#yes this is what I am doing with my life

[panthera-tigris-venenata]

Jordan’s deal

Literally no one asked for this, but I don’t care.

Ursula is a menace to society and loves her personal soap opera, the Hook family drama (TM). She doesn’t even mind that Uma got dragged in anymore.

And Jordan? Why, Jordan is a blogger, a reporter. She can give Ursula all the gossip she wants. It’s a match that was meant to be, really, and gods know why Jordan disagrees.

[PoV of very grumpy Jordan]

It’s midnight and Jordan’s phone is ringing. Which is weird, since she is pretty sure she put it on silent mode, well, pretty much just as she got the phone and then never turned that back on. Like, ever.

She groans and extends her arm in the vague direction of the annoying device. It doesn't stop ringing.

Bloody thing.

She mutters a string of slurry curses at it, which, weirdly enough, don’t make it shut up either. Instead, the song – wait, is that an instrumental version of Poor, Unfortunate Souls?! 

…Of course it is. Of fucking course it is.

And of course it starts playing even louder.

And in hindsight, Jordan really shouldn’t have given the infamous sea witch her contact when they finalised their deal. But in Jordan’s defence, she really didn’t think Ursula knew how to use a phone.

Realising that the phone won’t shut up on its own, Jordan climbs out of her warm and comfy bed and picks up the call.

„Yeah?“ she greets unenthusiastically.

„Well, get on with it, girl!“ the sea witch’s voice does not sound like it’s coming from the phone reproductor at all. Jordan refuses to acknowledge that.

„Get on with what?“ she asks, trying to get her brain back online and running. She decides that Ursula owes her a coffee for this.

„Well, what do you think? What do I pay you for?“

„You do not pay me. You asked me for extra coverage of your daughter and, as you put it, the Hook family drama in Auradon, in exchange for advertising my channel in your restaurant.“

Which, admittedly, worked out quite well. Jordan’s subscription base receives quite steady growth due to this arrangement, whether it is because Ursula is very persuasive or because she thinks that holding her customers at knife point is fun, well, that’s not Jordan’s problem.

(Ursula disagrees. She thinks it’s fun to call at any time to share her tactics with Jordan. She was especially amused at poisoning the food of some annoying scallywags and withholding the antidote until after they subscribe. Jordan decided that this is also not her problem and deleted the record of the call from her phone. You know, plausible deniability.)

„Figures,“ the sea witch shrugs, „Now, what did I hear about my daughter and the Hook boy?“

„You need to wait and see in the morning like everybody else. It’s literally midnight.“

„Oh, I know it is midnight, dear – I have the Unhappy Hour around here, so you better hurry up!“

Jordan sights. There is no winning this one, is it.

She really needs to figure out how to block possibly magic phone calls. At least for the nights. Or forever.

„I’m waiting–“ Ursula singsongs and Jordan bites her tongue, as insulting a greek goddess is never a good idea. That much even she knows.

„You really need to stop calling Harry the Hook boy,“ she says instead.

„And why would I ever do that?“ Ursula has the freaking audacity to sound genuinely surprised, „It’s easy to remember and true. I have to use extra adjectives for the girls, would you believe that?“

„… You could use their names?“ suggests Jordan weakly.

„…Nah. Now, the Hook boy and my daughter?“

Okay, sure. This works. Jordan mentally pents up the price of this call of another coffee and a shot of rum.

„Really though, you might need to find another nickname soon,“ she says, and, yeah, her brain hasn't really caught up to her mouth yet, „Because he proposed to Uma and offered to take her name.“

„Well, what did she say?“

Suddenly, Jordan can hear a commotion through the phone, raised voices of drunk sailors admonishing each other to „shut the fuck up for once in your life“ and „Quiet or I’ll kill you right now!“

(All three Hooks and Uma are way more creative with their death threats, by the way.)

„Did you put me on speaker?“ Jordan asks in disbelief.

„Well, duh. I have a betting pool over them running. Now, what did she say? What about the ring? Did anyone die? Was there any ritual sacrifice?“

Jordan wisely decides not to comment on the sea witch’s priorities in general and the ritual sacrifice part in particular. She doesn’t want to know more.

Though, actually…

„…Wouldn’t you know it if there were a ritual sacrifice?“

„Obviously not. It would be dedicated to my daughter, wouldn’t it now?“ Ursula responds in „well, duh,“ tone and Jordan decides that she is done with the questions.

„Actually, could you do me a favour, dear?“ Ursula asks, as if she just remembered something.

„I certainly could not do you a favour, thank you for asking!“ replies Jordan with her best fake cheer voice. She shouldn’t be forced to do this in the middle of the night.

Ursula laughs and offers to help her film an exclusive tour through the port of the Isle of the Lost. Or through the back alleys of Atlantica, her choice.

That is way better.

„Well, now we are talking,“ replies Jordan, „What would you like me to do?“

„Convince the youngest Hook that ritual sacrifices are fun and awesome wedding entertainment and make it seem like it was her idea all along.“

„…Sounds fair.“ Hopefully, there will be no human sacrifice needed. But Jordan is deleting this call too, just in case.

„And by the youngest Hook you mean CJ?“ she asks, just to be sure.

„Yeah, that one.“

„Okay.“ Jordan prepares to hang up, but then she remembers one important detail – in her defence, it’s midnight, and it’s not like they knew.

„Little problem.“

„…Yeah?“ prompts the sea witch as the restaurant behind her actually stills.

„You do know that they have been legally married since they were like sixteen, right?“

…And the regulars erupt in awful noise again. Jordan’s head hurts.

„I’m just saying because apparently, they didn’t know that. But I found the paperwork, so… Well, anyway, you’ll see more in the morning. Bye!“

And Jordan hangs up before Ursula can react.

Hopefully she will get some more sleep now – especially if she leaves her phone outside of her lamp. That way, she can’t hear it ringing. Hopefully.

[deep-space-lines]

okay but like. I just had the weirdest thought about that ‘don’t look I’m naked’ comic. Which is that that’s essentially the same thing Adam and Eve did after they ate the fruit of knowledge of good&evil. So I feel like the theological implications of that could kneecap Gabe if he doesn’t think V1 is a being with free will.

yeah ok. i dunno man. is this anything

((side note. this isn’t necessarily meant to be in-character or story-accurate or take place at any particular point in time, just a way to explore some Thoughts. i was also imagining more that V1’s words aren't actually spoken, more like Gabriel’s more articulate interpretation of whatever garbled mechanical noise V1 is using to communicate. I think an angel could do that.))

and then they fucked nasty the end

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Sublime Equine.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[lazylittledragon]

do any other artists feel like. yeah you're a 'good artist' because you draw things that look nice, but like. TECHNICALLY? you're really not great

i really hate that i can recognise that yes, my art is good, but is it VARIED? is it dynamic?? is my anatomy good? is it full of texture and colour theory? do i know how to do This? can i do That? no, not really. and that's quite painful actually

[collophora]

This fic is leaving rent free in my head since a week so go read it: Haunting by @iiidunno : https://archiveofourown.org/works/54832273/chapters/138984958 [Edit] ok I put half a BG 'cause really It was bothering me

[canon-gabriel-quotes]

Transcript:

Machine.

Does my ass look fat in this armor?

Audio source

[aliciavance4228]

Apparently Zeus Isn't the Biggest Whore...

I made a Top 3 Malewhores from Greek Mythology out of curiosity, and apparently Zeus isn't the first one.

3rd Place: Apollo! 🥉

Bodycount: 52

Goddesses (4)

Hecate

Calliope

Urania

Thalia

Nymphs (15)

Aethusa

Acacallis

Chrysothemis

Corycia

Cyrene

Leuconoe

Melaena

Melia

Ocyrrhoe

Othreis

Urea

Rhetia

Sinope (depending on the myth version)

Stilbe

Syllis

Mortal Women (24)

Acalle or Acacallis

Amphissa

Euboia

Aria

Deione

Arsinoe

Dryope

Evadne

Erginos

Hecuba

Hyria

Celaeno

Chione

Coronis

Creusa

Cyrene

Leucippus' wife

Manto

Parthenope

Phthia

Procleia

Psamathe

Thero

Thyia

Male Lovers (9)

Hyacinthus

Hymenaeus

Cyparissus

Adonis

Admetus

Branchus

Helenus

Hyppolytus

Phorbas

2nd Place: Zeus! 🥈

Bodycount: 56

Goddesses (16)

Aphrodite

Demeter

Dione (unless Aphrodite is motherless)

Eurynome

Gaia

Hera

Hybris (depending on the myth versions)

Calliope

Leto

Metis

Mnemosyne

Nemesis

Persephone (again, depending on the myth versions)

Selene

Styx (when she's the mother of Persephone)

Themis

Nymphs (18)

Aegina

Aix

Borysthenes' daughter

Deino

Electra

Himalia

Hora

Io

Callirhoe

Carme

Maia

Nymphe African

Nymphe Sithnis

Nymphe Samothrakian

Othreis

Plouto

Taygete

Thalia

Mortal Women (21)

Alcmene

Antiope

Danae

Dia

Elara

Europa

Eurymedusa

Callisto

Calyce

Cassiopea

Lamia

Laodameia

Leda

Lysithoe

Niobe

Olympias (Yes, mother of Alexander of Great!)

Pandora

Pyrrha

Phthia

Semele

Thyia

Male Lovers (1)

Ganymede

1st Place: Poseidon! 🥇

Bodycount: 71

Goddesses (4)

Amphitrite

Aphrodite

Demeter

Gaia

Nymphs (25)

Alcyone

Anippe

Arethusa

Ascra

Beroe

Eidothea

Euryte

Celaeno

Celusa

Chione 1

Chione 2

Cleodora

Corcyra

Medusa (I know she's a gorgon but this is the closest category she could've been included in)

Melantheia

Melia

Mideia

Nymphe Khias

Nymphe Tarentine

Peirene

Pero

Pitane

Salamis

Thoosa

Tritonis

Mortal Women (40)

Agamede

Aethra

Alope

Althaea

Amphikriton's daughter

Amymone

Anippe

Arene

Arne or Antiope

Astydameia

Astypalaea

Europa (not that Europa, another one; now I'm starting to believe that Poseidon tries to copy Zeus...)

Euryale

Eurycyda

Eurynome

Helle

Hyppothoe

Iphimedeia

Caenis

Calyce

Canace

Celaeno

Chalcinia

Chrysogeneia

Cleito

Larissa

Leis

Lena

Libya

Lysianassa

Mecionice

Melantho

Mestra

Molione

Oenope

The wife of Prince Ornytion

Periboea

Themisto

Theophane

Tyro

Male Lovers (2)

Nerites

Pelops

[made-nondescript]

If u still want ideas to draw..... perhaps a hotguy? All beaten up and bloody? Give him a flower crown tho. Gotta balance the suffering somehow. /silly

No if u wanna I'd just love to see hotguy in general. Love ur art <3

HIIII STIFF :D hotguy is not having a fun time. i think this is the first time ive ever drawn hotguy so i totally was making this up as i go LOL

[m-a-d-e-l-e-i-n-e]

I hope leftists who think they’re above voting for president or are voting for Jill Stein or whoever because it’s their stupid way of protesting the system feel good about themselves, especially if Trump wins partly because of your negligence 😍 I know you’re not doing shit to plan the proletarian revolution, especially before January, so you guys better not complain about something harming you that you didn’t even bother to try and change

(edit: changed the last part bc I wrote “…if life gets a lot worse for you” cause that does nottt sound right at all and I apologize for writing that)

[thresholdbb]

I’m now realizing I could never be in Starfleet. The spoons are too weird

[wasyago]

oh boy, what are we doing to do with you now...

[expectiations]

I still find it funny that people call eleven a "deadbeat husband" and their marriage "toxic" but twelve is the "perfect husband" and their marriage "wedded bliss" all because of the few moments we'd seen between 11 and River were them being "toxic". yes of course! let's ignore how the minisodes show how that description isn't true and even how little moments in the episodes themselves – "what? that's it?" (why haven't you kissed me goodbye? are you being sly on purpose so I'd kiss you first?) and "they wouldn't bury my wife out here" and the music room is the heart of the home and it's not a ghost story, it's a love story – show 11 cared and put in the work and yes, they're going to have disagreements like the ones in TATM because duh who doesn't but it does not mean it is the entirety of their relationship but people have taken it and made it the entirety of their relationship.

[cat-cosplay]

We decided to russet up an adventuring party for Dungeons & Dragons.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Izutsumi character study

[arcturianview]

im still pissed abt Viktor being told "nooooo don't try to cure your terminal illness!!! dont try to fix your leg!!! you're beautiful because of it"

there was a way to write this that didn't feel gross. this was not that way. with more time; with him actually overstepping bounds and pushing on in spite of it instead of immediately becoming suicidal; with this desire to "fix himself" shown more to be because of external pressure instead of a desire to stop his escalating pain and impending death, i could have found this to not feel awful. but it does.

maybe just pointing out his leg as an example could have worked. especially if it was more heavily demonstrated that his desire to walk without mobility aids was rooted in insecurity (perhaps he proudly shows off to people that he can now walk "normally")

but using his terminal illness as an example is just gross. just "be happy you're going to die young because its part of what makes you who you are" GIRL WHAT???

especially when his terminal illness is rooted in systemic issues... eh. feels bad man.

[flipflopmaster]

Fem!Ford at your service I'm out