#yes poi may very well be in the wrong here

[certifiedlurker]

People who "Stan" other people to the point of...idk what to call it exactly but for the lack of a better word let's say "obsession" are really something. So the character of Pete is now going to be forever associated with Build? Like y'all are really out there, not having any idea about a person of flesh and bone and projecting the fictional man Pete onto him and getting offended that people are making gifsets of the character because they didn't support Build and sided with poi initially?? I mean 😬😬😬😬😬 yikes.

The blurred lines between real and reel that cannot be a good thing. In twenty years if someone remakes kinnporsche with a new cast, would it then according to your logic be of a "moral" standing to gif and gush about the new Pete? I mean you all are really out here saying that no! You cannot like Pete, the fictional bodyguard whom the storyline has given a fictional back story and fictional strengths and weaknesses! You have to ardently worship Build Jakapan before you get to that. Lmao give me a fucking break. I wonder if liking Pete would also come with the declaration of wanting to support the mafia 💀

[kanside]

something sorta lame about having neurodivergence or spicy cooties or whatever the fuck the internet calls Autism and ADHD is that i will always weird people out. i give people uncanny valley because if im strange i must be unhuman. its frustrating! i am very much human, but i suffer from disorder and disability and i am unchangingly weird.

i will want to pour my life story early on in the day but not in the afternoon. i may not have time for you, and prefer indoor activities and staying home, but please still invite me to leave the house as much as possible because i deserve to have the option and i will often take it. i may act in a pattern which will cause your pattern-seeking brain to define my personality, but my patterns will always be determined by complex problems and the personality you see is a miscommunication. for example, i may say i want to talk to you more often, but seemingly not make effort to do so. you may think its rude, and that's fair to think that, but the motivation is not to be rude or hurt you. my days are defined by a pattern of different obstacles and pains to overcome, and i post about them here to give insight into why i act the way i do. these obstacles drain me, so unfortunately by the end of the day when my friends just woke up, all i want to do is rest my mind and do something like watch mha, south park, or play sims 4 - really whatever im into atm.

this doesnt mean i dont make mistakes or misbehave, im not making excuses. i admittedly have emotional problems and for as long as i can remember i have been evolving and working to change them. this means be critical. dont be abusive or criticize things that are utterly out of my control, but truly criticize every action i take. i have a behavior disorder as well as ADHD and anxiety, the lines often become blurred and i cant tell right from wrong in the moment. if you feel frustrated with my behavior or see habits you disagree with, and you either want me to apologize, explain why i acted that way, and/or change my behavior, you should clearly express how you feel and what i did that was wrong. correct my behavior in the moment and dont be afraid to be critical, i can take it. my feelings may become hurt and i may be confused, but in that moment it is not your job to comfort me, i only expect information and what i can do to better the situation. truth is that in person i lose my temper quicker, and its very hard to have this conversation if we're not close, so i definitely recommend doing this over text/message. its fine to do it in person if there is a safe space, but i only really have successful conversations like that with someone im extremely close in (ie. my parents!) when online i can hold more emotional strain and effective communication is easier to pull off.

i know that sounds like a lot of work, but the truth is that relationships (yes, especially friendships) require an extreme amount of dedication and effort. again i should not be babied or excused, however it isnt fair to assume we're friends if you ghost me or launch anger at me all at once. the most effective way to conmunicate with me, with the intention of repairing a relationship, is to directly and clearly communicate with me your feelings and expectations, and work to come to a solution.

i will tell myself that this is because i struggle with communication, because im autistic and cant read your mind, but the truth is that everyone deserves this treatment. it is not an attack to privately hold a friend accountable for mistakes, misbehavior, bad habits, or hurtful words. as long as the goal is to fix a problem, mend feelings, and make yourself feel safe and worthy in a relationship.

if you dont value these aspects of communication, i dont want to be your friend. this post started out as a little ramble about how autism can affect first impressions, and now its devolved into a vent about how i expect friends to engage conflict. i know i got off track, but i have a point.

my point is, every sort of relationship (friendship, love, allyship, business partners, whatever) absolutely REQUIRES direct, clear communication.

ive decided that i will not put up with people that ghost me, that add dramatics to genuine conflict, that jump to conclusions without asking, people that engage in conflict in unhealthy ways. my expectation is that if you have the slightest anxiety or frustration, you reach out calmly and clearly, you express how you feel and what you expect, and we have a conversation about why it happened and how we can find a solution.

it sounds like a lot, but its geniunely not hard. this is how relationships are held over time, and people refusing to do this are why relationships online and in person, especially with neurodivergent people (or just people who prefer direct communciation), do not last long.

uhh sorry for all the negative tone, rant over!

[dbfacets]

Facets: Chapter Ten

Summary: Evil is once again brewing in the Demon Realm.  This time, however, even the Grand Priest is concerned with how things develop, especially when it involves someone from his past...

Author Notes: ive said this about a few other chapters but this is one of my top fav chapters for sure!!!  got some beloved characters of mine in here :) enjoy!

--

Shot begins with a view of the Demon Realm.  There’s spiky rocks and shit like that idk.  Shot focuses on some commotion down below on the ground, where a group of demons are arguing over who’s going to rule next.

UNNAMED DEMON 1 I should be the one to wear the crown!  I’m more worthy than all of you combined!

UNNAMED DEMON 2 Get real!  I’m obviously the strongest!

UNNAMED DEMON 3 You’re both wrong!  I should be the new ruler!

While they’re all bickering, the camera focuses on ESTO peeking out from behind a rock formation.  He looks peeved.  He slinks behind the rock and growls to himself.

ESTO Petty fools…  Don’t they know none of them are worthy of ruling this place?  They hardly compare to King Taoreta…  Hell, even Taoreta pales in comparison to those that came before him.

Shot changes to show silhouettes of past demon rulers.

ESTO (off-screen) This realm used to be crawling with powerful demons, all worthy of being rulers in their own right.  If it weren’t for that damned Omni-King erasing them and their universes, they’d still be here to settle all of this and bring order to the Demon Realm…

Shot changes to show ESTO brooding angrily.

ESTO If only they could be brought back somehow…

He seems to get an idea suddenly, and he then grins wickedly.

Shot changes to show some shinjin planet.  There’s shinjin running around playing and having a good time, I guess waiting to be chosen to be Supreme Kais.  Shot focuses on one shinjin in particular--SUT.  They stop what they’re doing and look over to a tree, where ESTO is peeking out from behind it.  He waves them over.  They curiously look at him for a moment before heading over to meet him.

SUT Who are you?

ESTO I’m just someone looking for help.

SUT Really?  What do you need help with?

ESTO This may sound silly, but...I need help gathering the Super Dragon Balls.  I want to make a very important wish that will help a lot of people.  I don’t know the language of the gods, so I need someone who can make my wish for me.

SUT That does sound important…

They look over their shoulder for a moment before turning back to ESTO.

SUT I think I can help you.  I have really good sight, so I can definitely find them for you.  I’m also fluent in that language, too.

ESTO smiles, and there’s a hint of something sinister in it.

ESTO Thank you so much.

Cut to a shot of the Super Dragon Balls with the dragon being summoned.  SUT and ESTO are floating in front of them.  SUT turns to ESTO.

SUT Okay, what’s the wish?

ESTO grins. Shot changes to show the GRAND PRIEST standing somewhere in ZEN-OH’s palace.  He seems to hesitate as if he senses a disturbance, and he then summons his staff.  He looks into the ball at the end of his staff for a moment before looking shocked.  Cut back to ESTO and SUT.  The dragon disappears and the dragon balls disperse.  SUT looks at ESTO again.

SUT That was a pretty big wish!  I never thought anyone would do something like that.

ESTO Yes, well...it was an essential wish.  I thank you for helping me get it granted.  Unfortunately...that is all I need you for.

SUT looks at him questioningly, but then there’s a look of fear on their face when ESTO pulls out a dark energy sword.  Shot ends with him holding it up to slice.

Shot cuts to show the Demon Realm again.  Everyone’s still bickering.  It focuses on a demon named POI, who’s just kind of watching from the sidelines.  ESTO soon returns, and POI goes over to him.

POI Esto!  Where have you been?  Things have gotten crazy down here!

ESTO I was taking care of some important business.

POI Business?  What business?

ESTO grins.

ESTO Patience, Poi.  You’re about to find out.

The two of them look off into the distance, where a huge silhouette of a crowd of big demons is approaching.  Slowly, they come into view, and there’s a ton of nasty-looking demons of all shapes and sizes walking forward.  ESTO looks very pleased.  The big demons start to part, and a smaller demon woman walks through the path that’s been cleared.  It’s MAZAKA, and she looks badass. ESTO Your new leader has arrived.

POI Leader?  You can’t mean her!

The big new demons (two of which are KOKKUTA and CHOVE) grin evilly.  The previous demons start crowding around them.  POI hops down and runs to the front of the crowd to meet them.

POI You can’t just show up outta nowhere and claim the throne!  You have to wait in line like the rest of us!

MAZAKA So, you’re saying I have to clear you all out first before I can claim my throne?

POI Yeah!  All of us!

MAZAKA grins softly.

MAZAKA …  Very well.

She lifts a hand and holds it out before flicking her wrist upward.  Shot shows the silhouettes of POI and all the smaller demons getting straight up impaled by a bunch of spikes that come through the ground.  ESTO is just smirking at the scene.  MAZAKA and her underlings walk around the forest of impaled demons and approach ESTO.

ESTO It’s been too long, Mazaka.

MAZAKA Indeed, it has.  I assume you are the reason we have returned?

ESTO Yes.  I felt that it was time for you to--

MAZAKA suddenly grabs ESTO by the throat and chokes him.

MAZAKA It took you a millenia to resurrect me.  I dearly hope you don’t expect praise for this, do you?

ESTO N-no, Your Majesty, I wouldn’t dare…!

MAZAKA squints at him before releasing him, leaving him to rub his neck and cough.  She walks by him with her minions following.

MAZAKA Then tell the others that their ruler has come home.

ESTO is left behind to nervously watch her walk away.

Cut to the white space where the GRAND PRIEST has called for meetings with the other deities.  He teleports in on his podium as usual, but when he arrives, he takes on a look of surprise.  Shot changes to show various new gods standing around with the previous gods of the 8 universes, and they’re all looking at each other in confusion and shock.  The GRAND PRIEST rubs his chin.

GRAND PRIEST I...see.  It seems someone has resurrected the universes that had previously been erased after all this time.  But, who?  And...why?

Shot shows IVE standing with MOJA, POLI, and MARDUK.  They all look frightened.

GRAND PRIEST Alright, everyone…  I called you all here so that I may confirm these happenings with my own eyes.  Now that I have...I suppose you should all return to your respective universes until I call for you again.  I must speak with the Omni-King to decide what course of action we are to take.

The gods look at each other before starting to teleport away.  Eventually, GRAND PRIEST is left by himself to think.  Suddenly, the ground behind him starts to crack, and he looks back.  The crack grows larger, and smoke starts to come out of it.  It soon breaks open completely, and MAZAKA emerges from the smoke with a little grin.  GRAND PRIEST looks very displeased to see her.

MAZAKA …  You don’t look too happy to see me again, Priest.

GRAND PRIEST frowns.

GRAND PRIEST I was under the impression that you were erased with the rest of the demons from your universe.

MAZAKA starts approaching him with a little laugh.

MAZAKA Oh, I was.  Luckily, someone was thoughtful enough to bring me back, along with all of my friends.

GRAND PRIEST looks disgruntled.

MAZAKA Oh, don’t look so upset, Priest.  You act as though you never liked me at all...when we both know that isn’t true.

She gets closer to him until she’s in his personal space, and he looks away with a scowl.

MAZAKA Remember when you used to call me Maz?  You were always so cute, you know.

GRAND PRIEST That was before you decided to side with the Demon Realm and give up your status as a deity in favor of ruling over them.  Things have changed.

MAZAKA is still smiling, but there’s a wicked look in her eyes as he continues to speak.

GRAND PRIEST You and the rest of your ilk received the punishment you asked for when you tried to rebel against us.  It would do you well to remember that your actions have consequences.  Now, I suggest you go back to the Demon Realm before I am forced to take action.

MAZAKA …  And you wonder why I left in the first place.

MAZAKA finally backs up and waves her hand dismissively.

MAZAKA Very well, I will leave you.  But, don’t expect me to stay gone forever...Priest.

With that, she disappears back into the smoke, and the crack in the ground seals itself up.  GRAND PRIEST is left standing there uncomfortably.

Cut to MOJA pacing around while ROWHEA, IVE, and POLI watch.

MOJA I just don’t get it!  Where did they all come from?  The other universes were supposed to have been erased thousands of years ago!  Is it some kind of trick?

POLI I don’t believe it was a trick, Lord Moja; the Grand Priest seemed genuinely concerned with the situation.

MOJA I just don’t see why someone would go against Grand Zen-oh’s decision like that.  What are they planning?

IVE tilts his head.

IVE Why is it a bad thing…?  Isn’t it good that the other universes are back?

MOJA No!!  Zen-oh made the decision to erase them, and bringing them back is going directly against their word!  Someone must be plotting something serious to do something so stupid.

IVE looks disgruntled at this, but says nothing else.

Cut to the Demon Realm again.  MAZAKA is rallying the demons while ESTO, KOKKUTA, and CHOVE stand behind her.  They’re all standing on a rock formation that’s acting as a podium.

MAZAKA Fellow demons, thank you for your warm reception.  It is good to be back home.  I feel as though a celebration is in order, don’t you?  As it turns out...I have the perfect way to celebrate our return.

She gives an evil look.

MAZAKA It is time to wage war against the gods.  With our newfound numbers, we are more powerful than we’ve ever been.  It shall be easy to overrun the gods and take what is rightfully ours--the power to rule over the Mortal Realm.  They’ve looked down on us for far too long, have they not?  Don’t you agree it’s time we show them how powerful the Demon Realm really is?  Don’t you think it’s time we show them why they should fear us?

The crowd of demons goes wild, blowing fire and cheering and stuff like that.  MAZAKA’s subordinates all grin darkly.  MAZAKA turns her attention to a few demons at the front of the crowd.

MAZAKA I will be leading this effort, of course.  However, I have appointed a few trusted allies to aid me in order to make sure things run smoothly.  They are all Demon Lords of their respective universes.

Shot focuses on SHAZA.

MAZAKA Shaza, of Universe F.

Shot focuses on ABORA.

MAZAKA Abora, of Universe N.

Shot focuses on AKAL.

MAZAKA And finally, Akal, of Universe U. Shot shows the three Demon Lords standing together as MAZAKA speaks behind them.

MAZAKA These three are all very determined to get their revenge on the Omni-King for erasing them, which tells me they are motivated enough to be very reliable allies.  I trust that they will prove quite useful in the final battle.

MAZAKA seems to notice something off to the side.  She looks over to see SIRACHA just kind of floating there casually on his back, without a care in the world.

MAZAKA …  And who is that?

ESTO leans in.

ESTO That is Siracha, Your Majesty.  He’s one of the more recent Demon Gods to appear.  He hasn’t proven himself very trustworthy or useful for that matter; he’s quite unpredictable.  I would just ignore him.

MAZAKA A Demon God, you say?

MAZAKA watches SIRACHA for a moment, then grins.

MAZAKA …  You.  Siracha, correct?

SIRACHA looks over at her when he’s called, rolling over.

SIRACHA That’s me.

MAZAKA I hear you’re quite the interesting character.  A Demon God, even.  You seem like the type to enjoy a bit of fun.

SIRACHA I’d agree with you there.

MAZAKA You are also well-informed on the activities of the other gods, are you not?

SIRACHA I get around.

MAZAKA I see.  Then, would you be interested in being my informant?  I would just need you to keep me updated on what the gods are doing during this operation.  You will surely be rewarded for your efforts when this is over.

SIRACHA hums before rolling over again.

SIRACHA …  Sounds interesting.  I’m in.

MAZAKA grins evilly.

MAZAKA Good.

Shot cuts to MOJA’s castle.  MOJA and POLI are in the kitchen having a discussion.

MOJA This is still so bizarre to me.  Who in their right mind would want to gain Zen-oh’s attention in such a bad way?  Do they want the whole damn multiverse to get destroyed?

POLI I’m not sure.  What I do know, however, is that the Grand Priest believes that the Demon Realm plans to wage war on the gods now that their strongest leader has returned as well as a very large number of demons.

IVE can be seen eavesdropping from behind a wall.

MOJA Yikes.  That sounds about right, though.  He better talk to Zen-oh fast before things get out of hand.  At this rate, there really will be a war, and if that happens, it’s possible that the Mortal Realm will be affected, too.  It might even get destroyed as collateral damage.  I say Zen-oh needs to just nip this in the bud while there’s still time.

IVE seems concerned with this information, and he heads off down the hallway.  Cut to IVE finding ROWHEA.

ROWHEA Hey, dude, what’s up?  You look worried about something.

IVE I am.  Rowhea, I need you to cover for me for a little bit.  I have to go take care of something.  It’s really important.  Can you do that for me?

ROWHEA Uh, sure, no problem.  Don’t do anything too crazy, alright?

IVE nods.  Cut to IVE in his room holding a button similar to the one Zen-oh gave Goku to summon him.  He presses it, and a projection pops up from it.  ENLIL can be seen on the projection, and she soon notices IVE.

ENLIL Ive?  What’s wrong?

IVE This is going to sound stupid, but can you take me to Zen-oh’s place?  I really need to talk to them.

ENLIL …  You’re right, that does sound stupid.  You know what’ll happen if you say something wrong, right?

IVE I know…  I wouldn’t be doing this normally, but something awful is about to happen and this is the only way I know of stopping it.

ENLIL …  Okay.  I’ll be over in a sec to get you.  But if you mess this up, I’m not going to cover for you.

IVE Thanks, Enlil.

Cut to the two of them teleporting to the Omni-King’s place.  GRAND PRIEST is there to greet them.

GRAND PRIEST Oh, Universe X.  I was not expecting to see you today.  You’ve come at an unfortunate time, however; there are important things I must be tending to.

IVE steps forward.

IVE That’s actually why I came.  I know you’re thinking about having Zen-oh erase the universes again, and I don’t think that’s the right answer.

GRAND PRIEST’s expression falters.  ENLIL stiffens up.

GRAND PRIEST …  Ive, was it?  I appreciate your concern, and I have praised you for preventing the erasure of Universe A in the past, but I must warn you that there are some things that you would be wise to let those above you handle themselves.  What is happening does not concern those who are not considered gods.

IVE I’m training to become a god, doesn’t that amount for something?

GRAND PRIEST For this?  I must say no.  Please return to your universe at once.

ENLIL tugs on IVE’s arm.

ENLIL You tried, Ive.  Let’s just go.

IVE No, I know there’s a better solution than erasing whole universes.  Can’t I just talk to Zen-oh for a little while?

GRAND PRIEST looks peeved, now. GRAND PRIEST I will not ask you again, saiyan.

IVE shrinks back a little before hanging his head in defeat.  ENLIL holds his arm.

ENLIL We apologize for the disturbance.  Kai kai.

The two teleport away, leaving the GRAND PRIEST to frown.

Shot changes to show ENLIL and IVE in IVE’s room again.  They’re sitting down.

ENLIL I can’t believe you talked to the Grand Priest like that.  You’re so lucky he didn’t annihilate you on the spot.

IVE Why was he so adamant about getting rid of the universes again?  You’d think he’d be open to ideas that didn’t involve damaging the whole multiverse…

ENLIL Sometimes you should just not question people’s decisions.  They must know better than us.

IVE I seriously don’t think he knows what he’s doing.  The other universes shouldn’t have to suffer because of some war they don’t even know is happening.

ENLIL Well, what do you plan to do?  If war is going to break out between the Demon Realm and the gods, then Zen-oh is surely going to show up and end it before it even begins.

IVE thinks for a moment.

IVE …  Then I guess we’ll have to show up and meet them there and convince them not to erase the universes that way.

Cut back to the Demon Realm.  MAZAKA is rallying her forces.  She lifts her staff and casts a spell that opens a huge portal.  She then addresses her troops.

MAZAKA This portal is a gateway to the realm of the gods.  When we pass through, war shall begin.

The demons look like they’re about to go absolutely feral.  Cut to the other side of the portal, where all the gods are gathering behind GRAND PRIEST.  He looks serious as he observes the portal.  Shot shows MOJA, POLI, and MARDUK.  MARDUK leans over to MOJA.

MARDUK Where is Ive?  Shouldn’t he be here?

MOJA The Grand Priest specifically ordered me to leave him behind.

GRAND PRIEST …  They’re coming.

Shot shows MAZAKA’s shoe coming through the portal, and soon enough she fully emerges with a grin on her lips.  She and the GRAND PRIEST have a stare-off.

MAZAKA Hello, Priest.  It’s so nice of you to have gathered all of the gods here to welcome me.  It’s a shame that you and the rest of them will all be gone soon.

GRAND PRIEST You have one chance to turn back and call off your armies before you meet the same fate as before.

MAZAKA You mean Zen-oh?  Oh, Priest, you really think things will play out the same way they did last time?

As soon as she finishes speaking, KOKKUTA and CHOVE fly out of the portal on either side of her, heading directly towards GRAND PRIEST.  He scowls and lifts up his hands, stopping them with one big attack (they get obliterated). GRAND PRIEST You’re sorely mistaken if you believe I’d succumb to a few lowly goons.

MAZAKA Perhaps it’s not the goons that you should be worrying about.

GRAND PRIEST suddenly notices a huge spell circle underneath him.  Before he can react, the spell activates, and he’s caught in some sort of dark energy that freezes him in place.  The other gods look shocked, but they’re soon caught in the same energy.  GRAND PRIEST seems to be struggling.

GRAND PRIEST Even the angels…  They’re your children!

MAZAKA gets a sour look on her face, but she’s still smiling.

MAZAKA Oh, so now you decide to play the family card.  How sweet of you.  But, didn’t you say it yourself?  Things have changed.

Shot changes to show IVE and ENLIL watching all this from a crystal ball in his room.

ENLIL This is bad.  The Grand Priest can’t call Zen-oh to come take care of them before they can start the war.  Now there’s nothing in their way…

IVE That means Zen-oh isn’t going to show up…  I guess we have to go to them instead.

ENLIL Right.

Cut to the two of them arriving at Zen-oh’s palace again.  They fly up to the palace, and it cuts to them running down the hallway to the throne room.  Two guards stop them before they enter.

ZEN-OH Move, I can’t see who it is.

The guards move out of the way to reveal ZEN-OH standing there with a neutral look on their face.

ZEN-OH Oh, you’re that one guy from earlier.  Do you need something?

IVE Y-yes.  Grand Zen-oh, something very bad is about to happen.  Your Grand Priest can’t call for you, so I had to come instead to tell you that the Demon Realm is about to wage war on the gods.

ZEN-OH Mmm.  It’s because all those universes got revived, right?  That’s okay.  I can take care of it.

They lift up their hands to erase everything, but IVE steps forward with his hands out.

IVE W-wait, stop!

ZEN-OH What?

IVE You don’t have to erase all the universes to prevent it!

ZEN-OH What do you mean?

IVE Don’t you think it’d be unfair to all those living in those universes who aren’t even involved?  They just got brought back and they’d be disappearing again even though they have no control over what’s happening.  It would be...kinda mean, I think.

ZEN-OH Mean?

They lower their hands and think for a moment.

ZEN-OH …  Mmm…  Okay.  What should I do instead, then?

IVE There’s only a few people responsible for what’s happening.  If you get rid of them, the rest of the demons should be discouraged and call it off.

ZEN-OH Are you sure? …  Okay.  I’ll be right back.

Cut back to MAZAKA standing there grinning as the gods and GRAND PRIEST struggle to move.  Suddenly, ZEN-OH appears in front of her, and she’s startled.

MAZAKA W-what?!  How did you--?!

ZEN-OH lifts their hand and erases her, just like that.  The magic holding the gods and GRAND PRIEST disappears, and they all fall to their knees.  Cut to the Demon Realm, where ESTO and the three Demon Lords are also being erased.

UNNAMED DEMON SOLDIER Huh--?  Where’d they go?

SIRACHA can be seen hiding behind a rock.

SIRACHA Whoops.  Time to go.

He then disappears in a puff of smoke.  Cut to the portal closing up, and everyone’s confused.

UNNAMED DEMON SOLDIER What’s going on?  Aren’t we supposed to attack?

ZEN-OH appears before the armies in the Demon Realm, which scares everyone.

ZEN-OH Don’t pull this again or I’ll erase the entire Demon Realm.  Okay bye.

They disappear, leaving all the demons scared and speechless.  Cut to ZEN-OH reappearing with IVE and ENLIL.

ZEN-OH Okay, it’s done now.

They start to walk to their throne, but they stop and look at IVE for a second.

ZEN-OH You’re not a god, are you?

IVE N-no, not yet…

ZEN-OH You should be.

IVE blushes a little.  ENLIL places a hand on his shoulder.

ENLIL We should get you back home now.

IVE R-right.

Cut to later at MOJA’s place.  ROWHEA and IVE are just hanging out.  MOJA steps in after a moment.

MOJA Ive.

IVE Yes, Lord Moja?

MOJA It’s time.

Shot of IVE looking nervous, but somewhat excited.  Cut to MOJA, POLI, and IVE teleporting in to the white space where the gods gather.  All the other Gods of Destruction and their angels are there waiting on them.  GRAND PRIEST lowers to greet them.

GRAND PRIEST Ive.  Before we begin, I...owe you an apology.  My mind was clouded back then, and I realize it would have been a good idea to listen to you.  Once again, you made a good decision.

IVE smiles.  GRAND PRIEST claps his hands.

GRAND PRIEST Now, let us begin the ceremony.  Everyone, please gather ‘round.

The Gods of Destruction all gather around IVE and GRAND PRIEST in a circle.  God, I have to draw 26 gods, huh.  I have to draw the angels hanging back, too.  Anyway the gods begin to recite something in an ancient language that I’ll probably make up on the spot.  Some magical energy begins to surround IVE, and he starts to lift off the ground.  It fully envelops him for a moment as they continue chanting, and the GRAND PRIEST simply watches from above.  Soon, he is lowered back down, and the gods fall silent.  GRAND PRIEST holds his hands behind his back.

GRAND PRIEST Ive, you have now ascended to the ranks of the gods.  From this day forth, you will be known as the God of Destruction for Universe X.

IVE looks happily up at him, then turns to see MOJA smiling proudly and clapping along with the other gods.  Cut to them arriving back on MOJA’s planet.  ROWHEA runs up to them.

ROWHEA You’re back!  How was it?  How do you feel?

IVE It was great!  All the other gods were there for the ceremony.  It was really cool.  You would have liked it.

POLI and MOJA walk by them.

MOJA You two take a minute to celebrate while dinner gets prepared.

IVE and ROWHEA Okay!

MOJA looks over his shoulder at them before walking inside.  Cut to him walking into his chamber and going over to his nest bed thing, where he stands there and looks down.  He then sighs to himself.  Cut to IVE running into the kitchen, where POLI is cooking.

IVE Where’s Lord Moja?

POLI You should check his room.

IVE Okay.

IVE runs to MOJA’s room.

IVE Lord Moja?

He floats up to his nest bed and looks around curiously.  He then notices MOJA’s uniform resting in the nest.  MOJA is nowhere to be seen.  IVE gets closer and picks up the uniform, slowly realizing what’s happened.  He looks really sad suddenly.  POLI comes up behind him and places a hand on his shoulder.

IVE …  He...didn’t even say goodbye…

POLI You know him…  He was never one for sappy things.  But...he did want you to know he was very proud of you.  He knew you would become a great God of Destruction one day, and he was happy to know you proved him right.

IVE looks dejectedly at the uniform.  Cut to ROWHEA downstairs at the table already eating.  He sees IVE and POLI come in, and IVE is wearing the uniform instead of his usual bodysuit.

ROWHEA Hey, nice outfit!  You look like a real God of Destruction now!

He notices the look on IVE’s face.

ROWHEA …  Hey, why so blue?  Where’s Lord Moja?

IVE Lord Moja is...gone.

ROWHEA Huh?  Where’d he go?

POLI Otherworld.  There was no need for him to remain in this world any longer.  Ive is now in charge of his duties officially.

ROWHEA Oh, man…  I’m sorry, Ive…

IVE It’s...okay.  I think I expected this to happen.  He taught me everything he knew, so...I’ll be fine, I think.

POLI gives him a reassuring smile.  Cut to a shot of the sky outside of the castle.  IVE is sitting on a log looking over the forest surrounding it, and ROWHEA is there with him.  ROWHEA nudges him.

ROWHEA It’s pretty cool I get to be best friends with a god.

IVE Heh…  Yeah.

ROWHEA You’re gonna do great things, Ive.  I know it.  And Moja did, too.  I’m sure he left with confidence knowing you’d be here to take care of things for him.

IVE looks up at the sky.

ROWHEA This is the start of something really great.

Shot ends with a view of IVE and ROWHEA watching the sky together.

[tricksters-captain]

Helmut Zemo imagines - Hostage Part 2

AN: I’m so glad you guys liked the first chapter!! I’m sorry it’s taken longer than expected to get out!!

Summary: You were chosen as one of Karli’s elite. You became a super soldier to help your cause, make the world a better place but taking the serum came with a price. After being cornered one day, you’re taken by the famous Helmut Zemo to give him answers or face the consequences.

In This Chapter: You wake up to find Zemo has taken you hostage to find out information on the whereabouts of Karli Morgenthau. 

(PART 1 HERE)

Pairing(s): Zemo x Fem!Reader, Karli Morganthau x Platonic!Reader

Word Count: 1,721

Warnings: Spoilers for TFATWS, violence, strong language

Zemo caught the young woman’s body as her eyes rolled back. He couldn’t help but let out a grunt as he lifted her up over his shoulder to remove her from the sewers before her accomplice could catch up. 

As he returned to the surface, he peered around the surrounding streets and then carried her over to a parked car. 

He placed her down beside the vehicle as he worked on opening it and getting it started. 

Laying her across the backseat, he made sure he had another syringe handy in case she woke before reaching the desired destination. 

Zemo pulled inside the large building, one of the many he confidentially owned, and removed the flagsmasher from the vehicle before taking her down to the basement of the building. 

He took a moment to remove his large coat as he began to sweat, tossing the expensive garment on the ragged old couch in the corner of the room. 

He carried the girl to the shackles on the wall and stood her up long enough to get the cuffs around her wrists and the thick metal band around her neck. It was a precaution taken to stop her from kicking off the wall if trying to escape. 

Zemo tipped her head back to allow access for the band to wrap around her neck, clasping it on wall behind her. He contemplated removing the flagsmasher mask but ultimately decided it would be easier to gain information from the woman if he couldn’t see just how young she was. Was it wrong for him to admit that? Yes. But he knew it would keep it less personal this way. 

He chained the girl’s ankles together before wiping his brow with his handkerchief and returning to fetch his coat. He figured she may not wake for a while so returned upstairs to make sure the site was secure. 

--

Zemo was grateful when he finally noticed signs of the woman stirring. He had waited long enough to be able to get his hands on one of Karli’s acolytes. 

He introduced himself but you already knew who he was. 

“We have a few things I’d like to discuss first.” Zemo admitted. 

“Like what?” You scowled at the man. 

“Like the whereabouts of Karli Morgenthau.” Zemo pressed his hands together behind his back as he looked upon you. 

You scowled at the man with his mention of Karli. 

“Why would I tell you anything?” You scoffed. 

“Because if you don't, I will simply find the means to force you to.” Zemo’s eyes never left yours as he spoke. 

“Go ahead and try.” You daringly invited him despite the hard knot in your gut. If someone had told you that taking the serum meant being stuck in some freaky torture chamber with Helmut Zemo a few months ago, you weren’t so sure you would’ve taken it. 

Zemo was infamous both as an agent of Sokovia and for single handedly ripping the Avengers apart. 

“Are you really that willing to die for someone who doesn’t even know or care where you are?” Zemo frowned, tilting his head at you. You tried to deflect his mind games but there was a speck of doubt starting to crawl into your mind. 

“They’ll come for me.” You proclaimed. 

“Perhaps they will.” Zemo shrugged, “Perhaps they’ll willingly come to their deaths or perhaps they’ll leave you here to be a martyr for their cause.” 

“You can’t beat us all.” You argued against his threat. 

“On the contrary, I can.” Zemo lifted his finger, his lips turning up into a small smirk as he began to slowly move around the room. “I have experience, and patience. A man can do anything if he has those.”

You tried watching him through your mask that had become increasingly more uncomfortable the longer you wore it. 

You decided against fuelling the fire and remained silent. 

“What's the matter?” Zemo cocked his head towards you. “Cat got your tongue?”

Again, you chose not to respond. 

Zemo quietly scoffed as he started to approach you. 

“Holding your tongue, Miláčik, will not aid you in any way.”

Once he seemed close enough, you tried to jolt forward against your restraints but ultimately failed. 

You choked against the metal neckband and your wrists cried out against the cuffs. They had been much stronger than anything you had encountered before. 

“Vibranium.” Zemo gestured to your holds. “Very difficult to get hold of and very expensive.”

Zemo’s fingertips pressed together as he studied you. You were avoiding eye contact with the man but instead searching the room for any way to get out of your restraints. 

“There is no escape.” Zemo announced as he clocked your behaviour. “The only way you are leaving this place is if you give me the location of Karli and her comrades.” 

“I’ll be leaving this place in a bodybag you mean.” You spat back. 

“Well, that all depends on how long it takes for you to give me what I desire.” Zemo’s smirk dropped. He lifted his chin slightly, glowering at you. 

“Fuck you.” You sneered. Zemo didn’t react to the deprecation, his face cold and hard as he stared unblinking. 

You almost thanked the universe when Zemo’s phone began to rang. 

Zemo answered it swiftly, walking off to the furtherest corner of the basement to take the call to stop you eavesdropping in any way. 

You tried fighting the restraints on your ankles but they were just as strong as the holds on your wrists. You wondered how long Zemo had planned to take one of you hostage. You internally scolded yourself. You should have been more careful. 

“I have some business to take care of.” Zemo interrupted your thoughts as he pulled his mobile away from his ear. “If I were you I’d consider my options whilst I am away. Once I return, we shall be having a little conversation one way or another.” 

You felt an ice cold chill roll down your spine from Zemo's threat. His voice sent goosebumps over your skin and his eyes held enough power to kill you right there.

You watched Zemo climb the rickety staircase without a second glance back to you. 

Sweat began to roll down your forehead under your mask. You growled, rubbing it against your arm to try and remove the damn thing. It didn’t take too long before it was clattering against the floor and you felt like you could finally breathe again. 

You inhaled the damp air deeply and rested your head back against the wall. 

Your mind diverged back to Deedee, you hoped she had gotten out before Zemo could have done anything. You knew he’d take her out if she tried to help you, he only needed one of you alive for information. 

You closed your eyes to try and hone in your senses. You tried to listen for any hint that might tell you where you were. The building was eerily silent despite the howling wind from above; you figured there must be some kind of broken window or hole in the wall causing the whistle. From the state of the room around you, you could tell this was an older building, vacated for a while. 

You couldn’t hear any cars, planes or voices. You had to be somewhere pretty secluded from the rest of the city.

Your eyes snapped open when you heard the latch of the door at the top of the stairs. 

Zemo’s footsteps were heavy as he descended back down to you. 

Your eyes found his hands as he rolled his sleeves up to just below his elbows. 

“Are you ready to talk?” He asked. When he lifted his head from his arms back to you, he froze in his step. Not that you noticed. 

His mouth closed and his jaw seized as his eyes absorbed your features. 

He hadn't expected you to have removed the mask. He recognised you from the mugshots but you looked very different in person. 

You were young, with soft features and your eyes were narrow with vexation. You were also very beautiful. He couldn’t deny that. 

He had to drop his eyes back to his sleeves when he felt an odd familiarity about you begin to impel. 

“What happened to the other woman I was with?” You asked, taking a minute before responding to the man. 

“She left you.” Zemo announced. You felt a wave of relief, realising that she escaped unharmed. 

You watched the man turn his back on you, approaching the small metal cart to his left and picking up a small scalpel. He examined it as he spoke. 

“This isn’t personal.” Zemo muttered. “I have no quarrel with what you are trying to do. It’s how you have decided to do it. Super soldiers should not be allowed to exist. I have spent years trying to end the super soldier line and I won’t stop until my work is finished.” 

“Until we are all dead.” You corrected him. 

“Not all.” Zemo shook his head. “You may still have a chance of survival after all this.” 

“To live whilst the people I care for are dead? That isn’t a chance I want to take.” 

“You may care for them but I am certain they don’t care for you. Your so-called comrade left you alone in the tunnels despite your cries about trouble. Your death means nothing to them.” Zemo finally looked back at you. “You were a sacrifice they were willing to make.” 

You were hesitant to answer. You knew Deedee had only left because you had commanded her to. The team must all be sat around now wondering where you were, wondering how to get you back and if you are still alive. They wouldn’t just leave you. Karli wouldn’t leave you. 

“How can you expect me to give up any information if I know you’re just going to murder them if you find them?” You catechised Zemo. 

“Murder is a strong word. Would you say you murdered those innocent people in Vilnius?” Zemo’s mention of Vilnius made your stomach twist tighter. Nausea began to creep up on you and Zemo noticed the paling of your complexion. “Everybody has a breaking point. We just have to find yours.”

AN: NEW PART NEXT WEEK! Ask to be added to the taglist to keep up to date with all new parts!

Taglist  

@cathrin2405 @serenityfirefly97 @shannon-posts @dxnxdjarxn @hiddlepiddlediddlewiddle @trelaney  @sierrabaltzer  @daydreamer-in-training @e-barba @ornella0910 @natty13 @bry-97 @cherieweasley @kermuddgen @madelyn-barnes @jaxcliffaconda @candicerace @mo320 @takacsgram @hiccup005 @viviace @fillechatoyante @sapphiredreamer26 @misssilencewritewell @caligrl1992 @bbakugaan03 

[rohad93]

Moonlit Masquerade: Shades of Autumn

Luz is early today. She’d been getting to school earlier and earlier as the weeks have worn on.

She always has been an early riser, just not an early to do anything after she got up, person. More content to lay in bed, enjoying the quiet of the morning till her alarm actually went off and she was forced to get up.

But Amity gets to school early, so Luz does too, of course.

Any extra time spent with her paramour Is enough to get her moving, even at the crack of dawn.

The air is cool and crisp with the onset of fall. The trees have begun to change color, though to her it’s strange to see because the foliage in the Isles is already such varying shades aside from the green she’s used to, the only way she can really tell is because the ones she sees every day outside the owl house or on the way to school have begun to change hue and flake off the branches. Greens are turning red and brown while the reds wilt into bright yellows. The woods are a rainbow of hues; she likes it.

Even if it is a constant reminder.

She takes a deep breath of the cool air and grins as she jogs towards the school, some fallen leaves crunching under her steps.

As she runs up the path to Hexside she quickly spots her girlfriend’s head of mint green hair near the steps, she grins and makes a beeline straight for her.

She’s talking to Gus and Willow who are apparently also early today.

“Hey, guys!” She smiles brightly as she comes to a skidding halt in front of them.

Hey, Luz.“ Gus and Willow grin and wave.

“Buenos dìas, mi amor.” She nudges Amity with her hip, who pinks a little but smiles at her tenderly. She’s spent enough time with Luz over the last month and a half to have started picking up some Spanish and it’s only when Luz starts her rapid, spitfire rambling in the language that she gets hopelessly lost, but she’s trying. She wants to learn, for Luz and for herself. She’d like to be able to say whatever she wants to her without fear of people overhearing things they shouldn’t.

It’s slow work, but Luz is all too happy to help her learn, even when she giggles at the stilted, choppy way Amity says things. Rolling her ‘R’s is another thing she’s having difficulty with.

She may have also managed to get a hold of a handy little Spanish to English dictionary, courtesy of Eda, from her pile of human trash. She’s been studying it in her spare time, hoping to surprise her girlfriend with things she hasn’t yet taught her.

“Morning…” She hesitates, hoping she’s not going to butcher this, “querida.”

Luz chokes on her own spit as her face turns red and Amity feels rather proud of herself, having brought her chatty girlfriend to stupefied silence.

“What’s going on?” Gus whispers to Willow who just smiles.

They’ve become pretty accustomed to Luz and Amity’s somewhat new dynamic since they started dating and all the strange, sometimes hard to follow conversations the two have. Though without any context Willow thinks she knows what’s going on.

She’s also picked up a little of Luz’s other language, and while she doesn’t know ‘amor’ or ‘querida’ the faces the two make tells her all she needs to know about the nature of these words and she rolls her eyes at the couple.

“They’re just being sappy, don’t worry about it.

“Oh…” Gus nods.

“Where did you learn that?” Luz finally sputters, still red-faced, and Amity grins, and maybe it’s a Blight sibling thing, but she winks and Luz feels like she might just melt into a puddle of human goo. She only thought she got flustered whenever one of the twins winked at her, this was a whole nother level entirely.

“If you two are done…,“ Willow started, drawing the couples embarrassed gazes. “I heard the Autumn festival is going to be in town this weekend, we should all go.”

“Yeah!” Luz quickly agreed before stopping. “What’s The Autumn festival?” she asks and Willow laughs while Amity can only roll her eyes fondly.

“It’s like a carnival but with autumn-themed food and games and all kinds of fun stuff,” Gus explains, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet and Luz joins him in excited fidgeting.

“Count me in!” Luz pumps a fist before turning to look at her girlfriend imploringly. Amity’s lips twitch at the large, pleading eyes now turned on her. Luz is the only one with this kind of power over her. Not that she would have turned down the opportunity to spend an afternoon with her and their friends.

“Sounds like fun,” she agreed.

Luz and Gus cheer, high-fiving while Amity and Willow share a look.

They talked a little while longer before the bell rang and they all had to make their way to class.

It was Thursday, and Luz had Bard and Oracle track classes today, so she bid farewell to her friends as she and Amity walked down another hall. Abominations were only one hall down from the bard hall.

When they stopped in front of the entrance to the bard’s hall Amity grabbed her arm.

“I won’t be able to meet you today, my mom wants me to come straight home after school.” She frowned and Luz resisted the urge to pout, she knew Amity didn’t like it anymore then she did so she simply nodded.

“It’s okay, I’ll see you tomorrow and I’ll message you tonight.” She smiled and Amity’s frown vanished in the face of it. She wanted very badly to close the short distance between them and lay a quick kiss on her mouth but there were students all around them, though none close enough to hear them.

“I’ll be waiting for it, querida.” she grinned as she walked away from her again short-circuiting girlfriend.

~ ~ ~

Luz was worried

She’d waited until sometime after dinner before sending Amity a message on her scroll as she laid in bed. Usually, Amity replied within a few minutes.

She’d waited a few hours, checking her scroll periodically, eventually feeling antsy and moving about the house.

Eda and Lilith seemed to pick up on her behavior pretty quickly as she wandered around the kitchen and living room, frowning.

“Is something the matter, Luz?” Lilith was the first to ask.

“Hmm, Amity hasn’t messaged me back yet and it’s been four hours…,” she mumbled, plopping down on the floor, opposite the couch where the sisters were sitting.’

“That’s it? Your girlfriend hasn’t messaged you back yet?” Eda cocked a brow. “You were wandering around here looking like someone was being murdered.” She crossed her arms.

“You don’t understand, Eda!” She threw up her hands. “She’s never not responded to me before… and her mom wanted her to come home right after school today… I’m worried.” She glanced down at her still silent scroll.

The women shared a look before turning back to Luz.

“I’m sure it’s gonna be okay, kid. If her mom wanted her home it must have been for something, she’s just busy.” Eda tried to comfort her apprentice.

“Surely if something were wrong she would have messaged you first,” Lilith followed up.

“Yeah, kids head over heels for you. If she needed you, she’d let you know.”

“Hmm, I guess…,” Luz grumbled.

Eda frowned at the glum look on her kid’s face and stood.

“Come on Luz, let’s go get ice screams,” she said, ruffling the girl’s head as she walked over to the door.

A tiny smile pulled at her lips at what she knew Eda was trying to do. They were probably right, Amity had a tighter schedule than most adults she knew, she was probably just busy.

“Okay” She hopped up to join Eda at the door.

“King, let’s go, we’re getting Ice screams!” she yelled, and upstairs a loud squeal of excitement echoed back. “You too, Lilly.” Eda jerked her head.

“Very well.”

~ ~ ~

Luz was very worried now as she walked quickly to school.

Amity had never returned her message and according to the little text next to it, she had never even read it.

That was not like her and it made Luz’s stomach tight with worry.

She shot right out of the house as soon as she had gotten dressed when she’d checked her scroll to still see no sign of Amity.

Students were milling about the front of the building. If she wanted to avoid people Amity would get to school just before the bell rang so she could use it as an excuse. She’s done it a couple of times since they started dating, though never to Luz.

Just as she predicted, she could see her girlfriends bright green head as she walked toward Hexside’s main steps.

“Amity!”

She froze stiff at the call, but she didn’t look like she was going to try and run.

“Hey! I was worried about you, you never messaged me back last night.” She stopped at Amity’s side so their conversation was hushed as kids walked by them.

“Sorry, Luz… I got busy last night, I didn’t mean to worry you…” She turned to look at her with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

Luz noticed it immediately.

Amity’s hair was a bright new shade of mint and the auburn roots Luz adored were gone, now the same shade as the rest of her hair.

“Your hair…,” Luz mumbled and Amity clutched her books tighter to her chest. She knew Luz would notice right away. She didn’t know why she thought she could avoid this.

Luz pursed her lips as she looked at the uniform color and remembered what Amity had told her about it. She’d held her tongue before about the subject, but this clearly caused her girlfriend distress if the way her hunched shoulders and the way she couldn’t meet Luz’s eyes meant anything.

“Did your mom make you re-dye your hair last night?” She knew she hit the nail on the head because as soon as the sentence left her mouth Amity flinched, hunkering in even further.

“Yes,” she answered after a long moment, just as the bell rang. “I gotta go.” She tried to walk away but Luz grabbed her shoulder.

“Amity, wait…”

“I really don’t want to talk about this right now, Luz.” She pulled away and ran inside leaving Luz to watch her go from the bottom of the steps with a frown.

Her stomach was churning with worry for Amity and anger at her girlfriend’s mother. She’d never met Mrs. Blight, but she knew already without a doubt, she didn’t like her.

~ ~ ~

Amity could hardly pay attention to her classes. She was mad at herself.

She knew eventually her roots were going to reach a point where her mother was going to ‘suggest’ that she fix it. She knew by the length that the time was approaching and she should have told Luz about it, knowing that she would notice right away and that she knew her and her mother’s… secret agreement, if that was what she wanted to call it. Amity sniffed at that.

Even Ed and Em didn’t know why she colored her hair, they’d teased her mercilessly about it after the first time, saying that if she wanted to be like them she’d have to try harder then that.

Hell, she wasn’t sure her father even knew. Having inherited her warm auburn hair from him, he’d seemed a little disappointed after the first time her mother had ‘asked’ her to color it, in that cloying sweet way that meant she wasn’t really asking.

She sighed to herself, she hadn’t meant to ignore Luz last night, but having her hair recolored had put her in a very bad mood and she didn’t think she’d have been good company.

Then this morning… she groaned quietly.

Of course, Luz would be able to put two and two together and see that she was upset. She always was the first couple of days after having her hair fixed. She really shouldn’t have blown her off though. She would send her a message later, apologizing.

There wasn’t much she could do about her hair. She wished she could just let it be the color it was; It frustrated her.

When class mercifully ended she took her time gathering her things. She knew in the back of her mind it was just to avoid Luz, even though she really wanted to see her.

After last night she just wanted to let her girlfriend hold her. She was always happiest and at peace whenever the human wrapped her arms around her and let her just bury her face into her neck.

But Luz also asked too many questions and felt righteous, indignant anger for others much too strong to simply ignore this, it was one of the things Amity loved about her. She cared so much, but this was something beyond her, and Amity needed to find a way to explain it to her so she would let it go.  

Luz thought the emperor was tough? She’d never met Odalia Blight and if Amity had her way, she never would.

She was walking down the quiet empty halls tiredly when a classroom door swung open and someone grabbed her pulling her inside. She didn’t even have time to cry out as the door shut and she was standing in the middle of an empty classroom.

“It’s just me!” Luz quickly soothed her panic.

“Luz!” Amity hissed. “What are you doing?” She held a hand to her chest over her rapidly beating heart.

“Sorry, I was waiting for you.”

“You could have just waited outside for me…,” Amity grumbled.

“So you could take off running the second you saw me?” Luz frowned, not glaring but it was a very stern look that made Amity frown guiltily.

“I’m sorry…,” she mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry, just talk to me, Amity” Luz pleaded. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me, amor”

“You can’t help with this, Luz.” she shook her head, looking at the floor. “This is just… something I have to do… I know you want to help but you can’t. So please, can you just forget about it?”

“No!” Luz flings out her arms. “How can I just ignore it when it makes you like this?!” Luz can’t understand why Amity just can’t talk to her about this.

Maybe she can’t do anything, but she’s there for Amity to lean on even when she needs her, when she’s hurting, even when they can’t do anything about it.

She doesn’t have to shove it all down and pretend she’s not bothered when she clearly is.

Frustration is bubbling up in Amity’s stomach like a boiling cauldron. Why can’t Luz understand that this is just something she has to do?

“It’s just hair, Luz!” She’s not shouting but it’s much louder than it needs to be.

“If it was just about hair then you wouldn’t be so upset and miserable about it!” Luz’s tone also raises. “You wouldn’t be hiding from me!”

“It doesn’t matter, I have to do this, you don’t know what my mother is like!” she is yelling now.

"I would if you would just explain it to me!” She shouts back, just as loud.

Amity turns away from her, shaking. She hates this, hates how angry she is, hates her mother, and that Luz can’t just let this go. Just this once, she wished she didn’t care so much.  

Luz frowns. This wasn’t at all how she had wanted this to go. She takes a breath, calming herself.

“Hey, it’s okay… maybe I don’t get it…” Luz starts quietly and reaches out a hand towards Amity’s shaking shoulder. “But my mom…”

Amity is just so frustrated by everything she spins around to face her surprised girlfriend and snaps:

“Stop, your right, you don’t get it and your mom isn’t here!“

Brown eyes go wide and the hurt couldn’t be clearer.

Just like that, all her frustration drains out of her and she wants nothing more than to take the words back, pull them back and swallow the vile things before they leave her mouth, but she can’t. They’re out there now and she has to live with that.

Live with the deafening silence that fills the empty classroom as she and Luz stare back at each other with wide eyes, gold filled with horror and brown with shock and hurt

Her stomach drops into her feet as Luz’s lips begin to tremble and her eyes turn glassy.

She wants to say something, anything, but for the life of her, she can’t get her mouth to form the words.

Luz bursts, choking on a sob before she turns and runs, wrenching the door open. It slams against the wall, the bang echoing through the room as she flees down the hall.

"Luz!” Amity calls finally able to make her body respond and she runs after her, but Luz is fast, much faster then Amity realized as she bursts out of the schools front doors in time to see the other girl vanishing into the woods at the edge of the school grounds, she stops at the bottom of the steps, helplessly watching her girlfriend disappear from sight amid the trees.

“Amity!?” She looks to see Gus and Willow, standing at the edge of the steps looking at her with concerned faces. No doubt they had seen Luz run by sobbing.

“What happened!?” Willow asks.

“What did you do!?” Gus accuses, pointing a finger at her and glaring.

‘I…” she stammers, then bites her lip and after a long minute trying to form coherent thoughts, she slowly explains what happened. The two friends’ faces change from shock to outrage and alarm by the time she’s done.

“Why would you say that?!” Willow is all but shouting at her as Gus crosses his arms and glares as if she didn’t already feel bad about what she’d said to Luz.

“I don’t know!” she wails. “It was stupid and cruel and I don’t know! I didn’t mean to, I was just frustrated, she wouldn’t drop it and it just came out…” She buried her face in her hands miserably.

Willow is pinching the bridge of her nose beneath her glasses. She knows what she’s about to say is going to make Amity feel so much worse, but it needs to be said.

“You don’t know how cruel…,” she starts and Amity is looking at her with worried eyes at the miserable tone of her voice. “Summer is over Amity, Luz was supposed to go home almost two weeks ago…,” she trails off and Amity’s mind shifts gears, spinning into overdrive as she takes in the meaning of those words, understanding slapping her in the face.

“Oh… oh, Titan, no!” She covers her mouth with her hands but the horror In her eyes is clear. In the midst of the cloudy haze of their blossoming relationship, Amity had lost track of the days.

Somewhere in the human world, a mother is desperately searching for her missing daughter and Luz knows this, Amity, Willow, and Gus know this, and Amity had only, no matter how unintentionally, dug the knife in deeper.

Her knees are on the verge of giving out and she drops on the bottom step before they can buckle of their own accord.

“Why am I so terrible!” Amity shouts, reaching up to pull at her hair, shame is the only thing she can feel and it makes bile threaten to rise up her throat; she thinks she’s about to be sick as water pools in the corners of her eyes.

Willow sighs and kneels down on the ground in front of her, thinking about what to say.

“You’re not terrible, Amity,” she said slowly. “I know you didn’t mean it and I’m sure Luz knows it to…”

“I hurt her…” Amity whimpers, and she’s never been so disappointed in herself as she is at this moment, knowing that she’s hurt the one person she cares about more than anything.

Willow and Gus share a look before turning back to the girl cracking too pieces in front of them.

“You can still fix this, Amity.” Willow reaches up and lays a comforting hand on the trembling girl’s shoulder. “You need to talk to her, now.” Willow impresses the urgency upon her.

She nods, wiping away the tears that are threatening to fall and she stands.

“I gotta go…” she takes off toward the owl house without another word.

When she’s finally standing in front of the house she’s panting, having run all the way.

She takes a moment to get her breath back before walking up to knock on the door. Hooty is strangely quiet as he looks at her from his place in the door.

After a moment it opens and the owl lady is standing there looking at her with a frown.

“Is Luz here? she asks, trying not to cower as Eda looks down at her.

Eda simply regards her for another few seconds before saying anything.

“Yeah, ran through here crying. Your doing, I take it?” It’s not really a question.

“Can I talk to her…, please?” She’ll beg if she has to. She has to make this right.

Eda continues to stare at her for the longest few seconds of Amity’s life before she steps aside and Amity shoots through the door and up the stairs, not even acknowledging King or Lilith sitting on the couch.

Luz’s door is closed but she can hear her quiet muffled crying through the door and it tears at her heart. She lifts her hand to knock but hesitates, and swallows, but her mouth is dry.

Finally, she taps on the door and the cries quiet.

“Not now, Eda…” her voice is quiet and it cracks. Amity takes hold of the handle, gripping it tightly before pushing it open.

It’s dim in the room, stray beams of light are streaming through the drawn curtains, just enough that she can see.

Luz is curled up on her bed, facing away from her.

She must have heard the door open.

“I just wanna be alone, Eda,” she choked quietly.

Amity licks her dry lips.

“Luz”

The girl goes still before her cries pick up again, though she’s trying to muffle them.

Amity’s feet are heavy as she walks across the room, but hesitates at the bedside, not sure what to do with herself.

Finally, she settles for kneeling on the floor, so her face is level with Luz, hands holding onto the edge of the mattress. The old, worn wood bites into her knees but she ignores it.

“Luz…, I am so sorry,” she finally says. “I didn’t mean to say that… or to yell at you… I was just frustrated and I know that’s no excuse for it, I just…” she chokes back her own tears. “I’m sorry, I’m just so sorry.” It’s all she can say as she stares at her girlfriend’s quaking back, tears dripping down her cheeks. Her head drops and she clenches her eyes shut as more tears fall, dripping off her chin to the floor, leaving little wet circles in the dry wood.

She stays right there for several long minutes before the bed shifts and she looks up.

Luz has rolled over to face her, staring back at her with wet, red-rimmed eyes.

She’s still crying as she holds up an arm and Amity stares back at her with wide eyes.

“C'mere,” she croaks and Amity scrambles into the bed, wedging one of her arms between Luz and the mattress to squeeze her close, burying her face into her chest.

Luz’s grip on her is just as tight as she nuzzles her face into bright green hair.

They just lay there for a while as their tears slow, eyes closed

They don’t hear the Clawthorne sisters outside the door.

“Edalyn!” Lilith hisses as she follows her sister down the hall to Luz’s room. “Do you honestly think they’re in there making out again?!” She asks with quiet outrage.

“After last week I’m just checking!” she hisses back. “They know the rules, door open!” she says quietly.

Lilith rolls her eyes, scowling. “Luz was in tears!”

“I know. Do you know how many crying people I’ve 'comforted’?” The younger finger quotes and Lilith’s scowl only intensifies; for multiple reasons.

“Do you really think so lowly of Amity?” she growls.

“No, of course not, but I need to check on my kid!” Eda growls, looking at Lilith over her shoulder. The elder only frowns but says nothing else.

She’s silent when she turns the door handle and opens it just a couple of inches to peek inside. the first thing she sees of course is the two teenagers curled up together on the bed, and she’s just about to throw the door open when she hears it.

Crying.

Both of them are huddled together on the bed crying.

She closes the door as silently as she opened it and backs away.

“Well?” Lilith asks lowly and Eda just shakes her head.

“Leave 'em be,” she says as they walk back down the hall.

When the crying has stopped the two are just laying there quietly, absorbing each other’s warmth, still sniffling on occasion as Luz runs her fingers through Amity’s hair while the other clenches and unclenches her hands in the fabric of Luz’s shirt.

Finally, Amity finds the will to speak.

“I lost track of the days…,” she starts quietly. “I completely forgot when you were supposed to go back…”

Luz hums.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Amity finally finds the courage to ask.

Luz just shrugs, frowning into Amity’s hair.

“I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I especially didn’t want you to worry about me. Worrying about it isn’t going to fix it…,” she trails off.

Amity makes a frustrated sound in her throat and pulls back just enough so they can look at each other. Both their eyes are red and puffy.

“That’s not how this works, Luz! I’m going to worry about you whether you want me to or not, that’s how love works!” She’s more than aware of the hypocrisy of her words as they come out of her mouth, but more so as those deep brown eyes lock with hers, but she goes on. “I want to be there for you, even if I can’t do anything, I want you to be able to lean on me.”

“Then why won’t you let me be there for you?” she shoots back and Amity flinches. The words hold no anger, just sad confusion.

“I…,” Amity sighs. She’s been thinking about this too and has finally come to the answer. “I don’t know how…” her voice is so soft Luz barely hears it. “I’m a Blight… I’m not supposed to need anyone. I should be strong enough on my own.” She closes her eyes, unable to stare into Luz’s any longer, she can’t bear whatever she might find there.

“That’s stupid.”

Her eyes shoot open to look at Luz, who is frowning. She looks angry but Amity realizes it’s not directed at her as she presses her forehead against hers.

“Everyone needs help sometimes, no matter what their name is, and… we’re supposed to be there to help each other, no matter what, that’s what this is.” Her grip on Amity tightens. “Like you said, that’s what love is. Us against the world, but you have to let me, Amity.” Her voice is thick with raw emotion.

Luz is getting blurry as tears fill Amity’s eyes again and her fingers dig into Luz’s shirt in a death grip. Luz is smiling at her sadly as they begin to drip down her cheeks to the bed. She nods shakily.

“I know…,” she hiccups.

“You said I don’t understand. So explain it to me,” she breathes, and Amity sniffles. “Please, mi amor. Tell me.” Luz whispers.

So she does.

They lay there a long time, so long, the sunlight in the room disappears, casting the room in darkness as Amity explains exactly what it’s like growing up in Blight Manor, with parents that are too busy most of the time to even remember they have children unless it’s convenient to them. With a distant father who is usually too busy to spend time with his family or know what is going on and a mother who when she has the time, uses it to try and sculpt all her children into perfectly painted figurines for her to display to their friends and acquaintances at parties.

Nevermind that the paint just hides the many chips and cracks beneath.

Luz only holds her all the tighter the longer they lay there and her heart aches the more Amity speaks as she realizes that Willow and green hair dye are only the tip of an iceberg lodged in her girlfriend’s heart.

“Oh, Amity,” Luz breathes, holding her as tight as she can without crushing her. “I’m sorry,” she finally says when Amity is finished. “I should have left it alone…”

Amity shakes her head

“No…, I should have talked to you about this instead of just trying to ignore it,” she sighs “I know you, Luz. I know how much you care and want to help… I love that about you… I guess part of me just didn’t want you to know what a mess I am,” she mumbles, gold eyes sliding to look anywhere but Luz. She squeaks as Luz’s grip on her becomes crushing.

“You’re not!” she growls, anger burns in her belly like she’s swallowed fire. She’s never felt such intense hatred before as she feels at Amity’s mom right now. “You’re amazing and I love you so much.” She squeezes harder still. “And what your parents do isn’t your fault,” she asserts.

“Luz, too tight…,” Amity squeaks.

“Sorry, sorry!” Luz smiles sheepishly and relaxes her death grip on Amity, who can finally take a full breath. “Really, though. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed. When you tell me to leave something alone I need to listen…,” she says with a frown, which makes Amity frown.

She draws her hands back from around Luz’s back and wedges them between them to wrap her fingers around her neck, thumbs brushing her cheeks.

“And I need to learn that I can rely on you, no matter what,” she says and Luz smiles, making her own lips pull up.

“Always, mi amor.” she affirms, leaning into Amity’s touch.

Amity closes the incrementally small distance between the two to press a soft kiss to her girlfriend’s smiling mouth.

When she releases her she sighs happily but exhausted.

“We’ve been here a long time… you probably need to get home.” Luz frowns, not at all happy about having to send Amity home now that she knows exactly what that home is like.

The twins can only help so much, they too are just teenagers in the same boat as their sister, even though it seems to Luz that shielding Amity from as much as they can is their priority; for which she could never be more grateful.

Thankfully Amity just shakes her head.

“They left for the weekend this morning… it’s just Ed and Em at home,” she says.

“Then stay,” Luz says without even having to think about it.

Amity jerks up to look at her, eyes blown wide and cheeks pinking.

“I… don’t think Eda will be okay with that after what happened last week” the pink turns red.

“She will if I explain It to her…,” she says. Amity looks unsure of that. “We need adults in our corner, even if they’re both wanted criminals.” She grins and Amity can’t help but giggle at her. Even when it’s dark, Luz has a way of lighting up her world.

“Okay” she moves to sit up but Luz pushes her back down with a hand on her shoulder.

“You stay here, I can do it, amor,” Luz assures her. Amity wants to argue, but she feels drained after explaining it all to Luz, so she just nods.

Luz pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth and crawls off the bed, moving to the door.

Amity bites her lip before calling out.

“Hurry back, querida.”

Luz freezes and Amity grins, knowing even without being able to see her face as it’s turned away and dark that Luz is blushing.

After a second she just looks over her shoulder and smiles.

“Siempre volveré a ti, mi amor.” She says before opening the door and disappearing down the hall, leaving Amity confused but flustered.

She pulls out her scroll and calls her sister who picks up on the second ring.

“Mittens, are you okay, where are you?” She sounds worried and Amity feels a little guilty about that.

“I’m fine, Em. I’m at Luz's…”

“Oooh, and what are you two up to I wonder…?” she says with a knowing lilt, but she does not have the energy to be angry at her older sisters teasing.

“Emira…” the tired and almost sad way she says her sister’s name makes the sound on the other end go quiet for a moment.

“What’s wrong?” Emira sounds serious now, and with a weary sigh she explains the last few hours to the twins after Emira has put her scroll on speaker, which includes finally telling the twins why she’s been dying her hair green for years; they don’t like it. Not one bit.

After about twenty minutes Luz peeks her head in the bedroom door and seeing her on her scroll, gives her a thumbs-up as she walks quietly into the room to sit on the end of the bed.

“Titan, Amity…” she hears her brother say quietly.

“I’m going to stay with Luz tonight, I’ll be back in the morning and we can talk about it later,” she says before he or Emira can say anything else.

There’s a long moment of silence and Amity can just see the two of them, looking at each other having one of the silent conversations they’re famous for.

“Alright, we’ll see you tomorrow. We love you!” The two chorus at the end and Amity rolls here eyes, but smiles.

“I love you too.” The scroll beeps as the call ends and Luz reaches out to grab her hand and squeezes reassuringly.

“Eda said we’re good to go for tonight and that dinner is ready.”

It isn’t until she says this that Amity realizes how absolutely starving she is.

“That sounds nice.” She nods.

Luz grins and leads her downstairs, hand still threaded through hers.

Eda looks up as they walk into the kitchen.

“Have a seat, kids.” She motions to the table where Lilith and King are already sitting, waiting.

They do, and they all smile, and for once Amity is glad that Lilith is here.

Maybe she hasn’t forgiven her yet, but she’s trying, and after all this talk about her mother, she’s glad for anyone else.

She gives Lilith a small smile and the woman seems surprised, but it’s quickly replaced with a reassuring look.

When dinner finished and everything is cleaned up, Amity insists on helping, the two head for the stairs only to be stopped by Eda, poking her head out of the kitchen to look at the two as they start up the stairs.

“Luz” her mentor calls, and they both turn back to look at her.

“You two can sleep up there, but that door stays open, no funny business, or this is the last time anyone stays here; got it?” They both turn bright red but Luz nods.

“No funny business,” she squeaks. she’s not going to even attempt to argue that nothing is going to happen, she just agrees; not willing to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Good. Night, kids.” Eda grins and the two hurry up the stairs, mumbling to each other and faces red.

[afishandatree]

Days Fade (and nights grow)

Poison is struggling with being the face of the Killjoys, Ghoul distracts him and they draw each other.

Pointless melodrama and fluff.

[ Teen rated on Ao3, fair warning there is some implied stuff but it doesn’t actually happen]

The sun is just beginning to set in the zones, letting the marginally cooler night air ruffle through Poison’s hair as he leans on the 'am.

It’s strange, watching the sunset. He feels like it shouldn’t look the same anymore, but there it is. So much has changed since his biggest concern was going on a run alone and falling in love with his friend. There’s so much more at stake. He’s not the young rebel with nothing to lose anymore. He’s Party Poison, leader of the Fabulous Killjoys, the very face of the fight against BLI. He’s the protector of their best-kept secret: the small sleeping figure under thin blankets on a diner booth. Thank Destroya for Jet, he’s not sure any of them would be able to keep her happy or healthy without him. Alive, yes. Just not in the ways that count. It’s all too much for him sometimes. He’s just waiting for that moment, where he can’t take it, where he slips up, where it all ends like everyone says it will. Bloody. Caught in a firefight, when it all goes wrong.

Poison squeezes his eyes shut as if it will block out that train of thought. It doesn’t work. It feels like his jacket is suffocating him; like he’s overheating and can't get enough oxygen even in the cool night air. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to shoulder all of it. It’s so much for one person, too much too much toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoo-

“ Pois’? You out here?”

Oh. there’s another thing that’s changed. Party’s not alone anymore. Not that he was before, but it’s hard to bare your soul when one vital piece is missing. When you aren’t sure if you’re allowed it. Now, he has nothing to hide. He has his detonator. He has Ghoul. The way Ghoul’s had him for a long, long time.

Taking a moment to steady his breathing, Poison calls out to him,

“ Over here”

He hears the crunching of sand and asphalt and hears a small thump on the ground before feeling a familiar warmth next to him. In moments like this, Party isn’t Party Poison anymore. He’s him. He’s Ghoul’s. Then he’s guilty that he doesn’t want it to end.

“ it’s pretty, ain’t it?” asks Ghoul, and from Party’s peripheral, he sees him tilting his head towards the sunset while looking at him.

“ why, you compeatin’ or something?” cracks Party, smirking and turning to face Ghoul and, oh, the sly bastard. He’s wearing Poison’s shirt. If it still counts as a shirt if there are no sleeves. Or sides. Not one to let his composure slip, he traces his fingers along the tattoos on the other’s ribs, and a couple of bruises (that may or may not have been his doing) and smirks at him.

Ghoul cracks a smile and lets out a shaky breath. And damn, Poison needs to get out of his head, because Ghoul is a vision in the desert sunset. He itches for a time before all of this, when he could capture this moment in a photograph, or how he could paint the colours that bathe his lover’s face. He’s spoken to Ghoul about that before, and the conversation ended with Ghoul tackling him into a kiss. He had a little trouble walking the next day but, Destroya, was it ever worth it.

“ C’mon Pois’ I could practically hear you thinking from inside, what’s wrong?” asks Ghoul, sliding his palms against the warm metal of the car.

Poison sighs and lets his entire body relax into Ghoul.

“you know.”

And Ghoul does know. Somehow, he’s able to know when Party needs a distraction or a conversation, or when he needs to be reckless and stupid and blow things up. So, naturally, when Party gets like this, he knows why. He wraps his arms tightly around him and nuzzles his face into his hair.

“ Jet and Kobes finally got her to sleep. She was worried about you.” He runs his fingers through Party’s hair and laughs a little when his hand comes off slightly redder than before. “Which reminds me,” he adds, letting go of Party to pick up a small book and box from the ground, “ she wanted you to use this.

Party accepts the box from Ghoul’s calloused hands and smiles.

“Crayons?”

“Yep.”

“ Well Ghoulie, would ya be my model?” says Party, smirking, and he throws in an obvious wink just for the fun of it.

“ Only if I can do you too, Cherry Bomb,” agrees Ghoul, seemingly before realizing what he said, and they dissolve into laughter.

Party throws the red crayon and hits Ghoul right between the eyes.

“ Alright Sugar, cool it, I can’t draw ya if you’re movin’.”

“ ‘m sorry,”

They lapse into silence, as they study each others’ faces in the dimming light of the sunset, with no noise but the desert air, waxy scratching of crayons and the metallic creaking of the ‘Am. For the first time in a while, Poison doesn’t think. He just follows the colours in his hands, tracing the face of the man he loves onto the page, and loses himself in it. It’s a bit strange to be drawing someone else drawing, but Ghoul makes it work. Once Party’s finally satisfied, he smiles up at the other man, who seems to have long finished his drawing.

“ Done.” declares Poison, making grabby hands towards Ghoul, “lemme see the masterpiece”

His partner turns his paper around, snapping it back and forth. Ghoul’s drawing is, well, crude. It’s a caricature of Poison, barely recognizable but for the flaming red hair and the bright blue of his jacket. In a messy scrawl along the top of the page, “ sorry, you’re too pretty to draw. XoxoGhoulie.” a small cherry with a fuse instead of a stem is drawn beside it, and honestly looks much better than the main drawing.

Ghoul hands the drawing to Poison, smiling sheepishly, before ducking his head and chuckling softly.

“ ‘s not real good, but-”

“I love it.”

Ghoul rolls his eyes, as Party leans in and places a kiss on his cheek.

“ Alright, alright, your turn now,” he laughs, lightly pushing him away.

Ever the artist, Party’s drawing of Ghoul is much better. He tried to capture the sunset on his face, the rose gold light reflection on his hair and in his eyes. He tries to see it like Ghoul would, the way he didn’t quite capture the colour of his eyes, or how the drawing doesn’t quite match how symmetrical his face is, or how the tattoos aren’t sitting quite right, or-

“you see me like this?” asks Ghoul quietly, his eyebrows creasing slightly.

Party doesn’t have time to worry before he’s being tackled to the hood of the car and kissed senseless. Ghoul pulls back, breathless, and leans to whisper softly into his ear, warm breath sending shivers down his spine.

“ It’s beautiful.” another kiss, “ you’re beautiful.”

Party really wants to tell him that, while he’s not entirely wrong, the drawing wasn’t that good. That there are a million reasons why Ghoul is the better half of this equation, that Poison is the lucky one, that Ghoul, with his calloused caring, messy love notes and childlike drawings, means more than he can say. He does not, however, want to stop kissing Ghoul, so he doesn’t.

They stay like that for a while, mouths moving in sync until they really need to head in or at least take things to the back seat because they really shouldn’t mortify Kobra like that again, but before they do, Party takes the drawing Ghoul made of him and puts it safely in his jacket pocket, where it stays.

~~~~

Thank you for reading, sorry for any mistakes with grammar and stuff. love you all. ( if anyone has a better title please tell me my brain is fried and this is all I had. )

-Fish

[englishitaliantranslations]

Italian English Basic Translations

Right/Correct- Giusta Wrong- Sbagliato Leave- Partire / Lasciare Left (Direction)- La Sinstra Right (Direction)- La Destra / Il Destro Rights (Law)- Il Diritto / Diritti Turn- Girare Stop- Fermare Change- Cambia Switch- Passare Twist- torcere Straight- Dritto, diritto, direttamente Ahead/Forward- avanti Behind- dietro Between- tra / fra Spin-  roteare Sit- sedere / sedersi Run- correre, funzionare, andare, gestire Walk-  camminare Wash- lavare Clean- pulito / pulire Wake (up)- svegliati Choose- scegliere Select- Selezionare / scelto Sleep- dormire Talk/Speak- parlare / dire Shout- urlare Hurt/Injure- ferire Heal- guarire / curare Though- anche se Through- attraverso Thorough- approfondito Maybe/Perhaps- può essere / forse Lift- sollevare Shake- scuotare / agitare Move- spostare Push- spingere Pull- tirare Press- premare / pressare Point- indicare / puntare Carry-  portare / trasportare Drag- trascina Drop- far cadere Bring- portare Break- rompere Up-  in alto / verso l'alto Down- in giù / verso il basso Above- sopra Below- sotto Rip- strappare Tear- lacerare Cook-  cucinare / cuocere Boil- bollire Hit- colpire Punch- punzonare Hug- abbraccio add-  aggiungi subtract-  sottrarre minus- meno eat- mangio drink- beve lick- leccata Pay- paga Cancel- Annulla 

Write- scrivere, (you write- scrivi, I write- scrivo io, I write to you, ti scrivo, wrote- ha scritto, written- scritto, scritta, was writing- stava scrivendo) Enter- entrare (entered- entrato, entered into- entrato dentro, entering- entrando) Exit- la uscita, uscire (exited- uscito, uscita, exciting- uscendo) Withdraw- ritirare / ritirarsi Return- il ritorno, tornare, ritornare, restituire Restart- ricomincia, riavviare, ricomincia   Corner- Angolo Shoot-  sparare Park- parcheggiare Start- inizio / cominciare Finish- finire End- La fine Continue- proseguire / continua Follow- segui inside- dentro outside- al di fuori front- davanti rear/back- posteriore / di dietro hold- tenere remove- rimuovere less- di meno more- di più another- un altro other- altro

a- un / una about- circa all- tutti / tutte also- quasi and- e as- come at- a be- essere become- diventare because- perché but- ma by- via / di / da / a / per can-  può / potere come- vieni / venga could- potuto day- giorno do- fare even- anche find- trova first- primo / prima for- per from-  di / da / a / per /  a partire dal get- ottenere (obtain) give- dare go- vai / andare hate- odio have- ho / avere he- lui  her- sua (objects) here- qui / ecco / qua him- lui  his- il suo (objects) how- come I- io if- se in- in / nel / nella into- in is- è it- esso / essa / lo / la its- suo / suoi (objects) just- appena know- sapere / conoscere like- piace look- guarda make- rendere / fare man- uomo many- molto / tanto me- me more- ancora my- mio need- bisogno new- nuovo news- notizia not- non now- adesso / ora yes- sì no- no of- di on- su / in funzione off- spento / spenta one- uno / una only- solo / sola / soltanto / solamente or- o other- altro our- nostro / nostra out- su / fuori own- proprio / propria people- gente say- dire see- vedo / vedere

she- lei so- così so-so-  così così some- alcuni / alcune take- prendo tell- raccontare than- di / che that- quello / quella the- la / il / le / i / gli / l’ / lo their- le loro / i loro / il loro them- loro / esse / essi / li / le then- poi / allora there- là / lì / ci / vi / colà these- questi / queste they- esse / essi / loro thing- la cosa / il coso think- pensa this- questo / questa those- quelli / quella / quei / quegli time- tempo to- a / per / di two- due / i due up- in piedi use- uso very- molto / molta want- volere / voglio was- era / è stato way- modo we- noi well- bene what- che cosa when- quando How much- quanto / quanta

How many- quanti / quante where- dove whether- se / che while- mentre which- quale who- chi why- perché / come mai will- volere with- con

without- senza would- voluto year- anno you- Tu / te / ti / vi / voi you (plural)- voi tutti your- il tuo / vostro

touch- toccare sight- vista smell- odore hear- sentire / udire / ascolta taste- gustare feel- sentire sense- percepire allow- permettere / consentire ban-  bandire / proibire / vietare / interdire set- impostare / esporre over- oltre under- sotto Keep- tenere release- rilasciare assume-  assumere believe- credere put- mettere place- porre / collocare after- dopo before- prima collect- raccogliere / riscuotere dispose-  disporre / smaltire

cut- taglio empty-  svuotare / vuotare fill- riempire toward- verso, versa away- lontano, lontana throw- gettare catch- catturare however- tuttavia, però, comunque, per quanto this or that- questo o quello otherwise- altrimenti record- disco, registrare measure- misurare

answer- rispondere, la risposta question- la domanda, interrogare problem- il problema reply- replicare, la republica ignore- ammettere play- giocare, suonare replay- replay  repeat- ripetere)  ask- chiedi, chiedere admit- ammettere agree- essere d’accordo, concordare disagree- disaccordo, dissentire join- aderire, unire, unirisi separate- separare, separato, disgiungere, disunire leave- lasciare, partire appear- apparire, comparire disappear- scomparire

again- ancora, di nuovo, nuovamente encore- bis against- contro

[parischangedher]

this love came back to me.

Ideas/Requests/Tags: “Plot twist: Tony and Ziva took the couch in Paris. Together.” -- @factoffictionwriter @tivajunkie @coffeedepablo

So...this took a turn. It’s not at all realistic, but realism left this show a long time ago, really. Otherwise, they would’ve been canon years ago. But I digress...

TW: very brief mention of Somalia

Word Count: 5.8k

Links: AO3/FF

“Allons-y, ma chérie!” Tony exclaimed as he dropped their bags on the floor of the hotel room. 

It was classically Parisian, he thought as he took in the space. The suite was adorned with gold wallpaper and a small chandelier. On one end, there was a wide window above an inviting king-size bed, a desk, and a television. On the far side, where Ziva was currently sitting, was a matching sofa and armchair. They were the type that looked far more decorative than comfortable, complete with dark wooden frames and old fabric pulled taut.

“Où, mon petit pois?”

He grinned at the old moniker and raised his eyebrows playfully, stepping a bit closer and offering his arm. “You show me.”

Ziva laughed. “Tony, we have work to do. This is not a vacation.”

“We have nothing to do until tomorrow, Zee-vah. Come on, it’ll be fun.” He paused before continuing, his eyes meeting hers. “If it helps, I will give you complete control of our itinerary. We can avoid all the tourist spots.”

She considered his request more carefully, then. Whether it was the way he was staring at her, the fact that they were thousands of miles from home, or that they were in one of the most passionate cities in the world, she couldn’t tell. But, before her common sense could kick in, she smirked, stood and stepped closer to him, tilting to expose her neck suggestively as she always used to do.

Lowering her voice a few octaves, she thickened her accent and completed her assault on his personal space. “Complete control, huh?”

Tony’s smile fell for a split second as he subconsciously stood straighter, clearing his throat and quickly remembering what it was like to play with fire. 

“That is, uh, what I said.”

Ziva made a show of glancing down at his lips before meeting his eyes again and quickly backing away, her face and voice returning to normal. “Okay.”

She gathered her phone, badge, weapons and wallet while Tony remained still. With three words, he was transported back to four years ago, when he first met the only woman who could intimidate him, who could match him blow-for-blow without batting an eye. (Besides his mother and divorce lawyers, who don’t count.) 

 Ziva turned back to face him and smirked, again.

“Tony,” she said, stepping closer and putting a hand on his cheek. “Are you ready?”

Her touch snapped him out of it. Smiling, he responded.

 “Oui, mon Ziva. Après vous.”

+++ 

“You have to be kidding,” Tony exclaimed as he strolled down the cobblestone streets in the most under-rated parts of Paris with Ziva on his arm. 

They had spent the afternoon in a whole other world--one in which their normal boundaries seemed incredibly out-of-place. Investigating small shops, hidden bakeries and quintessential sights when they were off-duty built an atmosphere of intimacy. It encouraged personal conversation about everything from daydreams to childhoods.

Ziva smiled and playfully rolled her eyes. “I am not, Tony. We were a little too busy training to have the time for stuff like that.”

“That’s just, like...a sin,” he said. “It’s something you have to experience at least once. What if your kid wants to do it someday?”

It took everything in Ziva not to freeze at the question. Instead, she slowed and only allowed her smile to fade slightly. She knew it wasn’t his fault, not really. He was just making conversation. She was the one with the issues.

Sensing his mistake, Tony backed off and quickly changed the subject, asking questions about the best food she had in Paris and whether customs would allow him to bring it back to the States.

+++

Her jaw dropped when she exited the bathroom, her hair still wet from the shower and her body clothed in the lace pajamas she may or may not have packed on purpose. Just in case.

“What is all of this?” she asked, incredulous at the sight before her. 

The bed had been stripped of its blankets and pillows, which had been expertly relocated to the floor in front of the couch. Above it, a sheet lay draped neatly across the sofa and armchair. The lights were dimmed and a small stack of movies was on the end table.

“Over here,” Tony said as he poked his head out from under the sheet, flashing her one of his classic grins. 

Ziva smiled back, still confused and remaining still. “Tony, I--”

“Come on. I have a bribe,” he said as he held up a bottle of red wine.

She rolled her eyes but obliged, sliding onto the blankets and facing him. She pushed a stray curl behind her ear and looked at him expectantly. “Well?”

“Well,” he replied as he poured a generous amount before handing her the glass. “This way, we won’t fight about who gets the bed.”

"Tony,” she said, raising her eyebrows. “You and I both know we would not have fought over the bed.”

Tony laughed to himself and looked down, suddenly finding the pattern on his shorts very interesting. “Yeah.”

“So?”

“So,” he started again. “I just thought that, as your partner, I should make sure that you’re prepared for all scenarios.”

“Tony,” she said again, putting her hand over his and encouraging him to look at her. 

He finally met her eyes and smiled sheepishly. “Okay. Look, I’m sorry about what I said earlier. It didn’t come out right.”

“So...you built one of those pillow huts you were talking about to make it up to me?”

“Fort. A pillow fort. And...yes.” He searched her eyes before nervously continuing. “What do you think?”

Ziva smiled softly with a look in her eyes that was too scary for either to name. She was deeply touched: No one had ever done anything this thoughtful for her before.

“I think--” she started as she brought her hand up to cup his cheek. “--that it is a perfect introduction to the world of pillow forts.”

+++

Two hours later, with the movie over and the wine bottle emptied, Ziva lay flush against Tony’s side. His arm wrapped lightly around her waist as her head rested on his left shoulder.

"Do you want children, Tony?”

“I--” he started, absentmindedly running his hand down her arm. “I suppose, someday, it might be nice. Assuming I can do better than Senior, of course.”

"Of that I have no doubt.”

They stayed in comfortable silence for some time, enjoying the intimacy of the moment and the feeling of lowered walls.

“What about you?” he asked quietly.

She sighed. “I...I do not know. My life was, as you know, complicated, growing up. It still is. I do not think I would be the best example.”

“Ziva David,” Tony stated, tilting his head back a bit to look at her. “You would be an amazing example.”

She rolled her eyes and drew circles on his chest, avoiding eye contact. “That is sweet, Tony. But you and I both know it is not true.”

“You tell me a reason you think so, and I’ll shoot it down with a thousand to the contrary.”

 “Well, until today I never experienced a pillow fort. You said yourself that it was an essential prerequisite to parenthood.”

“Ziva,” he said softly, moving his hand to her cheek and encouraging her to look at him.

She reluctantly met his eyes with misty ones of her own, immediately recognizing the same loving look that she gave him earlier. Of course he wouldn’t accept that deflection.

She contemplated changing the subject, as they usually did when things got too serious. But in that moment, in his arms in the middle of the night in Paris, she felt...safe. For the first time in a long time.

Or maybe it was just the damn fort.

“Tony,” she smiled sadly. “I was raised to be a killer. A spy, a heartless soldier.  And for most of my life, that is what I was.”

“You are not heartless,” he replied. “Even if that was true at some point, it’s not anymore.”

“Maybe,” she said. “That part of me likely died in...in Somalia. But it does not change what I have done.”

“You can’t let your past--especially the parts that were influenced by being the daughter of Mossad’s director--control you now. You deserve better.”

Ziva scoffed. “Not according to some people.”

Tony’s eyes narrowed. “Who?”

“Vance.”

“What did he say? He will regret it.”

“No, Tony. I do not want to visit you in jail.” 

She hesitated before continuing. She had not voiced this to anyone, and she still wasn’t quite sure that she should--especially to him. 

When the hood had been lifted, she suddenly realized that she truly could not live without him. Although the rational part of her knew that he felt the same--he told her himself, after all--she was scared to do or say anything that might make him think less of her, or treat her differently. Or not want her anymore.

But, studying his face--full of raw emotion, safety and something that looked a lot like unconditional love--somehow made her brave.

“When I returned--when you brought me back,” she said slowly, heart pounding in her ears. “He said that I was damaged goods. He was not wrong.”

“Screw him,” he said immediately with fire in his eyes. “You are not.”

“I am, though, Tony. Even if you do not count anything I did while working with Mossad,” she said, her voice shaking. “Being in Somalia...what Saleem did...hurt. He and his men...they left their mark.”

She looked at him again, this time letting a stray tear escape. He wiped it away and interlaced his fingers with hers, kissing the top of her hand.

“I’m so sorry, Ziva.”

"I know.”

His watery eyes bore into hers, desperately trying to send all the love he had for her into her soul. 

“But, even that does not make you broken. You’re not...damaged goods.”

She shook her head and closed her eyes for a moment. His heart ached as he saw the internal battle raging in her.

“You trust me, right?” Tony asked softly.

“Of course I do.”

“Look at me.”

When she finally did, he continued.

“You’re the strongest person I know, Ziva. You have gone through unimaginable horrors and made it through the other side. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you a survivor, and for that reason alone, you will make an excellent mother someday.”

Ziva nodded, not yet trusting herself to speak as a few more tears slipped down her face. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you, Tony,” she said quietly as she settled back against him. He gently rubbed her back and kissed her hairline, hoping he alleviated at least a little bit of her self-doubt. They stayed like that, talking softly and enjoying the embrace, until sleep eventually claimed them both.

+++

“Just put it on the counter, Tali,” Tony instructed as he unlocked their apartment door and stepped inside.

“Okay, Abba,” she said as she placed a grocery bag in the kitchen and rummaged through its contents. “Can we watch a movie tonight?”

Tony chuckled and rubbed a hand through her hair. “Are you kidding? Why did you think we bought extra ice cream?!”

After they finished putting the food away, Tali and Tony walked into the living room, the latter frowning at the sight before him. Pillows, blankets and comforters were piled haphazardly on the floor in front of their sofa, and their spare sheet was draped awkwardly across it and two kitchen chairs.

“Tali, how many times do I have to tell you to please clean up after you’re done playing?” 

“I didn’t do it!”

“Tali,” he said sternly, about to chastise her for lying, when she ran to her room and shut the door. He turned to follow when a voice stopped him in his tracks.

“She is right, you know,” Ziva said, crawling out from under the sheet with a shy smile on her face.

Tony’s jaw dropped at the sound. He turned to finally see his love, standing in front of him, in his apartment, alive.

“Ziva.”

“Hello, Tony,” she said. “I am sorry. I meant to be finished before you came back. But, I have never actually made one of these before. It is much harder than it looks.”

Tony smiled with misty eyes and stepped closer, immediately wrapping his arms around her waist. Ziva’s smile grew wider as she put her hands around his neck, basking in his presence. His face looked a bit older, his hair a bit grayer, his eyes a bit wiser--but he still radiated calmness, safety and love, much to her relief.

“It’s really over?”

She nodded.

“Are you okay?”

“I will be.”

He pulled her flush against him and touched his forehead with hers, tightening his grip to make sure she was actually real. She slowly looked down at his lips and then back up to his eyes, leaning in a bit--a silent, hesitant question. It was one that Tony answered immediately when he gently cupped her jaw and met her halfway. 

Unlike their goodbye kiss, their heated ones in Israel, and their time undercover, this embrace was slow and strong. Tony’s tongue begged for entry, which Ziva happily granted. He cradled her head in his hand and deepened the kiss, never wanting to let go; her skin burned under his touch. She moaned quietly when he moved from her lips to her neck, briefly sucking on her pulse point before reclaiming her mouth. Ziva ran her hands under his shirt and up his back, causing a shiver down his spine. They spent several minutes reacquainting themselves with each other, reveling in the moment until she eventually broke away.

“Now that is a hello,” she said, breathing hard.

Tony chuckled and ran a hand through her curls. “Well, we have a lot of making up to do.”

“I know. And, we have a lot to discuss,” she replied, avoiding eye contact as fear started to rise. “Despite that lovely greeting, I do not want to presume anything, Tony.”

“Hey,” he said warmly, gently stroking her cheek and leaning in close. “We will talk. About everything. But right now, I am just happy to see you. I’m still not sure this isn’t a dream.”

She smiled weakly but it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“Ziva...It might take time--and a lot of work. But, I will do whatever it takes to make us okay. There is absolutely no way I’m losing you again. I promise.” He paused briefly before continuing. “I don’t have a choice, really. I can’t live without you. I tried. I couldn’t.”

“And I you.” She met his eyes, then, with watery ones of her own. She put her hands on his shoulders. “I am not sure what I did to deserve you.”

“See? We’re on the same page already,” he said, eyes twinkling. “I was thinking the same thing about you.”

Ziva chuckled and cupped his jaw. 

“Shall we let her know she's off the hook?”

"I suppose,” she said, her anxiety rising again. “Does she remember anything?”

“It’s hard to tell. But, no matter what, she knows all about how strong her mother is, and how much she is loved. I made sure of that. I even taught her--and myself--a little Hebrew.”

Ziva smiled and kissed his cheek. “Thank you, Tony. Now, I know that I do not deserve you.”

“Cut that out,” he said with a playful glint in his eye. “Or I’ll make you stay in that fort until you do.”

“Is that a promise?" she asked, glancing quickly down at his mouth again.

Tony smirked, raising his eyebrows and thoroughly enjoying the first flirtatious moment they’ve had in years. There was still a lot to discuss, feelings to express and questions to ask. But, for now, with her in his arms, everything was perfectly aligned. They stayed like that for a few moments until Tali came bounding out of her room, evidently tired of waiting for her father.

Ziva froze as she took in the sight of her daughter up-close for the first time in three years. She was even more beautiful than she was before, if that was possible, with all the best parts of her and Tony. Her heart ached for the missed time, and it pounded as everything she had been working for was finally happening. This was it.

“Tali,” Tony said, breaking away from Ziva to meet her at the entrance. He took her small hands gently in his. “Listen, I’m sorry I yelled at you before. I know you didn’t make a mess.”

Tali grinned. “I forgive you.”

"Good,” he laughed. “And, honey...there is someone here who would really like to see you. Is that ok?” She nodded but looked at him curiously as he stepped aside and gestured to Ziva.

She made eye contact with her mother and studied her carefully, as only the daughter of a trained spy could. Ziva smiled softly and stood still, not wanting to spook her. Eventually, Tali recognized the necklace and instinctively raised a hand to clutch the one around her neck.

“Ima?” she asked hesitantly.

Ziva broke into a wide grin as she nodded, raising a hand to grasp the pendant. “Yes, Tali, it’s me.”

“Really?” she asked, her eyes bright with possibility despite the touch of disbelief.

“Yes, ahuva sheli. Bo Hena?” she asked, opening her arms and gesturing for her to come.

Tali grinned and ran into her mother’s arms. Ziva knelt down to meet her and hugged her tightly. Gently stroking her back, Ziva buried her face in her daughter’s hair and started to sob, finally able to release the breath she has been holding for three years.

“Why are you sad?” 

Ziva chuckled and pulled back a bit from Tali to look at her. “I am not sad, Tali. I am crying because I am happy. I am so, so happy to see you."

“I’m happy to see you too,” Tali said softly, reaching out a hand to carefully touch the pendant around Ziva’s neck, as if it was made of glass. It was a sharp contrast to the yanking of a toddler that she remembered.

If it was possible for a heart to explode with joy, it would have done so in that moment. Ziva wiped her face and couldn’t stop smiling.

“Is that for me, Ima?” Tali asked, eyes wide as she took in the mess in front of the sofa.

“Yes, Tali. Ken.”

Tali grinned and took Ziva’s hand, pulling her over to the fort. They ducked inside and Ziva waited as Tali took in the space. Tony watched from a distance with a wide smile, wanting to give them both the time they needed.

“Toda, Ima. I love it! Can I eat the ice cream in here after dinner?”

Ziva laughed. “I don’t see why not. But we should probably ask Abba, too.”

Tali grinned and stuck her little head out from under the blankets, just as Tony had done years ago. “Abba!” she yelled.

“Yes?” Tony replied.

“Can we eat the ice cream in here later?”

“Of course, kid.” 

Getting the answer she expected, Tali popped her head back under the sheet and turned to face Ziva.

“Ima?” she asked shyly, fiddling with a thread on the blanket as her previous smile faded. The novelty of her mother’s reappearance wore off and was replaced with questions that only Ziva could answer.

“What is it, tateleh?” Ziva asked nervously, trying to ignore all the dark possibilities that immediately sprung to mind.

Tali looked away, then--a move she must have inherited from her mother--and paused before answering.

“Why did you leave?”

“Well,” Ziva started, her pulse racing as she tried to find words that would make sense to her. “What did Abba tell you?”

“He said you had to do something very important.”

“That’s right,” she said. “There were some...bad people who were mad at me. So, I had to try to fix the problem and let you stay with your Abba for a while.”

Tali nodded in understanding beyond her years. “So you had to keep us safe?”

“Yes.”

Ziva saw the fear in her daughter’s eyes, which almost broke her heart. “Come here, Tali. Bo hena,” she said, holding her arms open.

She obeyed, snuggling against her mother and burying her face in her shirt. Ziva stroked her hair softly. “Everything is better now, Tali. You, and Abba, and I are all safe. It is over. And I am so, so sorry I had to leave you for so long. Please forgive me, ahuv sheli.”

Tali nodded into Ziva’s chest. “Where are you going now?” she asked apprehensively, tightening her grasp around her mother.

“I’m not going anywhere, Tali. Ani lo e’zov. I promise.”

Tali leaned back a bit, a heavy weight off her growing shoulders. She raised her hand to gently grasp the Star around her neck.

“You probably need this back then. Abba said it was yours.”

“Oh no,” Ziva replied, shaking her head with a soft smile. “It is yours now, Tali. It looks beautiful on you.”

She grinned, finally, and hugged Ziva again. “Toda, Ima. Ani ohev otach.”

“Ani ohev otach, tateleh.”

+++

After making dinner, eating ice cream and watching Frozen, Tony and Ziva had finally convinced Tali to sleep. It was strange, having their bedtime ritual joined by the missing link in their trio. But somehow, it was also as natural as ever. Tali reveled in spending the day with both of her parents, showing Ziva all of her drawings and talking endlessly about how much she liked Olaf. Ziva tried to let Tony take the lead, as he was the one who had been raising her for the past three years, and she didn’t want to intrude or usurp him. But he would have none of it, consistently telling Tali to ask her mother what she thought, encouraging their bonding and stepping back to let them begin to make up for all the lost time. They were stumbling blindly through this new reality, taking it one moment at a time--but they were doing it together, as partners, just as they always had.

They spent a few hours after putting Tali to bed enjoying each other’s company, not yet daring to breach any sensitive topics. Still, they were content, lounging with the television in the background. Tony’s feet were up on the coffee table as Ziva’s were folded under her; her head rested on his shoulder with his arm around her back.

When a half hour passed without a comment from Ziva, Tony turned slightly to sneak a glance. He smiled when he saw her nearing the brink of sleep.

“Hey,” he said, just loud enough to rouse her. Ziva blinked a few times and looked at him with sleepy eyes. “Come on,” he said, taking her hand and leading her to his bedroom. Or, their bedroom. Maybe.

Ziva opened her mouth to object, as they had not yet discussed sleeping arrangements--among many other things. She did not want to disrupt his life more than she already had. The words died on her lips when she saw the intense, loving and determined look on his face.

She smiled back and obliged, following him into the room and graciously accepting his old Ohio State t-shirt to use as pajamas. 

They climbed into bed and reached for each other without hesitation. Turning to her side, Tony immediately followed and pressed up against her back. Draping a protective arm around her side, he pulled her close. That from any other man would have felt threatening, but after everything, Ziva had never felt more at home.

+++

Tony awoke to the feeling of loss. Realizing that the space beside him was cold and his bedside companion was missing, he sat up straight and tried to quell the rising panic.

He threw the sheets off, pulled on a t-shirt and opened his door, walking through the apartment until he saw a lamp on in the living room.

“There you are,” he said in relief as he walked to the entrance of the pillow fort.

Ziva smiled apologetically and reached out her hand. “I did not mean to worry you.”

Tony smiled back and climbed under the sheet with her. “You okay?”

“Not really.”

“Bad dream?”

“Something like that,” she said quietly. “We need to talk.”

“Now?”

“Yes. If you are able, of course,” she added hastily.

"Whatever you need, Ziva.”

She made eye contact with him then, letting him see the anxiety, fear and regret sketched all across her face. It looked like she’d been crying. He took her shaking hand in his strong one, waiting patiently for her to begin.

“I am so sorry, Tony.”

“I know,” he said, brushing a stray curl behind her ear. “I got your letters from Odette.”

“I thought as much, when you did not shoot me out earlier.”

“Throw you out. And I would never do that. No matter what.”

Ziva squeezed his hand. “Are you...are you angry?”

“No. Well, maybe a little bit.”

She raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “Tony. What I did is almost unforgivable. You have every right to be furious.”

“Operative word being almost, Ziva,” he said softly, stroking her hand with his thumb. He paused for a moment before continuing. “I was angry, when I first found out about Tali. Of course I was. But that was also tangled up in confusion, denial, and grief. It’s hard to pick it all apart.”

“I am sorry about that too.”

“Hearing the news about your ‘death’...even though I had my doubts from the beginning...it almost killed me, Ziva. It probably would have, if it wasn’t for her.”

She nodded but said nothing, urging him to continue.

“I understand why you did it. I do. I know that once the threat began, you were trying to protect her, and that you believed the best way to do that was to keep a low profile and eventually use the attack to disappear.”

“But?”

“But,” he continued. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me the moment you found out you were pregnant. Did you really think that little of me? That I wouldn’t want to know?”

His eyes bore into hers, exposing the pain and rawness that he had been suppressing since she broke into his apartment. She wiped a tear from her face and forced herself to respond. Not to run.

“Of course not, Tony. I knew you would have been perfect. Honestly,” she said sadly. “I do not think there is any reason in the world that could justify what I did. I will always regret it.”

“Try me.”

Taking a deep breath, she tried her best to explain her deeply flawed thought process.

“After you left Israel, Tony, I was not doing well. I thought that spending time there would help me heal, bring me closure. Help me put an end to everything I hated about myself. I was wrong.”

He said nothing, waiting for her to continue.

“Instead, it just made everything worse. I convinced myself that you--that everyone, really--would be better off without me. I thought that little of myself. Not you. When I found out I was pregnant, I did not know what to feel. There were days when I wasn’t even sure I would keep her. It was...a very dark time,” she admitted.

“I still deserved to know, Ziva,” he said, his voice breaking.

She put her hand on his cheek and felt his stubble underneath her fingers. She gave him a pleading look, one that begged him to understand what was not understandable and forgive what was nearly unforgivable.

“I know. And, I eventually figured that out too. Having her, holding her in my arms, allowed me to finally dig myself out of the dark hole I found myself in. It was then that I realized what a horrible mistake I made. But by then it was too late. The danger was already present. I simply could not risk it.”

“And then of course, once I heard of the pending attack, I knew that I had to disappear. There could be no doubt that I was dead, or they would have used Tali against me. They would have used you against me. So, I did the only thing I could do. I faked my death, and I sent Tali to the only person I could ever trust to protect her. And...you know the rest.”

“You didn’t have to do that, though. I could have helped protect you.”

“I know you could have. But I simply could not risk anything happening to you, Tony. Leaving Tali without both of her parents, or leaving myself without--without you. I just could not take that chance.”

He said nothing, still processing what she said. She waited patiently for as long as she could in vulnerable silence.

“Please say something, Tony.”

A tear escaped and traveled down his face as met her eyes. She padded it away and took his hands in hers.

“We really screwed this up, didn’t we,” he said.

“I suppose we did.”

“I am sorry too, you know.”

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

“I shouldn’t have left you in Israel to wallow by yourself, Ziva. I should have stayed with you, if you didn’t want to return. Or at least made more of an effort to check in on you.”

“Tony,” she said sadly. “I did not want you to. And you had your whole life in DC.”

He laughed softly, running a hand through her hair. “That’s where you’re wrong, sweetcheeks. I left my life in Israel--I left you. And her, although I didn’t know it then.”

He paused before continuing, not wanting to stumble this next line. “At ha’or shel hachayim sheli, Ziva.”��

[You are the light of my life.]

Ziva smiled and leaned forward, kissing his cheek.

“So what now, Tony?”

“Now, I think we should really try to get some sleep.”

“Tony,” she said, clearly not quite finished with the conversation. “I need to know what it is you want.”

He studied her briefly before responding.

“Well, that depends. Do you promise not to run again?”

“Yes. Ani lo e’zov, Tony.”

[I won’t leave.]

“Good. Then...come here,” he instructed, rising and stepping out of the fort. Ziva did as he requested. He led her over to the bookcase and turned away to rummage through an old shoebox he kept at the top.

“I saw this when Tali and I first arrived in Paris,” he rambled as he continued, increasingly frantic. “And I knew it was a long-shot, probably a stupid idea, but I didn’t care, really. I just had this feeling that I--”

“Tony,” she said, exasperated. “Please answer me.”

“I will. Right...now,” he said with a wide smile as he finally found the object of his search.

He turned to face her with a wide grin on his face. “I never thought I’d have the chance to use this. Hoped. But I never thought it would actually happen.”

Ziva smiled softly, still a bit confused until he opened his hand to reveal a small  velvet box.

Her jaw dropped when she realized his intentions. “You’ve had that all this time?”

“Yes.”

“Tony, I...I do not want you to do something impulsive, or feel a sense of obligation, or--”

“Ziva," he said, his eyebrows raised. “I promise you that I’m not, and I don’t. I got this because I knew that if I were to ever find you again, I wanted to be ready.”

She was silent for a moment, processing his response. “I...I do not know what to say right now,” she said, laughing softly to herself as her eyes started to grow misty.

“I’ll take that as my cue, then.”

Their hearts both raced as he lowered himself to one knee. 

"The past six years and, especially, the last three, have been the hardest of my life,” he started. “But, what they’ve taught me is simple. We’ve wasted so much time, and I don’t want to spend one more second without you. So...what I want--or, what I need, really--is you. Us. All the good parts and the bad parts, forever. If that’s, of course, what you want.”

Ziva smiled wide as she wiped her eyes. “That is the only thing I want.” 

He smiled back and stared deeply into her eyes, exposing his nervousness and vulnerability as he opened the box. He let out a shaky breath as he prepared for the most important question he’d ever have to ask. 

She saw the worry in his face and stretched out a hand to cradle his head, nodding in encouragement. “Ask me, Tony,” she said quietly.

With a new bout of courage, he gently took her hand. “I know we still have a lot to discuss and work through. I really wasn’t planning on springing this on you so fast after you got back. But, our timing has never been good anyway, I guess,” he chuckled to himself.

“None of that matters, though. The only thing that does is that I love you. I have for years. I am hopelessly, hopelessly in love with you. And I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I do. So...Ziva David, will you marry me? Titchatni iti?”

“Yes” she said immediately, grinning as the tears she had been holding back flowed freely down her face. “Yes, a million times over.”

He grinned like a kid on Christmas morning as he placed the ring on her finger. As soon as he did, she pulled him up to her and kissed him deeply. He returned the embrace and pulled her closer to him, marking the beginning of the rest of their lives.

“I love you too, you know,” she whispered when they finally broke apart. “I have for a long, long time.”

Tony smiled and stroked her cheek, both reveling in the happy silence for a few moments.

“Come here,” she said as she started to pull him away from the shelf and walked backwards toward the bedroom.

“Finally ready to sleep?” he asked lightheartedly, following her without hesitation. He’d follow her anywhere.

She smirked, tilting her head suggestively and shooting him a look that could set water on fire. “Not in the slightest.”

He grinned and bit the corner of his lip. “Good. Neither is your fiancé.”

[lis-likes-fics]

Ragnarok Rant - Part One

Take off your socks and grab your crocs, it’s gonna be a wet ride.

We’re going to start out with 100 points and see where we end up by the end of this.

On Muspelheim First of all, Thor isn’t funny... or this smart. If he was caught, he’d just destroy the person who captured him and go on with his day like nothing ever happened. He wouldn’t be this logical and stick around, pretending to be bested so he could get answers. So, that -50 points from the score. Let’s see if we end up in the negatives by the end of this.

He is self-centered like this though, so I’ll give +10 points for accuracy. Again, he isn’t this funny. This scene shouldn’t exist because Thor wouldn’t have been caught in the first place. -15 points. Thor is too serious. If he saw a vision of Asgard falling to ruins, he wouldn’t be speaking like it was nothing. Like in Avengers: Age of Ultron, he would have taken the matter seriously and done what he thought would be ‘most logical’ in that pee-wee brain of his. He’s joking around too much and is out of character. -10 points. He is out of character and I actually prefer the brooding Thor over this one. The whole ‘’cause that’s what heros do’ line. Shouldn’t be there because he honestly isn’t as big a hero as others like to believe. -10 points.

The dragon, it’s the dragon. He would have killed the dragon as soon as he’d seen it. Thor would know how because he’d swing that hammer and that dragon wouldn’t stand a chance. So -10 points. So far we are at 15 points.

Skurge Loki is not an idiot, Taika. He would not hire Skurge as the new guard of the Bifrost. Loki would appoint this task to someone who shows to have a strong work ethic and who knows when it’s time to do his job and when it’s okay for him to chill out for a while. He wouldn’t choose an idiot who would use his job to gain the favoritism of the ladies. -50 points for screwing up Loki’s character. Skurge wouldn’t have to run to get to the palace because that’s just inconvenient. Loki would know Thor wouldn’t listen if he did just happen to pop in, so Skurge would have a horse so he could get to and from the palace. -20 points. We are now at -55 points.

Theatre Practice Okay, Loki is not self-centered like this. He may show off as being superior compared to everyone else because of his god title, but he would not write a play for himself. A statue, ofc he would build a statue. But a play is too much, even for him. And another thing. Why would he write into the play that he was a Frost Giant? He was raised to believe that the Jotuns were monsters that should be destroyed if they ever showed even a little bit of hostility. There may be a peace treaty between Jotunheim and Asgard, but that doesn’t mean that they are not still considered enemies. Loki would never disclose the information of him being a child of Jotunheim to the entire realm of Asgard. Ever. He’s too insecure about this fact to do so. -50 points for getting his character wrong.

Another thing, Loki ruled over Asgard peacefully for around two years. He has shown to be a great king and he is still unworthy of the throne? Yeah, right. He’s done a better job at being king than Odin and Thor combined. -20 points.

And the casting for the play. Is Taika even more of an idiot than I thought? Did he even watch Thor: The Dark World? Lady Sif and the Warriors Three were not on Svartalfheim. It was Jane, Thor, Loki, and Malekith and his army. -10 points for wrong information.

I will give points for Loki with his illusions to look like Odin saying ‘Oh, shit’. That was a funny joke and I will give that one to you. +10 points.

Here is some supporting evidence that Thor isn’t that smart. He’s just going to threaten, and possibly kill, his brother just because he’d done something with Odin. Nice job. Thor, you are only supporting my ranting about how you were a terrible brother. But that is for another time and there will be some of this in future sections of this rant. -50 points.

Another -50 points for threatening the life of Loki.

Thor, he did do what you asked, even if it was as Odin. You wanted independence, you didn’t want to rule over Asgard, so Loki left you alone. He didn’t do it to remain his cover either. As he’s said before. Loki never wanted to throne, he only ever wanted to be your equal. So when he leaves you alone like you wanted, you’re going to threaten his life because he ruled why you wouldn’t? Real smart, O Great God of Thunder. -30 points. We are currently at -225 points. You better hope Loki feels like being on his best behavior, that’s the only way you’re getting out of the negatives, Thor.

Midgardians and Sorcerers Here we are on Midgard. Shall I say it again? Loki is not an idiot. He would know better than to just stick Odin, the Former King of Asgard in a retirement home in Midgard. Against what I would have liked Loki to do, he respects Odin too much to put him at such lows. Yes, Odin was a terrible father, but Loki still tried to win his favor, to prove himself to the king. He had to have respected him at least a little bit to want to prove himself to him. -30 points.

Instead of being happy that his brother was alive and well and okay, Thor decides to be mad at him. Loki was presumed dead for two years and you find out he’s alive. The first thing you’re going to do after you had apparently ‘mourned’ him the whole time, is threaten him and emotionally and physically mistreat him? Yeah, I didn’t think so. -40 points.

I will give points for the ‘Jane dumped Thor’ thing. Mutual dumping? Yeah, right. She dumped you, Thor, and you know it. We all know it. It pleases me to know that Thor isn’t doing as well as he appears to be. +10 points. Loki’s reactions to the girls taking a picture with Thor is on point and I applaud you for getting his character right, even if it was just for a moment. Two claps and +10 points.

And Loki is right there. New York is always under attack, hell, the world is always under attack. The New York incident that happened 5 years ago is nothing compared to what they’ve been through and what they will go through. Most people would have learned to forgive and forget, so Loki would have gotten a picture or two in because, come on, look at him. Like those girls would have just passed by him like he wasn’t even there. -5 points.

Thor should know enough about Loki’s magic to know that his magic is green not gold. AS WELL AS HIS EYES THAT ARE GREEN AND NOT BLUE. THAT’S BULLSHIT! YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT LOKI MATTERS, TAIKA. THE FANS ARE GONNA COME BEAT YOUR ASS. -20 points. And you were just climbing back up. Aw, too bad. I was being generous, too.

Loki is a great sorcerer who has been practicing magic for centuries. Compared to Dr. Strange who has been practicing magic for one year at the time, Loki beats him, by far. He would not have been falling for 30 minutes because he knows how to get out of situations like this. Think, Taika, think. -20 points.

And why tap the card if you think it’s Loki? Can I just say how dangerous that could have been, seeing as the umbrella is Mjolnir’s disguise. That could have injured Loki if it was actually him and Thor’s just going to tap him like that? -10 points.

I will say you did get character accuracy very close with Dr. Stephen Strange, so I will give you points on for it. Accuracy is key, Taika. Do you research and maybe you’d be able to nail it more often. +25 points.

Thor has killed more than Loki has. There were way less casualties caused by Loki in every movie he has been in than there were by Thor in Thor: Ragnarok alone. -10 points for accusing Loki of being a worst being than Thor.

Meddling with Thor’s hair gives you ten points because it is a sacred thing to him. Thank you for that. +10 points.

Ancient relics destroyed because Thor couldn’t just go to grab Mjolnir instead of summoning him. Have some respect, Thor. -10 points.

‘I have been falling for thirty minutes.’ I’m not doing it. Loki landed face first on the floor in a belly flop at who knows how many miles per hour. He’s lucky he’s a god because that fall would have been fatal otherwise. You’re also lucky you didn’t leave any bruises because that would have lost you more points than I’m about to take away. -40 points for making Loki seem like a lesser being.

Another thing with Loki. He would not immediately go to trying to kill Dr. Strange just because he had been falling for thirty minutes. He’s not impulsive and reckless. In fact, he probably would have applauded Dr. Strange for being able to hold him, the Great Loki, God of Mischief, for half an hour. Dr. Strange and Loki would not have immediately had that impression. So, Loki shouldn’t have his daggers out because that is not how he acts. That’s another forty points because Loki is not hostile like that. -40 points. That’s the end of this section. We are now at -425 points.

Odin I will applaud you on Norway. At least Taika knows enough to pick Norway as the place Odin dies. It shows that he knows something more about Norse Mythology than he has, as it is home of the vikings and, therefore, the Asgardians. +50 points for showing that you care at least a little bit about something seemingly small but big as this detail is.

Even with the mess up with Tom Hiddleston’s contacts, you did do well by Loki with his looks. He looks great, he’s acting as he would, and we fangirls appreciate what you did in this moment. +40 points.

Thor immediately believing Loki would make Odin act this way does not make me in the least bit pleased. Loki isn’t a menace and will never, ever, ever convince m that he is, no matter how much imaginary dirt Taika wants to throw in his face. -10 points because Thor is a gigantic oaf.

I will take it as a compliment when Odin told Loki that Frigga would have been proud of his strong magic. It helps to support that Loki is a very powerful sorcerer and he deserves to be told this, he needs to be told this more often. More compliments, more satisfied fans. +20 points.

So...Odin decides to die the one movie they actually need him? Could you yell terrible father for me? Thanks. -20 points for irresponsible parenting, making your children have to clean up a gigantic mess that you made.

This is a delicate matter that should be treated with the same level of delicacy. Odin tells his sons that he loves them. This is something you would expect if he were saying it to Thor, but to Loki, it is nowhere near right. By the way he has treated Loki through his entire life, it is clear that Odin does not love him. There is no evidence telling you that he does and the only way he could say this is by simply just saying this. There is no proof, no supporting evidence. Odin did not love Loki and for saying that he did is tempting me to take points. Loki’s reaction, however, is spot on. He does not know what love is and, therefore, reacts with such shock and surprise to hear that Odin claims to love him. It seems like one last manipulation Odin makes on Loki before he kicks the bucket and I do not appreciate it.

Let’s recap quickly over all the things done by Odin in the past movies. First, he raises Thor and Loki to believe that they are equals and will one day rule together as great kings, only to give the throne to a greedy and arrogant Thor and tell Loki, the more suitable king, that he is not worthy of the Throne of Asgard. When Loki learns of his true heritage, Odin tries to say that he was just trying to save an innocent child when, in fact, the only reason he saved Loki’s life that day was so have a bridge and a reason to finally make peace with the Jotuns. Odin goes into his Odin Sleep and it leaves the throne to Loki while Thor is banished. To prove himself, Loki tries to destroy Jotunheim and finish the job for Thor, having not been told or convinced that Jotunheim didn’t deserve to be destroyed. Again, Loki was raised to believe the Frost Giants were monsters who needed to be slayed, so destroying Jotunheim didn’t seem like a bad thing, especially when it was Thor doing the destroying. All Thor gets is a slap on the wrist while Loki gets disgraced for attempting it himself. At the end of Thor, when Loki ends up dangling from the Rainbow Bridge, only being held up by the sceptre Thor was holding to save his brother for once, he explains that he was only trying to prove himself as a good king, a good son. Odin decides to disown and disgrace Loki, pushing him to attempt suicide. When Loki is presumed dead for the first time, they throw a party in celebration of Thor and think no further of the Lost Prince of Asgard. That was just one movie.

In Thor: The Dark World, Loki is brought in for his crimes on Asgard after attempting to rule them all because he had been mind controlled by the Mad Titan, Thanos. Instead of questioning his son and giving him the benefit of a doubt, Odin decides to imprison the prince for life so he can rot in a cell and think about what he had done. This, in my opinion and possibly Loki’s as well, was a fate worse than death. While in the prison, Frigga dies and is not told by Odin, and is instead informed by a guard. Hm, something as personal as his beloved mother dying should be told to him by his father, instead by a guard. How wonderful. As a last ‘fuck you’ to Loki, Odin decides to tell him that he loves him. With everything I just explained, these are not actions of a father who loves his son. This is not right in the slightest bit and points will be taken. To show a little bit of mercy, I will be subtracting -70 points from the score.

The storm that rolls over them after Odin’s death is a good way to express Thor’s powers. I will give points for that. +10 points.

However, those points shall be taken for Thor’s immediate accusation at Loki. That is not how he should have done things. -10 points. The points are now at -415. Let’s see what will go on next.

Hela’s Arrival Loki’s change is nice and I love the outfit they have for him. His outfit on Sakaar shall be discussed further into the film. I would take points away from this because of the destruction caused by Thor’s lightning, but I’ll be generous and give the points. +20 points.

Hela’s whole look is amazing and very pleasing. I love how her colors are a nice tip of the hat to Norse Mythology where Hel is Loki’s daughter instead. Her look is wonderful. Her weapon choice and crown is another nice gesture to Loki. Knives and horns. +40 points for good costume choice.

Her kneel bit is also another wonderful choice and Loki’s response is even better. A nice load of points for giving these characters some nice touches. I can never get over this and it deserves the points I’m going to give. +50 points for a wonderful choice of dialogue.

I hate that Mjolnir was sadly destroyed but the idea of Hela still being worthy of him even after all the years since he originally belonged to her is a very good choice. I will not be taking points away for the destruction of Mjolnir, nor will I be giving points for Hela’s worthiness.

Thanks for Loki’s hair flip. +10 points. :)

Loki is not a coward! If he saw that there was danger, he wouldn’t immediately flee. He is self-preservative, not cowardly. It was a reckless choice to have Loki want to return to Asgard to get away from Hela. He would think of all of his options and choose the one that would be the most smart and safe. He wouldn’t risk putting his people in harm’s way by having Skurge bring them back to Asgard, he would find another solution where he and Thor lived and they escaped Hela’s clutches. This was out of character. Taika really thinks Loki’s a coward and he isn’t. He is intelligent and brave. If he ever ran from a fight, it was because he knew he would lose and he needed to find better resources to be able to fight back. He would not run and hide like a baby. He is not a baby. There will be points taken away for making Loki seem a way he isn’t. -40 points. I’m being generous.

That will conclude Part One of my Ragnarok Rant. I will be back soon to continue so that we can see where these points will go.

Starting Point: 100

Total Number of Points Given: +295

Total Number of Points Taken: -750

Total Number of Points: -335

To Be Continued...

[freespiritdani]

"But I didn't mean for this to happen..." Part 1 of 2

NOTE: I teach AP English at a high school in the USA. When I began this class this semester, I gave my class an assignment to write a fan fiction essay based on their favorite story, movie, show, or game. All but one of my students are Choices fans and wrote accordingly, Two of them (my daughter and my daughter-in-law) decided to team up and write one 2-part story. They gave me permission to share it here.

The story: The Senior, with parts inspired by The Haunting Of Braidwood Manor

The Pairing: Becca X MC (Alex)

The time: 7 years after MC graduated from Hartfeld

The premise: Assumes that Becca did not follow MC to London and try to reconcile the relationship.

------------------------------------------------

Becca walked into Fenton''s Bar in Northbridge and sat in a booth at the rear of the bar. It was the same booth where a beautiful redhead had taken everything Becca thought she knew about life and love and knocked it into a cocked hat.

The waiter came over to the booth and Becca ordered a Scotch and soda. While she was waiting for her drink to arrive, her mind began to wander.

When I first met Alex, I knew we wouldn't get along, Becca thought. She was so beautiful, so smart, she had a body that was so hot that I knew every boy on campus would want her instead of me. She smiled to herself. Took me six months to figure out she was into girls and only girls, and that she was interested in me...and that a woman could satisfy me emotionally and physically better than any man ever did. -- and that lesson began right here in this very booth.

The waiter brought her her drink. She took a sip, then ordered another. A double this time. She was trying to work up the courage to do something she should have done seven years ago...go to Alex and beg forgiveness for being such a selfish bitch when she transferred to a law school in California without even talking to Alex about it. It had caused such a fight that Alex left her. And instead of going after Alex, Becca immersed herself in school, then her career.

I drove away the only person that ever made me truly happy, Becca thought ruefully, and I was so self-centered that I didn't try to stop her. She went on with her life without me, and now she's a best-selling author. Yeah, I may have a great career that's set to go on to greater heights, but what good is it? My life is so empty without her.

The waiter came back to her booth with her double just as she finished her first drink. As she was raising it to her lips, she heard a drunken but familiar voice call out, "Bring me another one, Tracy!"

Becca slowly looked toward the bar. Sitting at the far end of the bar sat the beautiful, sexy redhead that was once her lover.

Oh my god! She's here! Alex is here! What do I do? What do I do???

Becca took a deep breath and got up from the booth. She picked up her drink, walked over to the bar and sat on a stool near where Alex was sitting. Oh God, please don't let me screw this up, she thought, then she spoke.

"Alex?"

Alex looked blurry-eyed in Becca's direction. "Who wants to-- well, well, well, if it ain't Perry Mason with a pussy!" Alex said loudly, the signs of her inebriation showing clearly. "What in the mortal hell are you doing here, Rebecca? Come to rub your glorious successes in my face??"

"Alex, I--" Becca began, but was interrupted.

"Or did you come to just come to show me how wonderful the great Becca Davenport is and how much of a pathetic loser I am?" Alex sneered.

"No, Alex, I just--"

"Seven years! Seven goddam years since you decided that damn West Coast law school was more important to you than the woman who loved you with all she had in her and would do anything in her power to make you happy! Seven motherfucking years since you showed me I was nothing more to you than an easy piece of ass!" Alex yelled at Becca, then she began to cry. "Seven long, miserable, lonely years that I craved your touch...longed to be in your arms...pined away for your love...prayed it was all just a horrible nightmare...but I'd wake up to an empty bed, a hole in my heart the size of Russia, and no you...you have no idea how much that hurts..." she said softly through her tears.

Becca bowed her head, tears starting to roll down her face. She started, "Yes, I--"

Alex rose unsteadily to her feet. "I can't take this! I gotta go!" she said, then made her way to the door.

Becca got to her feet. "Alex! Wait! Please!"

Alex wordlessly opened the door and left, slamming the door behind her. Becca began sobbing. "But I do know how it feels, baby. I do know..."

A few hours later, she was sitting in her hotel room, replaying what happened earlier that evening over and over in her mind. She went to the mini-bar in her room, grabbed a bottle of vodka and took a swig, then set the bottle back down. Getting as plastered as she is won't help matters any, Davenport, she thought to herself.

As she put the bottle down, she heard a knock on the door. She opened it to find Madison standing on the other side. Madison came in.

"Thanks for coming over," Becca said quietly. "I need somebody to talk to."

"What's wrong?" Madison asked.

"I....saw Alex this evening," Becca replied. "I came to town to find her and to talk to her...try to make things right between us..." She walked over and leaned against the balcony doors, gazing out over the city of Northbridge. "She lit into me like a starving pit bull in a meat locker...she wouldn't even listen...I know I deserve it... Maddie, she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I blew it by letting her go...I'm such a fool...I never should've let her go..."

"Deep down, you still love her and want her back, don't you?" Madison inquired.

"Yes I do. I never stopped loving her," Becca answered. "She was the only person who saw through my tough exterior down to all my weaknesses and insecurities and still wanted me. Despite all my flaws, she still loved me completely. She's the only one who ever made me feel truly loved......but I don't stand a chance to ever have that again because I was such fool..."

"Why don't you call her and tell her what you told me? I'm sure she'll listen," Madison said.

"The way she chewed me up and spit me out, no she won't."

"Call her and see, Becca. Sounds like she feels like you do," Madison told her gently. "What do you have to lose?"

Becca walked over and grabbed her phone. When she brought the screen to life, a notification popped up:

BREAKING NEWS: NOVELIST ALEXANDRA DAY FOUND DEAD IN HER NORTHBRIDGE APARTMENT

Becca dropped her phone in shock. "Oh dear God noooooooooo...." she moaned. "What have I done???" she wailed as she started to cry uncontrollably.

"What's the matter, Becca?" Madison asked with genuine concern.

Becca was silent. She turned and walked slowly toward the balcony door as Madison picked up Becca's phone and saw the notification.

"Oh my God!" Madison said as she clicked on it. She skimmed through the article quickly, found what she was looking for, then called out, "You didn't do anything, Becca. Says here it was a case of acute alcohol pois--.....…Becca?"

Becca wasn't in the room. The balcony door was open. Madison raced to door and called "Becca!!" She peered over the railing...then she slid down to the floor of the balcony, leaning against the railing and sobbing uncontrollably. "Becca, noooooooooo....."

On the sidewalk 18 stories below, a crowd of onlookers began gathering around the spot where the shattered, lifeless body of Rebecca Davenport lay.

[sayitaliano]

300 basic words - IT

First Verbs

be - essere

there is - esserci

have - avere

do - fare

go - andare

want - volere

can - potere

need - avere bisogno

think - pensare

know - sapere

say - dire

like - piacere

speak - parlare

learn - imparare

understand - capire

Conjunctions

that (as in “I think that…” or “the woman that…”) - che

and - e

or - o, oppure

but - ma

because - perché

though - però, sebbene

so (meaning “therefore”; e.g. “I wanted it, so I bought it”) - così

if - se

Prepositions

of - di

to - a, da+article

from - da

in - in

at (a place) - al/dal... (al mare = at the sea...)

at (a time) - alle (alle 9 = at nine)

with - con

about - su, a proposito

like (meaning “similar to”) - come, simile a

for - per

before (also as a conjunction) - prima

after (also as a conjunction) - dopo

during - durante (between = tra/fra)

Question Words

who - chi

what - cosa

where - dove

when - quando

why - perché

how - come

how much - quanto (how long = per quanto tempo)

which - quale/i

Adverbs

a lot - molto, tanto

a little - poco

well - bene

badly - male

only - solo

also - anche

very - molto, tanto

too (as in “too tall”) - troppo

too much - troppo

so (as in “so tall”) - talmente, così tanto

so much - molto, tanto

more (know how to say “more … than …”) - più... che/di...

less (know how to say “less … than …”) - meno... che/di...

as … as … (e.g. “as tall as”) - tanto... quanto...

most - più

least - meno

better - meglio

best - migliore

worse - peggio

worst - peggiore

now - ora, adesso

then - poi, dopo

here - qui

there - là

maybe - forse

always - sempre

usually - di solito

often - spesso

sometimes - qualche volta, a volte

never - mai

today - oggi

yesterday - ieri

tomorrow - domani

soon - presto

almost - quasi

already - già

still - ancora

even - uguale, lo stesso (same), ancora (still, yet)

enough - abbastanza

Adjectives

[Remember to check gender/number versions where necessary and the preposizioni articolate and articoli partitivi]

the, a (technically articles + prepositions) - il, lo, la, l’, i, gli, le / di, a, da, in, con, su, per, tra, fra

this - questo

that - quello

good - bene

bad - male

all - tutto

some - un po’

no - non, nessun/o 

any - un po’ di

many - molto/i

few - poco/chi

most - la maggior parte

other - altro

same - stesso

different - diverso

enough - sufficiente

one - uno

two - due, un paio

a few - pochi, alcuni

first - primo

next - prossimo, vicino

last (meaning “past”, e.g. “last Friday”) - scorso

last (meaning “final”) - ultimo

easy - facile

hard - difficile

early - presto, in anticipo

late - tardi, in ritardo

important - importante

interesting - interessante

fun - divertente

boring - noioso

beautiful - bello

big - grande

small - piccolo

happy - felice

sad - triste

busy - impegnato

excited - eccitato

tired - stanco

ready - pronto

favorite - preferito

new - nuovo

right (meaning “correct”) - giusto, esatto

wrong - sbagliato

true - vero (false = falso)

Pronouns

Subject (“I”), direct object (“me”), indirect object (“to me”), and possessive (“my”) forms.

I - io || mi || mi/a me || mio/mia/miei/mie

you - tu || ti || ti/a te || tuo/tua/tuoi/tue

she - ella/lei || la/l’ || le/a lei || suo/sua/suoi/sue

he - egli/lui || lo/l’ || gli/a lui || suo/sua/suoi/sue

it - esso/a || lo/l’//la/l’ || gli/le//ad esso/a || suo/a [rare]

we - noi || ci || ci/a noi || nostro/nostra/nostri/nostre

you (plural) - voi || vi || vi/a voi || vostro/vostra/vostri/vostre

they - essi/loro || li/le || gli/le/a loro || loro (il loro,la loro,i loro, le loro) 

Nouns

[ check articles here and find more about their use on our blog ]

everything - tutto

something - qualcosa

nothing - nulla/niente

everyone - tutti

someone - qualcuno 

no one - nessuno

Italian - italiano, (la lingua italiana)

English - inglese

thing - la cosa

person - la persona

place - il posto

time (as in “a long time”) - tempo

time (as in “I did it 3 times”) - volta

friend - amico [m. - can be conjugated in gender/number]

woman - la donna

man - l’uomo

money - i soldi

country - la nazione

Italy - l’Italia

city - la città

language - la lingua (idiom), il linguaggio (wording, IT language...)

word - la parola

food - il cibo

house - la casa

store - il negozio

office - l’ufficio [m.]

company - la società, l’azienda [f.]

manager - il manager / il direttore (la direttrice [f.])

coworker - il/la collega

job - il lavoro

work (as in “I have a lot of work to do”) - lavoro [m.]

problem - il problema

question - la domanda

idea - l’idea [f.]

life - la vita

world - il mondo

day - il giorno

year - l’anno [m.]

week - la settimana

month - il mese

hour - l’ora [f.]

mother, father, parent - la madre, il padre, i genitori

daughter, son, child - la figlia, il figlio, il bambino (la bambina [f.])

wife, husband - la moglie, il marito

girlfriend, boyfriend - la fidanzata, il fidanzato

More Verbs

work (as in a person working) - lavorare

work (meaning “to function”, e.g. “the TV works”) - funzionare

see - vedere

use - usare

should - dovere

believe - credere

practice - praticare

seem - sembrare

come - venire

leave - lasciare

return - ritornare (come back), restituire (give back)

give - dare

take - prendere

bring - portare

look for - cercare

find - trovare

get (meaning “obtain”) - ottenere

receive - ricevere

buy - comprare

try - provare

start - iniziare

stop (doing something) - smettere

finish - finire

continue - continuare

wake up - svegliarsi

get up - alzarsi

eat - mangiare

eat breakfast - fare colazione

eat lunch - pranzare

eat dinner - cenare

happen - succedere, capitare

feel - sentire

create (aka “make”) - creare

cause (aka “make”) - causare

meet (meeting someone for the first time) - conoscere

meet (meaning “to bump into”) - incontrare

meet (an arranged meeting) - avere un appuntamento

ask (a question) - chiedere

ask for (aka “request”) - richiedere

wonder - domandarsi, chiedersi

reply - rispondere

mean - voler dire, significare

read - leggere

write - scrivere

listen - ascoltare

hear - sentire

remember - ricordare

forget - dimenticare

choose - scegliere

decide - decidere

be born - nascere

die - morire

kill - uccidere

live - vivere

stay - stare, restare

change - cambiare

help - aiutare

send - inviare, mandare

study - studiare

improve - migliorare

hope - sperare

care - tenere a qualcosa/qualcuno, interessare/si

Phrases

hello - ciao

goodbye - arrivederci

thank you - grazie

you’re welcome - prego

excuse me (to get someone’s attention) - mi scusi, mi perdoni

sorry - mi dispiace, scusa

it’s fine (response to an apology) - non importa

please - per favore

yes - sì

no - no

okay - va bene

My name is - Mi chiamo

What’s your name? - Come ti chiami?

Nice to meet you. - Piacere di conoscerti

How are you? - Come stai?, Come va?

I’m doing well, how about you? - Io sto bene, e tu?

Sorry? / What? (if you didn’t hear something) - Scusa?, Cosa?, Come?, Eh?

How do you say ______? - Come si dice _______?

What does ______ mean? - Cosa vuol dire _____ ?

I don’t understand. - Non capisco.

Could you repeat that? - Puoi ripetere?

Could you speak more slowly, please? - Puoi parlare più lentamente, per favore?

Well (as in “well, I think…”) - Beh

Really? - Davvero?

I guess that - Credo che...

It’s hot. (talking about the weather) - Fa caldo

It’s cold. (talking about the weather) - Fa freddo

—

source - @funwithlanguages​

Notice that 3rd singular person is used to speak in a formal way, while the 2nd singular person is more informal, so remember to check verbal conjugations as well according on that. Also, there might be more ways to translate a word, this is especially caused by all the dialects Italy is filled with (some idiomatic words are now used also in common Italian sometimes, as for girlfriend/boyfriend for example) but also according to the context: if you want to know more, feel free to check others vocabularies you can find on our blog and our grammar masterpost or just send an ask. Being this a list of 300 basic words, I won’t add too many ways to say something, but the most common one/s.

[olicitysecretsanta]

Freeze Frame, Pause, Rewind, Stop

Hi, Ali ( @olicitysmoaky ) :-) Happy holidays and also happy belated birthday!!! You’ll see that I pretty much completely missed the mark concerning your suggestions (even though I did avoid your no-nos!), but I hope you’ll still enjoy this little monster of a fic!! This one may take some time to get through, but I’ve had a blast writing it and just couldn’t seem to stop myself ;-) Happy reading, happy holidays and a happy new year!! -Bri @bri617aroundtheworld

P.S.: Title inspired by P!nk’s song “For Now”

⁂⁂⁂

Felicity brushed a few errand snowflakes off her coat when she stepped into Table Salt. The upscale restaurant was bustling with positive energy and laughter-filled chatter. She hadn’t been here very often, due to the fact that it was quite expensive, but the few business dinners she’s had here were making her lick her lips in anticipation of the delicious food and wine, despite the big question mark that was her date for the night.

Gosh, there were so many things she’d rather be doing on the second night of Hanukkah.

A few years ago, she’d sworn to her best friend she’d never go on another blind date in her life, but when her grandma had sprung this thing on her earlier in the day, she’d found herself unable to say no.

“Good evening, Miss. Welcome to Table Salt,” the maître d’ greeted her with a kind smile, motioning for an attending to take her coat. “How may I be of assistance?”

“Hi, thank you. I have a reservation. Smoak, table for two?” she replied, hoping her grandma’s instructions were correct. How in the world she got a last minute reservation here was beyond her.

His eyes lit up in recognition and he nodded eagerly. “Ah, yes, of course, Ms. Smoak. Your dinner companion arrived a few minutes ago. If you follow me, I’ll be happy to show you to your table. Right this way.”

Quickly falling in stride with the older man, she swallowed down the new wave of nervousness that threatened to pull her under. Her date was already here. So much for her plan to take a few minutes to settle in, maybe enjoy a glass of wine to calm her nerves.

Weaving through the already occupied tables, she was too absorbed with not tripping and making sure her dress wasn’t riding up, otherwise she might’ve seen the train wreck coming. But by the time she arrived at her table and her eyes fell on her supposed dinner companion, it was already too late.

No fucking way.

This must be a mistake.

She will kill her grandma.

“Mr. Queen, your dinner companion has arrived,” the maître d’ alerted the man sitting at her table, who was focused on his phone. Of course, he was. Ignorant asshole.

Seemingly on autopilot, he got up from his chair, still typing away on his device before finally looking up when the maître d’ turned back to her, pulling out her chair. “Please have a seat, Ms. Smoak. Your grandmother already arranged for you to be served our classic three-course house special, but I’ll send a waiter your way to take your drink orders. Have a pleasant evening.”

She didn’t even have time to protest or bring up her hope that this was a misunderstanding before the older man vanished, probably sensing the immense displeasure radiating from both of them.

From across the table, slunk down in his chair again, Oliver stared at her in shock. “Felicity?”

“The one and only.”

Ugh, what a stupid thing to say. But before she could go on an epic ramble to correct her lame statement, the jerkwad opposite her cut in.

“Are you sure you’re at the right table? I’m supposed to meet someone.”

“Am I sure that my grandmother somehow managed to guilt-trip me into a blind date with the one guy I’d never voluntarily go on a date with?” she asked exasperatedly, silently cursing her conniving grandma. “Unfortunately, the answer to that is yes.”

“Wait. Your grandma… and my grandma… set us up?” he probed, eyebrows drawn together as he put two and two together.

“Seems like it,” she agreed, the beginnings of a headache settling in the back of her skull. “What did your grandma tell you?”

“That she wagered a date with me in a round of poker with her friends and she lost, so I had to come here to meet the granddaughter of one of her friends.”

“Yup. That sounds familiar.”

Damnit, grandma.

⁂ ⁂⁂ ⁂⁂⁂ 5 hours earlier

“You did what?”

“I won you a date with a very nice young man,” her grandma told her again with a calm voice, like this was something that happened every day.

“That’s not a thing, bubbe. You don’t just win dates for your granddaughter, or anyone else for that matter. People meet and decide to go on dates, not have it decided for them like they’re just two pawns in a game of chess.”

“What was I supposed to do? It was Gloria’s idea. She ran out of money during our poker night and asked if it was okay to wager a date with her grandson. Everybody agreed that it was fine, because, of course, we’ve all seen pictures of him and I knew he was just the right guy for you. It took some serious bluffing to get everybody else to fold, but you don’t mess with a Vegas girl.”

“And now, I have to go on a date with some guy I’ve never met before?”

“How’s that different from all those dating snaps you young people have?”

“Dating apps,” Felicity sighed. “And I wouldn’t know, because I don’t use them.”

“Which is why you haven’t got laid in way too long,” her grandma mumbled nonchalantly.

“Bubbe!” She turned to the older woman with wide eyes.

“Oh, come on, honey, it’s not a secret that you haven’t had sex since you broke up with that Willy guy almost a year ago, is it?”

How did she even know that?

“His name was Billy, and who says I haven’t had sex since him? And oh my god, why am I actually talking about this with you?”

“It’s healthy to talk about sex, sweetheart. I have no idea where you got your prudishness from.”

Not from your part of the family, that much is clear.

“Can we stop talking about my sex life and get back to the problem at hand? I don’t wanna go on a date with this mystery grandson of your friend. How do you know he’s a nice guy? Every grandmother loves their grandchildren and boasts about them. So, what if this guy is actually the biggest creep? What if he’s a criminal? At least give me his name, so I can run a quick background check on him.”

“I promise you that he’s a good guy, Felicity. I wouldn’t ask you to go on this date with him otherwise.”

“But why should I go in the first place? I’m sure this guy is just as unhappy to be a pawn in his grandmother’s game as I am. Can’t we just skip the inevitable awkwardness and get to the never seeing each other part already?”

“Because you never go out anymore. You just work, work, and work even more. And I’m worried you’ll look back in a few years and regret not having been more spontaneous and only concentrating on your work and being unhappy,” her grandma insisted, patting her cheek gently.

That gave her some pause. Yes, she was definitely working a lot at the moment, being no stranger to clocking 14 and 15 hours every day, even throwing in a few Saturdays every month. But that didn’t automatically equal being unhappy.

“I love you, bubbe, I really do. And I love that you worry about me, but you really don’t have to,” she replied calmly, hoping her grandmother could tell she was being absolutely serious. “I love my job. I love most of my colleagues. I get to make a difference in the world and that makes me happy.”

“But wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to share that happiness with? Someone to come home to? Someone to share your success with?”

“Nice? Sure. But not necessary. I’m happy being single right now.” Before her grandma could object, she quickly added, “That’s not to say I wanna stay single forever, but, at the moment, I don’t have the time to be in a relationship.”

For a second, it looked like she’d actually managed to convince Freida Smoak. Just for a second. “Fine, no relationship then. But what about casual sex? Surely, you can make some time for that…”

“Oh my god,” Felicity exclaimed, more exasperated than ever, turning to the third Smoak woman in the room who’d remained suspiciously silent throughout this extremely uncomfortable conversation. “Some help, mom?”

“Sure, honey,” Donna said with a serene smile. “Should I put two or three condoms in your purse?”

“You’re both unbelievable,” Felicity groaned, finally resigning herself to the fact that she couldn’t win an argument against the two of them when they ganged up on her like this. “When and where am I meeting this guy?”

It was just one date. What could possibly go wrong?

⁂⁂⁂ ⁂⁂ ⁂

⁂⁂⁂ ARROW ⁂⁂⁂

“I think I’ll just leave,” Felicity contemplated out loud, gaining his attention. “We can just lie to them and say we had a decent time, but nothing more would come of this. Right? Then we don’t have to sit here and pretend not to have a miserable time with each other.”

Oliver raised an eyebrow at her and let his eyes glide past her, hastily pasting on a fake smile that he hoped looked like he was having a good time. “Too late, because my grandma and mother just walked in and they definitely saw us,” he pressed out between gritted teeth.

“Why would your grandma and mother be here?” she hissed, her head whipping around to spot the woman in question.

He shifted in his seat, suddenly even more uncomfortable than before. “Well, I wasn’t exactly too enthusiastic when she told me about this date earlier and I think they just wanted to check that I actually showed up.”

Felicity snapped her mouth shut, cocking her head curiously. “Well, we could still leave and say we skipped dinner in favor of dessert,” she suggested with a shrug, before adding quietly, “That was my grandma’s plan all along anyway.”

Wait, what?

“You need your grandma’s meddling to get laid?”

“No,” she said, maybe a hair too quickly and defensively. There was definitely more to that than she was willing to share. “And who are you to judge, Mr. My-grandma-got-me-a-date-and-is-now-following-me-to-make-sure-I-have-a-good-time?” she added, more confidently this time.

Point taken.

He pressed his lips together. If there was one thing concerning Felicity Smoak he had major problems with was his love/hate relationship with whenever she called him on his shit. If mostly for the fact that he wasn’t used to that sort of behavior from non-family members. At work, most people were so intimidated by his last name that barely anyone ever dared to contradict him.

But, alas, Felicity Smoak wasn’t most people. He had to learn that the hard way very early on.

From day one, working in accounting had been a depressing, soul sucking exercise of patience and perseverance. He didn’t want to be there and the department head didn’t want him to be there either, but it had been his father’s brilliant idea to let him rotate through all essential departments of the company before establishing him in an executive position. Supposedly, that would give him the necessary holistic know-how to one day take over as CEO.

Five years ago, Oliver had relented when faced with the very real threat of being cut off financially from his parents unless he got his act together. Since then, he’d worked in a handful of different departments and even in overseas offices. Much to his surprise, he’d actually enjoyed the work. That was until he got transferred to accounting.

He’d been miserable at first, but then his boss had put him in charge of managing the IT department’s budget. And that’s where he’d crossed paths with Felicity Smoak, chief technological officer.

The only way he could describe her was as a spit fire.

She was the youngest CTO in the history of the company thanks to her double master’s degree from MIT at the tender age of 19 and her rapid, subsequent rise through the ranks at QC. Everybody he talked to about her could barely stop singing her praises because, apparently, she was perfect.

Admittedly, he himself had to work hard not to be drawn in by her natural charm at first, but that had quickly turned into complete disdain whenever he met her. Thanks, mom and dad, for the inferiority complex at work.

He hated her perfectly designed PowerPoint presentations, her insane confidence when speaking in front of executives, her stupidly brilliant ideas that would shape the future of the company, and her ray-of-sunshine positivity that lit up every room she entered. He fucking hated it all.

But what he hated most was that he was attracted to her. She was so goddamn smart and beautiful –good god, her legs were a work of art, and her ass should have its own religion and be worshipped everyday— and refreshingly honest that it almost overshadowed his immense dislike of everything else.

Almost.

But it wasn’t quite enough to keep his petulant, childish side from pointing out every little flaw he could find and make her life harder. Which, in turn, had turned into her making his life harder.

He was pretty sure that if they didn’t have all this shit between them, they could actually be friends… or more. Maybe this was fate giving him a second chance.

“No wonder you need your grandma’s help to score a date if this is how you treat women,” her voice ripped him out of his musings, reminding him that he totally ignored her for the past few minutes. “You know what, I think I’ll just go. I’ll make up an excuse about having a migraine or something.”

“No, wait,” he hurried to say, making a potentially life changing decision when he saw her moving from her seat. “Stay.” He covered her hand with his larger one on the table between them, pleasantly surprised when she stopped her retreat.

Maybe this was the perfect opportunity to finally make a change, put all of their grievances with each other behind them and turn their relationship around. Even if nothing more would come of it, it would certainly help to have a little less hostile work environment. Worst case scenario: everything stayed the same. Surely, this was worth a shot.

Her confused eyes moved slowly from their connected hands to his face.

“What are you doing?”

“Right, sorry.” He removed his hand, holding it up in defense. “Why don’t you stay? It’s just one dinner. We’ve done dinner before, right?”

“Yes, business dinners with plenty of other people who kept us from biting each other’s heads off,” she reminded him.

“Okay, fine, but still… we’re adults. We can mange to sit through a dinner together, right? Then neither of us has to lie to our grandmas and we can move on with our lives. I promise to be a better dinner companion than the past ten minutes.”

He was surprised to realize how much he actually wanted her to stay. Maybe his patent-pending Billion Dollar Oliver Queen Smile would help sway her.

Nope. The suspicious frown on her face told him otherwise.

“You’re paying, right?” she finally said, leaning back in her seat. “Because I’m gonna need a lot of really good wine to get through this night.”

“You can have all the wine,” he promised just as their waiter came around with a bottle of red and two salads.

“So, you’re just stingy about giving me money when we’re at work?”

And here we go, he thought.

“You really wanna talk about work?”

“Well, yeah. Why not? It’s not like this is a real date, so we might as well talk about you being a jerk to me all the time at work.”

“I’m not a jerk. I’m being a responsible accountant,” he shot back semi-truthfully. He knew he purposely was a jerk to her, but also to everybody else who didn’t do their work right.

“You’ve blocked literally every single budget proposal I’ve submitted since you started working in accounting,” she said, her voice accusatory.

He had already decided to try and mend fences, so he should probably tell her the truth instead of antagonize her like he usually did, right?

“Because you cut corners and submit incomplete paperwork. And you always use way too bloated calculations to justify the insane amounts you ask for,” he reasoned, pointing his fork at her before digging into his salad.

“I do not.”

“Yes, you do.”

“So, why did your predecessor have no problem greenlighting my budgets?” she challenged, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“I’m going out on a limb here, but I’d guess that he probably wanted to get in your pants.”

“No, he didn’t,” she denied vehemently.

“Really?” His eyebrows shot up. “He never asked you out? He never used the excuse of getting dinner or drinks to discuss your proposals? Never found a way to get you alone for a few minutes when you were out with work friends?”

“I…” She considered his words, cocking her head. “That was only…” She trailed off with a frown.

He knew he got her. “I went back and checked every proposal you filed before I got there. None of them were complete and none of them should’ve been granted.”

“And instead of just telling me this ten months ago, you thought it would be fun to make my life hell?” she questioned angrily. “Do you know how much shit I could’ve gotten done for the company this year, how much money I could’ve made if you hadn’t blocked my funding?”

“Your overblown funding, you mean,” he corrected her quickly. “I actually went ahead and ran your projects through the cost analyses that you were supposed to do, but didn’t do. With your projected costs, none of them would’ve broken even in the first fifteen years. They were good ideas, but that’s shitty business, which is why I felt quite justified in rejecting your proposals.”

“Again, why didn’t you just tell me?” she asked with an annoyed sigh, which he counted as silent acknowledgement of him being right. It was all about the small victories.

“I did. In the beginning, at least.”

Her eyebrows drew together as she contemplated his answer. “You rubbed it in my face that I didn’t get the money I asked for.”

“I’ll admit to getting some satisfaction out of the QC wonder child being bad at one thing, but I did offer to explain the correct process to you and you shut me down. Repeatedly.”

“Because you were being sleazy about it and making it very obviously sound like that was just an excuse to get me into your bed.”

He considered her answer, thinking back to the time her offered his help. “Fine,” he conceded, “my offer might’ve not been entirely without ulterior motives… but it wasn’t for the reason you think.”

“Then why?” She sounded genuinely curious, most of her anger having vanished.

“It was more a ploy to show that the wonder child wasn’t perfect. Show that you had flaws that couldn’t simply be overlooked,” he admitted.

“You keep calling me wonder child. What’s up with that?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he grimaced, scratching the back of his neck. Old habits die hard. “That’s the nickname Thea and I gave you.”

“Explain?” She was surprisingly calm about the whole thing, seeming open and interested in his response.

“I think it’s no secret that my parents like you. They like how smart you are, how mature and ambitious. They think you’re perfect. And they never fail to rub your achievements in our faces. At virtually every dinner it’s, ‘did you hear Felicity did this?’, and, ‘oh Felicity did that.’ They kinda established you as the golden standard of what success should look like, reminding both Thea and me that we’re far from that. And as petty and childish as it sounds and is, it felt good to see you fail at something that for once I was better at.”

Huh, no wonder she called him a jerk. He really was one.

“Wow… of all the reasons I suspected why you disliked me, this one never came to mind.”

They continued their dinner mostly in silence, sipping leisurely on their wines, doing some casual small talk here and there. Only when their waiter cleared the table, taking their orders for dessert, did Felicity break the increasingly prolonged and suffocating silence.

“Why did you tell me now?”

That was a good question. Why did he tell her?

“I don’t know. Because you asked?”

“I never asked before?”

“Not that I could recall, but then, usually, when we talk, things spin out of control pretty quickly.”

“Huh…”

He licked his lips and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for being an ass.”

Her eyes widened in surprise, clearly not having expected an apology. But that was what she deserved and what he definitely owed her.

Not giving her a chance to recover, he continued, “I never truly realized how incredibly stupid my reasons were until I verbalized them just now. It seemed to make sense to me in the beginning, but I now realize just how unnecessarily mean and asinine I’ve treated you just because I have validation issues with my parents. You shouldn’t have been dragged into that mess and your work definitely shouldn’t have suffered because I felt inadequate in their eyes.”

“That… I…” She blinked a few times, grasping for words. “I really don’t know what to say.”

“Well, luckily our desserts are coming, so you don’t have to say anything,” he chuckled, feeling lighter than before, like this apology was something that had just been weighing on his chest, waiting to get lifted off.

And even beyond that it felt weirdly liberating to have everything out in the open. He was honest when he said he’d never realized how bad his behavior had gotten until he replayed everything in his head and said the explanation out loud. It was stupid and really childish, and he really couldn’t blame her if she didn’t accept his apology.

“I’m sorry, too,” she finally blurted out.

“I really don’t see what you could apologize for,” he pointed out, confused. “You’re kinda the victim in all this. I mean, you were always confronting me at work and pushing my buttons and swamping me with useless budget proposals, but other than that you’re the innocent party here.”

“Not entirely. I…”– she hesitated –“… retaliated.”

“You… what?”

“I might’ve been responsible for your computer troubles, and your phone crashing all the time, and I kinda hacked your car’s onboard computer to only play holiday music during the summer.”

“That was you?”

“Mhhmmm…” she hummed, pursing her lips in semi-guilt and semi-mirth, before squeezing his hand. “I am sorry, though,” she quickly assured him. “Admittedly, only after hearing your reasons for being a dick— before that I felt quite justified. But I get disappointed parents who hold you to an unattainable standard and expect things from you. So, while I don’t approve of you taking out your grievances with them on me, I do kinda understand it.”

“And I understand why you felt the need to retaliate,” he assured her with a smile, still a bit baffled that she was behind his latest tech troubles.

“Did we just agree on something?”

“Seems like it, doesn’t it?”

She just hummed in response, slowly withdrawing her hand from his.

“So, where do we go from here?”

“We could try to be… friendly?” he suggested with a shrug.

“Friendly?”

“Yeah, you know, stop with the getting in the way and stepping on each other’s toes at every turn thing, and start being civil with each other.”

“I’d like that,” she said after thinking about it for a second.

“Good. Me, too.” He raised his glass of wine. “I’m guessing toasting to being friends would be a little presumptuous.”

She clinked her glass against his, a beautiful smile playing on her lips. “To colleagues who don’t hate each other anymore and may turn into friends in the future.”

“That’s a mouthful, but I’ll definitely take it.”

⁂⁂⁂ ARROW ⁂⁂⁂

One year later

As per usual around this time of year, the Queen Mansion had been turned into a winter wonderland, tastefully and ornately decorated to reflect Moira Queen’s impeccable taste. Maybe the most surprising thing about this party, considering all the fanfare on the grounds, was that it was a super lowkey, albeit insanely exclusive, affair.

She’d been surprised when she’d gotten an invitation, despite Oliver’s very excited announcement a few days before the arrival of the formal invitation. This wasn’t just any Christmas party. This was the Queen Family Christmas Party. From what she’d heard, the guest list usually didn’t exceed 60 people and typically consisted mostly of family and very close family friends.

So why was she here? Because she’d become really close friends with Oliver over the course of the last year, ever since their grandmothers had set them up for a blind date. It had started out cautiously, both of them unsure how to handle their new dynamic. But soon enough, smiles and nods while passing each other in the office and civilized work discussions had turned into her taking Oliver up on his previous offer to teach her about the budget proposal process and all the pesky, little, but necessary analyses and documents. Even after he’d moved on from the accounting department a few months after their blind date, he’d kept giving her advice and she’d kept running ideas by him.

When he started his new position as VP and, as a consequence, they didn’t see each other as often anymore during the day, they started going to lunch together a few times every week. That turned into movie nights, cooking at home, merging their groups of friends, and just hanging out together for the biggest parts of their free time.

So, maybe calling them really close friends wasn’t really cutting it. They were best friends. And as unbelievable as it would’ve sounded a year ago, she couldn’t and never wanted to imagine a life without Oliver in it.

“You’re here,” Oliver’s voice greeted her before she could even knock on the door.

“Of course.” She stepped on her toes to hug him tightly. “You’ve hyped this day up so much in the past weeks that I have rather high expectations now.”

“And they won’t be disappointed, I promise. Today will be awesome.”

“Well, then lead the way,” she said, finally disentangling from him. “Where can I put my stuff?”

“Right.” He clapped his hands together, buzzing with excitement. “You can leave your coat on. We’ll just put your things in my room and head right outside for the buffet.”

She pressed her lips together, watching the glint in his eyes. “You’re really excited, aren’t you?”

He licked his lips, his wide grin softened into an honest smile, eyes twinkling with happiness. “I’m just really happy to have you here this year.”

This sappy sucker! Going around melting her heart.

She stepped up to him again, pressing her lips against his jaw. “Shall we get this party started, then?”

⁂⁂⁂

A few hours later, party in full swing, Felicity was having the time of her life. Christmas might not have been her holiday, but the Queens sure knew how to make it a joyous occasion for everyone.

The afternoon had started with coffee, tea, and a huge buffet of cakes and all sorts of Christmas cookies set up in a spacious, beautifully decorated tent out on the grounds. The guests had mingled in the relaxed atmosphere, all adhering to the informal dress code Moira had mandated.

After a couple of hours of mingling in the warmth of the tent, some of the guys had gotten organized into two teams to start the annual backyard pond hockey game. Snuggled into her thick coat and with a steaming mug of mulled wine between her fingers, Felicity sat down on a bench close to the ice, watching Oliver glide effortlessly over the slick surface during warm ups.

Damn, that man could rock a Christmas sweater.

“Hey, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Jenna,” a beautiful brunette woman said, plopping down next to Felicity.

“Oh, hi. I’m Felicity,” she greeted with a polite smile and turned back to the ice.

“So, which one is yours?”

“Excuse me?”

“Which of the guys is yours?”

“I…” She looked at Jenna questioningly.

The other woman huffed out a breath. “My husband, Stuart, is the guy in the brown sweater and my son is the little guy behind the goal back there.” She motioned to a young boy of about 9 or 10 who was surprisingly steady on his skates. “Who are you cheering on?”

“Oh, uh… guy in the green sweater,” Felicity said.

“You’re Oliver’s girlfriend?”

“What? No. Noooo, god no,” she quickly denied with a snort. “We’re friends.”

“Riiiight.” Jenna nodded with an arched eyebrow, clearly not believing her.

The game started, saving her from any more flailing justifications of her friendship with Oliver. Because that’s all there was. Friendship! Not that she wasn’t used to people assuming there was more –that happened all the time when they went out together— but it was just people’s small mindedness when it came to the old notion of men and women being incapable of being just friends.

Sure, their own group of friends joked all the time that Oliver and her routinely acted more like an old married couple, but that just spoke to the familiarity and trust they had in each other, okay?!

And, okay fine, they might’ve had some close brushes with trampling over the line when they’d had a little too much to drink, but they’d always stopped themselves before anything could happen. And either way, they just had a very tactile and trusting relationship. Uhh, friendship!

A pained yell, followed by sickening thud, ripped her out of her musings and she focused back on the ice where a huddle of players had formed around another player that was lying on the ground. A player in a dark green sweater. Shit! Oliver!

She bolted up from her seat, eating up the distance to the ice, only slowing down when she slipped and almost crashed. Sliding to a stop next to Oliver’s prone body, the ice beneath her knees digging right through the thin layer of her pants.

“Oliver? Oliver!” she urged, cold fingers skidding over his face. “Come one, wake up!”

“Miss?” a voice behind her asked. “Could you please take step back? I’m the Queen family physician.” When she scooted back enough for him to take a closer look without letting go off Oliver’s hand, the older man she recognized as one of the guests turned to someone else, “Andrew, could you please keep pressure on that wound?”

Wound? What wound?

Finally ripping her worried gaze from his pale face, she let her eyes wander down his body, frantically looking for any visible injuries. Her stomach dropped when she reached his thigh where another man was pressing against a wound, his hands covered in blood.

No, she couldn’t lose him.

He had to be okay.

She wasn’t sure if she made a distressed sound, but the doctor turned his eerily calming gaze to her, giving her a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, Miss, he’ll be just fine. The wound isn’t too deep and the fall just knocked him out. You should have him back by your side in no time.”

⁂⁂⁂

She was tired. God, she was so damn tired.

Oliver had woken up after only a couple of minutes of being unconscious, but to treat the cut on his thigh, left there by the blade of someone else’s skate he’d collided with, he’d been given a mild sedative and local anesthesia.

It had only been about half an hour since the accident, but it felt like hours had passed. She felt drained of all energy. So completely exhausted from worrying about him.

For a second, seeing him lying there, unconscious and pale, lifeless, she’d thought the worst. For a second, her best friend was gone.

For a second, the man she…

The man she… what?

No, don’t do it, Felicity. Don’t be a cliché. Don’t be one of those people that needs a tragedy to realize how they really feel about someone.

Even though, technically, that wasn’t quite the case. She definitely knew how she felt about Oliver. She’d just never admitted it out loud, because that would open a Pandora’s box of epic proportions. She really couldn’t go down that road. Not with his baggage. And her baggage. And the fact that they still kinda worked together. It was just unthinkable, the notion of them being together, so why think about it at all and agonize over one-sided feelings that would never be reciprocated?

“F’licity?”

“I’m here.”

“My head hurts,” he mumbled, eyes still closed.

She traced his cheek with her fingertips. “I know. Try to get a little more rest, okay?”

“Mhhh,” he hummed, his eyes blinking slowly open. “You okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine”— her fingers stilled on his skin —“just focus on yourself, alright?”

“Always think of you,” he mumbled, turning his face into her touch, letting first his stubble and then his soft lips drag along her fingers. “Sorry for scaring you.” He was becoming a little more lucid, keeping his eyes open a for a few seconds at a time.

“And how would you know you scared me and probably took five years off of me?” she asked, unable to hide her smile.

“Because I know you,” he sighed. “You always worry about me.”

“Yes, and my sanity and life expectancy would appreciate it if you never scared me like that again,” she scolded him gently, tapping his nose.

“I’ll do my best.”

“You better. I can’t bear the thought of losing you.”

“I’ll always be with you,” he whispered with a dopey grin, sleep dragging him back under. “Stay with me?” he asked, moving the edge of his blanket out of the way, making space for her.

For the life of her, she couldn’t resist. There were very few things in this world that were better than falling asleep in Oliver Queen’s arms, so she wasn’t about to pass on his invitation.

“Rest, Oliver. I’ll be here.”

⁂⁂⁂ ARROW ⁂⁂⁂

1 week later

New Year’s Eve.

His favorite excuse to get drunk and make out with random women.

At least it used to be.

Now, it was a different story.

He’d come to appreciate the occasion for what it was: the end of one year and the beginning of a new one. An evening of dreams and hopes and endless possibilities. Especially, tonight.

Wow, when had he turned into such a sap? And when did he stop minding that he was?

“You look dapper,” Felicity greeted him. Yup, there was his answer.

He turned to her, trying and probably failing to school his features at the sight of her. “And you look beautiful,” he told her, bending down to kiss his best friend’s cheek in greeting, not missing the slight blush his words provoked.

“Always sweet-talking,” she teased him, straightening his tie with practiced ease. “What did I miss?”

“Nothing, really,” he sighed, wisely deciding not to tell her about the numerous attempts of some of the guests of hitting on him in not so subtle ways. Whenever she witnessed that kind of behavior around him she always rolled her eyes, showing those tiny sparks of jealousy.

“You’ll work yourself to death one of these days.” He was only half joking, mostly genuinely worried that all the overtime she’d been clocking this year was finally going to take a toll on her health.

“You know me, when I get in the zone I can’t help myself,” she played off his concern.

“So, I’m guessing you won’t make a new year’s resolution to work less next year?”

“I will actually,” she told him, with a smirk, knowing full well she’d managed to surprise him.

“Really?” Yeah, he’d only believe that when he saw it.

“Really. Don’t sound so shocked. I’m well aware that I’ve been stretching myself thin this year,” she said, entwining their fingers. “I got swept up in the excitement of the new project and focused most of my time on it. I know I still got to spend plenty of my free time with my friends, but I also noticed that I said ‘no’ more often than before because some nights I was just too tired or still stuck in the office. I’m determined to make a change next year.”

“Does that mean I’ll get to spend more time with you?” he asked cheekily, happy to hear she did actually have every intention to take better care of herself.

“If you play your cards right.” She smiled up at him. “But I gotta warn you, Cait has already claimed every second and third Friday of the month for girl’s nights.”

He frowned. “That’s a lot of Fridays.”

“It is,” she agreed. “But I’m open for negotiations. If you can make me a better offer, I might reconsider.”

“I do believe I have the better wine. And I’ll cook for you.”

“Mhhh, that might just do the trick.”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Tommy cut in from the side, looking not even a little sorry for the rude intrusion, “but I just had to come over and tell you how ravishing you look tonight, Felicity. You clearly dressed to impress and I for one am very impressed.”

“Tommy,” Felicity acknowledged his unwelcome arrival, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly at Oliver for his best friend’s typical comment, “always a pleasure to see you.”

“Don’t sound too enthusiastic, Ms. Smoak. I know I’m interrupting your little”—he gesticulated at them wildly—“thing, but my mother has asked me to make myself useful and ask someone to dance. Since my girlfriend ditched me on this joyous occasion for a weekend with her friends, I thought you’d be the safest option in this pool of pariahs.”

Oh, buddy.

“Did you just call all these women here pariahs?” she asked with narrowed eyes, very clearly displeased by his choice of words.

“I know that sounds bad,” Tommy allowed, but plowed on, “but you haven’t been here to see how they’ve been circling us with calculating eyes, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on the juicy, fresh pieces of premium steak they think we are.”

“What a terrible burden it must be,” she mocked. “How do you possibly survive being treated like nothing more than a piece of meat? What a horrible thing to do to another human being… Whatever will you do about all this unwanted attention?”

God, Oliver just loved this woman for not letting either of them ever get away with comments like that.

Tommy shifted uneasily, pursing his lips. “You’ve made your point, Smoak. No need to rub it in further. I apologize for my insensitive comparison.”

She smiled brightly at him, patting his cheek. “There may be hope yet.” Turning to Oliver, she held out her clutch. “Can you please hold this while I help Merlyn with his duties?”

“Of course. I’ll be over by the bar,” he said before watching them take off to the dance floor. When Tommy turned around mimicking the motion of cracking a whip towards him, he only dignified it with an eye roll. Jerk.

⁂⁂⁂

Hours later, the party was in full swing and, once again, he found himself in a secluded corner, while Felicity had been whisked away to the dance floor by yet another man. Wasn’t that the theme of the evening? He’d honestly lost count of how many guys she’d danced with after Tommy.

It was 11.40 and he was getting antsy. He had a plan and with every minute that got them closer to midnight, his nerves flared up a little more. And not just his nerves, but also his doubts. Should he do it? Should he risk it? Should he abort his mission like he’d done half a dozen times in the last few months?

Oh, to hell with it.

He was done with this giant ‘what if’ looming over his life. It was time to make a change.

With that thought fueling his confidence, he made his way across the dance floor, tapping Felicity’s current dance partner on the shoulder. “Hey, may I cut in?”

The other man grumbled, but stepped away when Felicity gave him a nod.

Standing in front of her now, in the middle of the dance floor, not moving, felt a little weird, but he didn’t come to dance with her. Not yet. “Hey, can I steal you away for a second?”

“It’s almost midnight,” she reminded him with a frown, cocking her head, trying to figure out what he was up to.

“I know. Just trust me.”

She let a beat pass, pursing her lips. “Fine… Where are we going?”

“The roof.”

“The roof? Oliver it’s freezing outside.”

“We’ll grab our coats. It’ll be fine. Just trust me.”

She sighed exasperatedly at his dodgy behavior and he knew that she wanted to protest some more and prod him for information to solve the mystery he presented her with, but she finally relented. “Fine, lead the way.”

Alright, show time.

She’d only protested mildly when they’d taken the stairs to the door that led to the roof. When they stepped out of the building a brisk gush of cold air caught them, making them both shiver and tighten their coats.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“Alright, you know I’m not good at keeping silent. What are you up to, Queen?” she asked, taking his outstretched hand despite her impatience. “This better be good, I’m freezing my ass off.”

He didn’t say anything, leading her to their right, bringing his surprise into view.

There was a beat of silence before, “Uhm, Oliver?” Her voice sounded hesitant. “What is this?”

“My surprise?”

“Oh-kay…” she drawled out, apparently unsure what to make of this. “And you want to me to check if this is okay for your date?” There was something in her tone that he’d rarely heard from her in the past year, ever since they started being friends: annoyance.

Het let his eyes glide over his setup in confusion. With Thea’s help he’d brought up a plethora of blankets and pillows, arranging them in the middle of a sea of little lanterns that were twinkling in the dark night. Next to the blankets was a bottle of champagne and a couple of glasses, as well as some of the party’s hors d’oeuvres to snack on. Wasn’t it abundantly clear what he was trying to do?

“Uhh, what?”

“You brought me here to see if this was romantic enough for whomever you plan to bring up here?”, she inquired, her tone nipping.

“What? No!” He stared at her, completely bewildered. Did she really not piece this together on her own? “This is for you.”

A beat of silence.

“Me? Really?” She stared right back, eyes wide with confusion. “Oliver, this is clearly meant to be some sort of romantic gesture.”

“Yeah, it is.” He huffed out a frustrated breath. God, okay, he could admit that this didn’t go as planned and maybe he did this all wrong. “It’s for you. There’s no one else I wanted to bring up here. Just you.”

“But… why?”

Man, she was really making this a lot harder than he’d anticipated.

“I thought this would be a romantic setting to ask you out. You know, watch the fireworks from up here. Ring in the new year.” That was generally considered romantic, right?

“Ohhh.” Her eyes widened.

“Yeah,” he sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “I see now that I should’ve maybe used more words to set this up, but I can do that now.” He turned to her, taking her hands in his. “Felicity, I know we had kind of a weird start with our little feud in the office and then our grandmothers setting us up on the blind date, but I feel like we’ve come a long way since then.

“You’re one of my best friends and I’ve realized over the last few months that I feel a lot more for you than just friendship. So, I was wondering if maybe you felt the same and if you’d like to go on a date with me. A real one this time. No meddling grandmas.” He smiled brightly at her, hoping she could see how serious he was.

She stared at him for a few, long, excruciating seconds, opening and closing her mouth a couple of times without any sound coming out.

She was clearly surprised by his words, but it was the next emotion that crossed her face that made his heart plummet. Apprehension.

Well, shit. She was going to turn him down.

“I like you, Oliver,” she finally whispered, frantically looking for the right words to break his heart. “I really do. I love having you as my friend.” She wiggled one of her hands out of his grasp, laying it flat against his chest, as if that could somehow prevent his heart from breaking into little pieces. “I just… I don’t see you… us… as something more. I don’t think that would work. We don’t fit together. We’re so different when it comes to relationships, the idea of you and me being in one seems pretty unthinkable.”

Unthinkable.

She thought they were unthinkable.

That sounded really damn final.

He closed his eyes, willing his mind and body to keep his disappointed reaction at bay. “Right… uhm…” he trailed off, unsuccessful in his search for words.

Oh, shit what had he done?

Had he really misread her this much? How could he have misjudged their situation like this?

God, he felt like throwing up.

“Oliver.”

He cleared his throat, reluctantly opening his eyes. For the first time in the almost two years that he’d known her, he dreaded the sight of her.

He pasted on a smile that he knew must‘ve looked fake as hell, but it was all he could muster. “It’s… okay, Felicity. I thought you…” He let go of her other hand, bringing it up to scratch his forehead, and cleared his throat again. “I thought there was more, but I guess I… was wrong.” So very, very wrong.

She looked at him with sadness, a hint of doubt in her eyes that would’ve probably given him hope if she hadn’t been so clear a few minutes ago.

“I… I’m sorry, Oliver.”

That coaxed a semi-bitter, semi-disbelieving laugh out of him. “For not feeling the same way? Don’t be.” He meant that. He’d never want her to feel obligated to lie and respond in kind just to please him. “I’m sorry I brought it up. I didn’t mean to put you in an uncomfortable position.”

“No, Oliver, that’s not-“

He cut in, not feeling like he could take her pity, “Can we just… can we just forget the last ten minutes ever happen?” Oh, god, was his voice really quivering as much as it sounded like? “I don’t want my stupidity to hurt our friendship.”

His vision started swimming as the thought of just having lost her manifested in his mind. Being rejected when asking her out was one thing, but completely losing her friendship because he’d put her on the spot, now that was unthinkable.

“Can we please just forget about this?” he pleaded.

She looked like she wanted to protest, but pressed her lips together and nodded.

Good, with any luck, at least there might be a chance to salvage their friendship.

“Come on, I’ll bring you back to the party,” he said, voice still heavy with emotion, but soldiering through.

Once again, she looked hesitant, like something else was burning on her tongue or she might have second thoughts. But she swallowed it down, nodding again and followed him to the door to the staircase.

The walk down to the party was painfully silent and he was more than glad that as soon as they reentered the big, festively decked out conference room, Felicity got whisked away by someone from her department. That gave Oliver the chance to finally take a breath.

With one final look at Felicity across the room, he turned on his heels and went back up into the staircase, tracing back his earlier steps. There was just no way he could be in the same room with her right now, not when all his dreams about them had just crashed and burned so spectacularly.

The wind seemed to greet him with a fiercer bite when he stepped out on the roof for the second time. The cold immediately crept inside his suit, making a shiver run down his spine, but he welcomed the slight burn on his skin this time.

His gaze landed on the setup he’d carefully assembled. He was supposed to be lying there with Felicity, cuddled up, sipping champagne, counting down the minutes to midnight.

Supposed to…

How had everything turned into such a crap-show so quickly?

Tonight was supposed to be a good night, damn it.

One minute, he was happy and hopeful, on the verge of dating the woman of his dreams, and in the next, he was alone.

He plopped down on the mountain of blankets, letting his back hit the cushioned ground, staring up at the night sky. The clouded darkness refused to offer him any answers to his questions.

How had he misread the signs? How had he convinced himself that Felicity had feelings for him, too? And how the hell was he supposed to put this behind them? How was she supposed to put his unwanted advances behind them?

He’d been so caught up in his new-found optimism and feelings for this woman that he never really stopped to consider what kind of an incredibly awkward position he’d put her in. Yeah, sure, he’d considered the possibility of being turned down, but somehow that situation never looked so fucking devastating in his mind. He’d imagined it would hurt and make things a little weird, but the reality felt so much worse.

He felt lost, unsure, confused, disappointed, angry at himself. A tiny part of him was even angry at Felicity for not feeling the same, even though he knew that wasn’t fair. People couldn’t be forced to love someone.

Fuck, he’d been so sure that there was something brewing between them. They’d become close pretty quickly and he thought he’d figured her out. Thought he knew her and her tells. Thought he knew how she behaved when she was attracted to someone. But tonight just proved how foolishly wrong he’d been.

Maybe he could go on a prolonged business trip to put some time and distance between them to help make things less awkward. Maybe after a few weeks they could put this behind them and move on. Not that he thought he could just turn off his feelings like that. But he could try. He had to try if he wanted to salvage their friendship. And he did. Life without Felicity was no longer an option. Even if all she would ever feel for him was friendship.

The first thunderous crack and a bright, colorful flash of fireworks going off high above his head ripped him straight out of his thoughts.

Midnight.

Happy New Year, he thought bitterly.

If tonight was any indication of what 2018 would look like, he already dreaded the next 365 days with a vengeance.

He heard the scrunching sound of the gravel that covered the rooftop, alerting him to someone’s arrival. Probably Thea who’d known about his plans and probably wanted to know if he chickened out again after she spotted Felicity at the party when she was supposed to be up here with him. Gosh, he really wasn’t in the mood.

Slamming his eyes shut, he waited for his sister’s disapproving voice to rip into him, but instead he only felt someone sit down next to him. Hey, she was smart, maybe she’d put the pieces together and decided to take it easy on him.

“Oliver.”

That was most definitely not his sister. And it was most definitely the last person’s voice he expected to hear. Felicity.

Ripping his eyes open, he quickly sat up, indeed faced with his blonde friend.

For just one second he felt hope surge through his body until he remembered what she’d said: unthinkable.

One word was enough to crush whatever hope he had left.

Felicity grabbed his hands, clutching them in her shaking ones, and he had to use every ounce of willpower to keep from pulling away.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, sadness and guilt so goddamn clear in her voice.

He laughed bitterly. “Don’t. Please don’t. Literally the only thing that could make me feel worse right now is to get your pity.”

“And what about an apology?” she asked quietly.

“Felicity,” he sighed, getting increasingly frustrated with her. This just felt like she was pouring salt in his wounds. Couldn’t they just move the fuck on? “I told you you have nothing to be sorry for. You don’t feel the same way, and while that does hurt to hear, it’s okay. It sucks. It really, really sucks, but it’s okay. I’ll get over it, I promise! I just need a little bit of time.”

“That’s not…” she sighed, running a hand through her locks. “I lied.”

He looked at her with a frown etched into his forehead, not understanding what she meant.

“Earlier… when I said I didn’t see us as something more, I lied.”

What?

He swallowed hard, willing his brain to catch up and comprehend what was happening. “I don’t understand,” he finally breathed out.

“I panicked. You completely caught me off-guard with this.” She motioned around. “I mean, I really didn’t see any of this coming. Not in a million years. I’ve spent the better part of this year convincing myself that there’d never be more between us. That we’d only ever be friends. That you’d only ever see me as a friend.

“So, when you asked me out, I was so shocked I panicked. I used every defense mechanism I had just in case you were just joking or I was reading into things or this was just one of those spur of the moment things that people come up with when alcohol is flowing and everybody around them is happy and in love.”

“So, you’re saying…” What was she saying? That she felt more for him? That she wanted a do-over? That he wasn’t clear enough with his intentions earlier and she’d misunderstood?

She took a deep breath. “I’m saying that you were right. There is more between us.”

“I… So… Are you sure?” he stuttered, still unable to really catch up with what was happening.

“Yes, I’m sure,” she said, voice so damn steady and sure that he was inclined to believe her, and yet…

“But then why…”

“Because I panicked. Because when you said you felt more, all I could think about was all the different ways I could get hurt. And I know that’s selfish and you didn’t deserve that, but that’s just what happened.”

“I’d never purposely hurt you, Felicity.”

“I know,” she insisted, grimacing. “But then I remembered how my ex told me the exact same thing, and a few weeks later I found him in bed with another woman. And that made me think of some of the things I’ve read about you, and even though I knew it wasn’t a fair comparison, it still stuck.” Her words were slipping out quicker, her breathing unsteady. “I mean, deep down I know you’re not like Billy and I know you’re not like party boy Ollie Queen anymore, but there was still this little voice of doubt and insecurity in my head that I stupidly decided to listen to instead of what my heart was telling me.”

“And what was your heart telling you?” he asked with bated breath.

A smile tugged at her lips. “That none of my doubts or deep-seeded insecurities changed the fact that I’m in love with you.”

He sucked in a breath. Did she just…? Holy crap, she did.

“Felicity…” Please don’t let this be emotions and guilt running high, making her feel like she had to say it.

“No, I’m not just saying it now to make you feel better or because I feel guilty for hurting you earlier by lying to you,” she answered his question before he could even ask, quickly adding, “Even though I do feel really bad about that and I’m sorry.”

She tugged on his hands in emphasis. “I’m telling you because it’s the truth. I don’t really know when it happened, but sometime during the past year I fell in love with you and for too long I let my insecurities and doubts hold me back. I had myself absolutely convinced you’d never see me as more than just a friend. And even if by some miracle you did, that we still wouldn’t work out.

“But now, I’m just so done with living with all these questions and ‘what ifs’ that keep me from living my life to the fullest,” she said with a hopeful smile. “I wanna take this jump with you. Figuratively speaking, obviously, because you know I’m terrified of heights.” That elicited a knowing laugh from him. “I love you,” she continued, more serious, “and I want to be with you and I’m done holding myself back.” The more she spoke the steadier her voice became, until she added, a little more shyly, “If you’ll still have me, that is.”

He blinked a few times, letting her words wash over him, carefully sifting through the onslaught of information.

That was a lot to take in.

First things first, she loved him. As in, she was in love with him. She said so multiple, leaving no doubt in his mind that she was telling the truth.

Second, she was scared because of their individual pasts. That was what held her back before, worrying about ‘what ifs’ and ‘could bes’.”

Third, she wanted to throw caution to the wind and try a relationship with him. She wanted to be with him.

She cleared her throat, licking her lips. “Or you could… think about it,” she said, voice quivering ever so slightly with worry. “Yeah, just think about it. I’m not going anywhere. And I understand that after what I did earlier you need some time to consider this.”

She slowly drew back her hands from his, and only when he was no longer touching her did he realize how long his reaction was taking him.

He breathed out a huff of laughter, suddenly overcome with happiness and the realization that they could be together after all. He leaned forward and framed her face with his hands, not wasting any time, bringing their lips together in a sweet kiss.

He could tell she was surprised by how she momentarily went completely still, her entire body frozen, before she caught herself and her lips started moving against his in a slow torturous rhythm that had him this close to begging for more.

One of his hands trailed down her neck, following her arm down until he found her waist where he pulled her closer, mindful of the somewhat awkward, twisted position they were in. He just needed more. He wanted to feel her body against his and make sure this wasn’t a dream. Make sure that he didn’t just drink the entire bottle of champagne, pass out, and conjure up a universe in his drunk mind where she didn’t reject him.

Her fingernails lightly digging into his scalp made him pause. Holy shit, this was real.

He drew back, putting a few inches of space between them, watching as her eyes sluggishly blinked open. Full blown pupils filled with desire met his. They were both breathing heavily, the rapid puffs of air visible in the sparsely illuminated night.

“Felicity,” he breathed out, dipping back in for another kiss against her now slightly swollen lips. He smiled into the kiss, beyond happy that he could do this now.

She pulled back this time, cradling his head in her hands. “I’ll take that as a yes,” she teased, licking her lips.

Oliver smirked at her. “You can take that as a hell yes,” he corrected her, pulling her closer once again, and this time she helped, hiking up the hem of her dress so she could straddle him. “I love you, Felicity,” he murmured just before their lips met again, slower this time with the knowledge that they had all the time in the world. “You’re crazy if you think that I’ll ever think twice about being with you now that we have everything out in the open. I love you,” he repeated, delighted by how easily the words rolled off his tongue.

“Mhhh,” she hummed against his lips, sending a delicious shiver down his spine. “I love you, too. Thank you for forgiving me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. I sprung this on you completely out of the blue and didn’t consider how much pressure I’d put on you. I’m sure I could’ve found a better way to broach the topic a little more delicately.”

“Just for the record, I do appreciate how much effort you put into this. Who knew you were such a romantic?” she said with an adoring smile, kissing him once more as a reward for his efforts.

He drew back a little, shaking his head and letting out another disbelieving chuckle. What a rollercoaster of a night. He’d gone from cautiously hopeful to devastated to insanely happy. However bumpy their road to this point had turned out to be, he’d do it all again. Even if it were for just one moment of pure bliss like this one with the woman of his dreams in his arms, telling him she loved him.

He let himself fall backwards, Felicity following him, never letting more than a few inches between them as she settled on his stomach, her hair falling like a curtain around his face. “Say it again,” he murmured, already addicted to those three little words tumbling from her lips and the content little smile accompanying them.

She closed the gap once more, immediately knowing what he wanted to hear. “I”—she pressed her lips to his—“love”—another kiss—“you.”

He grinned into the kiss before deepening it, caving into his desire and letting his hands roam over her body. God, he could do that now. He could touch her like this. A realization Felicity had apparently also arrived at, if her wandering hands were anything to go by.

A particularly loud bang from a firework right above their heads startled them apart, both breathing heavily.

“Mhh,” she hummed, shivering slightly, “maybe we should continue this elsewhere. Someplace warmer and more private comes to mind.”

He grinned naughtily at her. “I have a few ideas how to warm you up.”

She chuckled. “I don’t doubt that, but I’d much prefer to continue this in a bed.” She frowned for a second, before amending, “No, actually, I’d just prefer to be in one of our apartments. You can choose the surface.”

He growled, reaching up to kiss her again. “I have so many suggestions, but a warm bed with you in it sounds damn good right about now,” he whispered, also starting to feel the cold night air chilling him to the bone.

Neither of them made any move to get up though, lost in each other’s eyes for a few more peaceful moments of pure and utter happiness.

“Happy New Year, Oliver,” she murmured, sealing her words with another kiss. And god, there was so much more in those words. An unspoken promise of everything that was to come, of so much hope and happiness.

“It will be,” he promised, knowing in his heart that together they’d make this an incredible year. And just the first of many. “Happy New Year, Felicity.”

⁂⁂⁂ ARROW ⁂⁂⁂

“To a job well done,” Gloria Dearden said, raising her martini glass in a celebratory toast.

Freida Smoak was all too happy to clink her own glass against that of her close friend. “It took a little bit longer than anticipated, but I’m very pleased they finally saw the light.” She took a sip of martini, before adding, “Should we tell them that the whole lost poker bet was just a ruse to set them up on a date?”

Gloria shook her head. “I think the better question is what will we do to make sure they don’t take too long to give us great-grandchildren?”

“Well, considering the snail’s pace it took them to go from their first date to being together, we should get started sooner rather than later. We’re not getting any younger, after all.”

“Then let’s get cracking. I already have some splendid ideas.”

“Bring it on, sister.”

⁂⁂⁂

[renegadesepiida]

This weekend I snapped back into the realization that, hey, I like to cook. I haven’t been cooking or eating healthy food for a while just cause I’ve been lazy, which is, of course, not good neither for me nor my wallet. So yesterday I went back to the grocery store and only bought food that I need to make into a meal. There, now, I can’t be as lazy anymore.

This train of thought about food makes me reminisce about meals that I have had in other countries, where people can be a bit more adventurous, or where the diets have evolved differently than ours. While some people will find this a bit shocking and maybe even disgusting I would recommend at least trying any of these tasty “meat” treats. *List in order of least to most odd, according to responses from people when I tell them. And I am not taking fish/sushi or shellfish because, one I’d be here all day [a lot of people don’t really like any seafood :( ] and two, because that’s been a staple of the American diet for a while and I only want to count the meat dishes that I thought were strange when I first tried them.

Escargot

Snails – of course, this dish isn’t uncommon here in the states, in fact, Northern California is where I first sampled it around the age of, maybe, 16(?). Escargot is much more common in France when I was visiting Paris for a week in 2014 with my friend Catherine we would always split the appetizer of 6 snails. The only reason that this makes the list is because a lot of people still look at me funny when I say that I’ve had the dish. While the squishier texture may turn some people off (I enjoy it), c’mon, guys it just tastes like garlic butter.

Goose Liver Pâté

This is another common dish for those rich folks, and while I was in France I wanted to try it, just once. I am not personally in favor of stuffing the life out of the geese or duck or any other bird people choose to do this too, and I even now I don’t know if it makes any of it taste better since I’ve still never had a normal goose or duck liver. Or, really, liver of any kind.

Reindeer/Venison

While deer or venison can be pretty normal with people who hunt, it wasn’t something that I grew up with, so when I tried a piece of deer sausage around the age of 12, without releasing what it was, I enjoyed it. After I found out I was a bit sad, but soon after I didn’t really care. Now, though you can get venison at certain burger places, and it’s good don’t get me wrong, but it’s not quite the same. Reindeer on the other side of the world, Norway is where I had it as a delicious lean steak in a traditional restaurant in Bergen. Reindeer tend to be smaller that other deer, and is less gamey, probably because they have been more or less domesticated.

Moose

Yummy Norwegian moose is the only kind of moose I’ve had. It is tougher and a bit gamier than venison, but still good. I got the purest taste, but I enjoyed it most when it was a meat option on the top of a breakfast “sandwich”. Even wanted to bring some home, but customs doesn’t allow any meat to be brought from Norway, even when it’s store bought and still package sealed.

  Emu

If anyone has ever had ostrich I assume it tastes like that, but I couldn’t say because I haven’t had ostrich. I just know that emu is good; it tasted like beef to me but was stringier. In the Australia of 2010, I had it on a pizza (and picked it off for the single flavor) at a restaurant called The Australian Heritage Hotel.

http://www.gourmantic.com/2011/03/01/australian-heritage-hotel-kangaroo-crocodile-the-rocks/

Never did try crocodile.

Pinnkjøtt

            The traditional Christmas dish, sheep ribs, which my uncle and aunt’s dad once got in the newspaper for is one of the best dishes in the world. While sheep or lamb ribs are common in the US, they aren’t prepared this way. After the main meat has been taken off the leftovers are frozen and then unfrozen and cooked in a big pot for the Christmas dinner feast. While each rib does not have an enormous quantity of meat on each, each bite is well worth it. Melt in your mouth delicious. Pair with mashed turnips (and/or potatoes) and sauerkraut (red and/or white pickled cabbage) or whatever else you want.

http://mylittlenorway.com/2009/12/pinnekjott/

    Armadillo and Coatimundi

Most people know armadillos from the southwestern US and Mexico, but they also are so common in Guatemala that they are eaten there, unlike the countries further north. The white-nosed coati is another mammal species from Guatemala. Every day we would see dozens of these animals sniffing around the forest ground searching for bugs to eat. With their tails in the air, they looked like backward brachiosauruses, adorable. One night when we stayed overnight in the city of Flores, on the island in Lake Petén Itza, during the Guatemalan independence celebration. While celebrations were happening all over the island our group of five went out for dinner. The plan was to follow our professor and guide because they told us that they were going to their favorite restaurant, which has exciting food we should try. After some wandering and hoping we found the right place, we walked through a closed door at the opening of an alley and found that we were in the restaurant the professor mentioned, due to the fact that we could see them sitting and drinking at a table. They informed us which of the dishes we should get. And the five of us ended up splitting a few orders of both. I tasted the armadillo first, and while it wasn’t bad, especially with the sauce, there were so many tiny bones, like a fish and it was gamier than I’d like. That was annoying to me, plus the meat didn’t taste good enough to put up with the bone issue. Moving to the coatis’ meat, wow, that meat was good. Light and tender, with a great sauce and no bones. Perfection.

I can’t say where the restaurant was or what it was even called. So for one of the best meals you may ever have, I wish you and myself (when I can get back) all the luck in the world.

http://www.enjoyguatemala.com/guatemala-lakes/

  Hamam Mahshi

When I mention that I ate pigeon in Egypt, people in the US tend to tilt their head and ask me if that was such a good idea. Of course, it was a great idea, the culture, including around food is different, but the ideas are the same. Unlike in the US pigeons in Egypt are not ‘rats with wings’ as we see them here, in many countries just like in Egypt, pigeons are raised like any other free-range farm animal. The one to two-year-old birds are killed for their meat, while the older ones continue mating, just like we raise cattle or poultry in the US. Except better because they are not fed hormones and such and have large cages outside where they can fly around on the roofs of buildings in the city. The main way to enjoy pigeon is to have it in a soup or get the full bird that has been stuffed with rice after the inside had been cleaned out. I say, at any time you could, try this meal. Not only is it nice to eat, but tearing it apart the correct way is also a fun challenge.

http://www.internationalcuisine.com/egypt-squab/

Kangaroo

Another delicious meat, which I first had at the Australian Heritage Hotel in 2010 on a pizza. Seriously, this was the best meat I have EVER had. It didn’t taste like anything I’ve tried before and then I get asked, “Oh, then, does it taste like chicken?” NO! It’s WAY BETTER than chicken. And I miss it a lot… Most people probably stare at me because of my over the top reaction, but I also get some people trying to guilt me, cause “kangaroos are so cute”. No friends, well yes, but no. In Australia, they are hunted regularly by “Roo Shooters” because of serious overpopulation issues with a few, if any, natural predators that are not extinct. So don’t feel too bad, plus the used the entire animal for other materials (for example a leather hat).

https://www.environment.gov.au/biodiversity/wildlife-trade/publications/kangaroo-shooting-code-compliance/kangaroos#poi

http://blogs.reuters.com/photographers-blog/2013/04/03/a-necessary-evil-the-kangaroo-cull/

  Lutefisk

Literally translated, ‘lye fish’ is a fermented fish dish from Scandinavian countries like Norway and Sweden. It is typically made from cod or another plain white fish that is easy to fish up in the North. When I say the name, listeners usually ask, “What is that?” And then when I respond with “fermented fish” I get ewwwws and grosses. It is a very good meal if made properly (like pretty much everything). If the fish isn’t unfrozen properly the meat will turn gelatinous, which is what most people find disgusting. I have found that with food, texture is seriously everything. Even though my aunt and younger cousin both hate lutefisk, even when my aunt’s dad prepares it. My older Norwegian cousin, uncle (mom’s brother), mom, sister, and I all love it but only get to have it up at the hytta (cabin). It is so good, especially with the bacon sauce to put on top (and I don’t even like bacon!) and I eat it with turnips, but potatoes are also an option.

https://whatscookingamerica.net/History/LutefiskHistory.htm

Grasshoppers, Ant larva, and Grubs

While traveling around the various states of Mexico we tasted maybe different kinds of food. The most apprehensive I ever was, was the second year, in central Mexico eating bugs. Yes, when I was a little kid I accidently ate an ant, but these were on purpose, all of them prepared by the cooks in the kitchen especially for us. The grubs were the introduction. Lightly fried and tossed in a bowl. They were the appetizers; both Kat (another girl on the trip) and I were the first to try them. And surprisingly, but unsurprisingly, the grubs seemed to taste good, but actually, they didn’t really taste like much of anything. A little vegetable oil and some salt made each one a savory cloud with a slight crunch. The ant larva was the next dish I tried; in the dish, mixed with a white sauce and probably different vegetables, the tiny balls of larva looked like couscous or quinoa. Because I was not apprehensive about trying this one I took between a quarter and a half of a teaspoon, it was not good. In fact, I wanted to spit it out it was so bad. Don’t let this discourage you, though, when I took the ant larva off the plate alone and ate it, it was much better. So whatever the ant larva was mixed with was what I disliked and not the bugs themselves. The last dish of insects, on a different day, in a different restaurant, in a different state, was little bowls of baby grasshoppers served to us with chips, salsa, and lime. The combination of chips, bug, and lime tasted just like salted lime and vinegar chips. Nothing wrong with that at all, and I definitely ate quite a few before my main dish arrived.

  Hvalbiff

Whale – specifically Minke whale from Norway. A highly controversial topic, which I would direct anyone to read a few articles for more information. I am in no sense of the word, an expert on the subject, but I do know a bit about whaling. And while I can never defend overfishing, like what Japan hunters do illegally with any whale they see, I can see the merits of Norway for greatly reducing the intake over the past several years and only hunting species that are not at risk of being endangered. In fact, these whales are of least concern, and just like their ancestors: Norwegians, Icelanders, etc. all use the entire animal. And let me just say, it also tastes similar to a lean steak, with less fat. My cousin and I bought one box from the grocery store and cooked it up for dinner; one box was more than enough for the both of us.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minke_whale

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/03/160331-norway-minke-whaling-fur-farms/

http://us.whales.org/issues/whaling-in-norway

  Around the world, you’ll find food that you may not have considered ever trying. But I always like to immerse myself in any culture I visit, not only is it respectful, but you’ll get a whole new experience and widen all horizons. Where ever you go the people living there have been there much longer, years, generations, centuries, and they know what they’re doing. I trust that they want to share the best of their lives with me as I would with them.

GO FORTH AND EAT FOOD!

Meet Some New Meat This weekend I snapped back into the realization that, hey, I like to cook. I haven’t been cooking or eating healthy food for a while just cause I’ve been lazy, which is, of course, not good neither for me nor my wallet.

[booksfilmsandmusicaltheatre]

Let's get the lighter stuff out of the way first: Yes, I am looking forward to seeing Mary Poppins Returns, we will probably be seeing it on Christmas Day when it premieres here. I do have slight misgivings about Lin-Manuel Miranda speaking in a British accent, but I think they are slowly dissipating along with getting used to it by listening to the soundtrack.

But, then on to the real reason, why I decided to post this particular song: Although it is a light and cheerful song in a musical, it speaks the truth. You cannot judge a book by its cover, both literally and figuratively, the figurative side mostly relating to people.

Lately I have seen talk about how certain people must be lying about or faking their depression, because they don't look depressed or they are seen taking part in public celebrations. They fail to realise that depression is rarely visible to other people and that it may be the smiles and laughter that they are faking. Yes, the laughter and smiles may very well be also completely genuine, yet, in a depressed individual probably just momentary and fleeting.

I, for one, suspect I may be depressed myself. I have no diagnosis, as I am a fool who does not know how to ask for help, even when they might actually need it. And, even though when I otherwise might be in the right head space to get help, picking up the phone and calling someone, especially a total stranger, is a pretty much insurmountable obstacle for me. Yet, if anyone asks me how I'm doing, I will probably answer that everything is fine. I may smile and be chatty. Keeping up appearances. But I also do experience moments of actual joy and happiness, or amusement, but mostly when left alone with my thoughts I feel lonely and miserable.

However, this book and cover thing applies to more than depression. I myself have judged people by their appearance alone and later realised how wrong I was. So, although I can understand the tendency to draw conclusions about people based on their looks, it saddens me that people do that. That's probably one of the main reasons why no-one ever seems to approach me. All they see is this plain, fat, antisocial hag not worth getting to know any closer. Maybe I am delusional thinking that I'm much more than that, but I'd like to think I am worth getting to know better. Admittedly that may be hard, as I feel I have built myself a cocoon and I'm afraid to truly confide in anyone anymore.

* * *

Kevyemmät asiat ensin pois päiväjärjestyksestä: Kyllä, odotan innolla Maija Poppasen paluuta, käymme todennäköisesti katsomassa sen heti joulupäivänä kun se tulee ensi-iltaan. Minua hieman epäilyttää Lin-Manuel Mirandan brittiaksentti, mutta ne epäilykset ovat asteittain haihtumaan päin, kun alan tottua siihen soundtrackin myötä.

Sitten siihen todelliseen syyhyn jakaa kyseinen kappale: vaikka se on kepeä ja pirteä musikaalikappale, siinä piilee totuus. Ei kirjaa ole kansiin katsominen, ei sananmukaisesti eikä kuvainnollisestikaan. Kuvainnollisuus pätee erityisesti ihmisiin.

Viime aikoina on näkynyt juttua siitä, kuinka eräät muka pakosta joko leikkivät masentunutta tai valehtelevat masentuneisuudestaan, koska he eivät näytä masentuneilta ja kehtaavat osallistua julkisiin juhliin. Näin ajattelevat eivät tunnu käsittävän, että masennus ei useinkaan näy päälle päin tai että se iloisuus saattaa olla se, mitä he teeskentelevät. Toki hymy ja ilo saattavat olla täysin aitojakin, mutta masentuneella hyvin todennäköisesti vain hetkellisiä ja pian haihtuvia.

Itsekin epäilen, että saatan olla masentunut. Diagnoosia minulla ei ole, sillä olen niitä typeriä jääräpäitä, jotka eivät pysty pyytämään apua vaikka todella sitä tarvitsisivat. Ja vaikka välillä olisinkin muuten oikeassa mielentilassa pyytämään apua, puhelimeen tarttuminen ja etenkin ventovieraalle soittaminen on minulle ylivoimainen este. Tästä huolimatta, jos joku minulta kyselee vointia, vastaan todennäköisesti, että kaikki on hyvin. Saatan hymyillä ja olla puheliaskin. Kannattelen kulisseja. Toisinasn olen hetkellisesti myös aidosti iloinen, onnellinen tai huvittunut, mutta jäädessäni taas yksin ajatuksineni olen yksinäinen ja mieli mustana.

Kirjan ja kannen vertauskuva pätee kuitenkin muuhunkin kuin masennukseen. Olen itsekin vetänyt ihmisistä johtopäätöksiä pelkästään heidän ulkonäkönsä perusteella ja myöhemmin huomannut kuinka väärässä olinkaan. Vaikka ymmärränkin taipumuksen vetää ihmisistä johtopäätöksiä pelkän ulkoisen olemuksen perusteella, minua surettaa se, että niin tehdään. Uskon että taipumus tehdä näin on suuri syy siihen, miksei kukaan juuri koskaan lähesty minua. He näkevät vain ruman, lihavan keski-ikäisen sosiaalisesti kömpelön akan, johon ei kannata tarkemmin tutustua. Ehkä kuvittelen itsestäni liikoja, mutta tahdon silti uskoa, että olen oikeasti tutustumisen arvoinen. Myönnettäköön, että minuun tutustuminen saattaa olla hankalaa, sillä olen tainnut vetäytyä niin tiiviisti kuoreeni, etten enää uskalla uskoutua kunolla kenellekään.