#im not worried necessarily i just--didnt love the first go round so another is not my favorite

[ilovetheaffection]

I hope you all are good. I know I did -12 yesterday. I just ended up having to do stuff and then I just--had no motivation to get on. I’m on right now. But I feel like I’m melting in here. So I may just send some memes or something while I’m online if I see anyone reblogging. I have another appointment tomorrow and I think that’s partially stressing me a little bit.

[lolita-lollipop]

Hizashi and Aizawa kidnapping a young teenage girl, and her bonding and quickly finding comfort with Hizashi, leaving Aizawa to awkwardly attempt at being super soft and all the more gentle to his sensitive little girl, his heart panging with pain every time she flinches or cowers away from him. “You don’t need to be scared of me, kitten.. please”

your little acts of favoritism weren’t necessarily intentional, you hated both of them. they were your brothers teachers, and whoop dee doo, they kidnapped you. but... you liked hizashi more.

it was just something about him that made you believe he was some form of comfort item, probably because he wasnt brooding, and didnt have a mean face, and he was the first human yud ever seen in this place, that all combined into one and he became your rock, your shoulder to cry on. he was just... so nice, although his quirk was loud, somehow he managed to speak softly with you. it was such a bright contrast to at home where two firey blondes always scream at each other, and your father tries to calm it down.

on your first night ever here, you had tried to jump out the window, and were captured by the thick scarves you once admired, hed lectured you, yelled at yiuu even, all you could see were those red eyes of his, and hear his voice. and he scared you, he scared you so much. i guess it justtranslates to now, first impressions are everything, and to you, he looked like a big scary man who would yell at you.

eventually, you stopped caring about how you hated him, or how you wanted to leave, as you clearly never were. so, instead of glaring at them, or crying, you accepted the fact that he was taking care of you. hizashi, hizashi was taking care of you... aizawa though? no way in hell, he was just so... you'd never seen him with a smile, he never tried to talk to you, he just kinda watched you, and it freaked you out, at some point you started believing he was trying to kill you, don't even ask how you came up with that conclusion.

you just couldn't manage to warm up to hi as you'd done so quickly with hizashi, and it showed. you were always tense when alone with him, like he was going to jump out at you any second and stab you, you didnt talk to him , sometimes you felt so anxious around him that you would outright start crying, shaking in some form of fear, or hide yourself under a blanket. although hizashi was proud that you loved him so much, he knew that this was hurting his husband, that his own little girl was scared of him.

so he would always try to coax you into doing things with him, saying things like "can your papa come and help" or "how about we have papa do this with you while I make lunch?", just trying to get him included so you would feel just as comfortable around him as you were with his own self. Sometimes he just left the room to let you have alone time with him. He’d even lectured his husband about how he always looked angry, and that he has to smile form time to time, and not the creepy “I’m gonna kill a villain” smile.

And so Aizawa started trying, not trying to be like hizashi, even that was too much for him, but trying to be nicer, he was a gentle person when he wanted to be, so this came with ease for him, he would tuck you in at night, read you stories, hold you if you cried, feed you, help you bathe (which you usually liked hizashi to do, and in general, inserted himself as a gentle roger in your life. You would expect taht this would work, that because he was so nice to you, because he was so sweet like hizashi, you would accept him as your father.

But nope! Again, first impressions are everything to you, and now, he was written off as the villain of you story, now, you jsut ran off to papa whenever he was around, and didn’t even give him the chance to hang around you, it just made it worse honestly, because now, not only did he look scary, but he also looked fake, which is never good. Every time he would try to if you, you would clutch onto hizashi for dear life, acting like his hand would do nothing but burn you.

Tears would cloud your vision, and he would pulle back, not wanting to cause you any more pain, and jsut stare in. Pure jealousy at his husband, who cooed and gave you a hug.and guess what? You hugged him back, and hid yourself in his chest, willingly, without a fight, without a tear, instead with a smile, most of the times mic wouldn’t interfere, wbatigg ns this to everyone a safe space for you, a place where you should naturally do things, but sometimes, he would give you little bushes int he right direction. Like disappearing completely for my he house so you’ll be forced to talk to Aizawa.

This is one of those times.

Yo been wandering the house for about ten minutes now, waking up form a nap, to find mic absent from his usual place in the rocking chair at your bedside. It was a little after lunchtime, and they’d only given you a small cup of fruit for breakfast (intentional, from mic), you were fairly hungry, and usually he was there to give you food, but you had no idea where he was, you had heard the… other one on the phone in their shared office, but you did not want to talk to him right now.

Aizawa could tell you were awake by the fact that all of the cats were meowing like crazy, and little pattering footsteps had followed his hearing around, mic had left abruptly, probably some little plan of mischief again, he was hizashi after all. He was just waiting for you to either 1: go back to bed, or 2: come to him for help. Mic had specifically told him to follow these rules for after nap time, so he did. And grew progressively more worried as over twenty minutes, trying to read through his students grading work, too distracted by the urge to go find you to accomplish anything.

His worries dissipated though when he saw your little head poking through the door, cat in hand, confused and tired looking, small tears beginning to prick th corners of your eyes, little sniffling sounds left you. His wha specked up form the desk, you’d given up walking around the whole house, your restarting had slowly pent up, you couldn’t manage to find him, and you were so hungry.

“Oh- hey honey, I didn’t know you were up. Do you need something?” He questioned, smiling intently at you, you just inched back into the door frame, breathing heavier by the moment, your hands shook and your head felt like it was going to explode at any point. Youbcontenoajted runnign back to your room and waiting till mic came out where you could hear him, but your stomach grumbled, reminding you how hungry you really are.

“I’m- im looking for daddy. Where is he.” You spoke, a very hushed tone overtook your words, making them almost inaudible for him. His face sunk slowly, he tougher you were actually gonna come for him, but the he remembered taht patience is key, and that he shouldn’t get mad, because it is t your fault taht you’re just a little sensitive, too fragile to handle more than one attachment, he gets it. He jsut at least wanted you to look at him, instead did your little feet, I’m Ayer if you could meet his eyes the. You would see how much he loves you.

“Oh, he left a. Little while ago. Is there something you need from him? Your papa can give him a call if you want, you could even talk to him!” He exclaimed excitedly, plastering that happy smile across his face to seem more inviting, liek mic had told him to do. He stood out of his chair, rounding up the papers and putting them in his file folders.you tried to sink back furthers, almost disappearing behind the doorway, you shook your head aggressively, almost running off, then yet again, your stomach made another noise, and forced you to stay.

“I- no. I’m- im hungry-“ you spluttered, not caring if it was embarrassing that you were stuttering so much, you just wanted food. And calling mic would just get you a lecture on how you could’ve just asked your papa, the same thing would happen whenever you went to uncnecesary lengths to avoid the man, your daddy would make sure you knew that it made him feel bad, while you’d at there bored. Not caring, at all.

“Oh- well you should’ve told me sooner kitten, if I’d known I would be up already. Cmon, let’s go to the kitchen, your daddy made you some food earlier” he spoke, rising from his chair slowly, you cowered slightly as he walked over, clutching the little kitten right to you for comfort, he mewed and snuggled closer, completely asleep. The man sighed when he saw you backing away from his grasp, he knew you were still scared. But he was just so impatient… he was tired of waiting, he wanted to hold you, even if it was jsut foena few minutes. He needed it feel you there with him.

Is he acted quickly, moving in a matter of seconds, he swooped his arm under your leg, and hooked his other around your torso, pulling you straight up into his grasp. Youu huh froze, his hands felt cold as ice on your skin, like they were burning you, immediately after he started walking, it snapped you out of it and you threw a fit. You dig your fingernails into his skin, and kicked and flailed in a panic, still trying to keep the little kitten in your lap safe. A full blown panic washed over you, clogging all your senses.

The dam holding back tears form your eyes crashed, and immediately you were sobbing, biting at his shoulder to let you go, he tried to rub your back to calm you down a bit, but just made it worse, as his hands felt like living anxiety creeping up and down your spine. He didn’t know what to do, let you ride it out, andkk no possibly have you get sick because of how much your crying in an empty stomach? Or let you down and go straight back to square one.

Your veined felt like pure ice had flooded in them, and it felt liek someone was repeatedly jabbing you in the head with tiny needes, fear was jsut so prominent in your sense, it overcame you, and made you whimper and scream.

“Whoah, breath for me alright? I just want to hold you. I’m not going to hurt you okay? I would never hurt you. Kitten… you don’t have to be scared of me” he spoke, trying to keep a proper computers, he wanted to cry with you, he wasn’t a very soft or emotional man but honestly, he was so upset with himself already, this was jsut pushing him for the edge. You cried, and cried, at some point you weren’t even crying and screaming at him, more with him. He held you close, you’d stopped the struggle almost five minutes ago, letting him hold you. It was odd. It almost felt… nice.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m being stupid again” You alien through your remaining little hiccups, shove my your face into his shirt, smelling the woody scent he carried around with him. He cooed, letting you hide yourself from him, savouring this soft moment was of top priorirty in his head… you jsut looked so sweet, so different from those harsh cries that would sound usually whenever he came around.

Who would think, shouts aizawas hand couldn’t feel nice? The same ones that had just been burning you, the ones that made you scream, felt like a breeze on a spring day, he actually felt warm, he felt like happiness, like contentment.

“No hon, it’s not stupid. Your scared. I know that, we all get scared and it’s not a bad thing, I love you, I really, really love you kitten. Just know that” he continued on with his little speech, leaving down to kiss you in the forehead, Jsut to be suprised when you didn’t flinfh, you were too tired to be scared; and too hungry, plus, he was really warm, the cat had pretty much snuggled up to him already, who says you shouldn’t.

“I- um- I love you… to?” You spoke, more of a question than anything, you’d spent so long Harding him that you didn’t know if you even could love him, it didn’t even feel possible, then again, you litterally cling to hizashi like a koala, and your mental state has relaly said “swoopity swoop” and scattered itself everywhere. Maybe having two comfort items was actually better than one… huh.

“Well, let’s go eat then. All taht crying probably made you tired, I’ll let you watch a movie in my office, you can watch pinto again, I know you love taht one. Cmon, let’s go” he spoke, and started walking again, you cuddled closer to him as he did, smiling slightly at the warmth. Hizashi was very extravagant, exiting, and hyper, this man felt very cool, calm, it was such a dark contrast, but it worked so well. You jsut… you Jsut liked it.

Well… now we’ll just have to wait and see who’s the favorite

———————————————————————————————————

Thank you for requesting! It was super fun to write and had me feeling super happy when I finished :)

I’m thinking about doing yandere todoroki family asks, because I’m litterally in love with @i-cant-sing one… so, requests are open for those if you want to put them in (please do I’m begging)

Anywho, have the most wonderful to days today! Goodbye!

[drkcnry67]

you always save me let me save you

title:  you always save me let me save you

kink square filled: bed sharing

dark square filled: ritualistic sacrifice

Heaven & Hell square filled: enochian

ship: Dean x reader

rating: 14+

tags: ritual, sacrifice, bed sharing, death, enochian branding, 

summery (if applicable): its a surprise….

word count (if applicable):

created for @spnkinkbingo @spndarkbingo @heavenandhellbingo

“this is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do, but your only job is to make sure i can’t get back inside after this goes down. i should have told you sooner but i love you Dean, i love you so much! your the only one who will understand this: but i havent seen anyone who cares so much about me since forever. your only task is to make sure i can’t do anything to hurt anyone. you have always had these words, you have always had my love, my heart. i believe & trust you to do the right thing. all my love, Y/N.”

this was the right thing, you place the note on your nightstand, taking your hand held, back pack & quietly walking out of the bedroom, out of the bunker carrying your shoes.

Y/N: “i hope he forgives me… but i’ll save his life if its the last thing i ever do.”

you got to the garage placing your shoes on your feet you got into the impala, and moved forward with your plan.

your initial plan included:

·         taking the impala

·         making your way as far from the bunker as possible

·         briniging supplies, everything you need for the ritual…

this ritual in particular was gonna help you with your plan to stop Michael and put him in his place once and for all.

things that are required for this ritual are as follows:

·         oil blessed by a priest

·         the blood of the one whose life by the evil threatened

·         blood of the person whose body to take in the entity

·         matches to ignite the oil

·         a chant to envoke the spell to switch Dean’s role with yours…

·         then sharing a bed with Dean, not necessarily having sex but just being in the same bed as him is what will or should finish the spell anyway…

sharing a bed with Dean, that would only happen if Dean understood your note and only if he got to you in time. of course this was the hardest task you had ever take on in your life.

this had to be done, this had to be done to save Dean’s life… to save the life of the man you loved.

of course you hadnt told dean of your feelings, but something inside you never ever feared that anything might tear you away from Dean, not before you even got the chance to tell him of your feelings, got to have your first kiss, to be with the one person who made you feel like you were worth something…

you kept driving thoughts swirling round in your head… everything that you had done, hunting & doing what you could to save the world, you werent gonna let your legacy be a bunch of heroics not without the most amazing heroic of self-sacrifice…  

this of course would be achieved thru the ritualistic sacrifice you would be performing in the small motel room you would soon be checking into…

you drove for another several hours… you even picked up small momentos to leave in the impala… your phone at that moment started blowing up with worried texts and calls… ALL FROM DEAN!

you finally stopped the impala in the nearest motel parking lot just as another call was coming through…

you finally answered it:

YN: “Dean.”

all you could hear for a few moments was heavy breathing…

Dean: “i’m freaking out… where are you? tell me so cas can send me there?”

YN: “i’m in Wyoming at a small motel… the ritual has to be done in a place full of extreme amounts of power.”

Dean: “there is only one motel that i know of in Wyoming. what’s your room #?”

YN: “i havent checked in yet… i am sitting in the impala in the parking lot.”

the line went dead as it no longer was just you in the impala, Dean appeared beside you.

Dean: “hey.”

It was enough to send you over the deep end.

YN: “i’m so sorry, i shouldn’t have taken off like that. i mean lets be honest it was stupid…”

Dean: “lets check in first, then continue this conversation.”

Dean made his way out of the impala, he went to the motel office, checking you guys in & smiling as he walked back to the impala.

Dean: “come on lets go…”

Dean grabs the bags & comes to your door… he stretched his hand to you, you took it, you knew it felt right…

YN: “thank you. Dean you always come after me… you always save me… Please this time let me save you…”

Dean: “you shouldn’t have to take this burden, please we can find another way…”

you & Dean entered the room, the flooding concern on your face.

Dean settled in pretty fast, but you locked the door, starting to lay out everything for the ritual. your  concern at that moment was on how Dean was gonna react when he would find out, that he would soon think you were dead. 

Dean: “whats the 2 viles of blood for?”

the answer for that was easy, but you werent sure what was gonna come out of your mouth.

YN: “Dean, one vile is yours… one is mine… they are needed for the rite of transference…”

Dean: “rite of transference, YN that sounds dangerous.”

YN: “once i do this next part we can try to relax… look Dean i know your not 100% okay with this, but its gonna be alot better if we just let this go the way i have always planned…”

Dean: “how long have you been planning this?”

YN: “couple months…”

Dean: “but that would mean you have been planning this ritual since we found out that i’m the michael sword…”

you nod laying out the chant & preparing yourself for this ritual, this new step in your journey…

YN: “dean look when i founnd out about you being the Michael Sword, your safety became my instant concern… take a seat, im about to get this part over with…”

you stayed seated where you are, and Dean decided to just sit on the bed… you were now ready to do the ritual. it went something like this…

·         you pour the blood viles both in front of and opposite you.

·         keep your breathing consistant.

·         lay out the circle of blessed oil

then you begin the chant…

“Quaeso ut mihi vera Michahel archangelus sententia vadum take vas, quo veniat in translatione ritus, verum modo est vas iis erat ritus transitus fiat effective Dean Wintoniam ad me statim!” 

(roughly translated: I envoke the archangel Michael thou shall take me as thine true vessal, I invoke  the rite of transference, I now transfer rite of true vessel from Dean Winchester to me effective immediately)

now came the hard part, waiting for Michael to come down & kill you to complete the ritual. the sacrifice was a necessary part to complete the ritual. 

Dean: “now what? nice latin pronounciation by the way…”

YN: “thanks. now we wait…”

Dean comes and helps you get off of the floor. your hands linger within his for a while. Dean is the one that pulls away but his stare lingers at your own gaze as well. 

Dean: “well how bout we lay down and wait?”

YN: “we could also turn on the TV… maybe…”

but before you could finish your sentence you froze, you were so scared… but instead of finishing your sentencee something else came out…

YN: “im in love with you!!!”

Dean: “your what?”

YN: “im in love with you Dean Winchester!”

Dean’s reaction was immediate… Dean came up to you, cupped your face & kissed you.

at that moment it was easy, your only concern is how messed up this has made you feel. kissing dean is one thing, but he probably wouldnt want to kiss you if he knew you were lying… 

you guys fell back on the bed, but there wasnt anything holding you back except for the fact that in the morning you would be dead, while the sacrificial timer sets everything in place.

Dean pulls back and moves a piece of hair from your face.

Dean: “we don’t have to do anything tonight, that your not comfortable with.”

you had to think hard about this, but you knew it wouldn’t be right to have sex while lying to the love of your life…

Dean un-wrapped his arms from you slightly, his gaze never for a second leaving yours.

Dean: “how bout sharing my bed with me tonight???”

YN: “i would like to do tyhat but can i please wear one of your muscle shirts please?”

Dean gets up &went to his bag grabbing out his black muscle shirt and handing it to you as he is smiling helping you off the bed.

Dean: “get changed beautiful…”

you took the shirt & happily skipped to the bathroom. it was a happy moment.. although you physically were happy, emotionally you were about 5 sections from being okay…  you were about to probably die in your sleep, but also on top of that you were still lying to the love of your life…

finishing putting on the shirt, you exit the bathroom to find Dean but a few steps from the bathroom door. Dean was just standing there probably checking hs messages. you silently placed the clothes on the ground and silently lept at him, his muscles tensed beneath you, but at you knocked him flat on the bed and you landed beside him standing the power went out. 

NOW IT WAS BATTLE ROYALE!

if you thought Dean was scary on a hunt, he was even more scary when playing a game of cat and mouse in the dark in a small confined motel room. you got worried when your eyes adjusted to the darkness and didnt see Dean in yur direct line of sight. 

You slowly crept out of the nook you were crouched in. you took a lok around the room. it wasnt till you got into the bathroom that you took one look, turning to the door and about to walk out when you felt something behind you almost stalking you. 

you walked a few more steps and wasnt surprised when strong arms surrounded you from behind and pulled yu down onto the bed, pinning you flat on your back.

Dean: “nice try sweetheart…”

YN: “what makes you think i didnt win already… i got what i wanted… i finally have confirmation that you love me too… now are we gonna lay down proper and cuddle till we fall asleep or are you gonna just hold me down till this unexpected power outage passes.”

Dean got off of you for 2 seconds going round flicking every light switch he knew you guys had turned on, while you backed up on the bed, into more of a reasonable position.

Dean: “how would you prefer we rock tonight?”

YN: “i’d just prefer you hold me and we just cuddle and relax. my senses are kinda haywire. is that okay with you?”

Dean crawls in beside you and holds his arms out for you, which you enter willingly feeling Dean place a kiss to your forhead.

Dean: “as long as your not going anywhere i’m okay with whatever you want to do.”

YN: “you know Dean i was thinking about this on my drive here, i didnt know that you would actualy come after me i didnt realize that you coming after me was gonna change my outlook on my supposed future. i’m sorry i ran off, im sorry i did this ritual, im sorry that i wanted to be the one to save your ass instead of you saving mine.”

Dean pulled your chin to look at him.

Dean: “i understand why you did all that and more so i am not mad at all because had you not run off with leaving a note, i wouldnt have known about this you could have been seriously hurt or worse. i wasnt gonna loose the one thing that makes me keep living. i dont mind if once in a while you save my life as long as you never ever decide to do something stupid again.”

YN: “no promises hunters make stupid decisions every single day. i recall you making a few of those stupid decisions.”

Dean: “okay missy, we dont talk about those times alright. now shut up and kiss me. let our kisses flood this night with passion. till sleep overtakes.”

your lips met Deans in a ferverous passion, the energy from that overtook you both, nothing crazy happened per to a discussion you both had earlier but eventually you both were cuddled and asleep. 

Michael dropped in silently, he witnessed the sight of you in the arms of Dean while this sight displeased him it also had the potential to make his vessel to be stronger than not.

Michael stood in the pentagram on the floor where you did the ritual and held his hand out toward you.

“"Mea ad tempus, et tempus tuam, hoc est, quam operatur in me Michael Brand tibi signum a angelis, in II huius signum est quod aliis in vita euacuabit te perdere illos qui quaeris tibi. Michael iam non accipit verba vestra. Consummatum est!“

(roughly translated: its my time, its your time, this is how it works I Michael Brand you with the mark of the angels, this mark is on 2 others in your life this will ward you from those who will seek to destroy you. I Michael now accept your terms. It is finished!)

Michael with one wave of his hand and a few glances left as quickly as he had come in. before long it was dawn breaking through the window. Castiel had been standing out near the impala having sensed Michael in the area near you and Dean wanted to make sure nothing went wrong. 

it wasnt till Dean woke and started panicing shouting Cas’ name that made life all too real. for Cas appeared in the room to see Dean holding your lifeless form. 

Cas: “she did it didnt she… she did the rite of transference…”

Dean: “what do you know about what has happened to her?”

Cas: “Dean i need you to calm down before i explain because once i do i’m not sure it will be me you are angry at…”

Dean had to take a few moments to breathe deeply before nodding at cas to continue speaking.

Cas: “the rite of transferance although proven effective in transferring power from one to another its not without cost. the price of this rite was that YN had to kinda die while the spell set, in the same way when you died by hellhound all those years back to set you on the path of the angels and being the Michael sword she has to be set on the path in a similar way. there is only one way to bring her back but its tricky and ONLY YOU CAN DO IT.”

Dean: “what do i need to do.”

Cas snapped his fingers and teleported both your body and Dean to the door in between Heaven and Hell. where souls wander till they are shown where they are to go.

Dean: “where are we?”

Cas: “the door to the plain between Heaven and Hell, where souls of the newly dead wander till they are shown where to go. this is where YN should be, this is where you need to go in order to find her and bring her back to this door. bring her to the door and kiss her before you enter back through it both of you should return to your bodies.”

Dean looked at Cas when he finished his last sentance.

Dean: “should what do you mean should?”

Cas: “i mean things could go horribly wrong. this plain of existence is meant to show the person what life/future they could have had. kinda like a pre-way into their judgement day.”

there was one thing that crossed dean’s mind instantly.

Dean: “what will happen to me when i enter into this plain.?.”

Cas: “well you will basically not see your judgement day thing you will see a bunch of people standing around probably talking to themselves but  if all goes well the only one who should be able to see you is YN. once you find her you both need to get back to the door. the door is the safe zone. where she will gain a physical form and you can kiss her sending her too her body and you can walk back out the door. its as easy as that.”

Dean: “ok how will i know when its time to go through the door…”

Cas shrugged…

Cas: “you will have this urging feeling you will have this inkling, this nudging feeling inside your gut.”

Dean waited a few moments making sure that his handheld was ready before feeling something suddenly jump inside him. he took it as his cue to approach and go through the door. 

Cas: “good luck Dean i hope you both return intact.”

Dean nods and reaches to open the door, which succeeds and he steps through. he doesnt notice the door close behind him, instead is focusing on his footing and not bumping into anything or more importantly anyone.

keeping his handheld close he made his way through the path seeing many people on many benders, but the one he was looking for was not around. he then came across a sign post, a sign post which happened to have a map on it, of where every single person who resided there currently was placed. 

after  few moments of reading name after name he came across yours. Dean ran in the direction of the map which he had used your phone to take a photo of. upon arriving at your sight he happened to see you crouched in the corner surrounded by what he could only percieve as her greatest fears.

Dean just stood there and watched as the same fear played out a million times over. the fear that was tormenting you was the day Dean died, the day he was mauled by a hellhound, you had been rescued a month before that day. 

on that day, you were so angry and upset but the weird thing was that you shattered the windows and cracked the floor and walls with your voice. Sam later had found out that you were able to do that cause you havee a sirens voice pattern.

your only greatest fear was that you would somehow be controlled by something bad. that explained so much to Dean, that explained why you were so cautious and paranoid. 

Dean now seeing that entire fear played out happened to make him just clear his throat, he watched your tear/fear filled eyes slowly move to look at him. You got up off the ground and ran straight at the person who has made your life better than expected.

YN: “how are you here? wait are you here cause your… please tell me your not…”

Dean: “no im not i was told to come after you, your under the remnants of a sleeping curse of sorts. come with me and we can go back home together. Cas will also examine you for damages and right now we need to get out of here, this is the roadway too judgement day.”

YN: “i didnt know id end up here while the spell takes effect but i guess thats what happened. anyway lets go… get out of here and see if Michael Branded me.”

Dean and you run hand in hand back up the path, towards the door, Dean and you stop at the door. 

Dean: “ok cas said i have to kiss you right here sending you back to your body, then i have to walk through the door. but hun listen to me if i get bck through that door and something goes wrong again, i swear we will figure out a way for you not to go to hell, to not be tethered to Michael, so i don’t have to loose you. now lets send you back and find out if Michael Branded you.”

Dean at that moment leaned in to kiss you, a spark of light energy flowed out of your kiss. you began to fade, you began to go back to your own body. to which Dean didnt back off or open the door till you were fully gone. 

Dean then opens the door and breathes a huge intake of air, like he was coming to life once again. at that moment you wake up in your own body, your eyes adjusting to the surroundings, but your eyes landed on the forms of Cas & Dean which made you get off the ground.

Dean: “i’m glad your back. when i woke up and you didnt, it scared the living hell out of me. what was i supposed to do… why didnt you tell me about this ritual? bout you dying to set it in place?”

YN: “cause i couldnt do that to you, cause it was my burden to bare…”

Cas: “im afraid that when Michael paid you a visit last night, he branded you with enochian markings. invisible to humans but visible to angels.”

Dean: “where are these markings?”

Cas grabs a piece of tree bark off a tree and places the bark over you where your ribs would be, for which Cas waves his hand over the bark making kind of an xray image appear on the Bark. Cas then turns the Bark around to face you, you and Dean just stared at it.

Cas: “its enochian... Michael branded YN’’s ribs with enochian warding, meaning that only me and Michael can find YN no other angel or demon can.”

Dean: “well this will be something of a rare thing... this will also be something to behold. this means she is safe. this means she will be a badass secret weapon.”

Cas: “exactly... now lets get out of here before we loose anyone else.”

with that you, Dean and Cas all went back to the bunker. this was now the time to pick your next move.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E52 (Feb. 26, 2019)

There’s a lot to unpack here.

This week’s guests are Laura Bailey and Liam O’Brien!

Announcements:

Travis Willingham’s Yeehaw Game Ranch debuted today on CR’s Twitch channel! Travis and Brian will be livestreaming every other week at 4 PM Pacific (alternating with MAME Drop). Today’s episode will go up on YouTube on Thursday. On Monday, March 4, the Kickstarter for the VM cartoon will go live! They’ve been talking about this almost since the start. This episode of TM will be uploaded to YT on Thursday morning, and will be available on a one-week delay in podcast form!

The cowboy hat makes the rounds. Laura points out that she was actually in an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Okay, on to episode 52: Feral Business. (Liam, just as the splash screen comes up: “That means masturbating.”)

Laura: “I think everybody should refer to their penis as a tiefling. Anyway, continue.”

There’s a discussion about classes for said tieflings. It gets a little out of hand.

Stats! Jester got her 5th HDYWTDT of the campaign against the shoosuva. Caleb has now dealt over 1,400 points of damage. (Liam: “Really?”) Frumpkin got his first natural 20 to perceive the rats and shoosuva. 

Laura and Liam have a heated negotiation about who gets to cuddle the Jester and Kiri plushies.

100% of the out-of-character motivation for the Disguise Self was just Liam missing being Laura’s twin. Liam: “You know, I like to have fun in my D&D games.” They enjoyed getting to sit next to each other again at the live show. 

Brian: “What were you gossiping about?” Liam: “Your tiefling.” Laura: “Specifically yours.”

Jester’s view on Caleb hasn’t changed since his backstory reveal. Laura: “I feel like it makes more sense that he’s more standoffish, and it made me feel much more guilty for the times I gave him shit for being muddy and stinky and stuff.” She points out that Jester got to see a lot of different types of people pass through, not to mention listen in on their conversations, and probably has a broader experience with a variety of people than some might expect.

Liam talks about how Xhorhas is “rough, and the customs are different, but it’s a real place” and not the bogeyman often presented to the Empire.

He objects to a question talking about how Caleb’s planning to take down people in the Empire, pointing out that he’s never confirmed that. Laura immediately concocts a theory about Caleb being a top-secret spy for the Empire.

Laura: “Jester has no idea that her charisma isn’t as high as... Beau’s or... is Beau’s very high?” She loved leading a diplomatic conversation, and didn’t know how it would turn out, but she feels like she killed it.

Snoozy Henry!

Liam: “Caleb’s not scared of being manipulated. I think that’s done.” It feels off being away from the Empire, not because he still feels loyalty, but mainly because everything that matters to him is still there.

Another round of dick jokes comes to a climax (sorry) with “Cocks Machina”.

Gif of the Week! Jester learning the ways of the goth.

If the opportunity presents itself, even in Xhorhas, Jester will 100% pull a prank and try to spread the word of the Traveler. “Nothing is sacred to Jester!”

Laura mentions that she has no backup character planned if Jester dies; she feels like having a backup will make her more likely to accept the possibility of losing Jester.

Jester doesn’t really care about the Empire vs. Krynn conflict. “Political bullshit. I don’t think the Krynn are necessarily evil, but I don’t know.” Liam points out that nobody really knows the motivations behind the conflict in the first place. Caleb mainly sees it as a big mess. “Caleb will still have emotional ties to where he was born and raised, but he knows they’re flawed and awful. They’re really terrible people.”

Laura’s theory: “The Empire stole a lot of artifacts. They stole the dodecahedron. The Krynn just want it back. And now we have it. And we’re fucking everything up.”

Big Tiefling Energy.

Jester on tattoos: “Nah, I’m not afraid of the pain! I can take it! I’m really strong!” She’d totally get a tattoo if the right idea came along.

Caleb isn’t too concerned about the group getting sidetracked, since he doesn’t really have “an agenda for where he wants to go”. He wouldn’t want to do something boring, but that’s not exactly a worry with this group. “They keep going to places with things he’s interested in.”

Laura on Jester’s changing dynamic with Nott: “It’s interesting to find out that Nott’s a mom. She knows what that relationship means, and she is just devastated for Nott that she can’t be with her son.” What seemed the worst was that she didn’t have someone who thinks of her the way Jester thinks of her mom. “I thought about so many times just her not taking a bath. It just makes me so sad.”

Fan Art of the Week! A giant city-tortoise.

Liam: “Man, get a load of Brian’s kenku.” Dani: “This has to stop.”

What the heck does “consecuted” mean? Laura: “I think it means something about being reborn.” Liam: “Yeah, reincarnation.”

Liam on potentially picking the wrong spells: “I don’t worry that I will. I just know that I will.” Marisha warned him.

Brian asks Laura about where her vote’s hovering in the vote for DnD Beyond’s president. Laura: “I feel like Liam has a stronger platform.” Liam: “Is that a dick joke?” Laura: “I’m sitting next to Liam. So Liam.”

Dani: “Contractually, as Sam’s campaign manager, I have to vote for Sam. But he’s also not paying me, so I’m just saying, Liam, if you paid me, I could maybe switch sides. Look, I’m working for exposure only, and I’m feeling very exposed.” Liam: “Listen, my shell corporation will talk to your shell corporation after the show.”

Jester’s not too worried about the group being disrespectful by hanging onto the dodecahedron. “It’s a powerful thing! Look at it! We can play with it!” Liam: “Yeah, it’s not her god.”

Liam: “I miss playing twins.” Laura: “I do too, buddy.”

Henry is moved to the couch when Liam starts literally curling up on the floor to be closer to him:

Jester would create a Magical Viagra spell. Dani: “Like the Wand of Smiles, but for dicks!” Laura: “The point of it would be to just make people feel awkward.”

On Jester checking on Fjord’s tusks: “It’s important to her that he appreciates himself as much as others appreciate him.”

Liam: “My character will probably die soon anyway.” Everyone: “LIAM O’BRIEN.”

Laura points out that Jester’s come closer to death than Caleb. “If anyone’s going to die soon, it’s me.” Brian: “Stop it! Stop!”

Search for Grog Questions (SPOILERS FOLLOW!)

The group played a private home game as Vox Machina for fun recently (”It didn’t make sense, but it was fun!”). Liam was envious of the group getting to play their characters again, so he wanted to play something at least VM-adjacent. He also loves building out the world and wanted to continue fleshing that out. “She saw VM, unbeknownst to them, a couple times.” He also wanted to be able to keep people from dying and “breaking the universe.”

Laura on playing VM again: “It was really crazy, and me and Taliesin gave each other the biggest hug after the show. I missed Percy and I missed that relationship so much!”

Having Lieve’tel around was painful, but Vex “didn’t have the same reaction to it the way Keyleth did. It was bittersweet. I think she appreciated that someone appreciated what her brother did.”

Gilmore and Allura’s voices were big moments of nostalgia. Percy-Vex banter. Scanlan wanting to kill Trinket. (Laura really thought she’d have to leave Trinket behind, and the “I can carry him” killed her.) Scanlan’s singing. Pike! Liam: “Roasting the shit out of Travis.” Laura: “Oh my god.”

[legion1993]

you always save me let me save you

title:  you always save me let me save you

kink square filled: bed sharing

dark square filled: ritualistic sacrifice

Heaven & Hell square filled: enochian

ship: Dean x reader

rating: 14+

tags: ritual, sacrifice, bed sharing, death, enochian branding, 

summery (if applicable): its a surprise….

word count (if applicable):

created for @spnkinkbingo @spndarkbingo @heavenandhellbingo

spn kink bingo masterlist  Dark bingo masterlist  heaven and hell masterlist

“this is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do, but your only job is to make sure i can’t get back inside after this goes down. i should have told you sooner but i love you Dean, i love you so much! your the only one who will understand this: but i havent seen anyone who cares so much about me since forever. your only task is to make sure i can’t do anything to hurt anyone. you have always had these words, you have always had my love, my heart. i believe & trust you to do the right thing. all my love, Y/N.”

this was the right thing, you place the note on your nightstand, taking your hand held, back pack & quietly walking out of the bedroom, out of the bunker carrying your shoes.

Y/N: “i hope he forgives me… but i’ll save his life if its the last thing i ever do.”

you got to the garage placing your shoes on your feet you got into the impala, and moved forward with your plan.

your initial plan included:

taking the impala

making your way as far from the bunker as possible

briniging supplies, everything you need for the ritual…

this ritual in particular was gonna help you with your plan to stop Michael and put him in his place once and for all.

things that are required for this ritual are as follows:

oil blessed by a priest

the blood of the one whose life by the evil threatened

blood of the person whose body to take in the entity

matches to ignite the oil

a chant to envoke the spell to switch Dean’s role with yours…

then sharing a bed with Dean, not necessarily having sex but just being in the same bed as him is what will or should finish the spell anyway…

sharing a bed with Dean, that would only happen if Dean understood your note and only if he got to you in time. of course this was the hardest task you had ever take on in your life.

this had to be done, this had to be done to save Dean’s life… to save the life of the man you loved.

of course you hadnt told dean of your feelings, but something inside you never ever feared that anything might tear you away from Dean, not before you even got the chance to tell him of your feelings, got to have your first kiss, to be with the one person who made you feel like you were worth something…

you kept driving thoughts swirling round in your head… everything that you had done, hunting & doing what you could to save the world, you werent gonna let your legacy be a bunch of heroics not without the most amazing heroic of self-sacrifice…  

this of course would be achieved thru the ritualistic sacrifice you would be performing in the small motel room you would soon be checking into…

you drove for another several hours… you even picked up small momentos to leave in the impala… your phone at that moment started blowing up with worried texts and calls… ALL FROM DEAN!

you finally stopped the impala in the nearest motel parking lot just as another call was coming through…

you finally answered it:

YN: “Dean.”

all you could hear for a few moments was heavy breathing…

Dean: “i’m freaking out… where are you? tell me so cas can send me there?”

YN: “i’m in Wyoming at a small motel… the ritual has to be done in a place full of extreme amounts of power.”

Dean: “there is only one motel that i know of in Wyoming. what’s your room #?”

YN: “i havent checked in yet… i am sitting in the impala in the parking lot.”

the line went dead as it no longer was just you in the impala, Dean appeared beside you.

Dean: “hey.”

It was enough to send you over the deep end.

YN: “i’m so sorry, i shouldn’t have taken off like that. i mean lets be honest it was stupid…”

Dean: “lets check in first, then continue this conversation.”

Dean made his way out of the impala, he went to the motel office, checking you guys in & smiling as he walked back to the impala.

Dean: “come on lets go…”

Dean grabs the bags & comes to your door… he stretched his hand to you, you took it, you knew it felt right…

YN: “thank you. Dean you always come after me… you always save me… Please this time let me save you…”

Dean: “you shouldn’t have to take this burden, please we can find another way…”

you & Dean entered the room, the flooding concern on your face.

Dean settled in pretty fast, but you locked the door, starting to lay out everything for the ritual. your  concern at that moment was on how Dean was gonna react when he would find out, that he would soon think you were dead. 

Dean: “whats the 2 viles of blood for?”

the answer for that was easy, but you werent sure what was gonna come out of your mouth.

YN: “Dean, one vile is yours… one is mine… they are needed for the rite of transference…”

Dean: “rite of transference, YN that sounds dangerous.”

YN: “once i do this next part we can try to relax… look Dean i know your not 100% okay with this, but its gonna be alot better if we just let this go the way i have always planned…”

Dean: “how long have you been planning this?”

YN: “couple months…”

Dean: “but that would mean you have been planning this ritual since we found out that i’m the michael sword…”

you nod laying out the chant & preparing yourself for this ritual, this new step in your journey…

YN: “dean look when i founnd out about you being the Michael Sword, your safety became my instant concern… take a seat, im about to get this part over with…”

you stayed seated where you are, and Dean decided to just sit on the bed… you were now ready to do the ritual. it went something like this…

you pour the blood viles both in front of and opposite you.

keep your breathing consistant.

lay out the circle of blessed oil

then you begin the chant…

“Quaeso ut mihi vera Michahel archangelus sententia vadum take vas, quo veniat in translatione ritus, verum modo est vas iis erat ritus transitus fiat effective Dean Wintoniam ad me statim!” 

(roughly translated: I envoke the archangel Michael thou shall take me as thine true vessal, I invoke  the rite of transference, I now transfer rite of true vessel from Dean Winchester to me effective immediately)

now came the hard part, waiting for Michael to come down & kill you to complete the ritual. the sacrifice was a necessary part to complete the ritual. 

Dean: “now what? nice latin pronounciation by the way…”

YN: “thanks. now we wait…”

Dean comes and helps you get off of the floor. your hands linger within his for a while. Dean is the one that pulls away but his stare lingers at your own gaze as well. 

Dean: “well how bout we lay down and wait?”

YN: “we could also turn on the TV… maybe…”

but before you could finish your sentence you froze, you were so scared… but instead of finishing your sentencee something else came out…

YN: “im in love with you!!!”

Dean: “your what?”

YN: “im in love with you Dean Winchester!”

Dean’s reaction was immediate… Dean came up to you, cupped your face & kissed you.

at that moment it was easy, your only concern is how messed up this has made you feel. kissing dean is one thing, but he probably wouldnt want to kiss you if he knew you were lying… 

you guys fell back on the bed, but there wasnt anything holding you back except for the fact that in the morning you would be dead, while the sacrificial timer sets everything in place.

Dean pulls back and moves a piece of hair from your face.

Dean: “we don’t have to do anything tonight, that your not comfortable with.”

you had to think hard about this, but you knew it wouldn’t be right to have sex while lying to the love of your life…

Dean un-wrapped his arms from you slightly, his gaze never for a second leaving yours.

Dean: “how bout sharing my bed with me tonight???”

YN: “i would like to do tyhat but can i please wear one of your muscle shirts please?”

Dean gets up &went to his bag grabbing out his black muscle shirt and handing it to you as he is smiling helping you off the bed.

Dean: “get changed beautiful…”

you took the shirt & happily skipped to the bathroom. it was a happy moment.. although you physically were happy, emotionally you were about 5 sections from being okay…  you were about to probably die in your sleep, but also on top of that you were still lying to the love of your life…

finishing putting on the shirt, you exit the bathroom to find Dean but a few steps from the bathroom door. Dean was just standing there probably checking hs messages. you silently placed the clothes on the ground and silently lept at him, his muscles tensed beneath you, but at you knocked him flat on the bed and you landed beside him standing the power went out. 

NOW IT WAS BATTLE ROYALE!

if you thought Dean was scary on a hunt, he was even more scary when playing a game of cat and mouse in the dark in a small confined motel room. you got worried when your eyes adjusted to the darkness and didnt see Dean in yur direct line of sight. 

You slowly crept out of the nook you were crouched in. you took a lok around the room. it wasnt till you got into the bathroom that you took one look, turning to the door and about to walk out when you felt something behind you almost stalking you. 

you walked a few more steps and wasnt surprised when strong arms surrounded you from behind and pulled yu down onto the bed, pinning you flat on your back.

Dean: “nice try sweetheart…”

YN: “what makes you think i didnt win already… i got what i wanted… i finally have confirmation that you love me too… now are we gonna lay down proper and cuddle till we fall asleep or are you gonna just hold me down till this unexpected power outage passes.”

Dean got off of you for 2 seconds going round flicking every light switch he knew you guys had turned on, while you backed up on the bed, into more of a reasonable position.

Dean: “how would you prefer we rock tonight?”

YN: “i’d just prefer you hold me and we just cuddle and relax. my senses are kinda haywire. is that okay with you?”

Dean crawls in beside you and holds his arms out for you, which you enter willingly feeling Dean place a kiss to your forhead.

Dean: “as long as your not going anywhere i’m okay with whatever you want to do.”

YN: “you know Dean i was thinking about this on my drive here, i didnt know that you would actualy come after me i didnt realize that you coming after me was gonna change my outlook on my supposed future. i’m sorry i ran off, im sorry i did this ritual, im sorry that i wanted to be the one to save your ass instead of you saving mine.”

Dean pulled your chin to look at him.

Dean: “i understand why you did all that and more so i am not mad at all because had you not run off with leaving a note, i wouldnt have known about this you could have been seriously hurt or worse. i wasnt gonna loose the one thing that makes me keep living. i dont mind if once in a while you save my life as long as you never ever decide to do something stupid again.”

YN: “no promises hunters make stupid decisions every single day. i recall you making a few of those stupid decisions.”

Dean: “okay missy, we dont talk about those times alright. now shut up and kiss me. let our kisses flood this night with passion. till sleep overtakes.”

your lips met Deans in a ferverous passion, the energy from that overtook you both, nothing crazy happened per to a discussion you both had earlier but eventually you both were cuddled and asleep. 

Michael dropped in silently, he witnessed the sight of you in the arms of Dean while this sight displeased him it also had the potential to make his vessel to be stronger than not.

Michael stood in the pentagram on the floor where you did the ritual and held his hand out toward you.

“"Mea ad tempus, et tempus tuam, hoc est, quam operatur in me Michael Brand tibi signum a angelis, in II huius signum est quod aliis in vita euacuabit te perdere illos qui quaeris tibi. Michael iam non accipit verba vestra. Consummatum est!“

(roughly translated: its my time, its your time, this is how it works I Michael Brand you with the mark of the angels, this mark is on 2 others in your life this will ward you from those who will seek to destroy you. I Michael now accept your terms. It is finished!)

Michael with one wave of his hand and a few glances left as quickly as he had come in. before long it was dawn breaking through the window. Castiel had been standing out near the impala having sensed Michael in the area near you and Dean wanted to make sure nothing went wrong. 

it wasnt till Dean woke and started panicing shouting Cas’ name that made life all too real. for Cas appeared in the room to see Dean holding your lifeless form. 

Cas: “she did it didnt she… she did the rite of transference…”

Dean: “what do you know about what has happened to her?”

Cas: “Dean i need you to calm down before i explain because once i do i’m not sure it will be me you are angry at…”

Dean had to take a few moments to breathe deeply before nodding at cas to continue speaking.

Cas: “the rite of transferance although proven effective in transferring power from one to another its not without cost. the price of this rite was that YN had to kinda die while the spell set, in the same way when you died by hellhound all those years back to set you on the path of the angels and being the Michael sword she has to be set on the path in a similar way. there is only one way to bring her back but its tricky and ONLY YOU CAN DO IT.”

Dean: “what do i need to do.”

Cas snapped his fingers and teleported both your body and Dean to the door in between Heaven and Hell. where souls wander till they are shown where they are to go.

Dean: “where are we?”

Cas: “the door to the plain between Heaven and Hell, where souls of the newly dead wander till they are shown where to go. this is where YN should be, this is where you need to go in order to find her and bring her back to this door. bring her to the door and kiss her before you enter back through it both of you should return to your bodies.”

Dean looked at Cas when he finished his last sentance.

Dean: “should what do you mean should?”

Cas: “i mean things could go horribly wrong. this plain of existence is meant to show the person what life/future they could have had. kinda like a pre-way into their judgement day.”

there was one thing that crossed dean’s mind instantly.

Dean: “what will happen to me when i enter into this plain.?.”

Cas: “well you will basically not see your judgement day thing you will see a bunch of people standing around probably talking to themselves but  if all goes well the only one who should be able to see you is YN. once you find her you both need to get back to the door. the door is the safe zone. where she will gain a physical form and you can kiss her sending her too her body and you can walk back out the door. its as easy as that.”

Dean: “ok how will i know when its time to go through the door…”

Cas shrugged…

Cas: “you will have this urging feeling you will have this inkling, this nudging feeling inside your gut.”

Dean waited a few moments making sure that his handheld was ready before feeling something suddenly jump inside him. he took it as his cue to approach and go through the door. 

Cas: “good luck Dean i hope you both return intact.”

Dean nods and reaches to open the door, which succeeds and he steps through. he doesnt notice the door close behind him, instead is focusing on his footing and not bumping into anything or more importantly anyone.

keeping his handheld close he made his way through the path seeing many people on many benders, but the one he was looking for was not around. he then came across a sign post, a sign post which happened to have a map on it, of where every single person who resided there currently was placed. 

after  few moments of reading name after name he came across yours. Dean ran in the direction of the map which he had used your phone to take a photo of. upon arriving at your sight he happened to see you crouched in the corner surrounded by what he could only percieve as her greatest fears.

Dean just stood there and watched as the same fear played out a million times over. the fear that was tormenting you was the day Dean died, the day he was mauled by a hellhound, you had been rescued a month before that day. 

on that day, you were so angry and upset but the weird thing was that you shattered the windows and cracked the floor and walls with your voice. Sam later had found out that you were able to do that cause you havee a sirens voice pattern.

your only greatest fear was that you would somehow be controlled by something bad. that explained so much to Dean, that explained why you were so cautious and paranoid. 

Dean now seeing that entire fear played out happened to make him just clear his throat, he watched your tear/fear filled eyes slowly move to look at him. You got up off the ground and ran straight at the person who has made your life better than expected.

YN: “how are you here? wait are you here cause your… please tell me your not…”

Dean: “no im not i was told to come after you, your under the remnants of a sleeping curse of sorts. come with me and we can go back home together. Cas will also examine you for damages and right now we need to get out of here, this is the roadway too judgement day.”

YN: “i didnt know id end up here while the spell takes effect but i guess thats what happened. anyway lets go… get out of here and see if Michael Branded me.”

Dean and you run hand in hand back up the path, towards the door, Dean and you stop at the door. 

Dean: “ok cas said i have to kiss you right here sending you back to your body, then i have to walk through the door. but hun listen to me if i get bck through that door and something goes wrong again, i swear we will figure out a way for you not to go to hell, to not be tethered to Michael, so i don’t have to loose you. now lets send you back and find out if Michael Branded you.”

Dean at that moment leaned in to kiss you, a spark of light energy flowed out of your kiss. you began to fade, you began to go back to your own body. to which Dean didnt back off or open the door till you were fully gone. 

Dean then opens the door and breathes a huge intake of air, like he was coming to life once again. at that moment you wake up in your own body, your eyes adjusting to the surroundings, but your eyes landed on the forms of Cas & Dean which made you get off the ground.

Dean: “i’m glad your back. when i woke up and you didnt, it scared the living hell out of me. what was i supposed to do… why didnt you tell me about this ritual? bout you dying to set it in place?”

YN: “cause i couldnt do that to you, cause it was my burden to bare…”

Cas: “im afraid that when Michael paid you a visit last night, he branded you with enochian markings. invisible to humans but visible to angels.”

Dean: “where are these markings?”

Cas grabs a piece of tree bark off a tree and places the bark over you where your ribs would be, for which Cas waves his hand over the bark making kind of an xray image appear on the Bark. Cas then turns the Bark around to face you, you and Dean just stared at it.

Cas: “its enochian... Michael branded YN’’s ribs with enochian warding, meaning that only me and Michael can find YN no other angel or demon can.”

Dean: “well this will be something of a rare thing... this will also be something to behold. this means she is safe. this means she will be a badass secret weapon.”

Cas: “exactly... now lets get out of here before we loose anyone else.”

with that you, Dean and Cas all went back to the bunker. this was now the time to pick your next move.

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode #9: “i hope that i'm out of the pickle and eating the... pickle” - Daisy

how i feel about merge: https://66.media.tumblr.com/68a1cf13a1ea5ca8ec0c6c8a044f92ad/fdb9160ed3342b6d-08/s500x750/a71a511c4f332aba10424d15b5e074bc9bbe5e0d.gifv

Click HERE to watch Szymon’s Video!

Click HERE to watch Daisy’s Video!

Click HERE to watch Chips’ Video!

Click HERE to listen to Szymon’s Vocaroo!

Click HERE to view Szymon’s Trust Rankings!

Click HERE to listen to Szymon’s Vocaroo!

Click HERE to listen to Szymon’s Vocaroo!

Click HERE to watch Daisy’s Video!

Click HERE to watch Rob’s Video! Click HERE to watch another of Rob’s Videos!

So here is my i guess merge confessional! LOOK WHAT I DID! I MADE THE MERGE HEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Voting cindi out last round was very sad but very needed, i think she was looking to have fun and cause chaos but i need some stability in my life rn, crackhead seamus has not came out yet and he can’t yet LMAO. so what happened is as soon as we merged Szymon approached me and wanted to call, and pretty much went on a rant about how annoying Rob is and how everyones so far up his ass, and that HE HAS THE IDOL!!!! And that Szymon wants me daisy and jules to start working together which i was like OH I LIKE THIS. Going into merge i wanted to reconnect with rob, and then keep my alliances with daisy and gage and try and just use them as shields to get into deep merge and then start causing shit.

In terms of my thoughts on everyone…. Gage i am very torn about. Because he is the person i am closest to on a personal level but i think game wise he just is rlly desperate to not lose. I offered him a f2 on our last tribe which i do intend on keeping my word on, but then as soon as we merge i just felt kinda off about him? And he formed a new alliance with Szymon Rob and Conor and didnt say nothing to me or tried to include me. Szymon leaked it tho and so im like oh ok i see i see. I think he is trying to have his hand in everyones cookie jar, but knowing he wants everything is off putting from an ally stance. But also last night he opened up a bit with me and i think he genuinely does wanna work with me, just perhaps not with Daisy. so i am trying to figure out like what is the right move with Gage, is he someone who can actually commit? and will he defend me if people like rob or conor suggest voting me? idk, but i hope he would.

Daisy: my relationship with Daisy is really strong. I think we have a lot in common personally and game wise we mesh really well. Coming in from embb10 i wasnt sure how we would work together but so far so good. everyday she makes me laugh and i want to keep working with her. Supposedly people are painting us two as a duo but i also think if people targeted us they would choose Daisy over me at this point which means i can embrace and keep working with her however openly i wish. Daisy i think also wants to more so work with Szymon and Jules which is fine by me. I think us 3/4 can work really well, it’s just about finding the right time to possibly take a shot at someone.

Szymon: i wasnt sure how i felt about Szymon at the beginning. Sometimes i thought he was annoying, other times i just thought he was being himself which i sometimes just dont vibe with. But him being really honest about his opinions with people shows that he actually is someone i can work with. i am a blunt person and when others are willing to throw mud too, it means we can work well together. I think he is very eager to vote out Rob and also doesnt want to work with Gage which i’m not 100% sure what my plan is yet regarding both.

Rob: rob is a big threat but only because he is so blatantly talking to everyone. dont get me wrong Rob is a great guy, but he isn’t a great ally just because he talks to me. I also know that he has the idol and clearly I aint the top of his ally list since he didnt include me in the one with gage szymon and conor and he also didnt tell me about his idol. Also every inactive person talking to him is not good bc i dont want his farmer ass to let his sheep target me. I think Rob may go home very early and he wont even see it coming.

chips/brandan: we arent working together. that’s about it.

Conor: we became a bit closer during the swap but i certainly wouldnt say he is an ally. more like a neutral friend. i think conor plans on working with gage/rob/szymon. which doesnt include me. But i dont think he has many other connections such as with dylan or daisy or jules. so im not sure how much he’ll be doing anytime soon.

Lovelis: he seems pretty inactive. itll be interesting to see if i can use our pre-established friendship to kinda pull him in and work with him but i also dont know who he plans on working with or doing. very nice and everyone agrees when he is on he is fun to talk to, its just about activity levels and trying to see if he actually is here to play or not.

Dylan: I LIKE DYLAN. BUT HE ALSO LEFT ME ON READ FOR LIKE 16 HOURS NOW LMAO. He was super fun to talk to on our tribe game night, and then in pms but then he kinda ghosted me but continued to talk in the tribe chat. granted i got rlly sloppy drunk last night so when he was free to talk more i wasnt ;/ So ill be interested to see if we can keep vibing, im defnitely open to working with him bc he seems like he would be fun to strategize and work with, but we aren’t necessarily at that point yet.

Jules: juuuules!!!!! amazing, fantastic, the best. but also not the most active. im interested in working with her and i think she appreciates me being crazy and i appreciate her being crazy too. also she is the main reason i won this challenge SOOOOOO. I think me szymon and daisy have a great opportunity to work with her and form a tight 4 if thats the path we choose to go down. Jules is here for fun and to socialize with people and i think some people are off putted by that but i thinks its fine, i just hope we have fun doing crazy stuff together and not against one another :D

THATS IT! MY MERGE CAST ASSESSMENT.

________________________________________________________________

SO I WON IMMUNITY! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE WHICH IS KINDA EMBARRASING SINCE I ONLY ASKED 2 PEOPLE FOR THEIR WORDS, AND THEN DAISY/JULES/SZYMON GAVE ME THE REST. Honk honk i love sharing, this is what communism is all about! But being immune first is kinda a great thing because it really puts you in a firm spot and allows/forces people to strategize with you. since i am unsure if i can attend tribal/live night it also provides some much needed security early on. i am hoping chips goes home at this first tribal which seemingly everyone is on board with. And then id prefer brandan or lovelis to go in live night. But i think Szymon and Daisy will want to vote for Rob. I am not sure if i want to take that shot yet because it might hurt my chances of working with Gage, but also leaves several more inactive people in. if i was confident people like lovelis and brandan would follow rob out the door that would be one thing, but i think it would make people like conor/gage possibly start targeting szymon/daisy/myself and that isnt a good thing. especially if we can wait to f9, and have 5 directly on rob and he goes home and then theres less potential for us getting outvoted

Click HERE to watch Daisy’s Video!

Click HERE to watch Dylan G’s Video!

I know I have been sending only really text confessionals right now and I am REALLY sorry about that, since pretty much a lot of my life has FINALLY FUCKING CLEARED UP I can actually start doing them, butttt since I'm a procrastinator on all sense of the word I'm just gonna type something here and be done with it okay?

Anyways, MERRRRGGGEE! I am fucking SHOCKED that I have made it this far. Keep in mind I really don't think that I would have had any issues getting to the merge keep in mind. Other than the shit I was going through early game and then with some other stuff I feel relatively blessed to be here. I made some connections on my swapped tribe which helped me stay around, and then afterwards I pretty much like... I'm here! I wanted to try and win as many challenges as I could just to help me get by, but then again I'm not the most TALKATIVE person in the world so whatever, I'm planning on fixing that now.

ANYWAYS going into live night I am worried. I was playing three games at once including this WHILE working and BEFORE I got COVID so that was.... okay that wasn't really that fun but still WHATEVER I TRIED GURL OKAY? And from the looks of it the first round should be easy with a relative chips boot which I am fine with. The second round though? That's where the primary issue lies. The only name I heard relative to that is potentially lovealis which I am down with. I got Jules who is a Brandan STAN, my Coco loco alliance with daisy/szymon, and other connections I have made with people like rob. Since after Chips leaves we're in the Final 10 during live night that's easier for my mental sanity. and with me/daisy/szymon/rob/jules, that is already HALF the votes. So I feel... good.

I did not succeed at the social queen immunity.

A social queen i am not.

I was told the vote would be me... so I packed my bags.

Then... a LONG time later they want to blindside Rob. I say okay, I'm down knowing I trust no one so trying to hold on to my smallest sliver of hope that this isn't an elaborate lie.

Then we get live round! If I make it that far I'm ready to party!

Click HERE to watch Gage’s Video!

Click HERE to watch Rob’s Final Words

________________________________________________________________

Rob is voted out 6-3-1. He becomes the first member of our jury. We then have LIVE NIGHT! At live night, Lovelis goes home 9-1 and becomes the second member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment for this Episode and last Episode below:

[x4f0wrcg-blog]

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[tripile]

A Winter CSF Leak Update

I’ve received many very similar emails and DMs during the last few days.

“Jodi…?” the messages start out. “I don’t want to bother you but it has been a long time since you posted, and I’m really starting to worry.”

“Jodi: blink twice if you’re ok?”

“Jodi, here is a llama walking into an optometrist’s office in France. I thought of you! Also, ARE YOU OK?”

In a world of easy access to people’s inboxes, readers have only been a pleasure, a virtual cloud of warmth and never a burden. And when so many of you ping at once, I know I am due for an update. In this slow bedrest state, life feels like a woozy Groundhog Day. I love the filaments that connect me to so many of you, reminding me not to lose track of time entirely. I am so humbled by your care.

***

When I was a kid, my mother said my first word was a word. Instead of continuing along those lines, apparently the next thing I started said was a sentence, “see car go by.”

“And then,” my family jokes, “she never stopped talking!”

Being at a loss for words is not a problem I normally have. But yes, I have been very lax at updating because it’s been hard to find words for what I’m feeling.

A Leaky Anniversary

January 26 was the one year anniversary of the patch that sealed me last year. I had a really rough and heart-wrenching time reckoning with where I am on this anniversary. Instead of scaffolding off the slow and arduous recovery that followed the anaphylaxis and procedure, I am in bed.

Again.

For many months.

If you’re just tuning in, the CSF leak that sealed up and was healing reopened because I sat on the ground. Gingerly. Not even enthusiastically. I went from 4-5km walks a day, to no walking in record time.

At first, I was in extreme denial that something so small, so inhibited could blow out the scar tissue that had months to form. But one by one, each symptom I had in 2017 came back. I keep detailed daily logs of every symptom, supplement or mediation, and food. I couldn’t deny what I was experiencing.

Then, the grief. The anger. The deep sadness, the kind that suffocates all hope.

We learn about the “stages of grief” in popular culture, but what happens when they just cycle over and over? When you think you’ve come out the other side and can breathe again, when you tilt your face up at a brighter-than-you-remembered sun, only to find that you’re back in the dark?

***

My body, when I releaked, was in far better shape than the initial leak in 2017. Labs last summer showed improvements and lower inflammatory markers. I tried to stay positive. My friends and family came to visit. My inbox overflowed with llama photos.

As fall turned to winter, I saw some wonderful improvements. I stopped having the “brain sag” of my brain smushing into my spine due to low pressure. I moved into “high pressure” again, which is usually a symptom of the leak starting to seal over — the extra CSF produced while leaking backs up against the hole now tentatively closed. I started on the meds to lower intracranial pressure to prevent the fragile seal from bursting due to pressure. I felt cautiously optimistic.

And then a few weeks later in mid-December, I had an awful nightmare in my sleep. I remember it perfectly. And I also remember what woke me up: the excruciating pain in my back.

After an epidural blood patch to seal a CSF leak, the discharge instructions note that there’s to be no bending, lifting, or twisting for many weeks, but also that coughing or sneezing can blow out the patch due to intrathecal pressure. Many fellow leakers have blown out their patches — a clot or glue covering the leak temporarily while your own body can heal with scar tissue underneath — from constipation (pushing), sneezing, coughing, laughing.

Suspend your humanness while you can, the unsaid instructions whisper. Don’t do anything that can compromise this seal.

In my case, this nightmare I had blew out the seal and I was back to square one.

The Roller-Coaster of Ups and Downs

It is difficult for me to express the crazy-making nature of this condition.

No imaging sensitive enough to show a leak in many cases, including where it is located in the spine. Many people are chronically misdiagnosed because their imaging is normal. Normal imaging, the leak experts have learned, does not exclude a leak.

So the best way to know if you are leaking is via your symptoms, which only exacerbates your anxiety about what may or may not be happening in your body. It is a very tough, very exhausting dance to undertake. I have struggled the most with this balance of attempting to stay in touch with my body while also uncurling my clenched hands from the eventual outcome. Science tells us that focusing ad nauseum on our pain can magnify it in our minds, hence the usefulness of mindfulness and other meditation.

When your condition requires a focus on pain, and you also know you need to stay equanimous to heal effectively? That is a total mindfuck.

***

In mid-December, a close family member took a turn for the very worse. The funeral was around Christmas. I was too unwell to attend. Combined with the Re-Re-leak, I spiralled pretty solidly into a very bleak place.

If I’ve learned anything in this madness, it’s that staying in the black hole of despair is not how you heal. With the crutches of visits and calls from close friends, someone to talk with who specializes in grief, and the tools I’ve drawn on at the worst of times, I was able to wrench myself to a better place.

But still, I am not sealed and healed.

***

I put off Duke when I re-leaked because of what happened during the last round of patching. There is a lesson about anxiety in that procedure too: in my most creative of nightmares, I never imagined anaphylaxis as part of what could go wrong.

But it did, and while they will not use fibrin glue again (suspecting that was the cause for anaphylaxis), I’ve written about how my body seems to be stuck in that very reactive, anaphylax-y place. My mast cells degranulated all over the place and LOVED it. They seem to enjoy doing so again and again since, not only to foods but also smells – and even hot showers.

Given how pear-shaped things went last time, I wanted to give my body a long chance to seal before committing to another procedure. When I did seemingly seal up in November, I was so thrilled. It didn’t (and doesn’t) matter to me if it takes a long time, though my parents have the patience of saints. If slow and steady was the way, I was ok with that as long as I sealed up.

I will be honest: my turbulent December and January have tested the limits of my capacity for grace and patience and hope. I have been on bedrest for quite a few months. While I’m not bored, the pain levels are pretty unconscionable and keeping my spirit up has been a mighty challenge.

From my own calculus: if I do need to go back to Duke, I want to know I gave my body a full shot.

That way, if – IF – things go awry again during a procedure, I won’t be able to look back and say, “should have given it a bit more time.”

***

So where are we now? It’s February, and almost at my favourite holiday in the world: Vietnamese lunar new year or Tet. An amazing reader named Wendy just sent me a pic of lamp in my name from her family’s temple in Malaysia, a New Year wish of health and prosperity. Lunar new year was a time for reflection and cleaning and cleansing for my years in Asia, and I’ve kept that spirit during my return to Mexico and Canada. New Year starts in a few days, and with it I hope a better climate for healing.

I have seen such progress since the re-leak, progress I didn’t see when first in bed in 2017. I keep flipping into high pressure as it starts to seal, then unsealing. It may be that I need intervention after all, but I still have hope that the JodiDura-that-could comes through this winter. I’m eating a strict and healthy diet, meditating, visualizing, consistently working to bring my mind into a better space.

If I can’t seal during the winter, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t try.

Learning to be the Tortoise

There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run. Tired of hearing him boast, Slow and Steady, the tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch. Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest. He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out, “How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow, slow pace?” Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep, thinking, “There is plenty of time to relax.” Slow and Steady walked and walked. He never, ever stopped until he came to the finish line. The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare. Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line. After that, Hare always reminded himself, “Don’t brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won the race!”

The moral lesson of the Aesop’s “Tortoise and the Hare” fable is that sometimes you can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by rash action. The race (of life) isn’t necessarily won by the fastest or strongest animal, but by those who persist in the face of obstacles – including the obstacle of time.

I undertook my life in the stubborn spirit of the hare.

I went to law school straight from grade 13 (CEGEP, in Quebec) because someone bet me I couldn’t get in. I took a job in NYC because on my first day of law school, someone said, “you don’t deserve to be here. Go back to high school where you belong. And don’t bother getting a job in New York City – you’ll never succeed.” When I quit my law job, it wasn’t for a two month trip, it was for an open jaw adventure to Siberia that unfurled into a glorious and food-filled new career.

My identity for years was the lawyer who quit her job to eat soup. As I’ve laid in bed on and off since 2017, I’ve watched the travel industry and my fellow writers move on with their lives. Mine feels very stuck. I am very unused to not being able to solve problems by DOING, and it is a monumental shift in my mindset. Above and beyond the leak, my health will require a different way of approaching work.

Apparently it’s time to be the tortoise.

Tortoise pic from one of the first adventures in my round-the-world trip: the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador

I’m still feeling around the edges of what that means for me. Sealing and healing will require me to change a lot about how I approach work and achievement, because excessive doing is a surefire way to undo my progress. There’s a lot here I hope to write about in the future, about learning to get under your mind and into your heart.

About listening to your body before it’s too late.

About not necessarily taking every bet that comes your way as a life challenge.

For now, though, I don’t know what I will redefine life “as.” I trust that it will unfold in its own way. While mourning the life I had, I also feel curious about what comes next.

But first: this leak in my spine needs to be firmly sealed for me to get walking again.

***

Thank you all as always for the caring notes, the questions, and the overwhelming support and love. I am extraordinarily lucky to have such a robust army of cheerleaders around the world.

Many of you have dedicated your meditation practices to my health, and for that I am grateful. I do plan to restart the group meditations next week, on Sunday February 10th. If you are interested in joining, the first 7 weeks are here, and you can enjoy any of the meditations as the tracks are all on that post.

I have been meditating alone here, but with all that unfolded I couldn’t manage the group ones during the holidays. I appreciate how many emails I’ve received asking when they’ll restart, and I am so glad many of you find them helpful and a source of light.

I haven’t written publicly in a long time, but typing this post out with my thumbs felt very good. I missed it. And though I would still be writing if no one was reading, I’m glad to go through this very tough journey with a community like you to help make things better along the way.

Jodi

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