#yes i have been obsessing over this for days

[tan1shere]

Friends

Billie Eilish x female reader !

A/n: as a bit of an apology for that other fic... LMAOO THIS DOES HAVE A HAPPY ENDING ! I've been obsessed with this song. Like if my future gf doesn't confess her love to me with it I'm gunna sue

Summary: none of you had any idea just how inlove you guys were.

Warnings: a bit angsty at the startish ? But happy ending 😁 this ended up being so so cute eeee - also listening to the song helps near the end when they're in the rain. Makes it more magical hehe

Masterlist

It was another day. Another cold, rainy day. It had been like that for a few weeks now. But you weren't complaining, you loved this kind of weather. Drinking hot drinks, wearing cute clothes, the sound of it on the roof. Even going to cute little Cafes with friends, which is what you were on the way to do now. Your best friend Claudia, Finneas and last but not least Billie. Billie, Billie. Billie. She was beautiful, always teasing you about something but you loved it. Yes you had a crush on her. But you had to stop that.

You had been friends with Finneas first for years, and your crush developed quite quickly when you met Billie for the first time. Only a matter of days and you were drooling at the sight. She'd never see you like that though. Then you introduced Claudia to them, your long time best friend. She knew about this crush and she was the only one who did. It was only natural when she insisted you say something the day Billie came out. You had known for awhile before she publicly announced it. You were a lesbian and open about that, so she came to you when she thought she might be into girls.

It only made things worse. Making you want her even more when she confirmed she wanted to be with a woman. You so desperately wanted that woman to be you. But you doubted she saw you in that way. Causing you to push those feelings aside, and bury it deep within. The looks you always gave her go unnoticed by Claud, she tried time and time again to encourage you to just say something and that..

"You never know what could happen" She says as you and her wait on the other two to order. "Claudia there's no point, it'd just ruin things. "You don't know that!" She insists, but shuts up seconds later as they come back over. Her words always sat with you, replaying over and over in your mind. But you couldn't do it, you had to let it go. Just some silly crush you developed as a kid. It'll go away.

... It's been nearly 7 years. 7 long years with a burning crush for her. A massive secret. Who were you kidding you weren't getting over it. They come back with the drinks in hand. "Matcha for you." Finn says, handing it to Claudia. "Your favorite for you." You smile as Billie says that. She always knew. She knew exactly what you liked and what you didn't, and vise versa. Which probably made you love her even more. If anything you were certain you were inlove with her. Which is why you needed to make this stop somehow.

Few months had passed since the coffee shop. You were sitting at home, scrolling through your phone when you see tiktoks of Quen, Odessa, and Billie in one. You knew she was close with them but you had no idea just how close. But that wasn't even the icing on the cake. Your phone dings with a text from her. "Hey you!" It read. You try to ignore the pit in your stomach after seeing that stupid fucking tiktok. You couldn't let it bother you this much. "Hii Bills." - "Craziest thing right, I mean not so crazy because I've kissed her before. But i love how casual it is, Quen was just saying a joke and kissed me mid way."

Your heart stings for a bit as you read those words. That poison. "Oh really?" - "Shes honestly so funny though, just wanted to text! See how you were doing and all." You bite your lip. How's awful? "I'm fine!" You were glad this was over text cuz boy were you a bad liar. So you're glad she hasn't caught on at all to your crush. Lying your way out of that one would be a mission. Or maybe it wouldn't be. "Good! I'll talk to you later, byeee." You sigh. "Bye.." You say outloud.

Some more time passes by, and very slowly. You had been focusing more on yourself. You even got a promotion in your job. But you weren't sure if you would take it, seeing as you had to move to New York for it. It had been eating at you recently on what to do. You can't bear the thought of not seeing your friends everyday. Even if they could visit but they had busy lives too. It wouldn't be the same. And you weren't sure if you could leave her. Or maybe that was the exact thing you needed.

Maybe you needed to get away so this silly little crush could go bye bye. But once you think it over some more you come to a decision. You couldn't possibly say no to this. This was huge for you after all.

Flashback.

Another rainy day, you two were chilling in Finns basement as Billie works on a few things. She stops for a moment. "Hey, I've been working on this song for a bit. It's nothing major but can you have a listen?" You nod, leaning forward excitedly. As it plays, you fall immediately inlove. Even if it was just a snippet. "Billie! That's beautiful." You beam at her, loving it so much. She blushes slightly at the words. "It's really special. I was thinking of putting the rain in the background if I can manage to. It's so noisy tonight." You nod as she says that. "I love the rain, it brings me such a comfort. The cold weather, snuggling up into blankets. The sound!" She smiles as you talk. She always listened, especially when you rambled. "I know." She says, more so to herself seeing as you hadn't heard her.

"Hey, early like always." Claudia says to you as you enter her house. You greet Finneas and the dogs aswel. "Well you know me." They were currently throwing a small get together, something common for them to do. But you loved it. You were going to break the news tonight. It was decided. Billie had only just arrived shortly after you, coming in and saying hi to everyone. You look at her, wondering if you really should go through with this. She was your best friend. It made you wonder how she's going to take the news. Out of all of them you two were the closest. Hanging out regularly, talking on the phone. So this without a doubt would be hard.

You were all sitting around at the table, talking, eating. When a friend asks Billie if she's done anything new recently music wise. "Well, funny you should ask. I've been writing this song, it's incredibly special to me. It's about this girl, and I think I really like her." You swallow as you hear that. Was it who you think it was about? Was it that same song she got you to listen to? "Ooou Billie liking someone?" Rat pipes up. "I may do." "If you're writing a song for her you must be pretty inlove." She blushes slightly. It had to be about Quen, it just had to. You look down at your food contemplating. That whole situation just made everything easier. So you begin to speak.

"I uhm, I have a small announcement." Everyone then looks at you. Your eyes land on Billies for a split second. "I- got a promotion a few weeks ago." They all start congratulating you, even Billie. But that dies down with your next words. "It uh.. Id have to move to New York though." Things fell silent, saddened faces all around. "That sucks. But we are so proud of you, are you going to take it?" You think for a moment, you look over to Billie but her eyes were on the food on her plate. "Uhm. Yeah, I am." Cheers were then to be heard. "To Y/n!" Rat then says, raising his glass. "To Y/n!" Everyone follows. Everyone but Billie...

Flashback.

Summer time. It was almost your second favorite to winter, but nothing could ever beat your love for it. You and Billie had gone out to a meadow, it was one of her favorite things. Going out to rejoice in nature. And when you had suggested it she couldn't of been more happy. It was better than sitting around in the boiling heat in the house, even with the fan on it was scorching. There was a warm breeze as you two walked through it. Enjoying the sun and grass. Billie was behind you going to grab your wrist. "This was an amazing idea. You know me so well." You smile wide as she says that. "I also know how much energy you have. I'll race you to the end." She chuckles. "Oh please you know I'd beat you-" "Go!" You abruptly say, running off as soon as your sentence finished. "Hey!" She yells running after you.

The whole paddock was huge so it took you a little bit. Along the way you both give up, but as you were about to stop your body's being tackled to the ground. "Gotcha!" She says pinning your arms down. You laugh. "No fair!" Her brow raises. "You know what's not fair? You getting a head start you little cheat." You laugh even more. "I have no clue what you're on about." It was her turn to laugh. "And a liar!" Her hands move to tickle your sides. "Billie!" "A bad one at that." Now your laughs were uncontrollable. She kept going until something sparks. You hadn't realized how close she was. Both of your eyes locking. Everything stills. Her movements. Your breathing. Maybe even time did too. You look at her lips for a second and that's when you look away. Her hand gently grabs your jaw. "You still lost." Your eyes roll going to push her off. "Har har."

She falls beside you as you both lay on your back. Taking in the sky silently. "Everything is so beautiful." You breathe. "Yeah." Billie replies. She wasn't looking at the sky.

The time was nearing. You were packing up your things a few days earlier. Honestly, you were so excited. This could be a brand new start, a refresher. After a longish day you were driving over to Finneas and Claudia's, wanting to spend as much time with them as possible. Wondering why Billie wasn't mentioned? Because she may not even be there. She hasn't been there. Ever since that night, nor had she texted you since then. Which is something she did daily. It broke your heart. But maybe that just made it even easier to leave. Maybe..

"Got most packed?" Claudia asks. You nod, seemingly distracted. "Hey, everything alright?" You look at her. "Oh yeah, just thinking about missing you guys- when. I leave." She had known you for longer than they have, even if you were a bad liar she saw right through you. "Spill." You sigh. "We haven't spoken in weeks.." Her brows furrow. "You and Billie?" You just nod, kinda wanting to avoid this whole thing right now. "Ever since I announced it she's shut me out." Claudia's features softened. "Maybe she just needed time she's your best friend it'll surely hurt-" "But as a best friend she should be here for me. Even if that is so."

Things grew silent, not the horrible kind. "I'm sorry." You shrug. "Guess even in friendship she doesn't want it." - "That's not true." You shrug again. "Even before I mentioned this whole thing she had grown distant. Its like I didn't even matter anymore. She was too busy focusing on this girl." Maybe you hadn't realized how much it upset you. You didn't want it to. But it finally got to you. Claudia notices and brings you in for a hug. She soothes you, trying to not make things seem worse. After a bit you both pull back. "You're going to call me everyday ok? And we will talk about anything and everything." She wipes your slight tears.

Feeling her own fall. You nod, planning on doing so. "Im going to miss you guys." She brings you in for a final hug. "We are going to miss you more."

Flashback.

Parties were something you aren't sure you're use to. But it was quite a frequent thing. Seeing as who you were friends with were in that scene. "I hope this isn't boring like some of them." You sigh, watching Billie come out of your bathroom. She was wearing a loose black button up shirt and some very laid back pants. Another thing you loved about her, she didn't try to be fashionable. She was just always comfortable. "Oh come onnn, it could be so fun!" Even she didn't believe that. She agreed with you, parties like these were just an excuse to drink or get high and you hated it. Everyone could enjoy themselves when they are actually themselves instead of being intoxicated. "I'll make it fun." She then says, striding over to you. Billie had always been flirty in anything she did. Whether it was her tone or actions it'd always be noticeable. Which sure as hell didn't help with the fucking crush.

And delicate touch to your body had you shivering. It felt like she did it on purpose. Maybe she was? "And how do you suppose you'd do that?" She shrugs, getting closer. "Just by being me." Your brows raises, trying so hard to not let show how much of an effect she has on you currently. "If you say so." But that whole night was something else. Sure she could be touchy, and never in a bad way. It was her love language after all. But something about the way you danced together, the way each moment felt. Sure as hell didn't feel like a just friends thing. But ofcourse you were delusional. Because the next day, things were back to the same friendliness. It hurt, all you wanted was to be hers but she didn't feel the same. And you had to accept that.

It was the last day before your move. "This is for Y/n." Finneas says on their couch. It was just him, you, Claudia. And ofcourse Billie. You doubted she even wanted to come at the way she's been acting lately. It upset and angered you. What was wrong with her? "Our best friend. And cheers to the new chapter she's starting!" He finishes. "Here here!" Claudia chimes in. Your heart just sinks as you turn to look at Billie. She was on her phone. Probably texting the mystery girl. You look at your drink, sighing internally. Finneas and Claud just look at one another. "Congrats Y/n." Finneas then concludes.

A slight sadness in his voice. You nod slowly as you 3 drink to it. The night goes on, you wanted some more blue cheese so you get up and go to the kitchen, Billie happening to be there. Things were awkward. You really didn't want them to end this way. "Can't believe it's tomorrow." You say, breaking the air. "Yeah, came by fast." There was more awkward silence. God you felt like crying why was she being like this. But that anger comes back as shes on her phone, again. The last night you have together and she's texting some bitch. "Really?" You manage to get out, after what felt like ages of bottling up whatever it was inside you.

Her eyes move to look at you. "Huh?" You grit your teeth. She sees your eyes gloss over, opening her mouth to speak. "You haven't spoken to me in weeks." You snap. She doesn't say anything, unsure of exactly what she could say. There's many things, but choosing was tricky. "Just forget it, I'm going to go home and rest. Got a big day tomorrow." You say to everyone as you grab your bag, heading out. Remembering you had taken an Uber, grabbing your phone but struggle as the pouring rain shoots down. "Wait!" You then hear behind you.

"No Billie." You really didn't want to speak to her after all she hadn't, all month. All night for fuck sakes. "Please let me talk." You ignore her trying hard to call this damn Uber, but the rain wasn't helping in the slightest. She grabs your phone making you look at her. "Hey!" You say, feeling tears flow. It was hard to tell mixed with the rain. But she notices. She notices everything. "I'm s-" You push her away. "N-no." You shiver. "You hurt me." She stands there dumbfounded. That's not at all what she wanted. Far from it. She's reized how much she's hurt you.

"Please, I really am sorry I shouldn't have iced you out. I was just shocked and a little hurt you hadn't mentioned this to me." You fold your arms not looking at her. "I hadn't told anyone." She scratches her head. "Yeah but, out of anyone I thought youd atleast tell me." You turn to her. "Why? Why do you think that? You haven't been the best friend to me recently. Hell i don't even know what to think anymore." She shakes her head. "Don't say that, please I'm sorry." You stay quiet for a moment. "Just give me my phone."

She was hesitant but with a sigh she does. You soon get fed up, going to walk. "It's freezing, you can't just walk home." - "Why do you care all of a sudden Billie. It's not like you've been so caring lately?!" Another bit of silence. You just shake your head. "Well?" She thinks for a moment. "This morning. I woke up from a dream. Where you and I had to say goodbye." You had no clue where this was going but you were growing inpatient. Wanting a proper answer. "And I don't know what it all means... But since then I realized. Wherever you go that's where I'll follow."

You roll your eyes a bit, not even sure you're getting where this is going, patience growing thinner. "Im tired Billie, goodnight and goodbye." You say walking off again. She started to panic. Frantically thinking. "Y/n!" When you wouldn't stop she sighs. "I love you!" Your feet come to halt at the words. "Or rather, inlove with you." Your eyes widen. Was this a dream too? Were you dreaming? You slowly turn around to look at her. "W-what?" You look at eachother, feeling as if time had stopped again. "If the world was ending I'd wanna be next to you."

You feel tears again. This is all you've been longing from her. "Are you serious?" You question. "Serious as anything." You smile, more tears coming down your cheeks. You run over to her, she instinctively picks you up. And finally something else you had been longing for, happened just like that. You felt eachothers lips. Molding together perfectly. It lasted for what felt like eternity. Neither of you wanted to pull away, you knew you needed to though. The rain pours more over you. Making both of your hair sticks to your faces. She moves yours out the way.

"I'm hoping you feel the same?" You laugh. "Yes you idiot. For over 7 years." She smiles wide, so happy that this could finally happen. "Wait- what about the girl- the mystery one?" She chuckles. "We really were blind huh?" Your brows furrow in confusion. "The song was about you. But I never said anything because I was worried I'd ruin things." Your head shakes. "Oh thank God, I honestly thought it was Quen." You breathe out relieved. "Oh goodness no, she's just a friend. Even if I had kissed her it was more of an experience." You nod, understanding everything more now.

"So the song was about me?" You beam. She reflects the same actions. "I thought the lyrics would've been obvious to be honest. Especially with the rain part." - "Guess it just flew past my head." You lock eyes once again. "Well since I know how much rain means to you. What if I asked you a very special question while we're out here in it." Your head tilts. Her hands grabbing your own. "Will you be my girlfriend?" You smile. "I thought you'd never ask." You seal the deal with a kiss. You fell first. But she fell harder.

"No seriously I thought you'd never ask." You both laugh, heading over to her car so you can get home.

[ronearoundblindly]

For every cevans who are the ass men and who are the boob men 👀😏 .. maybe there are some who like both equally?

This...did not at all shake out the way I thought it would at first. More of them lean towards the top rather than the bottom, but the one's who like the butt really, really like the butt. I decided to do percentages in order of preference--the formula shows up as % tits / % ass. Warnings for sexual discussion.

A/N: What a bizarre thing to find myself thinking about for HOURS...

Ransom Drysdale 90 / 10

In a word? Jewelry. Now, an expensive necklace laying just in the valley of your breasts is not the only reason Ran prefers this view, but it's the main one.

Jimmy Dobyne 85 / 15

Breeding kink and lactation kink. Sorry. He's a simple man who is deep-down obsessed with your tits getting bigger because of him and what he did to you. This is a man who enjoys getting completely lost in sex (in his own head though, since he's not using a lot of brainpower to check in with you and your needs during the actual act).

Curtis Everett 80 / 20

He's hands-on, and the simple truth is it's easier to have his hands (or mouth) on your breasts during foreplay or missionary, even doggy-style. Curtis enjoys touch far more than he'll admit out loud, so there's also the simple fact that when you hug, he gets more contact with your top than your bottom, or dancing, or sleeping, etc. There is--and I will die on this hill--something deeply primal aroused in him when he sees your bare décolleté. Somehow that is more exposed and naughtier than you wondering around in a bikini. Not sure how to explain that further. Breasts to neck are just his real estate.

Steve Rogers 75 / 25

I mean, the guy was eye-level with them for most of his life, so yeah, Steve's fascinated by tits. He also finds laying on your chest deeply soothing. He likes the soft, sensual side of showing attention to your tits and loves when they're very sensitive. Don't get me wrong; Steve enjoys a well-balanced woman, and he will dote on all of you. He just...really likes playing with your boobs, darn it!

Important note: read that stat as "25% backside" for Steve's delicacy, please. He won't say the other thing...

Andy Barber 70 / 30

The low-key version of Ransom in the sense that for public and work events, Andy would like to show off how gorgeous you are. It's difficult to really highlight the ass without being too risqué, and he'd be far more angry if a bunch of people stared at your backside all night. He's comfortable being envied for your top half, thanks.

Jake Jensen 60 / 40

Purely a numbers game: he is more likely to be flashed than mooned, so Jake is slightly more enamored by the titties. Apart from that, his answer to the question of either/or is "yes."

Johnny Storm 50 / 50

Always changing it up because he's always on the cusp of getting bored, Johnny goes through phases. However, he is equally and actively interesting in both your tits and your ass in a sexual way which is why he gets the actual number percentages, unlike...

James Mace & Bucky Barnes- Indifferent

Slightly different reasons, but at any given time, these two change preferences. Bucky is more emotional and moody in his affection/attention, so depending on the day, he could be wildly into your breasts or your butt. He could also be really into you doting on him. This could all be for nine-million different little experiences that happened in a day or a week. Bucky can't be pinned down as just one thing--partly because he's been several different people in his life.

Mace appreciates that there are esthetically pleasing versions of body parts, that people have different ideals for those, and that it is nice to have one or more of those ideal exist in the relationship. Mace is also practical. Your body will change over time. Hell, his body will definitely change after months in space, so who is he to point out that your ass looked better one way while he loses 30 pounds of muscle between times you seen him? It's not fair and it's not realistic. He just...can't find the energy to care much about this argument. There are more important things that could be an actual problem if they changed, but your body isn't one of them.

[Enormous gap in percentages]

Ari Levinson 10 / 90

I may hate the phrase but Ari is definitely a 'dirty daddy.' He quite likes a nasty, no-holds-barred fuck fest, and those have way more to do with your lower half than your upper half. Something about your ass being his is also more satisfying than any other piece of you. He's a bit possessive that way.

Lloyd Hansen 1 / 99

Boobs can be fake, and unless he is actually fucking your tits, they aren't doing anything for him. Lloyd feeds off of touch sexually, so it's all about that booty bouncing on him or taking him deep or bruising beneath his grip, know what I mean? Yeah, you do, @ellethespaceunicorn.

Thank you for asking!

[Main Masterlist; 'Who Would...' Masterlist; Ko-Fi]

[tulippanes]

𝐍𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐘 𝐃𝐎𝐆

v. — catch that dog.. again!

warnings: i've defrosted

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Bathing a dog can go two ways. Either successfully or it'll be pure hell. With Hank? It's always the latter option, so it's good to be prepared. Well, maybe you over prepared a little. Just a teeny bit.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Koushi asks as he narrows his eyes.

"I'm taking precautions."

"By wearing goggles, gloves, and a floatie?" He crosses his arms over his chest and raised a brow. Okay yeah, you were definitely over prepared. Quite dramatic too, but it's Hank of all dogs. The little troublemaking corgi that'll probably somehow manage to learn to bury you alive. That Hank.

"The hazmat suit didn't come in time."

"You're bathing a dog," he says in exasperation. He thinks you're being ridiculous. When does he ever not?

"Have you ever bathed Hank?"

"...Just take off the floatie. You look stupid."

"Yeah. Hot mysterious man might see you looking stupid." You flinch when Tadashi randomly pops up from behind you. Turning to look over your shoulder, you glare at him and he snickers. Couldn't he just let that mystery man go? It's starting to make you regret telling them about him. You should've known, especially with the way they all started obsessing about people you've merely breathed around ever since the breakup with your ex.

You like to think you're over him, over that relationship. It's a nice thought to have. But that's all there is to it, just a thought. A thought that aids in trying to push down that aching.

With a sigh you slip off the floatie and step out of it. "Will you stop bringing him up? I don't even know the guy," you mutter. You were about to pick it up before a dog darts over to grab it and sprints away with it. Koushi was quick to run after it, telling the animal off all the while.

"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Like how you haven't seen him since you met him?"

"Yes, Tadashi. That's what I've been saying." You roll your eyes as you take off the goggles and gloves.

Tadashi stares at you for a moment. He knows you're lying, that's what he believes. Of course you're lying to them about bumping into the guy that caught Hank. You've seen him what, three days in a row after meeting? But if you were to tell any of them that, let alone all of them, they'd go crazy.

"Are you really sure you didn't see him?" Hitoka asks from behind you, causing you to flinch once again in surprise. Damn, what was up with them suddenly appearing behind you so randomly?

You groan, "I'm sure. Don't you guys have dogs to take care of?" You shoo the two away and they let out protests.

"But there's just no way you haven't bumped into him again!" Hitoka says and Tadashi vigorously nods.

They were about to argue some more. Persitant, those two were. That is until Yui walks over and they scurry away. She shakes her head, a sigh escaping past her.

"They'll do anything but work," she mumbles.

She then turns to face you with a kind smile and the slightest glint of empathy in her eyes. "It's grooming day for Hank, isn't it? You don't need any help?" she asks softly. Really, probably the best supervisor you could ever ask for.

You ponder about it for a moment. The first time you bathed Hank, you gave up halfway through and Yui had to step in to help you with the rest. The second time... You don't like to think about the second time. Especially since he'd been unusually cranky that day. From then on, you've done alright. Bathing Hank is in it's own category of dog grooming and you're practically a professional in that aspect.

"I'll be fine," you shrug. She pats your shoulder and smiles in response. She looks down at the goggles and gloves you were holding.

"What are those for?"

"Safety precautions."

Yui opens her mouth to say something but then closes it. She carefully takes them from you. She places her hand on your shoulder again, this time giving it a small squeeze. "You'll be fine," she reassures and walks off.

Yeah. You'll be fine. Everything will turn out a-okay. Speak of the devil, Hank trots up to you with a toy in his mouth. Those beady little eyes stare practically right into your soul and he tilts his head to the side. He really was such a little cutie sometimes. You coo and lean down to grab him but then he dashes away.

He's not cute anymore. Little shit. It's like he has a 6th sense that you'll be bathing him today.

He has you running in circles before Kanoka was able to pick him up when he tried to speed past her. "What're you doing, tiring the poor girl out, hm?" she says as the corgi licks her cheek. She giggles at your out-of-breath form.

"Bath time?"

"Is– Is it easy to tell?" you ask breathlessly.

"He always has you running around before he takes a bath. It's like he knows," she smiles. Oh, so it wasn't just you who thought that Hank somehow knew it was the day you'd bathe him. She hands the dog to you and he squirms in your arms. You huff and take him to the grooming area.

"It's just a little shower, okay?" you say. Hank continues to squirm, even as you set him down in the stainless steel tub he tries to jump out. You grab a hold of him earlier than he could. It's a little feeling but he's probably going to give you a hard time today. Turning on the water and grabbing the shower head, you wet his coat. When you reach over to grab the shampoo, maybe it was a bad idea to let go of him for that one second.

The corgi shakes off the water, which unfortunately gets all over you, and leaps out of the tub, scampering off through the crack of the door.

You thought you fully closed that door.

You were quick to turn off the water and chase after him. You thought you caught him when he couldn't find an escape through the entrance doors of the Bone Zone. But then Tadashi suddenly opens them and comes through after taking out the trash.

Then Hank slips through.

Tadashi watches the small corgi zoom past. He turns to you and notices your wet shirt, awkwardly averting your glower. "Tadashi," you say and he stiffens.

"Move."

"Yes ma'am."

You're going to have to catch that damn dog.. Again.

Hajime leaves his gym a little earlier than usual. Mostly because he had to head to work a little earlier than usual. His phone vibrates in his pocket. He's been ignoring that forsaken groupchat since yesterday. All those three idiots do is get unwanted answers out of him. He wonders if it counts as manipulation of the sorts.

Reluctantly, he takes out his phone from his pocket to read the time. 10:32 AM. He slips his phone back into the pocket of his shorts. He chugs the rest of his water from his bottle, making his way towards his car. In all honesty his day started out okay. His workout was okay. Everything feels fine. Yet he can't get this strange feeling out of his system. It's like an odd sense of deja vu even if nothing's happened yet.

"Hey! Watch out!"

He sees a blur of fawn and white coming right at him. Maybe it's an instinct, if he can even call it that since he's only caught the fast little thing once, but he catches the dog before it could run past him. He grimaces at the feeling of its wet coat, that wet dog smell hits him in the face too. The same corgi he's seen for the fifth time now wriggles in his hands. He holds the dog more securely in his arms even if it gets his shirt a little wet. Guess this is what caused that deja vu.

Then his eyes meet hers. Guess his hopes were lived up to. He hasn't seen her in a day yet it felt like weeks. It's like their first encounter. She jogs up to him, out of breath, a grateful smile on her face. Whenever she smiles at him he always gets a weird tingly feeling. Her shirts wet and it's especially noticeable with the way it clings onto her skin, he notes. Actually he shouldn't be noting that. It's creepy. It's also rude to stare. He's still staring anyway, it's not until she speaks up that his eyes snap back to look at her face. Even looking at her face is hard though. He can't help but notice all her pretty features.

"Hey, you! This is the second time you've caught Hank, huh? I guess I owe you double now?" she says. She takes the dog from his arms and their hands brush again just as it did at their first meeting. It's still electrifying and makes him pull back quickly.

"Yeah. Uh– Wait no, it's fine. It's fine... You don't need to give me anything at all. Nothing." He's stuttering again. He's making himself look stupid again. Will there ever be a time where he doesn't make himself look like some complete idiot in front of her? Most likely not.

"Aw, c'mon. Don't be so uptight!" she playfully scolds. Hajime tenses at her words. Uptight? He's not being uptight. Why would he be uptight? There's no reason to be uptight. Him? Uptight?

...He's overthinking this.

"You're a little silly, y'know," she says with a small laugh. He made her laugh again. There's that sense of pride whirling inside him once more. He only met her last Thursday and he's already acting all giddy about every smile and giggle he can get out of her. He's a goner, he has to admit that he is. Love at first sight only exists in movies, books, TV shows, everything but reality.

Yet here he is, living proof of it. Ironic, really.

Hajime awkwardly chuckles and couldn't find a response. But she always seems to salvage the conversation. "Thank you," she pauses, "I've thanked you a lot, huh? Well, how can I not when you've helped me twice now. Er, three times technically.. If you agreeing to walk with me that time counts."

"It's no biggie. You don't have to keep thanking me," he shrugs. He thinks about his response before quickly backtracking.

"Uh. Not that I mind. It's nice to help you– Someone. It's nice to help someone."

There's that laugh, a bright smile on her face shining more so than the sun itself. His throat goes dry, starting to regret chugging all his water. It's a little weird. Meeting her just last week and already having his hands go clammy whenever she's around. Having his heart race if he stares into her eyes too much. It's weird. But.. He kind of likes it. Kind of.

"Coming from the gym again? You're really persistent! You must go everyday then? Well duh since you have a really physique. You have really nice muscles!" He can feel his cheeks heating up. Didn't she compliment his figure the other day too? She's... Extremely bold. Or she doesn't second guess her words. It makes him feel embarrassed and a little fuzzy inside.

"Were you bathing him or something?" he asks.

She nods, "Uh-huh. Sorry, did he get you wet? He got me a little wet too..." She switches the corgi in her arms to hold it with one instead of both. Then she motions to her shirt. It was dryer than it was before, thank goodness. He quickly shifts his gaze to look at the dog. The corgi's little paws were dirty.

"I'm gonna have to shower him again. Ugh, now he's stinkier than before," she grumbles, nose scrunching. He didn't even notice that he was smiling until she points it out.

"Oh! You have a nice smile. I like it." His face grows hot a second time.

"Are you hot? You're cheeks are all pink," she asks. She just had to notice the stupid blush on his face. He needed to change the topic.

"Yeah a little. Anyway, you were bathing him, right? Do you usually do stuff like that at a dog daycare?" he questions.

"Yeah! Well, kind of. We usually bathe them when their owner schedules for them to. Hank usually gets bathed around every six or seven weeks. It all really depends on the dog! You shouldn't bathe them too much though or–" She pauses and he looks at her confused.

She looks sheepish now and she holds the corgi with both her arms now, it squirms slightly before licking her chin. "Sorry. I'm rambling huh? It must be boring."

He blinks at her, "What? No. I like listening to yo– Er, to this stuff." This time, she blinks at him. Did he say something wrong? Okay, sure, he almost let it slip past that he liked listening to her. It was probably weird to hear from a guy she met last Thursday. Her short moment of silence makes him nervous.

"You're a nice guy– Uhm," she frowns. Now she's frowning right after complimenting him.

"Hey! I never actually got your name. Isn't that weird? We even took a walk together!"

Oh. His name. Right. Hajime doesn't even know her name either. "It's–" He gets cut off by an unknown male's voice, calling out to presumably her since she perks up and turns around. He looks over and sees a gray haired male who stops a few feet away from them.

"Huh? Koushi? Uhm, this is my coworker," she says and nods towards the other male. Her newly introduced coworker looks at Hajime before looking back at her, then going back and forth between looking at the two.

Her coworker looks like he would say something but she beat him to it, letting out a loud cough. "That's my sign to go. I'll get your name next time, yeah?" She waves at him, her coworker staring before she ushers him to walk.

He couldn't even spit out his name before he was interrupted. Still, she did mention a next time. So yeah, next time.

"Is that hot mysterious man?"

"Don't know what you're talking about." You couldn't believe Koushi had to have caught you and the mystery man talking. Right when he was about to tell you his name too. He has horrible timing. Well, maybe the best timing in his point of view. Since he got a glimpse of what he looked like and was full on staring. You were definitely taking too long to come back, Yui probably sent him to go out and check on you if you needed help.

"So you were lying when you said you haven't seen him since the day you met him?"

"You better not tell no one. Keep your mouth shut." Because of everyone were to know that you've been bumping into him almost 4 times in a row, all hell would break loose. They'd lose their shit.

"How many times have you seen him?" Koushi asks. You glance over at him and hold Hank a little closer to your chest. You can feel him squirming, wanting to be let down. He was definitely restless from you holding him for so long.

"...Friday, Saturday, Sunday," you mumble.

"Three times in a row? So what is this? The fifth time? That's practically fate at this point!" You purse your lips at his statement. See?

"He was cute."

"Yeah."

"So you think he's cute?"

"Why do you guys always do that?" you huff in annoyance. You both stop in front of the entrance to the Bone Zone.

"What? You don't wanna date him or something?" he asks teasingly. He was just messing around, but you still can't help the look on your face. The deadpanned expression in which he always mimics back at you.

"No, Koushi. I don't want to date him. I barely know the guy," she says with a huff.

"Are you still stuck on you know who?" You freeze at that question. You know damn well that Koushi was asking if you're still reveling over what happened with your ex. Sometimes you miss the guy. Just thew few moments where he made you feel wanted and wasn't a complete piece of shit. Were you still stuck on him? There was only one thing you can answer that with.

"I don't know," you whisper.

He gives you a soft smile, opening the door for you to enter. He places a hand on your back and gives you a small push. "C'mon. I'll help you bathe Hank."

"Ha! Like you can help with that," you snort. Hank almost jumps out of your arms but you securely hold him. Damn dog, such a cutie but such a handful. He scoffs and enters right behind you, placing his hands on his hips.

"Oh? We can bet."

"25."

"Deal."

ncjf

𝐏𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐈𝐏𝐒:

three musketeers miss their gym rat

yes. Kanoka physically dragged you out of the car

#strongbaddie

Hajime folding pt 22893749 (more to come next chapter)

omg ex lore but not really

still don't know each others names sad face emoji (will also happen next chapter)

koushi and you bet but the winner is obvious

can you tell the pov change with the lil dividers pls say yes

a/n chpt 5 now finished omg im so sorry for the 2+ weeks wait this should've been out ages ago but I got super busy i feel like those parents that promise their kid sumn only to never get it for them LMFAO anyway THANK U ALL FOR 100 FOLLOWERS WHAT i feel so famous should I do a special or sumn..... can u guys tell i lwk suck at 2nd person ugh anyway more chapters WILL be coming soon dw this isn't the only one i'll publish this week (hopefully, watch me not post until next month) i'll prob fix mistakes tmr i love u all MUAH

tags

@blueballslock @akaashislovee @shookykookie30 @wyrcan @darling-eos @pelicanpizza @bakugouswh0r3 @mawenskiblue @phoenix-eclipses @s777athv @toorusfangirl @zazathezaer @strawberry-sanzu @oneiratxxia10 @tsukiesimp @yessimo @ghostreader0307 @nifflermini @mochroialainn @bunninio @honeyynuttsss @purple-snowfox @weezerbby @mjustag1rl @iluv-ace @aumarias @madiexuberant @ikisswonbin @thiisisntlovely @idkanymorebuthere @bakingcuriosity

p.s. those in blue couldn't be tagged 😞

[idkvomite]

Satoru x gn!reader ୨୧ WARNING: Angst. Inspired by Let The Light In because yes. I recommend listening to the song while reading.

You remember very well the first time you crossed eyes with Satoru. That confident smile, the light, loud laugh, the signature black blindfold, and above all, those blue eyes. They reminded you of the ocean, the morning sky, the calm beach days. He was the perfect man. More than perfect. He was your crush at Jujutsu Tech.

Crush?

That word makes you smile to yourself, because the memories of when you were an immature teenager, full of ideas about love, now seem so far away. Like when you used to fall for any TV heartthrob, feeling butterflies in your stomach, not knowing if it was a fleeting crush or something deeper. Shoko would always tell you that you liked every guy in the world, as if it were natural, but that only happened because you hadn’t found someone like him until that moment.

The memories keep playing like scenes from a movie, until finally, that day arrives—the day you spoke for the first time. That dumb mission that left you with a swollen, bruised eye, barely able to walk for days. And he had to save you, like always, with that calm gaze, as if it was easy for him—and it was. Your pride was bruised for needing his help. But, as always, he didn’t seem to care. He was Satoru Gojo, after all. And you, afraid of being seen as weak, found yourself sinking even deeper into a desire you couldn’t even explain at that moment. You weren’t just in love with what he was anymore, but with what he did to your heart, even without realizing it.

Deep down, you always knew he would never be the guy you could have. Never the kind of person you could hold without fear, without wondering what he really felt. Always so distant, so out of reach. Still, year after year, you stayed there, following him, like a spectator lost in a never-ending story. Until he became something more. A refuge, an obsession, an impossible dream.

Until he became your everything.

But now, when you see him there, cut in half, his insides spilling out, and the immense pain still lingering in the air, you realize everything was an illusion. Nothing was real. What was left of Satoru Gojo was just a piece of the man you once knew.

The fight against Sukuna had been brutal. They exchanged blows so strong it felt like the whole world was shaking with each impact. But what couldn’t be ignored was what was in Satoru’s eyes: exhaustion, pain, and the certainty of an ending. He knew he couldn’t escape. He knew it was over. And worst of all, you knew too.

— Satoru... — your voice falters as you kneel beside him. The words slip out, as if hearing his name was the only thing that could make a sound, but he can’t hear it anymore. Satoru Gojo’s final battle was against his own fate, and he lost.

You watch his gaze, still vivid, even with his body torn apart.

— I know — he whispers, his voice faint. — I know, I’m sorry, [your name].

His breathing is irregular, blood seeping from the wounds in his body. Yet he smiles. He’s still Satoru, the guy who never showed fear, the guy who never let anyone see what was happening inside.

— I... — He pauses for a moment, as if the pain is too much to continue, but then he gathers strength. — I know it’s not the right time... but you need to know... I had dreams too.

Those words hit you like a punch. Dreams? The strongest man, the unbeatable one, also had dreams?

You hold his hand, his cold, trembling fingers in yours. He smiles back, but it’s a tired smile, the kind that knows he’s about to leave.

— Yes. I had a dream. A silly dream... of being a normal human. — He continues.

You cling to those words, as if they could keep you grounded. As if by hearing them, you could believe he was still here, still existing. But deep down, you know you’re losing him, and there’s nothing you can do.

His eyelids flutter slowly, heavy as though they weighed a thousand tons. The last look he gives you is filled with something you can’t quite understand, something that perhaps he had kept just for you, something that transcends even death.

— You... will live, right? At least a little longer. — He asks suddenly, changing the subject. His voice falters, but the words come with such a heavy weight, so full of goodbye, that you feel an intense ache in your chest.

Then he smiles again, as if finally surrendering to the peace he had been seeking for so long. But before his eyes close for the last time, he whispers, almost like a secret shared only between you two:

— I love you, you know?

Those words echo in your mind, clearer than anything you’ve ever heard. You can’t respond. Silence takes over, as if the universe had paused just so you could absorb that truth, that farewell. And so, he goes. Without a sound. Without warning. Just silence, and a world that seems to have stopped spinning around you.

You know that his dream of being normal was buried with him. And you, who always got lost in the memories of his blue eyes, now have to find a way to go on without him.

Because in the end, his dreams were more real than you ever imagined. Finally, you understand that the strongest man was just like you—just a human, someone ordinary with his own desires and feelings, someone who longed for something more and couldn’t reach it.

[half-deadmagicperson]

A Walk in the Woods

This piece is based off of Chapter 3 of my fic Crow Lake. Originally the fic started as part of Ectoberhaunt, and was abandoned for over 2 months, but recently I got some inspiration to finish it! The first few chapters I didn't really know where I was going with it, but now I've got a solid outline!

Crow Lake is a Swan Lake AU where Danny is cursed by Vlad to turn into a white crow during the daytime. (It's only very loosely based on the story of Swan Lake.)

[dutybcrne]

Thinking abt Kae’s Fatui verse,,,,

[tls123]

Oh my god HOW DID YOU LIKE SVSSS!!!!!

i liked it more than i thought i would but overall less than i might have given the potential of the story, i think in general i really enjoyed the characters (mxtx never goes wrong with characters, she creates them in a way that makes me feel unhinged) and the world building but the pay off to the set up—which i really liked!—felt a bit........ i mean, just alright.

the dynamics too are pure mxtx, personally the bin/gqiu dynamic specifically really was the least interesting part of the whole story. to me!! but individually i loved both characters. my interest was just elsewhere because """elsewhere""" felt way more fascinating idk how to explain it

was very, very happy about the extra with airplane and the yue qingyuan / shen jiu one because that's exactly what i wanted more of in the story itself as well as just more shen yuan/qingqiu interacting with cang qiong mountain

maybe it's my orv brain but like i told jana a while back i think i would have enjoyed svsss way more if it was more about shen yuan (loner; hater; etc) suddenly finding himself among all of these people (disciples looking up to him; sect siblings relying on him one way or another; common folk admiring him; etc etc) and starting to.... live? again?

Shen Qingqiu hadn't noticed that, unconsciously, he no longer considered the disciples around him (...) to be mob characters the novel had described in a scant number of words.

^from volume one, he starts seeing them almost immediately because he's not actually that separate and he genuinely cares. all the time. about everything. even before that we get:

This was only a book, and all the people were constructs, imaginary characters. Logically, Shen Qingqiu was very clear on this fact...but when a character was actually being taunted and bullied right before his eyes, it was just flat-out unrealistic to expect him to be completely unmoved.

like why are you lying, shen yuan (<- svsss tagline if there ever was one)

just the idea of this really lonely detached guy finding a community, i know it's not the story mxtx was trying to tell but again, with the set up i really wanted to see it go in that direction.

there's one line from vol two where liu qingge goes "you fear becoming a burden to cang qiong mountain (...) but cang qiong mountain fears not your burden"

and basically what i'm saying is that i wish the story had been about THAT

(and also ning yingying's lines in that same chapter about shizun always taking on everything himself and why is it always you like that whole moment with the cang qiong mountain almost begging him to see that they care. idek what i'm saying but you know)

(also foaming at the mouth that we only got tiny tiny glimpses of shen yuan's life from before, those handful of times he mentioned his siblings i wanted to take a bite out of my kindle. tell me more!! dear fucking lord tell me more!! keep talking! elaborate!! he really felt very "kim dokja and his fourth wall" at times, sorry once more about the orv brain)

tldr: i guess i wanted a story about shen yuan/qingqiu but mxtx created svsss to be a story about bin/gqiu. and i just have to be okay with that.

[widevibratobitch]

actually im kinda happy with it lol probably because ive given up quite some time ago but yknow. its not that serious.

[lavellane]

like out of all the many, many traumas ive given elspeth my favorite has gotta be the deep roads lol. and specifically the way she never really got OUT of them. yeah so maybe her body did but not HER. shes still down there with ruck and helspith every time she closes her eyes. and during future expeditions when she goes down into the deep roads for real, it doesnt feel like some horrible nightmare it feels like REALITY and its the surface and love and warmth and alistair thats nothing more than a pleasant dream. one shes always going to wake up from. bc even in her happiest moments she's never not aware of the darkspawn digging up towards her just a few miles under her feet. and never not feeling the eyes of the deep roads looking at her, gleefully waiting for her, and knowing its not going anywhere

[complicit-rot]

i haven't been this social & talkative in Years someone drag me out back

[seventh-district]

so was anyone gonna tell me that Neil Newbon is the VA for Astarion or was i gonna have to find that out myself when he suddenly started uploading his playthrough of the game on YT

[cantofworms]

.

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

bad news: today might actually be the worst day of my life, no hyperbole

good news: i no longer want to tear out my hair and scratch off my skin and curl up in a ball and cry

[softersinned-arc]

@balldwin​​ said: [ CHIN ]: as they stand close to one another, the sender hooks a finger and tenderly lifts the receiver’s chin, tilting it up so that they can look at one another, and running a thumb across their skin lightly. 

Drink ye all of it, for this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.

          Their hostess is, Astoria thinks, a saint; Johanna, the wife of Baldwin’s younger brother, sits across from her at the table silently as she watches her guest agonize. Between them sits a pomegranate in a simple wooden bowl, perfectly ripe and waiting to be opened, and beside it a letter in an unfamiliar hand bearing instructions. Beside all of this, a chalice, filled near to the brim with hot blood freshly spilled.

          Astoria’s lips had drawn back into a grimace, and she had looked to Johanna, a stranger a mere hour before, in evident distress. “How did he know?” she asked, and Johanna’s smile had grown sympathetic.

          “He knows everything,” she’d answered gently. She has been infinitely gracious, considering that Baldwin (and, by extension, Astoria) had been dispatched to Spain only days before, told to get there as quickly as he could to handle something, the details of which Astoria was not privy to but which she had gathered was related to the Congregation’s demands more so than the family’s endeavors. Baldwin had seemed surprised to see his sister-in-law so far from her husband, more so when Johanna rather warmly informed him that Philippe had left instructions for everyone—but for Astoria first.

          And Philippe’s instructions are simple: they are not to leave Johanna’s house until Astoria has completed her task. The blood smells intoxicating, distracting in its spice and sweetness, and her hands shake with the effort to leave the cup untouched. “Whose blood is it?” she asks hoarsely, and Johanna references the letter between them again.

          “A priest,” she says after a beat. “Philippe selected him—oh my.”

          “What is it?”

          “He says that the priest kept a girl in chains while he exorcised her, until he killed her, just a year ago—oh, dear, are you quite alright?”

          The shaking in her hands will not subside. The scent of the blood is all the more troubling, now that Astoria knows its source, and her mouth waters, and she’s certain that she stinks of hunger. She clears her throat and she presses her palms to the table, and she tries twice before she can speak.

          “And Philippe’s instructions?”

          “Peel the pomegranate for Baldwin, in the presence of the priest’s blood. Every seed must be delivered to him, unbroken. You will be forgiven for the first six you crush, but for no more. And the blood must remain untouched.”

          “And if I fail?”

          Johanna doesn’t answer. Astoria thinks she can guess all the same.

She leaves a trail of crimson in the snow behind her, and she wonders if that’s what he’ll follow to find her. If he bothers to look for her at all, that is; she could hardly blame him if he didn’t.

          She wouldn’t look. No; if she took in a stray that turned around and made this kind of mess, she would wash her hands of it. Baldwin is many things, all of them worthy of her admiration, but he is not endless in his capacity for patience and understanding. And it’s not as though she knows how to explain it, anyway.

          You see, she imagines saying, as she twists her bloodstained fingers in her hair, loose curls tangled from a hundred passes of her nervous hands, I couldn’t stop myself. I was so frightened, so angry, that it was as if a piece of myself ceased to exist and all reason was lost to me. Surely that will go well. Surely he won’t cast her aside after that, send her back to Leonardo to be put back in her cage—

          “—nnn, no,” she whimpers, and she pulls at her hair as if to ground herself with the physical sensation of her pain. “No, no, no, no—”

          —assuming she can survive it, of course. If she’s put back in a cage, no matter how lovely, she thinks it will kill her. She shakes her head and she tucks her elbows in like a shield around her head, bowing forward until her elbows hit her knees.

          When did she lose her shoes? The red on the snow is from her feet, bare and bloody, though she doubts the blood is hers. Besides the blood there is a trail of dead, and Astoria closes her eyes as tightly as she can. Her dress is soaked with gore, her mouth and chin and neck stained with it as she indulged with a savagery she can only describe as animal. If Leonardo locks her up again, and she can’t hunt, he’ll stop feeding her, too, make her utterly dependent on him.

          “No,” she says again, and she presses her heels against the cold stone floor and pushes back with her legs, scrambling across the floor until her back hits a wall. “I won’t, I won’t, no, I won’t, no, no, no—”

          Her voice picks up volume with each word, though it sounds raw, even monstrous. And that’s what she is: out of control and unreliable and monstrous, and the merciful thing to do, she fears, is put her out of her misery.

          Christ, she wants him. It’s the only thought that breaks through her fear: she wants Baldwin with her, though she hasn’t the faintest ideas as to whether he’d comfort her or shun her. No, that’s not fair. Baldwin has shown her shocking kindness, but oh, she hasn’t done this before.

          This is why Leonardo locked me up, crows a voice in the back of her mind that sounds like her own, unfit to leave the house unfit to walk amongst the weak the defenseless I am filth filth filth no NO NO NO.

          She hears footsteps and she draws her legs back to her chest and she hunches her shoulders as if to anticipate a blow. There are two men standing in the doorway to the church but only one who smells familiar, and when the source of the scent approaches her it’s with surprising patience.

          His fingers gently guide her own from her hair, and he takes an elbow with each hand and guides her to stand. She doesn’t fight him, but she looks at him from behind her hair, messed as it is, and she knows her eyes are wild and that she looks horrifying. He won’t harm her; he’s shown no inclination to strike her or discipline her, and she doubts he’ll start now. She waits for the fear to return but it doesn’t.

          Baldwin’s arrival is a blessing. At once, she feels calmer, and that frightens her, too—how little control she has over herself in any direction, how dependent she is upon anyone else, even him, to feel like herself again. He lifts one of his hands from her elbow and he presses a single finger under her chin, tipping her face up towards his even as she tries to avert her eyes.

          “Are you hurt?” he asks, and she shakes her head. Her own hands continue to shake, and she grabs her skirt with both hands, fists her hands so tightly in the fabric she feels one of her fingers push through it. Baldwin’s eyes stay on her face, and when she raises her own to meet his, he looks—

          —relieved? No, that can’t be right. She really is mad.

          “Tell me,” he says, voice low and more comforting than it has any right to be, and he traces his thumb along the swell of her lower lip with a tenderness that leaves her winded.

          Is this a game? He can be cruel, she knows, but he’s never been cruel to her, so why start now?

          “I thought I saw him.” It sounds childish and petulant and immeasurably foolish, but it’s the truth. “Evander. I thought I saw him. There was—him, he, he had the same face. Wasn’t him. Was a human. Oh. Oh, God, I wasn’t—”

          “Why did you think it was him?”

          “Face. Voice. Even the way he moved. Must have been a coincidence, but I had to kill him.”

          “Why did you have to kill him?”

          He’s not scolding her, she realizes belatedly. The questions aren’t meant to trap her. He asks earnestly, as though the most important thing now is that she learn how to answer.

          “So he couldn’t take me back.”

          “Back to what?”

          “I was in chains for eight years.” Her voice grows smaller, almost childish. “And he enchanted them so I couldn’t break free. I broke my own arms trying to escape and he let them heal wrong so he could break them again to fix them. Strung me up and bled me. Ran me through with—anything with a blade, anything he could use, to see what I could withstand—killed my sister. Left her to rot just out of my reach—the monastery stank of decay and I had to watch—and I smelled his blood and he was with his friends and I couldn’t stop until they were all dead or I’d never be safe again and I—”

          She trails off and she looks at him desperately.

          “I won’t do it again,” she says with a sudden ferocity. “I won’t live in chains again.” She lifts her chin. “And if you send me back to Leonardo I won’t go. I won’t be locked away, either.” Her next words are less defiant, and there’s real fear there. “He only wants me when I’m too weak to push back and I won’t be weak, not for him, never for him again.”

          She sounds mad. Perhaps she really is.

          “I don’t intend to send you back to him.” There’s a ferocity in his voice, too, one that matches her own. “And I don’t intend to lock you away.”

          “I know. I’m sorry. I was frightened. I wasn’t—I wasn’t myself. I’m not myself. I’m—you’ve looked after me. I’m not in danger. Not from you. I know. I know.”

          Astoria’s voice changes when she speaks of him. She’s noticed it only recently; there’s a tone she adopts only when speaking to Baldwin, or about him. And his presence soothes, and his scent reminds her of home.

          All she needed to feel safe was to be with him again. She feels it already.

          “Alain.” The summons is directed at the other man, forgotten to Astoria in the intensity of her own emotion. “Deal with this.”

          Alain. One of Philippe de Clermont’s men. No doubt he’ll report back that she’s unreliable, even dangerous. Baldwin continues to speak, but she loses track of it, hit with a wave of dizziness that has her stumbling, her hands flying out to catch him and take hold of him as though he is the only thing that can keep her afloat.

          What will she do when he tires of her? She already feels half-mad when he’s away from her, like there’s a physical pain in her chest at his absence, no matter how long it lasts. No doubt that without him she will take those last steps away from reason and the ache she feels will widen into a chasm and she’ll fall into it and be wholly lost to herself. Baldwin catches her, an arm winding around her waist, the hand at her chin moving to her throat, and she knows that she should not want to give him such power over her but it’s the only thing she wants, to know he could kill her, to know that he won’t.

          What is happening to her?

          “Home,” she asks quietly, desperately. “I want to go home.”

          But if he asked her to stay here with him, surrounded by blood and death and the evidence of her countless failures, this would be home, too.

It matters more than she thinks it should, that Philippe someday approve of her. Even so, she thinks nothing of Philippe as she breaks the fruit open gingerly. The first seed she touches bursts in her hand, and she closes her eyes and waits until the quiver in her hand halts. Five more chances to do this right.

          She is a weapon, a blunt instrument. Her strength cannot stand up to most wearh but it is profound enough to be problematic. One by one she plucks the seeds and drops them carefully in the bowl, and she tries not to breathe too much.

          But it’s not strength she needs now. It’s control. Control, endurance—another seed breaks, rivulets of red draining from her palm and leaving sweet trails along her palm and wrist. Four left. “Does Baldwin know of this test?” she asks, and Johanna shakes her head.

          “We can tell him when you’ve finished. But Philippe wanted it this way, and he is—not the sort of man you question.”

          She thinks of Baldwin, the power in his hands, the way he held her chin like she was something infinitely fragile. She takes each seed with painstaking caution and care, and she thinks of him. The scent of his skin, even under the gore she left there. His fingers, careful as they worked the tangles out of her hair and helped her scrub the blood from the strands. His voice as he promised that he would not send her back to anyone who locked her away, who starved her, who made her feel so helpless—

          One more seed breaks, only when she thinks of what it would be to be without him. She thinks she would be less herself.

          When she’s finished Johanna offers her the blood, but she declines it, leaves it for her hostess to drink. Instead, she brings the bowl through the house, along with the letter, until she finds Baldwin—he’s sitting at a desk, a pen in one hand, the other running idly through his hair as he thinks, and she feels her breath catch and her chest tighten and she simply stands and watches him in silence.

          She very nearly drops the bowl, and all her hard work.

          What has he done to her?

          His eyes rise from the papers in front of him and he frowns at the bowl until she deposits it in front of him. His fingers brush hers as he takes the letter, and his jaw tightens as he reads it, but he remains silent until he’s finished. When Baldwin looks up at her, she thinks, for a moment, she can see a hint of pride in his face.

          “How many broke?”

          “Three.”

          “Good girl. You exceeded his expectations.”

          She laughs at that, ignores the way her stomach flips and her throat feels tight and her palms begin to itch and her fingers want to reach for him. They stand in silence for a long moment, until he gestures to the bowl.

          “Sit,” he instructs. “Eat. And I’ll tell you why we’re here.”

          When did he crawl under her skin? Carve out a home for himself inside her bones?

          It feels right, to sit beside him and listen, turned toward him with an openness she shows no one else. It feels as though the space has been left empty for her.

[amtrak12]

It's been days since I finished reading Over the Influence and I still have JoJo's music stuck in my head.

[mayordeas-clone]

genuinely, where the actual hell would i be today if i didn't just decide to get back into vocaloid music for the heck of it during the pandemic