#yes i am posting this here bc i can scream into the void lol

[ilovetheaffection]

I feel like if you’re going to someone’s house you’ve never met, like expecting them to know what you like and don’t, if it’s not talked about before is kind of a big ask. What I don’t think is a big ask is the woman who has been my aunt for 33 years ( my whole life ) knowing what I like and don’t like when she invites me over for dinner and having at least one item I can eat.

[valmorcel]

About my fic: Just Kiss Her.

Want to take Tumblr as the blog thing it is so i´m expanding a little about the huntlow fanfic i wrote a while ago called Just Kiss Her. If you haven't read it feel free to check it out here:

So, I wrote this one before Any Sport in a Sport aired. And it was not about the grimwalker thing at the beginning, it was, ironically, Willow discovering Hunter was the Golden Guard, because I thought Hunter will go like a spy in the emperor's coven. Anyway, that wasn't the principal point; the fic is full of headcanons and the most important is how Willow and Hunter first kiss could go.

The first ever idea was they starting as a date, still not dating, were Hunter would take Willow to a special place in the Boiling Isles, this after The Day of Unity with Belos already defeated.

The scene of the kiss was calmer even if Hunter still fliches away, the situation was quickly resolved by our protagonists, but i didn't like the way i was making the situation too blushy for both of them. Don't get me wrong. I love loser behaviour in Huntlow, still i wasn't fully convinced of the interactions and i was lacking of more canon information to keep writing, also i wanted to add Willow perspective of Hunter and what i was doing was feeling a little forced by my shipping mind, so i abandoned the fic.

Then ASiaS happened, then Labyrinth Runners happened, Then King's Tide and everything else happened. I had a clear idea how Willow and Hunter could function together and i loved it, so i changed a tone of stuff of the original fic keeping three principal ideas:

The pinning.

Break Point.

A confession.

I loved to make them have two different point of view about love and how they worked their feelings for each other in this fic. Mostly of the first chapter of Hunter's perspective is written by the time of the very first draft, so I think you can notice some of their behaviours are out of character, but tbh there's nothing i would change about it. I loved the little rosegold i put in there, I loved how oblivious and silly Hunter was bc i knew that boy would be very happy in the Human Realm (something to mention, i used to have a hc that Hunter would not want to return to the boiling isles for fear, but that's another story). I loved to make them talk, because, they talk a lot in the fic. I think Hunter and Willow talk a lot behind the scenes (lol) The thing with penstagram, the "this is what happens when you get lost for a week". Hunter and Willow talk a lot and/or spent a lot of time together and no one is changing my mind.

Grimwalker narrative between huntlow is very important for me, and i think we should expect a lot with this confrontation in the last episodes of the series. I'm not lying when i say i cried writing Hunter vulnerability in here, and the strong desire of Willow to protect those she loves. I loved to write Willow in this fic because sometimes we only focus in the most obvious signals of crushing (and yes, i include myself since i scream everytime Hunter blushes). Willow subtles signs of love and caring are such a nice concept to explore, and I would never had thought something like that in the first drafts, so i am happy i left those ideas and wrote this instead.

This is probably the work i am more proud of in terms of charaterization, i was so happy with the results that i even did a little piece of art of the Hunter and Amity talk about feeling and love, lmao. I loved the rosegold in the fic too. Amity is a great support character even in fics. Actually, i am so satisfied how all the hesquad interacted in here to help the losers.

The art in question:

If you have already read it, let me know any opinion about it! I'm currently into a Vinira void with toh fanfics, but i promise to post some huntlow scenarios soon <3

PS: forget the typos, idk if i have, but i probably do.

[visceravalentines]

anyway this turned into a longer rant than intended lol

tfw ur so desperate for attention/validation you straight up send your stuff to friends and still don't get feedback or anything

like imagine having 9 reblogs and 7 are yours

tbh might as well rename my blog to something pleasenoticemeimdesperate

sorry having a meh day

then seeing that other writers nice fics don't get reblogs, and some are thinking of just leaving tumblr completely due to that

not like I'm writing atm anyway lmao

I think I haven't really written since like 2018

I just feel like no one cares

the worst is when I look back and see things from back when other friends still cared about my OCs and writing cause due to that I know what it feels like to have at least one or two people be into your stuff

also and this is probably kinda selfish but it does kinda hurt to see writers stopping to write or post on here due to little interactions when you're one of the people who do reblog lmao

makes me even feel bad for not reblogging or reading stories from fandoms I don't care about

My dude, I feel you, and I am so sorry you feel this way. I've been thinking about the reading/writing community on here a lot lately too. It really feels like people are accustomed to endless content for absolutely no effort on their part, an algorithm that just hands them things they like over and over and all they have to do is say "yes please."

I try hard to leave comments and reblog fics because I know how exciting those notes are. At the same time, it can feel kind of daunting to be responding to everything I interact with and hoping that it's meaningful and doesn't come across wrong and if it does, it will stand out bc it's one of the few.

Ultimately I try to write what I want to write for myself, so that even if no one else likes it, I still do. That being said, anyone who says you don't need any readership to feel fulfilled as a writer is crazy to me, because why write if not to have someone read it? We're all here looking for interaction, love, don't feel ashamed of that.

I don't have a solution for you, but to you and any of my writer friends, please consider this an open invitation to tag me when you post work or even message me to say you just wrote something and you want it to be read! I am more than happy to help build this writer community however I can. And to the readers, we LOVE you! We love to hear anything you have to say, anything at all! Keysmash even, those are good. Anything to let us know we're not just screaming into the void.

[puppy-phum]

hahaha ok so it’s jatn appreciation hours again and now that i’ve actually even changed my url to match this insanity, am going to yell about this LOUDER. and maybe yall will listen or not which is also fine but hear me out: this drama is actually just so very amazing and i would like to commit crimes for it 

look at this baby bean. receiving the rose he deserves. this is one of the reasons for my url btw (also yes just bros being bros) 

idk how much i said last time but i also want yall to see my best girl chacha, she’s so pretty and just a delight:

i love her so much. it’s been a while since i’ve liked a female character this much but she just manages to be everything ♥ her whole story is just so good. her characterization is on point. and am just. all of their stories are so good and li jia manages to hit me the strongest but wow, chacha. my dear chacha. she’s so strong and so kind and just full of light ♥ she deserves the world

that being said, if anyone wonders what jatn is about? i don’t think that any summaries really do it justice. but it’s about friendship and about mental health and about kindness and struggles and the reasons life is worth living. it’s about sharing pain with others and about not giving up and facing life with all of its pains and joys. it’s about walking through the darkness bc it’s worth it in the end. it’s about mysteries and normal ppl suffering in silence and about understanding and unconditional love and most of all, hope. 

idk how else to summarize. it really is a journey, pun intended. it manages to slap you in the face and punch you into gut and hug you and comfort you in so many ways. just take a cup of hot tea and a package of tissues with you and enjoy.

li jia deserves all the happiness in this world, he’s given so much away for everyone else it’s unfair ;;

he’s just a puppy (tho i gotta say that his hairstyle in this drama just throws me off sometimes lol what a nerd (affectionate) ♥)

just look at him ;; also wow i actually bought some clothes just to copy this style haha

also no one can ever stop me from loving this trio?? they are just SO GOOD. they are so fun to watch and they are so supportive and understanding of each other and their struggles and they have so much love in between them. i just want them to make a big puppy pile and cuddle the heck out of each other. i have so many ideas for writing. i have 11 pages of notes from the drama bc of this. i will probably never get into it but IMAGINE

his smiles are a treasure to be cherished and i wish he got more of those instead of only pain and tears ;; but fortunately there are happy tears too!! just go watch, it’s worth it 

one more puppy for yall. also i wish i could explain the meaning of my url here but i don’t want to spoil anything to anyone. just let me tell you that i love the chapter “don’t want to say goodbye”. it punches me every time and leaves me breathless. i love it that zeng shunxi actually remembers that and asked about the rose/rosette nebula during this one show where they went star gazing. i appreciate him carrying this show around at least a lil bit. 

did this post have a point? not really. this is just me screaming into the void. i love this drama so much. i love the main trio even more. i love li jia and would like to just hug him to my chest and tell him he’s doing amazing. 

pls give jatn a chance if you like some sweet but not overwhelming romance, mystery, tiny bits of horror/supernatural elements, mental health topics, friendship/found family stuff, some soft humor and shenanigans, and if you just want to feel warm all over. it’s a dark drama but full of hope and understanding towards humane pain. also it’s cool. would like to see more of it. (am afraid how badly they would ruin that but in my dreams it would be amazing) 

(once again just annoyingly tagging @humanlighthouse​ as well as @ashenlights​ and @i-am-just-a-kiddo​ ♥ sorry and thank you, i love you guys ♥)

[solomonish]

Not gonna lie, but I’m kinda curious about that aforementioned character playlists. . .

oh HELL yes my time has COME

so i really like making character playlists when i’m bored because it helps me get a feel for the character? and sometimes it’s just a lot of fun to put a song in there that doesn’t necessarily match and try to come up with a justification for it, you know? when i make playlists, some of the songs match them entirely, while some just give off a vibe with their genre or specific tune, others match because of the title, and some just have really good lyrics or a good line or two. sometimes i just add in a song i think they’d like to listen to! really, there’s not a lot of strict method between choosing songs, and i don’t stick to one specific type of music for any given playlist!

i have playlists for all seven brothers and solomon right now. the other nowdateables....i don’t have enough of a grasp on them right now to make a playlist for them? so they’re still upcoming. each playlist is subject to little tweaks, like adding or removing the occasional song, but most of the playlists are finished! The only two that might change the most are Beelzebub’s and Satan’s. Beel’s has the least songs and they’re all revolving around food and eating (at least the titles are) but i just......i don’t know his character well enough to branch out from that yet. Satan’s feels like I just shoved all of the songs i liked by fall out boy in a playlist and called it a day, so I’ll be reworking that one and tailoring it more to him instead of making it more like “hehe angery boy angy”

i am planning to make cute little playlist edits to properly introduce the playlists, but i can go ahead and give you a little intro to the playlists right now! 

and you can find all of my playlists right here! (spotify - might make them on youtube later!) ((double note: a few playlists had a couple kpop songs on them and recently some sort of deal with spotify expired so if you see gaps in the playlists, that’s why! feel free to ask what was there if you’re curious bc i think i remember? let’s hope anyway))

Solomon

Solomon’s is half a love letter (the beginning being a lot of love songs/songs meant to be sung to another person) and half a character playlist lol. His is the newest and it might be my favorite, but I don’t know if that’s because he’s my favorite or because of the songs. Probably both?

Favorite additions: Willow by Taylor Swift and Meet Me In The Woods by Lord Huron. Church by Aly & AJ is up there, too.

Lucifer

Lucifer’s is one where a lot of my decisions came from song title and vibe over actual content, but I still think a lot of it worked! His is the one with the most allusions to their angel days because he just...he’s the one who reminds me of it the most? He’s got a lot of songs titled “Halo” or “Oh My Dear Lord” or “Devil’s Den” and I’m not 100% sure why alksjlksdf. His is also the only one with his character song in it (though I’m probably gonna add Belphie’s into his) because those are the one’s I feel fit the vibes I already had in the playlists when the songs came out lol

Favorite Additions: The Lovers Dancing by Innerpartysystem, Saints by Echos, and Bubble by Danny Blu (Mr.Kitty Remix).

Mammon

Mammon’s has a lot of those songs that are like “haha i’m so rich and I’ve got chicks for days” while also having a lot of songs that are like “dance till we’re the last ones standing and it’s just you and me.” I feel like that kind of wanting the MC to himself fits without being too....eh? I don’t know? Too Much? He also has a lot of high-energy pop/house/edm/whatever because (especially after his character song came out) I feel like that’s what fits him!

Favorite Additions: Collide by Breathe Carolina, Inseparable by The Jonas Brothers, Big Plans by Why Don’t We.

Leviathan

Levi’s was the first one I made!! Although funnily enough I don’t have a lot to say about it? The music here is probably some of the most varied (or maybe i’m just making it up in my mind) and the songs range from “this describes levi” to “this describes being self conscious” to “this is about breaking out of the friend zone” to “pretty sure this song was popular in AMVs and nightcore” LOL but i think it ended up with being a really good playlist WITHOUT relying solely on like. anime OPs and EDs and vocaloid and stuff like that.

Favorite Additions: They Say You Won’t Come Back by Breathe Carolina, Just a Friend To You by Meghan Trainor, and Doubt by Twenty One Pilots.

Satan

Again, I’m not sure if my choices for him were genius or stupid but man did i make them. A lot of the beginning songs were me just trying to get a /feel/ for him because I’m still working out the balance between wrath and the rest of his personality so...subject to change but maybe not? Maybe I’ll just add a few less angry songs...but I still think what I have right now is good! I wouldn’t show you otherwise!

Favorite Additions: Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift, Duality by Set It Off, and Anti-Gravity by RUNAGROUND.

Asmodeus

Asmo’s playlist feels like one you’d put on while getting ready to go out with The Girls if you know what I mean? It does deal heavily with like. partying and songs about sex but it’s not gross? I don’t know how to explain it without it sounding that way lol. It’s not ALL sex and partying but I wanted a playlist that sounded like the color pink without just being bubblegum pop. I don’t know, I think it works lol

Favorite Additions: BFF by Slayyyter and Ayesha Erotica, Death By Sex by Kim Petras, queen of broken hearts by blackbear

Beelzebub

This is the one I have the least to say about 👉👈😔 no beel disrespect I just have a hard time reading his personality and, at least as far as I’ve gotten, the story kinda puts him on the backburner. but! i’m pretty happy with the songs i did end up choosing, even if they almost all have titles regarding food alskdfjdk

Favorite Additions: Eat Your Heart Out by WALK THE MOON and Starving by Hailee Steinfeld

Belphegor

This one!! For the longest time this one used to be my favorite because it has the barest semblance of character development? It doesn’t have a story or anything and the order is all coincidence BUT i feel like if you at least go in expecting this, maybe you’ll get a sense of feeling him slowly change his attitudes towards MC and fall in love? maybe? I don’t know maybe I just really like belphie alkdsf

Favorite Additions: HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T by Fall Out Boy, Please Don’t Say by Breathe Carolina, hot girl bummer by blackbear

and these are my playlists!! Like I said, I’m hoping to make cute edits so I can make posts about them but maybe that won’t even happen and I’ll just scream about them into the void one day lol feel free to let me know what you think and give me any suggestions (especially for beel!!) no hard feelings if i don’t put in any suggested songs though, i may ask for help but I’m also Extremely Picky aksdfds

[endmyfandomstucksuffering]

i found cardboard and it was good to draw on but it was small but i like it so i draw all my YouTube fandoms i made so far this is gonna be a long one still bad at art i’ll improve give me a chance

Headcannons, left to right then up to down:

DanPlan (my fav) Thief of Space (the animator batch needed a space player), daggerPlots [DP] (#17b911) Perfect in every way, just writes d like c| because it looks cool. Prospit. Land of Zombies and Frogs [LOZAF] A difficult person to describe in one sentence.

DP is not murderous. Like many fandoms, he (yes, he. i headcannon fandoms as the gender of their main character/focus if not ungendered.) he likes to take the personality of their creator. As such, he is on edge 24/7, going to die, antisocial, a wuss, and takes compliments the way Hosuh all in one. He has a constant “let’s go!” in his head. Probably going to stay that way for two billion years. Also brags that his planet sounds cool. Will betray you.

Jaiden Animations - Page of Mind. deadArtist (#c804cf) either has no effort or tries the best she can to type. No in between. Prospit. Land of Birds and Apples [LOBAA]. Nice and chill and don’t hurt them.

An average banana. Antisocial and hasn’t seen the sun in two years. However, she’s got a good art skill and is the best at art, pets, and strategy in the group. Possible morail or even matesprit in TheOdd1sOut.

TheOdd1sOut - Rouge of Breath. odderOne (#7eeadf) no capitalization except for names of fandoms like Jaiden and complete capitalization for NUMBER words. Derse (since there’s a big focus on childhood on the channel). Land of Moths and Sooubway [LOMAS] Isn’t even that odd actually.

Jaiden, but not as good at stuff and more carefree and probably drunk. Likes to think that they (TO1O is nongendered bc) are morails with Jaiden.

SomethingElseYT - Sylph of Doom. randomAdam (i really like that one) (#a92424) no periods so it looks like dave’s quirk but as you can see it isn’t...lol Derse. Land of Common Sense [LOCS] just a demon stay away unless you want a conversation this guy is like adam but even more chill unless you put gum in his hair

Boyinaband - Heir of Time. fasterDiss (#700000) no effort in typing and oftenjumbleshiswordssuperfast. Prospit. Land of AI and Mics [LOAIAM] Chill and supportive, a mix of Dave and John (if you’re here and haven’t read homestuck something is wrong).

Though not the best at rap, they (nongendered) are a nice singer and likes to listen to music. Need help? Call ‘em and they’ll help. Chill. Very chill.

Domics - Knight of Rage. shortPanganiban (#65000b) Derse. Land of LootCrate and Comics [LOLAC]. Cool, but complains a lot. Conclude about the Knight of Rage. i also realized i am the same height as domics while researching

i just realized i don’t have shit for tonyvtoons and i am sorry

I did Mini, but i didn’t do personality - this guy sucks. Though a supportive Sylph of Hope, he treats his creator horribly. He still loves him though. He’s kind. You’d wanna be friends with him.

i already did the smitty and vape weeb

RTGame is litterally Mini. Sylph of Void. rossTumble (#5218fa) Perfect~ Ends all sentences with~ If in the mood, capitalized all Rs and Ts~ Land of Tsunamis and Rats [LOTAR] will taunt RT and also is sometimes very stupid lol

i didn’t like this let me explain studios but whatever - Witch of Heart. mouthlessFairy (#0088ff) Perfect unless screaming. Land of Ghosts and Passes [LOGAP]. i didn’t make headcannons for her lol i dunno what i did with her

thanks for the read :D i prob won’t post much soon tho

[smores100]

lmao i feel the same way when people say the italian (or any of the remakes) version is better. i don't really care about the remakes so i'm mostly following them through you but i also dislike the fact that they look way older than 17/19. the worst thing is ive seen people say that those who complain about their age just want to fetishize them but like...i feel the same way about any show where adults play teens. lol sorry i got carried away

hah at least i only post about 4 of them so you don’t have to suffer too much, it could’ve been worse :p

yay i’m not the only one who feels this way 👊 i know it’s stupid to get so upset and butthurt about it, but i can’t help it. idc as much with the other seasons bc i’m not as emotionally attached to them as i am to s3, and as much as i love skam i can admit it has plenty of problems. but, and i’ve mentioned it before, s3 is like….sacred afaic. it’s so layered and complex, so brilliant, so perfect and flawless. how can you say *anything* is better than that? especially when i see things that are (to me) so obviously *not* better (i’ve read some great posts about it too). so then you have people flailing and waxing poetic about how much better this and that is, and i’m here screaming into the void ‘but it’s not???????? how do you not see this?!?! WHY AM I ALONE IN THIS????’ i’m highly frustrated most days, ngl. 

yes THANK YOU! i’ve been bitching about their ages from day one and i know it’s hella annoying, but it really bothers me, it’s why i didn’t get past the first clip of s1. it’s been rather frustrating being the only one bothered by it (what’s wrong with me that only i care???), so good to know i’m not the only one. saying that those who complain about it just want to fetishize them doesn’t make much sense tho? if all i cared about was fetishizing two guys kissing then wouldn’t i watch it DESPITE how old they look? like why would i complain about anything (or even not watch at all) in that case, just bring on the homosexuals! ya know?

the most annoying thing to me tho was this call out post that had a bunch of pics of characters from american shows like glee, riverdale, the oc etc, and was like ‘you think martino’s actor looks too old to play a teenager but those guys doing it seems totally realistic to you huh lol’ and like….no? that’s missing the point? obviously i can only speak for myself, but it’s always been weird to me seeing adults playing teens, it’s completely unrealistic, but that’s the case for almost EVERY american show and movie, so after a while you just get used to it. if this was just any other show, i’d probably be ‘lol he doesn’t look 17’ and kept on watching bc that’s just how it is. but this isn’t just some random show - THIS IS A REMAKE! IT’S BASED ON SOMETHING THAT ALREADY EXISTS! it’s the same characters, there’s something to COMPARE them to, so ofc my brain is going to compare! and since in skam most of them *were* teens, the difference is so big and obvious that i can’t ignore it, and it just really, really bothers me. plus, the thing about skam that made it so different and special was how natural and realistic it was - something that those other shows never tried or claimed to be. THAT’S why i have a problem with it. i expected the remakes to channel og skam’s vibe, so when they channel typical american teen dramas, it feels off for me. and like….isak is supposed to be smol and young and vulnerable, even is supposed to be the older one, the one taking the lead in this new relationship, but i just don’t get that AT ALL with skamit. they look the same age to me, they look like a couple of 20 something, and *for me* it affects the story being told. some people don’t have a problem with it, cool for them, but i think it’s a valid complaint. i’ve seen some people say that even tho the cast is 20+ that’s how italian teens look like….i find it hard to believe that anyone looks the same at 21 as they did when they were 16/17, but hey i’m not italian so what do i know. *shrugs*

i have more things to rant about, but i’ve ranted long enough and i don’t actually want to offend anyone. enjoy what you want, even if idgi, it’s my own problem that i get upset and don’t know how to deal with it like a normal human being! 🙃

[rookiewithachance]

tag gameeee

i was tagged by the ever so lovely @theyugiohtrashcan <3 A- age: 19! B- birthplace: fukin Florida C- current time: 11:55 D- drink you had last: water bb! I had to take my meds this morning lol E- easiest person to talk to: back atcha @theyugiohtrashcan​ F- favorite song: kdsjsalkdsga fuckin idk man. I love music. Probably something from Be More Chill or Hamilton right now. I’ll put it as a tie between Michael in the Bathroom, Two Player Game, One Last Time, and Wait For It bc i cant decide  G- grossest memory: yikes uh...... idk I tend to block out most of the gross things but I remember all too vividly when I got my wisdom teeth removed they gave me a pain medication that had sulfur in it, which I was allergic to but didn’t know?? So Kat was over keeping me company while I whined about my mouth hurting when I got really sick. Like, throwing up then sitting on the bathroom floor with a cool washcloth on your forehead waiting for the next wave to hit you level of sick. She was htg a real trooper and a sweet heart, and stayed with me until the worst of it passed, and I couldn’t sleep, eat, or take any pain medication for the next... idk like twelve hours or so??? while we waited for the stuff to get out of my system H- horror yes or horror no: No but lowkey a little yes. I’ve been watching less of it recently which helps my mental health but I still get that little thrill from horror even though it gives me nightmares and only feeds into my anxiety????? its a mess lol J- jealous of people: Ya dude. I’ve had a jealousy problem for years, that I think stems from my anxiety K- killed someone: it was the summer of 1963........................... L- love at first sight or should i walk by again?: Kat seems to have stolen my views on this: No, but I can be drawn to someone at first sight, usually because of what they’re doing or what they’re saying that I happen to overhear but I’m not really attracted to... looks?? If that makes sense?? I mean I have a “type” bc literally every girl i’ve dated has been kinda similar (primarily short and chubby.............. ehehe), but I won’t date someone or be attracted to them just because of that?? If that makes sense?? M- middle name: Ann. boring i know N- number of siblings: none bb oNLY CHILD SWAG O- one wish: uh?? i guess to not have to worry about money. while it would be nice to magically become neurotypical, i don’t feel like??? I would be the same person??? not that my mental illnesses are part of my personality, but they’ve taught me a lot and those lessons are a huge part of who i am today so.... yeah, probably the money thing. either always having enough money for what i need or just. living in a post-currency society. either is good P- person you called last: the last person who called me was my mother, but the last person I myself called.....? I think it was my manager Q- question you’re always asked: does Kelli is gay? or just stuff about my sexuality in general, especially being a gray ace lesbian. that confuses a lot of people in the south.......... part of the reason i’m going to college somewhere a little less southern tbh R- reason to smile: FUCKIN LIFE DUDE. LISTEN OK IM A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR AND I GET H*CKED UP ABOUT HTIS. LIFE IS A GODDAMN ANOMALY AND THERES NO REASON THAT ANY OF US SHOULD BE OR ARE HERE AND YET W E F U C K I N A R E. THATS SHITTIN AWESOME DUDE. IM HERE HAVIN A GOOD TIME WITH A GOOD FRIEND CHILLIN OUT AND WERE BOTH HERE AND ALIVE AND WE EXIST EXACTLY THE WAY WE ARE THAT HTATS HELLA GUYS S- song you sang last: ksjafldkjalksgje it was probably something Hamilton, Kat’s right. was it Take a Break??? probablu T- top 3 fictional characters: i cant choose........................ uhhh i guess Michael Mell from Be More Chill (Jeremy and Christine are close seconds, but i need my Nerdy Depressed Anxious Chubby Son) probably tops the charts right now, Humbee from MINIBOSS (an excellent comic on dA, i suggest it to everyone), aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Nightcrawler/Kurt Wagner from X-Men! U- underwear color: //has to check// ok yeah i was right, they’re blue with bright yellow lacey trim V- vacation: uh..........................??? im not sure what this question means, but Kat answered it like her ideal vacation so... idk probably going to a big city like NYC or Seattle (which is on my bucket list to visit) with money to throw around and just. go see shows and explore. W- when’s your birthday: June 15! It just happened lol X- x-rays: uhhhhhhhhhhh. the last one I had was earlier this year when I was really really sick and I had to get checked for pneumonia??? i didnt have pneumonia but i had strep that i didn’t take care of properly which could have turned into pneumonia but turned into bronchitis instead Y- your favorite food: fuckin. idk man. i like food. Z- zodiac sign: im a mf gemini

and can i get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll tag @ifyoujustbelieveinme, @sorry--imfangirling, @sonofdysonsphere, @kaiju-genital-thunderstorm, @fangirltothefullest, @fanofallthingsadorkable, and @consistant-screaming-to-the-void! Plus anyone else who wants to do this, if you’re looking for a reason to do one of these, this is it!! IM TAGGING YOU BITCH, just put me as the person who tagged you bc i wanna see it :3

[rearviewrosary]

oh hey i figured out how to do read mores on mobile lol

let me preface this by saying i know im in a place of incredible privilege to be attending higher education and being vaccinated, esp compared to the rest of the world. ALSO cw for body image issues + ED mention

having covid cut my first year at college short fucked me over. i was FINALLY making friends outside the group of juniors + seniors i was introduced to by my best friend. i was maybe even going to try to go on dates w a girl i had a crush on! and all that obviously came to a staggering halt.

and like, i was on campus last fall semester. it was lonely ngl - i had my friend r who was basically my only friend nearby who i could see more than once a month. there was no possibility to even try to make friends in my building or on campus bc of restrictions (which are COMPLETELY understandable) and had i been able to stay spring semester maybe things would be different (i was at home this past semester bc my mom's health had a very sudden drop and my dad was doing p much nothing to take care of her or my 16 y/o sister so i had to be home to like. get groceries! make sure my sister was doing her work! keep mom eating! make sure my early onset alzheimers father got to his drs appointments and took his medicine and so forth!)

but this upcoming semester im so nervous. (besides r, who is now living nearby campus) im not gonna have...anyone, basically that im truly comfortable with and know outside of shared prev classes. and that's so fucking scary. and it's making feel intense regret over every thing i could have gone to my freshman year pre covid, every social event i missed out on, parties i declined to go to, etc.

and i was trying to be independent and become friends w myself and love being by myself and it was going actually pretty good but I've also experienced a major halt in that and a certain convo w a very close irl friend of mine made me realize. i am so terrified of burdening and bothering people and its sorta like, i was in fact doing that.

so like, if you've read this far, i guess i want to ask: is it like...too late to join clubs (im technically a junior now)? like, will i find my niche? am i too worried about this? do you have any suggestions ig?? words of comfort??? like, i was trying to work on putting myself out there and becoming more comfortable with myself and not caring about what others (ie strangers) think of me but. it's been so fucking hard this past year.

and like my body self esteem is constantly fucking ricocheting between "wow you're sexy as he'll" and "holy shit you're literally so fucking gross and fat and look at how skinny your friends are and (unfortunate ED/bad food thoughts im not subjecting you to here) and im trying to develop an exercise schedule and eating healthy in this damn house is near impossible unfortunately lol and my internship makes it so i can't go to the lake or out bc im expected to be working 40hr/week and by the time the weekend comes the lake is a) busy as FUCK and b) the weather has been ass on the weekends lately and i want to get healthy and YES it's for body reasons i KNOW that's bad but my god my dysmorphia* hasn't been this bad since fucking middle school and it makes me think im like, 3x my size and misproportioned and ugh. also a very close friend of mine told me earlier this year that "I'm not *that* big" and not gonna lie i kinda wanted to die when she said that. if you're an irl reading this you might be able to figure out who said it lol 💔 BUT this relates bc im terrified of how people view me and it's affecting how i present myself and interact w ppl lol

*ive had dysmorphia since childhood so please don't tell me im just experiencing internalized fatphobia bc i admit i am! but it also goes beyond that.

um if u made it this far can u like this post so im not entirely screaming into the void 💛