you're a teenager."

He carefully watched her every moving muscle. Still, he can't grasp the instant she faced him. For once, Peter felt as if someone were looking right through his mask and into his eyes.

The words sunk in and he felt his body heat up. "No! No! Don't worry! I'm... I'm not some creepy-old-man, I swear! I go to Midtown —ah! Shouldn't have said that. Forget I said that. Mr. Stark would dissect me if he knew I said that." The girl couldn't stop the laughter that crawled through her lungs as she stared at the hero's wobbling arms. "Karen, no! Delete that footage! Oh my God, Mr. Stark cannot hear that."

"Karen?" She managed through giggles.

Peter stared at her amusing raised brow, her smile reaching the eyes. The sight made him smile too.

He somewhat regained his calm composure after Karen erased the footage. "Artificial intelligence built-in the suit."

"Did you develop her?" He couldn't fail to notice the spark in her eyes the moment he mentioned the AI.

"No, uh, Mr. Stark did." He almost experienced a hard attack when Karen announced to Spider-Man a message from Tony Stark which said he was on the street under his apartment. "Oh, God, I want to stay here and get to know you but right now Mr. Stark needs me."

A pang went through his chest at her disappointing stare.

"Listen, you're not supposed to know who I am. So we'll just have to get to know each other this way." He pointed at his mask with both pointer fingers. "We'll make it work — I think."

"Can you tell me at least your name?"

"Sorry." He hugged her.

"I'll swing by your place when I get time. See ya, (Y/N)."

In a blink, he was gone. Spider-Man didn’t even need to ask her name, she was sure that he even knew where she lived in an instant. A shiver ran through her spine.

(Y/N) doesn't know how she managed to stay on her legs for so long without trembling. But the moment he disappeared, she instantly laid in the on the cold floor. The sky was still blue. Her brows knitted together but then relaxed and closed her eyes.

This is unfair... How come you get to know my name but I can't get yours.

A smirk painted on her face as a light bulb lit up in her mind.

Spider-Man, you might think you’re smart and mysterious. But the joke’s on you, I’m smart and mysterious too.

*******

It was too quiet in my apartment, the atmosphere more stuffy than usual. The dirt on the floor indicated that a person was here. On guard, I walk into the living room. The breath in my lungs got kicked out and in less than a second, I was on the floor with someone choking me.

A normal person would be scared in my place. But I am not an average girl. My situation is self-explanatory and it takes just one name: Jessica Jones.

Jessica taught me no mercy, Jessica forced me independence, Jessica trained me to take care of myself, better said: Jessica’s small group of Defenders beat the crap out of me — which made me tough.

Jessica took me in after my parents’ death and she’s taken care of me since then. The other Defenders appeared later on. In the beginning, Jess taught me self-defense and sometimes she’d break some of my bones by letting her real strength slip through.

“It’s how it is in the real world,” she’d say. “If you’re lucky, of course.” And the moment I’d hit the floor, she’d kick my obliques ready to kill. “If it’s an average day… they won’t hesitate.” She’d kick again. “That’s why you won’t hesitate either.”

The Defenders weren’t around for long. Still, I learned many things from them. Every one of them had their own style to teach and none was better than the other. Jessica taught me to endure the pain; Danny (Iron Fist) taught me to control my inner calm; Matt (Daredevil) taught me to concentrate; Luke taught me to manage my strength. Actually, Luke let me hit him as hard as I wanted so I had a human punching bag.

Jess never wanted me to live with her —she made it very clear. The moment she was sure I could manage, she got me an apartment in Queens and told me to enroll at Midtown School —a nerd school. I thought she was kidding and scoffed at the idea, but her lack of humor seemed obvious. After I went through Jessica’s stuff (once... on several occasions), the reason she wanted me to go to Midtown became clear: an offer to attend the school personally written by the principal. I ignored Jessica and enrolled in Queens Metropolitan High School.

But discovering that Spider-Man, my soulmate, goes to Midtown creates a twist in my life. Guess I’ll have to put up with the nerds for some time.

Transferring really seemed quick and simple given that it’s the school’s department that carries out the process. But then again, we’re talking about nerds. It took me less than a week to get all the papers right. And since nerds like everything neat, I could start on Monday.

I had really been pushing my feelings to the back of my head. But what am I actually going to do after I find my soulmate? Improvisation was my go to plan.

Anyways… what was I doing again? Oh yeah! Getting strangled.

Jessica’s face came into perfect view and her look betrayed intent to kill. She was between my thighs, her grip on my neck firm. It only takes her six seconds to make me unconscious. I don’t let her. My body switches to muscle memory at this point.

Cross grip.

Shoulder-blade.

Foot on hip.

Turn.

Boom.

Forward thrust with hips.

“Shit!” Jessica hurriedly skidded from me. “Why’d you break my arm for!?” We both knew it didn’t hurt as it should. And instead of pain traveling through her voice, it was indignation.

I scoffed, “you had worse.” I waved my hand dismissively before plopping on my sofa. “And I broke your elbow, not your arm —you’re the one who taught me.”

“Not that,” she grimaced.

Jess settled casually right next to me. I glanced at her elbow, knowing damn well she wasn’t going to get it treated properly —neither of us cared.

“So you’re finally listening to me.” I knew what she meant, Midtown. “Don’t want to admit it? Alright.” She stood up, her broken elbow long forgotten. The cork-board on the wall catches her attention. “You’re still into this?” She plays with one of the strings. She trails her finger across the string that’s different than the rest. “What does Spider-Man have to do with any of this?” I forgot Jess was able to recognize the colors on the board, all of them. Jess still loves Luke and it shows.

“The string’s blue.” Her body turned faster than I could imagine.

“When did this happen?” To ever understand what Jessica meant, you always had to look at the big picture. It was annoying at first but it helped to analyze the bigger picture in everything else.

“Like a week ago. I don’t know who’s under the mask... yet.”

“Yet?”

“The only thing I know right now is that he’s enrolled at Midtown.”

She scuffed, “figures.” Her gaze shifted back to the board. “And Spider-Man’s connected to Tony Stark in what way?”

“I don’t know but it’s obvious that there’s some connection.”

She stared at the center of it all: a picture of me. “A piece of advice: don’t do anything that I would.”

“Yes, mum.” Mockery. One stare was enough to know she wasn’t a fan of it.

I didn’t matter who she was, I wasn’t planning on listening to reason anytime soon.

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #marvel #tom holland #tom holland x reader #soulmate au #peter parker au #spiderman x reader #tom holland imagine

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70swonderpoisonstark · 5 years

Text

Poison ( V )

Villain’s are people too, are they not? (Y/N) is taking the “home grown” terror title a little too seriously. You’re really really bad, until you meet a certain super soldier who makes you consider a career change. It’s a lengthy process, but you’re willing if it’s for the right reasons. Maybe you’re not so bad after all?

//basically poison ivy and a little bit of bane but with marvel characters?? I’d be original but I love her and them so much so sorry. also some changes, idk I’m making them my own but completely based of the DC characters SNS. Nickname Ivy, real name, yours duh!//

***this is my first attempt at fanfic so any feedback is welcome! I love all these characters dearly so, here goes nothing! Hope you enjoy***

A/N: Violence, language, crime. Friendly banter, lowest level of smut possible {I’ll update these as the chapters come out}

recap: you were drunk and heading to bed, your reputation with the Avengers seems to be doing better.———————————————————————————————————

Bucky was up before everybody else, nightmares tend to have that effect on a person, so he wandered the compound like he always did. He knew every corner, every step and every curve of the technologically advanced palace. Venturing out and admiring how far society had come in terms of architecture and technology, gazing at the large rustic clock that hung over the marble fireplace beneath it, wondering just how many parts made up such a huge clock. Were there as many parts in the clock as there were in his arm? He'd probably never know, but it was still enticing to think about. Bucky's favorite place though, was the glass walkway that connected the garage to the main part of the compound. He was thrilled by the idea of making a secured walkway out of something so easily broken as glass. The amount of light that always seemed to shine through always brought him a sense of serenity. The ability to be free, yet also confined to a safe and armoured area was just what his never resting mind needed. He looked through the windows, staring into the rising sun as it filled the rest of the earth with golden rays of warmth.

Once the sun has officially taken its place in the sky, he made his way back to the kitchen. The weirdly shaped plastic pod popped into the modern coffee pot as he waited for his mug to be filled with black coffee.

"You know, Sam's gonna kill ya for drinking out of his mug again." A sleepy Steve walked smoothly into the kitchen. His white shirt loose for the first time in history, shifting with his hips as he walked to a seat near the island.

"If he ever wakes up we'll talk about it." Bucky retorted as he tipped the glass to his lips. He looked at the clock about the oven, it was barely seven AM, and after a night of heavy drinking, Bucky was lucky to see anybody, especially Sam, before noon. The abnormal twists and contortions of Steve's body on the bar stool produced a very concerning vibe for Bucky. He could tell there was news to share, but a nagging voice in the back of his head lead him to believe it wasn't good news, at least for himself.

"Speaking of people who won't be up for a while," Steve began. "I might have spent a period of time with the newest team member." Steve wiggled his eyebrow suggestively, looking very pleased with himself. Bucky's hands clenched, subtly cracking the handle of Sam's mug. His body reacting before his mind could, metal parts whirred and tightened at the sound of Steve's words.

"What do you mean?" Bucky asked, trying to mask the anger in his voice with intrigue. He spoke calmly, trying his hardest to be friendly and supportive. It had been a while since Steve was this jazzed about a girl, but it felt wrong. Bucky wasn't interested, but imagining Steve with her wasn't something he wanted to think about, ever.

"Well, after everybody went to bed there was a loud noise from her room. I checked on her and she was just laying on the floor." Bucky heard the noise too. How stupid could he be? HE should have gone and checked on her, and all of this could have been avoided.

"I picked her up, slowly though because of her tendency to jump to her defenses. She laughed a lot, but I got her sitting up and she slurred a thanks to me. You know, I never noticed how normal she was until right then, the whole teams been trying to kill her before she kills them and there she was, drunk and sleepy just like everybody else." Bucky's ear were red hot, listening to Steve describe Ivy as if he just realized she was a human being, it made him nauseous. He knew Steve was coming from a good place but, how do you listen to your best friend gush over a murderer?

"Then she kissed me. It was shocking, but welcome. Buck, she's amazing. I don't think she'll remember because the kiss was short, but she did say lucky her, well, I think at least, she definitely said something that sounded like lucky. Isn't that great Buck?" NO. No. Nope. NO. DAMMIT BUCKY NO. How was he supposed to react to that? Shake his hand and congratulate him. She was evil, and, well, quite frankly a flirt and just not right for Steve.

"I don't know Steve, I think the two of you would cause a lot of trouble." Steve's giddy mood hitched suddenly and hard. Trouble? He's America's golden boy, what trouble could he possibly cause? Steve mind flashed back before the war, before the serum, to how all of Bucky and his night's used to go, resentment creeping into his mind.

"And why is that?" Steve crossed his arms and shifted his weight to his right leg, face twisted tightly as he awaited Bucky's response.

"You guys are both lawless, breaking rules you think are unjust. The two of you would be great, uh, but you need a nice girl Steve, and she's a little.." He didn't know how to end that sentence; seeing the look in Steve's eye, the anger, caused his brain to malfunction.

"She's a little what, Buck? More your type?" That hit Bucky a little harder than it was probably supposed to. Your type? As if murderous, lawless, rebels were his type all of a sudden.

"Wha- No, Steve that's not what I'm saying, she's just-" Steve's emotions took over the conversation as all rational thought had been thrown out the window. He fought with Bucky. As his best friend he should be happy for him, not lecturing him about finding a good girl. Old Bucky would have celebrated that a girl even talked to him, but no, new Bucky couldn't accept the fact that he was fair game now.

"No. Stop talking. You just can't handle that a woman might actually be interested in me instead of you, huh? It's just like old times, if she doesn't want you then something's wrong with her?" Steve's anger bubbled over to fury. Bucky had always had all the female attention, and now that Steve wasn't doing so bad himself Bucky was just going to gut him? That's not the Bucky he remembered.

"Steve, no. I'm not interested I just mean-" Flustered, Bucky tried to explain, he really did just want what's best for Steve.

"You know what, I'm done with this conversation. I wanted to talk to my best friend about a girl. Which is to much to ask for nowadays." He stormed out of the room, pissed off that Bucky wasn't happy for him. Sure, he might not know if he actually likes Ivy, or if it's just the allure of the potential threat that she is, but still, he kissed a girl, a girl kissed him. Bucky should've been happy for Steve, they're best friends, he couldn't have kept his bad opinions to himself this one time? Steve pouted all the way back to his room, so caught up in his emotional turmoil that he completely missed you walking out of your room and towards the kitchen.

You meant to smile at Steve, but he seemed down, and was hardly paying attention to his surroundings, so you avoided any contact. You were severely hungover, but all your time as an RN had really taken a toll on your body, so sleeping in was never an option. You solemnly walked your way towards the coffee pot, noticing Bucky at the last minute. He too seemed off, trouble in paradise probably. You left it alone, he normally avoided you anyways so you weren't going to go out of your way to say anything to the metal-armed hunk. You pulled your coffee cup away from the machine, adding just enough creamer and sugar to make it taste good, but not enough so that it wouldn't actually taste like coffee. The silence that filled the room was comfortable, then again you were used to most people being quiet around you, especially Bucky. As you traced the ring of your mug with your fingertip, something, a small tug in your brain was trying to remind you of something urgent. Looking up at Bucky for a split second, you heard the alarm inside your head, but couldn't figure out why you're inner fight or flight mode was being activated. Something happened, something including Bucky. Bucky. Bucky.. Nothing. Nothing came to mind as you racked your brain trying to remember this thing that's sounding alarm bells inside your head. You knew you'd been drunk, very drunk, but you'd remember sleeping with somebody. You definitely hadn't fought him, mostly because he was still alive(All the physical fighting's just for show, if you were attacked one touch and they'd be in a body bag). You hadn't walked in on anybody. What on earth did you do that was so terrible your cheeks were burning bright red? You contemplated every reason for you to possibly be embarrassed by and nothing. It wasn't until you saw him wipe excess coffee away from his sweet lips that you remembered everything.

You had tripped walking to the bathroom, you didn't have to pee or anything you just wanted to take your makeup off and brush your teeth. You were exhausted, and after falling so many times that night you just gave up, laying still to gain the courage to try to walk again when he came in. Broad, strong shoulders, and large biceps picking you up from the floor and setting you on your bed. A muffled, "Are you okay?" was heard through your drunk and sleepy haze. You knew who it was, who else would hear a small bump in the night and check it out? The room was dark so you couldn't make out his features, but you knew, drunk you was sure of who it was. He asked a few more questions and helped you sit up straight, the two of you were already close, thighs touching as the two of you sat on your bed. You'd been crushing on him for so long, even before you became an Avenger-In-Training. He was everything you thought a man should be, a little broken, but with a huge heart and a dedication to do what was right, not what was legal. You couldn't help yourself, you just had to do it. You leaned in and kissed him right on the lips, hoping to God he would reciprocate the gesture, and to your surprise he did. He cupped his hand around your face, his rough calluses caressing your smooth cheek. "Bucky." You sighed, he was so incredible, you'd kept up with him since before the Avengers knew about him and had been fascinated ever since. He was strong, mentally and physically, but understands his trauma and how it affects his day to day life, and works through it. You'd never been so in love with a person you'd never met before, so when you finally did meet him, it was hard to stay a cold hearted bitch. He was so wonderful, you didn't want the kiss to stop, but refused to be the drunken lay of the Avengers compound and pulled away. A soft, "Goodnight." Was all that escaped your lips as he left your room.

Looking at him in the present light, sober, and completely off guard kicked you in the stomach. You tried to hide the embarrassment, attempting to keep the squirming to a minimum. You could feel him staring at you, he definitely remembered. Oh god how could you have been so irresponsible? Kissing a coworker after a couple bottles of alcohol? How stereotypical. You had to say something right? It's not like you could just sweep it under the rug? This was kind of a big deal.

"Hey, uh. Bucky." You started, could this be any more awkward? You were about to find out. "About last night, I-uh, I wanted to apologize for being so forward. I was really really drunk and I just kinda went for it without any notice on your behalf and if I made things between us worse then I'm really sorry and uh, we can forget about it all you want." Smooth Ivy, real smooth.

Bucky stood and stared at you for a while, trying to figure out what exactly you were talking about. He hadn't talked to you at all that night, he kept his distance and watched you from far away, and you definitely hadn't come and said anything to him after all that drinking. Bucky thought about what you could mean, knowing he wasn't drunk and had no clue as to what you were referencing, he figured he'd ask.

"I would love to accept your apology," Good, good okay so now you can just forget it right? "But I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"You, you don't?" You were taken aback, was he drunk too? Maybe he didn't remember either? God were you going to have to say it out loud? How much more horrifying could this get?

"We, well I guess I, no we, well after I fell last night you came and helped me up from the floor, made sure I was good or whatever and then I... well.. you remember right?" Every muscle, blood vessel, and neuron in Bucky's body froze in their tracks. Was she about to say-

"Well I kissed you, and I was super drunk and I just wanted to apologize because you've made it clear you want nothing to do with me but yeah. I'm sorry we made out, uh, I was very drunk, and it won't happen again." You looked at a now stoic Bucky, was he angry? Oh god, you've really done it now.

"Uh, so yeah we don't ever have to speak about our kiss ever again, and I'm gonna go hide in shame, so thanks? I don't know, yeah, uh, bye, thanks." You grabbed your mug and headed straight for your room. What happened to cool and calm Ivy? What happened to kill a bitch Ivy? What the fuck IVY?! YOU DUMB BITCH IVY HOW WAS THAT SO AWKWARD FUCK. You grasped your coffee with both hands, silenting scream at yourself. You tried to stay positive, thinking, well. It can't get any worse than that. (Oh how wrong you were.)

Bucky stood frozen in the exact spot where you'd left him. Trying his hardest to process all the information that was just thrown at him. YOU thought it was HIM who kissed you last night? YOU thought YOU kissed HIM. YOU had, drunkenly, wanted to kiss HIM? But it was Steve, you kissed Steve? But you thought it was him? And now Steve was mad because he wasn't happy for him, but Ivy didn't think it was Steve at all, she thought it was HIM. SHE WHISPERED BUCKY! NOT LUCKY HER. Good god what was going on. How the fuck was he supposed to figure this one out on his own.

"Looks like you've got yourself a bit of a problem, huh?" Why? Why did God forsake him like this?

"Please tell me you didn't hear any of that." Bucky silently prayed that Sam hadn't heard a word, knowing that Steve had already shared the news with Sam, so Sam knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Oh, no. I heard all of it. You thought Steve was mad before, he's gonna kill you now." It was everything in Bucky not to slap the stupid smug grin off of Sam's face.

"Don't. Say. A. Word. Deal?"

"Deal? I'm not getting anything out of that agreement, Bucko." Sam wasn't going to tell sweet old Steve any of it regardless, but he never missed a chance to piss Bucky off.

"I'll replace your mug?" Bucky wasn't the best at bargaining, he usually just punched the person, got what he needed, and went on his way.

"You were already going to do that." He was right, Bucky had accidentally broken a few of Sam's mugs and replaced them all, sometimes without him noticing.

"I'll leave you and Steve alone for 'bro-time' or whatever you call it?" Negotiations were easier when you could kill the person afterwards. Now he actually had to do what he said.

"Again, you already kinda do that." True, Bucky was never much of a 'large group' kind of guy, and sometimes more than Steve counted as a large group.

"Fine. $50?"

"My man, we are in business." A large slap landed on the back of Bucky's back as Sam chuckled at his big business deal. He was screwed. Steve was somehow already in love with you, and the moment that made Steve think you liked him too, you thought it was Bucky. The whole situation was giving Bucky a headache. There wasn't any way for him to casually bring it up to you or Steve, he'd just have to sit there and wait for the brutal reality to fall on them.

You were a wreck, he had just sat there the entire time and said nothing. You'd always thought he was different, sweet, just a little damaged by society just like you. The talks the two of you have had ((when he was slightly drugged but still)) were so deep and meaningful, and it's like he doesn't remember any of it now. Was it because you were within reach? Was he just falling back on old ways and your conversations didn't meant anything? Was he disgusted by you? With the devil and Angels on your shoulders yelling distracting you, you ran smack dab into the center of Steve very hard chest, collapsing at the impact.

"Oh shoot, sorry Ivy I- I, uh, wasn't paying attention." He was jumpier than normal, you noted subconsciously.

"No, no you're fine Steve I, wasn't paying attention either. A lot going on, yanno?"

"Yeah, yeah I do." Steve had such a fondness in his heart for you. How sweet you ended up being once he you got past all that ice. He felt compelled to do something, he had to, right? After a night like that he had to do something to solidify the actions? Your smile was enough for him to gather the courage. He grabbed you by your waist and pulled you into a deep, passionate kiss. You were shocked at first, not wanting to react or kiss back, but the care radiating from his lips, and the general amazing feeling it gave you changed your mind. Not long after his surprising gesture, you had your arms wrapped around his neck , deepening the kiss as your tongues tangled in each others mouths. You felt hot, and wanted more, much more. You pulled down softly on his neck, his hands finding their way to your hips as he gently pushed you against the wall. His hand rests on your thigh, raising it to his own as the two of you exchanged silent, sloppy words. You broke the kiss, only to rest your lips along his neck, kissing softly as you felt his body tense, you were both hot, body's craving more as the loneliness hit you harder. You knew it was wrong, but for a moment his hands were cold enough to be mistaken for Bucky's. It felt so right, and then he grabbed you by your chin, twisting your head and returning the loving neck kisses. You couldn't deny how starved you were of attention, how much you needed somebody to touch and love you, how Steve was an opportunity to have a loving embrace. Your hands trailed their way from his chiseled chest to his cold belt buckle, lust devouring any rational thought that popped into your head. You were ready to give Captain America everything you were, and he was ready to receive it. Steve went to open the door to whatever room the two of you were in front of, when the whirring of metal made the two of you jump apart and run away very quickly. You walked into your room, cursing yourself for falling so easily into Steve. It was great, wonderful actually his lips on yours, his lips on your skin, but you wanted Bucky, you had to have Bucky, and now it just became even more complicated because you decided to think with what's between your legs instead of your head. Maybe he didn't think anything of it, he had been known to be very iffy with women so maybe you just weren't for him and he'd let you know next time he saw you. You weren't really his type anyways, he was a good guy, loved a blonde bombshell who volunteered and read to children and blah blah blah. He wasn't into you, you were a bad guy, past tense, but still he would never, right?

Steve felt like he could fly, the embrace the two of you just shared solidified the fact that he wanted you, and vice versa. He was going to continue his plan to somehow get you to commit to him. He knew your history with men was deadly, but he wasn't about to let that stop him. You were stunning and beautiful, and funny. You lit his skin on fire, just a touch and he was ready tear whatever clothes you were wearing off immediately. He wanted you, mind, body and soul, and he wanted you bad.

Bucky had wanted to talk to you, to tell you that it wasn't him but he wished it had been. He wanted to say that he would love to talk to you more, he wanted to tell you how he felt weirdly connected to you. And then he walked upon you and Steve basically fucking in the hallway.

His heart dropped. Seeing you with him, he knew it happened the night before, but you had thought it was him. You definitely knew it was Steve this time. Did he drive you to this? Or did you only want Bucky to get to Steve? Had you apologized because you and Steve were already dating? Who came onto who? Bucky didn't know what to think, but seeing Steve's hands rummage so sloppily over your full hips and waist ignited a fury inside him he hadn't felt in a long time. Was this jealousy? He couldn't remember what it felt like to be jealous but this was definitely what he thought it felt like. He was pissed, not only at Steve but also himself for not saying anything when you came to him. He could've said so many things that would have prevented that explicit scene in the hallway, but instead he remained speechless, silenced like always. It wouldn't happen again, he couldn't, WOULD NOT, let Steve have you. He could have any girl he wanted, you were his. And after 70 years of being deprived of needs, he would have you to himself. Someway, somehow, he knew he would, even if he had to dip back into his HYDRA roots he would find a way for you to love him, you were a villain after all.

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// sorry for the wait, a girls been kept busy. Hope the chapter turned out well, and thank the lord for the wonderful @lunathepettuna for being the cure to writer's block! Check out her amazing writing if you get a chance! If anybody has anything they’d like to see lemme know! Thanks again! P.S. if you guys want to throw random vocab words at me I’ll try and find a way to incorporate them and tag you! Thanks for reading! May Odin bless you! //

#bucky x you #bucky barns imagine #bucky barnes #winter soldier #bucky love story #steve rogers #steve x you #captain america #cpt america #marvel #marvel fanfic #fanfiction #mcu #mcu x reader #mcu fanfiction #poison series

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melancholyandphilosophy-blog · 6 years

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A little bit about Me

It’s 1:21am on a Monday morning and I can’t sleep. That’s nothing new. Sleep is one of many things I’ve fought with over my lifetime, along with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, sexual assault, losing and finding myself over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, we all have our battles. I don’t think I have it any worse or any better than anybody else, but I do think I may have analyzed and understood its depths a little better. All my life I’ve asked “why?”, and just when I think I’ve solved one problem, another one arises. I never stop questioning. It’s a blessing and a curse.

To be honest, I think it’s mostly a curse. Trying to understand in a world that is under no obligation to be understood. Trying to make sense of chaos. I am grateful, though, that I see things the way that I do. You’ll begin to understand why.

I think I’m fairly special. I think we should all think that of ourselves; if we don’t, who will? I’m learning the true meaning of speaking things into existence and along with that, the value of patience. We underestimate the power of our minds. We’re raised to ignore a lot of the signs and signals our bodies and the universe give us. We’re smarter than we think we are. I hope times change and we relearn the importance of communicating with our inner self, and working from the inside outward. Filling our cup before we try to pour water for someone else, and replenishing our own supply when we’ve run dry.

A little bit about Me.

I want to tell you the good things as well as the bad but I have to be honest, I don’t have very many happy memories from about age 12 to 19. I had a wonderful childhood with my two older sisters, my younger brother, and my best friend who lived next door. All of the laughs and love we shared have lumped into one heartwarming, longing memory of mine.

Most of my memories are sad. I read something once a long time ago that explained how humans retain the strongest memories when they felt the most emotion (hence, why I still vividly remember walking out of the school bathroom on the first day of grade nine with toilet paper stuck to my shoe because I was SO embarrassed, I haven’t let myself live it down). I have felt a lot of intense sadness, confusion, apathy, and anger in my lifetime. I’m not so depressed anymore because I’ve come to know myself very well through all of the ups and downs, but we’ll get there.

The first time I cut myself was in grade five. I took my mom’s sewing scissors to my wrist. I knew they were sharp enough because one of my sisters had accidentally cut herself with them years before. I don’t recall feeling particularly sad until after I drew blood; I think initially I was just curious.

My curiosity (and borderline fascination) with pain and death stuck with me from a very young age. When I would hear of deaths in the news I would wait until my parents had gone to bed to get online and read about it. I watched horrors and thrillers and crime shows. I wondered what would come after life and I concluded that it must be eternal blackness. I didn’t believe in God or an afterlife because life was too painful and cruel to think that there was some greater good purpose behind it all.

The night before my grade eight graduation I got my first period. Everything went downhill quickly after that. I’m specifically mentioning the beginning of puberty because I think it’s connected to my fall into depression, and it’s something I’ll probably blog about later. Scientists neglected to research women’s health until recent years with our progression towards equality. I think puberty effects young women’s emotional health much more than we give credit for. Even still, at 21 years of age, I tussle with suicidal thoughts for one week out of every month. Without proper sex education and open discussion about mental illness, our daughters are in danger. The dawn of puberty was a very dark time for me.

I remember the very first time my laugh felt hollow. I was in class with my best friend, we were joking around the way we always did and we laughed until tears but something didn’t feel right inside of me. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t experience any joy. I felt empty. I started relating to dark music and depression blogs on Tumblr where I’d find posts that seemed to describe the way I felt better than I could. Posts such as someone taking off a smiling mask to reveal their “true self”, a face of agonizing despair. I began to draw as an outlet for my overwhelming emotions. That and basketball were the only things keeping me sane.

When I was in grade nine, articles surfaced about someone my age from another province who took her own life. It stuck with me ever since. I read every article there was to read, and following that I researched the most effective ways to kill oneself. Shortly thereafter, I tried to drown myself.

When suicide didn’t work, I tried to take control over something easier to grasp. I stopped eating. I consciously ate a granola bar every third day. I collapsed on the basketball court due to malnutrition and was taken to a dietician. I saw her a few times and convinced everyone that I was cured. Now, I was eating to feed my families concerns, just to run away and spit/puke up much of my food.

I hated myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I sat up until 4 and 5 in the morning every night staring at the wall, inaudibly sobbing, cutting my inner thighs just to feel something. Eventually, I stopped crying at all. I stopped feeling altogether. I was perpetually numb, I was angry and confused and waiting for it all to end. One thought ran through my brain all day, every. single. day. “I'd rather be dead.”

I got caught up in a dead-end relationship throughout high school. My friends and family would ask me what I was doing and I would dismiss their concern because I really thought I was in love. Looking back now, I don’t recognize the girl I was in that relationship and at that time in my life. I endured a series of unfortunate events that all convinced me that I was worthless, nothing more than a piece of meat for a man’s pleasure. I was used, abused, manipulated.

I’ve always been afraid to write or talk about these things in fear of hurting the people who hurt me. That’s really fucked up, actually, that after all the pain they’ve caused me I will still worry about their wellbeing more than my own. With that said, my suffering doesn’t dissipate the love I had for these people. I have a soft and forgiving heart, but it is beaten and bruised and it’s ready to be free. Sexual abuse has haunted me for 8 years now. It has affected me in many ways that, when I find the bravery, I will discuss later in order to shed light on just how harmful it is to its victims. It’s not always a drunken encounter; in fact, quite often sexual assault occurs within relationships. Looking the first person you ever loved in the eyes and choking out the words “you’re raping me” for them to carry on until you black out will inevitably change a person.

I didn’t allow myself time to think about what had happened to me. I didn’t process my pain, I refused to accept what had happened. Instead, I fell in love again, this time intensely. This was a love I’d never known; one of respect, admiration, passion, lust, and everything else wonderful. When this was abruptly stripped from me, I mourned the loss of both of my relationships at once. I felt so small and so alone. I stopped eating, attending school, sleeping, socializing. I hooked up with strangers to feel like for a moment, someone wanted me. I was lost, and that was nobody’s fault but my own because I constantly relied on other people to provide me happiness that I couldn’t find within. I tried to kill myself twice more.

I am lucky to be alive. Lucky and so thankful. I don’t want to detail my suicide attempts because the people who are likely to resonate the most with this post are the people who, similarly to my past self, will make a mental note of those details for future reference. I am absolutely not here to tell you how to hurt yourself; I’m here for the exact opposite. I’m here to tell you why I thank God everyday that it never worked for me. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone, and to help you interpret feelings you might not understand yet. I’m here to tell you how everything hurts until one day it doesn’t anymore, and suddenly you realize you’ve been living a more fulfilling life than you’ve ever known without even recognizing your own strength. I proudly remind myself of how strong I am. I’ve survived years of fighting with myself mentally and physically. I’ve made it to 21 years old when I didn’t think I’d even see 16, and moreover, i’ve learned to count my blessings and appreciate the sick, twisted, strikingly beautiful life I’ve been given.

So that’s a little bit about me. That’s the short story of why I’ve become who I’ve become -- a hopeful young lady with endless potential, a deep understanding of pain and a burning desire to help others feel less alone. Throughout everything I’ve been through I looked for answers to wherein lies some fleeting desire to keep living, and I’ve finally found it. Maybe i’m just venting out all the things I’ve been afraid to say aloud. Maybe this is just free therapy for me. Hopefully at least one person will relate and find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their struggles.

My posts won’t be this dark in the future. Besides, looking back gets you nowhere. We’re looking forward with optimism. This is my story of love and loss, disconsolation and vitality, confusion and clarity. This is my story of recovery.

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