#yes even if you're otherwise cishet

[ridibulous]

radfem logic is hilarious. gtfo of here with your arophobic nonsense "you aren't oppressed for your 'sexuality' unless you experience same sex attraction" like brother. you are contributing to aromantic oppression

[dootdootwriting]

♡ PRIDE with the HSR cast ♡

featuring: jing yuan; bronya; dan heng; gepard landau; himeko; march 7th; natasha; sampo; seele; serval landau; welt yang tw: none type: fluff, pride month, hcs, a lil bit silly pronouns used: none a/n: cishets dni with this post <3 it's not for you <3 (normally you are welcome on my blog! just not this post) queer ppl PLEASE interact. idc what ur identity is if you're lgbtq+ in some way this post is for you <3 i love you (YES this includes trans straight people and bi people with crushes on characters of the opposite gender. you are loved and included)

ERM sorry this is a day late i got really tired and had to finish it today!! utc for length as usual

DAN HENG

kind of forgets about it until it's june first and he goes "oh wait. it's the gay month now isnt it"

anyway he's happy he gets to celebrate it with you. otherwise he wouldn't really see the point in doing anything special

probably gets you some kind of gift with your flag on it <3 whether it be a plushie or a banner or just a flag!

if you like going to the parades and celebrations, he'll go with you. he's not a huge fan of all the crowds of people there, but it doesn't bother him too much and he likes seeing you happy, so the net value is positive

buys something for himself if the two of you go shopping this month

he'll see a t-shirt with a little rainbow on the chest and he smiles a bit and buys it to sleep in

you also get him obnoxiously rainbow sweatpants. at first he is incredibly offended, but eventually they grow on him and he starts wearing them around the astral express. march lives for them and was visibly upset that she did not get a pair.

MARCH 7TH

WOW!!! ALL GAY PEOPLES' BIRTHDAY!!! NO WAY!!!

march is the most excited for pride month out of everyone on the astral express. she stays up until midnight on june 1st like it's new year's eve

AGGRESSIVE with all her pride merch. she gets you so much shit too. pride shirt. pride sweatshirt. pride socks. a million pride bracelets.

if the two of you go out together in june, she makes sure you're also dressed to the nines in various flags and rainbow colors

drags you to the pride parades. march convinces the crew of the express to let her make a train float for the parade of whatever planet you're on and she goes TO THE MAX with it.

speaking of the express, when everyone wakes up and enters the main train car, they find march putting up streamers and blasting lady gaga at full volume

tldr she's fucking excited

HIMEKO

ohh pride month! so blowing homophobes up is legal this month?

well, i wish. sorry himeko

she's one for more subtle pride merch. maybe a hair-tie or a bracelet, but she has at least one little flag on her at all times.

also has some pride pajamas. hey, they're comfy.

if you're comfortable, she'll take you to the pride parades. if not, no problem, the two of you can celebrate from home.

also probably gifts you something! she gets matching pins for the two of you so you can be proud... together!!

if any of the other express crew comments on her little pride ornaments, she goes "yeah? and what about it?" like a queen. this is completely ineffective however because the entire crew is queer in some way

WELT YANG

oh, it's june again. alright.

doesn't really see the need to celebrate, but will allow you to adorn him with various pride baubles if you so desire

thinks it's very cute if you get excited about pride... like yeah, yeah you should be proud.

while he doesn't outwardly show much excitement about the occasion, you notice welt gets more affectionate with you

there are more little forehead kisses when he passes you, more reaching for your hand when he walks beside you, and you swear you can feel him hold you just a little bit tighter when you go to sleep

when march proposes the idea of decorating the express, he gives a slight but genuine smile and shoots you a knowing look.

even though he could celebrate himself this month if he chose to, for welt, it's more about celebrating you and the relationship he has with you.

he's more proud of that than anything else.

BRONYA

exhausted by pride month before it even begins LOL

being the head of the city, she's in charge of sanctioning and scheduling and planning all the official pride parades and celebrations happening around belobog, and, well... wow, are people in belobog really fucking gay

also deigns to go give some speeches at a couple of the rallies. she's a cool supreme guardian

cocolia allowed pride parades during her reign, but she never encouraged them. both to celebrate her own identity and yours and completely spite her mother, bronya encourages the people of belobog to go all out

and they do!

she gets a couple of gifts for you. not anything super huge or out there, but a flag or a shirt or a hair pin to match with one of hers.

bronya also gets premium seats to any pride parade she goes to, and she definitely takes advantage of this. kind of the best dates ever.

and when she's exhausted by the day's events and the two of you lay down to bed, you can hear her quietly wish you happy pride.

GEPARD LANDAU

gets really excited about pride, but doesn't really know what to do with it

and also, as captain of the silvermane guards, he's tasked with making sure all the official belobog pride parades are safe and orderly

this is quite the task given how passionate belobog's gay community is

on days where he doesn't bring you, he comes back covered in fans and stickers and streamers and confetti in the colors of pretty much any queer flag you can think of.

he has you deck out his armor for him. you grab your paint and stickers and washi tape and decorate the hell out of him

he's so happy when you do this. it's a very sweet moment full of fun and laughter and intimacy

no cops at pride! only gepard landau and his exuberant rainbow armor

SERVAL LANDAU

YOU LOOK AT HER AND TELL ME SHE DOESN'T BOOK SO MANY PRIDE PARADE GIGS

lord. it's so sexy. she performs her music on as many pride floats as she can, and every single time, she either takes you with her or looks at you in the crowd and blows you a kiss after her big number

SERVAL CAN I HAVE A KISSIE KISS PLS <3333

also aggressively proud. she paints her cheeks with her flag(s) and roams around yelling happy pride at anyone she sees in the streets wearing rainbows

the two of you go to a café and the guy taking your order is wearing a trans wristband and she gets so excited she starts yelling by accident and ends up giving him a 30% tip and a free concert ticket

you stare at her and shes like what??? it's pride month

girl get a grip.....?

probably takes you to a couple of raves too

you paint so many flags on each other that it looks like your skin is rainbow and stay out until the early hours of the morning

SEELE

only knows what pride month is because you explain it to her

while there's a normal sized lgbtq+ population in the underground, chances are pride celebrations every year are short and not very big

she learns about it and is so excited

seele wants to go to a pride parade in the overworld with you, but even more than that she wants to set up a parade for the people in the underground so they can really celebrate themselves

it takes a few weeks of planning and execution, but it's successful and it pays off. it's a huge amount of fun for everyone in the underground who wants to participate, and a welcome distration from the lingering effects of the stellaron

part of the planning for this of course involves taking out to attend pride parades up in belobog

the first few minutes of being in the crowd, seele is a little nervous about all the people and the fact she can't move around too easily. but she gets used to it pretty quickly

she has the best reflexes out of everyone in the crowd and manages to catch every single freebie thrown off of the floats. she brings them back to distribute among the kids in the underground.

NATASHA

natasha is reasonably excited for pride month

possibly the most normal out of everyone on jarilo VI

she puts little rainbow flag posters up on the walls of her clinic to make sure that queer kids know they're safe there year round, but they double during june

YOU CANNOT convince me natasha isn't the biggest giver of hrt treatment on jarilo VI you cannot

she wishes all her trans and otherwise queer patients happy pride when they come in, and hands out little rainbow stickers to kids she has to give shots to

her work takes up most of her day, and she regrets this during this month the most because she can't spend time with you

she's able to take the day off for your birthday and other important occasions, but patients need care

to make it up to you, the month of june is full of extra late-night dates once she's gotten home from the clinic and candlelit dinners.

SAMPO

i've said it before and i'll say it again: sampo runs an overpriced pride merch stall

and you look sooooo cute modeling all those pins and buttons and shirts and socks and hats and

has you stand around waving your flags decked out in all things rainbow, to attract customers

a couple of people rightfully accuse him of ripping them off, but sampo just blinks up at them innocently. they'd really accuse him of such a thing? during pride month of all times? have they no shame?

sampo has no shame. those customers were reacting reasonably.

when he's not conducting business, he's even more affectionate than usual, which, frankly, is difficult to do since he's usually glued to your side

"it's pride month!! we should kiss all the time obnoxiously in public to show people what queer love and joy look like"

babe....

JING YUAN

the general... has almost no time to spare for pride month

which, honestly, is such a disappointment to him. he was so looking forward to june and spending extra time with you

so instead, he has you accompany him to his work and keep him company and chat with him and sit on his lap on occasion and give him kisses when he's tired and

his coworkers are staring.

"do i detect homophobia in the room? during pride month? get back to work." (he's joking)

the lion gets a RAINBOW BOW TIE COLLAR and he is WORKING IT!!

he looks so dapper. he struts around like he's the handsomest man in the world

and he is, second to your jing yuan, of course

to show support for his community, the general flies a rainbow flag from the building

the gay is visible throughout the entire luofu

[anghraine]

I'm trying to redirect my political thoughts from my fandom escape blog again, but I found something interesting enough that I thought I'd talk a little about it.

Occasionally I choose suffering (looking at the more granular 2024 exit poll breakdowns rather than the summaries that I mostly don't trust much at this point). Anyway, I did find something intriguing, if not particularly surprising, in the CNN exit polls, which were done in Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Michigan, Nevada, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas, and Wisconsin with a sample size of 22,914 voters.

(I mention the specific states forming the sample because this pretty notably excludes any blue states while including some reliably Republican ones.)

Anyway, most exit polls including CNN's let respondents identify their place on the US political spectrum: conservative, moderate, or liberal (reminder that "liberal" in US usage can be a pejorative for "less leftist than me" but also a shorthand for "radical leftist" but also for "anyone who doesn't seek a cishet white Christian ethnostate", but also can be a more neutral synonym for progressives and/or leftists and is often used that way, as here). So you can look at the election results for each of these ideological factions and what share of the overall sample size they represent.

The interesting thing: this "liberal" category accounted for very similar proportions to 2020 of the overall vote in the sample (24% in 2020, 23% in 2024—a difference well within the margin of error of exit polling). There is no need to explain liberals/leftists staying home in 2024: at least in terms of proportions of the overall electorate, they didn't. Just under 1/4 of voters in 2024 were liberals or leftists, just as in 2020.

Okay, if the most leftwards faction of the US political spectrum actually formed a similar proportion of the electorate, then who did they vote for?

Harris. In CNN's own exit polls from 2020, 89% of this faction voted for Biden, and (surprisingly!) a full 10% voted for Trump. God knows what motivated that 10% Trump share after four years of his hellscape of an administration at the height of COVID, but in any case, that support cratered in 2024. 91% of this group voted for Harris and only 4% for Trump. It's an estimate, but it looks like these very peculiar Trump voters had enough of him in 2024 and around half either voted third party this time or for Harris.

So which faction is Trump's victory coming from? Further consolidation of the far right?

In part, yes! 90% of conservatives voted for Trump in 2024, vs 85% in 2020—likely, some conservatives who voted third party or even for Biden in 2020 came "home" this year. However, conservative turnout was actually a little down in 2024, proportionally speaking: conservatives dropped from 38% of the sample in 2020 to 34% in 2024.

But there's one more major faction in all this: "moderates" or centrists. To be clear, we're talking about the US version of centrism, given that this is a US organization polling US voters about US politicians, not "Bernie would be center-right in Denmark" or whatever. This moderate faction jumped from 38% of the overall sample in 2020 to 42% in 2024, and they swung hard towards Trump, though Harris still won a plurality of them. In 2020, 64% of moderates voted for Biden vs 34% for Trump. In 2024, 57% of them voted for Harris vs 40% for Trump—that is, the Democratic lead among centrists dropped precipitously from +30 to +17.

Tl;dr—ideologically speaking, this data suggests that Trump owes his victory to gains among both right-wing and centrist voters rather than some faction of would-be leftists or progressives apathetically staying home or voting third-party or otherwise deserting Democrats (because they're insufficiently radical or for any other reason).

Oh, and if you're curious as to how this compares to CNN's 2016 exit polls, I also checked those! Harris's 84-point lead among the most leftwards faction is a significant improvement from HRC's 74-point lead in 2016. Trump also got 10% of that group in 2016, as in 2020, so it's this campaign—not Hillary's or Biden's—that managed to eat into whatever the hell is going on with that group.

Harris's +17 with moderates is actually a slight improvement on Hillary's +12 in 2016. Biden's jump to a +30 lead in 2020 represented either a backlash against Trump from centrists, or Biden's own rapport with centrists, or some mysterious issue some of those voters had with both HRC and Harris (I wonder what it could be!!), or some combination thereof. Regardless, there are a lot of actual ideologically centrist voters in the USA and not just would-be leftists who haven't heard the good news of Marx yet. And Trump has an iron grip on the right wing at this point: he beat Hillary with conservatives by +65 in 2016, then beat Biden with an even larger margin of +71, then leapt to a 81-point lead over Harris with right-wing voters this year.

[amongstotherthings-likeurmom]

Yes I saw a post https://www.tumblr.com/sapphire-weapon/757016148412956672/this-has-been-my-old-person-rant-of-the-daythis?source=share from a resident evil blog. I have no clue how it has to do with leshley but thoughts?

Well first off I do not ship Leshley nor do I engage in ship discourse. Ship and let ship! If I dont like a ship I block and scroll but good for them if they enjoy it!

I think this is an honest mistake.

This should not be relevant to fandom, nor do I understand how this has to do with age, considering the Cishet normative of romance is outdated anyway, but in response to writing. You are not writing a platonic relationship. This is not true.

Most tropes pieces of media and characters and stories are written by Allomantics. Specifically, Straight Allomantics. This bleeds into their writing, every writer will bleed their own experiences into their writing. This is why Queer written romance, or otherwise non-romance, is handled and portrayed differently. Because it comes from Queer experience, not Cishet normative experiences.

Similarly, an Aromantic is someone who lacks or has no romantic attraction. So an Aromantic, writing a relationship which from their experience has no romantic attraction involved, will of course. Not fit the Cishet normative model of what a platonic relationship means.

This is not to say Cishet people don't or cannot have physical intimacy like hugging, cuddling, and hand-holding. Since these are just simple, common says people show affection to your family, pets, friends, colleagues. There is some people who have an aversion to touch, which is valid. However most people don't view these things are romantic regardless. And, these should not dictate how people must write platonic relationships.

Once again a most probable honest mistake on their part. They're not Aromantic, just did not know what it means.

You're not Aromantic - What you're experiencing is romantic interest.

This is well, not true. Whilst firstly as I already stated, it is for Cishet Allos and Aromantics alike, generally acceptable to show physical affection to your friends or family and the such. Outside of simply your romantic partner. However back onto on the topic of what an Aromantic is.

Aromanticism. Definition. Lack of romantic attraction to others; low or absent romantic attraction.

Now, what is romantic attraction? See this is where the line Allos often misinterperate. How could one be Aromantic and date? Or in this example, how could one be Aromantic if they kiss their friend? Thus forth.

Simply, because that has nothing to do with what it means to be Aromantic.

Aromantics can still kiss, enjoy it. But lack any romantic attraction to the person they kiss.

As I've already reiterated twice, for the general Cishet population as well, physical affection towards friends is normal. So I only delved into the 'kissing' mention. Because otherwise holding-hands and cuddling or hugging friends is considered socially platonic even by Allos regardless. So irrelevant to this post.

Reiterating: Aromantism is not the lack of physical affection that all Allos or non-Aromantics have a need for as well. Aromantics are human! Lets not paint them as otherwise!

Edit: Was NOT an honest mistake! Was informed this was wilful ignorance and arophobia on the OPs end!

You know the drill! Block, report any hateful speech or posts, and move on!

[ao3cassandraic]

Hi! I'm about to apply to get into graduate school and start working to get my MLIS. Do you have any advice?

Hi! Welcome to the information professions.

Until my shop changed processes a couple of years ago, I read applications for admission. Lots of them. I was the department app-numbers champion three years running.

Here's what I typically looked for:

Can you write? Like it or not -- and I don't, always -- these professions are hyperverbal and so is our program. If writing isn't your strong suit, that's not a dealbreaker; it just means "find reliable beta readers for your essay." And when you hit campus, locate the campus writing-help unit and make friends with them.

Do you have some idea what you're getting into? For some applicants this is direct work or volunteer experience; for others, a mentor; for others, a grounded sense of career direction; for still others, a statement of their abilities and aspirations that they think fits the profile. That last one can be tricky, though -- if it's nothing but rose-colored glasses or bogus stereotypes, it won't count in your favor. I suggest talking to some info pros about their jobs, if you need to. We're a pretty forthcoming bunch. All this said, you DO NOT need to know to the ninth (or even first) decimal place what you want to do. These professions contain multitudes, and it's exceptionally common for people to discover their career direction while in the program, or (like me, actually) wind up doing something they never could have envisioned beforehand.

Do you know anything about our program specifically? Someone may have told you "the MLS is a union card; all library schools are the same." Don't you believe it! We all have specialties. We all have niches we don't touch with a ten-foot pole -- and yes, I have absolutely disrecommended admission for an otherwise-excellent applicant whose desired niche my shop just plain doesn't serve. If you have a niche in mind already, it won't hurt you one bit to spend five or ten minutes on the school's faculty-staff page to figure out who teaches in that niche so you can mention them in your essay. Or check out the program outline and explain why you think the requirements will help you be good at info-pro-ing. If one of our alumni recommended our program to you, let us know.

Will you make it through the program? For this I glance over undergraduate transcripts and read recommendations, unless the applicant has been out of college so long it makes more sense to check their résumé. A rough time in undergrad is not a dealbreaker unless I don't understand why it happened and (crucially) why it won't happen again -- address these briefly in your essay if you need to. (We do totally get that there's been a pandemic -- we were there too! If it's that, say so and move on.) What I don't want to do is admit someone I don't think can graduate -- that'd be a cynical, unethical waste of their time, money, and energy.

Do you differ from the typical applicant in cool and/or useful ways? Like most professions, there are coveted/oversubscribed info-pro niches and niches that are... less so. The typical applicant profile for library school is an English or history major just out of undergrad. It won't count against you if that's you... but a STEM major or minor, tech savvy, cultural competencies, teaching experience, research or publishing experience, and/or leadership/management experience will count FOR you, because those niches need people real bad. Similarly, the information professions are hella cishet white neurotypical. If you're not and (under current US law, damn it) can explain how that's going to make you a better info pro, let us know.

Any red flags? Usually these are in rec letters, so choose your recommenders wisely. I've also had to disrecommend people whose recommenders or essay... how shall I put this... put their commitment to inclusive professionalism in doubt. But there's also a cultural thing in librarianship where librarians despise library schools. Many think them unnecessary, or would prefer an undergrad major rather than a master's-level program. Many judge their entire library-school experience by their worst instructor (and ngl, we have some lulus -- even I haven't always covered myself with glory, and I try real hard to be good at what I do). Point being, the commonest red flag I saw was an app essay that oozed contempt for the pointless hoops the applicant was already jumping through, and the hoops they'd have to jump through if admitted. And I'm just like, why? Why would I admit an applicant who hates us, thinks they know it all already and we have nothing to teach them, and is clearly unwilling to meet us halfway? Go poison some other school's culture, applicant; I don't want you in my shop. Now, you don't have to flatter us! Unnecessary and can be a bit creepy! But don't hate on us, please.

Hope this helps, and feel free to ask more questions in the comments. That goes for everybody, not just OP!

[teaveetamer]

I'm sorry, Raxis has a history of sporking fic? He has a TVTROPES page about it?

Then literally, aside from defending his saintly waifu.png's delicate honour, grounds - moral or otherwise - does he have to stand on? He knows what the purpose of sporking is, in theory. He should know that sometimes it's just about discussing a fic, thematically, in depth, to see what it says or how it fails to say them, instead of just plain mockery.

Or maybe it's that he's only ever sporked a fic to insult or send harassment towards the 'cringe' author, so he's unable to comprehend that anyone else might do it for any other reason.

I'm sure Raxis thinks he's the main character and all, but even this is way more transparently hypocritical than usual.

YEEEEEEEEEEP. He even wrote his own little character profile on the Das Sporking TV tropes page. Which was a community primarily geared toward mocking Twilight and Fifty Shades originally, so you might not be off about the "sporked fic just to insult or send harassment towards the 'cringe author'".

Also like here's the thing. He's gonna claim it was a long time ago, and that's true, but he's 35. He was also editing the Das Sporking TV tropes page back in 2013, 2014, and 2015, which means he was at least 24 or 25 and active in these communities. The earliest he could have possibly joined up is 2009, when he was like 21, given this entry:

Where Raxis writes that his first spork/intended spork was the Sword Art Online light novel, which was released in 2009 in Japan and 2014 in America?

Also he's still editing the pages. He only marked himself down as "retired" last month when people started calling him out for being a hypocrite for trying to shit talk BWIIDT when he was an active sporker himself.

Also you're? Still doing it? You're LITERALLY sporking a fic right now. YOU CALL IT A SPORK. Like yes if this was just some dumbass shit he did as a teen or even a twenty-something then I wouldn't bother bringing it up, but he's still doing it. So uh yeah, it's still relevant? Especially when you spend most of your fucking Reyna sporks whining about what a big ol meaaaaaaaaaaaaanie BWIIDT is for... pointing out racism and sexism.

Like you, a cishet white man, spent your 20's when you were a grown ass man, in a community apparently known for shitting on teenage girls who like Twilight and you appear to have done no reflection or growth on that.

I did cringe and offensive and ignorant shit ten years ago too (granted I was an actual teenager ten years ago). Like, I definitely had some weird hangup about Demisexuality. Thank GOD I don't think I ever posted any of it publicly. And now ten years later I'm not such an ignorant fuckwad and I don't think or say those things anymore. You know what I don't do? Claim to have learned from and regret my mistakes, continue to post demi-phobic shit all over my social media accounts, and then get mad at people for calling out my hypocrisy because "you're bringing up stuff I did ten years ago!"

It was ten years ago but shit ain't changed, so why wouldn't your past behavior still be relevant? Especially since you were old enough to know better then, and you're sure as shit old enough to know better now.

Also I just want to point out the irony of Raxis breaking THE FIRST RULE of the Das Sporking wiki with his sporks

Sooo you had no idea linking to a fic directly could possibly cause harassment, huh? That was just a big oopsie on your part?

He doesn't give a shit about Reyna's fic. He just views it as a way to dunk on the "Edelcrits" and specifically BWIIDT, which is why he CONSTANTLY brings up BWIIDT in his posts about Reyna (I've seen a few more snippets). Like he genuinely thinks it hurts our feelings when he mocks a fic none of us had ever even fucking heard of before. It doesn't, it just makes him look like a massive fucking tool.

And like I pointed out in this post, BWIIDT started talking about Cap's fic because people were out here shoving it down fandoms' throat and insisting it was "essential" to understand canon. Like it was getting recc'd to Joe fucking Zieja, and it has SO MANY problematic elements. Racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. I won't rehash them all.

What even are Raxy's criticisms of Reyna's fic, other than "it's cringe", "I don't like how she writes Edelgard", and "BWIIDT hurt my feelings by talking about a fic I like"? And again, what the fuck does this random fic author have to do with anything BWIIDT has done? If your issue is with BWIIDT then why do you insist on dragging a random person in for no fucking reason?

[remusawoooo]

definitely agree with the things youre saying! i think with the “issue” of the physical appearance of people truly isnt whether if a person is dark-skinned and muscular that is the problem, or why a short person should be submissive or whatnot, and if you do portray things that way thats fine. however, if you portray it in a way where it feels almost… fetishizing, instead of just treating it like “oh yeah this is a trait and not the characters entirety” Then it becomes a problem. its also definitely not marauders fandom centric, tho i do see it a lot here at times.

maybe the solution to all of this is to be normal and chill about things like race and sexuality and gender, but unfortunately that is apparently very hard for greater fandom spaces to do. tho im not saying everyone in the fandom space does this, and im not saying that indulgence or tropey nonsense is bad as long as it doesnt hurt anyone, but quite unfortunately the foundations of fandom Are built by white women and that ideology carries throughout the whole space. its just something people have to keep and mind and reflect on every once in a while.

anyway all in all definitely agree with your takes on the greater issue, even if i may disagree with some of your opinions on characters or stuff. i think generally people should have fun with their fanon little world (or canon little world if thats what they want more), but like people should just be more sensitive with material theyre handling as well as how they portray it. tldr please be normal about the marginalized is the best way to put everything LMAO

thank you for answering and also enjoying my little rants, i hope you dont mind if i enter your inbox again in the future! i like seeing your thoughts on things ^^

(also if you didnt know im the one who sent you that one “james survives” fic where he and the marauders raise harry, currently still reading it but it is a delight hehe)

hello again!

you sent me the fic??? tysm 🥹🫶🏼 I'll take your word!!

yes, that's exactly what I meant with the physical appearance. it's changing the existing description to put them in certain boxes that bothers me! otherwise, go ham!

right point about white women! they tend to take center stage.

it's not fanon that bothers more so the unchecked stereotypes like said. since poc and queer folk are greatly involved and finally feel safe enough to speak out, white/cishet folk should do the hard work, right? I had fun writing all that, btw, so ty again!!

you're so right, it's just to have fun and be nice about it!! (I don't mind at all, anon!! pls visit more :D and if you like, leave a nickname or emoji I can identify you with?) have a great day <3

[kael-writ]

Frankly, as a queer person who is also a childcare provider, the solution to the "but if we have kink at Pride what if kids see it?" is really simple: Dont take your kids to an event that isn't appropriate for kids.

If a Pride parade or other event is geared towards adults and you think therefore kids shouldn't be there, just don't bring kids. When people ask me if my local Pride parade is for kids, I say no, not because of sexuality on display but because it's along a bar route and I dont think it's really ideal for families to be in a crowd of drunk adults. And the last time I went, there weren't any kids there. Maybe some families had come for the floats early on and left but by the time young adults are dancing in the streets at least, there just simply arent kids there.

There are Pride events specifically for families and for kids, go to those.

Parents are usually really good at knowing what they and their kids can handle. Especially queer parents & caretakers because we already are very aware of the stigma around us. Most parents even if you removed queerness and sexuality from the equation would probably not go to a wild parade that is adult-centric with their kids or would do so very briefly and cautiously early into the event before it gets too wild.

I will say this also: When I was a kid we had a wild St Paddys Day parade on the South Side of Chicago that everyone, kids included, went to, and it was a much worse atmosphere for kids than any corresponding Pride parade could possibly be, but yet as kids we were kept oblivious to it, safe in our own little corner (literally the non-bar side of the street, with all the bars on Western having to be on one side), we went briefly, got some candy, went home. Our parents knew how to have us be tangental to the chaos without actually being hurt, and this was 90s parents.

The cishet, patriarchal sexuality there, once you got away from your parents, was a lot more dangerous than just someone seeing that gay adults are kinky or seeing tits; because girls and women get actually harassed or assaulted at the South Side bars and parties, as I did growing up, by cishet, sexist, conservative men.

Queer culture is a million times more focused on the rights of marginalized genders, on consent, on not tolerating rape culture. There's creeps in any group of people, especially with alcohol around, but you're a lot less safe among homophobic cishets than among queers.

There were also fist fights and shit. And there I was at like 16 or whatever drinking whiskey in my coke and yea wasnt great for a burgeoning alcoholic kid. Not to play into bad stereotypes of Irish-Americans but I dont know how to like counter the stereotypes in this retelling when it was just true? Blame the American-ness not the Irishness I guess, after all few people were really that connected to the heritage.

All that said, I was mad when they banned the South Side Irish parade and glad they brought it back. Yes, we need better protections for people from sexual violence and yea alcoholism fuckin sucks and that's a whole different essay I could write, a fuckin book, but despite a few important changes needed it's really awesome the community has that festival to celebrate a heritage a lot of them might otherwise lose grip on and just to have fun. People need a couple times a year to let loose and be fuckin heathens.

And guess what, that community has other events just for families without alcohol too and always has. Just as the queer community does.

All this to say: Kids and youth have for better or worse often existed in festival atmospheres that are dodgey for kids before Pride, in the realms of cishets; and the issues thereof can be an ongoing conversation without being fuckin homophobic and shit;

but the TL;DR of kink at Pride is: if a parade is adult-oriented, and you don't think it's for kids, dont bring your kids.

I guess it needs to be said? It fuckin shouldnt need to be said, but - OBVIOUSLY No one, NO ONE, is actually

(Trigger Warning here) in any way performing sexual actions in front of children (/TW)

at Pride, that's insane, it's typically a public parade with cops and reporters and shit at it?

And the implication that a bunch of queer adults would stand around as a group and do anything like that is so abhorrently disgustingly demonizing and dehumanizing of us that it's absurd and beneath contempt. You have to be unable to see us as real human beings to buy that.

Like - cops would arrest queer people for being fully nude if that ever happened and certainly for sexual activity; they already do arrest us for shit like smoking weed or being allegedly belligerent or whatever. Cops hate queers. We're vulnerable, not powerful. Get a reality check.

What you will see at Pride that might make it uncomfortable for kids might be topless people with "female" breasts, guys wearing a speedo, maybe something like a guy in a "puppy play" outfit walked on a leash at the extreme end. Its ok if you don't wanna see that. Just like lots of queers dont like the loud music, crowds, cops, corporations, and alcohol. It's not for everyone! That's ok!

Last year my sis and niece and I went to a small family Pride event that just had like bubbles and chalk and music and shit like that in a small area with a small group, simple and easy for families. That's how families can participate in Pride.

If you're at a PG-13 or R rated event and you see a family and you're concerned it's not appropriate for them, you can talk to the parents about it, you can avoid the family and go around them if you dont want them seeing your outfit or smelling your weed smoke, or you can go tell an usher you're concerned that a baby keeps crying in your horror movie audience.

What you cant do is sanitize the whole world "for the children!" and particularly not use that as an excuse to attack queer people and once again label us as inherently a danger to children. We are normal adults and we are frankly less likely to want to hurt kids because we as a community are a lot more educated on and experienced with surviving abuse ourselves. Queer people simply operate like all other adults in that we are diverse individuals who exist in all kinds of spaces doing all kinds of things ....and sometimes that includes wilding out at a fuckin parade, and that might not be the best place for kids, and that's ok.

Like, I dont cuss in front of kids. My *self* here is different from the self I present to kids. I exist differently in different spaces depending on if kids are in that space, that's how all adults operate, and occasionally "PG" spaces exist in between. The very most important thing is definitely that we communicate, RESPECTFULLY, without queerphobia.

So yea. Let us not goddamn fuckin ruin Pride too much with divisive unnecessary discourse. Just have a fuckin happy pride however, whenever, and wherever you celebrate.

[rodolfoparras]

Palladium anon here again :3 tho if it's not taken could I be the 🌱 anon?

and yes absolutely horn play is hot, especially when the character is really sensitive with them. Teasing them and/or using them as handle bars when fucking them??? Extremely hot. I've seen some ppl want to like fuck the horn and in theory I understand but most horns are pointy😭 you're gonna scratch up your holes bestie be careful

Also sharing my winx, trix , specialist and some others sexuality headcanons because I have been hyperfixated on this forever and I'm so happy to find other queer ppl to talk to about it!!

Helia and Flora are definitely bi or pan, you can not convince me otherwise. I'd say they're poly curious maybe?? Despite the show having every single couple go through a jealousy arc🙄 I think Flora and Helia would definitely be open to dating someone else if they both liked them

Riven, Bloom and Stella are all bi with a male preference

Layla and Naboo are a bisexual power couple and I will die on this hill

Musa and Timmy are bi with a fem preference.

Brandom is straight, mandatory for every queer friend group is the one cishet guy that's just there.

Sky is questioning, having gay thoughts from living in the dorms with other men and seeing them shirtless

Now I'll probably get hate for it but I think Tecna as an aroace lesbian is neat. Like her and Timmy were cute ig but I like tecna better on her own outside a relationship. Also her struggling with feeling like a human and more robotic fits with the unfortunate stereotype aroace ppl get. Her arc reminds me of what my aroace brother went through

And as I mentioned before, Palladium is definitely a bisexual transmasc! Avalon and Valtor are gay

Icy is a mean lesbian Darcy is bi with male preference. Stormy isn't sure what exactly she is but definitely not straight.

You can def be 🌱 anon sugar!!

And yes I def agree that the most appropriate ways when it comes to hornplay(word?) is to use them as handle bars, fidgeting with them to rile up your partner or even licking and sucking also one thing idk if this is possible but like if they could make the horns vibrate by humming and have the sound travel through their body and up to their horns?🧎🏻‍♂️

I def agree that helia and flora are bi or pan! Especially helia I’m not trying to say that gay ppl have a look bc fuck stereotypes but…look at this man I wouldn’t even be surprised if helia went by he/ they

Also I can def see riven as bi. One thing I rmr disliking is how toxic his and musas relationships became I’m sorry but it was so silly to me even at that age 💀 like every other episode there was jealousy drama

Also I forgot about Naboo man he was so pretty!!! And I can def see both of them being bi!

SUGAR IM FUCKING SCREAMING BC TWLL WHY I KNEW WHO BRANDON WAS BEFORE EVEB SEARCHING IT UP MOST ANNOYIMG ASS STRAIGHT MAN

Also yes!! I 100% agre that sky is bi curios big buff dude crushes on another big buff dude

Also I really like your take on tecna! Tbh I rmr even as. Kid i could understand she did not want to be in a relationship 💀

Avalon and valtor are definitely old gays 🧎🏻‍♂️🧎🏻‍♂️

Also I like your take on the sisters! I don’t have much else to say bc lord knows they annoyed me in the show 😭

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

i feel like the one time it’s ok to make egg jokes is if it’s a trans person retroactively making a joke abt themself. otherwise i agree it’s speculating on someone’s gender and the implications of the joke are not great

Oh yes I don't have a problem with that I look back all the time like "I should have known" what I'm against is as follows:

Don't deny gnc people their gender identity: if a person you perceive as a cis person is doing something that doesn't line up with their gender identity please remember that they could be queer of some description and have probably experienced cishets saying the exact same thing that you're saying but in a meaner tone and in conjunction with violence (my tormenters called me a boy as an insult until i said actually i am a boy and then i started getting called a girl as an insult practically over night) misgendering is still misgendering even if they're cis and even if you're doing it behind someone's back. Fortunately talking about the baby tran shit you did is not misgendering.

Don't fucking out people: being clocked can get you fucking killed. If that person is secretly trans exactly how you think they are and you say something that's fucking terrifying. Yes even if you just comment "congrats on the transition in two years sweaty" on their reddit post. Even if you make it clear you're also trans. Fortunately joking about yourself in the past tense being an egg does not do this.

Don't say "no man does x, no woman does y": it is possible to make egg jokes about yourself while doing this

And finally, believe people when they tell you what they are otherwise were no better than the cishets assigning people genders based on genital astrology.

[moonshinedyke]

Pinned Post:

-Asteria/Eris (+)

-Mixed Black/Indigenous

-Intersex genderfluid multigender transmascfem

-Alloaro bisexual lilaen lesbian.

-Stud, butch, (bull)dyke, faggot, tranny, freak, bulldagger

This is my blog for venting and just talking about bigotry. I didn't want to clog my main too much with these types of posts since a lot of them involve discoursey topics. This is not a blog that I plan to use to argue with other people under most circumstances. I'm using this blog to vent about my experiences, no matter how big or small they are. Check below the cut for some of my beliefs.

Just because I reblog from someone doesn't mean that I agree with everything they say and do. What it DOES mean is that I think they made a good point in that specific post they made.

-Many white queers have a problem with using their queerness to try and avoid accountability for their white privilege and racism. There is a HUGE racism problem in both online and real life queer spaces.

-Gender criticals are enormous pieces of shit with a very flawed view of sex and gender.

-The hyperpolicing of lesbianism on here is super lesbophobic. Stop obsessing over lesbians not conforming to your neat little cis fem white woman centric boxes. Let lesbians have some gender fuckery without frothing at the mouth.

-Bi lesbians/gays do not hurt mono lesbians/gays by existing. We are not responsible for homophobic cishets harassing you guys and saying that we are is violently biphobic. Stop being a narrowminded cishet bootlicker, assholes.

-Straight passing privilege does not exist. Invisibility and erasure is not a privilege.

-Lesbian separatism as an ideology is transphobic, biphobic, lesbophobic, and racist. If you defend lesbian separatism or pretend that it was even remotely okay then you are a bad person, straight-up.

-Intersexism is rampant in trans spaces. We are not your transition goals, we are not your gotcha to use against TERFs, and we are not nonbinary icons by default. The diversity of the intersex experience is unfathomable because of how many intersex conditions there are and how intersex conditions are viewed across the globe.

-Slur discourse is pointless at best and a straight-up psyop at worst. Let a bisexual call themself a dyke, let a transmasc call themself a tranny, let a lesbian call themself a faggot. I promise that it's not hurting you when other queer people reclaim slurs. Quit your victim complex.

-Butch and femme have always belonged to the whole queer community and have NEVER been lesbian exclusive. Denying that is spitting on ballroom culture- in other words, you're racist and transphobic as hell. Furthermore, Black non-lesbians have more claim to butch and femme than ANY white lesbian does. Read more here. It's a Carrd, yes, but it's a Carrd with actual sources, which is more than you can say for literally every Carrd written by exclusionists that you all choose to use anyways.

-Queer is not a slur and it's up to you to avoid people who use the word if it makes you that uncomfortable.

-Flag discourse is ridiculous. If you hate a flag that badly, just don't use it.

-You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you blocked them.

-I'm very wary of anyone who is against non-traumagenic systems. I don't really understand endo systems or other non-traumagenic systems, but I've seen tons of fakeclaiming and racism coming from the anti-endo community, so I tend to avoid them. I'm not interested in getting into syscourse and I generally keep my system life private.

-Well-researched self diagnosis is good, especially if you can't afford to get a professional diagnosis. Ultimately, you are the one actually experiencing what's in your brain.

-Shipping discourse is ridiculous and literally all of you need to go outside.

-Anti-transmasculinity as a form of oppression exists and to say otherwise is antiblack and transmisogynistic, since it often goes in hand with transmisogynoir.

-Nonbinary people do not owe you androgyny, let alone any change in appearance once they come out as nonbinary.

-Nonmen and nonwoman are not just terms that are super hostile to multigender people, they're also racist due to their hostility towards Two-Spirit people as well as how they've been used to degender Black people.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

ppl will be explaining how a difference is a difference & not a Deviation from a Superior state, & people who are the ones considered Default Normal (superior) will be like "okay....to be polite....i Might say i consider Some aspects of Some people's existence mere 'difference' & not being less than me...." as like hey i'm a Benevolent god. i still actually get to consider you worse & don't have to "humor" anything that challenges my superiority. if you only want everything to fit into the norm then it will all come back to upholding the norm. thinking of people's analysis of their own realities as equally legimate as being like Obscure, Irrelevant, Superficial & then using that reasoning to justify dismissing them. same as worrying that the [Different Lessers (Others(tm))] as Everywhere = a manifestation of the awareness that, yeah, respecting them as equals Does threaten your norm which is smothering everything everywhere. ppl who need to lock in the idea of Borders around personhood like um Yes they're all delineated separate Identities outside any hierarchy & so i think it's relevant to for some reason push back against "ohh so now Everyone's queer" like why not. why couldn't they be. what if they were. what if queerness was everywhere b/c it's ideological not a cordoned off Alternative Identity that is accommodated by focusing on Love(tm) as the new border around whose existence we might begrudgingly accept at arm's length (i.e. being otherwise "normal"! just imagine swapping out the binary gender (or, deep breath, presumed Private Parts) of one partner in an exclusive romantic lifelong nuclear family marriage, & that is Gay / Trans Rights. still gross but maybe we can do it, as long as they don't talk about it or shove it in our faces or even exist for more than one encounter w/us in our lives b/c what are the odds). evergreen laughing at someone suggesting ableist logic might be embedded in language of past & present b/c it's just So little to ask for that it's irrelevant but it's also So much to ask for that of course i'm not gonna do anything more than pass it along like "this is why i don't take ableism seriously" like yeah it's the disabled randos like it's the individual cringe teens(tm) ruining [the cishets would take Gender seriously otherwise!!!] & that's why you won't think about it or do anything about it & continue being comfortable with the norm & resent that actually their Difference is Less & disability is something worse that ppl "excuse" & all these ways that people are & all these things that they do are funny & weird & inexplicable & etc & one can't possibly be cruising along perpetuating a hierarchy with a sense that you're reasonable, well meaning, kind, etc etc & thus Justified, systemic oppression definitely wants to maximize how uncomfortable & arduous it feels to everyone rather than push to make it more streamlined & rewarding to embrace, or at least accept, whatever superiority over others you're afforded

[cumbunnywitch]

If you're gay and support conservatives(American and otherwise) I'm not going to cry with you when you realize they hate you just as much as they hate me. I'm going to laugh at you. I'm going to laugh hard and I hope it makes you feel like shit. I hope it makes you hate me even more because that's what your entire life is based around: hate.

You hate yourself because you're not the ideal normal cishet white guy. You are gay, and you've been hearing for the last 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 or 70 or 80 or 90 years about how "the gays are won over by satan and they're corrupting the youth" or whatever and you seemed to forget that instead of trying to fight for your right to exist you cozied up and made yourself as evangelical and palatable for the conservatives, and made fucking sure to pull up the ladder to say, as out loud as you can "I'm as abnormal as anyone should tolerate. Be as normal as me or suffer."

Seriously if you voted for republicans, are a log cabin republican, or (cough cough, David Leatherwood(terrible porn name btw)) decided to try and help get these fuckos elected by helping them tone down the insane bullshit they constantly spew into something not every single sane person in the world would view as severe mental illness, I'm not saying I hope you get hatecrimed, I'm saying you're just being irresponsible with your continued subscription to being alive.

Seriously who the fuck sits with a crowd of people who unironically would have killed you on site in the 60's-80's and thinks "ah yes, fellow conservative minded people. I am perfectly safe here."

They are not your friend. They are humoring you. They are using you to prop up their idea of an acceptable gay person. I get that not everyone is all about the pride and being loud and colorful and you do not by any means have to fucking do that.

But if for a second you think that conservative economic policies are worth trading your rights and safety away for, I've got several mental health inpatient clinics I'd like to refer you to, because something does not fucking add up in that head of yours.

[eradicatetehnormal]

Just Watched Do Revenge For the First Time

Movie's about two girls who get back at the people who've wronged them. One because she was outed as queer and treated as a predator (Eleanor), and the other because she had a risque video leaked of her (Drea).

Something I liked about the movie is that there isn't really a good guy. Everyone's a horrible person, the main character, Drea especially. Weirdly enough though, the movie gets you to sympathize with her even if it's for a few seconds. We've all heard stories about that teen girl who was ruined because of her crappy boyfriend or someone who crushes on her, violating her privacy, and as someone who was obsessed with success the first couple years of high school, I could understand Drea's upset about ||losing her opportunity to go to Yale||. That being said, aside from the leaked pictures, she deserves everything else that happens to her in the movie. I appreciate the writers for not just making her a sympathetic victim while still making her the mean girl archetype.

Drea's situation reminds me of one that happened a few years back where a high school girl got nude pictures of her leaked, and the school turned on the leaker! Good, right? But then there was this dumb article trying to sympathize with him saying that he doesn't deserve to be ostracized. YES HE DOES! That brings me to my next point, which is this movie has great commentary. Throughout the movie, Drea's ex-boyfriend faces little to no repercussions for his actions despite being just as bad as our main lead. He does so by pretending to be a feminist as well as a polyamorous man. I think that's what makes this movie stand out a bit from other movies like it. The lens is gendered, but it doesn't treat the need for social security and the cutthroat nature of that as a feminine thing. It's an everyone thing, unfortunately. May I just say that the school forgiving the ex-boyfriend just because he said he was poly felt like BS? If you sleep with a bunch of people and then try to cover your ass by saying you're poly, people are going to think you're a dick. Because you are. Especially to CiShEt, PaTrIaRcHaL, MoNoGaMoUs, society. You can't tell me that most of the female students wouldn't chew him out for that. People would see right through it if that many women dated him and didn't know about the others. W on Drea and Eleanor's parts for skipping graduation. The only good thing about it is seeing your family and getting pictures. Otherwise, it sucks and is way too expensive. L on the movie for giving them love interests that weren't each other! Both of their partners were boring and there were implications, I'm not the only one who saw it, right? Them cuddling in the bed together? Drea thinking about Eleanor while having oral favors done on her? The whole "Do you have a jealous boyfriend who works on cars" and Drea responding "Something like that," Like, come on! One of the characters is already outwardly queer. (side note, but I wish Eleanor could've had more butch clothing even if I prefer more feminine styles) Overall, not a game changer, a solid 7/10. I'll happily accept it or The Duff as my generation's defining teen movie even if we didn't get cultural shifting one like millennials and the generation before us did with Clueless and Mean Girls.

[ugly-anarchist]

I know you're probably going to respond really immaturely to this so my expectations are low but.

I just want to say that people ARE in fact killed over romance. Some countries like Pakistan and India have strict social norms surrounding romance (and yes they frown upon even the most typical non-interfaith cishet romantic couple you can think of). They prioritise arranged marriage and while the situation is changing a bit, lots of people have and still do face violence such as honor killings, being forced into marriage, being married as literal children, etc.

Due to the fear and hatred around romance these societies have created in order to control people. Im south asian myself and my country does this about romance. Its not always so easy for people everywhere to engage in romance without facing abuse or violence. In talking about the things you do on this blog, please don't ignore the reality of people other than yourself. Just because where YOU live people only face that over sex, doesn't mean that its the same everywhere in every single culture.

And by the way, Im aromantic as well and I have to say that treating something neutral (that can be harmful or beneficial or neutral depending on how someones romance is) as inherently harmful is a dick move even if no society in the whole entire world held these views.

You are allowed to hate romance and not want anything to do with it. I think that experience is great and should always be supported. I hope romance repulsed people are able to avoid romance and have ppl respect their boundaries. The only problem comes when anyone, because I really don't think ONLY romance repulsed people do this from my experience, decides to act like romance is *inherently* immoral and harmful.

That ideology can and will harm people. Just like how being sex negative wouldn't suddenly become ok if the world happened to be completely sex positive and never sex negative in any way.

"I know you're going to respond immaturely" is a really great way to start an ask and definitely paints you as the more "mature" and "reasonable" one anon /s

It's almost like... I never actually said that romance was inherently bad and that actually what I said was that how romance is depicted in most English speaking countries there's an underlying implication of ownership that's really toxic

It's almost like I never said what you're claiming I said and you're putting words in my mouth in order to completely ignore my original point

Yes of course anon my justified anger and sass make me immature because you're clearly just trying to show me how wrong I am for saying *checks notes* things I literally never said. Round of applause because clearly you're the sole beacon of hope in this otherwise bleak world that I've created by saying "acting like you own your romantic partner is bad"

But please, keep ignoring my original point because it clearly makes you very uncomfortable that people criticize the way romance is expected to be performed in society. Whatever makes you feel better. Don't unpack that clearly deep-seated internalized amatonormativity that keeps steering you away from critical thought, I'm the bad guy for, again, things I never said.

[misscammiedawn]

When you tag as #dawnposting or #cammieposting, is that like the difference between top/bottom posting? Or am I totally wrong there?

I have long feared the day I would need to explain this. I knew it would have to happen, even if I put in my quick explanation in my Masterpost.

The last time I had spoken on this topic on Twitter I got some severe anon hate for it and it did a little bit of harm to me. I would prefer not to emulate that experience. It was discomforting.

I shall post the easily digestible short version here and then a long version under readmore.

Quickly spoken, yes. That's correct. When I type from the perspective of a somft sweet morsel who yearns I am Cammie Posting. When I am posting from the perspective of someone who likes to pull hair, bite necks and listen to a partner whimper against me as my lips brush their earlobe and I order them to BEG. - That's Dawn Posting.

Then there's Camden Posting which could easily be renamed BPD Posting.

But I guess we have the long version under readmore...

So let's talk dissociative disorders and "plurality". With the caveat that I still consider myself a pwBPD with mood swings that happen to have easily definable names and behaviors.

I am no expert and though I have plural friends, I distance myself from the plural community and their resources because I refuse the label. I find it a complicated relationship and the syscourse does me more harm than any amount of external acceptance, which my brain would reject as bias, could ever do.

So... I 100% have BPD. That's TRIPLE confirmed at this point. BPD is on the dissociative disorder spectrum. It doesn't matter if you're using DES-II, MID or the interview. BPD is there.

...and therapists just... don't seem to ever give folx with BPD a test to see where they are on that spectrum for some reason? Despite Identity Disturbance and Dissociation being 2 of the 9 criteria. I suffer both. Unambiguously. That I know.

Dissociative Experience Scale rates between PTSD, cPTSD, BPD, OSDD and DID. There is so much more to these things than just "multiple personalities" (there's somatic experiences, amnesia barriers, fugue experiences and so much more) and I'm not about to go sharing my physical symptoms because it's none of anyone's business and I hide that shit from people I live with. But I am aware of the depths of this thing... even when parts of me insist otherwise.

And the cause is known, too... Regardless of where on the scale I land, I am on that scale.

So the question is. Do I count as OSDD-1 on top of or instead of my BPD? I do not know. I have expressed as much as I am able to my therapist and they are monitoring me. But they refuse to talk to me about it, likely for fear of shifting the results. I refuse to chase up on it because, plainly spoken, it near about broke me to raise the topic once. I am not going to force myself to talk about it again.

An issue with it is though that it's a covert illness and fights to keep itself hidden. 80% of the time I think I am an attention seeking monster who deserves to be exposed, hurt and exiled. I hate that I indulge in this delusion and just want my therapist to say "YOU ARE FAKING." And be done with it. Luckily I'm presently in that 20% sweet spot and intend to do everything in my power to not delete the post once shared.

So, if I am so defensive and in denial, why am I having myself checked up and utilizing tags which seem to imply I have decided I am?

...and that... is a question that most of me is still struggling with. However, the long story short is, someone I love removed my ability to run from it.

I beg indulgence in not going over the childhood stuff. The earliest signs. I cannot even tell those I trust half of these things and I surely would not care to introduce them to the zeitgeist.

What I shall say, starting in my early 20s, is that I am, as a human being, TERRIFIED of sex (I'll leave it up to your imagination as to why) and I was married in an apparently cishet relationship with an allosexual for 11 years (my journals and a surprisingly large stack of evidence suggests. I was quite aware of my transgender and asexual labels even that early, but I hid them from myself and my partner. Which--- given all I am typing, sounds familiar).

Now here comes the complicating factor that not even my therapist knows how to navigate around. The reason I don't enjoy talking about this stuff and avoid the plural community. HYPNOSIS FETISH PERSONALITY PLAY.

It is so easy to type "I have never had sex outside of an altered headspace". It's so easy to type "My first hypnotist was an abusive asshole who developed entire headspaces for me to inhabit in order to serve him and one was a demure submissive gentile girl and the other was a firm and bold dominant who was unstoppable and he kept me in those headspaces for 7+ years, programming switches to keep my "normal" self unaware of my activities." It is easy to type "I taught my wife how easily and readily my brain can and will switch into "character" headspaces and so in order to have sex with a partner who was incapable of doing it, we worked together to summon our tabletop characters from my soul for kink purposes"

It gets complicated when I try to take those things in the past and apply it to Out Of Scene stuff. It's important to bring it up. I think the fact that I have no memory of engaging in sex with my partner over the course of our 11 year marriage is a VERY IMPORTANT THING to bring up in these discussions. But it was self-inflicted. So...

To put on my educator cap for a moment, I shall remind that this is why one must practice safety when engaging in physical or psychological edgeplay and perhaps you should, as a traumatized person, avoid abusing loopholes to trick their way into doing things that regularly would cause them to completely shut down. Heavens the younger version of myself was a stupid child. But she loved her wife. She wanted to be the person that she needed to be. She was willing to literally cast herself aside in order to do that.

Now, outside of scene, well? Was I fine? Was I rigid and firm and knowing who I am?

No. I had already mentioned Identity Disturbance, remember? I have journal entries from 2003 where I say that I "play myself as a character", I have ones from 2005 where I equate the idea of a voice in my head having the scent of lavender and my mother's voice... and while dating and married I had a soft and sweet affectionate mode "Kitty". It's what she called me. The immature and silly little girl. Nothing like the firm and hard boss who existed at work where I ran a market and handled a staff. Miss Manager, as a friend referred to her as.

Then you have me. The one who has an insatiable hypnosis fetish while dealing with a fear of sex. Someone who wants too pin people down to beds and hear them whimper when the very thought of doing that elicits such shame that I collapse in on myself and try to delete my accounts. I shamefully admit I have succeeded more times than I care to count.

Incidentally the existence of journals going back to 2003 offers some mild evidence of its own. Especially the huge gaps where I had deleted chatlogs and entries and pushed things away.

Sad to say I am hardly the healthiest or most adjusted human.

It's interesting to read my journals from the era of my divorce. There are so many obvious signs of it. Moments I was in "flow state" and was the person I wanted to be for a little bit, or the moments I got a sudden rush of Power and used it to control someone I was flirting with.

Within my marriage, I was well and truly hidden and any attempt to step outside of the bounds of the relationship was to be treated internally as cheating, shameful, awful. Outside of my marriage it was freeing, liberating. It was exploration of my new found ability to interact within fetish communities, my new found comfort within my gender expression and as that comfort grew, my ability to do what I do grew.

And so ignorant of my circumstances, I, collectively, began to rely on "me" - in plural terms "Camden started wanting to be Dawn". And that isn't how any of this works. I would soon find out I couldn't just activate what, at the time, I called "Strong Mode". It doesn't just turn on when I need it to. It needs to happen naturally when the mood and vibes are right. But I was growing closer to Sleepyhead and she had a way of drawing it out of me so I was starting to get comfortable doing that. Being that. Becoming that. Not via a hypnosis scene, as would happen in my marriage, but just by intention. Internalizing that those characters were me and I am capable of doing what they do.

Incidentally I have chatlog from that abusive hypnotist who turned me into his recruitment doll. My typing style shifted when I was "in character" and it matches how I present now. Which was truly terrifying to recognize, particularly as decades had robbed from me memories of the shady depths of which he had pushed me in that arrangement.

There had been so many reactions of "wait, I could do that?" Even in the early days. I do not understand how abilities that only exist in one headspace work, but I also know I lost my ability to run a movie theatre a lot. But surely I was just tired, or distracted or having an "off" day.

Any time I was struggling against it I simply rationalized. When I ended a fun evening with my friends and realized how much of an immature and playful idiot I had been the entire night I would be flooded with shame for how I had acted. I would often complain that no one got to see who I am in an empty room because once other people are there I "turn into a completely different person"

Which, again, is just BPD. That's BPD. I'm describing BPD.

Which brings us to the Acceptance Arc, where I stop hiding behind BPD and start accepting that I may be fractured.

I had started dating Daja this year. I have enough knowledge at this point to be able to predict myself. So when setting boundaries, warnings and limits I discussed heavily and openly the bounds of my, then diagnosed, BPD and how my moods change at random.

Because the mood shifts are something I had internalized by this point. I knew that I would just become emotionally disengaged from a scene at random. I was inconsistent. Unreliable. Dare I say "broken".

I warned her that during a scene I was topping I could lose "that energy" and just disengage and that it wouldn't be her fault. It just happens.

When we met and had started play, our friendship was at least 11 years old, she took care and attention to watch me in my different "Modes" and she had not just recognized them but she could see the differences. When and where the shifts occurred. How it impacted me to be called by different names at different times.

There had been moments in the proceeding years where Sleepyhead had accidentally gotten it right and it made me giddy. Moments where I noticed myself acting "In a mood" while driving and needed to have myself "pull the breaks".

But this was the first time someone looked in my eyes, saw what was happening in my head and commented on it for me. During a scene with Dawn, Daja reached out and brushed her cheek tenderly and the emotion melted as a shift in tempo occurred and she knew before anything was said that I had "lost" myself and was in a different place now.

That weekend she paid attention and learned me in ways I honestly feel undeserving of. It seems unfair to rely that heavily on another person. But no matter my mood, no matter my manner; she SAW me. Called me by my name(s) and... suddenly I couldn't hide anymore.

How can you tell that feeling that wells in your heart when what's happening inside is what's seen outside? Up until then I just felt insane. The incongruity was just part of being alive.

When I am in a certain headspace, I am consumed by self-doubt and paranoia. I know myself to be delusional. Irrational. Manipulative. Thus I cannot trust myself and if I cannot trust myself I trust everyone else and go with their views of me. Which fits in with the BPD catalogue, anyway. I adapt to my surroundings. Become what I am perceived to be. Because I need other people to perceive me in order to be.

So... I try to mirror someone who holds a mirror to me? I can't escape what I see and what I see is contradictory and it is pleased to hear its own name and it wants things which it knows it cannot have.

...and that makes things tough. Because now here I am, slowly accepting myself as a fractured individual. Someone who compartmentalized her sexual desires vs her fear and hatred of sex. As someone who yearns to be cared for vs someone who has experienced homelessness and refuses to allow ourselves to rely on another person in order to survive. As someone who wants to push people away vs someone who wants to hold them close. As someone who wants to die vs someone who wants to live. As someone who wants to live openly and embrace the term plural vs someone who wants to repress it and reject it and hide.

I keep telling myself I am not allowed to openly "embrace" myself until I receive a diagnosis and my present therapist seems rather uninterested in exploring the possibility. They gave me a DES-II and did not even comment on the results. I feel toyed with by someone who refuses to engage or educate, as if I am stuck with a caseworker whose job is to report to insurance so I may get my surgery and medication. It is frustrating.

I use the tags because I know the joy I feel when Daja calls me by the right names. I use the tags because I do not want to feel like the actions and opinions of myself as Dawn should impact the way Cammie is perceived. I use the tags because it flies under the radar and lets me express without stating a truth. I use the tags because I like to know Daja can see me, even when I post online.

And to be honest? I wrote all of that above because I'd convinced myself no one would click the readmore and I'd be safe just pretending to be "Sub, Domme and Mentally Ill" tags.

Anyway. I shared way more than I'm comfortable with. I'll suppress the urge to delete it after I press post.

Update: Hey! I'm not ready to talk about it publicly but you'll never GUESS what I got diagnosed this year >.>;;;