#yesterday was good too ugh
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I was gonna try to work on the Mario crossover today but the ac in my room decided today was the perfect time to stop working and die when we're about to have an insane heat wave this week, the house ac doesn't work in my room ergo my own ac that is now dead. So it's way too hot up there so I have to sit downstairs with my family and no way am I gonna work on fanfiction around them so I guess that plan's down the drain 😑
#I literally can't have anything#I can still write on my phone I suppose but I won't get as much done as if I could be up in my room working on my computer#I'm sick of this every time I try to pull myself together something comes up to knock me back off kilter#fucking fuck summer I hate it I never want another summer ever again#yesterday was good too ugh#I have 1 good day and then thr universe slaps me with something shitty and ruins everything for me every fucking time#okay vent over I'm sorry#abby's just rambling don't mind her
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director of the false last act
#ugh orv art is too good i need to take more than one hour to sit down and plan out something epic in scale. but meanwhile have a ‘i got to#1863 arc yesterday’ thing i guess#han sooyoung#orv#omniscient reader's viewpoint#esha.txt#mycreations#five swords two of them are positioned more like clock hands bc stopping time/progress/etc in that scenario. etc.#i liked my little jhw doodles more than this…….. agh
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y'all ever think about how j.oongi wears eyeliner 😳 I do. A lot haha.
#ash rambles 💚#watching him get ready in the morning.. ajdhwndbqnhd#also. i um. i'd love to do some makeup on him someday if he's good with that!#ash leaning in close.. putting some eyeshadow on him...#ahahaha i wonder why ash's face is covered in lipstick marks later!!!!!! hahaha!!!!! 😳😳😳😳😳#i...um. they have fun. I'm not really an eyeliner girlie so much as i am a really bold + colorful eyeshadow girlie but. hey.#he can do some makeup on me too 😳#i know he mentions taking really good care of his appearance. he KNOWS he's hot.#which i suppose makes sense considering the guy he's a body double for looks like THAT and happened to run a fucking sex club#... man he was so hot-#also it's pretty funny that he was like 'yeah lol i was handsome before the plastic surgery too-'#but my point was#these two are very much the Doing Skincare Together kinda couple. i do some basic stuff (i'm a very loyal tretinoin girlie)#but he has many steps that he puts Ash on. it's pretty fun. they bond a lot when they do their skincare together!#but also in his bingo he does mention feeling insecure about pimples... sir. you're so hot. that's only gonna make you hotter in ash's eyes.#man... ahkdhwjwhwjdjw. this crush on him is. so freaking strong wjdhwjrh#but also. since he takes such good care of his appearance. ash is also the only one that gets to see him how he is in the morning.#no makeup.. messy hair.. omg i found fanart of him with his hair down and i just AJSJAKDHSJSHQJDHQJDHJSDHHWHDHWGD#J.OONGI H.AN THE MAN THAT YOU ARE......#I'm so normal about him i swear#god and i havent even played his game yet... I'm so cooked aren't i wjehwjdhwje#because of the tiktok ban and the such I've been downloading all my saved tiktoks and i have.. so many edits of him.. UGH THAT VOICE......#i dont play with the english dub but his english voice.. AKDHWJDHWJFGQJDHW also the other day (yesterday lol) i wrote their first kiss#and how ash gives him a really soft kiss. and while she's pulling away he grabs her and kisses her hard. it gets pretty heated ngl#they've been pining for so long and he was tired of holding his feelings back. they uh. they make out. a lot. haha.#AHDKAHDJAHSNHA#😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳#like a flowing wind 🔳
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FUCK RECENT BOOK JUST ENDED?!?!???!!
#i have been away too long. WEIRD ass position to be in.#constantly obsessing over my interest but getting scared to interact w it outside of the mind palace#gguuuhhh..... the... ISSUES....... why do i have so many of them...#I NEVER EVEN FULLY FINISHED SEIDER'S BOOK. i was scared of disappointment and scared of an ending#ugh .. but i am... so invested in ratatoskr... alfonse's insane dynamic w her. even if we don't see more of it#like. just the fact that we got That Scene. gave me enough of alfonse's character to work w for A LIFE TIME.#like to me. it can DIRECTLY translate to how he theoretically has been w sharena growing up.#and it still drives me so insane that alfonse has no personal attachment to ratatoskr and is (EVEN SELF ADMITTED!)#using her to his own ends. BUT. BUT. he's still so fucking good to her??? respecting her autonomy#again even if that WAS to win her over. like he was So good about it. IDK IDK IT'S THAT MIXTURE#of an act being purely practical and even self-serving. but he's honest and kind about it.#and ultimately it's on her if she wants to accept that under the given conditions/expectations.#and then ofc the Scheming. alfonse's METICULOUS ride or die act. ratatoskr made the informed choice to trust him#AND BOY HOWDY. WHAT THE FUCK. SIR. i KNOW you have your reasons and all of this is a means to an end#AND THAT'S WHAT DRIVES ME EVEN MORE INSANE. give him a compelling enough reason not just personal practical too#and even if he met you like yesterday. or maybe generously. maybe a week has passed.#this guy is both READY and WILLING. to put his life on the line for you. GOD.#uhghhhh... maybe i should actually play feh.........
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#altaria#here it is… the bird that turns into a dragon-type because reasons…#i still don't think just from looking at this thing that they should be a dragon-type. i feel like it still seems out-of-place given their#design but HONESTLY i like it. i think it's a cool like. subversion. type thing. i would not look at swablu and be like Yeah that evolves#into a dragon-type. and apparently a really good one at that? i believe i've heard good things about altaria#ugh. good things. got a selection of GOOD THINGS on sale‚ stranger… my brain does that sometimes#when i hear or say innocuous phrases it's like HEY that's the same thing this OTHER guy said in this QUOTE you've heard before#dunno WHY but. it happens. and it just happened there. but altaria i dunno it's a dragon-type and that's awesome. i don't remember what i#said i was gonna talk about on the swablu post yesterday wrt altaria and i am too lazy to look back at those tags to remember#hi it's me morning of this posting at like 7 AM. i remembered bc i just looked. i was gonna ask if they were good competitively#and. i'm pretty sure they are. ALRIGHT LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SMOGON#ah okay not busted but generally good i guess. latest information states RU in gen 9 but UU in a lot of other gens. NU and PU in there too#bounced around a lot i guess. but here's my question. why? do i care#it's cute. and i don't care if they're strong or not… because they're cute…
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#good luck today my girls for the first day of your first concert (with an audience) in so many years 🤍🩵💜#my poor Yuju please dont exhaust yourself 😭 your health is the priority I know she must put pressure on herself :/#Umji looked very exhausted yesterday too ☹️#I’m happy they were involved in chosing the set list (and they showed us the stage yesterday lol they dgaf)#its gonna be so emotional seeing them perform all these songs that mean so much to me again and in front of buddies (so lucky I’m happy for#them but jealous haha dream to see them live) but a 3 day straight concert is crazy ugh wish they didnt understimate them again and booked#a bigger venue.. anyways hope it all goes well 💖 so proud of them#I love these pics so much aaaaah look at their smiles 🤩 the prettiest group ever#they look so snuggly & cute I really love these looks/ colors 💘❄️#and of course its not GFriend if theyre not running haha#GFriend#Season of Memories#10th anniversary#reunion#comeback#concert#photoshoot#kpop#ggs#girl groups#looks#styling#cute#pretty#beautiful#gorgeous#stunning#winter#fashion#pastel
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(。・ω・。)ノ♡
#Alright I got tragically interrupted while watching it but I'm finally finished watching the episode!!#It's really really good both the animation and drawings are very detailed compared to the rest of the anime but...#The pace is so off :((( Like it's not the end of the world but ugh. It's unfortunate...#So many things just don't hit off as deeply because everything is moving so fast all the time and there's no time to process anything.#They won't allow you one second for the last line of a scene to sink in that the next scene's ost is already playing.#And like it's not even the worst crime an anime can commit I guess but still...#I wish they didn't. Like rather than make a 13 episodes season and squeeze the Sky Casino arc in merely two episodes it would have been–#a lot better to finish the season at the previous episode and make 12 episodes out of everything (so that everything could be better paced)#Like yeah maybe it's not the best season ending that there can be but... It's not terrible either‚ you have Atsushi saying the line–#“there's still hope” and the season ending there‚ that's pretty cool#I don't know why everyone feels like they have to rush all the time.#Guys do I have to be the one to remind you you make more money if more season come out.#Like how can the knowledge of Sigma being made by the book have any kind of impact when we've only known him for ten minutes.#Teruko's looking mad AND looking cutesy AND blowing up the landing zone didn't have the same comedic effect they did in the manga because..#It just happened all together! There's no time to process anything. Or maybe I'm just slow idk but I mean YOU GOTTA–#MAKE TIME FOR THE OPENING AND ENDING IN THE EPISODE c'mon man#Sorry I'm complaining it's actually good. I really really love Teruko & Tachihara. Jouno too!!!#I liked the Tahihara spotlight this episode... It's so cute to see what he's like when he's not acting– well‚ not completely I guess#Mmmmhhh.#Yesterday I read an interesting post on how a lot of early dc/mk wouldn't work today because the technology of the world has changed SO muc#I think a similar reflection can be made for the doa terrorist plot. Countries are pushing towards a complete digital money transition.#In 50 years or so coins may not be circulating anymore and today already the impact of this terrorist plot would be a lot smaller–#compared to when the chapters were coming out. I think#Well. Nice episode! Forward to next week! If tomorrow's manga chapter hasn't killed me before that#random rambles
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A thing I've noticed about my media consumption habits is that I kinda go through phases of either reading a lot or playing games a lot. Like when I'm in a "reading phase" I still play games but just less, and vise versa. But, when I'm in a "gaming phase" most of the stuff I tend to read is stuff like comics. So I think it's more words vs graphics? Anyway ADHD says it's time for a "gaming phase" so who knows maybe Calamity in Hyrule will get picked up again because I started playing Ocarina of Time again!
#adhd#birb blurts#but yeah expect a dramatic decrease in my reading speed bc all of a sudden it take more focus#i still enjoy it! a lot! its just harder for my brain rn lol#mmmm glad the weather is getting warmer though means the basement wont be as cold whic means i can be down there more#hey who knows maybe ill even finish COTL! just need to get my follower count back up tbh ugh the final fight is so hard tho#oh i actually found this game yesterday called sheepy: a short adventure and its so fun! love the mark of the rabbit sections you just zooom#with epic music too#hmm i should check if yheres anywhere i can buy the soundtrack its so good
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when jane's powers return in season four (and because they were regained by her confronting and accepting her past, rather than being retraumatised with it!) they're stronger than they ever were. when she starts getting a handle back on them, she very quickly comes to realise not only have they affected her, but her mother, too. one of the biggest losses that came about with her losing them was the fact that she could no longer visit terry in the void; while there was no real communication there, it did allow jane to sit with her, and gain a little more connection than she could in the real world. when she first visits the void after their return, it takes her three hours to find terry, something that is both unexpected and incredibly worrying. but when she does, it's something of a miracle. jane's increased strength and control over the void actually wakes terry up from her catatonic state, but only in the void. there's no way to help her mother physically, but she does do so (unbeknownst to her) mentally. terry is reborn in jane's newfound control over the vale of shadows; she becomes the woman she once was, and while her body remains frozen in a "good dream", her mind connected to jane's own allows her some freedom. jane is able to speak to her mother in the void, is able to be held by her, and while it's still unfair and jane cannot stay in there forever, it's something. this only lasts for about eight months, as each visit slowly begins deteriorating terry's physical and mental state, and jane's health begins declining after spending hours upon hours in the void each and every day.
when jane finds out these visits are actually killing her mother on the outside, she deems to stop, but terry expresses the importance of them being able to speak, that she'd prefer to die on the outside, if it meant she could have just a few months with her daughter like this. terry and jane's connection was always so strong, which ultimately led to terry "waking up" in the void, but even jane's newfound strength cannot save her from the harsh realities. each visit nearing the end of those eight months, terry fades more and more, becomes weaker in the void, and her real body eventually gives up. jane's in the void when her mother eventually passes on, and physically feels their connection weaken, like some part of her suddenly becomes lost in the shadows, a part she'll never find again. jane falls into a depressive state for weeks after her mother's death, given she's technically lost her a second time, but soon comes to realise she was lucky to have even shared those eight months together. it was better than nothing at all. there is a proper burial and funeral, (and when jane dies, she's buried next to her mother) which allows jane some sense of closure. she never fully recovers from losing terry, nor from the fact that she never had a proper relationship with her, but she does eventually find some peace with it all.
#study‚ in my dreams it's all real and my heart has so much to reveal.#IF U SAW ME POSTING THIS YESTERDAY. no u didn't.#i wanted to change things again (who is surprised!!) and decided to just rewrite it all rip.#me taking a few weeks off from this blog and then coming back with a brand new terry / jane hc? more likely than u think.#purely self indulgent too i might add!#every day i battle with making my terry portrayal canon to jane's timeline so jane can have her mother in every verse not just#selected ones.#but. her not having her mother is ultimately important to my writing of her and sfjasfjas >:( hate myself for it.#so here be a brand new addition to my timeline that gives jane SOME time with her mother!!! bc i need it for my mental health.#i imagine when terry dies her body turns to smoke in the void. almost like what happened to billy when jane was spying on him.#and he stopped her connection and faded in front of her.#and jane also visited terry a lot in the void because it allowed her to see more memories of her mother.#i hc that she had a real grasp on that before s3 when she looks into billy's memories.#terry (even in her catatonic state) WANTED jane to see what happened to her in hawkins lab.#so she'd want her to see the good stuff too. her childhood. andrew. her grandmother that raised her and becky.#all the good memories!#so when terry dies jane loses all that completely.#which leads to jane grappling with the conflict of whether or not she should have kept visiting terry in the void which eventually led to#her death.#because if she hadn't connected to her. she'd at least be able to look back on all those memories.#jane becomes obsessed within those months and barely speaks to anyone else.#in any free time she has. she's in the void with terry.#her own physical body grows very weak after a little while but she pays no attention to it and even gets into heated arguments with becky.#because becky is jane's carer and needs her safe and healthy. needs to look after her.#but jane is so adamant about the fact that this is her MOTHER and she's finally able to speak to her.#UGH i have so much to say abt this actually i sense a brand new addition to my timeline coming on.#ANYWAY. i'm emotional about them that is all.
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Morning guys!! I'm still working/taking care of my cat and making sure he's ok (he's doing WAY better and seems to be recovering quickly 💖💖) so hopefully I'll get queue and interaction back to normal soon!
#jane journals#not self ship#im at work rn and i get off at 2 which is good#im glad i wont be leaving him alone too long 😭😭#and i have tomorrow off so it should be ok!!#ugh im so mad no one took my shift yesterday but hes doing much better!#im so relieved this shit had me a WRECK#idk HOW im gonna handle my future kids getting sick ajfjf
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most fucked up thing at my new job is there's only zero calorie sweeteners at the coffee station in the break room. three different kinds of zero calorie sweetener but no regular sugar because the assumption is that literally everyone is on a diet?
#is this because its a job dominated by women in particular??? idk#that's so weird#like sorry i can taste the difference and i prefer naturally occurring sugar from nature how is that not even an option#drinking nasty bitter af coffee bc i am So Sleepy but i refuse to use artificial sweeteners#they Do taste different and they're not even good for you im not doing that lol#also they got mad at me for telling one of the parents that we took one of the kids temperature and it was 99 and he threw up a little#when his dad came to get him yesterday and all of the other teachers were nowhere to be found#they were like tou shouldnhave had colleen do that#ma'am colleen went home before that and so did you#i should have left already too but waited bc the ratio on the playground was bad#anyway i did NOT say he had a fever i said it was 99 and to talk to the teacher inside#but the dad didnt yalk to her clearly then went home and scared the mom that he had a fever and threw up so she texted my boss freaking out#i literally just said he threw up a little and we took his temperature and it was 99 and to talk to the other teacher#which was all true and there was no one else there to tell him#anyway#apparently the person who had my job before me was a wacko who scared the parents with fake medical information or something#but that is not my fault and nobody told me that or not to tell the parents anything medical until this morning#ugh#also my supervisor is kind of a weirdo#she wanted to show everyone ~cute~ pictures of animals she has killed while hunting???#and i said i didnt want to see#and she was like ~oh it's not dead yet in the picture~#like okay but its dead now???#she traps them first so its a cute little fox in a trap about to be killed 😭#like wtfff#i know trappong predators is a reality but why take pictures like ohhh so cute then kill it#THEN show everyone the cute pictures like yeah isnt he adorable i killed him btw <3#huh??????#she has a bobcat tail on her keychain too she was giving it to the teachers and kids to pet like ohhh its so soft <3
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why did i decide that getting 4 hours of sleep yesterday was a good idea🫠🫠
#slept for a couple hours on the plane and hopefully can nap on the next one for a couple hours too but.#after that i need to move in. and get groceries. and fill out documents#ugh hopefully i can catch a nap after all that at least but still#yesterday me is an idiot#well tbf a good chunk of it was not being able to fall asleep cause anxiety but still#tanya’s ramblings
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gaslighting yourself really does work man i’m cured of everything now it’s true!!!!! fighting delusions by being even more delusional doctors hate this simple trick
#went out to the store ALONE yesterday!!!!#going to do it again tomorrow#also i’ve been opening the door for delivery guys#like i’m healed fr!!!!!!!!!!!!!#the only thing i can’t seem to fix is the 🖐️picking#but who cares!!!! never had so much progress before#regularly brushing teeth and showering too oh man i’m so good#now i just gotta stop buying shit and everything’s perfect#also clean my room which :/ can wait a little longer ajsksk#like ugh i’m so proud of myself hope it stays that way
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...
#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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Me: Ok. We made it to Hateno. Lyra: Yeah, we did. Me: So that means whenever it's daylight I'll do house chores. Whenever it rains or is night I'll relax. Lyra: Yeah. Me: Yeah. Lyra: It's daytime. Me: I don't want to do chores. Abel, inside the house: FOR HYLIA'S SAKE--
#random rambles#this trick worked yesterday dang it#now I'm too tired ugh#I need to clean my floors!!#and happy Hateno music is good for doing domestic stuff!#Abel's gonna drag me off the couch in a minute I think#uuugggghhhh
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it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such
#if i say it enough i will remember it's true#can you guess which aspect of capitalism i'm struggling with today?#it does not help my bones are somehow WORSE than yesterday even after all of the rest i took so that's Super Fun:tm:#so i've got that on in the back of my head#ugh#i... am putting off calling my grandma - i meant to do it last week but i got too in my head about it#and uno reversed myself into forgetting to do it at all until the Worst Times Possible#(generally around Normal Fuckin Meal Times)#i want to call to wish her a belated mother's day and check in re: grandpa but also...#also i don't want to have to do a phone call i don't want to talk to them about anything at all#they stress me out to talk to and it makes me super uncomfortable to be on the phone in general let alone with a Heavy Topic over our heads#like.... i'm comfortable with where i'm at acceptance-wise with Grandpa's whole situation#and i know i am late for a better relationship with the pair of them in general#like i'm not going to repair a relationship that wasn't built to collapse down to this point this is as far as it got built up to#i'm not building more relationship between me and someone who i know is passing soon when they didn't take the opportunity either#like they had just as much chance as me to improve our relationship after i became an adult and they chose to use my mother as#an intermediary which has stunted their connection to me and that's not my fault#i admittedly did not reach out but i was not taught i could safely do that to anyone#because my parents badmouth literally any person they know for one reason or another#i regularly fuck up in conversations with my grandparents because i'll say somethign that is a holdover from my understanding of them#through my parents and it's like. kind of really insulting! and i've been doing it my whole life and i know as soon as i get their reaction#and i can't recover because i don't actually know them at all#so i can't be like ''oh my god i know that's inaccurate i have no idea why i said that'' because i *don't* know until after i've done it#every goddamn time it happened the last time i got a call from them too#like... my bio fam/family of origin is just not good at keeping in touch and i know i'm a product of that#and i know theoretically how to adjust for it but it does require work on the other end of the line too#and unfortunately i know my bio family too well and know they won't do their part#i grew up in the group project everyone hates#and i'm on my way to deciding they can show up to the presentation day without me#i've started a new family project over here with blackjack and hookers
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