ilovetheaffection

[ilovetheaffection]

I'm sure you thought I was definitely gone and I mean, I guess I am. My pc isn't even being used. Its not even hooked up. I don't know how easy it is to use the app for writing.

I wanted to pop in though and let everyone know that I do miss everyone. My muses here. My writing partners. The past months have been..a lot. My health. Trying to sort out my dad's health. Managing two households and caring for my grandmother. She broke her hip a few weeks ago. And was recovering post surgery. But she had a lot of health issues and ended up back in the hospital. She eventually got to rehab again. But she only made it a few days before she passed away on the 4th of July. And now we are dealing with the loss, while trying to handle her final affairs ( house, possessions) and settle into a new normal. Our lives for three plus years have been helping to care for her and now that's over. So we are...lost in many ways. I'm not sure I've processed it yet. Not really. I feel a bit numb. I don't know what to do or how to help..anyone. I'm doing my very best to find out how I can though.

I haven't forgotten anyone or the things we've done together on tumblr. And to those of you who still keep in touch on disc. I appreciate it. And even if we've lost touch because I've been missing, I hope that you are doing well and that you're happy. Because life..can change in a moment. And it's too short to do anything but love each other.

Yours, Vervain.

[ilovetheaffection]

Happy Sunday 😊 to everyone. I'm gonna work on my asks in Google docs later so I can just get on and post them tonight. I have to go out in a bit to paint my dad's Christmas present. But feel free to message me on disco at vervain means pain#1760

[ilovetheaffection]

what we almost had starters edit as you see fit!

it’s not like i never tried to tell you

why did you never say anything?

why did you just let me go?

i used to think that would be us some day, you know

remember when we used to speak of ‘forever’ like it meant something to someone else?

i try so hard not to look back but… every time i see you, it’s like a whiplash straight into a myriad of what if’s

if i had any idea that feelings would resurface this easily, i wouldn’t have shown up

was there ever a time where you thought, you know, maybe there is a chance after all?

did we ever figure out why it didn’t work

this is the part where i say ‘i wanted us to last’ but without any ‘us’ to begin with, what should i say?

how do you speak to someone who doesn’t know just how long you’ve loved them?

you could have said something, you know, anything would have worked

i would have jumped at any opportunity to actually try

were we just cowards or did we see some danger another version of us ended up suffering through?

okay, but if you’d known, would you have said anything?

i loved you, i really did, i loved you enough to wish i’d never started

new home, new people, new life, i feel out of place by how out of place i feel near you

we were nothing to each other, nothing like that, so why do i feel like an awkward ex?

how do you look into the eyes of someone you’ve ever only confessed in silence to?

or maybe you were just leading me on or maybe i was or maybe it doesn’t matter anymore

people used to ask me all the time if we’d finally taken that step

sometimes it’s just like that, nothing happens and no one knows why

would you have loved me if given the chance?

no, you’re right, i thought i had all the time in the world and made you wait needlessly, endlessly

you could have stayed, you could have sat down, stayed longer, held my hand, instead of running away again and again and again

thinking back on all the glances and the nothings after feels like drifting through underdeveloped memories, where your mind knows what should have been but the image doesn’t intend to lie for its sake

i should have said something, maybe, or maybe i should have said less

would it have worked if we’d wanted it less or did we never want it enough

maybe it didn’t work out because we were placeholders, just set in place to long for fruitlessly to avoid pursuing something real

looking into your eyes and seeing how you’ve moved on, what am i even doing here?

even if i don’t want you know, i still can’t help but want that you’d wanted me back then

is it vile of me? to hope some part of you regrets never having held a part of me?

i did never get to learn how to love you loudly, that sticks around, you know

how many people have you kissed wondering if i might have tasted the same

i’ve never seen someone to substitute you but i’ve never not thought of you as a standard to choose by, either

it would have happened, if your efforts had been in earnest, direct, serious, i would have been yours and yours only

it’s because neither of us ever said anything, we’re barely speaking of it now

should we seriously stop beating around the bush now and address what we can’t change?

maybe we should just let the past be the past and stop wondering about a future together we never had

it feels so final, that’s the worst part, feeling as though i will never be allowed to love you again

even if i’d reached out, even if you’d reached back, would it have been worth it?

the misery of longing for a choice unmade with unknown consequences

for all we know, we could have been that missing puzzle piece for each other

for all we know, never having met in the middle led us to the happiest versions of ourselves

[ilovetheaffection]

I'm probably getting on tomorrow for a bit. Have there been any tumblr changes or updates for desktop I need to know about?

[ilovetheaffection]

Does anyone know why posts don't show in the tags?

[ilovetheaffection]

Hey pals. So I forgot my login here and then forgot the email password. So I am a mess. I'm gonna lurk on mobile tonight and try to boot up my pc after the holiday this week. I'm still dealing with a cough and exhaustion..my dad gave me covid while I was taking care of him. I had it a lot worse than him bc my immune system is in a word: trash.

I'm around though even if it's mobile. So I can talk here or discor.d and I'm happy to send yall memes if you want.

[ilovetheaffection]

I hope I tagged this enough. I'll add more if you need it. Just let me know.

so this is going to be long and I apologize for that.

In the time I have been missing from tumblr, I have had the flu, found out I have bipolar, had med issues that make me incredibly sick, and found out I have neuropathy.

My grandpas birthday snd death anniversary were a day apart. So I had that. I've had to take my dad to many doctors appointments including the cardiologist.

Ive been taking care of him and my grandma who has dementia. She's incredibly mean now and is the reason. I canceled my first vacation in six years.

I currently have a uti and I found out i have acid reflux. Probably from stress with the latter.

My dog is having a procedure this month and my aunt wants to cook Thanksgiving for under 100 dollars. My brain may melt.

Today my dad tested positive for covid. So I will have to take care of him, the dogs and grandma. All while taking care of myself and managing the bills. It's fine. I'm not like upset or anything. It's just a lot. Plus I'm always aching thanks to my autoimmune disorder.

Anyway that's mostly what's been happening and why I've not been here.

[ilovetheaffection]

I'm still alive. I want to write an update post. But I don't even know where to start.

[ilovetheaffection]

Also I know it’s been awhile since I mentioned my dad’s streaming updates--but I just opened my prime video to continue watching something

and this poor man watched--Cind/erella with Cam.ila Cab.ello.Im unsure of if he finished it or not. But lmaoo.

[ilovetheaffection]

I am still alive. I have just been tired and dealing with family stuff for--i have no idea when I even booted up my pc last. But someone messaged me the other day like “are you okay’ and I was like ‘oops’ because I never want anyone to worry about me. But I am fine! Im thankful all these appointments will be finally wrapping up. I feel bad that I have done -12. But I didn’t want anyone to worry because--well apparently someone was lmao.

[ilovetheaffection]

I hope you all are good. I know I did -12 yesterday. I just ended up having to do stuff and then I just--had no motivation to get on. I’m on right now. But I feel like I’m melting in here. So I may just send some memes or something while I’m online if I see anyone reblogging. I have another appointment tomorrow and I think that’s partially stressing me a little bit.

[ilovetheaffection]

good morning! hope y’all are good. I’ll try to do some things here today. I’m doing a little every day and you know it’ll all get done! Eventually!

I gotta pay a bill or two today, place an online to store pick up ( potentially ), and I am feeling a bit icky. But I have hopes to get more out anyway!

[ilovetheaffection]

manifcst​:

In all honestly Raythe was lost for words, but hope wasn’t lost. He knew what he wanted but now was the question of what he would do to keep what he wanted. “Well, what do you want to do Aria? I don’t want to force you to make a choice you don’t want to do.” He spoke calmly as his body shifted towards her, reaching for her hands. “If that’s the only choice we have, then yes.” He felt a light smile tug at the corner of his lips as he gave her a light nod. “I would run with you everywhere and anywhere, as long as I’m with you.”

She took a breath at his words. She had been worried about what his response might be even as he took her hands. They had been back and forth before so many times. What if this ended up being another disappointment? Another heartbreak? She wasn't sure she could handle that regardless of how long she had lived or would live. "I would run with you too. Anywhere for as long as you want. We just--if we do this there's no turning back, Raythe. So we'd better be sure we want to do this. They'll try to find us."

[ilovetheaffection]

forthewinn​:

@forgivingtouches​ gets a random Taylor Swift starter || I’m Only Me When I’m With You

“Aria.” His words were soft as he reached out for her hands. He felt terrible, breaking up with her. He shouldn’t have, and Steve had explained it to him. But Winn was still terrified of what was happening and what was going to happen with his father having someone come after him. But Aria? She was everything to her. “I’m sorry. I know I don’t deserve you, and you have every right to tell me to go to hell. But I just need you to know, that I’m only myself when I’m around you. And I miss being around you.” 

She was trying her best not to doubt people as much as she had a tendency to do in the past. She had been open with Winn. She'd allowed herself to get close, tell him things that she hadn't anyone else, she had even thought they had some sort of a future. But then it'd all been pulled out from under her and now he was standing here apologizing. She knew she should just take his apology for what it was. But there was this part of her that was afraid. "Then why did you do it?"

[ilovetheaffection]

supcrfriends​:

forgivingtouches asked: our muses reunite after receiver thought sender was dead. ( barry and aria )

He was sure that she’d died. He’d seen it happen, not being fast enough to save her. That was his destiny, was it not? To watch everyone that he loved and cared for die because HE wasn’t there to save them or fast enough to save them? It had been a few long days, days where Barry had barely gotten out of bed and showed up to work, days where he had gotten to STAR Labs but couldn’t bare to look his friends in their faces. He didn’t want it to be real, but it was and his heart ACHED.  How many times had he gone back in time to save someone he loved only to have everything turn out horribly wrong when he ran back to the present? Too many to count, if he was being completely transparent with himself. God, he hated it, he hated the feeling in the pit of his stomach as he stepped out of his door. If he hadn’t have looked up, he would have missed her standing there but he had and now he was staring at the ghost of his now deceased girlfriend. “I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you.” Tears rolled down his cheeks, unable to move his feet. He felt like he was stuck, body in shock from the vision in front of him. It couldn’t really be her.  “If this is another speed force vision - - -.” He didn’t finish that threat, he was exhausted. “Just leave me alone, can’t you just leave me ALONE? This is not comforting! She just died, I JUST lost her and you’re here trying to teach me a damn lesson?” He screamed. “Has it ever occurred to you that someone might need some TIME to process something as horrific as that? No, because you’re not even real, you don’t have feelings. You’re not a living thing, you’re just a stupid - - - .” A choked sob escaped his throat and his knees gave out, sending him up against the wall before he slid down and threw his head into his hands. 

   She wasn't quite sure what had happened or why. But she had somehow made her way back to Barry's. Aria hadn't been able to hear much about what had happened. All she remembered was one minute being at his apartment and the next she was walking back there. A lot of blank time that she couldn't quit fill in with memories.

    He looked awful when he opened the door and her brows furrowed at the comment. Couldn't save her? But she was right here. Her eyes trailed over him for a moment taking in his appearance. His eyes looked so red like he'd spent too long crying. Had he thought that she was dead all this time? How long was all this time, really. She took a moment to gain her composure as he screamed.

    She had never been a fan of yelling ever since she had been young. Her father had done it every chance that he had gotten. She'd only snapped out of it when he'd slid on the floor as he sobbed. "Barry." Aria moved to settle next to him on the floor.

    "I promise that I'm not a vision. I don't--know where I've been or what happened. But, I'm me. I promise that I'm me." She lifted her hand. "See? I have the ring you gave me and you hugged me when you saw me at the compound cause my evil doppelganger stole my life. I'm me."

[ilovetheaffection]

Top Bruce Willis hits for Aria

me: aria you like bruce willis movies?

[ilovetheaffection]

Does anyone have any tips? Because, I’ll do a draft and then post it or whatever and it’ll just pop me back to the top which wouldn’t be too bad if--I wasn’t trying to work on one person’s replies first.

All I can really think is maybe putting all the replies into a doc for each character and doing them. But I tend to not do so well with typing on docs on mobile. Listen my hands on a phone keyboard is a menace with autocorrect. Why are there random p’s put into my words phone??